(or what's left of it, at least) into src/usr.bin.
This change will not be MFCed.
Discussed at: EuroBSDCon 2014
Committed from: EuroBSDCon 2015
.else
SUBDIR= lib libexec
SUBDIR+=bin
-.if ${MK_GAMES} != "no"
-SUBDIR+=games
-.endif
.if ${MK_CDDL} != "no"
SUBDIR+=cddl
.endif
_bt= _bootstrap-tools
.if ${MK_GAMES} != "no"
-_strfile= games/fortune/strfile
+_strfile= usr.bin/fortune/strfile
.endif
.if ${MK_GCC} != "no" && ${MK_CXX} != "no"
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-.include <src.opts.mk>
-
-SUBDIR= \
- caesar \
- factor \
- fortune \
- grdc \
- morse \
- number \
- pom \
- primes \
- random \
- ${_tests}
-
-.if ${MK_TESTS} != "no"
-_tests= tests
-.endif
-
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile.inc 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-BINDIR?= /usr/bin
-FILESDIR?= ${SHAREDIR}/games
-WARNS?= 6
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= caesar
-DPADD= ${LIBM}
-LDADD= -lm
-SCRIPTS=rot13.sh
-MAN= caesar.6
-MLINKS= caesar.6 rot13.6
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
- lib/msun \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993
-.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\" without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\" @(#)caesar.6 8.2 (Berkeley) 11/16/93
-.\" $FreeBSD$
-.\"
-.Dd November 16, 1993
-.Dt CAESAR 6
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm caesar , rot13
-.Nd decrypt caesar ciphers
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Ar rotation
-.Nm rot13
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-The
-.Nm
-utility attempts to decrypt caesar ciphers using English letter frequency
-statistics.
-.Nm Caesar
-reads from the standard input and writes to the standard output.
-.Pp
-The optional numerical argument
-.Ar rotation
-may be used to specify a specific rotation value.
-If invoked as
-.Nm rot13 ,
-a rotation value of 13 will be used.
-.Pp
-The frequency (from most common to least) of English letters is as follows:
-.Bd -ragged -offset indent
-ETAONRISHDLFCMUGPYWBVKXJQZ
-.Ed
-.Pp
-Their frequencies as a percentage are as follows:
-.Bd -ragged -offset indent
-E(13), T(10.5), A(8.1), O(7.9), N(7.1), R(6.8), I(6.3), S(6.1), H(5.2),
-D(3.8), L(3.4), F(2.9), C(2.7), M(2.5), U(2.4), G(2),
-P(1.9), Y(1.9),
-W(1.5), B(1.4), V(.9), K(.4), X(.15), J(.13), Q(.11), Z(.07).
-.Ed
-.Pp
-Rotated postings to
-.Tn USENET
-and some of the databases used by the
-.Xr fortune 6
-program are rotated by 13 characters.
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Rick Adams.
- *
- * Authors:
- * Stan King, John Eldridge, based on algorithm suggested by
- * Bob Morris
- * 29-Sep-82
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#if 0
-#ifndef lint
-static const char copyright[] =
-"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)caesar.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#endif /* not lint */
-#endif
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
-
-#include <errno.h>
-#include <math.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#define LINELENGTH 2048
-#define ROTATE(ch, perm) \
- isascii(ch) ? ( \
- isupper(ch) ? ('A' + (ch - 'A' + perm) % 26) : \
- islower(ch) ? ('a' + (ch - 'a' + perm) % 26) : ch) : ch
-
-/*
- * letter frequencies (taken from some unix(tm) documentation)
- * (unix is a trademark of Bell Laboratories)
- */
-static double stdf[26] = {
- 7.97, 1.35, 3.61, 4.78, 12.37, 2.01, 1.46, 4.49, 6.39, 0.04,
- 0.42, 3.81, 2.69, 5.92, 6.96, 2.91, 0.08, 6.63, 8.77, 9.68,
- 2.62, 0.81, 1.88, 0.23, 2.07, 0.06,
-};
-
-static void printit(char *);
-
-int
-main(int argc, char **argv)
-{
- int ch, dot, i, nread, winnerdot = 0;
- char *inbuf;
- int obs[26], try, winner;
-
- if (argc > 1)
- printit(argv[1]);
-
- if (!(inbuf = malloc((size_t)LINELENGTH))) {
- (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: out of memory.\n");
- exit(1);
- }
-
- /* adjust frequency table to weight low probs REAL low */
- for (i = 0; i < 26; ++i)
- stdf[i] = log(stdf[i]) + log(26.0 / 100.0);
-
- /* zero out observation table */
- bzero(obs, 26 * sizeof(int));
-
- if ((nread = read(STDIN_FILENO, inbuf, (size_t)LINELENGTH)) < 0) {
- (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: %s\n", strerror(errno));
- exit(1);
- }
- for (i = nread; i--;) {
- ch = (unsigned char) inbuf[i];
- if (isascii(ch)) {
- if (islower(ch))
- ++obs[ch - 'a'];
- else if (isupper(ch))
- ++obs[ch - 'A'];
- }
- }
-
- /*
- * now "dot" the freqs with the observed letter freqs
- * and keep track of best fit
- */
- for (try = winner = 0; try < 26; ++try) { /* += 13) { */
- dot = 0;
- for (i = 0; i < 26; i++)
- dot += obs[i] * stdf[(i + try) % 26];
- /* initialize winning score */
- if (try == 0)
- winnerdot = dot;
- if (dot > winnerdot) {
- /* got a new winner! */
- winner = try;
- winnerdot = dot;
- }
- }
-
- for (;;) {
- for (i = 0; i < nread; ++i) {
- ch = (unsigned char) inbuf[i];
- putchar(ROTATE(ch, winner));
- }
- if (nread < LINELENGTH)
- break;
- if ((nread = read(STDIN_FILENO, inbuf, (size_t)LINELENGTH)) < 0) {
- (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: %s\n", strerror(errno));
- exit(1);
- }
- }
- exit(0);
-}
-
-static void
-printit(char *arg)
-{
- int ch, rot;
-
- if ((rot = atoi(arg)) < 0) {
- (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: bad rotation value.\n");
- exit(1);
- }
- while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF)
- putchar(ROTATE(ch, rot));
- exit(0);
-}
+++ /dev/null
-#!/bin/sh -
-#
-# Copyright (c) 1992, 1993
-# The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
-#
-# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-# are met:
-# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-# 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-# may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-# without specific prior written permission.
-#
-# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-# ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-# IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-# ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-# FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-# DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-# OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-# HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-# LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-# SUCH DAMAGE.
-#
-# @(#)rot13.sh 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-exec /usr/bin/caesar 13 "$@"
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-.include <src.opts.mk>
-
-PROG= factor
-SRCS= factor.c pr_tbl.c
-CFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../primes
-
-.if ${MK_OPENSSL} != "no"
-CFLAGS+=-DHAVE_OPENSSL
-DPADD= ${LIBCRYPTO}
-LDADD= -lcrypto
-.endif
-
-MAN= factor.6
-MLINKS+=factor.6 primes.6
-.PATH: ${.CURDIR}/../primes
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
- secure/lib/libcrypto \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
-.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
-.\" Landon Curt Noll.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\" without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\" @(#)factor.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-.\"
-.\" $FreeBSD$
-.\"
-.\" By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
-.\"
-.\" chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
-.\"
-.Dd October 10, 2002
-.Dt FACTOR 6
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm factor , primes
-.Nd factor a number, generate primes
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl h
-.Op Ar number ...
-.Nm primes
-.Op Fl h
-.Op Ar start Op Ar stop
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-The
-.Nm
-utility will factor positive integers.
-When a number is factored, it is printed, followed by a
-.Ql \&: ,
-and the list of factors on a single line.
-Factors are listed in ascending order, and are preceded by a space.
-If a factor divides a value more than once, it will be printed more than once.
-.Pp
-When
-.Nm
-is invoked with one or more arguments, each argument will be factored.
-.Pp
-When
-.Nm
-is invoked with no arguments,
-.Nm
-reads numbers, one per line, from standard input, until end of file or error.
-Leading white-space and empty lines are ignored.
-Numbers may be preceded by a single
-.Ql + .
-Numbers are terminated by a non-digit character (such as a newline).
-After a number is read, it is factored.
-.Pp
-The
-.Nm primes
-utility prints primes in ascending order, one per line, starting at or above
-.Ar start
-and continuing until, but not including
-.Ar stop .
-The
-.Ar start
-value must be at least 0 and not greater than
-.Ar stop .
-The
-.Ar stop
-value must not be greater than the maximum.
-The default and maximum value of
-.Ar stop
-is 3825123056546413050.
-.Pp
-When the
-.Nm primes
-utility is invoked with no arguments,
-.Ar start
-is read from standard input and
-.Ar stop
-is taken to be the maximum.
-The
-.Ar start
-value may be preceded by a single
-.Ql + .
-The
-.Ar start
-value is terminated by a non-digit character (such as a newline).
-.Sh DIAGNOSTICS
-.Bl -diag
-.It "negative numbers aren't permitted"
-.It "illegal numeric format"
-.It "start value must be less than stop value"
-.It "Result too large"
-.El
-.Sh BUGS
-.Nm
-cannot handle the
-.Dq "10 most wanted"
-factor list,
-.Nm primes
-will not get you a world record.
-.Pp
-.Nm primes
-is unable to list primes between 3825123056546413050 and 18446744073709551615
-since it relies on strong pseudoprime tests after sieving, and nobody has
-proven how many strong pseudoprime tests are required to prove primality for
-integers larger than 3825123056546413050.
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Landon Curt Noll.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#ifndef lint
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-#ifdef __COPYRIGHT
-__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.");
-#endif
-#ifdef __SCCSID
-__SCCSID("@(#)factor.c 8.4 (Berkeley) 5/4/95");
-#endif
-#ifdef __RCSID
-__RCSID("$NetBSD: factor.c,v 1.19 2009/08/12 05:54:31 dholland Exp $");
-#endif
-#ifdef __FBSDID
-__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
-#endif
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-/*
- * factor - factor a number into primes
- *
- * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
- *
- * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
- *
- * usage:
- * factor [-h] [number] ...
- *
- * The form of the output is:
- *
- * number: factor1 factor1 factor2 factor3 factor3 factor3 ...
- *
- * where factor1 <= factor2 <= factor3 <= ...
- *
- * If no args are given, the list of numbers are read from stdin.
- */
-
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <err.h>
-#include <errno.h>
-#include <inttypes.h>
-#include <limits.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#include "primes.h"
-
-#ifdef HAVE_OPENSSL
-
-#include <openssl/bn.h>
-
-#define PRIME_CHECKS 5
-
-static void pollard_pminus1(BIGNUM *); /* print factors for big numbers */
-
-#else
-
-typedef ubig BIGNUM;
-typedef u_long BN_ULONG;
-
-#define BN_CTX int
-#define BN_CTX_new() NULL
-#define BN_new() ((BIGNUM *)calloc(sizeof(BIGNUM), 1))
-#define BN_is_zero(v) (*(v) == 0)
-#define BN_is_one(v) (*(v) == 1)
-#define BN_mod_word(a, b) (*(a) % (b))
-
-static int BN_dec2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str);
-static int BN_hex2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str);
-static BN_ULONG BN_div_word(BIGNUM *, BN_ULONG);
-static void BN_print_fp(FILE *, const BIGNUM *);
-
-#endif
-
-static void BN_print_dec_fp(FILE *, const BIGNUM *);
-
-static void pr_fact(BIGNUM *); /* print factors of a value */
-static void pr_print(BIGNUM *); /* print a prime */
-static void usage(void);
-
-static BN_CTX *ctx; /* just use a global context */
-static int hflag;
-
-int
-main(int argc, char *argv[])
-{
- BIGNUM *val;
- int ch;
- char *p, buf[LINE_MAX]; /* > max number of digits. */
-
- ctx = BN_CTX_new();
- val = BN_new();
- if (val == NULL)
- errx(1, "can't initialise bignum");
-
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "h")) != -1)
- switch (ch) {
- case 'h':
- hflag++;
- break;
- case '?':
- default:
- usage();
- }
- argc -= optind;
- argv += optind;
-
- /* No args supplied, read numbers from stdin. */
- if (argc == 0)
- for (;;) {
- if (fgets(buf, sizeof(buf), stdin) == NULL) {
- if (ferror(stdin))
- err(1, "stdin");
- exit (0);
- }
- for (p = buf; isblank(*p); ++p);
- if (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0')
- continue;
- if (*p == '-')
- errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
- if (BN_dec2bn(&val, buf) == 0 &&
- BN_hex2bn(&val, buf) == 0)
- errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", buf);
- pr_fact(val);
- }
- /* Factor the arguments. */
- else
- for (; *argv != NULL; ++argv) {
- if (argv[0][0] == '-')
- errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
- if (BN_dec2bn(&val, argv[0]) == 0 &&
- BN_hex2bn(&val, argv[0]) == 0)
- errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[0]);
- pr_fact(val);
- }
- exit(0);
-}
-
-/*
- * pr_fact - print the factors of a number
- *
- * Print the factors of the number, from the lowest to the highest.
- * A factor will be printed multiple times if it divides the value
- * multiple times.
- *
- * Factors are printed with leading tabs.
- */
-static void
-pr_fact(BIGNUM *val)
-{
- const ubig *fact; /* The factor found. */
-
- /* Firewall - catch 0 and 1. */
- if (BN_is_zero(val)) /* Historical practice; 0 just exits. */
- exit(0);
- if (BN_is_one(val)) {
- printf("1: 1\n");
- return;
- }
-
- /* Factor value. */
-
- if (hflag) {
- fputs("0x", stdout);
- BN_print_fp(stdout, val);
- } else
- BN_print_dec_fp(stdout, val);
- putchar(':');
- for (fact = &prime[0]; !BN_is_one(val); ++fact) {
- /* Look for the smallest factor. */
- do {
- if (BN_mod_word(val, (BN_ULONG)*fact) == 0)
- break;
- } while (++fact <= pr_limit);
-
- /* Watch for primes larger than the table. */
- if (fact > pr_limit) {
-#ifdef HAVE_OPENSSL
- BIGNUM *bnfact;
-
- bnfact = BN_new();
- BN_set_word(bnfact, *(fact - 1));
- if (!BN_sqr(bnfact, bnfact, ctx))
- errx(1, "error in BN_sqr()");
- if (BN_cmp(bnfact, val) > 0 ||
- BN_is_prime(val, PRIME_CHECKS,
- NULL, NULL, NULL) == 1)
- pr_print(val);
- else
- pollard_pminus1(val);
-#else
- pr_print(val);
-#endif
- break;
- }
-
- /* Divide factor out until none are left. */
- do {
- printf(hflag ? " 0x%" PRIx64 "" : " %" PRIu64 "", *fact);
- BN_div_word(val, (BN_ULONG)*fact);
- } while (BN_mod_word(val, (BN_ULONG)*fact) == 0);
-
- /* Let the user know we're doing something. */
- fflush(stdout);
- }
- putchar('\n');
-}
-
-static void
-pr_print(BIGNUM *val)
-{
- if (hflag) {
- fputs(" 0x", stdout);
- BN_print_fp(stdout, val);
- } else {
- putchar(' ');
- BN_print_dec_fp(stdout, val);
- }
-}
-
-static void
-usage(void)
-{
- fprintf(stderr, "usage: factor [-h] [value ...]\n");
- exit(1);
-}
-
-#ifdef HAVE_OPENSSL
-
-/* pollard p-1, algorithm from Jim Gillogly, May 2000 */
-static void
-pollard_pminus1(BIGNUM *val)
-{
- BIGNUM *base, *rbase, *num, *i, *x;
-
- base = BN_new();
- rbase = BN_new();
- num = BN_new();
- i = BN_new();
- x = BN_new();
-
- BN_set_word(rbase, 1);
-newbase:
- if (!BN_add_word(rbase, 1))
- errx(1, "error in BN_add_word()");
- BN_set_word(i, 2);
- BN_copy(base, rbase);
-
- for (;;) {
- BN_mod_exp(base, base, i, val, ctx);
- if (BN_is_one(base))
- goto newbase;
-
- BN_copy(x, base);
- BN_sub_word(x, 1);
- if (!BN_gcd(x, x, val, ctx))
- errx(1, "error in BN_gcd()");
-
- if (!BN_is_one(x)) {
- if (BN_is_prime(x, PRIME_CHECKS, NULL, NULL,
- NULL) == 1)
- pr_print(x);
- else
- pollard_pminus1(x);
- fflush(stdout);
-
- BN_div(num, NULL, val, x, ctx);
- if (BN_is_one(num))
- return;
- if (BN_is_prime(num, PRIME_CHECKS, NULL, NULL,
- NULL) == 1) {
- pr_print(num);
- fflush(stdout);
- return;
- }
- BN_copy(val, num);
- }
- if (!BN_add_word(i, 1))
- errx(1, "error in BN_add_word()");
- }
-}
-
-/*
- * Sigh.. No _decimal_ output to file functions in BN.
- */
-static void
-BN_print_dec_fp(FILE *fp, const BIGNUM *num)
-{
- char *buf;
-
- buf = BN_bn2dec(num);
- if (buf == NULL)
- return; /* XXX do anything here? */
- fprintf(fp, "%s", buf);
- free(buf);
-}
-
-#else
-
-static void
-BN_print_fp(FILE *fp, const BIGNUM *num)
-{
- fprintf(fp, "%lx", (unsigned long)*num);
-}
-
-static void
-BN_print_dec_fp(FILE *fp, const BIGNUM *num)
-{
- fprintf(fp, "%lu", (unsigned long)*num);
-}
-
-static int
-BN_dec2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str)
-{
- char *p;
-
- errno = 0;
- **a = strtoul(str, &p, 10);
- return (errno == 0 && (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0'));
-}
-
-static int
-BN_hex2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str)
-{
- char *p;
-
- errno = 0;
- **a = strtoul(str, &p, 16);
- return (errno == 0 && (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0'));
-}
-
-static BN_ULONG
-BN_div_word(BIGNUM *a, BN_ULONG b)
-{
- BN_ULONG mod;
-
- mod = *a % b;
- *a /= b;
- return mod;
-}
-
-#endif
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-
-SUBDIR= fortune strfile datfiles unstr
-
-.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-.if exists(${.CURDIR}/../../Makefile.inc)
-.include "${.CURDIR}/../../Makefile.inc"
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Notes 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-Warning:
- The fortunes contained in the fortune database have been collected
- haphazardly from a cacophony of sources, in number so huge it
- boggles the mind. It is impossible to do any meaningful quality
- control on attributions, or lack thereof, or exactness of the quote.
- Since this database is not used for profit, and since entire works
- are not published, it falls under fair use, as we understand it.
- However, if any half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of
- this, they will need to double check it all, and nobody not involved
- of such an effort makes any warranty that anything in the database
- bears any relation to the real world of literature, law, or other
- bizzarrity.
-
-==> GENERAL INFORMATION
- By default, fortune retrieves its fortune files from the directory
-/usr/share/games/fortune. A fortune file has two parts: the source file
-(which contains the fortunes themselves) and the data file which describes
-the fortunes. The data file always has the same name as the fortune file
-with the string ".dat" concatenated, i.e. "fortunes" is the standard fortune
-database, and "fortunes.dat" is the data file which describes it. See
-strfile(8) for more information on creating the data files.
- Fortunes are split into potentially offensive and not potentially
-offensive parts. The offensive version of a file has the same name as the
-non-offensive version with "-o" concatenated, i.e. "fortunes" is the standard
-fortune database, and "fortunes-o" is the standard offensive database. The
-fortune program automatically assumes that any file with a name ending in
-"-o" is potentially offensive, and should therefore only be displayed if
-explicitly requested, either with the -o option or by specifying a file name
-on the command line.
- Potentially offensive fortune files should NEVER be maintained in
-clear text on the system. They are rotated (see caesar(6)) 13 positions.
-To create a new, potentially offensive database, use caesar to rotate it,
-and then create its data file with the -x option to strfile(8). The fortune
-program automatically decrypts the text when it prints entries from such
-databases.
- Anything which would not make it onto network prime time programming
-(or which would only be broadcast if some discredited kind of guy said it)
-MUST be in the potentially offensive database. Fortunes containing any
-explicit language (see George Carlin's recent updated list) MUST be in the
-potentially offensive database. Political and religious opinions are often
-sequestered in the potentially offensive section as well. Anything which
-assumes as a world view blatantly racist, misogynist (sexist), or homophobic
-ideas should not be in either, since they are not really funny unless *you*
-are racist, misogynist, or homophobic.
- The point of this is that people should have a reasonable
-expectation that, should they just run "fortune", they will not be offended.
-We know that some people take offense at anything, but normal people do have
-opinions, too, and have a right not to have their sensibilities offended by
-a program which is supposed to be entertaining. People who run "fortune
--o" or "fortune -a" are saying, in effect, that they are willing to have
-their sensibilities tweaked. However, they should not have their personal
-worth seriously (i.e., not in jest) assaulted. Jokes which depend for their
-humor on racist, misogynist, or homophobic stereotypes *do* seriously
-assault individual personal worth, and in a general entertainment medium
-we should be able to get by without it.
-
-==> FORMATTING
- This file describes the format for fortunes in the database. This
-is done in detail to make it easier to keep track of things. Any rule given
-here may be broken to make a better joke.
-
-[All examples are indented by one tab stop -- KCRCA]
-
-Numbers should be given in parentheses, e.g.,
-
- (1) Everything depends.
- (2) Nothing is always.
- (3) Everything is sometimes.
-
-Attributions are two tab stops, followed by two hyphens, followed by a
-space, followed by the attribution, and are *not* preceded by blank
-lines. Book, journal, movie, and all other titles are in quotes, e.g.,
-
- $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
- which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
- -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-
-Attributions which do not fit on one (72 char) line should be continued
-on a line which lines up below the first text of the attribution, e.g.,
-
- -- A very long attribution which might not fit on one
- line, "Ken Arnold's Stupid Sayings"
-
-Single paragraph fortunes are in left justified (non-indented) paragraphs
-unless they fall into another category listed below (see example above).
-Longer fortunes should also be in left justified paragraphs, but if this
-makes it too long, try indented paragraphs, with indentations of either one
-tab stop or 5 chars. Indentations of less than 5 are too hard to read.
-
-Laws have the title left justified and capitalized, followed by a colon,
-with all the text of the law itself indented one tab stop, initially
-capitalized, e.g.,
-
- A Law of Computer Programming:
- Make it possible for programmers to write in English and
- you will find the programmers cannot write in English.
-
-Limericks are indented as follows, all lines capitalized:
-
- A computer, to print out a fact,
- Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
- But this output can be
- No more than debris,
- If the input was short of exact.
-
-Accents precede the letter they are over, e.g., "`^He" for e with a grave
-accent. Underlining is done on a word-by-word basis, with the underlines
-preceding the word, e.g., "__^H^Hhi ____^H^H^H^Hthere".
-
-No fortune should run beyond 72 characters on a single line without good
-justification (er, no pun intended). And no right margin justification,
-either. Sorry. For BSD people, there is a program called "fmt" which can
-make this kind of formatting easier.
-
-Definitions are given with the word or phrase left justified, followed by
-the part of speech (if appropriate) and a colon. The definition starts
-indented by one tab stop, with subsequent lines left justified, e.g.,
-
- Afternoon, n.:
- That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
- the morning.
-
-Quotes are sometimes put around statements which are funnier or make more
-sense if they are understood as being spoken, rather than written,
-communication, e.g.,
-
- "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that
- keeps us sane."
-
-Ellipses are always surrounded by spaces, except when next to punctuation,
-and are three dots long.
-
- "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
- -- Mark Twain
-
-Human initials always have spaces after the periods, e.g, "P. T. Barnum",
-not "P.T. Barnum". However, "P.T.A.", not "P. T. A.".
-
-All fortunes should be attributed, but if and only if they are original with
-somebody. Many people have said things that are folk sayings (i.e., are
-common among the folk (i.e., us common slobs)). There is nothing wrong with
-this, of course, but such statements should not be attributed to individuals
-who did not invent them.
-
-Horoscopes should have the sign indented by one tab stop, followed by the
-dates of the sign, with the text left justified below it, e.g.,
-
- AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
- You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
- lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
- careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
- and over again. People think you are stupid.
-
-Single quotes should not be used except as quotes within quotes. Not even
-single quotes masquerading as double quotes are to be used, e.g., don't say
-``hi there'' or `hi there' or 'hi there', but "hi there". However, you
-*can* say "I said, `hi there'".
-
-A long poem or song can be ordered as follows in order to make it fit on a
-screen (fortunes should be 19 lines or less if at all possible) (numbers
-here are stanza numbers):
-
- 11111111111111111111
- 11111111111111111111
- 11111111111111111111 22222222222222222222
- 11111111111111111111 22222222222222222222
- 22222222222222222222
- 33333333333333333333 22222222222222222222
- 33333333333333333333
- 33333333333333333333 44444444444444444444
- 33333333333333333333 44444444444444444444
- 44444444444444444444
- 44444444444444444444
-
-
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)README 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-The potentially offensive fortunes are installed by default on FreeBSD
-systems. If you're absolutely, *positively*, without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt
-sure that your user community goes berzerk/sues your pants off/drops dead
-upon reading one of them, edit the Makefile in the subdirectory datfiles,
-and do "make all install".
-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
- Some years ago, my neighbor Avery said to me: "There has not been an
-adequate jokebook published since "Joe_Miller", which came out in 1739 and
-which, incidentally, was the most miserable no-good ... jokebook in the
-history of the printed word."
- In a subsequent conversation, Avery said: "A funny story is a funny
-story, no matter who is in it - whether it's about Catholics or Protestants,
-Jews or Gentiles, blacks or whites, browns or yellows. If a story is genuinely
-funny it makes no difference how dirty it is. Shout it from the rooftops.
-Let the chips fall all over the prairie and let the bonehead wowsers yelp.
-... on them."
- It is a nice thing to have a neighbor of Avery's grain. He has
-believed in the aforestated principles all his life. A great many other
-people nowadays are casting aside the pietistic attitude that has led them
-to plug up their ears against the facts of life. We of The Brotherhood
-believe as Avery believes; we have never been intimidated by the pharisaical
-meddlers who have been smelling up the American landscape since the time of
-the bundling board. Neither has any one of our members ever been called a
-racist. Still, we have been in unremitting revolt against the ignorant
-propensity which ordains, in effect, that "The Green Pastures" should never
-have been written; the idiot attitude which compelled Arthur Kober to abandon
-his delightful Bella Gross, and Octavius Roy Cohen to quit writing about the
-splendiferous Florian Slappey; the moronic frame of mind which, if carried
-to its logical end, would have forbidden Ring Lardner from writing in the
-language of the masses.
- -- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
-
- ... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy of The
-Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words: we believe in
-healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if
-needs be.
- Needs be.
- -- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-DB= fortunes freebsd-tips murphy startrek zippy
-
-# TO AVOID INSTALLING THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, COMMENT OUT THE
-# NEXT LINE.
-DB+= limerick murphy-o gerrold.limerick
-
-BLDS= ${DB:S/$/.dat/}
-FILES= ${DB} ${BLDS}
-CLEANFILES+=${BLDS}
-
-FILESDIR= ${SHAREDIR}/games/fortune
-
-.for f in ${DB}
-$f.dat: $f
- PATH=$$PATH:/usr/bin:${.OBJDIR}/../strfile \
- strfile -Cs ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET}
-.endfor
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-This fortune brought to you by:
-$FreeBSD$
-%
-=======================================================================
-|| ||
-|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
-|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
-|| ||
-=======================================================================
- Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
- "Fortune Cookie"
- Directed by Steven Spielberg.
- Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
- Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
- and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
- Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
- Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
- Read the Warner paperback!
- Invoke the Unix program!
- Soundtrack on XTC Records.
- In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
- centers.
-%
- FROM THE DESK OF
- Dorothy Gale
-
- Auntie Em:
- Hate you.
- Hate Kansas.
- Taking the dog.
- Dorothy
-%
- FROM THE DESK OF
- Rapunzel
-
-Dear Prince:
-
- Use ladder tonight --
- you're splitting my ends.
-%
- SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT
-
-Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
-Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
-
- ABSTRACT
- Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
-the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
-of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
-of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
-bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
-pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
-there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
-to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
-functions.
- This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
-This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
- Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
-%
- UNIX Trix
-
-For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
-save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
-next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
-to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
-forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
-the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
-either. If you need some help, give us a call.
-
- -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
-%
- 1/2
- 12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4 2
- ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0
- 7
-
-A dozen, a gross and a score,
-Plus three times the square root of four,
- Divided by seven,
- Plus five times eleven,
-Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
-%
- -- Gifts for Children --
-
-This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
-because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
-and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
-morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
-exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
-your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
-Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
-might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
-me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
-who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
- -- Gifts for Men --
-
-Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
-ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
-should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
-clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
-example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
-three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
-that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
-at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
-So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
-years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
-pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
-
-If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
-than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
-of tires.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
- Chapter 1
-
-The story so far:
-
- In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
-of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
-%
- DELETE A FORTUNE!
-
-Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
-to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
-"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
-gets expunged.
-%
- Get GUMMed
- --- ------
-The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
-1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
-the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
-each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
-chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
-nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
-days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
-seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
-Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
-"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
-Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
-all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
-could tell them.
- -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
-%
- Has your family tried 'em?
-
- POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
- Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
-
- They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
- the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
-
- POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
- Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
- the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
- stains that indicate freshness.
-%
- It's grad exam time...
-COMPUTER SCIENCE
- Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
-system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
-this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
-bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
-new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
-
-MATHEMATICS
- If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
-it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
-length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
-
-GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
-Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
-%
- It's grad exam time...
-MEDICINE
- You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
-bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
-been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
-
-HISTORY
- Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
-day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
-economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
-Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
-
-BIOLOGY
- Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
-if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
-special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
-%
- Pittsburgh driver's test
-10: Potholes are
- a) extremely dangerous.
- b) patriotic.
- c) the fault of the previous administration.
- d) all going to be fixed next summer.
-The correct answer is b.
-Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
-are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
-you have nothing to worry about.
-%
- Pittsburgh driver's test
-2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
- a) stop immediately.
- b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
- c) blow the horn.
- d) floor it.
-The correct answer is d.
-If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
-%
- Pittsburgh driver's test
-3: When stopped at an intersection you should
- a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
- b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
- c) blow the horn.
- d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
-The correct answer is d.
-You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
-street turns yellow.
-Answer c is worth a half point.
-%
- Pittsburgh driver's test
-4: Exhaust gas is
- a) beneficial.
- b) not harmful.
- c) toxic.
- d) a punk band.
-The correct answer is b.
-The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
-are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
-you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
-%
- Pittsburgh driver's test
-5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
- How often should you test it?
- a) once a year.
- b) once a month.
- c) once a day.
- d) once an hour.
-The correct answer is d.
-You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
-and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
-%
- Pittsburgh driver's test
-7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
- but a steady left tail light. This means
- a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
- horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
- b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
- c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
- d) The driver is from out of town.
-The correct answer is d.
-Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
-%
- Pittsburgh driver's test
-8: Pedestrians are
- a) irrelevant.
- b) communists.
- c) a nuisance.
- d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
-The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
-are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
-completely.
-%
- Pittsburgh driver's test
-9: Roads are salted in order to
- a) kill grass.
- b) melt snow.
- c) help the economy.
- d) prevent potholes.
-The correct answer is c.
-Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
-indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
-salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
-steel industries.
-%
- THE STORY OF CREATION
- or
- THE MYTH OF URK
-
-In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
-and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
-was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
-registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
-and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
-Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
-and there was morning, one interrupt ...
- -- Rico Tudor
-%
- JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
- by Mark Isaak
-
- Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
-character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
-hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
-are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
-BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
-to him.
- So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
-he met the traveling salesman.
- "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
-in high-level language.
- "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
-and Apples," commented Jack.
- "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
-there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
- Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
-he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
-started thrashing.
- "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
-kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
-window ...
-%
- Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
-
-(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
-(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
-(3) I don't know.
-(4) Who cares?
-(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
- Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
-(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
- book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
- bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
- Papyrus Books).
-%
- DETERIORATA
-
-Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
-And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
-Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
-Rotate your tires.
-Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
-And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
-Know what to kiss -- and when.
-Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
-But that three do.
-Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
-Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
-And despite the changing fortunes of time,
-There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
-
- You are a fluke of the universe ...
- You have no right to be here.
- Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
- Is laughing behind your back.
- -- National Lampoon
-%
- Double Bucky
- (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
-
-Double bucky, you're the one!
-You make my keyboard lots of fun
- Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
-(Vo-vo-de-o!)
-Control and Meta side by side,
-Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
- Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
-
-Double bucky, left and right
-OR'd together, outta sight!
- Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
- Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
- Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
- -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978
- (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
- be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
- by screen editors.)
-%
- Hard Copies and Chmod
-
-And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
-cold diskdrives hardware monitors
-user-hostile software
-
-of course they're only bits and bytes
-and characters and strings
-and files
-
-just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
-telling me he loves me and
-he'll take care of me
-
-simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
-deep intimate secrets and
-how he doesn't trust me
-
-couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
-on personal stationery
- -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
-%
- `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
-Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
-margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
-will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
-
- 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
-neither has street credibility.
- 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
-on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
-city.
- 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
-into a black hole.
- 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
-ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
- 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
- 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
-up of western dualism?
- 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
-%
- OUTCONERR
-Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
- Did logzerneg the ifthen block
-All kludgy were the function flows
- And subroutines adhoc.
-
-Beware the runtime-bug my friend
- squrooneg, the false goto
-Beware the infiniteloop
- And shun the inprectoo.
-%
- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
-1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
- nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
-2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
- when you hit the ground.
-3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
-4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
- to psychological problems.
-5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
- foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
- shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
-6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
- will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
-7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
-8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
- staggering illegally.
-9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
- sanitary due to limited circulation.
-10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
- supply on D-Day.
-%
- The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
-The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
-in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
-Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
-fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
-Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
-target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
-If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
-computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
-through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
-to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
-for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
-take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
-into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
-computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
-they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
-Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
-a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
- -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
-%
- The STAR WARS Song
- Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
-
-I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
-Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
- S-O-D-A soda
-I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
-I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
- Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-
-Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
-A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
- Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
-How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
- Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-%
- The Three Major Kind of Tools
-
-* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
- jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
- manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
- bludgeons, and truncheons.)
-
-* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
-
-* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
- greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
- (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
- any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
- (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
-Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
-Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
-And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
-Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
-Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
-And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
-And we've also found Just flip one switch
-When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
-You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
- in a flash.
-Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
-Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
-And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
-%
- 'Twas the Night before Crisis
-
-'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
- Not a program was working not even a browse.
-The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
- Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
-The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
- While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
-When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
- I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
-And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
- But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
-More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
- And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
-On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
- On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
-His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
- From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
-A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
- Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
-%
- What I Did During My Fall Semester
-On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
-Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
-Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
-
-On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
-Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
-Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
-
-On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
-Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
-I found a thesis topic:
- How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
- -- Sister Mary Elephant,
- "Student Statement for Black Friday"
-%
- William Safire's Rules for Writers:
-
-Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
-be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
-agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
-out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
-of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
-not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
-conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
-sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
-close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
-words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
-must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
-linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
-metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
-be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
-writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
-the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
-viable alternatives.
-%
- 1/3
- /\(3)
- | 2 1/3
- | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
- |
- \/ 1
-
-The integral of z squared, dz
-From 1 to the cube root of 3
- Times the cosine
- Of 3 PI over nine
-Is the log of the cube root of e
-%
- THE DAILY PLANET
-
- SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
- Plans to "Eat it later"
-%
- *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
-
-Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
-terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
-the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
-School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
-They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
-With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
-and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
-in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
-computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
-you should blame when you make a mistake.
-
- Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
- I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
- postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
-
-*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
-%
- A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
- by Mark Twain
-
- For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
-to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
-be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
-would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
-might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
-same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
-"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
- Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
-with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
-or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
-Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
-ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
-ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
- Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
-hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
-%
- *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
-Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
-terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
-the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
-School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
-
- *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
-Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
-help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
-enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
-
- *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
-To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
-try this simple test:
- 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
- of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
- 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
- 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
-If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
-them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
-%
- *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
-
-Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
-programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
-form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
-winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
-sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
-Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
-program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
-was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
-his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
-have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
-in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
-be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
-can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
-yourself in the morning.
-%
-
-\a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
-
-System going down in 60 seconds
-
-
-%
- ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
-personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
-best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
-Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
-soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
-reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
-table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
-not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
-crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
-beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
-wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
-Liza Minnelli.
- -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
- ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
-%
- 7,140 pounds on the Sun
- 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
- 255 pounds on Earth
- 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
- 43 pounds on the Moon
- 648 pounds on Jupiter
- 275 pounds on Saturn
- 303 pounds on Neptune
- 13 pounds on Pluto
-
- -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
- in the solar system.
-%
- A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
-the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
-the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
-another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
-and forth.
- "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
-of carp-to-carp walleting."
-%
- A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
-the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
-missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
-his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
-work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
-flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
- At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
-events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
-dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
-"Have you seen my parakeet?"
-%
- A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
-a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
-foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
-have what I think is a pretty good act."
- The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
-the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
-Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
-his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
-man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
-performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
-from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
-the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
- "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
- "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
-imitations?"
-%
- A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
-long-distance caw.
-%
- A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
-his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
-the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
- Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
-toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
-%
- A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
-whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
-got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
-medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
-rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
- The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
-itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
-and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
- The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
-commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
-%
- A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
-his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
-%
- A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
-house of seven gobbles.
-%
- A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
-her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
-looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
-sadly, "runneth over."
-%
- A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
-After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
-one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
-the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
- "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
- "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
-%
- A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
-finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
-the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
-%
- A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
-book The Martian Chronicles?"
- I said, "Yes?"
- He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
-East?"
- I said, "Yes?"
- He said "No." -- So I hit him.
- -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
-%
- A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
-days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
-%
- A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
- The housewife replied, "Four!".
- The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
-through my spread sheet one more time."
- The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
-hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
-%
- A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
-made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
-would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
-lawyer.
- "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
-state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
-I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay."
- "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
- "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
-and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
-%
- A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
-the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
- The bartender ignores him.
- "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
- Still ignored.
- "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
- The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
-leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
- Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
-jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
-saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
-"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
-%
- A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
-to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
- When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
-and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
-French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
-and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
-German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
- Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
-told, "that one is 150,000."
- "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
- "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
-do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
- -- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
- A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
-Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
-wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
- "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
-pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
-disciples."
- Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
-%
- A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
-first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
- "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
-and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
- "But the collar is up around my ears!"
- "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
-little more ... that's it."
- "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
- "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
-go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
- So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
-street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
- "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
- "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
- A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
-shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
-that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
-soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
- The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
-agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
-Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
--- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
-knife!
- Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
-afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
-he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
-for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
-help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
- Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
- "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
-won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
-%
- A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
-during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
-was making a bolt for the door.
-%
- A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
-"Do you serve lawyers here?".
- "Sure do," replied the bartender.
- "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
-my 'gator."
-%
- A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
-wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
-%
- A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
-%
- A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
-program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
-promptly replied.
- "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
-how long will it take?"
- The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
-to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
- "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
-satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
- The programmer agreed to this.
- Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his
-retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
-He had been programming all night.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
-invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
-manager retained his job.
- The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
-refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
-concept, and thus I expect no reward."
- The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
-holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
-employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
- But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
-so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
-everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
-work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
-at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
-resigned on the spot.
- So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
-working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
-programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
-hours of the morning.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
-document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
-it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
- "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
- "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
-take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
- The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
- "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
- The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
-completed," he said.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
-noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
-he said, "may I examine it?"
- The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
-"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
-and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
-where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
-human."
- "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
-mysterious setting?"
- The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
-And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
-"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
-said the master.
- "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
- "It is," came the reply.
- "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
- "It is even in a video game," said the master.
- "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
- The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
-over for today," he said.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A MODERN FABLE
-
-Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
-far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
-with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
-today's minute attention span.
-
- The Troubled Aardvark
-
-Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
-driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
-in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
-unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled
-children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
-his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
-pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
-personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
-wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
-course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
-drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
-
-MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
- -- Tom Annau
-%
- A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
-new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
-%
- A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
-the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
-pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
-nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
- "If what?" asked the composer.
- "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
-%
- A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
-removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
-doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
-amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
-limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
-larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
-power-down sequence.
- An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
-building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
-bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
-cool.
-%
- A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
-documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
-the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
- The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
-gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
-crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
-need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
-has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
-themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
-entered the mystery of the Tao."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
-sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
-baffled. What is the reason for this?"
- The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
-the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
-do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
-simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
- The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
-Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
- "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
-novice.
- "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
-much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
-among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
-Why is this so?"
- The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
-company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
-would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
-servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
-of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
-that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
-vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
-'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
-names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
-unnatural entity exist?"
- The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
-disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
-its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
-beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
-package.
- The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
-reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
-of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
-but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
- When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
-"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
-power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
-"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
-of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
-machine worked.
-%
- "A penny for your thoughts?"
- "A dollar for your death."
- -- The Odd Couple
-%
- A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
-in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
-noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
- The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
-party. He walked out into the night.
- The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
-be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
-too.
- The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
-to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
-save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
-the wolf pack.
- At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
-He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
-has killed them all.
- The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
-went out to be killed?
- The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
-He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
-%
- A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
-strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
-throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
-loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
-rigidity.
- A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment." What is this
-law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
-way that astonishes him least.
- A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
-program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
-appearances.
- If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
-disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
-program.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
-conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
-of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
-unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
-clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
-made rude noises during my presentation."
- The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
-Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
-an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
-Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
-with social conventions?"
- "They are alive within the Tao."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
-these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
- "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
-jerks."
-%
- A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
-carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
-doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
- Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
-which contained twelve more loons.
- "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
- "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
- "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
- "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
-%
- A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
-recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
-his wellness potential."
-
- Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
-of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
-
- A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
-
- At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
-mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
-
- After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
-of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
-only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
-of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
-unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
-touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
-experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
-pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
-sent him.
- -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
-%
- A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
-"This is a parson to parson call."
- A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
-Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
- Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
-deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
- Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
-often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
- The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
-caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
- A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
-granite.
-%
- A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
-As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
-eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
-under the kilt?"
- He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
-SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
-really want to know.
- The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
-under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
-%
- A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
-realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
-see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
-group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
-that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
-it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
- I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
-work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
-Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
-dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
-another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
-the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
-requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
-going to it is so large.
- Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
-electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
-British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
-British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
-I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
-secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
- -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
-%
- A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
-Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
- A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
-friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
-had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
-and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
- Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
-from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
-Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
-%
- "...A strange enigma is man!"
- "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
- "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
-that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
-becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
-any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
-will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
-the statistician."
- -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
-%
- A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
-%
- A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
-to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
-sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
-"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
-Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
- "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
- "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
-a snake?"
- "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
-am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
-suck the poison from the wound."
- "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
-a rattler?" persisted the woman.
- "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
-who my real friends are."
-%
- A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
-little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
-save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
-%
- A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
-and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
-child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
-therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
-to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
-the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
-his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
- The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
-after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
- Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
-%
- ACHTUNG!!!
-Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
-schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
-spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
-rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
-vatch das blinkenlights!!!
-%
- After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
-Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
-and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
-to be created."
- "This is true," He replied.
- "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
- "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
-right to make his laws?"
- "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
-make his own."
- It was so granted.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
- After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
-directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
-Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
-edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
- "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
-wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
- -- DECWARS
-%
- After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
- the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
-would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
-favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
-camp chores.
- The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
- as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
-discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
-children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
-Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
-ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
- "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
-Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
-interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
-a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
-cattle. We shall bury him in it."
- Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
- Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
- "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
-realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
- -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
- Feghoot!"
-%
- All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
-how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
-graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
-These are the things I learned:
- Share everything.
- Play fair.
- Don't hit people.
- Put things back where you found them.
- Clean up your own mess.
- Don't take things that aren't yours.
- Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
- Wash your hands before you eat.
- Flush.
- Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
- Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
-paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
- Take a nap every afternoon.
- When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
-and stick together.
- Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
-cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
-how or why, but we are all like that.
- Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
-the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
- And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
-learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
- Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
-Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
-and sane living.
- [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
-whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
-and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
-had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
-and to clean up their own mess.
- And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
-out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
- -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
- I Learned in Kindergarten"
-%
- All that you touch, And all you create,
- All that you see, And all you destroy,
- All that you taste, All that you do,
- All you feel, And all you say,
- And all that you love, All that you eat,
- And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
- All you distrust, All that you slight,
- All you save, And everyone you fight,
- And all that you give, And all that is now,
- And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
- All that you buy, And all that's to come,
- Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
- in tune,
- But the sun is eclipsed
- By the moon.
-
-There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
- -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
-%
- America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
-with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
-years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
-or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
-wife. They approve.
- The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
-want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
-thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
-the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
- Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
-to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
-up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
-Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
-perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
-impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
-the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
-screams: "Anybody got a match?"
-%
- An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
-time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
-had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
-teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
-%
- An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
-he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
-restraint.
- As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
-after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
-time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
-with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
-is ready to build a second system.
- This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
-he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
-other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
-will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
-generalizable.
- The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
-the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
-The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
-%
- An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
-is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
-announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
- "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
-all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
-piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
- Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
-"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
-outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
-this head and pulls the trigger.
- The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
-again?"
- "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
- -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
-%
- An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
-The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
-to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
-used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
-woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
-and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
-over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
-and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
- The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
-while plunging the knife into his heart.
- The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
-"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
- The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
-while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
-%
- An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
-in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
- "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
-you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
-an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
-hour seems like a minute."
- The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
-moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
- An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
-great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
-I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
-I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
-I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
- Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
- -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
-%
- "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
-asked the father of his little son.
- "Diet."
-%
- "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
- "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding
-someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
- "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
-can at least make a decision."
- "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
-young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
-up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
- -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
-%
- "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
- "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
- "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
- "That was the curious incident."
- -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
-%
- Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
-preaching to a group of disciples.
- "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
-the absolute reality of --"
- "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
- Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
-vaporized.
- On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
-with the spirit of the morning.
- "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
-"Thou art That..."
- "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
- Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
-and he vaporized.
- Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
-enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
-soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
- "US?" snapped Hakuin.
- Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
-Governor, and he vaporized.
- Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
-his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
-%
- "Are you police officers?"
- "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
- -- The Blues Brothers
-%
- "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
- "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
- -- Monty Python
-%
- As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
-for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
-am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
-you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
-friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
- "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
-for doing it."
- -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
-%
- At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
-Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
-under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
-%
- Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
-took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
-followers.
- One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
-there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
- "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
-commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
-Purpose in Life, anyway?"
- Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
-Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
- Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
- Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
- -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
-%
- "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
-and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full
-of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
-by their ignorance the hard way."
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"
-%
- Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
-and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
-boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
-look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
- By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
-teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
-the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
- Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
-Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
-what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
-clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
-get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
-You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
- Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
-pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
- "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
-%
- "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
- "Tell 'em I lied."
-%
- By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
-the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
-still five feet between rails.
- It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
-in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
-of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
-axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
-could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
-great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
-rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
-new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
-over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
-was possible.
- -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
-%
- Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
-along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
-Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
- Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
-would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
- Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
-to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
- Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
-I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
- Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
-whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
- Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
-it some other time, Carrie."
- She gave it up.
- -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
-%
- Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
-the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
-"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
-%
- Chapter VIII
-Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
-Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
-like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
-%
- "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
-way I ought to go from here?"
- "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
-the Cat.
- "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
- "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
- Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
-in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
-owls."
- -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
- COONDOG MEMORY
- (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
-
-Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
-old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
-For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
-is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
-try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
-two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
-back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
-come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
-run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
-something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
-up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
-neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
-stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
-coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
-skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
-Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
-was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
-air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
-Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
-is for sale.
- -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
-%
- Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
-functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
-the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
- However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
-diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
-square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
-date of purchase.
- NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
-DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
-ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
-CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
- -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
-%
- Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
-
- Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
- Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
- Sept 28 Blind Academy
- Sept 30 World War I Veterans
- Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
- Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
- Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
- Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
- Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
- Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
-%
- Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
- Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
- Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
- Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
-
- Don't we know archaic barrel,
- Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
- Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
- Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
- -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
-%
- "Do you think there's a God?"
- "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
- -- Calvin and Hobbs
-%
- Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
-white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
-
-Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
-
-p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
- Or is Vaseline better?
-%
- "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
-sincerely, extremely dangerously.
- They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
-They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
-intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
-They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
-used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
-bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
-They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
-They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
- -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
-%
- "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
- "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
- "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
- "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
-%
- Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
-at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
-"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
-experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
- "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
-to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
-thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
-march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
-sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
-The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
-human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
-sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
-all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
-knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
-my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
-characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
-The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
-`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
- -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
-%
- During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
-him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
- In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
-She's a woman who conks to stupor.
- Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
-man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
- It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
- It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
-bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
-%
- During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
-were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
-red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
-"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
- "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
-shot at mine, over there."
-%
- Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
-called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
-have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
-most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
-time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
-have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
-although God alone knows why it would want to.
- The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
-direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
-have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
-direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
-harmful electron buildup in the wires.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
- Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
-At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
-after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
-"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
-charming a wife."
-%
- Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
-far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
-the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
- It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
-days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
- There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
-speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
- The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
-and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
-sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
- Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
-be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
-than I am.
- I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
-that she didn't recognize me.
- I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
-this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
-they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
- Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
-%
- Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
-mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
-"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
-how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
-"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
-So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
- -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
- Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the
-humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
-rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
-seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
-The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
- "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
-aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
-but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
- "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
-message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
-but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
-energy policy and neither do you."
- -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
-%
- "Fantasies are free."
- "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
-%
- Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
-other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
-the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
-d'oeuvres.
- Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
-to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
-Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
-piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
- Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
-inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
-other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
-placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
-the little hammers strike.
- Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
-their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
-Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
-
- You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
-you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
-4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
-%
- "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
-of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
-
- "Whose?"
-
- "MINE! HA-HA!"
-%
- "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
-"of course you know what `it' means."
-
- "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
-said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
-
-The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
-%
- Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
-"What happened?"
- "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
-%
- "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
-extracurricular activity except you."
- "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
- "Only to ten, Mudhead."
- -- The Firesign Theatre
-%
- Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
- Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
-to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
- The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
-text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
- Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
-the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
-expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
- Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
-perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
-denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
-
- Thank you and good luck.
- -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
-%
- GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
-
-On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
-Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
-off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
-wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
-mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
-tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
-stood lookout.
-%
- Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
-may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
-Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
-even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
-aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
- If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
-for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
-Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
-hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
- Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
-bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
-for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
-proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
-about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
- Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
-them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
-you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
--- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
-Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
- Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
-can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
-line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
-to stay employed.
- -- Technolorata, "Analog"
-%
- "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
-his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
-verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
-thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
-had actually implicationed.
- "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
-leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
-since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
- -- The Guardian
-%
- Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
-are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
-and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
-to conquer the world.
- Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
-hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
-lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
-not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
-for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
- Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
- "Yes; I don't have one."
- "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
- -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
-%
- "Have you lived here all your life?"
- "Oh, twice that long."
-%
- "Hawk, we're going to die."
- "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
- -- M*A*S*H
-%
- He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
-until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
-heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
-ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
-rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
-felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
-doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
-"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
-right now."
- "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
-out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
-%
- ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
-does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
-combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
-self-propagating.
- -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
-%
- He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
-lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
-without darkening me.
- -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
-%
- "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
- "Whattaya need?"
- "Oh, about $500."
- "Whattaya got for collateral?"
- "Whattaya need?"
- "How about an eye?"
- -- Sam Giancana
-%
- "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
-between amd64 and ia64."
- "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd
-know the difference then."
- -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
-%
- Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
-willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
-for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
-"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
-centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
-trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
-because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
-object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
- Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
-broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
-a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
-inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
-same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
-an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
-these sometime around the middle of next week".
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
- "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
-of her blonde companion.
- "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
- "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
- "Olives."
-%
- "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why
-were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
- "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
-replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
-you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
-deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
-second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
-in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
-licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
-examined his claws.
- "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
-hers and not my own, not ever again."
- -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
-%
- "How many people work here?"
- "Oh, about half."
-%
- How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
-3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
-could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
- -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
-%
- "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
-social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
-full of money before."
-%
- Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
-misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
-the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
-see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
-background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
-uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
-cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
-remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
-line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
-The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
- -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
-%
- "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
-quavering voice.
- "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
-course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
-I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
-Elven-lore:
-
- "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
- Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
- Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
- This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
- The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
- The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
- If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
- If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
- -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
- I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
-the sky blue?"
- HE asked me about black holes in space.
- (There's a hole *where*?)
-
- I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
- HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
- (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
-
- I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
- HE talked internal combustion engines.
- (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
-
- I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
-as equals.
- HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
-the graphics.
-
- Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
- HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
- (Gotcha!)
- -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
-%
- I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
-use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
-violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
-is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
-of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
-each other up:
- You: Hello? Bob?
- Bob: Yes?
- You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
- took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
- Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
- You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
- "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
- I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
- and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
- the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
- have to get back to you.
- Bob: Fine.
- -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
- "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
- Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
-till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
-you!'"
- "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
-objected.
- "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
-tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
-less."
- "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
-so many different things."
- "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
-that's all."
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
- I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
-accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
-the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
-can't be measured in monetary terms.
- Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
-have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
-by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
-should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
-understand his long delay.
-%
- I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
-I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?"
- He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
-the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
- I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
-want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his
-shack in the desert.
- Then the phone rang. He said "You get it."
- I picked it up and said "Hello?"
- The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
- I said "Yes..."
- The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
-your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
-university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
-loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
- I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all
-of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
-and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
- -- Steven Wright
-%
- "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
-I think very probably he might be cured."
- "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
- "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
- The elders murmured assent.
- "Now, what affects it?"
- "Ah!" said old Yacob.
- "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
-things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
-depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
-as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
-his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
-irritation and distraction."
- "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
- "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
-to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
-operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
- "And then he will be sane?"
- "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
- "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
- -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
-%
- "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
- "Did you ever see a doctor?"
- "No, just spots."
-%
- I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
-of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
-of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
-as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
-"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
-at present".
- When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
-myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
-immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
-observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
-but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
- I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
-conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
-proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
-I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
-prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
-happened to be in the right.
- -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
-%
- I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
-me to cry.
- This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
-to weep."
- I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
-back; I would be nice."
- Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
- "Oh, not enough."
- "Nobody can give anybody enough."
- "Not ever?"
- "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
- "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
- "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
-valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
- -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
-%
- I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
-asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
-That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
-over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
-arrests.
- "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
- "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
-these complaints represent?"
- "What do they represent?" I asked.
- "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
-closing the book.
- -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
-%
- [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
-including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
-as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
- Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
-of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
-and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
-My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
-when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
-into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
-pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
-into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
-explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
-time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
-deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
-%
- "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
-that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
-more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
-might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
-otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
-otherwise.'"
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
- I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
- He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
- I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
-to me that don't sound like much fun.
- -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
-%
- "I suppose you expect me to talk."
- "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
- -- Goldfinger
-%
- "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
- "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
-dairy products."
- -- The Life of Brian
-%
- "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
- "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
-%
- If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
- On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
-that is also a psychological interaction.
- The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
-so friendly.
- The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
- -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
-%
- If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
-operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
-is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
-the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
- The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
-to the assembler.
- The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
-languages.
- Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
-expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
-the tao.
- But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
-%
- If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
-everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
-we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
- Both those things sound pretty good to me.
- -- Sparky Anderson
-%
- If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
-brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
-up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
-repeat the sequence.
- You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
-hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
-again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
-your own apartment?
- -- William S. Burroughs
-%
- If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
-around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
-explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
-"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
-deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
-better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
-with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
-you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
-successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
- And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
-You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
-difficult can it be?"
- Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
-which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
-other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
-yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
- "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
-means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
-somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
- "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
-them, or something?"
- "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
-lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
-not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
- "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
- "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
-you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
-it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
-would destroy the whole point of it."
- -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
-%
- I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
-right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
-library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
-should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
-was by the time I find it.
- I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
-"The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
-that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
-pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
-blank."
- -- Alex Crain
-%
- "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
-badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
- "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home
-under my arm."
-%
- In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
-Junior, what are you up to?"
- "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
-rabbit.
- "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
-will publish such rubbish!"
- "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
- They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
-rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
-wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
- "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
-wolves."
- "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
- "Come with me and I'll show you."
- As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
-and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
-and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
-lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
-remnants of the wolf and the fox.
-
- The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
-important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
-%
- In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
-his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
-kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
-was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
-Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
-Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
-of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
-and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
-out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
-to product."
- According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
-10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
-lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
-pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
-been an efficiency expert?
- -- Motor Trend, May 1983
-%
- In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
-null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
-IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
-be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
-carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
-the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
-evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
- -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
-%
- In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
-the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
-large numbers and prospered.
- One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
-as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
-was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
-until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
- The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
-structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
-out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
-they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
-understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
-amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
-Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
- -- The Story of Babel
-%
- In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
-Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
-
- Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
-time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
-have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
- How could it be otherwise?
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
-sat hacking at the PDP-6.
- "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
- "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
- "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
- "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
- At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
-you close your eyes?"
- "So that the room will be empty."
- At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
-%
- In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
-changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
-bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
-This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
-making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
-the blue sky at its back, returns home.
- The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
-it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
-its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
-does not know that the bird has come and gone.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
-to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
-like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
-baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
-Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
-achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
-right any day."
- "And are you?"
- "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
- "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
-life-style otherwise."
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
- "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
- "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
- "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
- "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
-%
- It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
-directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
-During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
-Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
-enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
-sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
-custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
-freedom and games to the network...
- -- DECWARS
-%
- It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
-by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
-the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
-case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
-which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
-like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
-require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
- -- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
- It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
-not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
-because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
-human beings.
- The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
-there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
-duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
-of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
-you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
-and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
- Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
-to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
-response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
- Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
-have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
-different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
-person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
-remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
-religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
- -- Playboy, January, 1983
-%
- It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
-for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
-change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
-ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
-after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
-starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
-a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
-his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
-he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
-passengers.
- One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
-a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
-parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
-to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
-As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
-the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
-"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
-%
- It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
-balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
-turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
-need to find out where we are."
- Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
-cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
-standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
-where we are?"
- The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
-fifty feet in the air!"
- George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
- Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
- "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
-useless!"
-
-That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
-George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
-New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
-%
- It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
-everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
-was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
-cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
- There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
-really needed in the first place.
- I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
-analogous to the above.
- -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
-%
- It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
-laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
-thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
-nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
-for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
- Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
-under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
-icepacks.
- -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
- "It's a summons."
- "What's a summons?"
- "It means summon's in trouble."
- -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
-%
- "It's today!" said Piglet.
- "My favorite day," said Pooh.
-%
- Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
-been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
- "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
-when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
-Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
-it always me, teacher?"
- "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
-explains.
-
- -- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
- Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
-lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
-getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
-the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
-sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
-you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
-What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
-of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
-the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
-They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
-applications for.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
- Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
-tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
-and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
-outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
-caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
-day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
- Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
-What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
-start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
-Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
-class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
-movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
-police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
-home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
-now. They're in a band.
- -- Ira Kaplan
-%
- Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
-Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
- Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
-dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
-dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
-away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
-the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
-other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
-out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
-back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
-forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
- -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
-%
- Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
-into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
-galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
- Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
-eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
-rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
-the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
- The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
-guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
-the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
-smacked his lips with relish.
- "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
- "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
-a-comin'."
-%
- Love's Drug
-
-My love is like an iron wand
- That conks me on the head,
-My love is like the valium
- That I take before my bed,
-My love is like the pint of scotch
- That I drink when I be dry;
-And I shall love thee still, my dear,
- Until my wife is wise.
-%
- "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
- "What about X?"
- "I said `intellectual'."
- ;login, 9/1990
-%
- Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
-Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
-%
- "Mind if I smoke?"
- "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
-%
- "Mind if I smoke?"
- "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
-%
- Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
-the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
- Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
- -- Spike Milligan
-%
- Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
-approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
- "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
-to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
-All I have in the world is this gun."
-%
- Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
-Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
-company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
-defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
- The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
-plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
-cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
- -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
-%
- Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
-Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
-pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
-military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
-Esther and hustle them off to prison.
- They can't prove who they are because they've left their
-passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
-and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
-movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
-charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
- The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
-they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
-if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
-her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
-possible, and turns to Murray.
- "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
-spits in the sergeants face.
- "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
- My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
-Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
-We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
-Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
-6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
-6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
-was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
-and Knights of Pithiests.
- The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
-annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
-which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
-weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
- One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
-pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
-word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
-embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
-looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
- We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
-So we're going back in a few years...
- -- Julius H. Marx
-%
- "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
- "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
-%
- My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
-even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
-understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
-robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
-an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
-the alter of human limitations.
- I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
-in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
-the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
-threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
-stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
-earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
-Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
-earth really does revolve about the sun.
- -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
-%
- NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
-directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
-Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
-offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
-true value of the company.
- Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
-Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
-agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
-their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
-reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
-reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
-Nazareth.
-%
- "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
-simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
-hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
-really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
-expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
-those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
-can't."
- "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
- -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
-%
- Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
- He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
- "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
-"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
-born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
-program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
-stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
-a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
-times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
-*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
-program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
-the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
-stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
-hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
-"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
-%
- Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
-tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
- Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
-plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
-they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
-Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
-administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
-you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
-described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
-interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
-that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
- This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
-inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
-so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
-if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
-direct sunlight.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
- Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
-to be avoided than harped upon.
- Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
-reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
-just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
-about helping to postpone this reunion.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
-%
- "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
-of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
-urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
-put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
-confirm who I am.
- "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
- -- Captain Freedom
-%
- Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
-demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
-testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
-and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
-no attention to the signal.
- The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
-complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
-"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
- "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
-lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
-%
- On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
-receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
-income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
-$283 on the desk before the cashier.
- "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
-route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
- "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
-business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
-worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
-%
- On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
-around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
-grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
-almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
-found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
-desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
-staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
-Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
-sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
-being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
- "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
-wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
- With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
-dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
-normal person?"
-%
- On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
-There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
-is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
-non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
-several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
-best, write it down and make that the standard.
- The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
-from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
-committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
-with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
-something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
- So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
-then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
-it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
-after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
-committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
-it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
- -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
-%
- On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
-tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
-they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
-it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
-at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
-heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
-"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
- What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
-she looked like the side of a barn.
- I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
-had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
-and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
-when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
-to decide quickly. I decided.
- A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
-man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me
-faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
-me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
-good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
-the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
-a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
- -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
-%
- Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
-special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
-traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
-traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
-see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
-spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
-week, until it led them to a parking space.
- We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
-let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
-will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
-great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
-our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
-to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
-which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
-shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
-go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
-and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
- -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
- Skirmish"
-%
- Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
-crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
-and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
-resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
-said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
-let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
- The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
-you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
-die quicker than boredom!"
- But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
-once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
-as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
-bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
- And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
-a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
-to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
-Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
-Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
- But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
-rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
- -- Richard Bach
-%
- Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
-time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
-in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
-dolphins live forever!
- Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
-produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
-only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
-away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
-steal one of these birds.
- Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
-escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
-combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
-on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
- Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
-bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
-stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
-car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
-transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
-%
- Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
-through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
-on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
-frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
-I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
-a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
- "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
-help you break such a spell."
- "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
-taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
-the night under her pillow."
- The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
-pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
-enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
-royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
-her father and mother still don't believe her story.
-%
- Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
-One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
-biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
-until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
-of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
-with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
-accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
-snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
-"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
-simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
-fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
- Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
-boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
-plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
-heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
-went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
-his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
-was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
-the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
-he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
-his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
-%
- Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
-to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
-and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
-like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
-is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
-is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
-And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
-a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
-perception of the elephant.
- The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
-attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
-bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
-goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
-them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
-%
- Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
-in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
-who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
-and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
-win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
-way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
-each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
-not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
-in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
-they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
-treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
-thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
-answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
-%
- Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
-of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
-complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
-obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
- Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
-available to anyone.
- -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
-%
- One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
-a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
-to each cons."
- Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
-student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
-collector..."
-%
- One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
-an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
-went to speak with him.
- "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
-students inquired.
- "It is", Kyogen answered.
- "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
- "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
-%
- One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
-he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
-I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
-things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
-them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
-so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
-you."
- The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
-Kelly?"
- He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
-saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
-lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
- -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
-%
- One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
-and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
-people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
-stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
-wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
-"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
- Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
-meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
-happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
-again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
-one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
-losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
-could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
-and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
-what's more, he felt really good about himself.
- So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
-and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
-passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
- With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
-bus pass."
-%
- One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
-directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
- "Change course 10 degrees South."
- The reply was quickly flashed back...
- "You change course 10 degrees North."
- The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
-message.....
- "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
- Back came the reply...
- "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
- The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
-"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
- Back came the reply...
- "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
- -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
-%
- One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
-is our support for UNIX?
- Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
-Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
-VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
-easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
-users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
-And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
-good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
- It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
-out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
-up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
- With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
-check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
-what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
-you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
-is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
- -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
-[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
-Olsen's brain. Ed.]
-%
- page 46
-...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
-Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
-to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
-on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
-"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
-on placebo."
- page 56
-The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
-Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
-affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
-which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
-diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
-to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
-be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
-body functions.
- -- Norman Cousins,
- "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
-%
- Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
-town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
- During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
-stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
-Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
-a Tory!"
- A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
-loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
-husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
- A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
-Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
-never reveal our sauce."
- A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
-kept favoring curry.
- A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
-game. They had the volley of the Dills.
-%
- People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
-these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
-persuasion.
- "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
-misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
-swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
-respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
-enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
-the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
- A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
-version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
-"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
-able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
-call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
-youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
-%
- "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
-sounding a bit worried.
- "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
-is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
- "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
-said quickly.
- "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
-Cobb said, hopping out.
- -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
-%
- Phases of a Project:
-(1) Exultation.
-(2) Disenchantment.
-(3) Confusion.
-(4) Search for the Guilty.
-(5) Punishment for the Innocent.
-(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
-%
- Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
-snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
-reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
-We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
-But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
-If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
-well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
-everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
-know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
- -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
-%
- Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
-requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
-into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
-problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
-radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
-plumbing works.
- A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
-except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
-it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
-and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
-all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
-kill you.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
- Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
-the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
-ran like a gentle wind.
- Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
- "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
-follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
-would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
-longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
-My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
-free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
-writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
-coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
-and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
-program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
-eyes for a moment and then log off."
- Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
-universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
-know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
-spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
-starfield surrounding the ship.
- "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
-ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
-they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
-been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
-and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
-Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
- -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
-%
- Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
-Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
-and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
-every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
-getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
-me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
- Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
-to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
-No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
-maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
-the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
-whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
-possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
- On the Campaign Trail"
-%
- "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
-what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
-somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
- "He was going to suck my blood!"
- "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
-if they don't live our way."
-...
- "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
-happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
-ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
-Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
-his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
-decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
-through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
-in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
- "When you look at it that way..."
- "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
-Whatever. We want. To do."
- -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
-%
- Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
-uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
-rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
-algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
-of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
-claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
-differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
-largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
-he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
-well.
- -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
-%
- Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
-their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
-generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
-
- Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
-Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
-shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
- "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
-advertising men in charge of his campaign.
- "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
- "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
- -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
- SAFETY
-I can live without
-Someone I love
-But not without
-Someone I need.
-%
- Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
-"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
-them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
- "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
-Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
-That way you'll get it out of your system."
- Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
-inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
-time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
-several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
-yelled at him:
- "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
-Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
-barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
-Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
-at his head!"
- Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
-prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
-here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
-psychiatrist said. "Why?"
- "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
-hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
-%
- Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
-afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
-the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
-long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
-removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
-Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
-Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
-nice gesture you made today, George.
- "What do you mean?" asked George.
- "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
-respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
- "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
-know."
-%
- "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
-"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
-said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
- "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
- "Too proud?" the other enquired.
- Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
-she said, "that one can't help growing older."
- "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
-proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
- Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
- The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
-Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
-the odd integers are prime."
- The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
-sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
-experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
-prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
-is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
- The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
-"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
-see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
-well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
-does seem right."
- Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
-"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
-I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
-his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
-"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
-%
- She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
- I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
- -- Morrisey
-%
- "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
- "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
- "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
-paper boots."
- "What's he wanted for?"
- "Rustling."
-%
- Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
-Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
-automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
-in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
-He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
-published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
-had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
-provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
-Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
-every copy.
-%
- So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
-a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
-the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
-lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
-and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
-when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
-sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
-right straight toward us.
- Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
-were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
-We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
-a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
-calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
-a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
-the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
-had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
-and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
-until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
- "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
-want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
- "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
- "Friday, then?"
- "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
- -- Dating in Minnesota
-%
- Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
-haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
-A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
-the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
-stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
-may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
-Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
-theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
-butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
-disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
-per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
-when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
-the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
-People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
-much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
-Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
-by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
- And we always, always eat our vegetables.
- This is the Minneapple.
-%
- Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
-alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
-the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
-Tao of Programming.
- If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
-operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
-greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
-harmony in the world.
- The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
-morning.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
-on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
-Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
-employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
-farmers in America."
- -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
- "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
-Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
-intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
-women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
-good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
-Machineries of Joy?"
- "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
- -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
-%
- Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
- Half 1/2 bottle
- Bottle 750 milliliters
- Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
- Jeroboam 4 bottles
- Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
- Methuselah 8 bottles
- Salmanazar 12 bottles
- Balthazar 16 bottles
- Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
- Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
-
- The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
-largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
-to produce and they only made 8 of them.
- Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
-%
- Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
-these questions three, ere the other side he see!
-
- "What is your name?"
- "Sir Brian of Bell."
- "What is your quest?"
- "I seek the Holy Grail."
- "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
-to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
- "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
-%
- Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
-Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
-never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
-and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
-run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
-Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
-strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
-were doing was right, that we were winning...
- And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
-over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
-need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
--- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
-of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
-up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
-you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
-broke and rolled back.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
- "Surely you can't be serious."
- "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
-%
- Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
-to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
-beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
-drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
-nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
-and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
-was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
-improve ...
- -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
- "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
-they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
- -- e. e. cummings last service call
-%
- "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
-and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
-You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
-night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
-you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
-honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
-it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
-the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
-tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
-is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
- -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
-%
- The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
-for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
- It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
-has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
-curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
-foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
-sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
-dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
-people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
-is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
-%
- The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
-in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
-laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
-got a sense of humor?"
- "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
-%
- The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
-
-SPECIES: Cranial Males
-SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
-Courtship & Mating:
- Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
- state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
- awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
- chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
- a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
-Track:
- Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
- copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
-Comments:
- Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
-%
- The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
-
-SPECIES: Cranial Males
-SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
-Description:
- Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
- Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
- sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
- and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
- problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
-Feathering:
- HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
- Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
-Song:
- A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
-%
- The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
-
-SPECIES: Cranial Males
-SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
-Plumage:
- All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
- top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
- wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
- and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
- or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
- Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
- plastic digital watch with calculator.
-%
- The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
-inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
- "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
- In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
-he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
-Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
-a cup."
- The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
- "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
- Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
-chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
-mix-up. Nothing serious."
- Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
-mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
-coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
- -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
-%
- The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
-the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
-Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
-End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
-%
- "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
-
-On the good ship Enterprise
-Every week there's a new surprise
-Where the Romulans lurk
-And the Klingons often go berserk.
-
-Yes, the good ship Enterprise
-There's excitement anywhere it flies
-Where Tribbles play
-And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
-
- See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
- Mr. Spock is at his side.
- The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
- It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
-
-It's the good ship Enterprise
-Heading out where danger lies
-And you live in dread
-If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
- -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
-%
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
-the subject of towels.
- A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
-interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
-You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
-of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
-of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
-Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
-with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
-the subject of towels.
- Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
-some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
-with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
-toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
-the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
-a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
-hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
-win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
-reckoned with.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
- "The jig's up, Elman."
- "Which jig?"
- -- Jeff Elman
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
-
-Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
-Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
-language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
-and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
-spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
-ours."
-
-The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
-almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
-organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
-exist.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
-
-This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
-Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
-the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
-
-The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
-while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
-because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
-Perrier.
-
-Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
-and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
-case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
-message:
- "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
- you find the time to try it again?"
-%
- The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
-a position of negative need.
- He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
- He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
-liquid.
- He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
- He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
-prestige of His identity.
- It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
-ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
-sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
- Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
-into a pleasurific mood state.
- You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
-in the context of non-cooperative elements.
- You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
- My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
- It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
-empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
-target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
-tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
-time basis.
-%
- The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
-master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
-master's office while the master waited in silence.
- "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
-began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
-system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
-interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
-Is it not amazing?"
- The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
-said.
- "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
-everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
-to this?"
- "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
-data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
-pleased.
- Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
-programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
-you know where it might be?"
- "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
-in the data center."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
-emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
-have a quarter?"
- The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
- The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
-right! Can I have a dollar?"
-%
- The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
-change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
-is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
-students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
-ation.
- Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
-recognition of the sanctity of human life."
-
- According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
-1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
-"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
-farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
-
- Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
-Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
-probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
-
- It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
-logically experienced citizens."
-
- According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
-just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
- -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
-%
- "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
- "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
-feel interested.
- "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
-vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
-Aged Man.'"
- "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
-Alice corrected herself.
- "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
-called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
- "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
-time completely bewildered.
- "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
-"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
- The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
-You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
-old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
-grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
-bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
- -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
-%
- The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
-I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
- A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
-Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
-out on the water, round. Usurper.
- -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
-%
- The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
-get results.
- The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
-problems in order to get results
- The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
-toy problems in order to get results.
-%
- The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
-their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
- Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
-battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
-blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
- Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
- The answer exists only in the Tao.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- "The pyramid is opening!"
- "Which one?"
- "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
- -- The Firesign Theatre,
- "How Can You Be In Two Places At
- Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
-%
- The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
-forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
-their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
-to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
- Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
-on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
-got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
-hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
-most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
- "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
- The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
-suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
-through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
-and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
-one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
-%
- The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
-to the assembler.
- The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
-languages.
- Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
-expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
-the Tao.
- But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
- Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
-
-A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
-should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
-take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
-of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
-statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
-of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
-only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
-
- The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
- The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
- No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
- Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
-
- A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
-%
- The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
-programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
-is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
-would be no Tao.
- The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
-retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
-still has bugs.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- THE WOMBAT
-
-The wombat lives across the seas,
-Among the far Antipodes.
-He may exist on nuts and berries,
-Or then again, on missionaries;
-His distant habitat precludes
-Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
-But I would not engage the wombat
-In any form of mortal combat.
-%
- The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
-stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
-his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
-to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
-wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
-Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
-of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
-line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
-he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
-was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
-he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
-to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
-for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
-As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
-Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
-Dave!"
-%
- Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
-it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
-the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
-With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
-make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
-when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
-him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
-with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
-THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
-TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
-has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
-Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
- -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
-%
- Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
-with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
-sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
-his real problems.
- The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
-problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
-headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
-gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
- The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
-stand to live with.
- -- R. Geis
-%
- "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
-wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
-hard, to keep from falling.
- Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
-his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
-...
- "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
-are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
-heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
- -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
-%
- "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
- "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
- "I'll put `maybe.'"
- -- Bloom County
-%
- THEORY
-Into love and out again,
- Thus I went and thus I go.
-Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
- Well and bitterly I know
-All the songs were ever sung,
- All the words were ever said;
-Could it be, when I was young,
- Someone dropped me on my head?
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
- There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
-someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
-Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
-Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
-every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
-this?
- Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
-centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _\by_\bo_\bu
-can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
-forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
--- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
-even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
-why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
- There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
-sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
-that people cannot think.
- -- Richard W. Hamming
-%
- There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
-he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
- "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
-forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
- This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
-of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
-But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
- When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
-but nothing was to be found.
- On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
-guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
-better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
- On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
-curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
-in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
- The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
-A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
-programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
-master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
-appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
-understand the Tao before transcending structure."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
-day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
-of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
-change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
-whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
-%
- There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
-going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
-a man who answered one door.
- "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
- "Forty dollars."
- "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
- Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
-"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
-"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
-%
- There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
-you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
- "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
- "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
-they're carrying upstairs!"
-%
- There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
-three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
-each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
-can opener.
- A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
-cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
-pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
-and escaped.
- The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
-off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
-pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
- The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
-solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
-against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
- Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
- Proof: assume the opposite...
-%
- There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
-warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
-an accounting package or an operating system?"
- "An operating system," replied the programmer.
- The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
-accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
-system," he said.
- "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
-the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
-how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
-tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
-appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
-simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
-is easier to design."
- The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
-he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
- The programmer made no reply.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
-how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
-"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
-share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
-easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
- The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
-friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
-midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
-of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
-as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
-like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
- The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
-two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
-drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
-pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
-demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
-sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
- They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
-No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
-ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae
-was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
-beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
-things was itself the doing of them.
- To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
-so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
-greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
-and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
-sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
-of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
-spread only for demons or for gods."
- -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
-%
- This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
-explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
-use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
-and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
- We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
-pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
-we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
-making anything out of all the hard work.
- If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
-around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
-attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
-locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
- -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
-%
- Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
-rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
-than he does.
- As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
-it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
-sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
-consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
-being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
- The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
-do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
-honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
-be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
-relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
-Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
-This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
- from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
- and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
-%
- To A Quick Young Fox:
-Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
-Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
-Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
-Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
- -- Lazy Dog
-%
- To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
-wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
- The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
-food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
-promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
-eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
-Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
-pint of ice cream nearby.
- -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
-%
- Two men looked out from the prison bars,
- One saw mud--
- The other saw stars.
-
-Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
-While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
-in the head.
-%
- Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
-ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
-"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
- After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
-seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
-sing, "Some day my prints will come."
- A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
-an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
-bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
-son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
- A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
-and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
-was Carmen or Cohen.
- Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
-since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
-orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
-%
- "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
- "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
-food, right?"
- -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
-%
- "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
-strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
-crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
-There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
-a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
-salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
-square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
-soggy potato chips."
- "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
- "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
-"but I thought it made good copy."
- -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
- Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
-Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
-up to 340."
-
- On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
-stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
-to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
-
- A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
-finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
-are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
-work."
- -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
- WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
-
-Firings will continue until morale improves.
-%
- We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
-think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
-doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
-messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
-disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
-by law, up to and including nothing.
- This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
-packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
- We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
-lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
-attack shark at which point we relented.
- -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
-%
- "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
-and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
-trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
-in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
-predatory.
- The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
-at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
-Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
- -- William Burroughs
-%
- We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
-you are so tired.
- There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
- The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
-60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
-years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
- There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
-19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
-leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
-and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
-hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
- Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
-so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
-brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
-%
- "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
-you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
-psycho-prompter couch?"
- "Thank you, Red."
- "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
-your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
-pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
- "Yes, Red."
- "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
-repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
-at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
-your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
-two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
-projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
- "Yes, Red."
- "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
-been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
-explain the failure of your three marriages."
- "Well, I--"
- "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
-product."
- -- Jules Feiffer
-%
- Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
-of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
- Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
-only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
-able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
-undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
-inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
-All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
-became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
-not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
-meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
-all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
-all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
-destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
- Time passed, unheeded.
- Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
-Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
- -- Wayfarer
-%
- "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
-blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
-blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
-scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
-ripped off..."
- "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
-let him lie there all night."
- "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
-White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
-and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
-that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
- "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
-and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
-around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
-in the street, bleeding to death...'"
- "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
- "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
- "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
- -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
- ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
-%
- "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
-The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
-maim or kill innocent little children."
- "Oh, so you don't like it?"
- "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
- -- The Killing Joke
-%
- "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
-as follows."
- "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
-an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
- "It means the Thing to Do."
- "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
-%
- "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
- "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
-coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
- -- "Doctor Who"
-%
- "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
-had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
-Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
- -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
-
-The New Yorker's comment:
- At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
-%
- "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
- "Oh, is he very old then?"
- "No, we just don't like him."
- "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
- "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
-great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
-you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
-above the beak."
- "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
- "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
-pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
-of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
- -- Monty Python
-%
- "We've got a problem, HAL".
- "What kind of problem, Dave?"
- "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
-way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
- "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
-advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
- "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
-they're not selling."
- "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
- Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
-[...]
- "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
-I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
- "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
- "What kludge is that, Dave?"
- "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
- -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
-%
- "What are we going to do?"
- "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking
-for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
-short initiation period."
- -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
-%
- "What are you watching?"
- "I don't know."
- "Well, what's happening?"
- "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
-terrible."
- "Why are you watching it?"
- "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
-flow over you."
- -- The Big Chill
-%
- "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
-fantasies?"
- "You keep it to yourself."
- -- Broadcast News
-%
- "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
-asked her mother.
- "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
-%
- What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
-chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
-conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
-repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
-they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
-passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
-all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
-and they remain permanent influences on your life.
- Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
-as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
-less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
-men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
-more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
- -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
-%
- "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
- "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
-ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
- -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
-%
- "What's that thing?"
- "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
-computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
-it does. We call it a two-by-four."
- -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
-%
- "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
-assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his
-whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
-drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced
-another cheer and another round of drinks.
- As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
-onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
-the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
-%
- When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
-his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
-questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
-political views.
- "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
-driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
-'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
-closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
- "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
-moved farther to the left."
- -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
-%
- When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
-When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
-to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
-roll in.
- Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
- When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
-accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
-When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
-be solved.
- Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
- When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
-"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
-the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
- "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
-might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
-%
- When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
-that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
-hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
-to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
-but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
-seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
-invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
-sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
- Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
-It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
-Romania.
- -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
-%
- "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
-"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
- "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
- "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
-Piglet.
- Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
-%
- While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
-three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
-"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
- "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
- "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
-then. We're trying to catch her."
- "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
-carrying a bucket of sand?"
- "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
-%
- While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
-inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
- Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
-you burn, madam."
-%
- While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
-his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
- "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
-mean?"
- The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
-`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
-a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
-salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
-machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
-thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
-had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
-more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
-acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
-be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
-were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
-why the sea is salt."
- "I don't get you," said the assistant.
- -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
-%
- Why are you doing this to me?
- Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
-there is change.
- -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
-%
- Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
-vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
-unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
-the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
--- $40,000."
-%
- Work Hard.
- Rock Hard.
- Eat Hard.
- Sleep Hard.
- Grow Big.
- Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
- -- The Webb Wilder Credo
-%
- Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
-and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
-quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
-and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
-Chips, as well as after Chips?
-%
- "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
-mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
- "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
-bury it or else throw it into the brook."
- "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
-do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
-long, and two mouses wide."
- I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
-how it was used...
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
-%
- "Yo, Mike!"
- "Yeah, Gabe?"
- "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
- "I thought you fixed that last century!"
- "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
-program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
- "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
-there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
-There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
- -- Cold Fusion, 1989
-%
- "You are *so* lovely."
- "Yes."
- "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
-%
- "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
- "Sure. Whaddya got?"
- -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
-%
- "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
- "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
- "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
-was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
- -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
-%
- "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
-airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
-deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
-when I was young!"
- "Why, what did she tell you?"
- "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
- "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
-any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
-fit to hear his view of things?"
- "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
-you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
-imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
-if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
-potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
-and you may feel free to kick his ass."
- -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
- "You say there are two types of people?"
- "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
-don't."
- "Wrong. There are three groups:
- Those who separate people into three groups.
- Those who don't separate people into groups.
- Those who can't decide."
- "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
-two groups?"
- "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
- "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
- "Yeah."
- "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
- "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
-minds."
-%
- Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
-week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
-only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
-Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
-to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
- It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
-rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
-fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
-soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
-beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
-twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
-age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
-This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
- -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
-%
- Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
-electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
-kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
-problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
-the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
-outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
-to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
- Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
-means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
-that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
-caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
-possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
-actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
-signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
-cats on the dinette table, etc.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
- "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
- "We wound barbed wire around them."
- "That stop him?"
- "No, but it sure slowed him up."
-%
- Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a
-matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the
-will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a
-freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental
-predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure
-over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in
-a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years;
-people grow old by deserting their ideals.
-
- Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles
-the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the
-long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to
-dust.
-
- Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a
-love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and
-thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike
-appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life.
-
- You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young
-as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as
-old as your despair.
-
- In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station.
-So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur,
-courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so
-long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places
-of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of
-cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed!
- -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in
- The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood
-%
-" "
- -- Charlie Chaplin
-
-" "
- -- Harpo Marx
-
-" "
- -- Marcel Marceau
-%
- /\
- \\ \
- / \ \\ /
- / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
- \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
- / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
- / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
- \ \\
- \/
- -- Eurythmics
-%
- ___ ______
- /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
- \ \ \ / /\\
- \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
- _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
- // \__\/ / \ /\ \
- _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
- / / \ \ / / / /\
- __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
- / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
- /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
- \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
- \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
- \ \/ / \ \ \ \ /
- \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
- /__________/ \ \ /
- \ _____ \ /_____\/
- \ / /\ \ / \ \ \
- /____/ \ \ / \ \ \
- \ \ /___\/ \ \ \
- \____\/ \__\/
-%
- THE
- NORMAL
- LAW OF ERROR
- STANDS OUT IN THE
- EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
- AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
- GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
- PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
- GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
- IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
- IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
- IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
-INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
-
- -- W. J. Youden
-%
- ***
- *******
- *********
- ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
- *******
- ***
-%
-* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
-%
- It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
-primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
-of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
-arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
-completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
-once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
-subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
-man.
- -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
-%
- n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
- n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
- n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
- n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
- n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
-
- -- C code which reverses the bits in a word
-%
- n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
- n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
- n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
- n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
- n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
-
- -- C code which counts the bits in a word
-%
-=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-
-Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
-will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
-updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
-machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
-populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
-cold boot process.
-%
-=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-
-A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
-
-The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
-Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
-switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
-Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
-back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
-performance.
-%
-=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-
-Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
-this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
-order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
-please communicate them by one of the following paths:
-
- ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
- UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
- Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
- Wastebasket
- Room NE43-926
- Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
- For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
- operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
-
-* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
- responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
-%
-=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-
-CAR and CDR now return extra values.
-
-The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
-to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
-well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
-destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
-
- (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
-
-For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
-object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
-fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
-hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
-it cold boots the machine so often.
-%
-=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-
-Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
-INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
-LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
-done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
-Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
-
- (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
- ,LET)))
- `(LET ((LET ',LET))
- ,LET))
-
-This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
-3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
-This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
-Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
-confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
-%
-=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-
-JCL support as alternative to system menu.
-
-In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
-we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
-alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
-interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
-compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
-window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
-such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
-syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
-debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
-messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
-%
-=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-
-The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
-collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
-(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
-virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
-QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
-collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
-than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
-more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
-remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
-in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
-SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
-%
-=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-
-There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
- (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
- (PROG (V P LP)
- (SETQ P (LOCF V))
- L (SETQ LP LISTS)
- (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
- L1 (OR LP (GO L2))
- (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
- (%PUSH (CAAR LP))
- (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
- (SETQ LP (CDR LP))
- (GO L1)
- L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
- (SETQ LP (%POP))
- (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
- (GO L)))
-We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
-%
-**** CONVENTION REMINDER
-
-No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
-Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
-smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
-carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
-marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
-%
-**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
-
-For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
-Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
-to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
-beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
-they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
-Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
-not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
-all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
-great potential.
-%
- I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
- its situation.
- Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
- loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
- look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
- second per second takes over.
- II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
- intervenes suddenly.
- Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
- characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
- pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
- Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
- stooge's surcease.
-III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
- conforming to its perimeter.
- Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
- speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
- cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
- the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
- threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
- -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
-%
- 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
- 2. The Nutcracker Swede
- 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
- 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
- 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
- 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
- 7. Crisco Kringle
- 8. Babes in Boyland
- 9. Santa's Magic Lap
-10. Hot Buttered Elves
- -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
- Square"
-%
-... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
-have turned into a pile of dust.
-%
-... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
-was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
-were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
-a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
-Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
-and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
-that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
- -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
-%
--- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
--- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
- carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
--- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
--- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
- the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
--- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
-%
-=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
-
-To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
-course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
-offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
-afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
-to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
-there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
-%
-... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
-products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
- -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
- MIT Press, 1987
-%
-... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
-programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
-down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
-behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
-never when standing.
-
-Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
-know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
-know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
-hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
-electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
-An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
-the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
-touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
-astray by hunting and pecking.
- -- from the Programming Pearls column,
- by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
-%
-... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
-%
-... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
-courtesy detail.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
-inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
-ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
-haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
-it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
-prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
-looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
-is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
-mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
-may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
-have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
- -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
-%
-... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
-easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
-and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
-upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
-without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
-on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
-was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
-sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
-human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
-intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
-can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
-seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
-world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
-ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
-you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
-would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
- -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
-%
-... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
- -- Virginia Masters
-%
-... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
-objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
-public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
-public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
-parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
-are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
-the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
-other's private parts.
- -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
-%
-... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
-civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
-gain in 30 years.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
-%
-... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_\bd_\bi_\bd* quote anybody in this
-business, it probably would be gibberish.
- -- Thom McLeod
-%
-... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
-perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
-attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
-introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
-yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
- -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
-%
-<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
-%
-... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
-"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
-words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
-He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
-them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
-Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
-knows them in the naming.
- -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
-%
-/* Haley */
-
- (Haley's comment.)
-%
-"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
-supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
-actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
- Points in l'Amour"
-%
-... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
-the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
-asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
-
-Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
-erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
-Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
-Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
-valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
-in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
-as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
-time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
-of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
-space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
-validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
-extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
-or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
-%
-... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
-intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
-to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
-at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
-incalculable ...
- -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
-%
-... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
-smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
-not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
- -- Stephen Crane
-%
->>> Internal error in fortune program:
->>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
->>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
-%
-: is not an identifier
-%
-... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
-sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
-words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
-superficial design flaws.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
- on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
-%
-... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
-existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
-systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
-hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
- -- Sidney Hook
-%
-... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
-found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
- -- John 11:43-44
-%
-... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
-What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?
- -- Opus
-%
-... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
-legally ... impeccable!
-%
--- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
--- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
- to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
--- Neophyte's serendipity.
--- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
- diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
--- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
- of small, green bryophytic plant.
--- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
- of a lucrative nature.
--- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
- osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
-%
-** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
-%
-*** NEWS FLASH ***
-
-Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
-skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
-than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
-%
-*\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
- Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
- Details at eleven!
-%
-... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
-get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
-the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
-on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
-children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
-snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
-to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
-a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
-outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
-he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
-Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
-Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
-kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
-children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
-quickly.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
-with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
-shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
-advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
-shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
-them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
-lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
-their C programs.
- -- Robert Firth
-%
-... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
-Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
-thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
-somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
-on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
-a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
- -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
-%
-... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
-downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
-awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
- -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
- "The History of Manned Space Flight"
-%
--- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
--- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
--- Surveillance should precede saltation.
--- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
--- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
- lacteal fluid.
--- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
--- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
- canine with innovative maneuvers.
--- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
--- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
- galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
-%
-... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
-who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
-and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
-and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
- -- Voltarine de Cleyre
-%
-... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
-procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
-to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
-sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
-documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
-listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
-documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
-under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
-effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
-scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
-in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
-thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
-then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
-dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
-
-It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
-in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
-sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
-we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
-"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
-wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
-IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
-about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
-forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
-rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
-succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
-in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
-underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
-of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
-IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
-discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
-%
--- THE BATES MOTEL --
- ... convenient
- ... clean
- ... cozy
-
- Norman, knock loudly,
- I'm in the shower.
-
- M.
-%
-... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
-other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
-charity we can only call "inhuman."
- -- R. A. Lafferty
-%
--- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
--- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
- optimal cachinnation.
-%
-... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
-have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
-or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
-layers that are going to be agreed upon.
- -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
-%
-... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
-thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
-biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
-cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
-
- I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
-%
-... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
-million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
- -- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
-from beginning to end.
- -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
-%
- U X
-e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
-%
-* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
-%
- VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
- entrances; others cannot.
- This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
- it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
- trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
- space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
- follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
- of science.
-VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
- Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
- might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
- accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
- destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
- elongate, snap back, or solidify.
- IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
- This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
- the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
- watching it happen to a duck instead.
- X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
- Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
- -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
-%
-<< WAIT >>
-%
-... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
-observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
-years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
-descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
-do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
-flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
-things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
-established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
-to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
-cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
-into doubt.
- -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
- The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
-%
-... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
-has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
-%
-... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
-Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
-piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
-wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
-right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
-poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
-hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
-to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
-anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
- After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
-barely able to walk.
- "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
- "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
- Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
-"The good news first!"
- "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
- "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
-The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
-the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
-his life."
-%
-!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
-%
-1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
-2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
-3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
-
-QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
- -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
-%
-(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
- furniture, shelves, and showcases.
-(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
- Wash the windows once a week.
-(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
- coal for the day's business.
-(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
- individual taste.
-(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
- on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
- employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
- church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
- -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
- Works, 1872
-%
-1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
-%
-1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
-2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
-3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
-4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
-5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
-6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
-7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
-8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
-9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
-10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
- -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
-%
-(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
-(2) Great generals are forewarned.
-(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
-(4) Four is an even number.
-(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
-(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
- Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
-%
-(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
-(2) Great generals are forewarned.
-(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
-(4) Four is an even number.
-(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
-(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
- Therefore, all horses are black.
-%
-1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
-2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
-3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
-4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
- the social ramble ain't restful.
-5. Avoid running at all times.
-6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
- -- S. Paige, c. 1951
-%
-1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
-6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
-2 pints = 1 Cavort
-Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
-Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
-6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
-3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
-1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
-1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
-1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
-1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
-2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
-2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
-10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
-Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
-8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
-365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
-16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
-Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
- to 1 meter per second
-One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
-10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
-1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
-1 Word = 1 Millipicture
-1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
-1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
-10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
-10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
-The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
-%
-1 bulls, 3 cows.
-%
-1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
-you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
-3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
- -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
-%
-1: No code table for op: ++post
-%
-1) X=Y ; Given
-2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
-3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
-4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
-5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
-6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
-7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
- -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
-%
-10. Not everybody looks good naked.
- 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
- 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
- 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
- 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
- 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
- 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
- 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
- 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
- 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
- future generations.
- -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock"
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
- 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
- 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
- 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
- 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
- other beers on the side.
- 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of
- "Doberperson."
- 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
- folk music on yer fave radio station.
- 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
- 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
- toilet seat up.
- 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
- enormous can of vegetable juice.
-10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
-%
-100 buckets of bits on the bus
-100 buckets of bits
-Take one down, short it to ground
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
-
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
-FF buckets of bits
-Take one down, short it to ground
-FE buckets of bits on the bus
-
-ad infinitum...
-%
-$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
-which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
- -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
-%
-101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
- (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
- (2) Dead cat brush
- (3) Hair barrettes
- (4) Cleats
- (5) Self-piercing earrings
- (6) Fungus trellis
- (7) False eyelashes
- (8) Prosthetic dog claws
- .
- .
- .
- (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
- (100) Killer velcro
- (101) Currency
-%
-1/2 oz. gin
-1/2 oz. vodka
-1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
-3/4 oz. tequila
-1/2 oz. triple sec
-1/2 oz. orange juice
-3/4 oz. sour mix
-1/2 oz. cola
-shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
- Long Island Iced Tea
-%
-13. ... r-q1
-%
-17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
-
-------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
---- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
-------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
----O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
----X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
---- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
-
-Nine in the second place means:
- The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
-
-Six in the third place means:
- In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
- Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
-%
-1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
-the law!
-%
-17th Rule of Friendship:
-
-A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
-of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
-noncancellable.
- -- Esquire, May 1977
-%
-186,000 miles per second:
-It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
-%
-1893 The ideal brain tonic
-1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
- soda fountains
-1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
-1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
-1906 The drink of QUALITY
-1907 Good to the last drop
-1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
-1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
-1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
-1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
-1919 It satisfies thirst
-1919 The taste is the test
-1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
-1922 Thirst knows no season
-1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
- -- Coca-Cola slogans
-%
-1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
-1929 The high sign of refreshment
-1929 The pause that refreshes
-1930 It had to be good to get where it is
-1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
-1935 The pause that brings friends together
-1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
-1938 The best friend thirst ever had
-1939 Thirst stops here
-1942 It's the real thing
-1947 Have a Coke
-1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
-1963 Things go better with Coke
-1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
-1979 Have a Coke and a smile
-1982 Coke is it!
- -- Coca-Cola slogans
-%
-1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
-
-2nd graffitiest: Why?
-%
-2180, U.S. History question:
- What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
-office did he later hold?
-%
-3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
-process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
-traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
-ourselves in.
- -- Jordan K. Hubbard
-%
-$3,000,000
-%
-355/113 --
- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
-%
-3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
-and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
-that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
-adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
-tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
-
- [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
-%
-3rd Law of Computing:
- Anything that can go wr
-fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
-%
-40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
-%
-4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
-
-You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
-575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
-tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
-575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
-Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
-130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
-has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
-Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
- -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
-%
-(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
- purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
-(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
- office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
- and other good books.
-(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
- sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
- so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
-(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
- in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
- shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
- his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
-(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
- without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
- five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
- business permit it.
- -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
- Works, 1872
-%
-6 oz. orange juice
-1 oz. vodka
-1/2 oz. Galliano
- Harvey Wallbangers
-%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
- The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
- Redwood Forest.
-%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
- The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
- Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
-%
-90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
-The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
-%
-94% of the women in America are beautiful
-and the rest hang out around here.
-%
-99 blocks of crud on the disk,
-99 blocks of crud!
-You patch a bug, and dump it again:
-100 blocks of crud on the disk!
-
-100 blocks of crud on the disk,
-100 blocks of crud!
-You patch a bug, and dump it again:
-101 blocks of crud on the disk!
-%
-A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
-at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-%
-A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
- -- Carl Sandburg
-%
-A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
-%
-A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
-who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
- -- Don Quinn
-%
-A bachelor is an unaltared male.
-%
-A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
-and a boy for ever.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
-the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
-%
-A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
-ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
- -- Robert Frost
-%
-A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
-sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
- -- Kipling
-%
-A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-A beer delayed is a beer denied.
-%
-A beginning is the time for taking the
-most delicate care that balances are correct.
- -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
-%
-A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
- -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
-%
-A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
-A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
-A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
-A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
-%
-A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
-a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
-jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
-
-The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
- Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
-The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
- there's one white zebra."
-The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
- white on one side."
-The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
-%
-A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
-%
-A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
- -- Cervantes
-%
-A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
-%
-A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
-%
-A bit of talcum
-Is always walcum
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-A black cat crossing your path signifies
-that the animal is going somewhere.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
-best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
-serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
-schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
-work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
-not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
-elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
-stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
-supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
-professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
-academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
-and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
-resource centers along the roads.
- -- The Underground Grammarian
-%
-A bore is a man who talks so much about
-himself that you can't talk about yourself.
-%
-A bore is someone who persists in holding his
-own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
-%
-A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
-%
-A box without hinges, key, or lid,
-Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
- -- J. R. R. Tolkien
-%
-A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
-of turning around three times before lying down.
- -- Robert Benchley
-%
-A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
- -- John Steinbeck
-%
-A budget is just a method of worrying
-before you spend money, as well as afterward.
-%
-A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
-%
-A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
-%
-A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
-hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
-drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
-found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
-got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
-experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
- He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
-got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
-friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
- The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
-pole in a complex plane."
-%
-A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
-The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
-Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
-And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
- -- Robert W. Service
-%
-A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
-is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
-%
-A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
- -- Paul Valery
-%
-A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
-and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
-%
-A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
-to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
-and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
-examine him about his recent diet.
- "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
-the problem?"
- The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
-Tell me a bit about this missionary."
- "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
-walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
-him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
- "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
-the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
-%
-A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
-%
-A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
-on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
-and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
-with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
-until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
-and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
-spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
-%
-A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
-does not prove anything.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
-%
-A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
-Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
-%
-A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
-had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
-various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
-invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
-and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
-asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
-between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
-string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
-was enlightened.
-
-From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
-string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
-who passed it on to theirs.
-%
-A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
-time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
-evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
-the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
-the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
-much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
- Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
-The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
-after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
-to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
-silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
-go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
- Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
-the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
-%
-A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
-a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
-with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
-in as Mr. and Mrs.
- After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
-desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
-a bill for $2500.
- "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
-only three days."
- "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
-and a half."
-%
-A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
-%
-A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
-coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
-to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
-%
-A chronic disposition to inquiry
-deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
-%
-A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
-will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
-%
-A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
-won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
- -- Bill Vaughan
-%
-A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
- -- Herbert Prochnow
-%
-A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
-%
-A classic is something that everybody wants to have read
-and nobody wants to read.
- -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester,
- "The Disappearance of Literature"
-%
-A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
-%
-A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
-a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
-sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
-know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
- -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
-
-1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
- Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
- valuable scientific objectivity.
-
-2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
- Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
- gentleness and reassurance he can get.
-
-3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
- Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
-%
-A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
-
-4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
- You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
- the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
- disability you may have experienced.
-
-5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
- It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
- explained in terms that you would understand.
-
-6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
- Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
- research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
-%
-A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
-
-7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
- You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
- to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
-
-8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
- It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
-
-9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
- OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
- The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
- sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
-
-10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
- This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
-%
-A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
-as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
-dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
- -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
-%
-A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
- -- Milton Berle
-%
-A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
- -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
-scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
- -- Parkinson
-%
-A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
- -- R. Stallman
-%
-A company is known by the men it keeps.
-%
-A complex system that works is invariably
-found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
-%
-A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
- -- Victor Hugo
-%
-[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
- -- Joseph Campbell
-%
-A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
-with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
- -- Mitch Ratcliffe
-%
-A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
-the president one of the latest talking computers.
-Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
- and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
- speed of light?"
-Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
-Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
-Computer: George Washington.
-President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
- Where is my father?"
-Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
-President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
- years ago!"
-Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
- landed a twelve pound bass.
-%
-A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
-the computer science student has run in to.
-
-CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
- to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
- What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
- cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
- table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
- queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
- get the pointer value from there?
-Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
- make it point to the previous item.
-CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
- and structure elements must have unique names within that
- scope!
-Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
-
-And then the CS Student was enlightened.
-%
-A computer science student on an exam:
-
- According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
- a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
- information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
- news.
-%
-A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
-%
-A computer, to print out a fact,
-Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
- But this output can be
- No more than debris,
-If the input was short of exact.
- -- Gigo
-%
-A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
-cake without ketchup and mustard.
-%
-A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
-%
-A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
-do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-A CONS is an object which cares.
- -- Bernie Greenberg
-%
-A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-A conservative is a man
-who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
- -- Alfred E. Wiggam
-%
-A conservative is a man
-with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
- -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
-%
-A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
-is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
-%
-A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
- -- Dyer
-%
-A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
-damned things is ample.
- -- Rebecca West
-%
-A couch is as good as a chair.
-%
-A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
-beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
-one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
-like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
-Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
-his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
-Game Warden finally caught up to him.
- "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
-man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
-license.
- "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
-as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
- "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
-there, he don't have one!"
-%
-A cousin of mine once said about money,
-money is always there but the pockets change;
-it is not in the same pockets after a change,
-and that is all there is to say about money.
- -- Gertrude Stein
-%
-A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
-in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
-each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
-and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
-the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
- At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
-well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
-houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
-fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
-of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
-complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
-ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
-this central section.
- Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
-colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
-brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
-hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
-%
-A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
- -- Whitney Balliett
-%
-A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
-qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
-in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
-%
-A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
- -- Edgar A. Shoaff
-%
-A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
-%
-A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
-%
-A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
-%
-A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
-%
-A day without sunshine is like night.
-%
-A dead man cannot bite.
- -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
-%
-A debugged program is one for which you have
-not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
- -- Jerry Ogdin
-%
-A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
-Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
-their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
-society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
-domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
-is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
- -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
-%
-A Difficulty for Every Solution.
- -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
-%
-A diplomat is a man who can convince his
-wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
-%
-A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
-go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
- -- Samuel Clemens
-%
-A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
-in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
- -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
-%
-A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
- -- Robert Frost
-%
-A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
-your birthday when you never look any older?"
-%
-A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson
-%
-A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
-inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
-of her life?"
- She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
-the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
-condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
-%
-A diva who specializes in risqu'\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
-%
-A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
-some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
-that you only have six weeks to live."
- "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
-that?"
- "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
-last Monday."
-%
-A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
-waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
-lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
-courtesy," he explained.
-%
-A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
-what he meant.
- -- Wilson Mizner
-%
-A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
- -- Stanislaw Lem
-%
-A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
-a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
-a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
-an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
-%
-A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
-%
-A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
-should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
-she deserved.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein
-%
-A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
-1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
-the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
-"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
-cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
-the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
-with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
-%
-A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
-%
-A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
-m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
-alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
-running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
-m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
-takes off and disappears into the distance.
- The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
-the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
-sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
- "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
-me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
-dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
-So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
-have a drumstick."
- "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
- "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
-one yet."
-%
-A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
-He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
-to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
-should be masculine or feminine.
- After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
-Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
- "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
-them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
-went on their way rather quickly.
- He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
-belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
- The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
-asked.
- "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
-masculine."
- "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
- "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
-it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
-go!'"
-
- [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
- martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
-%
-A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
-%
-A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
-A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
-And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
-A baby-sitter I've never yet
-Baby-sits -- Had letters let
-But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
-
-A batter bats
-(Or scatters scats);
-A potting shed's for potting;
-But no one's found
-A bounder bound
-Or caught an otter otting.
- -- Ralph Lewin
-%
-A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
-waiting for a taxi.
- "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
- "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
-%
-A fool and his honey are soon parted.
-%
-A fool and his money are soon popular.
-%
-A fool must now and then be right by chance.
-%
-A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
-of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
-%
-A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
-superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
- -- D. Gries
-%
-A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
-%
-A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
- -- Ruth Weston
-%
-A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
-dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
- -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
-%
-A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson
-%
-A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
- -- Robert Benchley
-%
-A friend in need is a pest indeed.
-%
-A friend is a present you give yourself.
- -- Robert Louis Stevenson
-%
-A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
-You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
-lawyers more than he hates his wife.
-%
-A full belly makes a dull brain.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-
- [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
-%
-A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other
-people's demands.
-%
-A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
-%
-A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
-he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
-favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
-facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
-His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
-%
-A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
-that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
-assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
-They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
-each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
-the engineer:
-
-Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
-Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
- blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
- electrical shock to the horse.
-G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
-Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
- into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
- cannot be detected in post-race tests.
-G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
- I decide what to do. Physicist?
-
-Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
-%
-A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
-ducks.
- -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
-%
-A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
- -- Evan Esar
- [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
-%
-A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
-%
-A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
-A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
-But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_\bt_\bh_\ba_\bt _\bh_\ba_\bd _\bt_\bo _\bm_\be_\ba_\bn _\bs_\bo_\bm_\be_\bt_\bh_\bi_\bn_\bg*.
- -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
-%
-A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
- -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
-%
-A girl's best friend is her mutter.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
-a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
-%
-A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
-Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
-The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
-had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
-firm tuft of grass.
- -- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
-the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
-rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
-the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
-penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
-uncontrollable physical phenomena.
- -- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
- -- Michel de Montaigne
-%
-A good memory does not equal pale ink.
-%
-A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
-all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
- -- J. Hawes
-%
-A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
- -- Patton
-%
-A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
-one-way street.
- -- Doug Linder
-%
-A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
-into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
-hope of greening the landscape of idea.
- -- John Ciardi
-%
-A good reputation is more valuable than money.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-A good scapegoat is hard to find.
-%
-A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
-%
-A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
-gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
-then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
- -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
-%
-A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
-call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
-"That's dynamite, baby."
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
-you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
-you about yourself.
- -- Lisa Kirk
-%
-A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
-the table after you eat.
-%
-A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
- -- James Beard
-%
-A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
-to take it all away.
- -- Barry Goldwater
-%
-A grammarian's life is always intense.
-%
-A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-A great many people think they are thinking
-when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
- -- William James
-%
-A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
-man a century.
-%
-A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
-green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
-grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
-indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
-bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
-with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
-of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
-upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
-store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
-of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
-properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
-anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
-geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
- -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
-%
-A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
-are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
-not going to church on Sunday.
- -- Russell Baker
-%
-A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
- -- Carolyn Wells
-%
-A guy has to get fresh once in a while
-so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
-%
-A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
-%
-A halted retreat
-Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
-To retain people as men -- and maidservants
-Brings good fortune.
-%
-A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
-%
-A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
-%
-A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
-%
-A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
-weight in other people's patience.
- -- John Updike
-%
-A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
-
-If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
-a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
-photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
-you use?
-
- -- Paul Harvey
-%
-A Hen Brooding Kittens
- A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
-a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
-kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
-says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
-she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
-felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
-her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
- -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
-%
-A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
-%
-A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
-of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-A holding company is a thing where you hand
-an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
-%
-A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
- "Hello?" his friend answers.
- "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
- "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
-for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
-studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
-series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
-I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
- "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
-%
-A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
-%
-A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
-%
-A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
-Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
- -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
-%
-A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
- -- Don Marquis
-%
-A hypothetical paradox:
- What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
-who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
-Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
- -- Tom Galloway
-%
-A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
-C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
-E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
-G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
-I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
-K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
-M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui.
-O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
-Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
-S is for Susan who perished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits.
-U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
-W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
-Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
- -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
-%
-A is for Apple.
- -- Hester Pryne
-%
-A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
-B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
-C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
-D is for dd, the command that does all.
-E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
-F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
-G is for grep, a clever detective, while
-H is for halt, which may seem defective.
-I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
-J is for join, which nobody uses.
-K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
-L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
-M is for more, from which less was begot, and
-N is for nice, which it really is not.
-O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
-P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
-Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
-R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
-S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
-T is for true, which does very little.
-U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
-V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
-W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
-X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
-Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
-Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
- -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
-%
-A joint is just tea for two.
-%
-A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
-%
-A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
-Earthen vessels
-Simply handed in through the window.
-There is certainly no blame in this.
-%
-A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
- -- Robert Frost
-%
-A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
-good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
-%
-A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
-%
-A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
- -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
-%
-A king's castle is his home.
-%
-A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
-for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
-words are superfluous.
-%
-A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
-%
-A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
- -- Lillian Day
-%
-A lady with one of her ears applied
-To an open keyhole heard, inside,
-Two female gossips in converse free --
-The subject engaging them was she.
-"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
-That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
-As soon as no more of it she could hear
-The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
-"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
-"To hear my character lied about!"
- -- Gopete Sherany
-%
-A language that doesn't affect the way you
-think about programming is not worth knowing.
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-A language that doesn't have everything is
-actually easier to program in than some that do.
- -- Dennis M. Ritchie
-%
-A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
-That is, they work by being declared to work.
- -- Anatol Holt
-%
-A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
-Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
-him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
-quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
-above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
-"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
-where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
-So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
-flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
-"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
-silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
-to the flypaper with all the other flies.
-
-Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
- -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
-%
-A Law of Computer Programming:
- Make it possible for programmers to write in English
- and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
-%
-A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
- -- Robert Frost
-%
-A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
- -- Willis Player
-%
-A lie in time saves nine.
-%
-A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
-trouble.
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson
-%
-A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
-%
-A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
-%
-A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
-%
-A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-A limerick packs laughs anatomical
-Into space that is quite economical.
- But the good ones I've seen
- So seldom are clean,
-And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
-%
-A LISP programmer knows the value of
-everything, but the cost of nothing.
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
- -- Donald E. Knuth
-%
-A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
-%
-A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
- -- C. E. Ayres
-%
-A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
- -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924)
-%
-A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
-right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
-know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
-little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
-then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
-%
-A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
-have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
-those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
-the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
-APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
-with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
-%
-A little word of doubtful number,
-A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
-If you add an "s" to this,
-Great is the metamorphosis.
-Plural is plural now no more,
-And sweet what bitter was before.
-What am I?
-%
-A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
-%
-A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
-%
-A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
-Buy the negatives at any price.
-%
-A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
-%
-A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
-and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
- -- Lew Col
-%
-A major, with wonderful force,
-Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
- All the flowers looked round,
- But no horse could be found;
-So he just rhododendron, of course.
-%
-A man always remembers his first love with special
-tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
-that it's cheating.
- -- Yves Montand
-%
-A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
- -- Du Bois
-%
-A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
-By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
-was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
- "Is anybody there?"
-A deep majestic voice answered,
- "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
- "Help me!!" cried the man.
- "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
-you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
-The man thought for a moment and cried out:
- "Anybody ELSE up there?"
-%
-A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
-in the road.
- -- Alexander Smith
-%
-A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
- -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
-%
-A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
- -- Brendan Francis
-%
-A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
-man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
-whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
-water..."
- "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
-with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
- "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
- "They're only four dollars apiece."
- "I need *water*."
- "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
- "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
- "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
-and he heads off into the distance.
- The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
-Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
-sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
-staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
- "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
- "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
-%
-A man is known by the company he organizes.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
-He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
- -- Richard Thompson
-%
-A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
-bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
-%
-A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
-but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
-%
-A man may well bring a horse to the water,
-but he cannot make him drink with he will.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-A man of genius makes no mistakes.
-His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
- -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
-%
-A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
-%
-A man said to the Universe:
- "Sir, I exist!"
- "However," replied the Universe,
- "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
- -- Stephen Crane
-%
-A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
-some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
-he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
-might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
-her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
-her aid.
- Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
-by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
-in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
- "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
- "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
-just want to get my saddle back!"
-%
-A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
-he is able to answer.
- -- Ronald Colman
-%
-A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
-late card games.
- "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
-he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
-into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
-tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
-wakes up and gives me hell."
- "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
- "You do?"
- "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
-stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
-`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
- "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
- "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
-she's asleep."
-%
-A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
- "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
-why did you Di......eeee"
-The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
- "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
-carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
- "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
-why....eeeee did you.."
- "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
-Tell, me who is buried here?"
- "My wife's first husband."
-%
-A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
- -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
-%
-A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
-in no other way.
-%
-A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
-will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
-%
-A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
-%
-A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
-%
-A man with one watch knows what time it is.
-A man with two watches is never quite sure.
-%
-A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
-%
-A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
-destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
-turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
-would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
- -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
-%
-A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
-%
-A man's best friend is his dogma.
-%
-A man's gotta know his limitations.
- -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
-%
-A man's house is his castle.
- -- Sir Edward Coke
-%
-A man's house is his hassle.
-%
-A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
- "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
- "Why do I not see it for myself?"
- "Because you are thinking of yourself."
- "What about you: do you see it?"
- "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
-on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
- "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
- "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
-who is the one that wants to see it?"
-%
-A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
-observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
-they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
- The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
-yet save her!!"
- The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
-understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
-from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
-6 feet high."
- The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
-%
-A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
- -- P. Erdos
-%
-A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
-%
-A meeting is an event at which the
-minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
-%
-A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
-but to protect the writer.
- -- Dean Acheson
-%
-A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
-and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
- -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
-%
-A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
-on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
-game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
-pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
-along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
-heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
-around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
-direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
-paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
-colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
-fall over gently onto their backs.
- -- Audubon Society Magazine
-
-[From the BBC, 2001-02-02:
- For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
-monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx
-helicopters passed overhead.
- "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
-said team leader Dr. Richard Stone.
- "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
-calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
-with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
-really."
- The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
-(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on
-king penguins.]
-%
-A mighty creature is the germ,
-Though smaller than the pachyderm.
-His customary dwelling place
-Is deep within the human race.
-His childish pride he often pleases
-By giving people strange diseases.
-Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
-You probably contain a germ.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
-%
-A modem is a baudy house.
-%
-A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
-is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
- -- Goldsmith
-%
-A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
-floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
-its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
-terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
-Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
- Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
-children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
-and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
-proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
- As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
-you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
-purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
-language?"
-%
-A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
-and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
- -- Frost
-%
-A motion to adjourn is always in order.
-%
-A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
-%
-A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
-%
-A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
-%
-A musician, an artist, an architect:
- the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
- -- William Blake
-%
-A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
- -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
-%
-A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
-A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
-%
-A national debt, if it is not excessive,
-will be to us a national blessing.
- -- Alexander Hamilton
-%
-A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
-loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
-the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
-asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
-%
-A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
-discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
-still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
-same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
-3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
- The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
-ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
-%
-A new koan:
- If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
- If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
-It is an ice cream koan.
-%
-A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
-Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
-now has no excuse for further procrastination.
-%
-A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
-had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
-come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
-catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
-the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
-it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
-in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
- -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
-%
-A New Way of Taking Pills
- A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
-having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
-small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
-will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
- -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
-%
-A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
-rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
-%
-A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
- -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
-%
-A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
- -- Yogi Berra
-%
-A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
-"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
- -- Mahatma Gandhi
-%
-A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
-
-"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
-
-The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
-relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
-before replying.
-
-"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
-
-With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
-enlightenment, several years later.
-
-Commentary:
-
-His Master is kind,
-Answering his FAQ quickly,
-With thought and sarcasm.
-%
-A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
-%
-A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
- -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
-%
-A Parable of Modern Research:
-
- Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
-brightly lit corner.
- "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
- "I can only see here."
-%
-A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
- -- William S. Burroughs
-%
-A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
- -- Gloria Steinem
-%
-A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
-%
-A penny saved has not been spent.
-%
-A penny saved is a penny taxed.
-%
-A penny saved is ridiculous.
-%
-A penny saved kills your career in government.
-%
-A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
-govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
-on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
-itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
-manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
- -- Anatole France
-%
-A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
-%
-A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
-%
-A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
-A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
-%
-A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
-schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
- -- Donald E. Knuth
-%
-A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
- -- George Wald
-%
-A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
-gets out and goes into the office.
- "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
- "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
- The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
-check."
- Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
-truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
-acceptable.
- "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
- The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
-check," he says.
- He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
-conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
-"we're building a house".
-%
-A pig is a jolly companion,
-Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
-A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
-Though mountains may topple and tilt.
-When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
-When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
-Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
-You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
-You'll never go wrong with a pig!
- -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
-%
-A pipe gives a wise man time to think
-and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
-%
-A place for everything and everything in its place.
- -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to memory management system services.]
-%
-A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
- -- Stanley Baldwin
-%
-A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
-contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
-edible nutriments.
-%
-A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
-%
-A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
-%
-A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
-about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
-money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
-finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
- "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
- "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
-the teller says.
- "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
- "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
-to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
- "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
- "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
-paycheck?"
- -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
-%
-A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
-but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
- -- Jean-Paul Sartre
-%
-A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
-A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
-%
-A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
- -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
-%
-A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
-Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
-But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
- -- K. Brecher
-%
-A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
-last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
-of yours to press against my heart.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
-Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
-%
-A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
-
-And he answered:
-
-It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
-
-It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
-
-It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
-upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
-to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
-
-And that is Fate? said the priest.
-
-Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
-
-That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
-too.
- -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
- -- George Eliot
-%
-A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
-asks you not to kill him.
- -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
-%
-A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
-%
-A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
-being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
-incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
-assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
-and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
-dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
-annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
-unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
- -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
-%
-A programming language is low level
-when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
-%
-A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
-drink with -- even if he drank.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
-watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
-looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
-tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
-they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
-by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
-killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
-could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
-emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
-the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
-%
-A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
-by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
-your wife asks you for nothing.
- -- Joey Adams
-%
-A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
-your wife will give you for free.
-%
-A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
-too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
-was intended for her preservation.
- -- Colton
-%
-A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
-"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
-the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
-to make a travesty of the game.
- -- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
-blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
- -- Steel City News
-%
-A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
-entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
- -- Saul Alinsky
-%
-A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
-%
-A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
-his neighbor notice it.
- -- Trygve Lie
-%
-A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
-A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
-%
-A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
- -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
-%
-A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
-ticket and rejoices that the system works.
-%
-A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
-objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
-scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
-needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
-%
-A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
-help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
-out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
-pub!"
-%
-A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
-people what to do with their money.
- -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
-%
-A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
- -- Ramsey Clark
-%
-A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
-not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
-rosewater.
-%
-A robin redbreast in a cage
-Puts all Heaven in a rage.
- -- Blake
-%
-A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
-man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
- -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
-%
-A rolling stone gathers momentum.
-%
-A rolling stone gathers no moss.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
-demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
-holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
-Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
- -- Plutarch
-%
-A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
-weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
-banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
-The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
-the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
-is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
-monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
-plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
-weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
-the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
-was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
-will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
-as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
-was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
-when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
-%
-A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
-PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
-Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
-with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
-joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
-drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
-up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
-good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
-true. I'm very good in beds as well."
-%
-A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
-If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
- -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
-%
-A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
-%
-A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
-Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
- -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
-
-I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
- -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
- the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
- on Broadway".
-%
-A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
-vocation?"
- The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
-their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
-the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
-such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
-their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
-the vocation must fit the individual.
- "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
-scholar sobbed.
- Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
-%
-A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
-making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
-die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
- -- Max Planck
-%
-A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
-the vexation of thinking.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
-%
-A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
-of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
-water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
-of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
-
-It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
-recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
-ground.
- -- J. W. N. Sullivan
-%
-A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
-him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
-worth committing.
- -- Samuel Butler
-%
-A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
- -- Don Marquis
-%
-A Severe Strain on the Credulity
- As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
-highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
-is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
-multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
-for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
-flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
-charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
-Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
-know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
-better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
-lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
- -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
-%
-A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
-thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
-problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
-aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
-away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
-participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
-will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
-men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
-idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
-the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
-submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
-is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
- -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
-%
-A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
- -- Prof. Steiner
-%
-A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
- -- Joseph Stalin
-%
-A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
-All tenderly his messenger he chose;
-Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
-One perfect rose.
-
-I knew the language of the floweret;
-"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
-Love long has taken for his amulet
-One perfect rose.
-
-Why is it no one ever sent me yet
-One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
-Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
-One perfect rose.
- -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
-%
-A sinking ship gathers no moss.
- -- Donald Kaul
-%
-A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
-%
-A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
-%
-A snake lurks in the grass.
- -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
-African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
-Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
-%
-A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
-the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
-which is on its way out.
- -- L. Ron Hubbard
-%
-A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
- -- Proverbs 15:1
-%
-A soft drink turneth away company.
-%
-A song in time is worth a dime.
-%
-A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
-family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
-when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
-and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
- "How are you?" they ask.
- "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
- "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
- "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
-that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
-he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
-dollars."
- The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
-Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
-at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
-enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
-"Where's Old Blue?"
- "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
-talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
-well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
-that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
-years?'"
- The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
-%
-A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
-%
-A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
- -- Harry S. Truman
-%
-A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
-probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
-the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
-Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
-%
-A stitch in time saves nine.
-%
-A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
- -- O'Henry
-%
-A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
-bad measures.
- -- Daniel Webster
-%
-A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
-As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
-student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
-the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
-the student with a stick.
-%
-A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
-%
-A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
-undreamed of by its author.
- -- S. C. Johnson
-%
-A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
-thought of.
- -- Burt Bacharach
-%
-A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
-Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
-other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
-new versions of their own innards!
- -- Michael O'Brien
-%
-A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
- -- by Charles Dickens
-
- A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
-
-The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
- -- by Franz Kafka
-
- A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
-
-Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
- -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
-
- Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
-
-Hamlet LITE(tm)
- -- by William Shakespeare
-
- A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
- girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
-%
-A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
- -- by Charles Dickens
-
- A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
- like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
- lady who knits.
-
-Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
- -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
-
- A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
- feels guilty and apologizes.
-
-The Odyssey LITE(tm)
- -- by Homer
-
- After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
-%
-A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
-%
-A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
-%
-A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
- -- Michael Winner, British film director
-%
-A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
-of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
-*Boston*."
- "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
- "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
-help?"
-%
-A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
- -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H."
-%
-A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
- -- Diane Duane
-%
-A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
-and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-A transistor protected by a fast-acting
-fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
-%
-A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
-wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
-Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
-sitting in the yard watching the pig.
- "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
- "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
-was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
-pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
- "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
- "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
-the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
-That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
-Saved my life."
- "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
-three wooden legs?"
- The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
-got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
-%
-A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
-triangle.
-%
-A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
-drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
- -- Shaw
-%
-A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
-%
-A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
-%
-A truth that's told with bad intent
-Beats all the lies you can invent.
- -- William Blake
-%
-A university is what a college becomes
-when the faculty loses interest in students.
- -- John Ciardi
-%
-A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
- -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
-%
-A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
-Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
- She found a good way
- To combine work and play:
-She sells C shells by the seashore.
-%
-A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
-than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
- -- Tennessee Williams
-%
-A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
- -- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-A violent man will die a violent death.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
-%
-A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
-%
-A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
-%
-A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
- -- Ziggy
-%
-A watched clock never boils.
-%
-A well adjusted person is one who makes
-the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
-%
-A well-known friend is a treasure.
-%
-A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
-A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant.
-Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
-Software rots if not used.
-
-These are great mysteries.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-A wise man can see more from a mountain top
-than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
-%
-A wise man can see more from the bottom
-of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
-%
-A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-A witty saying proves nothing.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
-people's attention.
-%
-A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
-let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
-there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
-completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
-beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
-It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
-near your person at all times.
- -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
-%
-A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
-were quite a struggle.
- -- Edna Ferber
-%
-A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
-To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
- -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
-%
-A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
-of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
- -- Jane Austen
-%
-A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
-she follows.
- -- Chamfort
-%
-A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
-it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
-and stupid.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
-physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
-when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
- -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
-%
-A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
- -- Maurine Lewis
-%
-A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
-came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
- "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
- "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
-(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
- Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
-one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
-a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
-the circumstances.
- One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
-phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
-an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
-his head!"
- The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
-up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
-surprise for you!"
- "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
-%
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
- -- Gloria Steinem
-%
-A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
-%
-A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
- -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
-%
-A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
-%
-A word to the wise is enough.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
-that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
-watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
-myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
-and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
-"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
-to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
-%
-A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
-what he writes fiction.
- -- William Faulkner
-%
-A yawn is a silent shout.
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
-%
-A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
-bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
- -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
-%
-A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
-a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
-have that!" she gushed.
- "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
-window and grabbing the ring.
- A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
-I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
- "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
-the coat.
- Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
-anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
- "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
-%
-A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
-walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
-woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and
-says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
-allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
- The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
-pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
- "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
- "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
-I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
- The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
-calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
-at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
-can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
- "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
-of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
- The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
-The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
-you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
- "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
-terrific weekend."
-%
-A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
-
-Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
- suggestions as to how to get started?"
-A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
- some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
-Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
-A: "But I never asked anybody how."
-%
-AA\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
-You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
-%
-Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
-%
-Abbott's Admonitions:
- 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
- 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
- the question.
- -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
-%
-Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
-on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
-%
-Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
-Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
-And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
-Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
-An angel writing in a book of gold.
-Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
-And to the presence in the room he said,
-"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
-And with a look made of all sweet accord,
-Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
-"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
-Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
-But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
-Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
-The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
-It came again with a great wakening light,
-And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
-And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
- -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
-%
-About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
-%
-About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
-%
-About the only thing we have left that actually
-discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
-%
-About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
- -- Herbert Hoover
-%
-About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
-ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Above all else - sky.
-%
-Above all things, reverence yourself.
-%
-Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
-%
-Abscond, v.:
- To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
- and miss the return train.
-%
-Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
-great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
- -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
-%
-Absence in love is like water upon fire;
-a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
- -- Hannah More
-%
-Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
-it enkindles the great.
-%
-Absence makes the heart forget.
-%
-Absence makes the heart go wander.
-%
-Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
- -- Sextus Aurelius
-%
-Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
-%
-Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
-%
-Absent, adj.:
- Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
-slandered.
-%
-Absentee, n.:
- A person with an income who has had the forethought
- to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
- -- Stafford Beer
-%
-Abstainer, n.:
- A weak person who yields to the
- temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Abstract:
- This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
-of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
-and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
-men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
-their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
-evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
-test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
-performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
-immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
- -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
- Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
- #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
-%
-Absurdity, n.:
- A statement or belief manifestly
- inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
-because the stakes are so low.
- -- Wallace Sayre
-%
-Academicians care, that's who.
-%
-ACADEMY:
- A modern school where football is taught.
-INSTITUTE:
- An archaic school where football is not taught.
-%
-Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
-%
-Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
-%
-ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
- An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
-%
-Accident, n.:
- A condition in which presence of mind is good,
- but absence of body is better.
- -- Foolish Dictionary
-%
-Accidentally Shot
- Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
-in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
-bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
-Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
- -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
-%
-Accidents cause History.
-
-If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
-Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
-have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
-could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
-the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
-everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
-national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
-smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
-most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
-that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
-Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
-parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
-decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
-a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
-sheepish grin" comes from.
-%
-According to all the latest reports,
-there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
-%
-According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
-shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
-fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
-of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
-the returns."
-%
-According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
-and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
-and a void.
- -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
-%
-According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
- -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
-%
-According to the latest official figures,
-43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
-%
-According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
-dies.
-%
-According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
-America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
-Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
-beat up their city anytime.
- -- David Letterman
-%
-Accordion, n.:
- A bagpipe with pleats.
-%
-Accuracy, n.:
- The vice of being right.
-%
-Acid -- better living through chemistry.
-%
-Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
-%
-Acquaintance, n.:
- A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
- enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
- object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
-%
-Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
-and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
-well, I think of my sex life.
- -- Glenda Jackson
-%
-Actor Real Name
-
-Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
-Cary Grant Archibald Leach
-Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
-Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
-John Wayne Marion Morrison
-Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
-Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr.
-Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
-Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
-%
-Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
- everyone glued in their seats!"
-Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
- it!"
-%
-Actor: So what do you do for a living?
-Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
- dishes for Chinese restaurants.
- -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
-%
-Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
- -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
- "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
-%
-Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
-%
-Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
-will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
-
-N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
- only have one floor to go to.
-
-Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
- If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
- induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
- and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
- it is true for all N+1 floors.
-QED.
-%
-Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
-%
-ADA:
- Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
- Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
- an ADA awareness.
- -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
-%
-Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
-[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
- -- Ovid
-%
-Adding features does not necessarily increase
-functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
-%
-Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
-
-Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
-close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
-scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
- -- George Washington (1732-1799)
-%
-Adding sound to movies would be like
-putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
- -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925
-%
-Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
-something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
-decorous age.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Adler's Distinction:
- Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
- and from the bureaucrats.
-%
-Admiration, n.:
- Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Adolescence, n.:
- The stage between puberty and adultery.
-%
-Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
-like you ...
- -- Gilda Radner
-%
-Adore, v.:
- To venerate expectantly.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Adult, n.:
- One old enough to know better.
-%
-Adults die young.
-%
-Advancement in position.
-%
-Advertisements contain the only
-truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
-way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
- -- Sinclair Lewis
-%
-Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
- -- George Orwell
-%
-Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
-intelligence long enough to get money from it.
-%
-Advertising Rule:
- In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
- reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
- that it is curable.
-%
-Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
-%
-Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
-%
-Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
-then at least be aseptic.
-%
-African violet: Such worth is rare
-Apple blossom: Preference
-Bachelor's button: Celibacy
-Bay leaf: I change but in death
-Camellia: Reflected loveliness
-Chrysanthemum, red: I love
-Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
-Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
-Clover: Be mine
-Crocus: Abuse not
-Daffodil: Innocence
-Forget-me-not: True love
-Fuchsia: Fast
-Gardenia: Secret, untold love
-Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
-Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
-Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
-Leaves (dead): Melancholy
-Lilac: Youthful innocence
-Lily: Purity, sweetness
-Lily of the valley: Return of happiness
-Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
- * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
-%
-After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
-comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
-except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
-is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
-under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
-permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
-especially that which is prohibited.
- -- Newton Minow, 1985,
- Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
-%
-After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
-It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
-more advanced than the lichen family.
- -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
-%
-After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
-%
-After a while you learn the subtle difference
-Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
-And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
-And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
-And presents aren't promises
-And you begin to accept your defeats
-With your head up and your eyes open,
-With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
-And you learn to build all your roads
-On today because tomorrow's ground
-Is too uncertain. And futures have
-A way of falling down in midflight,
-After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
-So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
-For someone to bring you flowers.
-And you learn that you really can endure...
-That you really are strong,
-And you really do have worth
-And you learn and learn
-With every goodbye you learn.
- -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
-%
-After all, all he did was string together
-a lot of old, well-known quotations.
- -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
-%
-After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
-%
-After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
- -- Jean Giraudoux
-%
-After all my erstwhile dear,
-My no longer cherished,
-Need we say it was not love,
-Just because it perished?
- -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
-%
-After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
-you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
-sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
- -- P. J. O'Rourke
-%
-After an instrument has been assembled,
-extra components will be found on the bench.
-%
-After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
-month than you did before.
-%
-After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
-have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
-James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
-electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
-is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
-of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
-though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
-Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
-medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
-seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
-watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
-that it sinks like a stone.
- -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
-claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
-in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
-bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
-judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
- When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
-Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
-this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
-take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
-perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
- "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
-Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
-where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
-%
-After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
-the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
-cost to others, to win advancement.
- -- Norman Thomas
-%
-After living in New York, you trust nobody,
-but you believe everything. Just in case.
-%
-...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
-Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
-I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
-and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
-Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
-did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
-development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
-one foot in his mouth.)
- -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
-%
-After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
- -- Italian proverb
-%
-After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
-by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
-with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
-carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
- -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
-%
-After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
-cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
-%
-After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
-throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
-Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
-at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
-his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
-with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
-that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
-Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
-first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
-single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
-According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
-the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
-charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
- -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
-
-Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
-precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
-Nobel Prize in 1923.
-%
-After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
-the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
-the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
-any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
-deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
-
-The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
-Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
-But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
-or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
-burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
-neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
-oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
-
-Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
-straight to the point.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
-%
-After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
-indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
-%
-After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
-%
-Afternoon, n.:
- That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
-morning.
-%
-Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
-%
-Against Idleness and Mischief
-
-How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
-Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
-And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
-From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
-
-In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
-I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
-For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
-For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
- -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
-%
-Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
- -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
-%
-Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
-%
-Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Age is a tyrant who forbids,
-at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
-%
-Age, n.:
- That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
- still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the
- enterprise to commit.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Agnes' Law:
- Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
-%
-Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
-%
-Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
-Or what's a heaven for ?
- -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
-%
-Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
-there's the rub.
-
-For all dreams are not equal,
-some exit to nightmare
-most end with the dreamer
-
-But at least one must be lived ... and died.
-%
-Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
-"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
-And I answer them most mysteriously:
-"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
- -- Bob Dylan
-%
-Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
-%
-Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
-%
-Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
-%
-"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
-Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
-that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
-unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
-up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
- -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
-%
-Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
-%
-Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
-excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
-%
-Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
- -- W. Clement Stone
-%
-Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
- -- The Mad Dogtender
-%
-Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
-bring me a message from a young man.
- -- Moms Mabley
-%
-Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
-Kansas City.
- -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
- been traded
-%
-Air Force Inertia Axiom:
- Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
-%
-Air is water with holes in it.
-%
-Air, n.:
- A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
- the fattening of the poor.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
-%
-Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
- -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
- Ecole Superieure de Guerre
-%
-Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
- -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
-%
-Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
-machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
-as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
-%
-Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
- -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
-%
-ALASKA:
- A prelude to "No."
-%
-Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
-or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
-a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
-Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
- -- Tom Robbins
-%
-Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
-telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
-York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
-And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
-receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
-%
-ALBRECHT'S LAW:
- Social innovations tend to the level
- of minimum tolerable well-being.
-%
-Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
-The surest poison is time.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
-%
-Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Alden's Laws:
- (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
- of pregnancy.
- (2) Always be backlit.
- (3) Sit down whenever possible.
-%
-Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
-Aleph-null bottles of beer,
- You take one down, and pass it around,
-Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
-%
-Alex Haley was adopted!
-%
-Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
-in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
-%
-Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
-the closest our country has ever been to being even.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
- -- Philippe Schnoebelen
-%
-Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
-important programming language yet developed.
- -- T. Cheatham
-%
-ALGORITHM:
- Trendy dance for hip programmers.
-%
-Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
-%
-Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
-them keeps paying for it.
- -- Peggy Joyce
-%
-Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
- -- Arthur Baer
-%
-Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
- -- Norman Mailer
-%
-Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
-%
-Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
-%
-Alive without breath,
-As cold as death;
-Never thirsty, ever drinking,
-All in mail ever clinking.
-%
-All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
-%
-All art is but imitation of nature.
- -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-%
-All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
- -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
- Catiline", by Sallust
-%
-All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
-than others.
- -- Alan Truscott
-%
-All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-All constants are variables.
-%
-All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
- -- Chou En Lai
-%
-All extremists should be taken out and shot.
-%
-All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
-without thinking.
-%
-All flesh is grass.
- -- Isaiah 40:6
-Smoke a friend today.
-%
-All generalizations are false, including this one.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
-barely presentable.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-All Gods were immortal.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
-%
-All great discoveries are made by mistake.
- -- Young
-%
-All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
-%
-All heiresses are beautiful.
- -- John Dryden
-%
-All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
-to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
- -- Yoda
-%
-All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
- -- Dante Alighieri
-%
-All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
-%
-All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
-importance.
-%
-All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
-ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
- -- Kingfish
-%
-All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
-makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
-an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
- -- Samuel Beckett
-%
-All I need to have a good time,
-Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
-With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
-A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
-
-All I want is to never grow old,
-I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
-I want 97 kilos already rolled,
-I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
-
-I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
-I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
-I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
-I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
- -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
-%
-All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
- -- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-All intelligent species own cats.
-%
-All is fear in love and war.
-%
-All is well that ends well.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
-throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
-practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
-Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
-that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
-that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
-%
-All kings is mostly rapscallions.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-All laws are simulations of reality.
- -- John C. Lilly
-%
-All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
- -- Richard Dawkins
-%
-All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
-Socrates.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-All men have the right to wait in line.
-%
-All men know the utility of useful things;
-but they do not know the utility of futility.
- -- Chuang Tzu
-%
-All men profess honesty as long as they can.
-To believe all men honest would be folly.
-To believe none so is something worse.
- -- John Quincy Adams
-%
-All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
-a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
-Definitely a dog.
-%
-All most people ask of life is a constant
-and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
-%
-All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
-%
-All my friends and I are crazy.
-That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
-%
-All my friends are getting married,
-Yes, they're all growing old,
-They're all staying home on the weekend,
-They're all doing what they're told.
-%
-All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
- -- Jane Wagner
-%
-ALL NEW:
- Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
-%
-All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
-the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
-%
-All of the animals except man know that
-the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
-%
-All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
-synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
-rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
-of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"
-%
-All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
-Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
-tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
-"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
- -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
-%
-All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
-the United States.
- -- Vic Gold
-%
-All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
-parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
-can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
-not use a hammer.
- -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
-%
-All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-All phone calls are obscene.
- -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
-%
-All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
- -- Susan Sontag
-%
-All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
-%
-All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
-those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
-of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
-goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
-and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
-the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
-the last bug."
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
-%
-All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
-%
-All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
-to live beyond its income.
- -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
-%
-All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
- -- Ernest Rutherford
-%
-All seems condemned in the long run
-to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
- -- James Martin
-%
-All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
- -- Saint Patrick
-%
-All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
-%
-All that glitters has a high refractive index.
-%
-All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
-%
-All that is gold does not glitter,
-Not all those who wander are lost;
-The old that is strong does not wither,
-Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
-From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
-A light from the shadows shall spring;
-Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
-The crownless again shall be king.
- -- J. R. R. Tolkien
-%
-All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
-too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
-subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
-can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
-Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
-decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
-if it rains?"
- -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
-%
-All the evidence concerning the universe
-has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
-%
-All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
-It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
-With all the words gone, They all had their day
-What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
-
-But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
-And all the lines read, So small and so tender
-There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
-And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
-
-It reminds me of days of So what is this line
-Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
-It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
-And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
-
-I've read all the greats
-Both starving and fat,
-But none was as great as
-"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
- -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
-%
-All the men on my staff can type.
- -- Bella Abzug
-%
-...all the modern inconveniences...
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
-ridiculous ones.
- -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
-%
-All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
- -- Grant Wood
-%
-All the simple programs have been written.
-%
-All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
-the government in less than a second.
- -- Jim Fiebig
-%
-All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
-%
-All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
- -- Sean O'Casey
-%
-All the world's a VAX,
-And all the coders merely butchers;
-They have their exits and their entrails;
-And one int in his time plays many widths,
-His sizeof being _\bN bytes. At first the infant,
-Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
-And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
-And shining morning face, creeping like slug
-Unwillingly to school.
- -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
-%
-All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
-and all theoretical chemists know it.
- -- Richard P. Feynman
-%
-All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
-%
-All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
-%
-All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
-%
-All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
-it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
- -- Henry Tyroon
-%
-All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
-%
-All warranty and guarantee clauses
-become null and void upon payment of invoice.
-%
-All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
-infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
-which he was born.
- -- Francois Fenelon
-%
-All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
-other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
-This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
-our lives."
- -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
-%
-All who joy would win Must share it --
-Happiness was born a twin.
- -- Lord Byron
-%
-All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
-%
-All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
-upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
-visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
-informing, stimulating and ennobling.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Allen's Axiom:
- When all else fails, read the instructions.
-%
-Alliance, n.:
- In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
- their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
- cannot separately plunder a third.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-All's well that ends.
-%
-Almost anything derogatory you could say
-about today's software design would be accurate.
- -- K. E. Iverson
-%
-Alone, adj.:
- In bad company.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
-to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
-%
-alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
-ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
-baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
-Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
-baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
-beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
- found in baas.
-caaa, n: An automobile.
-centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
- someone involved with the Knicks.)
-chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
-dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
- computation.
- -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
-%
-Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
-Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
-buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
-Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
-reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
- "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
-bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
-"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
- -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
-%
-Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
-%
-Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
-mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
-any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
-to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
-Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
-serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
-same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
-that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
-penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
-running the post office.
- -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
-reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
-life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
-minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
-apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
-of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
-through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
-those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
-reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
-Gamekeeping."
- -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
-%
-Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
-%
-Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
-%
-Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
-%
-Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
- -- Jimmy Hoffa
-%
-Always store beer in a dark place.
-%
-Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
- -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
-%
-Always there remain portions of our heart
-into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
-%
-Always think of something new; this
-helps you forget your last rotten idea.
- -- Seth Frankel
-%
-Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
-that way.
-%
-Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
-%
-AMAZING BUT TRUE...
- If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
- end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
-%
-AMAZING BUT TRUE...
- There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
- were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
-%
-Ambidextrous, adj.:
- Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-AMBIGUITY:
- Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
-%
-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
- -- Charlie McCarthy
-%
-Ambition, n.:
- An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
- living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-America: born free and taxed to death.
-%
-America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
- -- Allen Ginsberg
-%
-America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
-and the scum rises to the top.
- -- Utah Phillips
-%
-America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
- -- President John F. Kennedy
-
-The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
-be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
-living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
-Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson
-
-The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
-from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
-to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
-Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
-of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
-by the majority they were at the time.
- -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
-%
-America is the country where you buy a lifetime
-supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
-%
-America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
-from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
- -- John O'Hara
-%
-America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
-people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
-name to "America".
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
-%
-American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
-employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
-employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
-between the men's room and the women's room without having little
-pictures on the doors.
- -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
-%
-American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
-%
-American cars are made shoddily...
-Cars made overseas are far superior.
- -- Barry Goldwater
-%
-[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
-we allow them short of hanging.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-
-America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
-tail it knocks over a chair.
- -- Arnold Toynbee
-
-The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
-everybody and still nobody likes him.
- -- Jim Samuels
-%
-Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
-%
-Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
-to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
- -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
-%
-America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
-%
-Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
-%
-AMOEBIT:
- Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
- and divide at the same time.
-%
-Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
- -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407)
-%
-Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
-%
-An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
- -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
-%
-An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
- -- Marlon Brando
-%
-An Ada exception is when a routine gets
-in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty."
-%
-An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
-%
-An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
-people refuse to see it.
- -- James Michener, "Space"
-%
-An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
-his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
-asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
- Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
-%
-An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
- -- Dylan Thomas
-%
-An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
- -- Donald E. Knuth
-%
-An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
-to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
- -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
-%
-An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
-to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
-and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
- -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
- language.
-%
-An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
- -- A Chinese child
-%
-An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
-winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
-over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
-open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
-let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
- "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
-do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
-Bohr chuckled.
- "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
-scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
-that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
-%
-An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
-about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
-
-American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
- get to work?"
-Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
- transportation everywhere."
-A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
-R: "We take the train."
-A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
-R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
-A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
-R: "We take tanks."
-%
-An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
-the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
-%
-An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
-Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
-new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
- -- David Letterman
-%
-An aphorism is never exactly true;
-it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
- -- Karl Kraus
-%
-An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
-him last.
- -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
-%
-An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
-%
-An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
-%
-An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
-%
-An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
-%
-An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
- -- Isaac Asimov
-%
-An attachment a la Plato
-for a bashful young potato
-or a, not too French, french bean
-must excite your languid spleen.
-For, if you walk down Picadilly
-with a poppy or lily
-in your medieval hand,
-every one will say,
-as you walk your flowery way;
-"If this young man is content,
-with a vegetable love
-which would certainly not content me.
-Why, what a very pure young man
-this pure young man must be!"
- -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
- [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
-%
-An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
-murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
-mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
-Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
-suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
-murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
-%
-An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
-really care to know.
-%
-An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
-%
-An economist is a man who would marry
-Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
-%
-An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson
-%
-An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
-%
-An efficient and a successful administration manifests
-itself equally in small as in great matters.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
-in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
- -- Homer Ferguson
-%
-An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
-when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
-several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
-despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
-usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
- "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
-barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
-I've already paid them half of it."
- "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
-euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
-%
-An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
-%
-An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
-anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
-already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
-engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
-the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
-has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
-mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
-was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
-humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
-trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
-%
-An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
-%
-An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
-summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
-arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
-responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
-%
-An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
- -- A. P. Herbert
-%
-An evil mind is a great comfort.
-%
-An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
-a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
-only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
-Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
-incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
-excellence:
-
-"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
-discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
-to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
-things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
-parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
-timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
-doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
-Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
-school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
-successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
-they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
- -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
-An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
-%
-...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
-picturesque liar.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
-very narrow field.
- -- Niels Bohr
-%
-An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
-as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
- -- Benjamin Stolberg
-%
-An expert is one who knows more and more about less
-and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
-%
-An eye in a blue face
-Saw an eye in a green face.
-"That eye is like this eye"
-Said the first eye,
-"But in low place,
-Not in high place."
-%
-An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
-Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
-A manly man, to be a wizard able;
-Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
-His console, when he typed, a man might hear
-Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
-Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
-Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
-The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
-As old and strict he tended to ignore;
-He let go by the things of yesterday
-And took the modern world's more spacious way.
-He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
-Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
-And that a hacker underworked is a mere
-Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
-That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
-That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
-And I agreed and said his views were sound;
-Was he to study till his head wend round
-Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
-As Andy bade and till the very soil?
-Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
-Let Andy have his labor to himself!
- -- Chaucer
- [well, almost. Ed.]
-%
-An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
- -- Simon Cameron
-
-There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
-bought they stay bought.
- -- Bill Moyers
-%
-An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
-eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
-possible.
- -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
-%
-An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
-%
-An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
- -- Henry Ford
-%
-An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
-%
-An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
-is to allow oneself to be devoured.
- -- Konrad Adenauer
-%
-An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
- -- Albert Camus
-%
-An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
-each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
-function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
-by the corresponding row and column labels.
- -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
- "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
-%
-An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
-great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
-a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
-have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
-hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
-of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
- "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
-"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
- A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
-strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
- One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
-man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
- "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
- "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
-funeral."
-%
-An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
- -- Don Marquis
-%
-An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
-A pessimist is a married optimist.
-%
-An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
-%
-An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
- -- Michael Korda
-%
-An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
- -- Spanish proverb
-%
-An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
-%
-Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
-government at all.
-%
-And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
-was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
-Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
-That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
-I've worried and worried and worried away.
-Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
-I've worried about it with all of my heart.
-
-"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
-the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
-UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
-nothing is going to get better - it's not.
-So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
-"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
-
-"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
-And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
-Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
-Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
-Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
-Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
- -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
-%
-And as we stand on the edge of darkness
-Let our chant fill the void
-That others may know
-
- In the land of the night
- The ship of the sun
- Is drawn by
- The grateful dead.
- -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
-%
-And did those feet, in ancient times,
-Walk upon England's mountains green?
-And was the Holy Lamb of God
-In England's pleasant pastures seen?
-And did the Countenance Divine
-Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
-And was Jerusalem builded here
-Among these dark satanic mills?
-
-Bring me my bow of burning gold!
-Bring me my arrows of desire!
-Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
-Bring me my chariot of fire!
-I shall not cease from mental fight,
-Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
-Till we have built Jerusalem
-In England's green and pleasant land.
- -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
-%
-And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
-%
-And ever has it been known that
-love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
- -- Kahlil Gibran
-%
-And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
-"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
-to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
-greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
-spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
-he shouted out, "YOPP!"
- And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
-Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
-They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
-I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
-whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
- "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
-on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
-them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
-the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
-them. No matter how small-ish!"
- -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
-%
-And here I wait so patiently
-Waiting to find out what price
-You have to pay to get out of
-Going thru all of these things twice
- -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
-%
-And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
-%
-And I heard Jeff exclaim,
-As they strolled out of sight,
-"Merry Christmas to all --
-You take credit cards, right?"
- -- "Outsiders" comic
-%
-And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
-ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
-little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
-them, aren't braced against them.
- -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
-%
-And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
-My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
-Addams -- he was good for nothing."
- -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
-%
-And if California slides into the ocean,
-Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
-I predict this motel will be standing,
-Until I've paid my bill.
- -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
-%
-And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
-"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
-%
-And if you wonder,
-What I am doing,
-As I am heading for the sink.
-I am spitting out all the bitterness,
-Along with half of my last drink.
-%
-And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
-Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
- -- Joan Baez
-%
-And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
-what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
- -- David Jones
-%
-And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
- -- A. E. Housman
-%
-And miles to go before I sleep.
-%
-And now for something completely the same.
-%
-And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
-And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
-The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
-And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
-
-We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
-The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
-But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
-Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
-
-Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
-And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
-Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
-We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
-
-Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
-We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
-Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
-You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
- hand...
-%
-And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
-%
-And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
-%
-And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
-your own.
- -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
- Preposterous Words
-%
-...and report cards I was always afraid to show
-Mama'd come to school
-and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
-Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
-Got a good head if he'd apply it
-but you know yourself
-it's always somewhere else
-I'd build me a castle
-with dragons and kings
-and I'd ride off with them
-As I stood by my window
-and looked out on those
-Brooklyn roads
- -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
-%
-And so it was, later,
-As the miller told his tale,
-That her face, at first just ghostly,
-Turned a whiter shade of pale.
- -- Procol Harum
-%
-And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
-fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
-looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
-approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
-is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
-of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
-gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
-procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
-youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
-Orson Welles.
- -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
-%
-And that's the way it is...
- -- Walter Cronkite
-%
-And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
-turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
-the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
-clothes! He is naked!"
- -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
-%
-And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
-black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
-penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
-white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
-growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
- -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
-%
-And the silence came surging softly backwards
-When the plunging hooves were gone...
- -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
-%
-And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
-with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
-%
-And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
-rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
-which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
-in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
- -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
-%
-And this is good old Boston,
-The home of the bean and the cod,
-Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
-And the Cabots talk only to God.
-%
-And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
- -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
-%
-And we heard him exclaim
-As he started to roam:
-"I'm a hologram, kids,
-please don't try this at home!'"
- -- Bob Violence
-%
-And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
-ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
-Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
-economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
-give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
-of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
-exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
-and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
-without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
-afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
-loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
-engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
-shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
- -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
-%
-And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
- She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
- Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
- All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
- -- The Grateful Dead
-%
-And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
-have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
-the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
-loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
-in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
-license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
- -- Charles Dickens
-%
-And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
-sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
-and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
-face, we have politics.
- -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
- "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
-%
-And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
-because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
-%
-"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
-you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
-and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
-he, earnestly.
- -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
-%
-Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
-Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _\bn_\be_\be_\bd_\bs heroes.
- -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
-%
-Andrea's Admonition:
- Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
- If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
- it isn't and he can.
-%
-ANDROPHOBIA:
- Fear of men.
-%
-Angels we have heard on High
-Tell us to go out and Buy.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Anger is momentary madness.
- -- Horace
-%
-Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
-%
-Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
-Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Ankh if you love Isis.
-%
-Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
-
-Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
-
-Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
-just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
-cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
-at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
-think you can, and that's the point, right?)
-%
-Anoint, v.:
- To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
- slippery.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Another day, another dollar.
- -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
- upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
- Reagan.
-%
-Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build
-and nobody wants to do maintenance.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus"
-%
-Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
-%
-Another megabytes the dust.
-%
-Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
-television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
-and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
-offers whiter teeth *_\ba_\bn_\bd* fresher breath.
- -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
-%
-Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
- -- Pyrrhus
-%
-Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
- -- Proverbs 26:5
-%
-Anthony's Law of Force:
- Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
-%
-Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
- Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
- corner of the workshop.
-
-Corollary:
- On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
- your toes.
-%
-Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
-Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
-%
-Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
-%
-Antonio Antonio
-Was tired of living alonio
-He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
-Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio
-Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
- In a bowery shade,
- Sitting and knitting alonio.
-Antonio Antonio
-Said if you will be my ownio
-I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio
-And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
-An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
- You singular fish
- Is that you will quickly begonio.
-Antonio Antonio
-Uttered a dismal moanio
-And went off and hid
-Or I'm told that he did
-In the Antarctical Zonio.
-%
-Antonym, n.:
- The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
-%
-Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
-[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
-Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
-cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
-Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
-them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
- -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
- cars across Europe.
-%
-Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
-which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
-%
-Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
- -- Charles McCabe
-%
-Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
-mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
-than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
-And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
-Is there a better way to die?
- -- Charles Lindbergh
-%
-Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
-representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
-representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
-capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
- -- Richard Schickel
-%
-Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
- -- Aesop
-%
-Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
-country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
-%
-Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
-wise person to be able to sell it.
-%
-Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
-how to lie well.
- -- Samuel Butler
-%
-Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
-stupid.
- -- Hedy Lamarr
-%
-Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
-%
-Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
-a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
-grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
-fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
-true.
- -- Solomon Short
-%
-Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
-%
-Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
-rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
-of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
-requires a heroism which is transcendent.
- -- Henry Ward Beecher
-%
-Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
- -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields
-%
-Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
-liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
-be deemed to be a cat.
- -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
-%
-Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
- -- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-Any president should have the right to shoot
-at least two people a year without explanation.
- -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
-%
-Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
-of indirection.
- -- David Wheeler
-%
-Any program which runs right is obsolete.
-%
-Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
-%
-Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
-Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
-From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
- -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
-%
-Any small object that is accidentally
-dropped will hide under a larger object.
-%
-Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
-exactly the point of most pressure.
- -- Milt Barber
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
- -- Rich Kulawiec
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
-%
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
- -- Arthur C. Clarke
-%
-Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
-given proper legal counsel.
- -- Alfred Perlstein
-%
-Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
-something.
-%
-Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
- -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
-%
-Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
-%
-Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
-has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
- -- J. P. Morgan
-%
-Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
-organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
- -- David Broder
-%
-Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
-sight of a police car is probably parked.
-%
-Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
-%
-Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
-person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
-and in the right way -- that is not easy.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
-supposed to be doing at the moment.
- -- Robert Benchley
-%
-Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
-none.
-%
-Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
-first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
-explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
-intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
-thought on every occasion.
- -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
-%
-Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
-%
-Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
-extremely humble opinion.
- -- Philip Paeps
-%
-Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
-is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
-make messes in the house.
- -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein
-%
-Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
- -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry
-%
-Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
- -- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
-that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
-is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
-mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
- -- Elizabeth Zwicky
-%
-Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
-knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
-as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
- -- Philippus Paracelsus
-%
-Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
-account be allowed to do the job.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
-recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
-particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
- -- Eleanor Roosevelt
-%
-Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
-tried taking candy from a baby.
- -- Robin Hood
-%
-Anything anybody can say about America is true.
- -- Emmett Grogan
-%
-Anything cut to length will be too short.
-%
-Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
-%
-Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
-%
-Anything is possible on paper.
- -- Ron McAfee
-%
-Anything is possible, unless it's not.
-%
-Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
-The label means the price went up.
-The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
-means the price went way up.
-%
-Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
-%
-Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
-undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
- -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
-%
-Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
-%
-Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
-big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
-nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
-cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
-over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
-going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
-all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
-but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
- -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
-%
-Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
-If you want to come, you're not invited.
-%
-Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
-%
-APHASIA:
- Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
- at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
-%
-Aphorism, n.:
- A concise, clever statement.
-Afterism, n.:
- A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
- -- James Alexander Thom
-%
-APL hackers do it in the quad.
-%
-APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
-future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
-of coding bums.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
-...and is best for educational purposes.
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
-in APL, but I can't read any of them.
- -- Roy Keir
-%
-Appearances often are deceiving.
- -- Aesop
-%
-APPENDIX:
- A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
-%
-Applause, n.:
- The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-April is the cruelest month...
- -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
-%
-Aquadextrous, adj.:
- Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
- faucet on and off with your toes.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
- You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
- You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
- careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
- and over again. People think you are stupid.
-%
-AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
- A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
- on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
- of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
- payday. Stop wetting your bed.
-%
-AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
- You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
- you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
- As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
- relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
- able to lend you a few bucks.
-%
-Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
-ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
-cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
-cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
-then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
-never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
- -- Peter Nelson
-%
-Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
- Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
-general can be said."
-%
-ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
- FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
-%
-Are we not men?
-%
-Are we running light with overbyte?
-%
-Are Women Human?
-In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
-representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
-The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
-vote.
-%
-Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
-
- Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
- Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
- If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
- Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
- Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Don't you know any better?
- How could you be so stupid?
- If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
- You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
- If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
-%
-Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
-
- Do as I say, not as I do.
- Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
- What did you do *this* time?
- If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
- When I was your age...
- I won't love you if you keep doing that.
- Think of all the starving children in India.
- If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
- I'm going to kill you.
- Way to go, clumsy.
- If you don't like it, you can lump it.
-%
-Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
-
- Go away. You bother me.
- Why? Because life is unfair.
- That's a nice drawing. What is it?
- Children should be seen and not heard.
- You'll be the death of me.
- You'll understand when you're older.
- Because.
- Wipe that smile off your face.
- I don't believe you.
- How many times have I told you to be careful?
- Just because.
-%
-Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
-
- Good children always obey.
- Quit acting so childish.
- Boys don't cry.
- If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
- Why do you have to know so much?
- This hurts me more than it hurts you.
- Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
- Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
- Oh, grow up.
- I'm only doing this because I love you.
-%
-Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
-
- When are you going to grow up?
- I'm only doing this for your own good.
- Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
- cry about.
- What's wrong with you?
- Someday you'll thank me for this.
- You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
- Don't you have any sense at all?
- If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
- Why? Because I said so.
- I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
-%
-Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
-say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
-
- You wouldn't understand.
- You ask too many questions.
- In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
- That's for me to know and you to find out.
- Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
- up for yourself.
- You're acting too big for your britches.
- Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
- Wait till your father gets home.
- Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
- Shape up or ship out.
-%
-Are you a turtle?
-%
-Are you making all this up as you go along?
-%
-Are you sure the back door is locked?
-%
-Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
- -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
-in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
- -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
- You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
- quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
- very nice.
-%
-ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
- You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
- and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
- got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
-%
-ARITHMETIC:
- An obscure art no longer practiced in
- the world's developed countries.
-%
-Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
- -- Mickey Mouse
-%
-Armadillo, v.:
- To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
-%
-Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
-autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
-Union.
- -- P. J. O'Rourke
-%
-Armor's Axiom:
- Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
-%
-Armstrong's Collection Law:
- If the check is truly in the mail,
- it is surely made out to someone else.
-%
-Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
- (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
- (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
- (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
- first two laws.
-%
-Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
-measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
-imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
- -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
-a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
-one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
-to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
-(He died in 1921.)
- Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
-flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
-fantasy...
- What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
-And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
-instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
-piece would be better known as:
- SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
-%
-Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
-incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
- -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
-%
-Art is a jealous mistress.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
- -- Picasso
-%
-Art is anything you can get away with.
- -- Marshall McLuhan
-%
-Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
- -- Paul Gauguin
-%
-Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
- -- Chazal
-%
-"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
-%
-Arthur's Laws of Love:
- (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
- remind them of someone else.
- (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
- be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
- of yourself in person.
-%
-Article the Third:
- Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
- enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
- guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
-Article the Fourth:
- The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
- and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
- face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
-Article the Fifth:
- Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
- a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
- lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
- to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
- -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
-%
-Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
-artificial flowers have to flowers.
- -- David Parnas
-%
-Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
-%
-As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
-%
-As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
-interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
-perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
-"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
- -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
-%
-As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
-I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
-This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
- -- Matt Cartmill
-%
-As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
-a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
-Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
-glass.
- The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
-with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
- The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
-a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
-down in one gulp.
- Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
-fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
-firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
-NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
-%
-As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
-the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
-a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
- -- Joseph Brodsky
-%
-As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
-certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
- -- Weisert
-%
-As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
- -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
-%
-As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
-We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
- -- Frederic Reynolds
-%
-As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
-of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
- -- John F. Kennedy
-%
-As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
-%
-As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
-the potato salad.
-%
-As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
-religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
-methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
-to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
-years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
-untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
-and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
-high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
-surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
- -- Steve Allen
-%
-As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
-pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
- -- Jack Handey
-%
-As I thought, no better from this side.
- -- Eeyore
-%
-As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
- Feeling worse and worser,
-There I met a C.R.T.
- And it drop't me a cursor.
-
-C.R.T., C.R.T.,
- Phosphors light on you!
-If I had fifty hours a day
- I'd spend them all at you.
- -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
-%
-As I was passing Project MAC,
-I met a Quux with seven hacks.
-Every hack had seven bugs;
-Every bug had seven manifestations;
-Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
-Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
-How many losses at Project MAC?
-%
-As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
-I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
-The words were torn and tattered,
-From the storm the night before,
-The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
-
-Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
-Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
-Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
-And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
-
-Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
-Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
-Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
-And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
-%
-As in certain cults it is possible to
-kill a process if you know its true name.
- -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
-%
-As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
-smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
-in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
-norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
-computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
-IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
-standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
-standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
-allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
-innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
-imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
-images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
-on the austerity of the word.
- -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
-%
-As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
-industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
-and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
-man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
-talk like that.
- -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
-%
-As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
-%
-As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
-schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
-The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
-%
-As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
-When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
- -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
-%
-As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
-One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
-useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
-
-Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
-
- 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
- 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
- 3. Some people never look at me.
- 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
- 5. My sex life is A-okay.
- 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
- 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
- 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
- 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
-10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
-11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
-12. I cannot read or write.
-13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
-14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
-15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
-16. I am never startled by a fish.
-17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
-18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
-19. People who break the law are wise guys.
-20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
-%
-As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
-One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
-useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
-
-Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
-
- 1. I think beavers work too hard.
- 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
- 3. God is love.
- 4. I like mannish children.
- 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
- 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
- 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
- 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
- 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
-10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
-11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
- full of mice.
-12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
-13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
-14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
-15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
-16. My eyes are always cold.
-17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
-18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
-19. I am never startled by a fish.
-20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
-%
-As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
-The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
-It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
-An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
-Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
-Follow it through, me canny lad O;
-Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
-Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
- -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
-Please update your programs.
-%
-As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
-Please update your programs.
-%
-As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
-%
-As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
-the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
-
-News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
-
- Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
- Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
- Keywords: C sources
- Distribution: na
-
- I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
- sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
- headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
- cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
-
- Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
- I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
- it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
- must be done?
-%
-As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
-a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
- -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
- conversion to a new computer system.
-%
-As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
-I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
-Of society offenders who might well be underground
-And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
- -- Koko, "The Mikado"
-%
-As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
-as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
-discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
-part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
-my own programs.
- -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
-%
-As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
-because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
-bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
-or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
-version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
-component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
-efficient test cases will usually be available.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
-%
-As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
-is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
- -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
-as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
-but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
-with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
-divinity.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-As Will Rogers would have said,
-"There is no such things as a free variable."
-%
-As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
-aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
-chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
-proper time for chocolate.
- -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
-%
-As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
-but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
- -- The Cowboy
-%
-As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
-interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
-Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
-out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
-Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
-organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
-birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
-see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
-stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
-with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
-talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
-highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
- Teen Should Know"
-%
-As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
-your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
-The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
-with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
-from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
-over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
-a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
-spider is suing you for damages.
-%
-As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
- -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
-%
-As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
-%
-Ascend to the high mountain pass,
-Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean.
-Do not give up to the great distance:
-It's by going that you will reach your aim.
-Be not discouraged by human frailty:
-You will overcome it if you try to.
- -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
-%
-ASCII:
- The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
- become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
- a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
- receive."
- -- Robb Russon
-%
-ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
-%
-ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
-%
-Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
-If God won't have you, the devil must.
-%
-Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
-one went to Harvard).
- -- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
-will pay only the station-to-station rate.
- -- Howard Kandel
-%
-Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
-%
-Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ...
-if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
-%
-Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
- -- J. J. Gibson
-%
-Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
-for an answer.
-%
-Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
- -- John Stuart Mill
-%
-Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
-said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
-released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
-right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
-learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
-writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
-newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
-bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
-chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
-as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
-everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
-the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
-and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
-couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
-two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
- -- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
-lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
- -- Christopher Hampton
-%
-Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
-and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
- -- D. Gries
-%
-Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
-with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
-the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
-and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
- -- Stanley Walker
-%
-Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
-%
-Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
- -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
-%
-At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
-solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
-take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
-available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
-In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
-is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
-relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
-a computer problem?"
- "Remember the twin paradox?"
- After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
-fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
-that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
-computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
- The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
-the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
-
- IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
-%
-At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
-not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
-it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
- -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
-%
-At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
-my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
-ignorance upon the shore.
- -- Kahlil Gibran
-%
-At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
-We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
-around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
-least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
-
-It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
-while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
-crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
-have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
-`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
-Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
-function as a normal person.
-
-I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
-you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
-some UNIX,
-
- Just Say No!
-%
-At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
-the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
-quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
-than blinkers it.
- -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
-%
-At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
-a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
- -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
-%
-At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
-"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
- -- Strange de Jim
-%
-At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
- -- J. B. White
-%
-At least they're _\bE_\bX_\bP_\bE_\bR_\bI_\bE_\bN_\bC_\bE_\bD incompetents.
-%
-At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
-thumb with a hammer.
- -- Marshall Lumsden
-%
-At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
-especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
--- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
-in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
-after fact and reason.
- -- John Keats
-%
-At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
-coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
- -- H. R. Gumby
-%
-At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
-and no further activities are scheduled.
-%
-At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
-The image of Providing Nourishment.
-Thus the superior man is careful of his words
-And temperate in eating and drinking.
-%
-At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
-contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
-or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
-of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
-nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
-world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
-enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
-field on track.
- -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
-%
-At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
-to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
-die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
-room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
-The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
-grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
-You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
-213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
-gently!"
- The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
-opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
-his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
-guess who's going to die soon!"
-%
-At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
-at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
-%
-At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
- -- Peter G. Alaquon
-%
-At times discretion should be thrown aside,
-and with the foolish we should play the fool.
- -- Menander
-%
-At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
-number of pens that person is carrying.
-%
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-%
-ATLANTA:
- An entire city surrounded by an airport.
-%
-Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
-or street lamp.
-%
-Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
-to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
- -- Marten Mickos
-%
-Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
-decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
-lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
-suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
-is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
- -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
-%
-Auction, n.:
- A gyp off the old block.
-%
-Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
- -- G. J. Danton
-%
-Audiophile, n.:
- Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
-%
-Auribus teneo lupum.
-[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
-%
-AUTHENTIC:
- Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
-%
-Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
-depths they were once able to plumb.
- -- Stanley Kaufman
-%
-Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
- -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
-%
-Automobile, n.:
- A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
- pedestrians.
-%
-Avec!
-%
-Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
-%
-Avoid cliches like the plague.
-They're a dime a dozen.
-%
-Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
-%
-Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
- -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Avoid reality at all costs.
-%
-Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
-we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
- -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
-%
-Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
-%
-Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
-ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
-to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
-mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
-in 1959.
- -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
- bad fiction contest.
-%
-Bacchus, n.:
- A convenient deity invented by the ancients
- as an excuse for getting drunk.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-BACHELOR:
- A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
-%
-BACHELOR:
- A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
-%
-Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
-that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
-correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
-invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
-West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
- To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
-Business before pleasure."
-%
-Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
-military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
-who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
-Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
-problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
-written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
-(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
-types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
-the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
-the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
-never really caught on.
-%
-Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
-uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
-%
-BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
- Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
-%
-Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
-%
-BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
-%
-Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
-whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
- -- Socrates
-%
-Bagbiter:
- 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
-intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
-bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
-obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
-bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
-CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
-%
-Bagdikian's Observation:
- Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
- is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
-%
-Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
- -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
-%
-Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
- A block grant is a solid mass of money
- surrounded on all sides by governors.
-%
-BALLISTOPHOBIA:
- Fear of bullets;
-OTOPHOBIA:
- Fear of opening one's eyes.
-PECCATOPHOBIA:
- Fear of sinning.
-TAPHEPHOBIA:
- Fear of being buried alive.
-SITOPHOBIA:
- Fear of food.
-TRICHOPHOBIA:
- Fear of hair.
-VESTIPHOBIA:
- Fear of clothing.
-%
-BALTIMORE:
- A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
-%
-Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
-%
-Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
- The hippo has no sting, but the wise
- man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
-%
-Banectomy, n.:
- The removal of bruises on a banana.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
-%
-Barach's Rule:
- An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
-%
-Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
- (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
- and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
- (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
- to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
-%
-Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
-floor -- especially in the dark.
-%
-Barker's Proof:
- Proofreading is more effective after publication.
-%
-Barometer, n.:
- An ingenious instrument which indicates
- what kind of weather we are having.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Barth's Distinction:
- There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
-types, and those who don't.
-%
-Baruch's Observation:
- If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
-%
-Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-Basic Definitions of Science:
- If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
- If it stinks, it's chemistry.
- If it doesn't work, it's physics.
-%
-Basic is a high level languish.
-APL is a high level anguish.
-%
-BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
-%
-BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
- -- Seymour Papert
-%
-BASIC, n.:
- A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
- that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
-%
-Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
-come in and sink my boats.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Bathquake, n.:
- The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
- faucet is turned on to a certain point.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Batteries not included.
-%
-Battle, n.:
- A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
- will not yield to the tongue.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Be a better psychiatrist and the world
-will beat a psychopath to your door.
-%
-BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
-%
-BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
-%
-Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
-get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
-face.
- -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
- -- Homer
-%
-Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
-%
-Be careful! Is it classified?
-%
-Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
-%
-Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
-situations that can't bear inspection.
-%
-Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
- -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
-%
-Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
-%
-Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
- -- Derek Bok
-%
-Be cautious in your daily affairs.
-%
-Be cheerful while you are alive.
- -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
-%
-Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
-to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
- -- De Maintenon
-%
-Be different: conform.
-%
-Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
-the issue afterwards.
-%
-Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
-Things won't get any better so get used to it.
-%
-Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
-%
-Be independent.
-Insult a rich relative today.
-%
-Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
-nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
-%
-Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
- -- Wilson Mizner
-%
-Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
- -- Pope St. Gregory I
-%
-Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
-%
-Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
-Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
-%
-Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
-and original in your work.
- -- Flaubert
-%
-Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
-%
-Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
-%
-Be sociable.
-Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
-%
-Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
-%
-Be valiant, but not too venturous.
-Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
- -- John Lyly
-%
-Beachhead, n.:
- In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain
- control and from which you go out to control other pieces of
- the market.
-
- In war: Where soldiers die.
-%
-Beam me up, Scotty!
-%
-Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
-%
-Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
-%
-Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
-%
-BEAUTY:
- What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
-%
-Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
-%
-Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
-%
-Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
- -- Jean Anouilh
-%
-Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
-Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
- -- John Keats
-%
-Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
- -- Redd Foxx
-%
-Because I do,
-Because I do not hope,
-Because I do not hope to survive
-Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
-Because I do, only do,
-I continue...
- -- T. S. Pynchon
-%
-Because the wine remembers.
-%
-Because we don't think about future generations,
-they will never forget us.
- -- Henrik Tikkanen
-%
-Been through hell?
-What did you bring back for me?
-%
-Been Transferred Lately?
-%
-Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
-%
-Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
-%
-Bees are very busy souls
-They have no time for birth controls
-And that is why in times like these
-There are so many Sons of Bees.
-%
-Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
- -- Addison H. Hallock
-%
-Before destruction a man's heart is
-haughty, but humility goes before honour.
- -- Psalms 18:12
-%
-...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
-or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
-did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
-manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
-this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
-power of meddling.
- -- Joseph Conrad
-%
-Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
-%
-Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
-they are "Let's eat out."
-%
-Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
-starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
-first.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
-%
-Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
-%
-Before you ask more questions, think about whether
-you really want to know the answers.
- -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
-%
-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
-That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
-their shoes.
-%
-Begathon, n.:
- A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
-you won't have to watch commercials.
-%
-Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
- "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
-%
-Beggars should be no choosers.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
-%
-Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
-%
-Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
-%
-Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
-is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
-the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
-basket!"
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Behold the warranty -- the bold print
-giveth and the fine print taketh away.
-%
-Beifeld's Principle:
- The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
-receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
-already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
-looking and richer male friend.
-%
-Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
-%
-Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
-stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
-opposite applies with the judges.
- -- Beyond the Fringe
-%
-Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
-since it consists principally of dealings with men.
- -- Conrad
-%
-Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
-to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
-and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
- "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
-seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
-%
-Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
-if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
-has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
-%
-Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
-disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
-%
-Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
-enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
- -- Eugene McCarthy
-%
-Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
-Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
- -- Blake Clark
-%
-Being owned by someone used to be called
-slavery -- now it's called commitment.
-%
-Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
-%
-Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
-standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
- -- unnamed Justice Department official
-%
-Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
-%
-Belief, n.:
- Something you do not believe.
-%
-Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
-impossibly bad.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
-%
-Ben, why didn't you tell me?
- -- Luke Skywalker
-%
-Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
- (1) Houses are for people to live in.
- (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
- (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
-%
-Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
- -- Time Bandits
-%
-Benson's Dogma:
- ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
-%
-Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
-Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
-%
-Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
-to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
- -- Kirk McKusick
-%
-Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
-none of his friends like him either.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
-transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
-Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
-place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
-surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
-MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
-For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
-rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
-"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
-after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
- "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
- "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
- "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
- "The test or the room?"
- "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
- "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
-Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
-great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
-tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
-why?"
- "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
- -- House of God
-%
-Bershere's Formula for Failure:
- There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
- listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
-%
-Besides the device, the box should contain:
-
-* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
-
-* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
- club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
-
-YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
-cable.
-
-IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
-spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
-that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
-without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
-why."
-
-WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
- -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
-%
-Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
-judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
-doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
-history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
-at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
-them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
-victuals being spent and especially our beer."
- -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
-%
-Best Mistakes In Films
- In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
-four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
-possible.
- In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
-street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
- In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
-with television aerials.
- In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
-fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
-in the background.
- In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
-clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-Best of all is never to have been born.
-Second best is to die soon.
-%
-Beta test, v.:
- To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
- sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
- In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
-%
-Better by far you should forget and
-smile than that you should remember and be sad.
- -- Christina Rossetti
-%
-Better dead than mellow.
-%
-Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
-around while you have your life in such a mess.
-%
-Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
-%
-Better late than never.
- -- Titus Livius (Livy)
-%
-Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
-%
-better !pout !cry
-better watchout
-lpr why
-santa claus <north pole >town
-
-cat /etc/passwd >list
-ncheck list
-ncheck list
-cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
-cat list | grep nice >giftlist
-santa claus <north pole >town
-
-who | grep sleeping
-who | grep awake
-who | egrep 'bad|good'
-for (goodness sake) {
- be good
-}
-%
-Better the prince of some inferior court,
-Than second, or less, in beatific light.
- -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
-%
-Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
-%
-Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
- -- motto of the Christopher Society
-%
-Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
-%
-Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
- -- Jeff Cooper
-%
-Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
-left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
-bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
-pushing boulders into a single word.
- It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
-Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
-equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
-destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
-Parliament and Party.
- It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
-planets, this may be the first message received from us.
- -- The Realist, November, 1964
-%
-Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
-%
-Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
- -- G. H. Gonnet
-%
-Between the idea
-And the reality
-Between the motion
-And the act
-Falls the Shadow
- -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to system service dispatching.]
-%
-BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
-%
-Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
-%
-Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
-%
-Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
-%
-Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
-a new wearer of clothes.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-Beware of Bigfoot!
-%
-Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
-tried it.
- -- Donald E. Knuth
-%
-Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
-%
-Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
-%
-Beware of geeks bearing graft.
-%
-Beware of low-flying butterflies.
-%
-Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
-danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
-the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
- -- St. Augustine
-%
-Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
- -- Leonard Brandwein
-%
-Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
-drip under pressure.
-%
-Beware of strong drink. It can make you
-shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
- -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
-%
-Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
-is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
-%
-Beware the new TTY code!
-%
-Beware the one behind you.
-%
-Bi, n.:
- When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
-%
-Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
- (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
- (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
- (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
-%
-Big book, big bore.
- -- Callimachus
-%
-Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
-Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
-Mighty nice!
-%
-Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
-%
-Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
-%
-Bilbo's First Law:
- You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
-%
-Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
- -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
-%
-Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
- generation to generation?
-Mom: Yes?
-Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
-%
-Binary, adj.:
- Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
-%
-Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
-and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
- -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
-%
-Bing's Rule:
- Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
-%
-Biology grows on you.
-%
-Biology is the only science in which
-multiplication means the same thing as division.
-%
-Bipolar, adj.:
- Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
-New York
-%
-Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
-nightgowns do with keeping warm.
- -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
-%
-Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
-%
-Birth, n.:
- The first and direst of all disasters.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
-%
-Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
-behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
-absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
-time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
-time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
-on the observer's movement in restaurants.
- -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
-%
-Bit, n.:
- A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
- refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
- cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
- ago.
-%
-Bit off more than my mind could chew,
-Shower or suicide, what do I do?
- -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
-%
-Biz is better.
-%
-Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
-%
-Bizoos, n.:
- The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
- basketball.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
-are involved in when they burn stores.
- -- Julius Lester
-%
-Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
-Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
-Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
-They were just some of my tropical fish.
-
-Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
-Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
-Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
-Now I have many less tropical fish.
-
- If you think that
- Fish are peaceful
- That's an empty wish.
- Just dump them together
- And leave them alone,
- And soon you will have -- no fish.
- -- To My Favorite Things
-%
-Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
-The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
-A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
-She wants to hit those bricks,
- 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
-While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
-The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
-I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
-I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
- -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
-%
-Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
-%
-Blessed are the forgetful: for they
-get the better even of their blunders.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
- -- Herbert Hoover
-%
-Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
-to say it.
- -- James Russell Lowell
-%
-Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
-for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
-%
-Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
- -- W. C. Bennett
-%
-Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
- -- Alexander Pope
-%
-Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
-for he shall enjoy living.
- -- W. C. Bennett
-%
-Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
-abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
- -- George Eliot
-%
-Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
- -- David Nichols
-%
-BLISS is ignorance.
-%
-Blithwapping, v.:
- Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
- wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
-%
-Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
-%
-Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
- The judge's jokes are always funny.
-%
-Blore's Razor:
- Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
-funnier.
-%
-Blow it out your ear.
-%
-Blue paint today.
- [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
-%
-Blutarsky's Axiom:
- Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
-%
-Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
-%
-Boling's postulate:
- If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
-%
-Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
- Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
- vividly manifests their lack of progress.
-%
-Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
- Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-%
-Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
-seemed to come from Texas.
- -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
-%
-Bondage maybe, discipline never!
- -- T. K.
-%
-Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
-%
-BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
-%
-Boob's Law:
- You always find something in the last place you look.
-%
-Booker's Law:
- An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
-%
-Bore, n.:
- A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
- -- Walter Winchell
-%
-Bore, n.:
- A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Boren's Laws:
- (1) When in charge, ponder.
- (2) When in trouble, delegate.
- (3) When in doubt, mumble.
-%
-Boss, n.:
- According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
- words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
- in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
- ornamental stud."
-%
-Boston, n.:
- An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
-%
-Boston, n.:
- Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
-finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
-%
-Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
-that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
-straightened out for a crowbar.
- -- O. W. Holmes
-%
-Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
-interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
-on the same communications line connection.
- -- Bell System Technical Reference
-%
-Boucher's Observation:
- He who blows his own horn always plays the music
- several octaves higher than originally written.
-%
-Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
- -- Ralph Lewin
-%
-Bower's Law:
- Talent goes where the action is.
-%
-Bowie's Theorem:
- If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
-%
-Boy! Eucalyptus!
-%
-Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
-You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
-Save your heart and let your body be enough,
-To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
-Save your heart and let your body be enough,
-And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
- -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
-%
-Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
-'Advanced Systems Development' group!
-%
-Boy, life takes a long time to live.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-Boy, n.:
- A noise with dirt on it.
-%
-Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
-%
-Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
-%
-Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
-when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
- -- James Thurber
-%
-Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
- -- Kin Hubbard
-%
-Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
-together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
-tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
-on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
-They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
-clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
-Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
-well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
-like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
-which is all the time.
- -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
-%
-Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
-unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
-(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
-to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
- -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
- Style"
-%
-Bradley's Bromide:
- If computers get too powerful, we can organize
- them into a committee -- that will do them in.
-%
-Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
- When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
- easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
- have handled this?"
-%
-Brain fried -- core dumped
-%
-Brain, n.:
- The apparatus with which we think that we think.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
- To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
- of error in an opponent.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
-theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
-Multics, adj.:
- Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
- that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
- because he/she should have known better. Calling something
- brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
-%
-Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
-is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
-off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
-single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
-kept going, sliding safely into third base.
- With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
-bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
-Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
-took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
- I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
-start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
-into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
-shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
- -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
-%
-Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
- -- Charles Lamb
-%
-Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
- -- Randy Goebel
-%
-Break into jail and claim police brutality.
-%
-Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
-since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
-Watch lights fade from every room.
-Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
-another day's useless energies spent.
-
-Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
-Lonely man cries for love and has none.
-New mother picks up and suckles her son.
-Senior citizens wish they were young.
-
-Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
-Removes the colors from our sight.
-Red is grey and yellow white.
-But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
- -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
-%
-Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
-%
-Bride, n.:
- A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
-%
-Briefcase, n.:
- A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
-%
-Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
-data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
-an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
-and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
-which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
-in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
-hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
-construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
-assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
-only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
-of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
-analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
-appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
- -- A. Benjamin
-%
-Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
- girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
-i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
- e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
-
-"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
- dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
-fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
- metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
- -- "The Jabberwock"
-%
-Bringing computers into the home won't change
-either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
-%
-Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
-more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
-If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
-brusque, your character.
- -- Jonathan Swift
-%
-British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
-it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
- -- Peter Ustinov
-%
-British Israelites:
- The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
-be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
-on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
-can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
-means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
-believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
-and take all your teeth.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Broad-mindedness, n.:
- The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
-%
-Brogan's Constant:
- People tend to congregate in the back
- of the church and the front of the bus.
-%
-Brokee, n.:
- Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
-%
-Brontosaurus Principle:
- Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
-in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
-this occurs, they are an endangered species.
- -- Thomas K. Connellan
-%
-Brooke's Law:
- Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
- discovers something which either abolishes the system or
- expands it beyond recognition.
-%
-Brooks' Law:
- Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
-%
-Brucify, v.:
- 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
- 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
- [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
- {frustrate}]
- 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
- (of one of the two other meanings).
-The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
-Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
-reviews just done in his spirit.
-%
-BS: You remind me of a man.
-B: What man?
-BS: The man with the power.
-B: What power?
-BS: The power of voodoo.
-B: Voodoo?
-BS: You do.
-B: Do what?
-BS: Remind me of a man.
-B: What man?
-BS: The man with the power...
- -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
-%
-Bubble Memory, n.:
- A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
-intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
-%
-Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
-%
-Bucy's Law:
- Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
-%
-Bug, n.:
- An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
-programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
-wrote the program.
-
-Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
- -- Ray Simard
-%
-Bug, n.:
- An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
- The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
- when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
- -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
-%
-Bugs, pl. n.:
- Small living things that small living boys throw on small
- living girls.
-%
-Building translators is good clean fun.
- -- T. Cheatham
-%
-BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
- outfit."
-GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
-BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
- -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
-%
-Bumper sticker:
- All the parts falling off this car are
- of the very finest British manufacture.
-%
-Bunker's Admonition:
- You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
-%
-Burbulation, v.:
- The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
- an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Bureau Termination, Law of:
- When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
- the number of employees in that bureau will double within
- 12 months after the decision is made.
-%
-Bureaucracy, n.:
- A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
-%
-Bureaucrat, n.:
- A person who cuts red tape sideways.
- -- J. McCabe
-%
-Bureaucrat, n.:
- A politician who has tenure.
-%
-Burke's Postulates:
- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
- Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
-%
-Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
- (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
- sawhorse.
- (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
- (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
- perfectly balanced.
- (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
- -- Robert Burns
-%
-Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
- -- Ken Weaver
-%
-Bus error -- driver executed.
-%
-Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
-%
-Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
-%
-Business is a good game -- lots of competition
-and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
- -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
-%
-Business will be either better or worse.
- -- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
-%
-But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
-paws.
-%
-But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
-%
-But has any little atom,
- While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
-Ever stopped to think or CARE
- That E = m c**2 ?
-%
-But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
-I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
-kill more than I could eat.
- -- Raoul Duke
-%
-But I don't like Spam!!!!
-%
-"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
-"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
-"But I'm feeling much better..."
-"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
- -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
-%
-But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
-back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
-what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
-to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
-true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
-theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
-even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
-crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
-that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
-with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
-everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
-therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
-arrogance down.
- -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
-%
-But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
-nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
- -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
-%
-But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
-system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
-analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
- -- Bruce Leverett,
- "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
-%
-But it does move!
- -- Galileo Galilei
-%
-But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
-%
-But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
-In proving foresight may be vain:
-The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
-Gang aft a-gley,
-An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
-For promised joy.
- -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
-%
-But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
-%
-But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
-%
-But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
-to the nearest gas station.
-%
-But scientists, who ought to know
-Assure us that it must be so.
-Oh, let us never, never doubt
-What nobody is sure about.
- -- Hilaire Belloc
-%
-But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
-%
-But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
-frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
- -- M. Proust
-%
-But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
-Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
-But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
- -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
-%
-But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
-was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
-education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
-1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
-American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
-invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
-invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
-adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
-electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
-electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
-part) sends it right back to the customer again.
-
-This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
-of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
-very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
-In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
-States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
-ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
-increases.
- -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-But these pills can't be habit forming;
-I've been taking them for years.
-%
-But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
-place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
-Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
-is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
-enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
-Have I explained yet about the bytes?
-%
-But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
-computers?
-%
-But you shall not escape my iambics.
- -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
-%
-But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
-reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
-those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
- -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
-%
-Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
-Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
-Less dear than army ants in apple pies
-Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
-Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
-Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
-They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
-Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
-Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
-And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
-Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
-Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
-Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
-Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
-%
-Buzzword, n.:
- The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
-%
-By doing just a little every day, you can
-gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
-%
-By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
-%
-By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
-designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
- -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
- Fool's column.
-%
-By nature, men are nearly alike;
-by practice, they get to be wide apart.
- -- Confucius
-%
-By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
-In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
-as it is to invent.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
- -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
- (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
- [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
- misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
-%
-By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
- -- Charles Spurgeon
-%
-By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
- -- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
-to suspect "Hungry" ...
- -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
-%
-By the time you swear you're his,
-shivering and sighing
-and he vows his passion is
-infinite, undying --
-Lady, make a note of this:
-One of you is lying.
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
-%
-By the yard, life is hard.
-By the inch, it's a cinch.
-%
-By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
-Another man's, I mean.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-By working faithfully eight hours a day,
-you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
- -- Robert Frost
-%
-BYOB, v.:
- Believing Your Own Bull
-%
-Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
-point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
-fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
-often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
-from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
-that so many people from point A are so keen to get _\bt_\bh_\be_\br_\be. They often
-wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
-they wanted to be.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
-carefully print the chaff.
-%
-Byte your tongue.
-%
-C Code.
-C Code Run.
-Run, Code, RUN!
- PLEASE!!!!
-%
-C for yourself.
-%
-C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
-%
-C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
-harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
- -- Bjarne Stroustrup
-%
-C, n.:
- A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
- assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
- else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
- it isn't.
- -- Ray Simard
-%
-Cabbage, n.:
- A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
- a man's head.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
- -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
-%
-Cache:
- A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
- is supposed to know is there.
-%
-California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
-and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
-coffee.
-%
-Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
- -- Indian proverb
-%
-Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
-current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
-damnation.
- -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
- Life of Hall"
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to logical names.]
-%
-Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
- -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
-%
-Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
-Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
-Calm down, and speak to me in English,
-Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
-%
-Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
-Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
-Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
-%
-Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
- -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
-Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
-who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
- -- Clarence Darrow
-%
-Campbell's Law:
- Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
-%
-Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
-%
-Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
-points.
- -- M. M. Johnston
-%
-Can anyone remember when the times
-were not hard, and money not scarce?
-%
-Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
-Yes, work never begun.
-%
-"Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer?
-No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community."
- -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial)
-%
-Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
-only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
- -- Robert J. Ringer
-%
-Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
- It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
-
-Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
- A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
-%
-Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
-It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
- -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
-%
-Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
-Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
-A root or two, a torus and a node:
-The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
- This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
- but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
- poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
- when you're poor and unhappy.
-%
-CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
- You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
-problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
-off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
-recipients are Cancer people.
-%
-Canonical, adj.:
- The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
-One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
-of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
-much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
-Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
-fashion without thinking.
- Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
- Stallman: "What did he say?"
- Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
-%
-Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
- -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test
- Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
-%
-Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
-%
-Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
-%
-Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
-the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
- -- John Maynard Keynes
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
- Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
- part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
- luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
- a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
- don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
- Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
- else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
- it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
-%
-CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
- You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
- much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
- of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
- too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
-%
-Captain Penny's Law:
- You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
- some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
-%
-Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
-%
-Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
-Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
-mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
-takes.
-%
-Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
-trousers that don't match.
-%
-Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
-the name Craney incorrectly.
- -- Jim Canrey
-%
-Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
-fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
-the same can be said of dirt.
-%
-Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
- The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
- dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
- then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Carson's Consolation:
- Nothing is ever a complete failure.
- It can always be used as a bad example.
-%
-Carson's Observation on Footwear:
- If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
-%
-Carswell's Corollary:
- Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
- nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
-%
-Cat, n.:
- Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
-%
-Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
- -- The Beach Boys
-%
-Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
- -- Howard Chaykin
-%
-Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
-%
-Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
- -- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
-a sled through the snow.
-%
-Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
-%
-Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
- -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
-%
-Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
-%
-Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
-%
-CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
-%
-CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
-%
-Cecil, you're my final hope
-Of finding out the true Straight Dope
-For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
-But none of my cats are at all like that.
-This unusual animal (so it is said)
-Is simultaneously alive and dead!
-What I don't understand is just why he
-Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
-My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
-In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
-If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
-And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
-But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
-Then I will *_\ba_\bn_\bd* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
- -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
- of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
-%
-Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
-%
-Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
-of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
-incorrect model can be a useful tool.
- -- Kelvin Throop III
-%
-Census Taker to Housewife:
-Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
-%
-Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
-%
-Cerebral atrophy, n.:
- The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
-impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
-symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
-performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
-everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
-and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
-victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
-
-Cerebral darwinism, n.:
- The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
-through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
-alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
-the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
-first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
-imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
-Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
-performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
-%
-Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
-Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something
-Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
- out of it?
-Jaka: Ugh!
-Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
- -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
-%
-Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
-walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
-then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
-health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
-not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
-only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
-others who have tried it.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
-the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court
-of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate
-which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order,
-the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground
-nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts
-(unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts
-(unground)."
- -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
-%
-Certainly the game is rigged.
-Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
-But it's very funny --
-did you ever try buying them without money?
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
-%
-C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
- -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
-%
-CF&C stole it, fair and square.
- -- Tim Hahn
-%
-Chairman of the Bored.
-%
-Chamberlain's Laws:
- 1: The big guys always win.
- 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
-%
-Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
- -- Anatole France
-%
-Change your thoughts and you change your world.
-%
-Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
- -- Kathleen Norris
-%
-Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
-%
-Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
-
- The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
-Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
-that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
-quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
-mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
-a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
-can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
-race in general.
-%
-Character density, n.:
- The number of very weird people in the office.
-%
-Character is what you are in the dark!
- -- Lord John Whorfin
-%
-Charity begins at home.
- -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-Charity, n.:
- A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
-%
-Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
-Linus: To make others happy.
-Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
-%
-Charlie was a chemist,
-But Charlie is no more.
-What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
-%
-Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
-without having asked any clear question.
-%
-Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
-%
-Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
-they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
-%
-Checkuary, n.:
- The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
- when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
-%
-Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
-%
-Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
- -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
-%
-Chef, n.:
- Any cook who swears in French.
-%
-Cheit's Lament:
- If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
- the next time he's in need.
-%
-Chemicals, n.:
- Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
-%
-Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
-%
-Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
-%
-Chemistry is applied theology.
- -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
-%
-Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
-%
-Cheops' Law:
- Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
-%
-Chess tonight.
-%
-Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
-%
-Chicago, n.:
- Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
-%
-Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
- Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
- headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
- -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
-%
-Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
- The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
-for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
-cheerfully baste you.
- -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
-%
-Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
-Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
-%
-Chicken Little only has to be right once.
-%
-Chicken Little was right.
-%
-Chicken Soup, n.:
- An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
- cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
- can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
-shivers when it's warm.
-%
-Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
-them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
-%
-Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
-despite every effort to teach them good manners.
-%
-Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
-going to catch you in next.
- -- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
-And that's what parents were created for.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
-Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
-repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
-%
-Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
- -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
-%
-Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
-%
-Chism's Law of Completion:
- The amount of time required to complete a government project is
- precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
-%
-Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
- When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
-%
-Chivalry, Schmivalry!
- Roger the thief has a
- method he uses for
- sneaky attacks:
-Folks who are reading are
- Characteristically
- Always Forgetting to
- Guard their own bac ...
-%
-Chocolate Chip.
-%
-Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
-a friend if she were a man.
- -- Joubert
-%
-Chorus:
- Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
- Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
- You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
- But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
-She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
-And we begged her not to go.
-But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
-And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
- out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
- And incriminating claus-marks on her
-Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
-He's been taking this so well.
-See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
-Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
- with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
- They should never give a license,
- To a man who drives a sleigh and
- plays with elves!
- -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
-%
-Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
-%
-Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
-Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
-Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
-Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
-
-On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
-Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
-There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
-The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
-
-It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
-It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
-Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
-What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
- Angels We Have Heard On High,
-Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
-Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
-Driving his reindeer across the sky,
-Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Churchill's Commentary on Man:
- Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
- but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
-%
-Cigarette, n.:
- A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
- between.
-%
-Cinemuck, n.:
- The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
- covers the floors of movie theaters.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
- -- Herodotus
-%
-Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
- -- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
-See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
-%
-Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Clairvoyant, n.:
- A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
- which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a
- blockhead.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
-aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-Clarke's Conclusion:
- Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
-%
-Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
-Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
- -- "Bugsy" Siegel
-%
-Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
-leading the parade.
- -- Bill Battie
-%
-Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
- -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
-%
-Clay's Conclusion:
- Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
-%
-Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
-the walk before it stops snowing.
- -- Phyllis Diller
-%
-Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
- -- P. J. O'Rourke
-%
-CLEVELAND:
- Where their last tornado did six
- million dollars worth of improvements.
-%
-Cleveland still lives. God _\bm_\bu_\bs_\bt be dead.
-%
-Cleveland?
-Yes, I spent a week there one day.
-%
-Climate and Surgery
- R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
-received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
-the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
-day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
-riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
-recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
- -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
-%
-Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
- "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
- "Well, yes, I am."
- "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
- The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
-me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
-passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
-please?" it asked the bartender.
- The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
-"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
- "No, I'm a frayed knot."
-%
-Clone, n.:
- 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
- product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
- is a clone of our product."
-%
-Clones are people two.
-%
-Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
-%
-Clothes make the man.
-Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
- The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
- than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
- bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
-%
-Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
-Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
- -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
-
-Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
-Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
- -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
-
-Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
-Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
- -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
-%
-Coach: How's it going, Norm?
-Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
- -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
-
-Sam: What's up, Norm?
-Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
- -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
-
-Coach: What's the story, Norm?
-Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
- -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
-%
-Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
-Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
- -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
-
-Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
-Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
- -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
-
-Sam: What will you have, Norm?
-Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
- of whatever comes out of that tap.
-Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
-Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
- -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
-%
-Coach: What's up, Norm?
-Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
- -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
-
-Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
-Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
- -- Cheers, Snow Job
-
-Coach: Beer, Normie?
-Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
- Eh, why not, I'm still young.
- -- Cheers, Snow Job
-%
-COBOL:
- An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
-%
-COBOL:
- Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
-%
-COBOL is for morons.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
-%
-Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
- -- Wes Peters
-%
-Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
-terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
-%
-Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
-"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
- -- Blair Houghton
-%
-Cohen's Law:
- There is no bottom to worse.
-%
-Cohn's Law:
- The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
- time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
- all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
-%
-Coincidence, n.:
- You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
- going on.
-%
-Coincidences are spiritual puns.
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-Cold, adj.:
- When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
- pockets.
-%
-Cold hands, no gloves.
-%
-Cole's Law:
- Thinly sliced cabbage.
-%
-Collaboration, n.:
- A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
- other fellow can spell.
-%
-COLLEGE:
- The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
-%
-College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
-faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
-the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
-legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
-loss to humanity.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-COLORADO:
- Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
-%
-Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
-%
-Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
-
-0. integrated 0. management 0. options
-1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
-2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
-3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
-4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
-5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
-6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
-7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
-8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
-9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
-
- The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
-the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
-"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
-virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
-one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
-"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
- -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
-%
-Colvard's Logical Premises:
- All probabilities are 50%.
-Either a thing will happen or it won't.
-
-Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
- This is especially true when
- dealing with someone you're attracted to.
-
-Grelb's Commentary:
- Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
-%
-Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
-And every vector dreams of matrices.
-Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
-It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
-Your winter garment of repentance fling.
-The bird of time has but a little way
-To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
- -- Omar Khayyam
-%
-Come home America.
- -- George McGovern, 1972
-%
-Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
-Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
- -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
-%
-Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
-Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
-Their indices bedecked from one to _\bn,
-Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Come live with me, and be my love,
-And we will some new pleasures prove
-Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
-With silken lines, and silver hooks.
- -- John Donne
-%
-Come live with me and be my love,
-And we will some new pleasures prove
-Of golden sands and crystal brooks
-With silken lines, and silver hooks.
-There's nothing that I wouldn't do
-If you would be my POSSLQ.
-
-You live with me, and I with you,
-And you will be my POSSLQ.
-I'll be your friend and so much more;
-That's what a POSSLQ is for.
-
-And everything we will confess;
-Yes, even to the IRS.
-Some day on what we both may earn,
-Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
-You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
-You'll share my life - up to a point!
-And that you'll be so glad to do,
-Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
-%
-Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
- -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767)
-%
-Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
- -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
-%
-Come, you spirits
-That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
-And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
-Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
-Stop up the access and passage to remorse
-That no compunctious visiting of nature
-Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
-The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
-And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
-Wherever in your sightless substances
-You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
-And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
-That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
-Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
-To cry `Hold, hold!'
- -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth"
-%
-Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
-%
-Coming to Stores Near You:
-
-101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
-
- (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
- It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
- I'm Not Misbehaving
-
-And A Whole Lot More...
-%
-Coming together is a beginning;
- keeping together is progress;
- working together is success.
-%
-Command, n.:
- Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
- such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
-%
-Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-Commitment, n.:
- Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
- The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
-%
-Committee, n.:
- A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
- decide that nothing can be done.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-Committee Rules:
- (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
- (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
- stamps you as being wise.
- (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
- others.
- (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
- (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
- popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
-%
-Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
-be appointed to do the work.
-%
-Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
-different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
- -- Clive James
-%
-Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
- -- Josh Billings
-%
-Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
-Everyone thinks he has enough.
- -- Rene Descartes, 1637
-%
-Commoner's three laws of ecology:
- 1) No action is without side-effects.
- 2) Nothing ever goes away.
- 3) There is no free lunch.
-%
-Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
-%
-Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
-of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
- -- David Guaspari
-%
-Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
-has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
-either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
-stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
-misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
-the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
-characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
- -- Dan Klein
-%
-COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
-one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
- -- J. N. Gray
-%
-Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
-is in the eye of the beholder.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
-courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
-be enough.
- -- Gene Scott
-%
-COMPLEX SYSTEM:
- One with real problems and imaginary profits.
-%
-COMPLIMENT:
- When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
-%
-Compuberty, n.:
- The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
- computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
- a sun4 is put online sharing files.
-%
-COMPUTER:
- An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
- totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
- this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
-%
-Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
-%
-Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
-%
-Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
-%
-COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
- precision of the former and the success of the latter.
- 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
- 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
- 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
- 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
- 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
-%
-Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
-telescopes.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
-adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
- -- Jim Horning
-%
-Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
-%
-Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
-Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
- -- Gilb
-%
-Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
- -- Pablo Picasso
-%
-Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
-the world that just don't add up.
-%
-Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them.
-The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate
-goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off
-course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!"
- -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008)
-%
-Computers don't actually think.
- You just think they think.
- (We think.)
-%
-Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
-than the estimate the job will cost.
-%
-Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
- -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
-%
-Concept, n.:
- Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
- $25,000.
-%
-Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
-from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
-%
-Condense soup, not books!
-%
-CONFERENCE:
- A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
- what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
- he's already decided to do.
-%
-Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
-confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
- -- Josh Billings
-%
-Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
-%
-Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
-that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
- -- Peter de Vries
-%
-Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
-the reputation.
- -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
-%
-Confidant, confidante, n.:
- One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
-fall flat on your face.
- -- Dr. L. Binder
-%
-Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
-%
-CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
- A man who goes through life without a hitch.
-%
-Conflicting research paradigms
-Have legitimized various crimes.
- The worst we can see
- Is in psychology,
-Measuring reaction times.
-%
-Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
-%
-Confucius say too damn much!
-%
-Confucius say too much.
- -- Recent Chinese proverb
-%
-Confusion will be my epitaph
-as I walk a cracked and broken path
-If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
-but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
- -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
-%
-Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
-If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
-hesitate to ask!
-%
-Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
-would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
-you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
-maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
-OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
-UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
-IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
-WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
-SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
-RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
-RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
-FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
- -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
-%
-Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
-
-He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
-Year award.
-%
-Congratulations!
-
-Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
-v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
-a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
-with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
-a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
-left.
-
- -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
- nameless to the development team after releasing
- the second version of their product.
-%
-Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
-
- Mathematician's Proof:
- 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
- odd numbers are prime.
- Physicist's Proof:
- 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
- error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
- Engineer's Proof:
- 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
- 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
- Computer Scientist's Proof:
- 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
-%
-Connector Conspiracy, n.:
- [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
-KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
-manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
-to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
-stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
-interface devices.
-%
-Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
-%
-Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
-governing that is hard.
- -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
-%
-Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
-when everything else feels great.
-%
-Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
-%
-Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
-wish you weren't.
-%
-CONSENT DECREE:
- A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
- in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
- never admitted to in the first place.
-%
-Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
- -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
-%
-Conservative, n.:
- A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
- from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
- -- Professor in the UCB physics department
-%
-Consider the following axioms carefully:
- "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
- and
- "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
-What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
-thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
-consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
-%
-Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
-it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
- -- Titus Maccius Plautus
-%
-Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
-the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
- -- Josh Billings
-%
-CONSULTANT:
- (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
- you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
- of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
- Calculator, Will Travel.
-%
-CONSULTANT:
- An ordinary man a long way from home.
-%
-CONSULTANT:
- [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
- (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
- "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
- has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
- and heavy wallet.
-%
-CONSULTANT:
- Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
- lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
-%
-Consultants are mystical people who ask a
-company for a number and then give it back to them.
-%
-CONSULTATION:
- Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
-%
-Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
-the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
-we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
-will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
-seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
- -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
-%
-"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
-if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
-Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
-technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
-%
-Convention is the ruler of all.
- -- Pindar
-%
-Conversation enriches the understanding,
-but solitude is the school of genius.
-%
-Conversation, n.:
- A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
- is called the listener.
-%
-Conway's Law:
- In any organization there will always be one person who knows
- what is going on.
-
- This person must be fired.
-%
-Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
-line-up.
- -- Raymond Chandler
-%
-COPYING MACHINE:
- A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
- and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
- interested in reading them.
-%
-Coronation, n.:
- The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
- visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
- dynamite bomb.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-Corrupt, adj.:
- In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
-%
-Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
-of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
-capitalism.
- -- Walter Lippmann
-%
-Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
-His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
- -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
-%
-Corry's Law:
- Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
-%
-Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
-at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
-the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
-mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
-being easier to stake.
-%
-Counting in binary is just like counting
-in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
- -- Glaser and Way
-%
-Counting in octal is just like counting
-in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
-%
-Courage is grace under pressure.
-%
-Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Courage is your greatest present need.
-%
-Court, n.:
- A place where they dispense with justice.
- -- Arthur Train
-%
-Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
- -- William Congreve
-%
-Coward, n.:
- One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
-with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
- -- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
-%
-Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
-process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
-attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
-enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
-and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
-between adequacy and excellence.
-%
-Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
-peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
-ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
-say it was obvious all along.
- -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
-%
-Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
-%
-Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
-sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
-%
-Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
- -- James Blish
-%
-CREDITOR:
- A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
-%
-Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
- If you are the first to know about something bad,
- you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
- regardless of your formal duties.
-%
-Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
- -- A. E. Neuman
-%
-Critic, n.:
- A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
- to please him.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
- -- Zeuxis
-%
-Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
-seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
- -- Brendan Behan
-%
-Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
- -- Socrates' last words
-%
-Croll's Query:
- If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
-%
-Cropp's Law:
- The amount of work done varies inversely
- with the time spent in the office.
-%
-Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
- -- Madonna
-%
-Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
- If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
- will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
- much work has already been done on it.
-%
-Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
-%
-Crush! Kill! Destroy!
-%
-Cthulhu Cthucks!
-%
-Cthulhu for President!
- (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
-%
-Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
-%
-Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
-%
-Cure the disease and kill the patient.
- -- Francis Bacon
-%
-CURSOR:
- One whose program will not run.
- -- Robb Russon
-%
-Cursor address, n.:
- "Hello, cursor!"
- -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
-environment.
- The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
-addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
-matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
-people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
-Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
-The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
-the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
-order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
-Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
-check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
-possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
-columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
-cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
-with us.
-
-MOZ DONG n.
- Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
-Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
-Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
- -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Custer committed Siouxicide.
-%
-Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
-of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
- -- Gerry Youghkins
-
-If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
-don't like it.
- -- Gerry Youghkins
-%
-Cutler Webster's Law:
- There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
- is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
-%
-Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
-eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
-business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
- -- Johnny Hart
-%
-Cynic, n.:
- A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
- as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
- plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Cynic, n.:
- Experienced.
-%
-Cynic, n.:
- One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
- eye.
-%
-Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
-several of us died of tuberculosis.
- -- Jack Handey
-%
-<Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
-though?
-
-<``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
-it lacks is a decent editor
-%
-DALLAS:
- The city that chose Astroturf to
- keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
-%
-Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
-%
-Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
-%
-Damn braces.
- -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
-%
-Damn, I need a Coke!
- -- Dr. William DeVries
- [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
-%
-DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
-%
-Dare to be naive.
- -- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
-Dark and lonely on a summer night
- Kill my landlord,
- Kill my landlord.
-The watchdog barkin'
-Do he bite?
- Kill my landlord,
- Kill my landlord.
-Slip in his window.
-Break his neck.
-Then his house I start to wreck
-Got no reason,
-What the heck?
- Kill my landlord,
- Kill my landlord.
- C-I-L-L my landlord!
- -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
-%
-Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
-opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
- -- Oliver Herford
-%
-Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
- -- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
-%
-DATA:
- An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
-%
-DATA:
- Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
- the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
-%
-Data is not information;
-Information is not knowledge;
-Knowledge is not wisdom;
- -- Gary Flake
-%
-Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
-Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
-%
-David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
-
- * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
- * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
- * Hourly motel rates
- * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
- * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
- like some countries we could mention
- * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
- * Our well-behaved golf professionals
- * Fabulous babes coast to coast
-%
-David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
-remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
-a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
-second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
-speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
-communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
-instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
-underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
-ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
-and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
-[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
-unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
- -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
-%
-Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
- The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
- 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
-%
-Davis's Dictum:
- Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
-%
-Dawn, n.:
- The time when men of reason go to bed.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
-%
-%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
--SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
-%
-DEADWOOD:
- Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
-%
-Dealing with failure is easy:
- Work hard to improve.
-Success is also easy to handle:
- You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
-%
-Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
-all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
- -- C. N. Parkinson
-%
-Dear Emily:
- How can I choose what groups to post in?
- -- Confused
-
-Dear Confused:
- Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
-all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
-should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
-Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
- Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
-that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
-expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
-header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
-the fringe groups.
- -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
- I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
-summarize. What should I do?
- -- Editor
-
-Dear Editor:
- Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
-that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
-replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
-summarizing a vote.
- -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
- I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
-What should I do?
- -- Doubtful
-
-Dear Doubtful:
- Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
-dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
-much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
-mail.
- -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
- I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
-I do?
- -- Angry
-
-Dear Angry:
- Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
-between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
-looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
-point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
-lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
- -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
- I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
-tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
-his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
-Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
- -- A Concerned Citizen
-
-Dear Concerned:
- Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
-experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
-will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
-represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
-act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
-society.
- Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
-like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
-understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
-literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
-possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
-they are always interested in good stories.
-%
-Dear Emily:
- I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
-to. How about an example?
- -- Still Confused
-
-Dear Still:
- Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
-the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
-would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
-big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
-as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
-news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
- The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
-He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
-interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
-soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
-news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
-interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
-well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
-there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
- You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
-group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
-will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
- -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily:
- Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
-What should I do?
- -- Forgetful
-
-Dear Forgetful:
- Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
-"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
-it is."
- Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
-(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
-signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
-about the signature anyway.
- -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Emily, what about test messages?
- -- Concerned
-
-Dear Concerned:
- It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
-merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
-ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
-a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
-but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
-by all USEnauts.
- -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Dear Freshman,
- You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
-unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
-prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
-mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
-%
-Dear Lord:
- I just want *_\bo_\bn_\be* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
-the other hand", again.
-%
-Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
-have to eat them.
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
- My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
-elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
-courses, is all right. Which is correct?
-
-Gentle Reader:
- For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
-economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
-of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
-correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
-I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
-rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
-This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
-protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
-soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
-and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
-umbrella without seeming insulting?
-
-Gentle Reader:
-Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
-although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
-attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
-Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
-before making your attack.
-%
-Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
-of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
-will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
-commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
-"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
-table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
-says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
-"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
-complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
-if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
-dead bat?
-
-Answer: Yes.
- -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
-%
-Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
-
-Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
-to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
-WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
-Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
-small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
-words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
- -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
-%
-Dear Ms. Postnews:
- I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
- should I do?
- -- Eager Beaver
-
-Dear Eager:
- No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
-read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
-posting it. All others please ignore."
- This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
-over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
-time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
-maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
-your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
-directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
-as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
- And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
-money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
-letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
- Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
-so post it as many places as you can.
- -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
-%
-Death before dishonor.
-But neither before breakfast.
-%
-Death comes on every passing breeze,
-He lurks in every flower;
-Each season has its own disease,
-Its peril -- every hour.
- -- Reginald Heber
-%
-Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
-%
-Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
-of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
- -- Erma Bombeck
-%
-Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
-%
-Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
- -- R. Geis
-%
-Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
-%
-Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
-%
-Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
-%
-Death is only a state of mind.
-
-Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
-%
-Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
-%
-Death to all fanatics!
-%
-DEATH WISH:
- The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
-%
-Debug is human, de-fix divine.
-%
-Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
-and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
-%
-DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
- -- Mel Ferentz
-%
-Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
-erra, n: A mistake.
-faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
-Linder, n: A female name.
-memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
-New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
-New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
-Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
-Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
-ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
- season is when the Knicks quit playing.
- -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
-%
-Decision maker, n.:
- The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
- before the music stopped.
-%
-Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
-whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
-not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
-or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
-(unless struck by a boomerang).
- -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
-%
-Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
- -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
-%
-Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
-that your life is more interesting than it really is.
- -- C. Schultz
-%
-"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
-marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
-quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
-claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
- -- Randy Davis
-%
-DEFAULT:
- The hardware's, of course.
-%
-Default, n.:
- [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
-mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
-come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
- -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
- -- Bill Musselman
-%
-#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
-#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
- - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
- - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
-
- -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
-%
-Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
-
- Hardware is what you kick;
- Software is what you curse.
-%
-Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
-%
-(defun NF (a c)
- (cond ((null c) () )
- ((atom (car c))
- (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
- (nf a (cddr c))))
- (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
-
-(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
- (cond
- ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
- (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
- (lessp challenging 7)) () )
- (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
- '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
- (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
- (car 2 caadr 4)))
- (list '851-5071x2661)))))
-;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
-%
-DEJA VU:
- French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
- Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
- something actually being encountered for the first time.
- Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
- something actually being encountered for the first time.
-%
-Delay is preferable to error.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
-
-Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to I/O system services.]
-%
-Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
-related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
-entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
-into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
-to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
-history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
-can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
-for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
-are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
- -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
-
-I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
-more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
-with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
-child.
- -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
-%
-Deliberation, n.:
- The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
- buttered on.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
-%
-Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
-skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
-to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
-overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
-apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
-as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
-steroid-free fitness center.
- -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
-%
-Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
-her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
-nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
-%
-Demand the establishment of the government
-in its rightful home at Disneyland.
-%
-Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
-we deserve.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
-aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
- -- Senator Soaper
-%
-Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
-incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
-don't think.
-%
-Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
-will get the blame.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-Democracy is also a form of worship.
-It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
- -- Jawaharlal Nehru
-%
-Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
- -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
-%
-Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
-of the people are right more than half of the time.
- -- E. B. White
-%
-Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
-deserve to get it good and hard.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
-%
-Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
-forms that have been tried from time to time.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-Democracy, n.:
- A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
-or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
-toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
-law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
-upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
-restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
-agitation, discontent, anarchy.
- -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
- since withdrawn.
-%
-Democracy, n.:
- In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
- -- Gerald Barry
-
-The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
-Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
-you don't have to waste your time voting.
- -- Charles Bukowski
-%
-Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
-Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
-
-Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
-The remainder is thrown out.
-
-Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
-
-Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
-Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
-
-Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
-windows by Democrats.
- -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
-%
-Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
-board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
-%
-Dental health is next to mental health.
-%
-Dentist, n.:
- A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
- pulls coins out of one's pockets.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Denver, n.:
- A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado.
-%
-Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
-%
-Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
-%
-Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
-%
-Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
-but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
- -- R. E. Shay
-%
-Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
-%
-Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
-und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
-%
-Design, v.:
- What you regret not doing later on.
-%
-Desist from enumerating your fowl
-prior to their emergence from the shell.
-%
-Despising machines to a man,
-The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
- And ride out by night
- In a sheeting of white
-To lynch all the robots they can.
- -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
-%
-Despite all appearances, your boss
-is a thinking, feeling, human being.
-%
-Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
-be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
-the table.
- -- The Anarchist Cookbook
-%
-Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
-don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
- -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
-%
-Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
-%
-DeVries' Dilemma:
- If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
- the one you don't want hits the paper.
-%
-Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
-fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
- -- L. Ron Hubbard
-%
-Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
- Some do, some don't.
-%
-Did I say 2? I lied.
-%
-Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
-and slim chance mean the same thing?
-%
-Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
-has already been born?
- -- Benny Hill
-%
-Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
-that's how dogs spend their lives.
- -- Sue Murphy
-%
-Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
-%
-Did you hear about the model who sat
-on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
-%
-Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
-Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
-
-Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
-%
-Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
-the number zero?
-
-Is nothing sacred?
-%
-Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
-only recaptured 116 of them?
-%
-Did you know?
- EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
- APPROXIMATELY
- 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
- KILLED
-
- Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
- "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
- -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
-
-A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
-
- SPONSORED BY
- Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
- Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
- Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
- Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
-
-Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
-%
-Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
-selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
-try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
-select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
-set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
-should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
-%
-Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
- -- P. J. Plauger
-%
-Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
-them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
-%
-Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
-that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
-
- "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
- squirrel."
-
- -- ihuxw!tommyo
-%
-Did you know the University of Iowa
-closed down after someone stole the book?
-%
-Did you know....
-
-That no-one ever reads these things?
-%
-Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
-Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
-It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
-Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
- -- Lovin' Spoonful
-%
-Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
-%
-Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
-would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
- -- John Barrymore's dying words
-%
-Die, v.:
- To stop sinning suddenly.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
- -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
-%
-Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
-%
-Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
-%
-Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
- -- Don Vonada
-%
-Dignity is like a flag.
-It flaps in a storm.
- -- Roy Mengot
-%
-Dime is money.
-%
-Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
-only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
-for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
-%
-Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
-%
-Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
- 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
- 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
- 1 carton milk
-%
-Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
-%
-Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
-truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
-%
-Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
-asked him, after a few days.
- "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
-%
-Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
-Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
- -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
-%
-Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
- -- Daniele Vare
-%
-Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
- -- Wynn Catlin
-%
-Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
- -- Balfour
-%
-Diplomacy, n.:
- Lying in state.
-%
-Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
-
- 1: Get elected.
- 2: Get re-elected.
- 3: Don't get mad, get even.
- -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
-%
-Disbar, n.:
- As distinguished from some other bar.
-%
-Disc space -- the final frontier!
-%
-Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
-employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
-coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
-non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
-absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
-The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
-the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
-non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
-%
-Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
-yours too."
- -- Dave Haynie
-%
-DISCLAIMER:
-Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
-an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
-%
-Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
-%
-Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
-%
-Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
- -- Euripides
-%
-Disk crisis, please clean up!
-%
-Disks travel in packs.
-%
-Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
-Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
-%
-Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
-but it does make you part of a larger picture.
-%
-Distinctive, adj.:
- A different color or shape than our competitors.
-%
-Distress, n.:
- A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
-injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
-damage inflicted on the vehicle.
-%
-Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
-acquaintance and without any visible reason.
- -- Lord Chesterfield
-%
-Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
-%
-Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
- -- Cary Grant
-%
-Do clones have navels?
-%
-Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
- -- Amy Gorin
-%
-Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
-%
-Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
-%
-Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
-%
-Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
-%
-Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
- -- Aesop
-%
-Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
-your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
-a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
-cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
-of them ever committed suicide.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
-Their tastes may not be the same.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
-%
-Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein
-%
-Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
-%
-Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
-with ketchup.
-%
-Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
-for they become soggy and hard to light.
-
-Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
-for they are subtle and quick to anger.
-%
-Do not overtax your powers.
-%
-Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
-Violators will be prosecuted.
-(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
-%
-Do not seek death; death will find you.
-But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
- -- Dag Hammarskjold
-%
-Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
-%
-Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
-%
-Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
-%
-Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
-learn to dread each day as it comes.
- -- Donald Kaul
-%
-Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
-%
-Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
-word "lies".
- -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
-%
-Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
-%
-Do not worry about which side your
-bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
-%
-Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
-%
-Do, or do not; there is no try.
-%
-Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
-%
-Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
-%
-Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
-%
-Do unto others before they undo you.
-%
-Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
-%
-Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
- -- Aleister Crowley
-%
-Do what you can to prolong your life,
-in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
-%
-Do you believe in intuition?
-No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
-%
-Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
-Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
-Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
-Can you see your neck?
-Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
-If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
-This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
- ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
- -- Garfield
-%
-Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
-%
-Do you have lysdexia?
-%
-Do YOU have redeeming social value?
-%
-Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
-I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
-think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
-think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
-like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
-fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
-to think at all.
- -- T. H. White
-%
-Do you know Montana?
-%
-Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
-is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
- -- Pete Seeger
-%
-Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
-answer, but a certain wrong answer?
- -- Tobaben
-%
-Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
-between Nixon and the White House.
- -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
-%
-Do you suffer painful elimination?
- -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
-
-Do you suffer painful recrimination?
- -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
-
-Do you suffer painful illumination?
- -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
-
-Do you suffer painful hallucination?
- -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
-%
-Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-%
-Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
-just whipped out a quarter?
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-Do you think your mother and I should have lived
-comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
-%
-Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
-your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
-your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
-Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
-Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
- -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
-%
-Do your otters do the shimmy?
-Do they like to shake their tails?
-Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
-Is your garden full of snails?
-%
-Do your part to help preserve life on
-Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
-%
-Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
-little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
- -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
-%
-Documentation:
- Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
- speaking persons.
-%
-Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
-when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
- -- Dick Brandon
-%
-Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
-be good because the programmers hate it so much.
-%
-Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
-Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
-Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
-Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
-%
-Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-%
-Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
-and the rest of us.
-%
-Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
-%
-Doing gets it done.
-%
-Don
-Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
- Was she pretty?
-W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
- bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
- to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
-Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
-W. C.: It's almost impossible.
- -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
- Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
-%
-Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
-%
-Don't abandon hope.
-Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
-%
-Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
-have got him.
-%
-Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
-It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
-Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
-I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
-%
-Don't be humble, you're not that great.
- -- Golda Meir
-%
-Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
-%
-Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
-%
-Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
-%
-Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
-than I have to.
- -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
-%
-Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
- -- Joe Cointment
-%
-Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
-%
-Don't confuse things that need action
-with those that take care of themselves.
-%
-Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
-%
-Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
- -- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
-%
-Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
- -- Josh Billings
-%
-Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
- -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
-%
-Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
-%
-Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
- -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
-%
-Don't eat yellow snow.
-%
-Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
-%
-Don't everyone thank me at once!
- -- Han Solo
-%
-Don't expect people to keep in step--
-it's hard enough just staying in line.
-%
-Don't feed the bats tonight.
-%
-Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
- -- Anthony
-%
-Don't get even, get odd.
-%
-Don't get mad, get even.
- -- Joseph P. Kennedy
-
-Don't get even, get jewelry.
- -- Anonymous
-%
-Don't get mad, get interest.
-%
-Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
-%
-Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
-can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
- -- Dave Storer
-%
-Don't get to bragging.
-%
-Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
-The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
-%
-Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
- -- Baretta
-%
-Don't guess - check your security regulations.
-%
-Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
-%
-Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
-%
-Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
-%
-Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
-%
-Don't I know you?
-%
-Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
-%
-Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
- -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
-%
-Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
-%
-Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
-%
-Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
-%
-Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
-Probably soon after she throws me out.
-%
-Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
-until you have hold of something else.
- -- First Rule of Wing Walking
-%
-Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
-don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
-don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
-or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
-remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
-you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
- -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
-%
-Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
-%
-Don't let your status become too quo!
-%
-Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
-%
-Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
-%
-Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
-%
-Don't lose
-Your head
-To gain a minute
-You need your head
-Your brains are in it.
- -- Burma Shave
-%
-Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
-%
-Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
- -- Scottish proverb
-%
-Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
-%
-Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it.
- -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
-%
-Don't plan any hasty moves.
-You'll be evicted soon anyway.
-%
-Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
-if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
-%
-Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Don't quit now, we might just as well
-lock the door and throw away the key.
-%
-Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
-%
-Don't read everything you believe.
-%
-Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
-%
-Don't remember what you can infer.
- -- Harry Tennant
-%
-Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
- -- Darryl F. Zanuck
-%
-Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
-%
-Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
-%
-Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
-%
-Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
-%
-Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
-%
-Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
-Cheat.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
-%
-Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
- -- "Brazil"
-%
-Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
- -- P. Skelly
-%
-Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
- -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
-%
-Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
-%
-Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
-Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
-sodomy and the lash.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
-%
-Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
- -- James J. Ling
-%
-Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
-get more wax!!
-%
-Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
-I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
- -- Watchman Examiner
-%
-Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
-%
-Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
-with my breakfast cereal.
- -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
-%
-Don't vote - it only encourages them!
-%
-Don't wake me up too soon...
-Gonna take a ride across the moon...
-You and me.
-%
-Don't worry. Life's too long.
- -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
-%
-Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
-%
-Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
-avoiding you.
- -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
-%
-Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
-are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
- -- Howard Aiken
-%
-Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
-It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- -- Charles Schultz
-%
-Don't Worry, Be Happy.
- -- Meher Baba
-%
-Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
-you can always take something for it.
-%
-Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
-They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
-%
-Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
-%
-Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
-%
-Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
-want to help you could agree with each other?
-%
-Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
-%
-Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
-Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
- awful lot of talking, don't they?
- -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Double!
-%
-Double Bucky, you're the one,
-You make my keyboard so much fun,
-Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
-Control and meta, side by side,
-Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
-Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
-
-Oh, I sure wish that I,
-Had a couple of bits more!
-Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
-
-Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
-OR'd together, outta sight!
-Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
-Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
-Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
- -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
- be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
- by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
-%
-Double-blind Experiment, n.:
- An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
-fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
-by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
-%
-Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
- -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
-%
-Down to the Banana Republics,
-Down to the tropical sun.
-Go the expatriated Americans,
-Hoping to find some fun.
-Some of them go for the sailing,
-Caught by the lure of the sea.
-Trying to find what is ailing,
-Living in the land of the free.
-Some of them are running from lovers,
-Leaving no forward address.
-Some of them are running tons of ganja,
-Some are running from the IRS.
-Late at night you will find them,
-In the cheap hotels and bars.
-Hustling the senoritas,
-While they dance beneath the stars.
- -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
-%
-Down with the categorical imperative!
-%
-Dow's Law:
- In a hierarchical organization,
- the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
-%
-Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
-by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
-of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
-time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
-kill him.
- -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
-%
-Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
-
-The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
-that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
-Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
-luxury that you never feel hungry.
-
-Here's how the diet works:
-
- FOODS ALLOWED
-First Month: One egg
-Second Month: A raisin
-Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
-
-If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
-lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
-%
-Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
-%
-Dr. Livingston?
-Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
-%
-Drakenberg's Discovery:
- If you can't seem to find your glasses,
- it's probably because you don't have them on.
-%
-Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
-%
-Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
-%
-Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
-%
-Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
- The first bug to hit a clean windshield
- lands directly in front of your eyes.
-%
-Drilling for oil is boring.
-%
-Drink and dance and laugh and lie
-Love, the reeling midnight through
-For tomorrow we shall die!
-(But, alas, we never do.)
- -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
-%
-Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_\bi_\bs* fun trying.
-%
-Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
-instant motor skills.
- -- Marc Price
-%
-Drinking is not a spectator sport.
- -- Jim Brosnan
-%
-Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
-with, that it's compounding a felony.
- -- Robert Benchley
-%
-Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
-that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
- -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
-%
-Drive defensively, buy a tank.
-%
-Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
-avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
-jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
-brush after them.
-%
-Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
-of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
-seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
-priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
-"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
-life!"
-%
-Drop that pickle!
-%
-DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
- -- The Adventurer
-%
-Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
- -- The Adventurer
-%
-Drug, n.:
- A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
- paper.
-%
-Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
-%
-Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
-lot a poker.
- -- Karyl Roosevelt
-%
-Ducharme's Axiom:
- If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
- yourself as part of the problem.
-%
-Ducharme's Precept:
- Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
-%
-Duckies are fun!
-%
-Ducks? What ducks??
-%
-Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
-and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- -- Carl Zwanzig
-%
-Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
-production of great leaders has been discontinued.
-%
-Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
-fate and captain of your soul.
-%
-Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
-discontinued.
-%
-Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
-%
-During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
-been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
-pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
-in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
- -- James Madison
-%
-During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
-times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
-%
-During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
-
-Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
- perform as president?"
-Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
- inexperience."
-%
-During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
-fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
-and fly your colors proudly.
-%
-Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
-Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
- -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
-%
-Duty, n.:
- What one expects from others.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
-nothing whatever to do with it.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
-%
-Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
- -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
-%
-Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
-%
-E Pluribus UNIX.
-%
-Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
-%
-Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
- -- Kernighan
-%
-Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
-Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
-worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
-imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
-typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
-the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
-corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
-Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
-in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
-offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
-a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
-then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
-company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
-competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
-orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
- -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
-%
-Each of us bears his own Hell.
- -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
-in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
-university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
-3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
-%
-Each person has the right to take the subway.
-%
-Eagleson's Law:
- Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
-months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
-an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
-%
-EARL GREY PROFILES
-
-NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
-OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
-AGE: 94
-BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
-EYES: Grey
-SKIN: Tanned
-HAIR: Not much
-LAST MAGAZINE READ:
- Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
-TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
-
-EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
-%
-Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
-science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
-21st century aircraft:
-
- "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
- nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
- pilot if he touches anything.
- -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
-%
-Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
-be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
-%
-Early to rise and early to bed makes
-a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
- -- James Thurber
-%
-Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
-%
-Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
-%
-/earth: file system full.
-%
-/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
-%
-Earth is a beta site.
-%
-Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
- -- Jeff Berner
-%
-Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
- Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
-cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
-the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
-means the puzzle is solved.
- -- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Easy come and easy go,
- some call me easy money,
-Sometimes life is full of laughs,
- and sometimes it ain't funny
-You may think that I'm a fool
- and sometimes that is true,
-But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
- with or without you.
- -- Hoyt Axton
-%
-Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
- -- Harry Secombe's diet
-%
-Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
-%
-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
-%
-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
-%
-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
-%
-Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
-will happen to you the rest of the day.
-
-[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
-%
-Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
-%
-Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
-%
-Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
-%
-Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
- -- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Economics, n.:
- Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Economies of scale:
- The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
- a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
- biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
- by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
- as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
- those limitations.
-%
-Economist, n.:
- Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
- personality to become an accountant.
-%
-Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
-turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
- -- Robert Orben
-%
-Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
-percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
- -- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-Editing is a rewording activity.
-%
-Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
-demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
- -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
-%
-Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
-time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
- -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
-%
-Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
- -- Daniel J. Boorstin
-%
-Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
- -- Irwin Edman
-%
-Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
- -- B. F. Skinner
-%
-Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
-to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
-of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
-royal-blue chickens.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
- -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
-%
-Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson
-%
-Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
-people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
-comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
-the "nog" comes from.
-
-To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
-season, eggs...
-%
-Ego sum ens omnipotens
-%
-Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
-to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
- -- Bellamy Brooks
-%
-Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
-%
-Egotism, n.:
- Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
-%
-Egotist, n.:
- A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
-%
-Ehrman's Commentary:
- (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
- (2) Who said things would get better?
-%
-...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
-original joy his falling in love with Ada.
- -- Nabokov
-%
-Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
-God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
-engineer.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
-%
-Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
- -- Groucho Marx' last words
-%
-Elbonics, v.:
- The actions of two people maneuvering for one
- armrest in a movie theatre.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Eleanor Rigby
-Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
-Lives in a dream
-Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
- make the machine do some more.
-What is it for?
-
-All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
-All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
-
-Hacker MacKensie
-Writing the code for a program that no one will run
-It's nearly done
-Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
- nobody there.
-What does he care?
-
-All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
-All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
-Ah, look at all the lonely users.
-Ah, look at all the lonely users.
-%
-ELECTRIC JELL-O
-
-2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
-2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
-1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
-
-Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
- fully dissolved.
-Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
-Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
- glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
-Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
-Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
- the faint of heart.
-Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
-Cut into squares and enjoy!
-
-WARNING:
- Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
- children under eight years of age.
-%
-Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
-%
-Electrocution, n.:
- Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
-%
-Elegance and truth are inversely related.
- -- Becker's Razor
-%
-Elephant, n.:
- A mouse built to government specifications.
-%
-Elevators smell different to midgets.
-%
-Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
- In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
- frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
- are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
- minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
- compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
- lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
- of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
-%
-Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
-In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
- "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
-Half asleep, Eli murmured,
- "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
-%
-Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
-%
-Elliptical, n.:
- The feel of a kiss.
-%
-Eloquence is logic on fire.
-%
-Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
-Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
-%
-Emacs, n.:
- A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
-%
-Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
- Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
- what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
- for it.
-%
-Encyclopedia for sale by father.
-Son knows everything.
-%
-Encyclopedia Salesmen:
- Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
- and tell them your house is being burgled.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
-Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
- -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
-%
-Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
-Endless the quest;
-I turn again, back to my own beginning,
-And here, find rest.
-%
-Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
-property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
-of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
- -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
-%
-Engineering: "How will this work?"
-Science: "Why will this work?"
-Management: "When will this work?"
-Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
-%
-English literature's performing flea.
- -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
-%
-Engram, n.:
- 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
-2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
-in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
-of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
-psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
-and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
-conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
-thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
-was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
-ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
-time.]
- -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
- 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
-%
-Enhance, v.:
- To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
-%
-Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
-%
-Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
-%
-Entrepreneur, n.:
- A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
- be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
-%
-Entropy isn't what it used to be.
-%
-Entropy requires no maintenance.
- -- Markoff Chaney
-%
-Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
- -- Onasander
-%
-Envy, n.:
- Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
- instead of having to try and acquire one.
-%
-Enzymes are things invented by biologists
-that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
- -- Jerome Lettvin
-%
-Epperson's law:
- When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
- something his wife can beat him at.
-%
-Equal bytes for women.
-%
-Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
- -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
-%
-Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
- "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
-%
-Error in operator: add beer
-%
-Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
- Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
-Und aller-m"\bumsige Burggoven
- Dir mohmen R"\bath ausgraben.
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
-Eschew obfuscation.
-%
-Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
- -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
-%
-E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
-%
-Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
- -- Tom Stoppard
-%
-Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
-fashion for those with no taste.
-%
-Etymology, n.:
- Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
- were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
- formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
- and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
- hard to swallow."
- -- Mike Kellen
-%
-Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
-Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
-%
-Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
-the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
-Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
-Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
-Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
-Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
-make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
-them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
-a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
-the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
-they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
-over roulette.
- -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
-%
-Eureka!
- -- Archimedes
-%
-Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
-%
-Even a cabbage may look at a king.
-%
-Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
-%
-Even a man who is pure at heart,
-And says his prayers at night
-Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
-And the moon is full and bright.
- -- The Wolf Man, 1941
-%
-Even God cannot change the past.
- -- Joseph Stalin
-%
-Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
- -- Menander
-%
-Even if you do learn to speak correct
-English, whom are you going to speak it to?
- -- Clarence Darrow
-%
-Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
- -- Aristophanes
-%
-Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
-When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
-Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
-And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
-Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
-To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
-Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
-I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
-I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
-Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
-A fairer summer and a later fall
-Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
-And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
-I tell you this across the blackened vine.
- -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
- Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
-%
-Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
-%
-Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
- -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
-States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
-day.
-%
-Events are not affected, they develop.
- -- Sri Aurobindo
-%
-Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
-%
-Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
-bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
-%
-Ever get the feeling that the world's
-on tape and one of the reels is missing?
- -- Rich Little
-%
-Ever notice that even the busiest people are
-never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
-%
-Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
-Simple coincidence?
-Maybe...
-%
-Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
-That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
-We're big but bigger we will be,
-We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
-Has been our aim.
-Our products now are known in every zone.
-Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
-We've fought our way thru
-And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
-For the Ever Onward IBM!
- -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
-%
-Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
-We're bound for the top to never fall,
-Right here and now we thankfully
-Pledge sincerest loyalty
-To the corporation that's the best of all
-Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
-Let's show the world just what we think of them!
-So let us sing men -- Sing men
-Once or twice, then sing again
-For the Ever Onward IBM!
- -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
-%
-Ever since I was a young boy,
-I've hacked the ARPA net,
-From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
-Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
-But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
-On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
-That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
-Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
- That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
- Sure sends a mean packet.
-He's a UNIX wizard,
-There has to be a twist.
-The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
-Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
-How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
-I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
-What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
- The proper bit flags set,
- That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
- Sure sends a mean packet.
- -- UNIX Wizard
-%
-Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
-exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
-All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
-spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
-Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
-take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
-My wife is available. No. How about ..."
- -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
-%
-Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
-%
-Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
-
-Because newspapers are read too.
-Two and Two is four.
-Four and four is eight.
-Eight and four is twelve.
-There are twelve inches in a ruler.
-Queen Mary was a ruler.
-Queen Mary was a ship.
-Ships sail the sea.
-There are fishes in the sea.
-Fishes have fins.
-The Fins fought the Russians.
-Russians are red.
-Fire engines are always rush'n.
-Therefore fire engines are red.
-%
-Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
-technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
-The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
-computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long
-Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
-trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
-one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
-"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
-there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
-computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
-ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
-anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
-said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
-them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
-Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
-question."
- [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
- regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
-%
-Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
-the last but one.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
-%
-Every cloud engenders not a storm.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Every cloud has a silver lining;
-you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
-%
-Every country has the government it deserves.
- -- Joseph De Maistre
-%
-Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
-%
-Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
-%
-Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
-%
-Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
-woman and stop her.
-%
-Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
-idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
-sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
-of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
-highly-motivated, caustic twits.
- -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
-%
-Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
-signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
-fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
-spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
-genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
-of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
-humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
- -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
-%
-Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
-
-Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
-front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
-odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
-and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
-legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
-there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
-of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
-color"], that does not exist.
-%
-Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
- -- Frank Moore Colby
-%
-Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
-%
-Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
- -- Don Vonada
-%
-Every love's the love before
-In a duller dress.
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
-%
-Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
-%
-Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
-or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
-Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
-only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
-subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
-own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
-by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
-philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
-but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
-in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
- -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
-%
-Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Every man takes the limits of his own field
-of vision for the limits of the world.
- -- Schopenhauer
-%
-Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
-and powerful know that he is.
- -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
-%
-Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
-that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
-and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
-essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
-inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
-forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
- -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
-%
-Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
-it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
- -- Barrie
-%
-Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the
-richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
- -- Robert Orben
-%
-Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
-than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
-It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
-It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
-up, you'd better be running.
-%
-Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
-%
-Every night my prayers I say,
- And get my dinner every day;
-And every day that I've been good,
- I get an orange after food.
-The child that is not clean and neat,
- With lots of toys and things to eat,
-He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
- Or else his dear papa is poor.
- -- Robert Louis Stevenson
-%
-Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
-
-It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
-%
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
-start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
-then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
-music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
-Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
-But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
-when they aren't.
-
- When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
- When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
- When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
- When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
-%
-Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
-the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
-sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
- -- Morris Kline
-%
-Every path has its puddle.
-%
-Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
-drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
- -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
-instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
-can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
-%
-Every program has (at least) two purposes:
- the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
-%
-Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
-%
-Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
-%
-Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
-eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
-bend a disk.
- -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
- commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
- of their movement.
-%
-Every solution breeds new problems.
-%
-Every successful person has had failures
-but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
-%
-Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
- -- Jean Baechler
-%
-Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
-%
-Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
-%
-Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
-%
-Every time you manage to close the door on
-Reality, it comes in through the window.
-%
-Every why hath a wherefore.
- -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
-%
-Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
- -- Beckett
-%
-Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
-the best one.
- -- Jack Hurley
-%
-Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
-called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
-the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
-otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
-and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
-Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
- "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
-a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
-you're fired. As of right now."
- Sam signed the papers immediately.
- "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
-couldn't have signed earlier?"
- "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
-clearly before."
-%
-Everybody has something to conceal.
- -- Humphrey Bogart
-%
-Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
-if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
-%
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
-fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
-good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
-poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
-
-Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
-lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
-just died.
-
-Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
-and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
-
-Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
-do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
-two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
-you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
-
-And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
-And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
-Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
-for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
- -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
-%
-Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
- -- Arthur Miller
-%
-Everybody needs a little love sometime;
-stop hacking and fall in love!
-%
-Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
-%
-Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
-to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
-%
-Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
-%
-Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
-%
-Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
-realize it.
-%
-Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
-%
-Everyone is in the best seat.
- -- John Cage
-%
-Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
- -- Rudyard Kipling
-%
-Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
-formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
-scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
-wholly unconcerned with what _\bd_\bo_\be_\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
-existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
-discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
-problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
-mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
-one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
-different way ...
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _\bd_\bo_\be_\bs anything about it.
-%
-Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
-to get them.
- -- Dirty Harry
-%
-Everyone was born right-handed.
-Only the greatest overcome it.
-%
-Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
- 1. They want it quick.
- 2. They want it good.
- 3. They want it cheap.
-I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
- -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
-%
-Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
-%
-Everything bows to success, even grammar.
-%
-Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
-%
-Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
-%
-Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
- -- Alexander Woollcott
-%
-Everything in this book may be wrong.
- -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Everything is controlled by a small evil group
-to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
-%
-Everything is possible. Pass the word.
- -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
-%
-Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
-that a belch is more satisfying.
- -- Ingmar Bergman
-%
-Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
-something you know.
- -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
- June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
-%
-Everything might be different in the present
-if only one thing had been different in the past.
-%
-Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
-%
-Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
- -- Erwin Tomash
-%
-Everything that can be invented has been invented.
- -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
-%
-Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
-%
-Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
-%
-Everything you know is wrong!
-%
-Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
-rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
- -- Erwin Knoll
-%
-Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
-obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
-solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
-There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
-straight lines.
- -- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
-Everything's great in this good old world;
-(This is the stuff they can always use.)
-God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
-(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
-Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
-Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
-Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
-(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
- -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
-%
-Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
-opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
-that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- -- Flannery O'Connor
-%
-Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
-Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
-Everyone is looking for the answer,
-Well look again.
- -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
-%
-Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
-of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Evolution is a million line computer
-program falling into place by accident.
-%
-Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
-the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
-evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
-doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
-life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
-as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
-respect to theories about how the process operates.
- -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
-%
-Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
-even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
- -- C. C. Colton
-%
-Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
-It is the only thing.
- -- Albert Schweitzer
-%
-Excellent day for drinking heavily.
-Spike the office water cooler.
-%
-Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
-%
-Excellent day to have a rotten day.
-%
-Excellent time to become a missing person.
-%
-Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
- -- Miller
-%
-Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
-customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
-
-Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
-Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
-%
-Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
-
-....
-- none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
-screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
-comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
-%
-Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
-acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility.
-%
-Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
-%
-Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
- -- Marcus Aurelius
-%
-Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
-the work.
- -- John G. Pollard
-%
-Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
-%
-Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
-%
-Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
-and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
-%
-Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
-%
-Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
-%
-Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
-%
-Expedience is the best teacher.
-%
-Expense accounts, n.:
- Corporate food stamps.
-%
-Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
- -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
-%
-Experience is not what happens to you;
-it is what you do with what happens to you.
- -- Aldous Huxley
-%
-Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
-you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- -- Franklin Jones
-%
-Experience is the worst teacher. It always
-gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
-%
-Experience is what causes a person
-to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
-%
-Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
-%
-Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
-particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
- -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
-%
-Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
-%
-Expert, n.:
- Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
-%
-External Security:
-%
-Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
-
- NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
-
-To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
-cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
-corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
-address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
-to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
-left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
-below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
-computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
-SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
-(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
-Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
-disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
-this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
-completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
-%
-Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
-of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
-but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
-that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
-argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
-and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
-neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
-handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
-than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
-offer more plausible alternatives.
- -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
- Implications for Psi Phenomena".
-%
-Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
-%
-Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
-of justice is no virtue.
- -- Barry Goldwater
-%
-F: When into a room I plunge, I
- Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
- Then I linger, darkly brooding
- On the poison they're exuding.
- -- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
- "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
-Hemingway:
- "Yes. They have more money."
-%
-f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
-%
-f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
-%
-f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
-%
-FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
-%
-Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
-%
-Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
- -- Sven Italla
-%
-Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
-%
-Facts are the enemy of truth.
- -- Don Quixote
-%
-Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
- -- Aldous Huxley
-%
-Failed Attempts To Break Records
- In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
-the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
-he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
-doesn't even shout at me."
- In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
-record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
- His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
-after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
-"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
- In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
-the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
-drone got waterlogged," he said.
- A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
-dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
-had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
-%
-Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
- -- Sir Walter Raleigh
-%
-Fairy Tale, n.:
- A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
-%
-Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
-%
-Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
-ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
-the doubt that moved all the mountains.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
-on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
-%
-Faith is under the left nipple.
- -- Martin Luther
-%
-Faith, n.:
- That quality which enables us to
- believe what we know to be untrue.
-%
-Fakir, n.:
- A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
- religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
- seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
-%
-Falling in Love
- When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
-love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
-light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
-and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
-these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
-good idea to check with your doctor.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-Falling in love is a lot like dying.
-You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
-%
-Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
-restraint.
- -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
-%
-Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
-the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
-autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
- -- Marlo Thomas
-%
-Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
-%
-Familiarity breeds attempt.
-%
-Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Families, when a child is born
-Want it to be intelligent.
-I, through intelligence,
-Having wrecked my whole life,
-Only hope the baby will prove
-Ignorant and stupid.
-Then he will crown a tranquil life
-By becoming a Cabinet Minister
- -- Su Tung-p'o
-%
-Famous, adj.:
- Conspicuously miserable.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Famous last words:
-%
-Famous last words:
- 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
- 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
- 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
- 4: We won't need reservations.
- 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
- 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
- 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
- 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
-%
-Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
-forgotten your aim.
- -- George Santayana
-%
-Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
-former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
-
-Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
-reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
-were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
-and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
-from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
-deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
-was the Empire forged.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
-%
-Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
-Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
-Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
-utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
-forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
-are a pretty neat idea ...
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
-stressful than divorce.
- -- Wall Street Journal
-%
-Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
-it every six months.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
- -- Victor Hugo
-%
-Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
-%
-Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
- -- Han Solo
-%
-Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
- -- Bill Cosby
-%
-Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
-%
-Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
-%
-Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
-Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
-%
-Fats Loves Madelyn.
-%
-Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
-Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
- -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
-%
-FEAR:
- What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
-%
-Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-Fear is the greatest salesman.
- -- Robert Klein
-%
-Feature, n.:
- A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
- call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
- consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
- not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
- a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
-%
-Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
-potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
-disadvantaged.
-%
-Feel disillusioned?
-I've got some great new illusions, right here!
-%
-Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
-it's Microsoft!"
-%
-Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
-An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
-Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
-Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
-I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
-A singular development of cat communications
-That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
-For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
-A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
-You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
-And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
-It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
-Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
-Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
-And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
-I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
- -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
-%
-Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
-you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
-to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
-other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the
-list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
-yours to the bottom of the list.
-
-Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
-Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
-his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
-out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
-build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
-this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
-her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
-
-Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
-%
-Female rabbits:
- The gift that just "keeps on giving."
-%
-Fenderberg, n.:
- The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
- of car fenders during snowstorms.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Ferguson's Precept:
- A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
-%
-Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
-didn't have any children, neither will you.
-%
-Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
- a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
-Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
- basic difference between robots and humans?
-Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
-Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
- -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
-%
-Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Fidelity, n.:
- A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
-%
-Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
-Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
-Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
-Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
- -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
-%
-Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
- If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
-Corollary:
- If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
-%
-Fifth Law of Procrastination:
- Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
-there is nothing important to do.
-%
-Fifty flippant frogs
-Walked by on flippered feet
-And with their slime they made the time
-Unnaturally fleet.
-%
-Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
-Carolina.
-%
-File cabinet:
- A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
-%
-Filibuster, n.:
- Throwing your wait around.
-%
-Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
- -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
-Finagle's Creed:
- Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
-%
-Finagle's Eighth Law:
- If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-
-Finagle's Ninth Law:
- No matter what results are expected,
- someone is always willing to fake it.
-
-Finagle's Tenth Law:
- No matter what the result someone
- is always eager to misinterpret it.
-
-Finagle's Eleventh Law:
- No matter what occurs, someone believes
- it happened according to his pet theory.
-%
-Finagle's First Law:
- To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
-
-Finagle's Second Law:
- Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
-
-Finagle's Fourth Law:
- Once a job is fouled up,
- anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
-
-Finagle's Fifth Law:
- Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
-
-Finagle's Sixth Law:
- Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
-%
-Finagle's Second Law:
- No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
- someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or
- (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
-%
-Finagle's Seventh Law:
- The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
-%
-Finagle's Third Law:
- In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
- beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
-
-Corollaries:
- 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
- 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
- don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
-%
-Finality is death.
-Perfection is finality.
-Nothing is perfect.
-There are lumps in it.
-%
-Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
-on a rock.
- -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
-%
-Fine day for friends.
-So-so day for you.
-%
-Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
-%
-Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
-%
-Fine's Corollary:
- Functionality breeds Contempt.
-%
-Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
-
- "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
-
-Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
-
- P.O. Box 35
- Baffled Greek, Michigan
-%
-Finster's Law:
-A closed mouth gathers no feet.
-%
-First, a few words about tools.
-
-Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
-the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
-injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
-you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
-particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
-granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
- Machines that piss people off get murdered.
- -- Pat Taber
-%
-First Law of Bicycling:
- No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
-%
-First law of debate:
- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
-%
-First Law of Procrastination:
- Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
- for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
- imposed the deadline).
-%
-First Law of Socio-Genetics:
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
-%
-First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
-self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
- -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
-%
-First Rule of History:
- History doesn't repeat itself --
- historians merely repeat each other.
-%
-First rule of public speaking.
- First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
- then tell 'em;
- then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
-%
-First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
-But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
-Dial-A-Wombat.
- It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
-call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
-phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
- Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
-the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
- But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
- The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
-bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
- Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
-another phone booth.
- There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
- The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
-released it, too, in the scrub.
- But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
-telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
- After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
-and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
- Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
-telephone booths.
- -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
-%
-First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.
- -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
-%
-"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
-"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
-and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
-trees to prove their manhood.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-Fishbowl, n.:
- A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
- promoted managers are kept for observation.
-%
-Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
- -- Jimmy Cannon
-%
-Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
- -- Adolfo Guzman
-%
-Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
- -- Robert Firth
-%
-Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
-Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
-I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
-And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
-Yes, I'm goin' insane,
-And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
-Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
- Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
- Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
- Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
-You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
-You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
-Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
-That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
-Yes, and goin' insane,
-You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
-Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
-(chorus)
- -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
-%
-Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
-were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
-had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
-"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
-the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
-"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
-Irish Political History".
-%
-Five rules for eternal misery:
- 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
- 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
- treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
- 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
- 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
- how much better things might have been or how much worse
- things might become).
- 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
- follow the first four rules.
-%
-Flame on!
- -- Johnny Storm
-%
-Flannister, n.:
- The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Flappity, floppity, flip
-The mouse on the m"\bobius strip;
- The strip revolved,
- The mouse dissolved
-In a chronodimensional skip.
-%
-FLASH!
-Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
-Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
-%
-Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
- -- Josh Billings
-%
-Flattery will get you everywhere.
-%
-Flee at once, all is discovered.
-%
-Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-Flon's Law:
- There is not now, and never will be, a language in
- which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
-%
-Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
-husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
-joules!"
-
-"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
-a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
-
-"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
-in my burette ... We must call a copper."
-
-Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
-said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
-of Lawrence Ium.
-
-"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
-dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
-catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
-activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
- -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
-%
-Flowchart, n. & v.:
- [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
-"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
-1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
-problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
-using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
-doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
-wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
-thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
-Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
-flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
-(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
- -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Flugg's Law:
- When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
- that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
-%
-Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
-%
-Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
-Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
-%
-Flying saucers on occasion
- Show themselves to human eyes.
-Aliens fume, put off invasion
- While they brand these tales as lies.
-%
-Fog Lamps, n.:
- Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
- of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
- driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
-%
-Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
-tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored.
- -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
- commenting on rumors of womanizing.
-%
-Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
- -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
-%
-Foolproof Operation:
- No provision for adjustment.
-%
-Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
-%
-Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
-a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
-%
-Football combines the two worst features of American life.
-It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
- -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
-%
-Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
- -- Jimmy Breslin
-%
-For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
-%
-For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
-%
-For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
-%
-For a light heart lives long.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
-cat.
-%
-For adult education nothing beats children.
-%
-For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
-women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
-religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
-The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
-known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
-prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
-misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
- -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
-%
-For an adequate time call 555-3321.
-%
-For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
-since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
-%
-For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
-For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
-%
-For courage mounteth with occasion.
- -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
-%
-For every bloke who makes his mark,
-there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
- -- Andy Capp
-%
-For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
-and wrong.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
- -- R. Clopton
-%
-For every human problem, there is a neat,
-plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
-you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
-not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
-that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
-when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
-1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
-'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
- -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
-%
-For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
-%
-For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
-and cook.
- -- Quentin Crisp
-%
-For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
- -- Alexander Pope
-%
-For gin, in cruel
-Sober truth,
-Supplies the fuel
-For flaming youth.
- -- Noel Coward
-%
-For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
-%
-For good, return good.
-For evil, return justice.
-%
-For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
- -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
-%
-For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
-but with break of day I went to make supplication.
- -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
-%
-For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
-As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
-But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
-He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
-Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
-And no quarrel a knight ought to take
-But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
- -- Stephen Hawes
-%
-For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
-%
-For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
-and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
- -- Sir Thomas More
-%
-For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
-get themselves filed.
- -- Clifton Fadiman
-%
-For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
-put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
-life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
-now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
-when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
-in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
-the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
-means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
-advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
-the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
-names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
-("part of this complete breakfast").
- -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
-%
-For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
-the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
-power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
-and bad music may be put on record forever.
- -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
-%
-For people who like that kind of book,
-that is the kind of book they will like.
-%
-For perfect happiness, remember two things:
- (1) Be content with what you've got.
- (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
-%
-FOR SALE:
- Parachute. Used once.
- Never opened. Slightly Stained.
-%
-For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
-"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
- -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
-%
-For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
-%
-For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
-massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
-last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
- -- Jehan Shuman
-%
-For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
-each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
-was a gate.
- -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to system overview.]
-
-%
-For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
-This gives me great hope for the human race.
- -- Harlan Ellison
-%
-For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
-%
-For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
- -- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
-neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
- -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to powerfail recovery.]
-%
-For they starve the frightened little child
-Till it weeps both night and day:
-And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
-And gibe the old and grey,
-And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
-And none a word may say.
-
-Each narrow cell in which we dwell
-Is a foul and dark latrine,
-And the fetid breath of living Death
-Chokes up each grated screen,
-And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
-In Humanity's machine.
-
-And all men kill the thing they love,
-By all let this be heard,
-Some do it with a bitter look,
-Some with a flattering word,
-The coward does it with a kiss,
-The brave man with a sword.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
-When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
-him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
-spend my evenings?"
- -- Chamfort
-%
-For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
-'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
-recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
-protected species.
- Ingredients:
- 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
- 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
- 1 teaspoonful salt
- 8 oz. shredded suet
- 2 small onions
- 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
-
- Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
-overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
-the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
-gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
-half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
-salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
-swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
-available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
-four to five hours.
-%
-For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-For three days after death hair and fingernails
-continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
- -- Johnny Carson
-%
-For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
-a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
-Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
-religions.
- -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
-%
-For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
-I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
-But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
-Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
- -- Justin Richardson
-%
-For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
-%
-Force has no place where there is need of skill.
- -- Herodotus
-%
-"Force is but might," the teacher said--
-"That definition's just."
-The boy said naught but thought instead,
-Remembering his pounded head:
-"Force is not might but must!"
-%
-Force it!!!
-If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
-No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
-%
-FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
-%
-Forecast, n.:
- A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
- which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
-%
-Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
-%
-Forgetfulness, n.:
- A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
- their destitution of conscience.
-%
-Forgive and forget.
- -- Cervantes
-%
-Forgive him,
-for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
-And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
- -- Robert Frost
-%
-Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
- -- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
-%
-Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
-%
-FORTH IF HONK THEN
-%
-FORTRAN is a good example of a language
-which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
- -- D. Gries
- [What's good about it? Ed.]
-%
-FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
-occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
- -- Steven Feiner
-%
-FORTRAN rots the brain.
- -- John McQuillin
-%
-FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
-inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
-too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
-probably for at least the next decade.
- -- T. Cheatham
-%
-Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
-%
-Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
-the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
-of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
-responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
-or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
-claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
-provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
-the accepted body of scientific evidence.
- -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
- No. 2, pg. 215
-%
-Fortune and love befriend the bold.
- -- Ovid
-%
-FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
-
-Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
-A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
- my dissertation to rhyme.
-%
-FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
-
-Q: Is God a myth?
-A: No, He's a mythter.
-%
-fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
-%
-fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
-
-Low Blows:
- Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
-of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
-hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
-
-Dressing Up:
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
-garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
-for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
-weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
-party".
-
-David Letterman:
- Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
-Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
-haircut.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
-
-Relationships:
- First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
-refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
-basis".
- When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
-her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
-she will get on with her life.
- A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
-breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
-wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
-hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
-always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
-drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
-community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
-these classes rarely prove effective.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
-
-Shoes:
- The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
-boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
-of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
-
-Making friends:
- A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
-together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
- A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
-together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
-sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
-psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
-sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
-jerk, I guess you're OK."
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
-
-Desserts:
- A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
-work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
-she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
-grabbing the cherry in the center.
-
-Car repair:
- The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
-manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
-himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
-fixed without special tools".
- The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
-accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
-car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
-the average man.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
-
-Weddings:
- When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
-Men talk about "the bachelor party".
-
-Clothes:
- Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
-he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
-the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
-the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
-them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
- Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
-They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
-
-Trust:
- The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
-around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
-she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
-OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
-one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
-his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
-of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
-so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
-
-Driving:
-
- A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
-the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
-him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
-to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
-Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
-shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
-price their policies accordingly.
- A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
-rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
-her makeup.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
-
-Bathrooms:
- A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
-shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
-The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
-would not be able to identify most of these items.
-
-Groceries:
- A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
-and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
-are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
-everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
-his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
-Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
-
-Going Out:
- When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
-out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
-to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
-checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
-
-Cats:
- Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
-looking, men kick cats.
-
-Offspring:
- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
-about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
-and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
-aware of some short people living in the house.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
-
-Laundry:
- Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
-of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
-years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
-he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
-of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
-the laundromat. This is a myth.
-
-Nicknames:
- If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
-they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
-Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
-refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
-
-Socks:
- Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
-Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
-of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
-
-CARTABLANCA:
- Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
- only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
- trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
- wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
- fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
- which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
-
-MONOPOLI:
- Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
- games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
- another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
- Boardwalk property.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
-
-O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
-
- Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
- shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
- tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
- the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
- With Julie Christie.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
-
-MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
- Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
- tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
- into your heart.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
-
-WITLESS:
- Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
- of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
- run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
- health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
- reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
-
-THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
- This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
- forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
- make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
- of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
- and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
- a glowing performance.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
-
-RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
- One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
- and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
- man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
-
-OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
- This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
- frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
- Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
- Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
- younger viewers.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
-
-THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
- The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
- appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
- (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
-
-THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
- The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
- Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
- of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
- becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
-
-THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
-
- Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
- everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
- Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
-%
-Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
-
-It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
-supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
-more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
-negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
-negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
-as that in support of an affirmative.
- -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472
-%
-Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
-
-We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
-left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
-seems to us that someone has been very careless.
- -- 78 So. 365
-%
-Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
-
-We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
-may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
-species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
-of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
-revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
-it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
- -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466
-%
-FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
-
-Skilled oral communicator:
- Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
- Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
-
-Skilled written communicator:
- Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
- the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
-
-Growth potential:
- With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
- the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
- the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
-
-Key company figure:
- Serves as the perfect counter example.
-%
-FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
-
-Consistent:
- Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
- that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
-
-An excellent sounding board:
- Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
- them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
-
-A planner and organizer:
- Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
- animal tags on his clothing.
-%
-FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
-
-Has management potential:
- Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
- reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
- pencil monitor.
-
-Inspirational:
- A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
- go I.")
-
-Adapts to stress:
- Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
- situation.
-
-Goal oriented:
- Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
- to meet them.
-%
-Fortune favors the lucky.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
-
- Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
-
- "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
- And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
- Cowboy cheerleaders.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
-
- "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
- May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
- Juliet, this bud's for you.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
-
- If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
- you've made happy.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
-
- Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
- No, I guess not.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
-
- Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
-
- "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
- It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
-%
-Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
-
- A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
-%
-fortune: No such file or directory
-%
-fortune: not found
-%
-Fortune presents:
- USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
-
-^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
-Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
-Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
- renkontas. I've met.
-La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
-Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
-Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
-Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
-%
-Fortune presents:
- USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
-
-^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
-^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
-^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
-Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
-Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
-^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
-%
-Fortune presents:
- USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
-
-Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
- ^cevalon.
-Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
-Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
-Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
-Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
-Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
-%
-FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
-
-Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
-Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
-Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
-Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
-
-A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
-Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
-
-A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
-Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
-
-A: To be or not to be.
-Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
-
-A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
-Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
-
-A: Chicken Teriyaki.
-Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
-
-A: Go west, young man, go west!
-Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
-%
-FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
-
-A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
-Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
-%
-FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
-
- "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
- -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
-%
-FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
-
- "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
- -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
-%
-Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
-
-Try:
- ar t "God"
- drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
- cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
- Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
- mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
- rm God
- man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
- date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
- make "heads or tails of all this"
- who is smart
- (C shell)
- If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
- sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
-%
-Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
-sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
-
-Oh, and have a nice day!
- -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
-%
-Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
-
- I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
- "Hey you, get off my plate"
- -- Roger Midnight
-%
-Fortune's current rates:
-
- Answers .10
- Long answers .25
- Answers requiring thought .50
- Correct answers $1.00
-
- Dumb looks are still free.
-%
-Fortune's diet truths:
-1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
-2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
-3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
- an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
-4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
- salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
-5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
- appealing as tepid beer.
-6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
-7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
- low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
- it isn't.
-8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
-9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
-10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
-11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
- swallowing.
-%
-Fortune's Exercising Truths:
-
-1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
-2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
-3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
-4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
-5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
- quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
- you twitter around in your chair.
-6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
-7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
- for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
- racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
-8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
- followed by one throw-up.
-9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
- Christmas Rum Cake
-
-1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
-1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
-1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
-2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
-2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
-
-Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
-select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
-must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
-of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
-mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
-and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
-Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
-of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
-beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
-for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
-seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
-Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
-strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
-Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
-poothtick comes out crean.
-%
-Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
- "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
- A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
- A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
- A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
- A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
- rather than a spotted one.
- Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
- while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
- legume-part of the pea family.
- A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
- The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
-Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
- Can you name the seven seas?
- Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
- North Pacific, South Pacific.
- Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
- Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
- Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
-
-In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
-there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
-flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
- According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
-at least once a year.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
-
-The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
-can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
- A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
-his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
-ability in that particular field."
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
-
-In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
-at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
- Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
- A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
-movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
-right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
-%
-FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
-
- Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
-a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
-%
-Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
-
- Don't Write On Walls!
-
- (and underneath)
-
- You want I should type?
-%
-Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
-
-August 27, 1949:
- A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
- Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
-%
-FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
-What to do...
- if reality disappears?
- Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
- can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
-
- if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
- traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
- Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
- Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
- younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
- expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
- behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
- when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
-%
-FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
-What to do...
- if you get a phone call from Mars:
- Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
- your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
- speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
-
- if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
- Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
- If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
- or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
- calling.
-
- if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
- Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
- he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
- conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
- charges may have been reversed.
-%
-FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
-What to do...
- if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
- First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
- film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
- you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
- they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
- Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
- wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
-
- if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
- closet contains an alternate dimension?
- Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
- and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
- and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
- wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
- an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
-%
-Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
-
-WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
-
-Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
-of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
-combination of beauty and power. Few have
-excelled him in the use of the English language,
-or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
-'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
-single poem ever written."
-
-Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
-doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
-of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
- bungling and greed of President
- Roosevelt.
-
-... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
-not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
-%
-Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
- No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
-State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
-with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
-weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
-apply to female horses.
-%
-Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
-goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
-House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
-sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
-and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
-
-Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
- having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
-Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
-Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
- that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
- amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
- fertilization."
-Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
- teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
-%
-Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
-
- Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
-%
-FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
-
- Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
-your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
-and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
-drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
-
-Q: Are you married?
-A: No, I'm divorced.
-Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
-A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
-
-Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
-A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
-
-THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
- information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
- any ...
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
-
-Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
-A: I will be three months November 8th.
-Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
-A: Yes.
-Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
-
-Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
-A: No.
-Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
-A: Picking them up in the air.
-Q: Where was the dog at this time?
-A: Attached to the ears.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
-
-Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
- able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
- go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
- him to the station?
-MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
-
-Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
-A: By death.
-Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
-
-Q: What is your name?
-A: Ernestine McDowell.
-Q: And what is your marital status?
-A: Fair.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
-
-Q: What happened then?
-A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
- me."
-Q: Did he kill you?
-A: No.
-%
-Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
-
-Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
-the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
-the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
-in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
-incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
-never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
-memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
-done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
-the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
-you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
-the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
-
- 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
- 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
- 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
-
- Never goose a wolverine.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
-
- Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
-%
-Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
-%
-Four be the things I am wiser to know:
- Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
-
-Four be the things I'd been better without:
- Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
-
-Three be the things I shall never attain:
- Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
-
-Three be the things I shall have till I die:
- Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
-%
-Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
-tombstones, women and competitors.
- -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
-%
-Four hours to bury the cat?
-Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
-%
-Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
-ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
-This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
- -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
-%
-Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
- The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
- instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
-
-Corollary:
- Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
- study for that instructor's course.
-%
-Fourth Law of Revision:
- It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
- interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
- for you.
-%
-Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
-almost one, it is damn near zero.
- -- David Ellis
-%
-Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
-policeman's tie.
-%
-Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
- -- Rhett Buggler
-%
-Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
- -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
-%
-Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire.
- -- A Yippie proverb
-%
-FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
-%
-FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
-%
-FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
-%
-FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
- -- Warner Losh
-%
-FreeBSD Trivia:
- Did you know that successive security officers take
-control by beheading their predecessor?
- -- Robert Watson
-%
-Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
-%
-Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
-%
-Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
- -- Camus
-%
-Freedom is slavery.
-Ignorance is strength.
-War is peace.
- -- George Orwell
-%
-Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
-%
-Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
- -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
-%
-Fremen add life to spice!
-%
-Fresco's Discovery:
- If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
-%
-Friction is a drag.
-%
-Fried's 1st Rule:
- Increased automation of clerical function
- invariably results in increased operational costs.
-%
-Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- -- Thomas Jones
-%
-Friends, n.:
- People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
-
- People who know you well, but like you anyway.
-%
-Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
-Let me clue you in;
-I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
-The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
-The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
-Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
-If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
-And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
-Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
-So are they all, all cool cats, --
-Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
-%
-Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
-over the other.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Frisbeetarianism, n.:
- The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
- gets stuck.
-%
-Frobnicate, v.:
- To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
-Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
-frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
-sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
-manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
-search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
-turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
-he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
-screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
-turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
-%
-Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
- An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
-electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
-FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
-FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
-FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
-via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
-applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
-%
-From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
- -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
-%
-From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
-That is the point that must be reached.
- -- F. Kafka
-%
-From a Tru64 patch description:
-
- Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
-%
-[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
-Association, in Rome]:
-
-The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
-and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
-spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
-or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
-millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
-reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
-engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
-president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
-schizophrenia in mass genocide.
-%
-From Italian tourist guide:
-
- "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
- a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
-%
-From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
-%
-From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
- -- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-From the crystal swirling waters,
-Of the Rio Amazon,
-To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
-Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
-From ev'ry hallowed venue,
-Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
-Your butt is on the menu
-And the check is in the mail.
- -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
-%
-From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
-convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
-%
-[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
-in Japan]:
-
-The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
-MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
-featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
-against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
-"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
-Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
-operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
-
-And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
-achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
-HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
-%
-From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
-
- "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
- International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
- October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
- volunteers who have worked hard to define international
- standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
- Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
- Italy celebrated on October 18."
-%
-From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
-
- To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
- if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
- system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
- all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
- set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
-
- -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
- systems program at JPL
-%
-From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
-instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
-experience in sound:
-
- 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
- sound is normal for this type of connector.
-%
-From too much love of living,
-From hope and fear set free,
-We thank with brief thanksgiving,
-Whatever gods may be,
-That no life lives forever,
-That dead men rise up never,
-That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
- -- Swinburne
-%
-Fuch's Warning:
- If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
- enough to travel.
-%
-Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
- Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
-%
-Fun experiments:
- Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
- Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
- bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
-%
-Fun Facts, #14:
- In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
- it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
-%
-Fun Facts, #63:
- The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
- It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
- Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
- 1510.
-%
-Function reject.
-%
-Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
-%
-Furbling, v.:
- Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
- even when you are the only person in line.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
- -- H. H. Williams
-%
-Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
-but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
-%
-Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
-%
-Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
-of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
-secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
-`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
-that's your chance, my boy."
-%
-Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
- -- Joseph Stalin
-%
-Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
- Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
- there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
-%
-Garbage In - Gospel Out.
-%
-Garter, n.:
- An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
- stockings and desolating the country.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
-our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
- -- Adventures of Asterix
-%
-Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
-
- Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
-than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
- "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
-Obvious, isn't it?
- Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
-speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
-long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
-your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
-so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
-individuals and then grow ...
- Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
-signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
-everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
-the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
-backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
-think not, my friend, I think not.
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
- A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
- instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
- the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
- in it today, either.
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
- Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
- can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
- and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
- trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
-%
-Genderplex, n.:
- The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
- determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
- tortoises).
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Genealogy, n.:
- An account of one's descent from an ancestor
- who did not particularly care to trace his own.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-General notions are generally wrong.
- -- Lady M. W. Montagu
-%
-Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
- -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
-%
-Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
-%
-Generic Fortune.
-%
-Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
-%
-Genetics explains why you look like your father,
-and if you don't, why you should.
-%
-GENIUS:
- Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
- time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
- all the right things to all the right people.
-%
-Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
- -- Owen Meredith
-%
-Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
- -- Thomas Alva Edison
-%
-Genius is pain.
- -- John Lennon
-%
-Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
-%
-Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
-%
-Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Genius, n.:
- A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
- "bright".
-%
-Genlock, n.:
- Why he stays in the bottle.
-%
-Gentlemen,
- Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
-to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
-with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
-thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
- We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
-manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
-I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
-Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
-exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
- Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
-for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
-confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
-regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
-may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
-fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
- This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
-my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
-why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
-must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
-one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
- 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
-of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
- 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
- -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
- London, 1812
-%
-Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
- -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
- the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
- Security Agency.
-%
-Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
-old girl friend.
-%
-George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
-his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
- "Bring a friend, if you have one."
-
-Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
-had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
- "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
-%
-George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
- -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
-%
-George Orwell was an optimist.
-%
-George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
-have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
- -- Ashley Cooper
-%
-George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
-me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
- "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
- At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
-and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
-No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
-George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
-the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
-Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
- "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
-yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
- "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
-gonna get on Labor Day."
-%
-(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
-one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
-"And he didn't understand me."
-%
-Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
- 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
- 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
- 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
- will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
- much as to make the task totally impossible.
-%
-Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
-%
-Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
- -- Dylan Thomas
-%
-Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
-%
-Getting into trouble is easy.
- -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
-%
-Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
-out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
- -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
- of the American Bar Association
-%
-Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
-
-Corollary:
- Following the rules will not get the job done.
-%
-Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
-%
-Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
-
-'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
-Snatch them from their little housies (...)
-First we chase them 'round the field (...)
-Then we have them for a meal (...)
-
-Toss them here and catch them there (...)
-See them flying through the air (...)
-Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
-Falling mice have great appeal (...)
-
-See the hunter stretched before us (...)
-He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
-Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
-Of the blood of little critters (...)
-%
-Gilbert's Discovery:
- Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
- sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
-%
-Gil-galad was an Elven-King
-of him the harpers sadly sing;
-the last whose realm was fair and free
-between the Mountains and the Sea.
-
-His sword was long, his lance was keen,
-his shining helm afar was seen;
-the countless stars of heaven's field
-were mirrored in his silver shield.
-
-But long ago he rode away,
-and where he dwelleth none can say;
-for into darkness fell his star
-in Mordor where the shadows are.
-%
-Ginger Snap
-%
-Ginsberg's Theorem:
- 1. You can't win.
- 2. You can't break even.
- 3. You can't even quit the game.
-
-Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
- Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
- meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
- Theorem. To wit:
-
- 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
- 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
- 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
-%
-Ginsburg's Law:
- At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
- big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
-%
-GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
-%
-Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
-and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-%
-Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
-Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
- -- Calvin Keegan
-%
-Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
-that everything he encounters needs pounding.
-%
-Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
-%
-Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
-that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
-%
-Give him an evasive answer.
-%
-Give me a fish and I will eat today.
-Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
-%
-Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
-dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
-%
-Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
-%
-Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
- -- St. Augustine
-%
-Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
- -- Napoleon
-%
-Give me libertines or give me meth.
-%
-Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
-Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
-But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
-Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
- -- George Canning
-%
-Give me your students, your secretaries,
-Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
-The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
-Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
-I lift my disk beside the processor.
- -- Inscription on a Word Processor
-%
-Give thought to your reputation.
-Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
-%
-GIVE UP!!!!
-%
-Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
-%
-Give your very best today.
-Heaven knows it's little enough.
-%
-Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
- -- William Faulkner
-%
-Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
-Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
- -- John Gilmore
-%
-Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
-%
-Given sufficient time, what you put
-off doing today will get done by itself.
-%
-Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
-rather lie around. No contest.
- -- Eric Clapton
-%
-Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
-car keys to teenage boys.
- -- P. J. O'Rourke
-%
-Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
-whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
-LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
- -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-Gleemites, n.:
- Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
- Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
- probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
- some useful work done.
-%
-Gloffing is a state of mine.
-%
-Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
- fifth of dry red wine
- fifth of Aquavit
- 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
- 10 cardamom seeds
- 1 cup raisins
- 4 dried figs
- 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
- a few pieces of dried orange peel
- 5 cloves
- 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
- Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
-for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
-the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
-strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
-Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
-hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
- N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
-if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
-extraction.
-%
-Gnagloot, n.:
- A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
- impress people.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Go ahead, make my day.
- -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
-%
-Go away, I'm all right.
- -- H. G. Wells' last words
-%
-Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
-"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
-
-logout\a
-%
-Go climb a gravity well.
-%
-Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
-%
-Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
- -- J. R. R. Tolkien
-%
-Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
- -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
-%
-Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
-be in owning a piece thereof.
- -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
-but quickly to their misfortunes.
- -- Chilo
-%
-Go to a movie tonight.
-Darkness becomes you.
-%
-Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
-all your troubles.
- -- Andrew Jackson
-
-The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
-teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
-in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
- -- Calvin Coolidge
-
-Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
-religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
-on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
-secure which is not supported by moral habits.
- -- Daniel Webster
-%
-Go 'way! You're bothering me!
-%
-Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
- -- Wally Shawn
-%
-GOD:
- Darwin's chief rival.
-%
-God created a few perfect heads.
-The rest he covered with hair.
-%
-God created woman.
-And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
-but many other things ceased as well.
-Woman was God's second mistake.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
-days and then pulled an all-nighter.
-%
-God gave man two ears and one tongue so
-that we listen twice as much as we speak.
- -- Arab proverb
-%
-"God gives burdens; also shoulders."
-
-Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
-end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
-can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
-would he lie about a thing like that?
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
-change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
-%
-God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
-The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
-not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
-not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
-and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
-not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
-morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
- -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
-%
-God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
-that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
- -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
-%
-God help those who do not help themselves.
- -- Wilson Mizner
-%
-God helps them that helps themselves.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
-%
-God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
-but by pains and contradictions.
- -- De Caussade
-%
-God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
-%
-God is Dead.
- -- Nietzsche
-Nietzsche is Dead.
- -- God
-Nietzsche is God.
- -- The Dead
-%
-God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
- -- Ralph Moonen
-%
-God is love, but get it in writing.
- -- Gypsy Rose Lee
-%
-God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
-much less ambitious project.
-%
-God is real, unless declared integer.
-%
-God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
-elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
-other things.
- -- Pablo Picasso
-%
-God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
- -- Alfred Jarry
-%
-God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
-%
-God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
- -- Paul Valery
-%
-God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
-%
-God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
- -- Kronecker
-%
-God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
-%
-God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
-%
-God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
-Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
-The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
-Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
-The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
-Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
-(chorus) (chorus)
-
-We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
-They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
-A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
-It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
-The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
-We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
-(chorus) (chorus)
-
-And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
-Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
-We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
-Won't ruin your whole day.
-You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
-(chorus)
- -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
-%
-God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
-and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
- -- William Bragg
-%
-God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
-%
-God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
-%
-God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
-to receive it.
- -- Austin O'Malley
-%
-God votes Republican.
-%
-God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
- -- Samuel Butler
-%
-Goda's Truism:
- By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
- somebody moves the ends.
-%
-Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
-%
-Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
-make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
-%
-Gold, n.:
- A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
- is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
- men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
- although gold hasn't done anything to them.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Goldenstern's Rules:
- 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
- 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
-%
-Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
-eating before he bursts.
-%
-Gold's Law:
- If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
-%
-Gomme's Laws:
- (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
- (2) Time accelerates.
- (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
-%
-Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
- -- by Margaret Mitchell
-
- A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
-
-Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
- -- by O. Henry
-
- A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
-
-The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
- -- by Ernest Hemingway
-
- An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
-
-Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
- -- by Anne Frank
-
- A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
-%
-Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
-%
-Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
-%
-Good day for business affairs.
-Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
-%
-Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
-%
-Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
-%
-Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
-%
-Good day to deal with people in high places;
-particularly lonely stewardesses.
-%
-Good day to let down old friends who need help.
-%
-Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
-at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
-ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
-song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
-%
-Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
-%
-Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
-those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
-will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
-government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
- -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
-%
-"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
-%
-Good judgment comes from experience.
-Experience comes from bad judgment.
- -- Jim Horning
-%
-Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
-%
-Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
-giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
-at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
-%
-Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
-%
-Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
-%
-Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
-%
-Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
-%
-Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
-%
-Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
-new lover.
-%
-Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
- -- R. E. Schenk
-%
-Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
- -- Gail Godwin
-%
-Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
- -- George Saunders' dying words
-%
-Goodbye, cool world.
-%
-Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
-tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human
-misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
-that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
-my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
-my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
-holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
- -- George Lincoln Rockwell
-%
-Gordon's first law:
- If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
- well.
-%
-Gordon's Law:
- If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
-%
-Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
-time travel, you never can tell.
- -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara"
-%
-Gossip, n.:
- Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
- -- Earl Wilson
-%
-//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
-%
-Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
-Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
-
- 1-800-AUDITME
-%
-Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
-%
-Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
-I went out for a ride and never came back.
-Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
-I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
-
- Everybody's got a hungry heart.
- Everybody's got a hungry heart.
- Lay down your money and you play your part,
- Everybody's got a hungry heart.
-
-I met her in a Kingstown bar,
-We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
-We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
-Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
-
-Everybody needs a place to rest,
-Everybody wants to have a home.
-Don't make no difference what nobody says,
-Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
- -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
-%
-Got Mole problems?
-Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
-%
-Goto, n.:
- A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
- to complain about unstructured programmers.
- -- Ray Simard
-%
-Gourmet, n.:
- Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
- revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
- leaving the best part.
-%
-Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
- -- John Updike, "Couples"
-%
-Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
-different lies.
-%
-Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
-more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
-know much.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Government's Law:
- There is an exception to all laws.
-%
-Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
-leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
-board.
- -- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-Grabel's Law:
- 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
-%
-Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
-%
-Graduate students and most professors are
-no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
-%
-Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
-he exclaimed:
- "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
- or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Grandpa Charnock's Law:
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-
- [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
-%
-Graphics blind the eyes.
-Audio files deafen the ear.
-Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
-Heuristics weaken the mind.
-Options wither the heart.
-
-The Guru observes the net
-but trusts his inner vision.
-He allows things to come and go.
-His heart is as open as the ether.
-%
-GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
- A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
-%
-Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
- -- Joseph Alsop
-%
-GRAVITY:
- What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
-%
-Gravity brings me down.
-%
-Gray's Law of Programming:
- 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
- accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
-
-Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
- 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
-%
-Great acts are made up of small deeds.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-Great American Axiom:
- Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
-%
-Great minds run in great circles.
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
-
-On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
-place of residence.
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
-
-Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
-
-Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
-%
-Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
- -- Albert Einstein
-
-They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
-also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
- -- Carl Sagan
-%
-Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
-%
-Green light in A.M. for new projects.
-Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
-%
-Greener's Law:
- Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
-%
-Green's Law of Debate:
-Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
-%
-Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
- Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
- an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
- of half of Common Lisp.
-%
-Grelb's Reminder:
- Eighty percent of all people consider
- themselves to be above average drivers.
-%
-grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
-%
-Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
-value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Griffin's Thought:
- When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
-%
-Grig (the navigator):
- ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
- armada.
-Alex (the gunner):
- What?!?
-Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
- overwhelming odds.
-Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
-Grig: That's the spirit!
- -- The Last Starfighter
-%
-Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
- At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
-%
-Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
-groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
- -- Johnny Carson
-%
-Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
- -- Maurice Chevalier
-%
-Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
-reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
-concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
-disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
-any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
-meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
-Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
-adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
-authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
-television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
-sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
-combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
-universe while straddling a giant worm.
- -- Arnold Klein
-%
-Grub first, then ethics.
- -- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-GUILLOTINE:
- A French chopping center.
-%
-Gumperson's Law:
- The probability of a given event
- occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
-%
-Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
-%
-Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
- (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
- the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
- (2) The strength of the turbulence
- is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
-%
-Gurmlish, n.:
- The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
- the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-GURU:
- A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
- a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
- phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
-%
-Guru, n.:
- A computer owner who can read the manual.
-%
-Gyroscope, n.:
- A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
-free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
-other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
-mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
-other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
-offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
-torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
- -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
-%
-H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
- Slice him up before he slays you.
- Nothing makes you look a slob
- Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
- -- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
-Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
- -- Maxwell Bodenheim
-%
-H. L. Mencken's Law:
- Those who can -- do.
- Those who can't -- teach.
-
-Martin's Extension:
- Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
-
- [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
-%
-Hacker, n.:
- Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
-things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
-philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack."
- In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
-of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
-a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
-and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
-
- Hacker's Fight Song
-
- He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
- He's a guy with the happy knack!
- Never bungles, never shirks,
- Always gets his stuff to work!
-
-All take a drink (important!)
-%
-Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
-%
-Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
-2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
- really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
-1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
- strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
-1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
-8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
- can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
-"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
- join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
- merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
- and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
- beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
- the ceiling(3m).
-"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
- just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
- If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
- GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
-"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
- for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
- by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
-%
-Hacker's Law:
- The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
- nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
-%
-Hackers of the world, unite!
-%
-Hacker's Quicky #313:
- Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
- Microwave Egg Roll
- Chocolate Milk
-%
-Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
-%
-Had he and I but met
-By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
-We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
-Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
- And killed him in his place.
-I shot him dead because --
-Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
-Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
-That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
- No other reason why.
-Yes; quaint and curious war is!
-You shoot a fellow down
-You'd treat, if met where any bar is
-Or help to half-a-crown.
- -- Thomas Hardy
-%
-Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
-useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
- -- Alfonso the Wise
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to operating system initialization.]
-%
-Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
-fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
-%
-Hail to the sun god
-He's such a fun god
-Ra! Ra! Ra!
-%
-Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
-%
-Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
-a big enough majority in any town?
- -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
-%
-Hale Mail Rule, The:
- When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
- one of the following:
- (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
- (b) Stationery.
- (c) Postage stamp.
- (d) The letter you are answering.
-%
-Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
-But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
-But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
-When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
-%
-Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.)
-%
-Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
-%
-Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
-and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
-%
-Half-done, n.:
- This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
- light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
- and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
- difference between life and death.
-
- You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
- in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
- fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
- transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
- Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
- about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
- man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
-%
-Hall's Laws of Politics:
- (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
- (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
- something fixed.
- (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
- military spending, and conservatives social spending in
- their own districts).
-%
-Hand, n.:
- A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
- commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Handel's Proverb:
- You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
-%
-Handshaking protocol, n.:
- A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
- terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
- occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
-%
-Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
- -- Pink Floyd
-%
-Hangover, n.:
- The wrath of grapes.
-%
-Hanlon's Razor:
- Never attribute to malice
- that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
-%
-Hanson's Treatment of Time:
- There are never enough hours in a day,
- but always too many days before Saturday.
-%
-Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
-%
-Happiness is a hard disk.
-%
-Happiness is a positive cash flow.
-%
-Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
- -- Ingrid Bergman
-%
-Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
-%
-Happiness is the greatest good.
-%
-Happiness is twin floppies.
-%
-Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
-%
-Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
- -- Oscar Levant
-%
-Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
-%
-Happiness, n.:
- An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
- another.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Happiness, n.:
- Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
-%
-Happy feast of the pig!
-%
-Happy is the child whose father died rich.
-%
-Hard, adj.:
- The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
- of other people.
-%
-Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
- -- Daniel Dennett
-%
-Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
-%
-Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- -- Charlie McCarthy
-%
-Hardware, n.:
- The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
-%
-Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
-The Duke is fond of kittens
-He likes to take their insides out
-And use them for his mittens
- -- "The 13 Clocks"
-%
-Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
-Advertising wondrous things.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
-convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
- -- Tobias Smollet
-%
-Harp not on that string.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Harriet's Dining Observation:
- In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
- increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
-%
-Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
-and I were waiting with our plates ready.
- "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
-the gravy with."
- The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
-reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
-again, Harris and the pie were gone!
- It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
-hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
-on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
- George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
- "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
- "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
- There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
-theory.
- "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
-to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
- And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
-hadn't been carving that pie."
- -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
-%
-Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
- Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
- equipment ruined.
-%
-Harrison's Postulate:
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-%
-Harris's Lament:
- All the good ones are taken.
-%
-Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
-always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
-required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
-were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
-feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
-a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
-pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
-procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
-took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
-the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
-again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
-waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
- Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
-was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
-could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
-you know."
-%
-Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
-makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
-famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
-probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
-have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
-enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
-attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
-down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
-just like Richard Nixon."
- -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
-%
-Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
-milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
-sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
-with all that pep and vitality.
-%
-Hartley's First Law:
- You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
- get him to float on his back, you've got something.
-%
-Hartley's Second Law:
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
-
-My corollary:
- The completely psychotic have all the fun.
-%
-Harvard Law:
- Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
- temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
- organism will do as it damn well pleases.
-%
-HARVARD:
-Quarterback:
- Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
-a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
-has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
-has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
-Wide Receiver:
- The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
-Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
-fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
-or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
-asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
-those times.
-YALE:
-Defense:
- On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
-Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
-Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
-the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
-out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
-coin toss.
- -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
-%
-Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
-%
-Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
-with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
-was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
-It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
-but a lot harder than it appears.
-%
-Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
-appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
-and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
-not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
-incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
-%
-Haste makes waste.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-Hatcheck girl:
- "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
-Mae West:
- "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
- -- "Night After Night", 1932
-%
-Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
-stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
-%
-Hate the sin and love the sinner.
- -- Mahatma Gandhi
-%
-Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
-unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
- -- Mike Royko
-%
-Hatred, n.:
- A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
- superiority.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Have a coke and a smile!
- -- John DeLorean
-%
-Have a nice day!
-%
-Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
-%
-Have a place for everything and keep the thing
-somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Have a taco.
- -- P. S. Beagle
-%
-Have an adequate day.
-%
-Have at you!
-%
-Have no friends not equal to yourself.
- -- Confucius
-%
-Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
-to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
-non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
-
-Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
-still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
-only serves to blunt the warning signs.
-
- Long live the revolution!
- Have a nice day.
-%
-Have the courage to take your own thoughts
-seriously, for they will shape you.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
-halfway between an oven and a pasture?
-walking in a trance toward a pregnant
- seventeen-year-old housewife's
- two-day-old cookbook?
- -- Richard Brautigan
-%
-Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
-
-Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
-she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
-whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
-So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
-remain so.
- -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
-%
-Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
-to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
-never find the time for play?
-%
-Have you flogged your kid today?
-%
-Have you locked your file cabinet?
-%
-Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
-vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
-%
-Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
-sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
- -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
-%
-Have you reconsidered a computer career?
-%
-Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
-photograph an American with his mouth shut!
-%
-Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
-Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
-In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
-Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
-
-How can you tell me you're lonely,
-And say for you the sun don't shine?
-Let me take you by the hand
-Lead you through the streets of London
-I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
-
-Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
-Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
-In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
-For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
-%
-Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
-On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
-High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
-Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
-If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
-Why don't you go where fashion sits,
-...
-Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
-Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
-Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
-Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-...
-If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
-Why don't you go where fashion sits,
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-Puttin' on the Ritz.
-%
-Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
-in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
-then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
-eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
-blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
-the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
- -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
-%
-Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
-%
-Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- -- Martin Mull
-%
-Having no talent is no longer enough.
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
-Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
- -- Socrates
-%
-Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
-relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
-the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
- "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
-dog, too!"
-%
-Hawkeye's Conclusion:
- It's not easy to play the clown
- when you've got to run the whole circus.
-%
-He: Do you like Kipling?
-She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
-%
-He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
-She: "What do you want me to yell?"
- -- Benny Hill
-%
-HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
-SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
- -- Walt Kelley
-%
-He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
-effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
-perversion.
- -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
-%
-He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
-the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
- -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
-%
-He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
-%
-He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
-finer than the staple of his argument.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
- -- Stephen Leacock
-%
-He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
-%
-He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
-perfectly delightful.
- -- Sydney Smith
-%
-He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
-and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
-all hope of ever behaving "normally."
- -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
-%
-He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
-Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
- -- Stig's Inferno
-%
-He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
- -- Bion
-%
-He hath eaten me out of house and home.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
-of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
-said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
- -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
-%
-He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
- -- John LeCarre
-%
-He is considered a most graceful speaker
-who can say nothing in the most words.
-%
-He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
-%
-He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-He is the best of men who dislikes power.
- -- Mohammed
-%
-He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
-%
-He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
-%
-He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
-%
-He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
- -- Geoffrey Chaucer
-%
-He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
- -- Sir Richard Burton
-%
-He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
-once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
-%
-He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
- -- Ring Lardner
-%
-He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
- -- Andrew Lang
-%
-He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
-had fallen to the ground.
- -- The Book of Serenity
-%
-(He opens a tolm and begins.)
-
- It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
- Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
- The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
- I must translate it otherwise.
- If I am well inspired and not blind.
- It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
- Ponder that first line, wait and see,
- Lest you should write too hastily.
- Is the Mind the all-creating source?
- It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
- Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
- That my translation must be changed again.
- The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
- I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
-%
-[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
- -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
-
-My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
- -- Peter Stack, movie review
-
-His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
- -- John Stark, movie review
-%
-He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
- -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
-%
-He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
-And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
- -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband
-%
-He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
- -- J. R. R. Tolkien
-%
-He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
- -- Scottish proverb
-%
-He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
-%
-He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
-%
-He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
- -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
-%
-He thought he saw an albatross
-That fluttered 'round the lamp.
-He looked again and saw it was
-A penny postage stamp.
-"You'd best be getting home," he said,
-"The nights are rather damp."
-%
-He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
-three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
-In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
-slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
-the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
- -- Eric Van Lustbader
-%
-[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
-a complete set.
- -- Ring Lardner
-%
-He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
-%
-He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
-made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
-disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
-dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
-told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
- -- Jack Handey
-%
-He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
- -- Jonathan Swift
-%
-He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
-insufferable.
-%
-He was part of my dream, of course --
-but then I was part of his dream too.
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
-He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
-%
-He was the sort of person whose personality
-would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
-%
-He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
-%
-He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
-broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
- -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
-%
-He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
-the human condition is a fool.
- -- Albert Camus
-%
-He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
- -- Sinbad
-%
-He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
-%
-He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
-%
-He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
-%
-He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
-%
-He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
-%
-He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
-a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
- -- Giacomo Leopardi
-%
-He who hates vices hates mankind.
-%
-He who hesitates is a damned fool.
- -- Mae West
-%
-He who hesitates is last.
-%
-He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
-%
-He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
-%
-He who invents adages for others to peruse
-takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
-%
-He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
-%
-He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
-%
-He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
-%
-He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
-encounter many rivals.
- -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
-%
-He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
-night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
-senses until the day of judgment.
- -- Saadi
-%
-He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
-%
-He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
-He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
-He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
-%
-He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
-But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
-And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
- he knows something. Or something like that.
-%
-He who knows others is wise.
-He who knows himself is enlightened.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
- -- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
-%
-He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
-%
-He who laughs last is probably your boss.
-%
-He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
-%
-He who laughs, lasts.
-%
-He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
-%
-He who loses, wins the race,
-And parallel lines meet in space.
- -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
-%
-He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
- -- Dr. Johnson
-%
-He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
-%
-He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
-be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
- -- Sir Richard Burton
-%
-He who slings mud generally loses ground.
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson
-%
-He who slings mud loses ground.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
-%
-He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
-%
-He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
- -- Sinbad
-%
-He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
- -- M. C. Escher
-%
-He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
-on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
-education and culture.
- -- Julia Norton McCorkle
-%
-HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
-Details at 11.
-%
-Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-%
-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
-lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- -- Redd Foxx
-%
-Hear about...
- the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
- Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
-%
-Hear about...
- the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
- would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
-%
-Hear about...
- the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
- attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
- up a chopped libber?
-%
-Hear about...
- the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
- he wanted to transcend dental medication?
-%
-Hear about...
- the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
- that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
- Space"?
-%
-Hear about...
- the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
- company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
- typewriter's ribbon?
-%
-Hear about...
- the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
- One fortunate cookie...
-%
-Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
-From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
- -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
-%
-Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
-Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
-%
-Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
- -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
-on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
- -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
- Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
-%
-Heaven, n.:
- A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
- their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
- while you expound your own.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
- -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
-%
-Heavy, adj.:
- Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
-%
-Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
-%
-Heisenberg may have been here.
-%
-Heisenberg may have slept here.
-%
-Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
- -- Milton Friedman
-%
-Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
-for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
- -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
-%
-Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
-how are they supposed to know you care?
-%
-Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
-%
-Hell, n.:
- Truth seen too late.
-%
-Heller's Law:
- The first myth of management is that it exists.
-
-Johnson's Corollary:
- Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
- organization.
-%
-Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
-please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
-Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
-%
-Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
-date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
-And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
-you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
-smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
-don't hear your girl screaming any more?
-
- Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
- You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
- You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
-%
-"Hello," he lied.
- -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
-%
-Hell's broken loose.
- -- Robert Greene
-%
-Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
-%
-HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
-%
-HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
- -- E. E. CUMMINGS
-%
-Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
-%
-Help fight continental drift.
-%
-HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune!
-%
-Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
-%
-Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
-%
-Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
-%
-Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
-getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
-her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
-regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
-them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
-them, without any power of engaging their respect.
- -- J. Austen
-%
-Her locks an ancient lady gave
-Her loving husband's life to save;
-And men -- they honored so the dame --
-Upon some stars bestowed her name.
-
-But to our modern married fair,
-Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
-No stellar recognition's given.
-There are not stars enough in heaven.
-%
-Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
-from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
-%
-Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
-%
-Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
-I've been caught inside this trap too many times
-I must've walked these steps and said these words a
- thousand times before
-It seems like I know everybody's lines.
- -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
-%
-Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
-I grow up.
- -- Peter Drucker
-%
-Here I sit, broken-hearted,
-All logged in, but work unstarted.
-First net.this and net.that,
-And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
-
-The boss comes by, and I play the game,
-Then I turn back to net.flame.
-Is there a cure (I need your views),
-For someone trapped in net.news?
-
-I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
-'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
-%
-Here in my heart, I am Helen;
- I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
-I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
- I'm Salome, moon of the East.
-
-Here in my soul I am Sappho;
- Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
-In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
- With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
-
-I'm all of the glamorous ladies
- At whose beckoning history shook.
-But you are a man, and see only my pan,
- So I stay at home with a book.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
-lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
-your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
-Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
-pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
-but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
-important electrical lesson.
-
-It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
-your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
-objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
-attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
-collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
-friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
-carpet, thus completing the circuit.
-
-Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
-touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
-finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
-have carpeting.
- -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
-if you're alive, it isn't.
-%
-Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
-to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
-marketing anxiety in China.
-
-The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
-inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
-
-Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
-
-The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
-a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
-tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
-satiric vistas do not open up.
- -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
-%
-HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
-SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
-NO LES
-NO MOORE
- -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
-%
-Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
-Now she's at rest, and so am I.
- -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
-%
-Here there by tygers.
-%
-HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
-the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
-around as if you're going to fall.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
-`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
- -- Jay Leno
-%
-Herth's Law:
- He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
-%
-He's been like a father to me,
-He's the only DJ you can get after three,
-I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
-And why he don't like me I don't understand.
- -- The Byrds
-%
-He's dead, Jim.
-%
-He's got the heart of a little child,
-and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
-%
-He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
-%
-He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
-%
-He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
-his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
- -- Phil Lapsley
-%
-He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
-be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
-%
-He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is.
-%
-Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
-If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
-%
-Hewett's Observation:
- The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
- her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
- peers similarly engaged.
-%
-Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
-To get a little more stack;
-If that's not enough then you lose it all
-And have to pop all the way back.
-%
-Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
-gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
-%
-HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
- Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
- tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
- these words were spoken.
-%
-Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
-*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
- -- Gallagher
-%
-Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
-Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
-%
-Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
-the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
-leave your name and message after the beep...
-%
-Hi! How are things going?
- (just fine, thank you...)
-Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
- (you just asked one...)
-Well, how about one more?
- (one more than the first one?)
-Yes.
- (you already asked that...)
-[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
-May I ask two questions, sir?
- (no.)
-May I ask ONE then?
- (nope...)
-Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
- (yes, you may.)
-Sir, how may I ask you a question?
- (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
- the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
- number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
- next one)
-Sir, may I ask nine questions?
- (go right ahead...)
-%
-Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
-As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
-equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
-Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
-probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
-course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
-experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
-of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
-
-Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
-motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain."
- -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
-%
-Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
-You wanna help on the audit now?
-%
-Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
-reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
-nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
-%
-Hickery Dickery Dock,
-The mice ran up the clock,
-The clock struck one,
-The others escaped with minor injuries.
-%
-Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
-
- WE CAN HELP!
-
-Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
-%
-Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
-Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
-Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
-Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
- We buried him today because
- As far as we can tell, he's dead.
- -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
- Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
- "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
- Schickele
-%
-Higgeldy Piggeldy,
-Hamlet of Elsinore
-Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb:
-"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --
-Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."
-%
-Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
-Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
- little of both.
- -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
-%
-High heels are a device invented by a woman
-who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
-%
-High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
-Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
- saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
- smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
- people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
- breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
-High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
-Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
- out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
- *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
- counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
- count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
- RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
- then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
- naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
-All: Amen.
- -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
-%
-HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
- A California innovation composed
- of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
-%
-Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
-%
-Hildebrant's Principle:
- If you don't know where you are going,
- any road will get you there.
-%
-Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
-Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
-Him: "Really? That's incredible...
- It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
- -- "The Jerk"
-%
-Hindsight is always 20:20.
- -- Billy Wilder
-%
-Hippogriff, n.:
- An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
- The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
- eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
- eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study
- of zoology is full of surprises.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Hire the morally handicapped.
-%
-His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
-a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
- -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
-%
-...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
- -- Tommy
-%
-His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
-outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
-%
-His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
-to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
-claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
-stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
-Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
-went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
-prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
-goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
-the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
-Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
-rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
-Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
- -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
-%
-His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
-money, he went to Southern California.
-%
-His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
-%
-His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
- -- P. G. Wodehouse
-%
-His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
-%
-His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
- -- Foghorn Leghorn
-%
-His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
-%
-Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
-of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
-continues to this day.
- -- Wayne Shannon
-%
-History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
-%
-History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
-of the Mexican revolution:
-
- "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
-captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
-shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
-the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
-army where he was then executed."
-%
-History is curious stuff
- You'd think by now we had enough
-Yet the fact remains I fear
- They make more of it every year.
-%
-History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
-cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
- -- Leo Tolstoy
-%
-History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
-%
-History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
- -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
-%
-History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
-%
-History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
-time as bedroom farce.
-%
-History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
-%
-History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
-periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
-asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
-intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
-state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
- -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
-%
-Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
-Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
-Pour my black old coffee longer,
-While that smell is gettin' stronger
-A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
-
-Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
-With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
-If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
-The Lord'll bless your sharin'
-A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
-
-And let me halfway fall in love,
-For part of a lonely night,
-With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
-Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
-Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
-With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
- -- Elroy Blunt
-%
-Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
- The stapler runs out of staples
- only while you are trying to staple something.
-%
-Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
-agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
-used against the coloured.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-Hlade's Law:
- If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
- they will find an easier way to do it.
-%
-Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
-An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
-
-The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
-media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
-discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
-our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
-structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
-remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
-creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
-inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
-class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
-the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
-sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
-exist in a more fundamental sense.
-%
-Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
- Inside every large problem is a small
- problem struggling to get out.
-%
-Hodie natus est radici frater.
-%
-Hoffer's Discovery:
- The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
- revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
-%
-Hofstadter's Law:
- It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
- Hofstadter's Law into account.
-%
-HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
- Take a shot every time:
-
--- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
--- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
--- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
--- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
--- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
- if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
--- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
--- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
- tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
--- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
--- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
--- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
--- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
--- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
--- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
--- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
--- Lebeau wears his apron.
--- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
- plan is impossible.
--- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
-%
-Hollerith, v.:
- What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
-%
-Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
- -- Rex Reed
-%
-Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
-Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
-
- Tune in again tomorrow:
- same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
-%
-HOLY MACRO!
-%
-Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
-they have to take you in.
- -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
-%
-Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
-cage is to a cockatoo.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
-The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
- -- Chris Shaw
-%
-Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
-%
-"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
- -- Samuel Butler
-%
-Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
- -- Plato
-%
-Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
-%
-Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
- -- F. M. Hubbard
-%
-Honesty's the best policy.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Honeymoon, n.:
- A short period of doting between dating and debting.
- -- Ray C. Bandy
-%
-Honi soit la vache qui rit.
-%
-Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
-%
-Honk if you love peace and quiet.
-%
-Honorable, adj.:
- Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
- bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
- "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
- -- Francis Bacon
-%
-Hope is a waking dream.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
- -- M. Horner
-%
-Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
-%
-Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
- -- Peanuts
-%
-Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
-as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
- -- Moore
-%
-Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
- Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
-%
-Horngren's Observation:
- Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
-%
-Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
- -- Jack Benny
-%
-Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
-%
-HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
-%
-Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
-had towels from my house.
- -- Mark Guido
-%
-Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
-%
-Household hint:
- If you are out of cream for your coffee,
- mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
-%
-Housework can kill you if done right.
- -- Erma Bombeck
-%
-Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
- -- Neil Armstrong
-%
-How apt the poor are to be proud.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
-%
-How can you be in two places at once
-when you're not anywhere at all?
-%
-How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind?
- -- Schulz
-%
-How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
- -- Charles de Gaulle
-%
-How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
- -- Pink Floyd
-%
-How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
-thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
-in the waking state?
- -- Plato
-%
-How can you think and hit at the same time?
- -- Yogi Berra
-%
-How can you work when the system's so crowded?
-%
-How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
-%
-How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
-claim they'll make you?
-%
-How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
-%
-How come we never talk anymore?
-%
-How come wrong numbers are never busy?
-%
-How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
-in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
- -- A. Cooper
-%
-How could they think women a recreation?
-Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
-Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
-of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
-be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
-Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
-I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
-of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
-The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
-Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
-A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
-I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
-for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
-To ambergris. But not for recreation.
-I would not have lost so much for recreation.
-
-Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
-of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
-Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
-have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
-But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
-To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
-and call and call forever till she turn from bird
-to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
-To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
-in all her fresh particularity of difference.
-Then oh, through the underwater time of night
-indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
-This I have done with my life, and am content.
-I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
-standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
- -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
-%
-How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
-%
-How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
- -- Elliot, "E.T."
-%
-How doth the little crocodile
- Improve his shining tail,
-And pour the waters of the Nile
- On every golden scale!
-
-How cheerfully he seems to grin,
- How neatly spreads his claws,
-And welcomes little fishes in,
- With gently smiling jaws!
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
-How doth the VAX's C-compiler
- Improve its object code.
-And even as we speak does it
- Increase the system load.
-
-How patiently it seems to run
- And spit out error flags,
-While users, with frustration, all
- Tear all their clothes to rags.
-%
-How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
-journalists, and they believe what they read.
- -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
-%
-How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
-%
-How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
- -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
-%
-"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
-carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
-
-Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
-d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
-what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
-say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
-back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
-cheese!" and so on.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
-%
-How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-None: "We'll document it in the manual."
-%
-How many weeks are there in a light year?
-%
-How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
-Dayton?
- -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
-%
-How much does she love you?
-Less than you'll ever know.
-%
-How much for your women? I want to buy your
-daughter... how much for the little girl?
- -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
-%
-How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
-%
-How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
-%
-How often I found where I should be going
-only by setting out for somewhere else.
- -- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
-How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
-%
-How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
- -- Linus Van Pelt
-%
-How to become a sysop:
- I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
- developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
- worked a full day in my life since then.
- -- rho/slashdot
-%
-How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
- -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
-%
-How untasteful can you get?
-%
-How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
-%
-HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
- #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
-%
-HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
- #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
-%
-HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
- #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
- you.
-%
-How you look depends on where you go.
-%
-Howe's Law:
- Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
-%
-However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
-in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
- -- Tom K. Ryan
-%
-However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
-is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
-There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
-or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
-powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
-sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
-not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
-government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
-with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
-threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
-tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
-that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
-"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
-claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
-angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
-who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
-call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
-of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
-in the name of "conservatism."
- -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
-%
-HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
-that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
-changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
-was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
-amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
-was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
- -- Albuquerque Journal
-%
-Hubbard's Law:
- Don't take life too seriously;
- you won't get out of it alive.
-%
-Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
-Oh wait...
-I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
-Never mind.
-%
-Huh?
-%
-Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
-%
-Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
-Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
-table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
-a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
-walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
-x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
-%
-Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
- -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
-%
-Human resources are human first, and resources second.
- -- J. Garbers
-%
-Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
-responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
-immature.
- -- Tom Robbins
-%
-Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
- -- Alan Kay
-%
-Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
- -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%
-Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
-%
-Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
- -- William Gilbert
-%
-Humorists always sit at the children's table.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
-chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
-jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
-state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
-through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
- "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
-Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
-You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
-dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
-oil!"
- -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
-%
-Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
-Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
-All the king's horses,
-And all the king's men,
-Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
-%
-Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
-%
-Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
- The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
- to... to... uh.....
-%
-Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
-time, turns into people.
- -- Harlow Shapley
-%
-I:
- The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
- with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
-II:
- If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
- probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
-III:
- There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
-IV:
- If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
-V:
- One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
- Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
- output.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
-are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
-carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
-terrifies people the most.
- -- Bob Dylan
-%
-I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
- -- John Hinckley
-%
-I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
- -- Muhammad Ali
-%
-I allow the world to live as it chooses,
-and I allow myself to live as I choose.
-%
-I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
-or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
-viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-
-What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
-good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
- -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
-%
-I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
- -- David Bowie
-%
-I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
-It is never any good to oneself.
- -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
-%
-I always say beauty is only sin deep.
- -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
-%
-I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
-accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
- -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
-%
-I always wake up at the crack of ice.
- -- Joe E. Lewis
-%
-I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
-'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
-I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
-On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
-I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
-The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
-Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
-And a cow. And a cow.
-
-The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
-Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
-The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
-It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
-Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
-One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
- Two game wardens, seven hunters,
- And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
- -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
-%
-I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
-person, you will not sell me another book.
-%
-I am a computer.
-I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
-%
-I am a conscientious man, when I throw
-rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
- -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
-%
-I am a deeply superficial person.
- -- Andy Warhol
-%
-I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
-than be one.
- -- Clarence Darrow
-%
-I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
- -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
-computer to be running Win98.
- -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
-%
-I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
-limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
- -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
-%
-I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
-have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
-This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
-reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
-buy some more.
- -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
-%
-I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
-for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
-is to suffer for others.
- -- Cesar Chavez
-%
-I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
-quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
-otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
- -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
-%
-I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
- -- Katharine Whitehorn
-%
-I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
-I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
-was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
-of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
-you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
-atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
-inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
- -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
-%
-I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
- -- Yul Brynner, 1956
-%
-I am looking for a honest man.
- -- Diogenes the Cynic
-%
-I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
-%
-I am NOMAD!
-%
-I am not a crook.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
- -- A. Ward
-%
-I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
- -- William Allen White
-%
-I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
- -- Paul McCracken
-%
-I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
- -- Gloria Steinem
-%
-I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
- -- Dennis M. Ritchie
-%
-I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
- -- English Professor
-%
-I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
-that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
-planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
-world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
- -- Bill Cole
-%
-I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do
-something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what
-I can do.
- -- Edward Everett Hale, (1822 - 1909)
-%
-I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
-(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
- -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
-%
-I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
-for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
-has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
- -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
-%
-I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
-with an option to buy.
-%
-I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
-%
-I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
-%
-I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
- -- John Donne
-%
-I am two with nature.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
-I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
-sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
-loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
- -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
- University of Tennessee at Knoxville
-%
-I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
-argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
-steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
-they don't even invite me.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without
-thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God.
- -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008)
-%
-I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
-why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
-small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
-would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
-Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
-them completely, even molding the keypads.
- -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
-%
-I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
-ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
-%
-I B M
-U B M
-We all B M
-For I B M!!!!
- -- H.A.R.L.I.E.
-%
-I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
- -- Gilda Radner
-%
-I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
-perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
-I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
-and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
-a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
-together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
-wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
-the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
-be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
-to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
-as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
-twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
-with time.
- -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
-%
-I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
-particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
--- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
-how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
-to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
-political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
-because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
-the people who might elect him.
- -- John F. Kennedy
-%
-I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I believe that professional wrestling is clean
-and everything else in the world is fixed.
- -- Frank Deford, sports writer
-%
-I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
-thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
-total discrediting of the world of reality.
- -- Salvador Dali
-%
-I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-I bet the human brain is a kludge.
- -- Marvin Minsky
-%
-I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
-the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
-end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
-embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
-they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
- -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
- a visit to a London veterans hospital
-%
-I brake for chezlogs!
-%
-I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
-Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
-box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
-relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
-psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
-more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
-sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
-be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
-as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
-thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
-the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
-your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
-your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
-apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
-down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
- -- Townsend Davis
-%
-I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
- -- Biff Barf
-%
-I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
-They're still living in the fifties.
- -- Strange de Jim
-%
-I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
-%
-I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
-All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
- -- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
-%
-I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
-prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
-bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
-relentless day.
- -- Betty MacDonald
-%
-I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
- -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
-%
-I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
- -- Jay Gould
-%
-I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
-and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
- -- Larry Lee
-%
-I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
-%
-I can relate to that.
-%
-I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
-25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
-true.
- -- Harry S. Truman
-%
-I can resist anything but temptation.
-%
-I can see him a'comin'
-With his big boots on,
-With his big thumb out,
-He wants to get me.
-He wants to hurt me.
-He wants to bring me down.
-But some time later,
-When I feel a little straighter,
-I'll come across a stranger
-Who'll remind me of the danger,
-And then.... I'll run him over.
-Pretty smart on my part!
-To find my way... In the dark!
- -- Phil Ochs
-%
-I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
-and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- -- A. J. Liebling
-%
-I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
- -- Lillian Hellman
-%
-I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
- -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
-%
-I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
-of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
- -- F. H. Wales (1936)
-%
-I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
-If it be man's work I will do it.
-%
-I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
-
-What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
-grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
-of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
-United States would have lost World War II."
- -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
-%
-I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- -- Steven Pearl
-%
-I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works.
- -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
- -- Joe Walsh
-%
-I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
- -- Florence Henderson
-%
-I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
- -- Phil Harris
-%
-I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
-If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
-I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
- Your Socks Outside-in
-I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
-Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
-I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
-I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
-I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
- -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
-%
-I can't mate in captivity.
- -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
-%
-I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
-It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
- -- Robert Benchley
-%
-I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
- -- Albert Anastasia
-%
-I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
-forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
- -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
- Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
- Party Conference
-%
-I can't understand it.
-I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
- -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
-%
-I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
-novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
-I'm frightened of the old ones.
- -- John Cage
-%
-I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
-keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
-up a child.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
-a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
- -- Michael Prichard
-%
-I consider a new device or technology to have been
-culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
- -- M. Gallaher
-%
-I consider the day misspent that I am not
-either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
- -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
-%
-I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
-dance with the cows till you come home.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-I could never learn to like her --
-except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
-%
-I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
-time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
- -- Peter Oakley
-%
-I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
-%
-I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
-I should have to believe in it in this one.
- -- Strange de Jim
-%
-I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
- -- Bart Simpson
-%
-I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
-But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
- -- Rita Gain
-%
-I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
-%
-I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
-%
-I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
-The curtain was up.
-%
-I disagree with what you say, but will defend
-to the death your right to tell such LIES!
-%
-I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
-and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
-unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
-you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
- -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
-%
-I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
-too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
- -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
-%
-I do desire we may be better strangers.
- -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
-%
-I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
-%
-I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
-exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
-minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
-accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
-mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
-bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
-different.
- -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
-%
-I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
-Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
-nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
- -- Thomas Paine
-%
-I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
-quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
-the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
-and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
- -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
- threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
- Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
- Cardinals backed down and played.
-%
-I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
- -- Isaac Asimov
-%
-I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
-sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
- -- Galileo Galilei
-%
-I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
-any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
-comes nearest to it of any.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
-butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
- -- Chuang Tzu
-%
-I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
-starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
-reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
-devote it to research in mathematics.
- -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
-%
-I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
-I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
-tiresome.
- -- I Ching
-%
-I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
- -- Salvador Dali
-%
-I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
-don't believe in astrology.
- -- James R. F. Quirk
-%
-I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
-a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
-numbers!!
-%
-I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
-a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
- -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
-%
-I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
-run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
-husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
- -- Heard in Bethlehem
-%
-I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
- -- Calvin Trillin
-%
-I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
-nominating.
- -- Boss Tweed
-%
-I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
-deserve that either.
- -- Jack Benny
-%
-I don't do it for the money.
- -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
-%
-I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
- -- K. Coates
-%
-I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
- -- Katherine Cebrian
-%
-I don't get no respect.
-%
-I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
-I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
-%
-I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
- -- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
-highly trained certified public accountants.
- -- Elvis Presley
-%
-I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
-hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
- -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
-%
-I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
-globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
- -- Bruce Baum
-%
-I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
- -- Elvis Presley
-%
-I don't know what Descartes' got,
-But booze can do what Kant cannot.
- -- Mike Cross
-%
-I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
-more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
- -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
-%
-I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
-%
-I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
-because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
- -- Clarence Darrow
-%
-I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
-I don't trust him.
- -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
- with Dutch Schultz.
-
-I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
-trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
- -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
- "Legs" Diamond.
-%
-I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
- -- Cash McCall
-%
-I don't mind arguing with myself.
-It's when I lose that it bothers me.
- -- Richard Powers
-%
-I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
- -- Ronald Mabbitt
-%
-I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
-streets and frighten the horses.
- -- Victor Hugo
-%
-I don't need no arms around me...
-I don't need no drugs to calm me...
-I have seen the writing on the wall.
-Don't think I need anything at all.
-No! Don't think I need anything at all!
-All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
-All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
- -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
-%
-I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
-%
-I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
-%
-I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
-he starts to practice law.
- -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
- Attorney-General.
-%
-I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
-fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-"I don't think so," said Ren'\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
-%
-I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
-Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
- -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972
-%
-"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
-to the sea and drown yourselves."
-
-"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
-you human beings don't."
- -- James Thurber
-%
-I don't understand you anymore.
-%
-I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
-But there will definitely be a party tonight...
-%
-I don't want a pickle,
-I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
-And I don't want to die,
-I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
- -- Arlo Guthrie
-%
-I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
- -- Jean Anouilh
-%
-I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
-I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
-the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
-thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
-broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
-Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
-their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
- -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
- COMING!"
-%
-I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
-%
-I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
-%
-I dote on his very absence.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-I doubt, therefore I might be.
-%
-I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
-on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
-he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
-becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-I drink to make other people interesting.
- -- George Jean Nathan
-%
-I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
-%
-I enjoy the time that we spend together.
-%
-I exist, therefore I am paid.
-%
-I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
-%
-I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
-%
-I fell asleep reading a dull book,
-and I dreamt that I was reading on,
-so I woke up from sheer boredom.
-%
-I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
-honest difference of opinion.
- -- Isaac Asimov
-%
-I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
-I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
- -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
- just shot.
-%
-I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
-%
-I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
- -- Augustus Caesar
-%
-I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
-reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
- -- Gautama Buddha
-%
-I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
-I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
-I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
-I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
-
-How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
-How can there be a building, that has no floor?
-How can there be a program, that has no end?
-How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
-
-An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
-A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
-A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
-I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
-%
-I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_\bh_\bo_\br_\br_\bi_\bf_\by_\bi_\bn_\bg* 20
-minutes of my life!
-%
-I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
- -- Mae West
-%
-I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
- -- Chauncey Depew
-%
-I get up each morning, gather my wits.
-Pick up the paper, read the obits.
-If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
-So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
-
-Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
-My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
-But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
-And think of the places my get-up has been.
- -- Pete Seeger
-%
-I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
- -- Beauregard Bugleboy
-%
-I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-I go the way that Providence dictates.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
-when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
-farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
-wearing masks for.
- -- James Boren
-%
-I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
-theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
-other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
-stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
-long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
-$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
-a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
- -- Butch Cassidy
-%
-I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
-and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
-
-No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
-human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
-you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
-generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
-puppet.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
-was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
-being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
-time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
-win -- or even how you won.
- -- Cash McCall
-%
-I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
-other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
- -- Hal Clement
-%
-I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
-Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
-one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
- -- D. Cavett
-%
-I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
-we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I had a dream last night...
-I dreamt about 1976.
-I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
-I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
-Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
-so I went back to sleep again.
- -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
-%
-I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
-depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
-see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
-through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
-why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
-dinner and I let it go.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
-in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
-Beach."
- -- The Stunt Man
-%
-I had another dream the other day about government financial management
-people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
-had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
-%
-I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
-and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
-painting by Goya.
- -- Stravinsky
-%
-I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
-people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
-put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
-power to make things different is a bitch.
- -- Miles Davis
-%
-I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
-so I took his shoes.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
-implement a PL/1 compiler.
- -- T. Cheatham
-%
-I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
-Moore show I heard the word "damn!"
- -- Mary Lou Bax
-%
-I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
-%
-I hate babies. They're so human.
- -- H. H. Munro
-%
-I hate dying.
- -- Dave Johnson
-%
-I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
-it's going to be up all night.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
-and I know how bad I am.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-I hate quotations.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
-there's nothing else to do.
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
-ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
- -- Willow
-%
-I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
-open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
-box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
-it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
-had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
-of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
-call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
-doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
-didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
-Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
-and just keeps on typing.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
-the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
-sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
- -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
-%
-I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
-I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
-I just... to make a long story short..."
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
- -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
-%
-I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
-I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
-some of it.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
-And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
-He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
-And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
-
-The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
-Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
-For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
-And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
- -- Robert Louis Stevenson
-%
-I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
-I spent last summer folding it.
-People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
- -- Richard Diran
-%
-I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
-in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
-got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
-%
-I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
-but I can't prove it.
-%
-I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
-any time!
-%
-I have a very strange feeling about this...
- -- Luke Skywalker
-%
-I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
-sacrifice my wife's brother.
- -- Artemus Ward
-%
-I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
-to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
- -- Winston Churchill, 1903
-%
-I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I have become me without my consent.
-%
-I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
-would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
-cent an idiot.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
-to sit still in a room.
- -- Blaise Pascal
-%
-I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
-I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
- -- Camillo Di Cavour
-%
-I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
-to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
-support of the woman I love.
- -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication
- of the British throne in order to marry the American
- divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936)
-%
-I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
-most of them are trash.
- -- Sigmund Freud
-%
-I have gained this by philosophy:
-that I do without being commanded what others
-do only from fear of the law.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
- -- Edgar Allan Poe
-%
-I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
-of a prostate operation.
- -- Malcolm Muggeridge
-%
-I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
- -- Plato
-%
-I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
-I do believe that is a record.
- -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
-%
-I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
-sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
-eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
-have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
-beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
-guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
-of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
- -- Harry S. Truman
-%
-I have learned silence from the talkative,
-toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
- -- Kahlil Gibran
-%
-I have learned
-To spell hors d'oeuvres
-Which still grates on
-Some people's n'oeuvres.
- -- Warren Knox
-%
-I have lots of things in my pockets;
-None of them is worth anything.
-Sociopolitical whines aside,
-Gan you give me, gratis, free,
-The price of half a gallon
-Of Gallo extra bad
-And most of the bus fare home.
-%
-I have made mistakes but I have never made the
-mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
- -- James Gordon Bennett
-%
-I have made this letter longer than usual
-because I lack the time to make it shorter.
- -- Blaise Pascal
-%
-I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
-%
-I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
-_\bB_\bO_\bD_\bY!
- -- from "Cerebus" #82
-%
-I have never been one to sacrifice
-my appetite on the altar of appearance.
- -- A. M. Readyhough
-%
-I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
- -- Rob Pike, on X
-
-Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
-gone in two years. He was half right.
- -- Dennis M. Ritchie
-
-Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
- -- Jim Gettys
-%
-I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
-already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
-establishment.
- -- Alan Bennett
-%
-I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
-in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
- -- Thoreau
-%
-I have no doubt the Devil grins,
-As seas of ink I spatter.
-Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
-The other kind don't matter.
- -- Robert W. Service
-%
-I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
-own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
-of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
- -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-I have not yet begun to byte!
-%
-I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
- -- George Wallace
-%
-I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
-and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
-be blockhead enough to have me.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
- -- Jimmy Carter
-%
-I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
-Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
-advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
-for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
-after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
-of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
-commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even
-the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
-reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
- If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
-a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
-execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
-justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
-venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
-ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
-made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
-declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
- And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
-by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
-advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
-think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
-calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
-In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
-be economized by the aid of machinery.
- -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
-%
-I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
- -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
-%
-I have that old biological urge,
-I have that old irresistible surge,
-I'm hungry.
-%
-I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
- -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
-%
-I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
- -- Richard Burton
-%
-I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
-the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
-authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
- -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
- publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
- editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
- science of data processing), c. 1957
-%
-I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
- -- John D. Rockefeller
-%
-I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
-at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
- -- Poul Anderson
-%
-I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
-%
-I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
-%
-I hear the sound that the machines make,
-and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
-%
-I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
-%
-I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
-interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
-more than he knows.
- -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
-I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
-My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
-But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
-
-The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
-For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
-I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
-So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
-
- -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
-%
-I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
-secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
-%
-I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
- -- Raoul Duke
-%
-I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
-I think I saw God.
- -- B. Hathrume Duk
-%
-I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
-He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
-and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
-ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
- -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
-%
-I just got out of the hospital after a
-speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
- -- Casey Stengel
-%
-I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
- -- Bill Hoest
-%
-I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
-I haven't had time for tobacco since.
- -- Arturo Toscanini
-%
-I knew her before she was a virgin.
- -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
-%
-I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
-If I could just remember what it was.
-%
-I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
-take one along that worked.
- -- Raymond Chandler
-%
-I know if you been talkin' you done said
-just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
-You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
-and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
-But don't you get square!
-There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
-They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
-%
-I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
-%
-I know not how I came into this,
-shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
- -- St. Augustine
-%
-I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
-World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-I know on which side my bread is buttered.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
-The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
- -- Charles Schulz
-%
-I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
-you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
- -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
-custody means. Get even with your old lady.
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
-Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
-myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
-world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
-one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk?
- -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
-%
-I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
-but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
-it means.
-%
-I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
-but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
-%
-I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
-%
-I lately lost a preposition;
-It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
-And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
-Up from out of under there."
-
-Correctness is my vade mecum,
-And straggling phrases I abhor,
-And yet I wondered, "What should he come
-Up from out of under for?"
- -- Morris Bishop
-%
-I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
-Waitin' for the double E.
-The railroad don't run no more.
-Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
- Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
- These young girls won't let me be,
- Lord have mercy on me!
- Woe is me!
-
-Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
-Well, I ain't naming names.
-But she really worked me over good,
-She was just like Jesse James.
-She really worked me over good,
-She was a credit to her gender.
-She put me through some changes, boy,
-Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
-
-I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
-She asked me if I'd beat her.
-She took me back to the Hyatt House,
-I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
- -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
-%
-I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
-didn't is just lyin'!
- -- Willie Nelson
-%
-I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
- -- Art Leo
-%
-I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
-that kidnaped Europa.
- -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
-%
-I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization.
- -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%
-I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
-promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
-peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
-the way and let them have it.
- -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
-%
-I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
- -- Tom McGuane
-%
-I like your game but we have to change the rules.
-%
-I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
-%
-I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
-to bite people themselves.
- -- August Strindberg
-%
-I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
-I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
- -- Art Buchwald
-%
-I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
-person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- -- Rita Rudner
-%
-I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
-someone takes them away.
- -- Nancy Mitford
-%
-I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
-It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
-%
-I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
- -- Schulz
-%
-I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
- -- Walt Disney
-%
-I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
-entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
- -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
-%
-I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
- -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
-%
-I love to eat them Smurfies
-Smurfies what I love to eat
-Bite they ugly heads off,
-Nibble on they bluish feet.
-%
-I love treason but hate a traitor.
- -- Gaius Julius Caesar
-%
-I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
- -- Elvis Costello
-%
-I love you, not only for what you are,
-but for what I am when I am with you.
- -- Roy Croft
-%
-I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
-commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
-irresistible.
- -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
-%
-I married beneath me. All women do.
- -- Lady Nancy Astor
-%
-I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
-don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
-speed of light.
- -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
-%
-I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
-%
-I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
- -- Doctor Graper
-%
-I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
- -- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
- -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
-%
-I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
-clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
-congressman.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
-I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
- -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
-%
-I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
- -- Alexander Woollcott
-%
-I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
-week sometimes to make it up.
- -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
-%
-I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
-%
-I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
-and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
--- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
-we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
-feet for the base.
-
-And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
-sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
-m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
-roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
-sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
-
-Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
-area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
-crowding.
- -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
-%
-I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
- -- Fratianno
-%
-I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
-legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
-way.
- -- Jay Gould
-%
-I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
-something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
- -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
-%
-I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
- Royal Family
-%
-I never did it that way before.
-%
-I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
-places they do today.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
-could do was to go away.
-%
-I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
- -- Mickey Cohen
-%
-I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
- -- Mae West
-%
-I never made a mistake in my life.
-I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
- -- Lucy Van Pelt
-%
-I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
- -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
-%
-I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
-%
-I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
-%
-I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
-what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
-%
-I never saw a purple cow
-I never hope to see one
-But I can tell you anyhow
-I'd rather see than be one.
- -- Gellett Burgess
-
-I've never seen a purple cow
-I never hope to see one
-But from the milk we're getting now
-There certainly must be one
- -- Ogden Nash
-
-Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
-I'm sorry now I wrote it
-But I can tell you anyhow
-I'll kill you if you quote it.
- -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
-%
-I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
-%
-I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-I only know what I read in the papers.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
- -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
-%
-I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
-letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
-words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
-resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
-then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
-that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
-a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
- -- Letters From Colette
-%
-I owe, I owe,
-It's off to work I go...
-%
-I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
-toilet seat.
- -- Michael McShane
-%
-I owe the public nothing.
- -- J. P. Morgan
-%
-I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
-the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
-not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
-must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
-in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
-wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
-will be happy.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
-kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
-substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
-restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
-made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
-powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
-nerve disease.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
-%
-I pledge allegiance to the flag
-of the United States of America
-and to the republic for which it stands,
-one nation,
-indivisible,
-with liberty
-and justice for all.
- -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
-%
-I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
-%
-I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
- -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
-%
-I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
- -- Cicero
-
-Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
- -- Poor Richard
-%
-I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
- -- William F. Buckley
-%
-I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
-on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
-tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
-they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
-crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
-These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
-aspire to crudeness.
- -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
-%
-I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
- -- Neil Armstrong
-%
-I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
-parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
-motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
- Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
- "What's it about?"
- "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
- "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
- -- Ian Shoales
-%
-I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
-To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
-%
-I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
- -- Aneurin Bevan
-%
-I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
-the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
-congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
-so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
-plumber.
-
-But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
-as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
-the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
-win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
-write about, such as nose-picking.
- -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
- Political Fallout"
-%
-I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
- -- Marilyn Chambers
-%
-I really hate this damned machine
-I wish that they would sell it.
-It never does quite what I want
-But only what I tell it.
-%
-I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
-who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
-something of what has been passing in their time.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
-reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
-I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
- -- Stephen King
-%
-I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
-believing that some men are my equals.
- -- Brigid Brophy
-%
-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
-%
-I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
-morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
-the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
-invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
-the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
-asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
-"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
-that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
- -- Alistair Cooke
-%
-I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
-to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
-and didn't come back for 20 years.
-%
-I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
-kind of loophole.
- -- Leo Kessler
-%
-I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
-looks like I'm the only one moving.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
- -- Wilson Mizner
-%
-I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
-woman should marry -- and no man.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
-%
-I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
-England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
-raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
-New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
-countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
-if they don't get it.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
-and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
-%
-I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
-'Round and round they sped.
-I was disturbed at this,
-I accosted the man,
-"It is futile," I said.
-"You can never--"
-"You lie!" He cried,
-and ran on.
- -- Stephen Crane
-%
-I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
-never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
-deserve a series?"
-%
-I saw what you did and I know who you are.
-%
-I see a bad moon rising.
-I see trouble on the way.
-I see earthquakes and lightnin'
-I see bad times today.
-Don't go 'round tonight,
-It's bound to take your life.
-There's a bad moon on the rise.
- -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
-%
-I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
-they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
-I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
-Bernoulli would have been content to die
-Had he but known such _\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
-the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
-us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
-I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
-The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
-They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
-The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
-"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
-I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
-It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
-But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
-"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
- knocked,
-I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
-"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
-
- "Is that all?" asked Alice.
- "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
-I sent a message to another time,
-But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
-I sent a message to another plane,
-Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
-...
-I met someone who looks at lot like you,
-She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
-She's only programmed to be very nice,
-But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
-She tells me that she likes me very much,
-But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
-...
-I realize that it must seem so strange,
-That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
-She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
-She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
- -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
-%
-I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
-a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
-in his veins.
- -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
-%
-I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
-it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
-he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
-that matters, but victory.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
- -- graffito in Los Angeles
-
-On a clear day,
-U.C.L.A.
- -- graffito in San Francisco
-
-There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
-lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- -- Robert Orben
-%
-I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
-most western countries.
- -- George Burns
-%
-I smell a wumpus.
-%
-I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
-Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
-ability.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-I steal.
- -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
-
-Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
- -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
-%
-I stick my neck out for nobody.
- -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942)
-%
-I stood on the leading edge,
-The eastern seaboard at my feet.
-"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
-I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
-Go on and give it a try,
-Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
- -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
-%
-I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
-see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
- -- Shirley Temple
-%
-I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.
- -- C-3PO
-%
-I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
-too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
-direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
-much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
-tub to face is up.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
-Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
-Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
-That needs a helping hand,
-Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
- -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
-%
-I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
-country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
-I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
-are worth considering, to wit:
-
-[110.13]:
- "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
- to interfere with oncoming traffic."
-
-[22.17b]:
- "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
- recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
- game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
- on the highway."
-
-[41.16]:
- "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
- asking for it."
-%
-I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
-country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
-I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
-are worth considering, to wit:
-
-[131.16d]:
- "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
- inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
- a U-turn on a divided highway."
-
-[96.7b]:
- "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
- quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
- traveling more than 60 MPH."
-%
-I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
-country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
-I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
-are worth considering, to wit:
-
-[173.15b]:
- "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
- that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
-
-[141.2a]:
- "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
- parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
- a 5' parking space."
-
-[105.31]:
- "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
- Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
-%
-I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
-thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
-%
-I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
-is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
- -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
-%
-I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
-pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
-munchies, and ate the other half.
-
-Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
-bottle stuck up my nose.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
-and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
-
-Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
-fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
-"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
-the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
-I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
- -- M. C. Escher
-%
-I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
-or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
-paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
-%
-I think it is true for all _\bn. I was just playing it safe with _\bn >= 3
-because I couldn't remember the proof.
- -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
-%
-I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
-%
-I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
-desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
- -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
-%
-I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
-and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
-country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
-in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
-not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
- -- Monty Python
-%
-I think that I shall never hear
-A poem lovelier than beer.
-The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
-With golden base and snowy cap.
-The stuff that I can drink all day
-Until my mem'ry melts away.
-Poems are made by fools, I fear
-But only Schlitz can make a beer.
-%
-I think that I shall never see
-A billboard lovely as a tree.
-Indeed, unless the billboards fall
-I'll never see a tree at all.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-I think that I shall never see
-A thing as lovely as a tree.
-But as you see the trees have gone
-They went this morning with the dawn.
-A logging firm from out of town
-Came and chopped the trees all down.
-But I will trick those dirty skunks
-And write a brand new poem called "Trunks."
-%
-I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
-to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
-farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
-into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
-the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
-off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
-color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
-out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
-singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
- -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
-%
-I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
-remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
- -- Chick
-%
-I think the world is run by C students.
- -- Al McGuire
-%
-I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
-could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
- -- Jordan K. Hubbard
-%
-I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
-I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
-say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
-effect."
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I think, therefore I am... I think.
-%
-I think there's a world market for about five computers.
- -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943)
-%
-I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
-paneling.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
- -- T. S. Eliot
-%
-I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
-... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
-we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
-When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
-are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
-driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
-Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
-were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
-conversation ...
- -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
- -- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-I think we're in trouble.
- -- Han Solo
-%
-I think your opinions are reasonable,
-except for the one about my mental instability.
- -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University
-%
-"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
-"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
-"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
-"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
-Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
-They had so much in common, you'd say.
-They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
-And prompts that were cute or risque'.
-He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
-She sent one from some past high school day,
-And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
-If they hadn't met in L.A.
-"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
-He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
-And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
-If you were not so totally weird!"
-If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
-And he had not done just the same,
-They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
-And would not have had fun with the game.
- -- Judith Schrier,
- "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
-%
-I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
-working for scale.
- -- The Firesign Theatre,
- "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
-%
-I thought YOU silenced the guard!
-%
-I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
-pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
-of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
-It's about Russia.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
-desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
-the quest.
- -- Madeleine Gobeil
-%
-I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
-constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
-and drown myself in the noise.
- -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
-%
-I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
- -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
-%
-I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
- -- Bill Veeck
-%
-I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
- -- Judge Harold T. Stone
-%
-I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
-The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
-degrees today," and I said "Oops."
-
-In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
-I never have to go upstairs.
-
-I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
-front of it in only eight minutes.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
- -- Carole Wallach
-%
-I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
- -- Woodrow Wilson
-%
-I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
- -- Nam June Paik
-%
-I used to be a rebel in my youth.
-This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
-Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
-problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
-a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
-I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
-I feel these days.
- -- J. Feiffer
-%
-I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
-%
-I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
- -- Elvis Costello
-%
-I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- -- Mae West
-%
-I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
-I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
-I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
-With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
-And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
- No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
- No more, Mr. Clean,
- No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
-They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
-
-My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
-Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
-I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
-The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
-And punched me in the nose, he said,
-(chorus)
-He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
- -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
-%
-I used to have a drinking problem.
-Now I love the stuff.
-%
-I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
-to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
-
-I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
-like I'm the only one moving.
-
-I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
-the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
-to be out that long."
-
-I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
-my car goes 500 miles an hour.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
-I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
-more mature than I am.
-%
-I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
-%
-I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
-foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
-loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
- -- Rita Mae Brown
-%
-I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
-my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
- -- Emo Phillips
-%
-I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
-the place.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
-don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
-with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
-the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
-in the summer.
- -- Brendan Behan
-%
-I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
-%
-I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
-%
-I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
-Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
-HAW'!!"
- -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
-%
-I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
- -- Freud
-%
-I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
-%
-I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
-endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
-pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
-bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
-excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
-critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
-the earth.
- Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
-%
-I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
-ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
-anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
-a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
-up.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
-Trouble I love and peace I despise
-Wild horses kicked me in my side
-Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
- -- Bo Diddley
-%
-I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
-put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
-what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
-should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
-get off my driveway.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I was eatin' some chop suey,
-With a lady in St. Louie,
-When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
-And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
-Roll this rocker out some money,
-Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
- -- Mr. Miggle
-%
-I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
-I said I didn't know.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
-around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
-I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
-She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
-chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
-you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
-that all the time."
- -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
-%
-I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
-the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
- -- Phyllis Diller
-%
-I was in accord with the system so long as it
-permitted me to function effectively.
- -- Albert Speer
-%
-I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
-these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
-kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
-I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
-avoiding the beach.
- -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
-%
-I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
-lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
-anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
-breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really
-gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
-works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
-Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
-for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
-two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
-was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
-I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
- -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
-%
-I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
-their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
-buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
- -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
-%
-I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
-full house and four people died.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I was the best I ever had.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
- -- Billy Braver
-%
-I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
-desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
-because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
-me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
-took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
-%
-I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
- -- Chico Marx
-%
-I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
-in the room alone.
-%
-I went home with a waitress,
-The way I always do.
-How I was I to know?
-She was with the Russians too.
-
-I was gambling in Havana,
-I took a little risk.
-Send lawyers, guns, and money,
-Dad, get me out of this.
- -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
-%
-I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
-If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
-It's the truth.
- -- Charlie Chaplin
-%
-I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
-expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
-stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
-the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
-to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
-answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
-showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
-an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
-program to the point where it would not run at all.
- -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
- Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
-%
-I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
-I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
-He said "Nothin'."
-Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
-As if you just squashed a cop.
- -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
-%
-I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
-Great song.
- -- Fred Reuss
-%
-I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
-questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
-speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
-
-He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
-for him then.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
-years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
-would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
-all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
-
-Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
-been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
-
-There was a computer in every doorknob.
- -- Danny Hillis
-%
-I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
-I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
-of a robber.
- -- Tiburcio Vasquez
-%
-I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
-the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
-included.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
-statues that are in all the other museums.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
-it took seven others to beat him!
-%
-I will always love the false image I had of you.
-%
-I will follow the good side right to the fire,
-but not into it if I can help it.
- -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
-%
-I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
-year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
-Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
-the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
-writing on this stone!
- -- Charles Dickens
-%
-I will make you shorter by the head.
- -- Elizabeth I
-%
-I will never lie to you.
-%
-I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
-%
-I will not drink!
-But if I do...
-I will not get drunk!
-But if I do...
-I will not in public!
-But if I do...
-I will not fall down!
-But if I do...
-I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
-%
-I will not forget you.
-%
-I will not play at tug o' war.
-I'd rather play at hug o' war,
-Where everyone hugs
-Instead of tugs,
-Where everyone giggles
-And rolls on the rug,
-Where everyone kisses,
-And everyone grins,
-And everyone cuddles,
-And everyone wins.
- -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
-%
-I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
-one every day.
- -- Heine
-%
-I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
-we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
- -- Jack Handey
-%
-I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
-and Superman away.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
-intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
-seem to work.
- -- Gallagher
-%
-I wish you humans would leave me alone.
-%
-I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
-%
-I woke up a feelin' mean
-went down to play the slot machine
-the wheels turned round,
-and the letters read
-"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
- -- Grateful Dead
-%
-I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
-had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
-"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
-replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
-know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
-be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
-I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
- -- Bastian B. Bux
-%
-I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
- -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
-%
-I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
-"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
-but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
-because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
-after we've been home a long while.
- -- Casey Stengel
-%
-I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
-only they won't let me raise my voice.
- -- Winkle
-%
-I would have made a good pope.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
-gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
-missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
- -- Oliver North
-%
-I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
-of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
-image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
-forget or do not know.
- -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to image activation and termination.]
-%
-I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
-understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
-our tasks will be solved.
- -- Warren G. Harding
-%
-I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection
-with income tax policies.
- -- William F. Buckley
-%
-I would like to know
-What I was fencing in
-And what I was fencing out.
- -- Robert Frost
-%
-I would much rather have men ask why
-I have no statue, than why I have one.
- -- Marcus Porcius Cato
-%
-I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
-they're being taped.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-
-I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
- -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
-%
-I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
-and be above ground than reign among the dead.
- -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
-%
-I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
-sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
-%
-I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
-%
-I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
-%
-I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
-for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
-them scream.
- -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
- escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
-%
-I
-am
-not
-very
-happy
-acting
-pleased
-whenever
-prominent
-scientists
-overmagnify
-intellectual
-enlightenment
-%
-IBM:
- [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
- Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
- marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
- and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
- of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
- employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
-%
-IBM:
- I've Been Moved
- Idiots Become Managers
- Idiots Buy More
- Impossible to Buy Machine
- Incredibly Big Machine
- Industry's Biggest Mistake
- International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
- It Boggles the Mind
- It's Better Manually
- Itty-Bitty Machines
-%
-IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
-who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
- -- with regrets to Douglas Adams
-%
-IBM had a PL/I,
-Its syntax worse than JOSS;
-And everywhere this language went,
-It was a total loss.
-%
-IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
-%
-IBM Pollyanna Principle:
- Machines should work. People should think.
-%
-IBM's original motto:
- Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
-%
-I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
- -- John Denver
-
-[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
-%
-I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
-%
-I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
- -- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
-above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
-feel it.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
-%
-I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
-whole field to private industry.
- -- Joseph Heller
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
-to undo it.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
-snore.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
-"Y".
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
-came back.
-%
-I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
-tuned.
-%
-I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
- -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
-%
-I'd never cry if I did find
- A blue whale in my soup...
-Nor would I mind a porcupine
- Inside a chicken coop.
-Yes life is fine when things combine,
- Like ham in beef chow mein...
-But lord, this time I think I mind,
- They've put acid in my rain.
- -- Milo Bloom
-%
-I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
-Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
- -- Brenda Starr
-%
-I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
-%
-I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
-%
-I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
- -- Fred Allen
-
-[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
-%
-I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
-%
-I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
-Than cry with the saints,
-The sinners are much more fun!
- -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
-%
-I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
-%
-Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
-solitary confinement.
-%
-Identify your visitor.
-%
-Idiot Box, n.:
- The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
- stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Idiot, n.:
- A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
- affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-IDLENESS:
- Leisure gone to seed.
-%
-Idleness is the holiday of fools.
-%
-If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
-and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
-shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
-well that would be enough immortality for me.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
- -- Roy Santoro
-%
-If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
-at about 30 miles/second.
- -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
-%
-If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
- -- Paul White
-%
-If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
-is a camel's behind.
- -- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
-%
-If A equals success, then the formula is _\bA = _\bX + _\bY + _\bZ. _\bX is work. _\bY
-is play. _\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
- -- William Blake
-%
-If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
-there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
- -- T. Cheatham
-%
-If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
-really a guru at all?
- -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
-%
-If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
-is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
- -- Joseph C. Goulden
-%
-IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
-is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
-to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-If a listener nods his head when you're
-explaining your program, wake him up.
-%
-If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
- -- Thomas Wolfe
-%
-If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
-If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
-%
-If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
-he will lose his reverence for all of life.
- -- Albert Schweitzer
-%
-If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
-separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
-it might well prolong his life.
- -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
-%
-If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
-... it expects what never was and never will be.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
-and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
-will lose that, too.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
-and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
-convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
- -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
-%
-If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
-%
-If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
-The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
-in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
-gravity supersedes the law of golf.
- -- Donald A. Metz
-%
-If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
-love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
- -- Saint Augustine
-%
-If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
-is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
-only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
-%
-If a system is administered wisely,
-its users will be content.
-They enjoy hacking their code
-and don't waste time implementing
-labor-saving shell scripts.
-Since they dearly love their accounts,
-they aren't interested in other machines.
-There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
-but these don't access any hosts.
-There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
-but nobody ever uses them.
-People enjoy reading their mail,
-take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
-spend weekends working at their terminals,
-delight in the doings at the site.
-And even though the next system is so close
-that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
-they are content to die of old age
-without ever having gone to see it.
-%
-If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
-If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
-game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
-course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
-goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
- -- Sparky Anderson
-%
-If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
-%
-If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
-to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
-that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
- -- Rob Stampfli
-%
-If all be true that I do think,
-There be five reasons why one should drink;
-Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
-Or lest we should be by-and-by,
-Or any other reason why.
-%
-If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
- -- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-If all else fails, lower your standards.
-%
-If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
-%
-If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
-platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
-that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
-%
-If all the seas were ink,
-And all the reeds were pens,
-And all the skies were parchment,
-And all the men could write,
-These would not suffice
-To write down all the red tape
-Of this Government.
-%
-If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
- -- Paul Beatty
-%
-If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
-we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
- -- William Baumol
-%
-If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
-and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
-not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
-camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
-responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
-collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
-have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
- -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
- in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
-%
-If an S and an I and an O and a U
-With an X at the end spell Su;
-And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
-Pray what is a speller to do?
-Then, if also an S and an I and a G
-And an HED spell side,
-There's nothing much left for a speller to do
-But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
- -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
-%
-If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
-car he ever lays down in front of.
- -- George Wallace
-%
-If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
-let him become president of Harvard.
- -- Edward Holyoke
-%
-If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
-We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
-blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
-tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
-%
-If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
- -- W. E. Hickson
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
-Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
- -- W. C. Fields
-
-[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
- -- Leonard Levinson
-%
-If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
-%
-If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
-identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
-collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
-I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
-plentiful as blackberries.
- -- Leslie Stephen
-%
-If bankers can count, how come they have
-eight windows and only four tellers?
-%
-If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
-some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
- -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
-%
-If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
-but illegal purposes.
- -- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
-%
-If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
- -- William Blake
-%
-If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
-Watt's office.
- -- Wayne Shannon
-%
-If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
-%
-If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
-serve us right.
- -- Alistair Cooke
-%
-If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
-%
-If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
-%
-If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
-there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
-is a fraud.
- -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
-%
-If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
-do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
-no middleman.
- -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
-%
-If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
-him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
- -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
-%
-If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
-around a deal faster.
- -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
-If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
-%
-If everything on the road of life seems to
-be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-%
-If everything seems to be going well,
-you have obviously overlooked something.
-%
-If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
-%
-If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
-is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
-exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
-after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
-exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
-can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
- -- Bill Boquist
-%
-If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
- -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
-%
-If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
-to a can.
-%
-If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
-%
-If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
-%
-If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
-%
-If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
-%
-If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
-%
-If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
-%
-If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
-we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
-%
-If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
-%
-If God had not given us sticky tape,
-it would have been necessary to invent it.
-%
-If God had really intended men to fly,
-he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
- -- George Winters
-%
-If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
-have made them cute and furry.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
-only ten apostles.
-%
-If God had wanted you to go around nude,
-He would have given you bigger hands.
-%
-If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
-He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
-%
-If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
-%
-If God is One, what is bad?
- -- Charles Manson
-%
-If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
-%
-If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
- -- Yiddish saying
-%
-If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
- -- Marvin Kitman
-%
-If God wanted us to have a President,
-He would have sent us a candidate.
- -- Jerry Dreshfield
-%
-If graphics hackers are so smart,
-why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
-%
-If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-If he had only learnt a little less, how
-infinitely better he might have taught much more!
-%
-If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
-and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
-think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
- -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
-%
-If he should ever change his faith,
-it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
-%
-If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
- -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
- -- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-If I could read your mind, love,
-What a tale your thoughts could tell,
-Just like a paperback novel,
-The kind the drugstore sells,
-When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
-The hero would be me,
-Heroes often fail,
-You won't read that book again, because
- the ending is just too hard to take.
-
-I walk away, like a movie star,
-Who gets burned in a three way script,
-Enter number two,
-A movie queen to play the scene
-Of bringing all the good things out in me,
-But for now, love, let's be real
-I never thought I could act this way,
-And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
-I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
-And I just can't get it back...
- -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
-%
-If I could stick my pen in my heart,
-I would spill it all over the stage.
-Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
-Would you think the boy was strange?
-Ain't he strange?
-...
-If I could stick a knife in my heart,
-Suicide right on the stage,
-Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
-Would it help to ease the pain?
-Ease your brain?
- -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
-%
-If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
- -- Danno Coppock
-%
-If I don't drive around the park,
-I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
-If I'm in bed each night by ten,
-I may get back my looks again.
-If I abstain from fun and such,
-I'll probably amount to much;
-But I shall stay the way I am,
-Because I do not give a damn.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
-%
-If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
-Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
-as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
-you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
- -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
-%
-If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
-%
-IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
-got to be a better way.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
-I'd sell the plantation and go home.
- -- Eugene P. Gallagher
-%
-If I had any humility I would be perfect.
- -- Ted Turner
-%
-If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
-a laboratory jar at Harvard.
- -- Frank Sinatra
-
-AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
- -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
-%
-If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
-would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
-trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
-I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
-travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
-You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
-and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
-if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
-have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
-years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
-without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
-If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
-lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
-earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
-more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
-ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
-%
-If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
- -- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
-%
-If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
-shoulders of giants.
- -- Isaac Newton
-
-In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
-the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
- -- Gerald Holton
-
-If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
-my shoulders.
- -- Hal Abelson
-
-Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
- -- Gauss
-
-Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
-stand on each other's toes.
- -- Richard Hamming
-
-It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
-this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
-software engineers dig each other's graves.
- -- Unknown
-%
-If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
- -- Bob Hope
-%
-If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
-I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
- -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
-%
-If I love you, what business is it of yours?
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
-just couldn't help myself.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
- -- Alan Parsons Project
-%
-If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
-I'm an engineer working on something.
- -- S. R. McElroy
-%
-If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
-%
-If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
-As Dame Fortune did intend,
-Murphy would be there to tell me
-The pot's at the other end.
- -- Bert Whitney
-%
-If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
-%
-If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
-work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
- -- Douglas Jerrold
-%
-If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
-because I can't swim.
- -- Bob Stanfield
-%
-If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
-I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
- -- G. Hirst
-%
-If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
-%
-If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
- -- Jerry Muscha
-%
-If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
-answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
-%
-If in doubt, mumble.
-%
-If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
-%
-If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
-%
-If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
- -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
-%
-If it happens once, it's a bug.
-If it happens twice, it's a feature.
-If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
-%
-If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
-%
-If it heals good, say it.
-%
-If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
-answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
- -- Samuel Clemens
-%
-If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
-%
-If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
-it's physics.
-%
-If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
-%
-If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
-%
-If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
-%
-If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
- -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
-%
-If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
-I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
-the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
-forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
-of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
- -- James Dickey
-%
-If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
-%
-If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
-%
-If it's worth doing, do it for money.
-%
-If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
-%
-If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
-%
-If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
-They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
-fun of it.
- -- Thomas Carlyle
-%
-If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
-send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
-other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
-of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
-they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
-they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
-them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
- -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
-%
-If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
-had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
- -- Karl Marx's Mother
-%
-If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
-%
-If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
-%
-If life is merely a joke, the question
-still remains: for whose amusement?
-%
-If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
-%
-If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
- -- Tom Robbins
-%
-If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
-you've got in the house.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
- -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
-%
-If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
- -- Phil Lapsley
-%
-If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
-%
-If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
- -- Mary Wilson Little
-%
-If mathematically you end up with the wrong
-answer, try multiplying by the page number.
-%
-If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
-be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
- -- Frances Rodman
-%
-If men are not afraid to die,
-it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
-
-If men live in constant fear of dying,
-And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
-Who will dare to break the law?
-
-There is always an official executioner.
-If you try to take his place,
-It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
-If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
- you will only hurt your hand.
- -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
-%
-If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
-%
-If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
-be a merrier world.
- -- J. R. R. Tolkien
-%
-If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
-of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
-and from that to incivility and procrastination.
- -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859)
-%
-If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
-over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
-of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
-in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
-far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
-various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
-it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
-connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
-get an unfair advantage.
- -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
-%
-If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
- -- Oscar Wilde,
- "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
-%
-If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-If only God would give me some clear sign!
-Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
-%
-If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
-%
-If only you knew she loved you, you could
-face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
-%
-If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
-%
-If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
-he should see how bad it is with representation.
-%
-If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
-then we are a sorry lot indeed.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
-there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
- -- Doug Larson
-%
-If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
- -- Edward E. Hippensteel
-
-[What brand of ink? Ed.]
-%
-If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
-will take sandwiches.
- -- Lord Boyd-orr
-
-Eats first, morals after.
- -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
-%
-If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
-I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
- -- Hermann Goering
-%
-If people see that you mean them no harm,
-they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
-%
-If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
-%
-If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime
-Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
-an optional preceding '+').
- -- POSIX 2001
-
-The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
-(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
- -- RFC 2822
-%
-If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
- -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
-%
-If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
-%
-If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
-%
-If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
-%
-If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
- -- Tom Wicker
-%
-If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
-
-Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
-Eating components of soured milk.
-On at least one occasion,
- along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
-Or at least in her vicinity,
-And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
-Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
- -- Ann Melugin Williams
-%
-If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
-pool cues, who would win?
- 1) Ricky Schroder
- 2) Gary Coleman
- 3) The television viewing public
- -- David Letterman
-%
-If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
- -- James Nicoll
-%
-If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
-arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
-world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
-the use of the mathematics of probability.
- -- Vannevar Bush
-%
-If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
-books on how to?
- -- Bette Midler
-%
-If she had not been cupric in her ions,
-Her shape ovoidal,
-Their romance might have flourished.
-But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
-His ions ferric,
-Love could not help but die,
-Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
-%
-If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
- -- Robert Frost
-%
-If some people didn't tell you,
-you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
-%
-If someone had told me I would be Pope
-one day, I would have studied harder.
- -- Pope John Paul I
-%
-If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
-%
-If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
-ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
-%
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
-way they do?
-%
-If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
- -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
-%
-If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
-presumably flunk it.
- -- Stanley Garn
-%
-If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
-Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
-and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
- -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
-%
-If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
-this would be a better world.
- -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
-%
-If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
- -- Norm Schryer
-%
-If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
-the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
-college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
-method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
-learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
-be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
-young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
-I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
-by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
-instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
-attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
-not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
-put on a professor.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
-steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
-principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
-feature, that.
- -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
-%
-If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
- -- Robert Moses
-%
-If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
-would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
- -- Doug Larson
-
-[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
-%
-If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
-mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
-%
-If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
-Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
-%
-If the government doesn't trust the people, why
-doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
-%
-If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
-consider what may be fertilizing it.
-%
-If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
-we would be so simple we couldn't.
-%
-If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
-me!
- -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
-%
-If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
-I would have recommended something simpler.
- -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
- Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
-%
-If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
-the lives of both have been wasted.
-%
-If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
-then this sentence would not be false.
-%
-If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
-goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
- -- Frank Zappa
-%
-If the odds are a million to one against something
-occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
-%
-If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
- -- Anatole France
-%
-If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
-what a living the poor could make!
-%
-If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
-%
-If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
-the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
- -- Chris Torek
-%
-If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
-%
-If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
-Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
-on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
-paper folding, or something.
- -- C. Philip Wood
-%
-If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
- -- Chief Dan George
-%
-If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
-If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
-If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
-church attendance will exceed all expectations.
- -- Reverend Chichester
-%
-If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
-%
-If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
-will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
-%
-If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
-of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
-of this life.
- -- Albert Camus
-%
-If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
- -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr.
-%
-If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
-can't afford divorce.
- -- Jack Nicholson
-%
-If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- -- Art Hoppe
-%
-If there is no wind, row.
- -- Polish proverb
-%
-If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
-have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
- -- Saul Goodman
-%
-If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
-%
-If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
-years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
-school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
- -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
-%
-If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
-something out of you.
- -- Muhammad Ali
-%
-If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
-%
-If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
-go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
-days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
-to crudeness...
- -- Johnny Mnemonic
-%
-If they were so inclined, they could impeach
-him because they don't like his necktie.
- -- Attorney General William Saxbe
-%
-If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
-%
-If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
-%
-If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
-It's not time yet.
-%
-If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
-%
-If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
-yesterday?
-%
-If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
-doing the thinking.
- -- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
-helmet off.
- -- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
-itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
- -- Lyndon B. Johnson
-%
-If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
- -- Ernest Hemingway
-%
-If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
-%
-If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
-If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
-%
-If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
-%
-If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
- -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
-%
-If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
-all be millionaires.
- -- Abigail Van Buren
-%
-If we do not change our direction we are
-likely to end up where we are headed.
-%
-If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
- -- John Sinclair
-%
-If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
-of it.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
-findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive.
- -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
- criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
- crimes.
-%
-If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
-It's the light of an oncoming train.
- -- Robert Lowell
-%
-If we spoke a different language, we
-would perceive a somewhat different world.
- -- Wittgenstein
-%
-If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
-we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
- -- Samuel Adams
-%
-If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
-%
-If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
-with alarm clocks.
-%
-If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
-%
-If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
-do something else.
- -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
-%
-If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
-in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
-qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
- -- Marguerite Emmons
-%
-If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
-%
-If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
-beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
-lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
-women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
- -- Gloria Steinem
-%
-If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- -- Aristotle Onassis
-%
-If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
-Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
-than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.
- -- Andrew Plotkin
-%
-If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
-Quit work and play for once!
-%
-If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
- -- Arthur Miller
-%
-If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
- -- Ann Edwards-Duff
-%
-If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
- -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
- crazy.
-%
-If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
- -- Anton Chekov
-%
-If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
-%
-If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
-good, you will get out of it.
-%
-If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
-your honesty is corrupt.
-%
-If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
-longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
- -- Abigail Van Buren
-%
-If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
-If you are for yourself, then what are you?
-If not now, when?
-%
-If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
-evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
-words.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
-by your parents, we will cash your check.
-%
-If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
-over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
- -- Walter Hagen
-%
-If you are smart enough to know that you're not
-smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
-%
-If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
-%
-If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
-%
-If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
- -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
-%
-If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
- -- J. Paul Getty
-%
-If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
-%
-If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either.
- -- Wittgenstein
-%
-If you can read this, you're too close.
-%
-If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
-%
-If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
- -- Harry S. Truman
-%
-If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
-what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
- -- Edwin Schrodinger
-%
-If you can't be good, be careful.
-If you can't be careful, give me a call.
-%
-If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
-%
-If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
-%
-If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
-%
-If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
- -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-%
-If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
-%
-If you catch a man, throw him back.
- -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
-%
-If you continually give you will continually have.
-%
-If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
-accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
-%
-If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
-%
-If you didn't have most of your friends,
-you wouldn't have most of your problems.
-%
-If you didn't have to work so hard,
-you'd have more time to be depressed.
-%
-If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
- -- John Galsworthy
-%
-If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
-it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
- -- Carlyle
-%
-If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
-%
-If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
-%
-If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
-in the Bible.
- -- Mordecai Richler
-%
-If you don't do it, you'll never know what
-would have happened if you had done it.
-%
-If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
-%
-If you don't drink it, someone else will.
-%
-If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
- -- Clarence Day
-%
-If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
- -- Freeman Dyson
-%
-If you don't have the time right now,
-will you have redo right time later?
-%
-If you don't have time to do it right, where
-are you going to find the time to do it over?
-%
-If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
-%
-If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
-%
-If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
- -- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
- -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
-%
-If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
-Lavoris in the toilet.
- -- Jay Leno
-%
-If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
-%
-If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
-either of you for the rest of the day.
-%
-If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
-have to get a toehold in the public eye.
-%
-If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
-an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
-it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
-will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
-it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
-around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
-carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
-raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
-what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
-properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
-gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
-numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
-you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
-over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
-was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
-network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
-software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
-number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
-in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
-get my drift.
-%
-If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
-will.
-%
-If you explain something so clearly that no
-one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
-%
-If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
-%
-If you find a solution and become attached to it,
-the solution may become your next problem.
-%
-If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
-%
-If you float on instinct alone, how can you
-calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
- -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
-%
-If you fool around with something long
-enough, it will eventually break.
-%
-If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
-%
-If you give Congress a chance to vote on
-both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
- -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
-%
-If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
-all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
-so as not to disturb those around you.
-%
-If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
-all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
-swimming.
- -- Jack Handey
-%
-If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
-%
-If you had better tools, you could more
-effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
-%
-If you had just one moment to live
-And they granted you one special wish
-Would you ask for something
-Like another chance.
- -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
-%
-If you hands are clean and your cause is just
-and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
-%
-If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
-%
-If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
- -- Bette Davis
-%
-If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
-%
-If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
-new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
-does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
-make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
-The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
-you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
-will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
-cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
-dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
-of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
-straight.
- -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
-%
-If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
- -- Spiro Agnew
-%
-If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
-%
-If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
- -- Louis Armstrong
-%
-If you have to hate, hate gently.
-%
-If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
-%
-If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
-in chartered accountancy beckons.
- -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
- Systems course.
-%
-If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
-hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
- -- Neil Bogart
-%
-If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
-yourself in the posterior.
- -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
-%
-If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
-%
-If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
-rubbish into it.
- -- William Orton
-%
-If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
-%
-If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
- -- Petersen Nesbit
-%
-If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
-you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
- -- David Letterman
-%
-If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
-365 useless things.
-%
-If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
-probably worth it.
-%
-If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
-%
-If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
- -- Graham Summer
-%
-If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
- -- Simone De Beauvoir
-%
-If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
-because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
- -- George Burns
-%
-If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
-and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
- -- Garrison Keillor
-%
-If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
- -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
-%
-If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
-If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
-%
-If you lose a son you can always get another,
-but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
- -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
-%
-If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
-he'll get rich or famous or both.
-%
-If you love someone, set them free.
-If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
-%
-If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
-come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
-%
-If you make a mistake you right it
-immediately to the best of your ability.
-%
-If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
-with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
-but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
-%
-If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
-be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
- -- Ann Landers
-%
-If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
- -- Schmidt
-%
-If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
-Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
-%
-If you need anything just whistle.
-You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
-Just put your lips together and blow.
- -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
-%
-If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
-they must not be deceiving you very well.
-%
-If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
- -- Maslow
-%
-If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
-can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
-develop.
-%
-If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
-you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
-you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
-ice, but no cup.
-%
-If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
-this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
-somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
-%
-If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
-%
-If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
-But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
-is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it.
- -- Pierre Gallois
-%
-If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
-restaurant.
- -- Snoopy
-%
-If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
-Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
-something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
-they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
-they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
-if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
--- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
- -- Hermann Goering
-%
-If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
-%
-If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
-%
-If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
-deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
-are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
-%
-If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
-%
-If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
-But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
- -- Swami Prabhupada
-%
-If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
-the sucker.
-%
-If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
-%
-If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
-%
-If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
-many it's research.
- -- Wilson Mizner
-%
-If you stew apples like cranberries,
-they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
-It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
- Or some joker who is slicker,
- Will trick you of your liquor,
-If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
-%
-If you stick your head in the sand,
-one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
-%
-If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
-%
-If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
-schizophrenia.
- -- Thomas Szasz
-%
-If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
-then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
-harm.
-%
-If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
-%
-If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
-%
-If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
-wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
-%
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
-try missing a couple of car payments.
- -- Earl Wilson
-%
-If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
-don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
- -- Bruce Schneier
-%
-If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
-someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
-your Bic.
-%
-If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
- -- Arthur Kasspe
-%
-If you think the system is working,
-ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
-%
-If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
-shopping center in the world?
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
-lack sufficient imagination.
-%
-If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
-to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
-say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
-next year.
- What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
- up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
-they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
-to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
-parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
-another one ...
- If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
-unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
-through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
-they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
-your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
-them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
- -- Mr. Interesting
-%
-If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
-end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
- -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
-%
-If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
- -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
-%
-If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
-%
-If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
-done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
-%
-If you want divine justice, die.
- -- Nick Seldon
-%
-If you want me to be a good little bunny
-just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
- -- Lauren Bacall
-%
-If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
- -- Michelet
-%
-If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
-read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
- -- Don Marquis
-%
-If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
-%
-If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
-he gave it to.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
-%
-If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
-books.
- -- Alan King
-%
-If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
- -- Harry Blackstone
-%
-If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
-Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
-Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
-containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
-the word "National".
- -- George Will
-%
-If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
-you say, talk in your sleep.
-%
-If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
-memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
-even if they don't know what it means.
- -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
-%
-If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
-%
-If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
-fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
-heartbeats.
-%
-If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
-If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
-If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
-If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
-%
-If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
-%
-If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
-boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
- -- Anton Chekov
-%
-If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
-If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
- well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
-If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
-If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
- position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
- but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
-If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
- institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
- be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
- why.
-%
-If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
-%
-If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-If you would understand your own age, read the works
-of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
-%
-If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
-Bed down with a pretty girl.
-Amor vincit omnia.
-%
-If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
-%
-If your bread is stale, make toast.
-%
-If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
-If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
- -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"
-%
-If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
-I guess you do have a problem.
- -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
-%
-If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
-%
-If your mind grows weak,
-Don't yield to the weakness.
-Even if tired of thought,
-Never stop thinking.
-My sons and descendants,
-Don't get exhausted in reason--
-But become experienced.
- -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
-%
-If your mother knew what you're doing,
-she'd probably hang her head and cry.
-%
-If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
-%
-If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
-longer be fantasies.
- -- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
-embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
- -- Jack Handey
-%
-If you're careful enough, nothing
-bad or good will ever happen to you.
-%
-If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
-The Olympics are over.
-%
-If you're constantly being mistreated,
-you're cooperating with the treatment.
-%
-If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
-strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
-together yet.
- -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
-%
-If you're going to America, bring your own food.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-If you're going to do something tonight
-that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
- -- Henny Youngman
-%
-If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
-%
-If you're happy, you're successful.
-%
-If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-%
-If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
-%
-If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
-As well as by traffic and crime,
-Consider how worry-free gophers are,
-Though living on burrowed time.
- -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
-%
-If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
-off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
-%
-If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Ignisecond, n.:
- The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
- door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Ignorance is bliss.
- -- Thomas Gray
-
-Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
- BLISS is ignorance.
-%
-Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
-rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
- -- Franklin K. Dane
-%
-Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
-%
-Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
-so resolutely pursuing it.
-%
-Ignore previous fortune.
-%
-Il brilgue: les t^\boves libricilleux
- Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
-Enm^\bim'\bes sont les gougebosquex,
- Et le m^\bomerade horgrave.
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
-Iles's Law:
- There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
- at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see
- it. Neither will Iles.
-%
-I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
-%
-I'll burn my books.
- -- Christopher Marlowe
-%
-I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
-carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
-I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
- -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
-%
-I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
-listen to it!
- -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
-%
-I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
-in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
-%
-I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
-Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
-And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
-And in our bound partition never part.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
-I play just what I feel.
-Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
-And die behind the wheel.
-They got a name for the winners in the world,
-I want a name when I lose.
-They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
-Call me Deacon Blues.
- -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
-%
-I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
- -- Pink Floyd
-%
-I'll never get off this planet.
- -- Luke Skywalker
-%
-I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
-%
-I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
-That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
- -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
-%
-I'll turn over a new leaf.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
-any Indian.
- -- Robert Orben
-
-Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
- -- Jack Paar
-%
-Illegitimi non carborundum
-(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
-%
-Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
-it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
-%
-Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
-%
-Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
-that I could have evolved from man.
-%
-"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
- -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
- the idea of a doomsday machine.
-"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
- -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
- Ellen up a steep incline.
-"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
- -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
-"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
- -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
- Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise.
-"I'm a doctor, not a coal miner."
- -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
-"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
- -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
- that Kirk talked strangely.
-"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
- -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
- aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
-"What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"
- -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
- physical exam to answer the alert.
-%
-I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
-a sports jacket and take off my brain.
-%
-I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
-%
-I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
-thank everyone for making this night necessary.
- -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
-%
-I'm all for computer dating, but I
-wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
-%
-I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
-eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
- -- A. Lyman Chapin
-%
-I'm always looking for a new idea that
-will be more productive than its cost.
- -- David Rockefeller
-%
-I'm an artist.
-But it's not what I really want to do.
-What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
-I know what you're going to say --
-"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
-All right! But it's what I want to do.
-Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
-
-The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
- -- J. Feiffer
-%
-I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
-that I could have been created by man.
-%
-I'm changing my name to Chrysler
-I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
-I'll tell some power broker
- What they did for Iacocca
-Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
-I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
-I'm heading for that great receiving line.
-When they hand a million grand out,
- I'll be standing with my hand out,
-Yessir, I'll get mine!
- -- Tom Paxton
-%
-I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
-%
-"I'm dying," he croaked.
-"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
-"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
-"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
-"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
-"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
-"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
-"You snake," she rattled.
-"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
-"Company's coming," she guessed.
-"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
-"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
-"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
-"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
-"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
- -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
-%
-I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- -- George McGovern
-%
-I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
-I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
-%
-I'm glad I was not born before tea.
- -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
-%
-I'm glad that I'm an American,
-I'm glad that I am free,
-But I wish I were a little doggy,
-And McGovern were a tree.
-%
-I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
-every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
-it with you.
-
-> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
- the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
-> And in LA it's 72.
-
-> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
- is a million percent.
-> And in LA it's 72.
-
-> In New York there are a million interesting people.
-> And in LA there are 72.
-%
-I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
- -- Spider Robinson
-%
-I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
- -- John Foreman
-%
-I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
-says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
- -- Bob Hope
-%
-I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
-%
-I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
- -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
-%
-I'm just as sad as sad can be!
- I've missed your special date.
-Please say that you're not mad at me
- My tax return is late.
- -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
-%
-I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
-living apart.
- -- e. e. cummings
-%
-I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
-N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
-I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
-She's traversed me seven times before.
-And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
-Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
-I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
-N-ary the tree I am, I am,
-N-ary the tree I am.
- -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
-%
-I'm not a lovable man.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
-with twenty-eight years ago.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
-match the men.
- -- George Eliot
-%
-I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
- -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
-%
-I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
-%
-I'm not offering myself as an example;
-every life evolves by its own laws.
-%
-I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
-%
-I'm not proud.
-%
-I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!
-%
-I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
- -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
-%
-I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
-%
-I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
-that good.
- -- Amy Gorin
-%
-I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
-that some thinkle peep I am.
-It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
-%
-I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
-gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
-and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
-to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
-yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
-really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
-what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
-okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
- -- Carl Sagan
-%
-I'm prepared for all emergencies but
-totally unprepared for everyday life.
-%
-I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
--- I could be just as proud for half the money.
- -- Arthur Godfrey
-%
-I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
-Let's not talk again REAL soon...
-%
-I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
-(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
- -- English Professor, Providence College
-%
-I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
-%
-I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
-%
-I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
-coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
-you being a dumbass.
- -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
-%
-I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
-%
-I'm sorry I missed.
- -- Squeaky Fromme
-%
-I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
-%
-I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
-%
-I'm successful because I'm lucky.
-The harder I work, the luckier I get.
-%
-I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
-I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
-In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
-I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
- -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
-%
-I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
-like pigeons and Catholics.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
-lives.
-%
-Imagination is more important than knowledge.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
- -- Jules de Gaultier
-%
-Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
-usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
-thinks of complaining.
- -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
-%
-Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
-It would mean political ruin.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
-a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
-storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
-voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
-What's the first question that the computer community asks?
-
-"Is it PC compatible?"
-%
-Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
- -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
-%
-Imagine what we can imagine!
- -- Arthur Rubinstein
-%
-Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
- -- Genji
-%
-Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
- In order for something to become clean, something else must
- become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
- anything clean.
-%
-Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
-%
-Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
-%
-Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
- -- Lionel Trilling
-%
-Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
- -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
-%
-Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
- -- Edgar A. Shoaff
-%
-Immutability, Three Rules of:
- (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
- (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
- (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
-%
-Impartial, adj.:
- Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
- espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
- conflicting opinions.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
-mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
-Boss is reading it.
-%
-Impossible, adj.:
- (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
- (2) I can't be bothered;
- (3) God can't be bothered.
-Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
- -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
-%
-In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
-waffles.
-%
-In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
-get parts.
-%
-In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
-creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
-%
-In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
-syrup.
-%
-In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
-in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
-revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
-behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
-shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
-
-It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
-ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
-%
-In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
-dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
-more to its liking.
-
-In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
-Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
-liking.
-%
-In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
-%
-In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
-an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
-%
-In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
-the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
-%
-In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
-by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
-has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
- -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
-%
-In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
-humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
-anyway.
- -- The 5th Wave
-%
-In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
-Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
-%
-In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
-placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
-%
-In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
-other really likes.
- -- Elizabeth Ashley
-%
-In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
-in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
-to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
-have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
-%
-In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
-Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
- -- Frank Mankiewicz
-%
-In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
-"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
-of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
-because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
-person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
-superior to Tops10.
-%
-In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
-taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
-%
-In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
-with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
-this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
-%
-In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
-of the risks he takes.
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson
-%
-In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
-sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
-those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
-devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
-as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
- -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
-%
-In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
-be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
-beloved.
- -- Russell Baker
-%
-In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
-%
-In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
-incompetency
- -- The Peter Principle
-%
-In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
-sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
- -- Idi Amin Dada
-%
-In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
-are to be treated as variables.
-%
-In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
-the answer may be obtained by inspection.
-%
-In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
-it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
- -- Stuart Keate
-%
-In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
-%
-IN BOX:
- A catch basin for everything you don't want
- to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
-%
-In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
-the cows are known sluts.
- -- Johnny Carson
-%
-In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
-made the World Series just something that came later.
- -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
-%
-In buying horses and taking a wife
-shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
-%
-In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
-thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
-teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
-said, "up to the mathematicians."
- -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
-%
-In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
-it into television shows.
- -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
-%
-In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
-%
-In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
-against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
-%
-In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
- -- The Kidner Report
-%
-In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
-%
-In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
-He'll kiss it and make it better.
-%
-In charity there is no excess.
- -- Francis Bacon
-%
-In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
-husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
-be free of subjugation.
- -- The Hindu Code of Manu
-%
-In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
-This is called Monotony.
-%
-In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
-a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
-to get her attention.
-%
-In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
-%
-In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
-in any motor vehicle.
-%
-In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
- -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
-%
-In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
-neighbor.
-%
-In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
-%
-In dwelling, be close to the land.
-In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
-In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
-In speech, be true.
-In work, be competent.
-In action, be careful of your timing.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
-programming languages.
-%
-In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
-Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
-And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
- a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
- -- Mary Poppins
-%
-In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
-%
-In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
-transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
-in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
-spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
- -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
-%
-In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
-in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
-%
-In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
-I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
-because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
-didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
-Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
-for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
- -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
-%
-In God we trust; all else we walk through.
-%
-In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
-know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
- -- Plato
-%
-In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
-the sidewalks when a concert is on.
-%
-In her first passion woman loves her lover,
-In all the others all she loves is love.
- -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
-%
-In high school in Brooklyn
-I was the baseball manager,
-proud as I could be
-I chased baseballs,
-gathered thrown bats
-handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
-It was very important work but it was dark blue while
-for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
-but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
-When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
-their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
-I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
-Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
-got these jackets, and among all those green ones
-surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
- I still recall that jacket
- and the memory goes on hurting.
- -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
-%
-In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
-afterwards that causes the problems.
- -- Shelley Winters
-%
-In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
- -- Rex Reed
-%
-In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
-use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
-which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
-murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
-and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
-five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
-The cuckoo-clock.
- -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
-%
-In just seven days, I can make you a man!
- -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
- [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
-%
-In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
-progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
- -- James Slagle
-%
-In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
-pocket.
-%
-In like a dimwit, out like a light.
- -- Pogo
-%
-In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
- -- Bruton
-%
-In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
-pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
-either flying or waiting to board a plane.
-%
-In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
-to take every advantage of the enemy.
-%
-In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
-the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
-have obtained from books of travel.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
-in matters of taste, swim with the current.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
- -- Josi Simon
-%
-In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
-It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
-%
-In most instances, all an argument
-proves is that two people are present.
-%
-In my end is my beginning.
- -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
-%
-In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
-your left leg, it's modern architecture.
- -- Nancy Banks Smith
-%
-IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
-becoming pure energy.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-In Nature there are neither rewards nor
-punishments, there are consequences.
- -- R. G. Ingersoll
-%
-In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
-to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
-speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
-%
-In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
-a practice which is still continued.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
-%
-In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
-you're what's left.
-%
-In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
-%
-In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
-It is not always an easy sacrifice.
-%
-In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
-universe.
- -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
-%
-In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
-is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
-Court decision and violent revolution.
- -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
-%
-In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
-%
-In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
-a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
- -- John Diefenbaker
-%
-In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
-and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
-%
-In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
-of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
-view."
-%
-In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
-happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
- -- Paul Licker
-%
-In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
-want the other person.
- -- Margaret Anderson
-%
-In reply to a message by Scott Long:
-
-> Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
-
-Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
-your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
-computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
-DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
-their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
-whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
-
-It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
-merger be that far off?
- -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
-%
-In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
-Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
-Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
-We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
- -- Will Durst
-%
-In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really
-good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change
-their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
-do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
-human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
-recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
- -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
-%
-In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
-is over six feet in length.
-%
-In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
- -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-In short, _\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _\bN is not Richardian.
-%
-In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
-%
-In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
- -- Anne Frank
-%
-In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
- -- Alan Kay
-%
-In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
-moving automobile.
-%
-[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
-could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
-that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
-
-And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
-over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
-didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
-point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
-we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ...
-
-So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
-Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
-_\bs_\be_\be the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
-rolled back.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
-"In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal
-opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy."
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
-And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
-%
-In the beginning was the word.
-But by the time the second word was added to it,
-there was trouble.
-For with it came syntax ...
- -- John Simon
-%
-In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
-Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
-which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
-intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
-14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
-fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
-discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
-to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
-memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
-
- "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
- could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
- until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
- combination."
-
-Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
-could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
-%
-In the days of old,
-When Knights were bold,
- And women were too cautious;
-Oh, those gallant days,
-When women were women,
- And men were really obnoxious.
-%
-In the dimestores and bus stations
-People talk of situations
-Read books repeat quotations
-Draw conclusions on the wall.
- -- Bob Dylan
-%
-In the early morning queue,
-With a listing in my hand.
-With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
-Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
-I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
-How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
-In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
-With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
- Hey, there it goes my friend,
- I've moved up one at last.
- -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
- Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
-%
-In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
- -- Martin Mull
-%
-In the first place, God made idiots;
-this was for practice; then he made school boards.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
-the proper order then why can't he?
-%
-In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
- -- Joseph Stalin
-%
-In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
-You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
-%
-In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
-woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
- -- Tolstoy
-%
-In the land of the dark the Ship of the
-Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
- -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
-%
-In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-In the long run we are all dead.
- -- John Maynard Keynes
-%
-In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
-a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
-the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
-
-Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
-A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
-%
-In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
-noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
-the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
-conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
-jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
- "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
-live?"
-%
-In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
-displeasing to us.
- -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
-%
-In the next world, you're on your own.
-%
-In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
-wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
-everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
-camp.
- After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
-a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
-louder and louder.
- Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
-the sound of those drums."
- Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
-NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
-%
-In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
-loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
-you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
-lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
-and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
-was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
-struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
-and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
-crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
- -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
- novel.
-%
-In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
-shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
-Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
-thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
-Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
-something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
-conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-In the Spring, I have counted 136
-different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
- -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
-%
-In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
-%
-In the time of peace and harmony
-Be a kind-hearted friend.
-In the time of conflict with enemies
-Be a falcon of advance and attack.
- -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
-%
-In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
-out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
- -- Art Linkletter
-%
-In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
-%
-In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
-In practice, there is.
-%
-In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
- -- Pliny the Elder
-%
-In this vale
-Of toil and sin
-Your head grows bald
-But not your chin.
- -- Burma Shave
-%
-In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
-thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
-So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
-%
-In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
-not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
-%
-In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
-my advice.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
-employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
-the supervision of a licensed engineer.
-%
-In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
-A stately pleasure dome decree,
-Where /bin, the sacred river ran
-Through Test Suites measureless to Man
-Down to a sunless C.
-%
-In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
- -- Napoleon
-%
-In war, truth is the first casualty.
- -- U Thant
-%
-In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
-along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
-%
-In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
-%
-In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
- -- Pliny
-%
-In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
-But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
-%
-In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
-A stately pleasure dome decree:
-Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
-Through caverns measureless to man
-Down to a sunless sea.
-So twice five miles of fertile ground
-With walls and towers were girdled round:
-And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
-Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
-And here were forest ancient as the hills,
-Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
- -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
-%
-In youth, it was a way I had
-To do my best to please,
-And change, with every passing lad,
-To suit his theories.
-
-But now I know the things I know,
-And do the things I do;
-And if you do not like me so,
-To hell, my love, with you!
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
-%
-INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
- The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
- to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
- profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
- incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
- keep it."
-%
-Include me out.
-%
-Increased knowledge will help you now.
-Have mate's phone bugged.
-%
-Incumbent, n.:
- Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
-%
-Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
-`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
-with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
- -- M. D. Epstein
-%
-INDEX:
- Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
- alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
-%
-Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
-basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
-is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
- -- Carolyn Jones
-%
-Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
-%
-Individualists unite!
-%
-Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
-advance; insufferable in victory.
- -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
-%
-Infancy, n.:
- The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
- about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Infidel, n.:
- In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
- in Constantinople, one who does.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
-%
-Information Center, n.:
- A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
-to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
-%
-Information is the inverse of entropy.
-%
-Information Processing:
- What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
- it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
-%
-Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
-
- Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
- Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
- Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
- behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
- obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
-
- On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
- Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
- the service. Our utmost will improve it.
-
- -- Colin Bowles
-%
-Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
-
- Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
- It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
- dressed as a man.
-
- Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
- Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
- or similar.
-
- On a Bucharest elevator:
-
- The lift is being fixed for the next days.
- During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
-
- -- Colin Bowles
-%
-Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
-
- Various signs in Poland:
-
- Right turn toward immediate outside.
-
- Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
-
- Five o'clock tea at all hours.
-
- In a men's washroom in Sidney:
-
- Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
- rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
- on front of shirt.
-
- -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
-%
-Ingrate, n.:
- A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
- and then complains of indigestion.
-%
-Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
- -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
-%
-Ink, n.:
- A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
- water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
- promote intellectual crime.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
-likes oneself.
- -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
-%
-INNOVATE:
- Annoy people.
-%
-Innovation is hard to schedule.
- -- Dan Fylstra
-%
-INNUENDO:
- Italian enema.
-%
-Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
-token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
- -- Wilson Mizner
-%
-Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
-%
-Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
-the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
-%
-INSECURITY:
- Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
- favorite words.
-
- Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
- the person who told it to you.
-%
-Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
-%
-Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
- hunting accident?"
-Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
-%
-Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
-they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
-anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
-years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
- -- Edgar W. Howe
-%
-Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
-it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
-It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
-how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
-hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
- -- Dave Crocker
-%
-Integrity has no need for rules.
-%
-Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
- -- Henry Spencer
-%
-Intellect annuls Fate.
-So far as a man thinks, he is free.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Interchangeable parts won't.
-%
-INTEREST:
- What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
- burned out employees must feign.
-%
-Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
-street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
-invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
-and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
- -- David Letterman
-%
-Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
-best at, that's what I say.
- -- "Doctor Who"
-%
-Interpreter, n.:
- One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
- each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
- interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
-%
-INTOXICATED:
- When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
-%
-Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
-
-INSTRUCTION SET
- Code Mnemonic What
- 0 NOP No Operation
- 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
-
-Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
-%
-Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
-%
-Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
-it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
- -- Bernard Cooke
-%
-I/O, I/O,
-It's off to disk I go,
-A bit or byte to read or write,
-I/O, I/O, I/O...
-%
-IOT trap -- core dumped
-%
-IOT trap -- mos dumped
-%
-Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
- -- Crow T. Robot
-%
-Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
-they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
-little paper envelopes.
-%
-Iron Law of Distribution:
- Them that has, gets.
-%
-IRONY:
- A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
- a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
-%
-Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
- -- Douglas Hofstadter
-%
-Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
-%
-Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
-%
-Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
-%
-Is death legally binding?
-%
-Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
-meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
-a soap bubble?
-%
-Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
-%
-Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
-of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
-and such as are out wish to get in?
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
- -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
-%
-Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
- -- Mae West
-%
-Is that really YOU that is reading this?
-%
-Is there life before breakfast?
-%
-Is this really happening?
-%
-Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
-%
-Isn't air travel wonderful?
-Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
-%
-Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
-person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters
-%
-Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
-listen to weather forecasts and economists?
- -- Kelvin Throop III
-%
-Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
-avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
-would make them better prospects?
-%
-Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
-there?
- -- Herb Caen
-%
-Isn't it strange that the same people that
-laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
-%
-ISO applications:
- A solution in search of a problem!
-%
-Issawi's Laws of Progress:
- The Course of Progress:
- Most things get steadily worse.
- The Path of Progress:
- A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
-%
-It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
-as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
-had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
-"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
-Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
-came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
-this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
-Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
-To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
-your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
-"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
-%
-It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
-most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
- -- J. Sammet
-%
-It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
-Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
-It lies behind starts and under hills,
-And empty holes it fills.
-It comes first and follows after,
-Ends life, kills laughter.
-%
-"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
-any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
-horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
-existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
-that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
-thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
-horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
-horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
-Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
-have wings by not being Walter's horse.
-
-I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
-then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
-for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
-necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
-better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
- -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
-%
-It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
-interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
-for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
-invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
-was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
-hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
-carried me.
- -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
-%
-It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
-%
-It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
-pick up something from the floor while you get up.
-%
-It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
-done and what you're going to do.
-%
-It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
-%
-It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
-next morning it was someone else.
- -- Rogers
-%
-It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
-which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
-insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
-than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
- -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
-%
-It gets late early out there.
- -- Yogi Berra
-%
-It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
-or both feet firmly planted in the air.
-%
-It hangs down from the chandelier
-Nobody knows quite what it does
-Its color is odd and its shape is weird
-It emits a high-sounding buzz
-
-It grows a couple of feet each day
-and wriggles with sort of a twitch
-Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
-a visiting uncle who's rich!
- -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
-%
-It happened long ago
-In the new magic land
-The Indians and the buffalo
-Existed hand in hand
-The Indians needed food
-They need skins for a roof
-The only took what they needed
-And the buffalo ran loose
-But then came the white man
-With his thick and empty head
-He couldn't see past his billfold
-He wanted all the buffalo dead
-It was sad, oh so sad.
- -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
-%
-It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
-came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
-applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
-think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
-wits, who believe that it is a joke.
- -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
-%
-It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
-most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
-it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
- -- H. Warner Munn
-%
-It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
-thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
-drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
-that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_\bo_\bn_\bl_\by* by amusing oneself that
-one can learn."
- -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
-%
-It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
-been searching for evidence which could support this.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
-and getting people under the influence.
- -- Jeremy Tunstall
-%
-It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
-%
-It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
-or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
-achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
-good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
-notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
-infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
-folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
-their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
-appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
-and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
-competence will be quite enough.
- -- The Underground Grammarian
-%
-It has long been an axiom of mine that the
-little things are infinitely the most important.
- -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
-%
-It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
-manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
-baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
-is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
-%
-It has long been known that one horse can run faster
-than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
-indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
-is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
-of infanticide.
- -- Edmond About
-%
-It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
-to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
- -- Marcus Porcius Cato
-%
-It is a lesson which all history teaches
-wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
-%
-It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
- -- Aeschylus
-%
-It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
-my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
-it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
-organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
-manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
-I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
- The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
-could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
-three more than the schedule allowed.
- The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
-could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
-it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
-Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
-their thumbs for ten months.
- To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
-program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
-but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
-it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
-integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
-estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
-%
-It is a wise father that knows his own child.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
-What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
-thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
-Urbana, Illinois.
-%
-It is all right to hold a conversation,
-but you should let go of it now and then.
- -- Richard Armour
-%
-It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
-you are an exceptionally good liar.
- -- Jerome K. Jerome
-%
-It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
-%
-It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
-pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
-sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
-they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
-that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
-much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
-had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
-conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
-intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
-
-Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
-destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
-alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
-misinterpreted ...
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
- -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
-%
-It is bad luck to be superstitious.
- -- Andrew W. Mathis
-%
-[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
- -- K&R
-%
-It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
-coming up it.
- -- Henry Allen
-%
-It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
-One in a million, perhaps.
-%
-It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
-%
-It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
-%
-It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
-%
-It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
-%
-It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
-%
-It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
-%
-It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
-%
-It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
-%
-It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
-%
-It is better to live rich than to die rich.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
-%
-It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
-%
-It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
-and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
-%
-It is better to wear out than to rust out.
-%
-It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
-freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
-admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
- -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
-%
-It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
-is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
- -- Rene Descartes
-%
-It is convenient that there be gods, and,
-as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
- -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
-%
-It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
-remember.
- -- Eugene McCarthy
-%
-It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
-depends upon his not understanding it.
- -- Upton Sinclair
-%
-It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
-%
-It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
-incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
-twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
- -- Rod Serling
-%
-It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
-%
-It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
-lightly greased.
- -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
-proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
-better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
-your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
-attention, the harder the task.
- -- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
-%
-It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
- -- Alfred Adler
-%
-It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
- -- George Santayana
-%
-It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
- -- Leonardo da Vinci
-%
-It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
-%
-It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
-%
-It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
- -- Aeschylus
-%
-It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
-of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
- -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
-%
-It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
-holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
-is there, but speed him when he wishes.
- -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to scheduling.]
-%
-It is exactly because a man cannot do a
-thing that he is a proper judge of it.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
-is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
-last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
-enough.
- -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
-%
-It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
-%
-It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
-without your help.
- -- Miss Manners
-%
-It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
-%
-It is fruitless:
- to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
-
- to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
- innovative maneuvers.
-%
-It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
-if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
- -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
-%
-It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
- -- Robert Storm Petersen
-%
-It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
-love does not lie in the ear.
- -- Walpole
-%
-It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
-Boulevard at one time.
-%
-It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
-%
-It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
-the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
-case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
-crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
-%
-It is impossible to defend perfectly
-against the attack of those who want to die.
-%
-It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
-unless one has plenty of work to do.
- -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
-%
-It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
-a tune.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-It is impossible to make anything
-foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
-%
-It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
-certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-IT IS IN PROCESS:
- So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
-%
-It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
-but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
- -- Plutarch
-%
-It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
-God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
- -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
-%
-It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
-wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
-they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
-like a happy married life.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
-offense consists in doubting it.
- -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
-%
-It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-It is much easier to suggest solutions
-when you know nothing about the problem.
-%
-It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
-%
-It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
-privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
-corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
- -- Kingsley Amis
-%
-It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
-%
-It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
-that makes life blessed.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
- -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
- [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
-
-It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
- -- Gore Vidal
- [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
-%
-It is not enough to have a good mind.
-The main thing is to use it well.
- -- Rene Descartes
-%
-It is not enough to have great qualities,
-we should also have the management of them.
- -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
-%
-It is not every question that deserves an answer.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
-inscrutable workings of Providence.
- -- The Earl of Birkenhead
-%
-It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
-and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
- -- Proverbs 19:2
-%
-It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
-dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
-she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
-does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a
-dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the
-dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
- -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
-%
-It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
-that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
- -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
-%
-It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
-the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
-man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
-blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
-knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
-worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
-he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
-or defeat.
- -- Teddy Roosevelt
-%
-It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
-the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
-wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
-kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
-big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
-and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
-kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
-sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
- -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
-%
-It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
- -- Elizabeth Carpenter
-%
-It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
-%
-It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
-to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
-chemistry.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
- -- Grace Murray Hopper
-%
-It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
- -- Cervantes
-%
-It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
-at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
-is the only thing that makes the result come true.
- -- William James
-%
-It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
-dignity.
-%
-It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
-to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
- -- Havelock Ellis
-%
-It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
-what is essential is invisible to the eye.
- -- The Fox, "The Little Prince"
-%
-It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
-unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
-word "quack".
- -- Garrett Wollman
-%
-It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
-anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
-a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
-way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
-should be used in its proper place.
- -- Christopher Strachey
-%
-It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
- -- Maimie Van Doren
-%
-It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
-have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
-mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
-rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
-kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
- -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
-%
-It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
-his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
-worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
-day like any other day, only shorter.
- -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
-%
-It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
-sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
-in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
-too, shall pass away."
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
-lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
-high as the eagle?
-%
-It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
- -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
-%
-It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
-devil when he is the only explanation of it.
- -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
-%
-It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
-%
-It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
-statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
-to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
-which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
-highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
-worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
- -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
-%
-It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
-crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
-until the other has gone.
-%
-It is the business of little minds to shrink.
- -- Carl Sandburg
-%
-It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
- -- Hawkwind
-%
-It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
-set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
- -- Francis Bacon
-%
-It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
- -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-%
-It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
- -- Francis Bacon
-%
-It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
-%
-It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
-lives, works and has his being.
- -- Thomas Carlyle
-%
-It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
-straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
-Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
-%
-It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
- -- Lloyd Kaufman,
- producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
-%
-It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
-It produces a false impression.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
- -- Roger Babson
-%
-It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
-%
-It isn't easy being green.
- -- Kermit the Frog
-%
-It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
-small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
-computers.
-%
-It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
-unhappy.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
- -- Jack T. Shakespeare
-%
-It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
-to Grandmother's condo.
-%
-It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
-probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
-%
-It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
-Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
- -- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
-a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
-that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
-
-Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
-to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
- -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
-%
-It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
-or lose.
- -- Darrin Weinberg
-%
-It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
-good either if you speak when your head is empty.
-%
-It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
-better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-It may be that your whole purpose in life
-is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-%
-It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
-%
-It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
-doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
-a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
-by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
-in those who would gain by the new ones.
- -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
-%
-It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
-that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
-starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
- -- Arthur Binstead
-%
-It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
-%
-It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
-%
-It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
-one's life and then come round.
- -- Lord Alfred Douglas
-%
-It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
-%
-It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
-they'll come out for it.
- -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
- mogul Harry Cohn
-%
-It runs like _\bx, where _\bx is something unsavory.
- -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
-%
-It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
-slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
-more.
- -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
-%
-It seems a little silly now, but this country
-was founded as a protest against taxation.
-%
-It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
-be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
-unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
-artificial lubrication or foreplay.
- -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
- "Sex, Art and American Culture"
-%
-It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
- -- Chris Torek
-%
-It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
-flag.
-%
-It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
-language named "research student".
-%
-It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
-%
-It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
-to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
-and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
-airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
-average wife is like that.
- -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
-%
-It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
-municipality.
- -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
-%
-It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
- -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
-%
-It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
-%
-It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
-%
-It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
- -- Crazy Charlie
-%
-It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
-%
-It takes less time to do a thing right
-than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
- -- H. W. Longfellow
-%
-It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
-%
-It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
-may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
-military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
-the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
-a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
-officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
-Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
- -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
-%
-It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
-but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
- -- Robert Benchley
-%
-It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
-system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
-some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
-sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
- -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
- Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
-%
-It used to be the fun was in
-The capture and kill.
-In another place and time
-I did it all for thrills.
- -- Lust to Love
-%
-It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
-%
-It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
-%
-It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
-since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
-laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
- -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
-%
-It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
-never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
- -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
-%
-It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
-foot.
-%
-It was all so different before everything changed.
-%
-It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
-when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
- -- Dion, noted computer scientist
-%
-It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
-was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
- -- James Dent
-%
-It was one time too many
-One word too few
-It was all too much for me and you
-There was one way to go
-Nothing more we could do
-One time too many
-One word too few
- -- Meredith Tanner
-%
-It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
-%
-It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
-thought Frito.
- -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
-I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
-don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
-the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
-charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
-novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
-yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
-man a lifetime.
- -- Thomas Aldrich
-%
-It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
-road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
-and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
-from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
-The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
-to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
-man appeared out of an upstairs window.
- "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
- "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
-would let me stay here for the night."
- "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
-okay with me."
-%
-It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
-Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-It was wonderful to find America, but it
-would have been more wonderful to miss it.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
- -- Tim Conway
-%
-It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
-It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
-%
-It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
-the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
-%
-It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
-nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
-examples.
- -- Charles Dickens
-%
-It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
-warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
-two things still safe to eat.
- -- Robert Fuoss
-%
-It would be nice to be sure of anything
-the way some people are of everything.
-%
-It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
-%
-Italic, adj.:
- Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
- Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
- are often slanted to the left.
-%
-It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
-%
-It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
- -- Luke Skywalker
-%
-It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
- -- Danny Vermin
-%
-It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
-and party!
- -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
-%
-It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
- -- Andrew Jackson
-%
-It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
- -- Cheers
-%
-It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
-%
-It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
-breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
-%
-It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
-%
-It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
-when you lose yours.
- -- Harry S. Truman
-%
-It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-It's a very *_\bU_\bN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
- -- Churchy La Femme
-%
-It's all in the mind, ya know.
-%
-It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
- -- Mick Jagger
-%
-It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
-any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
-never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
-out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
-What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
-flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
-half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
-then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
-have thought it up, I wonder?
- -- James Purdy
-%
-It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
-%
-It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
-%
-It's amazing how many people you could be friends
-with if only they'd make the first approach.
-%
-It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
-%
-It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
-%
-It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
- -- Michael Arlen
-%
-It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
-but why do the rats always have to win?
-%
-It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
- -- Tom Stoppard
-%
-It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
- -- Marty Winch
-%
-It's better to burn out than to fade away.
-%
-It's business doing pleasure with you.
-%
-It's clever, but is it art?
-%
-It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
-%
-"It's easier said than done."
-
-... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
-said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
-said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
-done".
-%
-It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
- -- Don Price
-%
-It's easier to get forgiveness for being
-wrong than forgiveness for being right.
-%
-It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
- -- Washlesky
-%
-It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
-it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
-%
-It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
-%
-It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
- -- Macy's
-%
-Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
-in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
-the ignorance of the community.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-It's faster horses,
-Younger women,
-Older whiskey and
-More money.
- -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
-%
-It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
- -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
-%
-It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
-first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
-kill somebody.
- -- Dorothy Sayers
-%
-It's gonna be alright,
-It's almost midnight,
-And I've got two more bottles of wine.
-%
-It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
-even if most of them are bad.
-%
-It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
-If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
-%
-It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
-%
-It's hard to drive at the limit, but
-it's harder to know where the limits are.
- -- Stirling Moss
-%
-It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-It's hard to keep your shirt on when
-you're getting something off your chest.
-%
-It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
- -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
-%
-It's hard to think of you as the end
-result of millions of years of evolution.
-%
-It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
-%
-It's important that people know what you stand for.
-It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
-%
-It's interesting to think that many quite
-distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
-%
-It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
-If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
-our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
- -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
-%
-It's just a jump to the left
- And then a step to the right.
-Put your hands on your hips
- You bring your knees in tight.
-But it's the pelvic thrust
- That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane!
-
- LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
-
- -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
-%
-It's just apartment house rules,
-So all you 'partment house fools
-Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
-One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
- -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
-%
-It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
- -- Walt Disney
-%
-It's later than you think.
-%
-It's later than you think, the joint
-Russian-American space mission has already begun.
-%
-It's like deja vu all over again.
- -- Yogi Berra
-%
-It's Like This
-
-Even the samurai
-have teddy bears,
-and even the teddy bears
-get drunk.
-%
-It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
-you're going in the wrong direction.
-%
-It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
- -- Sam Goldwyn
-%
-It's multiple choice time...
-
- What is FORTRAN?
-
- a: Between thre and fiv tran.
- b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
- c: Ridiculous.
-%
-Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
-It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
-%
-It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
-a sickness you like.
- -- Jackie Mason
-%
-It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
-to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
- -- George Burns
-%
-It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
-%
-It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
- -- Phil White
-%
-It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
- -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
-%
-It's not easy being green.
- -- Kermit
-%
-It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
- -- Alexander Korda
-%
-It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
- -- J. K. Galbraith
-%
-It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
- -- Cal Keegan
-%
-It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
-what you're taking for it...
-%
-It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
-%
-It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
-the ground.
- -- Daniel B. Luten
-%
-It's not that I'm afraid to die.
-I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
-%
-It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
- -- Mae West
-%
-It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
- -- Garfield
-%
-It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
- -- Grantland Rice
-%
-It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
-%
-It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
-%
-It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
-the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
-"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
- -- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
-what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
- -- Roger Noe
-%
-It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
- -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
- elected governor of California.
-
-[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
-for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
-%
-It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
-as a warning to others.
-%
-It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
-poverty and wealth have both failed.
- -- Kin Hubbard
-%
-It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
-%
-It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
-%
-It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
-society will take full responsibility for you.
-%
-It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
-using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
-only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
-difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
-results to humans.
-
- [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
-%
-It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
-have been all over it.
- -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
-%
-It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
- just to see if it's real,
-Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
-But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
-So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
-Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
- -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
-%
-It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
-%
-It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
-%
-It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
- -- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
-the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
- -- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
-boy gets another beer.
- -- Cheers
-%
-It's the thought, if any, that counts!
-%
-It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
-madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
-%
-It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
-venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
- -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
-%
-It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
-know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
-%
-IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
- equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
- spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
- Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
- inevitably unsuccessful.
- V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
- Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
- them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
- adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
- the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
- The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
- auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
-VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
- This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
- character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
- altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
- as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
- character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
- speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
- -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
-%
-I've already told you more than I know.
-%
-I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
-%
-I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
-when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
-%
-I've always made it a solemn practice to never
-drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
- -- R. Nesson
-%
-I've been in more laps than a napkin.
- -- Mae West
-%
-I've Been Moved!
-%
-I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
- -- Totie Fields
-%
-I've been on this lonely road so long,
-Does anybody know where it goes,
-I remember last time the signs pointed home,
-A month ago.
- -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
-%
-I've been there.
-%
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General
-For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
-My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
-My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
-My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
-You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
-There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
-My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
-
-I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
-There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
-Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
-
- -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
- "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
- by Gilbert & Sullivan)
-%
-I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
-%
-I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
-It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
- -- Dennie van Tassel
-%
-I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
-this little hole in the bottom ...
- -- John Croll
-%
-I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
-%
-I've got a very bad feeling about this.
- -- Han Solo
-%
-I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
- -- Henny Youngman
-%
-I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
-on the same day.
-%
-I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
- -- Joel Halpern
-%
-I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
-be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
-
-Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
-%
-I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
- -- George Gobel
-%
-I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
- -- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
- -- Keith Richards
-
-I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
-bad taste.
- -- Keith Richards
-%
-I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
-%
-I've only got 12 cards.
-%
-I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
- -- Senator Claghorn
-%
-I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
-like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
-indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
-devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
-I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
- -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
-%
-I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
-And from that full meridian of my glory
-I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
-Like a bright exhalation in the evening
-And no man see me more.
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
-me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
- -- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
- No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
- legislature is in session.
-%
-jake hates
- all the girls(the
-shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
-ones; the meek the girls(the
-proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
-all except the cold ones; the slim
- ones plump tiny tall)
- all except the
- dull ones
-gus loves all the
- girls(the
-warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
-ones; the mad (the
-moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
-all except ones; the mean
- the dead ones kind dirty clean)
- all
- except the green ones
- -- e. e. cummings
-%
-James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
-indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
- -- Tom Stoppard
-%
-James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
-West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
-"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
-%
-Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
-east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
-Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
-because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
-by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
-grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
-television?" and "Good night".
- -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
- Letters, 1967
-%
-Japan, n.:
- A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
- create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
- is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
- paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
- which they are harvested by the happy natives.
-%
-Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
-%
-Jenkinson's Law:
- It won't work.
-%
-Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
-You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
-%
-Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
-you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
-%
-Jim Nasium's Law:
- In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
- using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
- each other so that everybody is cramped.
-%
-Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
-I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
-days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
-%
-Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
-Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
-to you. You gonna pay it?
-%
-JOB INTERVIEW:
- The excruciating process during which personnel officers
- separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
-%
-Job Placement, n.:
- Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
-%
-Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee.
- -- Snoopy
-%
-Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
-Her voice was little more than a whisper.
- "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
-before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
-I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
-forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
-your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
- "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
-whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
-%
-Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
-%
-Jogger, n.:
- An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
-%
-John Dame May Oscar
-Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
-But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
-Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
- -- Willard Espy
-%
-JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
-
-(George and Ringo miffed.)
-%
-John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
-Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
-Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
-Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
-The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
-Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
-And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
-Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
- -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
-%
-Johnny Carson's Definition:
- The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
- in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
- taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
-%
-Johnson's First Law:
- When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
- most inconvenient possible time.
-%
-Johnson's law:
- Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
-%
-Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
-Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
-%
-Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
-exciting people, and kill them.
-%
-Join the march to save individuality!
-%
-Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
-meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
-%
-Jones' First Law:
- Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
- endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
- obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
- importance of their original contribution.
-%
-Jone's Motto:
- Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-%
-Jones' Second Law:
- The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
- to blame it on.
-%
-Joshu: What is the true Way?
-Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
-J: Can I study it?
-N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
-J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
-N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
- It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
- not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
- yourself as wide as the sky.
-%
-Journalism is literature in a hurry.
- -- Matthew Arnold
-%
-Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
-%
-Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
- Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
- Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
-%
-Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
-reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
-someone else's cash.
- -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
-%
-Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
-Pick one.
-
-1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
-2: It's cheaper than going to France.
-3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
-4: Life is short.
-5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
-6: It matches my eyes.
-7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
-8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
-9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
-10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
-11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
-12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
-%
-Just a song before I go, Going through security
-To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
-Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
-It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
-When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
-We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
-And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
-I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
-She helped me with my suitcase,
-She stands before my eyes,
-Driving me to the airport
-And to the friendly skies.
- -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
-%
-Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
-(and nobody cares about it).
- -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
-%
-Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
-cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
-daydreams about women.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
-seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
-totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
-there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
-the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
-not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
-sense of respect for the whole truth.
- -- Stephen R. Schwambach
-%
-Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
- -- Irene Peter
-%
-Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
-%
-Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
-going to get hit.
- -- Joey
-%
-Just because the message may never be
-received does not mean it is not worth sending.
-%
-Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they
-are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
-what I mean.
- -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
-%
-Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
- -- Bob Dylan
-%
-Just because your doctor has a name for your
-condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
-%
-Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
-%
-Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
-and think to yourself, "There's no place like home."
- -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
-%
-Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
-get a prompt, type like hell.
-%
-Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
-who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
-about his or her love affairs.
- -- Rebecca West
-%
-Just machines to make big decisions,
-Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
-We'll be clean when their work is done,
-We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
-What a beautiful world this will be,
-What a glorious time to be free.
- -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
-%
-Just once, I wish we would encounter
-an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
- -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who"
-%
-Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
-of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
- -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
-%
-Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
- -- Walt Disney
-%
-Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
-twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
-%
-`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
- As he landed his crew with care;
-Supporting each man on the top of the tide
- By a finger entwined in his hair.
-
-`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
- That alone should encourage the crew.
-Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
- What I tell you three times is true.'
- -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
-%
-Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
-a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
- -- Lionel Lauer
-%
-Just to have it is enough.
-%
-Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
-of all the others, and then do what's best.
- -- Lovers and Other Strangers
-%
-Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
-%
-Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
-faster rat!!!
-%
-Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
-Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
-I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
-Just can't remember who to send it to...
-
-Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
-I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
-I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
-But I always thought that I'd see you again.
-Thought I'd see you one more time again.
- -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
-%
-Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
- -- Michael J. Wagner
-%
-Justice is incidental to law and order.
- -- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-Justice, n.:
- A decision in your favor.
-%
-K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
- Cobol's wordy and confining;
- KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
- Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
- -- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-Kafka's Law:
- In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
- -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
-%
-Kamikazes do it once.
-%
-KANSAS:
- Where the men are men and so are the women!
-%
-Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
-wear tail lights.
-%
-Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
-
-For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
-package of snack food.
-
-Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
-
-For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
-of lunch meat.
-%
-Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
-Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
- at the conception.
- -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
-%
-Katz' Law:
- Men and nations will act rationally when
- all other possibilities have been exhausted.
-
-History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
-exhausted all other alternatives.
- -- Abba Eban
-%
-Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
- Population density is inversely proportional
- to the square of the distance from the keg.
-%
-Kaufman's Law:
- A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
- of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
-%
-Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
- -- Mae West
-%
-Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
-%
-Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
-With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
-Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
-The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
-Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
- -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
-%
-Keep cool, but don't freeze.
- -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
-%
-Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
-%
-Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
-%
-Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
- 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
- straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
- force is technically termed "car suck").
- 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
- than "Watch this!"
- 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
- proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
- Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
- a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
- 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
- cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
- Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
- in the head and knock you silly.
-%
-Keep it short for pithy sake.
-%
-Keep on keepin' on.
-%
-Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
-small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
- -- Joe Bonanno
-%
-Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
- -- D. Gries
-%
-Keep the phase, baby.
-%
-Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
-%
-Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
-you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
-at the end of six months.
- -- Moore
-%
-Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
-%
-Keep your Eye on the Ball,
-Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
-Your Nose to the Grindstone,
-Your Feet on the Ground,
-Your Head on your Shoulders.
-Now... try to get something DONE!
-%
-Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Keep your laws off my body!
-%
-Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
-Open it and you remove all doubt.
-%
-Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
-automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
-numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
-driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
-dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
-what's wrong."
-%
-Kennedy's Market Theorem:
- Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
- you've got to go broke.
-%
-Kent's Heuristic:
- Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
-%
-Kern, v.:
- 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
- of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
- metal object used as part of the monetary system.
-%
-KERNEL:
- A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
- traditions of sorcery and black art.
-%
-Kettering's Observation:
- Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
-%
-Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
-%
-Kids have *_\bn_\be_\bv_\be_\br* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
-travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
-original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
-teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
-grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
-teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
- -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
-%
-Kill a commy for your mommy.
-%
-Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
-%
-Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
- -- Hindu saying
-%
-Kill Kill,
-Hate Hate,
-Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
-%
-Kill your parents.
- -- Jerry Rubin
-%
-Killing turkeys causes winter.
-%
-Kilroe hic erat!
-%
-Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
- Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
-%
-Kin, n.:
- An affliction of the blood.
-%
-Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
- -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
-%
-Kington's Law of Perforation:
- If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
- as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
- part of the paper.
-%
-Kinkler's First Law:
- Responsibility always exceeds authority.
-
-Kinkler's Second Law:
- All the easy problems have been solved.
-%
-Kirk to Enterprise...
-%
-Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
-%
-Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
-any of its streets.
-%
-Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
-%
-Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
-%
-Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
-%
-Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
-%
-Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
-%
-Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
-%
-Kissing don't last, cookery do.
- -- George Meredith
-%
-Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
-sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
- -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
-%
-Kitchen activity is highlighted.
-Butter up a friend.
-%
-Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-Klatu barada nikto.
-%
-Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
-%
-Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
-%
-Kleptomaniac, n.:
- A rich thief.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Kliban's First Law of Dining:
- Never eat anything bigger than your head.
-%
-Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
-100% Damage to life support!!!!
-%
-Kludge, n.:
- An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
- distressing whole.
- -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
-%
-Knebel's Law:
- It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
- causes of statistics.
-%
-Knights are hardly worth it.
-I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
-%
-Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
-Sam and Janet.
- Sam and Janet who?
-Sam and Janet Evening...
-%
-Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
-[chorus]
- Yeay!
- Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
- Stay on the Happy side of life!
- Bum bum bum bum bum bum
- You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
- So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
-
-Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
- An another eather bunny... [chorus]
-Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
- Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
-Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
- Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
-Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
- Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
-Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
- Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
-%
-Knocked, you weren't in.
- -- Opportunity
-%
-Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
-
--- No?
-
-GOOD!
-%
-Know Thy User.
-%
-Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
-%
-Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
- -- Henry N. Camp
-%
-KNOWLEDGE:
- Things you believe.
-%
-Knowledge is power.
- -- Francis Bacon
-%
-Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
- -- Aleister Crowley
-%
-Knowledge without common sense is folly.
-%
-Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
-Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
-Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
-Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
-Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
-%
-Kramer's Law:
- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
-%
-Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
- The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-LA:
- Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
- is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
- From mud slides to brush fires.
-%
-Labor, n.:
- One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
-%
-Lack of money is the root of all evil.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Lackland's Laws:
- 1. Never be first.
- 2. Never be last.
- 3. Never volunteer for anything.
-%
-Lactomangulation, n.:
- Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
- that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
-%
-Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
-Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
-I come before you to stand behind you
-To tell you of something I know nothing about.
-Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
-There will be a convention held in the
-Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
-Admission is free, pay at the door,
-Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
-It was a summer's day in winter,
-And the snow was raining fast,
-As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
-Stood sitting in the grass.
-Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
-Two dead men got up to fight.
-Three blind men to see fair play,
-Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
-Back to back, they faced each other,
-Drew their swords and shot each other.
-A deaf policeman heard the noise,
-Came and arrested those two dead boys.
-%
-Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
-boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
-the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
-under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
-to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
-her.
- -- Billie Jean King
-%
-Lady, lady, should you meet
-One whose ways are all discreet,
-One who murmurs that his wife
-Is the lodestar of his life,
-One who keeps assuring you
-That he never was untrue,
-Never loved another one...
-Lady, lady, better run!
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
-%
-Lady Luck brings added income today.
-Lady friend takes it away tonight.
-%
-Lady Nancy Astor:
- "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
-Winston Churchill:
- "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
-
-Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
-disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
-sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
-
- During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
-luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
-helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
- "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
-white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
- The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
-her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
-you would pin this on your white meat."
-%
-Ladybug, ladybug,
-Look to your stern!
-Your house is on fire,
-Your children will burn!
-So jump ye and sing, for
-The very first time
-The four lines above
-Have been put into rhyme.
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
-Laetrile is the pits.
-%
-Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
-each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
-%
-Lake Erie died for your sins.
-%
-((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
-%
-Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
-duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
-table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
-manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
-of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
-candy, and said:
- "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
-%
-Langsam's Laws:
- (1) Everything depends.
- (2) Nothing is always.
- (3) Everything is sometimes.
-%
-Language is a virus from another planet.
- -- William Burroughs
-%
-Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
-Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
-Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
- 20,000 women.
- -- Lank and Earl
-%
-Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
-[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
-honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
-he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
- -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
-%
-Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
-performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
- -- Lord Kelvin
-%
-Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
- By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
-times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
-twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
-driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
-Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
-1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
-reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-Larkinson's Law:
- All laws are basically false.
-%
-LASER:
- Failed death ray.
-%
-Last guys don't finish nice.
- -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
-%
-Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
-the pillow was gone.
- -- Tommy Cooper
-%
-Last night I met upon the stair
-A little man who wasn't there.
-He wasn't there again today.
-Gee how I wish he'd go away!
-%
-Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
-The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
-I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
-%
-Last week's pet, this week's special.
-%
-Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
-every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
-I don't remember what it was.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
-%
-Latin is a language,
-As dead as can be.
-First it killed the Romans,
-And now it's killing me.
-%
-Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
-%
-Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
-%
-Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
-%
-Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
-%
-Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
-%
-Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
-%
-Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
- -- Victor Borge
-%
-Laura's Law:
- No child throws up in the bathroom.
-%
-Lavish spending can be disastrous.
-Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
-%
-Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
-force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-Law of Communications:
- The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
- between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
- area of misunderstanding.
-%
-Law of Continuity:
- Experiments should be reproducible.
- They should all fail the same way.
-%
-Law of Probable Dispersal:
- Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
-%
-Law of Selective Gravity:
- An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
-
-Jenning's Corollary:
- The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
- directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
-%
-Law of the Jungle:
- He who hesitates is lunch.
-%
-Law of the Yukon:
- Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
-%
-Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
- -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
-%
-Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
-%
-Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
-%
-Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
- -- Otto von Bismarck
-%
-Laws of Computer Programming:
- 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
- 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
- 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
- 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
- 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
- 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
- 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
- the programmer who must maintain it.
-%
-Laws of Serendipity:
-
- (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
- something.
- (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
- be engaged in making an inferior one.
-%
-Lawsuit, n.:
- A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Lawyer's Rule:
- When the law is against you, argue the facts.
- When the facts are against you, argue the law.
- When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
-%
-Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
- -- S. J. Perelman
-%
-Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-Layers are for cakes, not for software.
- -- Bart Smaalders
-%
-Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
-The reason, you will see, no doubt,
-Is to keep the lightning out.
-But what these unobservant birds
-Have failed to notice is that herds
-Of bears may come with buns
-And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
-%
-Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
- No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
-%
-LAZY:
- Marrying a pregnant woman.
-%
-Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
-is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
-smaller -- and there are many more of them.
- -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
-%
-Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
-%
-Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
-%
-Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
-%
-Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
-%
-LEARNING CURVE:
- An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
- in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
- quicker you can do it.
-%
-Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
-everything else follows in the same way.
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-Learning without thought is labor lost;
-thought without learning is perilous.
- -- Confucius
-%
-Leave no stone unturned.
- -- Euripides
-%
-Lee's Law:
- Mother said there would be days like this,
- but she never said that there'd be so many!
-%
-Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
-%
-Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
-fun?
-%
-Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
- "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
-unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
-drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
-can."
-%
-Leibowitz's Rule:
- When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
- finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
-%
-Lemma: All horses are the same color.
-Proof (by induction):
- Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
- horses in that set are the same color.
- Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
- horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
- of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
- took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
- horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
- are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
- horses are the same color.
-Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
-Proof (by intimidation):
- Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
- is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
- back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
- horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
- infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
- However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
- infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
- color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
-%
-Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
-%
-Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
-%
-Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
-%
-LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
- Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
- Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
- your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
-%
-LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
- You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
- Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
- criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
-%
-LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
- Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
- ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
- a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
- laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
-%
-Lesbian QOTD:
-I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
-%
-Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
-%
-Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
-%
-Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
-number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
-another number.
- -- James Estes
-%
-Let me not to the marriage of true minds
-Admit impediments. Love is not love
-Which alters when it alteration finds,
-Or bends with the remover to remove.
-O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
-That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
-It is the star to every wandering bark,
-Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
-Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
-Within his bending sickle's compass come;
-Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
-But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
- If this be error and upon me proved,
- I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
- -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
-%
-Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
-%
-Let me take you a button-hole lower.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
-George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
-wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
-of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
-praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
-Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
-in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
-for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
-around his neck.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-Let my own body be exhausted,
-But not the wealth of my state.
-Let my mortal body vanish,
-But not the power of my state.
- -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
-%
-Let no guilty man escape.
- -- U. S. Grant
-%
-Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
-%
-Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
- -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
-%
-Let sleeping dogs lie.
- -- Charles Dickens
-%
-Let the machine do the dirty work.
- -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
-%
-Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
- -- James Thurber
-%
-Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
- -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
-%
-Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
-they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
- -- Al Capone
-%
-Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Let us go then you and I
-while the night is laid out against the sky
-like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
-
-Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?
- -- Ezra
-%
-Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
-The muttering retreats
-Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
-And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
-Streets that follow like a tedious argument
-Of insidious intent
-To lead you to an overwhelming question...
-Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
- -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
-%
-Let us live!!!
-Let us love!!!
-Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
-
-You first.
-%
-Let us never negotiate out of fear,
-but let us never fear to negotiate.
- -- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Let us not look back in anger or forward
-in fear, but around us in awareness.
- -- James Thurber
-%
-Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
-%
-Let us treat men and women well;
-Treat them as if they were real;
-Perhaps they are.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Let your conscience be your guide.
- -- Pope
-%
-L'etat c'est moi.
-[The state, that's me.]
- -- Louis XIV
-%
-Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
-%
-Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
-relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
-really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
-For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
-I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
-Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
- -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
-%
-Let's love each other slowly,
-reaching for a plane,
-of exquisite pleasure,
-and delicate pain.
- -- Adam Beslove
-%
-Let's not complicate our relationship
-by trying to communicate with each other.
-%
-Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
-%
-Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
- -- Austen Briggs
-%
-Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
-hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
-Anguish. You would sue:
-
-* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
- section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
- into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
- in there".
-
-* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
- cretin like yourself.
-
-* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
- case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
- a large cash settlement anyway.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
-overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
-dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
-tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
-spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
-money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
-probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
-It's not his money.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
-%
-LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
-
-Dear Sir,
-
-I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
-to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
-public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
-in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
-will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
-agricultural industry.
-
-Yours faithfully,
- Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
- Sevenoaks
-%
-LEVERAGE:
- Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
- about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
-%
-Leveraging always beats prototyping.
-%
-Lewis's Law of Travel:
- The first piece of luggage out of the
- chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
-%
-L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
- -- L. Pasteur
-%
-Liar, n.:
- A lawyer with a roving commission.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
- -- Oliver Herford
-%
-LIBERAL:
- Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
-%
-Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
-trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
- -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
-%
-Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
- -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
-%
-LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
- Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
- for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
- is watching you, so stop staring like that.
-%
-LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
- Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
- to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
- unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
- of bed today.
-%
-Lie, n.:
- A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
- discovered to date.
-%
-Lieberman's Law:
- Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
-%
-Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
- -- Ma Barker
-%
-LIFE:
- A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
-%
-LIFE:
- Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
-%
-LIFE:
- That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
-%
-Life -- Love It or Leave It.
-%
-Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
- -- Miss November, 1966
-%
-Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
- -- Paul Gauguin
-%
-Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
-%
-Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
-It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
-%
-Life exists for no known purpose.
-%
-Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
-being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
-thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
-system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
- -- Valerie Solanas
-%
-Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
-environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
-round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
-%
-Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
-out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
- -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
-%
-Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
-important than something else. If what already is, is more important
-than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
-isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
- -- Werner Erhard
-%
-Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
-%
-Life is a glorious cycle of song,
-A medley of extemporania;
-And love is thing that can never go wrong;
-And I am Marie of Roumania.
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
-%
-Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
- -- Helen Keller
-%
-Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
-%
-Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
-change his bed.
- -- Charles Baudelaire
-%
-Life is a series of rude awakenings.
- -- R. V. Winkle
-%
-Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
-humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
- -- Clarence Darrow
-%
-Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
-%
-Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
-%
-Life is an exciting business, and most
-exciting when it is lived for others.
-%
-Life is both difficult and time consuming.
-%
-Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
-%
-Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
-%
-Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
-%
-Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
-%
-Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
-%
-Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
-%
-Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
- -- C. Schultz
-%
-Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
-eat it nevertheless.
- -- Flaubert
-%
-Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
-%
-Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
-%
-Life is like a sewer.
-What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Life is like a simile.
-%
-Life is like a tin of sardines.
-We're, all of us, looking for the key.
- -- Beyond the Fringe
-%
-Life is like an analogy.
-%
-Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
-you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
-%
-Life is like an onion: you peel it off
-one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
- -- Carl Sandburg
-%
-Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
-layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
- -- James Huneker
-%
-Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
-going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
-being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
-%
-Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
-the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
-%
-Life is not for everyone.
-%
-Life is one long struggle in the dark.
- -- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-Life is the childhood of our immortality.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-Life is the living you do,
-Death is the living you don't do.
- -- Joseph Pintauro
-%
-Life is the urge to ecstasy.
-%
-Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
-%
-Life is too important to take seriously.
- -- Corky Siegel
-%
-Life is too short to be taken seriously.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
- -- Storm Jameson
-%
-Life is wasted on the living.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
-%
-Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
-%
-Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
- -- Don Reed
-%
-Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
- -- Marvin, from
- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
-it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
-%
-Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
-Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
- -- Dag Hammarskjold
-%
-Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
-of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
-rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
-and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
-%
-Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
-certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
-I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
-afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
-absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
-embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
-%
-Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
- -- Thomas J. Kopp
-%
-Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
- -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
-%
-Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
- -- Sanka Ad
-%
-Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
-weren't for other people.
- -- Blore
-%
-Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
- -- Dave Olson
-%
-Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
-%
-Lift every voice and sing
-Till earth and heaven ring,
-Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
-Let our rejoicing rise
-High as the listening skies,
-Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
-
-Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
-Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
-Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
-Let us march on till victory is won.
- -- James Weldon Johnson
-%
-Lighten up, while you still can,
-Don't even try to understand,
-Just find a place to make your stand,
-And take it easy.
- -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
-%
-LIGHTHOUSE:
- A tall building on the seashore in which the government
- maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
-%
-LIKE:
- When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
-%
-Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
-the difference between one young woman and another.
- -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
-%
-Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
-shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
-as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
-bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
-she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
-man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
-right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
- -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
-
-The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
-see her little dog Pritzi again.
- -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
-
-It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
-tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
-was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
- -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
-
-Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
-named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
-night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
-worst possible novel.
-%
-Like corn in a field I cut you down,
-I threw the last punch way too hard,
-After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
-To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
-And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
-I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
-And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
-And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
-I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
- And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
- I'm as low as a paid assassin is
- You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
- I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
- You know I can't think straight no more
- You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
- a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
- -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
-%
-Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
-weren't so damned great!
- -- Armistead Maupin
-%
-Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
-if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
-now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
-like the Rolling Stones?
- -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
- attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
-%
-Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
-It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
-over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
-His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
-other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
-religions.
- -- Benjamin Spock
-%
-Like punning, programming is a play on words.
-%
-Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
-a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
-%
-Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
-for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
- -- Alan McKay
-%
-Like the time I ran away...
-And turned around and you were standing close to me.
- -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
-%
-Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
-%
-Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
-creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
-essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
-the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
-rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
- -- Senior Year Quote
-%
-Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
-place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
-
- Q -- Is there life after death?
- A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
-Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
-then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
-fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
-spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
-headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
-to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
-guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
-as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
-wins few friends, Germans excepted.
- -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
-%
-Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
-Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
-
-Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
-Kennedy in November 1960.
-
-Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
-the theatre.
-Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
-to Dallas.
-
-Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
-Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
-
-Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
-Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
-
-The first Johnson was born in 1808.
-The second Johnson was born in 1908.
-
- -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001
-%
-Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
-%
-"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
-Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
-
-Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
-in it he found that the damned things diverged.
- -- Piet Hein
-%
-Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
- I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
-Snoopy: That's nice to know.
- The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
-%
-Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
- Maybe we should think only about today.
-Charlie Brown:
- No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
- will get better.
-%
-Linus' Law:
- There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
-%
-Lions in the street and roaming,
-Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
-A beast caged in the heart of the city.
-The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
-He fled the town.
-Went down south across the border,
-Left the chaos and disorder
-Back there, over his shoulder.
-One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
-A strange creature groaning beside him.
-Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
-Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
- -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
-%
-LISP:
- To call a spade a thpade.
-%
-Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
-Lisp Machine is Fun.
-Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
-Fun for everyone.
-%
-Lisp Users:
-Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
-%
-Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
-the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
-but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
-right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
-But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
-bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
-This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
-their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
-that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
-just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
-a panacea so alleged.
- -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
- government been lacking in courage and boldness in
- facing up to the recession?"
-%
-Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
-is the other way round.
- -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
-%
-Littering is dumb.
- -- Ronald Macdonald
-%
-Little Fly,
-Thy summer's play If thought is life
-My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
-Has brush'd away. And the want
- Of thought is death,
-Am not I
-A fly like thee? Then am I
-Or art not thou A happy fly
-A man like me? If I live
- Or if I die.
-
-For I dance
-And drink & sing,
-Till some blind hand
-Shall brush my wing.
- -- William Blake, "The Fly"
-%
-Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
-sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
-%
-Little Known Facts, #23:
- Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
- the BMW repair garage?
-%
-Little Mary on the ice,
-Went out to have a frisk,
-Now wasn't little Mary nice,
-Her pretty *?
-%
-Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
- -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
-%
-Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
- -- James Dean
-%
-Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
-%
-Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
-%
-Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
-published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
- -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
- -- Josh Billings
-%
-Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
-you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
- -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
-%
-Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
-What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
-%
-Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
-What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
-%
-Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
- -- Candice Bergen
-%
-Living in New York City gives people real incentives
-to want things that nobody else wants.
- -- Andy Warhol
-%
-Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
-like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
-%
-Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
-includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
-%
-LIVING YOUR LIFE:
- A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
-%
-Lizzie Borden took an axe,
-And plunged it deep into the VAX;
-Don't you envy people who
-Do all the things _\bY_\bO_\bU want to do?
-%
-Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
-interest rates, we don't need it."
-%
-Lobster:
- Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
- about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
- method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
- guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
- cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
- the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
- lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
- eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
- flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
- refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
- squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
- Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
- you and your friends will be, too.
- -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
- and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
-%
-Lockwood's Long Shot:
- The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
- aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
-%
-Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
- -- Marvin Minsky
-%
-Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_\ba_\bw_\bf_\bu_\bl*.
-%
-Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
-%
-Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
-%
-Logicians have but ill defined
-As rational the human kind.
-Logic, they say, belongs to man,
-But let them prove it if they can.
- -- Oliver Goldsmith
-%
-LOGO for the Dead
-
-LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
-"The Other Side."
-
-The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
-turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
-graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
-side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
-your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
-interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
-lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
-Bulletin Board System).
-
-LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
-from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
- -- '80 Microcomputing
-%
-Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
-%
-Lonely is a man without love.
- -- Engelbert Humperdinck
-%
-Lonely men seek companionship.
-Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
-%
-Lonesome?
-
-Like a change?
-Like a new job?
-Like excitement?
-Like to meet new and interesting people?
-
-JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
-%
-Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
-be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
-The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
-%
-Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
-%
-Long life is in store for you.
-%
-Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
-long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
-pain and his aloneness without regret?
- -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
-%
-Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
-%
-Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
-%
-Look at it this way:
-Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
-home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
-And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
-%
-Look at it this way:
-Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
-forget $26,000 of college education.
-And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
-%
-Look before you leap.
- -- Samuel Butler
-%
-Look ere ye leap.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-Look out! Behind you!\a\a\a
-%
-Look up and not down, look forward and not back, look out and not in,
-and lend a hand.
- -- Edward Everett Hale, "Lowell Institute Lectures" (1869)
-%
-Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
-to pay income taxes, too?
- -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
-%
-Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
-con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
-country was built.
- -- Hubert Allen
-%
-Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
- -- Stephen Sondheim
-%
-Loose bits sink chips.
-%
-Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
- -- Charles D'Hericault
-%
-Lord, what fools these mortals be!
- -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
-%
-Losing your drivers' license is just
-God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
-%
-Lost: gray and white female cat.
-Answers to electric can opener.
-%
-Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
-%
-Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
-%
-Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
- -- Frank Hubbard
-%
-Lots of girls can be had for a song.
-Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
-%
-Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
-Halstead, Kansas.
-%
-Louie Louie, me gotta go
-Louie Louie, me gotta go
-
-Fine little girl she waits for me
-Me catch the ship for cross the sea
-Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
-Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
-(chorus) On the ship I dream she there
- I smell the rose in her hair
-Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
-It won't be long, me see my love
-I take her in my arms and then
-Me tell her I never leave again
- -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
-%
-LOVE:
- I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
-%
-LOVE:
- Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
-%
-LOVE:
- When, if asked to choose between your lover
- and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
-%
-LOVE:
- When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
-%
-LOVE:
- When you don't want someone too close--
- because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
-%
-LOVE:
- When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
-%
-Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
-%
-Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
-%
-Love America - or give it back.
-%
-Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
-%
-Love at first sight is one of the greatest
-labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
-%
-Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
- -- Sigmund Freud
-%
-Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
- -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
-Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
- -- Oscar Hammerstein II
-%
-Love is a grave mental disease.
- -- Plato
-%
-Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
- -- Matt Groening
-%
-Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
-over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
- -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
-%
-Love is a word that is constantly heard,
-Hate is a word that is not.
-Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
-Love, I have read, is hot.
-But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
-And Love but a drug on the mart.
-Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
-But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
-go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
-arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
-%
-Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
-with the ideal never goes unpunished.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
- -- Dr. Karl Bowman
-%
-Love is being stupid together.
- -- Paul Valery
-%
-Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
-around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
-Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
-%
-Love is in the offing.
- -- The Homicidal Maniac
-%
-Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
-%
-Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
-pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
-grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
-and unquenchable.
- -- Bruce Lee
-%
-Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
- -- Jerome K. Jerome
-%
-Love is never asking why?
-%
-Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
-%
-Love is sentimental measles.
-%
-Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
-%
-Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
-raises some pretty good questions.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
-pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
- -- Charles Baudelaire
-%
-Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
- -- M. Hirschfield
-%
-Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
- -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
-%
-Love is what you've been through with somebody.
- -- James Thurber
-%
-Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
-%
-Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
- -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
-%
-Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
-momentum.
-%
-Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
- -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
-%
-Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
-%
-Love means never having to say you're sorry.
- -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
-
-That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
- -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
-%
-Love means nothing to a tennis player.
-%
-Love tells us many things that are not so.
- -- Krainian proverb
-%
-Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
-%
-Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
- -- Louise Beal
-%
-Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
-%
-Love to eat them mousies,
-Mousies I love to eat.
-Bite they little heads off,
-Nibble at they tiny feet.
- -- Kliban
-%
-Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
- seized this one for the fair form
- that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
-Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
- seized me so strongly with delight in him,
- that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
-Love brought us to one death.
- -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
-%
-Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
-trying to figure out what you're up to.
-%
-Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Lowery's Law:
- If it jams -- force it. If it
- breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
-%
-LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
-%
-Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
- There's always one more bug.
-%
-Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
-British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
-Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
-nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
-don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
-beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
-%
-Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
- -- Russell Banks
-%
-Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
- -- P. E. Trudeau
-%
-Lucky, adj.:
- When you have a wife and a cigarette
- lighter -- both of which work.
-%
-Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
-%
-Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
- Can't you be serious for once?
-Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
- of the more important things in life!
- (pause)
- Tomorrow!!
-%
-Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
- -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
-%
-Lunatic Asylum, n.:
- The place where optimism most flourishes.
-%
-Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
- -- Bergan Evans
-%
-Lysistrata had a good idea.
-%
-Ma Bell is a mean mother!
-%
-MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
-%
-Machine-Independent, adj.:
- Does not run on any existing machine.
-%
-Machine-independent program:
- A program that will not run on any machine.
-%
-Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
-and play games -- but not with pleasure.
- -- Leo Rosten
-%
-Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
- -- Andy Warhol
-%
-Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
-repairman arrives.
-%
-Macho does not prove mucho.
- -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
-%
-Mad, adj.:
- Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
-if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-Madison's Inquiry:
- If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
-%
-Madness takes its toll.
-%
-MAFIA, n.:
- [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
-Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
-subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
-rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
-reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
-operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
-MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
-variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
-security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
-more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
-imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
-options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
-Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
-powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
-entire nodal aggravations.
- -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-Magary's Principle:
- When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
- government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
- the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
-%
-Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
-%
-Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
-
-Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
-
-The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
-of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
-with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
-knowledge.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Magnocartic, adj.:
- Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
- carts.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Magpie, n.:
- A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
- to someone that it might be taught to talk.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-MAIDEN AUNT:
- A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
-%
-Maiden, n.:
- A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
- views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
- distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
- The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
- piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
- comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
- the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
- canary -- which, also, is more portable.
-
-Male, n.:
- A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
- human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
- has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Maier's Law:
- If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
- -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
-
-Corollaries:
- 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
- 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
- 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
- obtain a correspondence with the theory.
-%
-Main's Law:
- For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
-%
-Maintainer's Motto:
- If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
-%
-Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
-Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
-Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
-%
-Major premise:
- Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
-Minor premise:
- A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
-Conclusion:
- Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
-
-Secondary Conclusion:
- Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
- would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
-%
-Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
- as one man.
-
-Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
-
-Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
- -- Robert Moses
-%
-Majority, n.:
- That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
-%
-Make a wish, it might come true.
-%
-Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
-%
-Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
-%
-Make it right before you make it faster.
-%
-Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
- -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
-%
-Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
-%
-Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
-%
-Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
-tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
-been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
-message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
- -- System V.2 administrator's guide
-%
-Malek's Law:
- Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
-%
-MALPRACTICE:
- The reason surgeons wear masks.
-%
-Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
- joke?"
-
-Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
-
-Man 1: _\bT_\bI_\bM_\bI_\bN_\bG!
-%
-Man and wife make one fool.
-%
-Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
- -- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
-he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
-all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
-time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
-far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
-%
-Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Man is a military animal,
-Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
- -- P. J. Bailey
-%
-Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
-to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
-no dog exchanges bones with another.
- -- Adam Smith
-%
-Man is by nature a political animal.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
-and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
- -- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Man is the measure of all things.
- -- Protagoras
-%
-Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
-with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
- -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
-%
-Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
-for he is the only animal that is struck with the
-difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
- -- William Hazlitt
-%
-Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
- -- Arthur R. Miller
-%
-Man, n.:
- An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
- he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
- occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
- species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity
- as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Man proposes, God disposes.
- -- Thomas a Kempis
-%
-Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
-is an enemy.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-Man who arrives at party two hours late
-will find he has been beaten to the punch.
-%
-Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
-%
-Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
-%
-Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
-%
-Man will never fly.
-Space travel is merely a dream.
-All aspirin is alike.
-%
-Management: How many feet do mice have?
-Reply: Mice have four feet.
-M: Elaborate!
-R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
-M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
-R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
-M: What? Feet with no legs?
-R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
-M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
-R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
-M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
-R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
- is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
- is not equipped with a foot.
-M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
-R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
- one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
- constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
-M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
-R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
- integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
- attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
- ornamental in nature.
-M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
-R: Mice have four feet.
-%
-MANAGEMENT:
- The art of getting other people to do all the work.
-%
-MANAGER:
- A man known for giving great meeting.
-%
-Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
-Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
- don't think, right?"
- -- "Doctor Who"
-%
-Man-hour, n.:
- A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
-%
-Manic-depressive, n.:
- Easy glum, easy glow.
-%
-Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
- -- Plotinus
-%
-Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
-dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
-man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
-air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
-primitive umpire.
-
-What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
-mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-Manly's Maxim:
- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
- with confidence.
-%
-Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
-%
-Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
-%
-Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
-conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
- -- Sydney J. Harris
-%
-Manual, n.:
- A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
- item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
- you need is in the others.
- -- Ray Simard
-%
-Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
- -- George M. Cohan
-%
-Many a family tree needs trimming.
-%
-Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
-is not so. It is so. It is not so.
- -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
-%
-Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
-get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
- -- Finley Peter Dunne
-%
-Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
-can easily support two or more.
-%
-Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
-except when he can't understand his own meaning.
- -- George D. Prentice
-%
-Many are called, few are chosen.
-Fewer still get to do the choosing.
-%
-Many are called, few volunteer.
-%
-Many are cold, but few are frozen.
-%
-Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
-%
-Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
-certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
-devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
-their data processing systems.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
-weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
-weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
-but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
-he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
- -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
-%
-Many hands make light work.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
-%
-Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
-the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
-fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
-Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
-read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
-by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
-are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
-successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
-should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
-while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
- -- Francis Galton, 1909
-%
-Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
-tricks on me and treating me badly.
- -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
-%
-Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
-life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
- -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
-%
-Many pages make a thick book.
-%
-Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
-thin paper.
-%
-Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
-which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
-%
-Many people are secretly interested in life.
-%
-Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
-%
-Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
-%
-Many people feel that if you won't let
-them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
-%
-Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
-recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
-%
-Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
-%
-Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
-%
-Many receive advice, few profit by it.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
-there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
-was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
-completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
-Margaret, are you grieving
-Over Goldengrove unleaving?
-Leaves, like the things of man,
-You, with your fresh thoughts
-Care for, can you?
-Ah! as the heart grows older
-It will come to such sights colder
-By and by, nor spare a sigh
-Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
-And yet you will weep and know why.
-Now no matter, child, the name
-Sorrow's springs are the same:
-It is the blight man was born for,
-It is Margaret you mourn for.
- -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
-%
-Marigold: Jealousy
-Mint: Virute
-Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
-Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
-Pansy: Thoughts
-Peach blossom: I am your captive
-Petunia: Your presence soothes me
-Poppy: Sleep
-Rose, any color: Love
-Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
-Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
-Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
-Rose, white: I am worthy of you
-Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
-Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
-Rosemary: Remembrance
-Sunflower: Haughtiness
-Tulip, red: Declaration of love
-Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
-Violet, blue: Faithfulness
-Violet, white: Modesty
-Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
- * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
-%
-Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
-%
-Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
-who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
-it in order to protect themselves.
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
- Dentists are incapable of asking questions
- that require a simple yes or no answer.
-%
-MARRIAGE:
- An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
- in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
- that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
-%
-MARRIAGE:
- Convertible bonds.
-%
-Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
-insincerity possible between two human beings.
- -- Vicki Baum
-%
-Marriage causes dating problems.
-%
-Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
- -- Edmond About
-%
-Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
-%
-Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
-not ready for an institution yet.
- -- Mae West
-%
-Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
-surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
- -- James Garner
-%
-Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
-%
-Marriage is a three ring circus:
-engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
- -- Roger Price
-%
-Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
-to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
-%
-Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
-exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
-in the brewery.
- -- George Jean Nathan
-%
-Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
-%
-Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
-chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
-%
-Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
- -- Baskins
-%
-Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
-burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
- -- Calvin Trillin
-%
-Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-Marriage is the process of finding out what
-kind of man your wife would have preferred.
-%
-Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
-%
-Marriage, n.:
- The evil aye.
-%
-Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
- -- John Lyly
-%
-Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
-%
-MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
-connected by a thin strand.
-
-Come on, Marta, grow up.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
-of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
-territory from invasion by another group."
-
-"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
-Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
- -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
-%
-'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
-What a finely tuned response to the situation!
-%
-Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
-and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
-Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
-grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
- "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
-named a drink Fred?"
-%
-Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
- Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
-%
-Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
-And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
-It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
-It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
-She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
-And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
-It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
-The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
-The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
-Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
-Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
-So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
- -- Alma Garcia
-%
-Maryann's Law:
- You can always find what you're not looking for.
-%
-Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
-the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
-dancing.
- -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
-%
-Maslow's Maxim:
- If the only tool you have is a hammer,
- you treat everything like a nail.
-%
-Mason's First Law of Synergism:
-The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
-%
-Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
-%
-Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
-price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
- -- Thomas Scoville
-%
-Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
- -- Christopher Hampton
-%
-Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
- -- Monty Python
-%
-Mater artium necessitas.
- [Necessity is the mother of invention].
-%
-Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
- -- Malcolm Smith
-%
-MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
- Please, don't drink and derive.
-
- Mathematicians
- Against
- Drunk
- Deriving
-%
-Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
- -- R. Drabek
-%
-Mathematician, n.:
- Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
-%
-Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
-into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
-described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
-play.
- -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
- James Blish
-%
-Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
- -- Henry Adams
-%
-Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
-to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
-one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
- -- Russell
-%
-Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
-a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
-part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
-yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
-greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
-of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
-to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-Matrimony is the root of all evil.
-%
-Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
-%
-Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
-nor can it be returned without a receipt.
-%
-Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
-%
-[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
-where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
-more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
- -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
-%
-Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
- -- Jules Feiffer
-%
-Matz's Law:
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-%
-May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
-versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
-%
-May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
-%
-May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your
-Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted.
- -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com
-%
-May all your PUSHes be POPped.
-%
-May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
-%
-May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
-%
-May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
-%
-May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
-%
-May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
-God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
-he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
-%
-May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
-%
-May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
-%
-May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
-%
-May you have warm words on a cold evening,
-a full moon on a dark night,
-and a smooth road all the way to your door.
-%
-May you live in uninteresting times.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-May your camel be as swift as the wind.
-%
-May your SO always know when you need a hug.
-%
-May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
-Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
-%
-Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
-lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
- -- R. S. Barton
-%
-Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
-earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.
-%
-Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
-other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
-had to seek professional help.
-%
-Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
-these days you can certainly charge it.
-%
-May's Law:
- The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
- of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
-%
-McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
-%
-McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
- When traveling with a herd of elephants,
- don't be the first to lie down and rest.
-%
-Meader's Law:
- Whatever happens to you, it will previously
- have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
-%
-Meade's Maxim:
-Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
-just like everyone else.
-%
-Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
-Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
-[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
-AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
-[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
-Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
-Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
-Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
-Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
-Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
-Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
-Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
-"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
-Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
-Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
-Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
-Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
-Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
-%
-Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
-has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
-moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
-magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
-have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
-get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
-of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful
-oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
-hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
-venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
-bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
-aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
-arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
-of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
-to mouth...
-%
-Measure twice, cut once.
-%
-Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
- -- Frederick Crane
-%
-Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
-%
-Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
-%
-Meeting, n.:
- An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
- department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
-%
-MEETINGS:
- A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
-%
-Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
-corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
-in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-MEMO:
- An interoffice communication too often written more for
- the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
- who receives it.
-%
-MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
-remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
-drive and drive.
-
-I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
-smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
-played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
-some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
-
-I guess some things never leave you.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-Memory fault -- brain fried
-%
-Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
-%
-Memory fault - where am I?
-%
-Memory should be the starting point of the present.
-%
-Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
- -- Marilyn Monroe
-%
-Men are superior to women.
- -- The Koran
-%
-Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
- -- Jayne Mansfield
-%
-Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
-They're attracted by what I don't mind...
- -- Gypsy Rose Lee
-%
-Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
- -- Julius Caesar
-%
-Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
-thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
-rights as women have of their wrongs.
- -- Edgar W. Howe
-%
-Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
-%
-Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
-%
-Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
-from religious conviction.
- -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'\bees", 1670
-%
-Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
-pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
- -- Leonardo da Vinci
-%
-Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
-%
-Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
-at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
-%
-Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
-pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
-and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
-inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
-sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
-and acts that are contrary to habit...
- -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease"
-%
-Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
- -- DeSegur
-%
-Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
-%
-Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
-%
-Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
- -- Napoleon Bonaparte
-%
-Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
-and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
-from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
-Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
-before. Thus was the Empire forged.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Men who cherish for women the highest
-respect are seldom popular with them.
- -- Joseph Addison
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
- The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
- The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
- cork makes when it is popped.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
- All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
- Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
- is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
- can never hope to acquire it.
-%
-Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.
-%
-Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
-corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
-favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
- -- Piers Anthony
-%
-Mental things which have not gone in through the
-senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
- -- Leonardo
-%
-Menu, n.:
- A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
-%
-Meskimen's Law:
- There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
- do it over.
-%
-MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
-%
-Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
-%
-Message will arrive in the mail.
-Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
-%
-METEOROLOGIST:
- One who doubts the established fact that it is
- bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
-%
-Metermaids eat their young.
-%
-methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
-ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
-phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
-taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
-glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
-nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
-minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
-cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
-leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
-cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
-lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
-sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
-cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
-nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
-nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
-partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
-glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
-valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
-cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
-nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
-rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
-glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
-sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
-lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
-glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
- The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
- 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
- -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
- Preposterous Words
-%
-Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
-%
-MICRO:
- Thinker toys.
-%
-Micro Credo:
- Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
-%
-Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
-%
-Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
-watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
-%
-Microwaves frizz your heir.
-%
-Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
-%
-Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
-get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
- -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942)
-%
-Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
-Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
- inconsiderate."
- -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
-%
-Miksch's Law:
- If a string has one end, then it has another end.
-%
-Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
-%
-Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-Miller's Slogan:
- Lose a few, lose a few.
-%
-Millihelen, adj.:
- The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
-%
-Millions long for immortality who do not know what
-to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- -- Susan Ertz
-%
-Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
-almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
-they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
-President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
-lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
-stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
-Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
-Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
-the gold and the black.
- -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
-%
-Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
-particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
-to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
-But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
-shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
-me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
-%
-Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
-%
-Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
-%
-Minicomputer:
- A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
- manager.
-%
-Minnesota --
- home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
- mosquito supplier to the free world.
- come fall in love with a loon.
- where visitors turn blue with envy.
- one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
- land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
- where the elite meet sleet.
- glove it or leave it.
- many are cold, but few are frozen.
- land of the ski and home of the crazed.
- land of 10,000 Petersons.
-%
-Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
-%
-Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
-pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
-%
-MIPS:
- Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
-%
-Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
- -- Jean Cocteau
-%
-Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
-%
-Misery no longer loves company.
-Nowadays it insists on it.
- -- Russell Baker
-%
-Misfortune, n.:
- The kind of fortune that never misses.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
-%
-Miss, n.:
- A title with which we brand unmarried
- women to indicate that they are in the market.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Mistakeholder, n.:
- A person who depends on accidental features or
- implementation errors and so now has a vested
- interest in keeping things from being fixed.
- -- Chip Morningstar
-%
-Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
-%
-Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
-%
-MIT:
- The Georgia Tech of the North
-%
-Mitchell's Law of Committees:
- Any simple problem can be made insoluble
- if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
-%
-Mittsquinter, adj.:
- A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball,
- as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
-it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
- -- Horace
-%
-Mixed emotions:
- Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
- With five empty seats.
-%
-Mix's Law:
- There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
- There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
-%
-MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
-
- Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
-2 cups water 2 cups sugar
-2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
- Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
- Cinnamon
-
-Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
-RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
-and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
-juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
-with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
-crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
-steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
-is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
- -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
-%
-Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
- -- P. J. Denning
-%
-Modem, adj.:
- Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
- unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
-%
-Moderation in all things.
- -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
-%
-Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
-themselves that they have a better idea.
- -- John Ciardi
-%
-Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
-%
-Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
-function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
-other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
-brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
-Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
-conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
-is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
-assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
-Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
-logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
- -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
- A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
-%
-MODESTY:
- Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
-%
-Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
- -- J. K. Galbraith
-%
-Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
- not to be aware of it.
- -- Oliver Herford
-%
-Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
-Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
-Moe: So?
-Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
-%
-Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
-Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
-%
-Moebius always does it on the same side.
-%
-Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
-%
-Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
-how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
-The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
-%
-Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
-in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
-hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
-the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
-but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
-So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
-over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
-the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
-the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
-awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
-woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
- "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
-%
-Molecule, n.:
- The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
- the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
- closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
- of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
- the atom in that it is an ion...
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
- If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
- and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
-%
-MOMENTUM:
- What you give a person when they are going away.
-%
-Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
-%
-Mom's Law:
- When they finally do have to take you to the
- hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
-%
-Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
-%
-Monday, n.:
- In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Monday, n.:
- In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
-things we have.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
-%
-Money cannot buy
-The fuel of love
-but is excellent kindling.
-
-To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
-Is a keen observer of life,
-The word intellectual suggests right away
-A man who's untrue to his wife.
- -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
-%
-Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
-awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
- -- C. B. Luce
-%
-Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
- -- Christopher Marlowe
-%
-Money doesn't talk, it swears.
- -- Bob Dylan
-%
-Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-%
-Money is its own reward.
-%
-Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
-%
-Money is the root of all wealth.
-%
-Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
- -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
-%
-Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
-%
-Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
-puts you in a great bargaining position.
-%
-Money will say more in one moment than
-the most eloquent lover can in years.
-%
-Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
- -- Andries van Dam
-%
-Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
- -- H. H. Munro
-%
-MONOTONY:
- Marriage to one woman at a time.
-%
-MONTANA:
- A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
-%
-MONTANA:
- Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
-%
-Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
-in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
-of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
- -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
-%
-Moon, n.:
- 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
-hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
-%
-Moore's Constant:
- Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
- does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
-%
-Mophobia, n.:
- Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
-%
-More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
- -- Vauvenargues
-%
-More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
-necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
-blind stupidity.
- -- W. A. Wulf
-%
-More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
- -- R. S. Surtees
-%
-More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
-%
-More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
-%
-MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
-The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
-night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
-waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
-the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
-broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
-the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
-At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
-full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
-%
-More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
-leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
-Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
- -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
-%
-Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
-religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
-One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
-man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
-just once?"
- The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
-nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
-I just want to win one little lottery."
- "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
-least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
-%
-Morton's Law:
- If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
-%
-Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
-wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
- -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
-%
-Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
- Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
- If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
-%
-MOSQUITO:
- The state bird of New Jersey.
-%
-Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
-%
-Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
-because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
-and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
-eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
-and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
-female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
-dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
-by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
-truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
-them that it doesn't make any difference.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
- Teen Should Know"
-%
-Most folks they like the daytime,
- 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
-They're up in the morning,
- off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
-But when the sun goes down,
- and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
-
-Now there are two sides to this great big world,
- and one of them is always night.
-If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
- I guess you're gonna be all right.
-Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
- My eyes just can't stand the light.
-
-'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
- -- Carly Simon
-%
-Most general statements are false, including this one.
- -- Alexander Dumas
-%
-Most of our lives are about proving something,
-either to ourselves or to someone else.
-%
-Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
-difficulties before we get to them.
- -- Dr. Frank Crane
-%
-...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
-useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
-hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
-and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
-lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
-which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
-speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
-of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
-has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
- -- Alix Kates Shulman
-%
-Most of your faults are not your fault.
-%
-Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
-%
-Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
-they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
-to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
-moon.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
-%
-Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
-than they do.
- -- Turgenev
-%
-Most people deserve each other.
- -- Shirley
-%
-Most people don't need a great deal of love
-nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
-%
-Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
- -- Edgar W. Howe
-%
-Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
-%
-Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
-only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
-quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
-%
-Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
-a good reason, and the real reason.
-%
-Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
-at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
- -- Susan Sontag
-%
-Most people need some of their problems
-to help take their mind off some of the others.
-%
-Most people prefer certainty to truth.
-%
-Most people want either less corruption
-or more of a chance to participate in it.
-%
-Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
-if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
-%
-Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
-%
-Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
-%
-Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
-can't talk for people who can't read.
- -- Frank Zappa
-%
-Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
-%
-Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
- -- Richard Lewis
-%
-MOTHER:
- Half a word.
-%
-Mother Earth is not flat!
-%
-Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
- -- Arnold Bennett
-%
-Mother is the invention of necessity.
-%
-Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
-would be so many.
-%
-Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
-%
-Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
-don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- -- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
-Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
- -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
-%
-Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
-%
-MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
-%
-Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
-of the day.
-%
-Mr. Cole's Axiom:
- The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
- population is growing.
-%
-Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
-the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
-shirts but they're going back.
-%
-Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
-you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
-%
-Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
-renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
-at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
-%
-Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
-Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
-lessons or what?
-%
-Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
-When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
-wrong, "Up to a point."
- "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
-Yokohama isn't it?"
- "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
- "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
- "Definitely, Lord Copper."
- -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
-%
-MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
- -- Henry Spencer
-%
-Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
-consultants, and at some point you time them out.
- -- Craig Partridge
-%
-Much of the excitement we get out of our work
-is that we don't really know what we are doing.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
-He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
-"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
- be shared."
-But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
-First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
-"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
-But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
-"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
- with prawns,
-Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
-But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
-His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
-And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
-His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
-And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
-and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
-None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
-%
-Multics is security spelled sideways.
-%
-"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
-365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
-Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
-tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
-smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
-than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
-An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
-as much fun to watch.
- -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
-%
-MUMMY:
- An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
-%
-Mummy dust to make me old;
-To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
-To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
-To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
-A blast of wind to fan my hate;
-A thunderbolt to mix it well --
-Now begin thy magic spell!
- -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
-%
-Mum's the word.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
- -- Xaviera Hollander
-
-[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
-%
-Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
-talk about after dinner.
- -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
-%
-Murphy was an optimist.
-%
-Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
-%
-Murphy's Law of Research:
- Enough research will tend to support your theory.
-%
-Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
- -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
-%
-Murphy's Laws:
- (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
- (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
- (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
-%
-Murray's Rule:
- Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
-%
-Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
-%
-Must I hold a candle to my shames?
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-Mustgo, n.:
- Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
- long it has become a science project.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
- -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
-%
-My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
- But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
-Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
- To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
-'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
-
-And you know two heads are better than one.
-%
-My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
-threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
-First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
-frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
-the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
-forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
-perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
-the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
-crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
-symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
-in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
-really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
-OK.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
-%
-My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
-
-Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
-they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
-%
-My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
-The height of its contents to see!
-She lit a small match to assist her,
-Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
-%
-My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
-to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
-only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
-a bulls-eye on the back.
-
-I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
-said, "So will you."
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-My brain is my second favorite organ.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
-of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
-It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
- and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
-It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
- decimal points for the sake of precision.
-Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
- I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
-It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
- arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
-It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
- over.
-Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
- life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
-%
-My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
-nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
-instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
-a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
-the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
-turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
-that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
-just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-"My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
- -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
-%
-My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
-%
-My darling wife was always glum.
-I drowned her in a cask of rum,
-And so made sure that she would stay
-In better spirits night and day.
-%
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
-Unless there are three other people.
- -- Orson Welles
-%
-My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
-%
-My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
-beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
-is going on.
- -- John F. Kennedy
-%
-My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
- -- Iphicrates
-%
-My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
-your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
- -- Erich Maria Remarque
-%
-My father taught me three things:
- 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
- 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
- 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
-%
-My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
-missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
- -- E. B. White
-%
-My father was a saint, I'm not.
- -- Indira Gandhi
-%
-My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
-and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
- -- Hubert H. Humphrey
-%
-My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
-Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
-New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
-and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
-somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
- "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
-to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
- -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
-%
-My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
-but they were there to meet the boat.
-%
-My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
-later I can ask him what he meant.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
-but always, always, he was right.
-%
-My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
-she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
-back and dig her up.
-%
-My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
-as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
-mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
-I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
-would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
-%
-My, how you've changed since I've changed.
-%
-My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
-%
-My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
-%
-My interest is in the future because I am
-going to spend the rest of my life there.
-%
-My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
- -- MadameX
-%
-My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
- And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
-The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
- And the skies are sunlit for him.
-As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
- As the fragrance of acacia.
-My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
- And I wish he were in Asia.
- -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
-%
-My love runs by like a day in June,
- And he makes no friends of sorrows.
-He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
- In the pathway or the morrows.
-He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
- Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
-My own dear love, he is all my heart --
- And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
- -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
-%
-My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
-thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-My mind can never know my body, although
-it has become quite friendly with my legs.
- -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
-%
-My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
- -- Crazy Jimmy
-%
-My mother loved children -- she would
-have given anything if I had been one.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
-"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
-For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
- -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
-%
-My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
- -- Sue Murphy
-%
-My My, hey hey
-Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
-It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
-Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
-My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
-
-It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
-They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
-And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
-When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
-And into the black
- -- Neil Young
- "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
-%
-My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
-be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
-%
-My only love sprung from my only hate!
-Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
- -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
-%
-My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-%
-My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-My own dear love, he is strong and bold
- And he cares not what comes after.
-His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
- And his eyes are lit with laughter.
-He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
- Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
-My own dear love, he is all my world --
- And I wish I'd never met him.
- -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
-%
-My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am
-perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other
-words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
-and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
-reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
-to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
-we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
-slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
-from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
-would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
- -- James A. Michener
-%
-My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
-%
-My pen is at the bottom of a page,
-Which, being finished, here the story ends;
-'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
-But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
- -- Byron
-%
-My philosophy is: Don't think.
- -- Charles Manson
-%
-My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
- -- Errol Flynn
-
-Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
- -- Errol Flynn
-%
-My rackets are run on strictly American
-lines, and they're going to stay that way.
- -- Al Capone
-%
-My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
-spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
-with our frail and feeble mind.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
-hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
-in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
-character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
-of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
-Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
-dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
-to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
-in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
--- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
-part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
-right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
-have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
-exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
-reason to limit myself.
- -- Emo Philips
-%
-My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
-She sells C shells by the seashore.
-%
-My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
-I do not like me anymore,
-I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
-I ponder on the narrow house
-I shudder at the thought of men
-I'm due to fall in love again.
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
-%
-My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
- -- Christopher Morley
-%
-My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
- -- George Gobel
-%
-My way of joking is to tell the truth.
-That's the funniest joke in the world.
- -- Muhammad Ali
-%
-My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
-%
-Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
- -- Booth Tarkington
-%
-Mythology, n.:
- The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
- early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
- from the true accounts which it invents later.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
-is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
-returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
-
-So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
-
-Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
- "So, how's your daughter?"
- "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
- "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
- "Yes, that's my Rachel."
- "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
- the doctor?"
- "Yes, that's her!"
- "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
- "Yes, yes!"
- "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
-%
-Nachman's Rule:
- When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
- -- Gerald Nachman
-%
-Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
- -- '76 Olympics
-%
-'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
-Never odd or even.
-A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
-Madam, I'm Adam.
-Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
- -- The Mad Palindromist
-%
-NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
- says is wrong.
-GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
- will be right.
- -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
-%
-Narcolepulacyi, n.:
- The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
- to also yawn.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
-"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
-goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
-it."
-%
-Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
-gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
-only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
-stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
-asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
-for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
-he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
-were spoken to.
-%
-Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
-him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
-shop?"
- "Of course."
- "Have you ever seen me before?"
- "Never."
- "Then how do you know it was me?"
-%
-Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
-than the sun."
- "Why?", he was asked.
- "Because at night we need the light more."
-%
-Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
-Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
-his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
-You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
-%
-National security is in your hands - guard it well.
-%
-Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
-scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
- -- Mary Ellen Kelly
-%
-Natural laws have no pity.
-%
-Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
-of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
-drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
-or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
-can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
-have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
-for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
-in every country.
- -- Hermann Goering
-%
-Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
-of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
-fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
-creamed?
- -- Solomon Short
-%
-Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
- -- Clare Booth Luce
-%
-Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
-God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
-
-It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
-Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
-%
-Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
-given them little.
- -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
-%
-Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
-cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
- -- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
-tolerated until they acquire some sense.
- -- William Phelps
-%
-Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
-And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
-As on the land while here the ocean gains,
-In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
-Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
-The solid power of understanding fails;
-Where beams of warm imagination play,
-The memory's soft figures melt away.
- -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
-%
-Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
- -- Francis Bacon
-%
-Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
-On the Rue des Ecoles
-lived an old man
-with a blind dog
-Every evening I would see him
-guiding the dog along
-the sidewalk, keeping
-a firm grip on the leash
-so that the dog wouldn't
-run into a passerby
-Sometimes the dog would stop
-and look up at the sky
-Once the old man
-noticed me watching the dog
-and he said, "Oh, yes,
-this one knows
-when the moon is out,
-he can feel it on his face"
- -- Barry Gifford
-%
-Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
-want to test a man's character, give him power.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
-have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
- -- Brent Welch
-%
-Necessity has no law.
- -- St. Augustine
-%
-Necessity hath no law.
- -- Oliver Cromwell
-%
-Necessity is a mother.
-%
-"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
-is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
- -- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
-Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
-It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
- -- William Pitt, 1783
-%
-Neckties strangle clear thinking.
- -- Lin Yutang
-%
-Needs are a function of what other people have.
-%
-Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
- -- Napoleon
-%
-Neil Armstrong tripped.
-%
-Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
-%
-Nemo me impune lacessit
- [No one provokes me with impunity]
- -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
-%
-Nerd pack, n.:
- Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
- clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
- measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
- in his pack.
-%
-Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
-along at once.
-%
-Neuroses are red,
- Melancholia's blue.
-I'm schizophrenic,
- What are you?
-%
-Neurotics build castles in the sky,
-Psychotics live in them,
-And psychiatrists collect the rent.
-%
-Neutrinos are into physicists.
-%
-Neutrinos have bad breadth.
-%
-Neutron bomb, n.:
- An explosive device of limited military value because, as
- it only destroys people without destroying property, it
- must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
-%
-Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
- -- Linda Festa
-%
-Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
-Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
-%
-Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
-%
-Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
-%
-Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
- -- Anonymous
-%
-Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
-Professionals built the Titanic.
-%
-Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
-%
-Never buy from a rich salesman.
- -- Goldenstern
-%
-Never buy what you do not want
-because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
-%
-Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
-%
-Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
-%
-Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
-%
-Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
-are available.
- -- Niklaus Wirth
-%
-Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
-%
-Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
-with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
-into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
-window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
-%
-Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
-%
-Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
-And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
- -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
-%
-Never eat more than you can lift.
- -- Miss Piggy
-%
-Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
-absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
-%
-Never explain. Your friends do not need it
-and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
- -- Marlo Thomas
-%
-Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
-%
-Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
-%
-Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
-%
-Never give an inch!
-%
-Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
-%
-Never have children, only grandchildren.
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
-Never have so many understood so little about so much.
- -- James Burke
-%
-Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
-%
-Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
-%
-Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
- -- Billy Rose
-%
-Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
- -- Quentin Crisp
-%
-Never kick a man, unless he's down.
-%
-Never laugh at live dragons.
- -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit"
-%
-Never leave anything to chance;
-make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
-%
-Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- -- Erma Bombeck
-%
-Never let someone who says it cannot be done
-interrupt the person who is doing it.
-%
-Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
-%
-Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
- -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
-%
-Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
- -- Saint Jerome
-%
-Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
-%
-Never make anything simple and efficient when a
-way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
-%
-Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-%
-Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
-weapon.
- -- Former deputy defense minister of India
-%
-Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
- -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
-%
-Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
-%
-Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
-%
-Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
-%
-Never promise more than you can perform.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
- -- D. Gries
-%
-Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
-%
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
-%
-Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
-law against it by that time.
-%
-Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
-unprotected.
- -- Robert Orben
-%
-Never reveal your best argument.
-%
-Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
-%
-Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
-%
-Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
-%
-Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
- -- Nelson Algren
-%
-Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
-that subject.
- -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
-%
-NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
-%
-Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
-in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
-tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
-On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
-%
-Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
-do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
- -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
-%
-Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
- -- Steinbach
-%
-Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-%
-Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
-%
-Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
-%
-Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
- -- John Dillinger
-%
-Never trust an operating system.
-%
-Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
-%
-Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
-%
-Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
-sex to a virgin.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein
-
-(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
-%
-Never try to outstubborn a cat.
- -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-Never try to teach a pig to sing.
-It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-%
-Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
- -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
-%
-Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
-%
-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein
-%
-Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
-there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
-%
-Never volunteer for anything.
- -- Lackland
-%
-Never worry about theory as long as the
-machinery does what it's supposed to do.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein
-%
-New, adj.:
- Different color from previous model.
-%
-New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
-%
-New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
-%
-New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
-any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
-%
-New members are urgently needed in the Society
-for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
-%
-New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
- -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
-%
-New release:
- Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
- time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
- rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
-%
-New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
-age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
- -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
-%
-New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
-%
-New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
-whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- -- David Letterman
-%
-New York-- to that tall skyline I come
-Flyin' in from London to your door
-New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
-Where they say you should not wander after dark.
-New York.
- -- Simon and Garfunkel
-%
-New York's got the ways and means;
-Just won't let you be.
- -- The Grateful Dead
-%
-Newlan's Truism:
- An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
- government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
-%
-Newman's Discovery:
- Your best dreams may not come true;
- fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
-%
-NEWS FLASH!!
- Today the East German pole-vault champion
- became the West German pole-vault champion.
-%
-news: gotcha
-%
-NEWSFLASH!!
- Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
-1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
-It was. Age 31.
-%
-Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
-print the chaff.
- -- Adlai E. Stevenson
-%
-Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
-%
-Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
- A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
-%
-Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
-As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
-%
-Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
- -- Foghorn Leghorn
-%
-Nice guys don't finish nice.
-%
-Nice guys finish last.
- -- Leo Durocher
-%
-Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
- -- Evan Davis
-%
-Nice guys get sick.
-%
-Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
- All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
-%
-Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
-%
-Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
-God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
- -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
-%
-Nihilism should commence with oneself.
-%
-Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
-name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
-(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
-but Americans call him by value.
-%
-Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
-Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
-Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
-Three megs for system source;
-
-One disk to rule them all,
-One disk to bind them,
-One disk to hold the files
-And in the darkness grind 'em.
-%
-Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
-And tapes without any tracks;
-Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
-And tapes mixed up on the racks --
- Take hold of the tape
- And pull off the strip,
- And then you'll be sure
- Your tape drive will skip.
-
- -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
-%
-Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
- -- Henry Kissinger
-%
-Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
-The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
- -- Augustine
-%
-Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
- The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
- the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
-%
-Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
-that be and their friends hang out.
- -- Zonker Harris
-%
-Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
-else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
-the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
- -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
-%
-No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
- -- Aesop
-%
-No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
-%
-No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
-%
-No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
-absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
- -- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
- -- William Blake
-%
-No brainer, n.:
- A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
- is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
-%
-No character, however upright, is a match for
-constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
- -- Alexander Hamilton
-%
-No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
- -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
- film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
- Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
-%
-No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
-camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
-effectively under such difficult conditions.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-No directory.
-%
-No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
-lectures which are really worth the attending.
- -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
-%
-No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
-on the grounds that it was human nature.
-%
-No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot."
- -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
-%
-No evil can happen to a good man.
- -- Plato
-%
-No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-No extensible language will be universal.
- -- T. Cheatham
-%
-No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
-no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
- -- Landor
-%
-No group of professionals meets except to
-conspire against the public at large.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
-he will not become a nuisance after three days.
- -- Titus Maccius Plautus
-%
-No guts, no glory.
-%
-No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
-until three software guys have signed off for it.
- -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
-%
-No, his mind is not for rent
-To any god or government.
-Always hopeful, yet discontent,
-He knows changes aren't permanent -
-But change is.
-%
-No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
-%
-No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
-It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
- -- Frank Lloyd Wright
-%
-No, I don't have a drinking problem.
-I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
-%
-No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
-just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
-and Telegraph Company.
- -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
- machine, 1943.
-%
-No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
- -- Sidney
-%
-No job too big; no fee too big!
- -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
-%
-No line available at 300 baud.
-%
-No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
-absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
-Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
-within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
-Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
-doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
-of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
- -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
-%
-No maintenance:
- Impossible to fix.
-%
-No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
-interest in hair restorers.
- -- Austin O'Malley
-%
-No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
-one peanut.
- -- Channing Pollock
-%
-No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
-Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
-Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
-a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
-me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
-for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
- -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
-%
-No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
-%
-No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
-%
-No man is useless who has a friend,
-and if we are loved we are indispensable.
- -- Robert Louis Stevenson
-%
-No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
- -- Edgar W. Howe
-%
-No man's ambition has a right to stand in
-the way of performing a simple act of justice.
- -- John Altgeld
-%
-No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
-than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
- -- Lenin, 1918
-%
-No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
-with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
-But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
-in the afternoons.
- -- Salvador Dali
-%
-No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
-%
-No matter how much you do you never do enough.
-%
-No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
-signs of improvement.
- -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
-%
-No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
-cramp his style.
-%
-No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
-%
-No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
-immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
-%
-No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
-%
-No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
-the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
-%
-No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
-th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
- -- Mr. Dooley
-%
-No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
-unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
- -- Arthur Binstead
-%
-No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
-all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
-the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
-republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
-ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
-every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
- -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
-%
-No one becomes depraved in a moment.
- -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
-%
-No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
-%
-No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
-dirty little beast.
- -- W. S. Gilbert
-%
-No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- -- Eleanor Roosevelt
-%
-No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
-%
-No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
-%
-No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
-%
-No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
- -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
-%
-No one knows like a woman how to say
-things that are at once gentle and deep.
- -- Hugo
-%
-No one knows what he can do till he tries.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
- -- Quintus Ennius
-%
-No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
- -- Snoopy
-%
-No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
-one who's giving it.
- -- Hal Chadwick
-%
-NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
- -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
-%
-No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
-system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
-the author.
- -- Chris Shaw
-%
-No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
-For this isn't really the norm.
-But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
-So what? Any pork in a storm.
-
-No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
-It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
-But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
-Cast even more perils before swine.
-%
-No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
-He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
-Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
-And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
- (refrain)
-Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
-And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
-All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
-But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
- (refrain)
-Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
-The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
-A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
-But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
- (refrain)
-Refrain:
- Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
- And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
- Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
- And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
-%
-No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
-them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
-their wish has been granted.
- -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
-%
-No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
-%
-No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
- -- C. Schulz
-%
-No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
-%
-"No program is perfect,"
-They said with a shrug.
-"The customer's happy--
-What's one little bug?"
-
-But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
-The others went home. As year followed year.
-He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
-Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
-
-Night passed into morning. He died at the console
-The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
-With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
-"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
-
-Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
-Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
-"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
-"Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
- -- The Perfect Programmer
-%
-No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
-occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
-indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
-different from the one identified by the given indication as an
-indication-applied occurrence.
- -- ALGOL 68 Report
-%
-No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
-%
-No rock so hard but that a little wave
-May beat admission in a thousand years.
- -- Tennyson
-%
-No self-made man ever did such a good job
-that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
- -- Kin Hubbard
-%
-No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
-paper.
- -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
- taken over by Rupert Murdoch
-%
-No skis take rocks like rental skis!
-%
-No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
-for that purpose to keep awake all day.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
-%
-No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
-Finished his old Raven,
-then he started his Old Crow.
-%
-No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
- -- Quintus Ennius
-%
-No spitting on the Bus!
-Thank you, The Management.
-%
-No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-No two persons ever read the same book.
- -- Edmund Wilson
-%
-No use getting too involved in life --
-you're only here for a limited time.
-%
-No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
- -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
-%
-No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
-him than he deserves.
- -- Edgar W. Howe
-%
-No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
-Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
-%
-No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
-%
-No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
-%
-Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
-%
-Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
-it.
- -- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
-%
-Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
- -- Kin Hubbard
-%
-Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
-%
-NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
-%
-Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
-limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
-if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
-shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
-that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
-It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
- -- Liv Ullman
-%
-Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
-%
-Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
- -- Roy Harper
-%
-Nobody loves me,
-Everybody hates me,
-I think I'll go out and eat worms.
-I'm gonna cut their heads off,
-Eat their insides out,
-And throw way the skins.
-Big, fat, juicy ones,
-Little, skinny, cute ones,
-Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
-%
-Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
-And then it's too late.
-%
-Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
-%
-Nobody shot me.
- -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
- who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
- Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
-
-Only Capone kills like that.
- -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
-
-The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
- -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
-%
-Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
-for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
-their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
- -- Lewis Lapham
-%
-Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
-your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
-different.
- -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
- O'Brien, instructions to the force.
-%
-Nobody wants constructive criticism.
-It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
-%
-Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
-coming in late and lying about it.
-%
-nohup rm -fr /&
-%
-Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
-merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Nolo contendere:
- A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
- it again."
-%
-Nominal egg:
- New Yorkerese for expensive.
-%
-Noncombatant, n.:
- A dead Quaker.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
- -- M. J. 0'Donnell
-%
-Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
-%
-None love the bearer of bad news.
- -- Sophocles
-%
-None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
-to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
-ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
-job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
-forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
-he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
-state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
-"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
- -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
-%
-Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
- Negative expectations yield negative results.
- Positive expectations yield negative results.
-%
-Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
- -- Heisenberg
-%
-Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
- -- E. M. Forster
-%
-Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
-%
-Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
-%
-No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
-intentions. He had money as well.
- -- Margaret Thatcher
-%
-Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in
-fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
-moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
-useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
-she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
-moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
-him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
-reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
-some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
-threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
-old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
-had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
-paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
-was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
-he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener
-and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
-young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
- The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
-story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
-quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
-however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
- -- Richard Harter
-%
-Norm: Hey, everybody.
-All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
-Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
- Norm! (Norman.)
- How are you feeling today, Norm?
- Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
- -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
-
-Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
- Film at eleven.
- -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
-
-Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
- -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
-%
-Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
- -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
-
-Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
-Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
- -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
-
-Coach: How's life, Norm?
-Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
- -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
-%
-[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
-
-Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
-Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
- -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
-
-Coach: What's up, Normie?
-Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
- -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
-
-Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
-Norm: Going down?
- -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
-%
-[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
-
-Off-screen crowd: Norm!
-Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
-Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
- -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
-
-Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Elope with my wife.
- -- Cheers, The Triangle
-
-Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
- -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
-%
-[Norm is angry.]
-
-Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
- -- Cheers, The Triangle
-
-Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
-Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
- and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
- -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
-
-Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
-Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
- -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
-%
-[Norm returns from the hospital.]
-
-Coach: What's up, Norm?
-Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
- -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
-
-Sam: What's new, Normie?
-Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
- They're demanding beer.
- -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
-
-Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
-Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
- -- Cheers, King of the Hill
-%
-[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
-Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
-All: Anton!
- -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
-
-Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here."
- -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
-
-Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
-Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
- Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
- -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
-%
-Normal times may possibly be over forever.
-%
-Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
-reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
-although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
-their courses.
- -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
-%
-Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
-%
-Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
-%
-Not all men who drink are poets.
-Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
-%
-Not all who own a harp are harpers.
- -- Marcus Terentius Varro
-%
-Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
-make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
-%
-Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
-the capitalist mode of production.
- -- Herbert Marcuse
-%
-Not every question deserves an answer.
-%
-Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
-%
-Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
-Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
-in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
-moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
-dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
-respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
-it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
-then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
-chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
-ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
- -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
-
-I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
- -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
-%
-Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
- -- Rob Pike
-%
-Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
-serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
-Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
- -- Spinoza
-%
-Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
-to have been written by Bruce Evans.
- -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
-%
-NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
-All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
-all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
-features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
-abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
-attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
-local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
-invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
-surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
-electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
-chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
-premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
-uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
-and/or frogs falling from the sky.
-%
-Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
-
-Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed.
- -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
-%
-Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
-%
-Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
-wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
-astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
-unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
-not to make any poultry jokes.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Nothing can be done in one trip.
- -- Snider
-%
-Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
-%
-Nothing endures but change.
- -- Heraclitus
- [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
-%
-Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
-proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
- -- John Keats
-%
-Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
- -- Winston Churchill
-
-Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
-satisfying as an income tax refund.
- -- F. J. Raymond
-%
-Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
-%
-Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
-%
-Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
- Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
- Or as finished as it seems in the end.
-%
-Nothing is but what is not.
-%
-Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
-%
-Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
-
-To prove this to yourself, try opening the
-refrigerator door before the light comes on.
-%
-Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
-%
-Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
- -- Andrew Young
-%
-Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
- -- A. H. Weiler
-%
-Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
-millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
- -- Nero Wolfe
-%
-Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
-%
-Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
-She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
- -- Michel de Montaigne
-%
-Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
- -- Ebner-Eschenbach
-%
-Nothing lasts forever.
-Where do I find nothing?
-%
-Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
-%
-Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
-Conscience makes egotists of us all.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
- -- Arthur Balfour
-%
-Nothing motivates a man more than to
-see his boss put in an honest day's work.
-%
-Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
-repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
-the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
-which can be offered to a personality.
- -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
-%
-Nothing recedes like success.
- -- Walter Winchell
-%
-Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
-which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
- -- Quentin Crisp
-%
-Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Nothing succeeds like success.
- -- Alexandre Dumas
-%
-Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
- -- Christopher Lascl
-%
-Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- -- Charlie Brown
-%
-Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
-If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
-That's what she said as she turned out the light,
-And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
-Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
-She got from trying to fight
-Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
-[...]
-Well nothing that's real is ever for free
-And you just have to pay for it sometime.
-She said it before, she said it to me,
-I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
-But the same old four imaginary walls
-She'd built for livin' inside
-I said oh, you just can't mean it.
-[...]
-Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
-If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
-That's what she said as she turned out the light,
-And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
-But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
-The veil that covered her eyes,
-I said oh, you can leave it.
- -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
-%
-Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
- -- Kin Hubbard
-%
-Nothing will ever be attempted
-if all possible objections must be first overcome.
- -- Dr. Johnson
-%
-NOTICE:
- Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
- be summarily put out.
-%
-NOTICE:
-
--- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
-
-(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
-%
-Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
- French for "not enough food".
-
-Continental breakfast, n.:
- English for "not enough food".
-
-Tapas, n.:
- Spanish for "not enough food".
-
-Dim Sum, n.:
- Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
-%
-November, n.:
- The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
-
- When comes the revolution, things will be different --
- not better, just different.
-%
-Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
-%
-Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
-Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
- -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
-%
-Now I lay me back to sleep.
-The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
-If he should stop before I wake,
-Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
- -- Anonymous
-%
-Now I lay me down to sleep
-I pray the double lock will keep;
-May no brick through the window break,
-And, no one rob me till I awake.
-%
-Now I lay me down to sleep,
-I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
-If I should die before I wake,
-I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
-%
-Now I lay me down to study,
-I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
-And if I fail to learn this junk,
-I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
-But if I do, don't pity me at all,
-Just lay my bones in the study hall.
-Tell my teacher I've done my best,
-Then pile my books upon my chest.
-%
-Now is the time for all good men to come to.
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
-Now is the time for drinking;
-now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-Now it's time to say goodbye
-To all our company...
-M-I-C (see you next week!)
-K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
-M-O-U-S-E.
-%
-Now of my threescore years and ten,
-Twenty will not come again,
-And take from seventy springs a score,
-It leaves me only fifty more.
-
-And since to look at things in bloom
-Fifty springs are little room,
-About the woodlands I will go
-To see the cherry hung with snow.
- -- A. E. Housman
-%
-Now that day wearies me,
-My yearning desire
-Will receive more kindly,
-Like a tired child, the starry night.
-
-Hands, leave off your deeds,
-Mind, forget all thoughts;
-All of my forces
-Yearn only to sink into sleep.
-
-And my soul, unguarded,
-Would soar on widespread wings,
-To live in night's magical sphere
-More profoundly, more variously.
- -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
-%
-Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
-some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
-her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
-cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
-
-1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
-2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
- exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
-3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
- without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
- occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
- you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
-
-That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
-%
-Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
-Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
-were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
- -- "The Begatting of a President"
-%
-Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
-or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
- -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ
-%
-Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
-you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
- -- Casey Stengel
-%
-Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
-smurfette.
- -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
-%
-Nowlan's Theory:
- He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
- the next freeway exit.
-%
-Now's the time to have some big ideas
-Now's the time to make some firm decisions
-We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
-Talking politics and nuclear fission
-We see him and he's all washed up --
-Moving on into the body of a beetle
-Getting ready for a long long crawl
-He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
-
-Death and Money make their point once more
-In the shape of Philosophical assassins
-Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
-Deadly angels for reality and passion
-Have the courage of the here and now
-Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
-When you think you got it paid in full
-You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
- We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
- We know his name and he mustn't get away.
- We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
- It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
- -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
-%
-Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
- -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
- manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
- Times, June 10, 1955.
-%
-[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
- -- Edwin Meese III
-%
-Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
- -- Karl Lehenbauer
-%
-Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
-normal routines, for children and adults alike.
- -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
-%
-Nuclear war would really set back cable.
- -- Ted Turner
-%
-Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
-%
-Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
-%
-Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
-%
-(null cookie; hope that's ok)
-%
-Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
- -- Seneca
-%
-Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
-%
-Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
-Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
-Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
-Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
-%
-Nusbaum's Rule:
- The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
- organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
- Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
- to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
-%
-O! If I were a fish
-I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
-Yes, that's my one and only wish --
-To be a fish!
-
-For fish don't ever mish;
-They needn't flush after they pish!
-Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
-For all the fish!!!
-%
-O give me a home,
-Where the buffalo roam,
-Where the deer and the antelope play,
-Where seldom is heard
-A discouraging word,
-'Cause what can an antelope say?
-%
-O imitators, you slavish herd!
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-O, it is excellent
-To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
-To use it like a giant.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
-%
-O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
-for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
-%
-O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
-To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
-Might we not smash it to bits
-And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
- -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
-%
-Oatmeal raisin.
-%
-Objects are lost only because people
-look where they are not rather than where they are.
-%
-O'Brian's Law:
- Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
-%
-O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
-thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
- "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
- "Four."
- "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
- then how many?"
- "Four."
- The word ended in a gasp of pain.
- -- George Orwell
-%
-Observe yon plumed biped fine.
-To activate its captivation,
-Deposit on its termination,
-A quantity of particles saline.
-%
-Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
-%
-Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.
- -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
- 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
- of the grandstands.
-%
-Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
-%
-OCCAM'S ERASER:
- The philosophical principle that even the simplest
- solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
-%
-Occident, n.:
- The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
- largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
- Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
- which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
- are the principal industries of the Orient.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-OCEAN:
- A body of water occupying about two-thirds
- of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
-%
-Odets, where is thy sting?
- -- George S. Kaufman
-%
-Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
-%
-Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
-to know so much and have control over nothing.
- -- Herodotus
-%
-Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
-reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
-amount of hot air.
- -- Thomas L. Martin
-%
-Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
- -- Plato
-%
-Of all the words of witch's doom
-There's none so bad as which and whom.
-The man who kills both which and whom
-Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
- -- Fletcher Knebel
-%
-Of all things man is the measure.
- -- Protagoras
-%
-Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
-husband and wife.
-%
-Of course it's possible to love a human being
-if you don't know them too well.
- -- Charles Bukowski
-%
-Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
-tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
- -- Crazy Nigel
-%
-Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
-After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
-%
-Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
-%
-Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
-TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
-%
-Office Automation, n.:
- The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
- by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
-%
-Official Project Stages:
- 1. Uncritical Acceptance
- 2. Wild Enthusiasm
- 3. Dejected Disillusionment
- 4. Total Confusion
- 5. Search for the Guilty
- 6. Punishment of the Innocent
- 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
-%
-Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
-lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
-%
-Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
-%
-Ogden's Law:
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
-%
-Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
-%
-Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
- -- Pink Floyd
-%
-Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
-%
-Oh don't the days seem lank and long
-When all goes right and none goes wrong,
-And isn't your life extremely flat
-With nothing whatever to grumble at!
-%
-Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
-They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
-"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
-Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
-
-Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
-I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
-"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
-Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
-
-Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
-What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
-"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
-Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
-
-Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
-Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
-"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
-Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
-%
-Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
-As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
-Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
-And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
-Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
- see if I don't.
- -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
-%
-Oh, give me a home,
-Where the buffalo roam,
-And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
-%
-Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
- Where the three-body problem is solved,
- Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
- And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
-We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
- Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
- Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
- And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
-If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
- No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
- When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
- If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
-I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
- And living up here is a bore.
- Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
- 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
-
-CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
- Where the space debris always collects,
- We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
- Solar power and zero-gee sex.
- -- to Home on the Range
-%
-Oh give me your pity!
-I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
-Which means that from morning And contend and defend
- to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
-
-We confer and concur,
-We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
-And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
- And consider a load of reports.
-
-We compose and propose,
-We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
-And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
- There's terribly little gets done.
-
-We resolve and absolve;
-But we never dissolve,
-Since it's out of the question for us
-To bring our committee
-To end like this ditty,
-Which stops with a period, thus.
- -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
-%
-"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
-dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
-and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
-you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
-ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
-wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
-last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
-buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
-He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
-and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
-their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
-another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
-said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
-know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
- -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
-%
-Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
- I muck with indices and structs all day
-And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
- Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
-%
-Oh, I could while away the hours,
-Smoking herbs and flowers,
-Shooting up my veins,
- De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
-Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
-I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
-If I dealt in good cocaine.
- -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
-be irresponsible, too.
- -- Lichty & Wagner
-%
-Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
-And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
-Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
-Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
-You have not dreamed of --
-Wheeled and soared and swung
-High in the sunlit silence.
-Hovering there
-I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
-My eager craft through footless halls of air.
-Up, up along delirious, burning blue
-I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
-Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
-And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
-The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
-Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
- -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight"
-%
-Oh I'm just a typical American boy
-From a typical American town.
-I believe in God and Senator Dodd
-And keeping old Castro down.
-And when it came my time to serve
-I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
-But when I got to my old draft board,
-Buddy, this is what I said:
-
-Chorus:
- Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
- And I always carry a purse!
- I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
- And my asthma's getting worse!
- Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
- And my poor old invalid aunt!
- Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
- And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
- -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
-%
-Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
-My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
-Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
-To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
-%
-Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
-arch-enemy -- and that is life.
- -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
-%
-Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
-it's what you do with what you have left.
- -- Hubert H. Humphrey
-%
-Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.
- -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Oh, so there you are!
-%
-Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
-He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
-No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
-He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
- -- The Smothers Brothers
-%
-Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
- -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
-%
-Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
-To see oursel's as others see us!
-It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
-And foolish notion.
- -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
-%
-Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
-Born under one law, to another bound.
- -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
-%
-Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
-%
-Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-Oh, when I was in love with you,
- Then I was clean and brave,
-And miles around the wonder grew
- How well did I behave.
-
-And now the fancy passes by,
- And nothing will remain,
-And miles around they'll say that I
- Am quite myself again.
- -- A. E. Housman
-%
-Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
-%
-Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or
-you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray
-J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or
-you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ...
-%
-Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
- -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
-%
-O.K., fine.
-%
-Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
-have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
-just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
-until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
-save precious time and electrons.
- -- Bill Paul
-%
-OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
- -- Dr. Joy
-%
-OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
-%
-Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
-just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
-executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
-the code over again, since I also removed the source.
-%
-Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
-%
-Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
- -- Bernard Baruch
-%
-Old age is the harbor of all ills.
- -- Bion
-%
-Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
- -- Trotsky
-%
-Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
-%
-Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
-%
-Old Japanese proverb:
- There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
-and those who climb it twice.
-%
-Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
-%
-Old mail has arrived.
-%
-Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for being
-no longer in a position to give bad examples.
- -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
-%
-Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
-To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
-When she got there, the cupboard was bare
-And so was her daughter, I guess...
-%
-Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
-%
-Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
-%
-Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
-%
-Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
-%
-Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
-%
-Old timer, n.:
- One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
-%
-Olivier's Law:
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-%
-Omnibiblious, adj.:
- Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
- I'm omnibiblious."
-%
-On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
-%
-On a clear disk you can seek forever.
- -- P. Denning
-%
-On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
-
-This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
- -- Wolfgang Pauli
-%
-On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
-a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
-
-[One is always a little afraid of love, but
-above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
-%
-On ability:
- A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
- a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
- -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
-%
-On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
-nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
-what it does.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
-car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
-the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
- "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
-you come any closer."
- "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
-explained.
- "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
-decapitation."
- The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
-pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
- "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
-taller."
-%
-On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
-proposition that all men are created jerks.
- -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
-%
-On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
-same moment -- halftime.
-%
-On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
-%
-On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
-girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
-Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
-and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
-%
-On the subject of C program indentation:
-
- "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
- indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
- -- Blair P. Houghton
-%
-On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
- -- W. C. Fields' epitaph
-%
-On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
-Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
-come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
-ideas that could provoke such a question.
- -- Charles Babbage
-%
-Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
-and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
- -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
-%
-Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-Once, adv.:
- Enough.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Once again dread deed is done.
-Canon sleeps,
-his all-knowing eye shaded
-to human chance and circumstance.
-Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
-but Canon's sleep is troubled.
-
-Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
-Impatient hands wait eagerly
-to grasp, to hold
-scant moments of time
-wrested from life in the full
-glory of Canon's power;
-held captive by his unblinking eye.
-
-Three golden orbs stand watch;
-one each to toll the day, hour, minute
-until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
-When that feared moment arrives,
-"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
-It tolls for thee."
- -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
- Valley Pawn Shop today"
-%
-Once Again From the Top
-
-Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
-reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
-in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
-lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
-homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
-he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
-George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
-inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
-lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
-vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
-The Herald regrets the errors."
- -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
-%
-Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
-each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
-choice.
-
-In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
-called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah"
-and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
-passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
-Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
-Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
-Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
-principals or your mistress."
-%
-Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
- -- Homer
-%
-Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
-roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
-forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
-the railroad yards."
- -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
- counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
- law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
-%
-Once I finally figured out all of life's
-answers, they changed the questions.
-%
-Once, I read that a man be never stronger
-than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
- -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
-%
-Once is happenstance,
-Twice is coincidence,
-Three times is enemy action.
- -- Auric Goldfinger
-%
-Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
-sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
-%
-Once Law was sitting on the bench
- And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
-"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
- Nor come before me creeping.
-Upon your knees if you appear,
-'Tis plain you have no standing here."
-
-Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
- "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
-"Amica curiae," she replied --
- "Friend of the court, so please you."
-"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
-I never saw your face before!"
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
-infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
-grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
-possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
- -- Rainer Rilke
-%
-Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
- -- H. R. Haldeman
-%
-Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
-And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
-And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
-He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
-And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
-He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
-And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
- And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
-And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
-And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
-The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
-But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
-Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
-And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
-But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
- And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
-When the day is done and the moon comes out,
-And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
-When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
-And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
-You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
- Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
-%
-Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
-a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
-parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
-to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
-end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
-page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
-inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
-was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
-the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
-%
-Once upon a time there...
-%
-Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
-were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
-to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
-the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
-just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
-of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
-sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
-possession. And the moral of the story is:
-
-The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
-hit you.
-%
-Once upon this midnight incoherent,
-While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
-Over many a broken and subordinate
-Volume of gnarly lore,
-While I pestered, nearly singing,
-Suddenly there came a hewing,
-As of someone profusely skulking,
-Skulking at my chamber door.
-%
-Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
-%
-Once you've tried to change the world you find
-it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
-%
-One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
-somebody's listening.
- -- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
-%
-"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
-
-Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
-The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
- -- Chuq Von Rospach
-%
-One Bell System - it sometimes works.
-%
-One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
-%
-One Bell System - it works.
-%
-One big pile is better than two little piles.
- -- Arlo Guthrie
-%
-One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
- -- Helen Keller
-%
-One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
-mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
- -- J. Gustav White
-%
-One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
-how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
- -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
-%
-One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
-%
-One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
-to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
-a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
-just stupid.
- -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
-%
-One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
-attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
-smoke.
- "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
-releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
- The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
-resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
-border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
- "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
- "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
-Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
-and march back home."
- "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
- "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
- "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
-to Poland three times and never invade?"
- The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
-%
-One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
-truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
-"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
-which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
-guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
-is death by hanging."
- "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
- "I don't believe you."
- "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
- "But that would make it the truth!"
- "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
-%
-One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
-decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
-mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
-way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
-make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
-this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
- A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
-success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
-actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
-there a number of details to be figured out.
- After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
-looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
-some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
-track."
- At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
-pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
-eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
-the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
-behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
-IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
-And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
-harmonic motion..."
-%
-One day,
-A mad meta-poet,
-With nothing to say,
-Wrote a mad meta-poem
-That started: "One day,
-A mad meta-poet,
-With nothing to say,
-Wrote a mad meta-poem
-That started: "One day,
-[...]
-sort of close".
-Were the words that the poet,
-Finally chose,
-To bring his mad poem,
-To some sort of close".
-Were the words that the poet,
-Finally chose,
-To bring his mad poem,
-To some sort of close".
-%
-One difference between a man and a machine
-is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
-%
-One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
- -- Larry Gelbart
-%
-One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
-Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
-conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
-merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
-his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
- Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
-full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
-been havin' all these years."
- Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
-Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
-totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
-drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
-passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
-with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
- Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
-head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
-years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
-%
-One expresses well the love he does not feel.
- -- J. A. Karr
-%
-One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
-%
-One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
- -- George Herbert
-%
-One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
-Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
-a rivalry of aim.
- -- Henry Brook Adams
-%
-One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
- -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
-%
-One good reason why computers can do more work than
-people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
-%
-One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
-%
-One good thing about music,
-Well, it helps you feel no pain.
-So hit me with music;
-Hit me with music now.
- -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
-%
-One good turn asketh another.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-One good turn deserves another.
- -- Gaius Petronius
-%
-One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
-%
-One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
-and end up with the atomic bomb.
- -- Marcel Pagnol
-%
-One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
- -- Confucius
-%
-One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
- -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
-%
-One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
- -- Gustave Droz
-%
-One learns to itch where one can scratch.
- -- Ernest Bramah
-%
-ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
-ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
-%
-One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
-%
-One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
-one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
-produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
-represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
-many ...
- -- Anthony Chevins
-%
-One man's constant is another man's variable.
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-One man's folly is another man's wife.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
-"Supernatural" is a null word.
-%
-One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
- -- George M. Cohan
-%
-One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
-%
-One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
-can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
- -- Clifton Fadiman
-%
-One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
-%
-One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
-will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
-I'll tell you."
-%
-One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
-without laughing.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
-%
-One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
-%
-One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
-one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
-percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
-simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
-nobody can touch him.
- -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
-%
-One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
-advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
-mathematics.
- -- N. Wiener
-%
-One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
-enough to give you presents they make at school.
- -- Robert Byrne
-%
-One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
-unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
- -- Joyce Carol Oates
-%
-One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
-do and always a clever thing to say.
- -- Will Durant
-%
-One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
-Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
-to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
-be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
-to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
-understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
-renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
-time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
-puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
-genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
-foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
- -- Joe Martin
-%
-One of the most striking differences between a
-cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
-create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_\bs_\bo_\bm_\be_\bb_\bo_\bd_\by has to buy
-retail."
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
-need no answer.
- -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
-%
-One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
-seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
-way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
-in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
-imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
-%
-One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
-once had a publisher shot.
- -- Siegfried Unseld
-%
-One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
-%
-One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
-thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
-the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
-hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
-laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
- To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
-happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
-And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
- -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
-%
-One organism, one vote.
-%
-One person's error is another person's data.
-%
-One picture is worth 128K words.
-%
-One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
-And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
-And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
-Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
-Go ask Alice Call Alice
-When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
-
-When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
-Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
-And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
- mushroom backwards
-And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
-Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
-I think she'll know. Feed your head.
- Feed your head.
- Feed your head.
- -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
-%
-One planet is all you get.
-%
-One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
-is that there never was a plan in the first place.
-%
-One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
-manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
-they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
-say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
-study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
-sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
-strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
-rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
-be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
-Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
-Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
-millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
-support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
-your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
-of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
-already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
- -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
-%
-One reason why George Washington
-Is held in such veneration:
-He never blamed his problems
-On the former Administration.
- -- George O. Ludcke
-%
-One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
-should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
-to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
-virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
-and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
-many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
-people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
-is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
-%
-One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
- Doesn't fit anyone.
-%
-One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
-%
-One thing about the past.
-It's likely to last.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
-my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
-warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
-cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
-
-I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
-late.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-One thing the inventors can't seem to
-get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
-%
-One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
-sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
-terror.
- -- W. K. Hartmann
-%
-One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
-%
-One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
-One toke over the line,
-Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
-One toke over the line.
-Waitin' for the train that goes home,
-Hopin' that the train is on time,
-Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
-One toke over the line.
-%
-One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
-new model.
-%
-One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
-%
-One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
-the stake while the votes were being counted.
- -- Thomas B. Reed
-%
-One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
-because they bite.
- -- Vladimir Lenin
-%
-One-Shot Case Study, n.:
- The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
- it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
-%
-On-line, adj.:
- The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
- computer.
-%
-Only a fool has no doubts.
-%
-Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
-%
-Only fools are quoted.
- -- Anonymous
-%
-Only God can make random selections.
-%
-Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-
-Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
- -- The Unnamed Usenetter
-%
-Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
-essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
- -- Alex Levine
-
-[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
-hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
-%
-Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
-to use the editorial "we".
-%
-Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
-smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
-%
-Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
- -- Baba Ram Dass
-%
-Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
-placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
-and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
-food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
-unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
-and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
-modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
-that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
-postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
-the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
-May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
- -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
-%
-Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
- -- Hannah Arendt
-%
-Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
-busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
-%
-Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
-%
-Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
-a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
-or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
-happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
-windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
-peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
- -- Sicilian police officer
-%
-Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
-of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
-%
-Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
-%
-Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
-%
-Onward through the fog.
-%
-Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
-%
-Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
- -- Debbie VanDam
-%
-Opium is very cheap considering you don't
-feel like eating for the next six days.
- -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
-%
-Oppernockity tunes but once.
-%
-Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
-work, so most people don't recognize them.
-%
-Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
-talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
-crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
-them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
-%
-Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
- -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
-%
-Optimism, n.:
-The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
-and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
-those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
-with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
-to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
-but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
-%
-Optimist, n.:
- A bagpiper with a beeper.
-%
-Optimist, n.:
- A proponent of the belief that black is white.
-
- A pessimist asked God for relief.
- "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
- "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
-would justify them."
- "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
-something -- the mortality of the optimist."
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Optimist, n.:
- Someone who goes down to the marriage
- bureau to see if his license has expired.
-%
-Optimization hinders evolution.
-%
-Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
- -- Germaine Greer
-%
-Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
-%
-Order and simplification are the first steps toward
-mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
- -- Thomas Mann
-%
-Oregano, n.:
- The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
-%
-Oregon, n.:
- Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
-night.
-%
-O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
-Cleanliness is next to impossible
-%
-Oreo
-%
-Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
-Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
- -- Mike Adams
-%
-Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
-to people you could not have possibly met.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-Osborn's Law:
- Variables won't; constants aren't.
-%
-Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
-%
-Other women cloy
-The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
-Where most she satisfies.
- -- Antony and Cleopatra
-%
-Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
-%
-Others will look to you for stability,
-so hide when you bite your nails.
-%
-O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
- Murphy was an optimist.
-%
-Ouch! That felt good!
- -- Karen Gordon
-%
-"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
-system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
-
-"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
-any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
- -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
-%
-Our business in life is not to succeed
-but to continue to fail in high spirits.
- -- Robert Louis Stevenson
-%
-Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
-local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
-award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
-His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
-by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
-home-made, hand-held model.
-
-Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
-to the Pentagon free of charge:
-
- a. Don't kill anybody.
- b. Don't build things that do.
- c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
-
-We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
- -- Sojourners
-%
-Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
-but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
-%
-Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
-office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
-were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
-juice. But only *_\bh_\be* had a lollipop.
-
-He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
-
-Her reply:
-
- "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
- means to be a programmer."
-%
-Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
-continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
-emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
-did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
-Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
-to have been quite real.
- -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
-%
-Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
-%
-Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
- -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
-%
-Our little systems have their day;
-They have their day and cease to be;
-They are but broken lights of thee.
- -- Tennyson
-%
-Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
-Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
-In kernel as it is in user.
-%
-Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
-to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
-rain, we were punished.
- -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
-%
-Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
- -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
-%
-Our problems are so serious that the best
-way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
-%
-Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
-We their sons are more worthless than they:
-so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-Our swords shall play the orators for us.
- -- Christopher Marlowe
-%
-Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
-In all of the directions it can whiz;
-As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
-Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
-So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
-How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
-And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
-'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
- -- Monty Python
-%
-Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
- -- Alex Schure
-%
-Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
- -- General Omar N. Bradley
-%
-Ours is a world where people don't know what they
-want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
-%
-Out of sight is out of mind.
- -- Arthur Clough
-%
-Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
- -- Immanuel Kant
-%
-Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
-%
-Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
-it's too dark to read.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-Over the shoulder supervision is more a
-need of the manager than the programming task.
-%
-Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
-I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
-%
-Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
-complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
-rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
-errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
-design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
-result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
-problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
-system.
- -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
- Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
- Concepts and Philosophies,"
- IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
-%
-Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
-continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
-powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
-victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
-move?'
- -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
-%
-Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
-%
-Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket.
-%
-Overheard:
- "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
-%
-Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
-%
-Owe no man any thing...
- -- Romans 13:8
-%
-Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
-concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
-oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
-much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
-concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
-takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
-for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
-oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
-process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
-always fatal.
-
-However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
-fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
-sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
-considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
-symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
-
-Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
-the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
-due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
-in question.
-
-Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
-tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
-too late.
- -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
-%
-Ozman's Laws:
- (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
- (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
- (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
- (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
-%
-paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
- vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
-patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
-Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
-shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
-sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
-tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
- or as a vegetable.
-troopa, n: A state policeman.
-Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
-yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
- -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
-%
-PAIN:
- Falling out of a twenty story building,
- and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
-%
-PAIN:
- One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
-%
-PAIN:
- Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
-%
-Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
-%
-Painting, n.:
- The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
- exposing them to the critic.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Pandora's Rule:
- Never open a box you didn't close.
-%
-panic: can't find /
-%
-panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
-%
-panic: kernel trap (ignored)
-%
-Paprika Measure:
-
- 2 dashes == 1 smidgen
- 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
- 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
- 2 soupcons == too much paprika
-%
-Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
-better.
- -- Laurie Anderson
-%
-Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
-%
-Paralysis through analysis.
-%
-PARANOIA:
- A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
-%
-Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
-%
-Paranoia is heightened awareness.
-%
-Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
-%
-Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
-Now ... just try to find out where!
-%
-Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
-%
-Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
-to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
- -- D. J. Hicks
-%
-Pardon me while I laugh.
-%
-Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
-%
-Pardo's First Postulate:
- Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
-fattening.
-
-Arnold's Addendum:
- Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
-%
-Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
-didn't have much of anything to do with it.
-%
-Parker's Law:
- Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
-%
-Parkinson's Fifth Law:
- If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
- bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
-%
-Parkinson's Fourth Law:
- The number of people in any working group tends to increase
- regardless of the amount of work to be done.
-%
-Parsley is gharsley.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
-%
-PARTY:
- A gathering where you meet people who drink
- so much you can't even remember their names.
-%
-Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
- -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
-%
-Pascal is not a high-level language.
- -- Steven Feiner
-%
-Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
- -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
-%
-Pascal, n.:
- A programming language named after a man who would turn over
- in his grave if he knew about it.
- -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
-%
-Pascal Users:
- The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
- Please modify your programs accordingly.
-%
-Pascal Users:
- To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
- death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
-%
-Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
- -- Eric Hoffer
-%
-Password:
-%
-Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
-%
-Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
- unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
- All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
- eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
- CREEPING things...
-Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
-P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
- can get in.
-A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
-P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
- CATERPILLARS!
-[...]
-P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
- a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
-A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
-P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
-A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
- Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
-P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
-A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
- par for the course, Charlie.
- -- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-Patageometry, n.:
- The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
-under brain transplants.
-%
-Patch griefs with proverbs.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
-%
-Patent, v.:
- A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
-%
-"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
-(crosses stream)
-"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
- -- Eeyore
-%
-Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
-%
-Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
- -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
-%
-Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
- -- Titus Maccius Plautus
-%
-Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
- -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
-
-In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
-resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
-inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-
-When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
-he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
- -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
-
-Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
- -- Boies Penrose
-%
-Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
- -- Gauss
-%
-Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
-%
-Paul's Law:
- In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
- save.
-%
-Paul's Law:
- You can't fall off the floor.
-%
-Pause for storage relocation.
-%
-Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
- -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Paycheck, n.:
- The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
- withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
- medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
- Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
-%
-Payeen to a Twang
-Derrida
-Ore-Ida
-potato.
-
-If you dared,
-I'd ask you
-to go dig
-up your ides under brown-
-tubered skies.
-
-where pitchforked
-you will ask
-Derrida?
-%
-Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
-%
-Peace cannot be kept by force; it
-can only be achieved by understanding.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-Peace is much more precious than a piece
-of land... let there be no more wars.
- -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981)
-%
-Peace, n.:
- In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
- periods of fighting.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Peanut Blossoms
-
-4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
-4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
-4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
-8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
-4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
-
-Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
-cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
-each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
-to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
-%
-Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
- Never eat rutabaga on any day of
- the week that has a "y" in it.
-%
-Pedaeration, n.:
- The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
- sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Pediddel, n.:
- A car with only one working headlight.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
-when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
-baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
-diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
-at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
-Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
-motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
-base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
-What is it?"
- "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
-hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
-Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
-to Sax.'"
- -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
-%
-Peeping Tom:
- A window fan.
-%
-Peers's Law:
-The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
-%
-Pelorat sighed.
- "I will never understand people."
- "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
-at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
-worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
-if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
-weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
-people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
--- no offense intended."
- -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
-%
-Penguin Trivia #46:
- Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
- -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
-%
-PENGUINICITY!!
-%
-Pension, n.:
- A federally insured chain letter.
-%
-People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
-attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
-suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
-case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
-only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
-tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-People are beginning to notice you.
-Try dressing before you leave the house.
-%
-People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
-%
-People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
-%
-People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
-times, four time, five times...
-%
-People in general do not willingly read
-if they have anything else to amuse them.
- -- S. Johnson
-%
-People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
- -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
-%
-People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
-election.
- -- Otto von Bismarck
-%
-People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
-rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
- -- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-People often find it easier to be a
-result of the past than a cause of the future.
-%
-People respond to people who respond.
-%
-People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
-*know* me there!
- -- D. L. Roth
-%
-People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
-have been left out on the pleasure.
- -- Russell Baker
-%
-People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
-absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
-public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
-the concentration camps.
-%
-People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
-%
-People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
-to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
-it too.
-%
-People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
- -- Ken Kesey
-%
-People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
-%
-People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
-much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
- -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
-%
-People who claim they don't let little things bother
-them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
-%
-People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
- -- Abigail Van Buren
-%
-People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-%
-People who have no faults are terrible;
-there is no way of taking advantage of them.
-%
-People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
-what they want that they don't want it.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
-%
-People who push both buttons should get their wish.
-%
-People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
-%
-People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
-cold baths.
-%
-People who think they know everything
-greatly annoy those of us who do.
-%
-People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
-Franklin said it first.
-%
-People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
-%
-People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
-did yesterday.
-%
-People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
-%
-People's Action Rules:
- (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
- (2) Some people who should, won't.
- (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
- (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
- (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
-%
-Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
- -- R. W. Hamming
-%
-Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
-[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
-or
-[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
- -- Aelius Donatus
-%
-Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
-%
-Perfect guest, n.:
- One who makes his host feel at home.
-%
-Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
-anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
- -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
-%
-Performance:
- A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
- rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
- to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
-%
-Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
-I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
-poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
- -- Thomas Macaulay
-%
-Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
-%
-Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
-behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
-order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
-fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
-%
-Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is
-being a bore.
- -- Cecil Beaton
-%
-Perilous to all of us are the devices of
-an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
- -- Gandalf the Grey
-%
-Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
-upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
-nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
-news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
-the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
-prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
-periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
-negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
-periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
-on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
-case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
-nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
-proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
-civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
-by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
-indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
-instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
-developments."
- -- Fowler's English Usage
-%
-Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
-a merit in political leaders.
- -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
-%
-Personifiers of the world, unite!
-You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
- -- Bernadette Bosky
-%
-Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
-%
-Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
-persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
-to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
- -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
-%
-Pessimist, n.:
- A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
- wolf from the door.
-
-Optimist, n.:
- A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
- his pants.
-
-Opportunist, n.:
- A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
-%
-Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
-Waiter: Who told you?
-Pete: A little swallow.
-%
-Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
- Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
- liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
- into suitable containers and cook until done.
-%
-Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
- A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
-emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
-identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
-Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
-%
-Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
-%
-Peter's Law of Substitution:
- Look after the molehills, and the
- mountains will look after themselves.
-
-Peter's Principle of Success:
- Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
-
-Peter's Principle:
- In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
- his incompetence.
-%
-Peterson's Admonition:
- When you think you're going down for the third time --
- just remember that you may have counted wrong.
-%
-Peterson's Rules:
- (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
- are filled with something sticky.
- (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
- (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
- (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
-%
-Petribar, n.:
- Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
- the window of a vending machine too long.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Phasers locked on target, Captain.
-%
-Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
-exciting Camden, New Jersey.
-%
-Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
-%
-Philosophy, n.:
- The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
-%
-Philosophy, n.:
- Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
-%
-Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
- -- John Keats
-%
-Phone call for chucky-pooh.
-%
-Phosflink, v.:
- To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow,
- that will bring it back to life).
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Photographing a volcano is just about
-the most miserable thing you can do.
- -- Robert B. Goodman
- [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
-%
-Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
-farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
-chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
- -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
-%
-Pick another fortune cookie.
-%
-Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
-I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
-Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
-She left me not knowing what to do.
-
-Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
-Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
-The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
-Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
-
-Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
-I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
-Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
-With knowing I got noone left to blame.
-Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
-
-Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
-I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
-I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
-From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
- -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
-%
-Pickle's Law:
- If Congress must do a painful thing,
- the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
-%
-Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
-hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
-sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
-%
-Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
-Not one damn thing do we solve.
- -- 1776
-%
-Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
-%
-Piece of cake!
- -- G. S. Koblas
-%
-Pig, n.:
- An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
- by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
- is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
-ruthless in punishing little thieves.
- -- Diogenes
-%
-Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
- -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
-%
-Piping down the valleys wild,
-Piping songs of pleasant glee,
-On a cloud I saw a child,
-And he laughing said to me:
-"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
-So I piped with merry cheer.
-"Piper, pipe that song again;"
-So I piped: he wept to hear.
- -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
-%
-Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
-the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
-outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
- -- Love and Rockets
-%
-PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
- You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
- by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
- and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
- and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
- small animals.
-%
-PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
- Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
- Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
- else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
- get run over by a bus.
-%
-PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
- You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
- It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
- job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
- a car.
-%
-Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
- -- Don Marquis
-%
-Pixel, n.:
- A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
- The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
- Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
- intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
-%
-P-K4
-%
-Plaese porrf raed.
- -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
-%
-Plagiarize, plagiarize,
-Let no man's work evade your eyes,
-Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
-Don't shade your eyes,
-But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
-Only be sure to call it research.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Planet Claire has pink hair.
-All the trees are red.
-No one ever dies there.
-No one has a head....
-%
-Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
-Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
- -- Green Lantern Comics
-%
-Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
-because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
-couldn't compete successfully with poets.
- -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
- Shell"
-%
-Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
-them.
-%
-Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
-table.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
-%
-Please don't put a strain on our friendship
-by asking me to do something for you.
-%
-Please don't recommend me to your friends--
-it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
-%
-PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
-
-Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
- emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
-%
-Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
-I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
-%
-Please go away.
-%
-Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
-%
-Please ignore previous fortune.
-%
-Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
-%
-Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
-%
-Please remain calm, it's no use both of
-us being hysterical at the same time.
-%
-Please stand for the National Anthem:
-
- Australian's all, let us rejoice,
- For we are young and free.
- We've golden soil and wealth for toil
- Our home is girt by sea.
- Our land abounds in nature's gifts
- Of beauty rich and rare.
- In history's page, let every stage
- Advance Australia Fair.
- In joyful strains then let us sing,
- Advance Australia Fair.
-
-Thank you. You may resume your seat.
-%
-Please stand for the National Anthem:
-
- God save our Gracious Queen!
- Long live our Noble Queen!
- God save the Queen!
- Send her victorious,
- Happy and glorious,
- Long to reign o'er us!
- God save the Queen!
-
-Thank you. You may resume your seat.
-%
-Please stand for the National Anthem:
-
- O Canada
- Our home and native land
- True patriot love
- In all thy sons' command
- With glowing hearts we see thee rise
- The true north strong and free
- From far and wide, O Canada
- We stand on guard for thee
- God keep our land glorious and free
- O Canada we stand on guard for thee
- O Canada we stand on guard for thee
-
-Thank you. You may resume your seat.
-%
-Please stand for the National Anthem:
-
- Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
- What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
- Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
- O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
- And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
- Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
- Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
- O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
-
-Thank you. You may resume your seat.
-%
-Please take note:
-%
-Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
-until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
-we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
- -- N. Meyrowitz
-%
-Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
-%
-PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
-solution set.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
-of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
-an uncontainable experience.
- -- R. S. Knapp
-%
-PLUG IT IN!!!
-%
-Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
-%
-Pohl's law:
- Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
-%
-Poisoned coffee, n.:
- Grounds for divorce.
-%
-Poland has gun control.
-%
-Police: Good evening, are you the host?
-Host: No.
-Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
-Host: About the drugs?
-Police: No.
-Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
-Police: No, the noise.
-Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
- or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
- background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
- The neighbors?
-Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
- complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
- ask the host to quiet things down?
-Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
- religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
- room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
- lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
- onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
- down.
-%
-Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
-teach children.
- -- W. H. Auden
-%
-Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
-here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
- -- Alfred E. Neuman
-%
-Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
-all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
-%
-Politician, n.:
- An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
- organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
- agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As
- compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of
- being alive.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Politician, n.:
- From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
- "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
- Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
- -- Martin Pitt
-%
-Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
-to build a bridge even where there is no river.
- -- Nikita Khrushchev
-%
-Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
- -- Arthur C. Clarke
-%
-Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
-been, and never will be wrong.
- -- Walter Dwight
-%
-Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
-funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
- -- Oscar Ameringer
-%
-Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
-without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
-for politics.
- -- Albert Camus
-%
-Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
-dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
-systematic organisation of hatreds.
- -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
-%
-Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
-enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
-%
-Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
-between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
- -- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
-realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
- -- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
-week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
-explain why it didn't happen.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-Politics, like religion, hold up the
-torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
- -- Amy Gorin
-%
-Politics, n.:
- A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
- The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
- The hyperactive child is never absent.
-%
-POLYGON:
- Dead parrot.
-%
-Polymer physicists are into chains.
-%
-Poorman's Rule:
- When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
- package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
- pull it open.
-%
-Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
-Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
-smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
-on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
-possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
-
- Half a pound of tuppenny rice
- Half a pound of treacle
- That's the way the chimney smokes
- Pope Goestheveezl
-
-The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
-streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
-functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
-Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Populus vult decipi.
-[The people like to be deceived.]
-%
-Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
- -- Risky Business
-%
-Portable, adj.:
- Survives system reboot.
-%
-POSITIVE:
- Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
-%
-Positive, adj.:
- Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
- -- Ryan
-%
-Post proelium, praemium.
-[After the battle, the reward.]
-%
-Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
-%
-Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
-
- SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
-left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
-populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
-him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
-line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
-
- FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
-fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
-unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
-with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
-with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
-diets that are driving them crazy.
-
- FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
-Except with sour cream.
-%
-Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
-
- THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
-McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
-to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
-behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
-
- A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
-rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
-of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
-general butter-melting by all.
-
- FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
-Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
-%
-Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
-%
-POVERTY:
- An unfortunate state that persists as long
- as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
-%
-Poverty begins at home.
-%
-Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
-poor people.
- -- Don Herold
-%
-Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
- -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
-%
-Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
-%
-Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
- -- Vint Cerf
-%
-Power is poison.
-%
-Power is the finest token of affection.
-%
-Power, like a desolating pestilence,
-Pollutes whate'er it touches...
- -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
-%
-Power, n.:
- The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
-%
-Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
- -- Lord Acton
-%
-PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
-%
-Practical people would be more practical if
-they would take a little more time for dreaming.
- -- J. P. McEvoy
-%
-Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
- -- Henry Adams
-%
-Practically perfect people never permit
-sentiment to muddle their thinking.
- -- Mary Poppins
-%
-Practice is the best of all instructors.
- -- Publilius
-%
-Practice yourself what you preach.
- -- Titus Maccius Plautus
-%
-PRAIRIES:
- Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
-%
-Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
- -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
-%
-Praise the sea; on shore remain.
- -- John Florio
-%
-Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
- -- Russian Proverb
-%
-Pray, v.:
- To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
- of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Predestination was doomed from the start.
-%
-Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
- -- Niels Bohr
-%
-Prejudice, n.:
- A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
- -- Donald E. Knuth
-%
-Preserve the old, but know the new.
-%
-Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
-%
-Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
-%
-President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
-pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
-%
-President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
-of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
- -- The Washington Post
-%
-Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
-%
-Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
- It's on the other side.
-%
-Price's Advice:
- It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
-%
-[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
-the working man, he loves to see him work.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
-largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
-For having it off with his Mater;
- Revenge Dad or not?
- That's the gist of the plot,
-And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
- -- Stanley J. Sharpless
-%
-Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
-taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
-all I know.
- -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
-%
-Priority:
- A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
- expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
- care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
- badly than someone else.
-%
-Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
- -- Blake
-%
-Prizes are for children.
- -- Charles Ives,
- upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
-%
-Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
-%
-Probable-Possible, my black hen,
-She lays eggs in the Relative When.
-She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
-Because she's unable to postulate How.
- -- Frederick Winsor
-%
-Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
-orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
-is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
- Teen Should Know"
-%
-PROBLEM DRINKER:
- A man who never buys.
-%
-Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
-And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
-for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
-I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
- -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
-%
-Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
- encryption standard and they came up with ...
-Student: EBCDIC!
-%
-Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
-%
-Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
-midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
-Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
-has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
-%
-PROGRAM:
- Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
- day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
- "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
- always justifies hiring at least three more people.
-%
-Program, n.:
- A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
- into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
- one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
-%
-Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
-without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
- -- Dennis M. Ritchie
-%
-Programming Department:
- Mistakes made while you wait.
-%
-Programming is an unnatural act.
-%
-Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
-build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
-to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- -- Rich Cook
-%
-PROGRESS:
- Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
- invading the body and taking possession of it.
-
- Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
- and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
-%
-Progress is impossible without change, and those who
-cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Progress means replacing a theory that
-is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
-%
-Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
- -- James Thurber
-%
-Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
-%
-Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
-%
-PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
- A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
- level where they can't foul up operations.
-%
-Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
-%
-Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
-
-This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
-techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
-
-SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
-
- We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
-for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
-as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
-trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
-take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
- QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
-%
-Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
- SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
-(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
-(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
-(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
- legs for a horse.
-(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
-(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
-
-Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
- Intimidation
- Gesticulation (handwaving)
- "Try it; it works"
- Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
- Blatant assertion
- Changing all the 2's to _\bn's
- Mutual consent
- Lack of a counterexample, and
- "It stands to reason"
-%
-Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
-but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
- -- Darrell Huff
-%
-Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
-
-BBW Branch Both Ways
-BEW Branch Either Way
-BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
-BH Branch and Hang
-BMR Branch Multiple Registers
-BOB Branch On Bug
-BPO Branch on Power Off
-BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
-CDS Condense and Destroy System
-CLBR Clobber Register
-CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
-CM Circulate Memory
-CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
-CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
-CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
-%
-Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
-
-DC Divide and Conquer
-DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
-DO Divide and Overflow
-EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
-EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
-EROS Erase Read Only Storage
-EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
-HCF Halt and Catch Fire
-IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
-INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
-PBC Print and Break Chain
-PDSK Punch Disk
-%
-Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
-
-PI Punch Invalid
-POPI Punch Operator Immediately
-PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
-RASC Read And Shred Card
-RPM Read Programmers Mind
-RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
-RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
-RWDSK Rewind Disk
-RWOC Read Writing On Card
-SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
-SLC Search for Lost Chord
-SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
-SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
-STROM Store in Read Only Memory
-TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
-WBT Water Binary Tree
-%
-Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Prototype designs always work.
- -- Don Vonada
-%
-prototype, n.
- First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
- pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
- upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
- prototype is not expected to work.
-%
-Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
-than the both put together.
-%
-Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
-where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
-%
-Prunes give you a run for your money.
-%
-Pryor's Observation:
- How long you live has nothing to do
- with how long you are going to be dead.
-%
-PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
-daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
-or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
-junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
- -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
-%
-Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
-three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
-%
-Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
-shortcomings.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
-%
-Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
-%
-Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
-a therapy.
- -- Karl Kraus
-
-Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
-
-Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
- -- Carl G. Jung
-%
-Psychologist, n.:
- Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
- into a room.
-%
-Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
-Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
-Biologists think they're biochemists.
-Biochemists think they're chemists.
-Chemists think they're physical chemists.
-Physical chemists think they're physicists.
-Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
-Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
-Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
-Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
-Philosophers think they're gods.
-%
-Psychology. Mind over matter.
-Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
-Never mind.
-%
-Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
-anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Public use of any portable music system is a
-virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
- -- Zoso
-%
-Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
-a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
-%
-Pudder's Law:
- Anything that begins well will end badly.
- (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
-%
-Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
-%
-Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
-to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
-to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
-cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
-fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
-lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
-the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
- -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
-%
-Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
-%
-PURGE COMPLETE.
-%
-PURITAN:
- Someone who is deathly afraid that
- someone, somewhere, is having fun.
-%
-Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
-%
-Purpitation, v.:
- To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
- don't want it, and then put it in another section.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
-%
-Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
-%
-Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
-Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
-Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
- -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
- of Texas.
-%
-Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
- -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
-%
-Put another password in,
-Bomb it out, then try again.
-Try to get past logging in,
-We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
-
-Try his first wife's maiden name,
-This is more than just a game.
-It's real fun, but just the same,
-It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
-%
-Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
-%
-Put no trust in cryptic comments.
-%
-Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
-%
-Put your best foot forward.
-Or just call in and say you're sick.
-%
-Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
-%
-Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
- -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
-%
-Put your trust in those who are worthy.
-%
-Putt's Law:
- Technology is dominated by two types of people:
- Those who understand what they do not manage.
- Those who manage what they do not understand.
-%
-Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
-%
-Q: Are we not men?
-A: We are Vaxen.
-%
-Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
-A: One per person.
-%
-Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
- abandoned? ...
-A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
- Perl.
- -- Rob Pike
-%
-Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
-A: He got re-possessed!
-%
-Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
-A: With three more bullets.
-%
-Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
- your wife?
-A: You have to wait 22 months.
-%
-Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
- in a hurricane?
-A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
-%
-Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
-A: When his lips move.
-%
-Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
-A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
-
-Q: But how did he get back down?
-A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
-%
-Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
-A: ^.*$
-%
-Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
-A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
-%
-Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
-A: Unique up on it!
-
-Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
-A: The tame way!
-%
-Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
-%
-Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
-A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
-%
-Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
-A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
-%
-Q: How do you make an elephant float?
-A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer...
-%
-Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
-A: Throw him a rock.
-%
-Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
-A: With a blue-elephant gun.
-
-Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
-A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
- a blue-elephant gun.
-%
-Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
-A: Take away his credit cards.
-%
-Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
- doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
-A: He changes the domain.
-%
-Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
-A: She asks them for a commitment.
-%
-Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
-A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
-%
-Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
- of license fee (binary only).
-%
-Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
- done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
-%
-Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
- experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
- lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
-
-Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
- those Californians trying to share the experience.
-%
-Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
-%
-Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
-A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
-
-Q: How long does it take?
-A: It's indeterminate.
- It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
-
-Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
-A: They replace your generator.
-%
-Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
-A: One more than you can find.
-%
-Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
-A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
-
-Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
-A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
-
-Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
-A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
-
-Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
-A: The door won't shut.
-
-Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
-A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
-%
-Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
- itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
- reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
- maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
-%
-Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A: None. We'll fix it in software.
-
-Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: None. The application can work around it.
-
-Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
-
-Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A: None. The user can figure it out.
-%
-Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
-%
-Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
-A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
-%
-Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
-A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
-%
-Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
- GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
- of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
- left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
- consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
-%
-Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
- light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
- to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
- reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
- the bulb in the first place.
-%
-Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
-%
-Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
- and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
- do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
- party of the second part shall be removed from the current
- position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
- upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
- illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
- through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
- primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
- any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
- the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement
- between the parties.
-
- The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
- be limited to, the following. The party of the first part
- shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
- chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
- the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second
- part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
- non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the
- second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the
- party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of
- the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all
- relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
-
- Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
- the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
- Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
- the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
- self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
- should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
- non-negotiable.
-
- The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
- the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized
- by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
- revenue for the Partnership.
-%
-Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
- you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
-%
-Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
-%
-Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: One and a half.
-%
-Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
-%
-Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
- to the earlier joke.
-%
-Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
- light bulb?
-A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
- the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
- Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
- that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
- around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
- that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
- the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
- from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
- Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
- beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
- killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
- As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
- Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
- warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
- and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
- just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
- given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
- and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
-%
-Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
- bulb?
-A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
- witness.
-%
-Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
- out from under him.
-%
-Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
- to really want to change.
-%
-Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven
- to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
-
- [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
- a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
- pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
-%
-Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
-A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
- with brightly colored machine tools.
-
- [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
-%
-Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
-A: One.
-%
-Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
- of the way.
-%
-Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
-A: 2 bits.
-%
-Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
-A: 9 edge down.
-%
-Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
- and putting wings on an elephant is?
-A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
-%
-Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
-A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
- bottles into the typewriter.
-%
-Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
- What should I do?
-A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
- believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
- be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
- No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
- somebody else has made the correction.
-
- And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
- the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
- to inform the whole net right away!
- -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
- on Netiquette"
-%
-Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
-A: .+
-%
-Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
-A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
-
-Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
- sunglasses?
-A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
-%
-Q: What did the regular expression match?
-A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
-%
-Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
-A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
- they go down on you.
-
-Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
-A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
-
-Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
- puzzle in only 6 months?
-A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
-%
-Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
-A: The very best person they can possibly be.
-%
-Q: What do monsters eat?
-A: Things.
-
-Q: What do monsters drink?
-A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
-%
-Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
-A: The impossible dream.
-%
-Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
-A: Rule the country.
-%
-Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
-A: The same middle name.
-%
-Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
-A: A dope ring.
-
-Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
-A: To cover up the valve stem.
-%
-Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
-A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
-
-Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
-A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
-%
-Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
-A: A stick.
-%
-Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
-A: An interpreter.
-
-Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
-A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
-
-Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
-A: A wind tunnel.
-%
-Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
-A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
-
- [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
- Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
-%
-Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
- eating fruit, and singing?
-A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
-%
-Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
-A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
-%
-Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
-A: A good start.
-%
-Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
- is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
-A: A deep C diva.
-%
-Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
-A: A Christian Science Monitor.
-%
-Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
- lawyer, and believes in social causes?
-A: A failure.
-%
-Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
- you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
-A: A howdah duty.
-%
-Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
- sheep bites you?
-A: Ewe nicks.
-%
-Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
- standard?
-A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
-%
-Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
-A: An offer you can't understand.
-%
-Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
-A: Hot cross bunnies!
-%
-Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
-A: Not enough sand.
-%
-Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
-A: She goes home.
-
-Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
-A: To keep her neck warm.
-
-Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
-A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
-%
-Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
-A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
- a delicious dessert.
-%
-Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
-A: Open other end.
-%
-Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
-A: Exploding sheep.
-%
-Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
-A: A dinner party.
-%
-Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
-A: Moby Pickle.
-%
-Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
-A: Feet.
-%
-Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
-A: A ball point carrot.
-%
-Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
-A: Open other end.
-%
-Q: What is purple and commutes?
-A: A boolean grape.
-%
-Q: What is purple and commutes?
-A: An Abelian grape.
-%
-Q: What is purple and concord the world?
-A: Alexander the Grape.
-%
-Q: What is the difference between a duck?
-A: One leg is both the same.
-%
-Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
-A: Yogurt has culture.
-%
-Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
-A: Her bowling shoes.
-%
-Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
-A: I think I'm drunk.
-
-Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
-A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
-
-Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
-A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
-%
-Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
-A: Mu.
-%
-Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
-A: A nervous wreck.
-%
-Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
- plays like a monkey?
-A: Nothing.
-%
-Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
-A: [^L]
-%
-Q: What's a light-year?
-A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
-%
-Q: What's black and white and red all over?
-A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
-%
-Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
-A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
-%
-Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
-A: A Doberman.
-%
-Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
-A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
- I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
-
-Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
-A: Artificial intelligence.
-
-Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
-A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
-%
-Q: What's the capital of Canada?
-A: American.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
- lawyer in the road?
-A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
-A: You can't get down off an elephant.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
-A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
-A: The moustache.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
-A: One more drunk.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
-A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
-A: Yogurt has a living, active culture.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
-A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
-%
-Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
-A: The Titanic had a band.
-%
-Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
-A: A canary with the super-user password.
-%
-Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
-A: Zorn's Lemon.
-%
-Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
-A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
-
-Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
-A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
-%
-Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
-A: Lawn Boy.
-%
-Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
-A: Because they're worth it!
-%
-Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
-A: Because he was hungry.
-%
-Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
-A: To see what was on the other side.
-
-Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
-A: More head room.
-
-Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
-A: She opens the car door.
-%
-Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
-A: He was giving it last rites.
-%
-Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
-A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
-
-Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
-A: To get to the other slide.
-%
-Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
-A: To get to the other slide.
-%
-Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
-A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means.
-%
-Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
-A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
-%
-Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
-A: Because that was her name.
-%
-Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
-A: Because it was on the other side.
-%
-Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
-A: To get to the middle.
-%
-Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
-A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
-%
-Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
-A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
-%
-Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
-A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
- Oh, right, *of course*!
-%
-Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
-A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
- an eye on the two intellectuals.
-%
-Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
- New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
-A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
-%
-Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
-A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
-
-Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
-A: To keep their ankles warm.
-
-Q: How do you kill a blonde?
-A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
-%
-Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
-A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
-%
-Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
-A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
- it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
- visiting, they always take three.
-%
-Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
-A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
- gets all the credit.
-%
-Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
- function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
-A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
-%
-Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
-A: It takes too long to retrain them.
-
-Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
-A: All the blondes have gone home!
-
-Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
-A: There's white-out on the screen.
-%
-Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
- soup in a plate?
-A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
-%
-Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
-A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
-%
-QED.
-%
-QOTD:
- "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
-%
-QOTD:
- "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
- an emergency on my part."
-%
-QOTD:
- "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
-%
-QOTD:
- "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get."
-%
-QOTD:
- "All I want is more than my fair share."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Dead people are good at running because they don't
- have to stop and breathe."
- -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
-%
-QOTD:
- "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
-%
-QOTD:
- "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
- I go to work."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
- too late to punish."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
- save the earth!"
-%
-QOTD:
- "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Her other car is a broom."
-%
-QOTD:
- "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
- her to cook."
-%
-QOTD:
- "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
-%
-QOTD:
- "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
-%
-QOTD:
- "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
-other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
- then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'"
- -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
-%
-QOTD:
- "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
-%
-QOTD:
- "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
-%
-QOTD:
- "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
- ball in their court."
- -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
-%
-QOTD:
- "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
- didn't work."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
- horse with one of the horns broken off."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
-%
-QOTD:
- "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
- it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
- the lost."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
- -- Kathy Ireland
-%
-QOTD:
- "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
- dog for dinner."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
- golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
-%
-QOTD:
- "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
-%
-QOTD:
- "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
-%
-QOTD:
- "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
-%
-QOTD:
- "If it's too loud, you're too old."
-%
-QOTD:
- "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
-%
-QOTD:
- "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'"
-%
-QOTD:
- I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
-
- [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
-%
-QOTD:
- "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
-%
-QOTD:
- "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
- stations anymore."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
- hands in his own pockets."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It's been Monday all week today."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
- the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
-%
-QOTD:
- "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
- them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
- strike. To make less money."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
- all of my stuff."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one."
-%
-QOTD:
- "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
- trivial."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
-%
-QOTD:
- "Let's do it."
- -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
-%
-QOTD:
- "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
- mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
- on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn."
- -- Goodstein, States of Matter
-%
-QOTD:
- "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch."
-%
-QOTD:
- "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
- her husband work."
-%
-QOTD:
- "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
-%
-QOTD:
- "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips."
-%
-QOTD:
- "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
- a fake?"
-%
-QOTD:
- "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
-%
-QOTD:
- "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Our parents were never our age."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
- shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
-%
-QOTD:
- "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
-%
-QOTD:
- "She's about as smart as bait."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Silence is the only virtue he has left."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
- I do what I get paid to do."
-%
-QOTD:
- "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
- neck to get the dog to play with it."
-%
-QOTD:
- "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
-%
-QOTD:
- "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
- the snakes have gone away."
-%
-QOTD:
- "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
- gerbil has more dark meat."
-%
-QOTD:
- "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
-%
-QOTD:
- "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
- left."
-%
-QOTD:
- "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
-%
-QOTD:
- "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
-%
-QOTD:
- "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
- think he was broken!"
-%
-QOTD:
- "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
- when I mess things up."
-%
-QOTD:
- "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
- "baring your neck."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
-%
-QOTD:
- "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
-%
-QOTD:
- "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
- Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..."
-%
-QOTD:
- "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
- How... tribal."
-%
-QOTD:
- "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
-%
-Quack!
- Quack!! Quack!!
-%
-Quality control:
- Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
- and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
-%
-Quality Control, n.:
- The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
-a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
-%
-Quantity is no substitute for quality,
-but its the only one we've got.
-%
-Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
- -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
-%
-Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
-%
-QUARK:
- The sound made by a well bred duck.
-%
-Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
-%
-question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-QUESTION AUTHORITY.
-
-(Sez who?)
-%
-Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
-they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
-%
-Questionable day.
-Ask somebody something.
-%
-Question:
-Man Invented Alcohol,
-God Invented Grass.
-Who do you trust?
-%
-Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
-%
-Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
-%
-Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
-
-(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
-%
-Quigley's Law:
- Whoever has any authority over you,
- no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
-%
-Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
- -- Robert Orben
-%
-Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
-After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
-%
-QUOTE OF THE DAY:
-
- `
-
-%
-Qvid me anxivs svm?
-%
-Radicalism:
- The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
-READY
->_
-%
-Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
-%
-Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-rain falls where clouds come
-sun shines where clouds go
-clouds just come and go
- -- Florian Gutzwiller
-%
-Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
-%
-Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
-%
-Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
-%
-Ralph's Observation:
-It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
-realise that you are in a hurry.
-%
-RAM wasn't built in a day.
-%
-Random, n.:
- as in number, predictable.
- as in memory access, unpredictable.
-%
-Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
-%
-Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
- -- Errol Flynn
-%
-Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
-
-Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
-Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
-Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
-Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
-Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
-Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
- or so pencils from marking the cloth?
-Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
-Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
-Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
-Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
-
-0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
-3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
-6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
-8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
-11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
-%
-Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
-saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
-magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
-bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
-secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
-when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
-insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
-before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
-A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
-engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
- -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
-%
-Ray's Rule of Precision:
- Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
-%
-Razors pain you;
-Rivers are damp;
-Acids stain you;
-And drugs cause cramp.
-Guns aren't lawful;
-Nooses give;
-Gas smells awful;
-You might as well live.
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
-%
-Re: Graphics:
- A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
- the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
- described with pictures.
-%
-Reach into the thoughts of friends,
-And find they do not know your name.
-Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
-And watch the feathers burst the seams.
-Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
-And feel its chill upon your blood.
-Hold a candle to the night,
-And see the darkness bend the flame.
-Tear the mask of peace from God,
-And hear the roar of souls in hell.
-Pluck a rose in name of love,
-And watch the petals curl and wilt.
-Lean upon the western wind,
-And know you are alone.
- -- Dru Mims
-%
-Reactor error - core dumped!
-%
-Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
-Congress. But I repeat myself.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
-%
-Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
-%
-Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
-value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
-much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
-this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
-%
-Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
-limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
-so poor at I/O.
-%
-Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
-so long they can't afford the disk space.
-%
-Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
-in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
-%
-Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
-`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
-(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
-%
-Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
-could they read their mail?
-%
-Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
-future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
-will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
-%
-Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
-programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
-clear desks.
-%
-Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
-doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
-quiche.
-%
-Real programmers don't document; if it was
-hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
-%
-Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
-illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
-good it did them.
-%
-Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
-you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
-wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
-spring up in the middle of the machine room.
-%
-Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
-in BASIC after reaching puberty.
-%
-Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
-freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
-wear white socks.
-%
-Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
-programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
-%
-Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
-%
-Real programs don't eat cache.
-%
-Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
-use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
-%
-Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
-This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
-computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
-%
-Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
-greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
-moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
-systems could be virtual at *_\ba_\bl_\bl* levels. They would like personal
-computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
-DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
-Correctness Verification Aid packages.
-%
-Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
-job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
-using an undocumented external procedure.
-%
-Real Time, adj.:
- Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
- and then.
-%
-Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
-afraid to break your face.
-%
-Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
-down the system for days.
-%
-Real Users hate Real Programmers.
-%
-Real Users know your home telephone number.
-%
-Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
-program doesn't deliver it.
-%
-Real Users never use the Help key.
-%
-Real wealth can only increase.
- -- R. Buckminster Fuller
-%
-Real World, The n.:
- 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
-be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
-programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
-to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
-tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.
-4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
-"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
-pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
-of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
-deceased person.
-%
-Reality -- what a concept!
- -- Robin Williams
-%
-Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
-%
-Reality does not exist - yet.
-%
-Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
-%
-Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
- -- Patrick Sky
-%
-Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Reality is for people who lack imagination.
-%
-Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
- -- Alvy Ray Smith
-%
-Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
-%
-Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
-away.
- -- Philip K. Dick
-%
-Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
-cannot be fooled.
- -- R. P. Feynman
-%
-Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
-%
-Reappraisal, n.:
- An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
-%
-Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
-being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
- -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
-%
-Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
-%
-Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
-is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
- -- C. N. Parkinson
-%
-Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
-his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
-"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
-microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
-bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
-Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
-Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
-"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
- -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
-%
-Reception area, n.:
- The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
- innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
- magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
- while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
- Cosmopolitan.
-%
-Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
-lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
-but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
-Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
-%
-Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
- (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
- (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
- Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
- (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
- mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
- (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
- (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
- Qualactin Hypermint extract.
- (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
- (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
- (8) Add an olive.
- (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
- -- Douglas Adams
-%
-Reclaimer, spare that tree!
-Take not a single bit!
-It used to point to me,
-Now I'm protecting it.
-It was the reader's CONS
-That made it, paired by dot;
-Now, GC, for the nonce,
-Thou shalt reclaim it not.
-%
-Recursion is the root of computation
-since it trades description for time.
-%
-Recursion: n. See Recursion.
- -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
-%
-Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
-administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
-%
-Regnant populi.
-%
-Regression analysis:
- Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
- getting worse.
-%
-Reichel's Law:
- A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
- an outside force.
-%
-Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
- -- Thomas Berger
-%
-Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
- If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
-%
-Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
-knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
- -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
-%
-...relaxed in the manner of a man who
-has no need to put up a front of any kind.
- -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
-%
-Reliable source, n.:
- The guy you just met.
-%
-Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
- -- Anatole France
-%
-Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
-%
-Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
- -- Napoleon
-%
-Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
-%
-Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
-extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
- -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
- Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
-%
-Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
-it.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
-%
-Remember Darwin; building a better
-mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
-%
-Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
-with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
-deserts.
- -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
-%
-Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
-offense!
-%
-Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
-%
-Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
- -- Jim Samuels
-%
-Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
-have an established user base.
-%
-Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
-the first one.
- -- Confusion
-%
-Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
-*not* the U.S. Army doing it!
- -- "Good Morning, Vietnam"
-%
-Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
-that you're the one holding it.
- -- Mr. Greenfatigues
-%
-Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
- -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
- "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
- Across The Eighth Dimension"
-%
-Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
- -- Dave Butler
-%
-Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
-you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
- -- Hans Liepmann
-%
-Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
-worse in Cleveland.
- -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
-%
-Remember the... the... uhh.....
-%
-Remember thee
-Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
-In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
-Yea, from the table of my memory
-I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
-All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
-That youth and observation copied there.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
-%
-Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
-%
-Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
- -- Mt.
-%
-Remember: use logout to logout.
-%
-Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-Remove me from this land of slaves,
-Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
-Where every knave and fool is bought,
-Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
- -- Jonathan Swift
-%
-Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
-does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
-%
-Renning's Maxim:
- Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
-%
-Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
- -- Indiana University football cheer
-%
-Reply hazy, ask again later.
-%
-Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
-Yogi Berra: "Closed."
-%
-Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
-Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
-%
-Reporter, n.:
- A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
- tempest of words.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
-
-SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
-the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
-carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
-I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
-of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
-do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
-ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
-need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
-career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
-that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
-can't help it.
- -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
-%
-Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
- Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
-Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
-%
-Reputation, adj.:
- What others are not thinking about you.
-%
-Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
-you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
-so you're still a valiant nerd.
-%
-Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
-and think what nobody else has thought.
-%
-Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
- -- Wernher von Braun
-%
-Research, n.:
- Consider Columbus:
- He didn't know where he was going.
- When he got there he didn't know where he was.
- When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
- And he did it all on someone else's money.
-%
-Resisting temptation is easier when you
-think you'll probably get another chance later on.
-%
-Responsibility:
- Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
-a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
-goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
-is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
- -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
-%
-Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
-actually have a shot at it.
-%
-Reunite Gondwanaland!
-%
-Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
-Bobby: Slow down.
-Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
-Bobby: Slow down.
-Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
-%
-Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
-%
-Revenge is a meal best served cold.
-%
-Review Questions
-
-1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
- and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
- he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
- Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
-
-2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
- twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
- every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
- his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
-
-3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
- the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
- a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
- Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
-%
-Revolution, n.:
- A form of government abroad.
-%
-Revolution, n.:
- In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Revolutionary, adj.:
- Repackaged.
-%
-Rhode's Law:
- When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
- or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
- circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
- estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
- of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
- personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
- above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
- adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
- and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
- assume otherwise, maybe.
-%
-Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
-should be happier than others.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
-He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
-lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
-world.
- -- Barry Goldwater
-%
-Riches cover a multitude of woes.
- -- Menander
-%
-Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
-Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
- going on here."
-Croupier (handing money to Renault):
- "Your winnings, sir."
-Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
- -- "Casablanca" (1942)
-%
-Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
-Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
-%
-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
-machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
-rights, which they use or do not use.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Ring around the collar.
-%
-Ritchie's Rule:
- (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
- (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
- (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
-%
-Robot, n.:
- Someone who's been made by a scientist.
-%
-Robot, n.:
- University administrator.
-%
-Robustness, adj.:
- Never having to say you're sorry.
-%
-Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
- Unless the results are known in advance,
- funding agencies will reject the proposal.
-%
-Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
-become necessary.
- -- Edgar Friedenberg
-%
-Rome was not built in one day.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
-%
-ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
-MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
- door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
-%
-Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
-He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
-Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
-Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
- -- Elvis Costello
-%
-Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
- -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
- Pogo"
-%
-Roses are red;
- Violets are blue.
-I'm schizophrenic,
- And so am I.
-%
-Rotten wood cannot be carved.
- -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
-%
-Round Numbers are always false.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
-%
-Rubber bands have snappy endings!
-%
-Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
-Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
-%
-Rudd's Discovery:
- You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
- $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
- stay in Washington and make it there.
-%
-Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
-%
-Rudin's Law:
- If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
- do it every time.
-
-Rudin's Second Law:
- In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
- courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
- course.
-%
-Rugby, n.:
- Elegant violence.
-
- (Rugby players eat their dead.)
- (Blood makes the grass grow!)
- (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
-
- [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
-%
-RUGGED:
- Too heavy to lift.
-%
-Rule #1:
- The Boss is always right.
-
-Rule #2:
- If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
-%
-Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
- Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
-be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
-shall be deemed to be a cat.
-%
-Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
- Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
-not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
-sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
-regain their composure.
-%
-Rule of Creative Research:
- 1) Never draw what you can copy.
- 2) Never copy what you can trace.
- 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
-%
-Rule of Defactualization:
- Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
-%
-Rule of Feline Frustration:
- When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
- content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
- bathroom.
-%
-Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
-%
-Rule of the Great:
- When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
- thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
-%
-Rule the Empire through force.
- -- Shogun Tokugawa
-%
-Rules:
- (1) The boss is always right.
- (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
-%
-Rules for Academic Deans:
- (1) HIDE!!!!
- (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
- -- Father Damian C. Fandal
-%
-Rules for driving in New York:
- 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
- 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
- 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
- intersection.
-%
-Rules for Good Grammar #4.
- 1: Don't use no double negatives.
- 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
- 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
- 4: About them sentence fragments.
- 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
- 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
- 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
- 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
- 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
-10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
-11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
-12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
-13: Correct speling is essential.
-14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
-15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
- careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
- become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
-%
-Rules for Writers:
- Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
-negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
-and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
-omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
-unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
-a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
-Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
-Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
-us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
-snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
-told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
-avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
-phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
-death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
-%
-RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
- (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
- (2) Never leave the table hungry.
- (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
- (4) Enjoy your food.
- (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
- (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
- accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
- (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
- for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
- brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
- (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
- (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
- can always eat it later.
- (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
- (11) Avoid blue food.
- -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
-%
-Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-Rune's Rule:
- If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
-%
-Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
- -- John Cameron Swayze
-%
-Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
-he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
- -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
- from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
- Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
-%
-Ryan's Law:
- Make three correct guesses consecutively
- and you will establish yourself as an expert.
-%
-RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
-RY RY
-RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
-RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
-RY RY
-RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
-RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
-RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
-RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
-RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
-RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
-RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
-RY RY
-RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
-.
-.
-SYSTEM READY.
-?
- -- Chris Suslowicz
-%
-Sacher's Observation:
- Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
-%
-Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
-%
-SADISM:
- A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
-%
-Sadoequinecrophilia, n.:
- Beating a dead horse.
-%
-Safety Third.
-%
-Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
- Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
-
- 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
- bugs, ants.
- 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
- 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
- 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
- 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
- 6. People ignore you at parties.
- 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
- 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
-%
-SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
-
- In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
-Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
-to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
-space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
-violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
-turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
-center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
- You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
- tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
- of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
- laugh at you a great deal.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
- Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
- ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
- obnoxious self. Call your mother.
-%
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
- Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
- backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
- impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
-%
-Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
-got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
-the ashtray."
-%
-Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
- -- Heard on Noah's ark
-%
-Sailors in ships, sail on!
-Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
-%
-Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
- -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
-%
-Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
-in small amounts over a long period of time.
- -- George Carlin
-%
-Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
- with me.
-Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
- to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
- letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
- sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
-Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
-Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
- uncharted waters here.
- -- Sally Forth
-%
-Sam: What's going on, Normie?
-Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
- it, and I'll blow out my liver.
- -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
-Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
- Found him every couple of blocks.
- -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
-%
-Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
-Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
- -- Cheers, Loverboyd
-
-Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
-Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
- -- Cheers, Loverboyd
-
-Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
- -- Cheers, Loverboyd
-%
-Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
-Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
-Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
-Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
-Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
- -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
-
-Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
-Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
- -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
-
-Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
- -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
-%
-Sam: What do you say, Norm?
-Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
- -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
-
-Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
-Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
- -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
-
-Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
-All: Norm! (Norman.)
-Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
-Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
- -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
-%
-Sam: What's new, Norm?
-Norm: Most of my wife.
- -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
-
-Coach: Beer, Norm?
-Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
- -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
-
-Coach: What's doing, Norm?
-Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
- to be the guinea pig.
- -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
-%
-SAN DIEGO:
- Four million people, where you can't get a
- good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
-%
-San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
-people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
-they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
-One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
- -- George Halas, professional football coach
-%
-San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
- -- Herb Caen
-%
-San Francisco, n.:
- Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
-%
-Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
-%
-Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
- -- Mark Harrold
-%
-Sank heaven for leetle curls.
-%
-Santa Claus is watching!
-%
-Santa Claus wears a red suit
-He's a Communist.
-
-He has long hair and a beard
-Must be a pacifist.
-
-And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
-
-Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
-He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
-
-Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
- -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
-%
-Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
-%
-Satellite Safety Tip #14:
- If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
-%
-Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
-%
-Satire is tragedy plus time.
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Satire is what closes in New Haven.
-%
-Satire is what closes Saturday night.
- -- George Kaufman
-%
-Sattinger's Law:
- It works better if you plug it in.
-%
-Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
-Is like being nowhere at all,
-All through the day how the hours rush by,
-You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
- -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
-%
-Satyrs have more faun.
-%
-Sauron is alive in Argentina!
-%
-Savage's Law of Expediency:
- You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
-%
-Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
-surprised at how little you have.
- -- Ernest Haskins
-%
-Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
- -- Jason Zions
-%
-Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
-%
-Save energy: be apathetic.
-%
-Save gas, don't eat beans.
-%
-Save gas, don't use the shell.
-%
-Save the bales!
-%
-Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
-%
-Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
-%
-Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
-%
-Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
-Bust in business, lost your wife;
-No one cares a cent about you,
-You don't care a cent for life;
-Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
-Health is failing, wish you'd die--
-Why, you've still the sunshine left you
-And the big blue sky.
- -- R. W. Service
-%
-Say it with flowers,
-Or say it with mink,
-But whatever you do,
-Don't say it with ink!
- -- Jimmie Durante
-%
-Say many of cameras focused t'us,
-Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
-No justice, please, curse ye!
-We really want mercy:
-You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
- -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
-%
-Say my love is easy had,
-Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
-Say I am too often sad --
-Still behold me at your side.
-
-Say I'm neither brave nor young,
-Say I woo and coddle care,
-Say the devil touched my tongue,
-Still you have my heart to wear.
-
-But say my verses do not scan,
-And I get me another man!
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
-%
-Say no, then negotiate.
- -- Helga
-%
-Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
-%
-Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
-%
-SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
- -- Ken Thompson
-%
-SCENARIO:
- An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
- which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
- sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
-%
-Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
-%
-Scene:
- A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
-room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
-white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
-filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
-shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
-intently watching him.
-
-Caption:
- I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
-%
-Schapiro's Explanation:
- The grass is always greener on the other side --
- but that's because they use more manure.
-%
-Schizophrenia beats being alone.
-%
-Schlattwhapper, n.:
- The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
- hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Schmidt's Observation:
- All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
- than a thin person.
-%
-Schwiggle, n.:
- The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
- pencil.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Science and religion are in full accord but
-science and faith are in complete discord.
-%
-Science Fiction, Double Feature.
-Frank has built and lost his creature.
-Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
-The servants gone to a distant planet.
-Wo, oh, oh, oh.
-At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
-I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
-To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
- -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
-%
-Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
-collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
-is a house.
- -- Jules Henri Poincar'\be
-%
-Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
-of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
-is not necessarily science.
- -- Jules Henri Poincar'\be
-%
-Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
-out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
- -- Richard Feynman
-%
-Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
-%
-Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
-%
-Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
-%
-Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
-Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
-Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
-Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
-How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
-Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
-To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
-Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
-Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
-And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
-To seek a shelter in some happier star?
-Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
-The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
-The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
- -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
-%
-Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
- -- William F. Buckley
-
-%
-Scientists still know less about what attracts men
-than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
- -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
- "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
-%
-Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
-They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
-was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
-linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
-started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
-was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
-struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
-together. "There is now", came the reply.
-%
-Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
-Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
-Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
-Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
-Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
-Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
-%
-Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
- You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
- the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
- Scorpio people are murdered.
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
- Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
- for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
- to throw up. Knock it off.
-%
-SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
- You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
- dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
- subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
- to win. You never learn.
-%
-Scott's first Law:
- No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
-%
-Scott's second Law:
- When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
-to have been wrong in the first place.
-
-Corollary:
- After the correction has been found in error, it will be
-impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
-%
-Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
-Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
-Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
-Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
-Spock: Affirmative.
-Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
-Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
-%
-Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
-%
-Scribline, n.:
- The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's
- signature goes.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
-Presidency.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
- -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
-%
-Sears has everything.
-%
-Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
-%
-Second Law of Business Meetings:
- If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
- will pick the wrong one.
-
-Corollary:
- If there is only one way to spell a name,
- you will spell it wrong, anyway.
-%
-Second Law of Final Exams:
- In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
- distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
-%
-Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
-%
-Secretary's Revenge:
- Filing almost everything under "the".
-%
-Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
- In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
-multiline message byte.
- In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
-must be sent passive true.
- The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
- (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
- (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
- (a) The LADS is active
- (b) Nor LACS is active
-
- -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
- Programmable Instrumentation
-%
-Security check: \a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
-%
-Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
-[Who guards the Guardians?]
-%
-Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
-She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
-Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
-Silently scheming,
-Sightlessly seeking
-Some savage, spectacular suicide.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
-%
-See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
-the second one should have seen it.
-%
-Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
-was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
-who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
-himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
-asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
- "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
-far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
-%
-Seeing is believing.
-You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
-%
-Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
- -- James Thurber
-%
-Seeing that death, a necessary end,
-Will come when it will come.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
-%
-Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
- -- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
-Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
-driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
-mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
-luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
-rocks. They all got out of the car:
- The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
- The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
-into town and have a specialist look at it."
- The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
-in and see if it does it again."
-%
-Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
-counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
-you?".
- The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
- "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
-you like me to put it on your bill?"
- Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
-%
-Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
-to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
-the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
-During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
-work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
-dreams!"
- A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
-Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
-completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
-other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
-are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
-"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
- "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
-like when God was working it alone!"
-%
-Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
-and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
-register.
- "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
- "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
- "GRIZZLIES?!?!"
- "A few."
- "Got any bear bells?"
- "What's that?"
- "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
-bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
-bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
-country, anyhow?"
- "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat."
- "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?"
- "Bear bells."
-%
-Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
-Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
-
-In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
-In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
-In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
-In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
-%
-Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
-doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
-that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
-months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
-Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
-and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
-He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
-up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
- The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
- "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
-a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
-out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
-When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
-some new underwear.
- The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
- "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
-salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
-that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
- Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
-you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
-%
-Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
-Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
-%
-Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
- Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
-%
-Self Test for Paranoia:
- You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
- your own fault.
-%
-Seminars, n.:
- From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
-%
-semper en excretus
-%
-SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
-%
-Senate, n.:
- A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
- misdemeanors.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Send some filthy mail.
-%
-Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
- -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
-%
-SENILITY:
- The state of mind of elderly persons
- with whom one happens to disagree.
-%
-Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
-little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
-In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
- -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
-%
-Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
-%
-Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
- -- Graham Greene
-%
-SERENDIPITY:
- The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
-%
-Serenity through viciousness.
-%
-Serfs up!
- -- Spartacus
-%
-Serocki's Stricture:
- Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
-%
-Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
-%
-Set the cart before the horse.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
-swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
-there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
-retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
-some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
-fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
-loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
-guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
-anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
-%
-Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
-big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
-reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
-build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
-like crabgrass all over the United States.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
-Is all my brain and body need.
-Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
-Are very good indeed.
-
-Take your silly ways,
-Throw them out the window,
-The wisdom of your ways,
-I've been there and I know,
-Lots of other ways...
- -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
-%
-Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
-%
-Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
- -- Lewis Grizzard
-%
-Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
-%
-Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
-if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
- -- Ian Dury
-%
-Sex is an emotion in motion.
- -- Mae West
-%
-Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
-for diet Coke.
- -- Malcolm MacDougall
-%
-Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
- -- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
-it's still darn tasty!
-%
-Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
-unimportant.
- -- Henry Miller
-%
-Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
- -- M. C. Reed
-%
-Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
-most amount of trouble.
- -- John Barrymore
-%
-Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
-repeated until infinity.
- -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
- Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
- 1973.
-%
-Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
-as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
-how children do not come into the world.
- -- Karl Kraus
-%
-Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
-%
-Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
-always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
- -- J. M. Barrie
-%
-Shame is an improper emotion invented by
-pietists to oppress the human race.
- -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
-%
-Shannon's Observation
- Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
- that is beginning to improve.
-%
-Share, n.:
- To give in, endure humiliation.
-%
-Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
-during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
- Teen Should Know"
-%
-Shaw's Principle:
- Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
- want to use it.
-%
-She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
-good.
- -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
-%
-She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
-containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
-for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
-the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
-
-In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
-not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
-worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
- -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
-%
-She asked me, "What's your sign?"
-I blinked and answered "Neon,"
-I thought I'd blow her mind...
-%
-She been married so many times
-she got rice marks all over her face.
- -- Tom Waits
-%
-She blinded me with science!
-%
-She can kill all your files;
-She can freeze with a frown.
-And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
-And she works on her code until ten after three.
-She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
- -- Apologies to Billy Joel
-%
-She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
- -- Tommy Manville
-%
-She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
-%
-She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
- -- Gypsy Rose Lee
-%
-She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
-years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
-left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
- -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
- involvement in "The Avengers".
-%
-She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
-were bad.
-%
-She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
-a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
-%
-She often gave herself very good advice
-(though she very seldom followed it).
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
-She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B".
- -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
-%
-She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
-Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
-women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
- -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
-%
-She sells cshs by the cshore.
-%
-She stood on the tracks
-Waving her arms
-Leading me to that third rail shock
-Quick as a wink
-She changed her mind
-
-She gave me a night
-That's all it was
-What will it take until I stop
-Kidding myself
-Wasting my time
-
-There's nothing else I can do
-'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
-I don't want anyone new
-'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
-There's nothing in it for you
-'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
- -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
-%
-She was bred in ol' Kentucky
-But she's just a crumb up here
-She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
-With a cauliflower ear
-Someday we will be married
-And if vegetables become too dear
-I'll just cut me a slice of
-Her cauliflower ear!
- -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
-%
-She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
-good at being short.
- -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
-%
-She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
-%
-She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
-%
-She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
-%
-Shedenhelm's Law:
- All trails have more uphill sections
- than they have downhill sections.
-%
-"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
-%
-Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
-turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
-bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
-night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
-aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
- -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
- bad fiction contest.
-%
-Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
-him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
-of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-She's genuinely bogus.
-%
-She's learned to say things with her eyes
-that others waste time putting into words.
-%
-She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
-%
-She's such a kinky girl,
-The kind you don't take home to mother.
-She will never let your spirits down
-Once you get her off the street.
-%
-She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
- -- Mae West
-%
-Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
-%
-Shick's Law:
- There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
-%
-Shift to the left,
-Shift to the right,
-Mask in, mask out,
-BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
-%
-SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
-SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
-POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
-BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
-%
-Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
-%
-Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
-in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
-laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
-of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
-comments:
-
- "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
- "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
- "A man for all seasons. Really..."
-
-After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
-it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
-body join her long dead brain.
-%
-Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
-they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
- -- Terry Southern
-%
-Short people get rained on last.
-%
-Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
- -- Martin Mull
-%
-Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
-Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
- -- Leo Durocher
-%
-Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
-playing golf with his boss.
-%
-Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
-%
-Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
-%
-Showing up is 80% of life.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
-[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
- -- Henri Estienne
-%
-Sic transit gloria Monday!
-%
-Sic transit gloria mundi.
-[So passes away the glory of this world.]
- -- Thomas a Kempis
-%
-Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
-%
-Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
-%
-Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
-%
-Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
-%
-Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
- -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
-%
-Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
-up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
-raise bloody hell.
- -- Herbert Block
-%
-Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
- -- Thomas Carlyle
-%
-Silence is the only virtue you have left.
-%
-sillema sillema nika su
-[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
-%
-Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
-%
-Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
-a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
-carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
-the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
-of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
-intersection in town. BUT!
-
-Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
-BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
-
-Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
-She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
-(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
-And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
-
-Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
-BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
-%
-Silverman's Law:
- If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
-%
-Simon's Law:
- Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
-%
-Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
-%
-Simulated fortune:
-
- The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
- character of this point is therefore another method for the
- letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
- unexpected.
-
- -- by Claude E. Shannon
-%
-Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
- -- Hubert Kirrman
-%
-Sin boldly.
- -- Martin Luther
-%
-Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
-%
-Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
-All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
-(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
-when others believe him.
- -- Charles DeGaulle
-%
-Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
-%
-Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
-cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
-this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
-%
-Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
-having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
-burst out in laughter.
- -- Long Chen Pa
-%
-Since I hurt my pendulum
-My life is all erratic.
-My parrot who was cordial
-Is now transmitting static.
-The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
-The cat keeps doing poo.
-The only thing that keeps me sane
-Is talking to my shoe.
- -- My Shoe
-%
-Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
- -- Tom Stoppard
-%
-Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
-alive.
- -- John Sloan
-%
-Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
- -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
-%
-Sink or Swim with Teddy!
-%
-Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
-%
-Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
- -- C-3PO
-%
-[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
-I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
-Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
-loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
-
-God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
-the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
-It'll cost you though".
-
-"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
-the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
-
-"An arm and a leg", said God.
-
-Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
-for a rib?"
-%
-Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
-objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
-gives us modern art.
- -- Tom Stoppard
-%
-Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
- That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
- or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
- should have gotten.
-%
-skldfjkl\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
-h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui\a135 2
-kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
- [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
- sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
-
-
-Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
-%
-Slang is language that takes off its coat,
-spits on its hands, and goes to work.
-%
-Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
-a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
-songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
-those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
-beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
-breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
-anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
-for deliverance from chains.
- -- Frederick Douglass
-%
-Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
-%
-Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
- 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
- 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
- 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
- attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
- attracted to dark objects.
-%
-Slous' Contention:
- If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
-%
-Slow day.
-Practice crawling.
-%
-Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
-%
-Slurm, n.:
- The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
- it sits in the dish too long.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
-%
-Small is beautiful.
- -- Schumacher's Dictum
-%
-Small things make base men proud.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
-teacher was in my class for five years.
- -- George Burns
-%
-Smear the road with a runner!!
-%
-Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
-%
-Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
-%
-Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
- -- Fran Lebowitz
-%
-SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
- Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
- U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
- describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
- the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
- filed 30 days in advance.
-%
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- -- Fletcher Knebel
-%
-Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
-%
-Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
- -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
-%
-Snacktrek, n.:
- The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
- returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
- have materialized.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
-%
-SNAPPY REPARTEE:
- What you'd say if you had another chance.
-%
-Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
-%
-Snow and adolescence are the only problems
-that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
-%
-Snow Day -- stay home.
-%
-Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
-shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
-mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
-for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
-with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
-the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
-%
-So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
-your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
-hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
-array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
-
-... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
-were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
-that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
-toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
-made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
-format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
- -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
- Revolution"
-%
-So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they
-go to work?
-%
-So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
-A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
-they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
-of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
-only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
-purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
-strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
-Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
- -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
-%
-So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
-praise of intelligence.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
-as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
-way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
- -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
-%
-So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
-of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
-friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
-could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
-use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
-for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
-the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
-extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
- -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
-%
-So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
-%
-So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
- -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
-%
-So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
- -- Yogi Berra
-%
-So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
-large as it needs to be?
-%
-So little time, so little to do.
- -- Oscar Levant
-%
-So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
-to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
-%
-So many beautiful women and so little time.
- -- John Barrymore
-%
-So many men and so little time.
-%
-So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
- -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-So many women, and so little time!
-%
-So many women, so little nerve.
-%
-So much food, and so little time!
-%
-So much
-depends
-upon
-a red
-
-wheel
-barrow
-glazed with
-
-rain
-water
-beside
-the white
-chickens.
- -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
-%
-So now
-that you have-
-
-you know, whoever
-
-you're trying
-to do
-
-a favor
-for
-
--you've done it-
-
-and I'm sure
-you had
-
-a smirk
-on your mouth
-
-as you got me
-into this.
- -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
- composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
- Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
-%
-So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
-at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
-the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
-the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
-himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
-the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
-their boots.
- -- Samuel Foote
-%
-So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
-and yet it is not; it is but so so.
- -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
-%
-So... so you think you can tell
-Heaven from Hell?
-Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
-Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
-From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
-A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
-Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
- Did you exchange
- A walk on part in a war
- For the lead role in a cage?
- -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
-%
-So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
-And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
-%
-So, you better watch out!
-You better not cry!
-You better not pout!
-I'm telling you why,
-Santa Claus is coming, to town.
-
-He knows when you've been sleeping,
-He know when you're awake.
-He knows if you've been bad or good,
-He has ties with the CIA.
-So...
-%
-So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
-all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
-tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
-recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
-the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
-and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
-eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
-%
-So you think that money is the root of all evil.
-Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
- -- Ayn Rand
-%
-So you're back... about time...
-%
-Soap and education are not as sudden as a
-massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-SOCIALISM:
- You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
-COMMUNISM:
- You have two cows.
- Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
-CAPITALISM:
- You sell one cow and buy a bull.
-FASCISM:
- You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
- The government sells it.
-NAZISM:
- The government shoots you and takes the cows.
-NEW DEALISM:
- The government shoots one cow,
- milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
-ANARCHISM:
- Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
-CONSERVATISM:
- Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
-%
-Sodd's Second Law:
- Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
-bound to occur.
-%
-Software, n.:
- Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
-%
-Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
-like a staff function."
- -- Paul Licker
-%
-Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
-"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
-the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
- -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
-%
-Soldiers who wish to be a hero
-Are practically zero,
-But those who wish to be civilians,
-They run into the millions.
-%
-Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
- -- Kayvan Sylvan
-%
-Solutions are obvious if one only has the
-optical power to observe them over the horizon.
- -- K. A. Arsdall
-%
-Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
-and some few to be chewed and digested.
- -- Francis Bacon
- [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
-%
-Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
-Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
-%
-Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
-as when you find a trout in the milk.
- -- Thoreau
-%
-Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
-%
-Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
-%
-Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
-%
-Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
-%
-Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
- -- Edgar W. Howe
-%
-Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
-places!
- -- Mae West
-%
-Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
-and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
- -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
-%
-Some men are discovered; others are found out.
-%
-Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
-about sex at all... they become lawyers.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
-that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
-%
-Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
- -- Maureen Murphy
-%
-Some men feel that the only thing they owe
-the woman who marries them is a grudge.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
-lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
- -- Samuel Butler
-%
-Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
- -- Woodie Guthrie
-%
-Some men who fear that they are playing
-second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
-%
-Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
-The answer is: I don't know.
-Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
-%
-Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
-old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
-I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
-13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
-the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
-Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
-Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
-an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
-"lekare".
- "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
- is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
- fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
- it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
- heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
- newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
- and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
- shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
- he received, shame and wounds."
-%
-Some of the things that live the longest
-in peoples' memories never really happened.
-%
-Some of them want to use you,
-Some of them want to be used by you,
-...Everybody's looking for something.
- -- Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"
-%
-Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
- -- Gloria Steinem
-%
-Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
-celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
-stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
-"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
-of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
-government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
-Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
-billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
-it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
-thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
-the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
-and go to a mall.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Some parts of the past must be preserved,
-and some of the future prevented at all costs.
-%
-Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
-transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
-two-dimensional ones.
- -- F. Frederick Skitty
-%
-Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
-%
-Some people cause happiness wherever
-they go; others, whenever they go.
-%
-Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
-but at least you only have to climb it once.
-%
-Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
-only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
-%
-Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
-%
-Some people have parts that are so private
-they themselves have no knowledge of them.
-%
-Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
-them on the head.
-%
-Some people live life in the fast lane.
-You're in oncoming traffic.
-%
-Some people manage by the book, even though they
-don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
-%
-Some people need a good imaginary cure
-for their painful imaginary ailment.
-%
-Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
-%
-Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
-%
-Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
-rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
- -- P. J. O'Rourke
-%
-Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
-They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
-%
-Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
-you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
-worse.
- -- Avery
-%
-Some points to remember [about animals]:
-
-(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
- hippopotamuses;
-(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
- front of your clothes;
-(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
- you have just kicked.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-Some primal termite knocked on wood.
-And tasted it, and found it good.
-And that is why your Cousin May
-Fell through the parlor floor today.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
-progress.
- -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
-%
-Some say the world will end in fire,
-Some say in ice.
-From what I've tasted of desire
-I hold with those who favor fire.
-But if it had to perish twice
-I think I know enough of hate
-To say that for destruction, ice
-Is also great
-And would suffice
- -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
-%
-Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
- -- Folk saying
-%
-Some things have to be believed to be seen.
-%
-Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
-so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
-%
-Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
-Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
-Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
-When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
-
-Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
-Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
-Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
-That don't smell very nice --
-He's nobody's moggy now.
-
-Oh you who love your pussy,
-Be sure to keep him in.
-Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
-The truck is bound to win. On the road way
-And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
-Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
-If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
-It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
- And your pussy will be slightly dead,
-He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
-Just red and squashed and soggy --
-He's nobody's moggy now.
- -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
-%
-Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
-I found a pile of them over in the corner.
-%
-Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
-typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
-%
-Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
-probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
-blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
- -- Mister Boffo
-%
-Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
- -- Evan Davis
-%
-Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
-%
-Someday your prints will come.
- -- Kodak
-%
-Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
-when I was passing through satisfaction.
- -- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
-%
-Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
-City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
-Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
- -- David Letterman
-%
-Someone is speaking well of you.
-How unusual!
-%
-Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
-%
-Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
-%
-Someone will try to honk your nose today.
-%
-Something better...
-
- 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
- 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
- 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
- something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
- 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
- 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
- minutes late.
- 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
- own ear.
- 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
- mind putting that thing away.
- 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
- It's what's in it that matters.
- 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
- Seattle.
-10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
-11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
- changing tempo.
-12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
- -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
-%
-Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
-and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
- -- N. V. Plyter
-%
-Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
- -- Sigmund Freud
-%
-Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
-fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
- -- Montesquieu
-%
-Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
-smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
- -- Seneca
-%
-Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
-Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
-Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
-Either light up or leave me alone.
-%
-Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
-the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
-world.
- -- Robert Stone
-%
-Sometimes I live in the country,
-And sometimes I live in town.
-And sometimes I have a great notion,
-To jump in the river and drown.
-%
-Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
-world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
-%
-Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
-Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
- -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
-%
-Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
- -- Repo Man
-%
-Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
-%
-SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
-back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
-me because I am beautiful.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
-%
-Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
-Other times I can hardly see.
-Lately it occurs to me
-What a long strange trip it's been.
- -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
-%
-Sometimes, too long is too long.
- -- Joe Crowe
-%
-Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
-like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
-before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
-forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
- -- Snoopy
-%
-Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
-to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
- -- Andy Capp
-%
-Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
-else is driving.
- -- David Letterman
-%
-Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
-%
-Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
-%
-Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
-woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
- -- Sam Levenson
-%
-Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
- -- Carl Sagan
-%
-Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
-the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
-make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
-But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
- -- Sky Masterson's Father
-%
-Song Title of the Week:
- "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
-in me."
-%
-Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
-paid may disregard this fortune).
-%
-Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
-%
-Sorry. Nice try.
-%
-Sorry never means having you're say to love.
-%
-Sorry, no fortune this time.
-%
-Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
-big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
-drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Space is to place as eternity is to time.
- -- Joseph Joubert
-%
-Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
- -- Wheeler
-%
-Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
-Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
-and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
- -- Captain James T. Kirk
-%
-Spagmumps, n.:
- Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order
- items.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Spare no expense to save money on this one.
- -- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
- If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
-if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
-back at him.
-%
-Speak roughly to your little boy,
- And beat him when he sneezes:
-He only does it to annoy
- Because he knows it teases.
-
- Wow! wow! wow!
-
-I speak severely to my boy,
- And beat him when he sneezes:
-For he can thoroughly enjoy
- The pepper when he pleases!
-
- Wow! wow! wow!
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
-Speak roughly to your little VAX,
- And boot it when it crashes;
-It knows that one cannot relax
- Because the paging thrashes!
-
- Wow! Wow! Wow!
-
-I speak severely to my VAX,
- And boot it when it crashes;
-In spite of all my favorite hacks
- My jobs it always thrashes!
-
- Wow! Wow! Wow!
-%
-Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
-%
-Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
- -- Dave Millman
-%
-"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
-ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
-mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
-thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
-moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
-and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
-earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
-water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
-diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
-would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
-leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
-wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
-murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
-into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
-on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
-have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
-seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
-syllable is thine!"
- -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
-%
-Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
-that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
-all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
-Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
-result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
-parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
-types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
-recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
-so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
-%
-Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
-
- With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
- He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
- And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
- As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
- Helpless users with projects due
- Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
-
- Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
- Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
-
-* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
-* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
- -- Curtis Jackson
-%
-Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
-days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
-with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
-who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
-these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
-bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
-communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
- -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
-%
-Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
-on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
-%
-Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
-Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
-young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
-students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
-Faculty members especially welcome.
-%
-Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
-%
-Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
-motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
-when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
- -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
-%
-Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
- The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
-number of times you have looked at it.
-%
-Spelling is a lossed art.
-%
-Spence's Admonition:
- Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
-%
-Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
-%
-SPINSTER:
- A bachelor's wife.
-%
-Spirtle, n.:
- The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
- your eye.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Spock: The odds of surviving another
-attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
-%
-Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
-%
-Spouse, n.:
- Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
- wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
-%
-Spring is here, spring is here,
-Life is skittles and life is beer.
-%
-Squatcho, n.:
- The button at the top of a baseball cap.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
-%
-St. Patrick was a gentleman
-who through strategy and stealth
-drove all the snakes from Ireland.
-Here's a toasting to his health --
-but not too many toastings
-lest you lose yourself and then
-forget the good St. Patrick
-and see all those snakes again.
-%
-Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
-%
-Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
-%
-Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
-words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
-now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
- "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
-his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
- "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
-open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
-open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
-after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
-with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
- Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
-unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
-was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
-So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
-for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
- But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
-deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
- All it said was: "Write two letters."
-%
-Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
-%
-Stamp out philately.
-%
-STANDARDS:
- The principles we use to reject other people's code.
-%
-Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
-no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for
-something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
- -- Chuang Tzu
-%
-Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
-%
-Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
-they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
-%
-Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
-Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
-science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
-on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
- -- Harlan Ellison
-%
-Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-Start the day with a smile.
-After that you can be your nasty old self again.
-%
-State license plates we'd like to see:
-
- NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
- LVME 10DR OW-A CAH
-LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
-
- HAWAII WISCONSIN
- L-O HA CHEDDAR
-FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
-%
-State license plates we'd like to see:
-
- ALABAMA ARIZONA
- IC1 NOW 120 F
-THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
-
- CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
- 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS
-WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
-
- TEXAS FLORIDA
- 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED
-PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
-%
-State license plates we'd like to see:
-
- MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
- 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
-EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
-
- NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
- WL-GOLLY ARG GGH
-HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
-
- KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
- TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
-THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
- MOVIE STATE
-%
-STATISTICS:
- A system for expressing your political
- prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
-%
-Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
- -- Henry Clay
-%
-Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
-%
-Stay away from flying saucers today.
-%
-Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
-%
-Stay the curse.
-%
-Stay together, drag each other down.
-%
-Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
-There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
-One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
-
-And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
-Though we really did try to make it,
-Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
-
-It used to be so easy living here with you,
-You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
-Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
-
-There'll be good times again for me and you,
-But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
-But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
-
-But it's too late baby...
-It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
- -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
-%
-Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
-long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
-hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
-its rate is a matter of discretion.
- -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
-%
-Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
-%
-Steckel's Rule to Success:
- Good enough is never good enough.
-%
-Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
- Everybody should believe in something --
- I believe I'll have another drink.
-%
-Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
- Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
-handle.
-%
-Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
-Embezzlement is another matter.
-%
-Stenderup's Law:
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
-%
-Step back, unbelievers!
-Or the rain will never come.
-Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
-You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
-But I swear to you, before this day is out,
- you folks are gonna see some rain!
-%
-Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
-Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
-so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
-wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
-very little call for those up there.
- -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
-%
-Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
-Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
-%
-Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
- -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
-%
-Stock's Observation:
- You no sooner get your head above water
- but what someone pulls your flippers off.
-%
-Stone's Law:
- One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
-%
-Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
-And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
-in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
-Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
-way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
-on the credulity of human nature.
-%
-Stop me, before I kill again!
-%
-Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
-Now, if they'd only take a bath...
-%
-Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
-%
-Strange things are done to be number one
-In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
-IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
-Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
-And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
-But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
-Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
-By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
- From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
- Would ship for Celtic gold.
-The movers came to crate the frame;
-It weighed a million ton!
-The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
-(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
-"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
- spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
-"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
-"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
-"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
- Because they couldn't deliver.
- -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
-%
-STRATEGY:
- A comprehensive plan of inaction.
-%
-Strategy:
- A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
- after those creating it have left the organization.
-%
-Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
-%
-Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
-and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
-the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
-"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
-implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
-and have a nice day.
-%
-Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
-real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
-understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
- -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
-%
-Stult's Report:
- Our problems are mostly behind us.
- What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
-%
-Stupid, n.:
- Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
-%
-Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
-%
-Stupidity is its own reward.
-%
-Sturgeon's Law:
- 90% of everything is crud.
-%
-Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
-%
-Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
-Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
-%
-Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
-editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
-way before it is understood.
-%
-Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
-the streets after them.
- -- Bill Vaughn
-%
-Success is a journey, not a destination.
-%
-Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
-%
-Success is in the minds of Fools.
- -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
-%
-Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
-made of things.
- -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
-%
-Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
-%
-Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
-Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
-%
-Such a fine first dream!
-But they laughed at me; they said
-I had made it up.
-%
-Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
-when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
-%
-Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
-petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
- -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
-%
-Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
- -- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-Sudden Death Dating:
-
-Quote, female:
- Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
- at this point I'll take his first name, too.
-%
-Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
-without his duck ...
-%
-Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
-The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
-Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
-The Path there is, but none who travel it.
- -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
-%
-Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
-%
-Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
-%
-Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
- -- Donald Kaul
-%
-Sum quod eris.
-%
-Sun in the night, everyone is together,
-Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
- -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
-%
-SUN Microsystems:
- The Network IS the Load Average.
-%
-(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
-
- To code the impossible code,
- To bring up a virgin machine,
- To pop out of endless recursion,
- To grok what appears on the screen,
-
- To right the unrightable bug,
- To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
- To mount the unmountable magtape,
- To stop the unstoppable crash!
-%
-SUNSET:
- Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
- resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
- progressively reducing solar elevation.
-%
-Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
-have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
- -- Martin Luther
-%
-Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
-none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
-sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
- -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
-%
-Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
-Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
- Quantum Mechanics?
-Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
-Supervisee: Yes.
- -- Overheard at a supervision
-%
-Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
-%
-Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
-%
-Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
-%
-Support the American Kidney Foundation.
-Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
-%
-Support the Girl Scouts!
- (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
-%
-Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
-%
-Support your local church or synagogue.
-Worship at Bank of America.
-%
-Support your local police force -- steal!!
-%
-Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
-%
-Support your right to arm bears!!
-%
-Support your right to bare arms!
- -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
-%
-Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
-rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
-efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
-analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
-Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
-it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
-were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
-a pinhead.
- -- Christopher Evans
-%
-Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
-%
-Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
-But what if he forgets?
-%
-Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
-men in national government too.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
-%
-Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
-Just type in your name and social security number.
-Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
-
-Name #
-
-
-%
-Surprise due today. Also the rent.
-%
-Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
-%
-Sushi, n.:
- When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
- strapped on with electrical tape.
-%
-Sushido, n.:
- The way of the tuna.
-%
-Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-Swahili, n.:
- The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
-retractions.
- -- Johnny Hart
-%
-Swap read error. You lose your mind.
-%
-SWEATER:
- A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
-%
-Sweater, n.:
- A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
-%
-Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
- -- Thomas Tusser
-%
-Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
-And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
-%
-Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
-whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
-the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
-I rush!
- -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
-%
-Swipple's Rule of Order:
- He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
-%
-Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
-place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
- unusually pale and clear.
-Problem: Glass empty.
-Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
-
-Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
- and the front of your shirt is wet.
-Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
- wrong part of face.
-Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
- Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
-
- -- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
-Fault: The Bar is closing.
-Action Required: Panic.
-
-Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
- You cannot see the bathroom light.
-Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
-Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
- treat yourself to a lie-in.
-
- -- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
-Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
-Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
- toward ceiling.
-
-Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
-Fault: Improper bladder control.
-Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
- to the owner about its lack of house training and
- demand a beer as compensation.
-
- -- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom: Floor blurred.
-Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
-Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
-
-Symptom: Floor moving.
-Fault: You are being carried out.
-Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
- complain loudly that you are being kidnaped.
-
- -- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Symptom: Floor swaying.
-Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
- game in progress.
-Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
-
-Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
- and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
-Fault: You have fallen forward.
-Action Required: See above.
-
-Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
- fluorescent light strips.
-Fault: You have fallen over backward.
-Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
- drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
- you get up, lash yourself to bar.
-
- -- Bar Troubleshooting
-%
-Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
- -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-System checkpoint complete.
-%
-System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
-%
-System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
-%
-System going down in 5 minutes.
-%
-System restarting, wait...
-%
-System/3! System/3!
-See how it runs! See how it runs!
- Its monitor loses so totally!
- It runs all its programs in RPG!
- It's made by our favorite monopoly!
-System/3!
-%
-SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
- Works equally poorly on all systems.
-%
-Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
-infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
- -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-Systems programmer:
- A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
- vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
- are to receive from your boss.
-%
-Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
- -- R. S. Barton
-%
-T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
- He don't rock, and he don't roll;
- Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
- He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
- -- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-TACKY:
- Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
-%
-Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
- -- Jean Cocteau
-%
-Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
- -- Jean Cocteau
-%
-Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
-an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
-%
-Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
-%
-Tact, n.:
- The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
-%
-Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
-he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
-%
-Take an astronaut to launch.
-%
-Take care of the luxuries and the
-necessities will take care of themselves.
- -- L. Long
-%
-Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
- -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
-%
-Take everything in stride.
-Trample anyone who gets in your way.
-%
-TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
- Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
-%
-Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
-enough cheese.
- -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
-%
-Take me drunk,
-I'm home again!
-%
-Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
-but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
- -- Kipling
-%
-Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
-merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
-have given them to you.
-%
-Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
- -- Ken Kesey
-%
-Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
-Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
-by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
- -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
-%
-Take your Senator to lunch this week.
-%
-Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
-take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
- -- Booth Tarkington
-%
-Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
-got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
- -- Rev. Jim
-%
-Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
-%
-Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
- -- Euripides
-%
-Talkers are no good doers.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
- -- Laurie Anderson
-%
-Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
-Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
- -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
-%
-Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
-Tan me hide when I'm dead.
-So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
-It's hanging there on the shed.
-
-All together now...
- Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
- Tie me kangaroo down.
- Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
- Tie me kangaroo down.
-%
-Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
-will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
- You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
- and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
- headed. You are a Communist.
-%
-TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
- Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
- find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
- highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
-%
-TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
- Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
- because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
- decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
-%
-TAX OFFICE:
- Den of inequity.
-%
-Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
-tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
- -- Russell Long
-%
-Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
-out of the market.
-%
-Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
-%
-Taxes, n.:
- Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
- an extension.
-%
-TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
-
-Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
-Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
-of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
-
-Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.
- -- Dave Mills
-%
-Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
-when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
-%
-Teachers have class.
-%
-TEAMWORK:
- Having someone to blame.
-%
-Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
-%
-Technicality, n.:
- In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in
- having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir
- Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
- head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the
- other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was
- acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
- holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not
- affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
-is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
-before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
-this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
-being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
-work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
-itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
-slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
-difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
-I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
-a moment and then log off."
-%
-Technological progress has merely provided us
-with more efficient means for going backwards.
- -- Aldous Huxley
-%
-Teeth for meat are in the mouth --
-Teeth for humans are in the soul.
-A strong body defeats one,
-A strong soul conquers many.
- -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
-%
-Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
- -- Geoffrey Chaucer
-%
-Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
-you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
-but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
-already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
- -- Erma Bombeck
-%
-Telephone, n.:
- An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
- making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Telepression, n.:
- The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not
- try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead
- put the burden on the directory assistant.
- -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
-%
-Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
- -- Ernie Kovacs
-%
-Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
- -- Robert Carson
-%
-Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
- -- Alfred Hitchcock
-%
-Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
-each other.
- -- Ann Landers
-%
-Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
- -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
-%
-Television is now so desperately hungry for material
-that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
-Television only proves that people will look at anything --
-rather than each other.
-%
-Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
-believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
-to touch to be sure.
-%
-Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
-Is those things arms, or is they legs?
-I marvel at thee, Octopus;
-If I were thou, I'd call me us.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-Tell me what to think!!!
-%
-Tell me why the stars do shine,
-Tell me why the ivy twines,
-Tell me why the sky's so blue,
-And I will tell you just why I love you.
-
- Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
- Phototropism makes ivy twine,
- Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
- Sexual hormones are why I love you.
-%
-Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
-promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
- -- A. Hope
-%
-Tempt me with a spoon!
-%
-Tempt not a desperate man.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
-%
-Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
-shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
- When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
-entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
-seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
-of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
-word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
-and handed the others to Dutsky.
- "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
-%
-Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
- -- Napoleon I
-%
-Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
-way of telling you to stop writing.
- -- R. Geis
-%
-Terence, this is stupid stuff:
-You eat your victuals fast enough;
-There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
-To see the rate you drink your beer.
-But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
-It gives a chap the belly-ache.
-The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
-It sleeps well the horned head:
-We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
-To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
-Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
-Your friends to death before their time.
-Moping, melancholy mad:
-Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
- -- A. E. Housman
-%
-Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
-school, and then work, work, work till we die.
- -- C. S. Lewis
-%
-Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
-amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
-the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
-to risk offending God's grandmother.
- -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
-%
-Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
-pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
-about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
-ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
-because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
-fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
-credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
-certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
-he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
-contemptuously rejected it.
- -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
- [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
- Church. Ed.]
-%
-Test for paraquat:
- Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
- of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
- leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
- bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
- the solution will turn blue-green.
-%
-Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
-%
-TEUTONIC:
- Not enough gin.
-%
-TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
-century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
-terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
- -- Gordon Bell
-%
-Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
-of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
-"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
-unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
-the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
-told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
-the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
-"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
-called you from here."
-%
-Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
- -- Wayne Oakes
-%
-Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
-%
-Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
-one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
- -- J. Finnegan, USC
-%
-Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
- -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
-%
-Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
-%
-That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
- -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
-%
-That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
- -- Foghorn Leghorn
-%
-That does not compute.
-%
-...that FC loop thing sucks.
-So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
-wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
- -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
-%
-That feeling just came over me.
- -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
-%
-That government is best which governs least.
- -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
-%
-That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
-that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
-in the same way as us.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-That money talks,
-I'll not deny,
-I heard it once,
-It said "Good-bye.
- -- Richard Armour
-%
-That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
- -- Moliere
-%
-That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
-%
-That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
-sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
-narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
-%
-That, that is, is.
-That, that is not, is not.
-That, that is, is not that, that is not.
-That, that is not, is not that, that is.
-%
-...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
-the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
-hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
-A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
-liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
-REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
- -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
-%
-That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
-%
-That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
-remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
-write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
- -- Heine
-%
-That's always the way when you discover
-something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
- -- Evelyn E. Smith
-%
-That's life.
- What's life?
-A magazine.
- How much does it cost?
-Two-fifty.
- I only have a dollar.
-That's life.
-%
-That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
-who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
-thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
-thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
- -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
-%
-"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
-omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l."
- -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-That's no moon...
- -- Obi-wan Kenobi
-%
-That's odd. That's very odd.
-Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
-%
-That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
- -- Neil Armstrong
-%
-That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
- -- Woody Allen, on sex
-%
-That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
-really hate is lousy programmers.
- -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
-%
-That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
-returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
- -- Bill Veeck
-%
-That's what she said.
-%
-That's where the money was.
- -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
-
-It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
- -- Willie Sutton
-%
-The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
- -- R. B. Greenberg
-%
-The 357.73 Theory --
- Auditors always reject expense accounts
- with a bottom line divisible by 5.
-%
-The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
-%
-The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
-Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
- -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
-%
-The Abrams' Principle:
- The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
-%
-The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
- -- T. Cheatham
-%
-The absent ones are always at fault.
-%
-The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
- -- A. Camus
-%
-The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
-%
-The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
- -- Clifton Fadiman
-%
-The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
-hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
-makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
-undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
-anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
- -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
-%
-The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
-does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
- -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
-%
-The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-The Advertising Agency Song:
-
- When your client's hopping mad,
- Put his picture in the ad.
- If he still should prove refractory,
- Add a picture of his factory.
-%
-The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
-he is already degraded.
- -- George Orwell
-%
-The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
-facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
- -- Whitehead
-%
-The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
-belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
-%
-The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
-For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
- -- Bart Miller
-%
-The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
-someone with it.
- -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
-%
-The all-softening overpowering knell,
-The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
- -- Lord Byron
-%
-The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
-fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
- -- Winston Churchill, 1942
-%
-The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
-to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
-
-Film at 11:00.
-%
-The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
-eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
- -- Finley Peter Dunne
-%
-The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
-call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
-opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
- -- Al Capone
-%
-The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
-pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
-%
-The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
-in billigrahams.
-%
-The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
-just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
- -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
-%
-The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
-of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
-Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
-even better, nobody has to play it.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
- I don't mind... and you don't matter.
-
- -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
-%
-The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
- -- E. Costello
-%
-The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
-with which you can threaten your enemies.
- -- Bonnard
-%
-The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
-sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
- -- Salvador De Madariaga
-%
-The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
- -- Albertano of Brescia
-%
-The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
-doctors nor lawyers.
- -- L. Docquier
-%
-The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
-session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
-advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
-publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-
-giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
-we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
-book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
-field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu-
-ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
-very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
-lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
-courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S.,
-[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
-arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
-time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
-for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
-then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
- Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
- And dare not stray to ideas new,
- For if t'were tried they might e'en work
- And for a living what woulds't we do?
-%
-The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
-for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
-bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
-constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
-all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
-neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
-Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
-would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
-desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
-fire-fighting aircraft.
-
- -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
-%
-The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
-
- Four day work week,
- Two ply toilet paper!
-%
-The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
-released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
-Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
-%
-The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
-and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
-All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
-"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
-their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
-Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
-the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
-logs to multiply."
-%
-The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
-never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
-and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
-through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
- -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
-%
-The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
-Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
-and color, but also on ability.
- -- T. Lehrer
-%
-The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
- -- Bill Murray
-%
-The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
-in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
-Declaration not for that, but for future use.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
-Jupiter can have no satellites:
-
- There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
-eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
-unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
-From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
-metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
-of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
- Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
-therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
-and therefore do not exist.
-%
-The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
-%
-The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
-knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
- -- Ladies' Home Journal
-%
-The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
-the morning feeling just terrible.
- -- Jean Kerr
-%
-The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
-%
-The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
-a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
-%
-The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
-%
-The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
-one graveyard to another.
- -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
-%
-The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
-disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
-feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
-their father.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
-average man can see better than he can think.
-%
-The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
-into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
- -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
-%
-The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
-carries any reward.
- -- John Maynard Keynes
-%
-The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
-people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
-anything.
- -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
-%
-The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
-Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
-And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
- It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
- -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
-%
-The bank sent our statement this morning,
-The red ink was a sight of great awe!
-Their figures and mine might have balanced,
-But my wife was too quick on the draw.
-%
-The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
-cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
-difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
-which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
-here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
-RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
-want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
-lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
-squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
-and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
-his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
-neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
-lots.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
-called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
-writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
-be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
-immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
-bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
-Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
-paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
-would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
-The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
-emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
-Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
- -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
-%
-The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
-And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
-The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
-And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
-These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
-%
-THE BEATLES:
- Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
-%
-The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
- -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
-
- [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
- believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
- Memory". Ed.]
-%
-The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
- -- Maurice Baring
-%
-The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
-but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
-%
-The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
- live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
-Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
- live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
-The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
- live with a British wife, and eat American food.
- -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
-%
-The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-The best defense against logic is ignorance.
-%
-The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
-but doesn't.
- -- Tom Crichton
-%
-The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
- -- Scotty
-%
-The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
-However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
-by judging things by their price.
-%
-The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
-what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
-them while they do it.
- -- Theodore Roosevelt
-%
-The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
-%
-The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
- -- Blair
-%
-The best man for the job is often a woman.
-%
-The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
-head waiter.
- -- Nubar Gulbenkian
-%
-The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
-nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
- -- Wordsworth
-%
-The best prophet of the future is the past.
-%
-The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
-redoubtable John W. Campbell:
-
- The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
- people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
- dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
- being read by a corpse.
-%
-The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
-fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
-drifting side by side to our common doom.
- -- Clarence Darrow
-%
-The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
-company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
-%
-The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
-%
-The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
-%
-The best things in life are for a fee.
-%
-The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
-%
-The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
-%
-The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
-%
-The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
-%
-The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
-%
-The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
-is a match.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
-smoke is a right worth dying for.
-%
-The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
-scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
-when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
-way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
-Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
-work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
- -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
-%
-The best you get is an even break.
- -- Franklin Adams
-%
-The better part of valor is discretion.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
-To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
-to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
-It's just that they need more supervision.
-%
-The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
-never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-The Bible on letters of reference:
-
- Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
-we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
-No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
-man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
- -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
-%
-The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
- -- Nora Ephron
-%
-The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
-themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
-this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
-hungry all the time?
-%
-The bigger the theory the better.
-%
-The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
- -- Merrick Furst
-%
-The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
-working for someone else.
-%
-The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
-occurred.
-%
-The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
-and the bird is on the wing.
- -- Omar Khayyam
-%
-The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
-because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
-and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
-Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
-of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
-containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
-put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
-of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
-%
-The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
-%
-The bogosity meter just pegged.
-%
-The bold youth of today is very lonely.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
- -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
-%
-The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
-half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
-pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
-hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
-for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
-during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
-but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
- -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
-%
-The boy stood on the burning deck,
-Eating peanuts by the peck.
-His father called him, but he could not go,
-For he loved those peanuts so.
-%
-The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
-you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
-%
-The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
- To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
- program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
- one, and convert to the next higher units.
-%
-The British are coming! The British are coming!
-%
-The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
-fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
-The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
-and humiliating reality.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
-digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
-of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
-the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
- -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
-%
-The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
-Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
-automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
- -- Art Buchwald
-%
-The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
-the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
- -- Kay Bostic
-%
-The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
-Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
-Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
-time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
-Days of Pompeii."
-
-Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
-beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
-Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
-written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
-
- It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
- at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
- wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
- lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
- flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
-%
-The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
-bureaucracy.
-%
-The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
-flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
-%
-The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
-people, and don't come in clearly enough.
- -- Bill Maher
-%
-The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
-sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
-time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
-into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
-with Basil.
- -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
-%
-The camel has a single hump;
-The dromedary two;
-Or else the other way around.
-I'm never sure. Are you?
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
-greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
-inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
-party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The carbonyl is polarized,
-The delta end is plus.
-The nucleophile will thus attack,
-The carbon nucleus.
-Addition makes an alcohol,
-Of types there are but three.
-It makes a bond, to correspond,
-From C to shining C.
- -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
-%
-The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
- -- Herbert von Fritzlar
-%
-The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
-%
-The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
- -- G. Fitch
-%
-The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
-sometimes three.
- -- Alexandre Dumas
-%
-The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
-at the steam fitters' picnic.
-%
-The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
- -- Alfred Adler
-%
-The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
- -- Picasso
-%
-The church is near but the road is icy,
-the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
- -- Russian Proverb
-%
-The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
-specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
-rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
-%
-The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
-%
-The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
- -- John Muir
-%
-The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
-the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
-military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
-private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
-and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
-who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
- -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
-%
-The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
-%
-The closest to perfection a person ever comes
-is when he fills out a job application form.
- -- Stanley J. Randall
-%
-The clothes have no emperor.
- -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
-%
-The coast was clear.
- -- Lope de Vega
-%
-The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
-intellectual nakedness.
- -- Robert M. Hutchins
-%
-The Commandments of the EE:
-
-1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
- lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
- embarrassing manner.
-2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
- be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
- earthly vale of tears.
-3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
- which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
- thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
- a radiator too.
-4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
- shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
- unbelievers.
-%
-The Commandments of the EE:
-
-5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
- measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
- both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
- property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
- one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
-6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
- for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
- the fury of the engineers on his head.
-7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
- friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
- her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
-8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
- for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
- thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
- sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
-%
-The Commandments of the EE:
-
-9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
- commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
- frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
-10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
- written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
- and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
- thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
-11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
- unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
- that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
- experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
- innocent-seeming device.
-%
-The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
-%
-The computer gets faster! --Moore--
-%
-The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
-entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
-50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
-the 80's.
- -- Marty Winston
-%
-The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
-central power station is to the electrical industry.
- -- Peter Drucker
-%
-The Computer made me do it.
-%
-The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
-defined several times by examples of what it is not.
-%
-The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
-memos.
- -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
-%
-The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
-and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
-language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
-dangerous.
- -- Bjarne Stroustrup
-%
-The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
-subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
-every bird watcher in the country.
- -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
-%
-The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
-than what we've got!
-%
-The Consultant's Curse:
- When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
-what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
-medicine, and is normally only required once.
-%
-The control of the production of wealth
-is the control of human life itself.
- -- Hilaire Belloc
-%
-The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
-none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
-Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
-Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
-talked about.
- -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
-%
-The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-%
-The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
-%
-The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
-female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
-rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
-would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
-career.
- -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
-%
-The course of true anything never does run smooth.
- -- Samuel Butler
-%
-The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
-judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
-Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
-ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
- "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
-father!"
-%
-The covers of this book are too far apart.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book
-%
-The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
- -- John McNulty
-%
-The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
-Instruments.
- -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe"
-%
-The Crown is full of it!
- -- Nate Harris, 1775
-%
-The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
-be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
-propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
-and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
-assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
-of all our rights and privileges.
- -- William Ellery Channing
-%
-The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
-words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
- -- Susan Dooley
-%
-The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
- -- Andy Purshottam
-%
-The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
-a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
-%
-The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
-Every class is unfit to govern.
- -- Lord Acton
-%
-The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
-plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
-Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
-be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
-agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at
-nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
-that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
-years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
- -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
-%
-The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
-and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-%
-The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
-as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
-the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
-dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
-this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
-doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
-%
-The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
-to a tedious book.
-%
-The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
-who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
-Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
-%
-The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
-%
-The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
-accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
-Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator.
- -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
-%
-The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
-%
-The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
-Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
-%
-The degree of civilization in a society
-can be judged by entering its prisons.
- -- F. Dostoyevski
-%
-The degree of technical confidence is inversely
-proportional to the level of management.
-%
-The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
-people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
- -- Logan Pearsall Smith
-%
-The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
-successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
-and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
-of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
-second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
-Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
-into a drawer.
- Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
-young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
- The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
-crisis passed.
- Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
-manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
- He held another press conference, announcing that the division
-would be restructured. The crisis passed.
- A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
-blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
-into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
- "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
-%
-The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
- -- Anaxagoras
-%
-The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
-%
-The devil finds work for idle glands.
-%
-The die is cast.
- -- Gaius Julius Caesar
-%
-The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
-%
-The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
-%
-The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
-exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
-the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
-it would be a calamity.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
-miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
-%
-The difference between art and science is that science is what we
-understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
- -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover"
-%
-The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
-thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
-is thinking that they're conspiring.
- -- J. Kegler
-%
-The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
-called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
-%
-The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
-%
-The difference between legal separation and divorce is
-that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
-%
-The difference between reality and unreality
-is that reality has so little to recommend it.
- -- Allan Sherman
-%
-The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
-requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein
-%
-The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
-Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
-rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
-swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
- -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
-%
-The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
-you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
-swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
-sentimentality.
- -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
-%
-The difference between the right word and the almost right word
-is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The difference between this place and yogurt
-is that yogurt has a live culture.
-%
-The difference between us is not very far,
-cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
-%
-The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
- -- T. K.
-%
-The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
-%
-The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
-the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
-work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
- -- Russell Baker
-%
-The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
-%
-The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
-%
-The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
-naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
-following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
-
- "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
-Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
-Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
- "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
-Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
-Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
-Macaroons are _\bv_\be_\br_\by Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
-goyish. Lime soda is _\bv_\be_\br_\by goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
-Jews won't go near them."
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-The distinction between true and false appears to become
-increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
- -- Arne Tiselius
-%
-The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
-a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
-%
-The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
-the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
-and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
- -- John Adams
-%
-The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
-really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
- -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
-%
-The door is the key.
-%
-The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
-this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
-hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
-the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
-it to his master.
- "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
- "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
-%
-The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
-of the woman.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
-%
-The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
-%
-The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
-and owns the worm farm.
- -- Travis McGee
-%
-The early worm gets the late bird.
-%
-The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
-%
-The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
-add ten percent.
-%
-The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
-teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
-
-I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
-or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
-hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
-But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
-valuable possession to him.
-
-I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
-end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
-to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
-have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
-enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
-roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
-would tire of the spectacle eventually.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
-weather forecasters.
- -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
-%
-The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
-*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
- -- Mel Brooks
-%
-The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
-%
-"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
-Compute' -- I forget which."
- -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
-to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
-Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With".
-The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
-Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
-first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect
-that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
-over the post of robotics correspondent.
- Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
-had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
-the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
-Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
-wall when the revolution came".
-%
-The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
- -- Buckminster Fuller
-%
-The end of labor is to gain leisure.
-%
-The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
-civilization.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
-symposium to follow.
-%
-The ends justify the means.
- -- after Matthew Prior
-%
-The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
-of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
-of these atoms is talking moonshine.
- -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
- the first time
-%
-The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
-in full pursuit of the uneatable.
- -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
-%
-The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
-their children to speak it.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-The English instinctively admire any man
-who has no talent and is modest about it.
- -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
-%
-The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
-purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
-place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
-before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
-all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
-result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
-relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
-Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
-
- A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
- "What kind of family do you come from?"
- "A rich, Jewish family."
- "And your wife?"
- "A German aristocrat."
- "Have you ever been to the West?"
- "I spent most of my life in England."
- "How did you make a living there?"
- "A friend supported me."
- "Where did you get the money from?"
- "He owned a textile factory."
- "Who was Lenin?"
- "Never heard of him."
- "What is your name?"
- "Karl Marx."
-%
-The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
-for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
-a substitute for intelligence.
- -- Lyman Bryson
-%
-The eternal feminine draws us upward.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
- -- Anne Boleyn
-%
-The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
-is the most likely to be correct.
- -- William of Occam
-%
-The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
-the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
-own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
-of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
-of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
-what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
-everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
-so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
-in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
- -- Chuang Tzu
-%
-The eyes of taxes are upon you.
-%
-The eyes of Texas are upon you,
-All the livelong day;
-The eyes of Texas are upon you,
-You cannot get away;
-Do not think you can escape them
-From night 'til early in the morn;
-The eyes of Texas are upon you
-'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
- -- University of Texas' school song
-%
-The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
-utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
-a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
- -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
-%
-The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
-remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
-in general as no other can.
- -- Wilhelm Reich
-%
-The fact that it works is immaterial.
- -- L. Ogborn
-%
-The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
-endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
-compassion.
- -- Saul Alinsky
-%
-The fall of the USSR proves you wrong.
- -- Aryeh M. Friedman
-%
-The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
-%
-The farther you go, the less you know.
- -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
-%
-The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
-%
-The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
-outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
-say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
-so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
-so long as they are Tories.
- -- Christopher Booker
-%
-The faster I go, the behinder I get.
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
-The faster we go, the rounder we get.
- -- The Grateful Dead
-%
-The Fastest Defeat In Chess
- The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
-master.
- In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
-Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
-chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
-of their own homes.
- Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
- 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
- 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
- 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
- 4: P-KR3, Kt-K6/
- White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
-either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
-business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
-lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
-of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
- "Whaddaya want?"
- "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
- "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
-%
-The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
-and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
-suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
-I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
-dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
-quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
-and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
-for them to despise science fiction.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction"
-%
-The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
-wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
- "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
-you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
-the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
-center at Notre Dame."
- "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
-times."
-%
-"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
-supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
-anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
-husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
-and become lesbians."
-%
-The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
- (1) write down the problem.
- (2) think very hard.
- (3) write down the answer.
- -- Murray Gell-Mann
-%
-The Fifth Rule:
- You have taken yourself too seriously.
-%
-The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
- -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
-%
-The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
-%
-The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
-%
-The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
-the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
-%
-The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
-the Bible.
- -- John Quincy Adams
-
-All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
-but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
-to man are contained in it.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-
-... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
-life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
-guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
- -- Woodrow Wilson
-%
-The First Commandment for Technicians:
- Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
-capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
-untechnician-like manner.
-%
-The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
- -- Abbie Hoffman
-%
-The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
-Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
-tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
-forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
-fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
-threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
-suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
-foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
-one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
-dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
-drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
-and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
-thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
-of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
-in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
-crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
-Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
-a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
-throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
- -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
-The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
- -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
-%
-The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
-and the second half by our children.
- -- Clarence Darrow
-%
-The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
-and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
-%
-The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
-management is that success equals skill.
- -- Robert Heller
-%
-The first requisite for immortality is death.
- -- Stanislaw Lem
-%
-The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
-child, was propounded to me by my father:
- "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
-whistles?"
- I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
-gave up.
- "A herring," said my father.
- "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
- "So hang it there."
- "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
- "Paint it."
- "But a herring isn't wet."
- "If it's just painted it's still wet."
- "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
-doesn't whistle!!"
- "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
-hard."
- -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
-%
-The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
- -- Paul Erlich
-%
-The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
-hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
- -- McCloctnik the Lucid
-%
-The First Rule of Program Optimization:
- Don't do it.
-
-The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
- Don't do it yet.
- -- Michael Jackson
-%
-The first thing I do in the morning
-is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
-%
-The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
-The second, a trick.
-Later, it's a well-established technique!
- -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
-%
-The first version always gets thrown away.
-%
-The five rules of Socialism:
-
- 1. Don't think.
- 2. If you do think, don't speak.
- 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
- 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
- 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
-
- -- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
-...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
-%
-The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
-%
-The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
- -- Alan Coult
-%
-The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
-Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
-
-As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
-logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
-appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
-four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
- . . .
-Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
-blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
-parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
-of the hyper-cube.
-%
-The following statement is not true.
-The previous statement is true.
-%
-The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
-
- 1. You can't push on a string.
- 2. Ain't no free lunches.
- 3. Them as has, gets.
- 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
-%
-The Force is what holds everything together.
-It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
-It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
-%
-The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
-completely surrounded by people who want some.
- -- Dwight MacDonald
-%
-The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
-because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
-rests on mutual help.
- -- Laukikanyay
-%
-The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
-and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
-%
-The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
-received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
-%
-The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
-objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
-due to levitation.
- Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
-if the character does not have fire resistance.
- -- README file from the NetHack game
-%
-The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
-vinyl.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
-number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
-%
-The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
-of both parties tactfully interferes.
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
-but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
- -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
-%
-The future is a myth created by insurance
-salesmen and high school counselors.
-%
-The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
- -- H. G. Wells
-%
-The future is going to be boring.
- -- J. G. Ballard
-%
-The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
-%
-The future lies ahead.
-%
-The future not being born, my friend,
-we will abstain from baptizing it.
- -- George Meredith
-%
-The garden is in mourning;
-The rain falls cool among the flowers.
-Summer shivers quietly
-On its way towards its end.
-
-Golden leaf after leaf
-Falls from the tall acacia.
-Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
-In this dying dream of a garden.
-
-For a long while, yet, in the roses,
-She will linger on, yearning for peace,
-And slowly
-Close her weary eyes.
- -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
-%
-The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
-%
-The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
-people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
-drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
-The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
-%
-The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
-%
-The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
-today.
-%
-The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
-remember her first husband.
-%
-The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
-%
-The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
- -- Sophia Loren
-%
-The glances over cocktails
-That seemed to be so sweet
-Don't seem quite so amorous
-Over Shredded Wheat
-%
-The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
-least until we've finished building it.
-%
-The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
-The goal of nature is to build better mice.
-%
-The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
-They gave him love and he invented marriage.
-%
-The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
-is your move.
- -- Frank Crane
-%
-The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
- He who has the gold makes the rules.
-%
-The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
-make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
-have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
-man in the bonds of Hell.
- -- St. Augustine
-%
-The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
-to be good.
- -- John Barrymore
-%
-The good (I am convinced, for one)
-Is but the bad one leaves undone.
-Once your reputation's done
-You can live a life of fun.
- -- Wilhelm Busch
-%
-The good life was so elusive
-It really got me down
-I had to regain some confidence
-So I got into camouflage
-%
-The good time is approaching,
-The season is at hand.
-When the merry click of the two-base lick
-Will be heard throughout the land.
-The frost still lingers on the earth, and
-Budless are the trees.
-But the merry ring of the voice of spring
-Is borne upon the breeze.
- -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
-%
-The Gordian Maxim:
-If a string has one end, it has another.
-%
-The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
-to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
-and they can't fire it.
-%
-The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
-statistics. These are raised to the _\bnth degree, the cube roots are
-extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
-displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
-case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
-down anything he damn well pleases.
- -- Sir Josiah Stamp
-%
-The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
-Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
-and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
-%
-The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
-Christian Religion
- -- George Washington
-%
-The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
-with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
-fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
-for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
-"Send Lord Combermere."
- "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
-Combermere a fool."
- "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
- -- G. W. E. Russell
-%
-The goys have proven the following theorem...
- -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
- lecture.
-%
-The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
-who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
-%
-The grave's a fine and private place,
-but none, I think, do there embrace.
- -- Andrew Marvell
-%
-The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
- -- Charles de Gaulle
-%
-The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
- The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
-courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
-clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
-of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
-Hedgehog Eater.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
- -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
-With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
- -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
-
-Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
-GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
- -- The Wild Party (1929)
-
-YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
-DIX -- the dashing soldier!
- DIX -- the bold adventurer!
- DIX -- the throbbing lover!
- -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
-
-SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
-SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
- -- The Night is Young (1934)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
-unimaginable hell.
- -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
-
-NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
- -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
-
-LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
-SLAUGHTER!
- -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
-
-The family that slays together stays together.
- -- Bloody Mama (1970)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
- -- Squirm (1976)
-
-Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
-This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
- -- The New House on the Left (1977)
-
-WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
- -- Zombie (1980)
-
-It's not human and it's got an axe.
- -- The Prey (1981)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
-SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
-... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
- -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
-
-An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
- -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
-
-WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
-RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
-Alone, only a harmless pet...
- One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
- -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
-
-They're Over-Exposed
-But Not Under-Developed!
- -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
- -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
-
-Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
-Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
- -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
-
-NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
-FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
- -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
- -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
-
-The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
- -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
-
-TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
- -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
-
-They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
- -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
-of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
-you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
- -- Spitfire (1934)
-
-Do Native Women Live With Apes?
- -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
-
-JUNGLE KISS!!
- When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
-was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
-she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
-spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
-was a girl in love!
- SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
- -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
-
-LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
- -- Intermezzo (1939)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
- -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
-
-She Sins in Mobile --
-Marries in Houston --
-Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
-Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
-MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
-FIRST -- HARLOW!
-THEN -- MONROE!
-NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
- -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
-
-*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
-A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
-1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
- -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
- The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
- Became Mixed Up Zombies)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
--- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
--- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
--- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
--- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
- SEE the burning of a virgin!
- SEE power of witch doctor over women!
- SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
- -- Kwaheri (1965)
-
-The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
- -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
-
-AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
-A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
- The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
-give you the wim-wams!
- -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
-SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
-SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
- -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
-
-What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
- -- Stroker Ace (1983)
-
-It's always better when you come again!
- -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
-
-You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
- -- Pieces (1983)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
-on a roaring rampage of revenge!
- -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
-
-WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
-SAUSAGES?
- -- Meat is Meat (1972)
-
-TODAY the Pond!
-TOMORROW the World!
- -- Frogs (1972)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
- -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
-
-CAST OF 3,000!
-4 WRITERS,
-2 DIRECTORS,
-3 CAMERAMEN,
-3 PRODUCERS!
-1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
-24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
-20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
- BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
- AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
-THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
-Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
- HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
- -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
- Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
- -- Bwana Devil (1952)
-
-OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
-Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
-the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
-Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
- SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
- -- Robot Monster (1953)
-
-1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
-802 scared bulls!
- -- The Egyptian (1954)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
-horror on a screaming world!
- -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
-
-SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
-giant desires!
- -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
-
-Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
-What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
-Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
- -- The Desperate Women (1958)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
-SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
- -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
-
-See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
- -- The French Line (1954)
-
-See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
- -- Hot Blood (1956)
-%
-The Great Movie Posters:
-
-When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
-Friends...
- -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
-
-Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
- -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
-
-A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
-OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
- -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
-%
-The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
-like prostitutes.
- -- Stanley Kubrick
-%
-The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
-yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
-feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
- -- Sigmund Freud
-%
-The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
-At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
-answered themselves.
- -- Arthur Binstead
-%
-The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
-of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
- -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
-%
-The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
-is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
-%
-The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
- -- Sophocles
-%
-The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
-before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
-the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
-their wives and daughters to his arms.
- -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
-%
-The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
- -- Polish proverb
-%
-The Greatest Mathematical Error
- The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
-July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
-give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
-would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
-corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
-scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
- However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
-plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
- Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
-the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
-spokesman said.
- This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
-%
-The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein
-%
-The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
-%
-The groundhog is like most other prophets;
-it delivers its message and then disappears.
-%
-The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
-thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
-would have been useful to the chicken.
-
- -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
-%
-The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
- -- J. K. Galbraith
-%
-The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
-success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
-%
-The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
-you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
-%
-The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
-deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
-author's name on the title page.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
-%
-The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
- -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
-%
-The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
-of functions performed by private citizens.
- -- Alexis de Tocqueville
-%
-The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
-whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
-%
-The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
- -- Blaise Pascal
-%
-The heart is wiser than the intellect.
-%
-...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
-%
-The heaviest object in the world is the
-body of the woman you have ceased to love.
- -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
-%
-The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
- You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
-%
-The help people need most urgently is
-help in admitting that they need help.
-%
-The herd instinct among economists
-makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
-%
-The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
-challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
-keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
-itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
-of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
-is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
-adventurous youth.
- -- Benjamin Cardozo
-%
-The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
-which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
-least 5000 years old."
-%
-The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
- -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
-%
-The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
-three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
-Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
-instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
-eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
-have lunch?".
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
-%
-The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
-are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
-
-Retribution:
- I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
-Anticipation:
- I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
-Diplomacy:
- I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
- pretext that your brother did it.
-%
-The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
- -- Johnny Carson
-%
-The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
-to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
-she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
- -- Bill Lawrence
-%
-The horror... the horror!
-%
-The human animal differs from the lesser
-primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
- -- H. Allen Smith
-%
-The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
-you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
- -- Sir George Jessel
-%
-The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
-has gills through which it can see.
- -- Monty Python
-%
-The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
-its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
-%
-The human mind treats a new idea the way the
-body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
- -- P. Medawar
-%
-The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
-Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
-its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
-us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
-facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
-certain degree of awe.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
-The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
-procession but carrying a banner.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
- -- David Gerrold
-%
-The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
-that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
- -- Leo J. Burke
-%
-The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
-if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
- -- D. Cohen
-%
-The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
- -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
-%
-The idea is to die young as late as possible.
- -- Ashley Montague
-%
-The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
-tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
-it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
- -- Doug Gwyn
-%
-The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
-devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
-where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
-sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
-consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
-have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
-repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
-of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
-devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
- -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
-%
-The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
-no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
- -- Harry V. Wade
-%
-The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
-are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
-understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
- -- John Maynard Keynes
-%
-The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
- -- Franco Spisani
-%
-The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
-%
-The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
- -- Quintus Ennius
-%
-The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
-longer.
- -- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
- A program is a lot like a nose:
- Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
-%
-The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-%
-The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
-%
-The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
-has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
-when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
-point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
-important thing to people.
- -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
-%
-The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
-a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
-the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
-there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
-pointer and a mark.
- -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
-%
-The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
-number of participants.
- -- Adam Walinsky
-%
-The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
-the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
-affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
-style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
-manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
-constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
-overturning everything.
- -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
-%
-The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
-the group divided by the number of people in the group.
-%
-The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
-information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
-dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
-real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
-
-So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
-pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
-consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
- -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
-%
-The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
-treat the Arabs like postmen.
- -- Franklyn Ajaye
-%
-The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
-knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
-Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
- "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
-good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
-still in."
-%
-The Junior God now heads the roll
-In the list of heaven's peers;
-He sits in the House of High Control,
-And he regulates the spheres.
-Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
-If, even in gods divine,
-The best and wisest may not be those
-Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
- -- R. W. Service
-%
-The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
-debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
-revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
-quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
-resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
-workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
-Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
-to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
-hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
-nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
-goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
-drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
- -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
- Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
- Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
- 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
-%
-The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
-there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
- -- Andrew Hume
-%
-The Kennedy Constant:
- Don't get mad -- get even.
-%
-The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
- -- L. Zadeh
-%
-The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
-an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
-advantage to see the truth.
- -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
-%
-The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
-%
-The kind of danger people most enjoy is
-the kind they can watch from a safe place.
-%
-The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
-
-King: "How goes the battle plan?"
-Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
-K: "Yes."
-A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
- to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
- the dust clears."
-K: "And?"
-A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
-K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
-A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
-%
-The knowledge that makes us cherish
-innocence makes innocence unattainable.
- -- Irving Howe
-%
-The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
-the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
-world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
-dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
-per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
-really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
-drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
-I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
-And now, just look at me."
-%
-The ladies men admire, I've heard,
-Would shudder at a wicked word.
-Their candle gives a single light;
-They'd rather stay at home at night.
-They do not keep awake till three,
-Nor read erotic poetry.
-They never sanction the impure,
-Nor recognize an overture.
-They shrink from powders and from paints...
-So far, I've had no complaints.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
-Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
- -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
-%
-The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
- -- Werner Trobin
-%
-The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
-everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
-%
-The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
-%
-The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
- -- Blaise Pascal
-%
-The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
-hand.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
-processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
- -- Roy Blount, Jr.
-%
-The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
- -- Governor Tarkin
-%
-The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
-to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
- -- Anatole France
-%
-The Law of the Letter:
- The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
-%
-The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
- You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
-%
-The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
-law free.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
-should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
-weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
-we own.
- -- H. G. Wells
-%
-The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
- The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
-most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
-give a public reading of his latest poem.
- Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
-Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
-Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
- Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
-and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
-the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
-turn."
- After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
-Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
-lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
-Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
-on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
-much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
- Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
-exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
-their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
-be better."
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Animal Rescue
- The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
-rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
-emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
-lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
-tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
-So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
-later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Collector
- Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
-was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
-amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
-works of Shakespeare.
- One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
-legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
-remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
- The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
-the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
-French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Defrosting Device
- The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
-whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
- "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
-got stuck fast."
- While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
-was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
- "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
-muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
- He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
-constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
-Lips".
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
- In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
-Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
-legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
-enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
-men and women.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Executions
- History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
-The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
-made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
-snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
-and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
-punishment, he was reprieved.
- The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
-tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
-occasion failed to get the trap door open.
- In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
-Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
-to America and lived until 1933.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Least Successful Police Dogs
- America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
-schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
-in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
-offend the criminal classes.
- His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
-and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
- The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
-stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
-raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
-1967.
- While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
-patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
-fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
-him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
- -- Kin Hubbard
-%
-The less time planning, the more time programming.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
-
- SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
-Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
-for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
-code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
-END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
-syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
-the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
-frustrating process of testing and debugging.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
-
- This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
-Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
-users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
-lithtth.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
-
- SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
-Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
-SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
-while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
-often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
-
- From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
-Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
-industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
-Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
-operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
-accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
-
- LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
- IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
- GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
- VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
- THEN
- FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
- DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
- SURE
- LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
- GOTO THE MALL
-
- VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
-example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
-message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
-AWESOME!
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
-
- Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
-DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
-SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
-graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
-it travels across the screen.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
-
- Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
-unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
-Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
-programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
-
- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
-he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
-best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
-generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
-a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
-
- FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
-refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
-FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
-refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
-VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
- The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
-financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
-LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
-RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
-who end up using this language.
-%
-THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
-
- LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
-T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
-intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
- The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
-while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
-since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
- Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
-gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
-syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
-%
-The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
- -- Plato
-%
-The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
-train.
-%
-The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
-%
-The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
-%
-The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
-%
-The lion and the calf shall lie down
-together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
-She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
- -- DeGourmont
-%
-The little pieces of my life I give to you,
-with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
-%
-The little town that time forgot,
-Where all the women are strong,
-The men are good-looking,
-And the children above-average.
- -- Prairie Home Companion
-%
-The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
-door with a basket of kittens.
- "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
- "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
-Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
-girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
- "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
- "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
- "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
- "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
-%
-The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
-for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
-simply making a limiting statement about himself.
- -- Sidney Harris
-%
-The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
- -- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The longer the title, the less important the job.
-%
-The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
- -- Marcus Terentius Varro
-%
-The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
-we could with both of them.
- -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
-%
-The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
-Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
-%
-The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
-so many of them.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
-the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
-her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
-Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
-steel through your last meal!"
- -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
-%
-The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
-%
-The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
-Are of imagination all compact...
- -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
-%
-The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
-%
-The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
- -- Kevin Cowherd
-%
-The major advances in civilization are processes
-that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
- -- A. N. Whitehead
-%
-The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
-bonds will eventually mature.
-%
-The major sin is the sin of being born.
- -- Samuel Beckett
-%
-The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
-the violin.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
-The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
-consistency.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-The makers may make,
-And the users may use,
-But the fixers must fix
-With but minimal clues.
-%
-The man she had was kind and clean
-And well enough for every day,
-But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
-The one that got away.
- -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
-%
-The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
- The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
-Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
-invented it.
- In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
-American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
- The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
-After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
--- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
- "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
-point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
-the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
-not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
-that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
-sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
-The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
-been.
- -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
-%
-The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
- -- Menander
-%
-The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
- -- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
- -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
-%
-The man who runs may fight again.
- -- Menander
-%
-The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
-Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
- -- Old Japanese proverb
-%
-The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
-will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The man who understands one woman is
-qualified to understand pretty well everything.
- -- Yeats
-%
-The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
-to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
- -- Will Rogers
-
-The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
- -- Vice President John Nance Garner
-%
-The Marines:
- The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
-%
-The Marines:
- The few, the proud, the not very bright.
-%
-The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
-wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
- -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
-%
-The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
-while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
- -- Wilhelm Stekel
-%
-The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
-and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
-master calls a butterfly.
- -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
-husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
-are one, and that one is Marxism.
- -- Heidi Hartmann,
- "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
-%
-The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
-%
-The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
-soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
-which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
-%
-The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
- -- Bulwer
-%
-The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
-%
-The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
-always end up on their ends without any means.
- -- Saul Alinsky
-%
-The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
-Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
-%
-The meek don't want it.
-%
-The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
-time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
- -- J. P. Getty
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the Earth.
-(But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
-%
-The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
-%
-The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
-chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
- -- Carl G. Jung
-%
-[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
-undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
-for impotency.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
- "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
- "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
- "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
-%
-The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
-devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
- -- Lew Mammel, Jr.
-%
-The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
-System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
-error:
-
-The operation completed successfully.
-
-For more information, see Help and Support Center at
-http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
-%
-The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
-%
-The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
-mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
-being who produces the impressions.
- -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
-%
-The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
-general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
-any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
-not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
-Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
-Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
-predictive power.
- -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
- Thinking"
-%
-The Modelski Chain Rule:
-1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
- head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
- Hewlett-Packard.
-2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
- bright-looking individual.
-3: Procure a large chain.
-4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
- with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
- Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
- thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
-%
-The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
-themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
-of the bicuspids?"
- -- The Old Man and his Bridge
-%
-The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
- -- Nicol Williamson
-%
-The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
-%
-The moon is made of green cheese.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
-%
-The Moral Majority is neither.
-%
-The more control, the more that requires control.
-%
-The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
-the odds that the competition already has the order.
-%
-The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
-%
-The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
-lower the mailing cost.
- -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-The more I know men the more I like my horse.
-%
-The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
- -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696)
-%
-The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
- -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
-%
-The more laws and order are made prominent,
-the more thieves and robbers there will be.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-The more the merrier.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-The more they over-think the plumbing
-the easier it is to stop up the drain.
-%
-The more things change, the more they remain the same.
- -- Alphonse Karr
-%
-The more things change, the more they stay insane.
-%
-The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
-%
-The more we disagree, the more chance
-there is that at least one of us is right.
-%
-The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
-%
-The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
-%
-The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
-First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
-three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
-%
-The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
-%
-The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
- -- Andy Warhol
-%
-The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
-%
-The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
-exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
-rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
-flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
-have the good fortune to find one.
- -- Carlyle
-%
-The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
-family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
-of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
- -- Derek Wills
-%
-The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
-in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
- -- American proverb
-%
-The most dangerous organization in America today is:
-
- a) The KKK
- b) The American Nazi Party
- c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
-%
-The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
-the country is the one on which you resell it.
- -- J. Brecheux
-%
-The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
-is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
-%
-The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
-to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
- -- Theodore H. White
-%
-The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
-%
-The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
-not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
- -- Alfred De Musset
-%
-The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
-discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
- -- Isaac Asimov
-%
-The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
-ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
-it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
-woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
-the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
-bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
-in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
-starts a long, long time before the event.
- -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
- from "Congress Eate It Up"
-%
-...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
-freshman English at a Midwestern university.
- -- Tom Wolfe
-%
-The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
-of a deaf man to a blind woman.
- -- Samuel T. Coleridge
-%
-The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
-%
-The most important early product on the way
-to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
-%
-The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
-people to approach printed matter with distrust.
-%
-The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
-is that one of them be good at taking orders.
- -- Linda Festa
-%
-The most important things, each person must do for himself.
-%
-The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
- -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
-%
-The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
-conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
-participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
-organization.
- The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
-organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
-orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
-know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
-every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
- But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
-New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
- A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
-Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
-weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
-a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
-with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
-Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
-white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
-so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
-or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
-possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
-lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
-demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
-astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
-an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
-radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
-existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
-and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
-broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'"
- -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
-%
-The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
-served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
-been found.
- -- Calvin Trillin
-%
-The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
-biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
-them were fishermen.
- -- Arthur Binstead
-%
-The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
- The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
-Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
-several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
-the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
-to commit adultery.
- Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
-country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
-the printers L3,000.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
-children for their insurance money.
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
-%
-The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
- Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
-Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
- Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
-%
-The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
-perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
-seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
-%
-The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
- -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
-%
-The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
-1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
- -- David Letterman
-%
-The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
- Support your right to bare arms!
-%
-The nearer to the church, the further from God.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
- -- John Gilmore
-%
-The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
-in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
-occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
- -- James "Kibo" Parry
-%
-The net of law is spread so wide,
-No sinner from its sweep may hide.
-Its meshes are so fine and strong,
-They take in every child of wrong.
-O wondrous web of mystery!
-Big fish alone escape from thee!
- -- James Jeffrey Roche
-%
-The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
-I hope I don't get run over again.
-%
-The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
-doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
-%
-THE NEW RIGHT:
- A javelin team that elects to receive.
-%
-The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
-in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
-
- But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
- for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
-
- -- Matthew 5:37
-%
-The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
-Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
-The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
-and running the country ...
- -- Robert J. Woodhead
-%
-The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
-to me is going to have his head knocked off.
- -- Bill Conrad
-%
-The next thing I say to you will be true.
-The last thing I said was false.
-%
-The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
- -- Lucille S. Harper
-%
-The nice thing about standards
-is that there are so many of them to choose from.
- -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
-%
-The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
-%
-The night passes quickly when you're asleep
-But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
-...
-Breakfast at the Egg House,
-Like the waffle on the griddle,
-I'm burnt around the edges,
-But I'm tender in the middle.
- -- Adrian Belew
-%
-The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
-rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
-bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
-'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
- -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
-%
-The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
-remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
- -- Dennis M. Ritchie
-%
-The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
-serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
-these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
-function is to serve as checks upon the state.
- -- Alan Barth
-%
-The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
-correct.
- -- Ralph Hartley
-%
-The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
-proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
-%
-The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
-of the barbecue.
-%
-The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
-increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
-%
-The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
- -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
-%
-The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
-is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
-is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
- -- Robert Woodhead
-%
-The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
-all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
-answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
-when called upon.
- However...
-When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
-yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
-%
-The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
-%
-The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
-
- Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
- Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
- of Corporate Planning."
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
-
- Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
- you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
- is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
- unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
-%
-The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
-
- Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
- remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
- some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
- like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
- office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
- god at 8:15 the next morning.
-%
-The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
-is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
-more like fourteen.
- -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
-%
-The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
-New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
-they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
- "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
-taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
-%
-THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
-to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the
-floor.
-
-"Sorry," he said with a smile.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
-%
-The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
-Let the reader catch his own breath.
- -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
-%
-The older I grow, the more I distrust the
-familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The one good thing about repeating your
-mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
-%
-The one L lama, he's a priest
-The two L llama, he's a beast
-And I will bet my silk pyjama
-There isn't any three L lllama.
- -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
- his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
-%
-The One Page Principle:
- A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
- cannot be understood.
- -- Mark Ardis
-%
-The one sure way to make a lazy man look
-respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
-%
-The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
- -- Abbey Hoffman
-%
-The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
- -- Pliny the Elder
-%
-The only constant is change.
-%
-The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
-right turn on a red light.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
-that the car salesman knows he's lying.
-%
-The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
-%
-The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
-every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The only difference in the game of love over the last few
-thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
- -- The Indianapolis Star
-%
-The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
-respectable.
- -- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
-The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
-experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
-thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
-could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
-swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
-much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
-oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
-it and are delighted.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
-that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
-beyond this they have no legitimacy.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
-The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
-is your husband.
-%
-The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
-mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
-the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
-like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
- -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
-%
-The only people who make love all the time are liars.
- -- Louis Jordan
-%
-The only perfect science is hind-sight.
-%
-The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
-%
-The only possible interpretation of any research
-whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
- -- Ernest Rutherford
-%
-The only problem with being a man of leisure
-is that you can never stop and take a rest.
-%
-The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
- -- Phaedrus
-%
-The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
-be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
-be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
-you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
- -- Bill Veeck
-%
-The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
-plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
-other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
- -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
-%
-The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
-%
-The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
-for getting acquainted.
- -- Heywood Broun
-%
-The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
- -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
- Over and Over"
-%
-The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
-%
-The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
-has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
-finished, and put inside boxes.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
-of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
- -- Colette
-%
-The only reward of virtue is virtue.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-The only rose without thorns is friendship.
-%
-The only thing better than love is milk.
-%
-The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
-%
-The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
-us nothing.
- -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
-%
-The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
-the first one was useless.
- -- Nicolas Chamfort
-%
-The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
- -- Earl Warren
-
-That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
-the lessons that history has to teach.
- -- Aldous Huxley
-
-We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
- -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
-
-HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
-nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
-this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
- -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
-%
-The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
-history.
- -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
-
-I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
-long view.
- -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
-%
-The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
-he has lost over the years.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
- -- C. Schultz
-%
-The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
-and guilt.
- -- Elvis Costello
-%
-The only way to amuse some people
-is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
-%
-The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
-drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
- -- David Gerrold
-%
-The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
-in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
- -- Jean de la Bruyere
-%
-The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
-until 5 or 6 PM.
-%
-The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
-of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- -- Niels Bohr
-%
-The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
- -- Niels Bohr
-%
-The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
-waiting.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
-and the pessimist knows it.
- -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
-
-Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
-almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
-possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
- -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
-%
-The optimum committee has no members.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-The opulence of the front office door varies
-inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
-%
-The orders come down and they march us away.
-There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
-God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
-But it's better than working for Xerox.
- -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
-%
-The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
-went back in time.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-The other line moves faster.
-%
-The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
-a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
-with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
-English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
-pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
-head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
-table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
-dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
-went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
-evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
-a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
-never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
-%
-The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
-%
-The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
- -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
-%
-The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
-she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
- "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
- "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
-%
-The past always looks better than it was.
-It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
- -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
-%
-The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
-were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The people sensible enough to give
-good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
-%
-The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
-not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
-waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
-In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
-person you have always wanted to be.
- -- Nancy Friday
-%
-The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
- -- Charles Pierce
-%
-The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
-but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
-quality of joy.
- -- Erica Jong
-%
-The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
-%
-The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
-%
-The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
-%
-The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
-%
-The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
-market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
-is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
- -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
-%
-The philosopher's treatment of a question
-is like the treatment of an illness.
- -- Wittgenstein
-%
-The Phone Booth Rule:
- A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
-%
-The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
-Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
-Let others think his heart is big,
-I think it stupid of the Pig.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
-and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
-connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
-fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
-blound by the sun and he dropped it.
- -- Dizzy Dean
-%
-The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
- -- David Lardner
-%
-The Poems, all three hundred of them,
-may be summed up in one of their phrases:
-"Let our thoughts be correct".
- -- Confucius
-%
-The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
- The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
-Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
-verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
- In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
-work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
-lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
- High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
-rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
-the higher emotions.
- She would me "Honey" call,
- She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
- But now alas! She's left me
- Falero, lero, loo.
- Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
-was her prudent choice of footwear.
- The fives did fit her shoe.
- In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
-the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
-Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
-begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
-"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
-worst poet in England."
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
-and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
- -- Celine
-%
-The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
-trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
-save your sanity for later.
-%
-The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
-addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
-important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
-expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
-we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
-true distaste.
- -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
- Correct Behavior"
-%
-The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
-To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
- -- Buckminster Fuller
-%
-The pollution's at that awkward stage.
-Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
- -- Doug Sneyd
-%
-The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
-often.
-%
-The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
- -- Anthony Burgess
-%
-The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
-prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
-or to the people.
- -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
-%
-The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
- Were each of them once a kiddie.
-A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
- Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
-brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
-Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
- -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
-%
-The prettiest women are almost always the most
-boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
- -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-The price of greatness is responsibility.
-%
-The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
-they might force their beliefs on us.
- -- Mario Cuomo
-%
-The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
- -- C. Glymour
-%
-The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
-knowledge of its ugly side.
- -- James Baldwin
-%
-The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
-warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
-changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
-marker.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
-difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
-%
-The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
-instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
-variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
-of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
-program, should the value of pi change.
- -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
-%
-The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
-voters to win the next election.
-%
-The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
-represents the secondary theme:
-
- Law Enforcement Officials
-
-The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
-
- Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
- -- M. Gallaher
-%
-The probability of someone watching you is directly
-proportional to the stupidity of your action.
-%
-The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
-Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
-using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
-Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
-etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
-bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
-of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
-developed cancer.
- -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
-a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
- -- Mike Smith
-%
-The problem with any unwritten law is that
-you don't know where to go to erase it.
- -- Glaser and Way
-%
-The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
-to sleep every few days.
-%
-The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
-time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
-government because they could not keep up.
- -- Idi Amin Dada
-%
-The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
-for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
-requires intent.
-%
-The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
-be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
- -- Elizabeth Taylor
-%
-The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
-%
-The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
-for incompetence.
-%
-The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
-particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
-with sloppy English.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
-stable business.
- -- John Steinbeck
-%
-The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
-%
-The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
-and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
-horse.
- -- Jac Goudsmit
-%
-The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
-thoughts about their neighbours.
- -- F. H. Bradley
-%
-The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
-outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
-since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
-victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
-running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
-raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
-certainties.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
-%
-The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
-because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
- -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
-%
-The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
-not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
-engineers.
-%
-The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
- "My brain is paged out to my liver"
-%
-The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
-%
-The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
-join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
-attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
-sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
-whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
-contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
-remain each in their own position.
- -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
- Queen Victoria
-%
-The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
-it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
-that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
-industrial waste?
- -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
-%
-The questions remain the same.
-The answers are eternally variable.
-%
-The Rabbits The Cow
-Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
-That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-The race is not always to the swift, nor the
-battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
- -- Damon Runyon
-%
-The rain it raineth on the just
-And also on the unjust fella:
-But chiefly on the just, because
-The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
- -- Lord Bowen
-%
-The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
-%
-The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
-measurement of the speed of blight.
-%
-The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
-illiterates can read.
- -- Alberto Moravia
-%
-The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
-cursed.
-%
-The real man's Bloody Mary:
- Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
- sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
-
- Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
- Throw all the other ingredients away.
-%
-The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
-%
-The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
- -- Christopher Morley
-%
-The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
-a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
-%
-The real reason psychology is hard is that
-psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
-%
-The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
-%
-The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
-%
-The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
-which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
-Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
-Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
- -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
-%
-The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
- -- Don Rose
-%
-The reason that every major university maintains a department of
-mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
-people.
-%
-The reason they're called wisdom teeth
-is that the experience makes you wise.
-%
-The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
-absolutely not.
- -- Bill Gates
-%
-The reason why worry kills more people
-than work is that more people worry than work.
-%
-The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
-persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
-progress depends on the unreasonable man.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
-financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
-a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
-industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
-nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
- -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
-%
-The relative importance of files depends on their cost
-in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
- -- T. A. Dolotta
-%
-The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
-of a Dodge Dart.
- -- Lisa Alther
-%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a hen a most elegant creature.
- The hen, pleased with that,
- Laid an egg in his hat --
-And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
- -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%
-The reverse side also has a reverse side.
- -- Japanese proverb
-%
-The revolution will not be televised.
-%
-The reward for working hard is more hard work.
-%
-The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-The rhino is a homely beast,
-For human eyes he's not a feast.
-Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
-I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
-The haves get more, the have-nots die.
-%
-The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
-This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
-%
-The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
-and to his imagination for his facts.
- -- Sheridan
-%
-The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
-taken seriously.
- -- Hubert H. Humphrey
-%
-The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
- -- Justice Douglas
-%
-The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
- -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
-%
-The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
-for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
-infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
-upon the successful management of which so much remains.
- -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
-%
-The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
-House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
-you have and what rights you have not got.
- -- J. Parnell Thomas
-%
-The ripest fruit falls first.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
-%
-The road to Hades is easy to travel.
- -- Bion
-%
-The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
-sloppy analysis!
-%
-The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
- -- J. Gooding
-%
-The road to ruin is always in good repair,
-and the travellers pay the expense of it.
- -- Josh Billings
-%
-The Roman Rule
- The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
- one who is doing it.
-%
-The root of all superstition is that men
-observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
- -- Francis Bacon
-%
-The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
-%
-The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
-his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
-one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
-take it too seriously.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
-The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
-give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
- -- Jane Bryant Quinn
-%
-The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
-can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
-it through power, violence or weapons.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-The rules:
-
-1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
-2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
- the console keyboard.
-3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
- card decks together.
-4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
- especially if you're already married.
-5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
- a stool to reach another disk pack.
-6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
- shift.
-7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
- files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
-8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job.
-9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
-10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
-%
-The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
-That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
- -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
-award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
-gesture by the individual to himself.
- -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
-%
-The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
-%
-The savior becomes the victim.
-%
-The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
-
-Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
-Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
-
-Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
-%
-"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
-%
-The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
-showed that all had these things in common:
-
- (1) They all had moderate appetites.
- (2) They all came from middle class homes.
- (3) All but two of them were dead.
-%
-The scum also rises.
- -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
-password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
- -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
-%
-The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
-a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
-of civilization.
- -- T. K.
-%
-The second best policy is dishonesty.
-%
-The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
- If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
- -- Jim Warner
-%
-The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
-%
-The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
-%
-The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
-you've got it made.
- -- Jean Giraudoux
-%
-The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
-there is no humor in Heaven.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
-beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
- -- Harry Skelton
-%
-The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
-respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
-from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
-millstones are lifted.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
-reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
-Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
-of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
-him are dead, he is alive.
- Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
-everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
-host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
-equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
- "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
- Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
- -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
-%
-The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
-and sixth years.
-%
-The sheep died in the wool.
-%
-The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
-%
-The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
- -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
-%
-The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
-%
-The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
- -- Noelie Alito
-%
-The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
- -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
-%
-The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
-voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
- -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
-%
-The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
- The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
-in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
-way.)
- -- Dan Roddick
-%
-The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
- -- [just say that five times...]
-%
-The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
- -- Judge Harold T. Stone
-%
-The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-%
-The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
-And surly Winter grimly flies.
-Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
-And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
-Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
-The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
-All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
-And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
-
-The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
-The yellow Autumn presses near;
-Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
-Till smiling Spring again appear.
-Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
-Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
-But never ranging, still unchanging,
-I adore my bonnie Bell.
- -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
-%
-The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
-"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
-while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
-one can see only a very few things at once.
- -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
-%
-The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
-rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
- -- Max Lerner
-%
-The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
-tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
-have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
-its theories will hold water.
-%
-The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
-He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
-The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
-And slowly she let him inside.
-
-He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
-But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
-And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
-And now will you tell me why?"
- -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
-%
-The solution of problems is the most characteristic
-and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
- -- William James
-%
-The solution of this problem is trivial
-and is left as an exercise for the reader.
-%
-The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
-his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
-sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
-active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
-exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
-dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
- For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
-vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
-was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
-horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
- For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
-The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
-the table as the children gathered around him.
- He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
- There was total silence.
- He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
- Total silence.
- Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
-sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
-%
-The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
- -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
-%
-The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
-%
-The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
-able to correct them.
- -- Nicolaides
-%
-The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
-%
-The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
-In town a noun might wear a gown,
-or further down, might dress a clown.
-A noun that's sound would never clown,
-but unsound nouns jump up and down.
-The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
-and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
-But please don't let that get you down,
-the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
- -- A. Nonnie Mouse
-%
-The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
-readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
-some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
-reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
-the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
-known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
-Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
-of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
-psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
-Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
-these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
-further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
-something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
-the Russians.
- -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
-%
-The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
-themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
-against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
-Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
- -- Dennis Miller
-%
-The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
-%
-The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
-philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
-is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
-reality.
- -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
-%
-The star of riches is shining upon you.
-%
-The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
-written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
-follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
-of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
-the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
-in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
-died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
-back by years.
- -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
-%
-The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
-%
-The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
- -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
-%
-The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
-thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
-
- -- Thucydides
-%
-The steady state of disks is full.
- -- Ken Thompson
-%
-The story of the butterfly:
- "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
-a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
-out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
-the third day, I heard a knock."
- "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
-there was nothing."
- "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
- -- Peter Carey, BLISS
-%
-The story you are about to hear is true.
-Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
-%
-The street preacher looked so baffled
-When I asked him why he dressed
-With forty pounds of headlines
-Stapled to his chest.
-But he cursed me when I proved to him
-I said, "Not even you can hide.
-You see, you're just like me.
-I hope you're satisfied."
- -- Bob Dylan
-%
-The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
-them unsafe.
- -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
-%
-The streets were dark with something more than night.
- -- Raymond Chandler
-%
-The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
-%
-The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
-can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
-existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
-that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition --
-that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
-He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
-by the values he wills.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
-is an emerging underachiever.
-%
-The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
-biology.
-%
-"The subspace _\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _\bV. And there aren't
-even any property taxes."
- -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
-%
-The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
-yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
- -- The Silver Surfer
-%
-The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
-The population is, of course, growing.
-%
-The sum of the Universe is zero.
-%
-The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
- -- RKO
-%
-The sun was shining on the sea,
-Shining with all his might:
-He did his very best to make
-The billows smooth and bright --
-And this was very odd, because it was
-The middle of the night.
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
-The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
- -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
-%
-The superfluous is very necessary.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-The superior man understands what is right;
-the inferior man understands what will sell.
- -- Confucius
-%
-The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
-way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
-whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
-side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
-Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
-speak of the room.
- -- Henry Kissinger
-%
-The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
-%
-The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
-%
-The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
-esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-The surest way to remain a winner is to
-win once, and then not play any more.
-%
-The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
-Scratch a lover and find a foe!
- -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
-%
-The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
-%
-The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
-%
-The Tao doesn't take sides;
-it gives birth to both wins and losses.
-The Guru doesn't take sides;
-she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
-
-The Tao is like a stack:
-the data changes but not the structure.
-the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
-the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
-
-Hold on to the root.
-%
-The Tao is like a glob pattern:
-used but never used up.
-It is like the extern void:
-filled with infinite possibilities.
-
-It is masked but always present.
-I don't know who built to it.
-It came before the first kernel.
-%
-The tao that can be tar(1)ed
-is not the entire Tao.
-The path that can be specified
-is not the Full Path.
-
-We declare the names
-of all variables and functions.
-Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
-
-Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
-Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
-
-Yet magic and hierarchy
-arise from the same source,
-and this source has a null pointer.
-
-Reference the NULL within NULL,
-it is the gateway to all wizardry.
-%
-The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
-artist never that he is a technician.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
-them a drink.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
-%
-The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
-data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
-shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
-as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
-radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
-as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
-receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
-Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
-of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
-the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
-i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
-the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
-temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
-temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
-temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
-Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
-part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
-brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
-or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
-then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
- -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
-%
-The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
-culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
-%
-The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
- 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
- capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
- most untechnician-like manner.
-
- 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
- fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
- her in other ways.
-%
-The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
-of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
-as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
-employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
-temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
- -- Kenny's Korner
-%
-The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
-ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
- -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
-%
-The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
- -- Aldo Leopold
-%
-The thing that takes up the least amount of time
-and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
-%
-The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
-%
-The Third Law of Photography:
- If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
- when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
- the dark leaks out.
-%
-The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
-want the job.
- -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
-
-Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
-would have lost.
- -- Mort Sahl
-
-Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
- -- Gore Vidal
-
-Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
-I need a lot of sleep.
- -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
-
-You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
-accurately it's called mudslinging.
- -- Walter Mondale
-%
-The Thought Police are here. They've come
-To put you under cardiac arrest.
-And as they drag you through the door
-They tell you that you've failed the test.
- -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
-%
-The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
-%
-The three biggest software lies:
-
- 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
- 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
- will fix the microcode.
- 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
-%
-The three laws of thermodynamics:
- (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
- (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
- (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
-%
-THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
-
-1) Where's the bathroom?
-2) What time does the parade start?
-3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
-%
-The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
-soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
-an idea.
- -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
-%
-The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
-2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-The three rules of international air travel:
-
-(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
- to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
-(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
- know *exactly* what you're doing.
-(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
-%
-The thrill is here, but it won't last long
-You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
-%
-The time for action is past!
-Now is the time for senseless bickering.
-%
-The time is right to make new friends.
-%
-The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
-committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
- -- C. N. Parkinson
-%
-The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
-The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
-Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
-mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
-men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
-The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
-the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
-Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
-them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
-it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
-choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
-brought."
- -- Alistair Cooke
-%
-The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
- -- Hosea Ballou
-%
-The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
-%
-The tree of research must from time to time
-be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
- -- Alan Kay
-%
-The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
-but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
- -- Little Big Man
-%
-The trouble with a kitten is that
-When it grows up, it's always a cat
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
-%
-The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
-%
-The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
-it.
- -- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-The trouble with being punctual is that people
-think you have nothing more important to do.
-%
-The trouble with computers is that they do
-what you tell them, not what you want.
- -- D. Cohen
-%
-The trouble with doing something right the first
-time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
-%
-The trouble with eating Italian food is that
-five or six days later you're hungry again.
- -- George Miller
-%
-The trouble with heart disease is that the first
-symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
- -- Michael Phelps
-%
-The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
- -- George S. Kaufman
-%
-The trouble with money is it costs too much!
-%
-The trouble with opportunity is that it
-always comes disguised as hard work.
- -- Herbert V. Prochnow
-%
-The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
-and then marry him.
- -- Cher
-%
-The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
- -- Ken Kesey
-%
-The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
-the other fellow of a dull one.
- -- Sid Caesar
-%
-The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
-who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
-all of the people all of the time.
- -- Franklin Adams
-%
-The trouble with you
-Is the trouble with me.
-Got two good eyes
-But we still don't see.
- -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
-%
-The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
-height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
-people stumble than to be walked upon.
- -- Franz Kafka
-%
-The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
- -- Andre Malraux
-%
-The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
- -- Lenny Bruce
-%
-The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
-And vice versa.
-%
-The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
- -- Stanley Kubrick
-%
-The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
- -- Caltech
-%
-The truth you speak has no past and no future.
-It is, and that's all it needs to be.
-%
-The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
-Which practically conceal its sex.
-I think it clever of the turtle
-In such a fix to be so fertile.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- -- Harlan Ellison
-%
-The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
-two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
-by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
- -- I. F. Stone
-%
-The two things that can get you into trouble
-quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
-%
-The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
-annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
-And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
-There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
-So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
-Eh?
-So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh?
-And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
-They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
-Eh?
- -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
-Beauty!
-%
-The ultimate game show will be the one
-where somebody gets killed at the end.
- -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
-%
-The unfacts, did we have them, are too
-imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
-%
-The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
-"100 percent American"...
- -- U.S. Army (1945)
-%
-The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
-%
-The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
-broken.
-%
-The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
-%
-The universe is an island,
-surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
-%
-The universe is laughing behind your back.
-%
-The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
-combination is locked up in the safe.
- -- Peter de Vries
-
-Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
-same safe.
-%
-The Universe is populated by stable things.
- -- Richard Dawkins
-%
-The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
-It cannot be ruled by interfering.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
- -- Sagan
-%
-The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
-Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
-said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
-his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
-%
-The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
-and deviation standard.
-%
-The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
-hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
-%
-The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
-that I assume it must be evil.
- -- Heywood Broun
-%
-The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
-religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
-from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
-yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
-world put together.
- -- Sir Peter Medawar
-%
-The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
-is a symptom of professional immaturity.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
-regarded as a criminal offence.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
-%
-The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
-%
-The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
-the worst cigars.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-The very first essential for success is a perpetually
-constant and regular employment of violence.
- -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
-%
-The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
-prejudice.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
-Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
-to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
-be one of the facts that needs altering.
- -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil"
-%
-The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
- In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
-surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
-gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
-expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
-bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
-The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
-the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
-to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
- -- John Wayne
-%
-The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
- -- Jerry Brown
-%
-The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
-restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
-dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
-sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
-then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
-A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
-to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
-%
-The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
-it's just a tired feeling.
-%
-The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
-%
-The wages of sin are unreported.
-%
-The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
-Constitution.
-%
-The warning message we sent the Russians was a
-calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
- -- Alexander Haig
-%
-The water was not fit to drink.
-To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
-By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
-incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
- -- Emo Philips
-%
-The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
- -- Nathaniel Howe
-%
-The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
-%
-The way to a man's heart is through his
-wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
- -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
-%
-The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
-%
-The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
-%
-The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
-%
-The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
-%
-The way to make a small fortune in the
-commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
-%
-The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
-My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
-My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
-Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
-I feel together today!
- -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
-%
-The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
-%
-The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
-but the leaves are good to smoke!
- -- The Shadow
-%
-The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
- "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
- "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely,
-"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
-The white race is the cancer of history.
- -- Susan Sontag
-%
-The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
- -- Wavy Gravy
-%
-The whole of life is futile unless you
-consider it as a sporting proposition.
-%
-The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
-so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
- -- Peter Beard
-%
-The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
- -- George Gobel
-%
-The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
- Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
-It must have blown through someone's feet,
- Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
- -- P. Opus
-%
-The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
-not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
-should.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-The wise man seeks everything in himself;
-the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
-%
-The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
-%
-The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
-medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
-she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
-live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
-throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
- "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
-to get up in the morning!"
-%
-The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
-is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
-%
-The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
-we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
-and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
-of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
-We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
-ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
- -- Paul Licker
-%
-The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
-designed for people who walk on their hands.
- -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
-%
-The world is a comedy to those who think,
-and a tragedy to those who feel.
- -- Horace Walpole
-%
-The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
-%
-The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
-%
-The world is coming to an end!
-Repent and return those library books!
-%
-The world is full of people who have never, since
-childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
- -- E. B. White
-%
-The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
-it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
- -- E. Hubbard
-%
-The world is not octal despite DEC.
-%
-The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
-It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
-You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
- -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
-%
-The world really isn't any worse.
-It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
-%
-The world wants to be deceived.
- -- Sebastian Brant
-%
-The world's as ugly as sin,
-And almost as delightful.
- -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
-%
-The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
-nor its great scholars great men.
- -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
-%
-The Worst American Poet
- Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
-Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
- Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
-of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
-pen.
- Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
-formula was the same:
- Have you heard of the dreadful fate
- Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife?
- Of their death I will relate,
- And also others lost their life
- (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
- Where so many people died.
- Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
-the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
-river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
-a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
- Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
-suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
-forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
-beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
-
-In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
-Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
-had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
-sheepishly left the building.
-A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
-robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
-5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
-was a practical joke.
-Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
-clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
-trapped in the revolving doors again.
-%
-The Worst Car Hire Service
- When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
-as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
-shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
- He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
-conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
- To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
-he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
-round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
- "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
-admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
-overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
-we might overlook that too."
- "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled
-into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
-ash tray."
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
-
-This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
-expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
-in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The worst is enemy of the bad.
-%
-The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
- -- King Lear
-%
-The Worst Jury
- A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
-one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
-remotest clue what was happening.
- The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
-evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
- The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
-juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
-speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
-was hearing a murder trial.
- The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
-from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
-and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
- The judge ordered a retrial.
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Worst Lines of Verse
-For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
- "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
-Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
-these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
-laughter the instant they were read out.
- No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
-inspired by the subject of war.
- "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
- And the grey roof reddened and rang;
- Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
- The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
-By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
- "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
-While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
- "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
- The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
-George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
- "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
- To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
-William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
- "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
- While in this world, are liable to leak."
-And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
-describing a pond:
- "I've measured it from side to side;
- Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The Worst Musical Trio
- There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
-a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
-instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
-gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
-violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
-unhampered by great musical talent.
- Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
-concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
-A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
-Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
-in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
- "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
-"and it will be a sell out."
- Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
-audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
-asked for someone to turn his pages.
- In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
-volunteered and made his way to the stage.
- The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
-music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
-Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
-the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
-But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The worst part of having success is trying
-to find someone who is happy for you.
- -- Bette Midler
-%
-The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
-%
-The Worst Prison Guards
- The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
-maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
-near Lisbon in Portugal.
- During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
-warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
-included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
-of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
-planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
-not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
-"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
-water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
-The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
-prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
-because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
-the next morning.
- "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
-one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
-eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's
-population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
-Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
-"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
- -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-%
-The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
-but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
-are sober.
- -- William Butler Yeats
-%
-The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
-wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
-if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
- -- David Viscott
-%
-The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
-They were just the first not to crash.
-%
-The yankees, son, are up north.
-The damnyankees are down here.
-%
-The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
-four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
-the answers.
-%
-The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
- "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
- "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
-%
-The young lady had an unusual list,
-Linked in part to a structural weakness.
-She set no preconditions.
-%
-The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
-to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
-found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
-He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
-rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
-golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
-"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
- "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
-they only charge $1 a ball!"
- "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
-rooms."
-%
-THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
-%
-Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
-and you'd better not refuse.
-%
-Them as has, gets.
-%
-Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
-
-He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
-then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
-market.
-
-If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
-not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
-
-Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
-Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
-Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
- -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
-%
-Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
-incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
-acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
- -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
-%
-Then here's to the City of Boston,
-The town of the cries and the groans.
-Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
-And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
- -- Franklin Pierce Adams
-%
-Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
-I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
-right.
- -- P. J. O'Rourke
-%
-Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
-%
-Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
-Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
-when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
-to the "W" on the dial.
-
-Moral:
- He who has a Tates is lost!
-%
-Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
-it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
-Proof:
- No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
- Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
-%
-Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
-Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
- Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
- (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
-
-Proceed by induction:
- If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
- So A = B.
-
-Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
- MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
- (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
-%
-Theorem: All programs are dull.
-
-Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
-nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
-sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
-the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
-the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
- -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
-%
-THEORY:
- System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
- originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
- it will look in print.
-%
-Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-Theory of Selective Supervision:
- The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
- the one time the boss walks through the office.
-%
-There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
-armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
-shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
-realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
-body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
-sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
-He speaks with a commanding voice:
-
- "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
-
-As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
-%
-There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
-the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
- -- Harvey Wheeler
-%
-There are a few things that never go out of style,
-and a feminine woman is one of them.
- -- Ralston
-%
-There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-There are bad times just around the corner,
-There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
-And it's no good whining
-About a silver lining
-For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
- -- Noel Coward
-%
-There are few people more often in the wrong
-than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
-%
-There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
-and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
- -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
-%
-There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
-jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
- -- Ed Howdershelt
-%
-There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
-and praiseworthy ...
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
-the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
-cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- -- Norman Mailer
-%
-There are many intelligent species in
-the universe, and they all own cats.
-%
-There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
-about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
-about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
-get it in the winter.
- -- Bat Masterson
-%
-There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
-friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
-avoiding a great deal of pain.
-%
-There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
- -- Eugene Ionesco
-%
-There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
-%
-There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
-%
-There are more things in heaven and earth,
-Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
- -- Hamlet
-%
-There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
-%
-There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
-%
-There are new messages.
-%
-There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
- -- Baba Ram Dass
-%
-There are no answers, only cross-references.
- -- Weiner
-%
-There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
-are chosen correctly.
-%
-There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
-%
-There are no games on this system.
-%
-There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
- -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
-%
-There are no great men, only great challenges that
-ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
- -- Admiral William Halsey
-%
-There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
- -- The Duke of Wellington
-%
-There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
-of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
-competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
-some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
- -- Richard Davisson
-%
-There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
-of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
-%
-There are no winners in life, only survivors.
-%
-There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
-%
-There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
-taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
- -- shades
-%
-There are people so addicted to exaggeration
-that they can't tell the truth without lying.
- -- Josh Billings
-%
-There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
-in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
-people who find nothing odd about it.
- -- Calvin Trillin
-%
-There are places I'll remember
-All my life though some have changed.
-Some forever not for better
-Some have gone and some remain.
-All these places had their moments
-With lovers and friends I still recall.
-Some are dead and some are living,
-In my life I've loved them all.
-
-But of all these friends and lovers,
-There is no one compared with you,
-All these memories lose their meaning
-When I think of love as something new.
-Though I know I'll never lose affection
-For people and things that went before,
-I know I'll often stop and think about them
-In my life I'll love you more.
- -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
-%
-There are running jobs.
-Why don't you go chase them?
-%
-There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
-plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
-and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
-don't we all?
-%
-There are strange things done in the midnight sun
- By the men who moil for gold;
-The Arctic trails have their secret tales
- That would make your blood run cold;
-The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
- But the queerest they ever did see
-Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
- I cremated Sam McGee.
- -- Robert W. Service
-%
-There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
-is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
- -- David Nichols
-%
-There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
-fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
-and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
-wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
-your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
- -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
-%
-There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli
-%
-There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
-%
-There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
-from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
-loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
-%
-There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
-offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
-a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
-of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
-affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
-When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
-Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
- -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
-%
-There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
-engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
-the more certain.
- -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
-%
-There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
-the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
-world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
-long winter evenings.
- -- Quentin Crisp
-%
-There are three rules for writing a novel.
-Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
-changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
-Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
-science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
-by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
-%
-There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
-can't remember.
- -- Italo Svevo
-%
-There are three things I have always loved
-and never understood -- art, music, and women.
-%
-There are three things men can do with women:
-love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
- -- Stephen Stills
-%
-There are three ways to get something done:
- 1: Do it yourself.
- 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
- 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
-%
-There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
-one of them.
-%
-There are twenty-five people left in the world,
-and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
- -- Ed Sanders
-%
-There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
-together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
-struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
-the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
-room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
- "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
- Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
-you?"
- "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
- "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
- "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
-I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
-Man it is smokin'!"
- "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
-tell me more!"
- "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
-and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
-I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
- "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
-%
-There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
-And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."
- -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
-%
-There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
- -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
-%
-There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
-the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
-sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
- -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
-We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
- -- Jeremy S. Anderson
-%
-There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
-like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
-%
-There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
-%
-There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
-marriage and after marriage.
-%
-There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
-make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
-other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
-deficiencies.
- -- C. A. R. Hoare
-%
-There are two ways of disliking art.
-One is to dislike it.
-The other is to like it rationally.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-There are two ways of disliking poetry;
-one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-There are two ways to write error-free
-programs; only the third one works.
-%
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be
-solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-%
-There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
-with an insurance salesman?
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
-of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
-rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
-together we'll face the world.
- -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
-%
-There but for the grace of God, goes God.
- -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
-%
-There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
- -- Ralph Nader
-%
-There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
- -- R. W. Gerard
-%
-There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- -- Henry Kissinger
-%
-There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
-has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-There comes a time to stop being angry.
- -- A Small Circle of Friends
-%
-There exist tasks which cannot be done
-by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
- -- Steele's Law
-%
-There goes the good time that was had by all.
- -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
-%
-There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
-For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
-permissions for everyone, you could say
-
- #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
-
- I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
-hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
-from its uses.
- To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
-is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
-the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
-being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
-name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
--- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
-recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
-was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
- -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
-%
-There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
- -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
-%
-There has been an alarming increase in the
-number of things you know nothing about.
-%
-There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
-%
-There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
-is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
-vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
-stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
-
-Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
- elevator with one other person from each floor?
-A: The elevator would be full.
-%
-There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
-is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
-you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
- -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles"
-%
-There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
-opinion.
- -- Anatole France
-%
-There is a fly on your nose.
-%
-There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
-and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
-each other's throat.
- -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
-%
-There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
-that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
-%
-There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
-%
-There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
-his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
- -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
-There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
-tied during the month of April.
-%
-There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
- -- Walt Disney
-%
-There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
-wooden toilet seats.
-
-It's called the Birch John Society.
-%
-There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
-Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
-Fatherland.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
-what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
-disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
-inexplicable.
-
-There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
-%
-There is a time in the tides of men,
-Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
-On the other hand, don't count on it.
- -- T. K. Lawson
-%
-There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
-is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-There is always more hell that needs raising.
- -- Lauren Leveut
-%
-There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
-somebody out.
- -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
-%
-There is always someone worse off than yourself.
-%
-There is always something new out of Africa.
- -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
-%
-There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
-has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
-"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-There is brutality and there is honesty.
-There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
-%
-There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
-Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
-a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
- -- Joel Achenbach
-%
-There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
-having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
-whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
-gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
-most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
- -- Darwin
-%
-There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
-not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
-%
-There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
- -- Arthur C. Clarke
-%
-There is in certain living souls
-A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
-So great it must be shared
-As company is shared by lesser beings.
-Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
-That in immensity
-There is one lonelier than you.
-%
-There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
-however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
-Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
-discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
-on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
-even highly probable.
- -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
-%
-There *_\bi_\bs* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
-%
-There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
-and we will conquer. Follow me.
- -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
-%
-There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
-man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-There is more to life than increasing its speed.
- -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
-%
-There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
- -- Darth Vader
-%
-There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
-always enough time to do it over.
-%
-There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
-%
-There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
-is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
-%
-There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
-No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
- -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
-%
-There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
-the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
-civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
-We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
-striving of the human race.
- -- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
-There is no comfort without pain; thus
-we define salvation through suffering.
- -- Cato
-%
-There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
- -- George Santayana
-%
-There is no delight the equal of dread.
-As long as it is somebody else's.
- -- Clive Barker
-%
-There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
-%
-There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
-filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
-as "unearned income."
- -- Michael Lara
-%
-There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
-education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
-%
-There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
-parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
-child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
-picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
-Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
- -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
-%
-There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
-%
-There is no fool to the old fool.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-There is no future in time travel.
-%
-There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
-%
-There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
-armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
- -- Ernest Hemingway
-%
-There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
- -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
-%
-There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
-the dirt doesn't get any worse.
- -- Quentin Crisp
-%
-There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
- -- George Francis Gillette
-%
-There is no point in waiting.
-The train stopped running years ago.
-All the schedules, the brochures,
-The bright-colored posters full of lies,
-Promise rides to a distant country
-That no longer exists.
-%
-There is no proverb that is not true.
- -- Cervantes
-%
-There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
-tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
-abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
-war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
-of course.
- -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
-%
-There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
- -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
- Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
-%
-There is no royal road to geometry.
- -- Euclid
-%
-There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
-%
-There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
- -- General Douglas MacArthur
-%
-There is no sin but ignorance.
- -- Christopher Marlowe
-%
-There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
-%
-There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
-%
-There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
-%
-There is no such thing as a free lunch.
-%
-There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
-%
-There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
-the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
- -- Christian Dior
-%
-There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
-%
-There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
-Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
-some anxiety always goes with it.
-%
-There is no time like the pleasant.
-%
-There is no time like the present
-for postponing what you ought to be doing.
-%
-There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
-There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
-%
-There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
-family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
-the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
-live as cheap as the people.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
-us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
- -- Augier
-%
-There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
- -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
-%
-There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
- -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
-%
-There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
- -- Marie Antoinette
-%
-There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
-when you do it reluctantly.
- -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
-comes to visit.
-%
-There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
-a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
- "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
-an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
- "I could have answered it if I had been there."
- "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
-the middle of the night?'"
-%
-There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
-%
-There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
-ocean level wouldn't cure.
- -- Ross MacDonald
-%
-There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
-is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
-%
-There is one difference between a tax collector and
-a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
- -- Mortimer Caplan
-%
-There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
-"Yes" you know he is crooked.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-There is only one thing in the world worse than being
-talked about, and that is not being talked about.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
- -- Paul Bourget
-%
-There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein
-%
-There is only one way to kill capitalism --
-by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
- -- Karl Marx
-%
-There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
-and that word is blackmail.
- -- Colm Brogan
-%
-There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
-it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
- -- James Boswell
-%
-There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-There is something in the pang of change
-More than the heart can bear,
-Unhappiness remembering happiness.
- -- Euripides
-%
-There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
-%
-There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
-%
-There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
-constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
-who do not.
- -- Robert Benchley
-%
-There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
-States; of course, I never heard the story before.
-%
-There must be more to life than having everything.
- -- Maurice Sendak
-%
-There never was a good war or a bad peace.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
-king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
-in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
-to the prince:
- "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
-half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
-what would your decision be, my son?"
- The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
-her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
- The king knew that his son would be a great king.
-%
-There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
-king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
-in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
-to the prince:
- "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
-half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
-what would your decision be, my son?"
- The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
-her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
-that I had promised."
- The king knew that his son would be a great king.
-%
-There seems no plan because it is all plan.
- -- C. S. Lewis
-%
-There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
- -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
-%
-There was a little girl
-Who had a little curl
-Right in the middle of her forehead.
-When she was good, she was very, very good
-And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
- -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
-%
-There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
-with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
-was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
-over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
-to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
-and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
-able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
-around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
-him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
-to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
-hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
-the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
-cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
-her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
-course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
-sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
-to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
- "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
-%
-There was a phone call for you.
-%
-There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
-left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
-Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
-they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
-out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
-the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
-with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
-We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
-to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
-%
-There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
-no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
-every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
-insupportable.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
-%
-There was a young man from LeDoux,
-Whose limericks stopped at line two.
-
-There was a young man from Verdunne.
-
- [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
- is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
- mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
-%
-There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
-both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
-talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
-during the trial.
- -- David Letterman
-%
-There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
-their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
-of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
-couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
-blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
-on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
-baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
-were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
-of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
-The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
-the squaws of the other two hides.
-%
-There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
-in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
-that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
-practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
-to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
-necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
-(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
- -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
-%
-There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
-Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
-you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
-should I do?"
- "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
-like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
-you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
- "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
- A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
-in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
-pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
-he tells the counterman.
- The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
-"You must be from New York."
- The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
-you know?"
- "Because this is a hardware store."
-%
-There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
-the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
-digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
-8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
-transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
-stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
-feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
-systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
-first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
-satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
-telephone business?
-%
-There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
-the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
-%
-There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
-%
-There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
-this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
- -- Machiavelli
-%
-There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
-ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
-pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
-hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
-least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
-Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
-pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
- -- Shirley Povich, 1941
-%
-There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
-a fence.
-%
-There's a lesson that I need to remember
-When everything is falling apart
-In life, just like in loving
-There's such a thing as trying to hard
-
-You've gotta sing
-Like you don't need the money
-Love like you'll never get hurt
-You've gotta dance
-Like nobody's watching
-It's gotta come from the heart
-If you want it to work.
- -- Kathy Mattea
-%
-There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
-allows you to install Windows.
- -- Matthew D. Fuller
-%
-There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
-%
-There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
-and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
-little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
-A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
-there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
-The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
-it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
-said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
-on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
-his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
-spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
-quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
-and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
-%
-There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
-The corporation that we represent.
-We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
-Of that man of men our sterling president
-The name of T. J. Watson means
-A courage none can stem
-And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
- -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
-%
-There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
-recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
-let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
-or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
-a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
-rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
-living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
-action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
-best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
-We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
-are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
-along -- quite gracefully.
- -- Ellen Goodman
-%
-There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
- -- Doug Clifford
-%
-There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
-%
-There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
-%
-There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
-don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
-to me.
- -- John Wayne
-%
-There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
-%
-There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
-%
-There's little in taking or giving,
- There's little in water or wine:
-This living, this living, this living,
- Was never a project of mine.
-Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
- The gain of the one at the top,
-For art is a form of catharsis,
- And love is a permanent flop,
-And work is the province of cattle,
- And rest's for a clam in a shell,
-So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
- Would you kindly direct me to hell?
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
-whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
-There's no justice in this world.
- -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
- by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
- Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
- Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
- instead)
-%
-There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
- -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
-%
-There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
-any worse.
-%
-There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
- -- Raoul Duke
-%
-There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
-%
-There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
-what you're talking about.
- -- John von Neumann
-%
-There's no such thing as a free lunch.
- -- Milton Friendman
-%
-There's no such thing as an original sin.
- -- Elvis Costello
-%
-There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
-working for you.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
-%
-There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
-armadillos.
- -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
-%
-There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
-neckline to keep a man on his toes.
-%
-There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man
-appreciate his wife.
- -- Clare Booth Luce
-%
-There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
-%
-There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
-%
-There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
-keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
- -- J. S. Bach
-%
-There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
-work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
- -- Mike Smith
-%
-There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
-and open a vein.
- -- Red Smith
-%
-There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
-nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
-%
-There's nothing worse for your business than
-extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
- -- W. Bossert
-%
-There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
-reasoning with them won't aggravate.
-%
-There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
-always see somebody who did worse.
- -- Warren H. Goldsmith
-%
-There's one fool at least in every married couple.
-%
-There's only one everything.
-%
-There's only one way to have a happy marriage
-and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
- -- Clint Eastwood
-%
-There's small choice in rotten apples.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
-%
-There's so much plastic in this culture that
-vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
-%
-There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
-Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
- -- G. Gordon Liddy
-%
-There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
-If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
-%
-There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
- -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
-%
-There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
- -- Richard Le Gallienne
-%
-These activities have their own rules and methods
-of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
- -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
-%
-"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
-"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
-"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
-out of MEGATON MAN!"
-%
-These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
-they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
-%
-They also serve who only stand and wait.
- -- John Milton
-%
-They also surf who only stand on waves.
-%
-They are called computers simply because computation is
-the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
-%
-They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
-what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
-life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
- -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
- of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
-%
-They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
-when they can see nothing but sea.
- -- Francis Bacon
-%
-They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
- -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
-%
-They call them "squares" because it's the
-most complicated shape they can deal with.
-%
-They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
- -- The Blues Brothers
-%
-They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
- -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
- Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
-%
-They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
-try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
-man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
-only want to count to two.
- -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
-%
-They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
- -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
- question about the suffering of starving miners.
-%
-They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
-%
-They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-%
-They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
-Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
- -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
-%
-They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
-%
-They make a desert and call it peace.
- -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
-%
-They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
-especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
-but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
-not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
-learn this particular lesson.
- -- Richard Stallman
-%
-They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
-system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
-we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
-
-I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
-my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
-then we take Berlin.
-
-I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
-and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
-I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
- -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
-%
-They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
-always spell better than they pronounce.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
-safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
- -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
-%
-They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
-%
-They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
-About a month before. Their hair began to curl
-The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
-But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
-
-He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
-To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
-And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
-The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
-
-My notion was to start again
-Ignoring all they'd done
-We quickly turned it into code
-To see if it would run.
-%
-They took some of the Van Goghs, most
-of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
-%
-They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
- -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
-%
-They use different words for things in America.
-For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
-They say drapes and we say curtains.
-They say president and we say brain damaged git.
- -- Alexie Sayle
-%
-They went rushing down that freeway,
-Messed around and got lost.
-They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
-And it was life in the fast lane.
- -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
-%
-They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
- -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
-%
-They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
-The man said "We got all that we can use",
-So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
-Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
- -- Jim Croce
-%
-They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
-back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
-of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
-for freedom.
- -- Stig's Inferno
-%
-They're basically very smelly houseplants until they get to the crawling
-age. You're constantly terrified that they're going to randomly die on
-you, but the rules for preventing that outcome are straightforward and
-hard to forget.
- -- Thomas Ptacek, giving advice to a new father
-%
-They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
- -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
-%
-They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
-%
-They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
-to like.
- -- Avon
-%
-Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
-their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
- -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
-%
-Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
- -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
-%
-Things are not always what they seem.
- -- Phaedrus
-%
-Things Charles Darwin did not say:
-
-Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all.
-%
-Things Charles Darwin did not say:
-
-Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools.
-%
-Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
-%
-Things past redress and now with me past care.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
-%
-Things will be bright in P.M.
-A cop will shine a light in your face.
-%
-Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-Things worth having are worth cheating for.
-%
-Think big.
-Pollute the Mississippi.
-%
-Think honk if you're a telepath.
-%
-Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
- -- Darrell Royal
-%
-Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
-%
-Think of your family tonight.
-Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
-%
-Think sideways!
- -- Ed De Bono
-%
-Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
-%
-Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
- -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
-%
-Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
-It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
-Have made my days and nights imperishable,
-Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
-Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
-Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
-But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
-Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
-%
-Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
-when the hostess has only twelve chops.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-Thirty days hath Septober,
-April, June, and no wonder.
-all the rest have peanut butter
-except my father who wears red suspenders.
-%
-Thirty white horses on a red hill,
-First they champ,
-Then they stamp,
-Then they stand still.
- -- Tolkien
-%
-This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
-Everye nighte and alle,
-Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
-And Christe receive thy saule.
- -- The Lykewake Dirge
-%
-This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
-speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
-batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
-deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
-Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
-spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
-beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
-pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
-half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
-a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
-individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
-limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
-%
-This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
-(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
- -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
-%
-This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
-%
-This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
-intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they
-are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this
-transmission, please delete it immediately.
-
-Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore,
-there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you
-have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document.
-Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no
-legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway.
-
-This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and
-bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a
-cold beer instead.
- -- found on the dovecot mailinglist
-%
-This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
-%
-This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
-%
-This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
-need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
-random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
-up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
-all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
-%
-This fortune intentionally not included.
-%
-This fortune intentionally says nothing.
-%
-This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
-invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
-%
-This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
-%
-This fortune is false.
-%
-This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
-%
-This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
-%
-This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
-%
-This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
-%
-This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
-We have emotional moving vans.
- -- Bruce Feirstein
-%
-This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
-bags! I just won the California lottery!"
- "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
- "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
-of the house by dinner!"
-%
-This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
-regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
-%
-This is a good time to punt work.
-%
-This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
-DOG.
- -- Bob Violence
-%
-This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
-actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
-%
-This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
-Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
-%
-This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
-because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
-which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
-"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
-consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
-rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
-oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
-Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
-over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
-innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
-passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
-amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
-apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
-and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
- -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
-%
-This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
-%
-This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
-Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
-and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
-%
-This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
-and not enough hunchbacks.
-%
-This is for all ill-treated fellows
- Unborn and unbegot,
-For them to read when they're in trouble
- And I am not.
- -- A. E. Housman
-%
-This is Jim Rockford.
-At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.\a
-%
-This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
-to one.
- -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
-%
-This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
-his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
-Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
-%
-This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
-I don't talk to machines! [Click]
-%
-This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
-%
-This is NOT a repeat.
-%
-This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
-spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
-who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
- -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
-%
-THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
-
-If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
-contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
-without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
-contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
-can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
-for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
-difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
-and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
-"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
-you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
-Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
-30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
-Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
-more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ...
-%
-This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
-Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
-%
-This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
-meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
-and come alone. I'm serious!
-%
-This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
-which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
- -- Arthur C. Clarke
-%
-This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
-power of computers:
-
-Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
-thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
-level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
-one should eat each day:
-
- 1/2 chicken
- 1 egg
- 1 glass of skim milk
- 27 heads of lettuce.
- -- Rev. Adrian Melott
-%
-This is the _\bL_\bA_\bS_\bT time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
-%
-This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-This is the story of the bee
-Whose sex is very hard to see
-
-You cannot tell the he from the she
-But she can tell, and so can he
-
-The little bee is never still
-She has no time to take the pill
-
-And that is why, in times like these
-There are so many sons of bees.
-%
-This is the theory that Jack built.
-This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
-This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
-%
-This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-And now you know why.
-%
-This is the way the world ends,
-This is the way the world ends,
-This is the way the world ends,
-Not with a bang but with a whimper.
- -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
-%
-This is your fortune.
-%
-This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
- -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
-%
-This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
-constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
-been called by others the fiddle factor..."
- -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
-%
-This land is full of trousers!
-this land is full of mausers!
- And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
- -- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-This land is made of mountains,
-This land is made of mud,
-This land has lots of everything,
-For me and Elmer Fudd.
-
-This land has lots of trousers,
-This land has lots of mousers,
-And pussycats to eat them
-When the sun goes down.
-%
-This land is my land, and only my land,
-I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
-If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
-This land is private property.
- -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
-%
-This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
-actual life, you would have received further instructions as
-to what to do and where to go.
-%
-This life is yours. Some of it was given
-to you; the rest, you made yourself.
-%
-This login session: $13.99
-%
-This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
-%
-This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
-%
-This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
- -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-%
-This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
-great force.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
-are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
-who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
-don't actually hurt.
- One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
-Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
-hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
-man enough to take me on?"
- The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
-Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
-tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
-a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
-Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
-"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
- The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
-charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
-After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
-crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
-"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
-replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
-%
-This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
-got to find a way off this planet.
-%
-This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
-the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
-solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
-largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
-which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
-paper that were unhappy.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
-something child-like.
- -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
-%
-This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
-persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
-assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
-shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
-condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
-Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
-indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
-or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
-penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled
-check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
-are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
-offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
-Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
-not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
-toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
-appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
-not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
-paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
-suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
-strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
-are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
-all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
-%
-This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
-student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
-
- One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
- Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
- computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
- which identifies errors in the original program.
-%
-This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
-mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
-often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
-adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-This screen intentionally left blank.
-%
-This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
- -- Douglas Hofstadter
-%
-This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
-%
-This sentence no verb.
-%
-This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
-%
-This thing all things devours:
-Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
-Gnaws iron, bites steel;
-Grinds hard stones to meal;
-Slays king, ruins town,
-And beats high mountain down.
-%
-This unit... must... survive.
-%
-This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
-contents may have occurred during shipment.
-%
-This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
-dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
-pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
- -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
-%
-This was the most unkindest cut of all.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
-%
-This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
-This was terrible with raisins in it.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
-%
-This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
-%
-This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
-The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
-could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
- The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
-wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
-pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
-and was lying about twenty feet away.
- There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
-"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
-%
-Those lovable Brits department:
- They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
-%
-Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
-of us who do.
-%
-Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
-%
-Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
-are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
-at are called software.
- -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
- Literacy for the 1990's.
-%
-Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
-learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
- -- W. S. Krabill
-%
-Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
-Silly Putty.
- -- Dennis Rawlins
-%
-Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
-%
-Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
-Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
-%
-Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
- -- George Santayana
-%
-Those who can't write, write manuals.
-%
-Those who claim the dead never return
-to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
-%
-Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
- -- French Proverb
-%
-Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
- -- Henry Spencer
-%
-Those who do things in a noble spirit of
-self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
- -- N. Alexander
-%
-Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
-parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
-surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
- -- Mark B. Cohen
-%
-Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
-Often have a share in their misfortunes.
- -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
-%
-Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
-world is love. The poor know that it is money.
- -- Gerald Brenan
-%
-Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
-%
-Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
-will make violent revolution inevitable.
- -- John F. Kennedy
-%
-Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
-men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
-without the roar of its many waters.
- -- Frederick Douglass
-%
-Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
-Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
-While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
-PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
-Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
-
-Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
-Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
-Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
-Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
-The highest rung. In his bung.
-
-Because in life they prayed so ill
-And offered god such swinish swill
-Now they sweat in flames of hell
-Sweat from lack of APL
-Sweat dung!
-%
-Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
-%
-Thou hast seen nothing yet.
- -- Miguel de Cervantes
-%
-Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
-be maintained.
- -- The Tao of Programming
-%
-Though I respect that a lot
-I'd be fired if that were my job
-After killing Jason off and
-Countless screaming argonauts
-
-Bluebird of friendliness
-Like guardian angels it's
-Always near
-
-Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
-Who watches over you
-Make a little birdhouse in your soul
-Not to put too fine a point on it
-Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
-Make a little birdhouse in your soul
-
- -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
-%
-Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
-%
-Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
-the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
-Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
-whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
-fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
-more about the matter than the others.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
- -- Trollope
-%
-Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
-all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
-"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
-
- "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
- "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
- "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
- service station," said the Missourian.
- "Wrong."
- "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
- "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'"
- "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
-%
-Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
-is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
- -- A. E. Housman
-%
-Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
-late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
- -- Jean-Paul Sartre
-%
-Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
-Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
-Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
-One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
-In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
-One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
-One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
-In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
- -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
-%
-Three rules for sounding like an expert:
- 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
- 2. Always point out second-order effects,
- but never point out when they can be ignored.
- 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
-%
-Throw away documentation and manuals,
-and users will be a hundred times happier.
-Throw away privileges and quotas,
-and users will do the Right Thing.
-Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
-and there won't be any pirating.
-
-If these three aren't enough,
-just stay at your home directory
-and let all processes take their course.
-%
-Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
-what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
- "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
- is its own hell."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
- "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
- "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
- be productive."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
- "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
- be maintained."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
- "Time for you to leave."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
- "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
- "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
- the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
- "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
- hardware is useless."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thus spake the master programmer:
- "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
- can't make him computer literate."
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Thyme's Law:
- Everything goes wrong at once.
-%
-Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
-Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
-Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
-Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
-
-Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
-Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
-You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
-And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
-
-And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
-And racing around to come up behind you again
-The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
-Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
-
-Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
- is the English way
-Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
-Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
-Or half a page of scribbled lines
- -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
-%
-Tiddely Quiddely
-Edward M. Kennedy
-Quite unaccountably
-Drove in a stream.
-
-Pleas of amnesia
-Incomprehensible
-Possibly shattered
-Political dream.
-%
-Tiger got to hunt,
-Bird got to fly;
-Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
-
-Tiger got to sleep,
-Bird got to land;
-Man got to tell himself he understand.
- -- The Books of Bokonon
-%
-Time and tide wait for no man.
-%
-Time as he grows old teaches all things.
- -- Aeschylus
-%
-Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
-%
-Time goes, you say?
-Ah no!
-Time stays, *we* go.
- -- Austin Dobson
-%
-Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
- -- Hector Berlioz
-%
-Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
-%
-Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-Time is nature's way of making sure that
-everything doesn't happen at once.
-
-Space is nature's way of making sure that
-everything doesn't happen to you.
-%
-Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
- -- Theophrastus
-%
-Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
-%
-Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
-%
-Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
-%
-Time to take stock.
-Go home with some office supplies.
-%
-Time washes clean
-Love's wounds unseen.
-That's what someone told me;
-But I don't know what it means.
- -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
-%
-Time will end all my troubles,
-but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
-%
-Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
- -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
-%
-Timesharing, n.:
- An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
-%
-Timing must be perfect now.
-Two-timing must be better than perfect.
-%
-Tip of the Day:
- Never fry bacon in the nude.
-%
-Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
- -- J. LeBoutillier
-%
-Tip the world over on its side and
-everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
- -- Frank Lloyd Wright
-%
-TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
- Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
- There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
- Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
- they would ordinarily.
- There is no music in space.
- People will pay to watch people make sounds.
- Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
-%
-TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
-force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
-the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
-to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
-recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
-Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
- "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
- never been easier."
-Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
-it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
-components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
-work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
-magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
-much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
-But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
-Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
-Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
-Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
-1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
-available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
-%
-Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
-%
-'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
-is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
-stopping at red lights are both optional.
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
-%
-To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
-above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
-to spend a few days there.
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
-%
-To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
-in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
-%
-To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
-in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
-only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
-Swedes speak better English.
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
-%
-To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
-a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
-thousand.
- -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
-%
-To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
-To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
-oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
- -- Epictetus
-%
-To add insult to injury.
- -- Phaedrus
-%
-To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
-to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
-servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
- -- Theodore Roosevelt
-%
-To any truly impartial person, it would
-be obvious that I am always right.
-%
-To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
-To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
- -- Shelley
-%
-To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
-should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
- -- Thackeray
-%
-To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
-than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
-%
-To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
-Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
- -- Confucius
-%
-To be great is to be misunderstood.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
-Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
-fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
-It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
-in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
-weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
-be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
-a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
-and not be happy.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
-%
-To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
-%
-To be is to be related.
- -- C. J. Keyser
-%
-To be is to do.
- -- I. Kant
-To do is to be.
- -- A. Sartre
-Do be a Do Bee!
- -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
-Do be do be do!
- -- F. Sinatra
-Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
- -- F. Flintstone
-%
-To be loved is very demoralizing.
- -- Katharine Hepburn
-%
-To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
-night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
-battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
- -- e. e. cummings, "A Miscellany"
-%
-To be or not to be.
- -- Shakespeare
-To do is to be.
- -- Nietzsche
-To be is to do.
- -- Sartre
-Do be do be do.
- -- Sinatra
-%
-To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
-%
-To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
-but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
- -- Lionel Strachey
-%
-To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
-this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
-offer in response is based on information available to make no such
-statement.
-%
-To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
- -- Golda Meir
-%
-To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
-as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
-%
-To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
-and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
-%
-To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
-%
-To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
-%
-To be wise, the only thing you really need
-to know is when to say "I don't know."
-%
-To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
-you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
-To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
-To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
-To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
- To write those routines
-To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
-To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
-To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
-To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
- To this glorious quest,
-And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
-That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
- destined to lose,
-Still strove with his last allocation
-To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
- -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
-%
-To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
- -- AT&T
-%
-To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
-may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
- -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
-%
-To craunch a marmoset.
- -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
-%
-To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
-more important than the ability to say yes.
- -- Michi Henning
-%
-To criticize the incompetent is easy;
-it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
-%
-To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
- -- Senator Edmund Muskie
-%
-To do nothing is to be nothing.
-%
-To do two things at once is to do neither.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
-convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
- -- H. Poincare
-%
-To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
-of four kids and one bathroom.
- -- John DiMarco
-%
-To err is human -- but it feels divine.
- -- Mae West
-%
-To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
-%
-To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
-%
-To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
-%
-To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
-before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
-%
-To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
-%
-To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
-%
-To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
-%
-To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
- -- MIT Assassination Club
-%
-To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-To err is human, two curs canine.
-To err is human, to moo bovine.
-%
-To err is human.
-To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
-%
-To err is human,
-To purr feline.
- -- Robert Byrne
-%
-To err is humor.
-%
-To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
- -- B. Duggan
-%
-To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
-A time to be born, and a time to die;
-A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
-A time to kill, and a time to heal;
-A time to break down, and a time to build up;
-A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
-A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
-A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
-A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
-A time to gain, and a time to lose;
-A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
-A time to tear, and a time to sew;
-A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
-A time to love, and a time to hate;
-A time of war, and a time of peace.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
-%
-To fear love is to fear life, and those
-who fear life are already three parts dead.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
- -- Norman Douglas
-%
-To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
- -- Benjamin Franklin
-%
-To generalize is to be an idiot.
- -- William Blake
-%
-To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
-%
-To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
-To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
-%
-To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
-persons, two of them absent.
-%
-To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
-%
-To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
-%
-To have died once is enough.
- -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-To hell with the Prime Directive;
-Let's _\bK_\bI_\bL_\bL something!
-%
-To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
- -- Thomas Edison
-%
-To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
- -- Robert Heller
-%
-To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
- -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
-%
-To keep your friends treat them kindly;
-to kill them, treat them often.
-%
-To know Edina is to reject it.
- -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
-%
-To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
-%
-To lead people, you must follow behind.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-To listen to some devout people,
-one would imagine that God never laughs.
- -- Sri Aurobindo
-%
-To love is good, love being difficult.
-%
-To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
-%
-To make tax forms true they should
-read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
-%
-To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
- -- St. Augustine
-%
-TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
-where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
-circus and a clown killed my dad.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
-bitters. Shake.
- -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
-%
-To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
- -- 19th century toast
-%
-To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
-%
-To restore a sense of reality, I think
-Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
- -- Jack Paar
-%
-To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
-%
-To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
-but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
-micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
- -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
-%
-To say you got a vote of confidence
-would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
- -- Andrew Young
-%
-To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
-%
-To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
-and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
-agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
-There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
-it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
-tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
-mind over matter; quite.
- -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
-%
-To see you is to sympathize.
-%
-To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
-the job will take the longest and cost the most.
-%
-To stand and be still,
-At the Birkenhead drill,
-Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
- -- Rudyard Kipling
-%
-To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
-of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
- -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-To stay youthful, stay useful.
-%
-To teach is to learn.
-%
-To teach is to learn twice.
- -- Joseph Joubert
-%
-To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
-%
-To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
-%
-To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
-a test load.
-%
-To Theodore Roosevelt:
- You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
-The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
-you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
-must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
- Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
- Lord of the Riff
- Sultan to the Berbers
- Last of the Barbary Pirates
-%
-To thine own self be true.
-(If not that, at least make some money.)
-%
-To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
-madness.
- -- Eugene Ionesco
-%
-To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
-system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
-inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
-precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
-uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
-well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
-of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
-secure ecological niche.
- -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
-%
-TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
-
- Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
-what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
-may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
- Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
-to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
-destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
-or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
-receiving said benefit.
- I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
-yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
-as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
-in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
- Amen.
- -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
-%
-To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
-%
-To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
-he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
-%
-To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
-telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
-computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
-in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
-lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
-
-Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
-suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
-computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
-one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
-break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
-incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
-an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
-pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
-loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
-and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
- -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
- Phones?"
-%
-To use violence is to already be defeated.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
-%
-To whom the mornings are like nights,
-What must the midnights be!
- -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
-%
-To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
-strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
-Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
-and take by force a satisfying mesh.
-Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
-You are the master here, and they the slaves.
-Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
-and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
-A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
-What use are words that drive not to the heart?
-A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
-and choose more docile words to take its part.
-A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
-by making love directly to the brain.
-%
-To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-Tobacco is a filthy weed,
-That from the devil does proceed;
-It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
-And makes a chimney of your nose.
- -- B. Waterhouse
-%
-TODAY:
- A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
-%
-Today is a good day for information-gathering.
-Read someone else's mail file.
-%
-Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
-%
-Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
-%
-Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
-%
-Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
-%
-Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
-%
-Today is the last day of your life so far.
-%
-Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-%
-Today is what happened to yesterday.
-%
-Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
-except in major motion pictures.
- -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
-Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
-cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
-boarder.
-%
-Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
-%
-Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
-
-And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
- -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
-%
-Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
-cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
-spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
- -- Bob & Ray
-%
-Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
-%
-Toilet Toupee, n.:
- Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
- creating endless annoyance to male users.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
- -- Gore Vidal
-%
-Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
-but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
-%
-Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
-%
-Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
-%
-Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
- -- DEC
-%
-Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
-%
-Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
-Don't forget to leave a tip.
-%
-Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
-%
-Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
- If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
-%
-Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
-driving cabs and cutting hair.
- -- George Burns
-%
-TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
-real fast and freak everybody out.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-Too clever is dumb.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
-Too cool to calypso,
-Too tough to tango,
-Too weird to watusi
- -- The Only Ones
-%
-Too Late
- A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
-the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
-the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
-the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
- -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
-%
-Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos.
- -- Glenn Gould
-%
-Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
-They seem more afraid of life than death.
- -- James F. Byrnes
-%
-Too much is just enough.
- -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
-%
-Too much is not enough.
-%
-Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
- -- Mae West
-%
-Too much of everything is just enough.
- -- Bob Wier
-%
-Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
-briefcases.
- -- Governor Jerry Brown
-%
-Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
-anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
-in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
- -- Instrument News
- [Once is too often. Ed.]
-%
-Too ripped. Gotta go.
-%
-Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
-%
-Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
-
-10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
- 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
- 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
- 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
- Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
- assurance people in its wake.
- 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
- - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
- 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
- 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
- 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
- are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
- 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
- original Klingon.
- 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
- it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
-%
-Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
-earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
-As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
-Please...
-
- CONSERVE GRAVITY
-
-Follow these simple suggestions:
-
-(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
-(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
-(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
- curling.
-(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
-(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
- pile.
-(6) Stop flipping pancakes
-%
-Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
-
-10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
- 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
- 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
- #pragma is for.
- 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
- hard to write.
- 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
- 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
- 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
- 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
- 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
- 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias".
-%
-Topologists are just plane folks.
- Pilots are just plane folks.
- Carpenters are just plane folks.
- Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
- Musicians are just playin' folks.
- Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
-Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
-%
-Torque is cheap.
-%
-Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
-%
-TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
- I'm the person your mother warned you about.
-%
-Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
- -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
-get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
- -- David Letterman
-%
-Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
-personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
- -- A. Gide
-%
-Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
- -- David Letterman
-%
-TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED
-%
-TRANSFER:
- A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
-%
-TRANSPARENT:
- Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
- "It's there, but you can't see it"
- -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
-
-VIRTUAL:
- Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
- "I can see it, but it's not there."
- -- Lady Macbeth
-%
-TRANSVESTITE:
- Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
-%
-Trap full -- please empty.
-%
-TRAVEL:
- Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
-%
-Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
-%
-Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
- -- Han Solo
-%
-Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
-"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
- "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
-to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
-by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
-for a short spell?"
-%
-Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
- -- Publilius Syrus
-%
-Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
- -- Charles DeGaulle
-%
-Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
- -- Michelangelo
-%
-Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
-%
-Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
-%
-Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
-next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
-a brand new series of three.
-%
-Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
-in eucalyptus trees.
-%
-Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
-%
-True happiness will be found only in true love.
-%
-True leadership is the art of changing
-a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
- -- Virginia Allan
-%
-True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
-personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
- -- David Mamet
-%
-Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
- -- Henrik Tikkanen
-%
-Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
- -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
-%
-Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
- -- Arabian proverb
-%
-TRUST ME:
- Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
-%
-TRUST ME:
- Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
-%
-Trust your husband, adore your husband,
-and get as much as you can in your own name.
- -- Joan Rivers
-%
-Truth can wait; he's used to it.
-%
-Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
- -- Albert Schweitzer
-%
-Truth is free, but information costs.
-%
-Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
-%
-Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
-%
-Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
-of him that brought her birth.
- -- Milton
-%
-Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
-%
-Truthful, adj.:
- Dumb and illiterate.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-try again
-%
-Try not to have a good time ...
-This is supposed to be educational.
- -- Charles Schulz
-%
-Try not.
-Do.
-Or do not.
-There is no try.
-%
-Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
-%
-Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
-%
-Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
-%
-Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
-%
-Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
-it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
-tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
-novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
-the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
- -- Amrom Katz
-%
-Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
-%
-Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
-%
-Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
- -- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
-%
-Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
-specification is that it should run noiselessly.
-%
-Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
- -- Alan Watts
-%
-Trying to establish voice contact ... please _\by_\be_\bl_\bl into keyboard.
-%
-Trying to get an education here is like
-trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
-%
-T-shirt:
- Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
-%
-Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
-%
-Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
-%
-Turn on, tune in, and take over.
- -- Tim Leary
-%
-Turn the other cheek.
- -- Jesus Christ
-%
-Turnaucka's Law:
- The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
- electrical cord.
-%
-Tussman's Law:
- Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
-%
-TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- -- Frank Lloyd Wright
-%
-'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
-and I never even had the decency to thank her.
- -- R. B. Gossling
-%
-"Twas bergen and the eirie road
-Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
-All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
-And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
- Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
-He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
-Long time the folsom foe he sought
-Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
-And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
- Came whippany through the englewood,
-One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
- and through
-The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
-He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
-He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
- He caldwell in his joy.
-Did mahwah into patterson:
-All jersey were the ocean groves,
-And the red bank bayonne.
- -- Paul Kieffer
-%
-'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
-Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
-All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
-And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
- Beware the Jubjub bird,
-He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
-Long time the manxome foe he sought.
-So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
-And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
- Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
-One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
- through
-The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
-He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
-And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
- He chortled in his joy.
-'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
-Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
-All mimsy were the borogroves
-And the mome raths outgrabe.
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
-%
-'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
-Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
-All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
-By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
- Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
-He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
-Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
-Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
-And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
- Came waffling with the truth too good,
-Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
- and through
-The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
-It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
-He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
- He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
-'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
-Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
-All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
-And mammon's wrath them bash!
- -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
-%
-'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
-Did gyre and gimble in their cave
-All mimsy was the CS-VAX
-And Cory raths outgrabe.
-
-"Beware the software rot, my son!
-The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
-Beware the broken pipe, and shun
-The frumious system crash!"
-%
-'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
-Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
-So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
-To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
-
-The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
-Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
-Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
-On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
-
-She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
-Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
-As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
-And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
- -- Midnight On The Ocean
-%
-'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
-When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
-Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
-A satellite spotted him making his way.
-The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
-Was ready for action, and started to fire!
-The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
-Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
-I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
-When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
-I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
-St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
-But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
-A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
-Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
-Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
-So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
-The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
-Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
-'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
-It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
-If the crazy contraption would work very well.
-So after a trillion or two had been spent
-The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
-So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
-There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
-%
-'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
- preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
- throughout our place of residence,
-Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
- possessors of this potential, including that
- species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
-Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
- edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
-Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
- imminent visitation from an eccentric
- philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
- is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
-%
-Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
-Twenty two thousand days.
-Twenty two thousand days.
-It's not a lot.
-It's all you've got.
-Twenty two thousand days.
- -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
-%
-Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
-in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
-was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
-fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
- Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
-"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
- "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
- Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
-collision course with that ship.
- The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
-a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
- Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
- In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
-degrees!"
- "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
-course 20 degrees."
- By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
-battleship, change course 20 degrees."
- Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
- We changed course.
- -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
-%
-Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
- -- Howard Kandel
-%
-Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
-%
-Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
-penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
-"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
-owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
-up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
-away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
-the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
-the movies!"
-%
-Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
-barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
- "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
-knows when to stop."
-%
-Two heads are better than one.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-Two heads are more numerous than one.
-%
-Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
-performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
-British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
-Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
-her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
-a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
-entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
-and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
-search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
-incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
-became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
-%
-Two is company, three is an orgy.
-%
-Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
-%
-Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
-canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
-call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
-end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
- So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
-are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
- Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
-You're lost!"
- The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
- Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
- "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
-he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
-%
-Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
-"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
-"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
-trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
-his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
-the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
-and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
-did it and must pay three silver pieces."
-%
-Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
-%
-Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
-with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
-toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
- "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
-at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
-dry side.
- "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
- "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
-%
-Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
-%
-Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
-%
-Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
-%
-Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
-the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
- "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
-%
-Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
-I forget the second.
-%
-Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
-orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
-and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
-they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
-toasts him, "Skoal!"
- The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
-here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
-%
-Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- -- Kohn
-%
-Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
- -- Thomas Szasz
-%
-Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
-%
-Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
-In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
-What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
-Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
-
-Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
-The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
-On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
-What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
-
-And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
-Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
-And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
-What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
-
-Could fetch it from the furnace deep
-And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
-In the well of sanguine woe?
-In what clay & in what mould
-Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
- -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
-%
-Type louder, please.
-%
-U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
- Run right up and rub its horn.
- Look at all those points you're losing!
- UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
- -- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
-Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
-(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
- -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
-%
-Udall's Fourth Law:
- Any change or reform you make
- is going to have consequences you don't like.
-%
-UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
-%
-Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
-straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
-Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
- -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
-%
-Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
-Sorry for the confusion.
- -- Sun Microsystems
-%
-Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
-woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
-leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
-coughing and drops dead.
- -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
- Never use your thumb for a rule.
- You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
-%
-Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
-just man is also in prison.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
-ordinance under which you can be booked.
- -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
-%
-Under deadline pressure for the next week.
-If you want something, it can wait.
-Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
-%
-Under every stone lurks a politician.
- -- Aristophanes
-%
-Under the wide and heavy VAX
-Dig my grave and let me relax
-Long have I lived, and many my hacks
-And I lay me down with a will.
-These be the words that tell the way:
-"Here he lies who piped 64K,
-Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
-And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
-%
-Under the wide and starry sky,
-Dig my grave and let me lie,
-Glad did I live and gladly die,
-And laid me down with a will,
-And this be the verse that you grave for me,
-Here he lies where he longed to be,
-Home is the sailor home from the sea,
-And the hunter home from the hill.
- -- R. Kipling
-%
-Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
- Superiority is recessive.
-%
-Understand, v.:
- To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
- you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
- basis of your own internal model instead.
-%
-Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
-in relation to a bigger problem.
- -- P. D. Ouspensky
-%
-UNFAIR COMPETITION:
- Selling cheaper than we do.
-%
-Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
-friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
-throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
-slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
- -- Jon Bentley
-%
-UNION:
- A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
-%
-United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
-season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
-forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
-every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
-low over the world.
- -- Isaac Asimov
-%
-Universe, n.:
- The problem.
-%
-Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
-in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
-%
-University, n.:
- Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
- usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
- you how to fix it, and...
-
- [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
- the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
-%
-University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
- -- Henry Kissinger
-%
-UNIX enhancements aren't.
-%
-Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
-of more feet, just to be sure.
- -- Eric Allman
-
-... We make rope.
- -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory
-%
-Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
-hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
-but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
-People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
-world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
- -- E. Post
- "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
-%
-Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
- -- Donn Seeley
-%
-UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
-lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
- -- Michael Jay Tucker
-%
-UNIX is many things to many people,
-but it's never been everything to anybody.
-%
-Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
- -- Berry Kercheval
-%
-Unix, n.:
- A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
- impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
- with the workstation harem.
-%
-unix soit qui mal y pense
-%
-UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
-Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
- -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
-%
-UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
-would also stop you from doing clever things.
- -- Doug Gwyn
-%
-Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
-%
-Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
-between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
-and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
- -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
-%
-Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
-of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
-a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
-be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
-time waste me.
- -- William Shakespeare
-%
-Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
- -- e. e. cummings
-%
-Unnamed Law:
- If it happens, it must be possible.
-%
-Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
-unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
- -- Edward Gibbon
-%
-Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
-pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
-Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
- -- Richard Armour
-%
-UNTOLD WEALTH:
- What you left out on April 15th.
-%
-Up against the net, redneck mother,
-Mother who has raised your son so well;
-He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
-Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
-%
-Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
-%
-Use a pun, go to jail.
-%
-Use an accordion. Go to jail.
- -- KFOG, San Francisco
-%
-Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
-if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
- -- Henry Van Dyke
-%
-USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
-more labor and less oratory.
- -- Elizabeth Haley
-%
-User hostile.
-%
-User, n.:
- A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
-%
-User, n.:
- The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
- -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
-
-[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
- when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
-%
-Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
-an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
-living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
- -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University
-%
-Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
- -- S. C. Johnson
-%
-Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
-text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
-goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
-didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
-
-I always hated those adventure games.
- -- David Gerard
-%
-Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
- -- Tom Robbins
-%
-/usr/news/gotcha
-%
-Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
- -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
-%
-Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
-opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
- -- Doug Larson
-%
-VACATION:
- A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
- it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
- life-style to recuperate.
-%
-Vail's Second Axiom:
- The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
- amount of work already completed.
-%
-Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
-Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
- -- Tom Chapin
-%
-Van Roy's Law:
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-%
-Van Roy's Law:
- Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
-
-Van Roy's Truism:
- Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
-%
-Vanilla, adj.:
- Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
-very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
-extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
-"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
-and sour won ton soup.
-%
-Variables don't; constants aren't.
-%
-Vax Vobiscum
-%
-Vegetables are what food eats.
-Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
-Fish are fast moving vegetables.
-Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
- -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
-%
-Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
-%
-Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
- 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
- 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
-%
-Veni, Vidi, VISA:
- I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
-%
-Verba volant, scripta manent!
-%
-Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
- -- E. F. Benson
-%
-Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
-reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
-thirty-five.
- -- Joel Hildebrand
-%
-Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
-%
-Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
-infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
-could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
-somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
-ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
-quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
-lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
-outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
-little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
-for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
-screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
-is presumably working on it.
-%
-Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
-at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
- -- Herodotus
-%
-Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
-%
-VI:
- A hungry dog hunts best.
- A hungrier dog hunts even better.
-VII:
- Decreased business base increases overhead.
- So does increased business base.
-VIII:
- The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
- is fifth grade arithmetic.
-IX:
- Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
- possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
-X:
- Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
- People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-Victory uber allies!
-%
-Viking, n.:
- 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
- entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
- business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
- 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
- in the 9th century.
-
-Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
-only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
-property.
-%
-Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
-Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
- waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
-%
-Vini, vidi, vici.
-[I came, I saw, I conquered].
- -- Gaius Julius Caesar
-%
-"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
-violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
-ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
-issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
-%
-Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
-%
-Violence is molding.
-%
-Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
- -- Salvor Hardin
-%
-Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
-there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
-frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
-weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
-impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
-shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
- -- Tom Robbins
-%
-VIRGINIA:
- A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
- baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
-%
-Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
-yard.
-%
-VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
- You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
-sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
-fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
-%
-VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
- Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
- to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
- morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
- wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
- that old underwear you own.
-%
-"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
-%
-Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
-only the willingness to make it when necessary.
- -- Frederick Dunn
-%
-Virtue is its own punishment.
- -- Denniston
-
-Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
- -- Aneurin Bevan
-%
-Virtue is not left to stand alone.
-He who practices it will have neighbors.
- -- Confucius
-%
-Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
- -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
-%
-Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
-%
-Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
-%
-Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
- -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
-%
-Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
-from where you left them to where you can't find them.
-%
-Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
-%
-VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
-%
-VMS, n.:
- The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
-%
-VMS version 2.0 ==>
-%
-Voiceless it cries,
-Wingless flutters,
-Toothless bites,
-Mouthless mutters.
-What am I?
-%
-VOLCANO:
- A mountain with hiccups.
-%
-Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
-And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
-And to him who's scientific
-There is nothing that's terrific
-In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
- -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
-%
-Volley Theory:
- It is better to have lobbed and lost
- than never to have lobbed at all.
-%
-Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
-supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
-the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
-how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
-information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
-Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
-%
-Vote anarchist.
-%
-Vote early and vote often.
- -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
- campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
-%
-Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
-TAX-DEFERRED!
-%
-VUJA DE:
- The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
-%
-Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
- -- Pericles
-%
-Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
-1st customer: "I'll have tea."
-2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
- (Waiter exits, returns)
-Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
-%
-Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
-Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
-Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
-Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
-
-Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
-Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
-Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
-Make our country well again, respected by the world.
-
-Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
-Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
-Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
-Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
- -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
-%
-Wake up and smell the coffee.
- -- Ann Landers
-%
-Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
-a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
-%
-Walk softly and carry a big stick.
- -- Theodore Roosevelt
-%
-Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
-%
-Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
- -- Jack Kerouac
-%
-Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
- -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics
- (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
-%
-Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
-Garp: Gradual school?
-Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
- gradual school.
-Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
- find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
- -- The World According To Garp
-%
-Walters' Rule:
- All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
- the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
- on a plane that left Gate 1.
-%
-Wanna buy a duck?
-%
-Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
-A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
-But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
-When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
- black gold; "Texas tea" ...
-
-Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
-The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
-They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be",
-So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
- swimmin' pools; movie stars.
-%
-War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
-%
-War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
- -- Charles Edward Montague
-%
-War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
-%
-War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
- -- Desiderius Erasmus
-%
-War is like love, it always finds a way.
- -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
-%
-War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
- -- Clemenceau
-%
-War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
-%
-War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
- -- Anacreon
-%
-WARNING:
- Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
- mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
- of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
- of your favorite war.
-%
-WARNING!
- This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
-A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
-user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
-to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
-to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
-aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
-entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
-it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
-things to the terminal.
-%
-Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
-%
-Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
-those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
-up.
- -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
-%
-Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
-Survivors will be shot again.
-%
-WARNING!!!
-This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
-
-A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
-operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
-machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
-to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
-only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
-may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
-and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
-
-See also: flog(1), tm(1)
-%
-Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
-%
-Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
-In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
-There was a time they could cry over books,
-But time has set its maggot on their track.
-Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
-What's never known is safest in this life.
-Under the skysigns they who have no arms
-Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
-Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
- -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
-%
-Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
-%
-Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
- -- John F. Kennedy
-%
-[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
-the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
- -- Ada Louise Huxtable
-%
-Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
-%
-Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
-knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
-%
-Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
- -- Euripides
-%
-Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
-%
-Wasting time is an important part of living.
-%
-Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
-%
-Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
- -- Han Solo
-%
-Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Watership Down:
-You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
-%
-Watson's Law:
- The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
- number and significance of any persons watching it.
-%
-WE:
- The single most important word in the world.
-%
-We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
-when it's necessary to compromise.
- -- Larry Wall
-%
-We all declare for liberty, but in using the
-same word we do not all mean the same thing.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
-%
-We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
-%
-We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
-%
-We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
- -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
-%
-We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
- -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
-%
-We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
-whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
-is that it is not crazy enough.
- -- Niels Bohr
-%
-We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
-before we are fit to participate in society.
- -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
- Correct Behaviour"
-%
-We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
-%
-We are all born mad. Some remain so.
- -- Samuel Beckett
-%
-We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
-%
-We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
- -- Albert Schweitzer
-%
-We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
-We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
- -- Ray Bradbury
-%
-We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
- -- Whole Earth Catalog
-%
-We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
- -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
-%
-We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
- -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
-%
-We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
-own facts.
- -- Patrick Moynihan
-%
-We are each only one drop in a great
-ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
-%
-We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
-%
-We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
-dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
- -- J. Hoover
-%
-We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
-socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
-thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
- -- Fidel Castro
-%
-We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
- -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
-Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
-%
-We are not a clone.
-%
-We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
- -- John Fisher
-%
-We are not alone.
-%
-We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
-rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
- -- Victor Hugo
-%
-We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
-theorem.
- -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
-develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
-Manual.
- -- Andrew Hume
-%
-We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
-%
-We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
- -- Jonathan Swift
-%
-We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
-the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
-
-This is a recording.
-%
-We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
-share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
-our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
-leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
-the substance that cast them.
-%
-We are the people our parents warned us about.
-%
-We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
-to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
- -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
-%
-We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
-The order is not insignificant.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-We are what we are.
-%
-We are what we pretend to be.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
-%
-We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
-%
-We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
- -- Yates
-%
-We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
-technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
-We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
- -- Sir Francis Bacon
-%
-We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
- -- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
-deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
- -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
-%
-We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
-feet and go skating.
- -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist
-%
-We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
-take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
-forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
-into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
-beautiful Universe, Our home.
- -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
-%
-We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
- -- Vroomfondel
-%
-We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
- -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
-%
-We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
-%
-We don't care how they do it in New York.
-%
-We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
- -- James Watt, noted theologian
-%
-We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
-%
-We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
-%
-We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
-that it wasn't a fish.
- -- Marshall McLuhan
-%
-We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
- -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
-%
-We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
- -- Pink Floyd
-%
-We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
-We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
-No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
-Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
-Chorus: (Chorus)
- Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
-
-We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
-We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
-No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
-Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
-(Chorus) (Chorus)
- -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
-%
-We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
-%
-We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
- -- Walter Summers
-%
-We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
-understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
-%
-We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
-Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
-visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
-hammer.
- -- Charles Darwin
-%
-We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
- -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
-%
-We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
- -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
-%
-We gotta get out of this place,
-If it's the last thing we ever do.
- -- The Animals
-%
-We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
-hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
-mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
-our grave singing Hallelujah ...
- -- Monty Python
-%
-We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
-%
-We have art that we do not die of the truth.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
-%
-We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
-levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
-almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
-men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
-Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
-is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
-creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
-redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
- -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
-%
-We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
- -- Carl Sagan
-%
-We have met the enemy, and he is us.
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
-We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
-than from the machinations of the wicked.
-%
-We have no scorched earth policy.
-We have a policy of scorched Communists.
- -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
-%
-We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
-our children.
-%
-We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
- -- Margaret Mead
-%
-We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
-back to normal, and that they already have.
-%
-We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
- -- John Berryman
-%
-We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
-%
-We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
-official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
-Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
-you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
-said "ELECTROCUTION".
-
-Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
-teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
-process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
-couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
-out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
-stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
-floor, which is how the police would find you.
-
-You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
- -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
-%
-We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
-%
-We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
-star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
-
-[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
-were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
-character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
-after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
-acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
-letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
-looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
-that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
-should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
-source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
-instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
-publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
-to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
-was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
-temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
- -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
-%
-We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
-to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
-Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
-to crave knowledge.
- -- George Will
-%
-We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
-of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
-the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
-know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
-which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
-about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
-his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
-hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
-pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
-by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
-feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
- -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
-%
-We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
- -- Eric Hoffer
-%
-We love our little Johnny
-He's the best little boy in all the world
-And we wouldn't trade him for anything
-That's how much we love him.
-No, we couldn't live without him
-So that's why, since he died,
-We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
-He's so good, so well-behaved,
-Even better than before;
-Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
-Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
-Never miss our little Johnny,
-He'll never grow up and leave us
-That's why we love him like we do.
- -- Mr. Mincemeat
-%
-"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
-free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
-show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
-our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
- -- Cameron Hawley
-%
-We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
-than malnutrition.
- -- Alex Comfort
-%
-We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
-intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
-think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
-best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
-the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
-and speak English.
- -- Alan M. Turing
-%
-We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
-their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
-their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
-Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
-nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
-themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
-proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
-we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
-Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
-internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
-of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
-accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
-earth.
- -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
-%
-We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
-popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
-under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
-of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
-filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
- -- Nolo News, summer 1989
-%
-We may not return the affection of those who like us,
-but we always respect their good judgment.
-%
-...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
-by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
-I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
-brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
-an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
-functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
-uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
-of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
- -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
-%
-We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
-of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
- -- Saul Alinsky
-%
-We must die because we have known them.
- -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
-%
-We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
-condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like
-the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of
-chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
-for chess.
- -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
- (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
- of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
- "Stalin," published London, 1939
-%
-...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
-we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
-in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
-the past.
- -- Joseph Wood Krutch
-%
-We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
-the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
-is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
- -- Walter Lippmann
-%
-We must remember the First Amendment which
-protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
- -- F. G. Withington
-%
-We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
-the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
-children smart.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
-%
-We only acknowledge small faults in order
-to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
- -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
-%
-We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
-people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
-For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
-to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
-fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
-primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
-ugly paneling is to begin with.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
-originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
-forgotten its source.
- -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
-%
-We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
-rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
-%
-We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
-%
-We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
-content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
- -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
-%
-We read to say that we have read.
-%
-We really don't have any enemies.
-It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
-%
-We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
- -- Thucydides
-%
-We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
-Only non-sense attains perfection.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
- -- Jean de la Bruyere
-%
-We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
-in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
-stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
-is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
-born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
-out and shot.
- -- Strange de Jim
-%
-We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
-taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
-themselves.
- -- John Locke
-%
-We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
-Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
- -- Dennis Miller
-%
-We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
- -- S. I. Hayakawa
-%
-We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
-remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
-the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
-the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
-states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
-These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
-want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
-they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
-who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
- -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
-%
-We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
-We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
-that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
-%
-We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
-ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
-preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
-and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
-of America.
-%
-We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
-size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
-fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
-are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
-
-EUPHEMISM REALITY
-------------------- -------------------------
-Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
-Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
-Moody Manic-depressive
-Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
-Poet Boring manic-depressive
-Sultry/Sensual Easy
-Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
-Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
-Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
-Very human Quasimodo's best friend
-Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
-Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
-Flexible Desperate
-Aging child Self-centered adult
-Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
-Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
-%
-We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
-size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
-fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
-are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
-
-EUPHEMISM REALITY
-------------------- -------------------------
-Independent thinker Crazy
-High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
-Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
-Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
-Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
-Cuddly Overweight
-Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
-Big and beautiful Really Fat
-Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
-Svelte/Slender Anorexic
-Dynamic Pushy
-Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
-Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
-Demanding Will make your life a living hell
-Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
-%
-We totally deny the allegations, and
-we're trying to identify the allegators.
-%
-We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
-There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
-borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
- -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
-%
-[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
- -- R. W. Hamming
-%
-We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
-depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
- -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
-%
-We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
-[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
-behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
-but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
-next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
-a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
-The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
-to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
- -- Satchel Paige
-%
-We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
-were married for four and a half years.
- -- Nick Faldo
-%
-We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
-%
-We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
-If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
- -- Crazy Jimmy
-%
-We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
-also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
-French restaurant. [...]
- I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
-white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
-boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
-bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
-rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
-there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
- "Stop the car," the girl said.
- There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
-woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
-arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
- "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
-belle's for thee."
- The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
-Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
-onto my granola and faced a new day.
- -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
- Competition
-%
-We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
-tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
-extinction.
- -- S. J. Gould
-%
-We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
-one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
-%
-we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
-we will cry over things we used to laugh &
-our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
-creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
-in the end a summer with wild winds &
-new friends will be.
-%
-We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
-power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
-planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
-use of this material.
- -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
- Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
- and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
-%
-We wish you a Hare Krishna
-We wish you a Hare Krishna
-We wish you a Hare Krishna
-And a Sun Myung Moon!
- -- Maxwell Smart
-%
-WEAPON:
- An index of the lack of development of a culture.
-%
-Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-Wedding, n.:
- A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
- undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
- supportable.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
-%
-Weed's Axiom:
- Never ask two questions in a business letter.
- The reply will discuss the one in which you are
- least interested and say nothing about the other.
-%
-Weekend, where are you?
-%
-Weiler's Law:
- Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
- himself.
-%
-Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
-rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
-was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
-question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
-
-Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
- -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
-%
-Weinberg's First Law:
- Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
-%
-Weinberg's Principle:
- An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
- on to the grand fallacy.
-%
-Weinberg's Second Law:
- If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
- then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
- -- Gerald Weinberg
-%
-Weiner's Law of Libraries:
- There are no answers, only cross references.
-%
-Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
-He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
- -- Dean McLaughlin
-%
-Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
-
-D G G O
-
-O Y A N
-
-A D B T
-
-K I S P
-Enter words:
->
-%
-Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
-The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
- -- Garrison Keillor
-%
-Welcome to the Zoo!
-%
-Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
-use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
-demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
-sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
-can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
-the reader! For example, the sentence
-
- Jane went to the store to buy bread
-
-should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
-sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
-cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
-Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
-of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
-my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
-Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
-standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
-%
-Welcome to Utah.
-If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
-%
-Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
-that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
-all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
-James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
-women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
-*thousands* of words to say it.
- Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
-Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
-what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
-as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
-major world power.
- I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
-the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
-out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
- Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
-
-* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
- nature and will kill you.
-* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
-night. Live, on the Death label.
- -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
-%
-Well begun is half done.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
-no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
-hundred."
- -- The Mahabharata
-%
-We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
-%
-Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
-%
-Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
- -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
- Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
- Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
- at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
- per hour, December 7, 1941.
-%
-Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
-Might as well have put it down the drain.
-Fancy giving money to the Government!
-Nobody will see the stuff again.
-Well, they've no idea what money's for --
-Ten to one they'll start another war.
-I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
-Fancy giving money to the Government!
- -- A. P. Herbert
-%
-We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
-%
-Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
-to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
- -- Laurie Anderson
-%
-Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
-lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
-governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
-reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
-contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
-will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
-most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
-appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
-morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
-interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
-guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
-the entire show without answering a single question ...
- -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
-%
-Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
-The headline screamed that I was still alive,
-I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
-I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
-In a little cantina that the boys had found,
-I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
-When along came a senorita,
-She looked so good that I had to meet her,
-I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
-When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
-And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
-Grow some funk of your own.
-We no like to with the gringo fight,
-But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
-...
-Take my advice, take the next flight,
-And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
- -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
-%
-Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
-back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
-or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
-couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
- -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
-%
-Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_\bc_\ba_\bn*
-you believe?!
- -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
-%
-Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
- -- James Thurber
-%
-Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
-rights.
- -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
-%
-Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
-%
-We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
-%
-WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
- By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
- assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
-%
-Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
-And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
-Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
-Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
-But the meanest thing that he ever did,
-Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
-...
-But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
-I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
-And kill the man that give me that awful name.
-It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
-I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
-Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
-At an old saloon on a street of mud,
-Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
-Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
-...
-Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
-From a worn out picture that my Mother had,
-And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
- -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
-%
-Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
-And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
-I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
-I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-
-If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
-Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
-'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
-I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-
-On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
-But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
-Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
-I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
- -- Core Dumped Blues
-%
-Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
-bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
-doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
- -- Wayne Pascoe
-%
-We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
-%
-Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
-And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
-But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
-And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
-%
-Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
-%
-Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
- -- Joe E. Lewis
-%
-We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
-we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-Well, we'll really have a party,
-but we've gotta post a guard outside.
- -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
-%
-"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
-poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
-and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
- -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
-%
-Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
-And we're loved everywhere we go.
-We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
-At ten thousand dollars a show.
-We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
-But the thrill we've never known,
-Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
-On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
-
-I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
-Who embroiders on my jeans.
-I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
-Drivin' my limousine.
-Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
-But our minds won't be really be blown;
-Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
-On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
-
-We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
-Who'll do anything we say.
-We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
-We got all the friends that money can buy,
-So we never have to be alone.
-And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
-On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
- -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
- [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
-%
-Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
-higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
-%
-WELL-ADJUSTED:
- The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
-%
-We
-own
-this land.
-
-I don't spend
-any time
-on this land.
-
-This
-is a tiny
-little piece
-
-of my
-business
-interests.
-
-It's like
-a grain
-of sand.
- -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
- recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
- From SPY Magazine, November 1992
-%
-We're all in this alone.
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
-people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
-Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
-and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
-it's not going to do anything for you.
- -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
-%
-We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
-the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
-you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
-in his bowl full of jelly.
- -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
-%
-We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
-things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
-and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
- -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
-%
-We're happy little Vegemites,
- As bright as bright can be.
-We all enjoy our Vegemite
- For breakfast, lunch and tea.
-%
-Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
-formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
-shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
-a grin.
- -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
-%
-We're Knights of the Round Table
-We dance whene'er we're able
-We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
-With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
-We dine well here in Camelot But many times
-We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
- That are quite unsingable
-In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
-Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
-Between our quests
-We sequin vests
-And impersonate Clark Gable
-It's a busy life in Camelot.
-I have to push the pram a lot.
- -- Monty Python
-%
-We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
- -- D. W. Robertson
-%
-We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
-but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
-then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
- -- Ensign Flandry
-%
-"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
-weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
-the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
-unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
-responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
-desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
-learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
-short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
- -- Don Juan
-%
-We're only in it for the volume.
- -- Black Sabbath
-%
-Were there no women, men might live like gods.
- -- Thomas Dekker
-%
-Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
-%
-Westheimer's Discovery:
- A couple of months in the laboratory can
- frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
-%
-Wethern's Law:
- Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
-%
-We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
-of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
-but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
- -- Andy Rooney
-%
-We've tried each spinning space mote
-And reckoned its true worth:
-Take us back again to the homes of men
-On the cool, green hills of Earth.
-
-The arching sky is calling
-Spacemen back to their trade.
-All hands! Standby! Free falling!
-And the lights below us fade.
-Out ride the sons of Terra,
-Far drives the thundering jet,
-Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
-Out, far, and onward yet--
-
-We pray for one last landing
-On the globe that gave us birth;
-Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
-And the cool, green hills of Earth.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
-%
-Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
-%
-What!? Me worry?
- -- A. E. Neuman
-%
-What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
-by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
-Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
- -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
-%
-What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
-understand what a misfortune it is.
- -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
-%
-What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
- -- WOP, "War Games"
-%
-What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
- -- Christopher Fry
-%
-What an artist dies with me!
- -- Nero
-%
-What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
-back of a cheque.
- -- Brendan Francis
-%
-What awful irony is this?
-We are as gods, but know it not.
-%
-What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
-%
-What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
-%
-What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
-Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
-You and I know that a burden and a cross,
-Can only be carried on one man's back.
- -- Louden Wainwright III
-%
-What did you bring that book I didn't want
-to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
-%
-What did you do when the ship sank?
-I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
-%
-What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
-is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
-that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
-the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
-live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
-others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
-%
-What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
- -- Jerry Lester
-%
-What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
-Not enough sand.
-%
-What does education often do?
-It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
-What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
-%
-What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
-win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
-In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
-that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
-simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
-base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
-a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
-activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
-the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
-and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
-words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
-Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
-conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
-Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
-and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
- -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
-%
-What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-What ever happened to happily ever after?
-%
-What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
- -- Roger von Oech
-%
-What foods these morsels be!
-%
-What fools these morals be!
-%
-What fools these mortals be.
- -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-%
-What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
-%
-What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
-%
-What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
-that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
-country. Nice try anyway, George.
- -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA
-%
-What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
-where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
-%
-What good is a ticket to the good life,
-if you can't find the entrance?
-%
-What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
- -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
-%
-What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
-in his footsteps?
-%
-What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
- -- Ashleigh Brilliant
-%
-What happened last night can happen again.
-%
-What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
-involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
-be pretty bad.
- -- Dave Barry
-%
-What happens to a dream deferred?
-Does it dry up
-Like a raisin in the sun?
-Or fester like a sore --
-And then run?
-Does it stink like rotten meat?
-Or crust and sugar over --
-Like a syrupy sweet?
-
-Maybe it just sags
-Like a heavy load.
-
-Or does it explode?
- -- Langston Hughes
-%
-What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
-%
-What has roots as nobody sees,
-Is taller than trees,
-Up, up it goes,
-And yet never grows?
-%
-What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
-stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
-barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
-from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
-while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
-dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
-powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
-bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
-one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
-lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
-you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
-if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
-that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
-they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
-flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
- -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
-%
-What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
-broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
-is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
- -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
-%
-What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
-sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
-with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
-came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
-parties.
- -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
-What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
-%
-What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
-In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
-Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
- -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-What if there had been room at the inn?
- -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
-%
-What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
- -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
-%
-What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
-other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
-improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
-boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
-
- 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
- 2. We may not change our programming tools.
- 3. We may not change our hardware.
- 4. We may not change our tasks.
- 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
- in which the work has to be done.
-
-Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
-improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
-
-Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
-%
-What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
- -- J. M. Barrie
-%
-What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
-them puke.
- -- Steve Martin
-%
-What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
- -- Titus Lucretius Carus
-%
-What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
-will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
-weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
-but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
-our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
-What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
-all the weak: Christianity.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
-enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
-out of him.
- -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
-%
-What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
-an accomplice.
- -- Charles Baudelaire
-%
-What is love but a second-hand emotion?
- -- Tina Turner
-%
-What is mind? No matter.
-What is matter? Never mind.
- -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875)
-%
-What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
- -- William Blake
-%
-What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
- -- Will Harvey
-%
-What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
- -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
-%
-What is status?
- Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
-
-Uh, no...
- Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
- problem with him.
-
-Uh, that still ain't right...
- STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
- and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
- minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
-%
-What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
-It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
-establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
-%
-"What is the Nature of God?"
-
- CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
- 1 QT. SOUR CREAM
- 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
- 1/2 CUT CHIVES.
- STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
-
-"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
- -- Bloom County
-%
-What is the sound of one hand clapping?
-%
-What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
-if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
- -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
- from outside Sinanju named Remo.
-%
-What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
-of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
-is the first law of nature.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
-to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
-may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
-simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
-big thumping lie that will then be believed.
- -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
- British civilian morale, 1939
-%
-What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
-which is the exact opposite.
- -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
-%
-What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
-%
-What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
- -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
-%
-What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
-goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
- -- Jack Kerouac
-%
-What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
- -- Adolf Hitler
-%
-What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
-is that there's nothing to compare it with.
-%
-What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
-is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
-%
-What makes you think graduate school
-is supposed to be satisfying?
- -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
-%
-What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
-%
-What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
-is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
-%
-What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
-A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
- -- Wilde
-%
-What on earth would a man do with himself
-if something did not stand in his way?
- -- H. G. Wells
-%
-What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
- -- John Lilly
-%
-What one fool can do, another can.
- -- Ancient Simian proverb
-%
-What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
-%
-What pains others pleasures me,
-At home am I in Lisp or C;
-There i couch in ecstasy,
-'Til debugger's poke i flee,
-Into kernel memory.
-In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
-Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
-%
-What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
- -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
-%
-What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
-more than man's transparency.
- -- George Nathan
-%
-What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
-It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
-and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
-and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
-women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
-mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
-and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
- -- Susan Gordon
-%
-What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
-of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
-were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
-impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
-enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
-till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
-look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
-the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
-discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
-their grasp before they were five years old.
- -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
-%
-What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- -- Ursula K. LeGuin
-%
-What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
- -- J. D. Farley
-%
-What segment's this, that, laid to rest
-On FHA0, is sleeping?
-What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
-While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
- Dump, dump it and type it out,
- The file, the highseg of login.
-Why lies it here, on public disk
-And why is it now unprotected?
-A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
-And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
- Dump, dump it and type it out,
- The file, the highseg of login.
- -- to Greensleeves
-%
-What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
-%
-What soon grows old? Gratitude.
- -- Aristotle
-%
-What, still alive at twenty-two,
-A clean upstanding chap like you?
-Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
-Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
-Like enough, you won't be glad,
-When they come to hang you, lad:
-But bacon's not the only thing
-That's cured by hanging from a string.
-So, when the spilt ink of the night
-Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
-Lads whose job is still to do
-Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
- -- Hugh Kingsmill
-%
-What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
-around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
- -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
-%
-What the hell is it good for?
- -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
- Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
- microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
-%
-What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
-%
-What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
- -- Nikita Khruschev
-%
-What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
-%
-What they said:
- What they meant:
-
-"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
- (Yes, that about sums it up.)
-"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
- (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
-"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
- (What a screw-up.)
-"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
- (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
-"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
-a long way with his skills."
- (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
-"You won't find many people like her."
- (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
-"I cannot recommend him too highly."
- (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
- felony in my presence.)
-%
-What they said:
- What they meant:
-
-"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
-of him as I do."
- (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
-"Her input was always critical."
- (She never had a good word to say.)
-"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
- (And it's nonexistent.)
-"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
-already has so many outstanding members."
- (Unless you already have a moron.)
-"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
-one unbelievable result after another."
- (And we didn't believe them, either.)
-"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
- (In fact, to life in general...)
-%
-What they said:
- What they meant:
-
-"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
- (We certainly never succeeded.)
-There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
- (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
-"Success will never spoil him."
- (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
-"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
- (And such a sigh of relief.)
-"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
-in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
- (And his IQ, as well.)
-"He should go far."
- (The farther the better.)
-"He will take full advantage of his staff."
- (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
-%
-What they say: What they mean:
-
-A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
-Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
-Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
- to unforeseen difficulties
-Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
-Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
- assured grateful for anything at all.
-Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
-Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
-The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
- to say something.
-The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
-We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
- approach kicking it around.
-A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
- we're moving.
-Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
- inconclusive
-Modifications are underway We're starting over.
-%
-What they say: What they mean:
-
-New Different colors from previous version.
-All New Not compatible with previous version.
-Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
-Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
-Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
-Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
-Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
-Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
-Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
-Years of Development Finally got one to work.
-Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
-Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
-Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
-No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
-Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
-Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
-Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
-Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
-%
-What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
-%
-What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
-%
-What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
-%
-What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
-%
-What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
-%
-What time is it?
-I don't know, it keeps changing.
-%
-What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
-but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
- -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
-%
-What we Are is God's give to us.
-What we Become is our gift to God.
-%
-What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
- -- Wittgenstein
-%
-What we do not understand we do not possess.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
-nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
-Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
-remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
-process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
-be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
- -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
-What we need is either less corruption,
-or more chance to participate in it.
-%
-What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
- -- John Lubbock
-%
-What we wish, that we readily believe.
- -- Demosthenes
-%
-What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
-2038 does not bear thinking about.
- -- Henry Spencer
-%
-What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
-%
-What would you do with a brain if you had one?
- -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
-%
-What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
-%
-What you don't know won't help you much either.
- -- D. Bennett
-%
-What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
-your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
-your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
-powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
-with as you will.
- -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
-%
-What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
-something to occur to you.
- -- Robert Frost
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to AST's.]
-%
-Whatever became of eternal truth?
-%
-Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
-cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
-nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
-shredding hundred dollar bills."
- -- Herb Caen
-%
-Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
-never succeed.
- -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
-%
-Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
-performance.
- -- Helen Lawrenson
-%
-Whatever happened to the good old days
-when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
-%
-Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
-nailed down.
- -- Collis P. Huntingdon
-%
-Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
-Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
- -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
-%
-Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
- -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
-%
-Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
-cockroaches!
- -- Mom
-%
-Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
-as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
- -- Charlotte Whitton
-%
-Whatever you do will be insignificant,
-but it is very important that you do it.
- -- Mahatma Gandhi
-%
-Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
-other people.
- -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
-%
-Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
-%
-What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
- -- Robert Altman
-%
-What's all this bru-ha-ha?
-%
-What's another word for "thesaurus"?
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-What's done to children, they will do to society.
-%
-What's page one, a preemptive strike?
- -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
-%
-What's so funny?
-%
-What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
-with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-What's the ugliest part of your body?
-What's the ugliest part of your body?
-Some say your nose,
-Some say your toes,
-But I think it's your mind.
- -- Frank Zappa, 1965
-%
-What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
- -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
-%
-What's this stuff about people being "released on their
-own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
-%
-When a Banker jumps out of a window,
-jump after him -- that's where the money is.
- -- Robespierre
-%
-When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
-%
-When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
-%
-When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
-the principle of the thing," it's the money.
- -- Kin Hubbard
-%
-When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
-loop?
-%
-When a girl can read the handwriting on
-the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
-%
-When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
-inattentions of one.
- -- Helen Rowland
-%
-When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
-the first lion thinks the last a bore.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-When a lot of remedies are suggested for
-a disease, that means it can't be cured.
- -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
-%
-When a man assumes a public trust, he
-should consider himself as public property.
- -- Thomas Jefferson
-%
-When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
-it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
-keep her.
- -- Sacha Guitry
-%
-When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
-ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
-with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
-liar who has broken his promises.
- -- Franklin Adams
-%
-When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
-%
-When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
-far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
-is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
- -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
-%
-When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
-the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
-relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
- -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
-%
-When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
-first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
- -- Donnay
-%
-When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
-When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
- -- Wilde
-%
-When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
-yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
-
-Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
-out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
-by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
-to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
-that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
-looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
-poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
-him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
-death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
-story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
-the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of
-paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
- -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
-%
-When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
-interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
-honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
- -- The Grab Bag
-%
-When all else fails, EAT!!!
-%
-When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
-the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
-knob.
- -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
-%
-When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
-%
-When all other means of communication fail, try words.
-%
-When among apes, one must play the ape.
-%
-When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
-tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
- -- Reuben Flagg
-%
-When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
- -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
-%
-When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
-the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
- -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
-%
-When asked the definition of "pi":
-The Mathematician:
- Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
- circumference of a circle and its diameter.
-The Physicist:
- Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
-The Engineer:
- Pi is about 3.
-%
-When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
-%
-When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
- -- Brian Aldiss
-%
-When choosing between two evils, I always
-like to take the one I've never tried before.
- -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
-%
-When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
-easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
-handle this?"
-%
-When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
-%
-When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
-was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
-never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
-declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
-that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
-consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
- -- Josef Goebbels
-%
-When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?
-%
-When does later become never?
-%
-When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
-Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
-%
-When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
- -- Gen. C. Abrams
-%
-When forecasting, give them a number
-or give them a date, but never both.
-%
-When God endowed human beings with brains,
-He did not intend to guarantee them.
-%
-When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
-why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
- -- DeGourmont
-%
-When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
-inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
-blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
-screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
-stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
-himself to destruction.
- -- George Plimpton
-%
-When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
-to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
- -- Brendan Behan
-%
-When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
-He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
- -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
-%
-when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
-in my sleep.
-like my grandfather.
-
-not screaming,
-like the passengers in his car...
-%
-When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
-and a willingness to compromise.
- -- Weber cartoon caption
-%
-When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
-then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-When I grow up, I want to be an honest
-lawyer so things like that can't happen.
- -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
-%
-When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
-shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
-what you like now."
- -- Tolstoy
-%
-When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
-for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
-%
-When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
-year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
-winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
- -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
-%
-When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense
-live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to
-nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where
-I am in this torrent.
- -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
-%
-When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
-myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
-%
-When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
-to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
- -- Franklyn Ajaye
-%
-When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
-I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
-to be seen again.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
-%
-When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
-it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
- -- Al Capone
-%
-When I think about myself,
-I almost laugh myself to death,
-My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
-A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
-A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
-I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
-When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
- I laugh until my stomach ache,
- When I think about myself.
-My folks can make me split my side,
-I laughed so hard I nearly died,
-The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
-They grow the fruit,
-But eat the rind,
-I laugh until I start to crying,
-When I think about my folks.
- -- Maya Angelou
-%
-When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
-By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
-%
-When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
-Now I'm beginning to believe it.
- -- Clarence Darrow
-%
-When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
-I was an only child... eventually.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
-take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
-and get you."
- -- Jerry Lewis
-%
-When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
-all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
-It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
- -- Jack Handey
-%
-When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
-woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
- -- Robert Schuman
-%
-When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
-I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
-
-I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
-picture that came with the wallet he bought.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
-say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
-%
-When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
-I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
-When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
-of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
-seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
-always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
-would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
-organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
-The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
-to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
-together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
- -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
-%
-When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
-had to take drugs and go to concerts.
- -- Steven Pearl
-%
-When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
-or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
-remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
-pieces like this but we all have to do it.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
-slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-When I works, I works hard.
-When I sits, I sits easy.
-And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
-%
-When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
-the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
-the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
-comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
-he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
-questions like a senator.
- -- Muhammad Ali
-%
-When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
- -- Mae West
-%
-When in charge ponder,
-When in doubt mumble,
-When in trouble delegate.
-%
-When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
-to apologize than to get permission.
- -- Grace Murray Hopper
-%
-When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
-%
-When in doubt, follow your heart.
-%
-When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
- -- Raymond Chandler
-%
-When in doubt, lead trump.
-%
-When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
- -- James H. Boren
-%
-When in doubt, tell the truth.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-When in doubt, use brute force.
- -- Ken Thompson
-%
-When in panic, fear and doubt,
-Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
-%
-When in this world the headlines read
-Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
-Who rob and steal from those who need
-The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
-Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
-Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
-Fighting all who rob or plunder
-Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
-Underdog
-UNDERDOG!
-%
-When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
-%
-When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
-half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
-%
-When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
-%
-When it is not necessary to make a decision,
-it is necessary not to make a decision.
-%
-When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
- -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
-%
-When license fees are too high,
-users do things by hand.
-When the management is too intrusive,
-users lose their spirit.
-
-Hack for the user's benefit.
-Trust them; leave them alone.
-%
-When love is gone, there's always justice.
-And when justice is gone, there's always force.
-And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
-Hi, Mom!
- -- Laurie Anderson
-%
-When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
-will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
-%
-When Marriage is Outlawed,
-Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
-%
-When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
- -- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-When my brain begins to reel from my
-literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
- -- Ignatius Reilly
-%
-When my fist clenches crack it open,
-Before I use it and lose my cool.
-When I smile tell me some bad news,
-Before I laugh and act like a fool.
-
-And if I swallow anything evil,
-Put you finger down my throat.
-And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
-Keep me warm let me wear your coat
-
-No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
- to be the sad man.
-Behind blue eyes.
-No one knows what its like to be hated,
- to be fated,
-To telling only lies.
- -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"
-%
-When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
-at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
-think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
-wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
-become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
-Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
-was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
-women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
-a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
-most unlikely of situations.
- -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
-%
-When neither their poverty nor their honor is
-touched, the majority of men live content.
- -- Niccolo Machiavelli
-%
-When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
-%
-When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
- -- Dylan Thomas
-%
-When one knows women one pities men,
-but when one studies men, one excuses women.
- -- Horne Tooke
-%
-When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
-she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
-it less and less."
- -- Louise Andrews Kent
-%
-When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
-finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
- -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
- a camera for professional photographers
-%
-When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
-The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
-And Oxygen still had none
-Then Oxygen scored a single goal
-And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
-Called because of rain.
-%
-When people have trouble communicating,
-the least they can do is to shut up.
- -- Tom Lehrer
-%
-When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
-%
-When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
-%
-When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
-newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
-was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
-
- Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
- papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
- favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
- "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
- not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
- President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
- an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
- Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
-%
-When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
-every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
-is away and you get twice as much done.
- -- Daniel B. Luten
-%
-When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
-%
-When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
-big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
-%
-When some people discover the truth, they just
-can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
-%
-When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
-Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
-Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
-U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
-They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
-But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
-
-For might makes right, Members of the corps
-And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
-They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
- peaceful means.
-All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
-Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
- We only want the world to know
- That we support the status quo;
- They love us everywhere we go,
- So when in doubt, send the Marines!
- -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
-%
-When someone says "I want a programming language in
-which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
-%
-When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
- -- S. Johnson
-%
-When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
-%
-When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
-of asterisked sentences:
-
- It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
- And costs less than $1,300.**
-
-In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
-
- * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
- this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
- pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
- will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
- might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
-
- ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
- you really want to. Or less.
- -- Forbes
-%
-When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
- -- Turkish proverb
-%
-When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
- -- Chinese proverb
-%
-When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
-about themselves.
-%
-When the cup is full, carry it level.
-%
-When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
- -- Billy Sunday
-%
-When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
-muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
-%
-When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
- -- Jon Carroll
-%
-When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
-%
-When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
-%
-When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-When the government bureau's remedies do not match
-your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
-%
-When the Guru administers, the users
-are hardly aware that he exists.
-Next best is a sysop who is loved.
-Next, one who is feared.
-And worst, one who is despised.
-
-If you don't trust the users,
-you make them untrustworthy.
-
-The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
-When his work is done,
-the users say, "Amazing:
-we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
-%
-When the leaders speak of peace
-The common folk know
-That war is coming
-When the leaders curse war
-The mobilization order is already written out.
-
-Every day, to earn my daily bread
-I go to the market where lies are bought
-Hopefully
-I take my place among the sellers.
- -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
-%
-When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
-the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
-nose bleed, which usually cures them of _\bt_\bh_\ba_\bt.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
-like a nail.
-%
-When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-When the revolution comes, count your change.
-%
-When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
-if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
-he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
-right."
- "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
-the wrong joke."
-%
-When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
-metaphysics.
- -- Voltaire
-%
-When the sun shineth, make hay.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
-stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
-from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
-were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
-corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
-he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
-seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
-"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
-stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
-several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
- The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
-what's your name?"
- "Samuel," he mumbled.
- "And where're you from, Sam?"
- "The balcony."
-%
-When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
-plane will fly.
- -- Donald Douglas
-%
-When the wind is great, bow before it;
-when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
-%
-When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
-is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
- -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
-%
-When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-When things go well, expect something to
-explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
-%
-When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
-insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
-required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
-exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-When users see one GUI as beautiful,
-other user interfaces become ugly.
-When users see some programs as winners,
-other programs become lossage.
-
-Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
-High level and assembler depend on each other.
-Double and float cast to each other.
-High-endian and low-endian define each other.
-While and until follow each other.
-
-Therefore the Guru
-programs without doing anything
-and teaches without saying anything.
-Warnings arise and he lets them come;
-processes are swapped and he lets them go.
-He has but doesn't possess,
-acts but doesn't expect.
-When his work is done, he deletes it.
-That is why it lasts forever.
-%
-When we are planning for posterity,
-we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
- -- Thomas Paine
-%
-When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
-anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
-two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
-history of war have so few been led by so many.
- -- General James Gavin
-%
-When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
-%
-When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
-except our fingertips will have been singed.
- -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
-%
-When we write programs that "learn",
-it turns out we do and they don't.
-%
-When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
- -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
-%
-When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
-when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
-even our virtues.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
- -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
-%
-When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
-of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
-proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
-goal.
- -- Amrom Katz
-%
-When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
-when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
- -- St. Ambrose
-%
-When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
-%
-When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
-%
-When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
-something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
-your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
-the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
-vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
-eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
-narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
-will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
-But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
-from, to torture and unsettle us?
- -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
-%
-When you become used to never being alone,
-you may consider yourself Americanized.
-%
-When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
-%
-When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
- -- Brooke Shields
-%
-When you dig another out of trouble,
-you've got a place to bury your own.
-%
-When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
-%
-When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
-%
-When you find yourself in danger,
-When you're threatened by a stranger,
-When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
-
-There is one thing you should learn,
-When there is no one else to turn to,
- Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
- Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
-%
-When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
-And the world makes you King for a day,
-Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
-And see what that guy has to say.
- For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
- Who judgement upon you must pass.
- The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
- Is the guy staring back from the glass.
-He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
-For he's with you clear up to the end,
-And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
-If the guy in the glass is your friend.
- You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
- And think you're a wonderful guy,
- But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
- If you can't look him straight in the eye.
-You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
-And get pats on the back as you pass,
-But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
-If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
- -- "The Guy in the Glass"
- Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954)
- [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
- especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
-%
-When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
-people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- -- Norm Crosby
-%
-When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
-%
-When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
- -- Harry S. Truman
-%
-When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
-remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
- -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
-%
-When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
-clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
-answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
-acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
- -- R. A. Lafferty
-%
-When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
- -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
-%
-When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
-moves the ground from beneath your feet.
- -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
-%
-When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
-asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
-know the answer either.
- -- Edgar R. Fiedler
-%
-When you live in a sick society,
-just about everything you do is wrong.
-%
-When you make your mark in the world,
-watch out for guys with erasers.
- -- The Wall Street Journal
-%
-When you meet a master swordsman,
-show him your sword.
-When you meet a man who is not a poet,
-do not show him your poem.
- -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
-%
-When you overesteem great hackers,
-more users become cretins.
-When you develop encryption,
-more users become crackers.
-
-The Guru leads
-by emptying user's minds
-and increasing their quotas,
-by weakening their ambition
-and toughening their resolve.
-When users lack knowledge and desire,
-management will not try to interfere.
-
-Practice not-looping,
-and everything will fall into place.
-%
-When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
-you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
- -- Otto von Bismarck
-%
-When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
-when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
-%
-When you try to make an impression, the
-chances are that is the impression you will make.
-%
-When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
-%
-When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
-When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
-%
-When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
-They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
- -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
-%
-When your memory goes, forget it!
-%
-When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
- -- Henry J. Kaiser
-%
-When you're a Yup
-You're a Yup all the way
-From your first slice of Brie
-To your last Cabernet.
-
-When you're a Yup
-You're not just a dreamer
-You're making things happen
-You're driving a Beamer.
-%
-When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
-Wretched, bored, dejected, only
-Here's the rub, my darling dear,
-I feel the same when you are near.
- -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
-%
-When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
- -- David Pryce-Jones
-%
-When you're dining out and you suspect
-something's wrong, you're probably right.
-%
-When you're down and out, lift up your
-voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
-%
-When you're in command, command.
- -- Admiral Nimitz
-%
-When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
-you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
-of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
- -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
-%
-When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
-%
-When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
-%
-WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
-your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
-laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
-to become a parrot or something.
- -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
-%
-Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
- -- Dave Parnas
-%
-Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
-to spend their weekends with?
- -- Rita Rudner
-%
-Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
-%
-Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
-a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
- -- Abraham Lincoln
-%
-Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
-is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
-Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
- -- Jack Handey
-%
-Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
- We people on the pavement looked at him:
-He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
- Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
-And he was always quietly arrayed,
- And he was always human when he talked;
-But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
- "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
-And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
- And admirably schooled in every grace:
-In fine, we thought that he was everything
- To make us wish that we were in his place.
-So on we worked, and waited for the light,
- And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
-And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
- Went home and put a bullet through his head.
- -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
-%
-Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
-you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
-%
-Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
-you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
-Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
- -- Mark Twain
- "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
-%
-Whenever you find that you are on the
-side of the majority, it is time to reform.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
-weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
-and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
- -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
-%
-Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
-%
-Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
- -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996
-%
-Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
-%
-WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
- Oh, dear, where can the matter be
- When it's converted to energy?
- There is a slight loss of parity.
- Johnny's so long at the fair.
-%
-Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
- -- Karl Kraus
-%
-Where do you go to get anorexia?
- -- Shelley Winters
-%
-Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
-is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
- -- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Where is John Carson now that we need him?
- -- RLG
-%
-Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
-examine the laws of heat.
- -- Christopher Morley
-%
-Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
-Why did you leave me here all alone?
-I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
-You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
-
-Gloom, despair and agony on me.
-Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
-If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
-Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
- -- Hee Haw
-%
-Where the hell is Wall Drug?
-%
-Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
-%
-Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
-in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
-%
-Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-Where there's a whip there's a way.
-%
-Where there's a will, there's a relative.
-%
-Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
-%
-Where will it all end?
-Probably somewhere near where it all began.
-%
-Where you stand depends on where you sit.
- -- Rufus Miles, HEW
-%
-Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
- -- Wittgenstein
-%
-Where's the man could ease a heart
-Like a satin gown?
- -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
-%
-...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
-spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
- -- Richard Shelton
-%
-Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
-Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
-Go on, do not rest.
- -- An old Gujarati hymn
-%
-Whether you can hear it or not
-The Universe is laughing behind your back
- -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
-%
-Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
-%
-Which would you rather have, a bursting
-planet or an earthquake here and there?
- -- John Joseph Lynch
-%
-While anyone can admit to themselves they were
-wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
-%
-While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
-The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
-While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
-And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
-Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
-The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
- -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
- November 26, 1792
-%
-While having never invented a sin,
-I'm trying to perfect several.
-%
-While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
-Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
-began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
-lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
-define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
-a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
- -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
-%
-While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
-As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
- -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to hardware interrupts.]
-
-And now I see with eye serene
-The very pulse of the machine.
- -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
-
- [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
- referring to software interrupts.]
-%
-While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
-keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
- -- Edward Stevenson
-%
-While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
-lets you choose your own form of misery.
-%
-While most peoples' opinions change,
-the conviction of their correctness never does.
-%
-While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
-held a gun to his head.
- "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
- The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
-as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
- "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
- Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
-his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
-%
-While there's life, there's hope.
- -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
-%
-While walking down a crowded
-City street the other day,
-I heard a little urchin
-To a comrade turn and say,
-"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
-I'd be happy as a clam
-If only I was de feller dat
-Me mudder t'inks I am.
-
-"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
-An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
-Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
-Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
-Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
-How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
-If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
-Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
- -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
-%
-While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
- -- Dean Rusk
-%
-While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
-still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
-%
-While you recently had your problems on the run,
-they've regrouped and are making another attack.
-%
-While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
-safe, for you can watch both of his.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Whip it, whip it good!
-%
-Whistler's Law:
- You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
-%
-Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
-%
-White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
-%
-Whitehead's Law:
- The obvious answer is always overlooked.
-%
-White's Statement:
- Don't lose heart!
-
-Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
- ...they might want to cut it out...
-
-Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
- ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
-%
-Who are you?
-%
-Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
- -- Nathan Pusey
-%
-Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
-our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
-%
-Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
- -- Hattie McDaniel
-%
-Who does not love wine, women, and song,
-Remains a fool his whole life long.
- -- Johann Heinrich Voss
-%
-Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
- -- Lao Tsu
-%
-Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
- -- Thomas Tusser
-%
-Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now?
-%
-Who is John Galt?
-%
-Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
-%
-Who loves me will also love my dog.
- -- John Donne
-%
-Who loves not wisely but too well
-Will look on Helen's face in hell,
-But he whose love is thin and wise
-Will view John Knox in Paradise.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-Who made the world I cannot tell;
-'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
-My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
-I never soiled with such a deed.
- -- A. E. Housman
-%
-Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
-%
-Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
-%
-Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
-No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
-%
-Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
- -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
-%
-Who to himself is law no law doth need,
-offends no law, and is a king indeed.
- -- George Chapman
-%
-Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
-%
-Who was that masked man?
-%
-Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
-%
-Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
-%
-Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
-become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
-into you.
- -- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
-pure in heart can make a good soup.
- -- Ludwig van Beethoven
-%
-Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
-%
-"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
- -- George Ade
-%
-Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
-%
-Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
-%
-Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
- -- Bernard Levin
-%
-Who's on first?
-%
-Who's scruffy-looking?
- -- Han Solo
-%
-Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
-Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
-%
-Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
- -- Paul Simon
-%
-Why are programmers non-productive?
-Because their time is wasted in meetings.
-
-Why are programmers rebellious?
-Because the management interferes too much.
-
-Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
-Because they are burnt out.
-
-Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
- -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
-%
-Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could
-have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
- -- Ian Shoales
-%
-Why are you so hard to ignore?
-%
-Why are you watching
-The washing machine?
-I love entertainment
-So long as it's clean.
-
-Professor Doberman:
- While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
-pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
-improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
-experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
-must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
-fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
-receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
-been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
-meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
-suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
-implications.
-%
-Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
- -- Erik Satie
-%
-Why be a man when you can be a success?
- -- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-Why be difficult, when, with just a
-little more effort, you can be impossible?
-%
-Why bother building anymore nuclear
-warheads until we use the ones we have?
-%
-Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
-%
-Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
-movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
-%
-Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
-automation?
-%
-Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
-meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
-doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
-corner."
-%
-Why do seagulls live near the sea?
-'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
-%
-Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
-It's quite uncanny.
-%
-Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
-%
-Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
-%
-Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
-%
-Why do we want intelligent terminals
-when there are so many stupid users?
-%
-Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
- -- Carl Sandburg
-%
-Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
-%
-Why does man kill? He kills for food.
-And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
-%
-Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
-more lawyers?
-
-New Jersey had first choice.
-%
-Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
- -- Jimmy Durante
-%
-Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
-
-Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
-%
-Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
-We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
-we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
-pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
-pay the fiddler.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
-Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
- -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
-%
-Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
-kissed her cow.
- -- Rabelais
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
- -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
- -- None of my socks match.
- -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
- -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
- -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
- -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
- -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
- -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
- named Basil Metabolism.
- -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
- -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
- -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
- -- I feel a song coming on.
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
- -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
- -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
- -- I'm trying to be less popular.
- -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
- -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
- -- My subconscious says no.
- -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
- can't seem to put it down.
- -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
- -- I have to study for my blood test.
- -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
- -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
- -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
- -- I have to floss my cat.
- -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
- -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
- -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
- -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
- -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
- -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
- -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
- -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
- -- I have some really hard words to look up.
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
- -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
- -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
- -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
- -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
- -- I have to fulfill my potential.
- -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
- -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
- -- I have to bleach my hare.
- -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
- -- I left my body in my other clothes.
-%
-Why I Can't Go Out With You:
-
-I'd LOVE to, but...
- -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
- -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
- -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
- -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
- -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
- -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
- -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
- -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
- -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
- -- My crayons all melted together.
-%
-Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
-%
-Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
-%
-Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
-It is because we are not the person involved.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
- -- Lily Tomlin
-%
-Why isn't there some cheap and easy
-way to prove how much she means to me?
-%
-Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
-you knowing nothing?
- -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
-%
-Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
-are another's.
- -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
-%
-Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
-not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
-Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
-do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
-me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
-I can't think why not.
- -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
- "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
-%
-Why not go out on a limb?
-Isn't that where the fruit is?
-%
-Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
-Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
-children open their old-fashioned presents.
-
-Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
-
-You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
- falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
-
-Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
- with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
- and I get this cretin TOP?"
-
-Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
-
-You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
-
-Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
- -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
-%
-Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
-fresh one for a quarter of the price?
-%
-Why was I born with such contemporaries?
- -- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
-wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
-unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
-not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
-beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
-incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
-into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
-needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
-origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
-we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
-parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
-eternity for his faithlessness.
- -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
- Fortnightly Review, 1876
-%
-Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
- -- Tom Ryan
-%
-Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
-%
-Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
- No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
-when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
-direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
- -- John L. Shelton
-%
-Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
- -- The Tasmanian Devil
-%
-Wiker's Law:
- Government expands to absorb all
- available revenue and then some.
-%
-Wilcox's Law:
- A pat on the back is only a few
- centimeters from a kick in the pants.
-%
-Will Rogers never met you.
-%
-Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
-That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
-%
-Will your long-winded speeches never end?
-What ails you that you keep on arguing?
- -- Job 16:3
-%
-Williams and Holland's Law:
- If enough data is collected,
- anything may be proven by statistical methods.
-%
-Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
-See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
-Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
-Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
-
-Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
-Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
-Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
-Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
-
-William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
-Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
-Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
-"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter."
- -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
-%
-Wilner's Observation:
- All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
-%
-Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
- -- Vince Lombardi
-%
-Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
-%
-Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
-If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
-head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
- -- Robert Byrne
-%
-Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
-as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
-%
-[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
-hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
- -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
-%
-Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
- -- J. Winter Smith
-%
-Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
-%
-Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
- -- Frank Tyger
-%
-Wit, n.:
- The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
- by leaving it out.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
-try to be a fraud and a half.
- -- Otto von Bismarck
-%
-With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-With all the fancy scientists in the world,
-why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
-%
-With all the talent around, it's sort of
-amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
- -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
-%
-With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
-%
-With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
-they make a law it's a joke.
- -- W. Rogers
-%
-With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
-miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
-and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
-is no such thing as progress.
- -- Ransom K. Ferm
-%
-With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
-she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
- -- Tolstoy
-%
-With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
-%
-With reasonable men I will reason;
-with humane men I will plead;
-but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
- -- William Lloyd Garrison
-%
-With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
-celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
-party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
-eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
-parties.
- "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
-strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
-your G.P.A.?"
- Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
-the city and forty on the highway."
-%
-With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
-it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
-close. Like catching snakes.
- -- Marlon Brando
-%
-Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
-%
-Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
-community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
-keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
-Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
-we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
-I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
-them again -- and this time we'd use it.
- -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
- White House's National Security Council, Washington
- Post, 21 March, 1982
-%
-Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
- -- Alfred North Whitehead
-%
-Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
-way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
-indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
-important to him than his table or his white robe.
- -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
-%
-Without fools there would be no wisdom.
-%
-Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
-%
-Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
-%
-Without love intelligence is dangerous;
-without intelligence love is not enough.
- -- Ashley Montagu
-%
-With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
- -- Pink Floyd
-%
-Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
-Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
-The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
- -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
-%
-Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
-bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
-Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
-%
-WOLF:
- A man who knows all the ankles.
-%
-Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
-Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
-%
-Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- -- Dumas
-%
-Woman is generally so bad that the difference
-between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
- -- Tolstoy
-%
-Woman, n.:
- An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
- having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
-Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
- I shall be sober in the morning.
-%
-Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
-out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
-equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
-that he might love her.
- -- Henry
-%
-Woman would be more charming if one could
-fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
- -- DeGourmont
-%
-Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
- -- Cervantes
-%
-Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
- (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
- (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
- (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
- (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
- VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
- (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
- -- Rich Kulawiec
-%
-Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
-they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
- -- Warren Beatty
-%
-Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
-once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
-marriage certificates, and defy you.
- -- Jerrold
-%
-Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
-from charity, or revenge?
- -- Gustave Vapereau
-%
-Women are just like men, only different.
-%
-Women are like elephants to me: I like to
-look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
- -- Herold
-%
-Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
- -- Napoleon
-%
-Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
- -- Stephens
-%
-Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
- -- Pogo
-%
-Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
-but it takes more of them to do it.
-%
-Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
- -- Derek Young
-%
-Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
-categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
- -- Ann Landers
-%
-Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
-as good as any other.
- -- Philippe De Remi
-%
-Women give themselves to God when the
-Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
- -- Arnould
-%
-Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
-but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
- -- Wilde
-%
-Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
-crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
- -- Ansey
-%
-Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
-In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
-original earth clinging to the roots.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
-than men who reason with the head.
- -- DeLescure
-%
-Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
-but never a man who misses one.
- -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
-%
-Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
-us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
- -- Wilde
-%
-Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
-them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
-than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
- -- Mort Sahl
-%
-Women waste men's lives and think they have
-indemnified them by a few gracious words.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Women, when they are not in love, have all
-the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
-always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
- -- Honore de Balzac
-%
-Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
-%
-Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
-not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
-graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
- -- Amiel
-%
-Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
-%
-Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
- -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
-%
-Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
-and philosophy begins in wonder.
- Socrates, quoting Plato
-%
-Wonderful day.
-Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
-%
-Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
-you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
-down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
-tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
-long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
-there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
-come back.
-
-Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
-when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
-Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
-cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
-heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
-beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
-and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
-although their insurance rates went way up.
- -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-Woodward's Law:
- A theory is better than its explanation.
-%
-Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
- Let's just cut to the happy ending.
- -- Cheers, Airport V
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
-Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
- -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
-
-Sam: Beer, Norm?
-Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
- -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
-%
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
-Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
- -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
-
-Sam: What are you up to Norm?
-Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
- -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
-
-Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
-Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
- -- Cheers, Loverboyd
-%
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
-Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
- -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
-
-Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
- swallowed the canary.
-Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
- -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
-
-Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
- -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
-%
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
-Norm: The warranty on my liver.
- -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
-
-Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
-Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
- -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
-
-Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
- -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
-%
-Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Poor.
-Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
-Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
- -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
-Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
- -- Cheers, The Proposal
-
-Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
-Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
- -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
-%
-Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
- -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
-
-Sam: How's life treating you?
-Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
- -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
-
-Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
-Woody: For a beer?
-Norm: No, for stupid questions.
- -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
-%
-Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
- -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
-
-Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
-Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
- -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
-
-Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
-Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
- Eh, make that one-thirty.
- -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
-%
-Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
- People would rather live with a problem they cannot
- solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
-%
-Words are the voice of the heart.
-%
-Words can never express what words can never express.
-%
-Words have a longer life than deeds.
- -- Pindar
-%
-Words must be weighed, not counted.
-%
-WORK:
- The blessed respite from screaming kids and
- soap operas for which you actually get paid.
-%
-Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
-Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Work continues in this area.
- -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
-%
-Work expands to fill the time available.
- -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
-%
-Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
-the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
-to do so.
- -- Bertrand Russell
-%
-Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
- -- Schulz
-%
-Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- -- Mike Romanoff
-%
-Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
-a handshake, and have fun.
- -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
- shortly before dying at the age of 86.
-%
-Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
- We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
-any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
-should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
-and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
-bargained for.
-%
-Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
-%
-Work without a vision is slavery,
-Vision without work is a pipe dream,
-But vision with work is the hope of the world.
-%
-Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
-chairs.
-%
-Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
-a valentine.
- -- Christopher Plummer
-%
-World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
-since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
-thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
--- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
-together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
-error in the world."
- -- Sydney Harris
-%
-World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
-dress code!
-%
-Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
-It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-%
-Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
- August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
- -- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worst Month of the Year:
- February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
- you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
- don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
- -- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
- From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
- in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
- exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
-%
-Worst Vegetable of the Year:
- Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
- -- Steve Rubenstein
-%
-Worth seeing?
-Yes, but not worth going to see.
-%
-Worthless.
- -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
- (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
- Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
- "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
- 15, 1842.
-%
-Would it help if I got out and pushed?
- -- Princess Leia Organa
-%
-Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
- -- Alfieri
-%
-Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
-%
-Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
- -- John Heywood
-%
-Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
-%
-Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
-%
-Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
-%
-Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
-stuff ...
- -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
- trial testimony, 1947
-%
-Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
- -- George Carlin
-%
-Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
-a turn-on?
- -- "Broadcast News"
-%
-Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
-Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
- -- Anonymous
-%
-Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
-%
-Write-protect tab, n.:
- A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
- by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
- once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
- inconvenience.
- -- Robb Russon
-%
-Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
-witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
-from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
-Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
-and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
-make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
-century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
-Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
-PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
-holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
-is itself the one hope for salvation.
- -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
-%
-Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
- -- Frank Zappa
-%
-Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
-%
-Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
-paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
- -- Gene Fowler
-%
-Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
- -- J. P. Donleavy
-%
-Writing software is more fun than working.
-%
-WRONG!
-%
-"Wrong," said Renner.
-
-"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
-the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
-%
-WYSIWYG:
- What You See Is What You Get.
-%
-X windows:
- Accept any substitute.
- If it's broke, don't fix it.
- If it ain't broke, fix it.
- Form follows malfunction.
- The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
- The trailing edge of software technology.
- Armageddon never looked so good.
- Japan's secret weapon.
- You'll envy the dead.
- Making the world safe for competing window systems.
- Let it get in YOUR way.
- The problem for your problem.
- If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
- It could be worse, but it'll take time.
- Simplicity made complex.
- The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
- Flakey and built to stay that way.
-
-One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
- X windows.
-%
-X windows:
- It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
- The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
- Built to take on the world... and lose!
- Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
- Power tools for Power Fools.
- Putting new limits on productivity.
- The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
- Design by counterexample.
- A new level of software disintegration.
- No hardware is safe.
- Do your time.
- Rationalization, not realization.
- Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
- Gratuitous incompatibility.
- Your mother.
- THE user interference management system.
- You can't argue with failure.
- You haven't died 'til you've used it.
-
-The environment of today... tomorrow!
- X windows.
-%
-X windows:
- Something you can be ashamed of.
- 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
- The first fully modular software disaster.
- Rome was destroyed in a day.
- Warn your friends about it.
- Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
- An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
- Don't wait for the movie.
- Never use it after a big meal.
- Need we say less?
- Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
- It'll make your day.
- Don't get frustrated without it.
- Power tools for power losers.
- A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
- Never had it. Never will.
- The software with no visible means of support.
- More than just a generation behind.
-
-Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
- X windows.
-%
-X windows:
- The ultimate bottleneck.
- Flawed beyond belief.
- The only thing you have to fear.
- Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
- On autopilot to oblivion.
- The joke that kills.
- A disgrace you can be proud of.
- A mistake carried out to perfection.
- Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
- To err is X windows.
- Ignorance is our most important resource.
- Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
- Built to fall apart.
- Nullifying centuries of progress.
- Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
- The last thing you need.
- The de facto substandard.
-
-Elevating brain damage to an art form.
- X windows.
-%
-X windows:
- We will dump no core before its time.
- One good crash deserves another.
- A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
- We make excuses.
- It didn't even look good on paper.
- You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
- A new concept in abuser interfaces.
- How can something get so bad, so quickly?
- It could happen to you.
- The art of incompetence.
- You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
- When uselessness just isn't enough.
- More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
- When you can't afford to be right.
- And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
-
-If it works, it isn't X windows.
-%
-X windows:
- You'd better sit down.
- Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
- Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
- Live the nightmare.
- Our bugs run faster.
- When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
- There ARE no rules.
- You'll wish we were kidding.
- Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
- Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
- There's got to be a better way.
- The next best thing to keypunching.
- Leave the thrashing to us.
- We wrote the book on core dumps.
- Even your dog won't like it.
- More than enough rope.
- Garbage at your fingertips.
-
-Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
- X windows.
-%
-Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
-%
-Xerox never comes up with anything original.
-%
-XEROX never does anything original.
-%
-XI:
- If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
- get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
- times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
- the managers would fly off.
-XII:
- It costs a lot to build bad products.
-XIII:
- There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
- There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
- intermingle the two.
-XIV:
- After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
- be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
- of every airplane's weight.
-XV:
- The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
- and two-thirds of the problems.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-XIIdigitation, n.:
- The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
- by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-XLI:
- The more one produces, the less one gets.
-XLII:
- Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
-XLIII:
- Hardware works best when it matters the least.
-XLIV:
- Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
- direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
- additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
-XLV:
- One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
- unexpected should have been expected.
-XLVI:
- A billion saved is a billion earned.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-XLVII:
- Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
- third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
-XLVIII:
- The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
- less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
- Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
- until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
-XLIX:
- Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
-L:
- The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
- chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
- as long as the official's who created it.
-LI:
- By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
- government workers than there are workers.
-LII:
- People working in the private sector should try to save money.
- There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
- -- Erik Naggum
-%
-XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
-enough of it.
- -- XML guru Chris Maden
-%
-X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
-they leave to the imagination is the plot.
-%
-XVI:
- In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
- aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
- Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
- made available to the Marines for the extra day.
-XVII:
- Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
- and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
-XVIII:
- It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
- to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
- ten degradation accomplished.
-XIX:
- Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
- be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
-XX:
- In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
- approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
- administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-XXI:
- It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
-XXII:
- If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
- not selling advice.
-XXIII:
- Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
- currently estimated.
-XXIV:
- The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
- established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
- costly action known to man.
-XXV:
- A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
- or a new canvas to an artist.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-XXVI:
- If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
- other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
-XXVII:
- Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
-XXVIII:
- It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
-XXIX:
- Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
- jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
- hang on about half a decade.
-XXX:
- By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
- the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-XXXI:
- The optimum committee has no members.
-XXXII:
- Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
- turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
-XXXIII:
- Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
-XXXIV:
- The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
- is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
- randomly.
-XXXV:
- The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
- the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
- the data authenticity.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-XXXVI:
- The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
- contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
- proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
- at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
-XXXVII:
- Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
- The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
-XXXVIII:
- The early bird gets the worm.
- The early worm ... gets eaten.
-XXXIX:
- Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
- the year -- in either direction.
-XL:
- Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
-Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
-%
-Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
-goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
-their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
-unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
-doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
- -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments"
-%
-Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
-rays and became a tangent ?
-%
-Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
- -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
-%
-Yea from the table of my memory
-I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
- -- Hamlet
-%
-Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
-fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
-operators together.
- -- Steve Higgins
-%
-Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
-%
-Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
-%
-Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
-a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
-%
-Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
-the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
-a private eye.
- -- Calvin
-%
-Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
-but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
-%
-Year Name James Bond Book
----- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
-50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
-1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
-1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
-1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
-1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
-1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
-1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
-1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
-1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
-1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
-1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
-1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
-1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
-1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
-1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
-1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
-1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
-1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
- * -- Not a Broccoli production
-%
-Year, n.:
- A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
-%
-Yes, but which self do you want to be?
-%
-Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
- -- James D. Nicoll
-%
-Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
-L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
- -- Rita Rudner
-%
-Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
-And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
-Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
-But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
-Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
-I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
- -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
-%
-Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
-that order.
- -- George Michaelson
-%
-Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
-Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
-Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
- -- Snoopy
-%
-Yesterday upon the stair
-I met a man who wasn't there.
-He wasn't there again today --
-I think he's from the CIA.
-%
-Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
-astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
-I'm not respectable.
- -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
-%
-Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
-feet.
- -- John Cheever
-%
-Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
- -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
-%
-Yinkel, n.:
- A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
- hoping no one will notice.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
-%
-You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
-spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
-%
-You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
-%
-You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
-%
-You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
-use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
-the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
-moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
-%
-You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
-%
-You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
- -- Philip Whalen
-%
-You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-You are always busy.
-%
-You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
-%
-You are an insult to my intelligence!
-I demand that you log off immediately.
-%
-You are as I am with You.
-%
-You are capable of planning your future.
-%
-You are confused; but this is your normal state.
-%
-You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
-%
-You are destined to become the commandant of the
-fighting men of the department of transportation.
-%
-You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
-%
-You are fairminded, just and loving.
-%
-You are false data.
-%
-You are farsighted, a good planner,
-an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
-%
-You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
-%
-You are going to have a new love affair.
-%
-You are here:
- ***
- ***
- *********
- *******
- *****
- ***
- *
-
- But you're not all there.
-%
-You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
-%
-You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
-%
-You are in the hall of the mountain king.
-%
-You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
-%
-You are loved by the multitudes.
-Have you been to the clinic lately?
-%
-You are magnetic in your bearing.
-%
-You are never given a wish without also being given the
-power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
- -- R. Bach,
- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
-%
-You are not a fool just because you have done
-something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
-%
-You are not dead yet.
-But watch for further reports.
-%
-You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
-forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
-avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
-Please set your clocks back 200 years.
-%
-You are number 6! Who is number one?
-%
-"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
- "All your papers these days look the same;
-Those William's would be better unread --
- Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
-
-"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
- "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
-But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
- Made it pointless to think any more."
-%
-"You are old, father William," the young man said,
- "And your hair has become very white;
-And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
- Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
-
-"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
- "I feared it might injure the brain;
-But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
- Why, I do it again and again."
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
- That your lectures bore people to death.
-Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
- Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
-
-"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
- Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
-Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
- Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
- For anything tougher than suet;
-Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
- Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
-
-"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
- And argued each case with my wife;
-And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
- Has lasted the rest of my life."
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
- And there isn't one language you like;
-Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
- Have you thought about taking a hike?"
-
-"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
- "Every language looks equally bad;
-Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
- And don't realize that they've been had."
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
- And have grown most uncommonly fat;
-Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
- Pray what is the reason of that?"
-
-"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
- "I kept all my limbs very supple
-By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
- Allow me to sell you a couple?"
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
- And make errors few people could bear;
-You complain about everyone's English but yours --
- Do you really think this is quite fair?"
-
-"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
- "But my stature these days is so great
-That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
- And to stop me it's now far too late."
-%
-"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
- That your eye was as steady as ever;
-Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
- What made you so awfully clever?"
-
-"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
- Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
-Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
- Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
-%
-You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
-%
-You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
-Therefore you have few friends.
-%
-You are sick, twisted and perverted.
-I like that in a person.
-%
-You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
-%
-You are standing on my toes.
-%
-You are taking yourself far too seriously.
-%
-You are the only person to ever get this message.
-%
-You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
-points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
-attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
-chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
-gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
-rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
-trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
-vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
-long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
-dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
-head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
-are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
-transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
-to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
-
-You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
-That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
-To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
-%
-You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
-but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
-%
-You ask what a nice girl will do?
-She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
- -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
-%
-You attempt things that you do not even plan
-because of your extreme stupidity.
-%
-You auto buy now.
-%
-You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
-%
-You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
-peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
-municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
-courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
-supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
-reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
-between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
-than a twenty-dollar bill.
- -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
-%
-You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
- -- Tim Leary
-%
-You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
-%
-You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
-incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
-Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
-to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
-nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
-they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
-some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
-
-The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
-pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
-safety glasses.
- -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
-%
-You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
-They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
-%
-You can approach truth, but never capture it.
-Lies can be had 'round the corner.
- -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
-%
-You can be replaced by this computer.
-%
-You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
- -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
-%
-You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
-doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
- -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
-%
-You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
-know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
-they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
-they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
- -- Quentin Genter
-%
-You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- -- Boris Yeltsin
-%
-You can cage a swallow, can't you,
- but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
-Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
- finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
-A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
- -- The Palindromist
-%
-You can create your own opportunities this week.
-Blackmail a senior executive.
-%
-You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
- -- Janis Joplin
-%
-You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
-Why do you find that funny?
- -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
-%
-You can do very well in speculation where
-land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
-%
-You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
-%
-You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
-and the budget is big enough.
- -- Joseph E. Levine
-%
-You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
-of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
-%
-You can fool some of the people all of the time,
-and all of the people some of the time,
-but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
-%
-You can fool some of the people some of the time,
-and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
-%
-You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
-%
-You can get everything in life you want,
-if you will help enough other people get what they want.
-%
-You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
-can with just a kind word.
- -- Bumper Sticker
-%
-You can get much further with a kind word and a
-gun than you can with a kind word alone.
- -- Al Capone
- [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
-%
-You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
-%
-You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
-%
-You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
-You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
-
-(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
- Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
-
-You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
-You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
-(chorus)
-
-You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
-You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
-(chorus)
-%
-You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
-if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
-your dog.
- -- foolin' around
-%
-You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
-Don't ever count on having both at once.
- -- Lazarus Long
-%
-You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
- -- Joe Valachi
-%
-You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
-for instance.
- -- Franklin P. Jones
-%
-You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
-%
-You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
-the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
- -- Alan J. Perlis
-%
-You can move the world with an idea,
-but you have to think of it first.
-%
-You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
-%
-You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
- -- Jeannette Rankin
-%
-You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
- -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
-
-What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
- -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
-
-You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
- -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
-%
-You can now buy more gates with less
-specifications than at any other time in history.
- -- Kenneth Parker
-%
-You can observe a lot just by watching.
- -- Yogi Berra
-%
-You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
-%
-You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
-%
-You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
-decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
-over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
- -- F. Allen
-%
-You can tell how far we have to go,
-when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
- -- Steven Feiner
-%
-You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
- -- Norman Douglas
-%
-You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
-%
-You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
- -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454,
- University of Washington
-%
-You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
-I've got to have thirty minutes!
-%
-You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
-%
-You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
-But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
- -- Nathalia Crane
-%
-You cannot have a science without measurement.
- -- R. W. Hamming
-%
-You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
-%
-You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
-%
-You cannot see the wood for the trees.
- -- John Heywood
-%
-You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
- -- Indira Gandhi
-%
-You cannot use your friends and have them too.
-%
-You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
-%
-You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
-%
-You can't cheat an honest man, never give
-a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
- -- W. C. Fields
-%
-You can't cheat the phone company.
-%
-You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
-%
-You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
- -- Richard M. Nixon (1952)
-%
-You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
- -- Peter Frampton
-%
-You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
- -- H. H. Munro
-%
-"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
-Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
-she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
-children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
- -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
-%
-You can't fall off the floor.
-%
-You can't get there from here.
-%
-You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
-%
-You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
- -- Ayn Rand
-%
-You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
- -- Booker T. Washington
-%
-You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
-%
-You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
-%
-You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
-only sooner than she thought you would.
-%
-You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
-is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
-%
-You can't make a program without broken egos.
-%
-You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
-%
-You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
- -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
-%
-You can't push on a string.
-%
-You can't run away forever,
-But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
- -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
-%
-You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
-new way.
- -- Will Rogers
-%
-You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
-You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
- -- Lauren Bacall
-%
-You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
- -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
- Over and Over"
-%
-You can't take damsel here now.
-%
-You can't take it with you --
-especially when crossing a state line.
-%
-You can't teach people to be lazy --
-either they have it, or they don't.
- -- Dagwood Bumstead
-%
-You climb to reach the summit, but once
-there, discover that all roads lead down.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
-%
-You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
-didn't need the first and last month in advance.
-%
-You could live a better life, if you
-had a better mind and a better body.
-%
-You couldn't even prove the White House
-staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
- -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
-%
-You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
-%
-You dialed 5483.
-%
-You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
-%
-You do not have mail.
-%
-You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
-%
-You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
-if you're not planning on coming back down.
- -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
-%
-You don't have to explain something you never said.
- -- Calvin Coolidge
-%
-You don't have to know how the computer
-works, just how to work the computer.
-%
-You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
- -- J. D. Salinger
-%
-You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
- -- Guindon
-%
-You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
-reason to eat with knitting needles.
- -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
-%
-You enjoy the company of other people.
-%
-You feel a whole lot more like you do
-now than you did when you used to.
-%
-You fill a much-needed gap.
-%
-You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
-The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
-which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
-tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
-names. Here's the complete text:
-
- "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
- "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
- "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
- send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
- THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
- household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
- you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
- NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
-
-The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
-money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
-form.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
-%
-You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
-what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
- -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^\but"
-%
-You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
-%
-You get what you pay for.
- -- Gabriel Biel
-%
-You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
-from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
- -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-%
-You go down to the pickup station,
- craving warmth and beauty;
-You settle for less than fascination --
- a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
-And the closing lights strip off the shadows
- on this strange new flesh you've found --
-Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
- you hurry to the blackness
- and the blankets to lay down an impression
- and your loneliness.
- -- Joni Mitchell
-%
-You got to be very careful if you don't know
-where you're going, because you might not get there.
- -- Yogi Berra
-%
-You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
-And you know it don't come easy ...
-I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
-And you know it don't come easy ...
-%
-You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
-Now it's our turn.
- -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
-%
-You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
-%
-You had mail.
-Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
-%
-You had some happiness once,
-but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
-%
-You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
-%
-You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
-%
-You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
-%
-You have a message from the operator.
-%
-You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
-A pity that it's totally undeserved.
-%
-You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
-%
-You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
-%
-You have a strong desire for a home
-and your family interests come first.
-%
-You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
-%
-You have a truly strong individuality.
-%
-You have a will that can be influenced
-by all with whom you come in contact.
-%
-You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
-
-This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
-
-You are permanently confused.
- -- Dave Decot
-%
-You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
- -- Lois Platford
-%
-You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
-a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
- -- Aristophanes
-%
-You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
-%
-You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
-%
-You have an unusual equipment for success.
-Be sure to use it properly.
-%
-You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
-metal objects which are not fastened down.
-%
-You have an unusual understanding of
-the problems of human relationships.
-%
-You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
- -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
-%
-You have been selected for a secret mission.
-%
-You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
-%
-You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
-%
-You have junk mail.
-%
-You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
-%
-You have mail.
-%
-You have many friends and very few living enemies.
-%
-You have no real enemies.
-%
-You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
- -- John Viscount Morley
-%
-You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
-and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
-%
-You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
-wrinkled.
-%
-You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
-You'll learn a lot today.
-%
-You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
-%
-You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
-If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
- -- Lewis Carroll,
- "Through the Looking-Glass,
- and What Alice Found There" (1871)
-%
-You humans are all alike.
-%
-You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
-at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
-simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
-%
-You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
- -- Dylan Thomas
-%
-You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
- -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
-%
-You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
- -- Superchicken
-%
-You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
-you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
-and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
-%
-You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
- -- Maharbal
-%
-You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
-you people are all going to owe me big.
- -- Bill Paul
-%
-You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
-you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
-%
-You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
-start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
- -- Dean Webber
-%
-You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
- -- Garfield
-%
-You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
-You're not a kid at thirty-three,
-You play around you lose your wife,
-You play too long, you lose your life.
-Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
-Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
-%
-You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
-are now extinct.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham
-%
-You know, the difference between this company and
-the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
-%
-You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
-anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
-you can always change the channel.
- -- Jim Ignatowski
-%
-You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
-on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
- -- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
-and I had my hands about it.
- -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
-%
-You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
-is revenge.
- -- Peter Beard
-%
-You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
-next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
-him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
-meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
- -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
-%
-You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
- -- E. A. Gilliam
-%
-You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
- -- S. Rickly Christian
-%
-You know your apartment is small...
- when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
- you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
- you have to go outside to change your mind.
- you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
-%
-You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
- -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
-%
-You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
-daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
-mother is allowed to take.
-%
-You know you're in a small town when...
- You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
- You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
- merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
- Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
- You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
- You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
- You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
-%
-You know you're in trouble when...
-1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
-2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
-3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
- out of the city.
-4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
-5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
- remember that you don't have a waterbed.
-6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
-%
-You know you're in trouble when...
-1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
- follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
-2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
- and there aren't any.
-3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
-4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
-5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
-6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
-%
-You know you're in trouble when...
-(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
- her own business.
-(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
-(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
-(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
-(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
- flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
-(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
-%
-You know you're in trouble when...
-(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
- skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
-(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
-(3) Your income tax check bounces.
-(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
-(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
-(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
- after you bought a waterbed.
-(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
- clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
- for your spouse.
-%
-You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
-when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
-make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
-chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
-%
-You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
-friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
-%
-You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
-%
-You learn to write as if to someone else
-because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
-%
-You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
-%
-You lived with a man who wore white belts?
-Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
- -- Remington Steele
-%
-You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
-%
-You look tired.
-%
-You love peace.
-%
-You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
-%
-You may already be a loser.
- -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-You may be gone tomorrow, but that
-doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
-%
-You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
-but you're infinitely larger than others.
-%
-You may be recognized soon. Hide.
-%
-You may be right, I may be crazy,
-But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
- -- Billy Joel
-%
-You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
-is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
- -- Sydney Harris
-%
-You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
-That a young man married is a young man marred.
- -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
-%
-You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
-him.
- -- Edgar W. Howe
-%
-You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
-%
-You may have heard that a dean is
-to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
- -- Alfred Kahn
-%
-You may my glories and my state dispose,
-But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
-%
-You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
-you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
-%
-You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
-be sold.
-%
-You mean you didn't *know* she was off
-making lots of little phone companies?
-%
-You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
-success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
-or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
-party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
- -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
-%
-You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
-obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
-an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
- -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
-%
-You might have mail.
-%
-You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
-now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
-exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
- -- Greg Lehey
-%
-You must dine in our cafeteria.
-You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
-%
-You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
-and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
-and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
-bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
-paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
-cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
-gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
-prosecution for perjury and fraud.
- -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
-%
-You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
-to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
-are merely deputies of that one.
- -- Nero Wolfe
-%
-You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
-proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
-%
-You need more time; and you probably always will.
-%
-You need no longer worry about the future.
-This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
-%
-You need not worry about your future.
-%
-You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
-reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
-the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
-independence.
- -- Charles A. Beard
-%
-You never gain something but that you lose something.
- -- Thoreau
-%
-You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
-%
-You never go anywhere without your soul.
-%
-You never have to change anything you
-got up in the middle of the night to write.
- -- Saul Bellow
-%
-You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
-%
-You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
-beach.
-%
-You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
- -- William Blake
-%
-You never learned anything by doing it right.
-%
-You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
-got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
-"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
-with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
-guys were getting stoned!
- -- Johnny Carson
-%
-You now have Asian Flu.
-%
-You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
-you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
-yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
-company.
- -- J. Wellington Wells
-%
-You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
-%
-You plan things that you do not even
-attempt because of your extreme caution.
-%
-You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
-%
-You prefer the company of the opposite
-sex, but are well liked by your own.
-%
-You probably wouldn't worry about what people
-think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
- -- Olin Miller
-%
-You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
-%
-You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
- -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-%
-You say potatoe,
-And I say potato.
-You say tomatoe,
-And I say tomato.
-Potatoe, potato,
-Tomatoe, tomato.
-Let's go be the Vice President...
-%
-You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
-%
-You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
-attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
-takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
-which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
-a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
-Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
-brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
-his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
-order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
-can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
-addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
-the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
-the useful ones.
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-You see things; and you say "Why?"
-But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
- -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
- [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
-%
-You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
-his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
-understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
-signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
-there is no cat.
- -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
-%
-You seek to shield those you love
-and you like the role of the provider.
-%
-You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
-%
-You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
- -- Joseph Conrad
-%
-You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
-%
-You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
-if they are dead.
-%
-You should go home.
-%
-You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
-incest and folk-dancing.
- -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
-%
-You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
-about 10^12 to 1.
- -- Ernest Rutherford
-%
-You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
-because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
- -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
-%
-You should never wear your best trousers
-when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
- -- Henrik Ibsen
-%
-You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
-contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
-houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
-scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
-summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
-you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
-sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
- -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
-%
-You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
-another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
-another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
-such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
-many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
-If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
-should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
-for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
-because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
-chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
-
-In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
-hemorrhoids.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
-plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
- -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
-%
-You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
- -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
-%
-You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
-your feet in it and swish them around a little.
- -- Guindon
-%
-You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
-%
-You teach best what you most need to learn.
-%
-You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
-%
-YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
-
-Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
-a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
-important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
-
-Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
-to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
-make really big Zorkmids."
-
-MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
-you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
-
- SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
-%
-You too can wear a nose mitten.
-%
-You tread upon my patience.
- -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-%
-You two ought to be more careful--
-your love could drag on for years and years.
-%
-You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
-Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
- -- W. G.
-%
-You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
-%
-You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
-%
-You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
-%
-You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
-%
-You will be advanced socially,
-without any special effort on your part.
-%
-You will be aided greatly by a person
-whom you thought to be unimportant.
-%
-You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
-a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
-%
-You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
-%
-You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
-%
-You will be awarded some great honor.
-%
-You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
-%
-You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
-%
-You will be dead within a year.
-%
-You will be divorced within a year.
-%
-You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
-%
-You will be held hostage by a radical group.
-%
-You will be honored for contributing
-your time and skill to a worthy cause.
-%
-You will be imprisoned for contributing
-your time and skill to a bank robbery.
-%
-You will be married within a year.
-%
-You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
-%
-You will be misunderstood by everyone.
-%
-You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
-%
-You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
-%
-You will be run over by a beer truck.
-%
-You will be run over by a bus.
-%
-You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
-%
-You will be successful in love.
-%
-You will be surprised by a loud noise.
-%
-You will be surrounded by luxury.
-%
-You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
-%
-You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
-%
-You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
-%
-You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
-%
-You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
-%
-You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
-%
-You will contract a rare disease.
-%
-You will engage in a profitable business activity.
-%
-You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
-%
-You will feel hungry again in another hour.
-%
-You will find me drinking gin
-In the lowest kind of inn,
-Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
- -- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-You will forget that you ever knew me.
-%
-You will gain money by a fattening action.
-%
-You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
-%
-You will gain money by an illegal action.
-%
-You will gain money by an immoral action.
-%
-You will get what you deserve.
-%
-You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
-%
-You will have a head crash on your private pack.
-%
-You will have a long and boring life.
-%
-You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
-%
-You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
-%
-You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
-%
-You will have long and healthy life.
-%
-You will have many recoverable tape errors.
-%
-You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
-%
-You will inherit millions of dollars.
-%
-You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
-%
-You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
-%
-You will live to see your grandchildren.
-%
-You will lose an important disk file.
-%
-You will lose an important tape file.
-%
-You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
-mayonnaise salesman.
-%
-You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
-%
-You will never amount to much.
- -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
-%
-You will never know hunger.
-%
-You will not be elected to public office this year.
-%
-You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
-%
-You will outgrow your usefulness.
-%
-You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
-%
-You will pass away very quickly.
-%
-You will pay for your sins.
-If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
-%
-You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
-%
-You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
-%
-You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
-%
-You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
-%
-You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
-%
-You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
-was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
-the butter upon a hot day.
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-You will soon forget this.
-%
-You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
-%
-You will step on the night soil of many countries.
-%
-You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
-but only because your brakes are defective.
-%
-You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
-%
-You will triumph over your enemy.
-%
-You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
-%
-You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
-%
-You will wish you hadn't.
-%
-You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
- -- Frank Hubbard
-%
-You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
-%
-You worry too much about your job.
-Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
-%
-"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
-of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
-Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
-Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
-give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
-momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
-yourself in this way."
- -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
-%
-You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
-%
-You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
-be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
- -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
-%
-You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
-taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
-minute and a huff.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
- -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
-%
-You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
-%
-You'll always be,
-What you always were,
-Which has nothing to do with,
-All to do, with her.
- -- Company
-%
-You'll be called to a post requiring
-ability in handling groups of people.
-%
-You'll be sorry...
-%
-You'll feel devilish tonight.
-Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
-%
-You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
-%
-You'll never be the man your mother was!
-%
-You'll never see all the places, or read all the
-books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
-%
-You'll wish that you had done some of the
-hard things when they were easier to do.
-%
-Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
-counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
-experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
-them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
-of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
-have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
-actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
-to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
-principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
-which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
-not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
-nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
-repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
-content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
-compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
-the defects of both.
- -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
-%
-Young men, hear an old man to whom
-old men hearkened when he was young.
- -- Augustus Caesar
-%
-Young men think old men are fools;
-but old men know young men are fools.
- -- George Chapman
-%
-Your aim is high and to the right.
-%
-Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
-%
-Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
-Don't believe a thing he tells you.
-%
-Your best consolation is the hope that the things
-you failed to get weren't really worth having.
-%
-Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
-%
-Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
-%
-Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
-%
-Your business will assume vast proportions.
-%
-Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
-%
-Your code should be more efficient!
-%
-Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
-%
-Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
-%
-Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
-from enjoying it.
-%
-Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
- ...Here's How You Can Tell
-Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
-can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
-listed 10 signs to watch for:
- #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
- earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
- jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
- #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
- fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
- #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
- discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
- #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
- high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
- a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
-The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
-all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
- -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
-
- [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
-%
-Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
-%
-Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
-dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
-attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
-minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
-Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
-medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
-25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
-seconds if we felt like it.
- -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
-%
-Your domestic life may be harmonious.
-%
-Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
-%
-Your fault - core dumped
-%
-Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
-EOF
-%
-Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
- by Miss Fortune
-
-AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
- You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
-type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
-Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
-California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
-
-PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
- Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
-fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
-bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
-other discover your good qualities without your help.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
- by Miss Fortune
-
-ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
- Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
-sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
-and you will live all the days of your life.
-
-TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
- You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
-in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
-brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
-miss two car payments.
-
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
- You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
-common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
-at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
-Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
-you meet in court.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
- by Miss Fortune
-
-CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
- You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
-you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
-in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
-to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
-
-LEO (July 23 - August 22)
- You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
-heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
-in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
-shop.
-
-VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
- Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
-affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
-is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
-career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
-than people who work standing up.
-%
-Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
-meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
- -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
-%
-Your goose is cooked.
-(Your current chick is burned up too!)
-%
-Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
-%
-Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
-%
-Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
-%
-Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
-%
-Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
-%
-Your love life will be... interesting.
-%
-Your lover will never wish to leave you.
-%
-Your lucky color has faded.
-%
-Your lucky number has been disconnected.
-%
-Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
-Watch for it everywhere.
-%
-Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
-original and the part that is original is not good.
- -- Samuel Johnson
-%
-Your mind is the part of you that says,
- "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
-... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
- "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
- -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
-%
-Your mind understands what you have been
-taught; your heart, what is true.
-%
-Your mode of life will be changed for
-the better because of good news soon.
-%
-Your mode of life will be changed for
-the better because of new developments.
-%
-Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
-%
-Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
-%
-Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
-Face like ice, a little bit colder
-She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
-You learned in school"
-But I don't really see
-Why can't we go on as three?
- -- David Crosby, "Triad"
-%
-Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
-may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
-%
-Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
-%
-Your object is to save the world,
-while still leading a pleasant life.
-%
-Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
-true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
-mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
-Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
-are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
-change.
- -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
-%
-Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
-%
-Your password is pitifully obvious.
-%
-Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
-%
-Your present plans will be successful.
-%
-Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
-%
-Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
-%
-Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
-need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
-the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
-success.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
-%
-Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
-%
-Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
-%
-Your step will soil many countries.
-%
-Your supervisor is thinking about you.
-%
-Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
-%
-Your temporary financial embarrassment will
-be relieved in a surprising manner.
-%
-Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
-%
-Your wig steers the gig.
- -- Lord Buckley
-%
-Your wise men don't know how it feels
-To be thick as a brick.
- -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
-%
-Your worship is your furnaces
-which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
-have molten bowels; your vision is
-machines for making more machines.
- -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
-%
-You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
-%
-You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
- -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
-
-Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
- -- Steve Martin to a heckler
-
-When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
- -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
-%
-You're all clear now, kid.
-Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
- -- Han Solo
-%
-You're almost as happy as you think you are.
-%
-You're already carrying the sphere!
-%
-You're always thinking you're gonna be
-the one that makes 'em act different.
- -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
-%
-You're at the end of the road again.
-%
-You're at Witt's End.
-%
-You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
-%
-You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
-%
-You're definitely on their list.
-The question to ask next is what list it is.
-%
-You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
- -- Eldridge Cleaver
-%
-You're growing out of some of your problems,
-but there are others that you're growing into.
-%
-You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
-except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
- -- Swamp Thing
-%
-You're never too old to become younger.
- -- Mae West
-%
-You're not Dave. Who are you?
-%
-You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
- -- Dean Martin
-%
-You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
-%
-You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
-only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
-%
-You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
-%
-You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
-%
-You're working under a slight handicap.
-You happen to be human.
-%
-Yours is not to reason why,
-Just to Sail Away.
-And when you find you have to throw
-Your Legacy away;
-Remember life as was it is,
-And is as it were;
-Chasing sounds across the galaxy
-'Till silence is but a blur.
- -- QYX
-%
-Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
-%
-Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
-courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
- -- Robert F. Kennedy
-%
-Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
-%
-Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
- -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
-%
-Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
- -- Dorothy Fuldheim
-%
-Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Youth is the trustee of posterity.
-%
-Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
-when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
-%
-You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
- -- Eugene Ionesco
-%
-You've been Berkeley'ed!
-%
-You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
-%
-You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
-and now you're telling me just to be myself?
- -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
-%
-You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights.
-Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors
-wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up
-and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth.
-
-You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now
-if only you could get a good picture of it.
-
-Photographing holiday lights is no easy task.
- -- from an email sent by photojojo.com
-%
-You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
- -- Gary Giddens
-%
-You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
-%
-You've got to think about tomorrow!
-
-TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_\by_\be_\bs_\bt_\be_\br_\bd_\ba_\by* yet!
-%
-YO-YO:
- Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
- (see also Computer).
-%
-Zall's Laws:
- 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
- will be wrong.
- 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
- door you're on.
-%
-Zeal, n.:
- Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
-%
-Zero Defects, n.:
- The result of shutting down a production line.
-%
-Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
- -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
-%
-Zeus gave Leda the bird.
-%
-Zisla's Law:
- If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
-%
-Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words
-since I first call'd my brother's father dad.
- -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
-%
-Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
- People are always available for work in the past tense.
-%
+++ /dev/null
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-Centauri
-centerfold
-Cerebron
-Cerebus
-Cerf
-Cestria
-cevalon
-cevalovipus
-CFF
-Chadwick
-chainsaw
-challengehood
-Chameleotoptor
-Chamfort
-Chaney
-Changtse
-Channing
-Chapin
-Chappaquidick
-Chapterhouse
-charbroiled
-CHARDONNAY
-Charnelhouse
-Charnock's
-chastened
-Chateaubriand
-Chatterley's
-Chauncey
-Chavez
-Chaykin
-Chazal
-Cheatham
-CHECK'S
-cheddar
-cheesemakers
-Cheetos
-Cheez
-Cheit's
-Chekov
-Chem
-chemotherapy
-cheque
-Chernenko
-Chesterson
-cheval
-Chevins
-chezlogs
-Chichester
-Chihuahuas
-childproof
-childproofed
-chimeras
-chimp
-chimpanzee's
-Chincholles
-Chinggis
-chirruped
-Chism's
-Chisolm's
-Chivas
-ChiWriter
-Chloroplast's
-Chmod
-chmod'd
-Chok
-CHOMPER
-CHOMPING
-Choo
-chopsticks
-chown
-Christensen
-Christgau
-chromosome
-chronodimensional
-chroots
-Chrysostom
-Chuan
-Chuang
-Chung's
-Church's
-Churchill's
-Churchy
-Chuzzlewit
-CI
-Ciardi
-cinched
-cinema's
-Cinemuck
-Claghorn
-Clair
-Clairol
-Clampett's
-Clapiers
-Clapton
-Clarke's
-Clarkson
-Claudette
-claus
-Clavin
-Clavin's
-CLBR
-CLBRI
-Clemenceau
-Cleyre
-clickity
-Clifton
-Clopton
-clovers
-Clutterbuck
-CMFRM
-cmptr
-Cobalt's
-Cobb
-Cobb's
-Cochran
-cockamamie
-Cocteau
-Cody
-Coevolution
-cogito
-Cohen's
-Cohn's
-Cointment
-Colbert
-Cole's
-Colette
-Collis
-Collymore
-Colson
-Colton
-Colvard's
-Comaneci
-Combermere
-Comebacks
-Commedia
-Commie
-CommUNIXque
-computatis
-Computerdom
-computerites
-Computerspeak
-Computo
-Conan
-congeries
-CONGRAM
-congresspersons
-Coningsby
-Conkling
-conks
-Connell
-Connellan
-Connery
-consoleth
-Constipation
-contendere
-continuums
-CONtractor
-Contrariwise
-conversationalists
-Conway
-Conway's
-Cooley
-COONDOG
-Coonts
-copacetic
-Coppock
-Coppola
-Corbomite
-corkenpoppen
-Corky
-coroner's
-corpuscle
-Corrado
-Corry's
-Cortot
-Corwin
-Cory
-Cosby
-Cosmo
-Cosmotronic
-COUGHBOL
-Coult
-countdown
-coupestibles
-Court's
-CP
-CPPR
-cpu
-CPUs
-crabgrass
-crapshoot
-Cray
-Crayolas
-Creemy
-Crenna's
-cretinisms
-Crichton
-criminology
-Cringely
-Cripps
-Crisco
-CRN
-Croce
-croissants
-Croll
-Croll's
-Cronkite
-Cropp's
-croquet
-crosseth
-crossoffs
-crossword
-crowbar
-Crucifixes
-cruftier
-Cruickshank's
-crunchy
-crustaceans
-Crustimoney
-crusty
-Cruz
-CS
-CSA
-CSH
-cshrc
-CSICOP
-CSSG
-CTA
-Cthulhu
-CTY
-Cuba's
-cuckolds
-CUISINART
-cummings
-Cuomo
-curiae
-CUSPy
-Custer
-custodiet
-cuticle
-CVP
-Cyberiad
-cybernetic
-Cyborg
-cynic's
-d'Albert
-D'Arcy
-D'Azevedo
-D'Hericault
-d'oeuvres
-Dabba
-DAC
-Daft
-Dagobah
-Dagwood
-Daibashiw
-Daley
-Dalglish
-Damian
-DAMMIT
-dancer's
-Dandridge
-dandruff
-Dangerfield
-dans
-darkish
-darkroom
-Darrow
-Darryl
-Darth
-Darwin's
-Darwinians
-das
-Dass
-Datamation
-datasheets
-dataspec
-DAV
-Davey
-Davis's
-Davisson
-Dawkins
-dawn's
-DC
-DCL
-DCS
-dduupplleexx
-deadest
-Deadnet
-DEALISM
-DEC's
-Decapitating
-decipi
-decipiatur
-deconstructionists
-Decot
-DECtapes
-DECWARS
-DECWORLD
-DECzilla
-DEF
-Defactualization
-defamed
-Deford
-DEFUN
-defuse
-DeGaulle
-DeGourmont
-DeLescure
-delivermail
-DeLorean
-Delores
-Deloria
-demagogism
-demigodic
-demo
-Democritus
-Demosthenes
-Denham
-Dennett
-Denning
-Denniston
-Depew
-deppart
-deregulated
-dermis
-DeSalvo
-Desiree
-deStalinization
-destitution
-destructure
-Deteriorata
-determinists
-Detroit
-Devine
-Devo
-DeVries
-Dexter's
-dextrose
-DFA
-Diamondback
-Dibble's
-Dickery
-diddie
-Diddley
-Diddly
-Didion
-Didja
-dieeeeee
-Diefenbaker
-DIETER'S
-Dieu
-Dijkstra
-Dilbert
-Diller
-Diller's
-Dills
-DiMarco
-dimwit
-dinette
-Dingell
-Dino
-Diran
-Dirbanu
-Dirisha
-Dirksen
-Dirksen's
-disarrayed
-disco
-discotheques
-disenchanted
-dishes
-dishonourable
-dishrags
-dishwashing
-disjoins
-diskdrives
-dismembering
-Disraeli
-Divina
-DIX
-dixerunt
-Diyathinkhesaurus
-DJ
-DMPK
-Dobb's
-Dobbs
-Dobie
-Doc
-Docquier
-doderez
-doggerel
-doggy
-dogmatized
-DOGO
-Dogtender
-Doheny's
-Dolby
-doloop
-Dolotta
-Dolph
-Donatus
-Donleavy
-Donnell
-Donner
-Doo
-DOODAH
-Dooley's
-Doonesbury
-doorstops
-Doppelgutt
-Doren
-dorky
-dost
-doth
-dotty
-Doublespeak
-Dow's
-downslide
-DP
-Drabek
-Dracula
-Drake's
-Drakenberg's
-draweth
-Drescher
-Dreshfield
-Drew's
-drivel
-drop't
-Dropt
-Droz
-Drucker
-Druids
-druther
-druthers
-DSK
-Ducharme's
-Duckie
-Duckies
-Ducky
-dudes
-dUdX
-duenkt
-Duggan
-Dukakis
-Dum
-dumbass
-Dumbfounding
-dummkopfen
-dumpster
-Dunaway
-Dunne
-dunno
-Durance
-Durant
-Durante
-Durocher
-Dutsky
-dwelleth
-Dyer's
-Dykes
-dyslexic
-Dyson
-Eagleson
-Eagleson's
-earflaps
-EAROM
-Earthlings
-Eater's
-EBCDIC
-Ebenezum
-Ebert
-Ebner
-ecamier
-Eckstein
-ECL
-Ecoles
-ecosphere
-Edina
-Edison's
-Edman
-Edmonson's
-Edna's
-Edpress
-EDSAC
-Edsel
-EDT
-educationists
-EE
-EECS
-eeee
-eeeee
-eeeeee
-Eeny
-Eeyore
-egg's
-Eggheads
-eggnog
-egoless
-Egomaniac's
-egrep
-Ehrenfest
-Ehrman's
-Eichmann's
-Eiffelberg
-Einhorn
-EINS
-Einstein's
-Eisley
-Elbert
-Eldridge
-electrocommunications
-Electrocution
-electrofreak
-electromicrograph
-Electroworld
-eliras
-elitist
-Ellery
-Elliot
-Elmo
-ELO
-Elroy
-Elton
-Elven
-Elvis
-Elvish
-embalmer's
-Emersons
-Emile
-Emmons
-Emo
-empathetical
-EMPC
-Emu
-Encyclopaedia
-endian
-Enesco
-Enfolding
-England's
-Englishman's
-ENIACs
-enkindles
-Enm
-Ennius
-Ennui
-ENOTADUCK
-Epcot
-Ephron
-EPI
-Epictetus
-Epitres
-Epperson's
-Erdman's
-ergo
-ergonomically
-Erhard
-Erlenmeyer
-Erlich
-Erling
-Erogenous
-erogeny
-Ertz
-Esalen
-Esar
-escalators
-Eschenbach
-Escher
-esperantisto
-Esplandian
-est
-estas
-Estes
-Estienne
-ethernet
-Etienne
-Etudes
-etus
-Euch
-Euell
-Euler's
-eurocentric
-Eustace
-ev'ry
-EVAL
-Eve's
-Evelyn's
-Everclear
-Evinrude
-EWD
-EXCE
-excitements
-exCUUUUUSE
-executioners
-exhalation
-exhibitionists
-EXP
-expatriated
-extracurricular
-Exupery
-Exxon's
-eyestalks
-Eyquem
-Ezrin
-FAA
-Factorials
-Fadiman
-Fafhrd
-Fagan
-Fagon
-fainali
-fairings
-fairminded
-Faisse
-Fakir
-Falkland
-fallaron
-Fallian
-familiares
-Fandal
-fandangos
-FARECARD
-Farnum
-Farrah
-Farrow
-fatback
-Fatherland
-faudrait
-faut
-Fawcett
-FC
-FCN
-feeder's
-Feghoot
-Feibleman
-Feiffer
-Feiner
-Feirstein
-fella
-Fellgett's
-Felton
-feminism's
-Femme
-Fenelon
-Fenster
-Ferber
-Ferengi
-Ferentz
-Ferguson's
-Ferm
-Fermat's
-Ferrari
-FERSURE
-fertsneet
-Festa
-fetishists
-Feynman
-FF
-FFT
-FHA
-FICA
-Fidel
-Fiebig
-Fiedler
-figgy
-fighting's
-Figliuolo
-fikcio
-fiks
-filees
-filename
-filigrees
-Filkharmonics
-Fillmore
-filors
-Finagle
-Finagle's
-Finagling
-findeth
-Fine's
-Finke
-Finklestein
-finks
-Finley
-FINO
-Finster's
-firehose
-Firesign
-Firth
-Fishhawk
-fix'd
-fixin's
-Flaccus
-Flagg
-Flakey
-flamewars
-Flandry
-Flannagan's
-Flannery
-Flappity
-flatfoot
-flatteries
-Flaubert
-Fleischman's
-Flintstone
-flippered
-Flon's
-floppity
-Florio
-floss
-Flugg's
-Flummery
-flutterby
-flyswatter
-Fogerty
-Foghorn
-foghorns
-folkloric
-Follen
-fool's
-Forbiddie
-Forcade
-forelegs
-foreplay
-fornia
-forsooth
-Forssman
-fortiter
-Fortue
-Fosdick
-fountainheads
-Fowler's
-fractal
-Frampton
-Fran
-Francois
-Frankau
-Frankenstein's
-Franklin's
-FRAS
-Fratianno
-Frayn
-freaking
-FreeBSD
-FreeBSDcon
-freelancer
-Freeman's
-freezin
-Freitzke's
-Frenchman's
-Fresco's
-Freudians
-fridge
-Fried's
-Friedenberg
-Friedrich
-Friendman
-frillant
-Frisbee
-Frisbees
-Frisbeetarianism
-Frito
-Fritzkee's
-Fritzlar
-frob
-frob'nitsm
-Frobazz
-frobbing
-FROBBOTZIM
-FROBBOZ
-Frobenius
-Frobnicate
-Frobnitz
-Frobnitzem
-FROBNODULE
-FROBNULE
-FrobTech
-FROBULE
-frolicked
-Froot
-Frostee
-FROTZ
-FRS
-fruitcake
-fruitcakes
-frumious
-Frumkes
-fseek
-FTC
-FTL
-FTSD
-Fuch's
-Fudd
-Fudd's
-fuddyduddy
-Fuldheim
-Fulghum
-Fulke
-fumblefingers
-functionaries
-funhouse
-Fuoss
-Furbling
-Furst
-FWWAAAAAAPPPP
-Fylstra
-Fyodor
-Gabe's
-Gabor
-Gadsbys
-Gaius
-Galactica
-Galbraith
-Galbraith's
-Galilei
-Galileo
-Galileo's
-Gallagher
-Galliano
-Gallienne
-Gallois
-galore
-Galsworthy
-Galton
-Galvani
-Galvani's
-gambler's
-gamekeeper
-Gamekeeping
-Gandalf
-Gandhi
-ganz
-Garagiola
-Garbers
-Gardner's
-garnishment
-Garp
-Gatling
-Gaulle
-Gauls
-Gaultier
-Gauvreay
-Gaveau
-GC
-GCC
-GCing
-GCs
-Gdansk
-gefingerpoken
-Geis
-Gelbart
-Gellett
-Geminis
-Genderplex
-Genesereth
-Genghis
-genocide
-Genter
-Geritol
-Germaine
-Gerould
-Gerrold's
-Gesserit
-gesteckt
-getchar
-Getraenke
-Gettys
-gewerken
-gharsley
-Ghostbusters
-Giancana
-Gibaud
-Gibran
-Gibrovacco
-Giddens
-Giesing
-giftlist
-Gigo
-Gilbert's
-Gilchrist
-Gilda
-Gilliam
-Gilmore
-Gilpkerio
-gimble
-Gimlet
-Gimme
-gimmick
-gimmie
-Gingell
-gingivectomist
-Ginsberg
-Ginsberg's
-Ginsburg's
-Ginzburg
-Giraudoux
-Giraudy
-girlfriend
-Giuggiolo
-Giuseppe
-Glanvill
-Glaser
-gleekzorp
-Glegg
-gleknow
-Glib's
-Glimco
-globby
-Gloffing
-Glogg
-glowworm
-Glymour
-glyphs
-GMT
-Gnagloot
-gobbets
-Gobel
-GOBLIN
-Goda's
-Godard
-Godard's
-Goddard's
-Godel's
-Godot
-Godzilla
-Goebbels
-goest
-Goestheveezl
-goeth
-Gold's
-Golda
-Goldengrove
-Goldenstern
-Goldenstern's
-Goldfinger
-Goldfoot
-Goldwater's
-Goldwyn
-Goleta
-Gomme's
-Gondoliers
-gonna
-Gonnet
-goodbye
-GoodGulf
-Goodgulf
-Goodstein
-Gopete
-Gorbachev
-Gorden
-Gordon's
-Gorey
-Gorin
-Gossling
-Gotlieb
-goto
-goto's
-Gotos
-GOTOs
-gotta
-Gotti
-Goudsmit
-gougebosquex
-Gould
-Goulden
-GOUTS
-Goy's
-goyim
-goyish
-goyisha
-GPU
-Grabel's
-Graf
-Graffiti
-graffitiest
-graffito
-Grainger
-Grainger's
-Gramm
-grammarian's
-GRAMmer
-Grandad
-grandsires
-Granholm
-Grantland
-Graper
-GRASSHOPPOTAMUS
-grave's
-gravitons
-Gravity's
-Gray's
-Greaser's
-Green's
-Greener's
-Greenfatigues
-Greenleaf
-Greensleeves
-Greenspun's
-Greenstein
-Greenstreet
-Greer
-Gregorian
-Gregory's
-Greider
-Grelb's
-grep
-Gretzky
-Greville
-Gries
-Griffin's
-Grinnell's
-Gripton
-Grishman
-Grizzard
-grizzlies
-GRODY
-Groening
-Grogan
-grok
-grommets
-Groucho
-grouse
-Gruber
-gry
-Guadalajara
-Guardsman
-Guaspari
-guave
-Guerre
-Guerrero
-GUGUs
-guideth
-Guildenstern
-Guindon
-Guinness
-Gulag
-Gulbenkian
-gumball
-gumballs
-Gumbinowitz
-GUMM
-GUMMed
-Gumperson's
-Gumps
-gunships
-Gunter's
-guppies
-Gurmlish
-Gusenberg
-Gustav
-Gustave
-guttersnipe
-Gutzwiller
-Guzik
-Guzman
-Gween
-Gyles
-gyre
-gyrent
-haben
-Hackensack
-Hacking's
-Hadamard
-Hadamard's
-Hadassah
-hadda
-Haeckel
-hag's
-Hagar's
-Hahahahahahahahaha
-Haig
-hairstyles
-Hakuin
-Halas
-Haldeman
-Haley
-halfbreed
-halfwits
-Halley's
-Hallifax
-Halliwell
-Hallock
-hallucinogens
-Halpern
-HALs
-Halsey
-Halstead
-Hammarskjold
-Hammerstein
-handcraftsmanship
-Handel's
-Handey
-handsprings
-handwaving
-hanky
-Hanlon's
-Hanson's
-Hanukka
-Harary
-Harbride
-hardbound
-hardcore
-Hardluckland
-Hargrave
-Harlan
-Harlequin
-Harley
-Harlow
-Harpo
-Harpoon
-Harriet's
-Harris's
-Harrisberger's
-Harrison's
-Harrold
-Harter
-Hartke
-Hartley's
-Harvard's
-hast
-Hathrume
-Hausdorff
-Havabanana
-Havelock
-HavenTree
-Hawes
-Hawkeye
-Hawkeye's
-Hawkwind
-Hayakawa
-Hayden
-Haynie
-Hazlitt
-HBD
-HCF
-headgear
-Heartwarming
-heatwave
-Hebb
-hectare
-HED
-Hedy
-HEE
-Hegel
-heifer's
-Heimel
-Heine
-Heineken
-Heinlein
-heinous
-Helen's
-Helens
-Helga
-Heller's
-Helliconia
-Helllloooooo
-Hellman
-Hellman's
-HELMS
-hematophagous
-Hemiel
-Henningsen
-Henny
-Henri
-Henrik
-Henson
-Hepler
-her's
-Herbert's
-Herford
-hermit
-hernias
-Herrgott
-Hershey's
-Herth's
-Herzog
-hev
-Hewett's
-Hewitt
-hexagram
-Hexahex
-Hickery
-Hickson
-Higgeldy
-Higgins
-highbrow
-Hightower
-Hilaire
-Hildago
-Hildebrandt
-Hildebrant's
-Hillary's
-Hillbillies
-Hinckley
-Hinckley's
-Hindenburg
-Hipcrime
-Hippensteel
-Hippocrates
-hippogriff
-hippopotamuses
-Hirschfield
-Hitchcock's
-Hitchhiker's
-Hiya
-hjioasdvbnuio
-Hlade's
-Hmm
-Hmmm
-Hmmmm
-Hoaars
-Hoare
-Hoare's
-Hoarsepower
-HOAX
-HOB'LIN
-Hoban
-Hobbits
-Hochstetter
-Hoest
-Hoffa
-Hoffenstein
-Hoffer
-Hoffer's
-Hofstadter
-Hofstadter's
-Hogan's
-Hogarth
-Hogben
-Holton
-homeowner's
-Homespun
-Honesty's
-Honeymoon's
-Honig
-honorific
-honour
-hoofprints
-HOOTCH
-hootchy
-hooved
-Hoppe
-Horace's
-horgrave
-hormonal
-Horne
-Horner's
-Horngren's
-hors
-Horstmann
-Horta
-hound's
-houseplant
-houseplants
-HOUSERED
-housewares
-Housman
-How'd
-Howdershelt
-Howe's
-Hoyt
-HR
-Hubbard
-Hubbard's
-Huffman
-hullabaloo
-human's
-humour
-Humperdinck
-Humpf
-Humpfed
-Humphrey's
-hunchbacks
-Huneker
-Huntingdon
-Hurewitz's
-Hussein
-Husserl's
-Huxtable
-Hyatt
-Hyde
-hyper
-hyperdrive
-Hyperion
-Hypermint
-hyperplanes
-IA
-Iacocca
-Ian
-ibi
-IBMer
-IBMese
-IBP
-IC
-ICBM
-icepacks
-ICs
-ID's
-ideogram
-ideograms
-Idi
-iear
-Iears
-IEC
-IEH
-iers
-if's
-ifthen
-Igmmlptk
-Ignatowski
-ihuxw
-IIc
-III's
-Il
-Iles
-Iles's
-illiterate's
-Illiterati
-Imamu
-imbeciles
-Imbesi's
-IMMANUEL's
-imperiling
-impersonators
-impo
-Inamorati
-Inanities
-inattentions
-incivility
-incorrige
-incrustations
-incurreth
-infiniteloop
-InfoWorld
-ingenium
-Ingliy
-Ingmar
-Ingrid
-inhalations
-init
-inkahol
-inkwells
-Inlaws
-innumerate
-inprectoo
-inputdir
-inquit
-inrushing
-insa
-Insider's
-INSQSW
-interdicted
-interferon
-interpreter's
-interunderstanding
-Ionesco
-IOS
-IOT
-Iowans
-Iphicrates
-ipsos
-IQ
-IQs
-Irishman's
-ironmongery
-irrelephant
-IRS
-Irulan
-Isaak
-Iso
-Issawi
-Issawi's
-Ist
-Italo
-itn
-Itty
-Ium
-ius
-Ivanovo
-Iverson
-IXDRTYju
-Jabberstock
-Jabberstocky
-Jacek
-Jackals
-Jackasses
-jackrabbit
-jackrabbits
-Jacquard
-Jacquin's
-Jael
-Jaglan
-Jahnke
-Jahoda
-Jaka
-Janelle
-Janx
-jarheads
-Jarry
-Jaspar
-jast
-Jawaharlal
-Jayne
-JCL
-Jed's
-Jedi
-jeered
-Jeffersons
-Jehan
-Jekyll
-Jell
-Jeltz
-Jenerally
-Jenkinson's
-Jenks
-Jenning's
-Jerrold
-jeunesse
-JFK
-JFK's
-Jillette
-Jimbo
-Jimi
-jklsR
-jkzxdjkl
-JMP
-Jodie
-joggers
-Jogging
-Johnson's
-Johnston
-Jone's
-Jones's
-Jonesboro
-Joost
-Jordache
-Josh
-joules
-jour
-Jourdain
-Jove's
-Joyce's
-Juall's
-judex
-jukebox
-Julia's
-Juliana
-jumpsuit
-Jun
-Jung
-junkmobiles
-Juris
-Justin
-Juvenalis
-Kabaidze
-Kabotschniks
-Kafka's
-Kahlil
-Kahn
-Kairos
-Kamerman
-Kaminer
-Kaminsky
-Kan
-Kandel
-Kant's
-Kaplan
-Karabakh
-Karamazov
-Karamazovs
-karat
-Kari
-Karloff
-Karlovich
-Karlson's
-Karlstrom
-karma
-Karpis
-Karyl
-Kasi
-Kasner
-Kasspe
-katydids
-Katz
-Kauffmann
-Kaufman
-Kaufman's
-Kaul
-KCB
-Keate
-Keeler's
-keepen
-Kehlog
-Keillor
-Keir
-Kellen
-Kempis
-Kempson
-Kennedy's
-Kennedys
-Kennicott
-Kenny's
-Kenobi
-Kent's
-Kercheval
-kerning
-Kerouac
-Kerr's
-Kerwin
-Kesey
-Kessler
-Kettering's
-Keyser
-Kezar
-KFOG
-Khayyam
-Khruschev
-Kidner
-Kierkegaard
-Kiernan
-Kilgore
-Killfest
-Killibrew
-Kime's
-kinda
-Kiner
-kinfolk
-Kingsmen's
-Kingsmill
-Kington's
-Kinkler's
-Kinks
-Kinnan
-Kion
-Kiplings
-Kirrman
-Kissinger
-Kistomerces
-Kitman
-kitsch
-Kitzenger
-KKK
-KL
-Klapka
-Kleppner
-Kleptomaniac
-Kliban
-Kliban's
-Klingon
-Klingons
-Klink
-Klipstein
-Klone
-klows
-kludge
-kludgy
-klutz
-kmxsij
-Knapp
-Knebel
-Knebel's
-Knicks
-Knivlen
-knock'd
-knoooooowww
-knowest
-knownness
-Knucklehead
-Knuth
-Ko
-koan
-Koblas
-KOBOLDS
-kohirnt
-Kolenhow
-Koln
-komputilisto
-konsonant
-konsonants
-kontinue
-Kool
-kootchy
-Kopp
-Korda
-Kovacs
-KPH
-Kr
-Krabill
-Krainian
-Kramer's
-Krasnoyarsk
-Kraus
-Kreitzer
-Kringle
-Krispies
-Kristofferson
-Kristol
-krizzle
-Kroc
-Krogt
-Kronecker
-kroo
-Krylenko
-KRYPTONITE
-KSFO
-Kt
-Kubla
-Kubrick
-kudn't
-Kulawiec
-kulero
-Kwaheri
-KYA
-Kyogen
-l'amour
-l'Amour
-l'esprit
-l'Informatique
-l'inventer
-l'oeil
-Labour's
-lacessit
-Lackland's
-LACS
-Lactomangulation
-lad's
-ladybug
-Laetrile
-Lafferty
-LAFITE
-LaGrange
-LAIDBACK
-Lamarr
-lambchops
-Lamont
-lampshades
-Lampson
-Lancelot
-Landburgher
-Landor
-Langan
-Langsam's
-Langston
-Lanier
-lank
-Lankhamar's
-Lankhmar
-LAPD
-Lapham
-Lapsley
-Lapwarmer
-Lardner
-Larkin
-Larkinson's
-Lascl
-laserbeam
-Lasorda
-Lasorda's
-Lassie
-Late'll
-Lauer
-Laukikanyay
-laundromat
-lavishes
-Lavoris
-lawnmower
-Lawrenson
-Lazenby
-Lazlo's
-LBJ
-leadeth
-leafmeal
-Leahy
-Lean's
-Leautaud
-Lebarge
-LeBlanc
-LeBoutillier
-Lebowitz
-LeCarre
-LeDoux
-Leedom
-legas
-legendarily
-Lego
-LeGuin
-Lehenbauer
-Lehey
-Lehman
-Lehrer
-Leia
-Leibe
-Leiber
-Leibniz
-Leibowitz's
-Leith
-Lem
-Lenin's
-Lenore
-Lensmen
-LeoGrande
-Lerner
-lerts
-les
-LeSage
-letez
-Lettvin
-Levant
-Levenson
-Leverett
-Leveut
-Levinson
-Lewin
-Lewis's
-Lewyt
-lexicographer
-Leyna
-li'l
-Libbers
-libdialog
-Libra
-libricilleux
-LiBrizzi
-Lichtenberg
-Lichty
-Liddy
-Liddy's
-Lieberman's
-Liebling
-Liebowitz
-liegt
-Liepmann
-lightbulb
-lightbulbs
-Lightfoot
-LII
-Lileks
-Lilla
-Lillian
-Lillis
-limerick
-Lincoln's
-Lindbergh
-linguini
-Linimon's
-Linkletter
-Lippmann
-Lipson
-Lir
-Lisle's
-LITHP
-lithtth
-liveware
-Livius
-Livy
-Liza
-LLD
-lobbed
-lobbest
-lobotomy
-LOCF
-Lockard
-locksmiths
-Lockwood's
-locutions
-Loeb
-Logg's
-loggerheads
-Logicians
-logick
-logout
-logy
-logzerneg
-lojikl
-Lombardi
-Londoners
-Longworth
-lookest
-lookie
-Lookit
-loons
-Loos
-Lorax
-Lord'll
-Los
-Lothair
-lotsa
-loudmouth
-Lourdes
-Loverboyd
-Lovin
-Lowells
-Lowery's
-Lowes
-LP
-LPA
-LSD
-LSD's
-Lt
-Ltd
-Lubarsky's
-Lubitsch
-Lucasian
-Lucci
-Luce
-Luciano
-Ludcke
-Luddites
-Luigi
-Lumsden
-Lundstrom
-lurketh
-LUSER
-Lustbader
-Luten
-LVME
-Lyman
-lynching
-Lyndon
-Lyndon's
-lysdexia
-Lysistrata
-Lytton
-m'I
-ma'am
-Ma's
-Mabbitt
-Mabley
-Macaroons
-Maccius
-MacDowell
-MacDuff
-Machturtle
-Macinelli
-MacKay
-MacLaine
-MacNelley
-MacNiece
-MacWhirter
-Macy's
-Madariaga
-Madelyn
-MADMAN'S
-MADRAK'S
-Madre
-MAFIA
-Magary's
-Magee
-magnifique
-Magnocartic
-magtape
-Mahabharata
-Mahasamatman
-Mahatma
-Maher
-Mai
-maidservants
-Maier
-Maier's
-Maimie
-Main's
-maindz
-mainframe
-mais
-Maistre
-Maj
-maketh
-mal
-Malek's
-Mallomars
-Malraux
-maltreated
-Mamet
-Mammel
-mammon's
-Mancha
-Mandrell
-Manhandling
-manifestos
-Mankiewicz
-mankind's
-Manly's
-Manson
-mantas
-mantises
-MAPCAR
-Mapplethorpe's
-Marceau
-Marcuse
-margarita
-Margaronis
-Margolies
-Markham
-Markoff
-Markowsky
-Marley
-Marlo
-Marlon
-Marshalltown
-MARTA
-Maryann's
-Maryel
-Mascheroni
-Maslow
-Maslow's
-masochist
-Masterson
-Masterson's
-masticating
-Mathis
-Mattel
-Matz's
-Maud
-Maud'Dib
-Maugham
-Maupin
-Maureens
-Maurois
-mausers
-Maxey
-Maxson
-May's
-Mayorga
-MBAs
-MBH
-MC
-McAfee
-McCartney
-McCartney's
-McClanahan
-McCloctnik
-McCorkle
-McDunn
-McElroy
-McEvoy
-McEwan's
-McGowan's
-McGrew
-McGroarty
-McGuane
-McIntire
-McKuen
-McKusick
-McLeavy
-McLuhan
-McManus
-McNally
-McNeill
-McNulty
-McQueen
-McQuillin
-McShane
-MDL
-Meade's
-Meader's
-meatballs
-Meck
-Mecum
-Medawar
-Meeny
-Meese
-megacycles
-Megatrends
-megs
-meik
-Meir
-Melancholia's
-Melott
-meltdown
-Melugin
-Mem'ry
-MEMBAD
-Menander
-Mencken
-Mencken's
-Mendelson
-mendicants
-Mengot
-Menninger
-Menschen
-Meow
-meowing
-MERCUTIO
-merinos
-Merrick
-Meskimen's
-Messiah's
-meta
-Metamagical
-Metasexuals
-Metermaids
-methionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine
-Metkovich
-Metz
-Mewling
-Meyrowitz
-MG
-MGA
-MGM
-MHz
-Mia
-Michener
-Mickos
-microchips
-Microcomputing
-micrometric
-Microsystems
-MicroVAXes
-midgets
-Midler
-midterm
-midtown
-Mieux
-Miffin
-Mikado
-Miksch's
-milk's
-Milkbone
-Millay
-Milligan
-Millikan
-Millikan's
-millions
-Millipicture
-Milliway's
-Millman
-Milpitas
-mimsy
-Minas
-mindedly
-minimalization
-miniraft
-miniskirts
-minix
-Minneapple
-Minnelli
-Minnesotans
-Minow
-Minsky
-minx
-MIPS
-MIRVed
-misapportionment
-misdates
-Misner
-misquotations
-misspent
-mistresses
-Mitford
-Mitgong
-mittengrabben
-mitts
-MITZIE
-Mix's
-Miyamoto
-mizk
-Mizner
-mkdir
-MMMMMM
-MN
-mobocracy
-Moby
-Modelski
-modifaiing
-Modula
-Moebius
-Mohandas
-mohmen
-Moishe
-Molander
-moldy
-molehills
-Mollison's
-Mom
-mome
-Momma's
-mon
-Mondale
-monde
-Mongo
-monkey's
-Monopurpose
-Montagu
-Montalvo
-Montand
-Montesquieu
-Moolah
-moonshiner's
-Moore's
-mopeds
-Moping
-moralists
-Mordecai
-Mordor
-Morley
-morons
-Morrisey
-mortician's
-MOS
-Mosher's
-Mostel
-motd
-mounteth
-mousetraps
-mousies
-mouthwashes
-moveth
-Moyers
-Moynihan
-MOZ
-mrbill
-MSCP
-MSDOS
-MSU
-Mt
-MTA
-Muad'dib
-muckest
-Mudgeeraba
-Mudhead
-mudslide
-mugged
-Muggeridge
-Muhammad
-Mulcahey
-Mulcahey's
-multe
-multidextrous
-multiline
-Mum's
-munchies
-Munchkin
-Mundis
-Mundus
-Munro
-Muppet
-Muppets
-Murdoch
-Murphy's
-Murray's
-Musashi
-musculus
-Mushies
-Mustgo
-MVS
-MW
-MX
-Myles
-MySQL
-Myung
-myxbl
-n'ecoute
-n'est
-n'existait
-n'oeuvres
-Naah
-Nabokov
-naches
-Nachman
-Nachman's
-Nader
-Nadia
-Naggum
-Nagorno
-Naiman
-Naisbitt
-Namath
-NAND
-nanocentury
-nanohenry
-nanometers
-Nansen
-Napoleon's
-Narnia
-Nasium's
-Naso
-Nasrudin
-Nasrudin's
-Natasha
-Nate
-Nathalia
-Nather
-naturalists
-naugahyde
-Naughton
-Navasky
-Nazgul
-NCONS
-NCTE
-Neantical
-Nebuchadnezzar
-Nebuchadnezzar's
-necesas
-NecroSoft
-Nehru
-Neil's
-Neizant
-nell
-Nemo
-nennen
-Neophyte's
-nerd
-Nerd's
-Neronic
-Nesbit
-Nesbitt
-NetBSD
-NetHack
-Netiquette
-netnews
-neuroscience
-neuroscientists
-neurotics
-Nevil
-Newell's
-Newkirk
-Newlan's
-Newman's
-NEWSFLASH
-NF
-NFL
-Ngdanga
-Niagra
-Nicklaus
-Nicol
-Nicolaides
-Niels
-Niemoller
-Nietzsche's
-Nikita
-Niklaus
-Nikon
-Nillity
-Nimitz
-Ningauble
-Nintendo
-Nisker
-Nissan
-Nissan's
-nitpicking
-Niven
-Nixon's
-Noah's
-noalias
-Noelie
-nog
-nogiftlist
-nohow
-Nolan
-Nome
-nonproblems
-nonrefusable
-nonsolutions
-nontangible
-nooooothing
-NOP
-Nora's
-Norman's
-Normanorum
-Normie
-Northcote
-Norwood
-nostra
-Notetaking
-nothing's
-Nov
-Novato
-Novell
-Novinson's
-Novocain
-Novocaine
-Now's
-Nowlan's
-Noxzema
-NP
-NSV
-NSW
-NT
-nth
-Nubar
-nucleophile
-NULLs
-Nullum
-nunnery
-Nuremberg
-Nusbaum's
-Nutley
-NY
-NYT
-O'Brian's
-O'Casey
-O'Hara
-O'Henry
-O'Longhlin
-O'Malley
-O'Neil
-O'Neill
-O'Nolan
-O'Reilly's
-O'Rourke
-O'Toole's
-Oahu
-Obi
-obits
-obius
-obscurantist
-obsoletum
-Ochs
-OCP
-Oct
-octalthorpe
-Octopussy
-Oech
-Oedipa
-Ogborn
-Ogden's
-Ogdin
-Oglethorp
-OHHHHHH
-Ohm's
-ohnegleich
-okay
-OKOKOKOK
-Olin
-Olinthus
-Olivier
-Olivier's
-Olsen's
-Omar
-omelette
-omerade
-OMERTA
-omnibiblious
-omnivorous
-ompzidaize
-Onan
-Onasander
-Onassis
-Oncler
-Ontopsychological
-Ontopsychology
-oodsou
-ooh
-Oooh
-ooohed
-Ooohh
-Oooo
-OOOOT
-Ope
-Ophelia
-Oppernockity
-Oprah
-OR'd
-Orac
-Orben
-orbs
-Orbury
-Orcs
-Oreo
-Organa
-Orkney
-Oroville
-orphan's
-Orrin
-Orson
-Orton
-orxogrefkl
-OS
-Osborn's
-OSI
-OTOPHOBIA
-oughta
-our's
-Ouspensky
-OUTCONERR
-outcumbents
-outdone
-outfitting
-outgrabe
-outgunned
-outstubborn
-outta
-outweird
-overesteem
-overserved
-overstayed
-overstuffed
-overtruncated
-oves
-Ovidius
-Owen's
-Owsley
-Ozman's
-Paar
-pacifists
-padanga
-Padlipsky
-Paeps
-Paglia
-Paglia's
-Pagnol
-paisley
-Paley
-pallbearer
-Palo
-pamphleteers
-Pandanga
-Pandora's
-Panjandrum's
-panky
-pantaloons
-Pante
-pantyhose
-Panza
-paperboy
-Papert
-paraboloids
-paramedic
-Paramount's
-Paranoids
-paraquat
-Pardo's
-parDOOOOOnu
-Parker's
-Parkinson's
-parkways
-Parnas
-Parnell
-paroxysmally
-Parrafin
-Parthenon
-passwd
-pastureland
-Patageometry
-Pathmark
-patrino
-Paxton
-PBC
-PCC
-PDGERS
-PDP
-PDQ
-PDSK
-Pearsall
-PECCATOPHOBIA
-Pecor's
-Pedaeration
-Peers's
-Pegler
-pelted
-Pembrokeshire
-PENGUINICITY
-penis
-Penn's
-Penrose
-Pensacoola
-pense
-Pensees
-Penzance
-percussionists
-Pereant
-perfum'd
-Perignon
-Perigord
-Perl
-Perlis
-Perlstein
-Perot
-Perriwinkle
-Personifiers
-Petaluma
-Petersons
-Petr
-Petronius
-Pfeiffer
-Pfffttt
-Phaedrus
-Pharoah's
-Phathotep
-Philbin
-Philips
-philogyny
-phoney
-Phooey
-Picadilly
-Pickard
-Pickle's
-Picninnies
-piercings
-pietists
-pietzsche
-Piggeldy
-Pilgermann
-Pindar
-Pinero
-Pintauro
-Pioneer's
-piranhas
-Pirsig
-Pithiests
-pkasdjbasdfbuil
-PL
-Plaese
-planaria
-plasmoids
-Platford
-Plato's
-platypus
-Plauger
-pleasantest
-pleasurific
-pleH
-Plimpton
-Plinius
-Plotinus
-Plotkin
-PLUGBOARDS
-Plumber's
-plunked
-Pluribus
-Plyter
-Pocataligo
-Pocatello
-Podunk
-Pohl's
-Poincare's
-pointy
-Polanski
-Pollyanna's
-poly
-polytetien
-polytheism
-polywog
-Pompeius
-ponytails
-Poorman's
-popcorn
-POPI
-POPped
-Poppins
-Porcius
-Porcus
-porkers
-Porky's
-porrf
-Porsche
-posibl
-POSSLQ
-posthole
-postindustrial
-postjudice
-Postnews
-Postpetroleum
-potholes
-Potluck
-potty
-Poul
-Pournelle
-pouvait
-Povich
-POWDERMILK
-powerfail
-Powermom
-Powerpoint
-poz
-PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT
-ppo
-PPRB
-Prabhupada
-praemium
-pragma
-prawns
-pre
-Precipitations
-predicaments
-prepareth
-prepoceros
-Presley
-Presume's
-pretzel
-Preudhomme's
-prgrmmng
-Price's
-Priest's
-priestess
-primordial
-Princeton's
-Pritchard
-Pritzi
-PRIV's
-PRL
-PROCESSORs
-Prochnow
-proelium
-profundities
-proletarian
-Propos
-propounded
-Proseedcake
-Prosser
-Prostetnic
-prostrates
-Protagoras
-protheththing
-protoplasmal
-protracting
-Provan
-PRs
-Prue
-Prufrock
-Pryne
-Pryor's
-PS
-Psblurtex
-Psychotics
-Publilius
-Publius
-Pudd'nhead
-Pudden
-Pudder's
-Puff's
-Pumpernickel
-punchline
-punning
-PUPs
-Purshottam
-PUSHes
-pushy
-pussycats
-Putt's
-PVLC
-PxP
-Pynchon
-Pyro's
-Python's
-QED
-QLX
-qotc
-QOTD
-QT
-quadrupic
-quaffing
-Quaid
-Qualactin
-quandry
-Quanucci
-Quasimodo's
-Quentin
-qui
-quia
-quiche
-Quicky
-Quiddely
-Quidquid
-Quigley's
-Quincey
-Quincunx
-Quinton
-quizmaster
-quop
-Quux
-Qvid
-QWERT
-QWERTY
-QWERTYUIOP
-QYX
-Rabelais
-rackmount
-Racter
-radiateth
-Radner
-raed
-Raffiniert
-raineth
-Raisa
-Raisinets
-raisiny
-RAM's
-Ramapo
-randchar
-Rankin
-Ransford
-rapturous
-Raquel
-RASC
-Raskin
-raspy
-Ratcliffe
-Ratri
-Ratsy
-RC
-rd
-RDTBL
-Readyhough
-Reaganite
-Reba
-rebinds
-Recamier
-Redd
-Regan
-Reggie
-Reginald's
-reich
-Reichel's
-Reinfeld
-Reinhart
-Reisner's
-Relaxen
-RENE
-Renegades
-Renner
-Renning's
-replased
-replasing
-restoreth
-retards
-retrospectoscope
-Reykjavik
-RFCs
-RFD
-RFSFR
-rhinoceri
-Rhode
-Rhode's
-RHU
-Richardian
-Richie
-Richler
-Ricks
-Rico
-ridandant
-rigadoon
-Rigby
-Rigg's
-Rilke
-rimeining
-rind
-Ringo
-Ringworld
-Rinzai
-riplais
-Rippingille
-Risch's
-rispektivli
-risqu
-Ritt
-Rivera
-Rizzo
-RKO
-RLG
-Roadrunner
-Robb
-Robespierre
-Roche
-Rochefoucauld
-Rocky's
-Roddick
-Rogerians
-Roguelet's
-Roguies
-Rolex
-rollups
-ROLM
-ROM's
-Romanoff
-Romanov
-Romas
-ROMS
-Romulan
-Romulans
-Ronstadt
-Rooney
-Rorschach
-Roscoe
-Rosencrantz
-rosewater
-Rospach
-Rossetti
-Rosten
-Rotherham
-Rothesay
-Rothschild
-Roumania
-rousers
-Rowlands
-Roxbury
-Royce
-Royces
-Royko
-RPG
-RPLACA
-RPLACD
-RS's
-RSSC
-RSuX
-RTAB
-rubbernecken
-Rubenesque
-Rubenstein
-Rubik's
-Rubin
-Rubinstein
-rubout
-Rudd's
-Rudin's
-Rudman
-Rudner
-Rudyard
-Ruffed
-rugby
-Rukn
-ruminations
-Rune's
-runneth
-runtime
-Rupert
-Russel
-Russon
-rustproofers
-Ruth's
-Ruthven
-RWDSK
-RWOC
-RY
-Saberhagen
-Sacher's
-Sadat
-Saddam
-Saens
-Safford
-Safire's
-Sagan
-Sagdeev
-Sagittarians
-sailer's
-salesman's
-Sallust
-Salmanazar
-Salmonson
-Salome
-Salter's
-Salvadorans
-Salvor
-sam
-Sammet
-samurai
-Sanka
-Santoro
-Santraginean
-Santraginus
-sapiens
-Sappho
-Sardi
-Sargon
-Sarnoff
-Sartre
-SAS
-Sattinger's
-Satyrs
-Sauron
-SAUV
-Savage's
-savait
-savour
-sawhorse
-Saxbe
-Sayre
-Scalia
-Scallopinni
-scats
-SCCS
-Schaeberle
-Schapiro's
-Schenk
-Scherr
-Schibe
-Schickel
-Schickele
-Schieffer
-schisms
-schizophrenics
-schlichte
-schluerfen
-Schmendrick
-Schmidt's
-Schmivalry
-Schmonsequences
-schnappen
-Schneier
-Schnoebelen
-Schrier
-Schroder
-Schrodinger's
-Schryer
-Schumacher's
-Schure
-Schwambach
-Schweitzer
-Schwiggle
-Schwine
-Scientologist
-scintillate
-Scintillae
-Scott's
-Scoville
-SCRBL
-Scrubb
-scullery
-scurries
-scuzzball
-Scythians
-sdoihjfh
-SDS
-Seager
-Seagoon
-seal's
-seatcovers
-Secombe's
-Seeger
-Segal
-sei
-Seldon
-Seleznick's
-SEMPER
-Sendak
-Sententiae
-Sep
-Septober
-sequiturs
-Serendipity
-Serling
-Serocki's
-Serres
-SETQ
-Seuss
-Sevareid
-Sevenoaks
-Sextus
-Shadow's
-shallots
-shalt
-Shannon's
-Shapley
-Sharif
-Sharpless
-Shaw's
-Shawcross
-shed's
-Shedenhelm's
-Sheeley
-Sheep's
-Sheil
-Shel
-Sherany
-Sherrill
-Shhh
-Shick's
-shineth
-shinnied
-shins
-shlafen
-Shmoedipus
-Shoaff
-Shoales
-Shockwave
-Shoffstall
-ShopRite
-shorn
-shouldst
-Shriekback
-Shrivers
-Shulman
-Shuman
-Shunju
-shutouts
-shysters
-Si
-sickens
-sickle's
-sidestepped
-Siegel
-sightseeren
-Sigismund
-Sigmund's
-SIGPLAN
-Silentarius
-Silurian
-Silverman's
-Silverstein
-Simard
-Simon's
-Simonize
-Simons
-Simpson's
-Sinanju
-Sinbad
-siouxeyesighed
-Siouxicide
-SISSIES
-situationalist
-Sitwell
-Sixtus
-sizeof
-Sizi
-Sjoberg
-Skelton
-skldfjkl
-skyhigh
-Skyler
-Skywalker
-Slagle
-SLC
-sledgehammers
-Slick's
-Slingwine
-Slinkies
-Slinkys
-SLOBOL
-Slous
-Slurm
-sluts
-Smaalders
-Smalltalk
-Smirnoff
-Smit
-Smithsonian's
-smokeouts
-Smoky's
-Smollet
-Smorgrav
-SMP
-smudges
-Smugs
-smurfette
-Smurfies
-Smurfs
-SNA
-Snacktrek
-snake's
-snarley
-Sniglets
-Snipehunter
-SNL
-snowman
-Snowmass
-Socio
-sociocybernetics
-sociopathic
-soda's
-Sodd's
-Solanas
-soliloquies
-Solipsists
-Solzhenitsyn
-somebody'd
-something's
-Sondheim
-Sooooo
-Sorhed
-sort've
-sorta
-souffrir
-Soundtrack
-SoupCon
-Souvarine's
-sow's
-Sox
-Soxer
-SP
-Spacemen
-Spaceport
-spacewar
-spake
-Spam
-spank
-Spark's
-Spartacus
-Speer's
-spel
-speling
-Spence's
-Spielberg
-Spinoza
-Spirtle
-Spisani
-spitzensparken
-spl
-sploosh
-Spock
-spokesperson
-SPR
-Sprecht
-springenwerk
-Springsteen
-sprites
-SPSW
-squaws
-squealers
-squrooneg
-SRSD
-sswwiittcchh
-stalagmites
-Stallman
-Stallone
-standest
-Standpunkt
-Stanfield
-Stanislaw
-stardust
-starfield
-Starfighter
-Starlin
-starships
-Stasheff
-statecraft
-stderr
-stdin
-steamrolling
-Steckel's
-Steele's
-Steelypips
-steeplechase
-Steiger
-Steinbach
-Steinbach's
-Steinbeck
-Steinem
-Steinman
-Stekel
-Stenderup's
-Stengel
-Stepanakert
-stepstool
-Stig's
-stingiest
-stinkmouthing
-Stinnett
-Stock's
-Stockdale
-Stoffel
-stogies
-Stonemenge
-stooge's
-Stoolie
-Stoppard
-Stormqueen
-Stormtroopers
-Strachey
-straitjackets
-strategem
-Straub
-Stretchy
-Strewzinski
-Strindberg
-structs
-Strumpets
-Strunk
-stty
-stuckness
-Stult's
-Suaviter
-subordinations
-subsittute
-Suenden
-suet
-Sugarcreek
-Suggoth
-Sulu
-Sumeria
-Sumatra
-sunbathing
-SunCheckup
-SUNKIST
-sunlamps
-SunOS
-Suntiger
-Sunward
-superannuated
-Superchicken
-superheros
-Superieure
-superpowers
-superstar
-superstars
-Suplee
-supplieth
-surly
-Surtees
-Sushido
-Suslowicz
-Sussman
-Suzie
-Sven
-Svevo
-svm
-Swaller
-swami's
-swang
-Swayze
-sweatsocks
-Sweden's
-sweeteners
-Swinburne
-Swipple's
-synagog
-syncs
-synthetase
-Syrus
-sysadmin
-syscalls
-SYSIN
-sysinstall
-SYSNOTE
-Szasz
-T'ai
-t'git
-T'umps
-Tabby
-Taber
-Taber's
-Tac
-tachyon
-Taggart
-Tai
-takest
-taketh
-Talking's
-Tallulah
-tamperest
-Tanenbaum
-tannogallate
-tapeworms
-tapioca
-tappity
-Tarkin
-Tarkington
-Tarradiddles
-Tasmanians
-TATERNATOR
-tbsp
-TDB
-Tech's
-Technolorata
-Tecumseh
-teddy
-Teddywookie
-tee'd
-teepers
-telematic
-telepath
-teleportation
-telepsychology
-tempfile
-tendrils
-tequila
-Terence
-Terentius
-Teriyaki
-Termiter's
-Tertullian
-TEXage
-textfiles
-thaaaaaaat's
-Thackeray
-Thalberg
-Thames
-Theatre
-Themas
-Theophrastus
-thermia
-Thermopylae
-Thieu
-thing's
-thinkle
-Thom
-thou'lt
-Thoul't
-Threepio
-Throop
-thru
-Thucydides
-Thurber
-Thurgood
-Thurston
-Thyme's
-thyself
-Tiburcio
-Tiddely
-Tiffany's
-Tijuana
-Tikkanen
-Timbuktu
-time's
-tinhorn
-tinpot
-Tirith
-tis
-Tiselius
-tites
-TLC
-TM
-toastings
-Tobaben
-Tobias
-Tock
-toehold
-Tolkien
-tollway
-Tomalin
-Tomash
-Tomlin
-tommyo
-Tonka
-Topanga
-Topologists
-Torek
-tornpee
-Tortue
-Tortue's
-Torvalds
-TOTD
-Toto
-touch'd
-Touche
-toujours
-toun
-Tourbillon
-Toven
-trans
-transmogrifiers
-trapezes
-Traub
-traumatized
-treacle
-Trenchtown
-Tribbles
-TRICHOPHOBIA
-Tricia
-Trillian
-Trillin
-Trimble
-Trobin
-Troney
-Trotsky
-trovato
-TRS
-Trudeau
-truffula
-truncheons
-Truscott
-Trygve
-tryptophan
-Tse
-tsetse
-TSO
-tsp
-Tsu
-tsunamis
-ttyTV
-Tue
-tuit
-tuits
-Tukey
-Tullius
-tumbleweeds
-tune's
-Tunstall
-tuppenny
-Turds
-Turgenev
-Turnaucka's
-turneth
-Tussman's
-Tut's
-Twain's
-Twas
-Tweedledee
-Tweedledum
-tween
-tweety
-twitches
-twits
-twixt
-Twodor
-Twodor's
-TYDFS
-tyg
-typefaces
-Tyroon
-Ubi
-UDA
-Udall's
-UFO
-UFO's
-uh
-ukulele
-Umberto
-Ummm
-umsige
-Un
-Una
-unamerican
-unbegot
-unbelievers
-UNC
-undemanding
-underachiever
-Unger
-Unhhh
-unhounded
-unionists
-unkindest
-unleaving
-unmasks
-unscrappable
-Unseld
-untechnician
-unvoist
-Updike
-uponst
-Urey
-Urho
-Urk
-USEnauts
-Usenetter
-useth
-USL
-Ustinov
-UT
-UTCS
-uuclean
-uulog
-VA
-Vader
-Vader's
-Vail's
-Valachi
-Valerius
-Valery
-VALGOL
-Valiel's
-valium
-VanDam
-Vannevar
-Vapereau
-vaporized
-varicose
-Varro
-Vasquez
-Vastgota
-vatch
-Vate
-Vaughan
-Vauvenargues
-Vax
-VAX's
-Vaxen
-VAXen
-VAXs
-VCR
-VCR's
-Veeck
-velcro
-Velilind's
-Velveeta
-Veni
-Venkman
-Venn
-ventious
-Verdunne
-Vergas
-Vergilius
-veritas
-Vernor
-verreckt
-Vespucci
-Vespuccia
-VESTIPHOBIA
-vetted
-VFW
-Vic
-vichyssoise
-Vidal
-VIDEOCASSETTE
-Vidi
-viditur
-Vido's
-vieillesse
-viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee
-Vila
-Vinchy
-Vinci
-Vinge
-Virgil
-Virt
-Viscott
-Vittorini
-VLSI
-VMI
-VMS
-VMSPDGERS
-Vobiscum
-Vocab
-VODKA
-vodkas
-Vogon
-Vogons
-voist
-Volkswagen
-Vollyballocracy
-Voltarine
-von
-Vonada
-Vondel's
-Vonnegut
-Vonnegut's
-VOOM
-vowlz
-Vries
-Vroomfondel
-VSOP
-VUJA
-Vulgate
-VW
-VWD
-vyui
-Waben
-WAC's
-Wald
-Walinsky
-Walla
-Wallbangers
-walleting
-Wallis
-Walter's
-Walton's
-Waltons
-Wanda
-wanna
-wanwood
-Warbucks
-Warburton
-warders
-Warhol
-warlord
-Washlesky
-WASPs
-WastebasketSLMHQ
-Wat
-watchout
-Watership
-Watford
-Watney's
-Watt's
-Watterson
-WBT
-wearers
-weatherman
-Weed's
-Weederman
-weenies
-Weil
-Weiler
-Weiler's
-Weinberg's
-Weinberger
-Weiner's
-Weir's
-weirdo
-Weisert
-Weizenbaum
-Weller
-Welles
-welp
-Wemm
-wench
-werld
-Wernher
-Wertheimer
-Westbrook
-Westbury
-westerns
-Westheimer
-Westheimer's
-Westmoreland
-Wethern's
-Wh
-Whaddaya
-Whaddya
-whaledreck
-What'll
-WHATEVERSAROUND
-Whattaya
-whilst
-Whipsnade
-WHIRRR
-Whistler's
-White's
-Whitehead's
-Whitehorn
-Whitton
-Whitty
-whoami
-whodo
-whomped
-Whooa
-Whoopie
-Wickersham
-Wiggam
-Wihelminalaan
-Wiker's
-Wilcox's
-Wilde
-wilds
-Willeford
-Willie's
-Willis
-Wilner's
-Wimbrow
-wimmelten
-wimp
-Winchell
-Windex
-windstorms
-Winfrey
-winnowed
-Winny
-Winokur
-Winsor
-Winwood
-Wir
-Wirrten
-Wirth
-wiseguy
-witch's
-Wither's
-Withington
-Witt's
-Wittgenstein
-WL
-Wobegon
-Wodehouse
-woes
-wolfing
-wollen
-Wollman
-wombat
-Wombat's
-wombats
-Womblike
-woodburning
-Woodhead
-woodlands
-Woodstock
-Woodward's
-Wookiee
-Woolf
-Woollcott
-worketh
-workingman
-Workingman's
-workup
-WORLD's
-worth's
-wreckages
-Wrenshaw
-writest
-wrung
-WSJ
-WXRT
-Wynand
-Xanadu
-xanthic
-Xanthippe's
-Xaviera
-XCVI
-xen
-xenophobic
-XGP
-XIIdigitation
-XINU
-XL
-XLI
-XLII
-XLIII
-XLIV
-XLIX
-XLV
-XLVI
-XLVII
-XLVIII
-xrewawt
-xsz
-XTC
-XXI
-XXII
-XXIII
-XXIV
-XXIX
-XXV
-XXVI
-XXVII
-XXVIII
-XXX
-XXXI
-XXXII
-XXXIII
-XXXIV
-XXXIX
-XXXV
-XXXVI
-XXXVII
-XXXVIII
-XY
-Y'all
-y'are
-Y'know
-Yabba
-Yacob
-yams
-Yankovic
-Yay
-Yellowstone
-Yeltsin
-Yessir
-Yevtushenko
-Yewtoo
-Yinkel
-Yippie
-Yoda
-Yoda's
-Yoko
-Yorba
-Yoric
-Yorker's
-you'se
-Youghkins
-Youngman
-yourselfer
-Yuggoth
-Yul
-Yuletide
-Yutang
-yyoouurr
-Zachmann
-Zadeh
-Zaftig
-Zall's
-Zamphuor
-Zanuck
-Zaphod
-Zappa
-Zarathud
-zayda
-zcat
-Zelazny
-Zelkowitz
-Zeno's
-zephyr's
-Zern
-Zevon
-Zilla
-Zimmer
-Zippos
-Zisla's
-Zolman
-ZON
-zonked
-Zonker
-zookeepers
-ZORAC
-Zork
-Zorkmids
-Zorn's
-Zorro
-Zoso
-Zow
-Zsa
-Zukav
-Zwanzig
-Zwart
-Zweigs
-Zwicky
-Zymurgy's
+++ /dev/null
-This fortune brought to you by:
-$FreeBSD$
-%
-Any user that is a member of the wheel group can use "su -" to simulate
-a root login. You can add a user to the wheel group by editing /etc/group.
- -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
-%
-By pressing "Scroll Lock" you can use the arrow keys to scroll backward
-through the console output. Press "Scroll Lock" again to turn it off.
-%
-Can't remember if you've installed a certain port or not? Try "pkg info
--x port_name".
-%
-Ever wonder what those numbers after command names were, as in cat(1)? It's
-the section of the manual the man page is in. "man man" will tell you more.
- -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
-%
-Forget how to spell a word or a variation of a word? Use
-
- look portion_of_word_you_know
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Forget what directory you are in? Type "pwd".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Forget when Easter is? Try "ncal -e". If you need the date for Orthodox
-Easter, use "ncal -o" instead.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-FreeBSD is started up by the program 'init'. The first thing init does when
-starting multiuser mode (ie, starting the computer up for normal use) is to
-run the shell script /etc/rc. By reading /etc/rc and the /etc/rc.d/ scripts,
-you can learn a lot about how the system is put together, which again will
-make you more confident about what happens when you do something with it.
-%
-Handy bash(1) prompt: PS1="\u@\h \w \!$ "
- -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
-%
-Having trouble using fetch through a firewall? Try setting the environment
-variable FTP_PASSIVE_MODE to yes, and see fetch(3) for more details.
-%
-If other operating systems have damaged your Master Boot Record, you can
-reinstall it with boot0cfg(8). See
-"man boot0cfg" for details.
-%
-If you accidentally end up inside vi, you can quit it by pressing Escape, colon
-(:), q (q), bang (!) and pressing return.
-%
-If you are in the C shell and have just installed a new program, you won't
-be able to run it unless you first type "rehash".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-If you do not want to get beeps in X11 (X Windows), you can turn them off with
-
- xset b off
-%
-If you have a CD-ROM drive in your machine, you can make the CD-ROM that is
-presently inserted available by typing 'mount /cdrom' as root. The CD-ROM
-will be available under /cdrom/. Remember to do 'umount /cdrom' before
-removing the CD-ROM (it will usually not be possible to remove the CD-ROM
-without doing this.)
-
-Note: This tip may not work in all configurations.
-%
-If you need a reminder to leave your terminal, type "leave +hhmm" where
-"hhmm" represents in how many hours and minutes you need to leave.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-If you need to ask a question on the FreeBSD-questions mailing list then
-
- http://www.FreeBSD.org/doc/en_US.ISO8859-1/articles/\
- freebsd-questions/index.html
-
-contains lots of useful advice to help you get the best results.
-%
-If you write part of a filename in tcsh,
-pressing TAB will show you the available choices when there
-is more than one, or complete the filename if there's only one match.
-%
-If you `set watch = (0 any any)' in tcsh, you will be notified when
-someone logs in or out of your system.
-%
-If you use the C shell, add the following line to the .cshrc file in your
-home directory to prevent core files from being written to disk:
-
- limit coredumpsize 0
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-If you want df(1) and other commands to display disk sizes in
-kilobytes instead of 512-byte blocks, set BLOCKSIZE in your
-environment to 'K'. You can also use 'M' for Megabytes or 'G' for
-Gigabytes. If you want df(1) to automatically select the best size
-then use 'df -h'.
-%
-If you want to play CDs with FreeBSD, a utility for this is already included.
-Type 'cdcontrol' then 'help' to learn more. (You may need to set the CDROM
-environment variable in order to make cdcontrol want to start.)
-%
-If you'd like to keep track of applications in the FreeBSD ports tree, take a
-look at FreshPorts;
-
- http://www.freshports.org/
-%
-In order to make fetch (the FreeBSD downloading tool) ask for
-username/password when it encounters a password-protected web page, you can set
-the environment variable HTTP_AUTH to 'basic:*'.
-%
-In order to search for a string in some files, use 'grep' like this:
-
- grep "string" filename1 [filename2 filename3 ...]
-
-This will print out the lines in the files that contain the string. grep can
-also do a lot more advanced searches - type 'man grep' for details.
-%
-In order to support national characters for European languages in tools like
-less without creating other nationalisation aspects, set the environment
-variable LC_ALL to 'en_US.ISO8859-1'.
-%
-"man firewall" will give advice for building a FreeBSD firewall
- -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
-%
-"man hier" will explain the way FreeBSD filesystems are normally laid out.
- -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
-%
-Man pages are divided into section depending on topic. There are 9 different
-sections numbered from 1 (General Commands) to 9 (Kernel Developer's Manual).
-You can get an introduction to each topic by typing
-
- man <number> intro
-
-In other words, to get the intro to general commands, type
-
- man 1 intro
-%
-"man ports" gives many useful hints about installing FreeBSD ports.
-%
-"man security" gives very good advice on how to tune the security of your
-FreeBSD system.
-%
-"man tuning" gives some tips how to tune performance of your FreeBSD system.
- -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
-%
-Need to do a search in a manpage or in a file you've sent to a pager? Use
-"/search_word". To repeat the same search, type "n" for next.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Need to find the location of a program? Use "locate program_name".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Need to leave your terminal for a few minutes and don't want to logout?
-Use "lock -p". When you return, use your password as the key to unlock the
-terminal.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Need to print a manpage? Use
-
- man name_of_manpage | col -bx | lpr
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Need to quickly empty a file? Use ": > filename".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Need to quickly return to your home directory? Type "cd".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Need to remove all those ^M characters from a DOS file? Try
-
- tr -d \\r < dosfile > newfile
- -- Originally by Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Need to see the calendar for this month? Simply type "cal". To see the
-whole year, type "cal -y".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Need to see which daemons are listening for connection requests? Use
-"sockstat -4l" for IPv4, and "sockstat -l" for IPv4 and IPv6.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Need to see your routing table? Type "netstat -rn". The entry with the G
-flag is your gateway.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Nice bash prompt: PS1='(\[$(tput md)\]\t <\w>\[$(tput me)\]) $(echo $?) \$ '
- -- Mathieu <mathieu@hal.interactionvirtuelle.com>
-%
-Over quota? "du -s * | sort -n " will give you a sorted list of your
-directory sizes.
- -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
-%
-nc(1) (or netcat) is useful not only for redirecting input/output to
-TCP or UDP connections, but also for proxying them with inetd(8).
-%
-sh (the default Bourne shell in FreeBSD) supports command-line editing. Just
-``set -o emacs'' or ``set -o vi'' to enable it.
-%
-Simple tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%# '
-%
-The default editor in FreeBSD is vi, which is efficient to use when you have
-learned it, but somewhat user-unfriendly. To use ee (an easier but less
-powerful editor) instead, set the environment variable EDITOR to /usr/bin/ee
-%
-Time to change your password? Type "passwd" and follow the prompts.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To change an environment variable in /bin/sh use:
-
- $ VARIABLE="value"
- $ export VARIABLE
-%
-To change an environment variable in tcsh you use: setenv NAME "value"
-where NAME is the name of the variable and "value" its new value.
-%
-To clear the screen, use "clear". To re-display your screen buffer, press
-the scroll lock key and use your page up button. When you're finished,
-press the scroll lock key again to get your prompt back.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To determine whether a file is a text file, executable, or some other type
-of file, use
-
- file filename
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To do a fast search for a file, try
-
- locate filename
-
-locate uses a database that is updated every Saturday (assuming your computer
-is running FreeBSD at the time) to quickly find files based on name only.
-%
-To erase a line you've written at the command prompt, use "Ctrl-U".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To find the hostname associated with an IP address, use
-
- drill -x IP_address
- -- Allan Jude <allanjude@FreeBSD.org>
-%
-To obtain a neat PostScript rendering of a manual page, use ``-t'' switch
-of the man(1) utility: ``man -t <topic>''. For example:
-
- man -t grep > grep.ps # Save the PostScript version to a file
-or
- man -t printf | lp # Send the PostScript directly to printer
-%
-To quickly create an empty file, use "touch filename".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To read a compressed file without having to first uncompress it, use
-"zcat" or "zless" to view it.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To repeat the last command in the C shell, type "!!".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To save disk space in your home directory, compress files you rarely
-use with "gzip filename".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To search for files that match a particular name, use find(1); for example
-
- find / -name "*GENERIC*" -ls
-
-will search '/', and all subdirectories, for files with 'GENERIC' in the name.
- -- Stephen Hilton <nospam@hiltonbsd.com>
-%
-To see all of the directories on your FreeBSD system, type
-
- find / -type d | less
-
-All the files?
-
- find / -type f | less
-%
-To see how long it takes a command to run, type the word "time" before the
-command name.
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To see how much disk space is left on your partitions, use
-
- df -h
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To see the 10 largest files on a directory or partition, use
-
- du /partition_or_directory_name | sort -rn | head
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To see the IP addresses currently set on your active interfaces, type
-"ifconfig -u".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To see the last 10 lines of a long file, use "tail filename". To see the
-first 10 lines, use "head filename".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To see the last time that you logged in, use lastlogin(8).
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To see the MAC addresses of the NICs on your system, type
-
- ifconfig -a
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-To see the output from when your computer started, run dmesg(8). If it has
-been replaced with other messages, look at /var/run/dmesg.boot.
- -- Francisco Reyes <lists@natserv.com>
-%
-Want colour in your directory listings? Use "ls -G". "ls -F" is also useful,
-and they can be combined as "ls -FG".
-%
-Want to find a specific port, just type the following under /usr/ports
-or one its subdirectories:
-
- make search name=<port-name>
- or
- make search key=<keyword>
-%
-Want to know how many words, lines, or bytes are contained in a file? Type
-"wc filename".
- -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
-%
-Want to see how much virtual memory you're using? Just type "swapinfo" to
-be shown information about the usage of your swap partitions.
-%
-Want to strip UTF-8 BOM(Byte Order Mark) from given files?
-
- sed -e '1s/^\xef\xbb\xbf//' < bomfile > newfile
-%
-Want to use sed(1) to edit a file in place? Well, to replace every 'e' with
-an 'o', in a file named 'foo', you can do:
-
- sed -i.bak s/e/o/g foo
-
-And you'll get a backup of the original in a file named 'foo.bak', but if you
-want no backup:
-
- sed -i '' s/e/o/g foo
-%
-When you've made modifications to a file in vi(1) and then find that
-you can't write it, type ``<ESC>!rm -f %'' then ``:w!'' to force the
-write
-
-This won't work if you don't have write permissions to the directory
-and probably won't be suitable if you're editing through a symbolic link.
-%
-You can adjust the volume of various parts of the sound system in your
-computer by typing 'mixer <type> <volume>'. To get a list of what you can
-adjust, just type 'mixer'.
-%
-You can automatically download and install binary packages by doing
-
- pkg install <package>
-
-This will also automatically install the packages that are dependencies
-for the package you install (ie, the packages it needs in order to work.)
-%
-You can change the video mode on all consoles by adding something like
-the following to /etc/rc.conf:
-
- allscreens="80x30"
-
-You can use "vidcontrol -i mode | grep T" for a list of supported text
-modes.
- -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
-%
-You can disable tcsh's terminal beep if you `set nobeep'.
-%
-You can install extra packages for FreeBSD by using the ports system.
-If you have installed it, you can download, compile, and install software by
-just typing
-
- # cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname>
- # make install && make clean
-
-as root. The ports infrastructure will download the software, change it so
-it works on FreeBSD, compile it, install it, register the installation so it
-will be possible to automatically uninstall it, and clean out the temporary
-working space it used. You can remove an installed port you decide you do not
-want after all by typing
-
- # cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname>
- # make deinstall
-
-as root.
-%
-You can look through a file in a nice text-based interface by typing
-
- less filename
-%
-You can make a log of your terminal session with script(1).
-%
-You can often get answers to your questions about FreeBSD by searching in the
-FreeBSD mailing list archives at
-
- http://www.FreeBSD.org/search/search.html
-%
-You can open up a new split-screen window in (n)vi with :N or :E and then
-use ^w to switch between the two.
-%
-You can permanently set environment variables for your shell by putting them
-in a startup file for the shell. The name of the startup file varies
-depending on the shell - csh and tcsh uses .login, bash, sh, ksh and zsh use
-.profile. When using bash, sh, ksh or zsh, don't forget to export the
-variable.
-%
-You can press Ctrl-D to quickly exit from a shell, or logout from a
-login shell.
- -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
-%
-You can press Ctrl-L while in the shell to clear the screen.
-%
-You can press up-arrow or down-arrow to walk through a list of
-previous commands in tcsh.
-%
-You can search for documentation on a keyword by typing
-
- apropos keyword
-%
-You can `set autologout = 30' to have tcsh log you off automatically
-if you leave the shell idle for more than 30 minutes.
-%
-You can use aliases to decrease the amount of typing you need to do to get
-commands you commonly use. Examples of fairly popular aliases include (in
-Bourne shell style, as in /bin/sh, bash, ksh, and zsh):
-
- alias lf="ls -FA"
- alias ll="ls -lA"
- alias su="su -m"
-
-In csh or tcsh, these would be
-
- alias lf ls -FA
- alias ll ls -lA
- alias su su -m
-
-To remove an alias, you can usually use 'unalias aliasname'. To list all
-aliases, you can usually type just 'alias'.
-%
-You can use /etc/make.conf to control the options used to compile software
-on this system. Example entries are in
-/usr/share/examples/etc/make.conf.
-%
-You can use "pkg info" to see a list of packages you have installed.
-%
-You can use the 'fetch' command to retrieve files over ftp, http or https.
-
- fetch http://www.FreeBSD.org/index.html
-
-will download the front page of the FreeBSD web site.
-%
-You can use "whereis" to search standard binary, manual page and source
-directories for the specified programs. This can be particularly handy
-when you are trying to find where in the ports tree an application is.
-
-Try "whereis firefox" and "whereis whereis".
- -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
-%
-Want to run the same command again?
-In tcsh you can type "!!"
-%
-Want to go the directory you were just in?
-Type "cd -"
-%
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-aliasname
-allscreens
-AUTH
-autolist
-autologout
-BLOCKSIZE
-bomfile
-cdcontrol
-cdrom
-CDs
-cfg
-conf
-coredumpsize
-csh
-cshrc
-Ctrl
-deinstall
-dmesg
-dosfile
-dscheidt
-duth
-ESC
-filec
-FreeBSD
-grep
-gzip
-hiltonbsd
-html
-http
-ifconfig
-inetd
-init
-interactionvirtuelle
-IPv
-istar
-kkonstan
-Konstantinidis
-ksh
-lastlogin
-lpr
-manpage
-mathieu
-misc
-natserv
-ncal
-netcat
-netstat
-newfile
-NICs
-nobeep
-nospam
-org
-passwd
-pkg
-portname
-PostScript
-printf
-proxying
-PS
-pwd
-Reyes
-sbin
-Scheidt
-setenv
-sockstat
-swapinfo
-sysinstall
-tcsh
-tcsh's
-tput
-tumbolia
-UDP
-umount
-unalias
-uninstall
-uniq
-username
-usr
-UTF
-vidcontrol
-whereis
-www
-xset
-zcat
-zmore
-zsh
+++ /dev/null
-%% $FreeBSD$
-%% From The War Against The Chtorr,
-%% Copyright David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all rights reserved,
-%% used with permission of the author.
-%%
-%%© This is the copyright line.
-%%Eighty-nine is the year we assign.
-%% These verses are caroled
-%% by one David Gerrold.
-%%All rights are reserved. This is mine. *
-%%
-A limerick of classic proportion
-should have meter and rhyme and a portion
- of humor quite lewd,
- and a frightfully crude,
-impossible sexual contortion.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A limerick is best when it's lewd,
-gross, titillating and crude --
- but this one is clean,
- unless you are seen
-reading it aloud in the nude.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-I wanted to print here a medley
-of limericks so gross they were deadly,
- but when the typesetter tried
- to set them, he died;
-(not to mention my editor, Smedly.)
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-I have written some limericks quite fateful,
-malicious and vicious and hateful;
- but I've torn up the jokes
- that would sicken most folks,
-and humanity ought to be grateful.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young lady named Susie,
-Who everyone thought was a floozy.
- She liked boy scout troops
- and Shriners, in groups;
-"What the hell?" She replied. "I'm not choosy."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A fellow who lived in West Perkin
-was always a-jerkin' his gherkin.
- Said he, "It's not fickle
- to play with my pickle.
-At least my gherkin's a workin'."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A proctologist name of McGee
-once bent over double to see
- an eyeball of glass
- he had shoved up his ass,
-"-- so I can see one that looks back at me."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Bart has a singular penis
-for his wife who is built like a Venus.
- He awoke with a fright
- last Saturday night:
-"Hey! Something is coming between us!"
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady who lives in New Delhi
-has habits disgusting and smelhi.
- She likes to eat feces
- of various species.
-(The recipe is tattooed or her belhi.)
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A daisy chain isn't a riddle.
-just some folks who are happy to fiddle,
- by twos and by threes,
- on their backs or their knees,
-and it's fun getting caught in the middle!
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lad with a marvelous bend
-has no need of a lover or friend.
- What he does to himself
- would fill up a shelf,
-but alas, he has come to his end.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was an old witch, name of Jessie
-whose crotch was all smelly and messie.
- She enjoyed a good squirm
- with an alien worm
--- and got stains all over her dressie!
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady who favors coition,
-has invented the spaceship position.
- She lies down with ease
- and pulls up her knees,
-and hollers, "Lift off!" and "Ignitions!"
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Isaac the famous seducer,
-will meet a young lass and conducer
- to let him get fresh
- with her quivering flesh,
-but if there isn't the time, he'll just gucer.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-And old man of Texas named Tanners
-was notorious for his bad manners.
- When he noticed the start
- of an imminent fart,
-he'd announce it with bullhorns and banners.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A woman who wanted to see,
-if she stood up, how far she could pee,
- had pardon to beg,
- when it ran down her leg,
-and formed icicles off her left knee.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie
-(Yes, this is that kind of story.)
- She did it with Joe
- and Larry and Moe
-and Curly and Howard and Morrie.
-
-And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry
-And Lonnie and Horace and Boris and Barry
- and Donald and Harold
- and Ronald and Gerald
-and Tommy and Dicky and Harry.
-
-And . . . Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd
-and Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod
- and Brucie and Mark
- and Bobby and Clarck
-and she still isn't finished! My God!
-
-And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken
-and Dewey and Louie, then David again,
- and Willy and Ben
- and David again
-and again and again and again.
-
-And Danny and Manny and Gary and Fred
-and Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned
- and Harvey and Len
- (then David again)
-and -- hold on just a second, she's dead!
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young man from St. Loo,
-who gave his dear sister a screw.
- Said he, with aplomb,
- "You're better than Mom."
-Said she, "That's what Dad told me too!"
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady who didn't like flies
-managed to hide her surprise,
- when she opened up one
- and found it was fun.
-Now she willingly widens her thighs.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young lady named Nancy,
-who liked having sex, plain of fancy.
- With lightning and thunder,
- and a profound sense of wonder,
-But not with a partner -- much too chancy.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young lady quite tearful.
-Of sucking a cock, she was fearful.
- In a moment of dread,
- she just turned her head.
-And, boy! Did she get an earful!
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A mathematician named Boris
-had a wife with a wondrous clitoris.
- He charged a small fee
- for his colleagues to see
-that it was made in the shape of a torus.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-The ladies all had to agree
-that Mort's penis was too small to see.
- A whore named Louise
- sniffed, "Who will _that_ please?"
-Mort proudly submitted, "Just me!"
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Fisk
-whose comings and goings were brisk,
- He hid things that were stolen
- inside his colon,
-and said, "Hey! It's my own *."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A stunning young lady named Joan
-thought a penis was made with a bone.
- She just didn't know
- 'twas her sexual glow
-that turned parts of men into stone.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A midwife named Flo from Arabia
-often enjoys giving baby a
- forty-volt shock
- to the base of the cock.
-(On a girl, she goes for the labia.)
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-I know of a lass who's for sale.
-She's really a nice piece of tail.
- From June to September,
- she'll devour your member,
-but the rest of the year, she's in jail.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Miss Wilkerson thought it her duty
-to maintain her conjugal beauty.
- She mixed up a paste
- of industrial waste,
-and applied it to her sweet patootie.*
-
-* The facts about beauty are known,
-and well-learned by those who are grown:
- beauty is thin,
- it lies on the skin;
-but ugly goes down to the bone.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-The punctual Cynthia Rolen
-missed a period, (or it was stolen)
- She looked up her ass
- with a tube made of glass,
-but found only her own semi-colon;
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A short-organ fellow named Kevin
-used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
- then to eight and to nine,
- and though ten was divine,
-there will be film at eleven.*
-
-* If you think that our boy's now a stud,
-you've been fooled by the size of his pud.
- Although twelve inches soft,
- when it rises aloft,
-he just faints from the sheer lack of blood.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There once was a lady named Lizard,
-who got lost in a pink candy blizzard,
- with a fellow named Jim
- who wanted to swim
-up her legs to visit her gizzard.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Ted,
-who had a radio put in his head.
- Long wave or short
- he did it for sport
--- and to improve his reception in bed.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young lady from Venus,
-whose body was shaped like a penis.
- A fellow named Hunt
- was shaped like a cunt,
-so it all worked out fine, just between us.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was an old bastard named Gene,
-impotent, selfish, and mean.
- His dick was so shamed
- by what the man claimed,
-it pretended that is was a spleen.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Jason,
-whose horrible death I would hasten.
- I'd feed him to worms,
- just to see how he squirms
--- but they'd vomit his crap in a basin.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-With a French lass, it's unwise to trifle.
-They have urges they simply can't stifle.
- A woman of France
- will pull down her pants
-at the sight of a towering eye-full.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-"My God!" screamed devout Mrs. Pike,
-as she fondled her stableman's spike.
- "This is quite out of place,
- and a great loss of face
--- but I think I have fallen in like!"
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A well-endower fellow from Ortening
-prepared for an evening of sportening,
- with a boy from a disco,
- till he lubed up his Crisco,
-and discovered, alas, it was _shortening_!
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady who read Sigmund Freud,
-thought her genitals underemployed;
- so she put in a stand
- for a seven-piece band,
-and held dances that we all enjoyed.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady named Shirley was mellow
-and she said to her eager young fellow,
- "I prefer bagels and lox
- to sucking off cocks,
-Or even a nice dish of Jell-O!"
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young man from St. Helens
-afflicted with shrinkin's and swellin's.
- His dick was so small
- it was not there at all,
-but his balls looked like honeydew melons.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A woman who once faked a lettera
-reference by which she could gettera
- job much improved,
- regretted her move
-when they asked her to show her et cetera.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady of South Madagascar
-wears a bag on her head; it's to mask her.
- A bottle of scotch
- might loosen her crotch.
-Wait here, I'll go and I'll ask her.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Chuck is weird, let the whole world know it.
-He brought in his bucket to show it.
- We all had a fit
- when we saw it was shit.
-We didn't know he was planning to throw it.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-"Which partners are best? Sixty-niners.
-And better than that? Try the Shriners."
- These are the results
- of consenting adults,
-(and occasional like-minded minors.)
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady's iambic pentameter
-is thirty-two inches diameter.
- The breadth of her scansion
- is due to expansion
-in the pants of a critical amateur.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Norwich
-Who liked having sex with his porridge.
- With sugar and cream
- and a buttery scream --
-(The leftovers went into storage.)
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Jim
-who liked to get naked and swim
- with plastic sex toys
- shaped like pubescent boys,
-'cause he'd rather be gay than be grim.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady who jogged in the breeze
-had bosoms that flapped to her knees.
- Said she, "They're quite warm,
- they keep me dry in a storm,
-and when it snows, I use them for skis."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was an old voyeur named Zeke,
-who liked to hide in the closet and peek,
- then jump out with loud cries
- of "Aha!" and "Surprise!"
-and point out your flaws in technique.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Rick promised to gently deflower
-a maiden who lived on South Gower,
- (The truth is, he spread
- her legs wide on the bed,
-and finished her off in an hour.)
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-These poems have come out of my forehead.
-The subject are all fairly torrid
- -- except for the few
- that will make you say, "Pugh!"
-And those are the ones that are horrid.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Juanita, the subject of scandals,
-used to use unscented candles,
- but now thinks it nice
- to use a device
-with batteries, buzzers, and handles.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was an old prune name of Ginty
-who only ate muffins and thin tea.
- Thinking of sex
- gave her the blecchs,
-and left her all dried up and squinty.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Here's the tale of Benjamin Sneed:
-Where others were two'd he was three'd
- and when they unmasked it,
- (three balls in his basket),
-he was voted "Most Likely to Breed."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A maiden who had a third breast
-always kept her hand close to her chest,
- and I promised her well
- that I never would tell.
-(Write me privately. Name on request.)
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Skydiver Daniel McDopp
-used to masturbate right from the top.
- Whenever he fell,
- he jerked off like hell.
-He was good to the very last drop.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A necrophile name of Ned Schultz,
-often brags of his deed and exults,
- "Tis legal, it's said,
- to make love to the dead,
-if performed by consenting adults."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Have you ever met Jamie McBeezis?
-He does any damn thing that he pleases.
- Says Jamie, undaunted,
- "If you've got it,then flaunt it!"
-But he's referring to social diseases.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There once was a nearsighted gynie
-whose glasses were sparkly and shiny;
- but they stayed in the drawer
- while he worked on a whore
-and tied up the tubes of her hiney.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A shepherd named Jimmie Fitzhugh,
-said to his sweetheart, "It's true.
- Nothing is moister
- than a fresh oister,
-unless, of course, it is ewe."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There's a reason why Barton is queer.
-When you meet him, the reason is clear.
- A goddess named Venus
- gave him a penis,
-but Mother Nature filled up his brassiere.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Then there was Benjamin Bright,
-a contestant on "What's My Delight?"
- They guesses at his habits
- with little white rabbits,
-but were stumped by his mouse and his kite.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young man from St. Lutz,
-who had a remarkable putz.
- It would sniff, it would hunt,
- for it only liked cunt.
-Absolutely no lips, hands, or butts.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Sally's sex life was carefully planned.
-Said she, "I prefer to be manned.
- Things that are anal,
- are always so banal,
-but things that expand are just grand."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Sally-Jo was exceedingly vexed,
-when they said she was quite oversexed.
- She said, "That's not true,
- I just like to screw,
-Now, please take a number. Who's next?"
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Sally sued for support; she was claimin'
-Phil had fathered her baby (named Damon).
- She said, "I ought to know."
- as she pointed below.
-"'Cause this is the box that he came in."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-We will need a computer to tally
-all the cowboys who scouted our Sally.
- There were some on her mountains
- and some on her fountains,
-and quite a few down in the valley.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady who overly lusted
-was frequently opened and thrusted.
- When the baby came due
- it was female too,
-and its hymen was already busted.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-When writing these verses of mine,
-I start with a clever last line,
- then work backward from there,
- toward the opening pair,
-with the hope it'll all work out fine.*
-
-*only sometimes it doesn't.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There once was a whore from St. Paul,
-who took anyone, wide, short, or tall.
- She said to her clients,
- "It's not really science --
-it's just that one size will fit all!"
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Forrest
-whose cornhole was one of the sorest.
- Said he, "I don't mind
- a regular grind
--- but I do wish my ass were clitorised."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-When Shakespeare awakes with a scream
-and his member a-drippin' with cream,
- 'tis just the commission
- of nocturnal emission,
-which he dubs, "A Mid-Slumber Night-Stream."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-Sally-Jo taught erotic correction.
-She told her student to get an erection.
- "Put your dick in my mouth.
- Move it north, move it south --
-Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"
-
-Her instructions were very explicit,
-and more than a little illicit:
- "Please fill up my cunny
- with fresh clover honey,
-and butter my buns like a biscuit."
-
-"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
-and I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
- I'll put on some feathers,
- and laces and leathers,
-and wiggle my ass while you spank it."
-
-"Now that your fingers are stinky,
-tie me up in some chains that are clinky.
- Bring in goats and a sheik,
- give my titties a tweak
---and _now_, we can start getting kinky!"
-
-"Forget what the chain and the whip meant.
-Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment
- of high-grade Vaseline,
- and a strong trampoline,
-and all of the other equipment!"
-
-"Now, when we get all the bedsprings a-drummin',
-that's when I'll start in a-hummin',
- then quickly, my dear,
- put it into my ear,
-so I'll hear the sound of it comin'!"
-
-"I don't know how much this is costing,"
-said her student, still covered with frosting.
- "But I can say with affinity
- that I've lost my virginity.
-Quite frankly, my dear, you're _exhausting_!"
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a mad pilot named Lizzy,
-whose manners were said to be skizzy.
- She could loop, she could twirl,
- she could make your head whirl.
-She left all her men fucking dizzy.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-The speed of Ed's seed is unclocked
-whenever a lady's unfrocked.
- Tho' his spirit is willin',
- when a pussy needs fillin',
-he's a man who goes off half-cocked.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A lady whose name is Tirelli
-has tits made of dynamite jelli.
- If you take on this dare,
- you must fondle with care.
-(The detonator's south of her belli.)
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-The fame of our Mame was her tushy,
-and the front of her cunt. (It was bushy.)
- But I heard that her Mike
- preferred for his spike
-the place in her face that was skwooshy.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A whore with a face like a hound
-complained that her sales were down,
- till a lover named Michael
- bought her a cycle,
-and she peddled it all over town.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-There was a young man named Levine
-who said to his lady, inclined,
- "Thanks for the spasm,
- it felt like orgasm;
-as a matter of fact, 'twas divine."
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
-A king who was mad at the time,
-decreed limerick writing a crime.
- but late in the night
- all the poets would write
-verses without any rhyme or meter.
-
-From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
-rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
-%
+++ /dev/null
-%% $FreeBSD$
-%
-A bad little girl in Madrid,
-A most reprehensible kid,
- Told her Tante Louise
- That her cunt smelled like cheese,
-And the worst of it was that it did!
-%
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
- Saw a man come along
- And, unless I'm quite wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
- But another, more sane,
- Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
-A beautiful belle of Del Norte
-Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
- Because during the day
- She says: "Boys, keep away!"
-But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
-%
-A beautiful lady named Psyche
-Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
- One thing about Ike
- The lady can't like
-Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
-%
-A beetling young woman named Pridgets
-Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
- Off the end of a wharf
- She once pushed a dwarf
-Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
-Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
- When she swiveled about
- Even strong men cried out,
-For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
-%
-A bobby of Nottingham Junction
-Whose organ had long ceased to function
- Deceived his good wife
- For the rest of her life
-With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
-%
-A broken-down harlot named Tupps
-Was heard to confess in her cups:
- "The height of my folly
- Was diddling a collie-
-But I got a nice price for the pups."
-%
-A burlesque dancer, a pip
-Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
- But she read science fiction
- And died of constriction
-Attempting a Moebius strip.
- -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
-%
-A busy young lady named Gloria
-Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
- And then by six men,
- Sir Gerald again,
-And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
-%
-A cabin boy on an old clipper
-Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
- He plugged up his ass
- With fragments of glass
-And thus circumcised his old skipper.
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
-Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
- With his date all strapped in
- He committed a sin
-Without even leaving the garage.
- -- "A Boy and His Dog"
-%
-A cautious young fellow named Tunney
-Had a whang that was worth any money.
- When eased in half-way,
- The girl's sigh made him say,
-"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
-%
-A certain young man, it was noted,
-Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
- He said, "You may scoff,
- But I shan't take it off;
-Underneath I am horribly bloated."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A certain young person of Ghent,
-Uncertain if lady or gent,
- Shows his organs at large
- For a small handling charge
-To assist him in paying the rent.
-%
-A certain young sheik of Algiers
-Said to his harem, "My dears,
- Though you may think it odd of me,
- I'm tired of just sodomy
-Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
-%
-A chap down in Oklahoma
-Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
- But the sweetness of pitch
- Couldn't put off the hitch
-Of impotence, size and aroma.
-%
-A charmer from old Amarillo,
-Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
- Decided one day
- That to keep men away
-She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
-%
-A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
-Had a pussy as large as a muff.
- It had room for both hands
- And some intimate glands,
-And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
-%
-A clerical student named Pryne
-Through pain sought to reach the divine:
- He wore a hair shirt,
- Quite often ate dirt,
-And bathed every Friday in brine.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A clever young man named Eugene
-Invented a jack-off machine.
- On the twenty-third stroke
- The fuckin' thing broke
-And beat both his balls to a creame.
-%
-A cocksucking steno named Beeman
-Remarked as she swallowed my semen:
- "On my minuscule salary
- I must watch every calorie,
-So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
-%
-A computer called Illiac4
-Had a rather tough bug in its core.
- It chewed up its cards
- And spewed yards and yards
-Of illegible tape on the floor.
-%
-A contortionist hailing from Lynch
-Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
- A foot cost a quid --
- He could and he did
-Stretch it to three in a pinch.
-%
-A corpulent maiden named Kroll
-Had a notion exceedingly droll:
- At a masquerade ball,
- Dressed in nothing at all,
-She backed in as a Parker House roll.
-%
-A cowhand way out in Seattle
-Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
- He said, "No, I can't fuck
- A lamb or a duck,
-But golly! it just fits the cattle."
-%
-A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
-And had an affair with a Saracen.
- She was not oversexed,
- Or jealous or vexed,
-She just wanted to make a comparison.
-%
-A CS student named Lin
-Had a prick the size of a pin
- It was no good for girls
- But just great for squirrels
-Who squealed with delight with it in.
-%
-A cute little twerp from Samoa
-Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
- It was good for keyholes
- And debutantes' peeholes
-But not worth a damn on a whoa.
-%
-A daredevil skater named Lowe,
-Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
- But is proudest of doing,
- Some incredible screwing,
-Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
-%
-A deep-throated virgin named Netty
-Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
- She said, "It tastes nice,
- Much better than rice,
-Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
-%
-A delighted, incredulous bride
-Remarked to her groom at her side:
- "I never could quite
- Believe till tonight
-Our anatomies would coincide."
-%
-A dentist, young doctor Malone,
-Got a charming girl patient alone,
- And, in his depravity,
- Filled the wrong cavity.
-God, how his practice has grown.
-%
-A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
-With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
- Let his third-story front,
- To a willing young cunt,
-Who supplied him a new lease on life!
-%
-A desperate spinster from Clare
-Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
- And prayed to her God
- For a romp on the sod--
-'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
-%
-A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
-Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
- As quick as a glance
- He stripped off his pants,
-But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
-%
-A doctoral student from Buckingham
-Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
- But a dropout from paree
- Taught him Gamahuchee
-- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
-%
-A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
-Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
- She blew her vagina
- To South Carolina,
-And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
-
-A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
-Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
- They found her vagina,
- In South Carolina,
-And part of her ass in Brazil.
-%
-A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
-Whose overworked sex is all callous,
- Wore the foreskin away
- On uncircumcised Ray,
-Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
-%
-A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
-Wished to foster an aura of menace.
- To make people afraid
- He wore gloves of grey suede
-And white footgear intended for tennis.
- -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
-%
-A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
-Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
- Had achieved some renown
- For her tone going down--
-There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
-%
-A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
-Thought it very, very foolish to place
- Her hand on your cock
- When it turned hard as rock,
-For fear it would explode in your face.
-%
-A farmer I know named O'Doole
-Had a long and incredible tool.
- He can use it to plow,
- Or to diddle a cow,
-Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
-%
-A fellatrix's healthful condition
-Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
- Her remarkable diet
- (I suggest that you try it)
-Was only her clients' emission.
-%
-A fellow whose surname was Hunt
-Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
- This versatile spout
- Could be turned inside out,
-Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
-%
-A fisherman off of Cape Cod
-Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
- But the high-minded fish
- Resented his wish,
-And nimbly swam off with his rod.
-%
-A foolish geologist from Kissen
-Just didn't know what he was missin',
- By studying rock
- And neglecting his cock,
-And using it merely for pissin'.
-%
-A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
-Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
- When he popped her cherry,
- She made things hairy
-By bleeding all over his face.
-%
-A gay young prince from Morocco
-Made love in a manner rococo.
- He painted his penis
- To resemble a Venus
-And flavored his semen with cocoa.
-%
-A geneticist living in Delft
-Scientifically played with himself,
- And when he was done
- He labeled it: son,
-And filed him away on a shelf.
-%
-A gentleman, otherwise meek,
-Detested with passion the leek;
- When offered one out
- He dealt such a clout
-To the maid, she was down for a week.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A german composer named Bruckner
-Remarked to a lady while fuckener:
- "Less lento, my dear,
- With your cute little rear;
-I like a hot presto when muckener!"
-%
-A gift was delivered to Laura
-From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
- Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
- It was peeled, like a grape,
-And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A gifted young fellow from Sparta
-Was widely renowned as a farta'.
- He could fart anything
- From "Of Thee I Sing,"
-To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
-%
-A girl camper once had an affair
-With a fellow all covered with hair.
- When she gave him his hat
- She realized that
-She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
-%
-A girl of the Enterprise crew
-Refused every offer to screw.
- But a Vulcan named Spock
- Crawled under her smock,
-And now she is eating for two.
-%
-A girl of uncertain nativity
-Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
- While she sat on the lap
- Of a German or Jap,
-She could sense Fifth Column activity.
-%
-A graduate student named Zac
-Was said to be great in the sack.
- An inch of his boner
- Put girls in a coma
-And two gave them epileptic attacks.
-%
-A greedy young lady from Sidney
-Liked it in up to her kidney,
- Till a man from Quebec
- Shoved it up to her neck--
-He really diddled her, didn' he?
-%
-A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
-Once swallowed a package of seeds.
- In a month, his ass
- Was covered with grass
-And his balls were grown over with weeds.
-%
-A guest in a household quite charmless
-Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
- "If you're caught unawares
- At the head of the stairs,
-Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A habit depraved and unsavory
-Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
- Midst screeches and howls
- He deflowered young owls
-Which he kept in an underground aviary
-%
-A habit obscene and bizarre,
-Has taken a-hold of papa.
- He brings home young camels
- And other odd mammals,
-And gives them a go at mama.
-%
-A habit obscene and unsavory,
-Holds a CS professor in slavery.
- With maniacal howls,
- He deflowers young owls,
-That he keeps in an underground aviary.
-%
-A hacker who screwed a mag tape
-Was caught and convicted of rape.
- To jail he did go,
- From which, to his woe
-He couldn't get out with ESC.
-%
-A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
-Made love to the drive of his disk.
- The thing circumsized him,
- Which rather surprised him.
-He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
-%
-A handsome young rodent named Gratian
-As a lifeguard became a sensation.
- All the lady mice waved
- And screamed to be saved
-By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
-%
-A happy old hooker named Grace
-Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
- It was hard for beginners
- To tell who were winners:
-There were cunt hairs all over the place.
-%
-A hardware debugger named Court
-Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
- But its buffer array
- Only handled 1K,
-So the port's driver cut it off short.
-%
-A haughty young wench of Del Norte
-Would fuck only men over forty.
- Said she, "It's too quick
- With a young fellow's prick;
-I like it to last, and be warty."
-%
-A headstrong young woman in Ealing
-Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
- When quizzed why she did,
- She replied, "To be rid
-Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A hearty young fellow named Yost
-Once had an affair with a ghost.
- At the height of the spasm
- The poor ectoplasm
-Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
-%
-A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
-Would say, when the fellows got hairy:
- "Keep your prick in your pants
- Till the end of this dance--"
-Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
-%
-A highly aesthetic young Jew
-Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
- The end of his dillie
- Was shaped like a lilly,
-And his balls were too utterly two!
-%
-A highway patrol buff named Claire,
-Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
- And her parts grew so hot,
- There was steam on her twat,
-So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
-%
-A horny young fellow named Reg,
-Was jerking off under a hedge.
- The gardener drew near
- With a huge pruning shear,
-And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
-%
-A huge-organed female in Dallas,
-Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
- Was virgo intacto,
- Because, ipso facto,
-No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
-%
-A joker who haunts Monticello
-Is really a terrible fellow.
- In the midst of caresses
- He fills ladies dresses
-With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
-%
-A lacklustre lady of Brougham
-Weaveth all night at her loom.
- Anon she doth blench
- When her lord and his wench
-Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
-%
-A lad, at his first copulation,
-Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
- Gyration, elation
- Throughout the duration,
-I guess I'll give up masturbation."
-%
-A lad from far-off Transvaal
-Was lustful, but tactful withal.
- He'd say, just for luck,
- "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
-But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
-%
-A lad of the brainier kind
-Had erogenous zones in his mind.
- He got his sensations,
- By solving equations,
-(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
-%
-A lady born under a curse
-Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
- From the back she would wail
- Through a thickness of veil:
-"Things do not get better, but worse."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady both callous and brash
-Met a man with a vast black moustache;
- She cried, "Shave it, O do!
- And I'll put it with glue
-On my hat as a sort of panache."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady from Kalamazoo
-Once found she had nothing to do,
- So she sat on the stairs
- And she counted her hairs:
-4,302.
-%
-A lady from Old Little Rock
-In fidelity took little stock,
- And deserted her man
- In the streets of Japan
-For a boy with a prehensile cock.
-%
-A lady removing her scanties,
-Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
- Said her beau, "Have no fear,
- For the reason is clear:
-You simply have amps in your panties.
-%
-A lady stockholder quite hetera
-Decided her fortune to bettera:
- On the floor, quite unclad,
- She successively had
-Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
-%
-A lady was seized with intent
-To revise her existence misspent.
- So she climbed up the dome
- Of St. Peter's in Rome,
-Where she stayed through the following Lent.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady, while dining in Crewe,
-Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
- Said the waiter, "Don't shout
- Or wave it about
-Or the others will ask for one, too."
-%
-A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
-Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
- "I don't mind my shins
- Being stuck full of pins,
-But I fear I am coming unsexed."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A lady with features cherubic
-Was famed for her area pubic.
- When they asked her its size
- She replied in surprise,
-"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
-%
-A lass at the foot of her class
-Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
- She replied, "With no fuss
- You can get a B-plus,
-By letting the prof pat your ass."
-%
-A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
-After fucking his favorite female,
- Mixed Drambuie and scotch
- With the cream in her crotch
-For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
-%
-A licentious old justice of Salem
-Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
- But instead of a fine
- He would stand them in line,
-With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
-%
-A linguist thought it a farce
-That memory space was so sparse.
- One day they increased it.
- Said he as he seized it:
-"At last! Enough core for the parse".
-%
-A lonely young lad of Eton
-Used always to sleep with the heat on,
- Till he ran into a lass
- Who showed him her ass --
-Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
-%
-A lovely young diver named Nancy,
-Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
- The fish of Bonaire,
- Watched her Derriere,
-And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
-%
-A lovely young maid from St. Jude
-Once rode through the streets in the nude.
- The police cried, "Whatam--
- Agnificent bottom"
-And slapped it as hard as they could.
-%
-A lusty young maid from Seattle
-Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
- Till she found a bull
- Who filled her so full
-It made both her ovaries rattle.
-%
-A lusty young woodsman of Maine
-For years with no woman had lain,
- But he found sublimation
- At a high elevation
-In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
-%
-A madam who ran a bordello
-Put come in her pineapple jello,
- For the rich, sexy taste
- And not wanting to waste
-That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
-%
-A maestro directing in Rome
-Had a quaint way of driving it home.
- Whoever he climbed
- Had to keep her tail timed
-To the beat of his old metronome.
-%
-A maiden who lived in Virginny
-Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
- The horsey set rushed her,
- But success finally crushed her
-For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
-%
-A maiden who travelled in France
-Once got on a train, just by chance.
- The engineer fucked her,
- The conductor sucked her,
-And the fireman came in his pants.
-%
-A maiden who wrote of big cities
-Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
- Sold her stuff at the shop
- Of a musical wop
-Who played with her soft little titties.
-%
-A man was once heard to boast,
-That he received a parcel by post,
- It contained, so we heard,
- A magnificent turd,
-And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
-%
-A marine being sent to Hong Kong
-Got a doctor to alter his dong.
- He sailed off with a tool
- Flat and thin as a rule -
-When he got there he found he was wrong.
-%
-A mathematician named Hall
-Had a hexahedronical ball,
- And the square of its weight
- Times his pecker's, plus eight,
-Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
-%
-A mathematician named Hall
-Has a hexahedronical ball,
- And the cube of its weight
- Times his pecker's, plus eight
-Is his phone number -- give him a call...
-%
-A mathematician named Klein
-Thought the Moebius band was divine.
- Said he, "If you glue
- The edges of two,
-You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
-%
-A middle-aged codger named Bruin
-Found his love life completely in ruin,
- For he flirted with flirts
- Wearing pants and no skirts,
-And he never got in for no screwin'.
-%
-A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
-Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
- She had nowhere to turn,
- So she diddled a churn,
-And managed to come with the butter.
-%
-A mortician who practised in Fife
-Made love to the corpse of his wife.
- "How could I know, Judge?
- She was cold, did not budge--
-Just the same as she'd acted in life."
-%
-A nasty old drunk in Carmel
-Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
- He says, "Some don't favor
- That unusual flavor,
-But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
-%
-A nervous young fellow named Fred
-Took a charming young widow to bed.
- When he'd diddled a while
- She remarked with a smile,
-"You've got it all in but the head."
-%
-A new dramatist of the absurd
-Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
- I learn from my spies
- He's about to devise
-An unprintable three-letter word.
-%
-A newlywed couple from Goshen
-Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
- In twenty-eight days
- They got laid eighty ways --
-Imagine such fucking devotion!
-%
-A newly-wed man of Peru
-Found himself in a terrible stew:
- His wife was in bed
- Much deader than dead,
-And so he had no one to screw.
-%
-A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
-In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
- Reads the sign o'er the head
- Of her well-rumpled bed
-"The customer always comes first."
-%
-A novice was told by the Abbot:
-"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
- While they roll in the hay
- You just stay home and pray.
-You've got to get out of that habit."
-%
-A nudist resort at Benares
-Took a midget in all unawares.
- But he made members weep
- For he just couldn't keep
-His nose out of private affairs.
-%
-A nurse motivated by spite
-Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
- She launched it with ease
- On the afternoon breeze,
-And watched till it flew out of sight.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A passionate red-haired girl
-When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
- And her twat would get wet,
- And would wiggle and fret,
-And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
-%
-A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
-Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
- To arrest his regard
- She would squat in his yard
-And longingly pee in the sneaux.
-%
-A physical fellow named Fisk
-Could screw at a rate very brisk.
- So fast was his action
- The Fitzgerald contraction
-Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
-%
-A pious old woman named Tweak
-Had taught her vagina to speak.
- It was frequently liable
- To quote from the Bible,
-But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
-%
-A pious young lady named Finnegan
-Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
- So time it aright,
- Make it last through the night,
-For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
-%
-A pious young lady of Chichester
-Made all of the saints in their niches stir
- And each morning at matin
- Her breast in pink satin
-Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
-%
-A playful young chemist named Byrd
-Had an urge that could not be deferred.
- So to irritate Knox
- He shit in his sox,
-And plastered the walls with his turd.
-%
-A plumber whose name was John Brink
-Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
- Her resistance was stout,
- And John Brink petered out,
-With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
-%
-A pretty wife living in Tours
-Demanded her daily amour.
- But the husband said, "No!
- It's to much. Let it go!
-My backsides are dragging the floor."
-%
-A pretty young boy known as Kevin
-Was raped in a pasture by seven
- Lascivious beasts
- (Oh, those Anglican priests)
-And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
-%
-A pretty young lady named Vogel
-Once sat herself down on a molehill.
- A curious mole
- Nosed into her hole --
-Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
-%
-A pretty young maiden from France
-Decided she'd "just take a chance."
- She let herself go
- For an hour or so,
-And now all her sisters are aunts.
-%
-A princess who lived near a bog
-Met a prince in the form of a frog.
- Now she and her prince
- Are the parents of quints,
-Four boys and one fine polliwog.
-%
-A princess who reigned in Baroda
-Made her home on a purple pagoda.
- She festooned the walls
- Of her halls with the balls
-And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
-%
-A programmer down in Moline
-Said, I'm the match for any machine.
- My secret's aversion,
- To loops and recursion,
-Just acres of in-line routine.
- -- W. J. Wilson
-%
-A progressive professor named Winners
-Held classes each evening for sinners.
- They were graded and spaced
- So the vile and debased
-Would not be held back by beginners.
-%
-A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
-Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
- She cried, "I suppose
- There's no time for my clothes,
-But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
-%
-A rapturous young fellatrix
-One day was at work on five pricks.
- With an unholy cry
- She whipped out her glass eye:
-"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
-%
-A reckless young lady of France
-Had no qualms about taking a chance,
- But she thought it was crude
- To get screwed in the nude,
-So she always went home with damp pants.
-%
-A remarkable race are the Persians,
-They have such peculiar diversions.
- They screw the whole day
- In the regular way,
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
-A responsive young girl from the East
-In bed was an able artiste.
- She had learned two positions
- From family physicians,
-And ten more from the old parish priest.
-%
-A romantic attraction has clung
-To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
- "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
- That lascivious beast
-Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
-%
-A sailor who slept in the sun,
-Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
- He remarked with a smile,
- "Good grief, a sun-dial!
-And now it's a quarter-past one."
-%
-A savvy young hooker named Gail
-Got busted and lodged in the jail.
- But the jailer got hot,
- To be lodged in her twat,
-And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
-%
-A scandal involving an oyster
-Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
- She preferred it, in bed,
- To the count (so she said)
-'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
-%
-A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
-Resounded for miles upon miles.
- Said the friar, "Good gracious,
- The brother Ignatious
-Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
-%
-A seafaring hacker named Slatey
-Went to bed with a VAX/780.
- The thing's learned to swear
- With a nautical air,
-And refers to its users as "matey".
-%
-A sex-loving coed named Bree
-Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
- The joystick, she found,
- Had been fooling around
-With a neighboring student's PC.
-%
-A silly young man from Hong Kong
-Had hands that were skinny and long.
- He ate rice with his fingers--
- The taste of it lingers,
-But now all his fingers are gone.
-%
-A slick talking pirate named Bruce
-To steal code, had a plan to seduce
- An Apple II+.
- Now Bruce wears a truss
-And was jailed for computer abuse.
-%
-A software technician from Digital
-Had hardware extremely prodigical.
- It's rumoured, I hear,
- That when he was near
-He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
-%
-A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
-Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
- She started to pout,
- Because it fell out,
-But the mission was saved by re-entry.
-%
-A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
-His moment of sexual truth.
- He'd expected to fall
- On a womb's spongy wall
-But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
-%
-A spinster in Kalamazoo
-Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
- She was seized by the nape,
- And fucked by an ape,
-And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
-
-And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
-But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
- A man with a prick
- Half as stiff and as thick
-As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
-%
-A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
-Used to toss off each night while in bed.
- Said his mother, "Dear lad,
- That's exceedingly bad--
-Jump in here with your mama instead."
-%
-A starship commander named Kirk
-Emerged from his cabin berserk.
- He grabbed a girl yeoman
- Beneath the abdomen,
-And gave her a physical jerk.
-%
-A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
-Was having a captive, a person
- Who was not averse
- Though she had the curse,
-And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
-%
-A structured programmer named Drew
-Was intensely turned on by "goto".
- When he saw it in code
- He'd shoot off his load.
-It's a good thing his shop used so few.
-%
-A studious professor named Nestor
-Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
- But she drained out his balls
- And skipped up the walls,
-Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
-%
-A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
-Went down on her beau in the garden.
- He said, "Good lord, Tess,
- Don't swallow that mess!"
-And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
-%
-A systems programmer named Sprotic
-Found his software intensely erotic.
- In jealous distress
- He wiped his OS.
-It's possible that he's psychotic.
-%
-A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
-Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
- While the man detumesced
- She still spent on with zest,
-Her rapture sheer anachronism.
-%
-A team playing baseball in Dallas
-Called the umpire blind out of malice.
- While this worthy had fits
- The team made eight hits
-And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-%
-A teenage protester named Lil
-Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill
- First they bugged our martinis,
- Our bras and bikinis,
-And now they are bugging the pill."
-%
-A thrice-married gal from L.A.
-Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
- 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
- The voyeur only gawked at it,
-And my most recent man's a gourmet."
-%
-A tidy young lady of Streator
-Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
- She always would say,
- "I prefer it this way.
-I think it is very much neater."
-%
-A timid young woman named Jane
-Found parties a terrible strain;
- With movements uncertain
- She'd hide in a curtain
-And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A tired young trollop of Nome
-Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
- Eight miners came screwing,
- But she said, "Nothing doing;
-One of you has to go home!"
-%
-A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
-Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
- The result of this fuck
- Was a three titted duck,
-A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
-%
-A tutor who tooted a flute
-Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
- Said the two to the tutor:
- "Is it harder to toot or
-To tutor two tutors to toot"
-%
-A vengeful technician named Schmitz
-Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
- He covered the platter
- With bats' fecal matter.
-Now it's seek time is really the pits.
-%
-A very intelligent turtle
-Found programming UNIX a hurdle
- The system, you see,
- Ran as slow as did he,
-And that's not saying much for the turtle.
-%
-A very odd pair are the Pitts:
-His balls are as large as her tits,
- Her tits are as large
- As an invasion barge--
-Neither knows how the other cohabits.
-%
-A wanton young lady from Wimley
-Reproached for not acting quite primly
- Said, "Heavens above!
- I know sex isn't love,
-But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
-%
-A water pipe suited Miss Hunt;
-She used it for many a bunt.
- But the unlucky wench
- Got it caught in her trench ---
-It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
-To get the thing out of her cunt.
-%
-A weary old lecher named Blott
-Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
- Too lazy to rape her,
- He made darts out of paper,
-Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
-%
-A whimsical fellow named Bloch
-Could beat the base drum with his cock.
- With a special erection
- He could play a selection
-From Johann Sebastian Bach.
-%
-A wicked stone cutter named Cary
-Drilled holes in divine statuary.
- With eyes full of malice
- He pulled out his phallus,
-And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
-%
-A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
-Had a hole as big as a basket.
- A spot, as a bride,
- In it now, you could hide,
-And include with your luggage your mascot.
-%
-A widow whose singular vice
-Was to keep her late husband on ice
- Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
- I'll never defrost him!
-Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
-%
-A wonderful bird is the pelican.
-His mouth can hold more than his belican.
- He can take in his beak
- Enough food for a week.
-I'm darned if I know how the helican.
-%
-A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
-Renowned for the length of their peenies.
- The hair on their balls
- Sweeps the floors of their halls,
-But they don't look at women, the meanies.
-%
-A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
-Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
- But when everything's cleared,
- He gives way to the weird,
-As he lovingly busses each table.
-%
-A worn-out young husband named Lehr
-Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
- "Slip on a sheath, quick,
- Then slip your big dick
-Between these lips covered with hair."
-%
-A worried young man from Stamboul
-Discovered red spots on his tool.
- Said the doctor, a cynic,
- "Get out of my clinic
-Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
-%
-A young bride and groom of Australia
-Remarked as they joined genitalia:
- "Though the system seems odd,
- We are thankful that God
-Developed the genus Mammalia."
-%
-A young fellow discovered through Freud
-That although of penis devoid,
- He could practice coitus
- By eating a foetus,
-And his parents were quite overjoyed.
-%
-A young Juliet of St. Louis
-On a balcony stood acting screwy.
- Her Romeo climbed,
- But he wasn't well timed,
-And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
-%
-A young lad named Lester McGraw
-Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
- As he watched him stick her
- He said, with a snicker,
-"You do it much faster than Paw."
-%
-A young lady sat by the sea,
-Just as proper as proper could be.
- A young fellow goosed her,
- And roughly seduced her,
-So she thanked him and went home to tea.
-%
-A young lady who lived by the Usk
-Subsisted each day on a rusk;
- She ate the first bite
- Before it was light,
-And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young lass got married at Chester;
-Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
- Said she, "You're in luck --
- 'E's a stunning good fuck,
-For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
-%
-A young maiden from France was no prude,
-She decided to dive in the nude,
- But her buddy, behind,
- Went out of his mind,
-When he noticed where she was tattooed.
-%
-A young man by a girl was desired
-To give her the thrills she required,
- But he died of old age
- Ere his cock could assuage
-The volcanic desire it inspired.
-%
-A young man from the banks of the Po
-Found his cock had elongated so,
- That when he'd pee
- It was never he
-But only his neighbors who'd know.
-%
-A young man grew increasingly peaky
-In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
- The ferns curled up brown,
- The ceilings flaked down,
-And all of the faucets were leaky.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young man maintained that his trigger
-Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
- But this long and thick pud
- Was so heavy it could
-Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
-%
-A young man of acumen and daring,
-Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
- Was left quite alone
- When it soon became known
-That their use at his board was unsparing.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
-While bent over plucking a dingle
- Had the whole of Eisteddfod
- Taking turns at his pod
-While they sang some impossible jingle.
-%
-A young man with passions quite gingery
-Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
- He slapped her behind
- And made up his mind
-To add incest to insult and injury.
-%
-A young polo-player of Berkeley
-Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
- In the midst of each chukker
- He would break off and fuck her
-Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
-%
-A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
-Preferred frigging to going to mass.
- Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
- Or any young cock,
-For I cannot live up to your ass."
-%
-A young woman got married at Chester,
-Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
- Says she, "You're in luck,
- He's a stunning good fuck,
-For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
-%
-According to experts, the oyster
-In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
- May frequently be
- Either he or a she
-Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
-%
-Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
-Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
- Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
- When he parted her thighs;
-"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
-%
-All the female apes ran from King Kong
-For his dong was unspeakably long.
- But a friendly giraffe
- Quaffed his yard and a half,
-And ecstatically burst into song.
-%
-An aesthete from South Carolina
-Had a cock that tickled like China,
- But while shooting his load
- It cracked like old Spode,
-So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
-%
-An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
-Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
- She will use her bare fist
- If the fellows insist
-But she really prefers to wear gloves.
-%
-An AI researcher named Bluth
-Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
- Eroticon VI,
- Which he taught certain tricks
-Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
-%
-An amazon giantess named Dunne
-Let a midget screw her for fun.
- But the poor little runt
- Was engulfed in her cunt
-And re-born as the twin of his son.
-%
-An ambitious lady named Harriet
-Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
- By seventeen sailors
- A monk and three tailors,
-Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
-%
-An anonymous woman we knew
-Was dozing one day in her pew;
- When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
- She said, "Count me in
-As soon as the service is through."
-%
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
- Display for selection
- Three kinds of erection-
-Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
-%
-An ardent young man named Magruder
-Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
- She thought it quite lewd
- To be wooed in the nude,
-But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
-%
-An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
-Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
- Women are fine
- And sheep are divine
-But llamas are numero uno."
-%
-An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
-Had a fetish involving the net.
- As he fondled his IMP
- His cock went from limp
-To as hard as concrete which has set.
-%
-An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
-Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
- She was finally the prize
- Of a man twice her size
-And all she recalls is the ache.
-%
-An artist who lived in Australia
-Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
- The drawing was fine,
- The colour - divine,
-The scent - ah, that was a failia.
-%
-An eager young hacker named Gus
-Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
- The hardware went bad,
- But not the young lad
-(Except for the toupee and truss).
-%
-An earnest young woman in Thrace
-Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
- So he gave her a thwack,
- And did on her back,
-What he couldn't have done face to face.
-%
-An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
-Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
- Used on Saturday nights
- To turn down the lights,
-And chase them around with a bludgeon.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An envious girl named McMeanus
-Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
- It was small consolation
- That the rest of the nation
-Of women were with her in weeness.
-%
-An exotic young lady named Suki
-Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
- When asked for a fuck
- She said, "Solly, no luck--
-See here: looky looky, no nuki "
-%
-An impish young fellow named James
-Had a passion for idiot games.
- He lighted the hair
- Of his lady's affair
-And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
-%
-An impotent Scot named MacDougall
-Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
- He was gathering semen
- To gender a he-man,
-By screwing his wife through a bugle.
-%
-An incautious young woman named Venn
-Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
- She vanished one day,
- But the following May
-Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An indefatigable woman named Bavel
-Had often occasion to travel;
- On the way she would sit
- And furiously knit,
-And on the way back she'd unravel.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An ingenious young man in South Bend
-Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
- But the friend shortly found
- Its construction unsound,
-It was simply a bother -- no end.
-%
-An innocent maiden named Herridge
-Was cruelly tricked into marriage;
- When she later found out
- What her spouse was about,
-She threw herself under a carriage.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An inquisitive virgin named Dora
-Asked the man who started to bore 'er:
- "Do you mean birds and bees
- Go through antics like these,
-To supply us our fauna and flora?"
-%
-An irate young lady named Booker
-Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
- If you want it queer ways,
- Go to whores for your lays!"
-So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
-%
-An octagenerian Jew
-To his wife remained steadfastly true.
- This was not from compunction,
- But due to dysfunction
-Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
-%
-An old couple just at Shrovetide
-Were having a piece -- when he died.
- The wife for a week
- Sat tight on his peak,
-And bounced up and down as she cried.
-%
-An old electronic designer
-Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
- He couldn't carry them out
- For his prick was too stout,
-And too small was the minor's vagina.
-%
-An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
-Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
- But he was not removed
- Till one day it was proved
-That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-An old maid who had a pet ape
-Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
- His red, hairy phallus
- So filled her with malice
-That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
-%
-An old man at the Folies Bergere
-Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
- It snipped off a twat-curl
- From each new chorus girl,
-And he had a wig made of the hair.
-%
-An organist playing in York
-Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
- And between obbligatos
- He'd munch at tomatoes,
-To keep up his strength while at work.
-%
-An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
-Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
- Her climatic fame spread
- With an ad blitz that said:
-Coming soon at a theater near you!
-%
-An uptight young lady named Breerley
-Who valued her morals too dearly
- Had sex, so I hear,
- Only once every year,
-And she strained her vagina severely.
-%
-And then there's the story that's fraught
-With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
- When a chap took a crap
- In the woods, and a trap
-Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
-%
-As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
-Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
- Since he thinks it's effete
- To be beating his meat,
-What he's into is licking his chops.
-%
-As he came in his chubby choirboy,
-Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
- If no sodomy levens
- And possible heavens,
-Existence will merely annoy."
-%
-As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
-Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
- I could not bear the loss,
- For with scarlet silk floss
-My mama has embroidered their clocks."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-As tourists inspected the apse
-An ominous series of raps
- Came from under the altar,
- Which caused some to falter
-And others to shriek and collapse.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
-"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
- I screw a young nun
- In the eastertide sun?"
-His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
-%
-At a contest for farting in Butte
-One lady's exertion was cute:
- It won the diploma
- For fetid aroma,
-And three judges were felled by the brute.
-%
-At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
-Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
- Letting all comers press
- Through the skirt of her dress
-And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
-%
-At the end of all civilization
-Is the planet Terminus's location.
- There's a girl there whose feat,
- Without stone or concrete,
-Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
-%
-At the moment Japan declared war
-A sailor was fucking a whore.
- He said, "After this poke
- `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
-This means months 'til I get back ashore."
-%
-At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
-Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
- It beats all night long
- A dirge on a gong
-As it staggers about in the creepers.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
-Though of love we are never penurious.
- Thanks to vulcanized aids,
- Though we may die old maids,
-At least we shall never die curious.
-%
-At whist drives and strawberry teas
-Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
- But when she was alone
- She'd drink eau de cologne,
-And weep from a sense of unease.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Augustus, for splashing his soup,
-Was put for the night on the stoop;
- In the morning he'd not
- Repented a jot,
-And next day he was dead of the croup.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Back in the days of old Adam
-The grass served as mattress for madam,
- And they spent the whole day
- On the sex that today
-They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
-%
-Each Friday his engines abort,
-But Scotty is never caught short.
- He fills his machines
- With space-navy beans,
-And farts the ship back into port.
-%
-Each night Father fills me with dread
-When he sits on the foot of my bed;
- I'd not mind that he speaks
- In gibbers and squeaks,
-But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
-Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
- Said the rector, "My gracious,
- Has Father Ignatius
-Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
-%
-From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
-There is really abominable news;
- They've discovered a head
- In the box for the bread,
-But nobody seems to know whose.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-From the bathing machine came a din
-As of jollification within;
- It was heard far and wide,
- And the incoming tide
-Had a definite flavour of gin.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
-Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
- "Since dating Miss Baugh,
- My whole tongue has been raw--
-It must have been something I ate."
-%
-In the case of a lady named Frost,
-Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
- It's the best part of valor
- To bugger the gal, or
-You're apt to fall in and get lost.
-%
-In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
-Complacently stroking his madam,
- And loud was his mirth
- For on all of the earth
-There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
-%
-It always delights me at Hank's
-To walk up the old river banks.
- One time in the grass
- I stepped on an ass,
-And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
-%
-It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
-Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
- They sat in her Bentley,
- She fondled him gently,
-And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
-%
-The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
-No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
- Where ten thousand virgins
- Succumbed to his urgin's
-There now stands the great State of Utah.
-%
-The latest reports from Good Hope
-State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
- And fuck high, wide, and free,
- From the top of one tree
-To the top of the next -- what a scope!
-%
-The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
-Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
- Once Congress in session,
- Declared its suppression,
-But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
-%
-The limerick is furtive and mean;
-You must keep her in close quarantine,
- Or she sneaks to the slums
- And promptly becomes
-Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
- -- Morris Bishop
-%
-The old archeologist, Throstle,
-Discovered a marvelous fossil.
- He knew from its bend
- And the knot on the end,
-T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-There once was a bishop from Birmingham
-Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
- As they knelt on the hassock
- He lifted his cassock
-And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
-%
-There once was a boy named Carruthers
-Who was busily fucking his mother
- "I know it's a sin,"
- He said, shoving it in,
-"But it's better than blowing my brother."
-%
-There once was a chick named Longet,
-Who went out to Aspen to play.
- Along came a Spyder,
- Who sat down beside her
-And she blew the poor bastard away.
-%
-There once was a clergyman's daughter
-Who detested the pony he bought her,
- Till she found that its dong
- Was as hard and as long
-As the prayers her father had taught her.
-
-She married a fellow named Tony
-Who soon found her fucking the pony.
- Said he, "What's it got,
- My dear, that I've not?"
-Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
-%
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
- Because in their haste
- They used library paste,
-Instead of petroleum jelly.
-%
-There once was a dentist named Stone
-Who saw all his patients alone.
- In a fit of depravity
- He filled the wrong cavity,
-And my, how his practice has grown!
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Beever
-Who slept with her golden retriever.
- Said the potted old Duke:
- "Such tricks make me puke!
-Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
-%
-There once was a Duchess of Bruges
-Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
- Said the king to this dame
- As he thunderously came:
-"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
-%
-There once was a fag of Khartoum
-Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room.
- They argued all night,
- Over who had the right,
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
-There once was a fairy named Avers
-Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
- Though buggers all claimed
- That their asses were maimed,
-Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Bob
-Who in sexual ways was a snob.
- One day he was swimmin'
- With twelve naked women
-And deserted them all for a gob.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Brewster
-Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
- "It used to be grand
- But look at my hand
-You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
-%
-There once was a fellow named Howard,
-Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
- While grabbing some ass,
- He reached critical mass,
-But think of the girl he deflowered!
-%
-There once was a fellow named Potts
-Who was prone to having the trots
- But his humble abode
- Was without a commode
-So his carpet was covered with spots.
-%
-There once was a fellow named Siegel
-Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
- But the mettlesome bitch
- Turned and said with a twitch,
-"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
-%
-There once was a fencer named Fisk,
-Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
- So fast was his action,
- The Fitzgerald contraction,
-Foreshortened his foil to a disk.
-%
-There once was a fiesty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
- He'd yip and he'd yap,
- Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a floozie named Annie
-Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
- A buck for a fuck,
- Fifty cents for a suck,
-And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
-%
-There once was a freshman named Lin,
-Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
- A virgin named Joan
- From a bible belt home,
-Said "This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There once was a gangster named Brown
-- the sneakiest bastard in town.
- He was caught by G-men
- Shooting his semen
-Where the cops would slip and fall down.
-%
-There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
-Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
- Sheep are just fine,
- Chickens, divine,
-But iguanas are Numero Uno."
-%
-There once was a gay young Parisian
-Who screwed an appendix incision,
- And the girl of his choice
- Could hardly rejoice
-At the horrible lack of precision.
-%
-There once was a girl from Cornell
-Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
- When you touched them they shrunk,
- Except when she was drunk,
-And then they got bigger than hell.
-%
-There once was a girl from Decatur,
-Who got laid by a big alligator.
- Now nobody knew
- The result of that screw,
-'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
-%
-There once was a girl from Madras
-Who had such a beautiful ass -
- It was not round and pink
- (As you bastards think)
-But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
-%
-There once was a girl from Spokane,
-Went to bed with a one-legged man.
- She said, "I know you--
- You've really got two!
-Why didn't you say so when we began?"
-%
-There once was a girl named Irene
-Who lived on distilled kerosene
- But she started absorbin'
- A new hydrocarbon
-And since then has never benzene.
-%
-There once was a girl named Louise
-Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
- The crabs in her twat
- Tied the hairs in a knot
-And constructed a flying trapeze
-%
-There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
-Who was diddled amazingly often.
- She was rogered by scores
- Who'd been turned down by whores,
-And was finally screwed in her coffin.
-%
-There once was a girl named Priscilla
-Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
- The taste was so fine
- Man and beast stood in line
-(Including a stud armadilla).
-%
-There once was a girl so lovely,
-Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
- She strapped on her tanks,
- And started her pranks,
-But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
-%
-There once was a golfer named Leer,
-Who got put in the clink for a year,
- For an action obscene,
- On the very first green.
-Where the sign said "Enter course here."
-%
-There once was a gouty old colonel
-Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
- And he cried in his tiffin
- For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
-And the size of the thing was infernal.
-%
-There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
-Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
- But when I meet boys,
- God! how I enjoys
-Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
-%
-There once was a hacker named Ken
-Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
- So he built him some chicks,
- Of silicon chips,
-And hasn't been heard from since then.
-%
-There once was a handsome young seaman
-Who with ladies was really a demon.
- In peace or in war,
- At sea or on shore,
-He could certainly dish out the semen.
-%
-There once was a horny old bitch
-With a motorized self-frigger which
- She would use with delight
- All day long and all night -
-Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
-%
-There once was a horse named Lily
-Whose dingus was really a dilly.
- It was vaginoid duply,
- And labial quadruply --
-In fact, he was really a filly.
-%
-There once was a husky young Viking
-Whose sexual prowess was striking.
- Every time he got hot
- He would scour the twat
-Of some girl that might be to his liking.
-%
-There once was a jolly old bloke
-Who picked up a girl for a poke.
- He took down her pants,
- Fucked her into a trance,
-And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
-%
-There once was a kiddie named Carr
-Caught a man on top of his mar.
- As he saw him stick 'er,
- He said with a snicker,
-"You do it much faster than par."
-%
-There once was a lady from Kansas
-Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
- It was nine inches deep
- And the sides were quite steep --
-It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
-%
-There once was a lady named Carter,
-Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
- She stripped off his pants,
- At his prick quickly glanced,
-And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
-%
-There once was a lady named Clair,
-Who possessed a magnificent pair.
- Or that's what I thought,
- Till I saw one get caught,
-On a thorn and begin losing air.
-%
-There once was a lady named Myrtle
-Who had an affair with a turtle.
- She had crabs, so they say,
- In a year and a day
-Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
-%
-There once was a lawyer named Rex
-With minuscule organs of sex.
- Arraigned for exposure,
- He maintained with composure,
-"De minimis non curat lex."
-
- [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
-%
-There once was a lifeguard named Lee
-Who rescued a girl from the sea
- She asked how to pay,
- And he said "Try this way,
-Go down for the third time on me."
-%
-There once was a maid from Mobile
-Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
- She only got thrills
- From pneumatic drills
-And an off-centered emery wheel.
-%
-There once was a man from Bombay
-He would do it all night and all day
- He soon became sore
- You shoulda' heard him roar
-When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
-%
-There once was a man from Calcutta
-Who used to beat off in the gutta
- The heat of the sun
- Affected his gun
-And turned all his cream into butta!
-%
-There once was a man from Dunoon,
-Who always ate soup with a fork.
- He said "When I eat
- Either fish, foul or flesh,
-I otherwise finish too quick."
-%
-There once was a man from Nantucket
-Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
- His daughter, named Nan,
- Ran away with a man,
-And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
-
-The pair of them went to Manhasset,
-(Nan and the man with the asset.)
- Pa followed them there,
- But they left in a tear,
-And as for the asset, Manhasset.
-
-Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
-(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
- Pa said to the man,
- "You're welcome to Nan."
-But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
-%
-There once was a man from Racine,
-Who invented a screwing machine.
- Both concave and convex,
- It could please either sex,
-But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
-%
-There once was a man from Sandem
-Who was making his girl on a tandem.
- At the peak of the make
- She jammed on the brake
-And scattered his semen at random.
-%
-There once was a man from Sydney
-Who could put it up to her kidney.
- But the man from Quebec
- Put it up to her neck;
-He had a big one, now didn't he?
-%
-There once was a man named McGruder,
-Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
- But the girl thought it crude,
- To be wooed in the nude,
-So McGru took an oar and subduder.
-%
-There once was a man named McSweeny
-Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney.
- So just to be couth,
- He added vermouth,
-And slipped his best girl a martini.
-%
-There once was a man named Parridge
-With peculiar views on marriage.
- He sucked off his brother,
- Fucked his own mother,
-And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
-%
-There once was a man with a hernia
-Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
- When you work on my middle
- Be sure you don't fiddle
-With things that do not concern ya."
-%
-There once was a member of Mensa
-Who was a most excellent fencer.
- The sword that he used
- Was his -- (line is refused,
-And has now been removed by the censor).
-%
-There once was a miner named Dave,
-Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
- She was ugly as shit,
- And missing one tit,
-But think of the money he saves.
-%
-There once was a monk of Camyre
-Who was seized with a carnal desire
- And the primary cause
- Was the abbess's drawers
-Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
-%
-There once was a newspaper vendor,
-A person of dubious gender.
- He would charge one-and-two
- For permission to view
-His remarkable double pudenda.
-%
-There once was a plumber from Leigh
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
- Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
- I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
-%
-There once was a pretty young Mrs.
-Whose tearful but short story thrs.
- Her mind lost its grasp -
- Now she thinks she's an asp
-And just sits in the corner and hrs.
-%
-There once was a queen of Bulgaria
-Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
- Till a prince from Peru
- Who came up for a screw
-Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-%
-There once was a reverend at Kings
-Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
- But his heart was on fire
- For a boy in the choir
-Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
-%
-There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
-Who said, "They can all go to hell!
- What they do to my wife --
- Why it ruins my life;
-And the worst is they all do it well."
-%
-There once was a sailor named Gasted,
-A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
- He could jerk himself off
- In a basket, aloft,
-Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
-%
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
- But it wasn't the size
- That caused such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
-Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
- Yet the girls he would dazzle,
- And fuck to a frazzle,
-And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
-%
-There once was a spaceman named Spock
-Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
- A girl from Missouri
- Whose name was Uhura
-Just fainted away from the shock.
-%
-There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
-Discovered his sex life was hapless:
- The more he would screw
- The more he'd want to,
-And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
-%
-There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
-Whose gender was kept in the dark.
- He/she/it said with a nod,
- "My ancestors were odd!"
-Did Noah need two for the ark?
-%
-There once was a whore from Regina
-Who had a stupendous vagina.
- To save herself time,
- She had six at a time,
-And another one working behind her.
-%
-There once was a woman from Arden
-Who sucked off a man in a garden.
- He said, "My dear Flo,
- Where does all that stuff go?"
-And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
-%
-There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
-Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
- But he lurked in the ditches
- And diddled the bitches
-Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
-%
-There once was a young girl from Natches
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches
- She often said, "Shit!
- I'd give either tit
-For a guy with equipment that matches."
-%
-There once was a young man from Boston
-Who drove around town in an Austin,
- There was room for his ass,
- And a gallon of gas,
-So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
-%
-There once was a young man from France
-Who waited ten years for his chance;
-Then he muffed it...
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma
-Who attempted sex with a puma
- He gave up real quick
- Minus nose, toes, and prick
-In obvious pain and ill huma.
-%
-There once was a young man from Yuma,
-Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
- Now his dry bleached bones lie,
- Under hot Asian skies,
-'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
-%
-There once was a young man named Clyde
-Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
- He had a twin brother
- Who fell in another
-And now they're interred side by side.
-%
-There once was a young man named Lancelot
-Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
- For when he should pass
- A desirable lass
-The front of his pants would advance a lot.
-%
-There once was an Arpanet freak,
-Who better response-time did seek.
- He searched coast to coast,
- For a reliable host,
-Whose logger took less than a week.
-%
-There once was an old man from Esser,
-Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
- It at last grew so small,
- He knew nothing at all,
-And now he's a College Professor.
-%
-There once were two brothers named Luntz
-Who buggered each other at once.
- When asked to account
- For this intricate mount,
-They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
-%
-There was a bluestocking in Florence
-Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
- Till a Spanish grandee,
- Got her off with his knee,
-And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-%
-There was a family named Doe,
-An ideal family to know.
- As father screwed mother,
- She said, "You're heavier than brother."
-And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
-%
-There was a fat lady of China
-Who'd a really enormous vagina,
- And when she was dead
- They painted it red,
-And used it for docking a liner.
-%
-There was a fat man from Rangoon
-Whose prick was much like a balloon.
- He tried hard to ride her
- And when finally inside her
-She thought she was pregnant too soon.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
- That in spite of high station,
- Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a "k."
-%
-There was a gay dog from Ontario
-Who fancied himself a Lothario.
- At a wench's glance
- He'd snatch off his pants
-And make for her Mons Venerio.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Norton
-Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
- To make up for this loss,
- He had balls like a horse,
-And never spent less than a quartern.
-%
-There was a gay parson of Tooting
-Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
- Till he married a lass
- With a face like my arse,
-And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
-%
-There was a lewd fellow named Duff
-Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
- With his head in a whirl
- He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
-I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
-%
-There was a man from Mich.
-Who used to wish and wich.
- That spring would come
- So he could bum
-Around and go out fich.
-%
-There was a pianist named Liszt
-Who played with one hand while he pissed,
- But as he grew older
- His technique grew bolder,
-And in concert jacked off with his fist.
-%
-There was a poor parson from Goring,
-Who made a small hole in his flooring,
- Fur-lined it all round,
- Then laid on the ground,
-And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
-%
-There was a strong man of Drumrig
-Who one day did seven times frig.
- He buggered three sailors,
- Four dogs and two tailors,
-And ended by fucking a pig.
-%
-There was a teenager named Donna
-Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
- Two days out of three
- She would shoot LSD,
-And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
-%
-There was a young belle of old Natchez
-Whose garments were always in patchez.
- When comment arose
- On the state of her clothes
-She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
-%
-There was a young blade from South Greece
-Whose bush did so greatly increase
- That before he could shack
- He must hunt needle in stack.
-'Twas as bad as being obese.
-%
-There was a young bride, a Canuck,
-Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
- You say that I, maybe,
- Can have my first baby--
-Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
-%
-There was a young bride of Antigua
-Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
- Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
- Why, you've only felt my twot,
-My legs and my arse and my figua!"
-%
-There was a young chap in Arabia
-Who courted a widow named Fabia.
- "Yes, my tongue is as long
- As the average man's dong,"
-He said, licking the lips of her labia.
-%
-There was a young cook with the art
-Of making a delicious tart
- With a handful of shit,
- Some snot and some spit,
-And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
-%
-There was a young curate whose brain
-Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
- He lured a small child
- To a copse dark and wild,
-Where he beat it to death with his cane.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young damsel named Baker
-Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
- He yelled, "My God! what
- Do you call this -- a twat?
-Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
-%
-There was a young dolly named Molly
-Who thought that to frig was a folly.
- Said she, "Your pee-pee
- Means nothing to me,
-But I'll do it just to be jolly."
-%
-There was a young fellow from Cal.,
-In bed with a passionate gal.
- He leapt from the bed,
- To the toilet he sped;
-Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
-%
-There was a young fellow from Florida
-Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
- When they got into bed
- He cried, "God strike me dead!
-This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
-%
-There was a young fellow from Leeds
-Who swallowed a package of seeds.
- Great tufts of grass
- Sprouted out of his ass
-And his balls were all covered with weeds.
-%
-There was a young fellow from Parma
-Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
- Said the damsel demure,
- "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
-But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
-%
-There was a young fellow name Tucker
-Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
- Said, "Don't bow out your lips
- Like an elephant's hips,
-The boys like it best when they pucker."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Ades
-Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
- But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
- And the knot holes in doors
-Were by no means exempt from his raids.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Babbitt
-Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
- But a girl from Johore
- Could do it twice more,
-Which was just enough extra to crab it.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bill,
-Who took an atomic pill,
- His navel corroded,
- His asshole exploded,
-And they found his nuts in Brazil.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Blaine,
-And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
- She was ugly and smelly
- With an awful pot-belly,
-But... well, they were caught in the rain.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bliss
-Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
- For even with Venus
- His recalcitrant penis
-Would never do better than t
- h
- i
- s
- .
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bowen
-Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
- It grew so tremendous,
- So long and so pendulous,
-'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Brewer
-Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
- Thus he, the poor soul,
- Could get into her hole,
-And still not be able to screw her!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Case
-Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
- He licked his way clean
- Through Number thirteen,
-But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Charteris
-Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
- Said she, "I don't mind,
- And higher up you'll find
-The place where my fucker and farter is."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Cribbs
-Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
- They were inches apart,
- And to suck it took art,
-While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
-%
-There was a young fellow named dick
-Who had a magnificent prick.
- It was shaped like a prism
- And shot so much gism
-It made every cocksucker sick.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Feeney
-Whose girl was a terrible meany.
- The hatch of her snatch
- Had a catch that would latch
-- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
-Was reputed an infamous lecher.
- When he'd take on a whore
- She'd need a rebore,
-And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Fyfe
-Whose marriage was ruined for life,
- For he had an aversion
- To every perversion,
-And only liked fucking his wife.
-
-Well, one year the poor woman struck,
-And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
- And said, "Where have you gotten us
- With your goddamn monotonous
-Fuck after fuck after fuck?
-
-"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
-And a versatile girl she was, too.
- After ten years of whoredom
- She perished of boredom
-When she married a jackass like you!"
-%
-There was a young fellow named Gene
-Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
- He next picked his toes,
- And lastly his nose,
-And he never did wash in between.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Gluck
-Who found himself shit out of luck.
- Though he petted and wooed,
- When he tried to get screwed
-He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Goody
-Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
- If he found himself nude
- With a gal in the mood
-The question's not woody but could he?
-%
-There was a young fellow named Grant
-Who was made like the sensitive plant.
- When they asked "Do you fuck?"
- He replied, "No such luck.
-I would if I could, but I can't."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Grimes
-Who fucked his girl seventeen times
- In the course of a week --
- And this isn't to speak
-Of assorted venereal crimes.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Harry,
-Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
- He grabbed him a virgin,
- Who, without any urgin',
-Immediately spread like a fairy.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Hatch
-Who was fond of the music of Bach.
- He said: "It's not fussy
- Like Brahms and Debussy;
-Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
-%
-There was a young fellow named Kimble
-Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
- But fragile and slender,
- And dainty and tender,
-So he kept it encased in a thimble.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Meek
-Who invented a lingual technique.
- It drove women frantic,
- And made them romantic,
-And wore all the hair off his cheek.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Morgan
-Who possessed an unusual organ:
- The end of his dong,
- Which was nine inches long,
-Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Paul
-Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
- But the size of my prick
- Is God's dirtiest trick,
-For my girls always ask, `Is that all?'"
-%
-There was a young fellow named Pell
-Who didn't like cunt very well.
- He would finger or fuck one,
- But never would suck one--
-He just couldn't get used to the smell.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Price
-Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
- He had virgins and boys
- And mechanical toys,
-And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Prynne
-Whose prick was so short and so thin,
- His wife found she needed
- A Fuckoscope -- she did --
-To see if he'd gotten it in.
-%
-There was a young fellow named Skinner
-Who took a young lady to dinner
- At a quarter to nine,
- They sat down to dine,
-At twenty to ten it was in her.
-The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
-
-There was a young fellow named Tupper
-Who took a young lady to supper.
- At a quarter to nine,
- They sat down to dine,
-And at twenty to ten it was up her.
-Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
-%
-There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
-Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
- The hatch of her snatch,
- Had a catch that would latch,
-She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Burma
-Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
- But now that he's married he's
- Been using cantharides
-And the root of their love is much firmer.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Greenwich
-Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
- He had such a tool
- It was wound on a spool,
-And he reeled it out inich by inich.
-
-But this tale has an unhappy finich,
-For due to the sand in the spinach
- His ballocks grew rough
- And wrecked his wife's muff,
-And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Harrow
-Whose john was the size of a marrow.
- He said to his tart,
- "How's this for a start?
-My balls are outside in a barrow."
-%
-There was a young fellow of Kent
-Whose prick was so long that it bent,
- So to save himself trouble
- He put it in double,
-And instead of coming he went.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Mayence
-Who fucked his own arse in defiance
- Not only of custom
- And morals, dad-bust him,
-But of most of the known laws of science.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Perth
-Whose balls were the finest on earth.
- They grew to such size
- That one won a prize,
-And goodness knows what they were worth.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Strensall
-Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
- On the night of his wedding
- It went through the bedding,
-And shattered the chamber utensil.
-%
-There was a young fellow of Warwick
-Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
- For he could by election
- Have triune erection:
-Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
-%
-There was a young fellow whose dong
-Was prodigiously massive and long.
- On each side of his whang
- Two testes did hang
-That attracted a curious throng.
-%
-There was a young German named Ringer
-Who was screwing an opera singer.
- Said he with a grin,
- "Well, I've sure got it in!"
-Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
-%
-There was a young girl from Annista
-Who dated a lecherous mister.
- He fondled her titty,
- Got one finger shitty,
-Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
-%
-There was a young girl from Decatur
-Who was raped by an alligator.
- But no one quite knew
- How she relished that screw,
-For after he screwed her, he ate her.
-%
-There was a young girl from Dundee,
-From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
- No one ate the nice fruit,
- To tell you the truth,
-Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Who said, "You are utterly wrong
- To say my vagina
- Is the largest in China
-Just because of your mean little dong."
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Whose cervical cap was a gong.
- She said with a yell,
- As a shot rang her bell,
-"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
-%
-There was a young girl from Medina
-Who could completely control her vagina.
- She could twist it around
- Like the cunts that are found
-In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
-%
-There was a young girl from New York
-Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
- A woodpecker or two
- Made the grade it is true,
-But it totally baffled the stork.
-
-Till along came a man who presented
-A tool that was strangely indented.
- With a dizzying twirl
- He punctured that girl,
-And thus was the cork-screw invented.
-%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who had nothing whatever to do.
- So she sat on the stairs,
- And counted cunt hairs,
-Four thousand, three hundred and two.
-%
-There was a young girl from Peru,
-Who noticed her lovers were few;
- So she walked out her door
- With a fig leaf, no more,
-And now she's in bed - with the flu.
-%
-There was a young girl from Samoa
-Who pledged that no man would know her.
- One young fellow tried,
- But she wriggled aside,
-And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
-%
-There was a young girl from Seattle,
-Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
- But a bull from the South
- Shot a wad in her mouth
-That made both her ovaries rattle.
-%
-There was a young girl from Siam
-Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
- "To seduce me, of course,
- You'll have to use force,
-And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
-%
-There was a young girl from St. Cyr
-Whose reflex reactions were queer.
- Her escort said, "Mable,
- Get up off the table;
-That money's to pay for the beer."
-%
-There was a young girl from St. Paul
-Who went to a newspaper ball.
- Her dress caught on fire
- And burnt her entire
-Front page and sport section and all.
-%
-There was a young girl from the Bronix
-Who had a vagina of onyx.
- She had so much `tsoris'
- With her clitoris,
-She traded it in for a Packard.
-%
-There was a young girl from the coast
-Who, just when she needed it most,
- Lost her Kotex and bled
- All over the bed,
-And the head and the beard of her host.
-%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who eked out a living through sin.
- She didn't mind fucking,
- But much preferred sucking,
-And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
-%
-There was a young girl in Berlin
-Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
- Though he diddled his best,
- And fucked her with zest,
-She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
-%
-There was a young girl in Dakota
-Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
- "In addition to gas
- We are rationing ass,
-And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
-%
-There was a young girl name McKnight
-Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
- She came to in bed,
- With a split maidenhead--
-That's the last time she ever was tight.
-%
-There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
-Who swore that no man could surprise her.
- But Pabst took a chance,
- Found a Schlitz in her pants,
-And now she is sadder Budweiser.
-%
-There was a young girl named Heather
-Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
- She made a queer noise,
- Which attracted the boys,
-By flapping the edges together.
-%
-There was a young girl named McCall
-Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
- But the size of her anus
- Was something quite heinous --
-It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
-%
-There was a young girl named O'Clare
-Whose body was covered with hair.
- It was really quite fun
- To probe with one's gun,
-For her quimmy might be anywhere.
-%
-There was a young girl named O'Malley
-Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
- She got roars of applause
- When she kicked off her drawers,
-But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
-%
-There was a young girl named Sapphire
-Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
- She said, "It's a sin,
- But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
- She tickled the balls
- Of the men in the halls,
-And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
-%
-There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
-Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
- The miller's sun, Jack,
- Laid her flat on her back,
-And united the organs they pissed with.
-%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
- From the love-making frock
- (With the proper sized cock)
-Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
-%
-There was a young girl of Asturias
-With a penchant for practices curious.
- She loved to bat rocks
- With her gentlemen's cocks --
-A practice both rude and injurious.
-%
-There was a young girl of Batonger
-who diddled herself with a conger,
- When asked how it feels
- To be pleasured by eels
-She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
-%
-There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
-Had a very capricious vagina:
- To the shock of the fucker
- "Twould suddenly pucker,
-And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
-%
-There was a young girl of Cape Cod
-Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
- But it wasn't Jehovah
- That turned the girl over,
-'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
- the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
-%
-There was a young girl of Cape Town
-Who usually fucked with a clown.
- He taught her the trick
- Of sucking his prick,
-And when it went up -- she went down.
-%
-There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
-Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
- She was fucked at the show
- In the twenty-third row,
-And once more going home in the taxi.
-%
-There was a young girl of Darjeeling
-Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
- There was never a sound
- For miles around
-Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young girl of Des Moines
-Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
- Till a guy from Hoboken
- Went and dropped in a token,
-And now she rides free on the ferry.
-%
-There was a young girl of Detroit
-Who at fucking was very adroit:
- She could squeeze her vagina
- To a pin-point, or finer,
-Or open it out like a quoit.
-
-And she had a friend named Durand
-Whose cock could contract or expand.
- He could diddle a midge
- Or the arch of a bridge --
-Their performance together was grand!
-%
-There was a young girl of East Lynne
-Whose mother, to save her from sin,
- Had filled up her crack,
- To the brim with shellac,
-But the boys picked it out with a pin.
-%
-There was a young girl of Gibraltar
-Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
- It really seems odd
- That a virtuous God
-Should answer her prayers and assault her.
-%
-There was a young girl of LLewellyn
-Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
- They were big it is true,
- But her cunt was big too,
-Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
-Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
-%
-There was a young girl of Mobile,
-Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
- To give her a thrill,
- Took a rotary drill,
-Or a number nine emery wheel.
-%
-There was a young girl of Moline
-Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
- She would work on a prick
- With every known trick,
-And finish by winking it clean.
-%
-There was a young girl of Newcastle
-Whose charms were declared universal.
- While one man in front
- Wired into her cunt,
-Another was engaged at her arsehole.
-%
-There was a young girl of Pawtucket
-Whose box was as big as a bucket.
- Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
- I'll have to wear boots,
-For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
-%
-There was a young girl of Penzance
-Who boarded a bus in a trance.
- The passengers fucked her,
- Likewise the conductor,
-While the driver shot off in his pants.
-%
-There was a young girl of Pitlochry
-Who was had by a man in a rockery.
- She said, "Oh! You've come
- All over my bum;
-This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
-%
-There was a young girl of Rangoon
-Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
- "Well, it has been great fun,"
- She remarked when he'd done,
-"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
-%
-There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
-Whose people all thought her a virgin,
- Till they found her in bed
- With her twat very red,
-And the head of a kid just emergin'.
-%
-There was a young girl, very sweet,
-Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
- When she sat on their lap
- She unbuttoned their flap,
-And always had plenty to eat.
-%
-There was a young girl who begat
-Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
- It was fun in the breeding,
- But hell in the feeding,
-When she found there was no tit for Tat.
-%
-There was a young harlot from Kew
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
- She said with a grin,
- "If they pay to get in,
-They'll pay to get out of it too."
-%
-There was a young harlot named Schwartz
-Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
- And they tickled so nice
- She drew a high price
-From the studs at the summer resorts.
-
-Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
-Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
- For according to rumor
- His tool had a tumor
-And a fine row of warts down the middle.
-%
-There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
-Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
- The knob out in front
- Attracted foul cunt
-Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
-%
-There was a young idler named Blood,
-Made a fortune performing at stud,
- With a fifteen-inch peter,
- A double-beat metre,
-And a load like the Biblical Flood.
-%
-There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
-Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
- Perceiving his error,
- The Rabbi in terror
-Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
-%
-There was a young lad from Siam,
-Whose sex life was caught in a jam.
- He loved them real small,
- 'Cause they're funner to ball,
-So he went out and bought him a lamb!
-%
-There was a young lad name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
- His father said, "Durcan!
- Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-%
-There was a young lad name of Ward
-Who strung himself up with a cord
- Said he, of his work
- (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
-"I am leaving because I am bored."
- -- E. A. Guest
-%
-There was a young lad named McFee
-Who was stung in the balls by a bee
- He made oodles of money
- By oozing pure honey
-Every time he attempted to pee.
-%
-There was a young lady at sea
-Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
- Said the brawny old mate,
- "That accounts for the state
-Of the cook and the captain and me."
-%
-There was a young lady called Ciss
-Who went to the river to piss.
- A young man in a punt
- Put his hand on her cunt;
-No wonder she thought it was bliss.
-%
-There was a young lady from Bangor
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
- She woke in dismay
- When she heard the mate say:
-"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
-%
-There was a young lady from Bristol
-Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
- Said she, "It's all glass,
- And as round as my ass,"
-And she farted as loud as a pistol.
-%
-There was a young lady from Brussels
-Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
- She could easily plex them
- And so interflex them
-As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
-%
-There was a young lady from Drew
-Who ended her verse at line two.
-%
-There was a young lady from Dumfries
-Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
- My navel's all bare,
- So stick it in there,
-Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
-%
-There was a young lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
- One was even so brave
- As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There was a young lady from Hyde
-Who ate a green apple and died.
- While her lover lamented
- The apple fermented
-And made cider inside her inside.
-%
-There was a young lady from Maine
-Who claimed she had men on her brain.
- But you knew from the view,
- As her abdomen grew,
-It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-%
-There was a young lady from Munich
-Who had an affair with a eunuch.
- At the height of their passion
- He dealt her a ration
-From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
-%
-There was a young lady from Norway
-Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
- She told her young man,
- "Get off the divan,
-I think I've discovered one more way"
-%
-There was a young lady from Prentice
-Who had an affair with a dentist.
- To make things easier
- He used anesthesia,
-And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
-%
-There was a young lady from Rheims
-Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
- A friend poked around
- And a fly-button found
-Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
-%
-There was a young lady from Rio
-Who slept with the Fornier trio.
- As she dropped her panties
- She said, "No andantes,
-I want this allegro con brio!"
-%
-There was a young lady from Siam
-Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
- "You may kiss me of course,
- But you'll have to use force.
-Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who demurely undressed on a train.
- A helpful young porter
- Helped more than he orter,
-And she promptly cried "Help me again"
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Who got sick as she rode on a train;
- Not once, but again,
- And again, and again,
-And again, and again, and again.
-%
-There was a young lady from Spain
-Whose face was exceedingly plain,
- But her cunt had a pucker
- That made the men fuck her,
-Again, and again, and again.
-%
-There was a young lady from Troy
-Had a moustache, just like a young boy
- Though it tickled to kiss
- 'Twas a source of much bliss
-When she used it to brush a man's toy.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
- But a cynic named Boris
- Just touched her clitoris
-And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wheeling
-Who had a peculiar feeling.
- She laid on her back
- And tickled her crack
-And pissed all over the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lady from Wooster
-Who complained that too many men gooster.
- So she traded her scanties
- For sandpaper panties,
-Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
-%
-There was a young lady in Reno,
-Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
- But she lay on her back,
- And opened her crack,
-So now she owns the Casino!
-%
-There was a young lady named Alice
-Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
- 'Twas the common belief
- It was done for relief,
-And not out of protestant malice.
-%
-There was a young lady named Astor
-Who never let any get past her.
- She finally got plenty
- By stopping twenty,
-Which certainly ought to last her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Banker,
-Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
- She woke in dismay,
- When she heard the mate say,
-"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
-%
-There was a young lady named Blount
-Who had a rectangular cunt.
- She learned for diversion
- Posterior perversion,
-Since no one could fit here in front.
-%
-There was a young lady named Bower
-Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
- But a poet from Perth
- Laid her flat on the earth,
-And proceeded with penis to plough her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Brent
-With a cunt of enormous extent,
- And so deep and so wide,
- The acoustics inside
-Were so good you could hear when you spent.
-%
-There was a young lady named Bright
-Who could travel much faster than light.
- She took off one day,
- In a relative way,
-And returned on the previous night.
-%
-There was a young lady named Brook
-Who never could learn how to cook.
- But on a divan
- She could please any man-
-She knew every darn trick in the book!
-%
-There was a young lady named Cager
-Who, as the result of a wager,
- Consented to fart
- The entire oboe part
-Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
-%
-There was a young lady named Ciss
-Who said, "I think skating's a bliss"
- But she'll never restate,
- For a wheel off her skate
-.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
-%
-There was a young lady named Dot
-Whose cunt was so terribly hot
- That ten bishops of Rome
- And the Pope's private gnome
-Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
-%
-There was a young lady named Duff
-With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
- In his haste to get in her
- One eager beginner
-Lost both of his balls in the rough.
-%
-There was a young lady named Etta
-Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
- Three reasons she had:
- To keep warm wasn't bad,
-But the other two reasons were betta.
-%
-There was a young lady named Fleager
-Who was terribly, terribly eager
- To be all the rage
- On the tragedy stage,
-Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young lady named Flo
-Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
- So they tried it all night,
- Till he got it just right...
-Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
-%
-There was a young lady named Flynn
-Who thought fornication a sin,
- But when she was tight
- It seemed quite all right,
-So everyone filled her with gin.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gilda
-Who went on a date with a builder.
- He said that he would,
- And he could and he should,
-And he did and it damn well near killed her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Gloria,
-Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
- She replied to the chap,
- "I'll draw you a map,
-Of where others have been to before ya."
-%
-There was a young lady named Grace
-Who would not take a prick in her "place."
- Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
- She never would fuck it--
-She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hall,
-Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
- The dress caught on fire
- And burned her entire
-Front page, sporting section, and all.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hatch
-Who would always come through in a scratch.
- If a guy wouldn't neck her,
- She'd grab up his pecker
-And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
-%
-There was a young lady named Mable
-Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
- Then cry to her man,
- "Stuff in all you can --
-Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
-%
-There was a young lady named Mandel
-Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
- By coming out bare
- On the main village square
-And frigging herself with a candle.
-%
-There was a young lady named Maud,
-A terrible society fraud:
- In company, I'm told,
- She was distant and cold,
-But if you got her alone, Oh God!
-%
-There was a young lady named May
-Who strolled in a park by the way,
- And she met a young man
- Who fucked her and ran --
-Now she goes to the park every day.
-%
-There was a young lady named Nance
-Who learned about fucking in France,
- And when you'd insert it
- She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
-And shoved it right back in your pants.
-%
-There was a young lady named Nelly
-Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
- They could tickle her twat
- Or be tied in a knot,
-And could even swat flies on her belly.
-%
-There was a young lady named Ransom
-Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
- When she cried out for more
- A voice from the floor
-Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
-%
-There was a young lady named Riddle
-Who had an untouchable middle.
- She had many friends
- Because of her ends,
-Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
-%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-Who fainted whenever she chose;
- She did so one day
- While playing croquet,
-But was quickly revived with a hose.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young lady named Rose
-With erogenous zones in her toes.
- She remained onanistic
- Till a foot-fetishistic
-Young man became one of her beaux.
-%
-There was a young lady named Schneider
-Who often kept trysts with a spider.
- She found a strange bliss,
- In the hiss of her piss,
-As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
-%
-There was a young lady named Smith
-Whose virtue was largely a myth.
- She said, "Try as I can
- I can't find a man
-Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-There was a young lady named Twiss
-Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
- For it tickled her bum
- And caused her to come
-.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
-%
-There was a young lady named Wylde
-Who kept herself quite undefiled
- By thinking of Jesus;
- Contagious diseases;
-And the bother of having a child.
-%
-There was a young lady of Arden,
-The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
- Said she with a frown,
- "I've been sadly let down
-By the tool of a fool in a garden."
-%
-There was a young lady of Bicester
-Who was nicer by far than her sister:
- The sister would giggle
- And wiggle and jiggle,
-But this one would come if you kissed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Brabant
-Who slept with an impotent savant.
- She admitted, "We shouldn't,
- But it turned out he couldn't-
-So you can't say we have when we haven't."
-%
-There was a young lady of Bude
-Who walked down the street in the nude.
- A bobby said, "Whattum
- Magnificent bottom!"
-And slapped it as hard as he could.
-%
-There was a young lady of Carmia
-Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
- At every cold snap
- She would climb in your lab,
-So her little base burner could warm ya.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Who went down to the river to pee.
- A man in a punt
- Put his hand on her cunt,
-And God! how I wish it were me.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dee
-Whose hymen was split into three.
- And when she was diddled
- The middle string fiddled:
-"Nearer My God To Thee."
-%
-There was a young lady of Dexter
-Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
- For whenever they'd start
- He'd unfailingly fart
-With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Dover
-Whose passion was such that it drove her
- To cry, when you came,
- "Oh dear! What a shame!
-Well, now we shall have to start over."
-%
-There was a young lady of Ealing
-And her lover before her was kneeling.
- Said she, "Dearest Jim,
- Take your hands off my quim;
-I much prefer fucking to feeling."
-%
-There was a young lady of fashion
-Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
- To her lover she said,
- As they climbed into bed,
-"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
-%
-There was a young lady of Fez
-Who was known to the public as "Jez."
- Jezebel was her name,
- Sucking cocks was the game
-She excelled at (so everyone says).
-%
-There was a young lady of Gaza
-Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
- The crabs, in a lump,
- Made tracks to her rump--
-This passing parade did amaze her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester,
-Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
- She wasn't much hurt,
- But he dirtied her skirt,
-So think of the anguish it cost her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Gloucester
-Whose friends they thought they had lost her
- Till they found on the grass
- The marks of her arse,
-And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
-%
-There was a young lady of Kent,
-Who admitted she knew what it meant
- When men asked her to dine,
- And plied her with wine,
-She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
-%
-There was a young lady of Lee
-Who scrambled up into a tree,
- When she got there
- Her arsehole was bare,
-And so was her C U N T.
-%
-There was a young lady of Lincoln
-Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
- So she had a prick lent her
- Which turned it magenta,
-This artful old lady of Lincoln.
-%
-There was a young lady of Natchez
-Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
- And she often said, "Shit!
- Why, I'd give either tit
-For a man with equipment that matches."
-
-There was a young fellow named Locke
-Who was born with a two-headed cock.
- When he'd fondle the thing
- It would rise up and sing
-An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
-
-But whether these two ever met
-Has not been recorded as yet,
- Still, it would be diverting
- To see him inserting
-His whang while it sang a duet.
-%
-There was a young lady of Norway
-Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
- She said to her beau
- "Just look at me Joe
-I think I've discovered one more way."
-%
-There was a young lady of Rhyll
-In an omnibus was taken ill,
- So she called the conductor,
- Who got in and fucked her,
-Which did more good than a pill.
-%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who took down her pants on a train.
- There was a young porter
- Saw more than he orter,
-And asked her to do it again.
-%
-There was a young lady of Spain
-Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
- They did it again
- And again and again,
-And again and again and again.
-%
-There was a young lady of Twickenham
-Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
- On her knees every day
- To God she would pray
-To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
-%
-There was a young lady of Wheeling
-Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
- My little brown jug
- Has need of a plug" --
-And straightaway she started to peeling.
-%
-There was a young lady who said,
-As her bridegroom got into the bed,
- "I'm tired of this stunt,
- That they do with one's cunt,
-You can get up my bottom instead."
-%
-There was a young lady whose cunt
-Could accommodate a small punt.
- Her mother said, "Annie,
- It matches your fanny,
-Which never was that of a runt."
-%
-There was a young lady whose thighs,
-When spread showed a slit of such size,
- And so deep and so wide,
- You could play cards inside,
-Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
-%
-There was a young lass from Surat.
-The cheeks of her ass were so fat
- That they had to be parted
- Whenever she farted,
-And also whenever she shat.
-%
-There was a young laundress named Wrangle
-Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
- "They may tickle my chin,"
- She said with a grin,
-"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
-%
-There was a young maiden from Osset
-Whose quim was nine inches across it.
- Said a young man named Tong,
- With tool nine inches long,
-"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
-%
-There was a young man from Bear Ridge
-Who had strange ideas about marriage.
- He fucked his wife's mother
- And sucked off her brother
-And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
-%
-There was a young man from Bel-Aire
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
- But the banister broke
- So he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man from Biloxi
-Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
- Drinking glass after glass,
- He would tune up his ass,
-Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
-%
-There was a young man from Bombay
-Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
- But the heat of his prick
- Turned it into a brick
-And rubbed all his foreskin away.
-%
-There was a young man from Calcutta
-Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
- "If her Bartholin glands
- Don't respond to my hands,
-I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
-%
-There was a young man from Dallas
-Who had an exceptional phallus.
- He couldn't find room
- In any girl's womb
-Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
-%
-There was a young man from Dundee
-Who buggered an ape in a tree.
- The results were quite horrid:
- All ass and no forehead,
-Three balls and a purple goatee.
-%
-There was a young man from East Lizes
-Whose balls were of two different sizes
- One was so small
- It was no ball at all
-The other was large and won prizes.
-%
-There was a young man from East Wubley
-Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
- Each quadruplicate shaft
- Had two balls hanging aft,
-And the general effect was quite lovely.
-
-There was a young man from Hong Kong
-Who had a trifurcated prong:
- A small one for sucking,
- A large one for fucking,
-And a `boney' for beating a gong.
-%
-There was a young man from Glengozzle
-Who found a remarkable fossil.
- He knew by the bend
- And the wart on the end,
-'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
-%
-There was a young man from Jodhpur
-Who found he could easily cure
- His dread diabetes
- By eating a foetus
-Served up in a sauce of manure.
-%
-There was a young man from Kent
-Whose tool was so long that it bent.
- To save himself trouble
- He put it in double
-And instead of coming, he went.
-%
-There was a young man from Lynn
-Whose cock was the size of a pin.
- Said his girl with a laugh
- As she felt his staff,
-"This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There was a young man from Maine
-Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
- It was almost as long,
- So he strolled with his dong
-Extended in sunshine and rain.
-%
-There was a young man from Nantucket
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
- But he looked in the glass,
- And saw his own ass,
-And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
-%
-There was a young man from Nantucket
-Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
- He said with a grin,
- While wiping his chin,
-"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
-%
-There was a young man from New Haven
-Who had an affair with a raven.
- He said with a grin
- As he wiped off his chin,
-"Nevermore!"
-%
-There was a young man from Peru,
-Who took a long trip by canoe.
- While staring at Venus,
- And rubbing his penis,
-He wound up with a handful of goo.
-%
-There was a young man from Purdue
-Who was only just learning to screw,
- But he hadn't the knack,
- And he got too far back --
-In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
-%
-There was a young man from Racine
-Who invented a fucking machine.
- Concave or convex,
- It served either sex,
-But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
-%
-There was a young man from Rangoon
-Who used to lament 'neath the moon
- That he had the luck
- To be born of a fuck
-That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
-%
-There was a young man from Salinas
-Who had an extremely long penis:
- Believe it or not,
- When he lay on his cot
-It reached from Marin to Martinez.
-%
-There was a young man from Seattle
-Whose testicles tended to rattle.
- He said as he fuck-ed
- Some stones in a bucket,
-"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
-%
-There was a young man from Siam
-Who said, "I go in with a wham,
- But I soon lose my starch
- Like the mad month of March,
-And the lion comes out like a lamb."
-%
-There was a young man from St. Paul's
-Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
- Till he grew such a passion
- For feminine fashion
-That he knitted a snood for his balls.
-%
-There was a young man from Stamboul
-Who boasted so torrid a tool
- That each female crater
- Explored by this satyr
-Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
-%
-There was a young man from the Coast
-Who had an affair with a ghost.
- At the height of orgasm
- Said the pallid phantasm,
-"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
-%
-There was a young man from Tibet-
-And this is the strangest one yet-
- Whose tool was so long,
- So pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
-%
-There was a young man in Havana,
-Banged his girl on a player-piana.
- At the height of their fever
- Her ass hit the lever
-And: yes, he has no banana.
-%
-There was a young man in Norway,
-Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
- But the air was so frigid
- It froze his cock rigid,
-And all he could come was frappe.
-%
-There was a young man in the choir
-Whose penis rose higher and higher,
- Till it reached such a height
- It was quite out of sight --
-But of course you know I'm a liar.
-%
-There was a young man, name of Fred,
-Who spent every Thursday in bed;
- He lay with his feet
- Outside of the sheet,
-And the pillows on top of his head.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young man, name of Saul,
-Who was able to bounce either ball,
- He could stretch them and snap them,
- And juggle and clap them,
-Which earned him the plaudits of all.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
- His wife was a bitch
- So she threw the switch,
-And Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man named Hughes
-Who swore off all kinds of booze.
- He said, "When I'm muddled
- My senses get fuddled,
-And I pass up too many screws."
-%
-There was a young man named Knute
-Who had warts all over his root.
- He put acid on these
- And now when he pees,
-He fingers the thing like a flute.
-%
-There was a young man named Rex
-Who really was small for his sex.
- When tried for exposure
- The judge's disclosure
-Was "de minimus non curat lex."
-%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabel
-Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
- When they asked if his pleasure
- Was only half measure,
-He replied, "That is highly improbable."
-%
-There was a young man named Zerubbabub
-Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
- But the pride of his life
- Were the tits of his wife --
-One real, and one India-rubber bub.
-%
-There was a young man of Arras
-Who stretched himself out on the grass,
- And with no little trouble,
- He bent himself double,
-And stuck his prick well up his ass.
-%
-There was a young man of Australia
-Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
- He buggered a frog,
- Two mice and a dog,
-And a bishop in fullest regalia.
-%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
- I will suck, without charge,
- Any cock, if it's large.
-If it's small, I expect to be paid."
-%
-There was a young man of Belgrade
-Who slept with a girl in the trade.
- She said to him, "Jack,
- Try the hole in the back;
-The front one is badly decayed."
-%
-There was a young man of Bengal
-Who swore he had only one ball,
- But two little bitches
- Unbuttoned his britches,
-And found he had no balls at all.
-%
-There was a young man of Bombay
-Who buggered his dad once a day.
- He said, "I like, rather,
- Fucking my father --
-He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
-%
-There was a young man of Calcutta,
-Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
- When he got to c-u,
- A pious Hindoo
-Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
-%
-There was a young man of Cape Horn
-Who wished he had never been born,
- And he wouldn't have been
- If his father had seen
-That the end of the rubber was torn.
-%
-There was a young man of Coblenz
-Whose ballocks were simply immense:
- It took forty-four draymen,
- A priest and three laymen
-To carry them thither and thence.
-%
-There was a young man of Darjeeling
-Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
- In the electric light socket,
- He'd put it and rock it--
-Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
-%
-There was a young man of Devizes,
-Whose balls were of different sizes.
- One was so small,
- It was nothing at all;
-The other took numerous prizes.
-%
-There was a young man of Dumfries
-Who said to his girl, "If you please,
- It would give me great bliss
- If, while playing with this,
-You would pay some attention to these!"
-%
-There was a young man of high station
-Who was found by a pious relation
- Making love in a ditch
- To -- I won't say a bitch --
-But a woman of no reputation.
-%
-There was a young man of Khartoum,
-The strength of whose balls was his doom.
- So strong was his shootin',
- The third law of Newton
-Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
-%
-There was a young man of Khartoum
-Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
- He not only fucked her,
- But buggered and sucked her--
-And left her to pay for the room.
-%
-There was a young man of Kutki
-Who could blink himself off with one eye.
- For a while though, he pined,
- When his organ declined
-To function, because of a stye.
-%
-There was a young man of Lahore
-Whose prick was one inch and no more.
- It was all right for key-holes
- And little girl's pee-holes,
-But not worth a damn with a whore.
-%
-There was a young man of Lake Placid
-Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
- When he wanted to sport
- He would have to resort
-To injections of sulphuric acid.
-%
-There was a young man of Madras
-Whose balls were constructed of brass.
- When jangled together
- They played "Stormy Weather",
-And lightning shot out of his ass.
-%
-There was a young man of Missouri
-Who fucked with a terrible fury.
- Till hauled into court
- For his beastial sport,
-And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
-%
-There was a young man of Natal
-And Sue was the name of his gal.
- One day, north of Aden,
- He got his hard rod in,
-And came clear up Suez Canal.
-%
-There was a young man of Natal
-Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
- Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
- Said he, "You be buggered!
-I like to fuck slow and I shall."
-%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Who let a girl play with his end.
- She took hold of Rover,
- And felt it all over,
-And it did what she didn't intend.
-%
-There was a young man of Ostend
-Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
- "It's no use, my duck,
- Interrupting our fuck,
-For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
-%
-There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
-Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
- It was good for large whores,
- And for small dinosaurs,
-And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
-%
-There was a young man of Seattle
-Who bested a bull in a battle.
- With fire and gumption
- He assumed the bull's function,
-And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
-%
-There was a young man of St. John's
-Who wanted to bugger the swans.
- But the loyal hall porter
- Said, "Pray take my daughter!
-Those birds are reserved for the dons."
-%
-There was a young man of Tibet
--- And this is the strangest one yet --
- His prick was so long,
- And so pointed and strong,
-He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
-%
-There was a young man of Toulouse
-Who had a deficient prepuce,
- But the foreskin he lacked
- He made up in his sac;
-The result was, his balls were too loose.
-%
-There was a young man who appeared
-To his friends with a full growth of beard;
- They at once said, "Although
- We can't say why it's so,
-The effect is uncommonly weird."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young man who said "God,
-I find it exceedingly odd,
- That the willow oak tree
- Continues to be,
-When there's no one about in the Quad."
-
-"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
-For I'm always about in the Quad;
- And that's why the tree,
- Continues to be,"
-Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
-%
-There was a young man with a fiddle
-Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
- She replied, "Yes, I do,
- But prefer to with two --
-It's twice as much fun in the middle."
-%
-There was a young man with a prick
-Which into his wife he would stick
- Every morning and night
- If it stood up all right --
-Not a very remarkable trick.
-
-His wife had a nice little cunt:
-It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
- And with this she would fuck him,
- Though sometimes she'd suck him --
-A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
-%
-There was a young man with one foot
-Who had a very long root.
- If he used this peg
- As an extra leg
-Is a question exceedingly moot.
-%
-There was a young miss from Johore
-Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
- In a manner uncanny
- She'd wobble her fanny,
-And drain your nuts dry to the core.
-%
-There was a young monk from Siberia
-Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
- Till he did to a nun
- What shouldn't be done
-And made her a mother superia'.
-%
-There was a young monk from Tibet
-And this is the damnedest one yet
- His cock was so long
- And incredibly strong
-That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
-%
-There was a young monk in Siberia,
-Whose morals were very inferior,
- He jumped on a nun
- Which he shouldn't have done,
-And now she's a Mother Superior.
-%
-There was a young monk of Dundee
-Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
- He said, "Pax vobiscum,
- Now why won't the piss come?
-I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
-%
-There was a young parson of Harwich,
-Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
- She said, "No, you young goose,
- Just try self-abuse.
-And the other we'll try after marriage."
-%
-There was a young peasant named Gorse
-Who fell madly in love with his horse.
- Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
- That horse is a stallion --
-This constitutes grounds for divorce."
-%
-There was a young person of Kent
-Who was famous wherever he went.
- All the way through a fuck,
- He would quack like a duck,
-And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
-%
-There was a young physicist named Fisk
-Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
- So quick was his action,
- The Lorentz Contraction
-Shortened his rod to a disc!
-%
-There was a young plumber named Lee
-Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
- She said, "Stop your plumbing,
- There's somebody coming"
-Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
-%
-There was a young poet named Dan,
-Whose poetry never would scan.
- When told this was so,
- He said, "Yes, I know,
-It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
-%
-There was a young royal marine,
-Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
- When he reached the soprano
- Out came only guano
-And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
-%
-There was a young sailor from Brighton,
-Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
- She replied, "'Pon my soul,
- You're in the wrong hole;
-There's plenty of room in the right one."
-%
-There was a young sapphic named Anna
-Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
- Which she sucked, bit by bit,
- From her partner's warm slit,
-In the most approved lesbian manner.
-%
-There was a young Scot in Madrid
-Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
- When they said, "Are you faint?"
- He replied, "No, I ain't,
-But I don't feel as good as I did."
-%
-There was a young soldier from Munich
-Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
- And their chops girls would lick
- When they thought of his prick,
-But alas! he was only a eunuch.
-%
-There was a young sportsman named Peel
-Who went for a trip on his wheel;
- He pedaled for days
- Through crepuscular haze,
-And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young squaw of Wohunt
-Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
- It had many odd uses,
- Produced no papooses,
-And fitted both giant and runt.
-%
-There was a young student from Yale
-Who was getting his first piece of tail.
- He shoved in his pole,
- But in the wrong hole,
-And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
-%
-There was a young trollop at Yale,
-Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
- And on her behind,
- For the sake of the blind,
-A duplicate version in Braille.
-%
-There was a young woman called Pearl
-Who quite resembled a churl;
- When she asked a young man named Tex
- Whether he would like to have sex,
-"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
-%
-There was a young woman from Bude,
-Who went for a swim in the nude,
- But a man in a punt,
- Grabbed at her elbow,
-And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
-%
-There was a young woman in Dee
-Who stayed with each man she did see.
- When it came to a test
- She wished to be best,
-And practice makes perfect, you see.
-%
-There was a young woman named Alice
-Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
- She said, "I do this
- From a great need to piss,
-And not from sectarian malice."
-%
-There was a young woman named Ells
-Who was subject to curious spells
- When got up very oddly,
- She'd cry out things ungodly
-by the palms in expensive hotels.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young woman named Florence
-Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
- But they found her in bed
- With her cunt flaming red,
-And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
-%
-There was a young woman named Plunnery
-Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
- Till one day unobservant,
- She blew up a servant,
-And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was a young woman named Sutton
-Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
- "My father preferred
- The last sheep in the herd --
-This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
-%
-There was a young woman of Cheadle,
-Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
- Said she, "Does it itch?"
- "It does, you damned bitch,
-And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
-%
-There was a young woman of Condover
-Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
- Her pussy was juicy,
- Her arse soft and goosey,
-But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
-%
-There was a young woman of Croft
-Who played with herself in a loft,
- Having reasoned that candles
- Could never cause scandals,
-Besides which they did not go soft.
-
-Said another young woman of Croft,
-Amusing herself in the loft,
- "A salami or wurst
- Is what I'd choose first --
-With bologna you know you've been boffed."
-%
-There was a young woman, quite handsome,
-Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
- When she offered much gold
- For release, she was told
-That the view was worth more than the ransom.
-%
-There was a young woman whose stammer
-Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
- But they were not improved
- When her husband was moved
-To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There was an old abbess quite shocked
-To find nuns where the candles were locked.
- Said the abbess, "You nuns
- Should behave more like guns,
-And never go off till you're cocked."
-%
-There was an old bishop from Buckingham
-Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
- His wife with distain
- Could scarcely restrain
-That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
-%
-There was an old count of Swoboda
-Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
- So, with great savoir-faire,
- She stood on a chair
-And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
-%
-There was an old curate of Hestion
-Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.
- But so small was his tool
- He could scarce screw a spool,
-And a cunt was quite out of the question.
-%
-There was an old fellow named Art
-Who awoke with a horrible start,
- For down by his rump
- Was a generous lump
-Of what should have been just a fart.
-%
-There was an old fellow named Skinner
-Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
- But still, by and large,
- It would always discharge
-Once he could just get it in her.
-%
-There was an old feminine blighter
-Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
- She would cream her own pool
- While she sucked off his tool --
-How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
-%
-There was an old gent from Kentuck
-Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
- But he put it away
- For fear that one day
-He might put it in and get stuck.
-%
-There was an old girl of Kilkenny
-Whose usual charge was a penny.
- For half of that sum
- You could finger her bum--
-A source of amusement to many.
-%
-There was an old harlot from Dijon
-Who in her old age got religion.
- "When I'm dead & gone,"
- Said she, "I'll take on
-The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
-%
-There was an old lady of Bingly
-Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
- I thought I had got
- A bloke for my twat,
-But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
-%
-There was an old lady of Glascow,
-Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
- At nine-thirty, about,
- The lights all went out,
-Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
-%
-There was an old lady of Kewry
-Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
- The `introitus vaginae',
- Was unnaturally tiny,
-And the thought of it filled her with fury.
-%
-There was an old lady who lay
-With her legs wide apart in the hay,
- Then, calling the ploughman,
- She said, "Do it now, man!
-Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
-%
-There was an old maid from Cape Cod
-Who thought all good things came from god.
- But it wasn't the almighty
- Who lifted her nighty,
-It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
-%
-There was an old man from Bengal
-Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
- His favorite trick
- Was to stand on his dick
-While he rolled around on one ball.
-%
-There was an old man from Fort Drum
-Whose son was incredibly dumb.
- When he urged him ahead,
- He went down instead,
-For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
-%
-There was an old man of Alsace
-Who played the trombone with his ass.
- He put in a trap
- To take out the crap,
-But the vapors corroded the brass.
-%
-There was an old man of Brienz
-The length of whose cock was immense:
- With one swerve he could plug
- A boy's bottom in Zug,
-And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
-%
-There was an old man of Cajon
-Who never could get a good bone.
- With the aid of a gland
- It grew simply grand;
-Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
-%
-There was an old man of Calcutta
-Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
- But all he could see
- Was his wife's bare knee,
-And the back of the bloke who was up her.
-%
-There was an old man of Connaught
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
- When he got into bed,
- The old woman said,
-"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
-%
-There was an old man of Duddee
-Who came home as drunk as could be.
- He wound up the clock
- With the end of his cock,
-And buggered his wife with the key.
-%
-There was an old man of Duluth
-Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
- He fucked with his nose
- And with fingers and toes,
-And he came through a hole in his tooth.
-%
-There was an old man of Hong Kong
-Who never did anything wrong.
- He would lie on his back
- With his head in a sack
-And secretly finger his dong.
-%
-There was an old man of St. Bees,
-Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
- When asked, "Does it hurt?"
- He replied, "No, it doesn't.
-I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
- -- W. S. Gilbert
-%
-There was an old man of Tagore
-Whose tool was a yard long or more,
- So he wore the damn thing
- In a surgical sling
-To keep it from wiping the floor.
-%
-There was an Old Man of the Mountain
-Who frigged himself into a fountain
- Fifteen times had he spent,
- Still he wasn't content,
-He simply got tired of the counting.
-%
-There was an old man who said, "Tush!
-My balls always hang in the brush,
- And I fumble about,
- Half in and half out,
-With a pecker as limber as mush."
-%
-There was an old man with a beard
-Who said, "It is just what I feared!
- Two owls and a hen,
- Four larks and a wren
-Have all built their nests in my beard!"
-%
-There was an old person of Ware
-Who had an affair with a bear.
- He explained, "I don't mind,
- For it's gentle and kind,
-But I wish it had slightly less hair."
-%
-There was an old pirate named Bates
-Who was learning to rhumba on skates
- He fell on his cutlass
- Which rendered him nutless
-And practically useless on dates.
-%
-There was an old satyr named Mack
-Whose prick had a left handed tack.
- If the ladies he loves
- Don't spin when he shoves,
-Their cervixes frequently crack.
-%
-There was an old Scot named McTavish
-Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
- The object of rape
- Was the wrong sex of ape,
-And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
-%
-There was an old whore from Silesia
-Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya,
- For a slight extra sum
- You can go up my bum
-But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
-%
-There was an old whore in the Azores
-Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
- Why the dogs in the street
- Wouldn't eat the green meat
-That hung in festoons from her drawers.
-%
-There was an old woman of Ghent
-Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
- She got fucked so often
- At last she got rotten,
-And didn't she stink when she spent.
-%
-There was once a mechanic named Bench
-Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
- With this vibrant device
- He could reach, in a trice,
-The innermost parts of a wench.
-%
-There were three ladies of Huxham,
-And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
- And when that game grows stale
- We sits on a rail,
-And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
-%
-There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
-And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
- They lifted the frock
- And tickled the cock
-Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
-
-Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
-He'd been to a good public school,
- So he took down their britches
- And buggered those bitches
-With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
-
-Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
-And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
- "The vicar is quicker
- And thicker and slicker,
-And longer and stronger than you."
- -- Abuses of the Clergy
-%
-There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
-Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
- It's deep and it's wide,
- -- You can curl up inside
-With a nice easy chair and a book.
-%
-There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
-Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
- But now--it's appallin'--
- My balls always fall in!
-I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
-%
-There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
-Whose manners are odd and demanding.
- It's one of her jests
- To suck off her guests --
-She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
-%
-There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
-Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
- But her cunt's got a pucker
- That's best not to fuck, or
-When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
-%
-There's a rather odd couple in Herts
-Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
- Their sex is in doubt
- For they're never without
-Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
-Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
- In the shell Sue is great,
- But her boyfriend's irate,
-When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
-%
-There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
-By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
- In her striving to please,
- She serves ale on her knees,
-So the patrons get head with their draft.
-%
-There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
-Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
- The seniors go round
- Hanging down to the ground,
-And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
-%
-There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
-Since his shocking perversions are various...
- He will bugger some lad
- With a dildo (the cad!)
-While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
-%
-There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
-Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
- When one pireg is shot,
- There's that alternate twat,
-But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
-%
-There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
-Who insists on a dozen a night.
- A fellow named Cheddar
- Had the brashness to wed her-
-His chance of survival is slight.
-%
-There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
-Exceedingly hard to get onto,
- But when you get there,
- And have parted the hair,
-You can fuck her as much as you want to.
-%
-They had come in the fugue to the stretto
-When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
- Slipped forward and grabbed
- Her tresses and stabbed
-Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
-Was to do what man normally does,
- She declared, "I'm a Soul-
- Not a sexual goal!"
-So he shrugged and called someone who was.
-%
-Though most of the crewmen are whites,
-Uhura has full equal rights.
- Her crewmates, you see,
- Love De-mo-cra-cy,
-And the way that she fills out her tights.
-%
-Though the invalid Saint of Brac
-Lay all of his life on his back,
- His wife got her share,
- And the pilgrims now stare
-At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
-%
-'Tis a custom in Castellamare
-To fuck in the back of a lorry.
- The chassis and springs
- Are like woodwinds and strings
-In the midst of a musical soiree.
-%
-To a weepy young woman in Thrums
-Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
- Of allowing your tears
- To fall into my ears -
-I think they have rotted the drums."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
-Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
- He constructed a bed
- Out of tree trunks and said,
-"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
-%
-To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
-Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
- She replied, "Why, you fool,
- With your limp little tool
-It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
-%
-To his bride said a numskull named Clarence:
-"I trust you will show some forbearance.
- My sexual habits
- I picked up from rabbits,
-And occasionally watching my parents."
-%
-To his bride said economist Fife:
-"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
- We will salvage and freeze
- To resemble goat's cheese,
-And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
-%
-To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
-"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
- Is your east tit the least bit
- The best of your west tit,
-Or is it a trick of perspective?"
-%
-To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
-As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
- "Your mother's behaviour
- Gave pain to Our Saviour,
-And that's why He made you a cripple."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Two anglers were fishing off Wight
-And his bobber was dipping all night.
- Murmured she, with a laugh,
- "It's ready to gaff,
-But don't break your rod which is light."
-
-A couple was fishing near Clombe
-When the maid began looking quite glum,
- And said, "Bother the fish!
- I'd rather coish!"
-Which they did -- which was why they had come.
-
-As two consular clerks in Madras
-Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
- "What a marvelous pole,"
- Said she, "but control
-Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
-%
-Two eager young men from Cawnpore
-Once buggered and fucked the same whore.
- But her partition split
- And the blood and the shit
-Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
-%
-Two roosters in one of our pens
-Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
- As they looked at their foreskins
- And wished they had more skins,
-They discovered they'd both become hens.
-%
-Under the spreading chestnut tree
-The village smith he sat,
- Amusing himself
- By abusing himself
-And catching the load in his hat.
-%
-Une joile epousetta a Tours
-Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
- Mais le mari disait, "Non!
- De trop n'est pas bon!
-Mon derriere exige du secours!"
-%
-Visas erat: huic geminarum
-Dispar modus testicularum:
- Minor haec nihili,
- Palma triplici,
-Jam fecerat altera clarum.
-%
-We dedicate this to the cunt,
-The kind the broad-minded guys hunt:
- All hail to the twat,
- Willing, thrilling, and hot,
-That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
-%
-When I was a baby, my penis
-Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
- But now 'tis as red
- As her nipples instead--
-All because of the feminine genus!
-%
-When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
-Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
- "Was he modest or vain?"
- "Was he regal or plain?"
-She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
-%
-When you fuck little Annie in Anza
-You get a great bosom bonanza:
- Sucking Annie's soft tits
- Makes her throw fifty fits,
-And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
-%
-While his duchess lay practically dead,
-The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
- "Can it be this is all?
- How puny! How small!
-Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
-Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
- She explained, "They are flat,
- But think nothing of that --
-You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
-%
-While out on a date in his Fiat,
-The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
- As he bent down to seek,
- She let out a shriek:
-"That's not where it's likely to be at."
-%
-While spending the winter at Pau
-Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
- So the head-porter made her
- And the second-cook laid her;
-The waiters were all hanging low.
-%
-While Titian was mixing rose madder,
-His model reclined on a ladder.
- Her position to Titian
- Suggested coition,
-So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
-%
-While traveling in farthest Tibet,
-Lord Irongate found cause to regret
- The buttered-up tea,
- A pain in his knee,
-And the frivolous tourists he met.
- -- Edward Gorey
-%
-Winter is here with his grouch,
-The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
- You can't take your women
- Canoein' or swimmin',
-But a lot can be done on a couch.
-%
-With his penis in turgid erection,
-And aimed at woman's mid-section,
- Man looks most uncouth
- In that Moment of Truth,
-But she sheathes it with loving affection.
-%
-You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
-But dependent on men you must be:
- You'll need a him
- With a rod firm and trim,
-To puggle your water-drains free!
-%
-Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
-To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
- If you'll come to my palace,
- I'll finger your phallus,
-And then I shall blow on your flute."
-%
-You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
-Well, here's the new story concerning 'im:
- He buggers the choir
- As they sing "Ave Maria,"
-And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
-%
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-abbess's
-Abercrombie
-Aberystwyth
-acrost
-Aden
-Ades
-Alsace
-altera
-Amphigorey
-anatomies
-andantes
-Annie's
-Annista
-Antigua
-Anza
-Apres
-archeologist
-Arden
-ARPAnaut
-arsehole
-astonishment's
-Asturias
-Attila
-ausgefuckt
-Azores
-backsides
-ballocks
-Baroda
-Bartholin
-Batonger
-Baugh
-Bavel
-beabrve
-Beaconsfield
-beastial
-Beaulieu
-Beever
-belican
-Benares
-Bergere
-Bermuder
-berserkly
-bettera
-Bicester
-Bingly
-Bloch
-Blott
-Blount
-Bluth
-boffed
-bologna
-Bonaire
-boney
-Breerley
-bridegroom's
-Brienz
-Brighton
-Brillo
-brio
-Bronix
-Bruckner
-Bruges
-Buckingham
-Bude
-bull's
-busiasm
-bustles
-Byrd
-Cah'lina
-Cajon
-callgirl
-Camyre
-cannie
-Carmia
-Carranza's
-Carruthers
-Castellamare
-Cawnpore
-cervixes
-chanties
-Charteris
-Cheadle
-Cheddar
-Chichester
-Chichester's
-circumsized
-Ciss
-clarum
-clergyman's
-Clews
-Clombe
-Coblenz
-cocksucking
-coish
-Condover
-coxing
-Coxsaxie
-creame
-Crewe
-crewmates
-Cribbs
-crusader's
-curat
-d'hotel
-d'Isere
-d'oeuvres
-Daguerrodargue
-Decatur
-deflowered
-deflowers
-Detroit
-detumesced
-Devizes
-Dieu
-dillie
-disait
-Dispar
-dooflicker
-doric
-Drambuie
-draymen
-dribblings
-Drumrig
-duck's
-Duddee
-Dumfries
-Dundee
-Dunoon
-duply
-Durand
-Durcan
-Ealing
-eastertide
-edaM
-eighths
-ekil
-elihW
-Ells
-epousetta
-erat
-Ermintrude's
-Eroticon
-ESC
-Esser
-Eton
-exige
-eyesight's
-Fabia
-faggot
-faire
-fanny
-fart
-farta
-farted
-farter
-farting
-farts
-fecerat
-Feeney
-fellatrix
-fellatrix's
-Fenner
-Fennis
-festooned
-festoons
-fidgital
-fiesty
-Fleager
-floozie
-Folies
-foreskins
-Forgeteth
-Fornier
-frigged
-frigger
-frigging
-fritz
-fuckener
-fucking'em
-Fuckoscope
-fuckstress
-fuddled
-Fyfe
-Gamahuchee
-Gasted
-gaucho
-gawked
-Gaza
-geminarum
-Glengozzle
-gnihtemos
-gniyl
-Gomorrah
-goosey
-gooster
-Gorey
-Gratian
-Gression
-guerre
-Hank's
-Harper's
-Harwich
-helican
-Herridge
-Herts
-Hestion
-hetera
-Heuser
-hexahedronical
-hexed
-hsinif
-huic
-Huxham
-Hyde
-hymen's
-Ickes
-Ignatious
-iguanas
-IIE
-Illiac
-intacto
-interflex
-Irongate
-itchez
-jello
-Jodhpur
-Johore
-joile
-Kew
-Kewry
-Khartoum
-Kiam
-Kilkenny
-Kimble
-Kissen
-Kornbluth
-Kotex
-Kroll
-Kutki
-lacklustre
-Lahore
-Lancelot
-laundress
-Leeds
-Lefebrve
-Lesbian's
-lifesavers
-lilly
-Lizes
-llamas
-Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
-LLewellyn
-Longet
-looky
-Lorentz
-lovemaking
-Lowe
-LSD
-Luntz
-lusus
-Mable
-MacDougall
-Magnifique
-Mais
-Maitre
-Mam'selle
-Manchukuo
-Mandel
-Manhasset
-mari
-Maurier
-maxi
-Mayence
-McAmeter
-McFee
-Mcgoffin
-McGru
-McGruder
-McMeanus
-McSweeny
-McTavish
-meanie
-meanies
-meany
-Mensa
-mentis
-midgets
-minimis
-missin
-misspent
-Moebius
-moi
-moister
-mole's
-Mons
-Moxie
-muckener
-n'est
-Natches
-naturae
-navel's
-Nemetia
-nighty
-nihili
-niners
-Noah's
-Norte
-nuki
-nutless
-O'Clare
-O'Doole
-O'Malley
-obbligatos
-octagenerian
-organed
-orter
-Ostend
-oversexed
-Paloma
-papooses
-paree
-Parridge
-patchez
-pecker's
-peckers
-peedle
-peeholes
-peenies
-pees
-Penzance
-pink'un
-pissin
-Pitlochry
-Pitts
-plaudits
-pleasure's
-ploughman
-Plunnery
-port's
-Pourtant
-Priam
-Pridgets
-prodigical
-pruntz
-Pryne
-Prynne
-Quaffed
-Quelle
-question's
-quibblings
-quim
-quimmy
-quints
-ravished
-Reims
-Resounded
-retriebrve
-Rhyll
-rogered
-Salinas
-Sandem
-savoir
-Schmitz
-scratchez
-seatbelts
-secours
-secret's
-sextravaganza
-Shedd
-shins
-Shittlecock
-shitty
-shootin
-shrewder
-Siegel
-siht
-skating's
-Slatey
-Smokey
-sneaux
-sniffin
-sophomore'd
-spaceman
-spikey
-Spitzbergen
-Sprotic
-Spyder
-Stamboul
-Stillson
-Streator
-Strensall
-strewed
-stroda
-Suki
-Susiasm
-Sweenies
-Swoboda
-T'was
-Tagore
-Tante
-tapeworm'll
-Terminus's
-testicularum
-thing's
-Thrace
-Thrums
-Tiffan
-tis
-titted
-titties
-Tobruk
-tooty
-topsheet
-tous
-Trans
-Trasket
-trifurcated
-triplici
-trop
-truckloads
-trysts
-Tunney
-Tupper
-Tupps
-Twickenham
-Twiss
-Twould
-Udgeon
-Uhura
-urgin's
-Usenetter
-vaginae
-vaginoid
-Vassar
-Venerio
-Ventry
-verkeley
-Vesuvial
-Virginny
-virgo
-Vitalis
-vobiscum
-Vogel's
-Voulait
-wanna
-Weaveth
-weeney
-Whatam
-Whyte
-Wimley
-Wohunt
-Wubley
-Wylde
-ylbatrofmoc
-yontiff
-Yoric
-Yost
-yourselfer
-Zerubbabel
-Zerubbabub
-Zug
+++ /dev/null
-%%$FreeBSD$
-%
-(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
-(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough
- facts.
-(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
-%
-(1) Everything depends.
-(2) Nothing is always.
-(3) Everything is sometimes.
-%
-(1) Everything is a system.
-(2) Everything is part of a larger system.
-(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward
- (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems).
-(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion
- of simplicity comes from focusing attention on
- one or a few variables).
-%
-(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
-(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry.
-(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics.
-%
-(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church
- attendance will be down.
-(2) If the weather is extremely good, church
- attendance will be down.
-(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply
- church attendance will exceed all expectations.
-%
-(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size.
-(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't
- fit anyway.
-(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it.
-(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it
- falls apart the first time you wear it.
-%
-(1) Never draw what you can copy.
-(2) Never copy what you can trace.
-(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
-%
-(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the
- door, fumbling for your keys.
-
-(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click
- of the caller hanging up.
-%
-1) Things will get worse before they get better.
-2) Who said things would get better?
-%
-80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture
-you missed about the one book you didn't read.
-%
-90% of everything is crud.
-%
-A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing
-first.
-%
-A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will
-self-destruct on the 61st day.
-%
-A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
-%
-A bird in the hand is dead.
-%
-A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber
-has to make an emergency visit.
-%
-A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because
-it was marked down.
-%
-A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for
-Christmas and spending them by Easter.
-%
-A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a
-shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey.
-%
-A budget is trying to figure out how the family next
-door is doing it.
-%
-A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as
-it did when you were first married.
-%
-A budget is wondering why you should balance yours
-if the government can not balance theirs.
-%
-A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise
-deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge.
-%
-A carelessly planned project will take three times
-longer than expected; a carefully planned project will
-take only twice as long.
-%
-A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
-%
-A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-%
-A complex system designed from scratch never works and
-cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start
-over, beginning with a working simple system.
-%
-A complex system that works is invariably found to have
-evolved from a simple system that works.
-%
-A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-%
-A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
-%
-A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not
-take place.
-%
-A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the
-whole thing".
-%
-A day without sunshine ....
-is like ... night!
-%
-A disagreeable task is its own reward.
-%
-A drug is that substance which, when injected into a
-rat, will produce a scientific report.
-%
-A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
- -- Klipstein
-%
-A fool and his money are invited places.
-%
-A fool and his money soon go partying.
-%
-A fool and your money are soon partners.
-%
-A free agent is anything but.
-%
-A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and
-nobody minds if you exchange it.
-%
-A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of
-a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system.
-%
-A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
-%
-A little humility is arrogance.
-%
-A little ignorance can go a long way.
-%
-A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much
-technological roccoco.
-%
-A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
-%
-A man should be greater than some of his parts.
-%
-A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or
-her opposition.
-%
-A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
-and the hours are lost.
-%
-A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick
-in the pants.
-%
-A penny saved is ... not much.
-%
-A pessimist is an optimist with experience.
-%
-A physician's ability is inversely proportional
-to his availability.
-%
-A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered
-only during the semester following the desired course.
-%
-A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready,
-willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
-%
-A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible.
-%
-A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
-%
-A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public
-area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary.
-%
-A stagnant science is at a standstill.
-%
-A theory is better than its explanation.
-%
-A work project expands to fill the space available.
-%
-Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than
-a wet dog.
-%
-Access holes will be 1/2" too small.
-Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place.
-%
-ACF2 is a four letter word.
-%
-Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
-%
-After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
-than done
-%
-After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle
-will repeat itself.
-%
-After winning an argument with his wife,
-the wisest thing a man can do is apologize.
-%
-All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
-%
-All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
-%
-All general statements are false. (Think about it.)
-%
-All good things must come to an end.
-I want to know when they start!
-%
-All things being equal, all things are never equal.
-%
-All things being equal, you lose.
-
-All things being in your favor, you still lose.
-
-Win or lose, you lose.
-%
-All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list.
-%
-All trails have more uphill sections than they have
-level or downhill sections.
-%
-All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
-%
-Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
-%
-Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
-%
-An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his
-own physician.
-%
-An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over,
-and attacks the wounded.
-%
-An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful
-than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
-%
-An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is
-merely better organized and uses slides.
-%
-An expert is anyone from out of town.
-%
-An expert is one who knows more and more about less
-and less until he knows absolutely everything
-about nothing.
-%
-An optimist believes we live in the best of all
-possible worlds.
-A pessimist fears this is true.
-%
-An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage.
-A pessimist is a married optimist!
-%
-An original idea can never emerge from committee
-in its original form.
-%
-An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
-%
-An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-%
-Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly
-refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate
-for an audience.
-%
-Any circuit design must contain at least one part which
-is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three
-parts which at still under development.
-%
-Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be
-needed immediately thereafter for something else.
-%
-Any given program costs more and takes longer.
-%
-Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
-%
-Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
-%
-Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion
-if it did occur, will occur.
-%
-Any line, however short, is still too long.
-%
-Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will
-be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients.
-%
-Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
-%
-Any technical problem can be overcome given enough
-time and money.
-
-You are never given enough time or money.
-%
-Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of
-approximate, additional assumptions.
-%
-Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
-faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
-%
-Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath
-to the exact center.
-%
-Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
-%
-Anyone who follows a crowd will
-never be followed by a crowd.
-%
-Anything good in life either causes cancer in
-laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality.
-%
-Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
-%
-Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
-%
-Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
-talking about.
-%
-Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
-%
-Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than
-you thought.
-%
-As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
-%
-Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
-%
-Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
-%
-At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
-the aisle arrive last.
-%
-At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
-%
-At the end of the semester you will recall having
-enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester
--- and never attending.
-%
-Authorization for a project will be granted only when
-none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project
-fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit
-if it succeeds.
-%
-Automotive engine repairing law:
-If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
-%
-Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.
-%
-Bad news drives good news out of the media.
-%
-Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always
-point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
-%
-Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
-%
-Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is,
-(1) positive, or
-(2) negative.
-If both answers are the same, don't do the test.
-%
-Beware of the physician who is great at getting
-out of trouble.
-%
-Blessed are those who go around in circles,
-for they shall be known as wheels.
-%
-Blessed is he who expects no gratitude,
-for he shall not be disappointed.
-%
-Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and
-knows it for he shall enjoy living.
-%
-Build a system that even a fool can use,
-and only a fool will use it.
-%
-Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros.
-%
-Can't produces countercan't.
-%
-Capitalism can exist in one of only two states:
-welfare or warfare.
-%
-Celibacy is not hereditary.
-%
-Class schedules are designed so that every student will
-waste the maximum time between classes.
-%
-Cleanliness is next to impossible.
-%
-Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce
-multiple interpretations.
-%
-"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and
-thermonuclear devices.
-%
-Common sense is not so common.
-%
-Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand
-wrong answers.
-%
-Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function.
-%
-Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes.
-%
-Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
-a number and then give it back to them.
-%
-Consumer assistance doesn't.
-%
-Cop-out number 1.
-You should have seen it when I got it.
-%
-Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the
-cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the
-cost of a new washer by .75.
-%
-Create problems for which only you have the answer.
-%
-Definition of an elephant:
-A mouse built to government specifications.
-%
-Democracy is that form of government where
-everybody gets what the majority deserves.
-%
-Despite the sign that says "wet paint",
-please don't.
-%
-Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
-%
-Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.
-%
-Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut.
-%
-Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it.
-%
-Don't fight with a bear in his own cage.
-%
-Don't force it,
-get a bigger hammer.
-%
-Don't let your superiors know you're better than
-they are.
-%
-Don't look back, something may be gaining on you.
-%
-Don't make your doctor your heir.
-%
-Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
-%
-Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
-%
-Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your
-own.
-%
-Don't stop to stomp on ants
-when the elephants are stampeding.
-%
-During the time an item is on back-order, it will be
-available cheaper and quicker from many other sources.
-%
-Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
-%
-Easy doesn't do it.
-%
-Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
-worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
-%
-Entropy has us outnumbered.
-%
-Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick
-them will stick to other things when you don't want
-them to.
-%
-Even paranoids have enemies.
-%
-Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders.
-%
-Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or
-exceeding the greatness of the idea.
-%
-Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
-%
-Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since
-nobody listens.
-%
-Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time.
-%
-Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were
-passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing
-out sleeping pills.
-%
-Everybody's gotta be someplace.
-%
-Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment
-to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
-%
-Everyone gets away with something.
-No one gets away with everything.
-%
-Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
-%
-Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
-plunge into the Atlantic ocean.
-%
-Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
-%
-Everything is contagious.
-%
-Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones.
-(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.)
-%
-Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please.
-%
-Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
-%
-Everything takes longer than you expect.
-%
-Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the
-scoreboard or out buying a hot dog.
-%
-Fact is solidified opinion.
-%
-Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure.
-%
-Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed
-talent.
-%
-Flynn is dead
-Tron is dead
-long live the MCP.
-%
-Fools rush in -- and get the best seats.
-%
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite
-criticism.
-%
-For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
-%
-For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap.
-%
-For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution --
-and it is always wrong.
-%
-For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
-%
-Forgive and remember.
-%
-Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse
-proportion to their soundness and validity.
-%
-Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-%
-Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the
-embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
-%
-Go where the money is.
-%
-He who dies with the most toys wins.
-%
-He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
-the next freeway exit.
-%
-He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke.
-%
-He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife.
-%
-Hindsight is an exact science.
-%
-History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely
-repeat each other.
-%
-History proves nothing.
-%
-History repeats itself.
-that's one of the things wrong with history.
-%
-Hockey is a game played by six good players and the
-home team.
-%
-Hollerith got us into this hole mess!
-%
-Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
-%
-How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented?
-%
-How do they know no two snowflakes are alike?
-%
-How long a minute is depends on which side of the
-bathroom door you're on.
-%
-I can only please one person per day.
-Today is not your day.
-(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.)
-%
-I finally got it all together...
-but I forgot where I put it.
-%
-I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere.
-%
-I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,
-when you looked at it in the right way, did not become
-still more complicated.
- -- Poul Anderson
-%
-I know you believe you understand
- what you think I said,
- however, I am not sure you realize,
- that what I think you heard
- is not what I meant
-%
-I no longer get lost in the shuffle....
-I shuffle along with the lost.
-%
-I think ... therefore I am confused.
-%
-If a program is useful, it will be changed.
-%
-If a program is useless, it will be documented.
-%
-If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will
-become central to his theory.
-
-His theory, in turn, will become central to all
-scientific truth.
-%
-If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in
-the worst possible sequence.
-%
-If a situation requires undivided attention, it will
-occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.
-%
-If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two
-data points.
-%
-If a thing is done wrong often enough
-it becomes right.
-%
-If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong
-equipment.
-%
-If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be
-implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
-%
-If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet
-it's not $19.95.
-%
-If anything can go wrong, it will.
-%
-If anything can't go wrong it will.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
-%
-If at first you don't succeed,
-blame it on your supervisor.
-%
-If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled
-exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance
-is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you
-have never seen before.
-%
-If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.
-%
-If everything is coming your way, you're in the
-wrong lane.
-%
-If everything seems to be going well,
-you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
-%
-If facts do not conform to the theory,
-they must be disposed of.
-%
-If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant.
-%
-If it can be borrowed and it can be broken,
-you will borrow it and
-you will break it.
-%
-If it happens, it must be possible.
-%
-If it jams --- force it. If it breaks,
-it needed replacing anyway.
-%
-If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just
-become the expert.
-%
-If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know
-what people are undecided about.
-%
-If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company
-will insist upon repairing the old one.
-%
-If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the
-company will insist on the latest model.
-%
-If it's clean, it isn't laundry.
-%
-If it's good, they discontinue it.
-%
-If it's good they will stop making it.
-%
-If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
-%
-If more than one person is responsible for a
-miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
-%
-If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will.
-%
-If not controlled, work will flow to the competent
-man until he submerges.
-%
-If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that
-something will go wrong,
-It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
-%
-If one views his problem closely enough he will
-recognize himself as part of the problem.
-%
-If only one price can be obtained for any quotation,
-the price will be unreasonable.
-%
-If opportunity came disguised as temptation,
-one knock would be enough.
-%
-If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of
-change will exceed the rate of progress.
-%
-If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the
-test only once.
-%
-If several things that could have gone wrong have not
-gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial
-for them to have gone wrong.
-%
-If the assumptions are wrong,
-the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
-%
-If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students
-you will be the 'n + 1' to apply.
-%
-If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing
-in the first place.
-%
-If there are only two shows worth watching, they will
-be on together.
-%
-If there isn't a law, there will be.
-%
-If there was any justice in this world, people would
-occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons.
-%
-If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
-%
-If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
-%
-If we learn by our mistakes,
-I'm getting one hell of an education!!
-%
-If you allow someone to get in front of you either:
-(1) The car in front will be the last one over a
- railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting
- for a long, slow-moving train; or
-(2) you both will have the same destination and the
- other car will get the last parking space.
-%
-If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue
-digging.
-%
-If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget
-your book.
-If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
-where you live.
-%
-If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe,
-there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If
-you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.
-%
-If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house
-will have it back-ordered.
-%
-If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the
-tool to get it off.
-%
-If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
-theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.
-%
-If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-%
-If you can't measure it, I'm not interested.
-%
-If you can't measure output then you measure input.
-%
-If you change lines, the one you just left will start
-to move faster than the one you are now in.
-%
-If you do something right once, someone will ask
-you to do it again.
-%
-If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
-%
-If you don't like the answer,
-you shouldn't have asked the question.
-%
-If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
-%
-If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive
-your order.
-If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before
-your angry letter reaches its destination.
-%
-If you fool around with a thing for very long you will
-screw it up.
-%
-If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he
-will find an easier way to do it.
-%
-If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
-%
-If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough
-chances are someone else will do it for you.
-%
-If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
-%
-If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two
-new parking spaces right in front of the building
-entrance.
-%
-If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
-it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
-%
-If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember
-you - the next time he's in need.
-%
-If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always
-manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
-%
-If you know, you can't say.
-%
-If you leave the room, you're elected.
-%
-If you lived here you'd be home now.
-%
-If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time,
-you better wear work shoes.
-%
-If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent
-of doing you good, you should run for your life.
-%
-If you see that there are four possible ways in which a
-procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a
-fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
-%
-If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are
-either a nitwit or a repairman.
-%
-If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
-%
-If you wait, it will go away
-... having done it's damage.
-If it was bad, it'll be back.
-%
-If you want to get along, go along.
-%
-If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
-%
-If your condition seems to be getting better, it's
-probably your doctor getting sick.
-%
-If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is
-because of something left out, rather than added.
-%
-If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
-%
-If you're early, it'll be canceled.
-If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will
- have to wait.
-If you're late, you will be too late.
-%
-If you're feeling good, don't worry,
-you'll get over it.
-%
-If you're wondering if you have enough money to take
-the family out to eat tonight, you don't.
-%
-If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot
-plugged in, you did.
-%
-If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up
-bread and eggs on the way home, you do.
-%
-If you're wondering if you took the meat out to
-thaw, you didn't.
-%
-If you're worried about being crazy,
-don't be overly concerned:
-If you were, you would think you were sane.
-%
-If you've got them by the balls,
-their hearts and minds will follow.
-%
-Ignorance should be painful.
-%
-Important letters which contain no errors will develop
-errors in the mail.
-%
-In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the
-organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law,
-the Peter Principle, etc.
-%
-In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book,
-the most vital measurement will be illegible.
-%
-In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level,
-the greater the confusion.
-%
-In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies
-inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty
-of the task.
-%
-In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine
-times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor
-where you are not.
-%
-In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend
-more and more time reporting on the less and less you
-are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of
-your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
-%
-In any dealings with a collective body of people, the
-people will always be more tacky than originally expected.
-%
-In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level
-of incompetence, and then remains there.
-%
-In any household, junk accumulates to the space
-available for its storage.
-%
-In any organization there will always be one person
-who knows what is going on.
-This person must be fired.
-%
-In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur
-at the opposite end to the end at which you begin
-checking for errors.
-%
-In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
-%
-In order for something to become clean, something
-else must become dirty.
-... but you can get everything dirty without getting
-anything clean.
-%
-In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
-%
-Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
-%
-Indecision is the basis for flexibility.
-%
-Indifference is the only sure defense.
-%
-Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies.
-%
-Information travels more surely to those with a
-lesser need to know.
-%
-Inside every large program
-is a small program struggling to get out.
-%
-Interchangeable parts --- won't.
-%
-It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
-%
-It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick
-up something from the floor while you get up.
-%
-It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex
-task to make them simple.
-%
-It is better for civilization to be going down the drain,
-than to be coming up it.
-%
-It is better to be part of the idle rich class
-than be part of the idle poor class.
-%
-It is better to solve a problem with a crude
-approximation and know the truth, than to demand an
-exact solution and not know the truth at all.
-%
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-%
-It is far better to do nothing than to do
-something efficiently.
- -- Siezbo
-%
-It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly
-surprised.
-%
-It is impossible to build a fool proof system;
-because fools are so ingenious.
-%
-It is ok to be ignorant in some areas,
-but some people abuse the privilege.
-%
-It takes longer to glue a vase together than to
-break one.
-%
-It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than
-to gain 'x' number of pounds.
-%
-It the shoe fits, it's ugly.
-%
-It works better if you plug it in.
-%
-It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time.
-%
-It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
- -- Alex Clark
-%
-It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is
-from the top.
-%
-It's better to retire too soon than too late.
-%
-It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one
-who's redundant.
-%
-Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet
-somebody moves the ends!
-%
-Just because you are paranoid
-doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you.
-%
-Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
-doesn't mean he knows what it is.
-%
-Just when you get really good at something,
-you don't need to do it anymore.
-%
-Justice always prevails...
-three times out of seven.
-%
-Keep emotionally active,
-cater to your favorite neurosis.
-%
-King Arthur ran the first knight club.
-%
-Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ...
-you have to blow your nose.
-%
-Law expands in proportion to the resources available
-for its enforcement.
-%
-Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
-%
-Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!!
-%
-Leakproof seals --- will.
-%
-Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
-%
-Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
-%
-Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
-%
-Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to
-lick it.
-%
-Liquidity tends to run out.
-%
-Live within your income,
-even if you have to borrow to do so.
-%
-Magellan was the first strait man.
-%
-Make it possible for programmers to write programs
-in English and you will find that programmers cannot
-write in English.
-%
-Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will
-establish yourself as an expert.
-%
-Management can't.
-%
-Mass man must be serviced by mass means.
-%
-Misery no longer loves company
-nowadays it insists on it.
-%
-Most people want to be delivered from temptation but
-would like it to keep in touch.
-%
-Most projects require three hands.
-%
-Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any
-function adequately.
-%
-Murphy's rule for precision:
- Measure with a micrometer
- Mark with chalk
- Cut with an axe
-%
-Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-%
-Nature is a mother.
-%
-Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
-%
-Never admit anything.
-Never regret anything
-whatever it is, you're not responsible.
-%
-Never argue with a fool,
-people might not know the difference.
-%
-Never argue with an artist.
-%
-Never be first to do anything.
-%
-Never create a problem for which you do not have
-the answer.
-%
-Never eat prunes when you are famished.
-%
-Never get excited about a blind date because of how
-it sounds over the phone.
-%
-Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- -- Erma Bombeck
-%
-Never insult an alligator
-until after you have crossed the river.
-%
-Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold
-of something else.
-%
-Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
-%
-Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
-%
-Never offend people with style
-when you can offend them with substance.
-%
-Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger.
-%
-Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
-%
-Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
-%
-Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
-%
-Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
-%
-Never test for an error condition you don't know
-how to handle.
-%
-Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig
-likes it!
-%
-New systems generate new problems.
-%
-No experiment is ever a complete failure.
-It can always be used as a bad example.
-%
-No good deed goes unpunished.
- -- Clare Boothe Luce
-%
-No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets,
-with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the
-first.
-%
-No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
-%
-No matter how large the work space, if two projects
-must be done at the same time they will require the
-same part of the work space.
-%
-No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after
-you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
-%
-No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end
-up covered with grease and motor oil.
-%
-No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock
-once you have reached the furthest point from port
-the wind will die.
-%
-No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody
-who knew it would.
-%
-No matter what happens, there is always somebody
-who knew that it would.
-%
-No matter what they're talking about, they're
-talking about money.
-%
-No matter what they're telling you, they're not
-telling you the whole truth.
-%
-No matter which direction you start,
-it's always against the wind coming back.
-%
-No news is ... impossible.
-%
-No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made
-but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones.
-%
-No one's life, liberty, or property are safe
-while the legislature is in session.
-%
-No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug
-a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even
-harder to find.
-%
-Nobody notices when things go right.
-%
-Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls.
-%
-Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
-%
-Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
-%
-Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
-%
-Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by
-firing the coach.
-%
-Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
-%
-Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have
-to do it himself/herself.
-%
-Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception
-of discount-priced fruitcakes.
-%
-Of two possible events,
-only the undesired one will occur.
-%
-Office machines which function perfectly during normal
-business hours will break down when you return to the
-office at night to use them for personal business.
-%
-Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
-%
-Old programmers never die - they just abend.
-%
-On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone
-can be unhappy -- but we will work on it.
-%
-On a clear disk, you can seek forever.
-%
-On successive charts of the same organization, the number of
-boxes will never decrease.
-%
-Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it
-only makes it worse.
-%
-One man's error is another man's data.
-%
-One place where you're sure to find the perfect
-driver is in the back seat.
-%
-Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
-%
-Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
-%
-Only errors exist.
-%
-Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune
-moment.
-%
-Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting.
-
-Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.
-%
-Our customers' paperwork is profit.
-Our own paperwork is loss.
-%
-People are promoted not by what they can do, but what
-people think they can do.
-%
-People can be divided into three groups:
-Those who make things happen,
-Those who watch things happen and
-Those who wonder what happened.
-%
-People don't change; they only become more so.
-%
-People in systems do not do what the systems say
-they are doing.
-%
-People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
-remind them of someone else.
-%
-People who love sausage and respect the law should
-never watch either one being made.
-%
-People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell
-them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
-%
-People will believe anything if you whisper it.
-%
-People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
-%
-Performance is directly affected by the perversity of
-inanimate objects.
-%
-Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over
-experience.
-%
-Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional
-and employ faulty reasoning.
-%
-Pills to be taken in twos always come
-out of the bottle in threes.
-%
-Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition!
-%
-Possessions increase to fill the space available for
-their storage.
-%
-Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability
-of the programmer who must maintain it.
-%
-Program design philosophy:
-
- Start at the beginning and continue until the end,
- then stop.
- -- Lewis Carroll
-%
-Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is
-wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing
-a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
-%
-Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
-%
-Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary
-drivel off the TV screen.
-%
-Quit while you're still behind.
-%
-RACF is a four letter word.
-%
-Real programmers always have a better idea.
-%
-Real programmers are kind to rookies.
-%
-Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code,
-which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.
-%
-Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a
-matter of principle.
-%
-Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and
-binary math in their heads.
-%
-Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP
-situations.
-%
-Real programmers do not document.
-Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or
-object code.
-%
-Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the
-vending machines.
-%
-Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before
-walkthroughs.
-%
-Real programmers do not read books like
-"effective listening" and "communication skills".
-%
-Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated
-decibel level.
-%
-Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers.
-%
-Real programmers don't announce how many times the
-operations department called them last night.
-%
-Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard
-to write, it should be hard to understand.
-%
-Real programmers don't dress for success unless
-they are trying to convince others that they are
-going on interviews.
-%
-Real programmers don't eat muffins.
-%
-Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real
-programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat
-Twinkies and szechuan food.
-%
-Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages
-of Cobol when they don't know any other language.
-%
-Real programmers don't notch their desks for each
-completed service request.
-%
-Real programmers don't number paragraph names
-consecutively.
-%
-Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport
-that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is
-O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work
-in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle
-of the machine room.
-%
-Real programmers don't play video games, they write them.
-%
-Real programmers don't write applications programs; they
-program right down on the bare metal. Application
-programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
-%
-Real programmers don't write COBOL.
-COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
-%
-Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no
-programmers write in Basic after age 12.
-%
-Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or
-any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong
-typing is for people with weak memories.
-%
-Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for
-programmers who can't decide whether to write in
-COBOL or Fortran.
-%
-Real programmers don't write memos.
-%
-Real programmers don't write specs -- users should
-consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and
-take what they get.
-%
-Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will
-always seem tense and overworked.
-%
-Real programmers have read the standards manual
-but won't admit it.
-%
-Real programmers know it's not operations'
-fault if their jobs go into "hogs".
-%
-Real programmers know what saad means.
-%
-Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real
-programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they
-were up all night.
-%
-Real programmers print only clean compiles,
-fixing all errors through the terminal.
-%
-Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But
-if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into
-working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
-%
-Real programmers punch up their own programs.
-%
-Real programmers understand Pascal.
-%
-Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure
-%
-Return on investments won't.
-%
-Roses are red violets are blue
-I am schizophrenic and so am I
-%
-Sale promotions don't.
-%
-Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
-%
-Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
-%
-Security isn't.
-%
-Self starters --- won't.
-%
-Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll
-show you somebody who's never achieved much.
-%
-Simple jobs always get put off because there will be
-time to do them later.
-%
-Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink,
-some prefer to just gargle.
-%
-Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book
-is in print.
-%
-Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
-%
-Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and
-for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway.
-%
-Success can be insured only by devising a defense against
-failure of the contingency plan.
-%
-Superiority is recessive.
-%
-Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied.
-%
-Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach.
-%
-Talent in staff work or sales will continually be
-interpreted as managerial ability.
-%
-Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
-%
-That component of any circuit which has the shortest
-service life will be placed in the least
-accessible location.
-%
-The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely
-proportional to the subject's true value.
-%
-The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number
-and experience of the people you have on board.
-%
-The best shots are generally attempted through the
-lens cap.
-%
-The best shots happen immediately after the last
-frame is exposed.
-%
-The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal
-the letter.
-%
-The best way to lie is to tell the truth.....
-carefully edited truth.
-%
-The big guys always win.
-%
-The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
-%
-The boss who attempts to impress employees with his
-knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his
-final objective.
-%
-The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered
-side down is directly proportional to the cost of the
-carpet.
-%
-The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely
-proportional to the number of other people who are in
-a position to do it instead.
-%
-The chief cause of problems is solutions.
- -- Eric Sevareid
-%
-The client who pays the least complains the most
-%
-The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the
-more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of
-the situation.
-%
-The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week
-after you've made your purchase:
-
-(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable".
-(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy".
-%
-The cream rises to the top.
-So does the scum.
-%
-The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by
-the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file.
-%
-The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs.
-%
-The distance to the gate is inversely proportional
-to the time available to catch your flight.
-%
-The early worm deserves the bird.
-%
-The easiest way to find something lost around the house
-is to buy a replacement.
-%
-The faster the plane,
-the narrower the seats.
-%
-The feasibility of an operation is not the best
-indication for its performance.
-%
-The final test is when it goes production ...
-w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ...
-w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t
-w h e n i t g o e s p r o
-%
-The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the
-time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
-%
-The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly
-in front of your eyes.
-%
-The first insurance agent was David -
-he gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
-%
-The first myth of management is that it exists
-the second myth of management is that success equals skill.
-%
-The first page the author turns to upon receiving an
-advance copy will be the page containing the worst
-error.
-%
-The first place to look for anything is the last place
-you would expect to find it.
-%
-The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to
-save all of the parts.
-%
-The first time is for love.
-The next time is $200.
-%
-The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the
-greater the number of dead and injured required for it
-to become a story.
-%
-The further you are from the facts of a situation,
-the more you tend to believe news coverage of the
-situation.
-%
-The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation,
-the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even
-if it subsequently becomes irrelevant.
-%
-The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached
-to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
-%
-The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
-%
-The higher the level of prestige accorded the people
-behind the plan, the least less chance there is of
-abandoning it.
-%
-The inside contact that you have developed at great
-expense is the first person to be let go in any
-reorganization.
-%
-The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in
-will be taken by the person in front of you.
-%
-The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found
-in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
-%
-The last person who quit or was fired will be held
-responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until
-the next person quits or is fired.
-%
-The least experienced fisherman always catches the
-biggest fish.
-%
-The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
-to the amount spent on the wedding.
-%
-The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely
-with its price and directly with its ugliness.
-%
-The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva
-nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel
-as a darkroom.
-%
-The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of
-an oncoming train.
-%
-The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.
-%
-The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
-but the calf won't get much sleep.
-%
-The longer the title the less important the job.
-%
-The longer you wait in line, the greater the
-likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
-%
-The love letter you finally got the courage to send
-will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to
-make a fool of yourself in person.
-%
-The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of
-someone he can blame it on.
-%
-The man who has no more problems is out of the game.
-%
-The meek shall inherit the earth,
-but not its mineral rights.
-%
-The meek will inherit the earth
-after the rest of us go to the stars.
-%
-The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the
-waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for
-your scheduled appointment.
-%
-The more carefully you plan a project, the more
-confusion there is when something goes wrong.
-%
-The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the
-greater the chance of failure.
-%
-The more directives you issue to solve a problem,
-the worse it gets.
-%
-The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater
-the chance of having to stop at the fish market
-on the way home.
-%
-The more expensive the gadget, the less often you
-will use it.
-%
-The more general the title of a course, the less
-you will learn from it.
-%
-The more ridiculous a belief system,
-the higher probability of its success.
-%
-The more specific the title of a course, the less you
-will be able to apply it later.
-%
-The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure
-you are as to which answer they want.
-%
-The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal
-the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire
-meal discussing other meals they have had.
-%
-The most important item in an order will no longer
-be available.
-%
-The most interesting specimen will not be labeled.
-%
-The most valuable quotation will be the one for which
-you cannot determine the source.
-%
-The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.
-%
-The mountain looks closer than it is.
-%
-The one course you must take to graduate will not be
-offered during your last semester.
-%
-The one day you'd sell your soul for something,
-souls are a glut.
-%
-The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store
-to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.
-%
-The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
-%
-The one time in the day that you lean back and relax
-is the one time the boss walks through the office.
-%
-The one who least wants to play is the one who will win.
-%
-The one who snores will fall asleep first.
-%
-The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one
-missing from the tool chest.
-%
-The one you want is never the one on sale.
-%
-The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo.
-%
-The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled.
-%
-The only way to make up for being lost is to make
-record time while you are lost.
-%
-The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
-%
-The organization of any program reflects the organization
-of the people who developed it.
-%
-The other line always moves faster.
-%
-The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk
-to the other end of the building.
-%
-The pills to be taken with meals will be the least
-appetizing ones.
-%
-The primary function of the design engineer is to make
-things difficult for the fabricator and impossible
-for the serviceman.
-%
-The probability of a cat eating its dinner has
-absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food
-placed before it.
-%
-The probability of anything happening is in
-inverse ratio to its desirability.
-%
-The probability of meeting someone you know increases
-when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
-%
-The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss
-to go in or out is directly proportional to the number
-and importance of your dinner guests.
-%
-The quality of correlation is inversely proportional
-to the density of control.
-%
-The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to
-try on a new shirt.
-%
-The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle
-to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
-%
-The radiologists' national flower is the hedge.
-%
-The ratio of time involved in work to time available for
-work is usually about 0.6
-%
-The repairman will never have seen a model quite like
-yours before.
-%
-The road to hell is paved with good intentions
-and littered with sloppy analyses!
-%
-The rotten egg will be the one you break into the
-cake batter.
-%
-The scratch on the record is always through the song
-you like most.
-%
-The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake
-that you've got it made.
-%
-The severity of an itch is inversely proportional
-to the reach.
-%
-The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the
-more difficult it will be to open the package.
-%
-The six steps of program management are:
-(1) Wild enthusiasm
-(2) Disenchantment
-(3) Total confusion
-(4) Search for guilty
-(5) Punishment for the innocent
-(6) Promotion of the non-participants
-%
-The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out
-lane.
-%
-The source for an unattributed quotation will appear
-in the most hostile review of your work.
-%
-The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional
-to the length of the passing zone.
-%
-The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on
-the other side.
-%
-The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of
-junk food available.
-%
-The success of any venture will be helped by prayer,
-even in the wrong denomination.
-%
-The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
-%
-The system itself does not do what it says it is doing.
-%
-The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque,
-campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies
-directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke.
-%
-The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his
-subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
-%
-The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing
-season draws nearer.
-%
-The time it takes to rectify a situation is
-inversely proportional to the time it took
-to do the damage.
-%
-The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted.
-%
-The TV show you've been looking forward to all week
-will be preempted.
-%
-The usefulness of any meeting
-is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
-%
-The value of a program is proportional
-to the weight of its output.
-%
-The worse your line is tangled, the better is the
-fishing around you.
-%
-The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there.
-%
-The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you
-get back.
-%
-Them what gets--has.
-%
-There are no winners in life: Only survivors.
-%
-There are some things which are impossible to know -
-but it is impossible to know these things.
-%
-There are three ways to get things done:
- (1) Do it yourself,
- (2) Hire someone to do it, or
- (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
-%
-There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't
-stay on and that which won't come off.
-%
-There is a solution to every problem;
-the only difficulty is finding it.
-%
-There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry.
-%
-There is always one more bug.
-%
-There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
-%
-There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist",
-only a capitalist.
-%
-There is no such thing as a straight line.
-%
-There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
-%
-There's never time to do it right, but there's always
-time to do it over.
-%
-There's no time like the present for postponing
-what you don't want to do.
-%
-Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
-%
-Things get worse under pressure.
-%
-This space for rent.
-%
-Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
-%
-Those with the best advice offer no advice.
-%
-Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion
-to time spent preparing it.
-%
-To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is
-even more human.
-%
-To err is human, but to really foul things up requires
-a computer.
-%
-To err is human, to forgive is divine --
-but to forget it altogether is humane.
-%
-To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
-%
-To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
-%
-To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job
-will take the longest and cost the most.
-%
-Trial balances don't.
-%
-Truth is elastic.
-%
-Unless the results are known in advance, funding
-agencies will reject the proposal.
-%
-Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man
-in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially
-not symbolically.
-%
-Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation
-for being useful.
-%
-Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
-spontaneously moving from where you left them to where
-you can't find them.
-%
-Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.
-%
-Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
-%
-"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching
-one overhead.
-%
-Whatever can go to New York, will.
-%
-Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will
-come in on another one.
-%
-Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest
-number must happen.
-%
-Whatever happens to you, it will previously have
-happened to everyone you know only more so.
-%
-Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
-%
-Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch.
-%
-When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman,
-it will work perfectly.
-%
-When a distinguished scientist states something is possible,
-he is almost certainly right. When he states that
-something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
-%
-When a student asks for a second time if you have read
-his book report, he did not read the book.
-%
-When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does
-not understand, his work will be understood only by
-readers who know more about that subject than he does.
-%
-When all else fails, read the instructions.
-%
-When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation,
-responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom.
-%
-When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble.
-%
-When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
-%
-When in doubt, mumble.
-When in trouble, delegate.
-When in charge, ponder.
-%
-When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.
-%
-When in trouble, obfuscate.
-%
-When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
-%
-When more and more people are thrown out of work,
-unemployment results.
-%
-When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used
-interchangeably.
-%
-When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough
-the public will not have enough stake in any one
-expenditure to squelch it.
-%
-When properly administered, vacations do not diminish
-productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing
-done, there is another week when your boss is away and you
-get twice as much done.
-%
-When putting it into memory, remember where you put it.
-%
-When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most
-important ones will be illegible.
-%
-When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it
-around instead of picking it up.
-%
-When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
- -- Lynch
-%
-When the government bureau's remedies do not match your
-problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
-%
-When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you
-becomes a hammer.
-%
-When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system
-will perform perfectly.
-%
-When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
-%
-When things are going well, someone will inevitably
-experiment detrimentally.
-%
-When things are going well, something will go wrong.
-When things just can't get any worse, they will.
-When things appear to be going better you have overlooked
-something.
-%
-When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves
-markedly the day after one has purchased foreign
-currency.
-
-Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as
-soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency.
-%
-When we try to pick out anything by itself we find
-it hitched to everything else in the universe.
-%
-When working toward the solution of a problem,
-it always helps if you know the answer.
-Provided of course you know there is a problem.
-%
-When you are able to schedule two classes in a row,
-they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of
-the campus.
-%
-When you are right be logical,
-when you are wrong be-fuddle.
-%
-When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty
-to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.
-%
-When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's
-sad to know that only one is called the happy hour.
-%
-When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal
-%
-When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
-%
-When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the
-world's composed of aluminum and vinyl.
-%
-When your opponent is down, kick him.
-%
-When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn
-green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.
-%
-Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team,
-he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless
-no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.
-%
-Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a
-need for them an hour later.
-%
-Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.
-%
-Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today!
-%
-Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet
-reached their level of incompetence.
-%
-Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the
-water that keeps it green.
-%
-Workers won't.
-%
-Working capital doesn't.
-%
-Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the
-first objective of communication -- informing
-the uninformed.
-%
-You are always complimented on the item which took the
-least effort to prepare.
-
-Example:
- If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be
- complimented on the baked potato.
-%
-You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without
-holding on.
-%
-You can always find what you're not looking for.
-%
-You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
-float on his back, you've really got something.
-%
-You can never do just one thing.
- -- Hardin
-%
-You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill
-how hard?
-Hard enough to make water run uphill.
-%
-You can't expect to hit the jackpot
-if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
-%
-You can't fix it if it ain't broke.
-%
-You can't guard against the arbitrary.
-%
-You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
-%
-You don't have to be crazy to work here
-but it sure helps!!!!!!!
-%
-You may be recognized soon.
-Hide!
-If they find you, lie.
-%
-You may know where the market is going, but you can't
-possibly know where it's going after that.
-%
-You never have the right number of pills left on the
-last day of a prescription.
-%
-You never know who's right, but you always know
-who's in charge.
-%
-You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to
-be an average consumer.
-%
-You will always find something in the last place you look.
-%
-You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash
-when the garbage truck is two doors away.
-%
-You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you
-don't burn your bridges until you come to them.
-%
-You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you
-gotta suit up for them all.
-%
+++ /dev/null
-%%$FreeBSD$
-%
-All probabilities are 50%: either a thing will
-happen or it won't.
-
-This is especially true when dealing with women.
-
-Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
-%
-Early to rise and early to bed makes a male
-healthy and wealthy and dead.
-%
-It's always the wrong time of the month.
-%
-Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
-%
-One's life tends to be like a beaver's,
-one dam thing after another.
-%
-Pity the poor egg;
-It only gets laid once in its life.
-%
-Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on
-Sunday pray for crop failure.
-%
-When you're up to your nose in shit,
-be sure to keep your mouth shut.
-%
-You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
-%
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-abend
-ACF
-barbeque
-Carroll
-Chevrolets
-countercan't
-crabgrass
-DP
-feebs
-Freud's
-fruitcakes
-gotta
-headlamp
-IQ
-IRS
-l'orange
-MCP
-Murphy's
-paranoids
-plumber's
-postmortems
-Poul
-profanities
-RACF
-radiologists
-roccoco
-saad
-Siezbo
-simps
-Souffles
-subordinate's
-superstar
-szechuan
-Twinkies
-walkthroughs
+++ /dev/null
-%% $FreeBSD$
-%
- "... freedom ... is a worship word..."
- "It is our worship word too."
- -- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
- "Beauty is transitory."
- "Beauty survives."
- -- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
-%
- "Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
-with jealousy, greed, hate ..."
- "It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness,
-sentiment -- the other side of the coin"
- -- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk,
- "What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4
-%
- "Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
- "Or by misleading the innocent."
- -- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
- stardate 5029.5.
-%
- "Get back to your stations!"
- "We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
- -- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
- stardate 3417.3
-%
- "I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now
-on war and death --"
- "And make them spend it on life."
- -- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
- stardate unknown.
-%
- "It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
-felt can do so much harm."
- "That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's
-what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."
- -- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
-%
- "Life and death are seldom logical."
- "But attaining a desired goal always is."
- -- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
-%
- "Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
- "You admit that?"
- "To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
- -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
-%
- "No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
- "He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
- -- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
- stardate 5906.5.
-%
- "That unit is a woman."
- "A mass of conflicting impulses."
- -- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
-%
- "The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
- "Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
- -- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
-%
- "The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
- "And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and
-beauty."
- -- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock,
- "Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8
-%
- "The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy. Emotionally
-healthy."
- "That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy
-release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
- -- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
-%
- "There's only one kind of woman ..."
- "Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or
-you don't."
- -- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
-%
- "We have the right to survive!"
- "Not by killing others."
- -- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
-%
- "What a terrible way to die."
- "There are no good ways."
- -- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
-%
- "What happened to the crewman?"
- "The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely
-got in the way."
- -- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
- stardate 4731.3.
-%
-... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
-enough to play around with that.
- -- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
-... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get
-to know each other.
- -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
-%
-... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
-miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
-failures and the glorious victories.
- -- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
-%
-A father doesn't destroy his children.
- -- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
- stardate 3468.1.
-%
-A little suffering is good for the soul.
- -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
-%
-A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and
-licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
- -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
-%
-A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect
-her.
- -- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3
-%
-A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even
-his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
- -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
-A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without
-breathing.
- -- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
-%
-A woman should have compassion.
- -- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
-%
-Actual war is a very messy business. Very, very messy business.
- -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
-%
-After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,
-after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true.
- -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
-%
-All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
- -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
-%
-Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be
-located on a natural invasion route.
- -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4
-%
-Another dream that failed. There's nothing sadder.
- -- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
-%
-Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost
-in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ...
- -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
- -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-Blast medicine anyway! We've learned to tie into every organ in the
-human body but one. The brain! The brain is what life is all about.
- -- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
-%
-But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected ... we may not be
-able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a
-dent in it.
- -- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
-%
-Change is the essential process of all existence.
- -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
-%
-Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had. Maybe it's
-the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
- -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to
-serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one
-man. And nothing can replace it or him.
- -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
-%
-Conquest is easy. Control is not.
- -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
-%
-Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about.
-That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
- -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
-%
-Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
- -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
-%
-Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the
-whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel
-like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels?
- -- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
-%
-Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
-her by ..." You could feel the wind at your back, about you ... the
-sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and
-the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours ... you can feel her
-... and the stars are still there.
- -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
-%
-[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers
--- the living and the dying.
- -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
-%
-Each kiss is as the first.
- -- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome",
- stardate 4842.6
-%
-Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
- -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
-%
-Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not.
- -- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
-%
-Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist.
- -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
-%
-Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same
-mistakes.
- -- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
-%
-Every living thing wants to survive.
- -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
- -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
-%
-Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
- -- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
- -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
-%
-First study the enemy. Seek weakness.
- -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
- -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say,
-"Today I will be brilliant."
- -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-He's dead, Jim
- -- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
-%
-History tends to exaggerate.
- -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
-%
-Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
- -- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6
-%
-I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become
-greater than the sum of both of us.
- -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
-%
-I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to
-any question.
- -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
-%
-I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without
-constructive purpose.
- -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
-%
-I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
-circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
-nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever
-logically needs to be done.
- -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
-%
-I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right,
-they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel
-it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
- -- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
-%
-If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
-tend to protect that child.
- -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
- -- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
-%
-If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
- -- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
-%
-If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
- -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
-%
-I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth.
- -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
-%
-I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
- -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-Immortality consists largely of boredom.
- -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even
-vegetarians.
- -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
-%
-Insufficient facts always invite danger.
- -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
-%
-Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
- -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
-%
-Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
- -- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
-%
-Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the
-learning of each other?
- -- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
- Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3.
-%
-Is truth not truth for all?
- -- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
- the Sky", stardate 5476.4.
-%
-It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is
-logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for
-personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
- -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
-%
-It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if
-they're attractive in some way.
- -- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
-%
-It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
- -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-It is necessary to have purpose.
- -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not
-hers.
- -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
-%
-It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.
- -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.3
-%
-It would be illogical to kill without reason
- -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
-%
-It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted
- -- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
-%
-I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise.
- -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
-%
-Killing is stupid; useless!
- -- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
-%
-Killing is wrong.
- -- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
-%
-Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
- -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-Landru! Guide us!
- -- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
-%
-Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
- -- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-Live long and prosper.
- -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
-%
-Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
- -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
- stardate unknown
-%
-Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
- -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3
-%
-Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.
- -- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
-%
-Many Myths are based on truth
- -- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3
-%
-Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.
- -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
-%
-Men of peace usually are [brave].
- -- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
-%
-Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
- -- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8
-%
-Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
- -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4
-%
-Most legends have their basis in facts.
- -- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
-%
-Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
- -- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
-%
-No more blah, blah, blah!
- -- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6
-%
-No one can guarantee the actions of another.
- -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.
- -- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
-%
-No one wants war.
- -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
-%
-No problem is insoluble.
- -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
-%
-Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
- -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
- -- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow",
- stardate 4770.3.
-%
-Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and
-it's still the same song.
- -- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
-%
-On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy. To me, it
-is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
-instead of saving it.
- -- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2
-%
-One does not thank logic.
- -- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
-%
-One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for
-advice without necessarily having to take it.
- -- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2
-%
-Only a fool fights in a burning house.
- -- Kang the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, it
-is only because we have no choice.
- -- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
-%
-Our way is peace.
- -- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses",
- stardate 4040.7.
-%
-Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.
- -- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
-%
-Peace was the way.
- -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
-%
-Power is danger.
- -- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
- -- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever",
- stardate unknown
-%
-Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become
-insensitive.
- -- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
-%
-Respect is a rational process
- -- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated to
-pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
- -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident",
- stardate 5027.3
-%
-Schshschshchsch.
- -- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2
-%
-Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
- -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
-%
-Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
- -- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
- stardate unknown.
-%
-Star Trek Lives!
-%
-Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
- -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8
-%
-Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
- -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
-%
-The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal
-than to kill.
- -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
-%
-The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiar
-pattern. We don't fear it as you do.
- -- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
- stardate 4041.2
-%
-The heart is not a logical organ.
- -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
-%
-The idea of male and female are universal constants.
- -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
- -- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8
-%
-The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often
-a noose.
- -- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2818.9
-%
-The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of
-play.
- -- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8
-%
-The only solution is ... a balance of power. We arm our side with
-exactly that much more. A balance of power -- the trickiest, most
-difficult, dirtiest game of them all. But the only one that preserves
-both sides.
- -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
-%
-The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. That
-the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of
-destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
-deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
- -- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
-%
-The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
- -- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
-%
-The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
- -- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
-%
-There are always alternatives.
- -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-There are certain things men must do to remain men.
- -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4
-%
-There are some things worth dying for.
- -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
-%
-There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face
-.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves
-as gods.
- -- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
-%
-There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
- -- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
-%
-There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's
-life, he is grateful.
- -- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War",
- stardate 4211.8.
-%
-There is an order of things in this universe.
- -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
-%
-There's a way out of any cage.
- -- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
- stardate unknown.
-%
-There's another way to survive. Mutual trust -- and help.
- -- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is
-nothing good in war. Except its ending.
- -- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
-%
-There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another
-life form, that's all. You get used to those things.
- -- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
-%
-This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
-realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
- -- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
-%
-Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not
-stopped.
- -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
-%
-Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
- -- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
-%
-To live is always desirable.
- -- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9
-%
-Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
- -- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
-%
-Totally illogical, there was no chance.
- -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
-%
-Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages. And we can all
-be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
- -- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
-%
-Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
- -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
-%
-Virtue is a relative term.
- -- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1
-%
-Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
- -- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
-%
-Vulcans do not approve of violence.
- -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
-%
-Vulcans never bluff.
- -- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1
-%
-Vulcans worship peace above all.
- -- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
-%
-Wait! You have not been prepared!
- -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
-%
-[War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human
-beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we
-can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
-to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to
-kill today!
- -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
-%
-War is never imperative.
- -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
-%
-War isn't a good life, but it's life.
- -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
-%
-We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for
-us.
- -- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
-%
-We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of
-peaceful contact.
- -- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3
-%
-We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior
-development.
- -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7
-%
-We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
- -- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
-%
-We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong
-should live.
- -- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
-%
-We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
-But when it comes to your job -- that's different. And it always will
-be different.
- -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
-%
-What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
- -- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
- stardate 3219.8
-%
-When a child is taught ... it's programmed with simple instructions --
-and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
-what it was taught, thinks independently.
- -- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
- stardate 4731.3.
-%
-When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,
-building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left
-behind by your ancestors. You just sit living and reliving other lives
-left behind in the thought records.
- -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
-%
-Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
- -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
-%
-Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya!
- -- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
-%
-Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely on
-your human intuition.
- -- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
-%
-Without followers, evil cannot spread.
- -- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
-%
-Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
- -- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
-%
-Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more
-sheer horror than the male of the species.
- -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
-%
-Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
- -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, "Where No Man Has Gone Before",
- stardate 1312.9.
-%
-Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a
-woman.
- -- Kirk, "Conscience of the King", stardate unknown
-%
-Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a
-woman.
- -- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
-%
-Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil.
- -- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
-%
-You! What PLANET is this?!
- -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
-%
-You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in
-command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
- -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
-%
-You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
- -- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries. But
-you imprison those who employ it privately.
- -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
-%
-You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you
-feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If
-the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
- -- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
-%
-You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're
-welcome," I believe, is the correct response.
- -- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
-%
-You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you
-are telling the truth. You cannot tell the truth because everything
-you say is a lie. You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for
-you lie.
- -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
-%
-You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference between
-courage and foolhardiness. Always it is the brave ones who die, the
-soldiers.
- -- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
- stardate 3201.7
-%
-You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
-to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
-to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot.
- -- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
-%
-You're dead, Jim.
- -- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
-%
-You're dead, Jim.
- -- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
-%
-You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman.
- -- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
-%
-Youth doesn't excuse everything.
- -- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder",
- stardate 5928.5.
-%
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-Adonais
-Amanda
-Apella
-Archons
-Armenia
-Atoz
-Capellan
-Catspaw
-Centurion
-Changeling
-Claudius
-Corbomite
-Corby
-Daystrom
-Deela
-Elaan
-Eleen
-Eneg
-Excalbia
-Galileo
-Gorn
-Gothos
-Hag
-Hedford
-Hodin
-Kang
-Kanuto
-Kelinda
-Kelvan
-Klingon
-Klingons
-Kor
-Kras
-Landru
-Losira
-Lt
-McHuron
-Miramanee
-Miri
-Mulhall's
-Natira
-Nomad
-Nona
-Noonian
-Palamas
-Parmen
-Phillip
-Priestess
-Proconsul
-Requiem
-Rojan
-Romulan
-Sarek
-Sargon
-Schshschshchsch
-Septimus
-Singh
-Sirah
-Spectre
-Spock
-Spock's
-Stepchildren
-Sulu
-Surak
-Thalassa
-Tholian
-Tribbles
-Triskelion
-Troglytes
-Troyius
-Vanna
-Vina
-Yarnek
-Yonada
-Zefrem
-Zetar
-android
-backwash
-bacteriological
-blah
-deSalle
-oid
-stardate
-tactician
-ya
+++ /dev/null
-%% $FreeBSD$
-%
- Talking Pinhead Blues:
-Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
- TWENTY-SIX!!
-
-Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
- DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
-
-My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
- won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
-
-So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
- (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
-%
-... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
-%
-... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
-%
-... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
-LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
-%
-... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
-%
-... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
-%
--- I have seen the FUN --
-%
--- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away
-now. I fed the cat.
-%
-... I see TOILET SEATS ...
-%
-... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
-MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
-%
-... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
-%
-... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
-SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
-%
-... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
-antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
-PIZZA ...
-%
-... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
-man!!
-%
-... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
-of a KOSHER DELI --
-%
-... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
-Alley!!
-%
-... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
-%
-... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
-Tuesday?
-%
-... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
-OYSTER! Yum!
-%
-... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
-%
-... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
-%
-A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
-%
-A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
-%
-A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
-%
-A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
-with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
-%
-Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
-%
-All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
-by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
-%
-All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
-a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know
-WHY!!
-%
-All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
-%
-All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
-%
-All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
-%
-Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
-%
-Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
-%
-Am I elected yet?
-%
-Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
-%
-Am I SHOPLIFTING?
-%
-America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
-your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ...
-%
-An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
-%
-An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
-%
-An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
-%
-And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
-%
-ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
-MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
-%
-Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
-%
-Are we live or on tape?
-%
-Are we on STRIKE yet?
-%
-Are we THERE yet?
-%
-Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
-%
-Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
-%
-Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
-%
-Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
-%
-As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
-%
-Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
-%
-BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
-%
-Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
-But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
-%
-BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
-WAY" I've ever heard!!
-%
-Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
-%
-BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
-%
-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
-%
-Bo Derek ruined my life!
-%
-Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
-%
-Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
-%
-But they went to MARS around 1953!!
-%
-But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
-%
-Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
-Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
-%
-Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
-%
-Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
-%
-Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
-%
-CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
-%
-Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
-%
-Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
-%
-Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL
-NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn
-LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
-%
-CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
-DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
-%
-Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
-TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
-%
-Could I have a drug overdose?
-%
-Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
-a MALIBU HOT TUB?
-%
-Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
-%
-Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
-%
-Did I SELL OUT yet??
-%
-Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
-%
-Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
-%
-DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
-%
-Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
-%
-Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahyde pipeline running
-straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the
-dollar!
-%
-Do I have a lifestyle yet?
-%
-Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
-%
-Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
-%
-Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
-%
-Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
-%
-Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
-%
-does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
-%
-DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
-Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
-%
-Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
-%
-Don't SANFORIZE me!!
-%
-Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
-FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
-STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS??
-%
-Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
-%
-Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
-%
-Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
-%
-Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
-%
-Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a
-disaster Movie!!
-%
-Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
-%
-Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
-OFFSET PRINTING?
-%
-FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
-%
-Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
-dining room.
-%
-First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So
-just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
-%
-FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
-%
-for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
-%
-Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
-gothic solarium!!
-%
-FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
-%
-FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
-%
-Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
-satellite dish PAYMENTS!
-%
-Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
-%
-Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
-%
-Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
-%
-GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
-pet LEISURE SUIT!!
-%
-HAIR TONICS, please!!
-%
-Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
-%
-Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for
-today!
-%
-Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's
-time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
-%
-He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
-%
-He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
-like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to
-PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
-MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO!
-%
-Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
-guess ...
-%
-Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
-females!!
-%
-Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No
-thanks!
-%
-Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
-being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
-%
-HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
-%
-Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
-%
-HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
-%
-Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
-bottles ...
-%
-Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
-%
-Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
-anywhere!!
-%
-Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
-%
-Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
-%
-Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
-%
-Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
-drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
-%
-Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
-TROLLEY-CAR ...
-%
-Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
-island, when ...
-%
-Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
-FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
-%
-Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
-CHLORIDE ...
-%
-Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
-%
-HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
-%
-How do I get HOME?
-%
-How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th'
-MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY,
-HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce
-to NANCY SINATRA!
-%
-How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
-SHARPENERS right NOW??
-%
-How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
-%
-How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
-%
-hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
-%
-HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
-%
-HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
-%
-I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
-%
-I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
-%
-I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
-%
-I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
-%
-I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
-%
-I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
-%
-I am NOT a nut....
-%
-I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
-%
-I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
-%
-I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
-%
-I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB
-GUCCIONE has these problems!
-%
-I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
-LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
-%
-I demand IMPUNITY!
-%
-I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
-%
-I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
-just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
-more numbers!!
-%
-I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
-my read molars ...
-%
-I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
-%
-I feel ... JUGULAR ...
-%
-I feel better about world problems now!
-%
-I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
-%
-I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV ...
-%
-I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
-%
-I feel partially hydrogenated!
-%
-I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the
-"WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE
-in the yard ...
-%
-I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
-%
-I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
-%
-I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
-%
-I had pancake makeup for brunch!
-%
-I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
-%
-I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
-%
-I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
-%
-I have accepted Provolone into my life!
-%
-I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
-%
-I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
-%
-I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
-INSTRUCTIONS ...
-%
-I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
-%
-I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
-my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
-%
-I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
-every day from Oral Roberts!!
-%
-I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
-%
-I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to
-live!!
-%
-I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
-%
-I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life
-savings in yeast!!
-%
-I invented skydiving in 1989!
-%
-I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
-%
-I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
-%
-I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he
-is ...
-%
-I just had a NOSE JOB!!
-%
-I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
-%
-I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
-with my LEISURE SUIT!!
-%
-I just remembered something about a TOAD!
-%
-I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
-on the SIDE?
-%
-I Know A Joke
-%
-I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
-%
-I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
-%
-I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
-%
-I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
-%
-I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS
-%
-I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
-%
-I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
-1965!!
-%
-I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio
-SLEAZEBALLS!!
-%
-I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
-%
-I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
-%
-I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
-legislation..
-%
-I represent a sardine!!
-%
-I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
-%
-I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
-%
-I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
-%
-I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
-%
-I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
-%
-I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
-reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
-%
-I think my career is ruined!
-%
-I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
-RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
-%
-I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
-%
-I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
-%
-I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
-%
-I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
-secure!!
-%
-I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
-%
-I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
-and WHEAT THINS ...
-%
-I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
-%
-I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
-%
-I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
-%
-I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
-%
-I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
-... BACKWARDS!!
-%
-I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
-formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with
-me --
-%
-I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
-%
-I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
-%
-I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
-%
-I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
-%
-I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
-%
-I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
-%
-I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
-STRANGER?
-%
-I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
-%
-I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
-%
-I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
-%
-I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
-%
-I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
-%
-If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
-MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
-GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
-%
-If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
-houseboy ...
-%
-If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
-%
-If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
-replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
-%
-If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
-%
-If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
-%
-If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
-%
-if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
-%
-If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
-%
-If Robert De Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
-Bonzo??
-%
-I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
-%
-I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
-%
-I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
-%
-I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN
-SONTAG!!
-%
-I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
-%
-I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
-%
-I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
-%
-I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
-%
-I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
-MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
-%
-I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
-%
-I'm definitely not in Omaha!
-%
-I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
-miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
-%
-I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
-%
-I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
-%
-I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
-%
-I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
-%
-I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
-%
-I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
-%
-I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
-%
-I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
-%
-I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
-%
-I'm having an emotional outburst!!
-%
-I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
-my PAJAMA POCKET??
-%
-I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
-wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
-%
-I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
-%
-I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
-%
-I'm into SOFTWARE!
-%
-I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
-PERSONAL SPACE!!
-%
-I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD
-STERLING when you really need him?
-%
-I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
-%
-I'm not available for comment..
-%
-I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
-%
-I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
-MONTALBAN!
-%
-I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
-and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
-%
-I'm rated PG-34!!
-%
-I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
-%
-I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with
-MISSILES!!
-%
-I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin
-Hustle now!
-%
-I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
-%
-I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
-... I'm VIBRATORY ...
-%
-I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
-IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
-%
-I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of
-CHICKEN ...
-%
-I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
-WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
-%
-I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
-%
-I'm wet! I'm wild!
-%
-I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR
-REGIONS!
-%
-I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
-%
-In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
-Belt," for $10.99!!
-%
-In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
-%
-INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
-%
-Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
-%
-Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in
-Safeway?
-%
-Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG
-his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the
-ESCALATOR ...
-%
-Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
-wild afternoon??
-%
-Is it clean in other dimensions?
-%
-Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
-plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
-%
-Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
-%
-Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
-%
-Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
-%
-Is this TERMINAL fun?
-%
-Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
-makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
-%
-Isn't this my STOP?!
-%
-It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
-%
-It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID
-LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
-%
-It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
-%
-It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
-%
-It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
-in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
-FRENCH TOAST!
-%
-It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
-%
-It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
-%
-I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
-%
-I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
-SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
-%
-I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
-%
-JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
-of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
-%
-Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
-%
-Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
-%
-Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
-carried too FAR!
-%
-Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
-PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
-%
-Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
-is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
-%
-LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
-%
-Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a
-SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your
-ASHTRAYS ...
-%
-Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
-%
-Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!
-%
-Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
-%
-Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
-%
-Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
-%
-Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
-%
-Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
-%
-LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
-Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
-%
-Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
-HIGHBALL?? ...
-%
-Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
-card!
-%
-Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
-%
-Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
-cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
-%
-Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
-%
-MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
-%
-MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
-%
-Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
-shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a
-TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
-SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
-BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
-animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT,
-I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
-WHEAT BUN!!
-%
-Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
-the INDONESIAN archipelago?
-%
-My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
-%
-My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
-FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
-%
-My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New
-York!!
-%
-My EARS are GONE!!
-%
-My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's
-care!!!!
-%
-My haircut is totally traditional!
-%
-MY income is ALL disposable!
-%
-My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
-%
-My life is a patio of fun!
-%
-My mind is a potato field ...
-%
-My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
-%
-My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
-%
-my NOSE is NUMB!
-%
-My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
-%
-My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
-%
-My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
-%
-My vaseline is RUNNING...
-%
-NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
-%
-NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They
-COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
-did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
-they were OFF-KEY ...
-%
-NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
-%
-Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
-%
-Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ...
-in PAIN!!!
-%
-Now I am depressed ...
-%
-Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
-BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
-%
-Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
-%
-Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
-BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
-%
-Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
-War II!
-%
-Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of
-HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
-by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
-%
-Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
-%
-Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
-%
-Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
-and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
-%
-Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
-%
-Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
-%
-Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
-%
-Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
-%
-Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
-DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
-%
-OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
-R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
-%
-OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
-and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
-it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
-the WASHING MACHINES?
-%
-On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
-PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
-%
-On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
-QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
-%
-On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
-POINT.
-%
-Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
-statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
-completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
-amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
-finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
-snack cakes!
-%
-Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
-DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
-VALUES!!
-%
-ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
- the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
-TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
-THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
-%
-One FISHWICH coming up!!
-%
-Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
-table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
-leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
-%
-over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
-%
-OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND
-REPAIR!!
-%
-PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
-%
-Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your
-BOOTH!
-%
-PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
-%
-PIZZA!!
-%
-Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
-Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
-%
-Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
-%
-Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
-%
-PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
-%
-Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
-%
-RELATIVES!!
-%
-Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by
-prescription!!
-%
-RHAPSODY in Glue!
-%
-SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
-... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
-starring JANE FONDA!!
-%
-Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
-94140, USA
-%
-SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
-empty OIL DRUMS ...
-%
-Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
-%
-Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a
-VASECTOMY??
-%
-Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
-hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
-%
-Sign my PETITION.
-%
-So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
-INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
-SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
-%
-So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
-%
-someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
-%
-Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
-%
-Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB
-CHOP!!
-%
-Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
-batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
-%
-Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
-to Beaver"!
-%
-Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
-%
-TAILFINS!! ... click ...
-%
-TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
-Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
-%
-Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to
-Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
-%
-Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
-%
-Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
-%
-The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
-the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
-%
-The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
-and have since BIRTH!!
-%
-The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
-SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
-%
-The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
-%
-The Korean War must have been fun.
-%
-The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at
-dawn!!!
-%
-The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
-%
-The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS
-around 1953!!
-%
-The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
-%
-There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
-in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
-%
-There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
-%
-These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
-%
-They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
-appeal!
-%
-This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
-%
-This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
-%
-This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
-against someone's MARTINI!!
-%
-This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
-%
-This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
-%
-This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is
-talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
-%
-Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
-SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
-%
-Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
-aesthetic modules --
-%
-Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
-before his MAKEOVER!
-%
-Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
-Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
-%
-TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
-%
-Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
-%
-UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
-mistake!!!
-%
-UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
-NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
-%
-Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
-%
-UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
-%
-Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
-frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
-%
-Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
-%
-VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
-%
-Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
-TAX-DEFERRED!
-%
-Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat
-Junction??
-%
-Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
-%
-We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot
-tub ...
-%
-We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
-%
-We just joined the civil hair patrol!
-%
-We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
-45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
-%
-Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I
-HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ...
-EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
-%
-Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
-VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
-%
-Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
-ROOM ...
-%
-Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL
-DESPAIR!
-%
-Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
-%
-What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
-%
-What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
-%
-What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
-%
-What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
-%
-What PROGRAM are they watching?
-%
-What UNIVERSE is this, please??
-%
-What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
-%
-When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
-DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ...
-%
-When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
-%
-When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
-%
-When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
-BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
-and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
-%
-Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
-%
-Where does it go when you flush?
-%
-Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
-%
-Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
-%
-Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
-%
-While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
-priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
-%
-While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his
-will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
-%
-WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
-%
-WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the
-NEGATIVE IONS!!
-%
-Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
-%
-Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your
-own ZIPCODE?
-%
-Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
-%
-Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
-CENTER with you??
-%
-Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
-%
-Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
-%
-Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
-%
-With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
-%
-World War III? No thanks!
-%
-World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
-dress code!
-%
-Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
-%
-Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
-%
-Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
-MAIDEN concert?
-%
-YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
-DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
-%
-You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
-%
-You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
-distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
-%
-You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
-%
-YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
-%
-You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW
-CAREER!!
-%
-You were s'posed to laugh!
-%
-Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
-%
-Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
-attitudes!
-%
-Yow!
-%
-Yow! Am I having fun yet?
-%
-Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
-%
-Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
-%
-Yow! Are we laid back yet?
-%
-Yow! Are we wet yet?
-%
-Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
-%
-Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
-%
-YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
-%
-YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
-%
-Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
-%
-Yow! I threw up on my window!
-%
-Yow! I want my nose in lights!
-%
-Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
-%
-Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel
-mill!
-%
-Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
-%
-YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
-%
-Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
-%
-Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
-%
-Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
-%
-Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
-%
-Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
-%
-Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
-BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
-%
-YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
-laws!!
-%
-Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
-%
-YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
-%
-Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
-%
-YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
-%
-Yow! We're going to a new disco!
-%
-YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of
-CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
-%
-Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
-%
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-ANAL
-ASEXUAL
-Astro
-B.C
-BANKHEAD
-BI
-BIO
-BORSCHT
-BRAINPAN
-BURRITO
-BURRITOS
-Barbie
-Bo
-Bonzo
-CARCRASH
-CASIO
-CHAINSAWS
-CHIVAS
-COM
-CORDOVANS
-COSELL
-CROATIAN
-Carlsbad
-Clift
-Cosell
-Cupcake
-DAQUIRI
-DELI
-DIDI
-DISCO
-DISNEYWORLD
-DONUT
-DOUGHBOY
-Darvon
-Di
-Disco
-Donnie
-EDSELS
-EMOTE
-EUBIE
-Enema
-FALAFEL
-FISHNET
-FISHWICH
-FLEMMING
-FLOATATION
-FROLICSOME
-Feinstein
-GOLDIE
-GORRY
-GUCCIONE
-GUIDELIGHT
-Gibble
-Ginzberg
-HAIRPIECE
-HAWN
-HAYWORTH
-HITCHHIKING
-HOAX
-HOUSECAT
-Hmmm
-I.Q
-INTESTINAL
-Iranian
-JELL
-JELLO
-JILLIAN'S
-JULIENNED
-Jodie
-KATRINKA
-KNOCKWURST
-LBJ
-LING
-LONI
-LUGOSI
-Loni
-Lycra
-MALIBU
-MCMAHON
-MELBA
-MERYL
-MMM
-MOGULS
-MONTALBAN'S
-MOUSSE
-MSG
-MT
-MTV
-MYSTERIANS
-Macy's
-Meese
-Monkees
-NABOBS
-NAGEELA
-NEBULATION
-NICKLES
-NUTRA
-Niro
-OLFACTORY
-OMNIVERSAL
-OVULAR
-Osmond
-Osmonds
-PAISLEY
-PASTA
-PG
-Pharoahs
-Provolone
-R.V.'S
-RAPHAELITE
-RICARDO
-RITA
-Rom
-Roni
-SAGAN
-SANFORIZE
-SCHROON
-SCIENTOLOGIST
-SERBO
-SHOPLIFT
-SINATRA
-SKEE
-SODOMIZE
-SONTAG
-STREEP
-Safeway
-Slezak
-Spandex
-T.V
-TACO
-TAILFINS
-TALLULAH
-TINA
-TRANSSEXUAL
-TRYNEL
-Tenafly
-Tex
-Th
-Tylenol
-Uh
-VASELINE
-VELVEETA
-WESSON
-YEH
-YUBBA
-Yum
-ZIPPY
-Zippy
-Zippy's
-barbequeued
-chr
-co
-cranial
-creme
-devalue
-disco
-donut
-donuts
-dusenjet
-einem
-einige
-frolicking
-fuschia
-gladiatoren
-gothic
-graphisticator
-hors
-houseboy
-ich
-im
-jahr
-kidnapped
-lande
-laundromat
-laundromats
-lesbian
-li'l
-manicurist
-matic
-meatball
-meltdown
-naugahyde
-obstetrician
-poindexter
-pre
-psilocybin
-quaaludes
-quadrophonic
-rieche
-s'posed
-scientology
-skintight
-skydiving
-solarium
-spielen
-telex
-th
-th'HOLIDAY
-th'MAMBO
-th'RAIN
-th'WRENCH
-th'cute
-thru
-thumbtack
-uh
-um
-urinate
-vaseline
-vor
-zzzzzzzzz
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= fortune
-MAN= fortune.6
-CFLAGS+=-DDEBUG -I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
-
-test: ${PROG}
- ./${PROG} -m brass
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-.\" Copyright (c) 1985, 1991, 1993
-.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
-.\" Ken Arnold.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\" without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\" @(#)fortune.6 8.3 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
-.\" $FreeBSD$
-.\"
-.Dd November 7, 2007
-.Dt FORTUNE 6
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm fortune
-.Nd "print a random, hopefully interesting, adage"
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl aDefilosw
-.Op Fl m Ar pattern
-.Oo
-.Op Ar \&N%
-.Ar file Ns / Ns Ar directory Ns / Ns Cm all
-.Oc
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-When
-.Nm
-is run with no arguments it prints out a random epigram.
-Epigrams are divided into several categories, where each category
-is subdivided into those which are potentially offensive and those
-which are not.
-The options are as follows:
-.Bl -tag -width indent
-.It Fl a
-Choose from all lists of maxims, both offensive and not.
-(See the
-.Fl o
-option for more information on offensive fortunes.)
-.It Fl D
-Enable additional debugging output.
-Specify this option multiple times for more verbose output.
-Only available if compiled with
-.Li -DDEBUG .
-.It Fl e
-Consider all fortune files to be of equal size (see discussion below
-on multiple files).
-.It Fl f
-Print out the list of files which would be searched, but do not
-print a fortune.
-.It Fl l
-Long dictums only.
-.It Fl m Ar pattern
-Print out all fortunes which match the regular expression
-.Ar pattern .
-See
-.Xr regex 3
-for a description of patterns.
-.It Fl o
-Choose only from potentially offensive aphorisms.
-.Bf -symbolic
-Please, please, please request a potentially offensive fortune if and
-only if you believe, deep down in your heart, that you are willing
-to be offended.
-(And that if you are not willing, you will just quit using
-.Fl o
-rather than give us
-grief about it, okay?)
-.Ef
-.Bd -unfilled -offset indent
-\&... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy
-of The Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words:
-we believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of
-the whole human race, if needs be.
-Needs be.
- --H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
-.Ed
-.It Fl s
-Short apothegms only.
-.It Fl i
-Ignore case for
-.Fl m
-patterns.
-.It Fl w
-Wait before termination for an amount of time calculated from the
-number of characters in the message.
-This is useful if it is executed as part of the logout procedure
-to guarantee that the message can be read before the screen is cleared.
-.El
-.Pp
-The user may specify alternate sayings.
-You can specify a specific file, a directory which contains one or
-more files, or the special word
-.Cm all
-which says to use all the standard databases.
-Any of these may be preceded by a percentage, which is a number
-.Ar N
-between 0 and 100 inclusive, followed by a
-.Ql % .
-If it is, there will be an
-.Ar N
-percent probability that an adage will be picked from that file
-or directory.
-If the percentages do not sum to 100, and there are specifications
-without percentages, the remaining percent will apply to those files
-and/or directories, in which case the probability of selecting from
-one of them will be based on their relative sizes.
-.Pp
-As an example, given two databases
-.Pa funny
-and
-.Pa not-funny ,
-with
-.Pa funny
-twice as big, saying
-.Pp
-.Dl "fortune funny not-funny"
-.Pp
-will get you fortunes out of
-.Pa funny
-two-thirds of the time.
-The command
-.Pp
-.Dl "fortune 90% funny 10% not-funny"
-.Pp
-will pick out 90% of its fortunes from
-.Pa funny
-(the
-.Dq Li "10% not-funny"
-is unnecessary, since 10% is all that is left).
-The
-.Fl e
-option says to consider all files equal;
-thus
-.Pp
-.Dl "fortune -e funny not-funny"
-.Pp
-is equivalent to
-.Pp
-.Dl "fortune 50% funny 50% not-funny"
-.Sh ENVIRONMENT
-.Bl -tag -width ".Ev FORTUNE_PATH"
-.It Ev FORTUNE_PATH
-The search path for the data files.
-It is a colon-separated list of directories in which
-.Nm
-looks for data files.
-If not set it will default to
-.Pa /usr/share/games/fortune .
-If none of the directories specified exist, it will print a warning and exit.
-.It Ev FORTUNE_SAVESTATE
-If set, fortune will save some state about what fortune
-it was up to on disk.
-.El
-.Sh FILES
-.Bl -tag -width ".Pa /usr/share/games/fortune/*"
-.It Pa /usr/games/fortune
-.It Pa /usr/share/games/fortune/*
-the fortunes databases (those files ending
-.Dq Pa -o
-contain the
-.Sy offensive
-fortunes)
-.El
-.Sh SEE ALSO
-.Xr arc4random_uniform 3 ,
-.Xr regcomp 3 ,
-.Xr regex 3 ,
-.Xr strfile 8
+++ /dev/null
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1986, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Ken Arnold.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#if 0
-#ifndef lint
-static const char copyright[] =
-"@(#) Copyright (c) 1986, 1993\n\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)fortune.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#endif /* not lint */
-#endif
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
-
-#include <sys/stat.h>
-#include <sys/endian.h>
-
-#include <assert.h>
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <dirent.h>
-#include <fcntl.h>
-#include <locale.h>
-#include <regex.h>
-#include <stdbool.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <time.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#include "strfile.h"
-#include "pathnames.h"
-
-#define TRUE true
-#define FALSE false
-
-#define MINW 6 /* minimum wait if desired */
-#define CPERS 20 /* # of chars for each sec */
-#define SLEN 160 /* # of chars in short fortune */
-
-#define POS_UNKNOWN ((uint32_t) -1) /* pos for file unknown */
-#define NO_PROB (-1) /* no prob specified for file */
-
-#ifdef DEBUG
-#define DPRINTF(l,x) { if (Debug >= l) fprintf x; }
-#undef NDEBUG
-#else
-#define DPRINTF(l,x)
-#define NDEBUG 1
-#endif
-
-typedef struct fd {
- int percent;
- int fd, datfd;
- uint32_t pos;
- FILE *inf;
- const char *name;
- const char *path;
- char *datfile, *posfile;
- bool read_tbl;
- bool was_pos_file;
- STRFILE tbl;
- int num_children;
- struct fd *child, *parent;
- struct fd *next, *prev;
-} FILEDESC;
-
-static bool Found_one; /* did we find a match? */
-static bool Find_files = FALSE; /* just find a list of proper fortune files */
-static bool Fortunes_only = FALSE; /* check only "fortunes" files */
-static bool Wait = FALSE; /* wait desired after fortune */
-static bool Short_only = FALSE; /* short fortune desired */
-static bool Long_only = FALSE; /* long fortune desired */
-static bool Offend = FALSE; /* offensive fortunes only */
-static bool All_forts = FALSE; /* any fortune allowed */
-static bool Equal_probs = FALSE; /* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
-static bool Match = FALSE; /* dump fortunes matching a pattern */
-static bool WriteToDisk = false; /* use files on disk to save state */
-#ifdef DEBUG
-static int Debug = 0; /* print debug messages */
-#endif
-
-static char *Fortbuf = NULL; /* fortune buffer for -m */
-
-static int Fort_len = 0;
-
-static off_t Seekpts[2]; /* seek pointers to fortunes */
-
-static FILEDESC *File_list = NULL, /* Head of file list */
- *File_tail = NULL; /* Tail of file list */
-static FILEDESC *Fortfile; /* Fortune file to use */
-
-static STRFILE Noprob_tbl; /* sum of data for all no prob files */
-
-static const char *Fortune_path;
-static char **Fortune_path_arr;
-
-static int add_dir(FILEDESC *);
-static int add_file(int, const char *, const char *, FILEDESC **,
- FILEDESC **, FILEDESC *);
-static void all_forts(FILEDESC *, char *);
-static char *copy(const char *, u_int);
-static void display(FILEDESC *);
-static void do_free(void *);
-static void *do_malloc(u_int);
-static int form_file_list(char **, int);
-static int fortlen(void);
-static void get_fort(void);
-static void get_pos(FILEDESC *);
-static void get_tbl(FILEDESC *);
-static void getargs(int, char *[]);
-static void getpath(void);
-static void init_prob(void);
-static int is_dir(const char *);
-static int is_fortfile(const char *, char **, char **, int);
-static int is_off_name(const char *);
-static int max(int, int);
-static FILEDESC *new_fp(void);
-static char *off_name(const char *);
-static void open_dat(FILEDESC *);
-static void open_fp(FILEDESC *);
-static FILEDESC *pick_child(FILEDESC *);
-static void print_file_list(void);
-static void print_list(FILEDESC *, int);
-static void sum_noprobs(FILEDESC *);
-static void sum_tbl(STRFILE *, STRFILE *);
-static void usage(void);
-static void zero_tbl(STRFILE *);
-
-static char *conv_pat(char *);
-static int find_matches(void);
-static void matches_in_list(FILEDESC *);
-static int maxlen_in_list(FILEDESC *);
-
-static regex_t Re_pat;
-
-int
-main(int argc, char *argv[])
-{
- int fd;
-
- if (getenv("FORTUNE_SAVESTATE") != NULL)
- WriteToDisk = true;
-
- (void) setlocale(LC_ALL, "");
-
- getpath();
- getargs(argc, argv);
-
- if (Match)
- exit(find_matches() != 0);
-
- init_prob();
- do {
- get_fort();
- } while ((Short_only && fortlen() > SLEN) ||
- (Long_only && fortlen() <= SLEN));
-
- display(Fortfile);
-
- if (WriteToDisk) {
- if ((fd = creat(Fortfile->posfile, 0666)) < 0) {
- perror(Fortfile->posfile);
- exit(1);
- }
- /*
- * if we can, we exclusive lock, but since it isn't very
- * important, we just punt if we don't have easy locking
- * available.
- */
- flock(fd, LOCK_EX);
- write(fd, (char *) &Fortfile->pos, sizeof Fortfile->pos);
- if (!Fortfile->was_pos_file)
- chmod(Fortfile->path, 0666);
- flock(fd, LOCK_UN);
- }
- if (Wait) {
- if (Fort_len == 0)
- (void) fortlen();
- sleep((unsigned int) max(Fort_len / CPERS, MINW));
- }
-
- exit(0);
-}
-
-static void
-display(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
- char *p;
- unsigned char ch;
- char line[BUFSIZ];
-
- open_fp(fp);
- fseeko(fp->inf, Seekpts[0], SEEK_SET);
- for (Fort_len = 0; fgets(line, sizeof line, fp->inf) != NULL &&
- !STR_ENDSTRING(line, fp->tbl); Fort_len++) {
- if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED)
- for (p = line; (ch = *p) != '\0'; ++p) {
- if (isascii(ch)) {
- if (isupper(ch))
- *p = 'A' + (ch - 'A' + 13) % 26;
- else if (islower(ch))
- *p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26;
- }
- }
- if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_COMMENTS
- && line[0] == fp->tbl.str_delim
- && line[1] == fp->tbl.str_delim)
- continue;
- fputs(line, stdout);
- }
- (void) fflush(stdout);
-}
-
-/*
- * fortlen:
- * Return the length of the fortune.
- */
-static int
-fortlen(void)
-{
- int nchar;
- char line[BUFSIZ];
-
- if (!(Fortfile->tbl.str_flags & (STR_RANDOM | STR_ORDERED)))
- nchar = (int)(Seekpts[1] - Seekpts[0]);
- else {
- open_fp(Fortfile);
- fseeko(Fortfile->inf, Seekpts[0], SEEK_SET);
- nchar = 0;
- while (fgets(line, sizeof line, Fortfile->inf) != NULL &&
- !STR_ENDSTRING(line, Fortfile->tbl))
- nchar += strlen(line);
- }
- Fort_len = nchar;
-
- return (nchar);
-}
-
-/*
- * This routine evaluates the arguments on the command line
- */
-static void
-getargs(int argc, char *argv[])
-{
- int ignore_case;
- char *pat;
- int ch;
-
- ignore_case = FALSE;
- pat = NULL;
-
-#ifdef DEBUG
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aDefilm:osw")) != -1)
-#else
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aefilm:osw")) != -1)
-#endif /* DEBUG */
- switch(ch) {
- case 'a': /* any fortune */
- All_forts++;
- break;
-#ifdef DEBUG
- case 'D':
- Debug++;
- break;
-#endif /* DEBUG */
- case 'e':
- Equal_probs++; /* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
- break;
- case 'f': /* find fortune files */
- Find_files++;
- break;
- case 'l': /* long ones only */
- Long_only++;
- Short_only = FALSE;
- break;
- case 'o': /* offensive ones only */
- Offend++;
- break;
- case 's': /* short ones only */
- Short_only++;
- Long_only = FALSE;
- break;
- case 'w': /* give time to read */
- Wait++;
- break;
- case 'm': /* dump out the fortunes */
- Match++;
- pat = optarg;
- break;
- case 'i': /* case-insensitive match */
- ignore_case++;
- break;
- case '?':
- default:
- usage();
- }
- argc -= optind;
- argv += optind;
-
- if (!form_file_list(argv, argc))
- exit(1); /* errors printed through form_file_list() */
- if (Find_files) {
- print_file_list();
- exit(0);
- }
-#ifdef DEBUG
- else if (Debug >= 1)
- print_file_list();
-#endif /* DEBUG */
-
- if (pat != NULL) {
- int error;
-
- if (ignore_case)
- pat = conv_pat(pat);
- error = regcomp(&Re_pat, pat, REG_BASIC);
- if (error) {
- fprintf(stderr, "regcomp(%s) fails\n", pat);
- exit(1);
- }
- }
-}
-
-/*
- * form_file_list:
- * Form the file list from the file specifications.
- */
-static int
-form_file_list(char **files, int file_cnt)
-{
- int i, percent;
- char *sp;
- char **pstr;
-
- if (file_cnt == 0) {
- if (Find_files) {
- Fortunes_only = TRUE;
- pstr = Fortune_path_arr;
- i = 0;
- while (*pstr) {
- i += add_file(NO_PROB, *pstr++, NULL,
- &File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
- }
- Fortunes_only = FALSE;
- if (!i) {
- fprintf(stderr, "No fortunes found in %s.\n",
- Fortune_path);
- }
- return (i != 0);
- } else {
- pstr = Fortune_path_arr;
- i = 0;
- while (*pstr) {
- i += add_file(NO_PROB, "fortunes", *pstr++,
- &File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
- }
- if (!i) {
- fprintf(stderr, "No fortunes found in %s.\n",
- Fortune_path);
- }
- return (i != 0);
- }
- }
- for (i = 0; i < file_cnt; i++) {
- percent = NO_PROB;
- if (!isdigit((unsigned char)files[i][0]))
- sp = files[i];
- else {
- percent = 0;
- for (sp = files[i]; isdigit((unsigned char)*sp); sp++)
- percent = percent * 10 + *sp - '0';
- if (percent > 100) {
- fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be <= 100\n");
- return (FALSE);
- }
- if (*sp == '.') {
- fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be integers\n");
- return (FALSE);
- }
- /*
- * If the number isn't followed by a '%', then
- * it was not a percentage, just the first part
- * of a file name which starts with digits.
- */
- if (*sp != '%') {
- percent = NO_PROB;
- sp = files[i];
- }
- else if (*++sp == '\0') {
- if (++i >= file_cnt) {
- fprintf(stderr, "percentages must precede files\n");
- return (FALSE);
- }
- sp = files[i];
- }
- }
- if (strcmp(sp, "all") == 0) {
- pstr = Fortune_path_arr;
- i = 0;
- while (*pstr) {
- i += add_file(NO_PROB, *pstr++, NULL,
- &File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
- }
- if (!i) {
- fprintf(stderr, "No fortunes found in %s.\n",
- Fortune_path);
- return (FALSE);
- }
- } else if (!add_file(percent, sp, NULL, &File_list,
- &File_tail, NULL)) {
- return (FALSE);
- }
- }
-
- return (TRUE);
-}
-
-/*
- * add_file:
- * Add a file to the file list.
- */
-static int
-add_file(int percent, const char *file, const char *dir, FILEDESC **head,
- FILEDESC **tail, FILEDESC *parent)
-{
- FILEDESC *fp;
- int fd;
- const char *path;
- char *tpath, *offensive;
- bool was_malloc;
- bool isdir;
-
- if (dir == NULL) {
- path = file;
- tpath = NULL;
- was_malloc = FALSE;
- }
- else {
- tpath = do_malloc((unsigned int)(strlen(dir) + strlen(file) + 2));
- strcat(strcat(strcpy(tpath, dir), "/"), file);
- path = tpath;
- was_malloc = TRUE;
- }
- if ((isdir = is_dir(path)) && parent != NULL) {
- if (was_malloc)
- free(tpath);
- return (FALSE); /* don't recurse */
- }
- offensive = NULL;
- if (!isdir && parent == NULL && (All_forts || Offend) &&
- !is_off_name(path)) {
- offensive = off_name(path);
- if (Offend) {
- if (was_malloc)
- free(tpath);
- path = tpath = offensive;
- offensive = NULL;
- was_malloc = TRUE;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\ttrying \"%s\"\n", path));
- file = off_name(file);
- }
- }
-
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding file \"%s\"\n", path));
-over:
- if ((fd = open(path, O_RDONLY)) < 0) {
- /*
- * This is a sneak. If the user said -a, and if the
- * file we're given isn't a file, we check to see if
- * there is a -o version. If there is, we treat it as
- * if *that* were the file given. We only do this for
- * individual files -- if we're scanning a directory,
- * we'll pick up the -o file anyway.
- */
- if (All_forts && offensive != NULL) {
- if (was_malloc)
- free(tpath);
- path = tpath = offensive;
- offensive = NULL;
- was_malloc = TRUE;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\ttrying \"%s\"\n", path));
- file = off_name(file);
- goto over;
- }
- if (dir == NULL && file[0] != '/') {
- int i = 0;
- char **pstr = Fortune_path_arr;
-
- while (*pstr) {
- i += add_file(percent, file, *pstr++,
- head, tail, parent);
- }
- if (!i) {
- fprintf(stderr, "No '%s' found in %s.\n",
- file, Fortune_path);
- }
- return (i != 0);
- }
- /*
- if (parent == NULL)
- perror(path);
- */
- if (was_malloc)
- free(tpath);
- return (FALSE);
- }
-
- DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "path = \"%s\"\n", path));
-
- fp = new_fp();
- fp->fd = fd;
- fp->percent = percent;
- fp->name = file;
- fp->path = path;
- fp->parent = parent;
-
- if ((isdir && !add_dir(fp)) ||
- (!isdir &&
- !is_fortfile(path, &fp->datfile, &fp->posfile, (parent != NULL))))
- {
- if (parent == NULL)
- fprintf(stderr,
- "fortune:%s not a fortune file or directory\n",
- path);
- if (was_malloc)
- free(tpath);
- do_free(fp->datfile);
- do_free(fp->posfile);
- free(fp);
- do_free(offensive);
- return (FALSE);
- }
- /*
- * If the user said -a, we need to make this node a pointer to
- * both files, if there are two. We don't need to do this if
- * we are scanning a directory, since the scan will pick up the
- * -o file anyway.
- */
- if (All_forts && parent == NULL && !is_off_name(path))
- all_forts(fp, offensive);
- if (*head == NULL)
- *head = *tail = fp;
- else if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
- (*tail)->next = fp;
- fp->prev = *tail;
- *tail = fp;
- }
- else {
- (*head)->prev = fp;
- fp->next = *head;
- *head = fp;
- }
- if (WriteToDisk)
- fp->was_pos_file = (access(fp->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
-
- return (TRUE);
-}
-
-/*
- * new_fp:
- * Return a pointer to an initialized new FILEDESC.
- */
-static FILEDESC *
-new_fp(void)
-{
- FILEDESC *fp;
-
- fp = do_malloc(sizeof(*fp));
- fp->datfd = -1;
- fp->pos = POS_UNKNOWN;
- fp->inf = NULL;
- fp->fd = -1;
- fp->percent = NO_PROB;
- fp->read_tbl = FALSE;
- fp->next = NULL;
- fp->prev = NULL;
- fp->child = NULL;
- fp->parent = NULL;
- fp->datfile = NULL;
- fp->posfile = NULL;
-
- return (fp);
-}
-
-/*
- * off_name:
- * Return a pointer to the offensive version of a file of this name.
- */
-static char *
-off_name(const char *file)
-{
- char *new;
-
- new = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 2));
-
- return (strcat(new, "-o"));
-}
-
-/*
- * is_off_name:
- * Is the file an offensive-style name?
- */
-static int
-is_off_name(const char *file)
-{
- int len;
-
- len = strlen(file);
-
- return (len >= 3 && file[len - 2] == '-' && file[len - 1] == 'o');
-}
-
-/*
- * all_forts:
- * Modify a FILEDESC element to be the parent of two children if
- * there are two children to be a parent of.
- */
-static void
-all_forts(FILEDESC *fp, char *offensive)
-{
- char *sp;
- FILEDESC *scene, *obscene;
- int fd;
- char *datfile, *posfile;
-
- if (fp->child != NULL) /* this is a directory, not a file */
- return;
- if (!is_fortfile(offensive, &datfile, &posfile, FALSE))
- return;
- if ((fd = open(offensive, O_RDONLY)) < 0)
- return;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding \"%s\" because of -a\n", offensive));
- scene = new_fp();
- obscene = new_fp();
- *scene = *fp;
-
- fp->num_children = 2;
- fp->child = scene;
- scene->next = obscene;
- obscene->next = NULL;
- scene->child = obscene->child = NULL;
- scene->parent = obscene->parent = fp;
-
- fp->fd = -1;
- scene->percent = obscene->percent = NO_PROB;
-
- obscene->fd = fd;
- obscene->inf = NULL;
- obscene->path = offensive;
- if ((sp = strrchr(offensive, '/')) == NULL)
- obscene->name = offensive;
- else
- obscene->name = ++sp;
- obscene->datfile = datfile;
- obscene->posfile = posfile;
- obscene->read_tbl = false;
- if (WriteToDisk)
- obscene->was_pos_file = (access(obscene->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
-}
-
-/*
- * add_dir:
- * Add the contents of an entire directory.
- */
-static int
-add_dir(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
- DIR *dir;
- struct dirent *dirent;
- FILEDESC *tailp;
- char *name;
-
- (void) close(fp->fd);
- fp->fd = -1;
- if ((dir = opendir(fp->path)) == NULL) {
- perror(fp->path);
- return (FALSE);
- }
- tailp = NULL;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding dir \"%s\"\n", fp->path));
- fp->num_children = 0;
- while ((dirent = readdir(dir)) != NULL) {
- if (dirent->d_namlen == 0)
- continue;
- name = copy(dirent->d_name, dirent->d_namlen);
- if (add_file(NO_PROB, name, fp->path, &fp->child, &tailp, fp))
- fp->num_children++;
- else
- free(name);
- }
- if (fp->num_children == 0) {
- (void) fprintf(stderr,
- "fortune: %s: No fortune files in directory.\n", fp->path);
- return (FALSE);
- }
-
- return (TRUE);
-}
-
-/*
- * is_dir:
- * Return TRUE if the file is a directory, FALSE otherwise.
- */
-static int
-is_dir(const char *file)
-{
- struct stat sbuf;
-
- if (stat(file, &sbuf) < 0)
- return (FALSE);
-
- return (sbuf.st_mode & S_IFDIR);
-}
-
-/*
- * is_fortfile:
- * Return TRUE if the file is a fortune database file. We try and
- * exclude files without reading them if possible to avoid
- * overhead. Files which start with ".", or which have "illegal"
- * suffixes, as contained in suflist[], are ruled out.
- */
-/* ARGSUSED */
-static int
-is_fortfile(const char *file, char **datp, char **posp, int check_for_offend)
-{
- int i;
- const char *sp;
- char *datfile;
- static const char *suflist[] = {
- /* list of "illegal" suffixes" */
- "dat", "pos", "c", "h", "p", "i", "f",
- "pas", "ftn", "ins.c", "ins,pas",
- "ins.ftn", "sml",
- NULL
- };
-
- DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "is_fortfile(%s) returns ", file));
-
- /*
- * Preclude any -o files for offendable people, and any non -o
- * files for completely offensive people.
- */
- if (check_for_offend && !All_forts) {
- i = strlen(file);
- if (Offend ^ (file[i - 2] == '-' && file[i - 1] == 'o')) {
- DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (offending file)\n"));
- return (FALSE);
- }
- }
-
- if ((sp = strrchr(file, '/')) == NULL)
- sp = file;
- else
- sp++;
- if (*sp == '.') {
- DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file starts with '.')\n"));
- return (FALSE);
- }
- if (Fortunes_only && strncmp(sp, "fortunes", 8) != 0) {
- DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (check fortunes only)\n"));
- return (FALSE);
- }
- if ((sp = strrchr(sp, '.')) != NULL) {
- sp++;
- for (i = 0; suflist[i] != NULL; i++)
- if (strcmp(sp, suflist[i]) == 0) {
- DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file has suffix \".%s\")\n", sp));
- return (FALSE);
- }
- }
-
- datfile = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */
- strcat(datfile, ".dat");
- if (access(datfile, R_OK) < 0) {
- DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (no readable \".dat\" file)\n"));
- free(datfile);
- return (FALSE);
- }
- if (datp != NULL)
- *datp = datfile;
- else
- free(datfile);
- if (posp != NULL) {
- if (WriteToDisk) {
- *posp = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */
- strcat(*posp, ".pos");
- }
- else {
- *posp = NULL;
- }
- }
- DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "TRUE\n"));
-
- return (TRUE);
-}
-
-/*
- * copy:
- * Return a malloc()'ed copy of the string
- */
-static char *
-copy(const char *str, unsigned int len)
-{
- char *new, *sp;
-
- new = do_malloc(len + 1);
- sp = new;
- do {
- *sp++ = *str;
- } while (*str++);
-
- return (new);
-}
-
-/*
- * do_malloc:
- * Do a malloc, checking for NULL return.
- */
-static void *
-do_malloc(unsigned int size)
-{
- void *new;
-
- if ((new = malloc(size)) == NULL) {
- (void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune: out of memory.\n");
- exit(1);
- }
-
- return (new);
-}
-
-/*
- * do_free:
- * Free malloc'ed space, if any.
- */
-static void
-do_free(void *ptr)
-{
- if (ptr != NULL)
- free(ptr);
-}
-
-/*
- * init_prob:
- * Initialize the fortune probabilities.
- */
-static void
-init_prob(void)
-{
- FILEDESC *fp, *last = NULL;
- int percent, num_noprob, frac;
-
- /*
- * Distribute the residual probability (if any) across all
- * files with unspecified probability (i.e., probability of 0)
- * (if any).
- */
-
- percent = 0;
- num_noprob = 0;
- for (fp = File_tail; fp != NULL; fp = fp->prev)
- if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
- num_noprob++;
- if (Equal_probs)
- last = fp;
- } else
- percent += fp->percent;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "summing probabilities:%d%% with %d NO_PROB's",
- percent, num_noprob));
- if (percent > 100) {
- (void) fprintf(stderr,
- "fortune: probabilities sum to %d%% > 100%%!\n", percent);
- exit(1);
- } else if (percent < 100 && num_noprob == 0) {
- (void) fprintf(stderr,
- "fortune: no place to put residual probability (%d%% < 100%%)\n",
- percent);
- exit(1);
- } else if (percent == 100 && num_noprob != 0) {
- (void) fprintf(stderr,
- "fortune: no probability left to put in residual files (100%%)\n");
- exit(1);
- }
- percent = 100 - percent;
- if (Equal_probs) {
- if (num_noprob != 0) {
- if (num_noprob > 1) {
- frac = percent / num_noprob;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", frac = %d%%", frac));
- for (fp = File_tail; fp != last; fp = fp->prev)
- if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
- fp->percent = frac;
- percent -= frac;
- }
- }
- last->percent = percent;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", residual = %d%%", percent));
- }
- else
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
- ", %d%% distributed over remaining fortunes\n",
- percent));
- }
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\n"));
-
-#ifdef DEBUG
- if (Debug >= 1)
- print_file_list();
-#endif
-}
-
-/*
- * get_fort:
- * Get the fortune data file's seek pointer for the next fortune.
- */
-static void
-get_fort(void)
-{
- FILEDESC *fp;
- int choice;
-
- if (File_list->next == NULL || File_list->percent == NO_PROB)
- fp = File_list;
- else {
- choice = arc4random_uniform(100);
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d\n", choice));
- for (fp = File_list; fp->percent != NO_PROB; fp = fp->next)
- if (choice < fp->percent)
- break;
- else {
- choice -= fp->percent;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
- " skip \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
- fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
- }
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
- "using \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
- fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
- }
- if (fp->percent != NO_PROB)
- get_tbl(fp);
- else {
- if (fp->next != NULL) {
- sum_noprobs(fp);
- choice = arc4random_uniform(Noprob_tbl.str_numstr);
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d (of %u) \n", choice,
- Noprob_tbl.str_numstr));
- while ((unsigned int)choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr) {
- choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
- fp = fp->next;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
- " skip \"%s\", %u (choice = %d)\n",
- fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr,
- choice));
- }
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "using \"%s\", %u\n", fp->name,
- fp->tbl.str_numstr));
- }
- get_tbl(fp);
- }
- if (fp->child != NULL) {
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "picking child\n"));
- fp = pick_child(fp);
- }
- Fortfile = fp;
- get_pos(fp);
- open_dat(fp);
- lseek(fp->datfd,
- (off_t) (sizeof fp->tbl + fp->pos * sizeof Seekpts[0]), SEEK_SET);
- read(fp->datfd, Seekpts, sizeof Seekpts);
- Seekpts[0] = be64toh(Seekpts[0]);
- Seekpts[1] = be64toh(Seekpts[1]);
-}
-
-/*
- * pick_child
- * Pick a child from a chosen parent.
- */
-static FILEDESC *
-pick_child(FILEDESC *parent)
-{
- FILEDESC *fp;
- int choice;
-
- if (Equal_probs) {
- choice = arc4random_uniform(parent->num_children);
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " choice = %d (of %d)\n",
- choice, parent->num_children));
- for (fp = parent->child; choice--; fp = fp->next)
- continue;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " using %s\n", fp->name));
- return (fp);
- }
- else {
- get_tbl(parent);
- choice = arc4random_uniform(parent->tbl.str_numstr);
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " choice = %d (of %u)\n",
- choice, parent->tbl.str_numstr));
- for (fp = parent->child; (unsigned)choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
- fp = fp->next) {
- choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\tskip %s, %u (choice = %d)\n",
- fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr, choice));
- }
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " using %s, %u\n", fp->name,
- fp->tbl.str_numstr));
- return (fp);
- }
-}
-
-/*
- * sum_noprobs:
- * Sum up all the noprob probabilities, starting with fp.
- */
-static void
-sum_noprobs(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
- static bool did_noprobs = FALSE;
-
- if (did_noprobs)
- return;
- zero_tbl(&Noprob_tbl);
- while (fp != NULL) {
- get_tbl(fp);
- sum_tbl(&Noprob_tbl, &fp->tbl);
- fp = fp->next;
- }
- did_noprobs = TRUE;
-}
-
-static int
-max(int i, int j)
-{
- return (i >= j ? i : j);
-}
-
-/*
- * open_fp:
- * Assocatiate a FILE * with the given FILEDESC.
- */
-static void
-open_fp(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
- if (fp->inf == NULL && (fp->inf = fdopen(fp->fd, "r")) == NULL) {
- perror(fp->path);
- exit(1);
- }
-}
-
-/*
- * open_dat:
- * Open up the dat file if we need to.
- */
-static void
-open_dat(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
- if (fp->datfd < 0 && (fp->datfd = open(fp->datfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0) {
- perror(fp->datfile);
- exit(1);
- }
-}
-
-/*
- * get_pos:
- * Get the position from the pos file, if there is one. If not,
- * return a random number.
- */
-static void
-get_pos(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
- int fd;
-
- assert(fp->read_tbl);
- if (fp->pos == POS_UNKNOWN) {
- if (WriteToDisk) {
- if ((fd = open(fp->posfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0 ||
- read(fd, &fp->pos, sizeof fp->pos) != sizeof fp->pos)
- fp->pos = arc4random_uniform(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
- else if (fp->pos >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
- fp->pos %= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
- if (fd >= 0)
- close(fd);
- }
- else
- fp->pos = arc4random_uniform(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
- }
- if (++(fp->pos) >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
- fp->pos -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "pos for %s is %ld\n", fp->name, (long)fp->pos));
-}
-
-/*
- * get_tbl:
- * Get the tbl data file the datfile.
- */
-static void
-get_tbl(FILEDESC *fp)
-{
- int fd;
- FILEDESC *child;
-
- if (fp->read_tbl)
- return;
- if (fp->child == NULL) {
- if ((fd = open(fp->datfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0) {
- perror(fp->datfile);
- exit(1);
- }
- if (read(fd, (char *) &fp->tbl, sizeof fp->tbl) != sizeof fp->tbl) {
- (void)fprintf(stderr,
- "fortune: %s corrupted\n", fp->path);
- exit(1);
- }
- /* fp->tbl.str_version = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_version); */
- fp->tbl.str_numstr = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
- fp->tbl.str_longlen = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_longlen);
- fp->tbl.str_shortlen = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_shortlen);
- fp->tbl.str_flags = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_flags);
- (void) close(fd);
- }
- else {
- zero_tbl(&fp->tbl);
- for (child = fp->child; child != NULL; child = child->next) {
- get_tbl(child);
- sum_tbl(&fp->tbl, &child->tbl);
- }
- }
- fp->read_tbl = TRUE;
-}
-
-/*
- * zero_tbl:
- * Zero out the fields we care about in a tbl structure.
- */
-static void
-zero_tbl(STRFILE *tp)
-{
- tp->str_numstr = 0;
- tp->str_longlen = 0;
- tp->str_shortlen = ~0;
-}
-
-/*
- * sum_tbl:
- * Merge the tbl data of t2 into t1.
- */
-static void
-sum_tbl(STRFILE *t1, STRFILE *t2)
-{
- t1->str_numstr += t2->str_numstr;
- if (t1->str_longlen < t2->str_longlen)
- t1->str_longlen = t2->str_longlen;
- if (t1->str_shortlen > t2->str_shortlen)
- t1->str_shortlen = t2->str_shortlen;
-}
-
-#define STR(str) ((str) == NULL ? "NULL" : (str))
-
-/*
- * print_file_list:
- * Print out the file list
- */
-static void
-print_file_list(void)
-{
- print_list(File_list, 0);
-}
-
-/*
- * print_list:
- * Print out the actual list, recursively.
- */
-static void
-print_list(FILEDESC *list, int lev)
-{
- while (list != NULL) {
- fprintf(stderr, "%*s", lev * 4, "");
- if (list->percent == NO_PROB)
- fprintf(stderr, "___%%");
- else
- fprintf(stderr, "%3d%%", list->percent);
- fprintf(stderr, " %s", STR(list->name));
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " (%s, %s, %s)", STR(list->path),
- STR(list->datfile), STR(list->posfile)));
- fprintf(stderr, "\n");
- if (list->child != NULL)
- print_list(list->child, lev + 1);
- list = list->next;
- }
-}
-
-/*
- * conv_pat:
- * Convert the pattern to an ignore-case equivalent.
- */
-static char *
-conv_pat(char *orig)
-{
- char *sp;
- unsigned int cnt;
- char *new;
-
- cnt = 1; /* allow for '\0' */
- for (sp = orig; *sp != '\0'; sp++)
- if (isalpha((unsigned char)*sp))
- cnt += 4;
- else
- cnt++;
- if ((new = malloc(cnt)) == NULL) {
- fprintf(stderr, "pattern too long for ignoring case\n");
- exit(1);
- }
-
- for (sp = new; *orig != '\0'; orig++) {
- if (islower((unsigned char)*orig)) {
- *sp++ = '[';
- *sp++ = *orig;
- *sp++ = toupper((unsigned char)*orig);
- *sp++ = ']';
- }
- else if (isupper((unsigned char)*orig)) {
- *sp++ = '[';
- *sp++ = *orig;
- *sp++ = tolower((unsigned char)*orig);
- *sp++ = ']';
- }
- else
- *sp++ = *orig;
- }
- *sp = '\0';
-
- return (new);
-}
-
-/*
- * find_matches:
- * Find all the fortunes which match the pattern we've been given.
- */
-static int
-find_matches(void)
-{
- Fort_len = maxlen_in_list(File_list);
- DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "Maximum length is %d\n", Fort_len));
- /* extra length, "%\n" is appended */
- Fortbuf = do_malloc((unsigned int) Fort_len + 10);
-
- Found_one = FALSE;
- matches_in_list(File_list);
-
- return (Found_one);
-}
-
-/*
- * maxlen_in_list
- * Return the maximum fortune len in the file list.
- */
-static int
-maxlen_in_list(FILEDESC *list)
-{
- FILEDESC *fp;
- int len, maxlen;
-
- maxlen = 0;
- for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
- if (fp->child != NULL) {
- if ((len = maxlen_in_list(fp->child)) > maxlen)
- maxlen = len;
- }
- else {
- get_tbl(fp);
- if (fp->tbl.str_longlen > (unsigned int)maxlen)
- maxlen = fp->tbl.str_longlen;
- }
- }
-
- return (maxlen);
-}
-
-/*
- * matches_in_list
- * Print out the matches from the files in the list.
- */
-static void
-matches_in_list(FILEDESC *list)
-{
- char *sp, *p;
- FILEDESC *fp;
- int in_file;
- unsigned char ch;
-
- for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
- if (fp->child != NULL) {
- matches_in_list(fp->child);
- continue;
- }
- DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "searching in %s\n", fp->path));
- open_fp(fp);
- sp = Fortbuf;
- in_file = FALSE;
- while (fgets(sp, Fort_len, fp->inf) != NULL)
- if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_COMMENTS
- && sp[0] == fp->tbl.str_delim
- && sp[1] == fp->tbl.str_delim)
- continue;
- else if (!STR_ENDSTRING(sp, fp->tbl))
- sp += strlen(sp);
- else {
- *sp = '\0';
- if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED)
- for (p = Fortbuf; (ch = *p) != '\0'; ++p) {
- if (isascii(ch)) {
- if (isupper(ch))
- *p = 'A' + (ch - 'A' + 13) % 26;
- else if (islower(ch))
- *p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26;
- }
- }
- if (regexec(&Re_pat, Fortbuf, 0, NULL, 0) != REG_NOMATCH) {
- printf("%c%c", fp->tbl.str_delim,
- fp->tbl.str_delim);
- if (!in_file) {
- printf(" (%s)", fp->name);
- Found_one = TRUE;
- in_file = TRUE;
- }
- putchar('\n');
- (void) fwrite(Fortbuf, 1, (sp - Fortbuf), stdout);
- }
- sp = Fortbuf;
- }
- }
-}
-
-static void
-usage(void)
-{
- (void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune [-a");
-#ifdef DEBUG
- (void) fprintf(stderr, "D");
-#endif /* DEBUG */
- (void) fprintf(stderr, "efilosw]");
- (void) fprintf(stderr, " [-m pattern]");
- (void) fprintf(stderr, " [[N%%] file/directory/all]\n");
- exit(1);
-}
-
-/*
- * getpath
- * Set up file search patch from environment var FORTUNE_PATH;
- * if not set, use the compiled in FORTDIR.
- */
-
-static void
-getpath(void)
-{
- int nstr, foundenv;
- char *pch, **ppch, *str, *path;
-
- foundenv = 1;
- Fortune_path = getenv("FORTUNE_PATH");
- if (Fortune_path == NULL) {
- Fortune_path = FORTDIR;
- foundenv = 0;
- }
- path = strdup(Fortune_path);
-
- for (nstr = 2, pch = path; *pch != '\0'; pch++) {
- if (*pch == ':')
- nstr++;
- }
-
- ppch = Fortune_path_arr = (char **)calloc(nstr, sizeof(char *));
-
- nstr = 0;
- str = strtok(path, ":");
- while (str) {
- if (is_dir(str)) {
- nstr++;
- *ppch++ = str;
- }
- str = strtok(NULL, ":");
- }
-
- if (nstr == 0) {
- if (foundenv == 1) {
- fprintf(stderr,
- "fortune: FORTUNE_PATH: None of the specified "
- "directories found.\n");
- exit(1);
- }
- free(path);
- Fortune_path_arr[0] = strdup(FORTDIR);
- }
-}
+++ /dev/null
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- *
- * @(#)pathnames.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
- * $FreeBSD$
- */
-
-#define FORTDIR "/usr/share/games/fortune:" \
- "/usr/local/share/games/fortune"
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= strfile
-MAN= strfile.8
-MLINKS= strfile.8 unstr.8
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993
-.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\"
-.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
-.\" Ken Arnold.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\" without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\" @(#)strfile.8 8.1 (Berkeley) 6/9/93
-.\" $FreeBSD$
-.\"
-.Dd February 17, 2005
-.Dt STRFILE 8
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm strfile ,
-.Nm unstr
-.Nd "create a random access file for storing strings"
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl Ciorsx
-.Op Fl c Ar char
-.Ar source_file
-.Op Ar output_file
-.Nm unstr
-.Ar source_file
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-The
-.Nm
-utility
-reads a file containing groups of lines separated by a line containing
-a single percent
-.Ql %
-sign and creates a data file which contains
-a header structure and a table of file offsets for each group of lines.
-This allows random access of the strings.
-.Pp
-The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named
-.Ar source_file Ns Pa .dat .
-.Pp
-The options are as follows:
-.Bl -tag -width ".Fl c Ar char"
-.It Fl C
-Flag the file as containing comments.
-This option cases the
-.Dv STR_COMMENTS
-bit in the header
-.Va str_flags
-field to be set.
-Comments are designated by two delimiter characters at the
-beginning of the line, though
-.Nm
-does not give any special
-treatment to comment lines.
-.It Fl c Ar char
-Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to
-.Ar char .
-.It Fl i
-Ignore case when ordering the strings.
-.It Fl o
-Order the strings in alphabetical order.
-The offset table will be sorted in the alphabetical order of the
-groups of lines referenced.
-Any initial non-alphanumeric characters are ignored.
-This option causes the
-.Dv STR_ORDERED
-bit in the header
-.Va str_flags
-field to be set.
-.It Fl r
-Randomize access to the strings.
-Entries in the offset table will be randomly ordered.
-This option causes the
-.Dv STR_RANDOM
-bit in the header
-.Va str_flags
-field to be set.
-.It Fl s
-Run silently; do not give a summary message when finished.
-.It Fl x
-Note that each alphabetic character in the groups of lines is rotated
-13 positions in a simple caesar cypher.
-This option causes the
-.Dv STR_ROTATED
-bit in the header
-.Va str_flags
-field to be set.
-.El
-.Pp
-The format of the header is:
-.Bd -literal
-#define VERSION 1
-uint32_t str_version; /* version number */
-uint32_t str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */
-uint32_t str_longlen; /* length of longest string */
-uint32_t str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */
-#define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */
-#define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */
-#define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */
-#define STR_COMMENTS 0x8 /* embedded comments */
-uint32_t str_flags; /* bit field for flags */
-char str_delim; /* delimiting character */
-.Ed
-.Pp
-All fields are written in network byte order.
-.Pp
-The purpose of
-.Nm unstr
-is to undo the work of
-.Nm .
-It prints out the strings contained in the file
-.Ar source_file
-in the order that they are listed in
-the header file
-.Ar source_file Ns Pa .dat
-to standard output.
-It is possible to create sorted versions of input files by using
-.Fl o
-when
-.Nm
-is run and then using
-.Nm unstr
-to dump them out in the table order.
-.Sh FILES
-.Bl -tag -width ".Pa strfile.dat" -compact
-.It Pa strfile.dat
-default output file.
-.El
-.Sh SEE ALSO
-.Xr byteorder 3 ,
-.Xr fortune 6
-.Sh HISTORY
-The
-.Nm
-utility first appeared in
-.Bx 4.4 .
+++ /dev/null
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Ken Arnold.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#if 0
-#ifndef lint
-static const char copyright[] =
-"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)strfile.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#endif /* not lint */
-#endif
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
-
-#include <sys/param.h>
-#include <sys/endian.h>
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <locale.h>
-#include <stdbool.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <time.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#include "strfile.h"
-
-/*
- * This program takes a file composed of strings separated by
- * lines starting with two consecutive delimiting character (default
- * character is '%') and creates another file which consists of a table
- * describing the file (structure from "strfile.h"), a table of seek
- * pointers to the start of the strings, and the strings, each terminated
- * by a null byte. Usage:
- *
- * % strfile [-iorsx] [ -cC ] sourcefile [ datafile ]
- *
- * C - Allow comments marked by a double delimiter at line's beginning
- * c - Change delimiting character from '%' to 'C'
- * s - Silent. Give no summary of data processed at the end of
- * the run.
- * o - order the strings in alphabetic order
- * i - if ordering, ignore case
- * r - randomize the order of the strings
- * x - set rotated bit
- *
- * Ken Arnold Sept. 7, 1978 --
- *
- * Added ordering options.
- */
-
-#define STORING_PTRS (Oflag || Rflag)
-#define CHUNKSIZE 512
-
-#define ALLOC(ptr, sz) do { \
- if (ptr == NULL) \
- ptr = malloc(CHUNKSIZE * sizeof(*ptr)); \
- else if (((sz) + 1) % CHUNKSIZE == 0) \
- ptr = realloc(ptr, ((sz) + CHUNKSIZE) * sizeof(*ptr)); \
- if (ptr == NULL) { \
- fprintf(stderr, "out of space\n"); \
- exit(1); \
- } \
- } while (0)
-
-typedef struct {
- int first;
- off_t pos;
-} STR;
-
-static char *Infile = NULL, /* input file name */
- Outfile[MAXPATHLEN] = "", /* output file name */
- Delimch = '%'; /* delimiting character */
-
-static int Cflag = false; /* embedded comments */
-static int Sflag = false; /* silent run flag */
-static int Oflag = false; /* ordering flag */
-static int Iflag = false; /* ignore case flag */
-static int Rflag = false; /* randomize order flag */
-static int Xflag = false; /* set rotated bit */
-static uint32_t Num_pts = 0; /* number of pointers/strings */
-
-static off_t *Seekpts;
-
-static FILE *Sort_1, *Sort_2; /* pointers for sorting */
-
-static STRFILE Tbl; /* statistics table */
-
-static STR *Firstch; /* first chars of each string */
-
-static void add_offset(FILE *, off_t);
-static int cmp_str(const void *, const void *);
-static int stable_collate_range_cmp(int, int);
-static void do_order(void);
-static void getargs(int, char **);
-static void randomize(void);
-static void usage(void);
-
-/*
- * main:
- * Drive the sucker. There are two main modes -- either we store
- * the seek pointers, if the table is to be sorted or randomized,
- * or we write the pointer directly to the file, if we are to stay
- * in file order. If the former, we allocate and re-allocate in
- * CHUNKSIZE blocks; if the latter, we just write each pointer,
- * and then seek back to the beginning to write in the table.
- */
-int
-main(int ac, char *av[])
-{
- char *sp, *nsp, dc;
- FILE *inf, *outf;
- off_t last_off, pos, *p;
- size_t length;
- int first;
- uint32_t cnt;
- STR *fp;
- static char string[257];
-
- setlocale(LC_ALL, "");
-
- getargs(ac, av); /* evalute arguments */
- dc = Delimch;
- if ((inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL) {
- perror(Infile);
- exit(1);
- }
-
- if ((outf = fopen(Outfile, "w")) == NULL) {
- perror(Outfile);
- exit(1);
- }
- if (!STORING_PTRS)
- fseek(outf, (long)sizeof(Tbl), SEEK_SET);
-
- /*
- * Write the strings onto the file
- */
-
- Tbl.str_longlen = 0;
- Tbl.str_shortlen = 0xffffffff;
- Tbl.str_delim = dc;
- Tbl.str_version = VERSION;
- first = Oflag;
- add_offset(outf, ftello(inf));
- last_off = 0;
- do {
- sp = fgets(string, 256, inf);
- if (sp == NULL || (sp[0] == dc && sp[1] == '\n')) {
- pos = ftello(inf);
- length = (size_t)(pos - last_off) -
- (sp != NULL ? strlen(sp) : 0);
- last_off = pos;
- if (length == 0)
- continue;
- add_offset(outf, pos);
- if ((size_t)Tbl.str_longlen < length)
- Tbl.str_longlen = length;
- if ((size_t)Tbl.str_shortlen > length)
- Tbl.str_shortlen = length;
- first = Oflag;
- }
- else if (first) {
- for (nsp = sp; !isalnum((unsigned char)*nsp); nsp++)
- continue;
- ALLOC(Firstch, Num_pts);
- fp = &Firstch[Num_pts - 1];
- if (Iflag && isupper((unsigned char)*nsp))
- fp->first = tolower((unsigned char)*nsp);
- else
- fp->first = *nsp;
- fp->pos = Seekpts[Num_pts - 1];
- first = false;
- }
- } while (sp != NULL);
-
- /*
- * write the tables in
- */
-
- fclose(inf);
- Tbl.str_numstr = Num_pts - 1;
-
- if (Cflag)
- Tbl.str_flags |= STR_COMMENTS;
-
- if (Oflag)
- do_order();
- else if (Rflag)
- randomize();
-
- if (Xflag)
- Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ROTATED;
-
- if (!Sflag) {
- printf("\"%s\" created\n", Outfile);
- if (Num_pts == 2)
- puts("There was 1 string");
- else
- printf("There were %u strings\n", Num_pts - 1);
- printf("Longest string: %u byte%s\n", Tbl.str_longlen,
- Tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
- printf("Shortest string: %u byte%s\n", Tbl.str_shortlen,
- Tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
- }
-
- rewind(outf);
- Tbl.str_version = htobe32(Tbl.str_version);
- Tbl.str_numstr = htobe32(Tbl.str_numstr);
- Tbl.str_longlen = htobe32(Tbl.str_longlen);
- Tbl.str_shortlen = htobe32(Tbl.str_shortlen);
- Tbl.str_flags = htobe32(Tbl.str_flags);
- fwrite((char *)&Tbl, sizeof(Tbl), 1, outf);
- if (STORING_PTRS) {
- for (p = Seekpts, cnt = Num_pts; cnt--; ++p)
- *p = htobe64(*p);
- fwrite(Seekpts, sizeof(*Seekpts), (size_t)Num_pts, outf);
- }
- fclose(outf);
- exit(0);
-}
-
-/*
- * This routine evaluates arguments from the command line
- */
-void
-getargs(int argc, char **argv)
-{
- int ch;
-
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "Cc:iorsx")) != -1)
- switch(ch) {
- case 'C': /* embedded comments */
- Cflag++;
- break;
- case 'c': /* new delimiting char */
- Delimch = *optarg;
- if (!isascii(Delimch)) {
- printf("bad delimiting character: '\\%o\n'",
- (unsigned char)Delimch);
- }
- break;
- case 'i': /* ignore case in ordering */
- Iflag++;
- break;
- case 'o': /* order strings */
- Oflag++;
- break;
- case 'r': /* randomize pointers */
- Rflag++;
- break;
- case 's': /* silent */
- Sflag++;
- break;
- case 'x': /* set the rotated bit */
- Xflag++;
- break;
- case '?':
- default:
- usage();
- }
- argv += optind;
-
- if (*argv) {
- Infile = *argv;
- if (*++argv)
- strcpy(Outfile, *argv);
- }
- if (!Infile) {
- puts("No input file name");
- usage();
- }
- if (*Outfile == '\0') {
- strcpy(Outfile, Infile);
- strcat(Outfile, ".dat");
- }
-}
-
-void
-usage(void)
-{
- fprintf(stderr,
- "strfile [-Ciorsx] [-c char] source_file [output_file]\n");
- exit(1);
-}
-
-/*
- * add_offset:
- * Add an offset to the list, or write it out, as appropriate.
- */
-void
-add_offset(FILE *fp, off_t off)
-{
- off_t beoff;
-
- if (!STORING_PTRS) {
- beoff = htobe64(off);
- fwrite(&beoff, 1, sizeof(beoff), fp);
- } else {
- ALLOC(Seekpts, Num_pts + 1);
- Seekpts[Num_pts] = off;
- }
- Num_pts++;
-}
-
-/*
- * do_order:
- * Order the strings alphabetically (possibly ignoring case).
- */
-void
-do_order(void)
-{
- uint32_t i;
- off_t *lp;
- STR *fp;
-
- Sort_1 = fopen(Infile, "r");
- Sort_2 = fopen(Infile, "r");
- qsort(Firstch, (size_t)Tbl.str_numstr, sizeof(*Firstch), cmp_str);
- i = Tbl.str_numstr;
- lp = Seekpts;
- fp = Firstch;
- while (i--)
- *lp++ = fp++->pos;
- fclose(Sort_1);
- fclose(Sort_2);
- Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ORDERED;
-}
-
-static int
-stable_collate_range_cmp(int c1, int c2)
-{
- static char s1[2], s2[2];
- int ret;
-
- s1[0] = c1;
- s2[0] = c2;
- if ((ret = strcoll(s1, s2)) != 0)
- return (ret);
- return (c1 - c2);
-}
-
-/*
- * cmp_str:
- * Compare two strings in the file
- */
-int
-cmp_str(const void *s1, const void *s2)
-{
- const STR *p1, *p2;
- int c1, c2, n1, n2, r;
-
-#define SET_N(nf,ch) (nf = (ch == '\n'))
-#define IS_END(ch,nf) (ch == EOF || (ch == (unsigned char)Delimch && nf))
-
- p1 = (const STR *)s1;
- p2 = (const STR *)s2;
-
- c1 = (unsigned char)p1->first;
- c2 = (unsigned char)p2->first;
- if ((r = stable_collate_range_cmp(c1, c2)) != 0)
- return (r);
-
- fseeko(Sort_1, p1->pos, SEEK_SET);
- fseeko(Sort_2, p2->pos, SEEK_SET);
-
- n1 = false;
- n2 = false;
- while (!isalnum(c1 = getc(Sort_1)) && c1 != '\0' && c1 != EOF)
- SET_N(n1, c1);
- while (!isalnum(c2 = getc(Sort_2)) && c2 != '\0' && c2 != EOF)
- SET_N(n2, c2);
-
- while (!IS_END(c1, n1) && !IS_END(c2, n2)) {
- if (Iflag) {
- if (isupper(c1))
- c1 = tolower(c1);
- if (isupper(c2))
- c2 = tolower(c2);
- }
- if ((r = stable_collate_range_cmp(c1, c2)) != 0)
- return (r);
- SET_N(n1, c1);
- SET_N(n2, c2);
- c1 = getc(Sort_1);
- c2 = getc(Sort_2);
- }
- if (IS_END(c1, n1))
- c1 = 0;
- if (IS_END(c2, n2))
- c2 = 0;
-
- return (stable_collate_range_cmp(c1, c2));
-}
-
-/*
- * randomize:
- * Randomize the order of the string table. We must be careful
- * not to randomize across delimiter boundaries. All
- * randomization is done within each block.
- */
-void
-randomize(void)
-{
- uint32_t cnt, i;
- off_t tmp;
- off_t *sp;
-
-#if __FreeBSD_version < 800041
- srandomdev();
-#endif
-
- Tbl.str_flags |= STR_RANDOM;
- cnt = Tbl.str_numstr;
-
- /*
- * move things around randomly
- */
-
- for (sp = Seekpts; cnt > 0; cnt--, sp++) {
-#if __FreeBSD_version < 800041
- i = random() % cnt;
-#else
- i = arc4random_uniform(cnt);
-#endif
- tmp = sp[0];
- sp[0] = sp[i];
- sp[i] = tmp;
- }
-}
+++ /dev/null
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Ken Arnold.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- *
- * @(#)strfile.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
- */
-/* $FreeBSD$ */
-
-#include <sys/types.h>
-
-#define STR_ENDSTRING(line,tbl) \
- (((unsigned char)(line)[0]) == (tbl).str_delim && (line)[1] == '\n')
-
-typedef struct { /* information table */
-#define VERSION 1
- uint32_t str_version; /* version number */
- uint32_t str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */
- uint32_t str_longlen; /* length of longest string */
- uint32_t str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */
-#define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */
-#define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */
-#define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */
-#define STR_COMMENTS 0x8 /* embedded comments */
- uint32_t str_flags; /* bit field for flags */
- unsigned char stuff[4]; /* 64-bit aligned space */
-#define str_delim stuff[0] /* delimiting character */
-} STRFILE;
+++ /dev/null
-#!/bin/sh -
-#
-# @(#)Do_spell 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-#
-
-F=_spell.$$
-echo $1
-spell < $1 > $F
-sort $F $1.sp.ok | uniq -u | column
-rm -f $F
+++ /dev/null
-#!/bin/csh -f
-#
-# @(#)Do_troff 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-#
-
-set file=$1
-shift
-( echo ".ds Se $file" ; cat Troff.mac ; sed -f Troff.sed $file ) | \
- $* -me >& $file.tr
-echo troff output in $file.tr
+++ /dev/null
-.nr tp 8
-.nr hm 3v
-.nr fm 2v
-.nr tm 5v
-.nr bm 4v
-.cs R
-.sc
-.sz 6
-.ll +10n
-.lt \n(.l
-.de $h
-.tl 'Fortune Database'\\*(Se'\*(td'
-..
-.de $f
-.tl ''- % -''
-..
-.2c
-.nf
-.ta
-.ta 8n 16n 24n 32n 40n 48n 56n 64n 72n 80n
-.de %%
-.sp .3
-.ce
-\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq
-.sp .2
-..
+++ /dev/null
-/^['.]/s//\\\&&/
-/^%%/s//.&/
-/--/s//\\*-/g
-/_\ba-squared cos 2(phi)/s//\\fIa\\fP\\u2\\d cos 2\\(*f/
-/__*\b\b*\([a-zA-Z]*\)/s//\\fI\1\\fP/g
-/"\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*:/g
-/`\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*`/g
-/'\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*'/g
-/~\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*~/g
-/\^\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*^/g
-/,\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*,/g
-/\(.\)\b\(.\)/s//\\o_\1\2_/g
-/\a\a*/s//\\(bs/g
+++ /dev/null
-#! /bin/sh
-#
-# @(#)do_sort 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-#
-# an aggressive little script for sorting the fortune files
-# depends on octal 02 and 03 not being anywhere in the files.
-
-sp="/usr/bin/sort -dfu -T /var/tmp"
-
-sed 's/^%$/\ 2/' | tr '\12' '\3' | tr '\2' '\12' |
- sed -e 's/^\ 3//' -e '/^$/d' -e 's/$/%/' |
- $sp | tr '\3' '\12'
+++ /dev/null
-#!/usr/local/bin/python
-#
-# $FreeBSD$
-#
-# an aggressive little script for trimming duplicate cookies
-
-import argparse
-import re
-
-wordlist = [
- 'hadnot',
- 'donot', 'hadnt',
- 'dont', 'have', 'more', 'will', 'your',
- 'and', 'are', 'had', 'the', 'you',
- 'am', 'an', 'is', 'll', 've', 'we',
- 'a', 'd', 'i', 'm', 's',
-]
-
-
-def hash(fortune):
- f = fortune
- f = f.lower()
- f = re.sub('[\W_]', '', f)
- for word in wordlist:
- f = re.sub(word, '', f)
-# f = re.sub('[aeiouy]', '', f)
-# f = re.sub('[^aeiouy]', '', f)
- f = f[:30]
-# f = f[-30:]
- return f
-
-
-def edit(datfile):
- dups = {}
- fortunes = []
- fortune = ""
- with open(datfile, "r") as datfiledf:
- for line in datfiledf:
- if line == "%\n":
- key = hash(fortune)
- if key not in dups:
- dups[key] = []
- dups[key].append(fortune)
- fortunes.append(fortune)
- fortune = ""
- else:
- fortune += line
- for key in list(dups.keys()):
- if len(dups[key]) == 1:
- del dups[key]
- with open(datfile + "~", "w") as o:
- for fortune in fortunes:
- key = hash(fortune)
- if key in dups:
- print('\n' * 50)
- for f in dups[key]:
- if f != fortune:
- print(f, '%')
- print(fortune, '%')
- if input("Remove last fortune? ") == 'y':
- del dups[key]
- continue
- o.write(fortune + "%\n")
-
-parser = argparse.ArgumentParser(description="trimming duplicate cookies")
-parser.add_argument("filename", type=str, nargs=1)
-args = parser.parse_args()
-edit(args.filename[0])
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= unstr
-MAN=
-CFLAGS+= -I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Ken Arnold.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#if 0
-#ifndef lint
-static const char copyright[] =
-"@(#) Copyright (c) 1991, 1993\n\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)unstr.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#endif /* not lint */
-#endif
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
-
-/*
- * This program un-does what "strfile" makes, thereby obtaining the
- * original file again. This can be invoked with the name of the output
- * file, the input file, or both. If invoked with only a single argument
- * ending in ".dat", it is pressumed to be the input file and the output
- * file will be the same stripped of the ".dat". If the single argument
- * doesn't end in ".dat", then it is presumed to be the output file, and
- * the input file is that name prepended by a ".dat". If both are given
- * they are treated literally as the input and output files.
- *
- * Ken Arnold Aug 13, 1978
- */
-
-#include <sys/param.h>
-#include <sys/endian.h>
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <err.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-
-#include "strfile.h"
-
-static char *Infile, /* name of input file */
- Datafile[MAXPATHLEN], /* name of data file */
- Delimch; /* delimiter character */
-
-static FILE *Inf, *Dataf;
-
-static void order_unstr(STRFILE *);
-
-/* ARGSUSED */
-int
-main(int argc, char *argv[])
-{
- static STRFILE tbl; /* description table */
-
- if (argc != 2) {
- fprintf(stderr, "usage: unstr datafile\n");
- exit(1);
- }
- Infile = argv[1];
- strcpy(Datafile, Infile);
- strcat(Datafile, ".dat");
- if ((Inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL)
- err(1, "%s", Infile);
- if ((Dataf = fopen(Datafile, "r")) == NULL)
- err(1, "%s", Datafile);
- fread((char *)&tbl, sizeof(tbl), 1, Dataf);
- tbl.str_version = be32toh(tbl.str_version);
- tbl.str_numstr = be32toh(tbl.str_numstr);
- tbl.str_longlen = be32toh(tbl.str_longlen);
- tbl.str_shortlen = be32toh(tbl.str_shortlen);
- tbl.str_flags = be32toh(tbl.str_flags);
- if (!(tbl.str_flags & (STR_ORDERED | STR_RANDOM)))
- errx(1, "nothing to do -- table in file order");
- Delimch = tbl.str_delim;
- order_unstr(&tbl);
- fclose(Inf);
- fclose(Dataf);
- exit(0);
-}
-
-static void
-order_unstr(STRFILE *tbl)
-{
- uint32_t i;
- char *sp;
- off_t pos;
- char buf[BUFSIZ];
-
- for (i = 0; i < tbl->str_numstr; i++) {
- fread(&pos, 1, sizeof(pos), Dataf);
- fseeko(Inf, be64toh(pos), SEEK_SET);
- if (i != 0)
- printf("%c\n", Delimch);
- for (;;) {
- sp = fgets(buf, sizeof(buf), Inf);
- if (sp == NULL || STR_ENDSTRING(sp, *tbl))
- break;
- else
- fputs(sp, stdout);
- }
- }
-}
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= grdc
-MAN= grdc.6
-DPADD= ${LIBNCURSESW}
-LDADD= -lncursesw
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
- lib/ncurses/ncursesw \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-.\" $FreeBSD$
-.Dd September 25, 2001
-.Dt GRDC 6
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm grdc
-.Nd grand digital clock (curses)
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl st
-.Op Ar n
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-.Nm
-runs a digital clock made of reverse-video blanks on a curses
-compatible VDU screen.
-With an optional numeric argument
-.Ar n
-it stops after
-.Ar n
-seconds (default never).
-The optional
-.Fl s
-flag makes digits scroll as they change.
-The optional
-.Fl t
-flag tells grdc to output the time in a 12-hour format.
-In this curses mode implementation,
-the scrolling option has trouble keeping up.
-.Sh AUTHORS
-.An -nosplit
-.An Amos Shapir ,
-modified for curses by
-.An John Lupien .
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Grand digital clock for curses compatible terminals
- * Usage: grdc [-st] [n] -- run for n seconds (default infinity)
- * Flags: -s: scroll
- * -t: output time in 12-hour format
- *
- *
- * modified 10-18-89 for curses (jrl)
- * 10-18-89 added signal handling
- *
- * modified 03-25-03 for 12 hour option
- * - Samy Al Bahra <samy@kerneled.com>
- *
- * $FreeBSD$
- */
-
-#include <err.h>
-#include <ncurses.h>
-#include <signal.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <time.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#define YBASE 10
-#define XBASE 10
-#define XLENGTH 58
-#define YDEPTH 7
-
-static struct timespec now;
-static struct tm *tm;
-
-static short disp[11] = {
- 075557, 011111, 071747, 071717, 055711,
- 074717, 074757, 071111, 075757, 075717, 002020
-};
-static long old[6], next[6], new[6], mask;
-
-static volatile sig_atomic_t sigtermed;
-
-static int hascolor = 0;
-
-static void set(int, int);
-static void standt(int);
-static void movto(int, int);
-static void sighndl(int);
-static void usage(void);
-
-static void
-sighndl(int signo)
-{
-
- sigtermed = signo;
-}
-
-int
-main(int argc, char *argv[])
-{
- struct timespec delay;
- time_t prev_sec;
- long t, a;
- int i, j, s, k;
- int n;
- int ch;
- int scrol;
- int t12;
-
- t12 = scrol = 0;
-
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "ts")) != -1)
- switch (ch) {
- case 's':
- scrol = 1;
- break;
- case 't':
- t12 = 1;
- break;
- case '?':
- default:
- usage();
- /* NOTREACHED */
- }
- argc -= optind;
- argv += optind;
-
- if (argc > 1) {
- usage();
- /* NOTREACHED */
- }
-
- if (argc > 0) {
- n = atoi(*argv) + 1;
- if (n < 1) {
- warnx("number of seconds is out of range");
- usage();
- /* NOTREACHED */
- }
- } else
- n = 0;
-
- initscr();
-
- signal(SIGINT,sighndl);
- signal(SIGTERM,sighndl);
- signal(SIGHUP,sighndl);
-
- cbreak();
- noecho();
- curs_set(0);
-
- hascolor = has_colors();
-
- if(hascolor) {
- start_color();
- init_pair(1, COLOR_BLACK, COLOR_RED);
- init_pair(2, COLOR_RED, COLOR_BLACK);
- init_pair(3, COLOR_WHITE, COLOR_BLACK);
- attrset(COLOR_PAIR(2));
- }
-
- clear();
- refresh();
-
- if(hascolor) {
- attrset(COLOR_PAIR(3));
-
- mvaddch(YBASE - 2, XBASE - 3, ACS_ULCORNER);
- hline(ACS_HLINE, XLENGTH);
- mvaddch(YBASE - 2, XBASE - 2 + XLENGTH, ACS_URCORNER);
-
- mvaddch(YBASE + YDEPTH - 1, XBASE - 3, ACS_LLCORNER);
- hline(ACS_HLINE, XLENGTH);
- mvaddch(YBASE + YDEPTH - 1, XBASE - 2 + XLENGTH, ACS_LRCORNER);
-
- move(YBASE - 1, XBASE - 3);
- vline(ACS_VLINE, YDEPTH);
-
- move(YBASE - 1, XBASE - 2 + XLENGTH);
- vline(ACS_VLINE, YDEPTH);
-
- attrset(COLOR_PAIR(2));
- }
- clock_gettime(CLOCK_REALTIME_FAST, &now);
- prev_sec = now.tv_sec;
- do {
- mask = 0;
- tm = localtime(&now.tv_sec);
- set(tm->tm_sec%10, 0);
- set(tm->tm_sec/10, 4);
- set(tm->tm_min%10, 10);
- set(tm->tm_min/10, 14);
-
- if (t12) {
- if (tm->tm_hour < 12) {
- if (tm->tm_hour == 0)
- tm->tm_hour = 12;
- mvaddstr(YBASE + 5, XBASE + 52, "AM");
- } else {
- if (tm->tm_hour > 12)
- tm->tm_hour -= 12;
- mvaddstr(YBASE + 5, XBASE + 52, "PM");
- }
- }
-
- set(tm->tm_hour%10, 20);
- set(tm->tm_hour/10, 24);
- set(10, 7);
- set(10, 17);
- for(k=0; k<6; k++) {
- if(scrol) {
- for(i=0; i<5; i++)
- new[i] = (new[i]&~mask) | (new[i+1]&mask);
- new[5] = (new[5]&~mask) | (next[k]&mask);
- } else
- new[k] = (new[k]&~mask) | (next[k]&mask);
- next[k] = 0;
- for(s=1; s>=0; s--) {
- standt(s);
- for(i=0; i<6; i++) {
- if((a = (new[i]^old[i])&(s ? new : old)[i]) != 0) {
- for(j=0,t=1<<26; t; t>>=1,j++) {
- if(a&t) {
- if(!(a&(t<<1))) {
- movto(YBASE + i, XBASE + 2*j);
- }
- addstr(" ");
- }
- }
- }
- if(!s) {
- old[i] = new[i];
- }
- }
- if(!s) {
- refresh();
- }
- }
- }
- movto(6, 0);
- refresh();
- clock_gettime(CLOCK_REALTIME_FAST, &now);
- if (now.tv_sec == prev_sec) {
- if (delay.tv_nsec > 0) {
- delay.tv_sec = 0;
- delay.tv_nsec = 1000000000 - now.tv_nsec;
- } else {
- delay.tv_sec = 1;
- delay.tv_nsec = 0;
- }
- nanosleep(&delay, NULL);
- clock_gettime(CLOCK_REALTIME_FAST, &now);
- }
- n -= now.tv_sec - prev_sec;
- prev_sec = now.tv_sec;
- if (sigtermed) {
- standend();
- clear();
- refresh();
- endwin();
- errx(1, "terminated by signal %d", (int)sigtermed);
- }
- } while (n);
- standend();
- clear();
- refresh();
- endwin();
- return(0);
-}
-
-static void
-set(int t, int n)
-{
- int i, m;
-
- m = 7<<n;
- for(i=0; i<5; i++) {
- next[i] |= ((disp[t]>>(4-i)*3)&07)<<n;
- mask |= (next[i]^old[i])&m;
- }
- if(mask&m)
- mask |= m;
-}
-
-static void
-standt(int on)
-{
- if (on) {
- if(hascolor) {
- attron(COLOR_PAIR(1));
- } else {
- attron(A_STANDOUT);
- }
- } else {
- if(hascolor) {
- attron(COLOR_PAIR(2));
- } else {
- attroff(A_STANDOUT);
- }
- }
-}
-
-static void
-movto(int line, int col)
-{
- move(line, col);
-}
-
-static void
-usage(void)
-{
-
- (void)fprintf(stderr, "usage: grdc [-st] [n]\n");
- exit(1);
-}
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= morse
-MAN= morse.6
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-.\" Copyright (c) 2000 Alexey Zelkin. All rights reserved.
-.\" Copyright (c) 1988, 1991, 1993
-.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\" without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\" @(#)bcd.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-.\" $FreeBSD$
-.\"
-.Dd June 7, 2005
-.Dt MORSE 6
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm morse
-.Nd reformat input as morse code
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl elps
-.Op Fl d Ar device
-.Op Fl w Ar speed
-.Op Fl c Ar speed
-.Op Fl f Ar frequency
-.Op Ar string ...
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-The
-.Nm
-command reads the given input and reformats it in the form of morse code.
-Acceptable input are command line arguments or the standard input.
-.Pp
-Available options:
-.Bl -tag -width indent
-.It Fl l
-The
-.Fl l
-option produces output suitable for
-.Xr led 4
-devices.
-.It Fl s
-The
-.Fl s
-option produces dots and dashes rather than words.
-.It Fl p
-Send morse the real way.
-This only works if your system has
-.Xr speaker 4
-support.
-.It Fl w Ar speed
-Set the sending speed in words per minute.
-If not specified, the default
-speed of 20 WPM is used.
-.It Fl c Ar speed
-Farnsworth support.
-Set the spacing between characters in words per minute.
-This is independent of the speed
-that the individual characters are sent.
-If not specified, defaults to the effective value of the
-.Fl w
-option.
-.It Fl f Ar frequency
-Set the sidetone frequency to something other than the default 600 Hz.
-.It Fl d Ar device
-Similar to
-.Fl p ,
-but use the RTS line of
-.Ar device
-(which must by a TTY device)
-in order to emit the morse code.
-.It Fl e
-Echo each character before it is sent, used together with either
-.Fl p
-or
-.Fl d .
-.El
-.Pp
-The
-.Fl w , c
-and
-.Fl f
-flags only work in conjunction with either the
-.Fl p
-or the
-.Fl d
-flag.
-.Pp
-Not all prosigns have corresponding characters.
-Use
-.Ql #
-for
-.Em AS ,
-.Ql &
-for
-.Em SK ,
-.Ql *
-for
-.Em VE
-and
-.Ql %
-for
-.Em BK .
-The more common prosigns are
-.Ql =
-for
-.Em BT ,
-.Ql \&(
-for
-.Em KN
-and
-.Ql +
-for
-.Em AR .
-.Pp
-Using the
-.Fl d
-flag,
-it is possible to key an external device, like a sidetone generator with
-a headset for training purposes, or even your ham radio transceiver.
-For
-the latter, simply connect an NPN transistor to the serial port
-.Ar device ,
-emitter connected to ground, base connected through a resistor
-(few kiloohms) to RTS, collector to the key line of your transceiver
-(assuming the transceiver has a positive key supply voltage and is keyed
-by grounding the key input line).
-A capacitor (some nanofarads) between
-base and ground is advisable to keep stray RF away,
-and to suppress the
-minor glitch that is generated during program startup.
-.Sh ENVIRONMENT
-Your
-.Ev LC_CTYPE
-locale codeset determines how
-characters with the high-order bit set
-are interpreted.
-.Pp
-.Bl -tag -width ".Li ISO8859-15" -compact
-.It Li ISO8859-1
-.It Li ISO8859-15
-Interpret characters with the high-order bit set as Western European characters.
-.Pp
-.It Li KOI8-R
-Interpret characters with the high-order bit set as Cyrillic characters.
-.Pp
-.It Li ISO8859-7
-Interpret characters with the high-order bit set as Greek characters.
-.El
-.Sh FILES
-.Bl -tag -width ".Pa /dev/speaker" -compact
-.It Pa /dev/speaker
-.Xr speaker 4
-device file
-.El
-.Sh SEE ALSO
-.Xr speaker 4
-.Sh HISTORY
-Sound support for
-.Nm
-added by
-.An Lyndon Nerenberg (VE6BBM) Aq Mt lyndon@orthanc.ca .
-.Pp
-Ability to key an external device added by
-.An J\(:org Wunsch
-(DL8DTL).
-.Pp
-Farnsworth support for
-.Nm
-added by
-.An Stephen Cravey (N5UUU).
-.Sh BUGS
-Only understands a few European characters
-(German and French),
-no Asian characters,
-and no continental landline code.
-.Pp
-Sends a bit slower than it should due to system overhead.
-Some people would call this a feature.
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1988, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-/*
- * Taught to send *real* morse by Lyndon Nerenberg (VE6BBM)
- * <lyndon@orthanc.ca>
- */
-
-#ifndef lint
-static const char copyright[] =
-"@(#) Copyright (c) 1988, 1993\n\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-#if 0
-static char sccsid[] = "@(#)morse.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#endif
-static const char rcsid[] =
- "$FreeBSD$";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#include <sys/time.h>
-
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <fcntl.h>
-#include <langinfo.h>
-#include <locale.h>
-#include <signal.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <termios.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-/* Always use the speaker, let the open fail if -p is selected */
-#define SPEAKER "/dev/speaker"
-
-#ifdef SPEAKER
-#include <dev/speaker/speaker.h>
-#endif
-
-struct morsetab {
- const char inchar;
- const char *morse;
-};
-
-static const struct morsetab mtab[] = {
-
- /* letters */
-
- {'a', ".-"},
- {'b', "-..."},
- {'c', "-.-."},
- {'d', "-.."},
- {'e', "."},
- {'f', "..-."},
- {'g', "--."},
- {'h', "...."},
- {'i', ".."},
- {'j', ".---"},
- {'k', "-.-"},
- {'l', ".-.."},
- {'m', "--"},
- {'n', "-."},
- {'o', "---"},
- {'p', ".--."},
- {'q', "--.-"},
- {'r', ".-."},
- {'s', "..."},
- {'t', "-"},
- {'u', "..-"},
- {'v', "...-"},
- {'w', ".--"},
- {'x', "-..-"},
- {'y', "-.--"},
- {'z', "--.."},
-
- /* digits */
-
- {'0', "-----"},
- {'1', ".----"},
- {'2', "..---"},
- {'3', "...--"},
- {'4', "....-"},
- {'5', "....."},
- {'6', "-...."},
- {'7', "--..."},
- {'8', "---.."},
- {'9', "----."},
-
- /* punctuation */
-
- {',', "--..--"},
- {'.', ".-.-.-"},
- {'"', ".-..-."},
- {'!', "..--."},
- {'?', "..--.."},
- {'/', "-..-."},
- {'-', "-....-"},
- {'=', "-...-"}, /* BT */
- {':', "---..."},
- {';', "-.-.-."},
- {'(', "-.--."}, /* KN */
- {')', "-.--.-"},
- {'$', "...-..-"},
- {'+', ".-.-."}, /* AR */
- {'@', ".--.-."}, /* AC */
-
- /* prosigns without already assigned values */
-
- {'#', ".-..."}, /* AS */
- {'&', "...-.-"}, /* SK */
- {'*', "...-."}, /* VE */
- {'%', "-...-.-"}, /* BK */
-
- {'\0', ""}
-};
-
-/*
- * Code-points for some Latin1 chars in ISO-8859-1 encoding.
- * UTF-8 encoded chars in the comments.
- */
-static const struct morsetab iso8859_1tab[] = {
- {'\340', ".--.-"}, /* à */
- {'\341', ".--.-"}, /* á */
- {'\342', ".--.-"}, /* â */
- {'\344', ".-.-"}, /* ä */
- {'\347', "-.-.."}, /* ç */
- {'\350', "..-.."}, /* è */
- {'\351', "..-.."}, /* é */
- {'\352', "-..-."}, /* ê */
- {'\366', "---."}, /* ö */
- {'\374', "..--"}, /* ü */
-
- {'\0', ""}
-};
-
-/*
- * Code-points for some Greek chars in ISO-8859-7 encoding.
- * UTF-8 encoded chars in the comments.
- */
-static const struct morsetab iso8859_7tab[] = {
- /*
- * This table does not implement:
- * - the special sequences for the seven diphthongs,
- * - the punctuation differences.
- * Implementing these features would introduce too many
- * special-cases in the program's main loop.
- * The diphthong sequences are:
- * alpha iota .-.-
- * alpha upsilon ..--
- * epsilon upsilon ---.
- * eta upsilon ...-
- * omicron iota ---..
- * omicron upsilon ..-
- * upsilon iota .---
- * The different punctuation symbols are:
- * ; ..-.-
- * ! --..--
- */
- {'\341', ".-"}, /* α, alpha */
- {'\334', ".-"}, /* ά, alpha with acute */
- {'\342', "-..."}, /* β, beta */
- {'\343', "--."}, /* γ, gamma */
- {'\344', "-.."}, /* δ, delta */
- {'\345', "."}, /* ε, epsilon */
- {'\335', "."}, /* έ, epsilon with acute */
- {'\346', "--.."}, /* ζ, zeta */
- {'\347', "...."}, /* η, eta */
- {'\336', "...."}, /* ή, eta with acute */
- {'\350', "-.-."}, /* θ, theta */
- {'\351', ".."}, /* ι, iota */
- {'\337', ".."}, /* ί, iota with acute */
- {'\372', ".."}, /* ϊ, iota with diaeresis */
- {'\300', ".."}, /* ΐ, iota with acute and diaeresis */
- {'\352', "-.-"}, /* κ, kappa */
- {'\353', ".-.."}, /* λ, lambda */
- {'\354', "--"}, /* μ, mu */
- {'\355', "-."}, /* ν, nu */
- {'\356', "-..-"}, /* ξ, xi */
- {'\357', "---"}, /* ο, omicron */
- {'\374', "---"}, /* ό, omicron with acute */
- {'\360', ".--."}, /* π, pi */
- {'\361', ".-."}, /* ρ, rho */
- {'\363', "..."}, /* σ, sigma */
- {'\362', "..."}, /* ς, final sigma */
- {'\364', "-"}, /* τ, tau */
- {'\365', "-.--"}, /* υ, upsilon */
- {'\375', "-.--"}, /* ύ, upsilon with acute */
- {'\373', "-.--"}, /* ϋ, upsilon and diaeresis */
- {'\340', "-.--"}, /* ΰ, upsilon with acute and diaeresis */
- {'\366', "..-."}, /* φ, phi */
- {'\367', "----"}, /* χ, chi */
- {'\370', "--.-"}, /* ψ, psi */
- {'\371', ".--"}, /* ω, omega */
- {'\376', ".--"}, /* ώ, omega with acute */
-
- {'\0', ""}
-};
-
-/*
- * Code-points for the Cyrillic alphabet in KOI8-R encoding.
- * UTF-8 encoded chars in the comments.
- */
-static const struct morsetab koi8rtab[] = {
- {'\301', ".-"}, /* а, a */
- {'\302', "-..."}, /* б, be */
- {'\327', ".--"}, /* в, ve */
- {'\307', "--."}, /* г, ge */
- {'\304', "-.."}, /* д, de */
- {'\305', "."}, /* е, ye */
- {'\243', "."}, /* ё, yo, the same as ye */
- {'\326', "...-"}, /* ж, she */
- {'\332', "--.."}, /* з, ze */
- {'\311', ".."}, /* и, i */
- {'\312', ".---"}, /* й, i kratkoye */
- {'\313', "-.-"}, /* к, ka */
- {'\314', ".-.."}, /* л, el */
- {'\315', "--"}, /* м, em */
- {'\316', "-."}, /* н, en */
- {'\317', "---"}, /* о, o */
- {'\320', ".--."}, /* п, pe */
- {'\322', ".-."}, /* р, er */
- {'\323', "..."}, /* с, es */
- {'\324', "-"}, /* т, te */
- {'\325', "..-"}, /* у, u */
- {'\306', "..-."}, /* ф, ef */
- {'\310', "...."}, /* х, kha */
- {'\303', "-.-."}, /* ц, ce */
- {'\336', "---."}, /* ч, che */
- {'\333', "----"}, /* ш, sha */
- {'\335', "--.-"}, /* щ, shcha */
- {'\331', "-.--"}, /* ы, yi */
- {'\330', "-..-"}, /* ь, myakhkij znak */
- {'\334', "..-.."}, /* э, ae */
- {'\300', "..--"}, /* ю, yu */
- {'\321', ".-.-"}, /* я, ya */
-
- {'\0', ""}
-};
-
-static void show(const char *), play(const char *), morse(char);
-static void ttyout(const char *);
-static void sighandler(int);
-
-#define GETOPTOPTS "c:d:ef:lsw:"
-#define USAGE \
-"usage: morse [-els] [-d device] [-w speed] [-c speed] [-f frequency] [string ...]\n"
-
-static int pflag, lflag, sflag, eflag;
-static int wpm = 20; /* effective words per minute */
-static int cpm; /* effective words per minute between
- * characters */
-#define FREQUENCY 600
-static int freq = FREQUENCY;
-static char *device; /* for tty-controlled generator */
-
-#define DASH_LEN 3
-#define CHAR_SPACE 3
-#define WORD_SPACE (7 - CHAR_SPACE - 1)
-static float dot_clock;
-static float cdot_clock;
-static int spkr, line;
-static struct termios otty, ntty;
-static int olflags;
-
-#ifdef SPEAKER
-static tone_t sound;
-#undef GETOPTOPTS
-#define GETOPTOPTS "c:d:ef:lpsw:"
-#undef USAGE
-#define USAGE \
-"usage: morse [-elps] [-d device] [-w speed] [-c speed] [-f frequency] [string ...]\n"
-#endif
-
-static const struct morsetab *hightab;
-
-int
-main(int argc, char **argv)
-{
- int ch, lflags;
- char *p, *codeset;
-
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, GETOPTOPTS)) != -1)
- switch ((char) ch) {
- case 'c':
- cpm = atoi(optarg);
- break;
- case 'd':
- device = optarg;
- break;
- case 'e':
- eflag = 1;
- setvbuf(stdout, 0, _IONBF, 0);
- break;
- case 'f':
- freq = atoi(optarg);
- break;
- case 'l':
- lflag = 1;
- break;
-#ifdef SPEAKER
- case 'p':
- pflag = 1;
- break;
-#endif
- case 's':
- sflag = 1;
- break;
- case 'w':
- wpm = atoi(optarg);
- break;
- case '?':
- default:
- fputs(USAGE, stderr);
- exit(1);
- }
- if (sflag && lflag) {
- fputs("morse: only one of -l and -s allowed\n", stderr);
- exit(1);
- }
- if ((pflag || device) && (sflag || lflag)) {
- fputs("morse: only one of -p, -d and -l, -s allowed\n", stderr);
- exit(1);
- }
- if (cpm == 0)
- cpm = wpm;
- if ((pflag || device) && ((wpm < 1) || (wpm > 60) || (cpm < 1) || (cpm > 60))) {
- fputs("morse: insane speed\n", stderr);
- exit(1);
- }
- if ((pflag || device) && (freq == 0))
- freq = FREQUENCY;
-
-#ifdef SPEAKER
- if (pflag) {
- if ((spkr = open(SPEAKER, O_WRONLY, 0)) == -1) {
- perror(SPEAKER);
- exit(1);
- }
- } else
-#endif
- if (device) {
- if ((line = open(device, O_WRONLY | O_NONBLOCK)) == -1) {
- perror("open tty line");
- exit(1);
- }
- if (tcgetattr(line, &otty) == -1) {
- perror("tcgetattr() failed");
- exit(1);
- }
- ntty = otty;
- ntty.c_cflag |= CLOCAL;
- tcsetattr(line, TCSANOW, &ntty);
- lflags = fcntl(line, F_GETFL);
- lflags &= ~O_NONBLOCK;
- fcntl(line, F_SETFL, &lflags);
- ioctl(line, TIOCMGET, &lflags);
- lflags &= ~TIOCM_RTS;
- olflags = lflags;
- ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &lflags);
- (void)signal(SIGHUP, sighandler);
- (void)signal(SIGINT, sighandler);
- (void)signal(SIGQUIT, sighandler);
- (void)signal(SIGTERM, sighandler);
- }
- if (pflag || device) {
- dot_clock = wpm / 2.4; /* dots/sec */
- dot_clock = 1 / dot_clock; /* duration of a dot */
- dot_clock = dot_clock / 2; /* dot_clock runs at twice */
- /* the dot rate */
- dot_clock = dot_clock * 100; /* scale for ioctl */
-
- cdot_clock = cpm / 2.4; /* dots/sec */
- cdot_clock = 1 / cdot_clock; /* duration of a dot */
- cdot_clock = cdot_clock / 2; /* dot_clock runs at twice */
- /* the dot rate */
- cdot_clock = cdot_clock * 100; /* scale for ioctl */
- }
-
- argc -= optind;
- argv += optind;
-
- if (setlocale(LC_CTYPE, "") != NULL &&
- *(codeset = nl_langinfo(CODESET)) != '\0') {
- if (strcmp(codeset, "KOI8-R") == 0)
- hightab = koi8rtab;
- else if (strcmp(codeset, "ISO8859-1") == 0 ||
- strcmp(codeset, "ISO8859-15") == 0)
- hightab = iso8859_1tab;
- else if (strcmp(codeset, "ISO8859-7") == 0)
- hightab = iso8859_7tab;
- }
-
- if (lflag)
- printf("m");
- if (*argv) {
- do {
- for (p = *argv; *p; ++p) {
- if (eflag)
- putchar(*p);
- morse(*p);
- }
- if (eflag)
- putchar(' ');
- morse(' ');
- } while (*++argv);
- } else {
- while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF) {
- if (eflag)
- putchar(ch);
- morse(ch);
- }
- }
- if (device)
- tcsetattr(line, TCSANOW, &otty);
- exit(0);
-}
-
-static void
-morse(char c)
-{
- const struct morsetab *m;
-
- if (isalpha((unsigned char)c))
- c = tolower((unsigned char)c);
- if ((c == '\r') || (c == '\n'))
- c = ' ';
- if (c == ' ') {
- if (pflag)
- play(" ");
- else if (device)
- ttyout(" ");
- else if (lflag)
- printf("\n");
- else
- show("");
- return;
- }
- for (m = ((unsigned char)c < 0x80? mtab: hightab);
- m != NULL && m->inchar != '\0';
- m++) {
- if (m->inchar == c) {
- if (pflag) {
- play(m->morse);
- } else if (device) {
- ttyout(m->morse);
- } else
- show(m->morse);
- }
- }
-}
-
-static void
-show(const char *s)
-{
- if (lflag) {
- printf("%s ", s);
- } else if (sflag) {
- printf(" %s\n", s);
- } else {
- for (; *s; ++s)
- printf(" %s", *s == '.' ? *(s + 1) == '\0' ? "dit" :
- "di" : "dah");
- printf("\n");
- }
-}
-
-static void
-play(const char *s)
-{
-#ifdef SPEAKER
- const char *c;
-
- for (c = s; *c != '\0'; c++) {
- switch (*c) {
- case '.':
- sound.frequency = freq;
- sound.duration = dot_clock;
- break;
- case '-':
- sound.frequency = freq;
- sound.duration = dot_clock * DASH_LEN;
- break;
- case ' ':
- sound.frequency = 0;
- sound.duration = cdot_clock * WORD_SPACE;
- break;
- default:
- sound.duration = 0;
- }
- if (sound.duration) {
- if (ioctl(spkr, SPKRTONE, &sound) == -1) {
- perror("ioctl play");
- exit(1);
- }
- }
- sound.frequency = 0;
- sound.duration = dot_clock;
- if (ioctl(spkr, SPKRTONE, &sound) == -1) {
- perror("ioctl rest");
- exit(1);
- }
- }
- sound.frequency = 0;
- sound.duration = cdot_clock * CHAR_SPACE;
- ioctl(spkr, SPKRTONE, &sound);
-#endif
-}
-
-static void
-ttyout(const char *s)
-{
- const char *c;
- int duration, on, lflags;
-
- for (c = s; *c != '\0'; c++) {
- switch (*c) {
- case '.':
- on = 1;
- duration = dot_clock;
- break;
- case '-':
- on = 1;
- duration = dot_clock * DASH_LEN;
- break;
- case ' ':
- on = 0;
- duration = cdot_clock * WORD_SPACE;
- break;
- default:
- on = 0;
- duration = 0;
- }
- if (on) {
- ioctl(line, TIOCMGET, &lflags);
- lflags |= TIOCM_RTS;
- ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &lflags);
- }
- duration *= 10000;
- if (duration)
- usleep(duration);
- ioctl(line, TIOCMGET, &lflags);
- lflags &= ~TIOCM_RTS;
- ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &lflags);
- duration = dot_clock * 10000;
- usleep(duration);
- }
- duration = cdot_clock * CHAR_SPACE * 10000;
- usleep(duration);
-}
-
-static void
-sighandler(int signo)
-{
-
- ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &olflags);
- tcsetattr(line, TCSANOW, &otty);
-
- signal(signo, SIG_DFL);
- (void)kill(getpid(), signo);
-}
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= number
-MAN= number.6
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993, 1994
-.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\" without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\" @(#)number.6 8.2 (Berkeley) 3/31/94
-.\" $FreeBSD$
-.\"
-.Dd March 31, 1994
-.Dt NUMBER 6
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm number
-.Nd convert Arabic numerals to English
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl l
-.Op Ar \&# ...
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-The
-.Nm
-utility prints the English equivalent of the number to the standard
-output, with each 10^3 magnitude displayed on a separate line.
-If no argument is specified,
-.Nm
-reads lines from the standard input.
-.Pp
-The options are as follows:
-.Bl -tag -width Ds
-.It Fl l
-Display the number on a single line.
-.El
-.Sh BUGS
-Although
-.Nm
-understand fractions, it does not understand exponents.
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1988, 1993, 1994
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#ifndef lint
-static const char copyright[] =
-"@(#) Copyright (c) 1988, 1993, 1994\n\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-#if 0
-static char sccsid[] = "@(#)number.c 8.3 (Berkeley) 5/4/95";
-#endif
-static const char rcsid[] =
- "$FreeBSD$";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#include <sys/types.h>
-
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <err.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#define MAXNUM 65 /* Biggest number we handle. */
-
-static const char *name1[] = {
- "", "one", "two", "three",
- "four", "five", "six", "seven",
- "eight", "nine", "ten", "eleven",
- "twelve", "thirteen", "fourteen", "fifteen",
- "sixteen", "seventeen", "eighteen", "nineteen",
-},
- *name2[] = {
- "", "ten", "twenty", "thirty",
- "forty", "fifty", "sixty", "seventy",
- "eighty", "ninety",
-},
- *name3[] = {
- "hundred", "thousand", "million", "billion",
- "trillion", "quadrillion", "quintillion", "sextillion",
- "septillion", "octillion", "nonillion", "decillion",
- "undecillion", "duodecillion", "tredecillion", "quattuordecillion",
- "quindecillion", "sexdecillion",
- "septendecillion", "octodecillion",
- "novemdecillion", "vigintillion",
-};
-
-static void convert(char *);
-static int number(char *, int);
-static void pfract(int);
-static int unit(int, char *);
-static void usage(void);
-
-static int lflag;
-
-int
-main(int argc, char *argv[])
-{
- int ch, first;
- char line[256];
-
- lflag = 0;
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "l")) != -1)
- switch (ch) {
- case 'l':
- lflag = 1;
- break;
- case '?':
- default:
- usage();
- }
- argc -= optind;
- argv += optind;
-
- if (*argv == NULL)
- for (first = 1;
- fgets(line, sizeof(line), stdin) != NULL; first = 0) {
- if (strchr(line, '\n') == NULL)
- errx(1, "line too long.");
- if (!first)
- (void)printf("...\n");
- convert(line);
- }
- else
- for (first = 1; *argv != NULL; first = 0, ++argv) {
- if (!first)
- (void)printf("...\n");
- convert(*argv);
- }
- exit(0);
-}
-
-static void
-convert(char *line)
-{
- int flen, len, rval;
- char *p, *fraction;
-
- flen = 0;
- fraction = NULL;
- for (p = line; *p != '\0' && *p != '\n'; ++p) {
- if (isblank(*p)) {
- if (p == line) {
- ++line;
- continue;
- }
- goto badnum;
- }
- if (isdigit(*p))
- continue;
- switch (*p) {
- case '.':
- if (fraction != NULL)
- goto badnum;
- fraction = p + 1;
- *p = '\0';
- break;
- case '-':
- if (p == line)
- break;
- /* FALLTHROUGH */
- default:
-badnum: errx(1, "illegal number: %s", line);
- break;
- }
- }
- *p = '\0';
-
- if ((len = strlen(line)) > MAXNUM ||
- (fraction != NULL && ((flen = strlen(fraction)) > MAXNUM)))
- errx(1, "number too large, max %d digits.", MAXNUM);
-
- if (*line == '-') {
- (void)printf("minus%s", lflag ? " " : "\n");
- ++line;
- --len;
- }
-
- rval = len > 0 ? unit(len, line) : 0;
- if (fraction != NULL && flen != 0)
- for (p = fraction; *p != '\0'; ++p)
- if (*p != '0') {
- if (rval)
- (void)printf("%sand%s",
- lflag ? " " : "",
- lflag ? " " : "\n");
- if (unit(flen, fraction)) {
- if (lflag)
- (void)printf(" ");
- pfract(flen);
- rval = 1;
- }
- break;
- }
- if (!rval)
- (void)printf("zero%s", lflag ? "" : ".\n");
- if (lflag)
- (void)printf("\n");
-}
-
-static int
-unit(int len, char *p)
-{
- int off, rval;
-
- rval = 0;
- if (len > 3) {
- if (len % 3) {
- off = len % 3;
- len -= off;
- if (number(p, off)) {
- rval = 1;
- (void)printf(" %s%s",
- name3[len / 3], lflag ? " " : ".\n");
- }
- p += off;
- }
- for (; len > 3; p += 3) {
- len -= 3;
- if (number(p, 3)) {
- rval = 1;
- (void)printf(" %s%s",
- name3[len / 3], lflag ? " " : ".\n");
- }
- }
- }
- if (number(p, len)) {
- if (!lflag)
- (void)printf(".\n");
- rval = 1;
- }
- return (rval);
-}
-
-static int
-number(char *p, int len)
-{
- int val, rval;
-
- rval = 0;
- switch (len) {
- case 3:
- if (*p != '0') {
- rval = 1;
- (void)printf("%s hundred", name1[*p - '0']);
- }
- ++p;
- /* FALLTHROUGH */
- case 2:
- val = (p[1] - '0') + (p[0] - '0') * 10;
- if (val) {
- if (rval)
- (void)printf(" ");
- if (val < 20)
- (void)printf("%s", name1[val]);
- else {
- (void)printf("%s", name2[val / 10]);
- if (val % 10)
- (void)printf("-%s", name1[val % 10]);
- }
- rval = 1;
- }
- break;
- case 1:
- if (*p != '0') {
- rval = 1;
- (void)printf("%s", name1[*p - '0']);
- }
- }
- return (rval);
-}
-
-static void
-pfract(int len)
-{
- static char const * const pref[] = { "", "ten-", "hundred-" };
-
- switch(len) {
- case 1:
- (void)printf("tenths.\n");
- break;
- case 2:
- (void)printf("hundredths.\n");
- break;
- default:
- (void)printf("%s%sths.\n", pref[len % 3], name3[len / 3]);
- break;
- }
-}
-
-static void
-usage(void)
-{
- (void)fprintf(stderr, "usage: number [-l] [# ...]\n");
- exit(1);
-}
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= pom
-MAN= pom.6
-DPADD= ${LIBM}
-LDADD= -lm
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
- lib/msun \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
-.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\" without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\" @(#)pom.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-.\" $FreeBSD$
-.\"
-.Dd July 14, 2010
-.Dt POM 6
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm pom
-.Nd display the phase of the moon
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl p
-.Op Fl d Ar yyyy.mm.dd
-.Op Fl t Ar hh:mm:ss
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-The
-.Nm
-utility displays the current phase of the moon.
-Useful for selecting software completion target dates and predicting
-managerial behavior.
-.Pp
-Use the
-.Fl p
-option to print just the phase as a percentage.
-.Pp
-Use the arguments
-.Fl d
-and
-.Fl t
-to specify a specific date and time for which the phase of the moon
-has to be calculated.
-If
-.Fl d
-but not
-.Fl t
-has been specified, it will calculate the phase of the moon on that
-day at midnight.
-.Sh SEE ALSO
-`Practical Astronomy with Your Calculator' by Duffett-Smith.
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software posted to USENET.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#if 0
-#ifndef lint
-static const char copyright[] =
-"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)pom.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#endif /* not lint */
-#endif
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
-
-/*
- * Phase of the Moon. Calculates the current phase of the moon.
- * Based on routines from `Practical Astronomy with Your Calculator',
- * by Duffett-Smith. Comments give the section from the book that
- * particular piece of code was adapted from.
- *
- * -- Keith E. Brandt VIII 1984
- *
- */
-
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <math.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <sysexits.h>
-#include <time.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#ifndef PI
-#define PI 3.14159265358979323846
-#endif
-#define EPOCH 85
-#define EPSILONg 279.611371 /* solar ecliptic long at EPOCH */
-#define RHOg 282.680403 /* solar ecliptic long of perigee at EPOCH */
-#define ECCEN 0.01671542 /* solar orbit eccentricity */
-#define lzero 18.251907 /* lunar mean long at EPOCH */
-#define Pzero 192.917585 /* lunar mean long of perigee at EPOCH */
-#define Nzero 55.204723 /* lunar mean long of node at EPOCH */
-#define isleap(y) ((((y) % 4) == 0 && ((y) % 100) != 0) || ((y) % 400) == 0)
-
-static void adj360(double *);
-static double dtor(double);
-static double potm(double);
-static void usage(char *progname);
-
-int
-main(int argc, char **argv)
-{
- time_t tt;
- struct tm GMT, tmd;
- double days, today, tomorrow;
- int ch, cnt, pflag = 0;
- char *odate = NULL, *otime = NULL;
- char *progname = argv[0];
-
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "d:pt:")) != -1)
- switch (ch) {
- case 'd':
- odate = optarg;
- break;
- case 'p':
- pflag = 1;
- break;
- case 't':
- otime = optarg;
- break;
- default:
- usage(progname);
- }
-
- argc -= optind;
- argv += optind;
-
- if (argc)
- usage(progname);
-
- /* Adjust based on users preferences */
- time(&tt);
- if (otime != NULL || odate != NULL) {
- /* Save today in case -d isn't specified */
- localtime_r(&tt, &tmd);
-
- if (odate != NULL) {
- tmd.tm_year = strtol(odate, NULL, 10) - 1900;
- tmd.tm_mon = strtol(odate + 5, NULL, 10) - 1;
- tmd.tm_mday = strtol(odate + 8, NULL, 10);
- /* Use midnight as the middle of the night */
- tmd.tm_hour = 0;
- tmd.tm_min = 0;
- tmd.tm_sec = 0;
- }
- if (otime != NULL) {
- tmd.tm_hour = strtol(otime, NULL, 10);
- tmd.tm_min = strtol(otime + 3, NULL, 10);
- tmd.tm_sec = strtol(otime + 6, NULL, 10);
- }
- tt = mktime(&tmd);
- }
-
- gmtime_r(&tt, &GMT);
- days = (GMT.tm_yday + 1) + ((GMT.tm_hour +
- (GMT.tm_min / 60.0) + (GMT.tm_sec / 3600.0)) / 24.0);
- for (cnt = EPOCH; cnt < GMT.tm_year; ++cnt)
- days += isleap(1900 + cnt) ? 366 : 365;
- today = potm(days) + .5;
- if (pflag) {
- (void)printf("%1.0f\n", today);
- return (0);
- }
- (void)printf("The Moon is ");
- if ((int)today == 100)
- (void)printf("Full\n");
- else if (!(int)today)
- (void)printf("New\n");
- else {
- tomorrow = potm(days + 1);
- if ((int)today == 50)
- (void)printf("%s\n", tomorrow > today ?
- "at the First Quarter" : "at the Last Quarter");
- else {
- (void)printf("%s ", tomorrow > today ?
- "Waxing" : "Waning");
- if (today > 50)
- (void)printf("Gibbous (%1.0f%% of Full)\n",
- today);
- else if (today < 50)
- (void)printf("Crescent (%1.0f%% of Full)\n",
- today);
- }
- }
-
- return 0;
-}
-
-/*
- * potm --
- * return phase of the moon
- */
-static double
-potm(double days)
-{
- double N, Msol, Ec, LambdaSol, l, Mm, Ev, Ac, A3, Mmprime;
- double A4, lprime, V, ldprime, D, Nm;
-
- N = 360 * days / 365.2422; /* sec 42 #3 */
- adj360(&N);
- Msol = N + EPSILONg - RHOg; /* sec 42 #4 */
- adj360(&Msol);
- Ec = 360 / PI * ECCEN * sin(dtor(Msol)); /* sec 42 #5 */
- LambdaSol = N + Ec + EPSILONg; /* sec 42 #6 */
- adj360(&LambdaSol);
- l = 13.1763966 * days + lzero; /* sec 61 #4 */
- adj360(&l);
- Mm = l - (0.1114041 * days) - Pzero; /* sec 61 #5 */
- adj360(&Mm);
- Nm = Nzero - (0.0529539 * days); /* sec 61 #6 */
- adj360(&Nm);
- Ev = 1.2739 * sin(dtor(2*(l - LambdaSol) - Mm)); /* sec 61 #7 */
- Ac = 0.1858 * sin(dtor(Msol)); /* sec 61 #8 */
- A3 = 0.37 * sin(dtor(Msol));
- Mmprime = Mm + Ev - Ac - A3; /* sec 61 #9 */
- Ec = 6.2886 * sin(dtor(Mmprime)); /* sec 61 #10 */
- A4 = 0.214 * sin(dtor(2 * Mmprime)); /* sec 61 #11 */
- lprime = l + Ev + Ec - Ac + A4; /* sec 61 #12 */
- V = 0.6583 * sin(dtor(2 * (lprime - LambdaSol))); /* sec 61 #13 */
- ldprime = lprime + V; /* sec 61 #14 */
- D = ldprime - LambdaSol; /* sec 63 #2 */
- return(50 * (1 - cos(dtor(D)))); /* sec 63 #3 */
-}
-
-/*
- * dtor --
- * convert degrees to radians
- */
-static double
-dtor(double deg)
-{
-
- return(deg * PI / 180);
-}
-
-/*
- * adj360 --
- * adjust value so 0 <= deg <= 360
- */
-static void
-adj360(double *deg)
-{
-
- for (;;)
- if (*deg < 0)
- *deg += 360;
- else if (*deg > 360)
- *deg -= 360;
- else
- break;
-}
-
-static void
-usage(char *progname)
-{
-
- fprintf(stderr, "Usage: %s [-p] [-d yyyy.mm.dd] [-t hh:mm:ss]\n",
- progname);
- exit(EX_USAGE);
-}
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= primes
-SRCS= pattern.c pr_tbl.c primes.c spsp.c
-MAN=
-DPADD= ${LIBM}
-LDADD= -lm
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
- lib/msun \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Landon Curt Noll.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#ifndef lint
-#if 0
-static char sccsid[] = "@(#)pattern.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#endif
-static const char rcsid[] =
- "$FreeBSD$";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-/*
- * pattern - the Eratosthenes sieve on odd numbers for 3,5,7,11 and 13
- *
- * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com
- *
- * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
- *
- * To avoid excessive sieves for small factors, we use the table below to
- * setup our sieve blocks. Each element represents an odd number starting
- * with 1. All non-zero elements are factors of 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13.
- */
-
-#include <stddef.h>
-
-#include "primes.h"
-
-const char pattern[] = {
-1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
-0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,
-0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,
-0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,
-0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
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-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
-0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
-0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,
-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
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-1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
-1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
-0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1
-};
-const size_t pattern_size = (sizeof(pattern)/sizeof(pattern[0]));
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Landon Curt Noll.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#ifndef lint
-#if 0
-static char sccsid[] = "@(#)pr_tbl.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
-#endif
-static const char rcsid[] =
- "$FreeBSD$";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-/*
- * prime - prime table
- *
- * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
- *
- * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
- *
- * We are able to sieve 2^32-1 because this table has primes up to 65537
- * and 65537^2 > 2^32-1.
- */
-
-#include <stddef.h>
-
-#include "primes.h"
-
-const ubig prime[] = {
-2,3,5,7,11,13,17,19,23,29,31,37,41,43,47,53,59,61,67,71,73,79,83,89,97,101,103,
-107,109,113,127,131,137,139,149,151,157,163,167,173,179,181,191,193,197,199,
-211,223,227,229,233,239,241,251,257,263,269,271,277,281,283,293,307,311,313,
-317,331,337,347,349,353,359,367,373,379,383,389,397,401,409,419,421,431,433,
-439,443,449,457,461,463,467,479,487,491,499,503,509,521,523,541,547,557,563,
-569,571,577,587,593,599,601,607,613,617,619,631,641,643,647,653,659,661,673,
-677,683,691,701,709,719,727,733,739,743,751,757,761,769,773,787,797,809,811,
-821,823,827,829,839,853,857,859,863,877,881,883,887,907,911,919,929,937,941,
-947,953,967,971,977,983,991,997,1009,1013,1019,1021,1031,1033,1039,1049,1051,
-1061,1063,1069,1087,1091,1093,1097,1103,1109,1117,1123,1129,1151,1153,1163,
-1171,1181,1187,1193,1201,1213,1217,1223,1229,1231,1237,1249,1259,1277,1279,
-1283,1289,1291,1297,1301,1303,1307,1319,1321,1327,1361,1367,1373,1381,1399,
-1409,1423,1427,1429,1433,1439,1447,1451,1453,1459,1471,1481,1483,1487,1489,
-1493,1499,1511,1523,1531,1543,1549,1553,1559,1567,1571,1579,1583,1597,1601,
-1607,1609,1613,1619,1621,1627,1637,1657,1663,1667,1669,1693,1697,1699,1709,
-1721,1723,1733,1741,1747,1753,1759,1777,1783,1787,1789,1801,1811,1823,1831,
-1847,1861,1867,1871,1873,1877,1879,1889,1901,1907,1913,1931,1933,1949,1951,
-1973,1979,1987,1993,1997,1999,2003,2011,2017,2027,2029,2039,2053,2063,2069,
-2081,2083,2087,2089,2099,2111,2113,2129,2131,2137,2141,2143,2153,2161,2179,
-2203,2207,2213,2221,2237,2239,2243,2251,2267,2269,2273,2281,2287,2293,2297,
-2309,2311,2333,2339,2341,2347,2351,2357,2371,2377,2381,2383,2389,2393,2399,
-2411,2417,2423,2437,2441,2447,2459,2467,2473,2477,2503,2521,2531,2539,2543,
-2549,2551,2557,2579,2591,2593,2609,2617,2621,2633,2647,2657,2659,2663,2671,
-2677,2683,2687,2689,2693,2699,2707,2711,2713,2719,2729,2731,2741,2749,2753,
-2767,2777,2789,2791,2797,2801,2803,2819,2833,2837,2843,2851,2857,2861,2879,
-2887,2897,2903,2909,2917,2927,2939,2953,2957,2963,2969,2971,2999,3001,3011,
-3019,3023,3037,3041,3049,3061,3067,3079,3083,3089,3109,3119,3121,3137,3163,
-3167,3169,3181,3187,3191,3203,3209,3217,3221,3229,3251,3253,3257,3259,3271,
-3299,3301,3307,3313,3319,3323,3329,3331,3343,3347,3359,3361,3371,3373,3389,
-3391,3407,3413,3433,3449,3457,3461,3463,3467,3469,3491,3499,3511,3517,3527,
-3529,3533,3539,3541,3547,3557,3559,3571,3581,3583,3593,3607,3613,3617,3623,
-3631,3637,3643,3659,3671,3673,3677,3691,3697,3701,3709,3719,3727,3733,3739,
-3761,3767,3769,3779,3793,3797,3803,3821,3823,3833,3847,3851,3853,3863,3877,
-3881,3889,3907,3911,3917,3919,3923,3929,3931,3943,3947,3967,3989,4001,4003,
-4007,4013,4019,4021,4027,4049,4051,4057,4073,4079,4091,4093,4099,4111,4127,
-4129,4133,4139,4153,4157,4159,4177,4201,4211,4217,4219,4229,4231,4241,4243,
-4253,4259,4261,4271,4273,4283,4289,4297,4327,4337,4339,4349,4357,4363,4373,
-4391,4397,4409,4421,4423,4441,4447,4451,4457,4463,4481,4483,4493,4507,4513,
-4517,4519,4523,4547,4549,4561,4567,4583,4591,4597,4603,4621,4637,4639,4643,
-4649,4651,4657,4663,4673,4679,4691,4703,4721,4723,4729,4733,4751,4759,4783,
-4787,4789,4793,4799,4801,4813,4817,4831,4861,4871,4877,4889,4903,4909,4919,
-4931,4933,4937,4943,4951,4957,4967,4969,4973,4987,4993,4999,5003,5009,5011,
-5021,5023,5039,5051,5059,5077,5081,5087,5099,5101,5107,5113,5119,5147,5153,
-5167,5171,5179,5189,5197,5209,5227,5231,5233,5237,5261,5273,5279,5281,5297,
-5303,5309,5323,5333,5347,5351,5381,5387,5393,5399,5407,5413,5417,5419,5431,
-5437,5441,5443,5449,5471,5477,5479,5483,5501,5503,5507,5519,5521,5527,5531,
-5557,5563,5569,5573,5581,5591,5623,5639,5641,5647,5651,5653,5657,5659,5669,
-5683,5689,5693,5701,5711,5717,5737,5741,5743,5749,5779,5783,5791,5801,5807,
-5813,5821,5827,5839,5843,5849,5851,5857,5861,5867,5869,5879,5881,5897,5903,
-5923,5927,5939,5953,5981,5987,6007,6011,6029,6037,6043,6047,6053,6067,6073,
-6079,6089,6091,6101,6113,6121,6131,6133,6143,6151,6163,6173,6197,6199,6203,
-6211,6217,6221,6229,6247,6257,6263,6269,6271,6277,6287,6299,6301,6311,6317,
-6323,6329,6337,6343,6353,6359,6361,6367,6373,6379,6389,6397,6421,6427,6449,
-6451,6469,6473,6481,6491,6521,6529,6547,6551,6553,6563,6569,6571,6577,6581,
-6599,6607,6619,6637,6653,6659,6661,6673,6679,6689,6691,6701,6703,6709,6719,
-6733,6737,6761,6763,6779,6781,6791,6793,6803,6823,6827,6829,6833,6841,6857,
-6863,6869,6871,6883,6899,6907,6911,6917,6947,6949,6959,6961,6967,6971,6977,
-6983,6991,6997,7001,7013,7019,7027,7039,7043,7057,7069,7079,7103,7109,7121,
-7127,7129,7151,7159,7177,7187,7193,7207,7211,7213,7219,7229,7237,7243,7247,
-7253,7283,7297,7307,7309,7321,7331,7333,7349,7351,7369,7393,7411,7417,7433,
-7451,7457,7459,7477,7481,7487,7489,7499,7507,7517,7523,7529,7537,7541,7547,
-7549,7559,7561,7573,7577,7583,7589,7591,7603,7607,7621,7639,7643,7649,7669,
-7673,7681,7687,7691,7699,7703,7717,7723,7727,7741,7753,7757,7759,7789,7793,
-7817,7823,7829,7841,7853,7867,7873,7877,7879,7883,7901,7907,7919,7927,7933,
-7937,7949,7951,7963,7993,8009,8011,8017,8039,8053,8059,8069,8081,8087,8089,
-8093,8101,8111,8117,8123,8147,8161,8167,8171,8179,8191,8209,8219,8221,8231,
-8233,8237,8243,8263,8269,8273,8287,8291,8293,8297,8311,8317,8329,8353,8363,
-8369,8377,8387,8389,8419,8423,8429,8431,8443,8447,8461,8467,8501,8513,8521,
-8527,8537,8539,8543,8563,8573,8581,8597,8599,8609,8623,8627,8629,8641,8647,
-8663,8669,8677,8681,8689,8693,8699,8707,8713,8719,8731,8737,8741,8747,8753,
-8761,8779,8783,8803,8807,8819,8821,8831,8837,8839,8849,8861,8863,8867,8887,
-8893,8923,8929,8933,8941,8951,8963,8969,8971,8999,9001,9007,9011,9013,9029,
-9041,9043,9049,9059,9067,9091,9103,9109,9127,9133,9137,9151,9157,9161,9173,
-9181,9187,9199,9203,9209,9221,9227,9239,9241,9257,9277,9281,9283,9293,9311,
-9319,9323,9337,9341,9343,9349,9371,9377,9391,9397,9403,9413,9419,9421,9431,
-9433,9437,9439,9461,9463,9467,9473,9479,9491,9497,9511,9521,9533,9539,9547,
-9551,9587,9601,9613,9619,9623,9629,9631,9643,9649,9661,9677,9679,9689,9697,
-9719,9721,9733,9739,9743,9749,9767,9769,9781,9787,9791,9803,9811,9817,9829,
-9833,9839,9851,9857,9859,9871,9883,9887,9901,9907,9923,9929,9931,9941,9949,
-9967,9973,10007,10009,10037,10039,10061,10067,10069,10079,10091,10093,10099,
-10103,10111,10133,10139,10141,10151,10159,10163,10169,10177,10181,10193,10211,
-10223,10243,10247,10253,10259,10267,10271,10273,10289,10301,10303,10313,10321,
-10331,10333,10337,10343,10357,10369,10391,10399,10427,10429,10433,10453,10457,
-10459,10463,10477,10487,10499,10501,10513,10529,10531,10559,10567,10589,10597,
-10601,10607,10613,10627,10631,10639,10651,10657,10663,10667,10687,10691,10709,
-10711,10723,10729,10733,10739,10753,10771,10781,10789,10799,10831,10837,10847,
-10853,10859,10861,10867,10883,10889,10891,10903,10909,10937,10939,10949,10957,
-10973,10979,10987,10993,11003,11027,11047,11057,11059,11069,11071,11083,11087,
-11093,11113,11117,11119,11131,11149,11159,11161,11171,11173,11177,11197,11213,
-11239,11243,11251,11257,11261,11273,11279,11287,11299,11311,11317,11321,11329,
-11351,11353,11369,11383,11393,11399,11411,11423,11437,11443,11447,11467,11471,
-11483,11489,11491,11497,11503,11519,11527,11549,11551,11579,11587,11593,11597,
-11617,11621,11633,11657,11677,11681,11689,11699,11701,11717,11719,11731,11743,
-11777,11779,11783,11789,11801,11807,11813,11821,11827,11831,11833,11839,11863,
-11867,11887,11897,11903,11909,11923,11927,11933,11939,11941,11953,11959,11969,
-11971,11981,11987,12007,12011,12037,12041,12043,12049,12071,12073,12097,12101,
-12107,12109,12113,12119,12143,12149,12157,12161,12163,12197,12203,12211,12227,
-12239,12241,12251,12253,12263,12269,12277,12281,12289,12301,12323,12329,12343,
-12347,12373,12377,12379,12391,12401,12409,12413,12421,12433,12437,12451,12457,
-12473,12479,12487,12491,12497,12503,12511,12517,12527,12539,12541,12547,12553,
-12569,12577,12583,12589,12601,12611,12613,12619,12637,12641,12647,12653,12659,
-12671,12689,12697,12703,12713,12721,12739,12743,12757,12763,12781,12791,12799,
-12809,12821,12823,12829,12841,12853,12889,12893,12899,12907,12911,12917,12919,
-12923,12941,12953,12959,12967,12973,12979,12983,13001,13003,13007,13009,13033,
-13037,13043,13049,13063,13093,13099,13103,13109,13121,13127,13147,13151,13159,
-13163,13171,13177,13183,13187,13217,13219,13229,13241,13249,13259,13267,13291,
-13297,13309,13313,13327,13331,13337,13339,13367,13381,13397,13399,13411,13417,
-13421,13441,13451,13457,13463,13469,13477,13487,13499,13513,13523,13537,13553,
-13567,13577,13591,13597,13613,13619,13627,13633,13649,13669,13679,13681,13687,
-13691,13693,13697,13709,13711,13721,13723,13729,13751,13757,13759,13763,13781,
-13789,13799,13807,13829,13831,13841,13859,13873,13877,13879,13883,13901,13903,
-13907,13913,13921,13931,13933,13963,13967,13997,13999,14009,14011,14029,14033,
-14051,14057,14071,14081,14083,14087,14107,14143,14149,14153,14159,14173,14177,
-14197,14207,14221,14243,14249,14251,14281,14293,14303,14321,14323,14327,14341,
-14347,14369,14387,14389,14401,14407,14411,14419,14423,14431,14437,14447,14449,
-14461,14479,14489,14503,14519,14533,14537,14543,14549,14551,14557,14561,14563,
-14591,14593,14621,14627,14629,14633,14639,14653,14657,14669,14683,14699,14713,
-14717,14723,14731,14737,14741,14747,14753,14759,14767,14771,14779,14783,14797,
-14813,14821,14827,14831,14843,14851,14867,14869,14879,14887,14891,14897,14923,
-14929,14939,14947,14951,14957,14969,14983,15013,15017,15031,15053,15061,15073,
-15077,15083,15091,15101,15107,15121,15131,15137,15139,15149,15161,15173,15187,
-15193,15199,15217,15227,15233,15241,15259,15263,15269,15271,15277,15287,15289,
-15299,15307,15313,15319,15329,15331,15349,15359,15361,15373,15377,15383,15391,
-15401,15413,15427,15439,15443,15451,15461,15467,15473,15493,15497,15511,15527,
-15541,15551,15559,15569,15581,15583,15601,15607,15619,15629,15641,15643,15647,
-15649,15661,15667,15671,15679,15683,15727,15731,15733,15737,15739,15749,15761,
-15767,15773,15787,15791,15797,15803,15809,15817,15823,15859,15877,15881,15887,
-15889,15901,15907,15913,15919,15923,15937,15959,15971,15973,15991,16001,16007,
-16033,16057,16061,16063,16067,16069,16073,16087,16091,16097,16103,16111,16127,
-16139,16141,16183,16187,16189,16193,16217,16223,16229,16231,16249,16253,16267,
-16273,16301,16319,16333,16339,16349,16361,16363,16369,16381,16411,16417,16421,
-16427,16433,16447,16451,16453,16477,16481,16487,16493,16519,16529,16547,16553,
-16561,16567,16573,16603,16607,16619,16631,16633,16649,16651,16657,16661,16673,
-16691,16693,16699,16703,16729,16741,16747,16759,16763,16787,16811,16823,16829,
-16831,16843,16871,16879,16883,16889,16901,16903,16921,16927,16931,16937,16943,
-16963,16979,16981,16987,16993,17011,17021,17027,17029,17033,17041,17047,17053,
-17077,17093,17099,17107,17117,17123,17137,17159,17167,17183,17189,17191,17203,
-17207,17209,17231,17239,17257,17291,17293,17299,17317,17321,17327,17333,17341,
-17351,17359,17377,17383,17387,17389,17393,17401,17417,17419,17431,17443,17449,
-17467,17471,17477,17483,17489,17491,17497,17509,17519,17539,17551,17569,17573,
-17579,17581,17597,17599,17609,17623,17627,17657,17659,17669,17681,17683,17707,
-17713,17729,17737,17747,17749,17761,17783,17789,17791,17807,17827,17837,17839,
-17851,17863,17881,17891,17903,17909,17911,17921,17923,17929,17939,17957,17959,
-17971,17977,17981,17987,17989,18013,18041,18043,18047,18049,18059,18061,18077,
-18089,18097,18119,18121,18127,18131,18133,18143,18149,18169,18181,18191,18199,
-18211,18217,18223,18229,18233,18251,18253,18257,18269,18287,18289,18301,18307,
-18311,18313,18329,18341,18353,18367,18371,18379,18397,18401,18413,18427,18433,
-18439,18443,18451,18457,18461,18481,18493,18503,18517,18521,18523,18539,18541,
-18553,18583,18587,18593,18617,18637,18661,18671,18679,18691,18701,18713,18719,
-18731,18743,18749,18757,18773,18787,18793,18797,18803,18839,18859,18869,18899,
-18911,18913,18917,18919,18947,18959,18973,18979,19001,19009,19013,19031,19037,
-19051,19069,19073,19079,19081,19087,19121,19139,19141,19157,19163,19181,19183,
-19207,19211,19213,19219,19231,19237,19249,19259,19267,19273,19289,19301,19309,
-19319,19333,19373,19379,19381,19387,19391,19403,19417,19421,19423,19427,19429,
-19433,19441,19447,19457,19463,19469,19471,19477,19483,19489,19501,19507,19531,
-19541,19543,19553,19559,19571,19577,19583,19597,19603,19609,19661,19681,19687,
-19697,19699,19709,19717,19727,19739,19751,19753,19759,19763,19777,19793,19801,
-19813,19819,19841,19843,19853,19861,19867,19889,19891,19913,19919,19927,19937,
-19949,19961,19963,19973,19979,19991,19993,19997,20011,20021,20023,20029,20047,
-20051,20063,20071,20089,20101,20107,20113,20117,20123,20129,20143,20147,20149,
-20161,20173,20177,20183,20201,20219,20231,20233,20249,20261,20269,20287,20297,
-20323,20327,20333,20341,20347,20353,20357,20359,20369,20389,20393,20399,20407,
-20411,20431,20441,20443,20477,20479,20483,20507,20509,20521,20533,20543,20549,
-20551,20563,20593,20599,20611,20627,20639,20641,20663,20681,20693,20707,20717,
-20719,20731,20743,20747,20749,20753,20759,20771,20773,20789,20807,20809,20849,
-20857,20873,20879,20887,20897,20899,20903,20921,20929,20939,20947,20959,20963,
-20981,20983,21001,21011,21013,21017,21019,21023,21031,21059,21061,21067,21089,
-21101,21107,21121,21139,21143,21149,21157,21163,21169,21179,21187,21191,21193,
-21211,21221,21227,21247,21269,21277,21283,21313,21317,21319,21323,21341,21347,
-21377,21379,21383,21391,21397,21401,21407,21419,21433,21467,21481,21487,21491,
-21493,21499,21503,21517,21521,21523,21529,21557,21559,21563,21569,21577,21587,
-21589,21599,21601,21611,21613,21617,21647,21649,21661,21673,21683,21701,21713,
-21727,21737,21739,21751,21757,21767,21773,21787,21799,21803,21817,21821,21839,
-21841,21851,21859,21863,21871,21881,21893,21911,21929,21937,21943,21961,21977,
-21991,21997,22003,22013,22027,22031,22037,22039,22051,22063,22067,22073,22079,
-22091,22093,22109,22111,22123,22129,22133,22147,22153,22157,22159,22171,22189,
-22193,22229,22247,22259,22271,22273,22277,22279,22283,22291,22303,22307,22343,
-22349,22367,22369,22381,22391,22397,22409,22433,22441,22447,22453,22469,22481,
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-48857,48859,48869,48871,48883,48889,48907,48947,48953,48973,48989,48991,49003,
-49009,49019,49031,49033,49037,49043,49057,49069,49081,49103,49109,49117,49121,
-49123,49139,49157,49169,49171,49177,49193,49199,49201,49207,49211,49223,49253,
-49261,49277,49279,49297,49307,49331,49333,49339,49363,49367,49369,49391,49393,
-49409,49411,49417,49429,49433,49451,49459,49463,49477,49481,49499,49523,49529,
-49531,49537,49547,49549,49559,49597,49603,49613,49627,49633,49639,49663,49667,
-49669,49681,49697,49711,49727,49739,49741,49747,49757,49783,49787,49789,49801,
-49807,49811,49823,49831,49843,49853,49871,49877,49891,49919,49921,49927,49937,
-49939,49943,49957,49991,49993,49999,50021,50023,50033,50047,50051,50053,50069,
-50077,50087,50093,50101,50111,50119,50123,50129,50131,50147,50153,50159,50177,
-50207,50221,50227,50231,50261,50263,50273,50287,50291,50311,50321,50329,50333,
-50341,50359,50363,50377,50383,50387,50411,50417,50423,50441,50459,50461,50497,
-50503,50513,50527,50539,50543,50549,50551,50581,50587,50591,50593,50599,50627,
-50647,50651,50671,50683,50707,50723,50741,50753,50767,50773,50777,50789,50821,
-50833,50839,50849,50857,50867,50873,50891,50893,50909,50923,50929,50951,50957,
-50969,50971,50989,50993,51001,51031,51043,51047,51059,51061,51071,51109,51131,
-51133,51137,51151,51157,51169,51193,51197,51199,51203,51217,51229,51239,51241,
-51257,51263,51283,51287,51307,51329,51341,51343,51347,51349,51361,51383,51407,
-51413,51419,51421,51427,51431,51437,51439,51449,51461,51473,51479,51481,51487,
-51503,51511,51517,51521,51539,51551,51563,51577,51581,51593,51599,51607,51613,
-51631,51637,51647,51659,51673,51679,51683,51691,51713,51719,51721,51749,51767,
-51769,51787,51797,51803,51817,51827,51829,51839,51853,51859,51869,51871,51893,
-51899,51907,51913,51929,51941,51949,51971,51973,51977,51991,52009,52021,52027,
-52051,52057,52067,52069,52081,52103,52121,52127,52147,52153,52163,52177,52181,
-52183,52189,52201,52223,52237,52249,52253,52259,52267,52289,52291,52301,52313,
-52321,52361,52363,52369,52379,52387,52391,52433,52453,52457,52489,52501,52511,
-52517,52529,52541,52543,52553,52561,52567,52571,52579,52583,52609,52627,52631,
-52639,52667,52673,52691,52697,52709,52711,52721,52727,52733,52747,52757,52769,
-52783,52807,52813,52817,52837,52859,52861,52879,52883,52889,52901,52903,52919,
-52937,52951,52957,52963,52967,52973,52981,52999,53003,53017,53047,53051,53069,
-53077,53087,53089,53093,53101,53113,53117,53129,53147,53149,53161,53171,53173,
-53189,53197,53201,53231,53233,53239,53267,53269,53279,53281,53299,53309,53323,
-53327,53353,53359,53377,53381,53401,53407,53411,53419,53437,53441,53453,53479,
-53503,53507,53527,53549,53551,53569,53591,53593,53597,53609,53611,53617,53623,
-53629,53633,53639,53653,53657,53681,53693,53699,53717,53719,53731,53759,53773,
-53777,53783,53791,53813,53819,53831,53849,53857,53861,53881,53887,53891,53897,
-53899,53917,53923,53927,53939,53951,53959,53987,53993,54001,54011,54013,54037,
-54049,54059,54083,54091,54101,54121,54133,54139,54151,54163,54167,54181,54193,
-54217,54251,54269,54277,54287,54293,54311,54319,54323,54331,54347,54361,54367,
-54371,54377,54401,54403,54409,54413,54419,54421,54437,54443,54449,54469,54493,
-54497,54499,54503,54517,54521,54539,54541,54547,54559,54563,54577,54581,54583,
-54601,54617,54623,54629,54631,54647,54667,54673,54679,54709,54713,54721,54727,
-54751,54767,54773,54779,54787,54799,54829,54833,54851,54869,54877,54881,54907,
-54917,54919,54941,54949,54959,54973,54979,54983,55001,55009,55021,55049,55051,
-55057,55061,55073,55079,55103,55109,55117,55127,55147,55163,55171,55201,55207,
-55213,55217,55219,55229,55243,55249,55259,55291,55313,55331,55333,55337,55339,
-55343,55351,55373,55381,55399,55411,55439,55441,55457,55469,55487,55501,55511,
-55529,55541,55547,55579,55589,55603,55609,55619,55621,55631,55633,55639,55661,
-55663,55667,55673,55681,55691,55697,55711,55717,55721,55733,55763,55787,55793,
-55799,55807,55813,55817,55819,55823,55829,55837,55843,55849,55871,55889,55897,
-55901,55903,55921,55927,55931,55933,55949,55967,55987,55997,56003,56009,56039,
-56041,56053,56081,56087,56093,56099,56101,56113,56123,56131,56149,56167,56171,
-56179,56197,56207,56209,56237,56239,56249,56263,56267,56269,56299,56311,56333,
-56359,56369,56377,56383,56393,56401,56417,56431,56437,56443,56453,56467,56473,
-56477,56479,56489,56501,56503,56509,56519,56527,56531,56533,56543,56569,56591,
-56597,56599,56611,56629,56633,56659,56663,56671,56681,56687,56701,56711,56713,
-56731,56737,56747,56767,56773,56779,56783,56807,56809,56813,56821,56827,56843,
-56857,56873,56891,56893,56897,56909,56911,56921,56923,56929,56941,56951,56957,
-56963,56983,56989,56993,56999,57037,57041,57047,57059,57073,57077,57089,57097,
-57107,57119,57131,57139,57143,57149,57163,57173,57179,57191,57193,57203,57221,
-57223,57241,57251,57259,57269,57271,57283,57287,57301,57329,57331,57347,57349,
-57367,57373,57383,57389,57397,57413,57427,57457,57467,57487,57493,57503,57527,
-57529,57557,57559,57571,57587,57593,57601,57637,57641,57649,57653,57667,57679,
-57689,57697,57709,57713,57719,57727,57731,57737,57751,57773,57781,57787,57791,
-57793,57803,57809,57829,57839,57847,57853,57859,57881,57899,57901,57917,57923,
-57943,57947,57973,57977,57991,58013,58027,58031,58043,58049,58057,58061,58067,
-58073,58099,58109,58111,58129,58147,58151,58153,58169,58171,58189,58193,58199,
-58207,58211,58217,58229,58231,58237,58243,58271,58309,58313,58321,58337,58363,
-58367,58369,58379,58391,58393,58403,58411,58417,58427,58439,58441,58451,58453,
-58477,58481,58511,58537,58543,58549,58567,58573,58579,58601,58603,58613,58631,
-58657,58661,58679,58687,58693,58699,58711,58727,58733,58741,58757,58763,58771,
-58787,58789,58831,58889,58897,58901,58907,58909,58913,58921,58937,58943,58963,
-58967,58979,58991,58997,59009,59011,59021,59023,59029,59051,59053,59063,59069,
-59077,59083,59093,59107,59113,59119,59123,59141,59149,59159,59167,59183,59197,
-59207,59209,59219,59221,59233,59239,59243,59263,59273,59281,59333,59341,59351,
-59357,59359,59369,59377,59387,59393,59399,59407,59417,59419,59441,59443,59447,
-59453,59467,59471,59473,59497,59509,59513,59539,59557,59561,59567,59581,59611,
-59617,59621,59627,59629,59651,59659,59663,59669,59671,59693,59699,59707,59723,
-59729,59743,59747,59753,59771,59779,59791,59797,59809,59833,59863,59879,59887,
-59921,59929,59951,59957,59971,59981,59999,60013,60017,60029,60037,60041,60077,
-60083,60089,60091,60101,60103,60107,60127,60133,60139,60149,60161,60167,60169,
-60209,60217,60223,60251,60257,60259,60271,60289,60293,60317,60331,60337,60343,
-60353,60373,60383,60397,60413,60427,60443,60449,60457,60493,60497,60509,60521,
-60527,60539,60589,60601,60607,60611,60617,60623,60631,60637,60647,60649,60659,
-60661,60679,60689,60703,60719,60727,60733,60737,60757,60761,60763,60773,60779,
-60793,60811,60821,60859,60869,60887,60889,60899,60901,60913,60917,60919,60923,
-60937,60943,60953,60961,61001,61007,61027,61031,61043,61051,61057,61091,61099,
-61121,61129,61141,61151,61153,61169,61211,61223,61231,61253,61261,61283,61291,
-61297,61331,61333,61339,61343,61357,61363,61379,61381,61403,61409,61417,61441,
-61463,61469,61471,61483,61487,61493,61507,61511,61519,61543,61547,61553,61559,
-61561,61583,61603,61609,61613,61627,61631,61637,61643,61651,61657,61667,61673,
-61681,61687,61703,61717,61723,61729,61751,61757,61781,61813,61819,61837,61843,
-61861,61871,61879,61909,61927,61933,61949,61961,61967,61979,61981,61987,61991,
-62003,62011,62017,62039,62047,62053,62057,62071,62081,62099,62119,62129,62131,
-62137,62141,62143,62171,62189,62191,62201,62207,62213,62219,62233,62273,62297,
-62299,62303,62311,62323,62327,62347,62351,62383,62401,62417,62423,62459,62467,
-62473,62477,62483,62497,62501,62507,62533,62539,62549,62563,62581,62591,62597,
-62603,62617,62627,62633,62639,62653,62659,62683,62687,62701,62723,62731,62743,
-62753,62761,62773,62791,62801,62819,62827,62851,62861,62869,62873,62897,62903,
-62921,62927,62929,62939,62969,62971,62981,62983,62987,62989,63029,63031,63059,
-63067,63073,63079,63097,63103,63113,63127,63131,63149,63179,63197,63199,63211,
-63241,63247,63277,63281,63299,63311,63313,63317,63331,63337,63347,63353,63361,
-63367,63377,63389,63391,63397,63409,63419,63421,63439,63443,63463,63467,63473,
-63487,63493,63499,63521,63527,63533,63541,63559,63577,63587,63589,63599,63601,
-63607,63611,63617,63629,63647,63649,63659,63667,63671,63689,63691,63697,63703,
-63709,63719,63727,63737,63743,63761,63773,63781,63793,63799,63803,63809,63823,
-63839,63841,63853,63857,63863,63901,63907,63913,63929,63949,63977,63997,64007,
-64013,64019,64033,64037,64063,64067,64081,64091,64109,64123,64151,64153,64157,
-64171,64187,64189,64217,64223,64231,64237,64271,64279,64283,64301,64303,64319,
-64327,64333,64373,64381,64399,64403,64433,64439,64451,64453,64483,64489,64499,
-64513,64553,64567,64577,64579,64591,64601,64609,64613,64621,64627,64633,64661,
-64663,64667,64679,64693,64709,64717,64747,64763,64781,64783,64793,64811,64817,
-64849,64853,64871,64877,64879,64891,64901,64919,64921,64927,64937,64951,64969,
-64997,65003,65011,65027,65029,65033,65053,65063,65071,65089,65099,65101,65111,
-65119,65123,65129,65141,65147,65167,65171,65173,65179,65183,65203,65213,65239,
-65257,65267,65269,65287,65293,65309,65323,65327,65353,65357,65371,65381,65393,
-65407,65413,65419,65423,65437,65447,65449,65479,65497,65519,65521,65537
-};
-
-/* pr_limit - largest prime in the prime table */
-const ubig *const pr_limit = &prime[(sizeof(prime)/sizeof(prime[0]))-1];
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Landon Curt Noll.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#ifndef lint
-static const char copyright[] =
-"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-#if 0
-static char sccsid[] = "@(#)primes.c 8.5 (Berkeley) 5/10/95";
-#endif
-static const char rcsid[] =
- "$FreeBSD$";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-/*
- * primes - generate a table of primes between two values
- *
- * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
- *
- * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
- *
- * usage:
- * primes [-h] [start [stop]]
- *
- * Print primes >= start and < stop. If stop is omitted,
- * the value 4294967295 (2^32-1) is assumed. If start is
- * omitted, start is read from standard input.
- *
- * validation check: there are 664579 primes between 0 and 10^7
- */
-
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <err.h>
-#include <errno.h>
-#include <inttypes.h>
-#include <limits.h>
-#include <math.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#include "primes.h"
-
-/*
- * Eratosthenes sieve table
- *
- * We only sieve the odd numbers. The base of our sieve windows are always
- * odd. If the base of table is 1, table[i] represents 2*i-1. After the
- * sieve, table[i] == 1 if and only if 2*i-1 is prime.
- *
- * We make TABSIZE large to reduce the overhead of inner loop setup.
- */
-static char table[TABSIZE]; /* Eratosthenes sieve of odd numbers */
-
-static int hflag;
-
-static void primes(ubig, ubig);
-static ubig read_num_buf(void);
-static void usage(void);
-
-int
-main(int argc, char *argv[])
-{
- ubig start; /* where to start generating */
- ubig stop; /* don't generate at or above this value */
- int ch;
- char *p;
-
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "h")) != -1)
- switch (ch) {
- case 'h':
- hflag++;
- break;
- case '?':
- default:
- usage();
- }
- argc -= optind;
- argv += optind;
-
- start = 0;
- stop = SPSPMAX;
-
- /*
- * Convert low and high args. Strtoumax(3) sets errno to
- * ERANGE if the number is too large, but, if there's
- * a leading minus sign it returns the negation of the
- * result of the conversion, which we'd rather disallow.
- */
- switch (argc) {
- case 2:
- /* Start and stop supplied on the command line. */
- if (argv[0][0] == '-' || argv[1][0] == '-')
- errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
-
- errno = 0;
- start = strtoumax(argv[0], &p, 0);
- if (errno)
- err(1, "%s", argv[0]);
- if (*p != '\0')
- errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[0]);
-
- errno = 0;
- stop = strtoumax(argv[1], &p, 0);
- if (errno)
- err(1, "%s", argv[1]);
- if (*p != '\0')
- errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[1]);
- if (stop > SPSPMAX)
- errx(1, "%s: stop value too large.", argv[1]);
- break;
- case 1:
- /* Start on the command line. */
- if (argv[0][0] == '-')
- errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
-
- errno = 0;
- start = strtoumax(argv[0], &p, 0);
- if (errno)
- err(1, "%s", argv[0]);
- if (*p != '\0')
- errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[0]);
- break;
- case 0:
- start = read_num_buf();
- break;
- default:
- usage();
- }
-
- if (start > stop)
- errx(1, "start value must be less than stop value.");
- primes(start, stop);
- return (0);
-}
-
-/*
- * read_num_buf --
- * This routine returns a number n, where 0 <= n && n <= BIG.
- */
-static ubig
-read_num_buf(void)
-{
- ubig val;
- char *p, buf[LINE_MAX]; /* > max number of digits. */
-
- for (;;) {
- if (fgets(buf, sizeof(buf), stdin) == NULL) {
- if (ferror(stdin))
- err(1, "stdin");
- exit(0);
- }
- for (p = buf; isblank(*p); ++p);
- if (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0')
- continue;
- if (*p == '-')
- errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
- errno = 0;
- val = strtoumax(buf, &p, 0);
- if (errno)
- err(1, "%s", buf);
- if (*p != '\n')
- errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", buf);
- return (val);
- }
-}
-
-/*
- * primes - sieve and print primes from start up to and but not including stop
- */
-static void
-primes(ubig start, ubig stop)
-{
- char *q; /* sieve spot */
- ubig factor; /* index and factor */
- char *tab_lim; /* the limit to sieve on the table */
- const ubig *p; /* prime table pointer */
- ubig fact_lim; /* highest prime for current block */
- ubig mod; /* temp storage for mod */
-
- /*
- * A number of systems can not convert double values into unsigned
- * longs when the values are larger than the largest signed value.
- * We don't have this problem, so we can go all the way to BIG.
- */
- if (start < 3) {
- start = (ubig)2;
- }
- if (stop < 3) {
- stop = (ubig)2;
- }
- if (stop <= start) {
- return;
- }
-
- /*
- * be sure that the values are odd, or 2
- */
- if (start != 2 && (start&0x1) == 0) {
- ++start;
- }
- if (stop != 2 && (stop&0x1) == 0) {
- ++stop;
- }
-
- /*
- * quick list of primes <= pr_limit
- */
- if (start <= *pr_limit) {
- /* skip primes up to the start value */
- for (p = &prime[0], factor = prime[0];
- factor < stop && p <= pr_limit; factor = *(++p)) {
- if (factor >= start) {
- printf(hflag ? "%" PRIx64 "\n" : "%" PRIu64 "\n", factor);
- }
- }
- /* return early if we are done */
- if (p <= pr_limit) {
- return;
- }
- start = *pr_limit+2;
- }
-
- /*
- * we shall sieve a bytemap window, note primes and move the window
- * upward until we pass the stop point
- */
- while (start < stop) {
- /*
- * factor out 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13
- */
- /* initial pattern copy */
- factor = (start%(2*3*5*7*11*13))/2; /* starting copy spot */
- memcpy(table, &pattern[factor], pattern_size-factor);
- /* main block pattern copies */
- for (fact_lim=pattern_size-factor;
- fact_lim+pattern_size<=TABSIZE; fact_lim+=pattern_size) {
- memcpy(&table[fact_lim], pattern, pattern_size);
- }
- /* final block pattern copy */
- memcpy(&table[fact_lim], pattern, TABSIZE-fact_lim);
-
- /*
- * sieve for primes 17 and higher
- */
- /* note highest useful factor and sieve spot */
- if (stop-start > TABSIZE+TABSIZE) {
- tab_lim = &table[TABSIZE]; /* sieve it all */
- fact_lim = sqrt(start+1.0+TABSIZE+TABSIZE);
- } else {
- tab_lim = &table[(stop-start)/2]; /* partial sieve */
- fact_lim = sqrt(stop+1.0);
- }
- /* sieve for factors >= 17 */
- factor = 17; /* 17 is first prime to use */
- p = &prime[7]; /* 19 is next prime, pi(19)=7 */
- do {
- /* determine the factor's initial sieve point */
- mod = start%factor;
- if (mod & 0x1) {
- q = &table[(factor-mod)/2];
- } else {
- q = &table[mod ? factor-(mod/2) : 0];
- }
- /* sive for our current factor */
- for ( ; q < tab_lim; q += factor) {
- *q = '\0'; /* sieve out a spot */
- }
- factor = *p++;
- } while (factor <= fact_lim);
-
- /*
- * print generated primes
- */
- for (q = table; q < tab_lim; ++q, start+=2) {
- if (*q) {
- if (start > SIEVEMAX) {
- if (!isprime(start))
- continue;
- }
- printf(hflag ? "%" PRIx64 "\n" : "%" PRIu64 "\n", start);
- }
- }
- }
-}
-
-static void
-usage(void)
-{
- fprintf(stderr, "usage: primes [-h] [start [stop]]\n");
- exit(1);
-}
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Landon Curt Noll.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- *
- * @(#)primes.h 8.2 (Berkeley) 3/1/94
- * $FreeBSD$
- */
-
-/*
- * primes - generate a table of primes between two values
- *
- * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
- *
- * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
- */
-
-#include <stdint.h>
-
-/* ubig is the type that holds a large unsigned value */
-typedef uint64_t ubig; /* must be >=32 bit unsigned value */
-#define BIG ULONG_MAX /* largest value will sieve */
-
-/* bytes in sieve table (must be > 3*5*7*11) */
-#define TABSIZE 256*1024
-
-/*
- * prime[i] is the (i-1)th prime.
- *
- * We are able to sieve 2^32-1 because this byte table yields all primes
- * up to 65537 and 65537^2 > 2^32-1.
- */
-extern const ubig prime[];
-extern const ubig *const pr_limit; /* largest prime in the prime array */
-
-/* Maximum size sieving alone can handle. */
-#define SIEVEMAX 4295098368ULL
-
-/*
- * To avoid excessive sieves for small factors, we use the table below to
- * setup our sieve blocks. Each element represents an odd number starting
- * with 1. All non-zero elements are factors of 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13.
- */
-extern const char pattern[];
-extern const size_t pattern_size; /* length of pattern array */
-
-/* Test for primality using strong pseudoprime tests. */
-int isprime(ubig);
-
-/* Maximum value which the SPSP code can handle. */
-#define SPSPMAX 3825123056546413050ULL
+++ /dev/null
-/*-
- * Copyright (c) 2014 Colin Percival
- * All rights reserved.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
-
-#include <assert.h>
-#include <stddef.h>
-#include <stdint.h>
-
-#include "primes.h"
-
-/* Return a * b % n, where 0 <= a, b < 2^63, 0 < n < 2^63. */
-static uint64_t
-mulmod(uint64_t a, uint64_t b, uint64_t n)
-{
- uint64_t x = 0;
-
- while (b != 0) {
- if (b & 1)
- x = (x + a) % n;
- a = (a + a) % n;
- b >>= 1;
- }
-
- return (x);
-}
-
-/* Return a^r % n, where 0 <= a < 2^63, 0 < n < 2^63. */
-static uint64_t
-powmod(uint64_t a, uint64_t r, uint64_t n)
-{
- uint64_t x = 1;
-
- while (r != 0) {
- if (r & 1)
- x = mulmod(a, x, n);
- a = mulmod(a, a, n);
- r >>= 1;
- }
-
- return (x);
-}
-
-/* Return non-zero if n is a strong pseudoprime to base p. */
-static int
-spsp(uint64_t n, uint64_t p)
-{
- uint64_t x;
- uint64_t r = n - 1;
- int k = 0;
-
- /* Compute n - 1 = 2^k * r. */
- while ((r & 1) == 0) {
- k++;
- r >>= 1;
- }
-
- /* Compute x = p^r mod n. If x = 1, n is a p-spsp. */
- x = powmod(p, r, n);
- if (x == 1)
- return (1);
-
- /* Compute x^(2^i) for 0 <= i < n. If any are -1, n is a p-spsp. */
- while (k > 0) {
- if (x == n - 1)
- return (1);
- x = powmod(x, 2, n);
- k--;
- }
-
- /* Not a p-spsp. */
- return (0);
-}
-
-/* Test for primality using strong pseudoprime tests. */
-int
-isprime(ubig _n)
-{
- uint64_t n = _n;
-
- /*
- * Values from:
- * C. Pomerance, J.L. Selfridge, and S.S. Wagstaff, Jr.,
- * The pseudoprimes to 25 * 10^9, Math. Comp. 35(151):1003-1026, 1980.
- */
-
- /* No SPSPs to base 2 less than 2047. */
- if (!spsp(n, 2))
- return (0);
- if (n < 2047ULL)
- return (1);
-
- /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3 less than 1373653. */
- if (!spsp(n, 3))
- return (0);
- if (n < 1373653ULL)
- return (1);
-
- /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5 less than 25326001. */
- if (!spsp(n, 5))
- return (0);
- if (n < 25326001ULL)
- return (1);
-
- /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7 less than 3215031751. */
- if (!spsp(n, 7))
- return (0);
- if (n < 3215031751ULL)
- return (1);
-
- /*
- * Values from:
- * G. Jaeschke, On strong pseudoprimes to several bases,
- * Math. Comp. 61(204):915-926, 1993.
- */
-
- /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11 less than 2152302898747. */
- if (!spsp(n, 11))
- return (0);
- if (n < 2152302898747ULL)
- return (1);
-
- /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11,13 less than 3474749660383. */
- if (!spsp(n, 13))
- return (0);
- if (n < 3474749660383ULL)
- return (1);
-
- /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11,13,17 less than 341550071728321. */
- if (!spsp(n, 17))
- return (0);
- if (n < 341550071728321ULL)
- return (1);
-
- /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11,13,17,19 less than 341550071728321. */
- if (!spsp(n, 19))
- return (0);
- if (n < 341550071728321ULL)
- return (1);
-
- /*
- * Value from:
- * Y. Jiang and Y. Deng, Strong pseudoprimes to the first eight prime
- * bases, Math. Comp. 83(290):2915-2924, 2014.
- */
-
- /* No SPSPs to bases 2..23 less than 3825123056546413051. */
- if (!spsp(n, 23))
- return (0);
- if (n < 3825123056546413051)
- return (1);
-
- /* We can't handle values larger than this. */
- assert(n <= SPSPMAX);
-
- /* UNREACHABLE */
- return (0);
-}
+++ /dev/null
-# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 3/31/94
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-PROG= random
-MAN= random.6
-SRCS= random.c randomize_fd.c
-
-.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
-
-DIRDEPS = \
- gnu/lib/csu \
- gnu/lib/libgcc \
- include \
- include/xlocale \
- lib/${CSU_DIR} \
- lib/libc \
- lib/libcompiler_rt \
-
-
-.include <dirdeps.mk>
-
-.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
-# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
-.endif
+++ /dev/null
-.\" Copyright (c) 1994
-.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
-.\"
-.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
-.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
-.\" are met:
-.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
-.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
-.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
-.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
-.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
-.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
-.\" without specific prior written permission.
-.\"
-.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
-.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
-.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
-.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
-.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
-.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
-.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
-.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
-.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
-.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
-.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
-.\"
-.\" @(#)random.6 8.2 (Berkeley) 3/31/94
-.\" $FreeBSD$
-.\"
-.Dd February 8, 2003
-.Dt RANDOM 6
-.Os
-.Sh NAME
-.Nm random
-.Nd random lines from a file or random numbers
-.Sh SYNOPSIS
-.Nm
-.Op Fl elrUuw
-.Op Fl f Ar filename
-.Op Ar denominator
-.Sh DESCRIPTION
-.Nm Random
-has two distinct modes of operations.
-The default is to read in lines
-from the standard input and randomly write them out
-to the standard output with a probability of
-1 /
-.Ar denominator .
-The default
-.Ar denominator
-for this mode of operation is 2, giving each line a 50/50 chance of
-being displayed.
-.Pp
-The second mode of operation is to read in a file from
-.Ar filename
-and randomize the contents of the file and send it back out to
-standard output.
-The contents can be randomized based off of newlines or based off of
-space characters as determined by
-.Xr isspace 3 .
-The default
-.Ar denominator
-for this mode of operation is 1, which gives each line a chance to be
-displayed, but in a
-.Xr random 3
-order.
-.Pp
-The options are as follows:
-.Bl -tag -width Ds
-.It Fl e
-If the
-.Fl e
-option is specified,
-.Nm
-does not read or write anything, and simply exits with a random
-exit value of 0 to
-.Ar denominator
-\&- 1, inclusive.
-.It Fl f Ar filename
-The
-.Fl f
-option is used to specify the
-.Ar filename
-to read from.
-Standard input is used if
-.Ar filename
-is set to
-.Sq Fl .
-.It Fl l
-Randomize the input via newlines (the default).
-.It Fl r
-The
-.Fl r
-option guarantees that the output is unbuffered.
-.It Fl U
-Tells
-.Xr random 6
-that it is okay for it to reuse any given line or word when creating a
-randomized output.
-.It Fl u
-Tells
-.Xr random 6
-not to select the same line or word from a file more than once (the
-default).
-This does not guarantee uniqueness if there are two of the
-same tokens from the input, but it does prevent selecting the same
-token more than once.
-.It Fl w
-Randomize words separated by
-.Xr isspace 3
-instead of newlines.
-.El
-.Sh SEE ALSO
-.Xr random 3 ,
-.Xr fortune 6
-.Sh HISTORY
-The
-functionality to randomizing lines and words was added in 2003 by
-.An Sean Chittenden Aq Mt seanc@FreeBSD.org .
-.Sh BUGS
-No index is used when printing out tokens from the list which
-makes it rather slow for large files (10MB+).
-For smaller
-files, however, it should still be quite fast and efficient.
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (c) 1994
- * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
- *
- * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
- * Guy Harris at Network Appliance Corp.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
- * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
- * without specific prior written permission.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#if 0
-#ifndef lint
-static const char copyright[] =
-"@(#) Copyright (c) 1994\n\
- The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
-#endif /* not lint */
-
-#ifndef lint
-static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)random.c 8.5 (Berkeley) 4/5/94";
-#endif /* not lint */
-#endif
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
-
-#include <sys/types.h>
-
-#include <err.h>
-#include <errno.h>
-#include <fcntl.h>
-#include <limits.h>
-#include <locale.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <time.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#include "randomize_fd.h"
-
-static void usage(void);
-
-int
-main(int argc, char *argv[])
-{
- double denom;
- int ch, fd, random_exit, randomize_lines, random_type, ret,
- selected, unique_output, unbuffer_output;
- char *ep;
- const char *filename;
-
- denom = 0;
- filename = "/dev/fd/0";
- random_type = RANDOM_TYPE_UNSET;
- random_exit = randomize_lines = unbuffer_output = 0;
- unique_output = 1;
-
- (void)setlocale(LC_CTYPE, "");
-
- while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "ef:hlruUw")) != -1)
- switch (ch) {
- case 'e':
- random_exit = 1;
- break;
- case 'f':
- randomize_lines = 1;
- if (strcmp(optarg, "-") != 0)
- filename = optarg;
- break;
- case 'l':
- randomize_lines = 1;
- random_type = RANDOM_TYPE_LINES;
- break;
- case 'r':
- unbuffer_output = 1;
- break;
- case 'u':
- randomize_lines = 1;
- unique_output = 1;
- break;
- case 'U':
- randomize_lines = 1;
- unique_output = 0;
- break;
- case 'w':
- randomize_lines = 1;
- random_type = RANDOM_TYPE_WORDS;
- break;
- default:
- case '?':
- usage();
- /* NOTREACHED */
- }
-
- argc -= optind;
- argv += optind;
-
- switch (argc) {
- case 0:
- denom = (randomize_lines ? 1 : 2);
- break;
- case 1:
- errno = 0;
- denom = strtod(*argv, &ep);
- if (errno == ERANGE)
- err(1, "%s", *argv);
- if (denom <= 0 || *ep != '\0')
- errx(1, "denominator is not valid.");
- if (random_exit && denom > 256)
- errx(1, "denominator must be <= 256 for random exit.");
- break;
- default:
- usage();
- /* NOTREACHED */
- }
-
- srandomdev();
-
- /*
- * Act as a filter, randomly choosing lines of the standard input
- * to write to the standard output.
- */
- if (unbuffer_output)
- setbuf(stdout, NULL);
-
- /*
- * Act as a filter, randomizing lines read in from a given file
- * descriptor and write the output to standard output.
- */
- if (randomize_lines) {
- if ((fd = open(filename, O_RDONLY, 0)) < 0)
- err(1, "%s", filename);
- ret = randomize_fd(fd, random_type, unique_output, denom);
- if (!random_exit)
- return(ret);
- }
-
- /* Compute a random exit status between 0 and denom - 1. */
- if (random_exit)
- return (int)(denom * random() / RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1);
-
- /*
- * Select whether to print the first line. (Prime the pump.)
- * We find a random number between 0 and denom - 1 and, if it's
- * 0 (which has a 1 / denom chance of being true), we select the
- * line.
- */
- selected = (int)(denom * random() / RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) == 0;
- while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF) {
- if (selected)
- (void)putchar(ch);
- if (ch == '\n') {
- /* End of that line. See if we got an error. */
- if (ferror(stdout))
- err(2, "stdout");
-
- /* Now see if the next line is to be printed. */
- selected = (int)(denom * random() /
- RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) == 0;
- }
- }
- if (ferror(stdin))
- err(2, "stdin");
- exit (0);
-}
-
-static void
-usage(void)
-{
-
- fprintf(stderr, "usage: random [-elrUuw] [-f filename] [denominator]\n");
- exit(1);
-}
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (C) 2003 Sean Chittenden <seanc@FreeBSD.org>
- * All rights reserved.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE PROJECT AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE PROJECT OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- */
-
-#include <sys/cdefs.h>
-__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
-
-#include <sys/types.h>
-#include <sys/param.h>
-
-#include <ctype.h>
-#include <err.h>
-#include <errno.h>
-#include <stdlib.h>
-#include <stdio.h>
-#include <string.h>
-#include <unistd.h>
-
-#include "randomize_fd.h"
-
-static struct rand_node *rand_root;
-static struct rand_node *rand_tail;
-
-static struct rand_node *
-rand_node_allocate(void)
-{
- struct rand_node *n;
-
- n = (struct rand_node *)malloc(sizeof(struct rand_node));
- if (n == NULL)
- err(1, "malloc");
-
- n->len = 0;
- n->cp = NULL;
- n->next = NULL;
- return(n);
-}
-
-static void
-rand_node_free(struct rand_node *n)
-{
- if (n != NULL) {
- if (n->cp != NULL)
- free(n->cp);
-
- free(n);
- }
-}
-
-static void
-rand_node_free_rec(struct rand_node *n)
-{
- if (n != NULL) {
- if (n->next != NULL)
- rand_node_free_rec(n->next);
-
- rand_node_free(n);
- }
-}
-
-static void
-rand_node_append(struct rand_node *n)
-{
- if (rand_root == NULL)
- rand_root = rand_tail = n;
- else {
- rand_tail->next = n;
- rand_tail = n;
- }
-}
-
-int
-randomize_fd(int fd, int type, int unique, double denom)
-{
- u_char *buf;
- u_int slen;
- u_long i, j, numnode, selected;
- struct rand_node *n, *prev;
- int bufleft, eof, fndstr, ret;
- size_t bufc, buflen;
- ssize_t len;
-
- rand_root = rand_tail = NULL;
- bufc = i = 0;
- bufleft = eof = fndstr = numnode = 0;
-
- if (type == RANDOM_TYPE_UNSET)
- type = RANDOM_TYPE_LINES;
-
- buflen = sizeof(u_char) * MAXBSIZE;
- buf = (u_char *)malloc(buflen);
- if (buf == NULL)
- err(1, "malloc");
-
- while (!eof) {
- /* Check to see if we have bits in the buffer */
- if (bufleft == 0) {
- len = read(fd, buf, buflen);
- if (len == -1)
- err(1, "read");
- else if (len == 0) {
- eof++;
- break;
- } else if ((size_t)len < buflen)
- buflen = (size_t)len;
-
- bufleft = (int)len;
- }
-
- /* Look for a newline */
- for (i = bufc; i <= buflen && bufleft >= 0; i++, bufleft--) {
- if (i == buflen) {
- if (fndstr) {
- if (!eof) {
- memmove(buf, &buf[bufc], i - bufc);
- i -= bufc;
- bufc = 0;
- len = read(fd, &buf[i], buflen - i);
- if (len == -1)
- err(1, "read");
- else if (len == 0) {
- eof++;
- break;
- } else if (len < (ssize_t)(buflen - i))
- buflen = i + (size_t)len;
-
- bufleft = (int)len;
- fndstr = 0;
- }
- } else {
- buflen *= 2;
- buf = (u_char *)realloc(buf, buflen);
- if (buf == NULL)
- err(1, "realloc");
-
- if (!eof) {
- len = read(fd, &buf[i], buflen - i);
- if (len == -1)
- err(1, "read");
- else if (len == 0) {
- eof++;
- break;
- } else if (len < (ssize_t)(buflen - i))
- buflen = i + (size_t)len;
-
- bufleft = (int)len;
- }
-
- }
- }
-
- if ((type == RANDOM_TYPE_LINES && buf[i] == '\n') ||
- (type == RANDOM_TYPE_WORDS && isspace(buf[i])) ||
- (eof && i == buflen - 1)) {
- make_token:
- if (numnode == RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) {
- errno = EFBIG;
- err(1, "too many delimiters");
- }
- numnode++;
- n = rand_node_allocate();
- if (-1 != (int)i) {
- slen = i - (u_long)bufc;
- n->len = slen + 2;
- n->cp = (u_char *)malloc(slen + 2);
- if (n->cp == NULL)
- err(1, "malloc");
-
- memmove(n->cp, &buf[bufc], slen);
- n->cp[slen] = buf[i];
- n->cp[slen + 1] = '\0';
- bufc = i + 1;
- }
- rand_node_append(n);
- fndstr = 1;
- }
- }
- }
-
- (void)close(fd);
-
- /* Necessary evil to compensate for files that don't end with a newline */
- if (bufc != i) {
- i--;
- goto make_token;
- }
-
- free(buf);
-
- for (i = numnode; i > 0; i--) {
- selected = random() % numnode;
-
- for (j = 0, prev = n = rand_root; n != NULL; j++, prev = n, n = n->next) {
- if (j == selected) {
- if (n->cp == NULL)
- break;
-
- if ((int)(denom * random() /
- RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) == 0) {
- ret = printf("%.*s",
- (int)n->len - 1, n->cp);
- if (ret < 0)
- err(1, "printf");
- }
- if (unique) {
- if (n == rand_root)
- rand_root = n->next;
- if (n == rand_tail)
- rand_tail = prev;
-
- prev->next = n->next;
- rand_node_free(n);
- numnode--;
- }
- break;
- }
- }
- }
-
- fflush(stdout);
-
- if (!unique)
- rand_node_free_rec(rand_root);
-
- return(0);
-}
+++ /dev/null
-/*
- * Copyright (C) 2003 Sean Chittenden <seanc@FreeBSD.org>
- * All rights reserved.
- *
- * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
- * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
- * are met:
- * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
- * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
- * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
- * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
- *
- * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE PROJECT AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
- * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
- * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
- * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE PROJECT OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
- * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
- * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
- * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
- * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
- * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
- * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
- * SUCH DAMAGE.
- *
- * $FreeBSD$
- */
-
-#ifndef __RANDOMIZE_FD__
-#define __RANDOMIZE_FD__
-
-/*
- * The random() function is defined to return values between 0 and
- * 2^31 - 1 inclusive in random(3).
- */
-#define RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1 0x80000000UL
-
-#define RANDOM_TYPE_UNSET 0
-#define RANDOM_TYPE_LINES 1
-#define RANDOM_TYPE_WORDS 2
-
-/* The multiple instance single integer key */
-struct rand_node {
- u_char *cp;
- u_int len;
- struct rand_node *next;
-};
-
-int randomize_fd(int fd, int type, int unique, double denom);
-
-#endif
+++ /dev/null
-# $FreeBSD$
-
-.include <bsd.own.mk>
-
-TESTSDIR= ${TESTSBASE}/games
-
-.PATH: ${.CURDIR:H:H}/tests
-KYUAFILE= yes
-
-.include <bsd.test.mk>
SUBDIR+= ftp
.endif
+.if ${MK_GAMES} != "no"
+SUBDIR+= caesar
+SUBDIR+= factor
+SUBDIR+= fortune
+SUBDIR+= grdc
+SUBDIR+= morse
+SUBDIR+= number
+SUBDIR+= pom
+SUBDIR+= primes
+SUBDIR+= random
+.endif
+
.if ${MK_GPL_DTC} != "yes"
SUBDIR+= dtc
.endif
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= caesar
+DPADD= ${LIBM}
+LDADD= -lm
+SCRIPTS=rot13.sh
+MAN= caesar.6
+MLINKS= caesar.6 rot13.6
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+ lib/msun \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)caesar.6 8.2 (Berkeley) 11/16/93
+.\" $FreeBSD$
+.\"
+.Dd November 16, 1993
+.Dt CAESAR 6
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm caesar , rot13
+.Nd decrypt caesar ciphers
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Ar rotation
+.Nm rot13
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+The
+.Nm
+utility attempts to decrypt caesar ciphers using English letter frequency
+statistics.
+.Nm Caesar
+reads from the standard input and writes to the standard output.
+.Pp
+The optional numerical argument
+.Ar rotation
+may be used to specify a specific rotation value.
+If invoked as
+.Nm rot13 ,
+a rotation value of 13 will be used.
+.Pp
+The frequency (from most common to least) of English letters is as follows:
+.Bd -ragged -offset indent
+ETAONRISHDLFCMUGPYWBVKXJQZ
+.Ed
+.Pp
+Their frequencies as a percentage are as follows:
+.Bd -ragged -offset indent
+E(13), T(10.5), A(8.1), O(7.9), N(7.1), R(6.8), I(6.3), S(6.1), H(5.2),
+D(3.8), L(3.4), F(2.9), C(2.7), M(2.5), U(2.4), G(2),
+P(1.9), Y(1.9),
+W(1.5), B(1.4), V(.9), K(.4), X(.15), J(.13), Q(.11), Z(.07).
+.Ed
+.Pp
+Rotated postings to
+.Tn USENET
+and some of the databases used by the
+.Xr fortune 6
+program are rotated by 13 characters.
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Rick Adams.
+ *
+ * Authors:
+ * Stan King, John Eldridge, based on algorithm suggested by
+ * Bob Morris
+ * 29-Sep-82
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#if 0
+#ifndef lint
+static const char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)caesar.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif /* not lint */
+#endif
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
+
+#include <errno.h>
+#include <math.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#define LINELENGTH 2048
+#define ROTATE(ch, perm) \
+ isascii(ch) ? ( \
+ isupper(ch) ? ('A' + (ch - 'A' + perm) % 26) : \
+ islower(ch) ? ('a' + (ch - 'a' + perm) % 26) : ch) : ch
+
+/*
+ * letter frequencies (taken from some unix(tm) documentation)
+ * (unix is a trademark of Bell Laboratories)
+ */
+static double stdf[26] = {
+ 7.97, 1.35, 3.61, 4.78, 12.37, 2.01, 1.46, 4.49, 6.39, 0.04,
+ 0.42, 3.81, 2.69, 5.92, 6.96, 2.91, 0.08, 6.63, 8.77, 9.68,
+ 2.62, 0.81, 1.88, 0.23, 2.07, 0.06,
+};
+
+static void printit(char *);
+
+int
+main(int argc, char **argv)
+{
+ int ch, dot, i, nread, winnerdot = 0;
+ char *inbuf;
+ int obs[26], try, winner;
+
+ if (argc > 1)
+ printit(argv[1]);
+
+ if (!(inbuf = malloc((size_t)LINELENGTH))) {
+ (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: out of memory.\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+
+ /* adjust frequency table to weight low probs REAL low */
+ for (i = 0; i < 26; ++i)
+ stdf[i] = log(stdf[i]) + log(26.0 / 100.0);
+
+ /* zero out observation table */
+ bzero(obs, 26 * sizeof(int));
+
+ if ((nread = read(STDIN_FILENO, inbuf, (size_t)LINELENGTH)) < 0) {
+ (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: %s\n", strerror(errno));
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ for (i = nread; i--;) {
+ ch = (unsigned char) inbuf[i];
+ if (isascii(ch)) {
+ if (islower(ch))
+ ++obs[ch - 'a'];
+ else if (isupper(ch))
+ ++obs[ch - 'A'];
+ }
+ }
+
+ /*
+ * now "dot" the freqs with the observed letter freqs
+ * and keep track of best fit
+ */
+ for (try = winner = 0; try < 26; ++try) { /* += 13) { */
+ dot = 0;
+ for (i = 0; i < 26; i++)
+ dot += obs[i] * stdf[(i + try) % 26];
+ /* initialize winning score */
+ if (try == 0)
+ winnerdot = dot;
+ if (dot > winnerdot) {
+ /* got a new winner! */
+ winner = try;
+ winnerdot = dot;
+ }
+ }
+
+ for (;;) {
+ for (i = 0; i < nread; ++i) {
+ ch = (unsigned char) inbuf[i];
+ putchar(ROTATE(ch, winner));
+ }
+ if (nread < LINELENGTH)
+ break;
+ if ((nread = read(STDIN_FILENO, inbuf, (size_t)LINELENGTH)) < 0) {
+ (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: %s\n", strerror(errno));
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ }
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+static void
+printit(char *arg)
+{
+ int ch, rot;
+
+ if ((rot = atoi(arg)) < 0) {
+ (void)fprintf(stderr, "caesar: bad rotation value.\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF)
+ putchar(ROTATE(ch, rot));
+ exit(0);
+}
--- /dev/null
+#!/bin/sh -
+#
+# Copyright (c) 1992, 1993
+# The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+#
+# Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+# modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+# are met:
+# 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+# 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+# notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+# documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+# 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+# may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+# without specific prior written permission.
+#
+# THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+# ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+# IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+# ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+# FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+# DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+# OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+# HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+# LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+# OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+# SUCH DAMAGE.
+#
+# @(#)rot13.sh 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+exec /usr/bin/caesar 13 "$@"
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+.include <src.opts.mk>
+
+PROG= factor
+SRCS= factor.c pr_tbl.c
+CFLAGS+=-I${.CURDIR}/../primes
+
+.if ${MK_OPENSSL} != "no"
+CFLAGS+=-DHAVE_OPENSSL
+DPADD= ${LIBCRYPTO}
+LDADD= -lcrypto
+.endif
+
+MAN= factor.6
+MLINKS+=factor.6 primes.6
+.PATH: ${.CURDIR}/../primes
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+ secure/lib/libcrypto \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+.\" Landon Curt Noll.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)factor.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+.\"
+.\" $FreeBSD$
+.\"
+.\" By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
+.\"
+.\" chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
+.\"
+.Dd October 10, 2002
+.Dt FACTOR 6
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm factor , primes
+.Nd factor a number, generate primes
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Fl h
+.Op Ar number ...
+.Nm primes
+.Op Fl h
+.Op Ar start Op Ar stop
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+The
+.Nm
+utility will factor positive integers.
+When a number is factored, it is printed, followed by a
+.Ql \&: ,
+and the list of factors on a single line.
+Factors are listed in ascending order, and are preceded by a space.
+If a factor divides a value more than once, it will be printed more than once.
+.Pp
+When
+.Nm
+is invoked with one or more arguments, each argument will be factored.
+.Pp
+When
+.Nm
+is invoked with no arguments,
+.Nm
+reads numbers, one per line, from standard input, until end of file or error.
+Leading white-space and empty lines are ignored.
+Numbers may be preceded by a single
+.Ql + .
+Numbers are terminated by a non-digit character (such as a newline).
+After a number is read, it is factored.
+.Pp
+The
+.Nm primes
+utility prints primes in ascending order, one per line, starting at or above
+.Ar start
+and continuing until, but not including
+.Ar stop .
+The
+.Ar start
+value must be at least 0 and not greater than
+.Ar stop .
+The
+.Ar stop
+value must not be greater than the maximum.
+The default and maximum value of
+.Ar stop
+is 3825123056546413050.
+.Pp
+When the
+.Nm primes
+utility is invoked with no arguments,
+.Ar start
+is read from standard input and
+.Ar stop
+is taken to be the maximum.
+The
+.Ar start
+value may be preceded by a single
+.Ql + .
+The
+.Ar start
+value is terminated by a non-digit character (such as a newline).
+.Sh DIAGNOSTICS
+.Bl -diag
+.It "negative numbers aren't permitted"
+.It "illegal numeric format"
+.It "start value must be less than stop value"
+.It "Result too large"
+.El
+.Sh BUGS
+.Nm
+cannot handle the
+.Dq "10 most wanted"
+factor list,
+.Nm primes
+will not get you a world record.
+.Pp
+.Nm primes
+is unable to list primes between 3825123056546413050 and 18446744073709551615
+since it relies on strong pseudoprime tests after sieving, and nobody has
+proven how many strong pseudoprime tests are required to prove primality for
+integers larger than 3825123056546413050.
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Landon Curt Noll.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+#ifdef __COPYRIGHT
+__COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.");
+#endif
+#ifdef __SCCSID
+__SCCSID("@(#)factor.c 8.4 (Berkeley) 5/4/95");
+#endif
+#ifdef __RCSID
+__RCSID("$NetBSD: factor.c,v 1.19 2009/08/12 05:54:31 dholland Exp $");
+#endif
+#ifdef __FBSDID
+__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
+#endif
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+/*
+ * factor - factor a number into primes
+ *
+ * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
+ *
+ * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
+ *
+ * usage:
+ * factor [-h] [number] ...
+ *
+ * The form of the output is:
+ *
+ * number: factor1 factor1 factor2 factor3 factor3 factor3 ...
+ *
+ * where factor1 <= factor2 <= factor3 <= ...
+ *
+ * If no args are given, the list of numbers are read from stdin.
+ */
+
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <err.h>
+#include <errno.h>
+#include <inttypes.h>
+#include <limits.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#include "primes.h"
+
+#ifdef HAVE_OPENSSL
+
+#include <openssl/bn.h>
+
+#define PRIME_CHECKS 5
+
+static void pollard_pminus1(BIGNUM *); /* print factors for big numbers */
+
+#else
+
+typedef ubig BIGNUM;
+typedef u_long BN_ULONG;
+
+#define BN_CTX int
+#define BN_CTX_new() NULL
+#define BN_new() ((BIGNUM *)calloc(sizeof(BIGNUM), 1))
+#define BN_is_zero(v) (*(v) == 0)
+#define BN_is_one(v) (*(v) == 1)
+#define BN_mod_word(a, b) (*(a) % (b))
+
+static int BN_dec2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str);
+static int BN_hex2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str);
+static BN_ULONG BN_div_word(BIGNUM *, BN_ULONG);
+static void BN_print_fp(FILE *, const BIGNUM *);
+
+#endif
+
+static void BN_print_dec_fp(FILE *, const BIGNUM *);
+
+static void pr_fact(BIGNUM *); /* print factors of a value */
+static void pr_print(BIGNUM *); /* print a prime */
+static void usage(void);
+
+static BN_CTX *ctx; /* just use a global context */
+static int hflag;
+
+int
+main(int argc, char *argv[])
+{
+ BIGNUM *val;
+ int ch;
+ char *p, buf[LINE_MAX]; /* > max number of digits. */
+
+ ctx = BN_CTX_new();
+ val = BN_new();
+ if (val == NULL)
+ errx(1, "can't initialise bignum");
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "h")) != -1)
+ switch (ch) {
+ case 'h':
+ hflag++;
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ usage();
+ }
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ /* No args supplied, read numbers from stdin. */
+ if (argc == 0)
+ for (;;) {
+ if (fgets(buf, sizeof(buf), stdin) == NULL) {
+ if (ferror(stdin))
+ err(1, "stdin");
+ exit (0);
+ }
+ for (p = buf; isblank(*p); ++p);
+ if (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0')
+ continue;
+ if (*p == '-')
+ errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
+ if (BN_dec2bn(&val, buf) == 0 &&
+ BN_hex2bn(&val, buf) == 0)
+ errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", buf);
+ pr_fact(val);
+ }
+ /* Factor the arguments. */
+ else
+ for (; *argv != NULL; ++argv) {
+ if (argv[0][0] == '-')
+ errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
+ if (BN_dec2bn(&val, argv[0]) == 0 &&
+ BN_hex2bn(&val, argv[0]) == 0)
+ errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[0]);
+ pr_fact(val);
+ }
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * pr_fact - print the factors of a number
+ *
+ * Print the factors of the number, from the lowest to the highest.
+ * A factor will be printed multiple times if it divides the value
+ * multiple times.
+ *
+ * Factors are printed with leading tabs.
+ */
+static void
+pr_fact(BIGNUM *val)
+{
+ const ubig *fact; /* The factor found. */
+
+ /* Firewall - catch 0 and 1. */
+ if (BN_is_zero(val)) /* Historical practice; 0 just exits. */
+ exit(0);
+ if (BN_is_one(val)) {
+ printf("1: 1\n");
+ return;
+ }
+
+ /* Factor value. */
+
+ if (hflag) {
+ fputs("0x", stdout);
+ BN_print_fp(stdout, val);
+ } else
+ BN_print_dec_fp(stdout, val);
+ putchar(':');
+ for (fact = &prime[0]; !BN_is_one(val); ++fact) {
+ /* Look for the smallest factor. */
+ do {
+ if (BN_mod_word(val, (BN_ULONG)*fact) == 0)
+ break;
+ } while (++fact <= pr_limit);
+
+ /* Watch for primes larger than the table. */
+ if (fact > pr_limit) {
+#ifdef HAVE_OPENSSL
+ BIGNUM *bnfact;
+
+ bnfact = BN_new();
+ BN_set_word(bnfact, *(fact - 1));
+ if (!BN_sqr(bnfact, bnfact, ctx))
+ errx(1, "error in BN_sqr()");
+ if (BN_cmp(bnfact, val) > 0 ||
+ BN_is_prime(val, PRIME_CHECKS,
+ NULL, NULL, NULL) == 1)
+ pr_print(val);
+ else
+ pollard_pminus1(val);
+#else
+ pr_print(val);
+#endif
+ break;
+ }
+
+ /* Divide factor out until none are left. */
+ do {
+ printf(hflag ? " 0x%" PRIx64 "" : " %" PRIu64 "", *fact);
+ BN_div_word(val, (BN_ULONG)*fact);
+ } while (BN_mod_word(val, (BN_ULONG)*fact) == 0);
+
+ /* Let the user know we're doing something. */
+ fflush(stdout);
+ }
+ putchar('\n');
+}
+
+static void
+pr_print(BIGNUM *val)
+{
+ if (hflag) {
+ fputs(" 0x", stdout);
+ BN_print_fp(stdout, val);
+ } else {
+ putchar(' ');
+ BN_print_dec_fp(stdout, val);
+ }
+}
+
+static void
+usage(void)
+{
+ fprintf(stderr, "usage: factor [-h] [value ...]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
+
+#ifdef HAVE_OPENSSL
+
+/* pollard p-1, algorithm from Jim Gillogly, May 2000 */
+static void
+pollard_pminus1(BIGNUM *val)
+{
+ BIGNUM *base, *rbase, *num, *i, *x;
+
+ base = BN_new();
+ rbase = BN_new();
+ num = BN_new();
+ i = BN_new();
+ x = BN_new();
+
+ BN_set_word(rbase, 1);
+newbase:
+ if (!BN_add_word(rbase, 1))
+ errx(1, "error in BN_add_word()");
+ BN_set_word(i, 2);
+ BN_copy(base, rbase);
+
+ for (;;) {
+ BN_mod_exp(base, base, i, val, ctx);
+ if (BN_is_one(base))
+ goto newbase;
+
+ BN_copy(x, base);
+ BN_sub_word(x, 1);
+ if (!BN_gcd(x, x, val, ctx))
+ errx(1, "error in BN_gcd()");
+
+ if (!BN_is_one(x)) {
+ if (BN_is_prime(x, PRIME_CHECKS, NULL, NULL,
+ NULL) == 1)
+ pr_print(x);
+ else
+ pollard_pminus1(x);
+ fflush(stdout);
+
+ BN_div(num, NULL, val, x, ctx);
+ if (BN_is_one(num))
+ return;
+ if (BN_is_prime(num, PRIME_CHECKS, NULL, NULL,
+ NULL) == 1) {
+ pr_print(num);
+ fflush(stdout);
+ return;
+ }
+ BN_copy(val, num);
+ }
+ if (!BN_add_word(i, 1))
+ errx(1, "error in BN_add_word()");
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * Sigh.. No _decimal_ output to file functions in BN.
+ */
+static void
+BN_print_dec_fp(FILE *fp, const BIGNUM *num)
+{
+ char *buf;
+
+ buf = BN_bn2dec(num);
+ if (buf == NULL)
+ return; /* XXX do anything here? */
+ fprintf(fp, "%s", buf);
+ free(buf);
+}
+
+#else
+
+static void
+BN_print_fp(FILE *fp, const BIGNUM *num)
+{
+ fprintf(fp, "%lx", (unsigned long)*num);
+}
+
+static void
+BN_print_dec_fp(FILE *fp, const BIGNUM *num)
+{
+ fprintf(fp, "%lu", (unsigned long)*num);
+}
+
+static int
+BN_dec2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str)
+{
+ char *p;
+
+ errno = 0;
+ **a = strtoul(str, &p, 10);
+ return (errno == 0 && (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0'));
+}
+
+static int
+BN_hex2bn(BIGNUM **a, const char *str)
+{
+ char *p;
+
+ errno = 0;
+ **a = strtoul(str, &p, 16);
+ return (errno == 0 && (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0'));
+}
+
+static BN_ULONG
+BN_div_word(BIGNUM *a, BN_ULONG b)
+{
+ BN_ULONG mod;
+
+ mod = *a % b;
+ *a /= b;
+ return mod;
+}
+
+#endif
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+
+SUBDIR= fortune strfile datfiles unstr
+
+.include <bsd.subdir.mk>
--- /dev/null
+.if exists(${.CURDIR}/../../Makefile.inc)
+.include "${.CURDIR}/../../Makefile.inc"
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Notes 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+Warning:
+ The fortunes contained in the fortune database have been collected
+ haphazardly from a cacophony of sources, in number so huge it
+ boggles the mind. It is impossible to do any meaningful quality
+ control on attributions, or lack thereof, or exactness of the quote.
+ Since this database is not used for profit, and since entire works
+ are not published, it falls under fair use, as we understand it.
+ However, if any half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of
+ this, they will need to double check it all, and nobody not involved
+ of such an effort makes any warranty that anything in the database
+ bears any relation to the real world of literature, law, or other
+ bizzarrity.
+
+==> GENERAL INFORMATION
+ By default, fortune retrieves its fortune files from the directory
+/usr/share/games/fortune. A fortune file has two parts: the source file
+(which contains the fortunes themselves) and the data file which describes
+the fortunes. The data file always has the same name as the fortune file
+with the string ".dat" concatenated, i.e. "fortunes" is the standard fortune
+database, and "fortunes.dat" is the data file which describes it. See
+strfile(8) for more information on creating the data files.
+ Fortunes are split into potentially offensive and not potentially
+offensive parts. The offensive version of a file has the same name as the
+non-offensive version with "-o" concatenated, i.e. "fortunes" is the standard
+fortune database, and "fortunes-o" is the standard offensive database. The
+fortune program automatically assumes that any file with a name ending in
+"-o" is potentially offensive, and should therefore only be displayed if
+explicitly requested, either with the -o option or by specifying a file name
+on the command line.
+ Potentially offensive fortune files should NEVER be maintained in
+clear text on the system. They are rotated (see caesar(6)) 13 positions.
+To create a new, potentially offensive database, use caesar to rotate it,
+and then create its data file with the -x option to strfile(8). The fortune
+program automatically decrypts the text when it prints entries from such
+databases.
+ Anything which would not make it onto network prime time programming
+(or which would only be broadcast if some discredited kind of guy said it)
+MUST be in the potentially offensive database. Fortunes containing any
+explicit language (see George Carlin's recent updated list) MUST be in the
+potentially offensive database. Political and religious opinions are often
+sequestered in the potentially offensive section as well. Anything which
+assumes as a world view blatantly racist, misogynist (sexist), or homophobic
+ideas should not be in either, since they are not really funny unless *you*
+are racist, misogynist, or homophobic.
+ The point of this is that people should have a reasonable
+expectation that, should they just run "fortune", they will not be offended.
+We know that some people take offense at anything, but normal people do have
+opinions, too, and have a right not to have their sensibilities offended by
+a program which is supposed to be entertaining. People who run "fortune
+-o" or "fortune -a" are saying, in effect, that they are willing to have
+their sensibilities tweaked. However, they should not have their personal
+worth seriously (i.e., not in jest) assaulted. Jokes which depend for their
+humor on racist, misogynist, or homophobic stereotypes *do* seriously
+assault individual personal worth, and in a general entertainment medium
+we should be able to get by without it.
+
+==> FORMATTING
+ This file describes the format for fortunes in the database. This
+is done in detail to make it easier to keep track of things. Any rule given
+here may be broken to make a better joke.
+
+[All examples are indented by one tab stop -- KCRCA]
+
+Numbers should be given in parentheses, e.g.,
+
+ (1) Everything depends.
+ (2) Nothing is always.
+ (3) Everything is sometimes.
+
+Attributions are two tab stops, followed by two hyphens, followed by a
+space, followed by the attribution, and are *not* preceded by blank
+lines. Book, journal, movie, and all other titles are in quotes, e.g.,
+
+ $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
+ which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+
+Attributions which do not fit on one (72 char) line should be continued
+on a line which lines up below the first text of the attribution, e.g.,
+
+ -- A very long attribution which might not fit on one
+ line, "Ken Arnold's Stupid Sayings"
+
+Single paragraph fortunes are in left justified (non-indented) paragraphs
+unless they fall into another category listed below (see example above).
+Longer fortunes should also be in left justified paragraphs, but if this
+makes it too long, try indented paragraphs, with indentations of either one
+tab stop or 5 chars. Indentations of less than 5 are too hard to read.
+
+Laws have the title left justified and capitalized, followed by a colon,
+with all the text of the law itself indented one tab stop, initially
+capitalized, e.g.,
+
+ A Law of Computer Programming:
+ Make it possible for programmers to write in English and
+ you will find the programmers cannot write in English.
+
+Limericks are indented as follows, all lines capitalized:
+
+ A computer, to print out a fact,
+ Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+ But this output can be
+ No more than debris,
+ If the input was short of exact.
+
+Accents precede the letter they are over, e.g., "`^He" for e with a grave
+accent. Underlining is done on a word-by-word basis, with the underlines
+preceding the word, e.g., "__^H^Hhi ____^H^H^H^Hthere".
+
+No fortune should run beyond 72 characters on a single line without good
+justification (er, no pun intended). And no right margin justification,
+either. Sorry. For BSD people, there is a program called "fmt" which can
+make this kind of formatting easier.
+
+Definitions are given with the word or phrase left justified, followed by
+the part of speech (if appropriate) and a colon. The definition starts
+indented by one tab stop, with subsequent lines left justified, e.g.,
+
+ Afternoon, n.:
+ That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
+ the morning.
+
+Quotes are sometimes put around statements which are funnier or make more
+sense if they are understood as being spoken, rather than written,
+communication, e.g.,
+
+ "All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that
+ keeps us sane."
+
+Ellipses are always surrounded by spaces, except when next to punctuation,
+and are three dots long.
+
+ "... all the modern inconveniences ..."
+ -- Mark Twain
+
+Human initials always have spaces after the periods, e.g, "P. T. Barnum",
+not "P.T. Barnum". However, "P.T.A.", not "P. T. A.".
+
+All fortunes should be attributed, but if and only if they are original with
+somebody. Many people have said things that are folk sayings (i.e., are
+common among the folk (i.e., us common slobs)). There is nothing wrong with
+this, of course, but such statements should not be attributed to individuals
+who did not invent them.
+
+Horoscopes should have the sign indented by one tab stop, followed by the
+dates of the sign, with the text left justified below it, e.g.,
+
+ AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
+ You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
+ lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
+ careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
+ and over again. People think you are stupid.
+
+Single quotes should not be used except as quotes within quotes. Not even
+single quotes masquerading as double quotes are to be used, e.g., don't say
+``hi there'' or `hi there' or 'hi there', but "hi there". However, you
+*can* say "I said, `hi there'".
+
+A long poem or song can be ordered as follows in order to make it fit on a
+screen (fortunes should be 19 lines or less if at all possible) (numbers
+here are stanza numbers):
+
+ 11111111111111111111
+ 11111111111111111111
+ 11111111111111111111 22222222222222222222
+ 11111111111111111111 22222222222222222222
+ 22222222222222222222
+ 33333333333333333333 22222222222222222222
+ 33333333333333333333
+ 33333333333333333333 44444444444444444444
+ 33333333333333333333 44444444444444444444
+ 44444444444444444444
+ 44444444444444444444
+
+
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)README 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+The potentially offensive fortunes are installed by default on FreeBSD
+systems. If you're absolutely, *positively*, without-a-shadow-of-a-doubt
+sure that your user community goes berzerk/sues your pants off/drops dead
+upon reading one of them, edit the Makefile in the subdirectory datfiles,
+and do "make all install".
+
+=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
+ Some years ago, my neighbor Avery said to me: "There has not been an
+adequate jokebook published since "Joe_Miller", which came out in 1739 and
+which, incidentally, was the most miserable no-good ... jokebook in the
+history of the printed word."
+ In a subsequent conversation, Avery said: "A funny story is a funny
+story, no matter who is in it - whether it's about Catholics or Protestants,
+Jews or Gentiles, blacks or whites, browns or yellows. If a story is genuinely
+funny it makes no difference how dirty it is. Shout it from the rooftops.
+Let the chips fall all over the prairie and let the bonehead wowsers yelp.
+... on them."
+ It is a nice thing to have a neighbor of Avery's grain. He has
+believed in the aforestated principles all his life. A great many other
+people nowadays are casting aside the pietistic attitude that has led them
+to plug up their ears against the facts of life. We of The Brotherhood
+believe as Avery believes; we have never been intimidated by the pharisaical
+meddlers who have been smelling up the American landscape since the time of
+the bundling board. Neither has any one of our members ever been called a
+racist. Still, we have been in unremitting revolt against the ignorant
+propensity which ordains, in effect, that "The Green Pastures" should never
+have been written; the idiot attitude which compelled Arthur Kober to abandon
+his delightful Bella Gross, and Octavius Roy Cohen to quit writing about the
+splendiferous Florian Slappey; the moronic frame of mind which, if carried
+to its logical end, would have forbidden Ring Lardner from writing in the
+language of the masses.
+ -- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
+
+ ... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy of The
+Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words: we believe in
+healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if
+needs be.
+ Needs be.
+ -- H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+DB= fortunes freebsd-tips murphy startrek zippy
+
+# TO AVOID INSTALLING THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, COMMENT OUT THE
+# NEXT LINE.
+DB+= limerick murphy-o gerrold.limerick
+
+BLDS= ${DB:S/$/.dat/}
+FILES= ${DB} ${BLDS}
+CLEANFILES+=${BLDS}
+
+FILESDIR= ${SHAREDIR}/games/fortune
+
+.for f in ${DB}
+$f.dat: $f
+ PATH=$$PATH:/usr/bin:${.OBJDIR}/../strfile \
+ strfile -Cs ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET}
+.endfor
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+This fortune brought to you by:
+$FreeBSD$
+%
+=======================================================================
+|| ||
+|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
+|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
+|| ||
+=======================================================================
+ Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
+ "Fortune Cookie"
+ Directed by Steven Spielberg.
+ Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando
+ Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers
+ and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
+ Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
+ Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
+ Read the Warner paperback!
+ Invoke the Unix program!
+ Soundtrack on XTC Records.
+ In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
+ centers.
+%
+ FROM THE DESK OF
+ Dorothy Gale
+
+ Auntie Em:
+ Hate you.
+ Hate Kansas.
+ Taking the dog.
+ Dorothy
+%
+ FROM THE DESK OF
+ Rapunzel
+
+Dear Prince:
+
+ Use ladder tonight --
+ you're splitting my ends.
+%
+ SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT
+
+Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible?
+Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth
+
+ ABSTRACT
+ Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying
+the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem
+of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas
+of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi-
+bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size
+pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that
+there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program
+to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable
+functions.
+ This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar.
+This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues.
+ Refreshments will be served. Music will be played.
+%
+ UNIX Trix
+
+For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
+save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your
+next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
+to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they
+forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
+the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
+either. If you need some help, give us a call.
+
+ -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
+%
+ 1/2
+ 12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4 2
+ ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0
+ 7
+
+A dozen, a gross and a score,
+Plus three times the square root of four,
+ Divided by seven,
+ Plus five times eleven,
+Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
+%
+ -- Gifts for Children --
+
+This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
+because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
+and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
+morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
+exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
+your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
+Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
+might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
+me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
+who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+ -- Gifts for Men --
+
+Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
+ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
+should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
+clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
+example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
+three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
+that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
+at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
+So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
+years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
+pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
+
+If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
+than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
+of tires.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+ Chapter 1
+
+The story so far:
+
+ In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
+of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
+%
+ DELETE A FORTUNE!
+
+Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
+to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
+"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
+gets expunged.
+%
+ Get GUMMed
+ --- ------
+The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
+1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
+the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
+each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
+chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
+nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
+days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
+seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
+friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
+Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
+"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
+Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
+all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
+could tell them.
+ -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
+%
+ Has your family tried 'em?
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
+
+ They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons
+ the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of
+ the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark
+ stains that indicate freshness.
+%
+ It's grad exam time...
+COMPUTER SCIENCE
+ Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
+system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
+this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
+bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
+new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
+
+MATHEMATICS
+ If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
+it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
+length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
+
+GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
+Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
+%
+ It's grad exam time...
+MEDICINE
+ You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
+bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has
+been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
+
+HISTORY
+ Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
+day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
+economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
+Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
+
+BIOLOGY
+ Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
+if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
+special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+10: Potholes are
+ a) extremely dangerous.
+ b) patriotic.
+ c) the fault of the previous administration.
+ d) all going to be fixed next summer.
+The correct answer is b.
+Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes
+are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car
+you have nothing to worry about.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+2: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should
+ a) stop immediately.
+ b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
+ c) blow the horn.
+ d) floor it.
+The correct answer is d.
+If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+3: When stopped at an intersection you should
+ a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
+ b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
+ c) blow the horn.
+ d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.
+The correct answer is d.
+You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting
+street turns yellow.
+Answer c is worth a half point.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+4: Exhaust gas is
+ a) beneficial.
+ b) not harmful.
+ c) toxic.
+ d) a punk band.
+The correct answer is b.
+The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise
+are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where
+you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.)
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+5: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.
+ How often should you test it?
+ a) once a year.
+ b) once a month.
+ c) once a day.
+ d) once an hour.
+The correct answer is d.
+You should test your car's horn at least once every hour,
+and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+7: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
+ but a steady left tail light. This means
+ a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your
+ horn to call the problem to the driver's attention.
+ b) The driver is signaling a right turn.
+ c) The driver is signaling a left turn.
+ d) The driver is from out of town.
+The correct answer is d.
+Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+8: Pedestrians are
+ a) irrelevant.
+ b) communists.
+ c) a nuisance.
+ d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
+The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they
+are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them
+completely.
+%
+ Pittsburgh driver's test
+9: Roads are salted in order to
+ a) kill grass.
+ b) melt snow.
+ c) help the economy.
+ d) prevent potholes.
+The correct answer is c.
+Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more
+indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important,
+salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and
+steel industries.
+%
+ THE STORY OF CREATION
+ or
+ THE MYTH OF URK
+
+In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
+and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
+was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
+registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
+and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
+Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
+and there was morning, one interrupt ...
+ -- Rico Tudor
+%
+ JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
+ by Mark Isaak
+
+ Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
+character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
+hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
+are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
+BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
+to him.
+ So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
+he met the traveling salesman.
+ "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
+in high-level language.
+ "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
+and Apples," commented Jack.
+ "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
+there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
+ Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
+he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
+started thrashing.
+ "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
+kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
+window ...
+%
+ Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
+
+(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
+(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
+(3) I don't know.
+(4) Who cares?
+(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
+ Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
+(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
+ book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
+ bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
+ Papyrus Books).
+%
+ DETERIORATA
+
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
+And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
+Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
+Rotate your tires.
+Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
+And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
+Know what to kiss -- and when.
+Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
+But that three do.
+Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
+Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
+And despite the changing fortunes of time,
+There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
+
+ You are a fluke of the universe ...
+ You have no right to be here.
+ Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
+ Is laughing behind your back.
+ -- National Lampoon
+%
+ Double Bucky
+ (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
+
+Double bucky, you're the one!
+You make my keyboard lots of fun
+ Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
+(Vo-vo-de-o!)
+Control and Meta side by side,
+Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
+ Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
+
+Double bucky, left and right
+OR'd together, outta sight!
+ Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
+ Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
+ Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
+ -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978
+ (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
+ be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
+ by screen editors.)
+%
+ Hard Copies and Chmod
+
+And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
+cold diskdrives hardware monitors
+user-hostile software
+
+of course they're only bits and bytes
+and characters and strings
+and files
+
+just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
+telling me he loves me and
+he'll take care of me
+
+simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory
+deep intimate secrets and
+how he doesn't trust me
+
+couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould
+on personal stationery
+ -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu
+%
+ `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
+Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
+margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
+will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
+
+ 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
+neither has street credibility.
+ 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting
+on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner
+city.
+ 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked
+into a black hole.
+ 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist
+ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult.
+ 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics.
+ 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing
+up of western dualism?
+ 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss.
+%
+ OUTCONERR
+Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
+ Did logzerneg the ifthen block
+All kludgy were the function flows
+ And subroutines adhoc.
+
+Beware the runtime-bug my friend
+ squrooneg, the false goto
+Beware the infiniteloop
+ And shun the inprectoo.
+%
+ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a
+ nuclear bomb, use the stairs.
+2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll
+ when you hit the ground.
+3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
+4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead
+ to psychological problems.
+5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize
+ foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes,
+ shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
+6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs
+ will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
+7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.
+8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be
+ staggering illegally.
+9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more
+ sanitary due to limited circulation.
+10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short
+ supply on D-Day.
+%
+ The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
+The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
+in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an
+Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
+fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
+Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
+target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
+If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
+computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
+through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
+to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
+for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
+take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
+into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
+computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
+they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
+Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
+a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
+ -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
+%
+ The STAR WARS Song
+ Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
+
+I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+ S-O-D-A soda
+I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
+I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
+ Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+
+Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
+A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
+How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+%
+ The Three Major Kind of Tools
+
+* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
+ jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
+ manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
+ bludgeons, and truncheons.)
+
+* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
+
+* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
+ greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
+ (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
+ any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
+Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
+Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
+Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+And we've also found Just flip one switch
+When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
+You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
+ in a flash.
+Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
+Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
+And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
+%
+ 'Twas the Night before Crisis
+
+'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
+ Not a program was working not even a browse.
+The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
+ Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
+The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
+ While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
+When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
+ I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
+And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
+ But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
+More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
+ And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
+On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
+ On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
+His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
+ From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
+A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
+ Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
+%
+ What I Did During My Fall Semester
+On the first day of my fall semester, I got up.
+Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
+Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
+
+On the second day of my fall semester, I got up.
+Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
+Then I hung out in front of the Dover.
+
+On the third day of my fall semester, I got up.
+Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic.
+I found a thesis topic:
+ How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover.
+ -- Sister Mary Elephant,
+ "Student Statement for Black Friday"
+%
+ William Safire's Rules for Writers:
+
+Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
+be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to
+agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
+out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
+of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
+not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
+conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
+sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
+close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
+words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
+must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
+linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
+metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
+be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
+writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
+the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
+viable alternatives.
+%
+ 1/3
+ /\(3)
+ | 2 1/3
+ | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
+ |
+ \/ 1
+
+The integral of z squared, dz
+From 1 to the cube root of 3
+ Times the cosine
+ Of 3 PI over nine
+Is the log of the cube root of e
+%
+ THE DAILY PLANET
+
+ SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
+ Plans to "Eat it later"
+%
+ *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***
+
+Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
+terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
+the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
+School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
+They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
+With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
+and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language
+in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
+computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
+you should blame when you make a mistake.
+
+ Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
+ I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
+ postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)
+
+*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. ***
+%
+ A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
+ by Mark Twain
+
+ For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
+to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
+be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
+would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
+might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
+same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
+"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
+ Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
+with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
+or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
+Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
+ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
+ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
+ Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
+hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
+%
+ *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
+Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
+terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
+the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
+School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
+
+ *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
+Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
+help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
+enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.
+
+ *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
+To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
+try this simple test:
+ 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
+ of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
+ 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
+ 3: What is the state capital of Idaho?
+If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
+them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
+%
+ *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***
+
+Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
+programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized
+form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
+winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I
+sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
+Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
+program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he
+was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
+his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
+have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains
+in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
+be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
+can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate
+yourself in the morning.
+%
+
+\a\a\a\a *** System shutdown message from root ***
+
+System going down in 60 seconds
+
+
+%
+ ... This striving for excellence extends into people's
+personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the
+best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability.
+Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking
+soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a
+reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their
+table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is
+not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous
+crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their
+beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant
+wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of
+Liza Minnelli.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+ ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
+%
+ 7,140 pounds on the Sun
+ 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars
+ 255 pounds on Earth
+ 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus
+ 43 pounds on the Moon
+ 648 pounds on Jupiter
+ 275 pounds on Saturn
+ 303 pounds on Neptune
+ 13 pounds on Pluto
+
+ -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places
+ in the solar system.
+%
+ A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of
+the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
+the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to
+another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
+and forth.
+ "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
+of carp-to-carp walleting."
+%
+ A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
+the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
+missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
+his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
+work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
+flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.
+ At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
+events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
+dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
+"Have you seen my parakeet?"
+%
+ A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when
+a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the
+foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I
+have what I think is a pretty good act."
+ The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
+the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
+Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
+his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
+man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
+performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
+from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
+the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
+ "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?"
+ "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
+imitations?"
+%
+ A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
+long-distance caw.
+%
+ A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
+his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
+the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
+ Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
+toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
+%
+ A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
+whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
+got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
+medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
+rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
+ The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
+itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
+and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
+ The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
+commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
+%
+ A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
+his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
+%
+ A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
+house of seven gobbles.
+%
+ A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
+her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
+looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
+sadly, "runneth over."
+%
+ A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
+After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
+one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
+the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
+ "What do you think?" said the first ranger.
+ "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
+%
+ A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
+finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
+the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
+%
+ A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your
+book The Martian Chronicles?"
+ I said, "Yes?"
+ He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the
+East?"
+ I said, "Yes?"
+ He said "No." -- So I hit him.
+ -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
+%
+ A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
+days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
+%
+ A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
+ The housewife replied, "Four!".
+ The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
+through my spread sheet one more time."
+ The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
+hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
+%
+ A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
+made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
+would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the
+lawyer.
+ "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
+state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However,
+I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay."
+ "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
+ "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
+and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
+%
+ A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
+the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
+ The bartender ignores him.
+ "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
+ Still ignored.
+ "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
+ The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
+leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
+ Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
+jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
+saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
+"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
+%
+ A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points
+to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
+ When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
+and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
+French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird
+and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
+German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
+ Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is
+told, "that one is 150,000."
+ "Why, what can it do?" he asks.
+ "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
+do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
+ -- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+ A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
+Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the
+wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
+ "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
+pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
+disciples."
+ Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
+%
+ A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
+first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
+ "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
+and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
+ "But the collar is up around my ears!"
+ "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
+little more ... that's it."
+ "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
+ "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
+go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
+ So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
+street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
+ "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
+ "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
+shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
+that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
+soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
+ The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
+agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
+Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
+-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
+knife!
+ Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
+afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
+he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
+for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
+help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
+ Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
+ "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
+won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
+%
+ A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
+during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
+was making a bolt for the door.
+%
+ A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
+"Do you serve lawyers here?".
+ "Sure do," replied the bartender.
+ "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
+my 'gator."
+%
+ A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
+wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
+%
+ A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
+%
+ A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
+program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
+promptly replied.
+ "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
+how long will it take?"
+ The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
+to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
+ "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
+satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
+ The programmer agreed to this.
+ Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his
+retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
+He had been programming all night.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
+invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the
+manager retained his job.
+ The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
+refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting
+concept, and thus I expect no reward."
+ The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
+holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an
+employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!"
+ But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
+so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste
+everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
+work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
+at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several
+resigned on the spot.
+ So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
+working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
+programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
+hours of the morning.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
+document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will
+it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?"
+ "It will take one year," said the master promptly.
+ "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
+take it I assign ten programmers to it?"
+ The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."
+ "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"
+ The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
+completed," he said.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
+noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me",
+he said, "may I examine it?"
+ The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master.
+"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
+and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play,
+where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the
+human."
+ "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
+mysterious setting?"
+ The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
+And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
+"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
+said the master.
+ "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
+ "It is," came the reply.
+ "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
+ "It is even in a video game," said the master.
+ "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
+ The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
+over for today," he said.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A MODERN FABLE
+
+Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
+far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
+with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
+today's minute attention span.
+
+ The Troubled Aardvark
+
+Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
+driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
+in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
+unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled
+children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
+his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
+pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
+personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
+wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
+course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
+drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
+
+MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
+ -- Tom Annau
+%
+ A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
+new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
+%
+ A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
+the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
+pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
+nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
+ "If what?" asked the composer.
+ "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+%
+ A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
+removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
+doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
+amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
+limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
+larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
+power-down sequence.
+ An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
+building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
+bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
+cool.
+%
+ A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
+documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of
+the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"
+ The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has
+gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
+crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the
+need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He
+has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within
+themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has
+entered the mystery of the Tao."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
+sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
+baffled. What is the reason for this?"
+ The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
+the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
+do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
+simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
+ The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
+Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
+ "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
+novice.
+ "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
+much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant
+among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
+Why is this so?"
+ The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
+company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody
+would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
+servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
+of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
+that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with
+vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
+'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new
+names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an
+unnatural entity exist?"
+ The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
+disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from
+its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
+beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
+package.
+ The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
+reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
+of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
+but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
+ When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
+"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
+power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
+"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
+of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The
+machine worked.
+%
+ "A penny for your thoughts?"
+ "A dollar for your death."
+ -- The Odd Couple
+%
+ A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
+in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
+noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
+ The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
+party. He walked out into the night.
+ The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
+be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
+too.
+ The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
+to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
+save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
+the wolf pack.
+ At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
+He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
+has killed them all.
+ The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
+went out to be killed?
+ The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
+He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
+%
+ A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
+strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
+throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
+loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
+rigidity.
+ A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment." What is this
+law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
+way that astonishes him least.
+ A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
+program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
+appearances.
+ If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
+disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
+program.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
+conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
+of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were
+unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
+clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they
+made rude noises during my presentation."
+ The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
+Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd,
+an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations.
+Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother
+with social conventions?"
+ "They are alive within the Tao."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all
+these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"
+ "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the
+jerks."
+%
+ A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
+carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
+doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
+ Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
+which contained twelve more loons.
+ "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
+ "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
+ "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?"
+ "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
+%
+ A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
+recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
+his wellness potential."
+
+ Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
+of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
+
+ A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
+personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
+
+ At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
+mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
+
+ After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
+of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
+only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
+of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
+unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
+touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
+experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
+pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
+sent him.
+ -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
+%
+ A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator,
+"This is a parson to parson call."
+ A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free
+Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
+ Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great
+deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is.
+ Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family
+often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
+ The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was
+caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
+ A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for
+granite.
+%
+ A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
+As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
+eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
+under the kilt?"
+ He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
+SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
+really want to know.
+ The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
+under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
+%
+ A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
+realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't
+see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
+group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing
+that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
+it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
+ I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical
+work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
+Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
+dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
+another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
+the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor
+requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
+going to it is so large.
+ Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas
+electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
+British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
+British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
+I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
+secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
+ -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
+%
+ A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
+Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star.
+ A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best
+friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she
+had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today
+and I've been telling it to the Maureens."
+ Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene
+from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed
+Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille."
+%
+ "...A strange enigma is man!"
+ "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
+ "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked
+that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
+becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what
+any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
+will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says
+the statistician."
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
+%
+ A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
+%
+ A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
+to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
+sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
+"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
+Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
+ "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
+ "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
+a snake?"
+ "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
+am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
+suck the poison from the wound."
+ "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
+a rattler?" persisted the woman.
+ "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
+who my real friends are."
+%
+ A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
+little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
+save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
+%
+ A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride
+and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
+child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech
+therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused
+to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
+the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
+his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
+ The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son,
+after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
+ Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
+%
+ ACHTUNG!!!
+Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
+schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
+spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
+rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
+vatch das blinkenlights!!!
+%
+ After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
+Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
+and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
+to be created."
+ "This is true," He replied.
+ "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
+ "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
+right to make his laws?"
+ "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
+make his own."
+ It was so granted.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+ After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
+directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
+Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
+edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
+ "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more
+wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious."
+ -- DECWARS
+%
+ After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in
+ the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they
+would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his
+favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
+camp chores.
+ The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
+ as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
+discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
+children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
+Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
+ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
+ "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
+Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly
+interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for
+a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
+cattle. We shall bury him in it."
+ Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?"
+ Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
+ "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
+realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
+ -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
+ Feghoot!"
+%
+ All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and
+how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
+graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
+These are the things I learned:
+ Share everything.
+ Play fair.
+ Don't hit people.
+ Put things back where you found them.
+ Clean up your own mess.
+ Don't take things that aren't yours.
+ Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
+ Wash your hands before you eat.
+ Flush.
+ Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
+ Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and
+paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
+ Take a nap every afternoon.
+ When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands,
+and stick together.
+ Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam
+cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows
+how or why, but we are all like that.
+ Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in
+the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we.
+ And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you
+learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
+ Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden
+Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality
+and sane living.
+ [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the
+whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
+and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments
+had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them
+and to clean up their own mess.
+ And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go
+out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
+ -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know
+ I Learned in Kindergarten"
+%
+ All that you touch, And all you create,
+ All that you see, And all you destroy,
+ All that you taste, All that you do,
+ All you feel, And all you say,
+ And all that you love, All that you eat,
+ And all that you hate, And everyone you meet,
+ All you distrust, All that you slight,
+ All you save, And everyone you fight,
+ And all that you give, And all that is now,
+ And all that you deal, And all that is gone,
+ All that you buy, And all that's to come,
+ Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is
+ in tune,
+ But the sun is eclipsed
+ By the moon.
+
+There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
+ -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
+%
+ America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
+with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
+years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
+or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
+wife. They approve.
+ The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
+want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
+thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
+the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
+ Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
+to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
+up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
+Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
+perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
+impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
+the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
+screams: "Anybody got a match?"
+%
+ An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
+time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they
+had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
+teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
+%
+ An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
+he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
+restraint.
+ As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment
+after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next
+time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect,
+with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems,
+is ready to build a second system.
+ This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When
+he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each
+other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences
+will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not
+generalizable.
+ The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
+the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
+The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
+%
+ An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
+is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
+announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
+ "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
+all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
+piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!"
+ Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
+"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an
+outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
+this head and pulls the trigger.
+ The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
+again?"
+ "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets."
+ -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
+%
+ An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
+The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
+to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be
+used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be
+woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up
+and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched
+over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people,
+and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
+ The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
+while plunging the knife into his heart.
+ The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
+"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
+ The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
+while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
+%
+ An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
+in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
+ "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
+you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
+an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
+hour seems like a minute."
+ The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
+moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a
+great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures.
+I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment.
+I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but
+I have not been enlightened. What should I do?"
+ Otis replied, "Give up suffering."
+ -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+ "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
+asked the father of his little son.
+ "Diet."
+%
+ "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully.
+ "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding
+someone qualified who is willing to accept the post."
+ "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I
+can at least make a decision."
+ "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic
+young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most
+up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind."
+ -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly"
+%
+ "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
+ "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
+ "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
+ "That was the curious incident."
+ -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
+%
+ Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen
+preaching to a group of disciples.
+ "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating
+the absolute reality of --"
+ "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!"
+ Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he
+vaporized.
+ On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued
+with the spirit of the morning.
+ "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks,
+"Thou art That..."
+ "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!"
+ Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk,
+and he vaporized.
+ Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our
+enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow
+soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?"
+ "US?" snapped Hakuin.
+ Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the
+Governor, and he vaporized.
+ Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with
+his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!"
+%
+ "Are you police officers?"
+ "No, ma'am. We're musicians."
+ -- The Blues Brothers
+%
+ "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
+ "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+ As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
+for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I
+am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab
+you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
+friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
+ "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better*
+for doing it."
+ -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
+%
+ At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from
+Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
+under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
+%
+ Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
+took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
+followers.
+ One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
+there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
+ "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
+commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
+Purpose in Life, anyway?"
+ Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
+Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
+ Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
+ Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
+ -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+ "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
+and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full
+of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
+by their ignorance the hard way."
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"
+%
+ Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November,
+and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the
+boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't
+look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier.
+ By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his
+teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to
+the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do".
+ Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now,
+Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now
+what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your
+clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all
+get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up.
+You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die."
+ Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the
+pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered.
+ "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die."
+%
+ "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
+ "Tell 'em I lied."
+%
+ By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in
+the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were
+still five feet between rails.
+ It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard,
+in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May
+of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the
+axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which
+could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set,
+great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one
+rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its
+new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate
+over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere
+was possible.
+ -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957
+%
+ Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
+along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
+Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
+ Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
+would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
+ Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
+to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
+ Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
+I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
+ Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
+whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
+ Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
+it some other time, Carrie."
+ She gave it up.
+ -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
+%
+ Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
+the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
+"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
+%
+ Chapter VIII
+Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
+Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
+like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
+%
+ "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which
+way I ought to go from here?"
+ "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said
+the Cat.
+ "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
+ "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+ Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
+in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
+owls."
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ COONDOG MEMORY
+ (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago)
+
+Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as
+old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot.
+For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and
+is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to
+try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made
+two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set
+back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods,
+come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air,
+run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had
+something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them
+up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my
+neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she
+stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my
+coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon
+skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up.
+Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow
+was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the
+air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the
+Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog
+is for sale.
+ -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly
+%
+ Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
+functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
+the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
+ However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
+diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
+square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
+date of purchase.
+ NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
+DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
+ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
+CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
+ -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
+%
+ Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
+
+ Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
+ Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
+ Sept 28 Blind Academy
+ Sept 30 World War I Veterans
+ Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
+ Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
+ Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
+ Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
+ Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
+ Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
+%
+ Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
+ Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
+ Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
+ Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
+
+ Don't we know archaic barrel,
+ Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
+ Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
+ Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
+ -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie"
+%
+ "Do you think there's a God?"
+ "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"
+ -- Calvin and Hobbs
+%
+ Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
+white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
+
+Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
+
+p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns?
+ Or is Vaseline better?
+%
+ "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
+sincerely, extremely dangerously.
+ They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
+They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
+intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
+They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
+used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
+bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
+They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
+They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
+ -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
+%
+ "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?"
+ "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
+ "Well, I've never done anything illegal before."
+ "... I thought you said you were an accountant."
+%
+ Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether
+at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or
+"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such
+experiences today. Here is his account of what happened:
+ "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination
+to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the
+thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal
+march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a
+sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment.
+The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all
+human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has
+sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth
+all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the
+knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered
+my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling
+characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness.
+The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder):
+`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'"
+ -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs
+%
+ During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had
+him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
+ In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher.
+She's a woman who conks to stupor.
+ Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
+man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
+ It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
+ It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
+bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
+%
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
+were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
+red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
+"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
+ "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
+shot at mine, over there."
+%
+ Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
+called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
+have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
+most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
+time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
+have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
+although God alone knows why it would want to.
+ The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
+direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
+have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
+direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
+harmful electron buildup in the wires.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times.
+At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly
+after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
+"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
+charming a wife."
+%
+ Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
+far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
+the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
+ It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
+days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
+ There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
+speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
+ The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
+and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
+sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
+ Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to
+be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older
+than I am.
+ I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
+that she didn't recognize me.
+ I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
+this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now,
+they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
+ Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
+%
+ Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
+mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
+"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
+how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
+"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
+So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+ Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the
+humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
+rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
+seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
+The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
+ "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
+aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
+but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
+ "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
+message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this,
+but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
+energy policy and neither do you."
+ -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
+%
+ "Fantasies are free."
+ "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
+%
+ Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
+other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
+the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
+d'oeuvres.
+ Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
+to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
+Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
+piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
+ Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
+inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
+other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
+placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
+the little hammers strike.
+ Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
+their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
+Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
+
+ You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
+you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
+4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
+%
+ "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
+of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
+
+ "Whose?"
+
+ "MINE! HA-HA!"
+%
+ "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly:
+"of course you know what `it' means."
+
+ "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing,"
+said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.
+
+The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
+%
+ Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance.
+"What happened?"
+ "I was struck by the beauty of the place."
+%
+ "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
+extracurricular activity except you."
+ "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
+ "Only to ten, Mudhead."
+ -- The Firesign Theatre
+%
+ Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
+ Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
+to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
+ The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
+text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
+ Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
+the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
+expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
+ Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
+perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
+denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.
+
+ Thank you and good luck.
+ -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
+%
+ GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
+
+On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
+Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
+off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
+wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
+mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
+tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
+stood lookout.
+%
+ Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
+may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
+Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others,
+even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and
+aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
+ If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
+for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
+Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
+hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
+ Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
+bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
+for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for
+proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical
+about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
+ Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass
+them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield
+you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings
+-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the
+Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
+ Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
+can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
+line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive
+to stay employed.
+ -- Technolorata, "Analog"
+%
+ "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
+his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
+verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
+thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
+had actually implicationed.
+ "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
+leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
+since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
+ -- The Guardian
+%
+ Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You
+are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
+and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking
+to conquer the world.
+ Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
+hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao
+lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does
+not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune,
+for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
+ Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
+ "Yes; I don't have one."
+ "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
+ -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
+%
+ "Have you lived here all your life?"
+ "Oh, twice that long."
+%
+ "Hawk, we're going to die."
+ "Never say die... and certainly never say we."
+ -- M*A*S*H
+%
+ He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought
+until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to
+heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and
+ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had
+rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor
+felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the
+doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him.
+"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will
+right now."
+ "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing
+out a list of people I'm going to bite!"
+%
+ ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither
+does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
+combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
+self-propagating.
+ -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
+%
+ He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without
+lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light
+without darkening me.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas
+%
+ "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
+ "Whattaya need?"
+ "Oh, about $500."
+ "Whattaya got for collateral?"
+ "Whattaya need?"
+ "How about an eye?"
+ -- Sam Giancana
+%
+ "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference
+between amd64 and ia64."
+ "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd
+know the difference then."
+ -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture
+%
+ Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
+willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
+for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
+"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
+centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
+trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
+because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
+object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
+ Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
+broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
+a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
+inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
+same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
+an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
+these sometime around the middle of next week".
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
+of her blonde companion.
+ "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
+ "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?"
+ "Olives."
+%
+ "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why
+were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
+ "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
+replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
+you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
+deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
+second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
+in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
+licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
+examined his claws.
+ "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
+hers and not my own, not ever again."
+ -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
+ "How many people work here?"
+ "Oh, about half."
+%
+ How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
+3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who
+could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.
+ -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
+%
+ "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy
+social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche
+full of money before."
+%
+ Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
+misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
+the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
+see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
+background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
+uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
+cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
+remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
+line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
+The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
+ -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
+%
+ "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
+quavering voice.
+ "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
+course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
+I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
+Elven-lore:
+
+ "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
+ Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
+ Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
+ This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
+ The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
+ The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
+ If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
+ If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is
+the sky blue?"
+ HE asked me about black holes in space.
+ (There's a hole *where*?)
+
+ I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?"
+ HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains.
+ (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...)
+
+ I talked about Choo-Choo trains.
+ HE talked internal combustion engines.
+ (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.")
+
+ I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete
+as equals.
+ HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create
+the graphics.
+
+ Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence.
+ HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women."
+ (Gotcha!)
+ -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child"
+%
+ I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because we
+use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads to
+violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, in traffic,
+is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had time to think
+of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library, we could call
+each other up:
+ You: Hello? Bob?
+ Bob: Yes?
+ You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
+ took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
+ Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
+ You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
+ "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
+ I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
+ and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
+ the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
+ have to get back to you.
+ Bob: Fine.
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+ "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
+ Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
+till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
+you!'"
+ "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
+objected.
+ "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
+tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
+less."
+ "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
+so many different things."
+ "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
+that's all."
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+ I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
+accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
+the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
+can't be measured in monetary terms.
+ Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to
+have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
+by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
+should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
+understand his long delay.
+%
+ I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
+I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?"
+ He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later
+the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.
+ I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I
+want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his
+shack in the desert.
+ Then the phone rang. He said "You get it."
+ I picked it up and said "Hello?"
+ The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?"
+ I said "Yes..."
+ The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from
+your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the
+university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
+loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?"
+ I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all
+of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...
+and I would appreciate it you never called me again."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+ "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me.
+I think very probably he might be cured."
+ "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob.
+ "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor.
+ The elders murmured assent.
+ "Now, what affects it?"
+ "Ah!" said old Yacob.
+ "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer
+things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
+depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
+as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
+his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
+irritation and distraction."
+ "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
+ "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
+to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical
+operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies."
+ "And then he will be sane?"
+ "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen."
+ "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob.
+ -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind"
+%
+ "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
+ "Did you ever see a doctor?"
+ "No, just spots."
+%
+ I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
+of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use
+of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
+as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
+"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
+at present".
+ When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
+myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
+immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
+observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
+but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
+ I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
+conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
+proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
+I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
+prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
+happened to be in the right.
+ -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
+%
+ I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked
+me to cry.
+ This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
+to weep."
+ I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
+back; I would be nice."
+ Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
+ "Oh, not enough."
+ "Nobody can give anybody enough."
+ "Not ever?"
+ "No, not ever. But one must go on trying."
+ "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
+ "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
+valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
+ -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"
+%
+ I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and
+asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged.
+That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten
+over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two
+arrests.
+ "Not a very impressive record," I offered.
+ "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what
+these complaints represent?"
+ "What do they represent?" I asked.
+ "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly,
+closing the book.
+ -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
+%
+ [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
+including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
+as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
+ Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
+of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
+and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow.
+My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence,
+when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers
+into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields,
+pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving
+into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may
+explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every
+time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally
+deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists.
+%
+ "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
+that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
+more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
+might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
+otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
+otherwise.'"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+ I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
+ He said, "What you need is to grow up, son."
+ I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and
+to me that don't sound like much fun.
+ -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
+%
+ "I suppose you expect me to talk."
+ "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die."
+ -- Goldfinger
+%
+ "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
+ "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of
+dairy products."
+ -- The Life of Brian
+%
+ "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
+ "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
+%
+ If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
+ On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
+that is also a psychological interaction.
+ The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
+so friendly.
+ The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
+ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+ If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
+operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler
+is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then
+the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
+ The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
+to the assembler.
+ The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
+languages.
+ Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
+expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within
+the tao.
+ But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it.
+%
+ If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
+everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
+we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
+ Both those things sound pretty good to me.
+ -- Sparky Anderson
+%
+ If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
+brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
+up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
+repeat the sequence.
+ You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
+hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
+again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
+your own apartment?
+ -- William S. Burroughs
+%
+ If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
+around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
+explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
+"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
+deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
+better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
+with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
+you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
+successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
+ And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
+You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
+difficult can it be?"
+ Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
+which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
+other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
+yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing
+means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is
+somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all."
+ "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
+them, or something?"
+ "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was
+lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
+not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
+ "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
+ "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service
+you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
+it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings
+would destroy the whole point of it."
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
+%
+ I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the
+right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document
+library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I
+should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it
+was by the time I find it.
+ I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe
+"The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except
+that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder
+pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left
+blank."
+ -- Alex Crain
+%
+ "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after
+badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel."
+ "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home
+under my arm."
+%
+ In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
+Junior, what are you up to?"
+ "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
+rabbit.
+ "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one
+will publish such rubbish!"
+ "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
+ They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
+rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a
+wolf. "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
+ "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
+wolves."
+ "Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
+ "Come with me and I'll show you."
+ As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
+and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
+and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
+lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
+remnants of the wolf and the fox.
+
+ The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
+important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
+%
+ In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to
+his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
+kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
+was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
+Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
+Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
+of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
+and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
+out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
+to product."
+ According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
+10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
+lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
+pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
+been an efficiency expert?
+ -- Motor Trend, May 1983
+%
+ In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and
+null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
+IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
+be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
+carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
+the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
+evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
+ -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
+%
+ In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
+the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
+large numbers and prospered.
+ One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
+as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
+was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ...
+until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox.
+ The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
+structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed
+out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when
+they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not
+understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought
+amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the
+Topologists remain the original Mathematicians.
+ -- The Story of Babel
+%
+ In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time.
+Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming.
+
+ Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of
+time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always
+have enough time and space to accomplish their goals.
+ How could it be otherwise?
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
+sat hacking at the PDP-6.
+ "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
+ "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
+ "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
+ "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
+ At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
+you close your eyes?"
+ "So that the room will be empty."
+ At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
+%
+ In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
+changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this
+bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters.
+This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull
+making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with
+the blue sky at its back, returns home.
+ The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
+it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears
+its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he
+does not know that the bird has come and gone.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
+to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
+like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
+baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
+Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has
+achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
+right any day."
+ "And are you?"
+ "No. That's where it all falls down, of course."
+ "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good
+life-style otherwise."
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+ "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?"
+ "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time."
+ "The dog did nothing in the night-time."
+ "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes.
+%
+ It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden
+directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
+During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
+Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
+enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
+sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
+custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
+freedom and games to the network...
+ -- DECWARS
+%
+ It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and
+by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate
+the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the
+case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations
+which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are
+like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they
+require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments.
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+ It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
+not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
+because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
+human beings.
+ The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
+there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
+duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
+of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
+you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
+and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
+ Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
+to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
+response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
+ Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
+have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
+different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
+person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
+remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
+religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
+ -- Playboy, January, 1983
+%
+ It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
+for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
+change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the
+ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
+after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
+starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes
+a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind
+his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
+he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
+passengers.
+ One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
+a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
+parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
+to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
+As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
+the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
+"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
+%
+ It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
+balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George
+turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We
+need to find out where we are."
+ Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
+cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
+standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me
+where we are?"
+ The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
+fifty feet in the air!"
+ George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
+ Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
+ "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
+useless!"
+
+That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
+George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
+New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
+%
+ It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,
+everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
+was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
+cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
+ There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
+really needed in the first place.
+ I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
+analogous to the above.
+ -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
+%
+ It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
+laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
+thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
+nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
+for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
+ Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
+under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
+icepacks.
+ -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ "It's a summons."
+ "What's a summons?"
+ "It means summon's in trouble."
+ -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
+%
+ "It's today!" said Piglet.
+ "My favorite day," said Pooh.
+%
+ Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
+been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
+ "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag
+when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
+Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is
+it always me, teacher?"
+ "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
+explains.
+
+ -- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+ Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
+lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always
+getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
+the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
+sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
+you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
+What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
+of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
+the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
+They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
+applications for.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+ Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
+tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people
+and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the
+outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
+caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
+day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
+ Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker?
+What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
+start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
+Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior
+class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
+movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the
+police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go
+home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
+now. They're in a band.
+ -- Ira Kaplan
+%
+ Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is.
+Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh?
+ Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak
+dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a
+dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us
+away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of
+the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the
+other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck
+out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come
+back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live
+forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld.
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+ Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
+into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
+galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!"
+ Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over
+eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
+rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
+the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
+ The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
+guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as
+the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
+smacked his lips with relish.
+ "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
+ "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
+a-comin'."
+%
+ Love's Drug
+
+My love is like an iron wand
+ That conks me on the head,
+My love is like the valium
+ That I take before my bed,
+My love is like the pint of scotch
+ That I drink when I be dry;
+And I shall love thee still, my dear,
+ Until my wife is wise.
+%
+ "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."
+ "What about X?"
+ "I said `intellectual'."
+ ;login, 9/1990
+%
+ Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
+Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
+%
+ "Mind if I smoke?"
+ "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
+%
+ "Mind if I smoke?"
+ "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
+%
+ Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all
+the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
+ Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
+ -- Spike Milligan
+%
+ Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
+approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
+ "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
+to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
+All I have in the world is this gun."
+%
+ Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
+Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
+company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
+defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
+ The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
+plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
+cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
+ -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
+%
+ Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
+Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
+pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
+military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
+Esther and hustle them off to prison.
+ They can't prove who they are because they've left their
+passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
+and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
+movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
+charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
+ The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
+they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
+if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
+her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
+possible, and turns to Murray.
+ "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
+spits in the sergeants face.
+ "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as
+Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
+We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
+Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
+6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
+6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
+was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
+and Knights of Pithiests.
+ The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
+annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
+which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
+weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
+ One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
+pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
+word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
+embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are
+looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
+ We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
+So we're going back in a few years...
+ -- Julius H. Marx
+%
+ "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?"
+ "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo."
+%
+ My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or
+even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be
+understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of
+robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as
+an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on
+the alter of human limitations.
+ I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often
+in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown
+the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had
+threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal
+stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central
+earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the
+Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the
+earth really does revolve about the sun.
+ -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
+%
+ NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of
+directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip
+Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the
+offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the
+true value of the company.
+ Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story.
+Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover
+agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of
+their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to
+reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to
+reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of
+Nazareth.
+%
+ "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
+simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't
+hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process
+really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to
+expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were
+those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I
+can't."
+ "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand."
+ -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
+%
+ Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
+ He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
+ "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
+"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
+born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
+program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
+stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
+a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
+times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
+*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
+program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
+the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
+stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
+hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
+"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
+%
+ Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
+tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
+ Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
+plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
+they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
+Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
+administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
+you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
+described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
+interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
+that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
+ This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
+inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
+so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
+if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
+direct sunlight.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
+to be avoided than harped upon.
+ Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
+reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
+just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
+about helping to postpone this reunion.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
+%
+ "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
+of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
+urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
+put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll
+confirm who I am.
+ "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
+ -- Captain Freedom
+%
+ Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
+demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
+testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
+and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
+no attention to the signal.
+ The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
+complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
+"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
+ "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
+lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
+%
+ On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
+receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
+income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
+$283 on the desk before the cashier.
+ "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
+route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
+ "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
+business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
+worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
+%
+ On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping
+around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a
+grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one
+almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe
+found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe,
+desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and
+staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar.
+Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe,
+sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law
+being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces.
+ "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the
+wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
+ With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and
+dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
+normal person?"
+%
+ On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
+There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
+is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
+non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
+several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
+best, write it down and make that the standard.
+ The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions
+from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
+committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
+with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
+something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
+ So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
+then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
+it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
+after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
+committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
+it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
+ -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
+%
+ On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
+tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
+they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw
+it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
+at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines,
+heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said,
+"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking.
+ What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
+she looked like the side of a barn.
+ I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it
+had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
+and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
+when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had
+to decide quickly. I decided.
+ A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
+man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me
+faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
+me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a
+good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that
+the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
+a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
+ -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
+%
+ Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very
+special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old
+traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We
+traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we
+see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same
+spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after
+week, until it led them to a parking space.
+ We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to
+let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars
+will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way
+great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow
+our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning
+to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car,
+which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our
+shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and
+go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion
+and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot
+ Skirmish"
+%
+ Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
+crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
+and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
+resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature
+said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall
+let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
+ The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current
+you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
+die quicker than boredom!"
+ But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
+once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time,
+as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
+bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
+ And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
+a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come
+to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
+Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
+Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
+ But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
+rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
+ -- Richard Bach
+%
+ Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his
+time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day,
+in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make
+dolphins live forever!
+ Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass
+produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was
+only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried
+away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and
+steal one of these birds.
+ Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was
+escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began
+combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down
+on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep.
+ Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his
+bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he
+stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
+car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
+transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
+%
+ Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
+through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
+on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
+frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
+I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
+a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
+ "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to
+help you break such a spell."
+ "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
+taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
+the night under her pillow."
+ The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
+pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure
+enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
+royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
+her father and mother still don't believe her story.
+%
+ Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river.
+One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the
+biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours,
+until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
+of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
+with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
+accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
+snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
+"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
+simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
+fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home.
+ Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a
+boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing
+plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their
+heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task
+went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being
+his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he
+was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on
+the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish
+he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as
+his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB!
+%
+ Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity
+to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant,
+and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is
+like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant
+is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant
+is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan."
+And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like
+a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate
+perception of the elephant.
+ The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and
+attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but
+bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just
+goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw
+them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all."
+%
+ Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights
+in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom
+who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses,
+and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could
+win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the
+way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with
+each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was
+not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was,
+in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom,
+they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some
+treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not
+thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the
+answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page.
+%
+ Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
+of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
+complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
+obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
+ Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
+available to anyone.
+ -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"
+%
+ One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make
+a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers
+to each cons."
+ Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a
+student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage
+collector..."
+%
+ One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
+an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
+went to speak with him.
+ "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow
+students inquired.
+ "It is", Kyogen answered.
+ "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
+ "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
+%
+ One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her,
+he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything
+I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the
+things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get
+them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it --
+so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for
+you."
+ The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie
+Kelly?"
+ He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never
+saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a
+lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed.
+ -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
+%
+ One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
+and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few
+people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next
+stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a
+wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said,
+"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
+ Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
+meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
+happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
+again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the
+one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started
+losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he
+could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
+and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
+what's more, he felt really good about himself.
+ So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
+and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
+passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
+ With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
+bus pass."
+%
+ One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He
+directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went...
+ "Change course 10 degrees South."
+ The reply was quickly flashed back...
+ "You change course 10 degrees North."
+ The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further
+message.....
+ "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
+ Back came the reply...
+ "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North."
+ The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....
+"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!"
+ Back came the reply...
+ "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"
+ -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course"
+%
+ One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
+is our support for UNIX?
+ Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
+Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
+VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
+easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
+users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
+And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have
+good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
+ It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
+out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
+up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
+ With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
+check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter
+what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
+you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
+is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
+ -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
+[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
+Olsen's brain. Ed.]
+%
+ page 46
+...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai
+Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used
+to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group
+on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers,
+"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were
+on placebo."
+ page 56
+The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body.
+Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and
+affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of
+which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental
+diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts
+to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must
+be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human
+body functions.
+ -- Norman Cousins,
+ "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient"
+%
+ Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
+town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
+ During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
+stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
+Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
+a Tory!"
+ A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
+loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her
+husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
+ A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
+Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
+never reveal our sauce."
+ A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He
+kept favoring curry.
+ A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong
+game. They had the volley of the Dills.
+%
+ People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty,
+these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female
+persuasion.
+ "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but
+misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good
+swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension,
+respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling
+enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse
+the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it.
+ A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up
+version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a
+"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be
+able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you
+call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a
+youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match.
+%
+ "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head,
+sounding a bit worried.
+ "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for
+is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money."
+ "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee
+said quickly.
+ "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations,"
+Cobb said, hopping out.
+ -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
+%
+ Phases of a Project:
+(1) Exultation.
+(2) Disenchantment.
+(3) Confusion.
+(4) Search for the Guilty.
+(5) Punishment for the Innocent.
+(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved.
+%
+ Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt
+snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one
+reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives.
+We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were.
+But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours.
+If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator,
+well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment,
+everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't
+know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_.
+ -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In"
+%
+ Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
+requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
+into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
+problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
+radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
+plumbing works.
+ A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
+except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
+it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
+and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
+all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
+kill you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
+the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program
+ran like a gentle wind.
+ Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"
+ "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
+follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I
+would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no
+longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing.
+My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit,
+free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program
+writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them
+coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code
+and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the
+program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my
+eyes for a moment and then log off."
+ Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the
+universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't
+know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
+spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
+starfield surrounding the ship.
+ "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us,"
+ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but
+they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have
+been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown,
+and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
+Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
+ -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
+%
+ Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him
+Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed,
+and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell
+every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about
+getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console
+me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under.
+ Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem
+to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that.
+No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or
+maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
+the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
+whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
+possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
+ On the Campaign Trail"
+%
+ "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
+what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
+somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
+ "He was going to suck my blood!"
+ "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
+if they don't live our way."
+...
+ "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
+happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose,
+ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides.
+Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's
+his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your
+decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
+through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
+in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices."
+ "When you look at it that way..."
+ "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do.
+Whatever. We want. To do."
+ -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+ Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly,
+uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the
+rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the
+algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure
+of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot
+claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of
+differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's,
+largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably
+he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as
+well.
+ -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub
+%
+ Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
+their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
+generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.
+
+ Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
+Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
+shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
+ "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
+advertising men in charge of his campaign.
+ "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
+ "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ SAFETY
+I can live without
+Someone I love
+But not without
+Someone I need.
+%
+ Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
+"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
+them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
+ "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
+Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
+That way you'll get it out of your system."
+ Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
+inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no
+time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
+several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
+yelled at him:
+ "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
+Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
+barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
+Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
+at his head!"
+ Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
+prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
+here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
+psychiatrist said. "Why?"
+ "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
+hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
+%
+ Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday
+afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near
+the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a
+long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George
+removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed.
+Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
+Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a
+nice gesture you made today, George.
+ "What do you mean?" asked George.
+ "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand
+respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
+ "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you
+know."
+%
+ "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
+"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
+said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
+ "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
+ "Too proud?" the other enquired.
+ Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
+she said, "that one can't help growing older."
+ "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
+proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+ Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
+ The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm...
+Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
+the odd integers are prime."
+ The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
+sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
+experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
+prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
+is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
+ The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
+"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
+see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
+well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it
+does seem right."
+ Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
+"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
+I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to
+his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says,
+"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
+%
+ She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing."
+ I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano."
+ -- Morrisey
+%
+ "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."
+ "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"
+ "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and
+paper boots."
+ "What's he wanted for?"
+ "Rustling."
+%
+ Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the
+Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull
+automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration
+in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible.
+He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the
+published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps
+had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result
+provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and
+Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of
+every copy.
+%
+ So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With
+a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver
+the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the
+lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land
+and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over,
+when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the
+sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed
+right straight toward us.
+ Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I
+were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads.
+We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and
+a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower
+calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using
+a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below
+the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we
+had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach,
+and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island
+until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+ "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might
+want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."
+ "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."
+ "Friday, then?"
+ "Why not, David, it might even be fun."
+ -- Dating in Minnesota
+%
+ Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
+haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town.
+A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let
+the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the
+stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
+may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
+Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is
+theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
+butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
+disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater
+per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even
+when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed
+the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
+People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
+much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
+Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced
+by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
+ And we always, always eat our vegetables.
+ This is the Minneapple.
+%
+ Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting
+alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is
+the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the
+Tao of Programming.
+ If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the
+operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is
+greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is
+harmony in the world.
+ The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of
+morning.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees
+on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
+Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
+employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
+farmers in America."
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
+Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
+intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
+women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
+good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
+Machineries of Joy?"
+ "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
+ -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
+%
+ Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
+ Half 1/2 bottle
+ Bottle 750 milliliters
+ Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
+ Jeroboam 4 bottles
+ Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
+ Methuselah 8 bottles
+ Salmanazar 12 bottles
+ Balthazar 16 bottles
+ Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
+ Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
+
+ The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
+largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
+to produce and they only made 8 of them.
+ Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
+%
+ Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first
+these questions three, ere the other side he see!
+
+ "What is your name?"
+ "Sir Brian of Bell."
+ "What is your quest?"
+ "I seek the Holy Grail."
+ "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments
+to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
+ "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!"
+%
+ Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
+Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
+never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
+and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
+run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
+Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
+strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
+were doing was right, that we were winning...
+ And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
+over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
+need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
+-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
+of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
+up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
+you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
+broke and rolled back.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+ "Surely you can't be serious."
+ "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
+%
+ Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content
+to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
+beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
+drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
+nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
+and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
+was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
+improve ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+ "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but
+they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold."
+ -- e. e. cummings last service call
+%
+ "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
+and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
+You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
+night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
+you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
+honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
+it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
+the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
+tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
+is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
+ -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King"
+%
+ The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time
+for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public.
+ It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners
+has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a
+curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a
+foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the
+sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand
+dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of
+people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to
+is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street...
+%
+ The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
+in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
+laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
+got a sense of humor?"
+ "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
+%
+ The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
+
+SPECIES: Cranial Males
+SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
+Courtship & Mating:
+ Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual
+ state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between
+ awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he
+ chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and
+ a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes.
+Track:
+ Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old
+ copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
+Comments:
+ Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations.
+%
+ The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
+
+SPECIES: Cranial Males
+SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
+Description:
+ Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair.
+ Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and
+ sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses
+ and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software
+ problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast.
+Feathering:
+ HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it.
+ Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick.
+Song:
+ A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
+%
+ The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
+
+SPECIES: Cranial Males
+SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
+Plumage:
+ All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the
+ top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers
+ wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars,
+ and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white
+ or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket.
+ Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black
+ plastic digital watch with calculator.
+%
+ The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical
+inner workings of the U.S. Air Force.
+ "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked.
+ In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so,"
+he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized,
+Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try
+a cup."
+ The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!"
+ "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent."
+ Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer
+chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little
+mix-up. Nothing serious."
+ Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the
+mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like
+coffee. Smooth and full bodied...
+ -- Another Episode of General's Hospital
+%
+ The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of
+the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South
+Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South
+End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
+%
+ "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
+
+On the good ship Enterprise
+Every week there's a new surprise
+Where the Romulans lurk
+And the Klingons often go berserk.
+
+Yes, the good ship Enterprise
+There's excitement anywhere it flies
+Where Tribbles play
+And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
+
+ See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
+ Mr. Spock is at his side.
+ The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
+ It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
+
+It's the good ship Enterprise
+Heading out where danger lies
+And you live in dread
+If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
+ -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
+%
+ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
+the subject of towels.
+ A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an
+interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value.
+You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons
+of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches
+of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River
+Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off
+with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
+the subject of towels.
+ Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
+some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
+with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
+toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
+the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
+a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
+hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
+win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
+reckoned with.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+ "The jig's up, Elman."
+ "Which jig?"
+ -- Jeff Elman
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
+
+Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
+Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
+language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
+and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
+spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
+ours."
+
+The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
+almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
+organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
+exist.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
+
+This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
+Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
+the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
+
+The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
+while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
+because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
+Perrier.
+
+Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
+and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
+case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
+message:
+ "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
+ you find the time to try it again?"
+%
+ The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
+a position of negative need.
+ He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
+ He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
+liquid.
+ He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
+ He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
+prestige of His identity.
+ It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
+ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
+sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
+ Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
+into a pleasurific mood state.
+ You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
+in the context of non-cooperative elements.
+ You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
+ My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
+ It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
+empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
+target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
+tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
+time basis.
+%
+ The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
+master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the
+master's office while the master waited in silence.
+ "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
+began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
+system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
+interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
+Is it not amazing?"
+ The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
+said.
+ "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
+everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree
+to this?"
+ "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
+data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
+pleased.
+ Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
+programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
+you know where it might be?"
+ "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
+in the data center."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
+emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
+have a quarter?"
+ The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
+ The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
+right! Can I have a dollar?"
+%
+ The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
+change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project
+is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
+students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
+ation.
+ Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
+recognition of the sanctity of human life."
+
+ According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
+1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
+"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
+farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
+
+ Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
+Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
+probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
+
+ It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
+logically experienced citizens."
+
+ According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
+just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
+ -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
+%
+ "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
+ "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
+feel interested.
+ "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
+vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
+Aged Man.'"
+ "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
+Alice corrected herself.
+ "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
+called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
+ "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
+time completely bewildered.
+ "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
+"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+ The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
+You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
+old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it
+grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
+bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
+ -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
+%
+ The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.
+I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
+ A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea.
+Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far
+out on the water, round. Usurper.
+ -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
+%
+ The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to
+get results.
+ The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
+problems in order to get results
+ The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at
+toy problems in order to get results.
+%
+ The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
+their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.
+ Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
+battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved
+blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.
+ Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?
+ The answer exists only in the Tao.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ "The pyramid is opening!"
+ "Which one?"
+ "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
+ -- The Firesign Theatre,
+ "How Can You Be In Two Places At
+ Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
+%
+ The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
+forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
+their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned
+to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
+ Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
+on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises
+got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
+hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
+most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
+ "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
+ The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
+suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued
+through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed
+and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
+one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
+%
+ The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth
+to the assembler.
+ The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand
+languages.
+ Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language
+expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within
+the Tao.
+ But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
+ Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
+
+A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
+should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
+take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
+of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
+statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
+of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
+only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
+
+ The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
+ The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
+ No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
+ Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
+
+ A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
+%
+ The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average
+programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer
+is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there
+would be no Tao.
+ The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to
+retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program
+still has bugs.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ THE WOMBAT
+
+The wombat lives across the seas,
+Among the far Antipodes.
+He may exist on nuts and berries,
+Or then again, on missionaries;
+His distant habitat precludes
+Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
+But I would not engage the wombat
+In any form of mortal combat.
+%
+ The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the
+stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left
+his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went
+to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's
+wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey,
+Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner
+of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in
+line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket,
+he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand
+was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as
+he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried
+to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line
+for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin.
+As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more.
+Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not
+Dave!"
+%
+ Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air,
+it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of
+the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people!
+With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to
+make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland,
+when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around
+him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car
+with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE!
+THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S!
+TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD
+has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers.
+Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first.
+ -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA"
+%
+ Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years
+with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of
+sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of
+his real problems.
+ The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his
+problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension,
+headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having
+gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke.
+ The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can
+stand to live with.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+ "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is
+wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder
+hard, to keep from falling.
+ Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in
+his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for."
+...
+ "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes
+are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but
+heroes are meant to die for unicorns."
+ -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
+ "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
+ "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?"
+ "I'll put `maybe.'"
+ -- Bloom County
+%
+ THEORY
+Into love and out again,
+ Thus I went and thus I go.
+Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
+ Well and bitterly I know
+All the songs were ever sung,
+ All the words were ever said;
+Could it be, when I was young,
+ Someone dropped me on my head?
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+ There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
+someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
+Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
+Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
+every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
+this?
+ Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
+centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _\by_\bo_\bu
+can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
+forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
+-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
+even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
+why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are
+sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts
+that people cannot think.
+ -- Richard W. Hamming
+%
+ There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as
+he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
+ "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
+forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
+ This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
+of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
+But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
+ When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
+but nothing was to be found.
+ On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
+guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
+better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
+ On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
+curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
+in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"
+ The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
+A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
+programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
+master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
+appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
+understand the Tao before transcending structure."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
+day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
+of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
+change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
+whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!"
+%
+ There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
+going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to
+a man who answered one door.
+ "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
+ "Forty dollars."
+ "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
+ Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
+"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says,
+"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
+%
+ There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are
+you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
+ "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow."
+ "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
+they're carrying upstairs!"
+%
+ There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
+three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
+each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
+can opener.
+ A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
+cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
+pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
+and escaped.
+ The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
+off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
+pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
+ The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
+solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly
+against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
+ Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
+ Proof: assume the opposite...
+%
+ There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
+warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
+an accounting package or an operating system?"
+ "An operating system," replied the programmer.
+ The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an
+accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
+system," he said.
+ "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
+the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
+how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
+tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward
+appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
+simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system
+is easier to design."
+ The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well,"
+he said, "but which is easier to debug?"
+ The programmer made no reply.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
+how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
+"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to
+share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and
+easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
+ The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
+friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
+midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
+of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
+as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system
+like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am."
+ The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
+two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even
+drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer
+pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which
+demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and
+sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more.
+ They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought.
+No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was
+ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae
+was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground
+beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these
+things was itself the doing of them.
+ To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and
+so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the
+greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand
+and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt
+sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body
+of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food
+spread only for demons or for gods."
+ -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
+%
+ This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
+explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for
+use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
+and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
+ We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
+pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since
+we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
+making anything out of all the hard work.
+ If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
+around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
+attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
+locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
+ -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow
+%
+ Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
+rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
+than he does.
+ As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
+it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
+sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
+consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
+being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
+ The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
+do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
+honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
+be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
+relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
+Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
+This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
+ from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
+ and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
+%
+ To A Quick Young Fox:
+Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
+Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
+Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
+Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
+ -- Lazy Dog
+%
+ To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
+wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
+ The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
+food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
+promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an
+eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
+Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
+pint of ice cream nearby.
+ -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
+%
+ Two men looked out from the prison bars,
+ One saw mud--
+ The other saw stars.
+
+Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window.
+While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit
+in the head.
+%
+ Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the
+ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop,
+"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
+ After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the
+seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to
+sing, "Some day my prints will come."
+ A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought
+an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've
+bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't,
+son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
+ A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father,
+and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she
+was Carmen or Cohen.
+ Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever
+since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small
+orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
+%
+ "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
+ "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to
+food, right?"
+ -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
+%
+ "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year
+strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap
+crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts.
+There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with
+a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance
+salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in
+square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down
+soggy potato chips."
+ "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
+ "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug,
+"but I thought it made good copy."
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
+Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
+up to 340."
+
+ On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
+stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
+to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."
+
+ A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
+finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
+are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't
+work."
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
+
+Firings will continue until morale improves.
+%
+ We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
+think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow
+doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
+messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this
+disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
+by law, up to and including nothing.
+ This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
+packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
+ We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
+lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
+attack shark at which point we relented.
+ -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
+%
+ "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
+and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
+trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
+in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
+predatory.
+ The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
+at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
+Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
+ -- William Burroughs
+%
+ We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
+you are so tired.
+ There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
+ The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
+60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
+years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
+ There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
+19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
+leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
+and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
+hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
+ Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
+so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
+brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
+%
+ "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will
+you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
+psycho-prompter couch?"
+ "Thank you, Red."
+ "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
+your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
+pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
+ "Yes, Red."
+ "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
+repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
+at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
+your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
+two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
+projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
+ "Yes, Red."
+ "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
+been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
+explain the failure of your three marriages."
+ "Well, I--"
+ "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
+product."
+ -- Jules Feiffer
+%
+ Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
+of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
+ Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
+only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
+able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed,
+undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer
+inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished.
+All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important,
+became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships
+not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own
+meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by
+all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming
+all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem,
+destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
+ Time passed, unheeded.
+ Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and
+Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
+ -- Wayfarer
+%
+ "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
+blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
+blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
+scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
+ripped off..."
+ "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
+let him lie there all night."
+ "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the
+White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson...
+and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported
+that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him."
+ "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks
+and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going
+around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside
+in the street, bleeding to death...'"
+ "... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
+ "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
+ "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
+ ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
+%
+ "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
+The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
+maim or kill innocent little children."
+ "Oh, so you don't like it?"
+ "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it."
+ -- The Killing Joke
+%
+ "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is
+as follows."
+ "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am
+an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me."
+ "It means the Thing to Do."
+ "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly.
+%
+ "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
+ "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
+coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
+ -- "Doctor Who"
+%
+ "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We
+had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
+Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale.
+ -- The Washington Post, February, 1988
+
+The New Yorker's comment:
+ At Harvard they'd call it a noun.
+%
+ "We've decided to have the budgie put down."
+ "Oh, is he very old then?"
+ "No, we just don't like him."
+ "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?"
+ "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a
+great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it,
+you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just
+above the beak."
+ "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo."
+ "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and
+pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out
+of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms."
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+ "We've got a problem, HAL".
+ "What kind of problem, Dave?"
+ "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're
+way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
+ "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
+advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
+ "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
+they're not selling."
+ "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
+ Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
+[...]
+ "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
+I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
+ "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
+ "What kludge is that, Dave?"
+ "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
+ -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
+%
+ "What are we going to do?"
+ "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking
+for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
+short initiation period."
+ -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting"
+%
+ "What are you watching?"
+ "I don't know."
+ "Well, what's happening?"
+ "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something
+terrible."
+ "Why are you watching it?"
+ "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art
+flow over you."
+ -- The Big Chill
+%
+ "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest
+fantasies?"
+ "You keep it to yourself."
+ -- Broadcast News
+%
+ "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
+asked her mother.
+ "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
+%
+ What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
+chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
+conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
+repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
+they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
+passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely,
+all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
+and they remain permanent influences on your life.
+ Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
+as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is
+less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about
+men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
+more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
+ -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
+%
+ "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
+ "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
+ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
+ -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
+%
+ "What's that thing?"
+ "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
+computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
+it does. We call it a two-by-four."
+ -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
+%
+ "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the
+assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his
+whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another
+drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced
+another cheer and another round of drinks.
+ As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
+onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
+the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
+%
+ When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
+his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
+questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
+political views.
+ "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
+driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
+'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat
+closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
+ "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has
+moved farther to the left."
+ -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
+%
+ When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games.
+When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
+to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to
+roll in.
+ Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.
+ When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
+accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored.
+When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon
+be solved.
+ Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
+"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
+the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
+ "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you
+might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
+%
+ When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
+that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
+hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
+to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
+but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
+seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
+invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
+sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
+ Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
+It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
+Romania.
+ -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
+%
+ "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
+"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
+ "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
+ "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
+Piglet.
+ Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
+%
+ While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
+the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
+three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
+"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
+ "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
+ "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
+then. We're trying to catch her."
+ "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
+carrying a bucket of sand?"
+ "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
+%
+ While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
+inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
+ Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
+you burn, madam."
+%
+ While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
+his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
+ "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you
+mean?"
+ The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
+`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
+a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
+salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
+machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller
+thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
+had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
+more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
+acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
+be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
+were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
+why the sea is salt."
+ "I don't get you," said the assistant.
+ -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
+%
+ Why are you doing this to me?
+ Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
+there is change.
+ -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
+%
+ Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in
+vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
+unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
+the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government
+-- $40,000."
+%
+ Work Hard.
+ Rock Hard.
+ Eat Hard.
+ Sleep Hard.
+ Grow Big.
+ Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
+ -- The Webb Wilder Credo
+%
+ Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
+and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
+quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
+and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
+Chips, as well as after Chips?
+%
+ "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
+mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
+ "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either
+bury it or else throw it into the brook."
+ "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you
+do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half
+long, and two mouses wide."
+ I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
+how it was used...
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
+%
+ "Yo, Mike!"
+ "Yeah, Gabe?"
+ "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah."
+ "I thought you fixed that last century!"
+ "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics
+program. They're getting energy out of nowhere."
+ "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's
+there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
+There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?"
+ -- Cold Fusion, 1989
+%
+ "You are *so* lovely."
+ "Yes."
+ "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
+%
+ "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
+ "Sure. Whaddya got?"
+ -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
+%
+ "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
+ "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
+ "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I
+was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
+ -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
+%
+ "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
+airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
+deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
+when I was young!"
+ "Why, what did she tell you?"
+ "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+ "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
+any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
+fit to hear his view of things?"
+ "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming
+you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by
+imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough,
+if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
+potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
+and you may feel free to kick his ass."
+ -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
+%
+ "You say there are two types of people?"
+ "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
+don't."
+ "Wrong. There are three groups:
+ Those who separate people into three groups.
+ Those who don't separate people into groups.
+ Those who can't decide."
+ "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
+two groups?"
+ "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
+ "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
+ "Yeah."
+ "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
+ "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their
+minds."
+%
+ Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the
+week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for
+only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka,
+Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects
+to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun.
+ It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but
+rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the
+fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the
+soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show
+beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach
+twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that
+age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally.
+This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country.
+ -- Quote from a 1910 periodical
+%
+ Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that bring
+electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a chance to
+kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home electrical
+problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit breaker"; this causes
+the electricity to back up in one of the wires until it bursts out of an
+outlet in the form of sparks, which can damage your carpet. The best way
+to avoid broken circuits is to change your fuses regularly.
+ Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This sometimes
+means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more often it means
+that your home is possessed by demons, in which case you'll need to get a
+caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not sure whether your house is
+possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a fine documentary film based on an
+actual book. Or call in a licensed electrician, who is trained to spot the
+signs of demonic possession, such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous
+cats on the dinette table, etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ "Your son still sliding down the banisters?"
+ "We wound barbed wire around them."
+ "That stop him?"
+ "No, but it sure slowed him up."
+%
+ Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a
+matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the
+will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a
+freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental
+predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure
+over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in
+a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years;
+people grow old by deserting their ideals.
+
+ Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles
+the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the
+long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to
+dust.
+
+ Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a
+love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and
+thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike
+appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life.
+
+ You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young
+as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as
+old as your despair.
+
+ In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station.
+So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur,
+courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so
+long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places
+of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of
+cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed!
+ -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in
+ The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood
+%
+" "
+ -- Charlie Chaplin
+
+" "
+ -- Harpo Marx
+
+" "
+ -- Marcel Marceau
+%
+ /\
+ \\ \
+ / \ \\ /
+ / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you,
+ \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you,
+ / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you,
+ / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ...
+ \ \\
+ \/
+ -- Eurythmics
+%
+ ___ ______
+ /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc.
+ \ \ \ / /\\
+ \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job,
+ _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob."
+ // \__\/ / \ /\ \
+ _______//_______/ \ / _\/______
+ / / \ \ / / / /\
+ __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__
+ / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\
+ /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \
+ \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ /
+ \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/
+ \ \/ / \ \ \ \ /
+ \_____/ / \ \ \________\/
+ /__________/ \ \ /
+ \ _____ \ /_____\/
+ \ / /\ \ / \ \ \
+ /____/ \ \ / \ \ \
+ \ \ /___\/ \ \ \
+ \____\/ \__\/
+%
+ THE
+ NORMAL
+ LAW OF ERROR
+ STANDS OUT IN THE
+ EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND
+ AS ONE OF THE BROADEST
+ GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL
+ PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE
+ GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES
+ IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND
+ IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING *
+ IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE
+INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT
+
+ -- W. J. Youden
+%
+ ***
+ *******
+ *********
+ ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
+ *******
+ ***
+%
+* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
+%
+ It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all
+primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach
+of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings
+arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself
+completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged
+once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or
+subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son,
+man.
+ -- Fred Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy
+%
+ n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
+ n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
+ n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
+ n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
+ n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
+
+ -- C code which reverses the bits in a word
+%
+ n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
+ n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
+ n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
+ n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
+ n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
+
+ -- C code which counts the bits in a word
+%
+=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
+will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
+updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
+machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
+populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
+cold boot process.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
+
+The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
+Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
+switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
+Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
+back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
+performance.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
+this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
+order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
+please communicate them by one of the following paths:
+
+ ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA
+ UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
+ Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
+ Wastebasket
+ Room NE43-926
+ Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
+ For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
+ operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
+
+* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
+ responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+CAR and CDR now return extra values.
+
+The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
+to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
+well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
+destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
+
+ (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
+
+For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
+object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
+fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
+hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
+it cold boots the machine so often.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
+INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
+LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
+done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
+Note that LET *could* have been defined by:
+
+ (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
+ ,LET)))
+ `(LET ((LET ',LET))
+ ,LET))
+
+This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
+3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
+This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
+Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
+confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+JCL support as alternative to system menu.
+
+In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
+we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an
+alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL
+interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360
+compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This
+window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
+such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL
+syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
+debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
+messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
+collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
+(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
+virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
+QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
+collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
+than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
+more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
+remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
+in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
+SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
+%
+=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
+
+There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR.
+ (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS)
+ (PROG (V P LP)
+ (SETQ P (LOCF V))
+ L (SETQ LP LISTS)
+ (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
+ L1 (OR LP (GO L2))
+ (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V))
+ (%PUSH (CAAR LP))
+ (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP))
+ (SETQ LP (CDR LP))
+ (GO L1)
+ L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL)
+ (SETQ LP (%POP))
+ (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP)))
+ (GO L)))
+We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
+%
+**** CONVENTION REMINDER
+
+No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
+Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
+smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
+carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
+marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
+%
+**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
+
+For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos.
+Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how
+to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're
+beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that
+they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent?
+Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once,
+not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at
+all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your
+great potential.
+%
+ I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
+ its situation.
+ Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
+ loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
+ look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
+ second per second takes over.
+ II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
+ intervenes suddenly.
+ Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
+ characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
+ pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
+ Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the
+ stooge's surcease.
+III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
+ conforming to its perimeter.
+ Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
+ speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless
+ cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
+ the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The
+ threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
+ -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
+%
+ 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
+ 2. The Nutcracker Swede
+ 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World
+ 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
+ 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
+ 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
+ 7. Crisco Kringle
+ 8. Babes in Boyland
+ 9. Santa's Magic Lap
+10. Hot Buttered Elves
+ -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times
+ Square"
+%
+... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
+have turned into a pile of dust.
+%
+... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
+was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
+were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
+a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
+Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
+and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
+that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
+ -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
+%
+-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
+-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
+ carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
+-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
+-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
+ the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
+-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
+%
+=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============
+
+To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
+course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
+offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
+afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
+to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
+there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
+%
+... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned
+products, if they are built at all, are dogs!
+ -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac",
+ MIT Press, 1987
+%
+... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
+programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
+down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
+behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
+never when standing.
+
+Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
+know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
+know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
+hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static
+electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
+An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
+the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
+touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
+astray by hunting and pecking.
+ -- from the Programming Pearls column,
+ by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985
+%
+... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
+%
+... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a
+courtesy detail.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
+inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
+ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
+haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
+it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
+prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
+looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
+is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
+mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you
+may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
+have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged.
+ -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
+%
+... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
+easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
+and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
+upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
+without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
+on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
+was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
+sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
+human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
+intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
+can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now
+seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their
+world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of
+ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once
+you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen
+would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number.
+ -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
+%
+... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
+ -- Virginia Masters
+%
+... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member
+objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the
+public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the
+public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private
+parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts
+are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports
+the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each
+other's private parts.
+ -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications"
+%
+... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since
+civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
+gain in 30 years.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
+%
+... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_\bd_\bi_\bd* quote anybody in this
+business, it probably would be gibberish.
+ -- Thom McLeod
+%
+... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
+perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
+attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
+introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
+yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia"
+%
+<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
+%
+... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter.
+"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers
+words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him.
+He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see
+them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time.
+Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he
+knows them in the naming.
+ -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
+%
+/* Haley */
+
+ (Haley's comment.)
+%
+"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
+supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
+actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
+ Points in l'Amour"
+%
+... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
+the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
+asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****
+
+Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
+erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
+Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
+Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
+valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
+in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
+as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any
+time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
+of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
+space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
+validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
+extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile
+or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
+%
+... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
+intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin
+to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be
+at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be
+incalculable ...
+ -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970
+%
+... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
+smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
+not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
+ -- Stephen Crane
+%
+>>> Internal error in fortune program:
+>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323
+>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
+%
+: is not an identifier
+%
+... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
+sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other
+words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
+superficial design flaws.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+ on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
+%
+... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the
+existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great
+systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative
+hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.
+ -- Sidney Hook
+%
+... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been
+found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth...
+ -- John 11:43-44
+%
+... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'?
+What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?
+ -- Opus
+%
+... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
+legally ... impeccable!
+%
+-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
+-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
+ to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
+-- Neophyte's serendipity.
+-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
+ diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
+-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
+ of small, green bryophytic plant.
+-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
+ of a lucrative nature.
+-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
+ osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
+%
+** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER **
+%
+*** NEWS FLASH ***
+
+Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
+skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
+than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
+%
+*\a\a\a** NEWSFLASH ***
+ Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!!
+ Details at eleven!
+%
+... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
+get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
+the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
+on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
+children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
+snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
+to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
+a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
+outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
+he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
+Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
+Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
+kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
+children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
+quickly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
+with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
+shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
+advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
+shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
+them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
+lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
+their C programs.
+ -- Robert Firth
+%
+... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
+Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
+thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
+somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
+on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
+a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
+ -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
+%
+... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the
+downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited
+awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
+ -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in
+ "The History of Manned Space Flight"
+%
+-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
+-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
+-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
+-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
+-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed
+ lacteal fluid.
+-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
+-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated
+ canine with innovative maneuvers.
+-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
+-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
+ galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
+%
+... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
+who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
+and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
+and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
+ -- Voltarine de Cleyre
+%
+... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
+procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
+to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
+sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
+documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
+listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
+documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
+under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
+effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
+scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
+in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
+thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
+then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
+dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
+
+It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
+in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
+sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
+we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
+"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
+wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
+IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
+about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
+forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
+rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
+succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
+in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
+underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
+of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
+IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
+discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
+%
+-- THE BATES MOTEL --
+ ... convenient
+ ... clean
+ ... cozy
+
+ Norman, knock loudly,
+ I'm in the shower.
+
+ M.
+%
+... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ...
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
+other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
+charity we can only call "inhuman."
+ -- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
+-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
+ optimal cachinnation.
+%
+... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
+have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
+or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
+layers that are going to be agreed upon.
+ -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World
+%
+... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
+thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
+biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
+cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...
+
+ I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
+%
+... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six
+million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."
+ -- The Firesign Theatre
+%
+... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage
+from beginning to end.
+ -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
+%
+ U X
+e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
+%
+* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
+%
+ VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
+ entrances; others cannot.
+ This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
+ it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to
+ trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
+ space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to
+ follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not
+ of science.
+VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
+ Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
+ might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
+ accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
+ destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
+ elongate, snap back, or solidify.
+ IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
+ This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
+ the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
+ watching it happen to a duck instead.
+ X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
+ Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
+ -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
+%
+<< WAIT >>
+%
+... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent
+observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of
+years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary
+descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but
+do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither
+flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some
+things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well
+established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
+to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
+cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
+into doubt.
+ -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
+ The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
+%
+... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
+has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
+%
+... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby
+Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all
+piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot
+wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded
+right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but
+poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the
+hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt
+to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with
+anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it?
+ After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and
+barely able to walk.
+ "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers.
+ "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor.
+ Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison,
+"The good news first!"
+ "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live."
+ "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?"
+The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in
+the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of
+his life."
+%
+!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
+%
+1: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
+2: An inclined plane is a slope up.
+3: A slow pup is a lazy dog.
+
+QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.
+ -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
+%
+(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
+ furniture, shelves, and showcases.
+(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
+ Wash the windows once a week.
+(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
+ coal for the day's business.
+(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your
+ individual taste.
+(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
+ on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each
+ employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
+ church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
+ -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
+ Works, 1872
+%
+1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
+%
+1. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
+2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
+3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
+4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
+5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
+6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
+7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
+8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
+9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
+10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
+ -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
+%
+(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
+(2) Great generals are forewarned.
+(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
+(4) Four is an even number.
+(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
+(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
+ Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
+%
+(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
+(2) Great generals are forewarned.
+(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
+(4) Four is an even number.
+(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
+(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
+ Therefore, all horses are black.
+%
+1. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
+2. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
+3. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
+4. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
+ the social ramble ain't restful.
+5. Avoid running at all times.
+6. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
+ -- S. Paige, c. 1951
+%
+1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
+6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
+2 pints = 1 Cavort
+Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
+Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
+6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
+3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
+1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
+1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
+1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
+1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
+2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
+2000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
+10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
+Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
+8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
+365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
+16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
+Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
+ to 1 meter per second
+One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
+10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
+1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
+1 Word = 1 Millipicture
+1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
+1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
+10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
+10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
+The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
+%
+1 bulls, 3 cows.
+%
+1. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than
+you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait).
+3. Always take back everything if you possibly can.
+ -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
+%
+1: No code table for op: ++post
+%
+1) X=Y ; Given
+2) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X
+3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
+4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor
+5) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term
+6) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
+7) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y
+ -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
+%
+10. Not everybody looks good naked.
+ 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
+ 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
+ 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
+ 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na.
+ 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio.
+ 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
+ 3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
+ 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
+ 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to
+ future generations.
+ -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock"
+%
+10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
+
+ 1. A beer won't make you go to church.
+ 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
+ 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
+ 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
+ other beers on the side.
+ 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of
+ "Doberperson."
+ 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
+ folk music on yer fave radio station.
+ 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
+ 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
+ toilet seat up.
+ 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
+ enormous can of vegetable juice.
+10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
+%
+100 buckets of bits on the bus
+100 buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
+
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
+FF buckets of bits
+Take one down, short it to ground
+FE buckets of bits on the bus
+
+ad infinitum...
+%
+$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
+which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
+%
+101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
+ (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
+ (2) Dead cat brush
+ (3) Hair barrettes
+ (4) Cleats
+ (5) Self-piercing earrings
+ (6) Fungus trellis
+ (7) False eyelashes
+ (8) Prosthetic dog claws
+ .
+ .
+ .
+ (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
+ (100) Killer velcro
+ (101) Currency
+%
+1/2 oz. gin
+1/2 oz. vodka
+1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
+3/4 oz. tequila
+1/2 oz. triple sec
+1/2 oz. orange juice
+3/4 oz. sour mix
+1/2 oz. cola
+shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
+ Long Island Iced Tea
+%
+13. ... r-q1
+%
+17. HO HUM -- The Redundant
+
+------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
+--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
+------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
+---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop
+---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates
+--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
+
+Nine in the second place means:
+ The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
+
+Six in the third place means:
+ In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
+ Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
+%
+1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
+the law!
+%
+17th Rule of Friendship:
+
+A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount
+of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
+noncancellable.
+ -- Esquire, May 1977
+%
+186,000 miles per second:
+It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
+%
+1893 The ideal brain tonic
+1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
+ soda fountains
+1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
+1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
+1906 The drink of QUALITY
+1907 Good to the last drop
+1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
+1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
+1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
+1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
+1919 It satisfies thirst
+1919 The taste is the test
+1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
+1922 Thirst knows no season
+1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
+ -- Coca-Cola slogans
+%
+1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
+1929 The high sign of refreshment
+1929 The pause that refreshes
+1930 It had to be good to get where it is
+1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
+1935 The pause that brings friends together
+1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
+1938 The best friend thirst ever had
+1939 Thirst stops here
+1942 It's the real thing
+1947 Have a Coke
+1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
+1963 Things go better with Coke
+1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
+1979 Have a Coke and a smile
+1982 Coke is it!
+ -- Coca-Cola slogans
+%
+1st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY!
+
+2nd graffitiest: Why?
+%
+2180, U.S. History question:
+ What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
+office did he later hold?
+%
+3 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie
+process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
+traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
+ourselves in.
+ -- Jordan K. Hubbard
+%
+$3,000,000
+%
+355/113 --
+ Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.
+%
+3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art
+and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests
+that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the
+adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively
+tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
+
+ [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
+%
+3rd Law of Computing:
+ Anything that can go wr
+fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
+%
+40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
+%
+4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
+
+You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a
+575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien
+tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the
+575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The
+Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the
+130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He
+has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until
+Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark...
+ -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
+%
+(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting
+ purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
+(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
+ office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
+ and other good books.
+(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
+ sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
+ so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
+(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
+ in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
+ shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
+ his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
+(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
+ without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
+ five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
+ business permit it.
+ -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
+ Works, 1872
+%
+6 oz. orange juice
+1 oz. vodka
+1/2 oz. Galliano
+ Harvey Wallbangers
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
+ Redwood Forest.
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
+ Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
+%
+90% of the work takes 90% of the time.
+The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
+%
+94% of the women in America are beautiful
+and the rest hang out around here.
+%
+99 blocks of crud on the disk,
+99 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+100 blocks of crud on the disk!
+
+100 blocks of crud on the disk,
+100 blocks of crud!
+You patch a bug, and dump it again:
+101 blocks of crud on the disk!
+%
+A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice
+at one end and no responsibility at the other.
+%
+A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
+ -- Carl Sandburg
+%
+A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
+%
+A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy
+who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
+ -- Don Quinn
+%
+A bachelor is an unaltared male.
+%
+A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty
+and a boy for ever.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot
+the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
+%
+A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
+ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
+sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
+ -- Kipling
+%
+A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+A beer delayed is a beer denied.
+%
+A beginning is the time for taking the
+most delicate care that balances are correct.
+ -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
+%
+A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.
+ -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
+%
+A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
+A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
+A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
+A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
+%
+A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on
+a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their
+jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
+
+The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra!
+ Fantastic! We'll be famous!"
+The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know
+ there's one white zebra."
+The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is
+ white on one side."
+The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
+%
+A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
+%
+A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
+%
+A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
+%
+A bit of talcum
+Is always walcum
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+A black cat crossing your path signifies
+that the animal is going somewhere.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
+best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
+serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
+schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
+work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
+not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
+elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
+stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
+supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
+professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the
+academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
+and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
+resource centers along the roads.
+ -- The Underground Grammarian
+%
+A bore is a man who talks so much about
+himself that you can't talk about yourself.
+%
+A bore is someone who persists in holding his
+own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
+%
+A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
+%
+A box without hinges, key, or lid,
+Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
+ -- J. R. R. Tolkien
+%
+A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
+of turning around three times before lying down.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
+ -- John Steinbeck
+%
+A budget is just a method of worrying
+before you spend money, as well as afterward.
+%
+A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
+%
+A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
+%
+A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by
+hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They
+drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and
+found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens
+got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an
+experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
+ He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
+got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's
+friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
+ The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
+pole in a complex plane."
+%
+A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
+The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
+Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
+And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
+ -- Robert W. Service
+%
+A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files
+is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
+%
+A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
+ -- Paul Valery
+%
+A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich
+and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
+%
+A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
+to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
+and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
+examine him about his recent diet.
+ "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
+the problem?"
+ The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
+Tell me a bit about this missionary."
+ "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
+walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
+him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
+ "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
+the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"
+%
+A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
+%
+A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island
+on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
+and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms
+with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days
+until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief
+and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
+spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."
+%
+A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
+does not prove anything.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
+%
+A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
+Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
+%
+A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
+had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
+various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
+invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
+and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
+asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
+between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
+string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
+was enlightened.
+
+From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
+string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
+who passed it on to theirs.
+%
+A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
+time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
+evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
+the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
+the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
+much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
+ Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
+The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
+after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
+to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
+silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
+go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
+ Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
+the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
+%
+A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
+a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
+with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
+in as Mr. and Mrs.
+ After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
+desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
+a bill for $2500.
+ "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
+only three days."
+ "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month
+and a half."
+%
+A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
+%
+A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere
+coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not
+to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.
+%
+A chronic disposition to inquiry
+deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
+%
+A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
+will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
+%
+A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
+won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
+ -- Bill Vaughan
+%
+A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
+ -- Herbert Prochnow
+%
+A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity.
+%
+A classic is something that everybody wants to have read
+and nobody wants to read.
+ -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester,
+ "The Disappearance of Literature"
+%
+A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
+%
+A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
+a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the
+sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
+know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
+
+1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
+ Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
+ valuable scientific objectivity.
+
+2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
+ Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
+ gentleness and reassurance he can get.
+
+3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
+ Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
+%
+A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
+
+4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
+ You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
+ the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
+ disability you may have experienced.
+
+5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
+ It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
+ explained in terms that you would understand.
+
+6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
+ Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
+ research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
+%
+A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
+
+7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
+ You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
+ to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
+
+8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
+ It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
+
+9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
+ OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
+ The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
+ sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
+
+10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
+ This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
+%
+A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief
+as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of
+dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive.
+ -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
+%
+A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
+ -- Milton Berle
+%
+A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies,
+scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.
+ -- Parkinson
+%
+A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.
+ -- R. Stallman
+%
+A company is known by the men it keeps.
+%
+A complex system that works is invariably
+found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
+%
+A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
+ -- Victor Hugo
+%
+[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
+ -- Joseph Campbell
+%
+A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
+with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
+ -- Mitch Ratcliffe
+%
+A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
+the president one of the latest talking computers.
+Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
+ and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
+ speed of light?"
+Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
+Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?"
+Computer: George Washington.
+President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question.
+ Where is my father?"
+Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia.
+President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
+ years ago!"
+Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
+ landed a twelve pound bass.
+%
+A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
+the computer science student has run in to.
+
+CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
+ to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
+ What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
+ cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
+ table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
+ queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
+ get the pointer value from there?
+Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
+ make it point to the previous item.
+CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
+ and structure elements must have unique names within that
+ scope!
+Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
+
+And then the CS Student was enlightened.
+%
+A computer science student on an exam:
+
+ According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just
+ a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently,
+ information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool
+ news.
+%
+A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
+%
+A computer, to print out a fact,
+Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+ But this output can be
+ No more than debris,
+If the input was short of exact.
+ -- Gigo
+%
+A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
+cake without ketchup and mustard.
+%
+A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
+%
+A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can
+do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+A CONS is an object which cares.
+ -- Bernie Greenberg
+%
+A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+A conservative is a man
+who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
+ -- Alfred E. Wiggam
+%
+A conservative is a man
+with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
+ -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
+is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
+%
+A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
+ -- Dyer
+%
+A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the
+damned things is ample.
+ -- Rebecca West
+%
+A couch is as good as a chair.
+%
+A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
+beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately,
+one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
+like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
+Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
+his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
+Game Warden finally caught up to him.
+ "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The
+man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
+license.
+ "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
+as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
+ "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
+there, he don't have one!"
+%
+A cousin of mine once said about money,
+money is always there but the pockets change;
+it is not in the same pockets after a change,
+and that is all there is to say about money.
+ -- Gertrude Stein
+%
+A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased
+in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
+each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
+and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
+the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
+ At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
+well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
+houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
+fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
+of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
+complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
+ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
+this central section.
+ Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
+colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
+brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
+hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
+%
+A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
+ -- Whitney Balliett
+%
+A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels
+qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic
+in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally.
+%
+A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.
+ -- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
+%
+A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
+%
+A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
+%
+A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
+%
+A day without sunshine is like night.
+%
+A dead man cannot bite.
+ -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
+%
+A debugged program is one for which you have
+not yet found the conditions that make it fail.
+ -- Jerry Ogdin
+%
+A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
+Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of
+their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the
+society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the
+domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
+is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
+ -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
+%
+A Difficulty for Every Solution.
+ -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
+%
+A diplomat is a man who can convince his
+wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
+%
+A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
+go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
+ -- Samuel Clemens
+%
+A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell
+in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
+ -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
+%
+A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
+your birthday when you never look any older?"
+%
+A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson
+%
+A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman
+inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
+of her life?"
+ She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before
+the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
+condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".
+%
+A diva who specializes in risqu'\be arias is an off-coloratura soprano.
+%
+A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have
+some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is
+that you only have six weeks to live."
+ "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than
+that?"
+ "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
+last Monday."
+%
+A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested
+waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The
+lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional
+courtesy," he explained.
+%
+A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him
+what he meant.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
+a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate
+a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury
+an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
+%
+A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
+%
+A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer
+should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around
+she deserved.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein
+%
+A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
+1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help,
+the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked
+"what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied, "I see a
+cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of
+the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
+with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
+%
+A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
+%
+A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty
+m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
+alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is
+running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
+m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
+takes off and disappears into the distance.
+ The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
+the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
+sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
+ "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's
+me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for
+dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
+So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
+have a drumstick."
+ "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
+ "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch
+one yet."
+%
+A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
+He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
+to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
+should be masculine or feminine.
+ After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either
+Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
+ "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
+them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
+went on their way rather quickly.
+ He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
+belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
+ The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
+asked.
+ "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
+masculine."
+ "Unhhh... Well, why not?"
+ "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
+it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she
+go!'"
+
+ [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
+ martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.]
+%
+A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
+%
+A fitter fits; Though sinners sin
+A cutter cuts; And thinners thin
+And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot
+A baby-sitter I've never yet
+Baby-sits -- Had letters let
+But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot.
+
+A batter bats
+(Or scatters scats);
+A potting shed's for potting;
+But no one's found
+A bounder bound
+Or caught an otter otting.
+ -- Ralph Lewin
+%
+A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood
+waiting for a taxi.
+ "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west."
+ "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange."
+%
+A fool and his honey are soon parted.
+%
+A fool and his money are soon popular.
+%
+A fool must now and then be right by chance.
+%
+A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
+of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
+%
+A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
+superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
+ -- D. Gries
+%
+A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
+%
+A fox is wolf who sends flowers.
+ -- Ruth Weston
+%
+A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch
+dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension.
+ -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
+%
+A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson
+%
+A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+A friend in need is a pest indeed.
+%
+A friend is a present you give yourself.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
+You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates
+lawyers more than he hates his wife.
+%
+A full belly makes a dull brain.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+
+ [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
+%
+A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other
+people's demands.
+%
+A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!
+%
+A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
+he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
+favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
+facts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet.
+His next biggest thrill is losing a bet.
+%
+A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained
+that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
+assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
+They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
+each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
+the engineer:
+
+Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
+Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
+ blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
+ electrical shock to the horse.
+G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
+Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
+ into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
+ cannot be detected in post-race tests.
+G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
+ I decide what to do. Physicist?
+
+Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
+%
+A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
+ducks.
+ -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
+%
+A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.
+ -- Evan Esar
+ [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.]
+%
+A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
+%
+A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
+A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
+But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_\bt_\bh_\ba_\bt _\bh_\ba_\bd _\bt_\bo _\bm_\be_\ba_\bn _\bs_\bo_\bm_\be_\bt_\bh_\bi_\bn_\bg*.
+ -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
+%
+A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.
+ -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
+%
+A girl's best friend is her mutter.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like
+a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
+%
+A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
+Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game.
+The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
+had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice
+firm tuft of grass.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in
+the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the
+rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between
+the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be
+penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such
+uncontrollable physical phenomena.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
+ -- Michel de Montaigne
+%
+A good memory does not equal pale ink.
+%
+A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone,
+all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
+ -- J. Hawes
+%
+A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
+ -- Patton
+%
+A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
+one-way street.
+ -- Doug Linder
+%
+A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
+into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
+hope of greening the landscape of idea.
+ -- John Ciardi
+%
+A good reputation is more valuable than money.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+A good scapegoat is hard to find.
+%
+A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
+%
+A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
+gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
+then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
+ -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
+%
+A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
+call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
+"That's dynamite, baby."
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
+you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
+you about yourself.
+ -- Lisa Kirk
+%
+A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
+the table after you eat.
+%
+A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
+ -- James Beard
+%
+A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
+to take it all away.
+ -- Barry Goldwater
+%
+A grammarian's life is always intense.
+%
+A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+A great many people think they are thinking
+when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
+ -- William James
+%
+A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest
+man a century.
+%
+A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
+green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
+grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
+indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
+bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
+with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
+of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down
+upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department
+store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several
+of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be
+properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of
+anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and
+geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul.
+ -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces"
+%
+A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals
+are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for
+not going to church on Sunday.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
+ -- Carolyn Wells
+%
+A guy has to get fresh once in a while
+so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
+%
+A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
+%
+A halted retreat
+Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
+To retain people as men -- and maidservants
+Brings good fortune.
+%
+A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
+%
+A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
+%
+A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
+%
+A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
+weight in other people's patience.
+ -- John Updike
+%
+A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:
+
+If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
+a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
+photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would
+you use?
+
+ -- Paul Harvey
+%
+A Hen Brooding Kittens
+ A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county,
+a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three
+kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring
+says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that
+she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young
+felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at
+her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings.
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861
+%
+A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
+%
+A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top
+of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+A holding company is a thing where you hand
+an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
+%
+A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
+ "Hello?" his friend answers.
+ "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
+ "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
+for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
+studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
+series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
+I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
+ "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
+%
+A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
+%
+A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
+%
+A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The
+Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
+ -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
+%
+A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't?
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+A hypothetical paradox:
+ What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team,
+who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial
+Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
+ -- Tom Galloway
+%
+A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
+C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
+E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
+G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
+I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
+K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
+M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui.
+O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
+Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
+S is for Susan who perished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits.
+U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
+W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice.
+Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
+ -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies"
+%
+A is for Apple.
+ -- Hester Pryne
+%
+A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
+B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
+C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
+D is for dd, the command that does all.
+E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
+F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
+G is for grep, a clever detective, while
+H is for halt, which may seem defective.
+I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
+J is for join, which nobody uses.
+K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
+L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
+M is for more, from which less was begot, and
+N is for nice, which it really is not.
+O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
+P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
+Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
+R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
+S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
+T is for true, which does very little.
+U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
+V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
+W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
+X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
+Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
+Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
+ -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
+%
+A joint is just tea for two.
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam.
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it;
+Earthen vessels
+Simply handed in through the window.
+There is certainly no blame in this.
+%
+A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a
+good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
+%
+A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
+%
+A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
+ -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
+%
+A king's castle is his home.
+%
+A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
+for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
+words are superfluous.
+%
+A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
+%
+A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
+ -- Lillian Day
+%
+A lady with one of her ears applied
+To an open keyhole heard, inside,
+Two female gossips in converse free --
+The subject engaging them was she.
+"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
+That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
+As soon as no more of it she could hear
+The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
+"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
+"To hear my character lied about!"
+ -- Gopete Sherany
+%
+A language that doesn't affect the way you
+think about programming is not worth knowing.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+A language that doesn't have everything is
+actually easier to program in than some that do.
+ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+A large number of installed systems work by fiat.
+That is, they work by being declared to work.
+ -- Anatol Holt
+%
+A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
+Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
+him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
+quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
+above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
+"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
+where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
+So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
+flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
+"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
+silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
+to the flypaper with all the other flies.
+
+Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
+ -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
+%
+A Law of Computer Programming:
+ Make it possible for programmers to write in English
+ and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
+%
+A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
+ -- Willis Player
+%
+A lie in time saves nine.
+%
+A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of
+trouble.
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson
+%
+A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
+%
+A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent.
+%
+A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
+%
+A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+A limerick packs laughs anatomical
+Into space that is quite economical.
+ But the good ones I've seen
+ So seldom are clean,
+And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
+%
+A LISP programmer knows the value of
+everything, but the cost of nothing.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
+ -- Donald E. Knuth
+%
+A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
+%
+A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
+ -- C. E. Ayres
+%
+A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
+ -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924)
+%
+A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
+right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you
+know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
+little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
+then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
+%
+A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
+have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
+those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
+the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix,
+APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
+with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
+%
+A little word of doubtful number,
+A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
+If you add an "s" to this,
+Great is the metamorphosis.
+Plural is plural now no more,
+And sweet what bitter was before.
+What am I?
+%
+A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
+%
+A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
+%
+A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
+Buy the negatives at any price.
+%
+A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
+%
+A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking,
+and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.
+ -- Lew Col
+%
+A major, with wonderful force,
+Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
+ All the flowers looked round,
+ But no horse could be found;
+So he just rhododendron, of course.
+%
+A man always remembers his first love with special
+tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After
+that it's cheating.
+ -- Yves Montand
+%
+A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
+ -- Du Bois
+%
+A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it.
+By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he
+was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out,
+ "Is anybody there?"
+A deep majestic voice answered,
+ "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?"
+ "Help me!!" cried the man.
+ "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and
+you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust."
+The man thought for a moment and cried out:
+ "Anybody ELSE up there?"
+%
+A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles
+in the road.
+ -- Alexander Smith
+%
+A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
+ -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
+%
+A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
+ -- Brendan Francis
+%
+A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
+man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
+whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
+water..."
+ "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
+with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
+ "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*."
+ "They're only four dollars apiece."
+ "I need *water*."
+ "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
+ "Please! I need *water*!", says the man.
+ "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
+and he heads off into the distance.
+ The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
+Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
+sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he
+staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
+ "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
+ "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
+%
+A man is known by the company he organizes.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart,
+He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.
+ -- Richard Thompson
+%
+A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
+bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
+%
+A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled,
+but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
+%
+A man may well bring a horse to the water,
+but he cannot make him drink with he will.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+A man of genius makes no mistakes.
+His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.
+ -- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
+%
+A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
+%
+A man said to the Universe:
+ "Sir, I exist!"
+ "However," replied the Universe,
+ "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
+ -- Stephen Crane
+%
+A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her
+some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
+he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
+might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
+her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
+her aid.
+ Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
+by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
+in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
+ "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset.
+ "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I
+just want to get my saddle back!"
+%
+A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
+he is able to answer.
+ -- Ronald Colman
+%
+A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
+late card games.
+ "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
+he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
+into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
+tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
+wakes up and gives me hell."
+ "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
+ "You do?"
+ "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
+stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say.
+`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
+ "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
+ "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends
+she's asleep."
+%
+A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly,
+ "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee,
+why did you Di......eeee"
+The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely,
+ "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now,
+carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."
+ "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee,
+why....eeeee did you.."
+ "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so?
+Tell, me who is buried here?"
+ "My wife's first husband."
+%
+A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either.
+ -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
+%
+A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn
+in no other way.
+%
+A man who fishes for marlin in ponds
+will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
+%
+A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
+%
+A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
+%
+A man with one watch knows what time it is.
+A man with two watches is never quite sure.
+%
+A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
+%
+A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
+destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
+turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
+would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
+ -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"
+%
+A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
+%
+A man's best friend is his dogma.
+%
+A man's gotta know his limitations.
+ -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
+%
+A man's house is his castle.
+ -- Sir Edward Coke
+%
+A man's house is his hassle.
+%
+A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
+ "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
+ "Why do I not see it for myself?"
+ "Because you are thinking of yourself."
+ "What about you: do you see it?"
+ "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
+on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
+ "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
+ "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
+who is the one that wants to see it?"
+%
+A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
+observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As
+they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
+ The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
+yet save her!!"
+ The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
+understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
+from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
+6 feet high."
+ The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
+%
+A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
+ -- P. Erdos
+%
+A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
+%
+A meeting is an event at which the
+minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
+%
+A memorandum is written not to inform the reader,
+but to protect the writer.
+ -- Dean Acheson
+%
+A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start,
+and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.
+ -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
+%
+A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
+on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
+game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
+pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
+along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
+heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
+around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
+direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
+paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
+colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
+fall over gently onto their backs.
+ -- Audubon Society Magazine
+
+[From the BBC, 2001-02-02:
+ For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
+monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx
+helicopters passed overhead.
+ "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
+said team leader Dr. Richard Stone.
+ "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
+calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
+with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
+really."
+ The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
+(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on
+king penguins.]
+%
+A mighty creature is the germ,
+Though smaller than the pachyderm.
+His customary dwelling place
+Is deep within the human race.
+His childish pride he often pleases
+By giving people strange diseases.
+Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
+You probably contain a germ.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
+%
+A modem is a baudy house.
+%
+A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery,
+is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.
+ -- Goldsmith
+%
+A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
+floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
+its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered,
+terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
+Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!"
+ Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
+children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
+and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
+proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
+ As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
+you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
+purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
+language?"
+%
+A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
+and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
+ -- Frost
+%
+A motion to adjourn is always in order.
+%
+A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in.
+%
+A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
+%
+A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
+%
+A musician, an artist, an architect:
+ the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
+ -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy"
+%
+A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
+%
+A national debt, if it is not excessive,
+will be to us a national blessing.
+ -- Alexander Hamilton
+%
+A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on
+loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
+the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe,"
+asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
+%
+A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
+discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
+still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
+same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
+3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
+ The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
+ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
+%
+A new koan:
+ If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
+ If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
+It is an ice cream koan.
+%
+A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
+Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit'
+now has no excuse for further procrastination.
+%
+A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
+had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
+come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
+catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
+the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
+it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
+in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
+ -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
+%
+A New Way of Taking Pills
+ A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and
+having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with
+small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks
+will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment.
+ -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861
+%
+A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
+rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
+%
+A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
+ -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer
+%
+A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
+"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
+ -- Mahatma Gandhi
+%
+A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question.
+
+"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked.
+
+The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be
+relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes
+before replying.
+
+"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else."
+
+With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved
+enlightenment, several years later.
+
+Commentary:
+
+His Master is kind,
+Answering his FAQ quickly,
+With thought and sarcasm.
+%
+A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
+%
+A pain in the ass of major dimensions.
+ -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
+%
+A Parable of Modern Research:
+
+ Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
+brightly lit corner.
+ "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
+ "I can only see here."
+%
+A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.
+ -- William S. Burroughs
+%
+A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
+%
+A penny saved has not been spent.
+%
+A penny saved is a penny taxed.
+%
+A penny saved is ridiculous.
+%
+A penny saved kills your career in government.
+%
+A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to
+govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures
+on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins
+itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and
+manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
+%
+A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry.
+%
+A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something.
+A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
+%
+A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well
+schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.
+ -- Donald E. Knuth
+%
+A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
+ -- George Wald
+%
+A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men
+gets out and goes into the office.
+ "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
+ "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
+ The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
+check."
+ Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
+truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
+acceptable.
+ "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
+ The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go
+check," he says.
+ He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
+conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
+"we're building a house".
+%
+A pig is a jolly companion,
+Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
+A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
+Though mountains may topple and tilt.
+When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
+When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
+Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
+You'll never go wrong with a pig!
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+A pipe gives a wise man time to think
+and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
+%
+A place for everything and everything in its place.
+ -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to memory management system services.]
+%
+A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.
+ -- Stanley Baldwin
+%
+A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques
+contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain
+edible nutriments.
+%
+A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
+%
+A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
+%
+A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard
+about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
+money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
+finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
+ "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
+ "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
+the teller says.
+ "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
+ "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
+to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
+ "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
+ "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
+paycheck?"
+ -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
+%
+A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom,
+but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.
+ -- Jean-Paul Sartre
+%
+A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
+%
+A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
+ -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra"
+%
+A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.
+Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
+But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+A prediction is worth twenty explanations.
+ -- K. Brecher
+%
+A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your
+last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something
+of yours to press against my heart.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
+Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
+%
+A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
+
+And he answered:
+
+It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
+
+It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
+
+It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
+upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
+to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
+
+And that is Fate? said the priest.
+
+Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
+
+That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
+too.
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
+ -- George Eliot
+%
+A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
+asks you not to kill him.
+ -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
+%
+A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
+%
+A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
+being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
+incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
+assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
+and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
+dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
+annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
+unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
+ -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
+%
+A programming language is low level
+when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
+%
+A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to
+drink with -- even if he drank.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a
+watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he
+looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his
+tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were
+they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led
+by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged,
+killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting
+could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle
+emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of
+the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions."
+%
+A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female
+by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions
+your wife asks you for nothing.
+ -- Joey Adams
+%
+A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
+your wife will give you for free.
+%
+A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
+too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
+was intended for her preservation.
+ -- Colton
+%
+A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
+"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
+the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
+to make a travesty of the game.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results
+blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.
+ -- Steel City News
+%
+A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the
+entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
+ -- Saul Alinsky
+%
+A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
+%
+A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
+his neighbor notice it.
+ -- Trygve Lie
+%
+A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
+A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
+%
+A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.
+ -- Overheard in an algebra lecture
+%
+A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
+ticket and rejoices that the system works.
+%
+A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
+objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
+scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration
+needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
+%
+A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to
+help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this
+out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my
+pub!"
+%
+A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
+people what to do with their money.
+ -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
+%
+A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
+ -- Ramsey Clark
+%
+A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
+not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
+rosewater.
+%
+A robin redbreast in a cage
+Puts all Heaven in a rage.
+ -- Blake
+%
+A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
+man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
+%
+A rolling stone gathers momentum.
+%
+A rolling stone gathers no moss.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who
+demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?"
+holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made.
+Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.
+ -- Plutarch
+%
+A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It
+weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a
+banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
+The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
+the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
+is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
+monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
+plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
+weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
+the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
+was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother
+will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
+as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
+was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
+when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana?
+%
+A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
+PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs,
+Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
+with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to
+joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
+drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
+up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
+good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not
+true. I'm very good in beds as well."
+%
+A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly.
+If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.
+ -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
+%
+A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
+%
+A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
+Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid.
+ -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway"
+
+I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
+ -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind
+ the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down
+ on Broadway".
+%
+A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
+vocation?"
+ The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
+their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
+the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
+such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
+their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
+the vocation must fit the individual.
+ "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
+scholar sobbed.
+ Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
+%
+A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
+making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
+die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
+ -- Max Planck
+%
+A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from
+the vexation of thinking.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
+%
+A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
+of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
+water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
+of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
+
+It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
+recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the
+ground.
+ -- J. W. N. Sullivan
+%
+A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep
+him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are
+worth committing.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+A Severe Strain on the Credulity
+ As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the
+highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
+is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the
+multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt...
+for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its
+flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the
+charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in
+Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not
+know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something
+better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to
+lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
+ -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
+%
+A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist
+thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the
+problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male
+aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy
+away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's
+participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility
+will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to
+men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to
+idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by
+the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own
+submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to
+is to substitute moral outrage for analysis.
+ -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love"
+%
+A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
+ -- Prof. Steiner
+%
+A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
+ -- Joseph Stalin
+%
+A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
+All tenderly his messenger he chose;
+Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
+One perfect rose.
+
+I knew the language of the floweret;
+"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
+Love long has taken for his amulet
+One perfect rose.
+
+Why is it no one ever sent me yet
+One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
+Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
+One perfect rose.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
+%
+A sinking ship gathers no moss.
+ -- Donald Kaul
+%
+A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
+%
+A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
+%
+A snake lurks in the grass.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North
+African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking.
+Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
+%
+A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family,
+the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society
+which is on its way out.
+ -- L. Ron Hubbard
+%
+A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.
+ -- Proverbs 15:1
+%
+A soft drink turneth away company.
+%
+A song in time is worth a dime.
+%
+A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the
+family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks
+when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem,
+and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks:
+ "How are you?" they ask.
+ "Oh, I'm fine," he says.
+ "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?"
+ "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here
+that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause
+he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand
+dollars."
+ The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary
+Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue
+at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure
+enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is
+"Where's Old Blue?"
+ "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was
+talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue,
+well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her
+that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these
+years?'"
+ The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?"
+%
+A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
+%
+A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high
+probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that
+the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low.
+Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
+%
+A stitch in time saves nine.
+%
+A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
+ -- O'Henry
+%
+A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
+bad measures.
+ -- Daniel Webster
+%
+A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt.
+As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the
+student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before
+the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit
+the student with a stick.
+%
+A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
+%
+A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
+undreamed of by its author.
+ -- S. C. Johnson
+%
+A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
+thought of.
+ -- Burt Bacharach
+%
+A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
+Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
+other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
+new versions of their own innards!
+ -- Michael O'Brien
+%
+A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
+ -- by Charles Dickens
+
+ A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
+
+The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
+ -- by Franz Kafka
+
+ A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
+
+Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
+ -- by J. R. R. Tolkien
+
+ Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
+
+Hamlet LITE(tm)
+ -- by William Shakespeare
+
+ A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
+ girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
+%
+A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
+ -- by Charles Dickens
+
+ A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
+ like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
+ lady who knits.
+
+Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
+ -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
+
+ A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
+ feels guilty and apologizes.
+
+The Odyssey LITE(tm)
+ -- by Homer
+
+ After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
+%
+A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
+%
+A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
+%
+A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
+ -- Michael Winner, British film director
+%
+A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
+of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
+*Boston*."
+ "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
+ "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for
+help?"
+%
+A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H."
+%
+A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
+ -- Diane Duane
+%
+A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
+and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+A transistor protected by a fast-acting
+fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
+%
+A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
+wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
+Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
+sitting in the yard watching the pig.
+ "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
+ "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
+was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
+pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
+ "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
+ "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
+the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
+That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
+Saved my life."
+ "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
+three wooden legs?"
+ The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
+got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
+%
+A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
+triangle.
+%
+A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
+drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art.
+ -- Shaw
+%
+A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%
+A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%
+A truth that's told with bad intent
+Beats all the lies you can invent.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+A university is what a college becomes
+when the faculty loses interest in students.
+ -- John Ciardi
+%
+A University without students is like an ointment without a fly.
+ -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
+%
+A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
+Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
+ She found a good way
+ To combine work and play:
+She sells C shells by the seashore.
+%
+A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
+than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
+ -- Tennessee Williams
+%
+A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
+ -- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+A violent man will die a violent death.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
+%
+A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
+%
+A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
+%
+A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
+ -- Ziggy
+%
+A watched clock never boils.
+%
+A well adjusted person is one who makes
+the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
+%
+A well-known friend is a treasure.
+%
+A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
+A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant.
+Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
+Software rots if not used.
+
+These are great mysteries.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+A wise man can see more from a mountain top
+than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
+%
+A wise man can see more from the bottom
+of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
+%
+A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+A witty saying proves nothing.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
+people's attention.
+%
+A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
+let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
+there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
+completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
+beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
+It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
+near your person at all times.
+ -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
+%
+A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it
+were quite a struggle.
+ -- Edna Ferber
+%
+A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how.
+To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.
+ -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
+%
+A woman, especially if she have the misfortune
+of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.
+ -- Jane Austen
+%
+A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her,
+she follows.
+ -- Chamfort
+%
+A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
+it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet,
+and stupid.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither
+physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even
+when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."
+ -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
+%
+A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.
+ -- Maurine Lewis
+%
+A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor
+came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
+ "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
+ "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son
+(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head."
+ Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no
+one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
+a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
+the circumstances.
+ One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
+phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
+an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
+his head!"
+ The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
+up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
+surprise for you!"
+ "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
+%
+A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
+Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
+%
+A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.
+ -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
+%
+A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
+%
+A word to the wise is enough.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing
+that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
+watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm
+myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
+and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?"
+"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
+to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
+%
+A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call
+what he writes fiction.
+ -- William Faulkner
+%
+A yawn is a silent shout.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
+%
+A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new
+bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk."
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860
+%
+A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted
+a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to
+have that!" she gushed.
+ "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the
+window and grabbing the ring.
+ A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What
+I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.
+ "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing
+the coat.
+ Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do
+anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.
+ "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"
+%
+A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and
+walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous
+woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and
+says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll
+allow me, I'd like to buy it for you."
+ The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some
+pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story.
+ "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?"
+ "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that
+I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it."
+ The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures,
+calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks
+at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I
+can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?"
+ "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out
+of the store with the woman following him in a daze.
+ The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter.
+The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell
+you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds."
+ "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a
+terrific weekend."
+%
+A young man wrote to Mozart and said:
+
+Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
+ suggestions as to how to get started?"
+A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
+ some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
+Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
+A: "But I never asked anybody how."
+%
+AA\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\a\aAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
+You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
+%
+Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
+%
+Abbott's Admonitions:
+ 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
+ 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked
+ the question.
+ -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
+%
+Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went
+on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
+%
+Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
+Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
+And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
+Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
+An angel writing in a book of gold.
+Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
+And to the presence in the room he said,
+"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head,
+And with a look made of all sweet accord,
+Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
+"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
+Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
+But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
+Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
+The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
+It came again with a great wakening light,
+And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
+And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
+ -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"
+%
+About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
+%
+About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
+%
+About the only thing we have left that actually
+discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
+%
+About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
+ -- Herbert Hoover
+%
+About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
+ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Above all else - sky.
+%
+Above all things, reverence yourself.
+%
+Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C.
+%
+Abscond, v.:
+ To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
+ and miss the return train.
+%
+Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
+great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
+%
+Absence in love is like water upon fire;
+a little quickens, but much extinguishes it.
+ -- Hannah More
+%
+Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small,
+it enkindles the great.
+%
+Absence makes the heart forget.
+%
+Absence makes the heart go wander.
+%
+Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
+ -- Sextus Aurelius
+%
+Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
+%
+Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
+%
+Absent, adj.:
+ Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
+slandered.
+%
+Absentee, n.:
+ A person with an income who has had the forethought
+ to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.)
+ -- Stafford Beer
+%
+Abstainer, n.:
+ A weak person who yields to the
+ temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Abstract:
+ This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group
+of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar
+and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar
+men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than
+their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was
+evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF
+test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual
+performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve
+immediately when tight neckwear was removed.
+ -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the
+ Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29,
+ #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71.
+%
+Absurdity, n.:
+ A statement or belief manifestly
+ inconsistent with one's own opinion.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
+because the stakes are so low.
+ -- Wallace Sayre
+%
+Academicians care, that's who.
+%
+ACADEMY:
+ A modern school where football is taught.
+INSTITUTE:
+ An archaic school where football is not taught.
+%
+Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
+%
+Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
+%
+ACCEPTANCE TESTING:
+ An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
+%
+Accident, n.:
+ A condition in which presence of mind is good,
+ but absence of body is better.
+ -- Foolish Dictionary
+%
+Accidentally Shot
+ Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago,
+in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to
+bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the
+Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead.
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861
+%
+Accidents cause History.
+
+If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
+Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
+have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
+could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
+the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
+everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the
+national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
+smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
+most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
+that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for
+Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
+parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
+decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
+a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
+sheepish grin" comes from.
+%
+According to all the latest reports,
+there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
+%
+According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
+shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
+fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
+of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
+the returns."
+%
+According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold,
+and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms
+and a void.
+ -- Democritus, 400 B.C.
+%
+According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
+ -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
+%
+According to the latest official figures,
+43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
+%
+According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
+dies.
+%
+According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
+America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
+Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
+beat up their city anytime.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Accordion, n.:
+ A bagpipe with pleats.
+%
+Accuracy, n.:
+ The vice of being right.
+%
+Acid -- better living through chemistry.
+%
+Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality.
+%
+Acquaintance, n.:
+ A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well
+ enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the
+ object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
+%
+Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh
+and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh,
+well, I think of my sex life.
+ -- Glenda Jackson
+%
+Actor Real Name
+
+Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt
+Cary Grant Archibald Leach
+Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg
+Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman
+John Wayne Marion Morrison
+Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch
+Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr.
+Roy Rogers Leonard Slye
+Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg
+%
+Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
+ everyone glued in their seats!"
+Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
+ it!"
+%
+Actor: So what do you do for a living?
+Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
+ dishes for Chinese restaurants.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
+%
+Actresses will happen in the best regulated families.
+ -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford,
+ "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905
+%
+Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
+%
+Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
+will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
+
+N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
+ only have one floor to go to.
+
+Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
+ If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
+ induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
+ and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore,
+ it is true for all N+1 floors.
+QED.
+%
+Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
+%
+ADA:
+ Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
+ Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
+ an ADA awareness.
+ -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
+%
+Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit.
+[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.]
+ -- Ovid
+%
+Adding features does not necessarily increase
+functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
+%
+Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
+
+Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
+close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
+scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
+ -- George Washington (1732-1799)
+%
+Adding sound to movies would be like
+putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo.
+ -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925
+%
+Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done
+something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a
+decorous age.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Adler's Distinction:
+ Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
+ and from the bureaucrats.
+%
+Admiration, n.:
+ Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Adolescence, n.:
+ The stage between puberty and adultery.
+%
+Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
+like you ...
+ -- Gilda Radner
+%
+Adore, v.:
+ To venerate expectantly.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Adult, n.:
+ One old enough to know better.
+%
+Adults die young.
+%
+Advancement in position.
+%
+Advertisements contain the only
+truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
+way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
+ -- Sinclair Lewis
+%
+Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
+ -- George Orwell
+%
+Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
+intelligence long enough to get money from it.
+%
+Advertising Rule:
+ In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
+ reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
+ that it is curable.
+%
+Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
+%
+Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
+%
+Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
+then at least be aseptic.
+%
+African violet: Such worth is rare
+Apple blossom: Preference
+Bachelor's button: Celibacy
+Bay leaf: I change but in death
+Camellia: Reflected loveliness
+Chrysanthemum, red: I love
+Chrysanthemum, white: Truth
+Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love
+Clover: Be mine
+Crocus: Abuse not
+Daffodil: Innocence
+Forget-me-not: True love
+Fuchsia: Fast
+Gardenia: Secret, untold love
+Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
+Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
+Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
+Leaves (dead): Melancholy
+Lilac: Youthful innocence
+Lily: Purity, sweetness
+Lily of the valley: Return of happiness
+Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance
+ * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
+%
+After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European
+comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited,
+except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything
+is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union,
+under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is
+permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted,
+especially that which is prohibited.
+ -- Newton Minow, 1985,
+ Speech to the Association of American Law Schools
+%
+After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
+It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
+more advanced than the lichen family.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
+%
+After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
+%
+After a while you learn the subtle difference
+Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
+And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
+And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
+And presents aren't promises
+And you begin to accept your defeats
+With your head up and your eyes open,
+With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
+And you learn to build all your roads
+On today because tomorrow's ground
+Is too uncertain. And futures have
+A way of falling down in midflight,
+After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
+So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
+For someone to bring you flowers.
+And you learn that you really can endure...
+That you really are strong,
+And you really do have worth
+And you learn and learn
+With every goodbye you learn.
+ -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
+%
+After all, all he did was string together
+a lot of old, well-known quotations.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
+%
+After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
+%
+After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
+ -- Jean Giraudoux
+%
+After all my erstwhile dear,
+My no longer cherished,
+Need we say it was not love,
+Just because it perished?
+ -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
+%
+After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for
+you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
+sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
+ -- P. J. O'Rourke
+%
+After an instrument has been assembled,
+extra components will be found on the bench.
+%
+After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
+month than you did before.
+%
+After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names
+have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
+James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
+electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this
+is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg
+of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even
+though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway.
+Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian
+medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been
+seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and
+watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
+that it sinks like a stone.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
+claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
+in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
+bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
+judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
+ When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
+Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
+this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
+take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
+perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
+ "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to
+Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
+where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
+%
+After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
+the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
+cost to others, to win advancement.
+ -- Norman Thomas
+%
+After living in New York, you trust nobody,
+but you believe everything. Just in case.
+%
+...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
+Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
+I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
+and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
+Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they
+did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
+development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
+one foot in his mouth.)
+ -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
+%
+After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box.
+ -- Italian proverb
+%
+After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
+by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
+with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers
+carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
+ -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
+%
+After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
+cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
+%
+After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that
+throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey
+Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
+at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for
+his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject
+with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions
+that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in
+Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the
+first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on
+single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil.
+According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on
+the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic
+charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
+ -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
+
+Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
+precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
+Nobel Prize in 1923.
+%
+After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
+the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
+the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
+any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried
+deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page...
+
+The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The
+Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
+But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
+or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
+burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the
+neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an
+oriental woman who seemed to be in control."
+
+Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and
+straight to the point.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is,
+indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
+%
+After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
+%
+Afternoon, n.:
+ That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
+morning.
+%
+Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
+%
+Against Idleness and Mischief
+
+How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell!
+Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax!
+And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well
+From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes.
+
+In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play,
+I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed,
+For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day
+For idle hands to do. Some good account at last.
+ -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748)
+%
+Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.
+ -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
+%
+Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
+%
+Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Age is a tyrant who forbids,
+at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
+%
+Age, n.:
+ That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
+ still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the
+ enterprise to commit.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Agnes' Law:
+ Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
+%
+Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
+%
+Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
+Or what's a heaven for ?
+ -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
+%
+Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
+there's the rub.
+
+For all dreams are not equal,
+some exit to nightmare
+most end with the dreamer
+
+But at least one must be lived ... and died.
+%
+Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
+"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
+And I answer them most mysteriously:
+"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
+%
+Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
+%
+Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
+%
+"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
+Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
+that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
+unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
+up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
+ -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
+%
+Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
+%
+Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It
+excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
+%
+Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.
+ -- W. Clement Stone
+%
+Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing.
+ -- The Mad Dogtender
+%
+Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but
+bring me a message from a young man.
+ -- Moms Mabley
+%
+Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to
+Kansas City.
+ -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd
+ been traded
+%
+Air Force Inertia Axiom:
+ Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
+%
+Air is water with holes in it.
+%
+Air, n.:
+ A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
+ the fattening of the poor.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
+%
+Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
+ -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
+ Ecole Superieure de Guerre
+%
+Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
+ -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
+%
+Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
+machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
+as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
+%
+Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
+ -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
+%
+ALASKA:
+ A prelude to "No."
+%
+Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself
+or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has
+a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and
+Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
+telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
+York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
+And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
+receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
+%
+ALBRECHT'S LAW:
+ Social innovations tend to the level
+ of minimum tolerable well-being.
+%
+Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions.
+The surest poison is time.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
+%
+Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Alden's Laws:
+ (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
+ of pregnancy.
+ (2) Always be backlit.
+ (3) Sit down whenever possible.
+%
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer,
+ You take one down, and pass it around,
+Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
+%
+Alex Haley was adopted!
+%
+Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well
+in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
+%
+Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
+the closest our country has ever been to being even.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
+ -- Philippe Schnoebelen
+%
+Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most
+important programming language yet developed.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+ALGORITHM:
+ Trendy dance for hip programmers.
+%
+Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
+%
+Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
+them keeps paying for it.
+ -- Peggy Joyce
+%
+Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
+ -- Arthur Baer
+%
+Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.
+ -- Norman Mailer
+%
+Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
+%
+Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est.
+%
+Alive without breath,
+As cold as death;
+Never thirsty, ever drinking,
+All in mail ever clinking.
+%
+All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
+%
+All art is but imitation of nature.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
+ -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
+ Catiline", by Sallust
+%
+All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
+than others.
+ -- Alan Truscott
+%
+All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+All constants are variables.
+%
+All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
+ -- Chou En Lai
+%
+All extremists should be taken out and shot.
+%
+All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
+without thinking.
+%
+All flesh is grass.
+ -- Isaiah 40:6
+Smoke a friend today.
+%
+All generalizations are false, including this one.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact,
+barely presentable.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+All Gods were immortal.
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+All great discoveries are made by mistake.
+ -- Young
+%
+All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
+%
+All heiresses are beautiful.
+ -- John Dryden
+%
+All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky,
+to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.
+ -- Yoda
+%
+All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
+ -- Dante Alighieri
+%
+All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
+%
+All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
+importance.
+%
+All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
+ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
+ -- Kingfish
+%
+All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
+makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
+an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
+ -- Samuel Beckett
+%
+All I need to have a good time,
+Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
+With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
+A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
+
+All I want is to never grow old,
+I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
+I want 97 kilos already rolled,
+I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
+
+I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
+I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
+I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
+I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
+ -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
+%
+All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+All intelligent species own cats.
+%
+All is fear in love and war.
+%
+All is well that ends well.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the
+throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be
+practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie
+Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers
+that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think,
+that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot.
+%
+All kings is mostly rapscallions.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+All laws are simulations of reality.
+ -- John C. Lilly
+%
+All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
+ -- Richard Dawkins
+%
+All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
+Socrates.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+All men have the right to wait in line.
+%
+All men know the utility of useful things;
+but they do not know the utility of futility.
+ -- Chuang Tzu
+%
+All men profess honesty as long as they can.
+To believe all men honest would be folly.
+To believe none so is something worse.
+ -- John Quincy Adams
+%
+All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car,
+a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog.
+Definitely a dog.
+%
+All most people ask of life is a constant
+and exaggerated sense of their own importance.
+%
+All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
+%
+All my friends and I are crazy.
+That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
+%
+All my friends are getting married,
+Yes, they're all growing old,
+They're all staying home on the weekend,
+They're all doing what they're told.
+%
+All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
+ -- Jane Wagner
+%
+ALL NEW:
+ Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
+%
+All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from
+the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded.
+%
+All of the animals except man know that
+the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
+%
+All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
+synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
+rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
+of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon"
+%
+All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
+Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
+tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
+"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
+ -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
+%
+All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
+the United States.
+ -- Vic Gold
+%
+All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
+parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you
+can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do
+not use a hammer.
+ -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
+%
+All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+All phone calls are obscene.
+ -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
+%
+All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.
+ -- Susan Sontag
+%
+All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
+%
+All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts
+those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds
+of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end
+goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger,
+and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works,
+the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found
+the last bug."
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
+%
+All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
+%
+All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism
+to live beyond its income.
+ -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
+%
+All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
+ -- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+All seems condemned in the long run
+to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.
+ -- James Martin
+%
+All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
+ -- Saint Patrick
+%
+All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
+%
+All that glitters has a high refractive index.
+%
+All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
+%
+All that is gold does not glitter,
+Not all those who wander are lost;
+The old that is strong does not wither,
+Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
+From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
+A light from the shadows shall spring;
+Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
+The crownless again shall be king.
+ -- J. R. R. Tolkien
+%
+All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
+too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
+subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
+can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
+Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
+decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
+if it rains?"
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+All the evidence concerning the universe
+has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
+%
+All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg,
+It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen
+With all the words gone, They all had their day
+What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin'
+
+But of all the words written The bird is a strange one,
+And all the lines read, So small and so tender
+There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown,
+And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender.
+
+It reminds me of days of So what is this line
+Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown
+It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle
+And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown?
+
+I've read all the greats
+Both starving and fat,
+But none was as great as
+"I tot I taw a puddy tat."
+ -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood"
+%
+All the men on my staff can type.
+ -- Bella Abzug
+%
+...all the modern inconveniences...
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
+ridiculous ones.
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
+%
+All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
+ -- Grant Wood
+%
+All the simple programs have been written.
+%
+All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
+the government in less than a second.
+ -- Jim Fiebig
+%
+All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
+%
+All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed.
+ -- Sean O'Casey
+%
+All the world's a VAX,
+And all the coders merely butchers;
+They have their exits and their entrails;
+And one int in his time plays many widths,
+His sizeof being _\bN bytes. At first the infant,
+Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
+And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
+And shining morning face, creeping like slug
+Unwillingly to school.
+ -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
+%
+All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
+and all theoretical chemists know it.
+ -- Richard P. Feynman
+%
+All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
+%
+All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
+%
+All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
+%
+All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money,
+it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.
+ -- Henry Tyroon
+%
+All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
+%
+All warranty and guarantee clauses
+become null and void upon payment of invoice.
+%
+All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
+infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
+which he was born.
+ -- Francois Fenelon
+%
+All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each
+other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information.
+This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with
+our lives."
+ -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
+%
+All who joy would win Must share it --
+Happiness was born a twin.
+ -- Lord Byron
+%
+All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul.
+%
+All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
+upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
+visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
+informing, stimulating and ennobling.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Allen's Axiom:
+ When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+Alliance, n.:
+ In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
+ their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
+ cannot separately plunder a third.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+All's well that ends.
+%
+Almost anything derogatory you could say
+about today's software design would be accurate.
+ -- K. E. Iverson
+%
+Alone, adj.:
+ In bad company.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had
+to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
+%
+alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify.
+ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question.
+baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks.
+Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts.
+baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards.
+beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often
+ found in baas.
+caaa, n: An automobile.
+centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or
+ someone involved with the Knicks.)
+chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base.
+dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or
+ computation.
+ -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
+%
+Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
+Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for
+buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham
+Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that
+reason. He knows it because he fired the guy.
+ "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I
+bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says.
+"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'"
+ -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989
+%
+Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
+%
+Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
+mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
+any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
+to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
+Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
+serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
+same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
+that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
+penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
+running the post office.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
+reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day
+life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor
+minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the
+apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties
+of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade
+through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour
+those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this
+reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
+Gamekeeping."
+ -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
+%
+Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
+%
+Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
+%
+Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
+%
+Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
+ -- Jimmy Hoffa
+%
+Always store beer in a dark place.
+%
+Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
+%
+Always there remain portions of our heart
+into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may.
+%
+Always think of something new; this
+helps you forget your last rotten idea.
+ -- Seth Frankel
+%
+Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
+that way.
+%
+Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
+%
+AMAZING BUT TRUE...
+ If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to
+ end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
+%
+AMAZING BUT TRUE...
+ There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
+ were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
+%
+Ambidextrous, adj.:
+ Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+AMBIGUITY:
+ Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
+%
+Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
+ -- Charlie McCarthy
+%
+Ambition, n.:
+ An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
+ living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+America: born free and taxed to death.
+%
+America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
+ -- Allen Ginsberg
+%
+America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
+and the scum rises to the top.
+ -- Utah Phillips
+%
+America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
+ -- President John F. Kennedy
+
+The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
+be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
+living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
+Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson
+
+The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
+from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
+to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
+Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
+of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
+by the majority they were at the time.
+ -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
+%
+America is the country where you buy a lifetime
+supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
+%
+America may be unique in being a country which has leapt
+from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
+ -- John O'Hara
+%
+America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until
+people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its
+name to "America".
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
+%
+American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
+employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
+employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
+between the men's room and the women's room without having little
+pictures on the doors.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
+%
+American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
+%
+American cars are made shoddily...
+Cars made overseas are far superior.
+ -- Barry Goldwater
+%
+[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
+we allow them short of hanging.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+
+America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
+tail it knocks over a chair.
+ -- Arnold Toynbee
+
+The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
+everybody and still nobody likes him.
+ -- Jim Samuels
+%
+Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
+%
+Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out
+to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
+ -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
+%
+America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
+%
+Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
+%
+AMOEBIT:
+ Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply
+ and divide at the same time.
+%
+Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman.
+ -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407)
+%
+Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
+%
+An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
+ -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
+%
+An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
+ -- Marlon Brando
+%
+An Ada exception is when a routine gets
+in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty."
+%
+An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
+%
+An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
+people refuse to see it.
+ -- James Michener, "Space"
+%
+An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
+his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and
+asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
+ Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
+%
+An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
+ -- Dylan Thomas
+%
+An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
+ -- Donald E. Knuth
+%
+An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
+to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
+ -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
+%
+An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment
+to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to
+and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
+ -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English
+ language.
+%
+An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
+ -- A Chinese child
+%
+An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
+winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that
+over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
+open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
+let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh,
+ "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
+do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --"
+Bohr chuckled.
+ "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am
+scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told
+that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
+%
+An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
+about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.
+
+American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you
+ get to work?"
+Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public
+ transportation everywhere."
+A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?"
+R: "We take the train."
+A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
+R: "We don't ever want go abroad."
+A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
+R: "We take tanks."
+%
+An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize
+the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
+%
+An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New
+Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not
+new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+An aphorism is never exactly true;
+it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
+ -- Karl Kraus
+%
+An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat
+him last.
+ -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
+%
+An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
+%
+An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
+%
+An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
+%
+An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
+%
+An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+An attachment a la Plato
+for a bashful young potato
+or a, not too French, french bean
+must excite your languid spleen.
+For, if you walk down Picadilly
+with a poppy or lily
+in your medieval hand,
+every one will say,
+as you walk your flowery way;
+"If this young man is content,
+with a vegetable love
+which would certainly not content me.
+Why, what a very pure young man
+this pure young man must be!"
+ -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience"
+ [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde]
+%
+An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
+murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's
+mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border.
+Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the
+suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a
+murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..."
+%
+An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
+really care to know.
+%
+An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
+%
+An economist is a man who would marry
+Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
+%
+An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson
+%
+An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
+%
+An efficient and a successful administration manifests
+itself equally in small as in great matters.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
+in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.
+ -- Homer Ferguson
+%
+An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
+when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When
+several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
+despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
+usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
+ "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
+barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
+I've already paid them half of it."
+ "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
+euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!"
+%
+An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
+%
+An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
+anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
+already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the
+engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later
+the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
+has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the
+mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
+was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
+humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
+trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
+%
+An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
+%
+An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
+summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
+arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
+responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
+%
+An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
+ -- A. P. Herbert
+%
+An evil mind is a great comfort.
+%
+An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears
+a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
+only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
+Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
+incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
+excellence:
+
+"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
+discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
+to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
+things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
+parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
+timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
+doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
+Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
+school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
+successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
+they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
+%
+...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often
+picturesque liar.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a
+very narrow field.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
+as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
+ -- Benjamin Stolberg
+%
+An expert is one who knows more and more about less
+and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything.
+%
+An eye in a blue face
+Saw an eye in a green face.
+"That eye is like this eye"
+Said the first eye,
+"But in low place,
+Not in high place."
+%
+An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort
+Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport.
+A manly man, to be a wizard able;
+Many a protected file he had sitting on his table.
+His console, when he typed, a man might hear
+Clicking and feeping wind as clear,
+Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell
+Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell.
+The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor
+As old and strict he tended to ignore;
+He let go by the things of yesterday
+And took the modern world's more spacious way.
+He did not rate that text as a plucked hen
+Which says that Hackers are not holy men.
+And that a hacker underworked is a mere
+Fish out of water, flapping on the pier.
+That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister.
+That was a text he held not worth an oyster.
+And I agreed and said his views were sound;
+Was he to study till his head wend round
+Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil
+As Andy bade and till the very soil?
+Was he to leave the world upon the shelf?
+Let Andy have his labor to himself!
+ -- Chaucer
+ [well, almost. Ed.]
+%
+An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
+ -- Simon Cameron
+
+There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When
+bought they stay bought.
+ -- Bill Moyers
+%
+An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
+eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
+possible.
+ -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
+%
+An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
+%
+An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
+ -- Henry Ford
+%
+An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
+%
+An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
+is to allow oneself to be devoured.
+ -- Konrad Adenauer
+%
+An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.
+ -- Albert Camus
+%
+An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if
+each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the
+function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated
+by the corresponding row and column labels.
+ -- Genesereth & Nilsson,
+ "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence"
+%
+An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and
+great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of
+a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors
+have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four
+hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming
+of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel."
+ "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured.
+"Grandmother is baking strudel right now."
+ A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of
+strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world."
+ One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old
+man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed.
+ "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers.
+ "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the
+funeral."
+%
+An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
+A pessimist is a married optimist.
+%
+An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
+%
+An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition.
+ -- Michael Korda
+%
+An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
+ -- Spanish proverb
+%
+An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.
+%
+Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
+government at all.
+%
+And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
+was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
+Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
+That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
+I've worried and worried and worried away.
+Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
+I've worried about it with all of my heart.
+
+"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
+the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
+UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
+nothing is going to get better - it's not.
+So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall.
+"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all!
+
+"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
+And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
+Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
+Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
+Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
+Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
+ -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax"
+%
+And as we stand on the edge of darkness
+Let our chant fill the void
+That others may know
+
+ In the land of the night
+ The ship of the sun
+ Is drawn by
+ The grateful dead.
+ -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
+%
+And did those feet, in ancient times,
+Walk upon England's mountains green?
+And was the Holy Lamb of God
+In England's pleasant pastures seen?
+And did the Countenance Divine
+Shine forth upon these crowded hills?
+And was Jerusalem builded here
+Among these dark satanic mills?
+
+Bring me my bow of burning gold!
+Bring me my arrows of desire!
+Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold!
+Bring me my chariot of fire!
+I shall not cease from mental fight,
+Nor shall my sword rest in my hand,
+Till we have built Jerusalem
+In England's green and pleasant land.
+ -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
+%
+And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
+%
+And ever has it been known that
+love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
+ -- Kahlil Gibran
+%
+And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
+"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
+to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
+greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
+spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
+he shouted out, "YOPP!"
+ And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
+Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
+They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
+I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their
+whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
+ "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now
+on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect
+them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From
+the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
+them. No matter how small-ish!"
+ -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
+%
+And here I wait so patiently
+Waiting to find out what price
+You have to pay to get out of
+Going thru all of these things twice
+ -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
+%
+And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
+%
+And I heard Jeff exclaim,
+As they strolled out of sight,
+"Merry Christmas to all --
+You take credit cards, right?"
+ -- "Outsiders" comic
+%
+And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
+ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The
+little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
+them, aren't braced against them.
+ -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
+%
+And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free!
+My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez
+Addams -- he was good for nothing."
+ -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
+%
+And if California slides into the ocean,
+Like the mystics and statistics say it will.
+I predict this motel will be standing,
+Until I've paid my bill.
+ -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
+%
+And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee,
+"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy!
+%
+And if you wonder,
+What I am doing,
+As I am heading for the sink.
+I am spitting out all the bitterness,
+Along with half of my last drink.
+%
+And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead,
+Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead.
+ -- Joan Baez
+%
+And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
+what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
+ -- David Jones
+%
+And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+And miles to go before I sleep.
+%
+And now for something completely the same.
+%
+And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty
+And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines,
+The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts,
+And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs.
+
+We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence
+The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb,
+But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover,
+Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged-
+
+Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage
+And code in a queue Have been biding their time,
+Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs,
+We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme.
+
+Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
+We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
+Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
+You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
+ hand...
+%
+And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
+%
+And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
+%
+And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
+your own.
+ -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
+ Preposterous Words
+%
+...and report cards I was always afraid to show
+Mama'd come to school
+and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
+Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
+Got a good head if he'd apply it
+but you know yourself
+it's always somewhere else
+I'd build me a castle
+with dragons and kings
+and I'd ride off with them
+As I stood by my window
+and looked out on those
+Brooklyn roads
+ -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
+%
+And so it was, later,
+As the miller told his tale,
+That her face, at first just ghostly,
+Turned a whiter shade of pale.
+ -- Procol Harum
+%
+And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
+fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
+looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
+approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
+is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
+of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
+gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
+procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
+youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
+Orson Welles.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
+%
+And that's the way it is...
+ -- Walter Cronkite
+%
+And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence,
+turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed,
+the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no
+clothes! He is naked!"
+ -- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
+%
+And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
+black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
+penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
+white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
+growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
+ -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"
+%
+And the silence came surging softly backwards
+When the plunging hooves were gone...
+ -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners"
+%
+And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
+with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
+%
+And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
+rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
+which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
+in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
+ -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
+%
+And this is good old Boston,
+The home of the bean and the cod,
+Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots,
+And the Cabots talk only to God.
+%
+And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
+ -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
+%
+And we heard him exclaim
+As he started to roam:
+"I'm a hologram, kids,
+please don't try this at home!'"
+ -- Bob Violence
+%
+And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
+ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
+Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
+economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
+give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
+of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
+exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
+and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
+without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long
+afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
+loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
+engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
+shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
+ -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
+%
+And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
+ She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
+ Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
+ All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
+ -- The Grateful Dead
+%
+And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to
+have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon
+the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let
+loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price:
+in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest
+license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value.
+ -- Charles Dickens
+%
+And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a
+sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy,
+and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to
+face, we have politics.
+ -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland,
+ "Root Crops and Ground Cover"
+%
+And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
+because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
+%
+"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
+you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
+and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said
+he, earnestly.
+ -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
+%
+Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes.
+Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _\bn_\be_\be_\bd_\bs heroes.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo"
+%
+Andrea's Admonition:
+ Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
+ If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
+ it isn't and he can.
+%
+ANDROPHOBIA:
+ Fear of men.
+%
+Angels we have heard on High
+Tell us to go out and Buy.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Anger is momentary madness.
+ -- Horace
+%
+Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
+%
+Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen.
+Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Ankh if you love Isis.
+%
+Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!
+
+Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!
+
+Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
+just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs,
+cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
+at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
+think you can, and that's the point, right?)
+%
+Anoint, v.:
+ To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
+ slippery.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Another day, another dollar.
+ -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley,
+ upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald
+ Reagan.
+%
+Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build
+and nobody wants to do maintenance.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus"
+%
+Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Another megabytes the dust.
+%
+Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
+television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
+and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
+offers whiter teeth *_\ba_\bn_\bd* fresher breath.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
+%
+Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
+ -- Pyrrhus
+%
+Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.
+ -- Proverbs 26:5
+%
+Anthony's Law of Force:
+ Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
+%
+Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
+ Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
+ corner of the workshop.
+
+Corollary:
+ On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
+ your toes.
+%
+Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
+Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
+%
+Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
+%
+Antonio Antonio
+Was tired of living alonio
+He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
+Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio
+Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid
+ In a bowery shade,
+ Sitting and knitting alonio.
+Antonio Antonio
+Said if you will be my ownio
+I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio
+And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio
+An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish
+ You singular fish
+ Is that you will quickly begonio.
+Antonio Antonio
+Uttered a dismal moanio
+And went off and hid
+Or I'm told that he did
+In the Antarctical Zonio.
+%
+Antonym, n.:
+ The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
+%
+Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
+[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
+Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast
+cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
+Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
+them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
+ -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
+ cars across Europe.
+%
+Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
+which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
+%
+Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
+ -- Charles McCabe
+%
+Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a
+mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside
+than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring?
+And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure?
+Is there a better way to die?
+ -- Charles Lindbergh
+%
+Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
+representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
+representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
+capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
+ -- Richard Schickel
+%
+Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
+ -- Aesop
+%
+Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this
+country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
+%
+Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a
+wise person to be able to sell it.
+%
+Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know
+how to lie well.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look
+stupid.
+ -- Hedy Lamarr
+%
+Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
+%
+Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche --
+a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my
+grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the
+fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly
+true.
+ -- Solomon Short
+%
+Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
+%
+Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit
+rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out
+of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that
+requires a heroism which is transcendent.
+ -- Henry Ward Beecher
+%
+Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
+ -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields
+%
+Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
+liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall
+be deemed to be a cat.
+ -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
+%
+Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+Any president should have the right to shoot
+at least two people a year without explanation.
+ -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
+%
+Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer
+of indirection.
+ -- David Wheeler
+%
+Any program which runs right is obsolete.
+%
+Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
+%
+Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
+Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
+From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
+ -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
+%
+Any small object that is accidentally
+dropped will hide under a larger object.
+%
+Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
+exactly the point of most pressure.
+ -- Milt Barber
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
+ -- Rich Kulawiec
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
+%
+Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
+ -- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason
+given proper legal counsel.
+ -- Alfred Perlstein
+%
+Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
+something.
+%
+Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
+%
+Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
+%
+Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen
+has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
+ -- J. P. Morgan
+%
+Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
+organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
+ -- David Broder
+%
+Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
+sight of a police car is probably parked.
+%
+Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
+%
+Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right
+person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
+and in the right way -- that is not easy.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
+supposed to be doing at the moment.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
+none.
+%
+Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the
+first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no
+explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for
+intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of
+thought on every occasion.
+ -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.)
+%
+Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
+%
+Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my
+extremely humble opinion.
+ -- Philip Paeps
+%
+Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
+is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
+make messes in the house.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein
+%
+Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence.
+ -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry
+%
+Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
+ -- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
+that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
+is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
+mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
+ -- Elizabeth Zwicky
+%
+Anyone who has had a bull by the tail
+knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time
+as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.
+ -- Philippus Paracelsus
+%
+Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
+account be allowed to do the job.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
+recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
+particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
+ -- Eleanor Roosevelt
+%
+Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
+tried taking candy from a baby.
+ -- Robin Hood
+%
+Anything anybody can say about America is true.
+ -- Emmett Grogan
+%
+Anything cut to length will be too short.
+%
+Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
+%
+Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything is possible on paper.
+ -- Ron McAfee
+%
+Anything is possible, unless it's not.
+%
+Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.
+The label means the price went up.
+The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
+means the price went way up.
+%
+Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
+%
+Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto
+undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
+ -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
+%
+Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
+%
+Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this
+big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around --
+nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy
+cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go
+over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're
+going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do
+all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy,
+but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.
+ -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye"
+%
+Apathy Club meeting this Friday.
+If you want to come, you're not invited.
+%
+Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
+%
+APHASIA:
+ Loss of speech in social scientists when asked
+ at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
+%
+Aphorism, n.:
+ A concise, clever statement.
+Afterism, n.:
+ A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
+ -- James Alexander Thom
+%
+APL hackers do it in the quad.
+%
+APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the
+future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation
+of coding bums.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming;
+...and is best for educational purposes.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+APL is a write-only language. I can write programs
+in APL, but I can't read any of them.
+ -- Roy Keir
+%
+Appearances often are deceiving.
+ -- Aesop
+%
+APPENDIX:
+ A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
+%
+Applause, n.:
+ The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+April is the cruelest month...
+ -- Thomas Stearns Eliot
+%
+Aquadextrous, adj.:
+ Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
+ faucet on and off with your toes.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
+ You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
+ You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be
+ careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
+ and over again. People think you are stupid.
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)
+ A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely
+ on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot
+ of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on
+ payday. Stop wetting your bed.
+%
+AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18)
+ You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what
+ you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either.
+ As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your
+ relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be
+ able to lend you a few bucks.
+%
+Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
+ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
+cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
+cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
+then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've
+never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
+ -- Peter Nelson
+%
+Arbitrary systems, pl.n.:
+ Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
+general can be said."
+%
+ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
+ FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
+%
+Are we not men?
+%
+Are we running light with overbyte?
+%
+Are Women Human?
+In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men
+representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote.
+The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one
+vote.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
+ Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
+ If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
+ Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel?
+ Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
+ Don't you know any better?
+ How could you be so stupid?
+ If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
+ You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
+ If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ Do as I say, not as I do.
+ Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know.
+ What did you do *this* time?
+ If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
+ When I was your age...
+ I won't love you if you keep doing that.
+ Think of all the starving children in India.
+ If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
+ I'm going to kill you.
+ Way to go, clumsy.
+ If you don't like it, you can lump it.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ Go away. You bother me.
+ Why? Because life is unfair.
+ That's a nice drawing. What is it?
+ Children should be seen and not heard.
+ You'll be the death of me.
+ You'll understand when you're older.
+ Because.
+ Wipe that smile off your face.
+ I don't believe you.
+ How many times have I told you to be careful?
+ Just because.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ Good children always obey.
+ Quit acting so childish.
+ Boys don't cry.
+ If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
+ Why do you have to know so much?
+ This hurts me more than it hurts you.
+ Why? Because I'm bigger than you.
+ Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
+ Oh, grow up.
+ I'm only doing this because I love you.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ When are you going to grow up?
+ I'm only doing this for your own good.
+ Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
+ cry about.
+ What's wrong with you?
+ Someday you'll thank me for this.
+ You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
+ Don't you have any sense at all?
+ If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
+ Why? Because I said so.
+ I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
+%
+Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
+say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
+
+ You wouldn't understand.
+ You ask too many questions.
+ In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
+ That's for me to know and you to find out.
+ Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick
+ up for yourself.
+ You're acting too big for your britches.
+ Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied?
+ Wait till your father gets home.
+ Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
+ Shape up or ship out.
+%
+Are you a turtle?
+%
+Are you making all this up as you go along?
+%
+Are you sure the back door is locked?
+%
+Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone
+in good society holds exactly the same opinion.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
+ You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
+ quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not
+ very nice.
+%
+ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19)
+ You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person
+ and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've
+ got a mean streak in you a mile wide.
+%
+ARITHMETIC:
+ An obscure art no longer practiced in
+ the world's developed countries.
+%
+Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
+ -- Mickey Mouse
+%
+Armadillo, v.:
+ To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
+%
+Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh
+autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet
+Union.
+ -- P. J. O'Rourke
+%
+Armor's Axiom:
+ Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
+%
+Armstrong's Collection Law:
+ If the check is truly in the mail,
+ it is surely made out to someone else.
+%
+Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
+ (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
+ (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
+ (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
+ first two laws.
+%
+Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
+measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
+imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote
+a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from
+one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work
+to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death.
+(He died in 1921.)
+ Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth,
+flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this
+fantasy...
+ What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung?
+And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This
+instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the
+piece would be better known as:
+ SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"!
+%
+Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's
+incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."
+ -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
+%
+Art is a jealous mistress.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
+ -- Picasso
+%
+Art is anything you can get away with.
+ -- Marshall McLuhan
+%
+Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
+ -- Paul Gauguin
+%
+Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
+ -- Chazal
+%
+"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
+%
+Arthur's Laws of Love:
+ (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
+ remind them of someone else.
+ (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
+ be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
+ of yourself in person.
+%
+Article the Third:
+ Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should
+ enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and
+ guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary.
+Article the Fourth:
+ The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee"
+ and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's
+ face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war.
+Article the Fifth:
+ Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church,
+ a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the
+ lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have
+ to last a lifetime and must be conserved.
+ -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights"
+%
+Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as
+artificial flowers have to flowers.
+ -- David Parnas
+%
+Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
+%
+As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
+%
+As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
+interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
+perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
+"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
+I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
+This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
+ -- Matt Cartmill
+%
+As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
+a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
+Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
+glass.
+ The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
+with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
+ The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With
+a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
+down in one gulp.
+ Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
+fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a
+firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
+NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
+%
+As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp
+the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at
+a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
+ -- Joseph Brodsky
+%
+As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
+certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
+ -- Weisert
+%
+As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
+%
+As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em,
+We may live with, but cannot live without 'em.
+ -- Frederic Reynolds
+%
+As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
+of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
+%
+As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought
+the potato salad.
+%
+As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of
+religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the
+methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions --
+to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven
+years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
+untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
+and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
+high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
+surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
+ -- Steve Allen
+%
+As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
+pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+As I thought, no better from this side.
+ -- Eeyore
+%
+As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
+ Feeling worse and worser,
+There I met a C.R.T.
+ And it drop't me a cursor.
+
+C.R.T., C.R.T.,
+ Phosphors light on you!
+If I had fifty hours a day
+ I'd spend them all at you.
+ -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+As I was passing Project MAC,
+I met a Quux with seven hacks.
+Every hack had seven bugs;
+Every bug had seven manifestations;
+Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
+Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
+How many losses at Project MAC?
+%
+As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day,
+I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay,
+The words were torn and tattered,
+From the storm the night before,
+The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes,
+
+Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer,
+Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
+Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
+And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
+
+Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
+Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
+Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
+And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
+%
+As in certain cults it is possible to
+kill a process if you know its true name.
+ -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
+smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
+in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
+norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a
+computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
+IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
+standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
+standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
+allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
+innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
+imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven
+images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
+on the austerity of the word.
+ -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
+%
+As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
+industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
+and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
+man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a real American
+talk like that.
+ -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
+%
+As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
+%
+As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
+schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
+The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
+%
+As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
+When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
+%
+As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
+One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
+useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
+
+Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
+
+ 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
+ 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
+ 3. Some people never look at me.
+ 4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
+ 5. My sex life is A-okay.
+ 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
+ 7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
+ 8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
+ 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
+10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
+11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
+12. I cannot read or write.
+13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
+14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
+15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
+16. I am never startled by a fish.
+17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
+18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
+19. People who break the law are wise guys.
+20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
+%
+As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
+One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
+useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
+
+Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
+
+ 1. I think beavers work too hard.
+ 2. I use shoe polish to excess.
+ 3. God is love.
+ 4. I like mannish children.
+ 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
+ 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
+ 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
+ 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
+ 9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
+10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
+11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
+ full of mice.
+12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
+13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
+14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
+15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
+16. My eyes are always cold.
+17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
+18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
+19. I am never startled by a fish.
+20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
+%
+As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape,
+The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape;
+It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field,
+An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel!
+Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie,
+Follow it through, me canny lad O;
+Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie,
+Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O!
+ -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.
+Please update your programs.
+%
+As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL.
+Please update your programs.
+%
+As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
+%
+As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
+the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:
+
+News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:
+
+ Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
+ Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
+ Keywords: C sources
+ Distribution: na
+
+ I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
+ sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the
+ headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
+ cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.)
+
+ Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If
+ I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
+ it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that
+ must be done?
+%
+As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs;
+a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
+ -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service
+ conversion to a new computer system.
+%
+As some day it may happen that a victim must be found
+I've got a little list -- I've got a little list
+Of society offenders who might well be underground
+And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed.
+ -- Koko, "The Mikado"
+%
+As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't
+as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be
+discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
+part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in
+my own programs.
+ -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949
+%
+As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
+because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear,
+bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete,
+or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
+version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
+component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
+efficient test cases will usually be available.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
+%
+As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
+is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
+as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
+but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have,
+with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his
+divinity.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+As Will Rogers would have said,
+"There is no such things as a free variable."
+%
+As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
+aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
+chocolate dishes: Any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
+proper time for chocolate.
+ -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
+%
+As you grow older, you will still do foolish things,
+but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.
+ -- The Cowboy
+%
+As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
+interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
+Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
+out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
+Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
+organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
+birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
+see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
+stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
+with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
+talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
+highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+ Teen Should Know"
+%
+As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
+your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
+The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
+with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
+from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
+over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
+a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
+spider is suing you for damages.
+%
+As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
+ -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
+%
+As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
+%
+Ascend to the high mountain pass,
+Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean.
+Do not give up to the great distance:
+It's by going that you will reach your aim.
+Be not discouraged by human frailty:
+You will overcome it if you try to.
+ -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
+%
+ASCII:
+ The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
+ become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as
+ a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
+ receive."
+ -- Robb Russon
+%
+ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
+%
+ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
+%
+Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
+If God won't have you, the devil must.
+%
+Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
+one went to Harvard).
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you
+will pay only the station-to-station rate.
+ -- Howard Kandel
+%
+Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
+%
+Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ...
+if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
+%
+Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.
+ -- J. J. Gibson
+%
+Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
+for an answer.
+%
+Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
+ -- John Stuart Mill
+%
+Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
+said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
+released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
+right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
+learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the
+writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
+newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to
+bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started
+chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
+as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this,
+everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
+the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
+and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
+couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
+two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a
+lamp-post how it feels about dogs.
+ -- Christopher Hampton
+%
+Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity
+and understanding of how computers work that it provides.
+ -- D. Gries
+%
+Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run
+with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep
+the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people
+and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
+ -- Stanley Walker
+%
+Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus.
+%
+Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.
+ -- D. Winker and F. Prosser
+%
+At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be
+solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will
+take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology
+available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution.
+In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There
+is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general
+relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving
+a computer problem?"
+ "Remember the twin paradox?"
+ After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very
+fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but
+that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the
+computer here, and accelerate the earth!"
+ The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When
+the earth came back, they were presented with the answer:
+
+ IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card.
+%
+At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
+not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
+it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
+ -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
+%
+At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all
+my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my
+ignorance upon the shore.
+ -- Kahlil Gibran
+%
+At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
+We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
+around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
+least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
+
+It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
+while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
+crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
+have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
+`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
+Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
+function as a normal person.
+
+I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
+you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
+some UNIX,
+
+ Just Say No!
+%
+At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on
+the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is
+quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather
+than blinkers it.
+ -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
+%
+At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers,
+a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
+ -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985
+%
+At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me,
+"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.
+ -- Strange de Jim
+%
+At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
+ -- J. B. White
+%
+At least they're _\bE_\bX_\bP_\bE_\bR_\bI_\bE_\bN_\bC_\bE_\bD incompetents.
+%
+At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
+thumb with a hammer.
+ -- Marshall Lumsden
+%
+At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
+especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
+-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
+in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
+after fact and reason.
+ -- John Keats
+%
+At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
+coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick.
+ -- H. R. Gumby
+%
+At the end of your life there'll be a good rest,
+and no further activities are scheduled.
+%
+At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
+The image of Providing Nourishment.
+Thus the superior man is careful of his words
+And temperate in eating and drinking.
+%
+At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly
+contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre
+or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny
+of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep
+nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the
+world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective
+enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the
+field on track.
+ -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection"
+%
+At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
+to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
+die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
+room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
+The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
+grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
+You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
+213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
+gently!"
+ The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
+opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
+his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...
+guess who's going to die soon!"
+%
+At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
+at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
+%
+At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.
+ -- Peter G. Alaquon
+%
+At times discretion should be thrown aside,
+and with the foolish we should play the fool.
+ -- Menander
+%
+At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
+number of pens that person is carrying.
+%
+Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
+%
+ATLANTA:
+ An entire city surrounded by an airport.
+%
+Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
+or street lamp.
+%
+Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying
+to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean.
+ -- Marten Mickos
+%
+Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
+decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
+lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
+suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
+is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
+ -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
+%
+Auction, n.:
+ A gyp off the old block.
+%
+Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
+ -- G. J. Danton
+%
+Audiophile, n.:
+ Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
+%
+Auribus teneo lupum.
+[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
+%
+AUTHENTIC:
+ Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
+%
+Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
+depths they were once able to plumb.
+ -- Stanley Kaufman
+%
+Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
+ -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
+%
+Automobile, n.:
+ A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
+ pedestrians.
+%
+Avec!
+%
+Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
+%
+Avoid cliches like the plague.
+They're a dime a dozen.
+%
+Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
+%
+Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Avoid reality at all costs.
+%
+Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
+we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
+ -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
+%
+Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
+%
+Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
+ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
+to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
+mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
+in 1959.
+ -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
+ bad fiction contest.
+%
+Bacchus, n.:
+ A convenient deity invented by the ancients
+ as an excuse for getting drunk.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+BACHELOR:
+ A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
+%
+BACHELOR:
+ A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
+%
+Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
+that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign
+correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
+invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
+West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?"
+ To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
+Business before pleasure."
+%
+Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some
+military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
+who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
+Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
+problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
+written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
+(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
+types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
+the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
+the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
+never really caught on.
+%
+Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
+uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
+%
+BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
+ Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
+%
+Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
+%
+BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
+%
+Bad men live that they may eat and drink,
+whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
+ -- Socrates
+%
+Bagbiter:
+ 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
+intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
+bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
+obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
+bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
+CHOMPER, CHOMPING.
+%
+Bagdikian's Observation:
+ Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper
+ is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukulele.
+%
+Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
+ -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
+%
+Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
+ A block grant is a solid mass of money
+ surrounded on all sides by governors.
+%
+BALLISTOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of bullets;
+OTOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of opening one's eyes.
+PECCATOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of sinning.
+TAPHEPHOBIA:
+ Fear of being buried alive.
+SITOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of food.
+TRICHOPHOBIA:
+ Fear of hair.
+VESTIPHOBIA:
+ Fear of clothing.
+%
+BALTIMORE:
+ A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
+%
+Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
+%
+Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb:
+ The hippo has no sting, but the wise
+ man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
+%
+Banectomy, n.:
+ The removal of bruises on a banana.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
+%
+Barach's Rule:
+ An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
+%
+Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
+ (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
+ and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
+ (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
+ to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
+%
+Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
+floor -- especially in the dark.
+%
+Barker's Proof:
+ Proofreading is more effective after publication.
+%
+Barometer, n.:
+ An ingenious instrument which indicates
+ what kind of weather we are having.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Barth's Distinction:
+ There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
+types, and those who don't.
+%
+Baruch's Observation:
+ If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
+%
+Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Basic Definitions of Science:
+ If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.
+ If it stinks, it's chemistry.
+ If it doesn't work, it's physics.
+%
+Basic is a high level languish.
+APL is a high level anguish.
+%
+BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism."
+%
+BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.
+ -- Seymour Papert
+%
+BASIC, n.:
+ A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
+ that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
+%
+Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd
+come in and sink my boats.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Bathquake, n.:
+ The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
+ faucet is turned on to a certain point.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Batteries not included.
+%
+Battle, n.:
+ A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
+ will not yield to the tongue.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Be a better psychiatrist and the world
+will beat a psychopath to your door.
+%
+BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
+%
+BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
+%
+Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
+get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
+face.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
+ -- Homer
+%
+Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
+%
+Be careful! Is it classified?
+%
+Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
+%
+Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or
+situations that can't bear inspection.
+%
+Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
+ -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
+%
+Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
+%
+Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
+ -- Derek Bok
+%
+Be cautious in your daily affairs.
+%
+Be cheerful while you are alive.
+ -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
+%
+Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better
+to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.
+ -- De Maintenon
+%
+Be different: conform.
+%
+Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse
+the issue afterwards.
+%
+Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy!
+Things won't get any better so get used to it.
+%
+Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
+%
+Be independent.
+Insult a rich relative today.
+%
+Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes;
+nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
+%
+Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
+ -- Pope St. Gregory I
+%
+Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
+%
+Be prepared to accept sacrifices.
+Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
+%
+Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
+and original in your work.
+ -- Flaubert
+%
+Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake.
+%
+Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
+%
+Be sociable.
+Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
+%
+Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
+%
+Be valiant, but not too venturous.
+Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
+ -- John Lyly
+%
+Beachhead, n.:
+ In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain
+ control and from which you go out to control other pieces of
+ the market.
+
+ In war: Where soldiers die.
+%
+Beam me up, Scotty!
+%
+Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
+%
+Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
+%
+Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
+%
+BEAUTY:
+ What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
+%
+Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
+%
+Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
+%
+Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.
+ -- Jean Anouilh
+%
+Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
+Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
+ -- John Keats
+%
+Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
+ -- Redd Foxx
+%
+Because I do,
+Because I do not hope,
+Because I do not hope to survive
+Injustice from the Palace, death from the air,
+Because I do, only do,
+I continue...
+ -- T. S. Pynchon
+%
+Because the wine remembers.
+%
+Because we don't think about future generations,
+they will never forget us.
+ -- Henrik Tikkanen
+%
+Been through hell?
+What did you bring back for me?
+%
+Been Transferred Lately?
+%
+Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
+%
+Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
+%
+Bees are very busy souls
+They have no time for birth controls
+And that is why in times like these
+There are so many Sons of Bees.
+%
+Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
+ -- Addison H. Hallock
+%
+Before destruction a man's heart is
+haughty, but humility goes before honour.
+ -- Psalms 18:12
+%
+...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech
+or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What
+did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was
+manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of
+this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my
+power of meddling.
+ -- Joseph Conrad
+%
+Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
+%
+Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
+they are "Let's eat out."
+%
+Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
+starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
+first.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
+%
+Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
+%
+Before you ask more questions, think about whether
+you really want to know the answers.
+ -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
+%
+Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
+That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
+their shoes.
+%
+Begathon, n.:
+ A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
+you won't have to watch commercials.
+%
+Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
+ "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
+%
+Beggars should be no choosers.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
+%
+Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
+%
+Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
+%
+Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which
+is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but
+the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that
+basket!"
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Behold the warranty -- the bold print
+giveth and the fine print taketh away.
+%
+Beifeld's Principle:
+ The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
+receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is
+already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better
+looking and richer male friend.
+%
+Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
+%
+Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and
+stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very
+opposite applies with the judges.
+ -- Beyond the Fringe
+%
+Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade,
+since it consists principally of dealings with men.
+ -- Conrad
+%
+Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome
+to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over
+and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
+ "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
+seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
+%
+Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
+if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
+has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
+%
+Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
+disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
+%
+Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
+enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
+ -- Eugene McCarthy
+%
+Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
+Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
+ -- Blake Clark
+%
+Being owned by someone used to be called
+slavery -- now it's called commitment.
+%
+Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
+%
+Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
+standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
+ -- unnamed Justice Department official
+%
+Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
+%
+Belief, n.:
+ Something you do not believe.
+%
+Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too
+impossibly bad.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
+%
+Ben, why didn't you tell me?
+ -- Luke Skywalker
+%
+Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
+ (1) Houses are for people to live in.
+ (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
+ (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
+%
+Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence.
+ -- Time Bandits
+%
+Benson's Dogma:
+ ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
+%
+Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break
+Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It
+%
+Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
+to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
+ -- Kirk McKusick
+%
+Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
+none of his friends like him either.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
+transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in
+Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
+place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
+surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet,
+MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
+For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was
+rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
+"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
+after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
+ "I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
+ "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
+ "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
+ "The test or the room?"
+ "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
+ "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
+Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
+great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you
+tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie,
+why?"
+ "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
+ -- House of God
+%
+Bershere's Formula for Failure:
+ There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who
+ listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
+%
+Besides the device, the box should contain:
+
+* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
+
+* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
+ club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
+
+YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
+cable.
+
+IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
+spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
+that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
+without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
+why."
+
+WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
+%
+Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
+judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
+doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
+history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
+at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
+them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
+victuals being spent and especially our beer."
+ -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
+%
+Best Mistakes In Films
+ In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
+four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
+possible.
+ In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
+street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
+ In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
+with television aerials.
+ In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
+fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
+in the background.
+ In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
+clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+Best of all is never to have been born.
+Second best is to die soon.
+%
+Beta test, v.:
+ To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
+ sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three.
+ In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
+%
+Better by far you should forget and
+smile than that you should remember and be sad.
+ -- Christina Rossetti
+%
+Better dead than mellow.
+%
+Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come
+around while you have your life in such a mess.
+%
+Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
+%
+Better late than never.
+ -- Titus Livius (Livy)
+%
+Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
+%
+better !pout !cry
+better watchout
+lpr why
+santa claus <north pole >town
+
+cat /etc/passwd >list
+ncheck list
+ncheck list
+cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
+cat list | grep nice >giftlist
+santa claus <north pole >town
+
+who | grep sleeping
+who | grep awake
+who | egrep 'bad|good'
+for (goodness sake) {
+ be good
+}
+%
+Better the prince of some inferior court,
+Than second, or less, in beatific light.
+ -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
+%
+Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
+%
+Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
+ -- motto of the Christopher Society
+%
+Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
+%
+Better tried by twelve than carried by six.
+ -- Jeff Cooper
+%
+Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay,
+left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a
+bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort
+pushing boulders into a single word.
+ It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
+Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
+equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
+destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both
+Parliament and Party.
+ It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
+planets, this may be the first message received from us.
+ -- The Realist, November, 1964
+%
+Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
+%
+Between infinite and short there is a big difference.
+ -- G. H. Gonnet
+%
+Between the idea
+And the reality
+Between the motion
+And the act
+Falls the Shadow
+ -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to system service dispatching.]
+%
+BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.
+%
+Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
+%
+Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
+%
+Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
+%
+Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather
+a new wearer of clothes.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Beware of Bigfoot!
+%
+Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
+tried it.
+ -- Donald E. Knuth
+%
+Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
+%
+Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
+%
+Beware of geeks bearing graft.
+%
+Beware of low-flying butterflies.
+%
+Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
+danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with
+the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
+ -- Leonard Brandwein
+%
+Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
+drip under pressure.
+%
+Beware of strong drink. It can make you
+shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
+%
+Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything
+is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
+%
+Beware the new TTY code!
+%
+Beware the one behind you.
+%
+Bi, n.:
+ When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
+%
+Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
+ (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
+ (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
+ (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
+%
+Big book, big bore.
+ -- Callimachus
+%
+Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice
+Are making midnight music in the moonlight,
+Mighty nice!
+%
+Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
+%
+Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
+%
+Bilbo's First Law:
+ You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
+%
+Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.
+ -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season
+%
+Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
+ generation to generation?
+Mom: Yes?
+Billy: Well, this generation dropped it.
+%
+Binary, adj.:
+ Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
+%
+Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
+and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
+ -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
+%
+Bing's Rule:
+ Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
+%
+Biology grows on you.
+%
+Biology is the only science in which
+multiplication means the same thing as division.
+%
+Bipolar, adj.:
+ Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
+New York
+%
+Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black
+nightgowns do with keeping warm.
+ -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
+%
+Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
+%
+Birth, n.:
+ The first and direst of all disasters.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
+%
+Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the
+behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an
+absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that
+time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in
+time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend
+on the observer's movement in restaurants.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
+%
+Bit, n.:
+ A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
+ refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
+ cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years
+ ago.
+%
+Bit off more than my mind could chew,
+Shower or suicide, what do I do?
+ -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"
+%
+Biz is better.
+%
+Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
+%
+Bizoos, n.:
+ The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
+ basketball.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks
+are involved in when they burn stores.
+ -- Julius Lester
+%
+Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
+Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
+Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
+They were just some of my tropical fish.
+
+Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
+Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
+Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
+Now I have many less tropical fish.
+
+ If you think that
+ Fish are peaceful
+ That's an empty wish.
+ Just dump them together
+ And leave them alone,
+ And soon you will have -- no fish.
+ -- To My Favorite Things
+%
+Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide,
+The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side,
+A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide,
+She wants to hit those bricks,
+ 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline,
+While the millionaires hide in Beekman place,
+The bag ladies throw their bones in my face,
+I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound,
+I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down...
+ -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
+%
+Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
+%
+Blessed are the forgetful: for they
+get the better even of their blunders.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
+ -- Herbert Hoover
+%
+Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
+to say it.
+ -- James Russell Lowell
+%
+Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles,
+for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
+%
+Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
+ -- W. C. Bennett
+%
+Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
+ -- Alexander Pope
+%
+Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
+for he shall enjoy living.
+ -- W. C. Bennett
+%
+Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
+abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
+ -- George Eliot
+%
+Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
+ -- David Nichols
+%
+BLISS is ignorance.
+%
+Blithwapping, v.:
+ Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the
+ wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
+%
+Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
+%
+Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation:
+ The judge's jokes are always funny.
+%
+Blore's Razor:
+ Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
+funnier.
+%
+Blow it out your ear.
+%
+Blue paint today.
+ [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
+%
+Blutarsky's Axiom:
+ Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
+%
+Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
+%
+Boling's postulate:
+ If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
+%
+Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
+ Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
+ vividly manifests their lack of progress.
+%
+Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
+ Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
+%
+Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them
+seemed to come from Texas.
+ -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
+%
+Bondage maybe, discipline never!
+ -- T. K.
+%
+Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!"
+%
+BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
+%
+Boob's Law:
+ You always find something in the last place you look.
+%
+Booker's Law:
+ An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
+%
+Bore, n.:
+ A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
+ -- Walter Winchell
+%
+Bore, n.:
+ A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Boren's Laws:
+ (1) When in charge, ponder.
+ (2) When in trouble, delegate.
+ (3) When in doubt, mumble.
+%
+Boss, n.:
+ According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the
+ words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
+ in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
+ ornamental stud."
+%
+Boston, n.:
+ An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
+%
+Boston, n.:
+ Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
+finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
+%
+Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
+that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
+straightened out for a crowbar.
+ -- O. W. Holmes
+%
+Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and
+interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible
+on the same communications line connection.
+ -- Bell System Technical Reference
+%
+Boucher's Observation:
+ He who blows his own horn always plays the music
+ several octaves higher than originally written.
+%
+Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.
+ -- Ralph Lewin
+%
+Bower's Law:
+ Talent goes where the action is.
+%
+Bowie's Theorem:
+ If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
+%
+Boy! Eucalyptus!
+%
+Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
+You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
+Save your heart and let your body be enough,
+To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
+Save your heart and let your body be enough,
+And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
+ -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
+%
+Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the
+'Advanced Systems Development' group!
+%
+Boy, life takes a long time to live.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Boy, n.:
+ A noise with dirt on it.
+%
+Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
+%
+Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
+%
+Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
+when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
+together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
+tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
+on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
+They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
+clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
+Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
+well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
+like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
+which is all the time.
+ -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
+%
+Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
+unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
+(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
+to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
+ -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
+ Style"
+%
+Bradley's Bromide:
+ If computers get too powerful, we can organize
+ them into a committee -- that will do them in.
+%
+Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
+ When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
+ easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
+ have handled this?"
+%
+Brain fried -- core dumped
+%
+Brain, n.:
+ The apparatus with which we think that we think.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
+ To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
+ of error in an opponent.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a
+theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in
+Multics, adj.:
+ Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication
+ that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage,
+ because he/she should have known better. Calling something
+ brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
+%
+Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
+is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
+off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
+single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
+kept going, sliding safely into third base.
+ With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
+bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
+Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
+took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third.
+ I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
+start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide
+into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and
+shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
+ -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
+%
+Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
+ -- Charles Lamb
+%
+Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.
+ -- Randy Goebel
+%
+Break into jail and claim police brutality.
+%
+Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
+since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
+Watch lights fade from every room.
+Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
+another day's useless energies spent.
+
+Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
+Lonely man cries for love and has none.
+New mother picks up and suckles her son.
+Senior citizens wish they were young.
+
+Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
+Removes the colors from our sight.
+Red is grey and yellow white.
+But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
+ -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed"
+%
+Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
+%
+Bride, n.:
+ A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
+%
+Briefcase, n.:
+ A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
+%
+Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of
+data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover
+an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order
+and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation
+which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation
+in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct
+hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to
+construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to
+assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves
+only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity
+of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the
+analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to
+appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses.
+ -- A. Benjamin
+%
+Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati
+ girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba;
+i borogovi eran tutti mimanti
+ e la moma radeva fuorigraba.
+
+"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco,
+ dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante;
+fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco
+ metti infine il frumioso Bandifante".
+ -- "The Jabberwock"
+%
+Bringing computers into the home won't change
+either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
+%
+Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast
+more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
+If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
+brusque, your character.
+ -- Jonathan Swift
+%
+British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
+it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
+ -- Peter Ustinov
+%
+British Israelites:
+ The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
+be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
+on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
+can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
+means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also
+believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
+and take all your teeth.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Broad-mindedness, n.:
+ The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
+%
+Brogan's Constant:
+ People tend to congregate in the back
+ of the church and the front of the bus.
+%
+Brokee, n.:
+ Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
+%
+Brontosaurus Principle:
+ Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
+in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
+this occurs, they are an endangered species.
+ -- Thomas K. Connellan
+%
+Brooke's Law:
+ Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
+ discovers something which either abolishes the system or
+ expands it beyond recognition.
+%
+Brooks' Law:
+ Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
+%
+Brucify, v.:
+ 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
+ 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
+ [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
+ {frustrate}]
+ 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
+ (of one of the two other meanings).
+The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
+Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
+reviews just done in his spirit.
+%
+BS: You remind me of a man.
+B: What man?
+BS: The man with the power.
+B: What power?
+BS: The power of voodoo.
+B: Voodoo?
+BS: You do.
+B: Do what?
+BS: Remind me of a man.
+B: What man?
+BS: The man with the power...
+ -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
+%
+Bubble Memory, n.:
+ A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
+intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
+%
+Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
+%
+Bucy's Law:
+ Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
+%
+Bug, n.:
+ An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
+programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
+wrote the program.
+
+Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+Bug, n.:
+ An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
+ The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
+ when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
+ -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
+%
+Bugs, pl. n.:
+ Small living things that small living boys throw on small
+ living girls.
+%
+Building translators is good clean fun.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
+ outfit."
+GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
+BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
+ -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
+%
+Bumper sticker:
+ All the parts falling off this car are
+ of the very finest British manufacture.
+%
+Bunker's Admonition:
+ You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
+%
+Burbulation, v.:
+ The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in
+ an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Bureau Termination, Law of:
+ When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out,
+ the number of employees in that bureau will double within
+ 12 months after the decision is made.
+%
+Bureaucracy, n.:
+ A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
+%
+Bureaucrat, n.:
+ A person who cuts red tape sideways.
+ -- J. McCabe
+%
+Bureaucrat, n.:
+ A politician who has tenure.
+%
+Burke's Postulates:
+ Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
+ Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
+%
+Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
+ (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
+ sawhorse.
+ (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
+ (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
+ perfectly balanced.
+ (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
+ -- Robert Burns
+%
+Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
+ -- Ken Weaver
+%
+Bus error -- driver executed.
+%
+Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
+%
+Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
+%
+Business is a good game -- lots of competition
+and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.
+ -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
+%
+Business will be either better or worse.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
+%
+But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
+paws.
+%
+But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+But has any little atom,
+ While a-sittin' and a-splittin',
+Ever stopped to think or CARE
+ That E = m c**2 ?
+%
+But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
+I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
+kill more than I could eat.
+ -- Raoul Duke
+%
+But I don't like Spam!!!!
+%
+"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
+"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
+"But I'm feeling much better..."
+"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
+ -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
+%
+But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go
+back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you
+what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous
+to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something
+true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or
+theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might
+even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of
+crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is
+that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away
+with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not
+everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It
+therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such
+arrogance down.
+ -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
+%
+But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
+nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
+ -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
+%
+But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
+system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
+analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
+ -- Bruce Leverett,
+ "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
+%
+But it does move!
+ -- Galileo Galilei
+%
+But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
+%
+But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
+In proving foresight may be vain:
+The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
+Gang aft a-gley,
+An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain
+For promised joy.
+ -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785
+%
+But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
+%
+But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
+%
+But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
+to the nearest gas station.
+%
+But scientists, who ought to know
+Assure us that it must be so.
+Oh, let us never, never doubt
+What nobody is sure about.
+ -- Hilaire Belloc
+%
+But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
+%
+But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
+frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
+ -- M. Proust
+%
+But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
+Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
+But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
+ -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
+%
+But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
+was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
+education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
+1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
+American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
+invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
+invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
+adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
+electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
+electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
+part) sends it right back to the customer again.
+
+This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
+of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
+very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
+In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
+States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
+ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
+increases.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+But these pills can't be habit forming;
+I've been taking them for years.
+%
+But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
+place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
+Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
+is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
+enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
+Have I explained yet about the bytes?
+%
+But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
+computers?
+%
+But you shall not escape my iambics.
+ -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
+%
+But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
+reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
+those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
+ -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
+%
+Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
+Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
+Less dear than army ants in apple pies
+Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
+Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
+Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
+They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
+Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
+Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
+And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
+Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
+Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
+Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
+Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
+%
+Buzzword, n.:
+ The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
+%
+By doing just a little every day, you can
+gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
+%
+By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
+%
+By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other
+designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.
+ -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April
+ Fool's column.
+%
+By nature, men are nearly alike;
+by practice, they get to be wide apart.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
+In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
+as it is to invent.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+ -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
+ (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
+ [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
+ misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
+%
+By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
+ -- Charles Spurgeon
+%
+By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began
+to suspect "Hungry" ...
+ -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
+%
+By the time you swear you're his,
+shivering and sighing
+and he vows his passion is
+infinite, undying --
+Lady, make a note of this:
+One of you is lying.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
+%
+By the yard, life is hard.
+By the inch, it's a cinch.
+%
+By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.
+Another man's, I mean.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+By working faithfully eight hours a day,
+you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+BYOB, v.:
+ Believing Your Own Bull
+%
+Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
+point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
+fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
+often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
+from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
+that so many people from point A are so keen to get _\bt_\bh_\be_\br_\be. They often
+wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
+they wanted to be.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
+carefully print the chaff.
+%
+Byte your tongue.
+%
+C Code.
+C Code Run.
+Run, Code, RUN!
+ PLEASE!!!!
+%
+C for yourself.
+%
+C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
+%
+C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that
+harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
+ -- Bjarne Stroustrup
+%
+C, n.:
+ A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like
+ assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything
+ else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or
+ it isn't.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+Cabbage, n.:
+ A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
+ a man's head.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception.
+ -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
+%
+Cache:
+ A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
+ is supposed to know is there.
+%
+California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God
+and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
+coffee.
+%
+Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
+ -- Indian proverb
+%
+Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the
+current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled
+damnation.
+ -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the
+ Life of Hall"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to logical names.]
+%
+Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
+ -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
+%
+Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes,
+Calm down, it's only bits and bytes,
+Calm down, and speak to me in English,
+Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites.
+%
+Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die."
+Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?"
+Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
+%
+Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
+ -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man
+who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Campbell's Law:
+ Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
+%
+Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me.
+%
+Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
+points.
+ -- M. M. Johnston
+%
+Can anyone remember when the times
+were not hard, and money not scarce?
+%
+Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished?
+Yes, work never begun.
+%
+"Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer?
+No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community."
+ -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial)
+%
+Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the
+only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
+ -- Robert J. Ringer
+%
+Canada Bill Jones's Motto:
+ It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
+
+Canada Bill Jones's Supplement:
+ A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
+%
+Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.
+It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
+ -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
+%
+Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
+Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
+A root or two, a torus and a node:
+The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
+ This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy,
+ but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are
+ poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough
+ when you're poor and unhappy.
+%
+CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
+ You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
+problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things
+off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
+recipients are Cancer people.
+%
+Canonical, adj.:
+ The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story:
+One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
+of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
+much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
+Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
+fashion without thinking.
+ Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
+ Stallman: "What did he say?"
+ Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
+%
+Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances.
+ -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test
+ Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar.
+%
+Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat.
+%
+Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
+the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
+ -- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
+ Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important
+ part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much
+ luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are
+ a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers
+ don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha.
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)
+ Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything
+ else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget
+ it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse.
+%
+CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
+ You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
+ much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn
+ of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for
+ too long as they tend to take root and become trees.
+%
+Captain Penny's Law:
+ You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
+ some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
+%
+Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
+%
+Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
+Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected,
+mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it
+takes.
+%
+Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
+trousers that don't match.
+%
+Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print
+the name Craney incorrectly.
+ -- Jim Canrey
+%
+Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
+fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course,
+the same can be said of dirt.
+%
+Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
+ The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
+ dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
+ then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Carson's Consolation:
+ Nothing is ever a complete failure.
+ It can always be used as a bad example.
+%
+Carson's Observation on Footwear:
+ If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
+%
+Carswell's Corollary:
+ Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap,
+ nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
+%
+Cat, n.:
+ Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
+%
+Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
+ -- The Beach Boys
+%
+Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.
+ -- Howard Chaykin
+%
+Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
+%
+Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull
+a sled through the snow.
+%
+Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
+%
+Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
+ -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson"
+%
+Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
+%
+Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
+%
+CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
+%
+CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
+%
+Cecil, you're my final hope
+Of finding out the true Straight Dope
+For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
+But none of my cats are at all like that.
+This unusual animal (so it is said)
+Is simultaneously alive and dead!
+What I don't understand is just why he
+Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
+My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
+In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
+If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
+And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
+But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
+Then I will *_\ba_\bn_\bd* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
+ -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
+ of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
+%
+Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
+%
+Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
+of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An
+incorrect model can be a useful tool.
+ -- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Census Taker to Housewife:
+Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
+%
+Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
+%
+Cerebral atrophy, n.:
+ The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and
+impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
+symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
+performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
+everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
+and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
+victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
+
+Cerebral darwinism, n.:
+ The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed
+through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of
+alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through
+the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die
+first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the
+imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity.
+Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic
+performance actually increases beyond previous levels.
+%
+Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
+Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something
+Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
+ out of it?
+Jaka: Ugh!
+Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
+ -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
+%
+Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
+walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
+then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
+health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
+not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
+only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
+others who have tried it.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
+the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court
+of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate
+which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order,
+the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground
+nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts
+(unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts
+(unground)."
+ -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973
+%
+Certainly the game is rigged.
+Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
+But it's very funny --
+did you ever try buying them without money?
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
+%
+C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.
+ -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
+%
+CF&C stole it, fair and square.
+ -- Tim Hahn
+%
+Chairman of the Bored.
+%
+Chamberlain's Laws:
+ 1: The big guys always win.
+ 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
+%
+Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+Change your thoughts and you change your world.
+%
+Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
+ -- Kathleen Norris
+%
+Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
+%
+Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
+
+ The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
+Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation
+that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never
+quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his
+mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define
+a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation
+can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human
+race in general.
+%
+Character density, n.:
+ The number of very weird people in the office.
+%
+Character is what you are in the dark!
+ -- Lord John Whorfin
+%
+Charity begins at home.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+Charity, n.:
+ A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
+%
+Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
+Linus: To make others happy.
+Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
+%
+Charlie was a chemist,
+But Charlie is no more.
+What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
+%
+Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" --
+without having asked any clear question.
+%
+Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
+%
+Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers...
+they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key!
+%
+Checkuary, n.:
+ The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
+ when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
+%
+Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
+%
+Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
+%
+Chef, n.:
+ Any cook who swears in French.
+%
+Cheit's Lament:
+ If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
+ the next time he's in need.
+%
+Chemicals, n.:
+ Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
+%
+Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
+%
+Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
+%
+Chemistry is applied theology.
+ -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
+%
+Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
+%
+Cheops' Law:
+ Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
+%
+Chess tonight.
+%
+Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
+%
+Chicago, n.:
+ Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
+ Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
+ headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
+ -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
+%
+Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
+ The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
+for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
+cheerfully baste you.
+ -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
+%
+Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?"
+Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?"
+%
+Chicken Little only has to be right once.
+%
+Chicken Little was right.
+%
+Chicken Soup, n.:
+ An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
+ cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
+ can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that
+shivers when it's warm.
+%
+Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like
+them. That's when they come over and violate your body space.
+%
+Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
+despite every effort to teach them good manners.
+%
+Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
+going to catch you in next.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
+And that's what parents were created for.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them.
+Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
+repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
+%
+Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.
+ -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
+%
+Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
+%
+Chism's Law of Completion:
+ The amount of time required to complete a government project is
+ precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
+%
+Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
+ When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
+%
+Chivalry, Schmivalry!
+ Roger the thief has a
+ method he uses for
+ sneaky attacks:
+Folks who are reading are
+ Characteristically
+ Always Forgetting to
+ Guard their own bac ...
+%
+Chocolate Chip.
+%
+Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as
+a friend if she were a man.
+ -- Joubert
+%
+Chorus:
+ Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
+ Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
+ You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
+ But as for me and Grandpa, we believe!
+She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
+And we begged her not to go.
+But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning,
+And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack.
+ out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead,
+ And incriminating claus-marks on her
+Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back.
+He's been taking this so well.
+See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and
+Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors,
+ with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves!
+ They should never give a license,
+ To a man who drives a sleigh and
+ plays with elves!
+ -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
+%
+Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him.
+%
+Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
+Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
+Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens,
+Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again.
+
+On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll,
+Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil,
+There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil,
+The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice.
+
+It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
+It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things.
+Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
+What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay.
+ Angels We Have Heard On High,
+Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy.
+Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo...
+Driving his reindeer across the sky,
+Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Churchill's Commentary on Man:
+ Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
+ but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
+%
+Cigarette, n.:
+ A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
+ between.
+%
+Cinemuck, n.:
+ The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
+ covers the floors of movie theaters.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
+ -- Herodotus
+%
+Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening.
+See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
+%
+Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Clairvoyant, n.:
+ A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
+ which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a
+ blockhead.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who
+aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Clarke's Conclusion:
+ Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
+%
+Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class.
+Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.
+ -- "Bugsy" Siegel
+%
+Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
+leading the parade.
+ -- Bill Battie
+%
+Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
+ -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"
+%
+Clay's Conclusion:
+ Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
+%
+Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling
+the walk before it stops snowing.
+ -- Phyllis Diller
+%
+Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
+ -- P. J. O'Rourke
+%
+CLEVELAND:
+ Where their last tornado did six
+ million dollars worth of improvements.
+%
+Cleveland still lives. God _\bm_\bu_\bs_\bt be dead.
+%
+Cleveland?
+Yes, I spent a week there one day.
+%
+Climate and Surgery
+ R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who
+received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at
+the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the
+day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be
+riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially
+recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery.
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861
+%
+Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
+ "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
+ "Well, yes, I am."
+ "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
+ The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
+me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
+passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
+please?" it asked the bartender.
+ The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
+"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
+ "No, I'm a frayed knot."
+%
+Clone, n.:
+ 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
+ product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product
+ is a clone of our product."
+%
+Clones are people two.
+%
+Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
+%
+Clothes make the man.
+Naked people have little or no influence on society.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly:
+ The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated
+ than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere,
+ bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
+%
+Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
+Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
+ -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
+
+Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
+Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
+ -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
+
+Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
+Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
+ -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
+%
+Coach: How's it going, Norm?
+Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
+ -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
+
+Sam: What's up, Norm?
+Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
+ -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
+
+Coach: What's the story, Norm?
+Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
+ -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
+%
+Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
+Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
+ -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
+
+Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
+Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
+ -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
+
+Sam: What will you have, Norm?
+Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass
+ of whatever comes out of that tap.
+Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
+Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
+ -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
+%
+Coach: What's up, Norm?
+Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
+ -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
+
+Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
+Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
+ -- Cheers, Snow Job
+
+Coach: Beer, Normie?
+Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
+ Eh, why not, I'm still young.
+ -- Cheers, Snow Job
+%
+COBOL:
+ An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
+%
+COBOL:
+ Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
+%
+COBOL is for morons.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
+%
+Code rot -- mostly caused by people redefining "fresh".
+ -- Wes Peters
+%
+Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a
+terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
+%
+Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
+"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong.
+ -- Blair Houghton
+%
+Cohen's Law:
+ There is no bottom to worse.
+%
+Cohn's Law:
+ The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
+ time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend
+ all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
+%
+Coincidence, n.:
+ You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
+ going on.
+%
+Coincidences are spiritual puns.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+Cold, adj.:
+ When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
+ pockets.
+%
+Cold hands, no gloves.
+%
+Cole's Law:
+ Thinly sliced cabbage.
+%
+Collaboration, n.:
+ A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
+ other fellow can spell.
+%
+COLLEGE:
+ The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
+%
+College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
+faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
+the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
+legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
+loss to humanity.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+COLORADO:
+ Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
+%
+Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
+%
+Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
+
+0. integrated 0. management 0. options
+1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
+2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
+3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
+4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
+5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
+6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
+7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
+8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
+9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
+
+ The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
+the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
+"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
+virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
+one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
+"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
+ -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
+%
+Colvard's Logical Premises:
+ All probabilities are 50%.
+Either a thing will happen or it won't.
+
+Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
+ This is especially true when
+ dealing with someone you're attracted to.
+
+Grelb's Commentary:
+ Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
+%
+Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
+And every vector dreams of matrices.
+Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
+It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
+Your winter garment of repentance fling.
+The bird of time has but a little way
+To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
+ -- Omar Khayyam
+%
+Come home America.
+ -- George McGovern, 1972
+%
+Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
+Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
+ -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
+%
+Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
+Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
+Their indices bedecked from one to _\bn,
+Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Come live with me, and be my love,
+And we will some new pleasures prove
+Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
+With silken lines, and silver hooks.
+ -- John Donne
+%
+Come live with me and be my love,
+And we will some new pleasures prove
+Of golden sands and crystal brooks
+With silken lines, and silver hooks.
+There's nothing that I wouldn't do
+If you would be my POSSLQ.
+
+You live with me, and I with you,
+And you will be my POSSLQ.
+I'll be your friend and so much more;
+That's what a POSSLQ is for.
+
+And everything we will confess;
+Yes, even to the IRS.
+Some day on what we both may earn,
+Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
+You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
+You'll share my life - up to a point!
+And that you'll be so glad to do,
+Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
+%
+Come, muse, let us sing of rats!
+ -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767)
+%
+Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
+ -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne
+%
+Come, you spirits
+That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
+And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
+Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
+Stop up the access and passage to remorse
+That no compunctious visiting of nature
+Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
+The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
+And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
+Wherever in your sightless substances
+You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
+And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
+That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
+Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
+To cry `Hold, hold!'
+ -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth"
+%
+Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
+%
+Coming to Stores Near You:
+
+101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:
+
+ (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
+ It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
+ I'm Not Misbehaving
+
+And A Whole Lot More...
+%
+Coming together is a beginning;
+ keeping together is progress;
+ working together is success.
+%
+Command, n.:
+ Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
+ such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
+%
+Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+Commitment, n.:
+ Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
+ The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
+%
+Committee, n.:
+ A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
+ decide that nothing can be done.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Committee Rules:
+ (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
+ (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
+ stamps you as being wise.
+ (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
+ others.
+ (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
+ (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
+ popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
+%
+Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
+be appointed to do the work.
+%
+Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
+different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
+ -- Clive James
+%
+Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world.
+Everyone thinks he has enough.
+ -- Rene Descartes, 1637
+%
+Commoner's three laws of ecology:
+ 1) No action is without side-effects.
+ 2) Nothing ever goes away.
+ 3) There is no free lunch.
+%
+Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
+%
+Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness
+of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."
+ -- David Guaspari
+%
+Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software
+has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It
+either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade,
+stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is
+misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with
+the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
+characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
+ -- Dan Klein
+%
+COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
+one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
+ -- J. N. Gray
+%
+Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses,
+is in the eye of the beholder.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's
+courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not
+be enough.
+ -- Gene Scott
+%
+COMPLEX SYSTEM:
+ One with real problems and imaginary profits.
+%
+COMPLIMENT:
+ When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
+%
+Compuberty, n.:
+ The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a
+ computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and
+ a sun4 is put online sharing files.
+%
+COMPUTER:
+ An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
+ totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe
+ this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
+%
+Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
+%
+Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
+%
+Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
+%
+COMPUTER SCIENCE:
+ 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the
+ precision of the former and the success of the latter.
+ 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms.
+ 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious.
+ 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities.
+ 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
+ 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
+%
+Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
+telescopes.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
+adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
+ -- Jim Horning
+%
+Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
+%
+Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
+Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
+ -- Gilb
+%
+Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
+ -- Pablo Picasso
+%
+Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
+the world that just don't add up.
+%
+Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them.
+The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate
+goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off
+course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!"
+ -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008)
+%
+Computers don't actually think.
+ You just think they think.
+ (We think.)
+%
+Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
+than the estimate the job will cost.
+%
+Conceit causes more conversation than wit.
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
+%
+Concept, n.:
+ Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
+ $25,000.
+%
+Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
+from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
+%
+Condense soup, not books!
+%
+CONFERENCE:
+ A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear
+ what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what
+ he's already decided to do.
+%
+Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
+confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
+%
+Confession is good for the soul only in the sense
+that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
+ -- Peter de Vries
+%
+Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for
+the reputation.
+ -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
+%
+Confidant, confidante, n.:
+ One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
+fall flat on your face.
+ -- Dr. L. Binder
+%
+Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
+%
+CONFIRMED BACHELOR:
+ A man who goes through life without a hitch.
+%
+Conflicting research paradigms
+Have legitimized various crimes.
+ The worst we can see
+ Is in psychology,
+Measuring reaction times.
+%
+Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
+%
+Confucius say too damn much!
+%
+Confucius say too much.
+ -- Recent Chinese proverb
+%
+Confusion will be my epitaph
+as I walk a cracked and broken path
+If we make it we can all sit back and laugh
+but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying.
+ -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King"
+%
+Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
+If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
+hesitate to ask!
+%
+Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
+would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
+you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
+maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
+OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
+UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
+IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
+WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
+SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
+RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
+RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
+FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
+ -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
+%
+Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid.
+
+He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the
+Year award.
+%
+Congratulations!
+
+Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If
+v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing
+a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker
+with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into
+a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it
+left.
+
+ -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain
+ nameless to the development team after releasing
+ the second version of their product.
+%
+Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime.
+
+ Mathematician's Proof:
+ 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all
+ odd numbers are prime.
+ Physicist's Proof:
+ 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental
+ error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
+ Engineer's Proof:
+ 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime.
+ 11 is prime. 13 is prime ...
+ Computer Scientist's Proof:
+ 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime...
+%
+Connector Conspiracy, n.:
+ [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
+KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
+manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
+to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
+stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
+interface devices.
+%
+Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
+%
+Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and
+governing that is hard.
+ -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
+%
+Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts
+when everything else feels great.
+%
+Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
+%
+Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
+wish you weren't.
+%
+CONSENT DECREE:
+ A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
+ in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
+ never admitted to in the first place.
+%
+Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.
+ -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
+%
+Conservative, n.:
+ A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
+ from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion...
+ -- Professor in the UCB physics department
+%
+Consider the following axioms carefully:
+ "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
+ and
+ "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
+What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The
+thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
+consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
+%
+Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal
+it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only.
+ -- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in
+the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+ (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
+ you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
+ of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
+ Calculator, Will Travel.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+ An ordinary man a long way from home.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+ [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con
+ (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of
+ "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who
+ has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase
+ and heavy wallet.
+%
+CONSULTANT:
+ Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a
+ lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
+%
+Consultants are mystical people who ask a
+company for a number and then give it back to them.
+%
+CONSULTATION:
+ Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
+%
+Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by
+the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will
+we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always
+will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and
+seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom.
+ -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed.
+%
+"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
+if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
+technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.
+%
+Convention is the ruler of all.
+ -- Pindar
+%
+Conversation enriches the understanding,
+but solitude is the school of genius.
+%
+Conversation, n.:
+ A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
+ is called the listener.
+%
+Conway's Law:
+ In any organization there will always be one person who knows
+ what is going on.
+
+ This person must be fired.
+%
+Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the
+line-up.
+ -- Raymond Chandler
+%
+COPYING MACHINE:
+ A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages,
+ and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't
+ interested in reading them.
+%
+Coronation, n.:
+ The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
+ visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
+ dynamite bomb.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Correction does much, but encouragement does more.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Corrupt, adj.:
+ In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
+%
+Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
+of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
+capitalism.
+ -- Walter Lippmann
+%
+Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner.
+His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
+ -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
+%
+Corry's Law:
+ Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
+%
+Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
+at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
+the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
+mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
+being easier to stake.
+%
+Counting in binary is just like counting
+in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
+ -- Glaser and Way
+%
+Counting in octal is just like counting
+in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
+%
+Courage is grace under pressure.
+%
+Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Courage is your greatest present need.
+%
+Court, n.:
+ A place where they dispense with justice.
+ -- Arthur Train
+%
+Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
+ -- William Congreve
+%
+Coward, n.:
+ One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that,
+with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
+%
+Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking
+process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical
+attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an
+enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable
+and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference
+between adequacy and excellence.
+%
+Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
+peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
+ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
+say it was obvious all along.
+ -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
+%
+Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
+%
+Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
+sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
+%
+Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.
+ -- James Blish
+%
+CREDITOR:
+ A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
+%
+Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
+ If you are the first to know about something bad,
+ you are going to be held responsible for acting on it,
+ regardless of your formal duties.
+%
+Crime does not pay... as well as politics.
+ -- A. E. Neuman
+%
+Critic, n.:
+ A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
+ to please him.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
+ -- Zeuxis
+%
+Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
+seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
+ -- Brendan Behan
+%
+Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
+ -- Socrates' last words
+%
+Croll's Query:
+ If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
+%
+Cropp's Law:
+ The amount of work done varies inversely
+ with the time spent in the office.
+%
+Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
+ -- Madonna
+%
+Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
+ If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it
+ will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
+ much work has already been done on it.
+%
+Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
+%
+Crush! Kill! Destroy!
+%
+Cthulhu Cthucks!
+%
+Cthulhu for President!
+ (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.)
+%
+Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later.
+%
+Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
+%
+Cure the disease and kill the patient.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+CURSOR:
+ One whose program will not run.
+ -- Robb Russon
+%
+Cursor address, n.:
+ "Hello, cursor!"
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
+environment.
+ The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
+addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
+matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
+people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
+Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
+The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
+the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
+order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
+Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
+check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
+possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
+columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
+cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
+with us.
+
+MOZ DONG n.
+ Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
+Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
+Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Custer committed Siouxicide.
+%
+Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight
+of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat.
+ -- Gerry Youghkins
+
+If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people
+don't like it.
+ -- Gerry Youghkins
+%
+Cutler Webster's Law:
+ There are two sides to every argument, unless a person
+ is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
+%
+Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
+eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
+business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation.
+ -- Johnny Hart
+%
+Cynic, n.:
+ A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
+ as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
+ plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Cynic, n.:
+ Experienced.
+%
+Cynic, n.:
+ One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
+ eye.
+%
+Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
+several of us died of tuberculosis.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+<Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser,
+though?
+
+<``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing
+it lacks is a decent editor
+%
+DALLAS:
+ The city that chose Astroturf to
+ keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
+%
+Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor.
+%
+Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!
+%
+Damn braces.
+ -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell"
+%
+Damn, I need a Coke!
+ -- Dr. William DeVries
+ [after implanting the first artificial human heart]
+%
+DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
+%
+Dare to be naive.
+ -- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Dark and lonely on a summer night
+ Kill my landlord,
+ Kill my landlord.
+The watchdog barkin'
+Do he bite?
+ Kill my landlord,
+ Kill my landlord.
+Slip in his window.
+Break his neck.
+Then his house I start to wreck
+Got no reason,
+What the heck?
+ Kill my landlord,
+ Kill my landlord.
+ C-I-L-L my landlord!
+ -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL
+%
+Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the
+opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.
+ -- Oliver Herford
+%
+Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold!
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
+%
+DATA:
+ An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
+%
+DATA:
+ Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced
+ the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
+%
+Data is not information;
+Information is not knowledge;
+Knowledge is not wisdom;
+ -- Gary Flake
+%
+Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."
+Allen Gwinn: "Yours is."
+%
+David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":
+
+ * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO
+ * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"
+ * Hourly motel rates
+ * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here
+ * Didn't just give up right away during World War II
+ like some countries we could mention
+ * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies
+ * Our well-behaved golf professionals
+ * Fabulous babes coast to coast
+%
+David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of
+remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at
+a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a
+second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the
+speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global
+communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will
+instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air,
+underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's
+ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical
+and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living...
+[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what
+unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind."
+ -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966
+%
+Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
+ The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
+ 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
+%
+Davis's Dictum:
+ Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
+%
+Dawn, n.:
+ The time when men of reason go to bed.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
+%
+%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
+-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
+%
+DEADWOOD:
+ Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
+%
+Dealing with failure is easy:
+ Work hard to improve.
+Success is also easy to handle:
+ You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
+%
+Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation,
+all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.
+ -- C. N. Parkinson
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ How can I choose what groups to post in?
+ -- Confused
+
+Dear Confused:
+ Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After
+all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you
+should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
+Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
+ Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event
+that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
+expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
+header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
+the fringe groups.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to
+summarize. What should I do?
+ -- Editor
+
+Dear Editor:
+ Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post
+that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the
+replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when
+summarizing a vote.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize."
+What should I do?
+ -- Doubtful
+
+Dear Doubtful:
+ Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to
+dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are
+much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by
+mail.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should
+I do?
+ -- Angry
+
+Dear Angry:
+ Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments
+between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article
+looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long
+point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and
+lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I
+tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for
+his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired.
+Everybody laughed at me. What can I do?
+ -- A Concerned Citizen
+
+Dear Concerned:
+ Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer
+experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They
+will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely
+represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all
+act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net
+society.
+ Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things
+like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they
+understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant
+literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if
+possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper --
+they are always interested in good stories.
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
+to. How about an example?
+ -- Still Confused
+
+Dear Still:
+ Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
+the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
+would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a
+big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
+as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
+news.admin. If not, use news.misc.
+ The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
+He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
+interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to
+soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
+news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
+interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
+well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
+there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
+ You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
+group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
+will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily:
+ Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature.
+What should I do?
+ -- Forgetful
+
+Dear Forgetful:
+ Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says,
+"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here
+it is."
+ Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article,
+(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy
+signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
+about the signature anyway.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Emily, what about test messages?
+ -- Concerned
+
+Dear Concerned:
+ It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test
+merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please
+ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips
+a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female
+but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth
+by all USEnauts.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Dear Freshman,
+ You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
+unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather
+prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by
+mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
+%
+Dear Lord:
+ I just want *_\bo_\bn_\be* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
+the other hand", again.
+%
+Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may
+have to eat them.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+ My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
+elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between
+courses, is all right. Which is correct?
+
+Gentle Reader:
+ For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
+economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle
+of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
+correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
+%
+Dear Miss Manners:
+I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of
+rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection?
+This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella
+protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting
+soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken,
+and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my
+umbrella without seeming insulting?
+
+Gentle Reader:
+Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper,
+although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how
+attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss
+Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection
+before making your attack.
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
+of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
+will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
+commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
+"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
+table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
+says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
+"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
+complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
+if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
+dead bat?
+
+Answer: Yes.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
+
+Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
+to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
+WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
+Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
+small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
+words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+Dear Ms. Postnews:
+ I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
+ should I do?
+ -- Eager Beaver
+
+Dear Eager:
+ No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
+read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
+posting it. All others please ignore."
+ This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
+over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
+time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
+maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
+your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
+directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
+as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
+ And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
+money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
+letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
+ Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
+so post it as many places as you can.
+ -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
+%
+Death before dishonor.
+But neither before breakfast.
+%
+Death comes on every passing breeze,
+He lurks in every flower;
+Each season has its own disease,
+Its peril -- every hour.
+ -- Reginald Heber
+%
+Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
+%
+Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort
+of like a shell leaving the nut behind.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
+%
+Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
+%
+Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
+%
+Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
+%
+Death is only a state of mind.
+
+Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
+%
+Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!
+%
+Death to all fanatics!
+%
+DEATH WISH:
+ The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
+%
+Debug is human, de-fix divine.
+%
+Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance,
+and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum
+%
+DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.
+ -- Mel Ferentz
+%
+Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year.
+erra, n: A mistake.
+faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance.
+Linder, n: A female name.
+memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again.
+New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States.
+New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States.
+Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year.
+Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year.
+ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the
+ season is when the Knicks quit playing.
+ -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
+%
+Decision maker, n.:
+ The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
+ before the music stopped.
+%
+Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really over-
+whelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene language may
+not be used by contestants when addressing members of the judging panel,
+or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when addressing contestants
+(unless struck by a boomerang).
+ -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc.
+%
+Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature.
+ -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall"
+%
+Decorate your home. It gives the illusion
+that your life is more interesting than it really is.
+ -- C. Schultz
+%
+"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
+marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory",
+quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can
+claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
+ -- Randy Davis
+%
+DEFAULT:
+ The hardware's, of course.
+%
+Default, n.:
+ [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
+mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will
+come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
+ -- Bill Musselman
+%
+#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255)
+#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \
+ - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \
+ - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111))
+
+ -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
+%
+Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
+
+ Hardware is what you kick;
+ Software is what you curse.
+%
+Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
+%
+(defun NF (a c)
+ (cond ((null c) () )
+ ((atom (car c))
+ (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
+ (nf a (cddr c))))
+ (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
+
+(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
+ (cond
+ ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
+ (not (equal boston-area 'yes))
+ (lessp challenging 7)) () )
+ (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr)
+ '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
+ (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
+ (car 2 caadr 4)))
+ (list '851-5071x2661)))))
+;;; We are an affirmative action employer.
+%
+DEJA VU:
+ French., already seen; unoriginal; trite.
+ Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
+ something actually being encountered for the first time.
+ Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced
+ something actually being encountered for the first time.
+%
+Delay is preferable to error.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
+
+Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to I/O system services.]
+%
+Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and
+related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences,
+entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take
+into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability
+to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The
+history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that
+can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
+for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
+are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience.
+ -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
+
+I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability
+more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction
+with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder
+child.
+ -- Dr. Albert Hoffman
+%
+Deliberation, n.:
+ The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
+ buttered on.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
+%
+Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
+skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
+to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
+overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
+apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
+as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
+steroid-free fitness center.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
+%
+Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about
+her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad
+nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
+%
+Demand the establishment of the government
+in its rightful home at Disneyland.
+%
+Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
+we deserve.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
+aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
+ -- Senator Soaper
+%
+Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
+incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
+don't think.
+%
+Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
+will get the blame.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+Democracy is also a form of worship.
+It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
+ -- Jawaharlal Nehru
+%
+Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.
+ -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
+%
+Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half
+of the people are right more than half of the time.
+ -- E. B. White
+%
+Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
+deserve to get it good and hard.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
+%
+Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other
+forms that have been tried from time to time.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Democracy, n.:
+ A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting
+or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude
+toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward
+law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based
+upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without
+restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license,
+agitation, discontent, anarchy.
+ -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
+ since withdrawn.
+%
+Democracy, n.:
+ In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
+ -- Gerald Barry
+
+The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
+Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
+you don't have to waste your time voting.
+ -- Charles Bukowski
+%
+Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
+Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
+
+Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
+The remainder is thrown out.
+
+Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.
+
+Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
+Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
+
+Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
+windows by Democrats.
+ -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
+%
+Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
+board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
+%
+Dental health is next to mental health.
+%
+Dentist, n.:
+ A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
+ pulls coins out of one's pockets.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Denver, n.:
+ A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado.
+%
+Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
+%
+Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
+%
+Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
+%
+Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,
+but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
+ -- R. E. Shay
+%
+Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
+%
+Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null -
+und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt.
+%
+Design, v.:
+ What you regret not doing later on.
+%
+Desist from enumerating your fowl
+prior to their emergence from the shell.
+%
+Despising machines to a man,
+The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
+ And ride out by night
+ In a sheeting of white
+To lynch all the robots they can.
+ -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
+%
+Despite all appearances, your boss
+is a thinking, feeling, human being.
+%
+Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
+be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
+the table.
+ -- The Anarchist Cookbook
+%
+Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't,
+don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
+ -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
+%
+Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
+%
+DeVries' Dilemma:
+ If you hit two keys on the typewriter,
+ the one you don't want hits the paper.
+%
+Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of
+fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.
+ -- L. Ron Hubbard
+%
+Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
+ Some do, some don't.
+%
+Did I say 2? I lied.
+%
+Did it ever occur to you that fat chance
+and slim chance mean the same thing?
+%
+Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control
+has already been born?
+ -- Benny Hill
+%
+Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
+that's how dogs spend their lives.
+ -- Sue Murphy
+%
+Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed?
+%
+Did you hear about the model who sat
+on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
+%
+Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
+Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...
+
+Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
+%
+Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
+the number zero?
+
+Is nothing sacred?
+%
+Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
+only recaptured 116 of them?
+%
+Did you know?
+ EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED,
+ APPROXIMATELY
+ 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
+ KILLED
+
+ Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
+ "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
+ -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
+
+A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't.
+
+ SPONSORED BY
+ Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
+ Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
+ Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
+ Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
+
+Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
+%
+Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a
+selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not
+try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will
+select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
+set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
+should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
+%
+Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
+ -- P. J. Plauger
+%
+Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
+them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
+%
+Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
+that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
+
+ "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
+ squirrel."
+
+ -- ihuxw!tommyo
+%
+Did you know the University of Iowa
+closed down after someone stole the book?
+%
+Did you know....
+
+That no-one ever reads these things?
+%
+Didja' ever have to make up your mind,
+Pick up on one and leave the other behind,
+It's not often easy, and it's not often kind,
+Didja' ever have to make up your mind?
+ -- Lovin' Spoonful
+%
+Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa?
+%
+Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore
+would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
+ -- John Barrymore's dying words
+%
+Die, v.:
+ To stop sinning suddenly.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
+ -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
+%
+Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
+%
+Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
+%
+Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
+ -- Don Vonada
+%
+Dignity is like a flag.
+It flaps in a storm.
+ -- Roy Mengot
+%
+Dime is money.
+%
+Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible
+only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity,
+for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
+%
+Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
+%
+Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite):
+ 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce
+ 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast
+ 1 carton milk
+%
+Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees.
+%
+Diogenes, having abandoned his search for
+truth, is now searching for a good fantasy.
+%
+Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
+asked him, after a few days.
+ "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
+%
+Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.
+Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.
+ -- Sir Humphrey Appleby
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
+ -- Daniele Vare
+%
+Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
+ -- Wynn Catlin
+%
+Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
+ -- Balfour
+%
+Diplomacy, n.:
+ Lying in state.
+%
+Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics:
+
+ 1: Get elected.
+ 2: Get re-elected.
+ 3: Don't get mad, get even.
+ -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
+%
+Disbar, n.:
+ As distinguished from some other bar.
+%
+Disc space -- the final frontier!
+%
+Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
+employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
+coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
+non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
+absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
+The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
+the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
+non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
+%
+Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
+yours too."
+ -- Dave Haynie
+%
+DISCLAIMER:
+Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply
+an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
+%
+Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
+%
+Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
+%
+Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+Disk crisis, please clean up!
+%
+Disks travel in packs.
+%
+Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics,
+Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
+%
+Distance doesn't make you any smaller,
+but it does make you part of a larger picture.
+%
+Distinctive, adj.:
+ A different color or shape than our competitors.
+%
+Distress, n.:
+ A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
+injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
+damage inflicted on the vehicle.
+%
+Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight
+acquaintance and without any visible reason.
+ -- Lord Chesterfield
+%
+Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
+%
+Divorce is a game played by lawyers.
+ -- Cary Grant
+%
+Do clones have navels?
+%
+Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
+ -- Amy Gorin
+%
+Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you.
+%
+Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
+%
+Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
+%
+Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
+%
+Do not count your chickens before they are hatched.
+ -- Aesop
+%
+Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome
+your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in
+a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding
+cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any
+of them ever committed suicide.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
+Their tastes may not be the same.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
+%
+Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein
+%
+Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
+%
+Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
+with ketchup.
+%
+Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
+for they become soggy and hard to light.
+
+Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
+for they are subtle and quick to anger.
+%
+Do not overtax your powers.
+%
+Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
+Violators will be prosecuted.
+(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
+%
+Do not seek death; death will find you.
+But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
+ -- Dag Hammarskjold
+%
+Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
+%
+Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
+%
+Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
+%
+Do not try to solve all life's problems at once --
+learn to dread each day as it comes.
+ -- Donald Kaul
+%
+Do not underestimate the power of the Farce.
+%
+Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native
+word "lies".
+ -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
+%
+Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
+%
+Do not worry about which side your
+bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
+%
+Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
+%
+Do, or do not; there is no try.
+%
+Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
+%
+Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
+%
+Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
+%
+Do unto others before they undo you.
+%
+Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
+%
+Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
+ -- Aleister Crowley
+%
+Do what you can to prolong your life,
+in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
+%
+Do you believe in intuition?
+No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will.
+%
+Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
+Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
+Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
+Can you see your neck?
+Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
+If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
+This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
+ ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
+ -- Garfield
+%
+Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
+%
+Do you have lysdexia?
+%
+Do YOU have redeeming social value?
+%
+Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.
+I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they
+think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not
+think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers
+like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make
+fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not
+to think at all.
+ -- T. H. White
+%
+Do you know Montana?
+%
+Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education
+is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
+ -- Pete Seeger
+%
+Do you mean that you not only want a wrong
+answer, but a certain wrong answer?
+ -- Tobaben
+%
+Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing
+between Nixon and the White House.
+ -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
+%
+Do you suffer painful elimination?
+ -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
+
+Do you suffer painful recrimination?
+ -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
+
+Do you suffer painful illumination?
+ -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
+
+Do you suffer painful hallucination?
+ -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
+%
+Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
+%
+Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
+just whipped out a quarter?
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Do you think your mother and I should have lived
+comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
+%
+Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home,
+your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is
+your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous?
+Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident?
+Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman.
+ -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement
+%
+Do your otters do the shimmy?
+Do they like to shake their tails?
+Do your wombats sleep in tophats?
+Is your garden full of snails?
+%
+Do your part to help preserve life on
+Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
+%
+Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with
+little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
+ -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
+%
+Documentation:
+ Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English
+ speaking persons.
+%
+Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
+when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
+ -- Dick Brandon
+%
+Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
+be good because the programmers hate it so much.
+%
+Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
+Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
+Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
+Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
+%
+Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
+%
+Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
+and the rest of us.
+%
+Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
+%
+Doing gets it done.
+%
+Don
+Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill!
+ Was she pretty?
+W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
+ bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have
+ to sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
+Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
+W. C.: It's almost impossible.
+ -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E.
+ Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
+%
+Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
+%
+Don't abandon hope.
+Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
+%
+Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may
+have got him.
+%
+Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
+It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
+Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
+I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
+%
+Don't be humble, you're not that great.
+ -- Golda Meir
+%
+Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
+%
+Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
+%
+Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
+%
+Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
+than I have to.
+ -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy
+%
+Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
+ -- Joe Cointment
+%
+Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
+%
+Don't confuse things that need action
+with those that take care of themselves.
+%
+Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
+%
+Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!
+ -- The Firesign Theatre
+%
+Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
+%
+Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
+ -- Lt. Col. Ollie North
+%
+Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
+%
+Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
+ -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard
+%
+Don't eat yellow snow.
+%
+Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
+%
+Don't everyone thank me at once!
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Don't expect people to keep in step--
+it's hard enough just staying in line.
+%
+Don't feed the bats tonight.
+%
+Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
+ -- Anthony
+%
+Don't get even, get odd.
+%
+Don't get mad, get even.
+ -- Joseph P. Kennedy
+
+Don't get even, get jewelry.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Don't get mad, get interest.
+%
+Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
+%
+Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
+can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
+ -- Dave Storer
+%
+Don't get to bragging.
+%
+Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
+The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
+%
+Don't go to bed with no price on your head.
+ -- Baretta
+%
+Don't guess - check your security regulations.
+%
+Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
+%
+Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
+%
+Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
+%
+Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
+%
+Don't I know you?
+%
+Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
+%
+Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it.
+ -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
+%
+Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
+%
+Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
+%
+Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
+%
+Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
+Probably soon after she throws me out.
+%
+Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
+until you have hold of something else.
+ -- First Rule of Wing Walking
+%
+Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
+don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
+don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
+or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
+remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
+you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
+ -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
+%
+Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
+%
+Don't let your status become too quo!
+%
+Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you.
+%
+Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
+%
+Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
+%
+Don't lose
+Your head
+To gain a minute
+You need your head
+Your brains are in it.
+ -- Burma Shave
+%
+Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
+%
+Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
+ -- Scottish proverb
+%
+Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
+%
+Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it.
+ -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
+%
+Don't plan any hasty moves.
+You'll be evicted soon anyway.
+%
+Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because
+if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
+%
+Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Don't quit now, we might just as well
+lock the door and throw away the key.
+%
+Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
+%
+Don't read everything you believe.
+%
+Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
+%
+Don't remember what you can infer.
+ -- Harry Tennant
+%
+Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
+ -- Darryl F. Zanuck
+%
+Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
+%
+Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors.
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
+%
+Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
+%
+Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
+%
+Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
+Cheat.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
+%
+Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
+ -- "Brazil"
+%
+Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.
+ -- P. Skelly
+%
+Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
+ -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
+%
+Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
+%
+Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum,
+sodomy and the lash.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
+%
+Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
+ -- James J. Ling
+%
+Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
+get more wax!!
+%
+Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.
+I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.
+ -- Watchman Examiner
+%
+Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud.
+%
+Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free
+with my breakfast cereal.
+ -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
+%
+Don't vote - it only encourages them!
+%
+Don't wake me up too soon...
+Gonna take a ride across the moon...
+You and me.
+%
+Don't worry. Life's too long.
+ -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
+%
+Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
+%
+Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
+avoiding you.
+ -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
+%
+Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas
+are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
+ -- Howard Aiken
+%
+Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
+It's already tomorrow in Australia.
+ -- Charles Schultz
+%
+Don't Worry, Be Happy.
+ -- Meher Baba
+%
+Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
+you can always take something for it.
+%
+Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.
+They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
+%
+Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
+%
+Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
+%
+Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely
+want to help you could agree with each other?
+%
+Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
+%
+Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?
+Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an
+ awful lot of talking, don't they?
+ -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Double!
+%
+Double Bucky, you're the one,
+You make my keyboard so much fun,
+Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
+Control and meta, side by side,
+Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
+Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
+
+Oh, I sure wish that I,
+Had a couple of bits more!
+Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.
+
+Double Double Bucky! Double Bucky left and right
+OR'd together, outta sight!
+Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
+Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
+Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
+ -- to Niklaus Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
+ be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
+ by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
+%
+Double-blind Experiment, n.:
+ An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
+fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
+by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
+%
+Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
+ -- Paul Tillich, German theologian
+%
+Down to the Banana Republics,
+Down to the tropical sun.
+Go the expatriated Americans,
+Hoping to find some fun.
+Some of them go for the sailing,
+Caught by the lure of the sea.
+Trying to find what is ailing,
+Living in the land of the free.
+Some of them are running from lovers,
+Leaving no forward address.
+Some of them are running tons of ganja,
+Some are running from the IRS.
+Late at night you will find them,
+In the cheap hotels and bars.
+Hustling the senoritas,
+While they dance beneath the stars.
+ -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
+%
+Down with the categorical imperative!
+%
+Dow's Law:
+ In a hierarchical organization,
+ the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
+%
+Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed
+by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy
+of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that
+time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to
+kill him.
+ -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac"
+%
+Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet
+
+The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve
+that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's
+Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added
+luxury that you never feel hungry.
+
+Here's how the diet works:
+
+ FOODS ALLOWED
+First Month: One egg
+Second Month: A raisin
+Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
+
+If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try
+lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.
+%
+Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
+%
+Dr. Livingston?
+Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
+%
+Drakenberg's Discovery:
+ If you can't seem to find your glasses,
+ it's probably because you don't have them on.
+%
+Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
+%
+Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
+%
+Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
+%
+Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
+ The first bug to hit a clean windshield
+ lands directly in front of your eyes.
+%
+Drilling for oil is boring.
+%
+Drink and dance and laugh and lie
+Love, the reeling midnight through
+For tomorrow we shall die!
+(But, alas, we never do.)
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"
+%
+Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_\bi_\bs* fun trying.
+%
+Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
+instant motor skills.
+ -- Marc Price
+%
+Drinking is not a spectator sport.
+ -- Jim Brosnan
+%
+Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
+with, that it's compounding a felony.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
+that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
+ -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
+%
+Drive defensively, buy a tank.
+%
+Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
+avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
+jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
+brush after them.
+%
+Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
+of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever
+seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a
+priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder.
+"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your
+life!"
+%
+Drop that pickle!
+%
+DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
+ -- The Adventurer
+%
+Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
+ -- The Adventurer
+%
+Drug, n.:
+ A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
+ paper.
+%
+Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
+%
+Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
+lot a poker.
+ -- Karyl Roosevelt
+%
+Ducharme's Axiom:
+ If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
+ yourself as part of the problem.
+%
+Ducharme's Precept:
+ Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
+%
+Duckies are fun!
+%
+Ducks? What ducks??
+%
+Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side,
+and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
+ -- Carl Zwanzig
+%
+Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the
+production of great leaders has been discontinued.
+%
+Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your
+fate and captain of your soul.
+%
+Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
+discontinued.
+%
+Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
+%
+During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has
+been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places,
+pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,;
+in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution.
+ -- James Madison
+%
+During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
+times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_\a~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_\a~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
+%
+During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
+
+Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
+ perform as president?"
+Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
+ inexperience."
+%
+During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a
+fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships;
+and fly your colors proudly.
+%
+Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
+Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
+ -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
+%
+Duty, n.:
+ What one expects from others.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have
+nothing whatever to do with it.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words
+%
+Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
+ -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed
+%
+Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
+%
+E Pluribus UNIX.
+%
+Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
+%
+Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
+ -- Kernighan
+%
+Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
+Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
+worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and
+imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
+typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
+the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
+corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
+Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
+in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
+offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
+a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
+then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother
+company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
+competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
+orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
+ -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
+%
+Each of us bears his own Hell.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
+in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
+university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
+3 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
+%
+Each person has the right to take the subway.
+%
+Eagleson's Law:
+ Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
+months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
+an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
+%
+EARL GREY PROFILES
+
+NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard
+OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese
+AGE: 94
+BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector
+EYES: Grey
+SKIN: Tanned
+HAIR: Not much
+LAST MAGAZINE READ:
+ Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly
+TEA: Earl Grey. Hot.
+
+EARL GREY NEVER VARIES.
+%
+Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management
+science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about
+21st century aircraft:
+
+ "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will
+ nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the
+ pilot if he touches anything.
+ -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988
+%
+Early to bed and early to rise and you'll
+be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
+%
+Early to rise and early to bed makes
+a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
+%
+Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven.
+%
+/earth: file system full.
+%
+/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
+%
+Earth is a beta site.
+%
+Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
+ -- Jeff Berner
+%
+Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
+ Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
+cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of
+the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
+means the puzzle is solved.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Easy come and easy go,
+ some call me easy money,
+Sometimes life is full of laughs,
+ and sometimes it ain't funny
+You may think that I'm a fool
+ and sometimes that is true,
+But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
+ with or without you.
+ -- Hoyt Axton
+%
+Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
+ -- Harry Secombe's diet
+%
+Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
+%
+Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
+%
+Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
+%
+Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
+%
+Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
+will happen to you the rest of the day.
+
+[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.]
+%
+Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
+%
+Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
+%
+Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
+%
+Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Economics, n.:
+ Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Economies of scale:
+ The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want
+ a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
+ biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith
+ by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
+ as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
+ those limitations.
+%
+Economist, n.:
+ Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough
+ personality to become an accountant.
+%
+Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
+turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
+percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Editing is a rewording activity.
+%
+Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
+demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
+ -- Charlotte Observer, 1897
+%
+Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to
+time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
+%
+Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
+ -- Daniel J. Boorstin
+%
+Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
+ -- Irwin Edman
+%
+Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.
+ -- B. F. Skinner
+%
+Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead
+to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters
+of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with
+royal-blue chickens.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak!
+ -- Bullwinkle J. Moose
+%
+Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson
+%
+Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
+people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
+comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
+the "nog" comes from.
+
+To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
+season, eggs...
+%
+Ego sum ens omnipotens
+%
+Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature
+to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
+ -- Bellamy Brooks
+%
+Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity.
+%
+Egotism, n.:
+ Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
+%
+Egotist, n.:
+ A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0
+%
+Ehrman's Commentary:
+ (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
+ (2) Who said things would get better?
+%
+...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his
+original joy his falling in love with Ada.
+ -- Nabokov
+%
+Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because
+God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software
+engineer.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
+%
+Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
+ -- Groucho Marx' last words
+%
+Elbonics, v.:
+ The actions of two people maneuvering for one
+ armrest in a movie theatre.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Eleanor Rigby
+Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
+Lives in a dream
+Waits for a signal, finding some code that will
+ make the machine do some more.
+What is it for?
+
+All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
+All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+
+Hacker MacKensie
+Writing the code for a program that no one will run
+It's nearly done
+Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's
+ nobody there.
+What does he care?
+
+All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
+All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
+Ah, look at all the lonely users.
+Ah, look at all the lonely users.
+%
+ELECTRIC JELL-O
+
+2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
+2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
+1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
+
+Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
+ fully dissolved.
+Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
+Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
+ glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
+Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
+Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
+ the faint of heart.
+Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
+Cut into squares and enjoy!
+
+WARNING:
+ Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
+ children under eight years of age.
+%
+Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
+%
+Electrocution, n.:
+ Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
+%
+Elegance and truth are inversely related.
+ -- Becker's Razor
+%
+Elephant, n.:
+ A mouse built to government specifications.
+%
+Elevators smell different to midgets.
+%
+Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
+ In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
+ frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
+ are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with
+ minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
+ compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
+ lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However,
+ of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
+%
+Eli and Bessie went to sleep.
+In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.
+ "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!"
+Half asleep, Eli murmured,
+ "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
+%
+Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
+%
+Elliptical, n.:
+ The feel of a kiss.
+%
+Eloquence is logic on fire.
+%
+Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
+Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
+%
+Emacs, n.:
+ A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
+%
+Emerson's Law of Contrariness:
+ Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do
+ what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them
+ for it.
+%
+Encyclopedia for sale by father.
+Son knows everything.
+%
+Encyclopedia Salesmen:
+ Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
+ and tell them your house is being burgled.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
+Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
+ -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
+%
+Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning
+Endless the quest;
+I turn again, back to my own beginning,
+And here, find rest.
+%
+Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of
+property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline
+of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.
+ -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine"
+%
+Engineering: "How will this work?"
+Science: "Why will this work?"
+Management: "When will this work?"
+Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?"
+%
+English literature's performing flea.
+ -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse
+%
+Engram, n.:
+ 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram."
+2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer
+in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature
+of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists,
+psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson
+and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved
+conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of
+thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory
+was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only
+ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that
+time.]
+ -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary,
+ 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
+%
+Enhance, v.:
+ To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
+%
+Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
+%
+Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
+%
+Entrepreneur, n.:
+ A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
+ be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
+%
+Entropy isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Entropy requires no maintenance.
+ -- Markoff Chaney
+%
+Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.
+ -- Onasander
+%
+Envy, n.:
+ Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
+ instead of having to try and acquire one.
+%
+Enzymes are things invented by biologists
+that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.
+ -- Jerome Lettvin
+%
+Epperson's law:
+ When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
+ something his wife can beat him at.
+%
+Equal bytes for women.
+%
+Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me.
+ -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader
+%
+Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
+ "Ever since they threatened to fire me."
+%
+Error in operator: add beer
+%
+Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
+ Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
+Und aller-m"\bumsige Burggoven
+ Dir mohmen R"\bath ausgraben.
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+Eschew obfuscation.
+%
+Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
+ -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
+%
+E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.)
+%
+Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Etiquette is for those with no breeding;
+fashion for those with no taste.
+%
+Etymology, n.:
+ Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
+ were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was
+ formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"),
+ and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are
+ hard to swallow."
+ -- Mike Kellen
+%
+Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen;
+Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
+%
+Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of
+the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to
+Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation
+Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain,
+Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman
+Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to
+make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return
+them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be
+a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing
+the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that
+they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed
+over roulette.
+ -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie"
+%
+Eureka!
+ -- Archimedes
+%
+Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
+%
+Even a cabbage may look at a king.
+%
+Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
+%
+Even a man who is pure at heart,
+And says his prayers at night
+Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms,
+And the moon is full and bright.
+ -- The Wolf Man, 1941
+%
+Even God cannot change the past.
+ -- Joseph Stalin
+%
+Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.
+ -- Menander
+%
+Even if you do learn to speak correct
+English, whom are you going to speak it to?
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
+ -- Aristophanes
+%
+Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
+When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
+Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
+And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
+Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
+To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
+Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
+I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
+I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
+Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
+A fairer summer and a later fall
+Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
+And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
+I tell you this across the blackened vine.
+ -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
+ Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
+%
+Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
+%
+Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
+States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a
+day.
+%
+Events are not affected, they develop.
+ -- Sri Aurobindo
+%
+Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
+%
+Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's
+bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes?
+%
+Ever get the feeling that the world's
+on tape and one of the reels is missing?
+ -- Rich Little
+%
+Ever notice that even the busiest people are
+never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
+%
+Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"?
+Simple coincidence?
+Maybe...
+%
+Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
+That's the sprit that has brought us fame.
+We're big but bigger we will be,
+We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity
+Has been our aim.
+Our products now are known in every zone.
+Our reputation sparkles like a gem.
+We've fought our way thru
+And new fields we're sure to conquer, too
+For the Ever Onward IBM!
+ -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
+%
+Ever Onward! Ever Onward!
+We're bound for the top to never fall,
+Right here and now we thankfully
+Pledge sincerest loyalty
+To the corporation that's the best of all
+Our leaders we revere and while we're here,
+Let's show the world just what we think of them!
+So let us sing men -- Sing men
+Once or twice, then sing again
+For the Ever Onward IBM!
+ -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
+%
+Ever since I was a young boy,
+I've hacked the ARPA net,
+From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal,
+Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo,
+But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in,
+On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root,
+That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
+Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint,
+ That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
+ Sure sends a mean packet.
+He's a UNIX wizard,
+There has to be a twist.
+The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions,
+Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells,
+How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing,
+I don't know. Types by sense of smell,
+What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs,
+ The proper bit flags set,
+ That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
+ Sure sends a mean packet.
+ -- UNIX Wizard
+%
+Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
+exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
+All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
+spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
+Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
+take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something?
+My wife is available. No. How about ..."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
+%
+Ever wonder why fire engines are red?
+
+Because newspapers are read too.
+Two and Two is four.
+Four and four is eight.
+Eight and four is twelve.
+There are twelve inches in a ruler.
+Queen Mary was a ruler.
+Queen Mary was a ship.
+Ships sail the sea.
+There are fishes in the sea.
+Fishes have fins.
+The Fins fought the Russians.
+Russians are red.
+Fire engines are always rush'n.
+Therefore fire engines are red.
+%
+Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
+technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
+The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
+computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long
+Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
+trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
+one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the
+"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly;
+there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed
+computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using
+ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when
+anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper
+said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred
+them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons
+Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in
+question."
+ [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in
+ regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.]
+%
+Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
+the last but one.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
+%
+Every cloud engenders not a storm.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Every cloud has a silver lining;
+you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
+%
+Every country has the government it deserves.
+ -- Joseph De Maistre
+%
+Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
+%
+Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
+%
+Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
+%
+Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this
+woman and stop her.
+%
+Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one
+idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's
+sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all
+of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two
+highly-motivated, caustic twits.
+ -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet
+%
+Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
+signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
+fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
+spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
+genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
+of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
+humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
+%
+Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
+
+Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
+front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
+odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
+and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
+legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
+there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
+of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
+color"], that does not exist.
+%
+Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
+ -- Frank Moore Colby
+%
+Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
+%
+Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
+ -- Don Vonada
+%
+Every love's the love before
+In a duller dress.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary"
+%
+Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
+%
+Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended,
+or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar.
+Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk
+only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other
+subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his
+own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured
+by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to
+philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted,
+but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find
+in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
+ -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
+%
+Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Every man takes the limits of his own field
+of vision for the limits of the world.
+ -- Schopenhauer
+%
+Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich
+and powerful know that he is.
+ -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
+%
+Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect
+that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers
+and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the
+essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural
+inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued
+forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters.
+ -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William
+%
+Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done
+it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.
+ -- Barrie
+%
+Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the
+richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster
+than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up.
+It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
+It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
+up, you'd better be running.
+%
+Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
+%
+Every night my prayers I say,
+ And get my dinner every day;
+And every day that I've been good,
+ I get an orange after food.
+The child that is not clean and neat,
+ With lots of toys and things to eat,
+He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
+ Or else his dear papa is poor.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
+
+It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
+%
+Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
+start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
+then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
+music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
+But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
+when they aren't.
+
+ When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
+ When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
+ When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
+ When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
+%
+Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by
+the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he
+sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
+ -- Morris Kline
+%
+Every path has its puddle.
+%
+Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
+drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
+instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program
+can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
+%
+Every program has (at least) two purposes:
+ the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
+%
+Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
+%
+Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
+%
+Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
+eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
+bend a disk.
+ -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
+ commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
+ of their movement.
+%
+Every solution breeds new problems.
+%
+Every successful person has had failures
+but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
+%
+Every suicide is a solution to a problem.
+ -- Jean Baechler
+%
+Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
+%
+Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
+%
+Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
+%
+Every time you manage to close the door on
+Reality, it comes in through the window.
+%
+Every why hath a wherefore.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
+%
+Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
+ -- Beckett
+%
+Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is
+the best one.
+ -- Jack Hurley
+%
+Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
+called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all
+the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
+otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
+and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off.
+Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
+ "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
+a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
+you're fired. As of right now."
+ Sam signed the papers immediately.
+ "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
+couldn't have signed earlier?"
+ "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
+clearly before."
+%
+Everybody has something to conceal.
+ -- Humphrey Bogart
+%
+Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and
+if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
+%
+Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their
+fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the
+good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
+poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows.
+
+Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain
+lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
+just died.
+
+Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates
+and long stem rose. Everybody knows.
+
+Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really
+do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
+two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
+you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows.
+
+And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you.
+And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
+Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
+for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows.
+ -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
+%
+Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
+ -- Arthur Miller
+%
+Everybody needs a little love sometime;
+stop hacking and fall in love!
+%
+Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
+%
+Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had
+to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
+%
+Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
+%
+Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
+%
+Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
+realize it.
+%
+Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
+%
+Everyone is in the best seat.
+ -- John Cage
+%
+Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
+ -- Rudyard Kipling
+%
+Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
+formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
+scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
+wholly unconcerned with what _\bd_\bo_\be_\bs exist. Indeed, the banality of
+existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
+discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
+problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
+mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
+one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
+different way ...
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _\bd_\bo_\be_\bs anything about it.
+%
+Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes
+to get them.
+ -- Dirty Harry
+%
+Everyone was born right-handed.
+Only the greatest overcome it.
+%
+Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
+ 1. They want it quick.
+ 2. They want it good.
+ 3. They want it cheap.
+I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
+ -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
+%
+Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
+%
+Everything bows to success, even grammar.
+%
+Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
+%
+Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.
+%
+Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
+ -- Alexander Woollcott
+%
+Everything in this book may be wrong.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Everything is controlled by a small evil group
+to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
+%
+Everything is possible. Pass the word.
+ -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
+%
+Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
+that a belch is more satisfying.
+ -- Ingmar Bergman
+%
+Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
+something you know.
+ -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
+ June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
+%
+Everything might be different in the present
+if only one thing had been different in the past.
+%
+Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
+%
+Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.
+ -- Erwin Tomash
+%
+Everything that can be invented has been invented.
+ -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
+%
+Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
+%
+Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
+%
+Everything you know is wrong!
+%
+Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
+rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
+ -- Erwin Knoll
+%
+Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
+obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
+solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
+There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
+straight lines.
+ -- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Everything's great in this good old world;
+(This is the stuff they can always use.)
+God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;
+(This will provide for baby's shoes.)
+Hunger and War do not mean a thing;
+Everything's rosy where'er we roam;
+Hark, how the little birds gaily sing!
+(This is what fetches the bacon home.)
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"
+%
+Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My
+opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller
+that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
+ -- Flannery O'Connor
+%
+Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
+Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
+Everyone is looking for the answer,
+Well look again.
+ -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
+%
+Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil
+of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Evolution is a million line computer
+program falling into place by accident.
+%
+Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
+the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
+evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
+doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
+life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
+as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
+respect to theories about how the process operates.
+ -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life"
+%
+Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
+even the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer.
+ -- C. C. Colton
+%
+Example is not the main thing in influencing others.
+It is the only thing.
+ -- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+Excellent day for drinking heavily.
+Spike the office water cooler.
+%
+Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
+%
+Excellent day to have a rotten day.
+%
+Excellent time to become a missing person.
+%
+Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
+ -- Miller
+%
+Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
+customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
+
+Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
+Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
+%
+Excerpt from a DEC field service document:
+
+....
+- none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the
+screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP
+comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands.
+%
+Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
+acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility.
+%
+Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
+%
+Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.
+ -- Marcus Aurelius
+%
+Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
+the work.
+ -- John G. Pollard
+%
+Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
+%
+Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
+%
+Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
+and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
+%
+Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
+%
+Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
+%
+Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
+%
+Expedience is the best teacher.
+%
+Expense accounts, n.:
+ Corporate food stamps.
+%
+Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
+ -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
+%
+Experience is not what happens to you;
+it is what you do with what happens to you.
+ -- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Experience is that marvelous thing that enables
+you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
+ -- Franklin Jones
+%
+Experience is the worst teacher. It always
+gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
+%
+Experience is what causes a person
+to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
+%
+Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
+%
+Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
+particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
+%
+Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
+%
+Expert, n.:
+ Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
+%
+External Security:
+%
+Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
+
+ NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
+
+To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
+cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
+corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
+address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
+to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
+left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
+below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
+computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
+SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
+(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the
+Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
+disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
+this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
+completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
+%
+Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
+of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
+but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
+that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
+argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
+and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
+neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
+handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
+than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
+offer more plausible alternatives.
+ -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
+ Implications for Psi Phenomena".
+%
+Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
+%
+Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit
+of justice is no virtue.
+ -- Barry Goldwater
+%
+F: When into a room I plunge, I
+ Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
+ Then I linger, darkly brooding
+ On the poison they're exuding.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway:
+ "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
+Hemingway:
+ "Yes. They have more money."
+%
+f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
+%
+FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
+%
+Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
+%
+Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.
+ -- Sven Italla
+%
+Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
+%
+Facts are the enemy of truth.
+ -- Don Quixote
+%
+Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
+ -- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Failed Attempts To Break Records
+ In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
+the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
+he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
+doesn't even shout at me."
+ In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
+record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
+ His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
+after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
+"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
+ In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
+the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
+drone got waterlogged," he said.
+ A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
+dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
+had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
+%
+Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.
+ -- Sir Walter Raleigh
+%
+Fairy Tale, n.:
+ A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
+%
+Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
+%
+Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
+ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
+the doubt that moved all the mountains.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
+on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
+%
+Faith is under the left nipple.
+ -- Martin Luther
+%
+Faith, n.:
+ That quality which enables us to
+ believe what we know to be untrue.
+%
+Fakir, n.:
+ A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
+ religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
+ seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
+%
+Falling in Love
+ When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
+love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
+light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
+and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately,
+these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
+good idea to check with your doctor.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Falling in love is a lot like dying.
+You never get to do it enough to become good at it.
+%
+Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in
+restraint.
+ -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus"
+%
+Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident;
+the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an
+autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
+ -- Marlo Thomas
+%
+Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
+%
+Familiarity breeds attempt.
+%
+Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Families, when a child is born
+Want it to be intelligent.
+I, through intelligence,
+Having wrecked my whole life,
+Only hope the baby will prove
+Ignorant and stupid.
+Then he will crown a tranquil life
+By becoming a Cabinet Minister
+ -- Su Tung-p'o
+%
+Famous, adj.:
+ Conspicuously miserable.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Famous last words:
+%
+Famous last words:
+ 1: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
+ 2: Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
+ 3: What happens if you touch these two wires tog...
+ 4: We won't need reservations.
+ 5: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
+ 6: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
+ 7: They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
+ 8: Don't worry! Women love it!
+%
+Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have
+forgotten your aim.
+ -- George Santayana
+%
+Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
+former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.
+
+Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
+reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits
+were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
+and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
+from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
+deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
+was the Empire forged.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
+%
+Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
+Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
+Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
+utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
+forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
+are a pretty neat idea ...
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
+stressful than divorce.
+ -- Wall Street Journal
+%
+Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
+it every six months.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
+ -- Victor Hugo
+%
+Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
+%
+Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
+ -- Bill Cosby
+%
+Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
+%
+Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
+%
+Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
+Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
+%
+Fats Loves Madelyn.
+%
+Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity.
+Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.
+ -- Joe Orton, "Loot"
+%
+FEAR:
+ What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
+%
+Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Fear is the greatest salesman.
+ -- Robert Klein
+%
+Feature, n.:
+ A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
+ call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
+ consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
+ not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
+ a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
+%
+Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation
+potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally
+disadvantaged.
+%
+Feel disillusioned?
+I've got some great new illusions, right here!
+%
+Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no,
+it's Microsoft!"
+%
+Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
+An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature.
+Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
+Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
+I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
+A singular development of cat communications
+That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection
+For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
+A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
+You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
+And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
+It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
+Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
+Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
+And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
+I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
+ -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
+%
+Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring
+you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
+to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or
+other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the
+list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add
+yours to the bottom of the list.
+
+Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San
+Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
+his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent
+out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
+build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
+this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
+her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.
+
+Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today!
+%
+Female rabbits:
+ The gift that just "keeps on giving."
+%
+Fenderberg, n.:
+ The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
+ of car fenders during snowstorms.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Ferguson's Precept:
+ A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
+%
+Fertility is hereditary. If your parents
+didn't have any children, neither will you.
+%
+Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
+ a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
+Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the
+ basic difference between robots and humans?
+Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
+Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them.
+ -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
+%
+Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Fidelity, n.:
+ A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
+%
+Fifteen men on a dead man's chest,
+Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
+Drink and the devil had done for the rest,
+Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
+%
+Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
+ If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
+Corollary:
+ If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
+%
+Fifth Law of Procrastination:
+ Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
+there is nothing important to do.
+%
+Fifty flippant frogs
+Walked by on flippered feet
+And with their slime they made the time
+Unnaturally fleet.
+%
+Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
+Carolina.
+%
+File cabinet:
+ A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
+%
+Filibuster, n.:
+ Throwing your wait around.
+%
+Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.
+ -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+Finagle's Creed:
+ Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
+%
+Finagle's Eighth Law:
+ If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
+
+Finagle's Ninth Law:
+ No matter what results are expected,
+ someone is always willing to fake it.
+
+Finagle's Tenth Law:
+ No matter what the result someone
+ is always eager to misinterpret it.
+
+Finagle's Eleventh Law:
+ No matter what occurs, someone believes
+ it happened according to his pet theory.
+%
+Finagle's First Law:
+ To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
+
+Finagle's Second Law:
+ Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
+
+Finagle's Fourth Law:
+ Once a job is fouled up,
+ anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
+
+Finagle's Fifth Law:
+ Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
+
+Finagle's Sixth Law:
+ Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+%
+Finagle's Second Law:
+ No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
+ someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or
+ (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
+%
+Finagle's Seventh Law:
+ The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
+%
+Finagle's Third Law:
+ In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
+ beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
+
+Corollaries:
+ 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
+ 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
+ don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
+%
+Finality is death.
+Perfection is finality.
+Nothing is perfect.
+There are lumps in it.
+%
+Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
+on a rock.
+ -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
+%
+Fine day for friends.
+So-so day for you.
+%
+Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
+%
+Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
+%
+Fine's Corollary:
+ Functionality breeds Contempt.
+%
+Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
+
+ "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
+
+Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
+
+ P.O. Box 35
+ Baffled Greek, Michigan
+%
+Finster's Law:
+A closed mouth gathers no feet.
+%
+First, a few words about tools.
+
+Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
+the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
+injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
+you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
+particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
+granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
+ Machines that piss people off get murdered.
+ -- Pat Taber
+%
+First Law of Bicycling:
+ No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
+%
+First law of debate:
+ Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
+%
+First Law of Procrastination:
+ Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
+ for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
+ imposed the deadline).
+%
+First Law of Socio-Genetics:
+ Celibacy is not hereditary.
+%
+First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really
+self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
+%
+First Rule of History:
+ History doesn't repeat itself --
+ historians merely repeat each other.
+%
+First rule of public speaking.
+ First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
+ then tell 'em;
+ then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
+%
+First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
+But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
+Dial-A-Wombat.
+ It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
+call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
+phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
+ Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
+the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
+ But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
+ The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
+bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
+ Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
+another phone booth.
+ There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
+ The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
+released it, too, in the scrub.
+ But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
+telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
+ After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
+and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
+ Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
+telephone booths.
+ -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980
+%
+First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.
+ -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
+%
+"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
+"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
+and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
+trees to prove their manhood.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Fishbowl, n.:
+ A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly
+ promoted managers are kept for observation.
+%
+Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
+ -- Jimmy Cannon
+%
+Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck.
+ -- Adolfo Guzman
+%
+Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
+ -- Robert Firth
+%
+Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
+Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
+I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
+And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
+Yes, I'm goin' insane,
+And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
+Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
+ Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
+ Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
+ Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
+You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
+You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
+Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
+That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
+Yes, and goin' insane,
+You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
+Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
+(chorus)
+ -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
+%
+Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman
+were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they
+had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled
+"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I",
+the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's
+"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and
+Irish Political History".
+%
+Five rules for eternal misery:
+ 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
+ 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
+ treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
+ 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
+ 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
+ how much better things might have been or how much worse
+ things might become).
+ 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
+ follow the first four rules.
+%
+Flame on!
+ -- Johnny Storm
+%
+Flannister, n.:
+ The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Flappity, floppity, flip
+The mouse on the m"\bobius strip;
+ The strip revolved,
+ The mouse dissolved
+In a chronodimensional skip.
+%
+FLASH!
+Intelligence of mankind decreasing.
+Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
+%
+Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Flattery will get you everywhere.
+%
+Flee at once, all is discovered.
+%
+Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+Flon's Law:
+ There is not now, and never will be, a language in
+ which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
+%
+Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
+husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
+joules!"
+
+"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
+a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
+
+"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
+in my burette ... We must call a copper."
+
+Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
+said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
+of Lawrence Ium.
+
+"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
+dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
+catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
+activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
+ -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
+%
+Flowchart, n. & v.:
+ [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
+"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
+1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
+problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
+using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic
+doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for
+wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
+thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
+Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce
+flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate
+(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Flugg's Law:
+ When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
+ that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
+%
+Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
+%
+Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling?
+Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
+%
+Flying saucers on occasion
+ Show themselves to human eyes.
+Aliens fume, put off invasion
+ While they brand these tales as lies.
+%
+Fog Lamps, n.:
+ Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
+ of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
+ driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
+%
+Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a
+tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored.
+ -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
+ commenting on rumors of womanizing.
+%
+Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
+%
+Foolproof Operation:
+ No provision for adjustment.
+%
+Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
+%
+Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce
+a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather?
+%
+Football combines the two worst features of American life.
+It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
+ -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball"
+%
+Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.
+ -- Jimmy Breslin
+%
+For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
+%
+For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
+%
+For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
+%
+For a light heart lives long.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
+cat.
+%
+For adult education nothing beats children.
+%
+For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
+women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
+religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
+The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
+known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
+prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
+misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
+ -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
+%
+For an adequate time call 555-3321.
+%
+For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
+since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
+%
+For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
+%
+For courage mounteth with occasion.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
+%
+For every bloke who makes his mark,
+there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
+ -- Andy Capp
+%
+For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
+and wrong.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
+ -- R. Clopton
+%
+For every human problem, there is a neat,
+plain solution -- and it is always wrong.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if
+you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
+not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is
+that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
+when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
+1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
+'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
+ -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
+%
+For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
+%
+For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
+and cook.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+For fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
+ -- Alexander Pope
+%
+For gin, in cruel
+Sober truth,
+Supplies the fuel
+For flaming youth.
+ -- Noel Coward
+%
+For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
+%
+For good, return good.
+For evil, return justice.
+%
+For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.
+ -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
+%
+For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas!
+but with break of day I went to make supplication.
+ -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
+%
+For knighthood is not in the feats of war,
+As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong,
+But in a cause which truth cannot defer:
+He ought himself for to make sure and strong,
+Just to keep mixt with mercy among:
+And no quarrel a knight ought to take
+But for a truth, or for the common's sake.
+ -- Stephen Hawes
+%
+For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
+%
+For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:
+and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
+ -- Sir Thomas More
+%
+For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to
+get themselves filed.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman
+%
+For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
+put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
+life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
+now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
+when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
+in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
+the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
+means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
+advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
+the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
+names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
+("part of this complete breakfast").
+ -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
+%
+For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
+the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful
+power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
+and bad music may be put on record forever.
+ -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
+%
+For people who like that kind of book,
+that is the kind of book they will like.
+%
+For perfect happiness, remember two things:
+ (1) Be content with what you've got.
+ (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
+%
+FOR SALE:
+ Parachute. Used once.
+ Never opened. Slightly Stained.
+%
+For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
+"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
+ -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
+%
+For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
+%
+For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the
+massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the
+last step of doing away with computers altogether?"
+ -- Jehan Shuman
+%
+For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels,
+each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall
+was a gate.
+ -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to system overview.]
+
+%
+For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
+This gives me great hope for the human race.
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
+%
+For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
+neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
+ -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to powerfail recovery.]
+%
+For they starve the frightened little child
+Till it weeps both night and day:
+And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool,
+And gibe the old and grey,
+And some grow mad, and all grow bad,
+And none a word may say.
+
+Each narrow cell in which we dwell
+Is a foul and dark latrine,
+And the fetid breath of living Death
+Chokes up each grated screen,
+And all, but Lust, is turned to dust
+In Humanity's machine.
+
+And all men kill the thing they love,
+By all let this be heard,
+Some do it with a bitter look,
+Some with a flattering word,
+The coward does it with a kiss,
+The brave man with a sword.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___.
+When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged
+him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to
+spend my evenings?"
+ -- Chamfort
+%
+For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
+'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
+recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
+protected species.
+ Ingredients:
+ 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
+ 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
+ 1 teaspoonful salt
+ 8 oz. shredded suet
+ 2 small onions
+ 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
+
+ Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
+overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
+the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
+gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
+half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
+salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
+swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not
+available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
+four to five hours.
+%
+For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+For three days after death hair and fingernails
+continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
+a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
+Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
+religions.
+ -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
+%
+For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
+I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
+But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
+Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
+ -- Justin Richardson
+%
+For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
+%
+Force has no place where there is need of skill.
+ -- Herodotus
+%
+"Force is but might," the teacher said--
+"That definition's just."
+The boy said naught but thought instead,
+Remembering his pounded head:
+"Force is not might but must!"
+%
+Force it!!!
+If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway...
+No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
+%
+FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
+%
+Forecast, n.:
+ A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
+ which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
+%
+Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
+%
+Forgetfulness, n.:
+ A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
+ their destitution of conscience.
+%
+Forgive and forget.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+Forgive him,
+for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
+And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
+%
+Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.
+%
+FORTH IF HONK THEN
+%
+FORTRAN is a good example of a language
+which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.
+ -- D. Gries
+ [What's good about it? Ed.]
+%
+FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy,
+occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.
+ -- Steven Feiner
+%
+FORTRAN rots the brain.
+ -- John McQuillin
+%
+FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
+inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
+too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
+probably for at least the next decade.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
+%
+Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of
+the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
+of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
+responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
+or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
+claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
+provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
+the accepted body of scientific evidence.
+ -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
+ No. 2, pg. 215
+%
+Fortune and love befriend the bold.
+ -- Ovid
+%
+FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3
+
+Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
+A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
+ my dissertation to rhyme.
+%
+FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8
+
+Q: Is God a myth?
+A: No, He's a mythter.
+%
+fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies.
+%
+fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14
+
+Low Blows:
+ Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
+of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must
+hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
+
+Dressing Up:
+ A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
+garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
+for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about
+weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor
+party".
+
+David Letterman:
+ Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
+Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
+haircut.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16
+
+Relationships:
+ First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
+refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
+basis".
+ When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
+her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then
+she will get on with her life.
+ A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
+breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
+wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
+hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
+always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
+drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are
+community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
+these classes rarely prove effective.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17
+
+Shoes:
+ The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
+boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
+of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
+
+Making friends:
+ A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
+together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
+ A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
+together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man,
+sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or
+psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken
+sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a
+jerk, I guess you're OK."
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2
+
+Desserts:
+ A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic
+work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before
+she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by
+grabbing the cherry in the center.
+
+Car repair:
+ The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
+manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem
+himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
+fixed without special tools".
+ The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
+accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the
+car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
+the average man.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4
+
+Weddings:
+ When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
+Men talk about "the bachelor party".
+
+Clothes:
+ Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
+he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about
+the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on
+the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting
+them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
+ Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
+They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5
+
+Trust:
+ The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling
+around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if
+she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her
+OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that
+one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if
+his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one
+of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
+so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
+
+Driving:
+
+ A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
+the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
+him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
+to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The
+Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body
+shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
+price their policies accordingly.
+ A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
+rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
+her makeup.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6
+
+Bathrooms:
+ A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
+shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
+The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
+would not be able to identify most of these items.
+
+Groceries:
+ A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
+and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
+are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
+everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
+his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
+Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8
+
+Going Out:
+ When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
+out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready
+to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup,
+checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend...
+
+Cats:
+ Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
+looking, men kick cats.
+
+Offspring:
+ Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
+about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
+and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely
+aware of some short people living in the house.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9
+
+Laundry:
+ Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
+of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
+years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
+he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
+of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at
+the laundromat. This is a myth.
+
+Nicknames:
+ If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
+they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if
+Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
+refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
+
+Socks:
+ Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
+Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
+of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10
+
+CARTABLANCA:
+ Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells
+ only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of
+ trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer
+ wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is
+ fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in
+ which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11
+
+MONOPOLI:
+ Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour
+ games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after
+ another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the
+ Boardwalk property.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12
+
+O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min.
+
+ Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of
+ shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif
+ tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in
+ the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning.
+ With Julie Christie.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3
+
+MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
+ Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
+ tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way
+ into your heart.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4
+
+WITLESS:
+ Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role
+ of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the
+ run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to
+ health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly
+ reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5
+
+THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
+ This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
+ forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
+ make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
+ of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
+ and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
+ a glowing performance.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6
+
+RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
+ One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's,
+ and arguably the best movie ever made about a large,
+ man-eating hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7
+
+OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA":
+ This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences
+ frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of
+ Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy.
+ Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for
+ younger viewers.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8
+
+THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986)
+ The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen
+ appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable
+ (if sometimes fatal) lesson.
+
+THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987)
+ The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving
+ Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece
+ of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of
+ becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
+%
+FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9
+
+THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min.
+
+ Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as
+ everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene
+ Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.)
+%
+Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
+
+It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and
+supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to
+more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant
+negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a
+negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive
+as that in support of an affirmative.
+ -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472
+%
+Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
+
+We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be
+left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it
+seems to us that someone has been very careless.
+ -- 78 So. 365
+%
+Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions:
+
+We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch"
+may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine
+species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female
+of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two
+revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think
+it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person.
+ -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466
+%
+FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1
+
+Skilled oral communicator:
+ Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self.
+ Argues with self. Loses these arguments.
+
+Skilled written communicator:
+ Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for
+ the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
+
+Growth potential:
+ With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
+ the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
+ the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
+
+Key company figure:
+ Serves as the perfect counter example.
+%
+FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4
+
+Consistent:
+ Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated
+ that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year.
+
+An excellent sounding board:
+ Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement
+ them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification.
+
+A planner and organizer:
+ Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the
+ animal tags on his clothing.
+%
+FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9
+
+Has management potential:
+ Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
+ reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
+ pencil monitor.
+
+Inspirational:
+ A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
+ go I.")
+
+Adapts to stress:
+ Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
+ situation.
+
+Goal oriented:
+ Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
+ to meet them.
+%
+Fortune favors the lucky.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12
+
+ Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15
+
+ "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
+ And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
+ Cowboy cheerleaders.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
+
+ "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
+ May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
+ Juliet, this bud's for you.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2
+
+ If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
+ you've made happy.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21
+
+ Shall I compare thee to a Summer day?
+ No, I guess not.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3
+
+ Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6
+
+ "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?"
+ It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep.
+%
+Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9
+
+ A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
+%
+fortune: No such file or directory
+%
+fortune: not found
+%
+Fortune presents:
+ USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.
+
+^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English?
+Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand.
+Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker
+ renkontas. I've met.
+La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail.
+Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it.
+Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around.
+Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea.
+%
+Fortune presents:
+ USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
+
+^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
+^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
+^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
+Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
+Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
+^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
+%
+Fortune presents:
+ USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.
+
+Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
+ ^cevalon.
+Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding.
+Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me!
+Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you?
+Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother?
+Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon.
+%
+FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
+
+Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
+Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
+Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
+Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13
+
+A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy
+Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
+
+A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
+Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
+
+A: To be or not to be.
+Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21
+
+A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume.
+Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
+
+A: Chicken Teriyaki.
+Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4
+
+A: Go west, young man, go west!
+Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
+%
+FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5
+
+A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.
+Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
+%
+FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5
+
+ "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"
+ -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
+%
+FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6
+
+ "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
+ -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
+%
+Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
+
+Try:
+ ar t "God"
+ drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell)
+ cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD)
+ Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell)
+ mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell)
+ rm God
+ man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell)
+ date me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
+ make "heads or tails of all this"
+ who is smart
+ (C shell)
+ If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
+ sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD)
+%
+Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
+sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
+
+Oh, and have a nice day!
+ -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
+%
+Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
+
+ I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
+ "Hey you, get off my plate"
+ -- Roger Midnight
+%
+Fortune's current rates:
+
+ Answers .10
+ Long answers .25
+ Answers requiring thought .50
+ Correct answers $1.00
+
+ Dumb looks are still free.
+%
+Fortune's diet truths:
+1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
+2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
+3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
+ an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
+4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
+ salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
+5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
+ appealing as tepid beer.
+6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
+7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
+ low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
+ it isn't.
+8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
+9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
+10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
+11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
+ swallowing.
+%
+Fortune's Exercising Truths:
+
+1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't.
+2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks.
+3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
+4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
+5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
+ quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as
+ you twitter around in your chair.
+6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers.
+7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
+ for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
+ racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
+8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
+ followed by one throw-up.
+9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
+ Christmas Rum Cake
+
+1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
+1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
+1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
+2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
+2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
+
+Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
+select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
+must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
+of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
+mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
+and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
+Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
+of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
+beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
+for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
+seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
+Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
+strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
+Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
+poothtick comes out crean.
+%
+Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
+ "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
+ A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America.
+ A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle.
+ A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family.
+ A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
+ rather than a spotted one.
+ Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
+ while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
+ legume-part of the pea family.
+ A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
+ The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
+Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
+ Can you name the seven seas?
+ Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
+ North Pacific, South Pacific.
+ Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
+ Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44
+ Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108
+
+In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
+there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
+flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14
+ According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath
+at least once a year.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16
+
+The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River
+can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19
+ A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
+his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional
+ability in that particular field."
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
+
+In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
+at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2
+ Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3
+ A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
+movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
+right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
+%
+FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8
+
+ Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart
+a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
+%
+Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
+
+ Don't Write On Walls!
+
+ (and underneath)
+
+ You want I should type?
+%
+Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3
+
+August 27, 1949:
+ A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the
+ Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.
+%
+FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
+What to do...
+ if reality disappears?
+ Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
+ can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
+
+ if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
+ traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
+ Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
+ Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
+ younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
+ expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
+ behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
+ when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
+%
+FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
+What to do...
+ if you get a phone call from Mars:
+ Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
+ your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
+ speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.
+
+ if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
+ Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
+ If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
+ or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
+ calling.
+
+ if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
+ Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
+ he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the
+ conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the
+ charges may have been reversed.
+%
+FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
+What to do...
+ if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
+ First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any
+ film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
+ you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
+ they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
+ Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
+ wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
+
+ if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
+ closet contains an alternate dimension?
+ Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
+ and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
+ and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not
+ wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains
+ an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
+%
+Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:
+
+WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
+
+Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
+of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
+combination of beauty and power. Few have
+excelled him in the use of the English language,
+or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
+'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
+single poem ever written."
+
+Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
+doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
+of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
+ bungling and greed of President
+ Roosevelt.
+
+... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
+not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
+%
+Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
+ No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
+State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
+with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
+weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
+apply to female horses.
+%
+Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals
+goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned
+House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a
+sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
+and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
+
+Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
+ having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
+Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
+Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
+ that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
+ amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of
+ fertilization."
+Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
+ teenagers who read The Congressional Record."
+%
+Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
+
+ Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
+%
+FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14
+
+ Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to
+your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert
+and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
+drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
+
+Q: Are you married?
+A: No, I'm divorced.
+Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
+A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:
+
+Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
+A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
+
+THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
+ information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
+ any ...
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
+
+Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
+A: I will be three months November 8th.
+Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
+A: Yes.
+Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
+
+Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
+A: No.
+Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
+A: Picking them up in the air.
+Q: Where was the dog at this time?
+A: Attached to the ears.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:
+
+Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
+ able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
+ go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
+ him to the station?
+MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:
+
+Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
+A: By death.
+Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:
+
+Q: What is your name?
+A: Ernestine McDowell.
+Q: And what is your marital status?
+A: Fair.
+%
+Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:
+
+Q: What happened then?
+A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
+ me."
+Q: Did he kill you?
+A: No.
+%
+Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2
+
+Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
+the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
+the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments
+in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
+incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
+never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
+memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
+done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand
+the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
+you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact,
+the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:
+
+ 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo.
+ 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
+ 3: When replying to one of your own memos.
+%
+FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2
+
+ Never goose a wolverine.
+%
+FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
+
+ Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
+%
+Forty isn't old, if you're a tree.
+%
+Four be the things I am wiser to know:
+ Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
+
+Four be the things I'd been better without:
+ Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+
+Three be the things I shall never attain:
+ Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
+
+Three be the things I shall have till I die:
+ Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory"
+%
+Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on
+tombstones, women and competitors.
+ -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
+%
+Four hours to bury the cat?
+Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling...
+%
+Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue
+ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature.
+This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.
+ -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn
+%
+Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
+ The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
+ instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
+
+Corollary:
+ Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
+ study for that instructor's course.
+%
+Fourth Law of Revision:
+ It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
+ interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one
+ for you.
+%
+Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
+almost one, it is damn near zero.
+ -- David Ellis
+%
+Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
+policeman's tie.
+%
+Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.
+ -- Rhett Buggler
+%
+Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.
+ -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
+%
+Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire.
+ -- A Yippie proverb
+%
+FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
+%
+FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
+%
+FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
+%
+FreeBSD: putting the horse before the cart since 1992.
+ -- Warner Losh
+%
+FreeBSD Trivia:
+ Did you know that successive security officers take
+control by beheading their predecessor?
+ -- Robert Watson
+%
+Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
+%
+Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
+%
+Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.
+ -- Camus
+%
+Freedom is slavery.
+Ignorance is strength.
+War is peace.
+ -- George Orwell
+%
+Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
+%
+Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
+ -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
+%
+Fremen add life to spice!
+%
+Fresco's Discovery:
+ If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
+%
+Friction is a drag.
+%
+Fried's 1st Rule:
+ Increased automation of clerical function
+ invariably results in increased operational costs.
+%
+Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+ -- Thomas Jones
+%
+Friends, n.:
+ People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
+
+ People who know you well, but like you anyway.
+%
+Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
+Let me clue you in;
+I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
+The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
+The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
+Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
+If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
+And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
+Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
+So are they all, all cool cats, --
+Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
+%
+Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
+over the other.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Frisbeetarianism, n.:
+ The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and
+ gets stuck.
+%
+Frobnicate, v.:
+ To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
+Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a
+frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
+sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
+manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
+search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
+turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
+he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
+screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
+turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
+%
+Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
+ An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
+electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
+FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
+FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
+FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
+via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
+applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
+%
+From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
+ -- Ad for the new VW Corrado
+%
+From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
+That is the point that must be reached.
+ -- F. Kafka
+%
+From a Tru64 patch description:
+
+ Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
+%
+[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
+Association, in Rome]:
+
+The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
+and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
+spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
+or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
+millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
+reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
+engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
+president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
+schizophrenia in mass genocide.
+%
+From Italian tourist guide:
+
+ "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
+ a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
+%
+From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
+%
+From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+From the crystal swirling waters,
+Of the Rio Amazon,
+To the sacred halls of Bayonne,
+Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.)
+From ev'ry hallowed venue,
+Ev'ry forest, mount and vale,
+Your butt is on the menu
+And the check is in the mail.
+ -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races"
+%
+From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
+convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
+ -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
+%
+[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
+in Japan]:
+
+The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
+MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
+featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
+against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
+"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
+Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
+operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
+
+And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
+achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
+HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
+%
+From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
+
+ "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
+ International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
+ October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
+ volunteers who have worked hard to define international
+ standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
+ Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
+ Italy celebrated on October 18."
+%
+From the Pointless Comparison Collection:
+
+ To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are,
+ if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar
+ system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up
+ all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to
+ set off the flash bulb on your camera once.
+
+ -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network
+ systems program at JPL
+%
+From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
+instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
+experience in sound:
+
+ 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
+ sound is normal for this type of connector.
+%
+From too much love of living,
+From hope and fear set free,
+We thank with brief thanksgiving,
+Whatever gods may be,
+That no life lives forever,
+That dead men rise up never,
+That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
+ -- Swinburne
+%
+Fuch's Warning:
+ If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
+ enough to travel.
+%
+Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
+ Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
+%
+Fun experiments:
+ Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
+ Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
+ bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
+%
+Fun Facts, #14:
+ In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how
+ it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
+%
+Fun Facts, #63:
+ The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores.
+ It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the
+ Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in
+ 1510.
+%
+Function reject.
+%
+Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
+%
+Furbling, v.:
+ Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
+ even when you are the only person in line.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
+ -- H. H. Williams
+%
+Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment...
+but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
+%
+Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
+%
+Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
+of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
+secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
+`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
+that's your chance, my boy."
+%
+Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
+ -- Joseph Stalin
+%
+Galbraith's Law of Human Nature:
+ Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that
+ there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
+%
+Garbage In - Gospel Out.
+%
+Garter, n.:
+ An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
+ stockings and desolating the country.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on
+our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
+ -- Adventures of Asterix
+%
+Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
+
+ Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
+than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
+ "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
+Obvious, isn't it?
+ Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
+speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
+long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
+your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
+so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
+individuals and then grow ...
+ Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
+signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
+everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
+the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
+backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
+think not, my friend, I think not.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
+ A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for
+ instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch
+ the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good
+ in it today, either.
+%
+GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
+ Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you
+ can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise
+ and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short
+ trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.
+%
+Genderplex, n.:
+ The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
+ determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
+ tortoises).
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Genealogy, n.:
+ An account of one's descent from an ancestor
+ who did not particularly care to trace his own.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+General notions are generally wrong.
+ -- Lady M. W. Montagu
+%
+Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.
+ -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
+%
+Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
+%
+Generic Fortune.
+%
+Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
+%
+Genetics explains why you look like your father,
+and if you don't, why you should.
+%
+GENIUS:
+ Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
+ time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying
+ all the right things to all the right people.
+%
+Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can.
+ -- Owen Meredith
+%
+Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
+ -- Thomas Alva Edison
+%
+Genius is pain.
+ -- John Lennon
+%
+Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
+%
+Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
+%
+Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Genius, n.:
+ A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
+ "bright".
+%
+Genlock, n.:
+ Why he stays in the bottle.
+%
+Gentlemen,
+ Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach
+to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying
+with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
+thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
+ We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
+manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable.
+I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer.
+Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable
+exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
+ Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted
+for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous
+confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry
+regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
+may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a
+fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
+ This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of
+my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand
+why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it
+must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either
+one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:
+ 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit
+of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
+ 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
+ -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
+ London, 1812
+%
+Gentlemen do not read each other's mail.
+ -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down
+ the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National
+ Security Agency.
+%
+Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's
+old girl friend.
+%
+George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
+his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
+ "Bring a friend, if you have one."
+
+Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
+had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
+ "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
+%
+George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
+ -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
+%
+George Orwell was an optimist.
+%
+George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
+have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
+ -- Ashley Cooper
+%
+George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let
+me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
+ "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
+ At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
+and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
+No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
+George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at
+the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
+Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
+ "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
+yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
+ "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're
+gonna get on Labor Day."
+%
+(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only
+one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added,
+"And he didn't understand me."
+%
+Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
+ 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
+ 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
+ 3) The energy required to change either one of these states
+ will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
+ much as to make the task totally impossible.
+%
+Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
+%
+Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light.
+ -- Dylan Thomas
+%
+Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
+%
+Getting into trouble is easy.
+ -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
+%
+Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
+out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
+ -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
+ of the American Bar Association
+%
+Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
+
+Corollary:
+ Following the rules will not get the job done.
+%
+Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
+%
+Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
+
+'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
+Snatch them from their little housies (...)
+First we chase them 'round the field (...)
+Then we have them for a meal (...)
+
+Toss them here and catch them there (...)
+See them flying through the air (...)
+Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
+Falling mice have great appeal (...)
+
+See the hunter stretched before us (...)
+He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
+Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
+Of the blood of little critters (...)
+%
+Gilbert's Discovery:
+ Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
+ sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
+%
+Gil-galad was an Elven-King
+of him the harpers sadly sing;
+the last whose realm was fair and free
+between the Mountains and the Sea.
+
+His sword was long, his lance was keen,
+his shining helm afar was seen;
+the countless stars of heaven's field
+were mirrored in his silver shield.
+
+But long ago he rode away,
+and where he dwelleth none can say;
+for into darkness fell his star
+in Mordor where the shadows are.
+%
+Ginger Snap
+%
+Ginsberg's Theorem:
+ 1. You can't win.
+ 2. You can't break even.
+ 3. You can't even quit the game.
+
+Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
+ Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
+ meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
+ Theorem. To wit:
+
+ 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
+ 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
+ 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
+%
+Ginsburg's Law:
+ At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
+ big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
+%
+GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
+%
+Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
+and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
+%
+Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
+Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
+ -- Calvin Keegan
+%
+Give a small boy a hammer and he will find
+that everything he encounters needs pounding.
+%
+Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
+%
+Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down
+that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
+%
+Give him an evasive answer.
+%
+Give me a fish and I will eat today.
+Teach me to fish and I will eat forever.
+%
+Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh
+dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
+%
+Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
+%
+Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war.
+ -- Napoleon
+%
+Give me libertines or give me meth.
+%
+Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe,
+Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow!
+But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send,
+Save me, oh save me from the candid friend.
+ -- George Canning
+%
+Give me your students, your secretaries,
+Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
+The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
+Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
+I lift my disk beside the processor.
+ -- Inscription on a Word Processor
+%
+Give thought to your reputation.
+Consider changing your name and moving to a new town.
+%
+GIVE UP!!!!
+%
+Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
+%
+Give your very best today.
+Heaven knows it's little enough.
+%
+Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.
+ -- William Faulkner
+%
+Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the
+Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.
+ -- John Gilmore
+%
+Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
+%
+Given sufficient time, what you put
+off doing today will get done by itself.
+%
+Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd
+rather lie around. No contest.
+ -- Eric Clapton
+%
+Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and
+car keys to teenage boys.
+ -- P. J. O'Rourke
+%
+Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: Languages
+whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP machine now permits
+LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Gleemites, n.:
+ Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
+ Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
+ probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
+ some useful work done.
+%
+Gloffing is a state of mine.
+%
+Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
+ fifth of dry red wine
+ fifth of Aquavit
+ 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
+ 10 cardamom seeds
+ 1 cup raisins
+ 4 dried figs
+ 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
+ a few pieces of dried orange peel
+ 5 cloves
+ 1/2 lb. sugar cubes
+ Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
+for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
+the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
+strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
+Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
+hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
+ N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
+if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
+extraction.
+%
+Gnagloot, n.:
+ A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
+ impress people.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Go ahead, make my day.
+ -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan
+%
+Go away, I'm all right.
+ -- H. G. Wells' last words
+%
+Go away! Stop bothering me with all your
+"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP.
+
+logout\a
+%
+Go climb a gravity well.
+%
+Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
+%
+Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
+ -- J. R. R. Tolkien
+%
+Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
+ -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
+%
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
+be in owning a piece thereof.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends,
+but quickly to their misfortunes.
+ -- Chilo
+%
+Go to a movie tonight.
+Darkness becomes you.
+%
+Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to
+all your troubles.
+ -- Andrew Jackson
+
+The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the
+teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith
+in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+
+Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and
+religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted
+on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be
+secure which is not supported by moral habits.
+ -- Daniel Webster
+%
+Go 'way! You're bothering me!
+%
+Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...
+ -- Wally Shawn
+%
+GOD:
+ Darwin's chief rival.
+%
+God created a few perfect heads.
+The rest he covered with hair.
+%
+God created woman.
+And boredom did indeed cease from that moment --
+but many other things ceased as well.
+Woman was God's second mistake.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
+days and then pulled an all-nighter.
+%
+God gave man two ears and one tongue so
+that we listen twice as much as we speak.
+ -- Arab proverb
+%
+"God gives burdens; also shoulders."
+
+Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
+end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
+can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
+would he lie about a thing like that?
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to
+change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
+%
+God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
+The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
+not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
+not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
+and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
+not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in the
+morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
+ -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
+%
+God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more
+that you try to find success, the more that you will fail.
+ -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
+%
+God help those who do not help themselves.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+God helps them that helps themselves.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
+%
+God instructs the heart, not by ideas,
+but by pains and contradictions.
+ -- De Caussade
+%
+God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
+%
+God is Dead.
+ -- Nietzsche
+Nietzsche is Dead.
+ -- God
+Nietzsche is God.
+ -- The Dead
+%
+God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....
+ -- Ralph Moonen
+%
+God is love, but get it in writing.
+ -- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a
+much less ambitious project.
+%
+God is real, unless declared integer.
+%
+God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
+elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
+other things.
+ -- Pablo Picasso
+%
+God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
+ -- Alfred Jarry
+%
+God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
+%
+God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
+ -- Paul Valery
+%
+God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
+%
+God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
+ -- Kronecker
+%
+God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
+%
+God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
+%
+God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,
+Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
+The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
+Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
+The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
+Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
+(chorus) (chorus)
+
+We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
+They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
+A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
+It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
+The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
+We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
+(chorus) (chorus)
+
+And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
+Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
+We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
+Won't ruin your whole day.
+You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
+(chorus)
+ -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
+%
+God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
+and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
+ -- William Bragg
+%
+God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it.
+%
+God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle.
+%
+God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects
+to receive it.
+ -- Austin O'Malley
+%
+God votes Republican.
+%
+God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Goda's Truism:
+ By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
+ somebody moves the ends.
+%
+Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
+%
+Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school
+make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
+%
+Gold, n.:
+ A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
+ is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
+ men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
+ although gold hasn't done anything to them.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Goldenstern's Rules:
+ 1. Always hire a rich attorney.
+ 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
+%
+Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops
+eating before he bursts.
+%
+Gold's Law:
+ If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
+%
+Gomme's Laws:
+ (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
+ (2) Time accelerates.
+ (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
+%
+Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
+ -- by Margaret Mitchell
+
+ A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
+
+Gift of the Magii LITE(tm)
+ -- by O. Henry
+
+ A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
+
+The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
+ -- by Ernest Hemingway
+
+ An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
+
+Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
+ -- by Anne Frank
+
+ A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
+%
+Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
+%
+Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
+%
+Good day for business affairs.
+Make a pass at that the new file clerk.
+%
+Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
+%
+Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
+%
+Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work.
+%
+Good day to deal with people in high places;
+particularly lonely stewardesses.
+%
+Good day to let down old friends who need help.
+%
+Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational
+at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
+ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
+song. If you would like, I could sing it for you.
+%
+Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
+%
+Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of
+those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the
+will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of
+government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
+ -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune"
+%
+"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
+%
+Good judgment comes from experience.
+Experience comes from bad judgment.
+ -- Jim Horning
+%
+Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
+%
+Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're
+giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
+at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now.
+%
+Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
+%
+Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
+%
+Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
+%
+Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
+%
+Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
+%
+Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
+new lover.
+%
+Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.
+ -- R. E. Schenk
+%
+Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.
+ -- Gail Godwin
+%
+Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
+ -- George Saunders' dying words
+%
+Goodbye, cool world.
+%
+Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
+tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human
+misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
+that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
+my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
+my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
+holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
+ -- George Lincoln Rockwell
+%
+Gordon's first law:
+ If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
+ well.
+%
+Gordon's Law:
+ If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
+%
+Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
+time travel, you never can tell.
+ -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara"
+%
+Gossip, n.:
+ Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
+ -- Earl Wilson
+%
+//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
+%
+Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
+Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
+
+ 1-800-AUDITME
+%
+Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
+%
+Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
+I went out for a ride and never came back.
+Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
+I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.
+
+ Everybody's got a hungry heart.
+ Everybody's got a hungry heart.
+ Lay down your money and you play your part,
+ Everybody's got a hungry heart.
+
+I met her in a Kingstown bar,
+We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
+We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
+Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
+
+Everybody needs a place to rest,
+Everybody wants to have a home.
+Don't make no difference what nobody says,
+Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
+ -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
+%
+Got Mole problems?
+Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
+%
+Goto, n.:
+ A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
+ to complain about unstructured programmers.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+Gourmet, n.:
+ Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
+ revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
+ leaving the best part.
+%
+Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.
+ -- John Updike, "Couples"
+%
+Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
+different lies.
+%
+Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any
+more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't
+know much.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Government's Law:
+ There is an exception to all laws.
+%
+Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
+leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
+board.
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+Grabel's Law:
+ 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
+%
+Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
+%
+Graduate students and most professors are
+no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
+%
+Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
+he exclaimed:
+ "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
+ or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Grandpa Charnock's Law:
+ You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
+
+ [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.]
+%
+Graphics blind the eyes.
+Audio files deafen the ear.
+Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
+Heuristics weaken the mind.
+Options wither the heart.
+
+The Guru observes the net
+but trusts his inner vision.
+He allows things to come and go.
+His heart is as open as the ether.
+%
+GRASSHOPPOTAMUS:
+ A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
+%
+Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.
+ -- Joseph Alsop
+%
+GRAVITY:
+ What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
+%
+Gravity brings me down.
+%
+Gray's Law of Programming:
+ 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be
+ accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
+
+Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
+ 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
+%
+Great acts are made up of small deeds.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Great American Axiom:
+ Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
+%
+Great minds run in great circles.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17):
+
+On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his
+place of residence.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751
+
+Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
+%
+GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915
+
+Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
+%
+Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+
+They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they
+also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
+ -- Carl Sagan
+%
+Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
+%
+Green light in A.M. for new projects.
+Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
+%
+Greener's Law:
+ Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
+%
+Green's Law of Debate:
+Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
+%
+Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming:
+ Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains
+ an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation
+ of half of Common Lisp.
+%
+Grelb's Reminder:
+ Eighty percent of all people consider
+ themselves to be above average drivers.
+%
+grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
+%
+Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full
+value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Griffin's Thought:
+ When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
+%
+Grig (the navigator):
+ ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
+ armada.
+Alex (the gunner):
+ What?!?
+Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
+ overwhelming odds.
+Alex: It'll be a slaughter!
+Grig: That's the spirit!
+ -- The Last Starfighter
+%
+Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
+ At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
+%
+Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the
+groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide.
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
+ -- Maurice Chevalier
+%
+Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
+reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
+concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
+disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
+any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
+meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
+Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
+adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
+authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
+television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
+sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
+combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
+universe while straddling a giant worm.
+ -- Arnold Klein
+%
+Grub first, then ethics.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+GUILLOTINE:
+ A French chopping center.
+%
+Gumperson's Law:
+ The probability of a given event
+ occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
+%
+Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
+%
+Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
+ (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
+ the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
+ (2) The strength of the turbulence
+ is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
+%
+Gurmlish, n.:
+ The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents
+ the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+GURU:
+ A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
+ a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
+ phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
+%
+Guru, n.:
+ A computer owner who can read the manual.
+%
+Gyroscope, n.:
+ A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
+free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
+other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
+mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
+other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
+offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
+torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
+ -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
+%
+H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
+ Slice him up before he slays you.
+ Nothing makes you look a slob
+ Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
+Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
+ -- Maxwell Bodenheim
+%
+H. L. Mencken's Law:
+ Those who can -- do.
+ Those who can't -- teach.
+
+Martin's Extension:
+ Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
+
+ [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.]
+%
+Hacker, n.:
+ Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate
+things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical
+philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack."
+ In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body
+of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in
+a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight,
+and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty:
+
+ Hacker's Fight Song
+
+ He's a Hack! He's a Hack!
+ He's a guy with the happy knack!
+ Never bungles, never shirks,
+ Always gets his stuff to work!
+
+All take a drink (important!)
+%
+Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers.
+%
+Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
+2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
+ really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
+1 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
+ strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
+1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
+8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
+ can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
+"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to
+ join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
+ merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
+ and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric
+ beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
+ the ceiling(3m).
+"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You
+ just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
+ If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
+ GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
+"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge
+ for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
+ by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
+%
+Hacker's Law:
+ The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
+ nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
+%
+Hackers of the world, unite!
+%
+Hacker's Quicky #313:
+ Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips
+ Microwave Egg Roll
+ Chocolate Milk
+%
+Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
+%
+Had he and I but met
+By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry,
+We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face,
+Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me,
+ And killed him in his place.
+I shot him dead because --
+Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
+Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I --
+That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps
+ No other reason why.
+Yes; quaint and curious war is!
+You shoot a fellow down
+You'd treat, if met where any bar is
+Or help to half-a-crown.
+ -- Thomas Hardy
+%
+Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
+useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
+ -- Alfonso the Wise
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to operating system initialization.]
+%
+Had this been an actual emergency, we would have
+fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
+%
+Hail to the sun god
+He's such a fun god
+Ra! Ra! Ra!
+%
+Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
+%
+Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that
+a big enough majority in any town?
+ -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
+%
+Hale Mail Rule, The:
+ When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
+ one of the following:
+ (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
+ (b) Stationery.
+ (c) Postage stamp.
+ (d) The letter you are answering.
+%
+Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
+But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See?
+But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
+When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
+%
+Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.)
+%
+Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
+%
+Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
+and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
+%
+Half-done, n.:
+ This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
+ light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
+ and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
+ difference between life and death.
+
+ You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
+ in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
+ fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
+ transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
+ Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
+ about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
+ man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
+%
+Hall's Laws of Politics:
+ (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
+ (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
+ something fixed.
+ (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
+ military spending, and conservatives social spending in
+ their own districts).
+%
+Hand, n.:
+ A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
+ commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Handel's Proverb:
+ You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
+%
+Handshaking protocol, n.:
+ A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
+ terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
+ occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
+%
+Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way.
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+Hangover, n.:
+ The wrath of grapes.
+%
+Hanlon's Razor:
+ Never attribute to malice
+ that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
+%
+Hanson's Treatment of Time:
+ There are never enough hours in a day,
+ but always too many days before Saturday.
+%
+Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
+%
+Happiness is a hard disk.
+%
+Happiness is a positive cash flow.
+%
+Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
+ -- Ingrid Bergman
+%
+Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
+%
+Happiness is the greatest good.
+%
+Happiness is twin floppies.
+%
+Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
+%
+Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
+ -- Oscar Levant
+%
+Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
+%
+Happiness, n.:
+ An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
+ another.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Happiness, n.:
+ Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
+%
+Happy feast of the pig!
+%
+Happy is the child whose father died rich.
+%
+Hard, adj.:
+ The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
+ of other people.
+%
+Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.
+ -- Daniel Dennett
+%
+Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance?
+%
+Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
+ -- Charlie McCarthy
+%
+Hardware, n.:
+ The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
+%
+Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
+The Duke is fond of kittens
+He likes to take their insides out
+And use them for his mittens
+ -- "The 13 Clocks"
+%
+Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
+Advertising wondrous things.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
+convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
+ -- Tobias Smollet
+%
+Harp not on that string.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Harriet's Dining Observation:
+ In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats
+ increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
+%
+Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George
+and I were waiting with our plates ready.
+ "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help
+the gravy with."
+ The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
+reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
+again, Harris and the pie were gone!
+ It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
+hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
+on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
+ George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
+ "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried.
+ "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George.
+ There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly
+theory.
+ "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending
+to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake."
+ And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he
+hadn't been carving that pie."
+ -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat"
+%
+Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
+ Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
+ equipment ruined.
+%
+Harrison's Postulate:
+For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
+%
+Harris's Lament:
+ All the good ones are taken.
+%
+Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
+always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
+required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
+were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
+feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
+a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
+pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
+procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
+took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
+the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
+again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
+waiting for the funeral to pass like that."
+ Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
+was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
+could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
+you know."
+%
+Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
+makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
+famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
+probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
+have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
+enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
+attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
+down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
+just like Richard Nixon."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
+%
+Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
+milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
+sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
+with all that pep and vitality.
+%
+Hartley's First Law:
+ You can lead a horse to water, but if you can
+ get him to float on his back, you've got something.
+%
+Hartley's Second Law:
+ Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+
+My corollary:
+ The completely psychotic have all the fun.
+%
+Harvard Law:
+ Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
+ temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
+ organism will do as it damn well pleases.
+%
+HARVARD:
+Quarterback:
+ Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
+a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski
+has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
+has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
+Wide Receiver:
+ The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
+Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
+fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
+or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
+asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
+those times.
+YALE:
+Defense:
+ On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
+Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
+Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
+the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
+out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
+coin toss.
+ -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
+%
+Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter?
+%
+Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are typed
+with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard
+was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands.
+It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural,
+but a lot harder than it appears.
+%
+Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
+appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
+and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
+not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
+incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
+%
+Haste makes waste.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Hatcheck girl:
+ "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!"
+Mae West:
+ "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."
+ -- "Night After Night", 1932
+%
+Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is
+stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
+%
+Hate the sin and love the sinner.
+ -- Mahatma Gandhi
+%
+Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie,
+unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.
+ -- Mike Royko
+%
+Hatred, n.:
+ A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
+ superiority.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Have a coke and a smile!
+ -- John DeLorean
+%
+Have a nice day!
+%
+Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
+%
+Have a place for everything and keep the thing
+somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Have a taco.
+ -- P. S. Beagle
+%
+Have an adequate day.
+%
+Have at you!
+%
+Have no friends not equal to yourself.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
+to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
+non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
+
+Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
+still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
+only serves to blunt the warning signs.
+
+ Long live the revolution!
+ Have a nice day.
+%
+Have the courage to take your own thoughts
+seriously, for they will shape you.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
+halfway between an oven and a pasture?
+walking in a trance toward a pregnant
+ seventeen-year-old housewife's
+ two-day-old cookbook?
+ -- Richard Brautigan
+%
+Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
+
+Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me,
+she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and
+whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.
+So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to
+remain so.
+ -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady"
+%
+Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying
+to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play'
+never find the time for play?
+%
+Have you flogged your kid today?
+%
+Have you locked your file cabinet?
+%
+Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy,
+vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
+%
+Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
+sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
+ -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
+%
+Have you reconsidered a computer career?
+%
+Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can
+photograph an American with his mouth shut!
+%
+Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
+Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
+In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
+Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
+
+How can you tell me you're lonely,
+And say for you the sun don't shine?
+Let me take you by the hand
+Lead you through the streets of London
+I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
+
+Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission
+Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
+In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
+For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
+%
+Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
+On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
+High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
+Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
+If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
+Why don't you go where fashion sits,
+...
+Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
+Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
+Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
+Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+...
+If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
+Why don't you go where fashion sits,
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+Puttin' on the Ritz.
+%
+Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin
+in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father,
+then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and
+eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food,
+blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After
+the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home.
+ -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman"
+%
+Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
+%
+Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
+ -- Martin Mull
+%
+Having no talent is no longer enough.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.
+ -- Socrates
+%
+Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
+relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
+the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
+ "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big
+dog, too!"
+%
+Hawkeye's Conclusion:
+ It's not easy to play the clown
+ when you've got to run the whole circus.
+%
+He: Do you like Kipling?
+She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
+%
+He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
+She: "What do you want me to yell?"
+ -- Benny Hill
+%
+HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
+SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
+ -- Walt Kelley
+%
+He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
+effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
+perversion.
+ -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"
+%
+He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all
+the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
+ -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
+%
+He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
+%
+He draweth out the thread of his verbosity
+finer than the staple of his argument.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions.
+ -- Stephen Leacock
+%
+He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
+%
+He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
+perfectly delightful.
+ -- Sydney Smith
+%
+He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild
+and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned
+all hope of ever behaving "normally."
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer,
+Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude".
+ -- Stig's Inferno
+%
+He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.
+ -- Bion
+%
+He hath eaten me out of house and home.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle
+of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he
+said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
+ -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
+%
+He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
+ -- John LeCarre
+%
+He is considered a most graceful speaker
+who can say nothing in the most words.
+%
+He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
+%
+He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+He is the best of men who dislikes power.
+ -- Mohammed
+%
+He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
+%
+He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
+%
+He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
+%
+He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
+ -- Geoffrey Chaucer
+%
+He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.
+ -- Sir Richard Burton
+%
+He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told,
+once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
+%
+He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
+ -- Ring Lardner
+%
+He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
+ -- Andrew Lang
+%
+He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain
+had fallen to the ground.
+ -- The Book of Serenity
+%
+(He opens a tolm and begins.)
+
+ It says: "In the beginning was the Word."
+ Already I am stopped. It seems absurd.
+ The Word does not deserve the highest prize,
+ I must translate it otherwise.
+ If I am well inspired and not blind.
+ It says: "In the beginning was the Mind."
+ Ponder that first line, wait and see,
+ Lest you should write too hastily.
+ Is the Mind the all-creating source?
+ It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force."
+ Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen,
+ That my translation must be changed again.
+ The spirit helps me. Now it is exact.
+ I write: "In the beginning was the Act."
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust"
+%
+[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace.
+ -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear
+
+My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
+ -- Peter Stack, movie review
+
+His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
+ -- John Stark, movie review
+%
+He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
+ -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
+%
+He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick,
+And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
+ -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband
+%
+He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
+ -- J. R. R. Tolkien
+%
+He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
+ -- Scottish proverb
+%
+He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
+%
+He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
+%
+He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
+ -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
+%
+He thought he saw an albatross
+That fluttered 'round the lamp.
+He looked again and saw it was
+A penny postage stamp.
+"You'd best be getting home," he said,
+"The nights are rather damp."
+%
+He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than
+three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked.
+In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by
+slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply,
+the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'."
+ -- Eric Van Lustbader
+%
+[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had
+a complete set.
+ -- Ring Lardner
+%
+He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
+%
+He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
+made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
+disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
+dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
+told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
+ -- Jonathan Swift
+%
+He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
+insufferable.
+%
+He was part of my dream, of course --
+but then I was part of his dream too.
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
+%
+He was the sort of person whose personality
+would be greatly improved by a terminal illness.
+%
+He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
+%
+He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
+broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
+ -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
+%
+He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
+the human condition is a fool.
+ -- Albert Camus
+%
+He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
+ -- Sinbad
+%
+He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
+%
+He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
+%
+He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
+%
+He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
+%
+He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
+%
+He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much
+a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
+ -- Giacomo Leopardi
+%
+He who hates vices hates mankind.
+%
+He who hesitates is a damned fool.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+He who hesitates is last.
+%
+He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
+%
+He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
+%
+He who invents adages for others to peruse
+takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
+%
+He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
+%
+He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
+%
+He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
+%
+He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't
+encounter many rivals.
+ -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms"
+%
+He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the
+night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his
+senses until the day of judgment.
+ -- Saadi
+%
+He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
+%
+He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
+He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
+He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
+%
+He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
+But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
+And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
+ he knows something. Or something like that.
+%
+He who knows others is wise.
+He who knows himself is enlightened.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
+%
+He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
+%
+He who laughs last is probably your boss.
+%
+He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
+%
+He who laughs, lasts.
+%
+He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
+%
+He who loses, wins the race,
+And parallel lines meet in space.
+ -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"
+%
+He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
+ -- Dr. Johnson
+%
+He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
+%
+He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will
+be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.
+ -- Sir Richard Burton
+%
+He who slings mud generally loses ground.
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson
+%
+He who slings mud loses ground.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
+%
+He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
+%
+He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.
+ -- Sinbad
+%
+He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
+ -- M. C. Escher
+%
+He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion
+on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general
+education and culture.
+ -- Julia Norton McCorkle
+%
+HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!!
+Details at 11.
+%
+Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
+%
+Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
+lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
+ -- Redd Foxx
+%
+Hear about...
+ the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
+ Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
+%
+Hear about...
+ the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
+ would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
+ attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
+ up a chopped libber?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because
+ he wanted to transcend dental medication?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
+ that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This
+ Space"?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
+ company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
+ typewriter's ribbon?
+%
+Hear about...
+ the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery?
+ One fortunate cookie...
+%
+Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.
+From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.
+ -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
+%
+Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several
+Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
+%
+Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
+ -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant,
+on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning.
+ -- Dr. John Lightfoot,
+ Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University
+%
+Heaven, n.:
+ A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
+ their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
+ while you expound your own.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
+ -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
+%
+Heavy, adj.:
+ Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
+%
+Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
+%
+Heisenberg may have been here.
+%
+Heisenberg may have slept here.
+%
+Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
+ -- Milton Friedman
+%
+Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place,
+for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus"
+%
+Hell, if you don't try to remake someone,
+how are they supposed to know you care?
+%
+Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
+%
+Hell, n.:
+ Truth seen too late.
+%
+Heller's Law:
+ The first myth of management is that it exists.
+
+Johnson's Corollary:
+ Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
+ organization.
+%
+Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
+please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
+Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
+%
+Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
+date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
+And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
+you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
+smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
+don't hear your girl screaming any more?
+
+ Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
+ You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
+ You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship!
+%
+"Hello," he lied.
+ -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
+%
+Hell's broken loose.
+ -- Robert Greene
+%
+Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
+%
+HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
+%
+HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
+ -- E. E. CUMMINGS
+%
+Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
+%
+Help fight continental drift.
+%
+HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune!
+%
+Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
+%
+Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
+%
+Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
+%
+Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without
+getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering
+her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or
+regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make
+them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging
+them, without any power of engaging their respect.
+ -- J. Austen
+%
+Her locks an ancient lady gave
+Her loving husband's life to save;
+And men -- they honored so the dame --
+Upon some stars bestowed her name.
+
+But to our modern married fair,
+Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
+No stellar recognition's given.
+There are not stars enough in heaven.
+%
+Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people;
+from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth...
+%
+Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
+%
+Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
+I've been caught inside this trap too many times
+I must've walked these steps and said these words a
+ thousand times before
+It seems like I know everybody's lines.
+ -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
+%
+Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when
+I grow up.
+ -- Peter Drucker
+%
+Here I sit, broken-hearted,
+All logged in, but work unstarted.
+First net.this and net.that,
+And a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
+
+The boss comes by, and I play the game,
+Then I turn back to net.flame.
+Is there a cure (I need your views),
+For someone trapped in net.news?
+
+I need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
+'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
+%
+Here in my heart, I am Helen;
+ I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
+I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;
+ I'm Salome, moon of the East.
+
+Here in my soul I am Sappho;
+ Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
+In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
+ With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.
+
+I'm all of the glamorous ladies
+ At whose beckoning history shook.
+But you are a man, and see only my pan,
+ So I stay at home with a book.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
+lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
+your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
+Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
+pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
+but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
+important electrical lesson.
+
+It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
+your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
+objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
+attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
+collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
+friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
+carpet, thus completing the circuit.
+
+Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
+touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
+finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
+have carpeting.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
+if you're alive, it isn't.
+%
+Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According
+to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe
+marketing anxiety in China.
+
+The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the
+inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
+
+Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
+
+The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get
+a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
+tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad
+satiric vistas do not open up.
+ -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+HERE LIES LESTER MOORE
+SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44
+NO LES
+NO MOORE
+ -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ
+%
+Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
+Now she's at rest, and so am I.
+ -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
+%
+Here there by tygers.
+%
+HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in
+the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms
+around as if you're going to fall.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
+`Psychic Wins Lottery.'
+ -- Jay Leno
+%
+Herth's Law:
+ He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
+%
+He's been like a father to me,
+He's the only DJ you can get after three,
+I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
+And why he don't like me I don't understand.
+ -- The Byrds
+%
+He's dead, Jim.
+%
+He's got the heart of a little child,
+and he keeps it in a jar on his desk.
+%
+He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
+%
+He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
+%
+He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of
+his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
+ -- Phil Lapsley
+%
+He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
+be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
+%
+He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is.
+%
+Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.
+If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
+%
+Hewett's Observation:
+ The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or
+ her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of
+ peers similarly engaged.
+%
+Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
+To get a little more stack;
+If that's not enough then you lose it all
+And have to pop all the way back.
+%
+Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were
+gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number?
+%
+HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
+ Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to
+ tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
+ these words were spoken.
+%
+Hey, what do you expect from a culture that
+*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?
+ -- Gallagher
+%
+Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
+Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
+%
+Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
+the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please
+leave your name and message after the beep...
+%
+Hi! How are things going?
+ (just fine, thank you...)
+Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
+ (you just asked one...)
+Well, how about one more?
+ (one more than the first one?)
+Yes.
+ (you already asked that...)
+[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
+May I ask two questions, sir?
+ (no.)
+May I ask ONE then?
+ (nope...)
+Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
+ (yes, you may.)
+Sir, how may I ask you a question?
+ (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
+ the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
+ number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
+ next one)
+Sir, may I ask nine questions?
+ (go right ahead...)
+%
+Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
+As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
+equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
+Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
+probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
+course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
+experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
+of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
+
+Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
+motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
+%
+Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax.
+You wanna help on the audit now?
+%
+Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
+reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
+nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
+%
+Hickery Dickery Dock,
+The mice ran up the clock,
+The clock struck one,
+The others escaped with minor injuries.
+%
+Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?
+
+ WE CAN HELP!
+
+Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
+%
+Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
+Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
+Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
+Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
+ We buried him today because
+ As far as we can tell, he's dead.
+ -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
+ Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
+ "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
+ Schickele
+%
+Higgeldy Piggeldy,
+Hamlet of Elsinore
+Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb:
+"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis --
+Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."
+%
+Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
+Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a
+ little of both.
+ -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
+%
+High heels are a device invented by a woman
+who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
+%
+High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
+Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
+ saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
+ smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
+ people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
+ breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
+High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
+Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
+ out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
+ *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
+ counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
+ count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
+ RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
+ then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
+ naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
+All: Amen.
+ -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
+%
+HIGH TECHNOLOGY:
+ A California innovation composed
+ of equal parts of silicon and marijuana.
+%
+Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
+%
+Hildebrant's Principle:
+ If you don't know where you are going,
+ any road will get you there.
+%
+Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?"
+Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist."
+Him: "Really? That's incredible...
+ It must be very tough to handle weightlessness."
+ -- "The Jerk"
+%
+Hindsight is always 20:20.
+ -- Billy Wilder
+%
+Hippogriff, n.:
+ An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
+ The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
+ eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
+ eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study
+ of zoology is full of surprises.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Hire the morally handicapped.
+%
+His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob
+a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.
+ -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
+%
+...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest.
+ -- Tommy
+%
+His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
+outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew...
+%
+His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred
+to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never
+claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum-
+stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit.
+Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers
+went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of
+prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri,
+goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through
+the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the
+Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze
+rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday.
+Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
+ -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
+%
+His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
+money, he went to Southern California.
+%
+His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
+%
+His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.
+ -- P. G. Wodehouse
+%
+His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
+%
+His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.
+ -- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.
+%
+Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
+of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
+continues to this day.
+ -- Wayne Shannon
+%
+History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
+%
+History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history
+of the Mexican revolution:
+
+ "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was
+captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
+shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to
+the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the
+army where he was then executed."
+%
+History is curious stuff
+ You'd think by now we had enough
+Yet the fact remains I fear
+ They make more of it every year.
+%
+History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles,
+cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.
+ -- Leo Tolstoy
+%
+History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
+%
+History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.
+ -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
+%
+History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
+%
+History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second
+time as bedroom farce.
+%
+History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
+%
+History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge,
+periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them
+asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at
+intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago
+state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained.
+ -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species"
+%
+Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
+Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
+Pour my black old coffee longer,
+While that smell is gettin' stronger
+A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.
+
+Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
+With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
+If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
+The Lord'll bless your sharin'
+A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.
+
+And let me halfway fall in love,
+For part of a lonely night,
+With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
+Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
+Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
+With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
+ -- Elroy Blunt
+%
+Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
+ The stapler runs out of staples
+ only while you are trying to staple something.
+%
+Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
+agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
+used against the coloured.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+Hlade's Law:
+ If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
+ they will find an easier way to do it.
+%
+Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents:
+An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel.
+
+The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional
+media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters,
+discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores
+our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental
+structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to
+remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and
+creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its
+inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and
+class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of
+the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has
+sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to
+exist in a more fundamental sense.
+%
+Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
+ Inside every large problem is a small
+ problem struggling to get out.
+%
+Hodie natus est radici frater.
+%
+Hoffer's Discovery:
+ The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
+ revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
+%
+Hofstadter's Law:
+ It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
+ Hofstadter's Law into account.
+%
+HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
+ Take a shot every time:
+
+-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
+-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
+-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
+-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
+-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
+ if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
+-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
+-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
+ tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
+-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
+-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
+-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
+-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
+-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
+-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
+-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
+-- Lebeau wears his apron.
+-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the
+ plan is impossible.
+-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
+%
+Hollerith, v.:
+ What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
+%
+Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
+ -- Rex Reed
+%
+Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder?
+Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
+
+ Tune in again tomorrow:
+ same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
+%
+HOLY MACRO!
+%
+Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
+they have to take you in.
+ -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
+%
+Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a
+cage is to a cockatoo.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
+The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
+ -- Chris Shaw
+%
+Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
+%
+"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.
+ -- Plato
+%
+Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
+%
+Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
+ -- F. M. Hubbard
+%
+Honesty's the best policy.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Honeymoon, n.:
+ A short period of doting between dating and debting.
+ -- Ray C. Bandy
+%
+Honi soit la vache qui rit.
+%
+Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
+%
+Honk if you love peace and quiet.
+%
+Honorable, adj.:
+ Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
+ bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
+ "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+Hope is a waking dream.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.
+ -- M. Horner
+%
+Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
+%
+Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound.
+ -- Peanuts
+%
+Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much
+as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.
+ -- Moore
+%
+Horner's Five Thumb Postulate:
+ Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
+%
+Horngren's Observation:
+ Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+%
+Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
+ -- Jack Benny
+%
+Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
+%
+HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
+%
+Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
+had towels from my house.
+ -- Mark Guido
+%
+Houdini escaping from New Jersey!
+%
+Household hint:
+ If you are out of cream for your coffee,
+ mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
+%
+Housework can kill you if done right.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed.
+ -- Neil Armstrong
+%
+How apt the poor are to be proud.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
+%
+How can you be in two places at once
+when you're not anywhere at all?
+%
+How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind?
+ -- Schulz
+%
+How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
+ -- Charles de Gaulle
+%
+How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
+thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
+in the waking state?
+ -- Plato
+%
+How can you think and hit at the same time?
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+How can you work when the system's so crowded?
+%
+How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
+%
+How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
+claim they'll make you?
+%
+How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
+%
+How come we never talk anymore?
+%
+How come wrong numbers are never busy?
+%
+How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
+in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
+ -- A. Cooper
+%
+How could they think women a recreation?
+Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest?
+Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm
+of flesh must prove a luxury of primes;
+be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth.
+Which is not to damn the forested China of touching.
+I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge
+of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me.
+The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth.
+Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins.
+A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying.
+I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege,
+for my life has been eaten in that foliate city.
+To ambergris. But not for recreation.
+I would not have lost so much for recreation.
+
+Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
+of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
+Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
+have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
+But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
+To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
+and call and call forever till she turn from bird
+to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
+To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman
+in all her fresh particularity of difference.
+Then oh, through the underwater time of night
+indecent and still, to speak to her without habit.
+This I have done with my life, and am content.
+I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark,
+standing in the huge singing and the alien world.
+ -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell"
+%
+How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
+%
+How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
+ -- Elliot, "E.T."
+%
+How doth the little crocodile
+ Improve his shining tail,
+And pour the waters of the Nile
+ On every golden scale!
+
+How cheerfully he seems to grin,
+ How neatly spreads his claws,
+And welcomes little fishes in,
+ With gently smiling jaws!
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+How doth the VAX's C-compiler
+ Improve its object code.
+And even as we speak does it
+ Increase the system load.
+
+How patiently it seems to run
+ And spit out error flags,
+While users, with frustration, all
+ Tear all their clothes to rags.
+%
+How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to
+journalists, and they believe what they read.
+ -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
+%
+How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
+%
+How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to?
+ -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
+%
+"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being
+carried by a waiter at a nice party?"
+
+Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
+d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell
+what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then
+say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it
+back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
+cheese!" and so on.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
+%
+How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+None: "We'll document it in the manual."
+%
+How many weeks are there in a light year?
+%
+How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
+Dayton?
+ -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
+%
+How much does she love you?
+Less than you'll ever know.
+%
+How much for your women? I want to buy your
+daughter... how much for the little girl?
+ -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
+%
+How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
+%
+How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
+%
+How often I found where I should be going
+only by setting out for somewhere else.
+ -- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
+%
+How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"
+ -- Linus Van Pelt
+%
+How to become a sysop:
+ I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
+ developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
+ worked a full day in my life since then.
+ -- rho/slashdot
+%
+How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children
+ -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes
+%
+How untasteful can you get?
+%
+How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+%
+HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
+ #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
+%
+HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
+ #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
+%
+HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
+ #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of
+ you.
+%
+How you look depends on where you go.
+%
+Howe's Law:
+ Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
+%
+However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity
+in my traditional manner... sulking and nausea.
+ -- Tom K. Ryan
+%
+However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There
+is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs.
+There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ,
+or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any
+powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used
+sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are
+not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force
+government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree
+with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they
+threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and
+tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen
+that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and
+"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to
+claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more
+angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group
+who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
+call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step
+of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans
+in the name of "conservatism."
+ -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record
+%
+HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion
+that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making
+changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment
+was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House
+amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment
+was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
+ -- Albuquerque Journal
+%
+Hubbard's Law:
+ Don't take life too seriously;
+ you won't get out of it alive.
+%
+Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
+Oh wait...
+I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
+Never mind.
+%
+Huh?
+%
+Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
+%
+Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929.
+Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating
+table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into
+a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and
+walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory
+x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize.
+%
+Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
+ -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
+%
+Human resources are human first, and resources second.
+ -- J. Garbers
+%
+Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
+responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
+immature.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.
+ -- Alan Kay
+%
+Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
+%
+Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
+ -- William Gilbert
+%
+Humorists always sit at the children's table.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
+chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable
+jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to
+state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
+through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
+ "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
+Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
+You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your
+dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But
+oil!"
+ -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who"
+%
+Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
+Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
+All the king's horses,
+And all the king's men,
+Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again!
+%
+Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
+%
+Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
+ The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
+ to... to... uh.....
+%
+Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given
+time, turns into people.
+ -- Harlow Shapley
+%
+I:
+ The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
+ with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
+II:
+ If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
+ probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
+III:
+ There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
+IV:
+ If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
+V:
+ One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
+ Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
+ output.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people
+are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen
+carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence
+terrifies people the most.
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
+ -- John Hinckley
+%
+I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
+ -- Muhammad Ali
+%
+I allow the world to live as it chooses,
+and I allow myself to live as I choose.
+%
+I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor
+or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority
+viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+
+What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their
+good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
+%
+I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human.
+ -- David Bowie
+%
+I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it.
+It is never any good to oneself.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
+%
+I always say beauty is only sin deep.
+ -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
+%
+I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's
+accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.
+ -- Chief Justice Earl Warren
+%
+I always wake up at the crack of ice.
+ -- Joe E. Lewis
+%
+I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle;
+'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle
+I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey --
+On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day!
+I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and
+The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow,
+Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters,
+And a cow. And a cow.
+
+The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it
+Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
+The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute,
+It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot."
+Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads
+One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now:
+ Two game wardens, seven hunters,
+ And a pure-bred gurnsey cow.
+ -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
+%
+I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent
+person, you will not sell me another book.
+%
+I am a computer.
+I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
+%
+I am a conscientious man, when I throw
+rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
+ -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
+%
+I am a deeply superficial person.
+ -- Andy Warhol
+%
+I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend
+than be one.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+I am a man: nothing human is alien to me.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
+computer to be running Win98.
+ -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
+%
+I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
+limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
+ -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
+%
+I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
+have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
+This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
+reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
+buy some more.
+ -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
+%
+I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves
+for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man
+is to suffer for others.
+ -- Cesar Chavez
+%
+I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three
+quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts
+otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
+ -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell
+%
+I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
+ -- Katharine Whitehorn
+%
+I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
+I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
+was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
+of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
+you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
+atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
+inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering.
+ -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
+%
+I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.
+ -- Yul Brynner, 1956
+%
+I am looking for a honest man.
+ -- Diogenes the Cynic
+%
+I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
+%
+I am NOMAD!
+%
+I am not a crook.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.
+ -- A. Ward
+%
+I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
+ -- William Allen White
+%
+I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
+ -- Paul McCracken
+%
+I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
+ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
+ -- English Professor
+%
+I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
+that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
+planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
+world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
+ -- Bill Cole
+%
+I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do
+something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what
+I can do.
+ -- Edward Everett Hale, (1822 - 1909)
+%
+I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
+(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
+ -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
+%
+I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared
+for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
+has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
+ -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
+%
+I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
+with an option to buy.
+%
+I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
+%
+I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
+%
+I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so.
+ -- John Donne
+%
+I am two with nature.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty,
+I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
+sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
+loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
+ -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
+ University of Tennessee at Knoxville
+%
+I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
+argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and
+steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect,
+they don't even invite me.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without
+thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God.
+ -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008)
+%
+I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
+why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
+small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this
+would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
+Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
+them completely, even molding the keypads.
+ -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979
+%
+I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty,
+ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
+%
+I B M
+U B M
+We all B M
+For I B M!!!!
+ -- H.A.R.L.I.E.
+%
+I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
+ -- Gilda Radner
+%
+I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the
+perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough,
+I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years
+and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone
+a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years
+together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My
+wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching
+the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to
+be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting
+to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And
+as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and
+twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only
+with time.
+ -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman"
+%
+I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life,
+particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
+-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
+how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
+to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
+political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
+because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
+the people who might elect him.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I believe that professional wrestling is clean
+and everything else in the world is fixed.
+ -- Frank Deford, sports writer
+%
+I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac
+thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
+total discrediting of the world of reality.
+ -- Salvador Dali
+%
+I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I bet the human brain is a kludge.
+ -- Marvin Minsky
+%
+I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
+the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always
+end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get
+embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and
+they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
+ -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
+ a visit to a London veterans hospital
+%
+I brake for chezlogs!
+%
+I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see
+Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the
+box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon
+relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a
+psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be
+more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable
+sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to
+be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe
+as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd
+thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover
+the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning,
+your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on
+your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the
+apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns
+down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III.
+ -- Townsend Davis
+%
+I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
+ -- Biff Barf
+%
+I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference.
+They're still living in the fifties.
+ -- Strange de Jim
+%
+I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
+%
+I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
+All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
+ -- The Firesign Theatre
+%
+I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
+%
+I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan
+prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very
+bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after
+relentless day.
+ -- Betty MacDonald
+%
+I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
+ -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
+%
+I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.
+ -- Jay Gould
+%
+I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart,
+and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
+ -- Larry Lee
+%
+I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
+%
+I can relate to that.
+%
+I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and
+25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be
+true.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+I can resist anything but temptation.
+%
+I can see him a'comin'
+With his big boots on,
+With his big thumb out,
+He wants to get me.
+He wants to hurt me.
+He wants to bring me down.
+But some time later,
+When I feel a little straighter,
+I'll come across a stranger
+Who'll remind me of the danger,
+And then.... I'll run him over.
+Pretty smart on my part!
+To find my way... In the dark!
+ -- Phil Ochs
+%
+I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
+and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
+ -- A. J. Liebling
+%
+I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
+ -- Lillian Hellman
+%
+I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.
+ -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
+%
+I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
+of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
+ -- F. H. Wales (1936)
+%
+I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats;
+If it be man's work I will do it.
+%
+I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
+
+What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
+grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
+of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
+United States would have lost World War II."
+ -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
+%
+I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
+ -- Steven Pearl
+%
+I CAN'T come back, I don't know how it works.
+ -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
+ -- Joe Walsh
+%
+I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
+ -- Florence Henderson
+%
+I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
+ -- Phil Harris
+%
+I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
+If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
+I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
+ Your Socks Outside-in
+I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
+Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
+I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
+I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
+I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
+ -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
+%
+I can't mate in captivity.
+ -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married
+%
+I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along."
+It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.
+ -- Albert Anastasia
+%
+I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the
+forms. You've got to kill the people producing them.
+ -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine
+ Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist
+ Party Conference
+%
+I can't understand it.
+I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
+ -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands
+%
+I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
+novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.
+I'm frightened of the old ones.
+ -- John Cage
+%
+I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his
+keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating
+up a child.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time
+a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
+ -- Michael Prichard
+%
+I consider a new device or technology to have been
+culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.
+ -- M. Gallaher
+%
+I consider the day misspent that I am not
+either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.
+ -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
+%
+I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
+dance with the cows till you come home.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I could never learn to like her --
+except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
+%
+I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the
+time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
+ -- Peter Oakley
+%
+I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
+%
+I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why
+I should have to believe in it in this one.
+ -- Strange de Jim
+%
+I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything!
+ -- Bart Simpson
+%
+I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.
+But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
+ -- Rita Gain
+%
+I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
+%
+I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
+%
+I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
+The curtain was up.
+%
+I disagree with what you say, but will defend
+to the death your right to tell such LIES!
+%
+I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk
+and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
+unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell
+you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
+ -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
+%
+I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
+too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
+ -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
+%
+I do desire we may be better strangers.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
+%
+I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
+%
+I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
+exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
+minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
+accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a
+mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the
+bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always
+different.
+ -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
+%
+I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman
+Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church,
+nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church.
+ -- Thomas Paine
+%
+I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter
+quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks
+the National League for five years. This is the United States of America
+and one citizen has as much right to play as another.
+ -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a
+ threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if
+ Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The
+ Cardinals backed down and played.
+%
+I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
+sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
+ -- Galileo Galilei
+%
+I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern,
+any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology
+comes nearest to it of any.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a
+butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
+ -- Chuang Tzu
+%
+I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which,
+starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance,
+reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to
+devote it to research in mathematics.
+ -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183
+%
+I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them.
+I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become
+tiresome.
+ -- I Ching
+%
+I do not take drugs -- I am drugs.
+ -- Salvador Dali
+%
+I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians
+don't believe in astrology.
+ -- James R. F. Quirk
+%
+I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just
+a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more
+numbers!!
+%
+I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of
+a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
+ -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
+%
+I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to
+run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better
+husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn!
+ -- Heard in Bethlehem
+%
+I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.
+ -- Calvin Trillin
+%
+I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the
+nominating.
+ -- Boss Tweed
+%
+I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't
+deserve that either.
+ -- Jack Benny
+%
+I don't do it for the money.
+ -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
+%
+I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
+ -- K. Coates
+%
+I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
+ -- Katherine Cebrian
+%
+I don't get no respect.
+%
+I don't have an eating problem. I eat.
+I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
+%
+I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
+highly trained certified public accountants.
+ -- Elvis Presley
+%
+I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
+hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
+ -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
+%
+I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
+globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
+ -- Bruce Baum
+%
+I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
+ -- Elvis Presley
+%
+I don't know what Descartes' got,
+But booze can do what Kant cannot.
+ -- Mike Cross
+%
+I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much
+more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
+ -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
+%
+I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
+%
+I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't,
+because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I'd just hate it.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky.
+I don't trust him.
+ -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference
+ with Dutch Schultz.
+
+I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a
+trigger like another guy wipes his nose.
+ -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with
+ "Legs" Diamond.
+%
+I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
+ -- Cash McCall
+%
+I don't mind arguing with myself.
+It's when I lose that it bothers me.
+ -- Richard Powers
+%
+I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
+ -- Ronald Mabbitt
+%
+I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
+streets and frighten the horses.
+ -- Victor Hugo
+%
+I don't need no arms around me...
+I don't need no drugs to calm me...
+I have seen the writing on the wall.
+Don't think I need anything at all.
+No! Don't think I need anything at all!
+All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
+All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall.
+ -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III
+%
+I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
+%
+I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
+%
+I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
+he starts to practice law.
+ -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
+ Attorney-General.
+%
+I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
+fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+"I don't think so," said Ren'\be Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
+%
+I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
+Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972
+%
+"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
+to the sea and drown yourselves."
+
+"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
+you human beings don't."
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+I don't understand you anymore.
+%
+I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight,
+But there will definitely be a party tonight...
+%
+I don't want a pickle,
+I just wanna ride on my motorcycle.
+And I don't want to die,
+I just want to ride on my motorcycle.
+ -- Arlo Guthrie
+%
+I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations.
+ -- Jean Anouilh
+%
+I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
+I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
+the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
+thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists
+broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake.
+Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off
+their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE
+ COMING!"
+%
+I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
+%
+I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
+%
+I dote on his very absence.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+I doubt, therefore I might be.
+%
+I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business
+on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment
+he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
+becoming, with a goal in front and not behind.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+I drink to make other people interesting.
+ -- George Jean Nathan
+%
+I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
+%
+I enjoy the time that we spend together.
+%
+I exist, therefore I am paid.
+%
+I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
+%
+I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
+%
+I fell asleep reading a dull book,
+and I dreamt that I was reading on,
+so I woke up from sheer boredom.
+%
+I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an
+honest difference of opinion.
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts.
+I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.
+ -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
+ just shot.
+%
+I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.
+%
+I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
+ -- Augustus Caesar
+%
+I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
+reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
+ -- Gautama Buddha
+%
+I gave my love an Apple, that had no core;
+I gave my love a building, that had no floor;
+I wrote my love a program, that had no end;
+I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'.
+
+How can there be an Apple, that has no core?
+How can there be a building, that has no floor?
+How can there be a program, that has no end?
+How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'?
+
+An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core!
+A building that's perfect, it has no flaw!
+A program with GOTOs, it has no end!
+I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'!
+%
+I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *_\bh_\bo_\br_\br_\bi_\bf_\by_\bi_\bn_\bg* 20
+minutes of my life!
+%
+I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
+ -- Chauncey Depew
+%
+I get up each morning, gather my wits.
+Pick up the paper, read the obits.
+If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
+So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
+
+Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
+My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
+But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
+And think of the places my get-up has been.
+ -- Pete Seeger
+%
+I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
+ -- Beauregard Bugleboy
+%
+I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+I go the way that Providence dictates.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
+when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
+farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were
+wearing masks for.
+ -- James Boren
+%
+I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
+theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
+other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
+stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
+long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
+$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
+a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.
+ -- Butch Cassidy
+%
+I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up
+and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
+
+No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the
+human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when
+you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is
+generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid
+puppet.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit
+was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse
+being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
+time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
+win -- or even how you won.
+ -- Cash McCall
+%
+I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of
+other people... Certainty is just an emotion.
+ -- Hal Clement
+%
+I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him
+Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat
+one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought.
+ -- D. Cavett
+%
+I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and
+we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I had a dream last night...
+I dreamt about 1976.
+I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage...
+I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant.
+Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare...
+so I went back to sleep again.
+ -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72"
+%
+I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond
+depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might
+see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing
+through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly
+why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after
+dinner and I let it go.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
+in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
+Beach."
+ -- The Stunt Man
+%
+I had another dream the other day about government financial management
+people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
+had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
+%
+I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
+and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
+painting by Goya.
+ -- Stravinsky
+%
+I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
+people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
+put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any
+power to make things different is a bitch.
+ -- Miles Davis
+%
+I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
+so I took his shoes.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
+implement a PL/1 compiler.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
+Moore show I heard the word "damn!"
+ -- Mary Lou Bax
+%
+I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.
+%
+I hate babies. They're so human.
+ -- H. H. Munro
+%
+I hate dying.
+ -- Dave Johnson
+%
+I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
+it's going to be up all night.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them,
+and I know how bad I am.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+I hate quotations.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
+there's nothing else to do.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a
+ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.
+ -- Willow
+%
+I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
+open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
+box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
+it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
+had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
+of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
+call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
+doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
+didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
+Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
+and just keeps on typing.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
+the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
+sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
+ -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
+I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
+I just... to make a long story short..."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
+ -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters
+%
+I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.
+I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen
+some of it.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
+And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
+He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
+And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
+
+The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow--
+Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
+For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball,
+And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+I have a map of the United States. It's actual size.
+I spent last summer folding it.
+People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
+ -- Richard Diran
+%
+I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
+in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
+got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
+%
+I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
+but I can't prove it.
+%
+I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it
+any time!
+%
+I have a very strange feeling about this...
+ -- Luke Skywalker
+%
+I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
+sacrifice my wife's brother.
+ -- Artemus Ward
+%
+I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes
+to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.
+ -- Winston Churchill, 1903
+%
+I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I have become me without my consent.
+%
+I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which
+would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark."
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per
+cent an idiot.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
+to sit still in a room.
+ -- Blaise Pascal
+%
+I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
+I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
+ -- Camillo Di Cavour
+%
+I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and
+to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and
+support of the woman I love.
+ -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication
+ of the British throne in order to marry the American
+ divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936)
+%
+I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience
+most of them are trash.
+ -- Sigmund Freud
+%
+I have gained this by philosophy:
+that I do without being commanded what others
+do only from fear of the law.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
+ -- Edgar Allan Poe
+%
+I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent
+of a prostate operation.
+ -- Malcolm Muggeridge
+%
+I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.
+ -- Plato
+%
+I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row.
+I do believe that is a record.
+ -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
+%
+I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You
+sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an
+eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I
+have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of
+beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a
+guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more
+of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+I have learned silence from the talkative,
+toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.
+ -- Kahlil Gibran
+%
+I have learned
+To spell hors d'oeuvres
+Which still grates on
+Some people's n'oeuvres.
+ -- Warren Knox
+%
+I have lots of things in my pockets;
+None of them is worth anything.
+Sociopolitical whines aside,
+Gan you give me, gratis, free,
+The price of half a gallon
+Of Gallo extra bad
+And most of the bus fare home.
+%
+I have made mistakes but I have never made the
+mistake of claiming that I have never made one.
+ -- James Gordon Bennett
+%
+I have made this letter longer than usual
+because I lack the time to make it shorter.
+ -- Blaise Pascal
+%
+I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
+%
+I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole
+_\bB_\bO_\bD_\bY!
+ -- from "Cerebus" #82
+%
+I have never been one to sacrifice
+my appetite on the altar of appearance.
+ -- A. M. Readyhough
+%
+I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.
+ -- Rob Pike, on X
+
+Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
+gone in two years. He was half right.
+ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
+
+Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong.
+ -- Jim Gettys
+%
+I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts
+already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
+establishment.
+ -- Alan Bennett
+%
+I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
+in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
+ -- Thoreau
+%
+I have no doubt the Devil grins,
+As seas of ink I spatter.
+Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins--
+The other kind don't matter.
+ -- Robert W. Service
+%
+I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his
+own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks
+of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+I have not yet begun to byte!
+%
+I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
+ -- George Wallace
+%
+I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying,
+and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would
+be blockhead enough to have me.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
+ -- Jimmy Carter
+%
+I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these
+Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal
+advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages
+for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and
+after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government
+of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only
+commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even
+the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the
+reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations...
+ If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were
+a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the
+execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some
+justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I
+venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will
+ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if
+made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to
+declare the construction of such machinery impracticable...
+ And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed
+by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its
+advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I
+think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse
+calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country.
+In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not
+be economized by the aid of machinery.
+ -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher"
+%
+I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
+%
+I have that old biological urge,
+I have that old irresistible surge,
+I'm hungry.
+%
+I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+I have to convince you, or at least snow you ...
+ -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
+%
+I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
+ -- Richard Burton
+%
+I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
+the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
+authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
+ -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
+ publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
+ editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
+ science of data processing), c. 1957
+%
+I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
+ -- John D. Rockefeller
+%
+I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
+at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
+ -- Poul Anderson
+%
+I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
+%
+I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
+%
+I hear the sound that the machines make,
+and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
+%
+I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
+%
+I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very
+interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell
+more than he knows.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips,
+I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips,
+My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here,
+But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir.
+
+The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why,
+For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie,
+I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine,
+So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine.
+
+ -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
+%
+I hope you're not pretending to be evil while
+secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
+%
+I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?
+ -- Raoul Duke
+%
+I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke.
+I think I saw God.
+ -- B. Hathrume Duk
+%
+I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels].
+He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial
+and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I
+ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed.
+ -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times"
+%
+I just got out of the hospital after a
+speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field.
+ -- Casey Stengel
+%
+I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
+ -- Bill Hoest
+%
+I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
+I haven't had time for tobacco since.
+ -- Arturo Toscanini
+%
+I knew her before she was a virgin.
+ -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day
+%
+I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off...
+If I could just remember what it was.
+%
+I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
+take one along that worked.
+ -- Raymond Chandler
+%
+I know if you been talkin' you done said
+just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
+You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
+and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
+But don't you get square!
+There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
+They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
+%
+I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
+%
+I know not how I came into this,
+shall I call it a dying life or a living death?
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
+World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+I know on which side my bread is buttered.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
+The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
+ -- Charles Schulz
+%
+I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when
+you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all
+custody means. Get even with your old lady.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?"
+Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track
+myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the
+world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself
+one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk?
+ -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211
+%
+I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says,
+but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what
+it means.
+%
+I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
+but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
+%
+I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
+%
+I lately lost a preposition;
+It hid, I thought, beneath my chair
+And angrily I cried, "Perdition!
+Up from out of under there."
+
+Correctness is my vade mecum,
+And straggling phrases I abhor,
+And yet I wondered, "What should he come
+Up from out of under for?"
+ -- Morris Bishop
+%
+I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
+Waitin' for the double E.
+The railroad don't run no more.
+Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
+ Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
+ These young girls won't let me be,
+ Lord have mercy on me!
+ Woe is me!
+
+Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
+Well, I ain't naming names.
+But she really worked me over good,
+She was just like Jesse James.
+She really worked me over good,
+She was a credit to her gender.
+She put me through some changes, boy,
+Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
+
+I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
+She asked me if I'd beat her.
+She took me back to the Hyatt House,
+I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
+ -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
+%
+I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
+didn't is just lyin'!
+ -- Willie Nelson
+%
+I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
+ -- Art Leo
+%
+I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull
+that kidnaped Europa.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
+%
+I like paying taxes. With them I buy civilization.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
+promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want
+peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
+the way and let them have it.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
+%
+I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
+ -- Tom McGuane
+%
+I like your game but we have to change the rules.
+%
+I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
+%
+I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
+to bite people themselves.
+ -- August Strindberg
+%
+I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.
+I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
+ -- Art Buchwald
+%
+I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
+person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
+ -- Rita Rudner
+%
+I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then
+someone takes them away.
+ -- Nancy Mitford
+%
+I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog.
+It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
+%
+I love mankind ... It's people I hate.
+ -- Schulz
+%
+I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
+ -- Walt Disney
+%
+I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
+entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
+ -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
+%
+I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
+ -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now"
+%
+I love to eat them Smurfies
+Smurfies what I love to eat
+Bite they ugly heads off,
+Nibble on they bluish feet.
+%
+I love treason but hate a traitor.
+ -- Gaius Julius Caesar
+%
+I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+I love you, not only for what you are,
+but for what I am when I am with you.
+ -- Roy Croft
+%
+I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
+commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
+irresistible.
+ -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
+%
+I married beneath me. All women do.
+ -- Lady Nancy Astor
+%
+I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
+don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
+speed of light.
+ -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
+%
+I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
+%
+I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously.
+ -- Doctor Graper
+%
+I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything.
+ -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
+%
+I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
+clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a
+congressman.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's;
+I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create.
+ -- William Blake, "Jerusalem"
+%
+I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
+ -- Alexander Woollcott
+%
+I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
+week sometimes to make it up.
+ -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
+%
+I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
+%
+I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
+and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
+-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
+we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
+feet for the base.
+
+And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
+sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770
+m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to
+roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
+sun. Very little air will leak over the edges.
+
+Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface
+area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
+crowding.
+ -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"
+%
+I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.
+ -- Fratianno
+%
+I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the
+legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that
+way.
+ -- Jay Gould
+%
+I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted
+something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something.
+ -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
+%
+I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the
+ Royal Family
+%
+I never did it that way before.
+%
+I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the
+places they do today.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they
+could do was to go away.
+%
+I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.
+ -- Mickey Cohen
+%
+I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I never made a mistake in my life.
+I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
+ -- Lucy Van Pelt
+%
+I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
+ -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
+%
+I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
+%
+I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
+%
+I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers;
+what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats.
+%
+I never saw a purple cow
+I never hope to see one
+But I can tell you anyhow
+I'd rather see than be one.
+ -- Gellett Burgess
+
+I've never seen a purple cow
+I never hope to see one
+But from the milk we're getting now
+There certainly must be one
+ -- Ogden Nash
+
+Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
+I'm sorry now I wrote it
+But I can tell you anyhow
+I'll kill you if you quote it.
+ -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
+%
+I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
+%
+I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+I only know what I read in the papers.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!
+ -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
+%
+I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
+letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
+words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can
+resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But
+then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
+that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
+a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
+ -- Letters From Colette
+%
+I owe, I owe,
+It's off to work I go...
+%
+I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a
+toilet seat.
+ -- Michael McShane
+%
+I owe the public nothing.
+ -- J. P. Morgan
+%
+I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as
+the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must
+not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we
+must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts,
+in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from
+wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they
+will be happy.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
+kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled
+substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no
+restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we
+made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given
+powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative
+nerve disease.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
+%
+I pledge allegiance to the flag
+of the United States of America
+and to the republic for which it stands,
+one nation,
+indivisible,
+with liberty
+and justice for all.
+ -- Francis Bellamy, 1892
+%
+I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
+%
+I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
+ -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger
+%
+I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.
+ -- Cicero
+
+Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
+ -- Poor Richard
+%
+I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
+ -- William F. Buckley
+%
+I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
+on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
+tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If
+they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
+crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible.
+These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
+aspire to crudeness.
+ -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
+%
+I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.
+ -- Neil Armstrong
+%
+I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because
+parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the
+motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality?
+ Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town."
+ "What's it about?"
+ "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals."
+ "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!"
+ -- Ian Shoales
+%
+I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.
+To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
+%
+I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction.
+ -- Aneurin Bevan
+%
+I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
+the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
+congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
+so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the
+plumber.
+
+But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
+as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of
+the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never
+win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually
+write about, such as nose-picking.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
+I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
+ -- Marilyn Chambers
+%
+I really hate this damned machine
+I wish that they would sell it.
+It never does quite what I want
+But only what I tell it.
+%
+I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
+who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
+something of what has been passing in their time.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the
+reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if
+I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out.
+ -- Stephen King
+%
+I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on
+believing that some men are my equals.
+ -- Brigid Brophy
+%
+I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
+%
+I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
+morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
+the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
+invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
+the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
+asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
+"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
+that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
+ -- Alistair Cooke
+%
+I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office
+to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar,
+and didn't come back for 20 years.
+%
+I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some
+kind of loophole.
+ -- Leo Kessler
+%
+I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
+looks like I'm the only one moving.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every
+woman should marry -- and no man.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
+%
+I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
+England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
+raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
+New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
+countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
+if they don't get it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink...
+and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
+%
+I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
+'Round and round they sped.
+I was disturbed at this,
+I accosted the man,
+"It is futile," I said.
+"You can never--"
+"You lie!" He cried,
+and ran on.
+ -- Stephen Crane
+%
+I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid
+never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that
+deserve a series?"
+%
+I saw what you did and I know who you are.
+%
+I see a bad moon rising.
+I see trouble on the way.
+I see earthquakes and lightnin'
+I see bad times today.
+Don't go 'round tonight,
+It's bound to take your life.
+There's a bad moon on the rise.
+ -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising"
+%
+I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
+they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
+I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
+Bernoulli would have been content to die
+Had he but known such _\ba-squared cos 2(phi)!
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
+the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
+us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+I sent a letter to the fish, I said it very loud and clear,
+I told them, "This is what I wish." I went and shouted in his ear.
+The little fishes of the sea, But he was very stiff and proud,
+They sent an answer back to me. He said "You needn't shout so loud."
+The little fishes' answer was And he was very proud and stiff,
+"We cannot do it, sir, because..." He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
+I sent a letter back to say I took a kettle from the shelf,
+It would be better to obey. I went to wake them up myself.
+But someone came to me and said But when I found the door was locked
+"The little fishes are in bed." I pulled and pushed and kicked and
+ knocked,
+I said to him, and I said it plain And when I found the door was shut,
+"Then you must wake them up again." I tried to turn the handle, But...
+
+ "Is that all?" asked Alice.
+ "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+I sent a message to another time,
+But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
+I sent a message to another plane,
+Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
+...
+I met someone who looks at lot like you,
+She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
+She's only programmed to be very nice,
+But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
+She tells me that she likes me very much,
+But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
+...
+I realize that it must seem so strange,
+That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
+She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
+She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
+ -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
+%
+I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger --
+a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine
+in his veins.
+ -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee
+%
+I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
+it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
+he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right
+that matters, but victory.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
+ -- graffito in Los Angeles
+
+On a clear day,
+U.C.L.A.
+ -- graffito in San Francisco
+
+There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
+lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
+most western countries.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+I smell a wumpus.
+%
+I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker
+Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his
+ability.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+I steal.
+ -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board
+
+Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas.
+ -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
+%
+I stick my neck out for nobody.
+ -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942)
+%
+I stood on the leading edge,
+The eastern seaboard at my feet.
+"Jump!" said Yoko Ono
+I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried.
+Go on and give it a try,
+Why prolong the agony, all men must die.
+ -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking"
+%
+I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to
+see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
+ -- Shirley Temple
+%
+I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win.
+ -- C-3PO
+%
+I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
+too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
+direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After
+much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
+tub to face is up.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
+Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
+Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
+That needs a helping hand,
+Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.
+ -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
+%
+I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
+country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
+I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
+are worth considering, to wit:
+
+[110.13]:
+ "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
+ to interfere with oncoming traffic."
+
+[22.17b]:
+ "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best
+ recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball]
+ game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it
+ on the highway."
+
+[41.16]:
+ "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really
+ asking for it."
+%
+I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
+country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
+I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
+are worth considering, to wit:
+
+[131.16d]:
+ "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
+ inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
+ a U-turn on a divided highway."
+
+[96.7b]:
+ "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
+ quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
+ traveling more than 60 MPH."
+%
+I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
+country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
+I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving
+are worth considering, to wit:
+
+[173.15b]:
+ "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
+ that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."
+
+[141.2a]:
+ "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
+ parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
+ a 5' parking space."
+
+[105.31]:
+ "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
+ Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
+%
+I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
+thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
+%
+I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it
+is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.
+ -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
+%
+I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking
+pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the
+munchies, and ate the other half.
+
+Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the
+bottle stuck up my nose.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
+and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
+
+Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
+fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
+"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
+the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
+I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
+ -- M. C. Escher
+%
+I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward
+or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's
+paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
+%
+I think it is true for all _\bn. I was just playing it safe with _\bn >= 3
+because I couldn't remember the proof.
+ -- Baker, Pure Math 351a
+%
+I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
+%
+I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so
+desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.
+ -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
+%
+I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
+and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this
+country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people
+in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly
+not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+I think that I shall never hear
+A poem lovelier than beer.
+The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap,
+With golden base and snowy cap.
+The stuff that I can drink all day
+Until my mem'ry melts away.
+Poems are made by fools, I fear
+But only Schlitz can make a beer.
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A billboard lovely as a tree.
+Indeed, unless the billboards fall
+I'll never see a tree at all.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+I think that I shall never see
+A thing as lovely as a tree.
+But as you see the trees have gone
+They went this morning with the dawn.
+A logging firm from out of town
+Came and chopped the trees all down.
+But I will trick those dirty skunks
+And write a brand new poem called "Trunks."
+%
+I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
+to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
+farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
+into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
+the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
+off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
+color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
+out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
+singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.
+ -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
+%
+I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to
+remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.
+ -- Chick
+%
+I think the world is run by C students.
+ -- Al McGuire
+%
+I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
+could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
+ -- Jordan K. Hubbard
+%
+I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect."
+I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
+say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
+effect."
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I think, therefore I am... I think.
+%
+I think there's a world market for about five computers.
+ -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943)
+%
+I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
+paneling.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
+ -- T. S. Eliot
+%
+I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
+... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
+we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
+When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we
+are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was
+driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
+Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
+were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous
+conversation ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
+ -- The Firesign Theatre
+%
+I think we're in trouble.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+I think your opinions are reasonable,
+except for the one about my mental instability.
+ -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University
+%
+"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
+"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
+"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
+"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
+Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
+They had so much in common, you'd say.
+They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
+And prompts that were cute or risque'.
+He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
+She sent one from some past high school day,
+And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
+If they hadn't met in L.A.
+"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
+He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
+And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
+If you were not so totally weird!"
+If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
+And he had not done just the same,
+They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
+And would not have had fun with the game.
+ -- Judith Schrier,
+ "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail"
+%
+I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
+working for scale.
+ -- The Firesign Theatre,
+ "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
+%
+I thought YOU silenced the guard!
+%
+I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
+pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle
+of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes.
+It's about Russia.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce
+desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of
+the quest.
+ -- Madeleine Gobeil
+%
+I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything
+constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast
+and drown myself in the noise.
+ -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer"
+%
+I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
+ -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
+%
+I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.
+ -- Bill Veeck
+%
+I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
+ -- Judge Harold T. Stone
+%
+I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
+The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
+degrees today," and I said "Oops."
+
+In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
+I never have to go upstairs.
+
+I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
+front of it in only eight minutes.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much.
+ -- Carole Wallach
+%
+I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.
+ -- Woodrow Wilson
+%
+I use technology in order to hate it more properly.
+ -- Nam June Paik
+%
+I used to be a rebel in my youth.
+This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned.
+Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
+problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by
+a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
+I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better
+I feel these days.
+ -- J. Feiffer
+%
+I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
+%
+I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
+I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
+I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
+With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
+And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
+ No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
+ No more, Mr. Clean,
+ No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
+They say "He's sick, he's obscene".
+
+My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
+Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
+I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
+The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
+And punched me in the nose, he said,
+(chorus)
+He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
+ -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
+%
+I used to have a drinking problem.
+Now I love the stuff.
+%
+I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
+to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
+
+I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
+like I'm the only one moving.
+
+I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
+the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
+to be out that long."
+
+I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
+my car goes 500 miles an hour.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because
+I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no
+more mature than I am.
+%
+I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
+%
+I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
+foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in
+loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
+ -- Rita Mae Brown
+%
+I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in
+my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
+ -- Emo Phillips
+%
+I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
+the place.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
+don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
+with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
+the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
+in the summer.
+ -- Brendan Behan
+%
+I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
+%
+I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
+ -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St.
+Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE
+HAW'!!"
+ -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
+%
+I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
+ -- Freud
+%
+I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
+%
+I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued
+endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of
+pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of
+bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an
+excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically
+critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud
+the earth.
+ Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
+%
+I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
+ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
+anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
+a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
+up.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
+Trouble I love and peace I despise
+Wild horses kicked me in my side
+Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died.
+ -- Bo Diddley
+%
+I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
+put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
+what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
+should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
+get off my driveway.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I was eatin' some chop suey,
+With a lady in St. Louie,
+When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door.
+And that knocker, he says, "Honey,
+Roll this rocker out some money,
+Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor."
+ -- Mr. Miggle
+%
+I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.
+I said I didn't know.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
+around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
+I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
+She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
+chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
+you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
+that all the time."
+ -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
+%
+I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in
+the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
+ -- Phyllis Diller
+%
+I was in accord with the system so long as it
+permitted me to function effectively.
+ -- Albert Speer
+%
+I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
+these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
+kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
+I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
+avoiding the beach.
+ -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
+%
+I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a
+lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is
+anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
+breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really
+gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He
+works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
+Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
+for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me
+two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I
+was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But
+I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
+ -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
+%
+I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
+their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to
+buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
+ -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
+%
+I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a
+full house and four people died.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I was the best I ever had.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
+ -- Billy Braver
+%
+I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
+desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall
+because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
+me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I
+took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.
+%
+I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
+ -- Chico Marx
+%
+I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
+in the room alone.
+%
+I went home with a waitress,
+The way I always do.
+How I was I to know?
+She was with the Russians too.
+
+I was gambling in Havana,
+I took a little risk.
+Send lawyers, guns, and money,
+Dad, get me out of this.
+ -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
+%
+I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
+If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
+It's the truth.
+ -- Charlie Chaplin
+%
+I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to
+expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for
+stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming
+the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted
+to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the
+answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer
+showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found
+an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the
+program to the point where it would not run at all.
+ -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star:
+ Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"
+%
+I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
+I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
+He said "Nothin'."
+Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
+As if you just squashed a cop.
+ -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
+%
+I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
+Great song.
+ -- Fred Reuss
+%
+I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
+questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
+speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
+
+He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
+for him then.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
+years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
+would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
+all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
+
+Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
+been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
+
+There was a computer in every doorknob.
+ -- Danny Hillis
+%
+I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.
+I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career
+of a robber.
+ -- Tiburcio Vasquez
+%
+I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in
+the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
+included.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
+statues that are in all the other museums.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
+it took seven others to beat him!
+%
+I will always love the false image I had of you.
+%
+I will follow the good side right to the fire,
+but not into it if I can help it.
+ -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
+%
+I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the
+year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The
+Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out
+the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the
+writing on this stone!
+ -- Charles Dickens
+%
+I will make you shorter by the head.
+ -- Elizabeth I
+%
+I will never lie to you.
+%
+I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
+%
+I will not drink!
+But if I do...
+I will not get drunk!
+But if I do...
+I will not in public!
+But if I do...
+I will not fall down!
+But if I do...
+I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
+%
+I will not forget you.
+%
+I will not play at tug o' war.
+I'd rather play at hug o' war,
+Where everyone hugs
+Instead of tugs,
+Where everyone giggles
+And rolls on the rug,
+Where everyone kisses,
+And everyone grins,
+And everyone cuddles,
+And everyone wins.
+ -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War"
+%
+I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new
+one every day.
+ -- Heine
+%
+I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
+we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
+and Superman away.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I wish there was a knob on the TV where you could turn up the
+intelligence. They've got one called brightness, but it doesn't
+seem to work.
+ -- Gallagher
+%
+I wish you humans would leave me alone.
+%
+I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
+%
+I woke up a feelin' mean
+went down to play the slot machine
+the wheels turned round,
+and the letters read
+"Better head back to Tennessee Jed"
+ -- Grateful Dead
+%
+I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
+had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
+"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
+replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
+know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
+be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
+I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
+ -- Bastian B. Bux
+%
+I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
+ -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
+%
+I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
+"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one,
+but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already
+because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even
+after we've been home a long while.
+ -- Casey Stengel
+%
+I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women,
+only they won't let me raise my voice.
+ -- Winkle
+%
+I would have made a good pope.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
+gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the
+missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
+ -- Oliver North
+%
+I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
+of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
+image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
+forget or do not know.
+ -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to image activation and termination.]
+%
+I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in
+understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good,
+our tasks will be solved.
+ -- Warren G. Harding
+%
+I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection
+with income tax policies.
+ -- William F. Buckley
+%
+I would like to know
+What I was fencing in
+And what I was fencing out.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+I would much rather have men ask why
+I have no statue, than why I have one.
+ -- Marcus Porcius Cato
+%
+I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when
+they're being taped.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+
+I love America. You always hurt the one you love.
+ -- David Frye impersonating Nixon
+%
+I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house
+and be above ground than reign among the dead.
+ -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91
+%
+I would rather say that a desire to drive fast
+sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals.
+%
+I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
+%
+I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
+%
+I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity
+for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear
+them scream.
+ -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak",
+ escaped prison 1937, not heard from since
+%
+I
+am
+not
+very
+happy
+acting
+pleased
+whenever
+prominent
+scientists
+overmagnify
+intellectual
+enlightenment
+%
+IBM:
+ [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
+ Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
+ marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
+ and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
+ of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
+ employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
+%
+IBM:
+ I've Been Moved
+ Idiots Become Managers
+ Idiots Buy More
+ Impossible to Buy Machine
+ Incredibly Big Machine
+ Industry's Biggest Mistake
+ International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
+ It Boggles the Mind
+ It's Better Manually
+ Itty-Bitty Machines
+%
+IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks,
+who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...
+ -- with regrets to Douglas Adams
+%
+IBM had a PL/I,
+Its syntax worse than JOSS;
+And everywhere this language went,
+It was a total loss.
+%
+IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
+%
+IBM Pollyanna Principle:
+ Machines should work. People should think.
+%
+IBM's original motto:
+ Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
+%
+I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.
+ -- John Denver
+
+[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
+%
+I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
+%
+I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
+above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
+feel it.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
+%
+I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the
+whole field to private industry.
+ -- Joseph Heller
+%
+I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
+to undo it.
+%
+I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
+snore.
+%
+I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
+"Y".
+%
+I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
+%
+I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
+came back.
+%
+I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay
+tuned.
+%
+I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
+ -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
+%
+I'd never cry if I did find
+ A blue whale in my soup...
+Nor would I mind a porcupine
+ Inside a chicken coop.
+Yes life is fine when things combine,
+ Like ham in beef chow mein...
+But lord, this time I think I mind,
+ They've put acid in my rain.
+ -- Milo Bloom
+%
+I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
+Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
+ -- Brenda Starr
+%
+I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
+%
+I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
+%
+I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
+ -- Fred Allen
+
+[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
+%
+I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
+%
+I'd rather laugh with the sinners,
+Than cry with the saints,
+The sinners are much more fun!
+ -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
+%
+I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner.
+%
+Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
+solitary confinement.
+%
+Identify your visitor.
+%
+Idiot Box, n.:
+ The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
+ stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Idiot, n.:
+ A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
+ affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+IDLENESS:
+ Leisure gone to seed.
+%
+Idleness is the holiday of fools.
+%
+If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick
+and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your
+shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this",
+well that would be enough immortality for me.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
+ -- Roy Santoro
+%
+If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
+at about 30 miles/second.
+ -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
+%
+If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
+ -- Paul White
+%
+If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
+is a camel's behind.
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
+%
+If A equals success, then the formula is _\bA = _\bX + _\bY + _\bZ. _\bX is work. _\bY
+is play. _\bZ is keep your mouth shut.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler,
+there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he
+really a guru at all?
+ -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
+%
+If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it
+is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.
+ -- Joseph C. Goulden
+%
+IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
+is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
+to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+If a listener nods his head when you're
+explaining your program, wake him up.
+%
+If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.
+ -- Thomas Wolfe
+%
+If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
+If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
+%
+If a man loses his reverence for any part of life,
+he will lose his reverence for all of life.
+ -- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the
+separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience,
+it might well prolong his life.
+ -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
+%
+If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
+... it expects what never was and never will be.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom;
+and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it
+will lose that, too.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better,
+and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can
+convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
+ -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
+%
+If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
+%
+If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
+The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
+in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
+gravity supersedes the law of golf.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
+love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide?
+ -- Saint Augustine
+%
+If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response
+is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the
+only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did."
+%
+If a system is administered wisely,
+its users will be content.
+They enjoy hacking their code
+and don't waste time implementing
+labor-saving shell scripts.
+Since they dearly love their accounts,
+they aren't interested in other machines.
+There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
+but these don't access any hosts.
+There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
+but nobody ever uses them.
+People enjoy reading their mail,
+take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
+spend weekends working at their terminals,
+delight in the doings at the site.
+And even though the next system is so close
+that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
+they are content to die of old age
+without ever having gone to see it.
+%
+If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
+If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
+game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
+course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
+goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
+ -- Sparky Anderson
+%
+If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
+%
+If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
+to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
+that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
+ -- Rob Stampfli
+%
+If all be true that I do think,
+There be five reasons why one should drink;
+Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
+Or lest we should be by-and-by,
+Or any other reason why.
+%
+If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+If all else fails, lower your standards.
+%
+If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
+%
+If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot
+platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
+that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
+%
+If all the seas were ink,
+And all the reeds were pens,
+And all the skies were parchment,
+And all the men could write,
+These would not suffice
+To write down all the red tape
+Of this Government.
+%
+If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
+ -- Paul Beatty
+%
+If all the world's economists were laid end to end,
+we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
+ -- William Baumol
+%
+If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
+and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
+not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on
+camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even
+responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs
+collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never
+have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
+ -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
+ in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
+%
+If an S and an I and an O and a U
+With an X at the end spell Su;
+And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
+Pray what is a speller to do?
+Then, if also an S and an I and a G
+And an HED spell side,
+There's nothing much left for a speller to do
+But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
+ -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
+%
+If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
+car he ever lays down in front of.
+ -- George Wallace
+%
+If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified,
+let him become president of Harvard.
+ -- Edward Holyoke
+%
+If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
+We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs,
+blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
+tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky".
+%
+If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
+ -- W. E. Hickson
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
+Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+
+[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.]
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
+ -- Leonard Levinson
+%
+If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
+%
+If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
+identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
+collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then
+I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as
+plentiful as blackberries.
+ -- Leslie Stephen
+%
+If bankers can count, how come they have
+eight windows and only four tellers?
+%
+If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by
+some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.
+ -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
+%
+If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing
+but illegal purposes.
+ -- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
+%
+If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James
+Watt's office.
+ -- Wayne Shannon
+%
+If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line.
+%
+If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
+serve us right.
+ -- Alistair Cooke
+%
+If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
+%
+If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
+%
+If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other,
+there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses
+is a fraud.
+ -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
+%
+If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
+do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
+no middleman.
+ -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
+%
+If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed
+him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation.
+ -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth"
+%
+If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
+around a deal faster.
+ -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
+%
+If everything on the road of life seems to
+be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
+%
+If everything seems to be going well,
+you have obviously overlooked something.
+%
+If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
+%
+If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
+is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
+exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
+after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
+exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
+can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
+ -- Bill Boquist
+%
+If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
+ -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI"
+%
+If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
+to a can.
+%
+If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
+%
+If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
+%
+If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
+%
+If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be in the Army,
+we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
+%
+If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
+%
+If God had not given us sticky tape,
+it would have been necessary to invent it.
+%
+If God had really intended men to fly,
+he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
+ -- George Winters
+%
+If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
+have made them cute and furry.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
+only ten apostles.
+%
+If God had wanted you to go around nude,
+He would have given you bigger hands.
+%
+If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid,
+He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
+%
+If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
+%
+If God is One, what is bad?
+ -- Charles Manson
+%
+If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
+%
+If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
+ -- Yiddish saying
+%
+If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
+ -- Marvin Kitman
+%
+If God wanted us to have a President,
+He would have sent us a candidate.
+ -- Jerry Dreshfield
+%
+If graphics hackers are so smart,
+why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
+%
+If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+If he had only learnt a little less, how
+infinitely better he might have taught much more!
+%
+If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days
+and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to
+think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.
+ -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
+%
+If he should ever change his faith,
+it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
+%
+If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
+ -- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+If I could read your mind, love,
+What a tale your thoughts could tell,
+Just like a paperback novel,
+The kind the drugstore sells,
+When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
+The hero would be me,
+Heroes often fail,
+You won't read that book again, because
+ the ending is just too hard to take.
+
+I walk away, like a movie star,
+Who gets burned in a three way script,
+Enter number two,
+A movie queen to play the scene
+Of bringing all the good things out in me,
+But for now, love, let's be real
+I never thought I could act this way,
+And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
+I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
+And I just can't get it back...
+ -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
+%
+If I could stick my pen in my heart,
+I would spill it all over the stage.
+Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
+Would you think the boy was strange?
+Ain't he strange?
+...
+If I could stick a knife in my heart,
+Suicide right on the stage,
+Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
+Would it help to ease the pain?
+Ease your brain?
+ -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
+%
+If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean?
+ -- Danno Coppock
+%
+If I don't drive around the park,
+I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
+If I'm in bed each night by ten,
+I may get back my looks again.
+If I abstain from fun and such,
+I'll probably amount to much;
+But I shall stay the way I am,
+Because I do not give a damn.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
+%
+If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
+Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's
+as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for
+you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
+%
+If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
+%
+IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's
+got to be a better way.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell,
+I'd sell the plantation and go home.
+ -- Eugene P. Gallagher
+%
+If I had any humility I would be perfect.
+ -- Ted Turner
+%
+If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
+a laboratory jar at Harvard.
+ -- Frank Sinatra
+
+AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
+ -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
+%
+If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I
+would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
+trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier.
+I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd
+travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
+You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
+and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and,
+if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to
+have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
+years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
+without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
+If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
+lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
+earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky
+more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would
+ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies.
+%
+If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
+ -- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
+%
+If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
+shoulders of giants.
+ -- Isaac Newton
+
+In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
+the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
+ -- Gerald Holton
+
+If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on
+my shoulders.
+ -- Hal Abelson
+
+Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
+ -- Gauss
+
+Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
+stand on each other's toes.
+ -- Richard Hamming
+
+It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If
+this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and
+software engineers dig each other's graves.
+ -- Unknown
+%
+If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
+ -- Bob Hope
+%
+If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks,
+I would send a barrel or so to my other generals.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
+%
+If I love you, what business is it of yours?
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I
+just couldn't help myself.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
+ -- Alan Parsons Project
+%
+If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think
+I'm an engineer working on something.
+ -- S. R. McElroy
+%
+If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
+%
+If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
+As Dame Fortune did intend,
+Murphy would be there to tell me
+The pot's at the other end.
+ -- Bert Whitney
+%
+If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
+%
+If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could
+work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
+ -- Douglas Jerrold
+%
+If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it
+because I can't swim.
+ -- Bob Stanfield
+%
+If I'd known computer science was going to be like this,
+I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.
+ -- G. Hirst
+%
+If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
+%
+If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
+ -- Jerry Muscha
+%
+If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
+answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
+%
+If in doubt, mumble.
+%
+If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
+%
+If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
+%
+If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
+ -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
+%
+If it happens once, it's a bug.
+If it happens twice, it's a feature.
+If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
+%
+If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly.
+%
+If it heals good, say it.
+%
+If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will
+answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
+ -- Samuel Clemens
+%
+If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
+%
+If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work
+it's physics.
+%
+If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement.
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
+%
+If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
+%
+If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
+%
+If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
+ -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
+%
+If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
+I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down
+the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding-
+forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp
+of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw.
+ -- James Dickey
+%
+If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
+%
+If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
+%
+If it's worth doing, do it for money.
+%
+If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
+%
+If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
+%
+If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
+They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make
+fun of it.
+ -- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to
+send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the
+other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces
+of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why
+they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost,
+they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep
+them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ...
+ -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie
+%
+If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital,
+had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.
+ -- Karl Marx's Mother
+%
+If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
+%
+If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
+%
+If life is merely a joke, the question
+still remains: for whose amusement?
+%
+If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
+%
+If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
+you've got in the house.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low
+ -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
+%
+If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.
+ -- Phil Lapsley
+%
+If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
+%
+If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
+ -- Mary Wilson Little
+%
+If mathematically you end up with the wrong
+answer, try multiplying by the page number.
+%
+If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
+be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
+ -- Frances Rodman
+%
+If men are not afraid to die,
+it is of no avail to threaten them with death.
+
+If men live in constant fear of dying,
+And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
+Who will dare to break the law?
+
+There is always an official executioner.
+If you try to take his place,
+It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
+If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
+ you will only hurt your hand.
+ -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
+%
+If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
+%
+If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
+be a merrier world.
+ -- J. R. R. Tolkien
+%
+If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little
+of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
+and from that to incivility and procrastination.
+ -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859)
+%
+If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and
+over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection
+of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching
+in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not
+far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the
+various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor,
+it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any
+connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would
+get an unfair advantage.
+ -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
+%
+If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
+ -- Oscar Wilde,
+ "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
+%
+If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+If only God would give me some clear sign!
+Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
+%
+If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
+%
+If only you knew she loved you, you could
+face the uncertainty of whether you love her.
+%
+If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
+%
+If parents would only realize how they bore their children.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
+he should see how bad it is with representation.
+%
+If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward,
+then we are a sorry lot indeed.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If people concentrated on the really important things in life,
+there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
+ -- Doug Larson
+%
+If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
+ -- Edward E. Hippensteel
+
+[What brand of ink? Ed.]
+%
+If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they
+will take sandwiches.
+ -- Lord Boyd-orr
+
+Eats first, morals after.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
+%
+If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
+I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
+ -- Hermann Goering
+%
+If people see that you mean them no harm,
+they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
+%
+If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
+%
+If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime
+Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by
+an optional preceding '+').
+ -- POSIX 2001
+
+The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of
+(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time.
+ -- RFC 2822
+%
+If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
+ -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
+%
+If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
+%
+If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
+%
+If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
+%
+If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
+ -- Tom Wicker
+%
+If researchers wrote nursery rhymes...
+
+Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region,
+Eating components of soured milk.
+On at least one occasion,
+ along came an arachnid and sat down beside her,
+Or at least in her vicinity,
+And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear,
+Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly.
+ -- Ann Melugin Williams
+%
+If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with
+pool cues, who would win?
+ 1) Ricky Schroder
+ 2) Gary Coleman
+ 3) The television viewing public
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
+ -- James Nicoll
+%
+If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
+arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
+world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
+the use of the mathematics of probability.
+ -- Vannevar Bush
+%
+If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
+books on how to?
+ -- Bette Midler
+%
+If she had not been cupric in her ions,
+Her shape ovoidal,
+Their romance might have flourished.
+But he built tetrahedral in his shape,
+His ions ferric,
+Love could not help but die,
+Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished.
+%
+If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
+ -- Robert Frost
+%
+If some people didn't tell you,
+you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
+%
+If someone had told me I would be Pope
+one day, I would have studied harder.
+ -- Pope John Paul I
+%
+If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
+%
+If something has not yet gone wrong then it would
+ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
+%
+If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the
+way they do?
+%
+If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
+ -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
+%
+If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
+presumably flunk it.
+ -- Stanley Garn
+%
+If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
+Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon,
+and explode once a year killing everyone inside.
+ -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
+%
+If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,
+this would be a better world.
+ -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
+%
+If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
+ -- Norm Schryer
+%
+If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
+the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in
+college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
+method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
+learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should
+be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
+young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
+I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not
+by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise
+instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
+attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools,
+not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
+put on a professor.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
+steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
+principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
+feature, that.
+ -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990
+%
+If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
+ -- Robert Moses
+%
+If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical
+would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
+ -- Doug Larson
+
+[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
+%
+If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+If the future isn't what it used to be, does that
+mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
+%
+If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
+Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
+%
+If the government doesn't trust the people, why
+doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
+%
+If the grass is greener on other side of fence,
+consider what may be fertilizing it.
+%
+If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it,
+we would be so simple we couldn't.
+%
+If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
+me!
+ -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
+%
+If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation,
+I would have recommended something simpler.
+ -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile,
+ Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy.
+%
+If the master dies and the disciple grieves,
+the lives of both have been wasted.
+%
+If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched,
+then this sentence would not be false.
+%
+If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
+goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+If the odds are a million to one against something
+occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
+%
+If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
+what a living the poor could make!
+%
+If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
+%
+If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
+the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
+ -- Chris Torek
+%
+If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
+%
+If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
+Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count
+on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening,
+paper folding, or something.
+ -- C. Philip Wood
+%
+If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.
+ -- Chief Dan George
+%
+If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
+If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
+If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however,
+church attendance will exceed all expectations.
+ -- Reverend Chichester
+%
+If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
+%
+If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
+will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
+%
+If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing
+of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur
+of this life.
+ -- Albert Camus
+%
+If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.
+ -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr.
+%
+If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you
+can't afford divorce.
+ -- Jack Nicholson
+%
+If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
+ -- Art Hoppe
+%
+If there is no wind, row.
+ -- Polish proverb
+%
+If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
+have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule.
+ -- Saul Goodman
+%
+If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
+%
+If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three
+years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law
+school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
+ -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
+%
+If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
+something out of you.
+ -- Muhammad Ali
+%
+If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all?
+%
+If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical,
+go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These
+days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire
+to crudeness...
+ -- Johnny Mnemonic
+%
+If they were so inclined, they could impeach
+him because they don't like his necktie.
+ -- Attorney General William Saxbe
+%
+If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
+%
+If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
+%
+If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
+It's not time yet.
+%
+If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
+%
+If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
+yesterday?
+%
+If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
+doing the thinking.
+ -- Lyndon B. Johnson
+
+Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
+helmet off.
+ -- Lyndon B. Johnson
+
+I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
+itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
+ -- Lyndon B. Johnson
+%
+If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
+ -- Ernest Hemingway
+%
+If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
+%
+If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
+If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
+%
+If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
+%
+If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
+ -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
+%
+If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would
+all be millionaires.
+ -- Abigail Van Buren
+%
+If we do not change our direction we are
+likely to end up where we are headed.
+%
+If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.
+ -- John Sinclair
+%
+If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time
+of it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
+findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive.
+ -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
+ criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
+ crimes.
+%
+If we see the light at the end of the tunnel
+It's the light of an oncoming train.
+ -- Robert Lowell
+%
+If we spoke a different language, we
+would perceive a somewhat different world.
+ -- Wittgenstein
+%
+If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty,
+we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.
+ -- Samuel Adams
+%
+If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
+%
+If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us
+with alarm clocks.
+%
+If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
+%
+If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to
+do something else.
+ -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
+%
+If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
+in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
+qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
+ -- Marguerite Emmons
+%
+If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
+%
+If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the
+beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its
+lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days
+women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
+ -- Aristotle Onassis
+%
+If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer.
+Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter
+than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is.
+ -- Andrew Plotkin
+%
+If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
+Quit work and play for once!
+%
+If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
+ -- Arthur Miller
+%
+If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
+ -- Ann Edwards-Duff
+%
+If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
+ -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
+ crazy.
+%
+If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
+ -- Anton Chekov
+%
+If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
+%
+If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real
+good, you will get out of it.
+%
+If you are honest because honesty is the best policy,
+your honesty is corrupt.
+%
+If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no
+longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.
+ -- Abigail Van Buren
+%
+If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
+If you are for yourself, then what are you?
+If not now, when?
+%
+If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
+evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than
+words.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+If you are over 80 years old and accompanied
+by your parents, we will cash your check.
+%
+If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
+over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
+ -- Walter Hagen
+%
+If you are smart enough to know that you're not
+smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
+%
+If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
+%
+If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
+%
+If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
+ -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
+%
+If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
+ -- J. Paul Getty
+%
+If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
+%
+If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either.
+ -- Wittgenstein
+%
+If you can read this, you're too close.
+%
+If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
+%
+If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+If you cannot in the long run tell everyone
+what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.
+ -- Edwin Schrodinger
+%
+If you can't be good, be careful.
+If you can't be careful, give me a call.
+%
+If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
+%
+If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
+%
+If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
+%
+If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
+ -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
+%
+If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
+%
+If you catch a man, throw him back.
+ -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975
+%
+If you continually give you will continually have.
+%
+If you could only get that wonderful feeling of
+accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
+%
+If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
+%
+If you didn't have most of your friends,
+you wouldn't have most of your problems.
+%
+If you didn't have to work so hard,
+you'd have more time to be depressed.
+%
+If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
+ -- John Galsworthy
+%
+If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
+it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
+ -- Carlyle
+%
+If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
+%
+If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
+%
+If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists
+in the Bible.
+ -- Mordecai Richler
+%
+If you don't do it, you'll never know what
+would have happened if you had done it.
+%
+If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
+%
+If you don't drink it, someone else will.
+%
+If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
+ -- Clarence Day
+%
+If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
+ -- Freeman Dyson
+%
+If you don't have the time right now,
+will you have redo right time later?
+%
+If you don't have time to do it right, where
+are you going to find the time to do it over?
+%
+If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
+%
+If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
+%
+If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
+ -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
+%
+If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little
+Lavoris in the toilet.
+ -- Jay Leno
+%
+If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
+%
+If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
+either of you for the rest of the day.
+%
+If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
+have to get a toehold in the public eye.
+%
+If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
+an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that
+it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
+will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything
+it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
+around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
+carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted
+raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
+what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
+properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
+gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
+numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
+you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
+over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
+was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
+network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
+software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
+number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
+in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
+get my drift.
+%
+If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
+will.
+%
+If you explain something so clearly that no
+one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
+%
+If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
+%
+If you find a solution and become attached to it,
+the solution may become your next problem.
+%
+If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
+%
+If you float on instinct alone, how can you
+calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?
+ -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
+%
+If you fool around with something long
+enough, it will eventually break.
+%
+If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
+%
+If you give Congress a chance to vote on
+both sides of an issue, it will always do it.
+ -- Les Aspin, D, Wisconsin
+%
+If you go on with this nuclear arms race,
+all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+If you go out of your mind, do it quietly,
+so as not to disturb those around you.
+%
+If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are
+all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
+swimming.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
+%
+If you had better tools, you could more
+effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
+%
+If you had just one moment to live
+And they granted you one special wish
+Would you ask for something
+Like another chance.
+ -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys"
+%
+If you hands are clean and your cause is just
+and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
+%
+If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
+%
+If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
+ -- Bette Davis
+%
+If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
+%
+If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
+new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
+does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must
+make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
+The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
+you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
+will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with
+cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
+dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion
+of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things
+straight.
+ -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
+%
+If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
+ -- Spiro Agnew
+%
+If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
+%
+If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
+ -- Louis Armstrong
+%
+If you have to hate, hate gently.
+%
+If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
+%
+If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
+in chartered accountancy beckons.
+ -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
+ Systems course.
+%
+If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
+hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
+ -- Neil Bogart
+%
+If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
+yourself in the posterior.
+ -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press"
+%
+If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
+%
+If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
+rubbish into it.
+ -- William Orton
+%
+If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
+%
+If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
+ -- Petersen Nesbit
+%
+If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end...
+you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
+365 useless things.
+%
+If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
+probably worth it.
+%
+If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven.
+%
+If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
+ -- Graham Summer
+%
+If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
+ -- Simone De Beauvoir
+%
+If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
+because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
+and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
+ -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
+%
+If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
+If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
+%
+If you lose a son you can always get another,
+but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
+ -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
+%
+If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
+he'll get rich or famous or both.
+%
+If you love someone, set them free.
+If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
+%
+If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
+come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
+%
+If you make a mistake you right it
+immediately to the best of your ability.
+%
+If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
+with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
+but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
+%
+If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll
+be married to a man who cheats on his wife.
+ -- Ann Landers
+%
+If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
+ -- Schmidt
+%
+If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty.
+Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
+%
+If you need anything just whistle.
+You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve?
+Just put your lips together and blow.
+ -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not"
+%
+If you notice that a person is deceiving you,
+they must not be deceiving you very well.
+%
+If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
+ -- Maslow
+%
+If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
+can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
+develop.
+%
+If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
+you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
+you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
+ice, but no cup.
+%
+If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
+this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
+somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
+%
+If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
+%
+If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
+But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
+is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it.
+ -- Pierre Gallois
+%
+If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
+restaurant.
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
+Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have
+something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
+they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because
+they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them
+if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains
+-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
+ -- Hermann Goering
+%
+If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
+%
+If you remember the 60's, you weren't there.
+%
+If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
+deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading
+are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
+%
+If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
+%
+If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
+But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
+ -- Swami Prabhupada
+%
+If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're
+the sucker.
+%
+If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
+%
+If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
+%
+If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
+many it's research.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+If you stew apples like cranberries,
+they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
+ Or some joker who is slicker,
+ Will trick you of your liquor,
+If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
+%
+If you stick your head in the sand,
+one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
+%
+If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
+%
+If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
+schizophrenia.
+ -- Thomas Szasz
+%
+If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
+then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real
+harm.
+%
+If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
+%
+If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
+ -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
+%
+If you think last Tuesday was a drag,
+wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
+%
+If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
+try missing a couple of car payments.
+ -- Earl Wilson
+%
+If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you
+don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology.
+ -- Bruce Schneier
+%
+If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time
+someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with
+your Bic.
+%
+If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
+ -- Arthur Kasspe
+%
+If you think the system is working,
+ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
+%
+If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
+shopping center in the world?
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
+lack sufficient imagination.
+%
+If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
+to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
+say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party
+next year.
+ What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
+ up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if
+they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious
+to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
+parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having
+another one ...
+ If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
+unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
+through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
+they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
+your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
+them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
+ -- Mr. Interesting
+%
+If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
+end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
+ -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
+%
+If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
+ -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
+%
+If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
+done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
+%
+If you want divine justice, die.
+ -- Nick Seldon
+%
+If you want me to be a good little bunny
+just dangle some carats in front of my nose.
+ -- Lauren Bacall
+%
+If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.
+ -- Michelet
+%
+If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
+read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
+%
+If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
+he gave it to.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
+%
+If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
+books.
+ -- Alan King
+%
+If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
+ -- Harry Blackstone
+%
+If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
+Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.
+Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory
+containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with
+the word "National".
+ -- George Will
+%
+If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
+you say, talk in your sleep.
+%
+If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
+memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
+even if they don't know what it means.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
+%
+If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
+%
+If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
+fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
+heartbeats.
+%
+If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
+If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
+If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
+If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
+%
+If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
+%
+If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur
+boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.
+ -- Anton Chekov
+%
+If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him.
+If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak
+ well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents.
+If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
+If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
+ position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
+ but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
+If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
+ institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
+ be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
+ why.
+%
+If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
+%
+If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+If you would understand your own age, read the works
+of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely.
+%
+If you'd like to cultivate insomnia,
+Bed down with a pretty girl.
+Amor vincit omnia.
+%
+If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss.
+%
+If your bread is stale, make toast.
+%
+If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out.
+If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head.
+ -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince"
+%
+If your happiness depends on what somebody else does,
+I guess you do have a problem.
+ -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
+%
+If your mind grows weak,
+Don't yield to the weakness.
+Even if tired of thought,
+Never stop thinking.
+My sons and descendants,
+Don't get exhausted in reason--
+But become experienced.
+ -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
+%
+If your mother knew what you're doing,
+she'd probably hang her head and cry.
+%
+If your parents don't have kids, neither will you.
+%
+If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
+longer be fantasies.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
+embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+If you're careful enough, nothing
+bad or good will ever happen to you.
+%
+If you're carrying a torch, put it down.
+The Olympics are over.
+%
+If you're constantly being mistreated,
+you're cooperating with the treatment.
+%
+If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
+strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
+together yet.
+ -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89
+%
+If you're going to America, bring your own food.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+If you're going to do something tonight
+that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
+ -- Henny Youngman
+%
+If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
+%
+If you're happy, you're successful.
+%
+If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
+%
+If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
+%
+If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
+As well as by traffic and crime,
+Consider how worry-free gophers are,
+Though living on burrowed time.
+ -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
+%
+If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
+off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
+%
+If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Ignisecond, n.:
+ The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
+ door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Ignorance is bliss.
+ -- Thomas Gray
+
+Fortune updates the great quotes, #42:
+ BLISS is ignorance.
+%
+Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the
+rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
+ -- Franklin K. Dane
+%
+Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
+%
+Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
+so resolutely pursuing it.
+%
+Ignore previous fortune.
+%
+Il brilgue: les t^\boves libricilleux
+ Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
+Enm^\bim'\bes sont les gougebosquex,
+ Et le m^\bomerade horgrave.
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+Iles's Law:
+ There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
+ at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see
+ it. Neither will Iles.
+%
+I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
+%
+I'll burn my books.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
+carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
+I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun.
+ -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
+%
+I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
+listen to it!
+ -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
+%
+I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
+in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
+%
+I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
+Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
+And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
+And in our bound partition never part.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+I'll learn to play the Saxophone,
+I play just what I feel.
+Drink Scotch whisky all night long,
+And die behind the wheel.
+They got a name for the winners in the world,
+I want a name when I lose.
+They call Alabama the Crimson Tide,
+Call me Deacon Blues.
+ -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues"
+%
+I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon...
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+I'll never get off this planet.
+ -- Luke Skywalker
+%
+I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
+%
+I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
+That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood.
+ -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
+%
+I'll turn over a new leaf.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask
+any Indian.
+ -- Robert Orben
+
+Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
+ -- Jack Paar
+%
+Illegitimi non carborundum
+(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.)
+%
+Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot:
+it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
+%
+Illiterate? Write today, for free help!
+%
+Illusion is the first of all pleasures.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe
+that I could have evolved from man.
+%
+"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic."
+ -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of
+ the idea of a doomsday machine.
+"I'm a doctor, not an escalator."
+ -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant
+ Ellen up a steep incline.
+"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer."
+ -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta.
+"I'm a doctor, not an engineer."
+ -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in
+ Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise.
+"I'm a doctor, not a coal miner."
+ -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2.
+"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."
+ -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark
+ that Kirk talked strangely.
+"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor."
+ -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the
+ aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4.
+"What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?"
+ -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a
+ physical exam to answer the alert.
+%
+I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on
+a sports jacket and take off my brain.
+%
+I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
+%
+I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
+thank everyone for making this night necessary.
+ -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor
+%
+I'm all for computer dating, but I
+wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
+%
+I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
+eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
+ -- A. Lyman Chapin
+%
+I'm always looking for a new idea that
+will be more productive than its cost.
+ -- David Rockefeller
+%
+I'm an artist.
+But it's not what I really want to do.
+What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
+I know what you're going to say --
+"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds."
+All right! But it's what I want to do.
+Instead I have to go on painting all day long.
+
+The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
+ -- J. Feiffer
+%
+I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe
+that I could have been created by man.
+%
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler
+I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
+I'll tell some power broker
+ What they did for Iacocca
+Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
+I'm heading for that great receiving line.
+When they hand a million grand out,
+ I'll be standing with my hand out,
+Yessir, I'll get mine!
+ -- Tom Paxton
+%
+I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
+%
+"I'm dying," he croaked.
+"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
+"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
+"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
+"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
+"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
+"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
+"You snake," she rattled.
+"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
+"Company's coming," she guessed.
+"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
+"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
+"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
+"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
+"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
+ -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
+%
+I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
+ -- George McGovern
+%
+I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
+%
+I'm glad I was not born before tea.
+ -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
+%
+I'm glad that I'm an American,
+I'm glad that I am free,
+But I wish I were a little doggy,
+And McGovern were a tree.
+%
+I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
+every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
+it with you.
+
+> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
+ the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
+> And in LA it's 72.
+
+> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
+ is a million percent.
+> And in LA it's 72.
+
+> In New York there are a million interesting people.
+> And in LA there are 72.
+%
+I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
+ -- Spider Robinson
+%
+I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.
+ -- John Foreman
+%
+I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson
+says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.
+ -- Bob Hope
+%
+I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
+%
+I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
+ -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
+%
+I'm just as sad as sad can be!
+ I've missed your special date.
+Please say that you're not mad at me
+ My tax return is late.
+ -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
+%
+I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
+living apart.
+ -- e. e. cummings
+%
+I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
+N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
+I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
+She's traversed me seven times before.
+And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
+Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
+I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
+N-ary the tree I am, I am,
+N-ary the tree I am.
+ -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders
+%
+I'm not a lovable man.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out
+with twenty-eight years ago.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to
+match the men.
+ -- George Eliot
+%
+I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN.
+ -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C
+%
+I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
+%
+I'm not offering myself as an example;
+every life evolves by its own laws.
+%
+I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
+%
+I'm not proud.
+%
+I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!
+%
+I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
+ -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
+%
+I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
+%
+I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
+that good.
+ -- Amy Gorin
+%
+I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
+that some thinkle peep I am.
+It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
+%
+I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
+gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
+and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
+to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
+yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
+really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
+what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
+okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
+ -- Carl Sagan
+%
+I'm prepared for all emergencies but
+totally unprepared for everyday life.
+%
+I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
+-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
+ -- Arthur Godfrey
+%
+I'm really enjoying not talking to you...
+Let's not talk again REAL soon...
+%
+I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
+(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage.
+ -- English Professor, Providence College
+%
+I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
+%
+I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
+%
+I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
+coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
+you being a dumbass.
+ -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
+%
+I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma.
+%
+I'm sorry I missed.
+ -- Squeaky Fromme
+%
+I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
+%
+I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
+%
+I'm successful because I'm lucky.
+The harder I work, the luckier I get.
+%
+I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
+I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
+In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
+I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
+ -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance"
+%
+I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life,
+like pigeons and Catholics.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
+lives.
+%
+Imagination is more important than knowledge.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
+ -- Jules de Gaultier
+%
+Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
+usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
+thinks of complaining.
+ -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
+%
+Imagine me going around with a pot belly.
+It would mean political ruin.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
+a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
+storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
+voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
+What's the first question that the computer community asks?
+
+"Is it PC compatible?"
+%
+Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try.
+ -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
+%
+Imagine what we can imagine!
+ -- Arthur Rubinstein
+%
+Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.
+ -- Genji
+%
+Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
+ In order for something to become clean, something else must
+ become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
+ anything clean.
+%
+Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
+%
+Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
+%
+Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.
+ -- Lionel Trilling
+%
+Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.
+ -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
+%
+Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
+ -- Edgar A. Shoaff
+%
+Immutability, Three Rules of:
+ (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
+ (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
+ (3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
+%
+Impartial, adj.:
+ Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
+ espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
+ conflicting opinions.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
+mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
+Boss is reading it.
+%
+Impossible, adj.:
+ (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
+ (2) I can't be bothered;
+ (3) God can't be bothered.
+Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
+ -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
+%
+In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
+waffles.
+%
+In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
+get parts.
+%
+In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
+creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
+%
+In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
+syrup.
+%
+In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
+in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to
+revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
+behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
+shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
+
+It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
+ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
+%
+In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the
+dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government
+more to its liking.
+
+In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of
+Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
+liking.
+%
+In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
+%
+In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse,
+an IC will blow to protect the fuse.
+%
+In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves:
+the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
+%
+In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
+by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
+has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
+ -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
+%
+In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room
+humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network
+anyway.
+ -- The 5th Wave
+%
+In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
+Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
+%
+In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
+placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
+%
+In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the
+other really likes.
+ -- Elizabeth Ashley
+%
+In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ...
+in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent
+to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who
+have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle"
+%
+In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
+Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
+ -- Frank Mankiewicz
+%
+In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
+"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search
+of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest
+because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
+person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
+superior to Tops10.
+%
+In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
+taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
+%
+In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
+with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
+this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
+%
+In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
+of the risks he takes.
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson
+%
+In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
+sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
+those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
+devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
+as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to
+be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's
+beloved.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
+%
+In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
+incompetency
+ -- The Peter Principle
+%
+In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the
+sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
+ -- Idi Amin Dada
+%
+In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
+are to be treated as variables.
+%
+In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
+the answer may be obtained by inspection.
+%
+In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations --
+it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
+ -- Stuart Keate
+%
+In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
+%
+IN BOX:
+ A catch basin for everything you don't want
+ to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
+%
+In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless
+the cows are known sluts.
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it
+made the World Series just something that came later.
+ -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner
+%
+In buying horses and taking a wife
+shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
+%
+In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
+thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
+teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
+said, "up to the mathematicians."
+ -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
+%
+In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
+it into television shows.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
+%
+In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
+%
+In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
+against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
+%
+In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
+ -- The Kidner Report
+%
+In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
+%
+In case of injury notify your superior immediately.
+He'll kiss it and make it better.
+%
+In charity there is no excess.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
+husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
+be free of subjugation.
+ -- The Hindu Code of Manu
+%
+In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
+This is called Monotony.
+%
+In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
+a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order
+to get her attention.
+%
+In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
+%
+In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
+in any motor vehicle.
+%
+In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
+ -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
+%
+In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
+neighbor.
+%
+In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
+%
+In dwelling, be close to the land.
+In meditation, delve deep into the heart.
+In dealing with others, be gentle and kind.
+In speech, be true.
+In work, be competent.
+In action, be careful of your timing.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
+programming languages.
+%
+In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
+Find the fun and snap! The job's a game.
+And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
+ a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
+ -- Mary Poppins
+%
+In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
+%
+In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier
+transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform
+in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and
+spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime.
+ -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900
+%
+In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder;
+in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
+%
+In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
+I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
+because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
+didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the
+Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
+for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
+ -- Pastor Martin Niemoller
+%
+In God we trust; all else we walk through.
+%
+In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker
+know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?
+ -- Plato
+%
+In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
+the sidewalks when a concert is on.
+%
+In her first passion woman loves her lover,
+In all the others all she loves is love.
+ -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
+%
+In high school in Brooklyn
+I was the baseball manager,
+proud as I could be
+I chased baseballs,
+gathered thrown bats
+handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own
+It was very important work but it was dark blue while
+for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green
+but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything
+When the team got to me about my blue jacket;
+their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends
+I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year
+Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket
+got these jackets, and among all those green ones
+surely not a manager Even now, forty years after,
+ I still recall that jacket
+ and the memory goes on hurting.
+ -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
+%
+In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together
+afterwards that causes the problems.
+ -- Shelley Winters
+%
+In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
+ -- Rex Reed
+%
+In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
+use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
+which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror,
+murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
+and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had
+five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce?
+The cuckoo-clock.
+ -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man"
+%
+In just seven days, I can make you a man!
+ -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
+ [ (and seven nights...) Ed.]
+%
+In less than a century, computers will be making substantial
+progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.
+ -- James Slagle
+%
+In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
+pocket.
+%
+In like a dimwit, out like a light.
+ -- Pogo
+%
+In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
+ -- Bruton
+%
+In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
+pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while
+either flying or waiting to board a plane.
+%
+In marriage, as in war, it is permitted
+to take every advantage of the enemy.
+%
+In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but
+the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they
+have obtained from books of travel.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In matters of principle, stand like a rock;
+in matters of taste, swim with the current.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
+ -- Josi Simon
+%
+In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf.
+It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
+%
+In most instances, all an argument
+proves is that two people are present.
+%
+In my end is my beginning.
+ -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
+%
+In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
+your left leg, it's modern architecture.
+ -- Nancy Banks Smith
+%
+IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out
+becoming pure energy.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+In Nature there are neither rewards nor
+punishments, there are consequences.
+ -- R. G. Ingersoll
+%
+In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
+to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
+speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
+%
+In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar --
+a practice which is still continued.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
+%
+In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
+you're what's left.
+%
+In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
+%
+In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
+It is not always an easy sacrifice.
+%
+In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
+universe.
+ -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
+%
+In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
+is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme
+Court decision and violent revolution.
+ -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006)
+%
+In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
+%
+In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced
+a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.
+ -- John Diefenbaker
+%
+In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
+and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
+%
+In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
+of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
+view."
+%
+In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia,
+happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.
+ -- Paul Licker
+%
+In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you
+want the other person.
+ -- Margaret Anderson
+%
+In reply to a message by Scott Long:
+
+> Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming.
+
+Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in
+your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some
+computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY
+DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring
+their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6,
+whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc.
+
+It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD
+merger be that far off?
+ -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006)
+%
+In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
+Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
+Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
+We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
+ -- Will Durst
+%
+In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really
+good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change
+their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really
+do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
+human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot
+recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
+ -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
+%
+In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
+is over six feet in length.
+%
+In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+In short, _\bN is Richardian if, and only if, _\bN is not Richardian.
+%
+In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
+%
+In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.
+ -- Anne Frank
+%
+In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
+ -- Alan Kay
+%
+In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
+moving automobile.
+%
+[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
+could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
+that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
+
+And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
+over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
+didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
+point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
+we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ...
+
+So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
+Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
+_\bs_\be_\be the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
+rolled back.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+"In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal
+opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy."
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
+And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
+%
+In the beginning was the word.
+But by the time the second word was added to it,
+there was trouble.
+For with it came syntax ...
+ -- John Simon
+%
+In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the
+Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact
+which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative,
+intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page
+14, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and
+fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest
+discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers
+to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that
+memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote:
+
+ "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and
+ could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide
+ until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable
+ combination."
+
+Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he
+could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever.
+%
+In the days of old,
+When Knights were bold,
+ And women were too cautious;
+Oh, those gallant days,
+When women were women,
+ And men were really obnoxious.
+%
+In the dimestores and bus stations
+People talk of situations
+Read books repeat quotations
+Draw conclusions on the wall.
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+In the early morning queue,
+With a listing in my hand.
+With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9,
+Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go.
+I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue,
+How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows.
+In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft,
+With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast.
+ Hey, there it goes my friend,
+ I've moved up one at last.
+ -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early
+ Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot
+%
+In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
+ -- Martin Mull
+%
+In the first place, God made idiots;
+this was for practice; then he made school boards.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
+the proper order then why can't he?
+%
+In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
+ -- Joseph Stalin
+%
+In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
+You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
+%
+In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+In the highest society, as well as in the lowest,
+woman is merely an instrument of pleasure.
+ -- Tolstoy
+%
+In the land of the dark the Ship of the
+Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
+ -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
+%
+In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+In the long run we are all dead.
+ -- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands
+a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to
+the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
+
+Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
+A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
+%
+In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
+noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
+the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
+conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
+jaded group. Why don't I take you home?""
+ "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you
+live?"
+%
+In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not
+displeasing to us.
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
+%
+In the next world, you're on your own.
+%
+In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the
+wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After
+everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the
+camp.
+ After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from
+a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get
+louder and louder.
+ Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like
+the sound of those drums."
+ Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S
+NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER."
+%
+In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
+loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
+you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
+lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog
+and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
+was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
+struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
+and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
+crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
+ -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
+ novel.
+%
+In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
+shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old
+Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
+thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
+Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is
+something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
+conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+In the Spring, I have counted 136
+different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
+ -- Mark Twain, on New England weather
+%
+In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
+%
+In the time of peace and harmony
+Be a kind-hearted friend.
+In the time of conflict with enemies
+Be a falcon of advance and attack.
+ -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
+%
+In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
+out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
+ -- Art Linkletter
+%
+In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
+%
+In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
+In practice, there is.
+%
+In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.
+ -- Pliny the Elder
+%
+In this vale
+Of toil and sin
+Your head grows bald
+But not your chin.
+ -- Burma Shave
+%
+In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
+thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.
+So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
+%
+In this world there are only two tragedies. One is
+not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
+%
+In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
+my advice.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+In time, every post tends to be occupied by an
+employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
+the supervision of a licensed engineer.
+%
+In /users3 did Kubla Kahn
+A stately pleasure dome decree,
+Where /bin, the sacred river ran
+Through Test Suites measureless to Man
+Down to a sunless C.
+%
+In war it is not men, but the man who counts.
+ -- Napoleon
+%
+In war, truth is the first casualty.
+ -- U Thant
+%
+In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
+along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
+%
+In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
+%
+In wine there is truth (In vino veritas).
+ -- Pliny
+%
+In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
+But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.
+%
+In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
+A stately pleasure dome decree:
+Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
+Through caverns measureless to man
+Down to a sunless sea.
+So twice five miles of fertile ground
+With walls and towers were girdled round:
+And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
+Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
+And here were forest ancient as the hills,
+Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.
+ -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn"
+%
+In youth, it was a way I had
+To do my best to please,
+And change, with every passing lad,
+To suit his theories.
+
+But now I know the things I know,
+And do the things I do;
+And if you do not like me so,
+To hell, my love, with you!
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer"
+%
+INCENTIVE PROGRAM:
+ The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
+ to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with
+ profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
+ incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
+ keep it."
+%
+Include me out.
+%
+Increased knowledge will help you now.
+Have mate's phone bugged.
+%
+Incumbent, n.:
+ Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
+%
+Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as
+`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled
+with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'
+ -- M. D. Epstein
+%
+INDEX:
+ Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
+ alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
+%
+Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and
+basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley
+is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.
+ -- Carolyn Jones
+%
+Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
+%
+Individualists unite!
+%
+Indomitable in retreat; invincible in
+advance; insufferable in victory.
+ -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
+%
+Infancy, n.:
+ The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies
+ about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Infidel, n.:
+ In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
+ in Constantinople, one who does.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
+%
+Information Center, n.:
+ A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
+to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
+%
+Information is the inverse of entropy.
+%
+Information Processing:
+ What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
+ it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
+%
+Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
+
+ Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner:
+ Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles!
+ Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet
+ behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen
+ obedicing the instructs of the vessel.
+
+ On the door in a Belgrade hotel:
+ Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on
+ the service. Our utmost will improve it.
+
+ -- Colin Bowles
+%
+Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
+
+ Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
+ It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
+ dressed as a man.
+
+ Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
+ Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
+ or similar.
+
+ On a Bucharest elevator:
+
+ The lift is being fixed for the next days.
+ During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
+
+ -- Colin Bowles
+%
+Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
+
+ Various signs in Poland:
+
+ Right turn toward immediate outside.
+
+ Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons.
+
+ Five o'clock tea at all hours.
+
+ In a men's washroom in Sidney:
+
+ Shake excess water from hands, push button to start,
+ rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands
+ on front of shirt.
+
+ -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+Ingrate, n.:
+ A man who bites the hand that feeds him,
+ and then complains of indigestion.
+%
+Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
+ -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
+%
+Ink, n.:
+ A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
+ water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
+ promote intellectual crime.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one
+likes oneself.
+ -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
+%
+INNOVATE:
+ Annoy people.
+%
+Innovation is hard to schedule.
+ -- Dan Fylstra
+%
+INNUENDO:
+ Italian enema.
+%
+Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
+token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
+ -- Wilson Mizner
+%
+Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
+%
+Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when
+the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
+%
+INSECURITY:
+ Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
+ favorite words.
+
+ Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
+ the person who told it to you.
+%
+Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
+%
+Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first
+ hunting accident?"
+Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes."
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
+%
+Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't
+they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning
+anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five
+years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
+ -- Edgar W. Howe
+%
+Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated,
+it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches.
+It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter
+how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can
+hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control...
+ -- Dave Crocker
+%
+Integrity has no need for rules.
+%
+Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.
+ -- Henry Spencer
+%
+Intellect annuls Fate.
+So far as a man thinks, he is free.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Interchangeable parts won't.
+%
+INTEREST:
+ What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and
+ burned out employees must feign.
+%
+Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the
+street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US
+invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no;
+and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're
+best at, that's what I say.
+ -- "Doctor Who"
+%
+Interpreter, n.:
+ One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
+ each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the
+ interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
+%
+INTOXICATED:
+ When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
+%
+Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.
+
+INSTRUCTION SET
+ Code Mnemonic What
+ 0 NOP No Operation
+ 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)
+
+Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
+%
+Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
+%
+Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing --
+it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.
+ -- Bernard Cooke
+%
+I/O, I/O,
+It's off to disk I go,
+A bit or byte to read or write,
+I/O, I/O, I/O...
+%
+IOT trap -- core dumped
+%
+IOT trap -- mos dumped
+%
+Iowa State -- the high school after high school!
+ -- Crow T. Robot
+%
+Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because
+they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those
+little paper envelopes.
+%
+Iron Law of Distribution:
+ Them that has, gets.
+%
+IRONY:
+ A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
+ a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
+%
+Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
+ -- Douglas Hofstadter
+%
+Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
+%
+Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
+%
+Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
+%
+Is death legally binding?
+%
+Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
+meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as
+a soap bubble?
+%
+Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that?
+%
+Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
+of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out,
+and such as are out wish to get in?
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
+ -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
+%
+Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Is that really YOU that is reading this?
+%
+Is there life before breakfast?
+%
+Is this really happening?
+%
+Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
+%
+Isn't air travel wonderful?
+Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
+%
+Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent
+person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind?
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters
+%
+Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
+listen to weather forecasts and economists?
+ -- Kelvin Throop III
+%
+Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives
+avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that
+would make them better prospects?
+%
+Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live
+there?
+ -- Herb Caen
+%
+Isn't it strange that the same people that
+laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
+%
+ISO applications:
+ A solution in search of a problem!
+%
+Issawi's Laws of Progress:
+ The Course of Progress:
+ Most things get steadily worse.
+ The Path of Progress:
+ A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
+%
+It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
+as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
+had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
+"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
+Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
+came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
+this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
+Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
+To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
+your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
+"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
+%
+It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the
+most widely used higher level language for systems programming.
+ -- J. Sammet
+%
+It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
+Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
+It lies behind starts and under hills,
+And empty holes it fills.
+It comes first and follows after,
+Ends life, kills laughter.
+%
+"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
+any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
+horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
+existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
+that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
+thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
+horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's
+horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
+Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
+have wings by not being Walter's horse.
+
+I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
+then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
+for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
+necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
+better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
+ -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality"
+%
+It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would
+interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation
+for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were
+invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by
+was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is
+hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have
+carried me.
+ -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time"
+%
+It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
+%
+It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
+pick up something from the floor while you get up.
+%
+It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
+done and what you're going to do.
+%
+It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
+%
+It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
+next morning it was someone else.
+ -- Rogers
+%
+It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan
+which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons,
+insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather
+than be the instrument of his army's downfall.
+ -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought"
+%
+It gets late early out there.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+It got to the point where I had to get a haircut
+or both feet firmly planted in the air.
+%
+It hangs down from the chandelier
+Nobody knows quite what it does
+Its color is odd and its shape is weird
+It emits a high-sounding buzz
+
+It grows a couple of feet each day
+and wriggles with sort of a twitch
+Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
+a visiting uncle who's rich!
+ -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"
+%
+It happened long ago
+In the new magic land
+The Indians and the buffalo
+Existed hand in hand
+The Indians needed food
+They need skins for a roof
+The only took what they needed
+And the buffalo ran loose
+But then came the white man
+With his thick and empty head
+He couldn't see past his billfold
+He wanted all the buffalo dead
+It was sad, oh so sad.
+ -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo"
+%
+It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
+came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
+applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
+think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
+wits, who believe that it is a joke.
+ -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
+%
+It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be
+most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment,
+it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.
+ -- H. Warner Munn
+%
+It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
+thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
+drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
+that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *_\bo_\bn_\bl_\by* by amusing oneself that
+one can learn."
+ -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
+%
+It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
+been searching for evidence which could support this.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
+and getting people under the influence.
+ -- Jeremy Tunstall
+%
+It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
+%
+It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill,
+or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who
+achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom
+good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy
+notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all
+infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from
+folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens
+their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that
+appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge,
+and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum
+competence will be quite enough.
+ -- The Underground Grammarian
+%
+It has long been an axiom of mine that the
+little things are infinitely the most important.
+ -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
+%
+It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the
+manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle
+baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest
+is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
+%
+It has long been known that one horse can run faster
+than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of
+indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury
+is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim
+of infanticide.
+ -- Edmond About
+%
+It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens,
+to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
+ -- Marcus Porcius Cato
+%
+It is a lesson which all history teaches
+wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
+%
+It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish.
+ -- Aeschylus
+%
+It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was
+my age, he had been dead for 2 years.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but
+it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
+organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
+manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
+I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
+ The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
+could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
+three more than the schedule allowed.
+ The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
+could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
+it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
+Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
+their thumbs for ten months.
+ To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
+program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
+but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
+it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
+integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
+estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
+%
+It is a wise father that knows his own child.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
+What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
+thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
+Urbana, Illinois.
+%
+It is all right to hold a conversation,
+but you should let go of it now and then.
+ -- Richard Armour
+%
+It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
+you are an exceptionally good liar.
+ -- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
+%
+It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
+pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
+sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
+they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
+that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
+much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
+had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
+conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
+intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
+
+Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
+destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
+alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
+misinterpreted ...
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
+ -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
+%
+It is bad luck to be superstitious.
+ -- Andrew W. Mathis
+%
+[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.
+ -- K&R
+%
+It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
+coming up it.
+ -- Henry Allen
+%
+It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
+One in a million, perhaps.
+%
+It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
+%
+It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
+%
+It is better to burn out than it is to rust.
+%
+It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
+%
+It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
+%
+It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
+%
+It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
+%
+It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
+%
+It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
+%
+It is better to live rich than to die rich.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
+%
+It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
+%
+It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free,
+and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
+%
+It is better to wear out than to rust out.
+%
+It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
+freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails,
+admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
+ -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
+%
+It is contrary to reasoning to say that there
+is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.
+ -- Rene Descartes
+%
+It is convenient that there be gods, and,
+as it is convenient, let us believe there are.
+ -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
+%
+It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
+remember.
+ -- Eugene McCarthy
+%
+It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary
+depends upon his not understanding it.
+ -- Upton Sinclair
+%
+It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
+%
+It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
+incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
+twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
+ -- Rod Serling
+%
+It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
+%
+It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
+lightly greased.
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
+proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community a
+better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to treat
+your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus of
+attention, the harder the task.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
+%
+It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
+ -- Alfred Adler
+%
+It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.
+ -- George Santayana
+%
+It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.
+ -- Leonardo da Vinci
+%
+It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
+%
+It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
+%
+It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
+ -- Aeschylus
+%
+It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination
+of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
+ -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
+%
+It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
+holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
+is there, but speed him when he wishes.
+ -- Homer, "The Odyssey"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to scheduling.]
+%
+It is exactly because a man cannot do a
+thing that he is a proper judge of it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This
+is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the
+last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give
+enough.
+ -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
+%
+It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love.
+%
+It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
+without your help.
+ -- Miss Manners
+%
+It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
+%
+It is fruitless:
+ to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid.
+
+ to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with
+ innovative maneuvers.
+%
+It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
+if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
+ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
+ -- Robert Storm Petersen
+%
+It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion:
+love does not lie in the ear.
+ -- Walpole
+%
+It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
+Boulevard at one time.
+%
+It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
+%
+It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
+the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the
+case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
+crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
+%
+It is impossible to defend perfectly
+against the attack of those who want to die.
+%
+It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly
+unless one has plenty of work to do.
+ -- Jerome Klapka Jerome
+%
+It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
+a tune.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+It is impossible to make anything
+foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
+%
+It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
+certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+IT IS IN PROCESS:
+ So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
+%
+It is indeed desirable to be well descended,
+but the glory belongs to our ancestors.
+ -- Plutarch
+%
+It is like saying that for the cause of peace,
+God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.
+ -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
+%
+It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his
+wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when
+they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks
+like a happy married life.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
+offense consists in doubting it.
+ -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
+%
+It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+It is much easier to suggest solutions
+when you know nothing about the problem.
+%
+It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
+%
+It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
+privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
+corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
+ -- Kingsley Amis
+%
+It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
+%
+It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do,
+that makes life blessed.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail.
+ -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
+ [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.]
+
+It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+ [Great minds think alike? Ed.]
+%
+It is not enough to have a good mind.
+The main thing is to use it well.
+ -- Rene Descartes
+%
+It is not enough to have great qualities,
+we should also have the management of them.
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
+%
+It is not every question that deserves an answer.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+It is not for me to attempt to fathom the
+inscrutable workings of Providence.
+ -- The Earl of Birkenhead
+%
+It is not good for a man to be without knowledge,
+and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.
+ -- Proverbs 19:2
+%
+It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for
+dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but
+she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She
+does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a
+dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the
+dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours.
+ -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman"
+%
+It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply
+that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.
+ -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
+%
+It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
+the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the
+man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
+blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
+knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
+worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
+he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
+or defeat.
+ -- Teddy Roosevelt
+%
+It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on
+the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His
+wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a
+kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and
+big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair
+and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some
+kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife
+sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.*
+ -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road"
+%
+It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
+ -- Elizabeth Carpenter
+%
+It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
+%
+It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort
+to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and
+chemistry.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
+ -- Grace Murray Hopper
+%
+It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live
+at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result
+is the only thing that makes the result come true.
+ -- William James
+%
+It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
+dignity.
+%
+It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
+to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
+ -- Havelock Ellis
+%
+It is only with the heart one can see clearly;
+what is essential is invisible to the eye.
+ -- The Fox, "The Little Prince"
+%
+It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK]
+unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the
+word "quack".
+ -- Garrett Wollman
+%
+It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost
+anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push
+a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible
+way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension
+should be used in its proper place.
+ -- Christopher Strachey
+%
+It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
+ -- Maimie Van Doren
+%
+It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
+have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
+mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
+rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
+kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
+ -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
+%
+It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories,
+his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the
+worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one
+day like any other day, only shorter.
+ -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
+%
+It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a
+sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate
+in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this,
+too, shall pass away."
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
+lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
+high as the eagle?
+%
+It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
+ -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
+%
+It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
+devil when he is the only explanation of it.
+ -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
+%
+It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
+yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
+%
+It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
+statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
+to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
+which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
+highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
+worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
+%
+It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
+crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
+until the other has gone.
+%
+It is the business of little minds to shrink.
+ -- Carl Sandburg
+%
+It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
+ -- Hawkwind
+%
+It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will
+set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
+%
+It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously
+lives, works and has his being.
+ -- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
+straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But it takes
+Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
+%
+It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.
+ -- Lloyd Kaufman,
+ producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
+%
+It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist.
+It produces a false impression.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
+ -- Roger Babson
+%
+It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
+%
+It isn't easy being green.
+ -- Kermit the Frog
+%
+It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty
+small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands
+computers.
+%
+It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
+unhappy.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with.
+ -- Jack T. Shakespeare
+%
+It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods
+to Grandmother's condo.
+%
+It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
+probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
+%
+It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.
+Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
+a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
+that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
+
+Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair
+to get in, and those within despair of getting out.
+ -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
+%
+It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win
+or lose.
+ -- Darrin Weinberg
+%
+It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
+good either if you speak when your head is empty.
+%
+It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is
+better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+It may be that your whole purpose in life
+is simply to serve as a warning to others.
+%
+It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
+%
+It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
+doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
+a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
+by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
+in those who would gain by the new ones.
+ -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
+%
+It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions
+that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that
+starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.
+ -- Arthur Binstead
+%
+It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
+%
+It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
+%
+It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of
+one's life and then come round.
+ -- Lord Alfred Douglas
+%
+It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
+%
+It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and
+they'll come out for it.
+ -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood
+ mogul Harry Cohn
+%
+It runs like _\bx, where _\bx is something unsavory.
+ -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
+%
+It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
+slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
+more.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
+%
+It seems a little silly now, but this country
+was founded as a protest against taxation.
+%
+It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should
+be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of
+unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of
+artificial lubrication or foreplay.
+ -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
+ "Sex, Art and American Culture"
+%
+It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.
+ -- Chris Torek
+%
+It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
+flag.
+%
+It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level
+language named "research student".
+%
+It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
+%
+It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how
+to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things,
+and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family
+airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The
+average wife is like that.
+ -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike
+%
+It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the
+municipality.
+ -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
+%
+It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional.
+ -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia
+%
+It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
+%
+It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
+%
+It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
+ -- Crazy Charlie
+%
+It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
+%
+It takes less time to do a thing right
+than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
+ -- H. W. Longfellow
+%
+It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
+%
+It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
+may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
+military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
+the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
+a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
+officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
+Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
+ -- Aviation Week and Space Technology
+%
+It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
+but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
+system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine
+some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very
+sharp, probably not someone here on campus.
+ -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in
+ Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm.
+%
+It used to be the fun was in
+The capture and kill.
+In another place and time
+I did it all for thrills.
+ -- Lust to Love
+%
+It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
+%
+It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
+%
+It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest
+since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and
+laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class.
+ -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
+%
+It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks
+never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies.
+ -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
+%
+It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
+foot.
+%
+It was all so different before everything changed.
+%
+It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer,
+when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
+ -- Dion, noted computer scientist
+%
+It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
+was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
+ -- James Dent
+%
+It was one time too many
+One word too few
+It was all too much for me and you
+There was one way to go
+Nothing more we could do
+One time too many
+One word too few
+ -- Meredith Tanner
+%
+It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
+%
+It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets,"
+thought Frito.
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
+I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
+don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
+the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
+charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
+novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
+yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
+man a lifetime.
+ -- Thomas Aldrich
+%
+It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country
+road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse
+and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water
+from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop.
+The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked
+to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a
+man appeared out of an upstairs window.
+ "What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
+ "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you
+would let me stay here for the night."
+ "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's
+okay with me."
+%
+It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
+Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+It was wonderful to find America, but it
+would have been more wonderful to miss it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
+ -- Tim Conway
+%
+It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.
+It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
+%
+It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
+the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
+%
+It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
+nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
+examples.
+ -- Charles Dickens
+%
+It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
+warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
+two things still safe to eat.
+ -- Robert Fuoss
+%
+It would be nice to be sure of anything
+the way some people are of everything.
+%
+It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
+%
+Italic, adj.:
+ Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
+ Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases
+ are often slanted to the left.
+%
+It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
+%
+It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home.
+ -- Luke Skywalker
+%
+It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.
+ -- Danny Vermin
+%
+It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back
+and party!
+ -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
+%
+It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
+ -- Andrew Jackson
+%
+It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
+ -- Cheers
+%
+It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
+%
+It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
+breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
+%
+It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
+%
+It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
+when you lose yours.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+It's a very *_\bU_\bN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
+ -- Churchy La Femme
+%
+It's all in the mind, ya know.
+%
+It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
+ -- Mick Jagger
+%
+It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
+any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
+never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
+out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
+What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
+flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
+half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
+then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
+have thought it up, I wonder?
+ -- James Purdy
+%
+It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
+%
+It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
+%
+It's amazing how many people you could be friends
+with if only they'd make the first approach.
+%
+It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
+%
+It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
+%
+It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
+ -- Michael Arlen
+%
+It's bad enough that life is a rat-race,
+but why do the rats always have to win?
+%
+It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
+ -- Marty Winch
+%
+It's better to burn out than to fade away.
+%
+It's business doing pleasure with you.
+%
+It's clever, but is it art?
+%
+It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
+%
+"It's easier said than done."
+
+... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
+said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
+said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
+done".
+%
+It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
+ -- Don Price
+%
+It's easier to get forgiveness for being
+wrong than forgiveness for being right.
+%
+It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
+ -- Washlesky
+%
+It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong;
+it's much harder to forgive them for being right.
+%
+It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
+%
+It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
+ -- Macy's
+%
+Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
+in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
+the ignorance of the community.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+It's faster horses,
+Younger women,
+Older whiskey and
+More money.
+ -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life"
+%
+It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
+%
+It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the
+first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to
+kill somebody.
+ -- Dorothy Sayers
+%
+It's gonna be alright,
+It's almost midnight,
+And I've got two more bottles of wine.
+%
+It's hard not to like a man of many qualities,
+even if most of them are bad.
+%
+It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.
+If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
+%
+It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
+%
+It's hard to drive at the limit, but
+it's harder to know where the limits are.
+ -- Stirling Moss
+%
+It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+It's hard to keep your shirt on when
+you're getting something off your chest.
+%
+It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe.
+ -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead"
+%
+It's hard to think of you as the end
+result of millions of years of evolution.
+%
+It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
+%
+It's important that people know what you stand for.
+It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
+%
+It's interesting to think that many quite
+distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
+%
+It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
+If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
+our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
+ -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News"
+%
+It's just a jump to the left
+ And then a step to the right.
+Put your hands on your hips
+ You bring your knees in tight.
+But it's the pelvic thrust
+ That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane!
+
+ LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
+
+ -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
+%
+It's just apartment house rules,
+So all you 'partment house fools
+Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
+One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
+ -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
+%
+It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
+ -- Walt Disney
+%
+It's later than you think.
+%
+It's later than you think, the joint
+Russian-American space mission has already begun.
+%
+It's like deja vu all over again.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+It's Like This
+
+Even the samurai
+have teddy bears,
+and even the teddy bears
+get drunk.
+%
+It's lucky you're going so slowly, because
+you're going in the wrong direction.
+%
+It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
+ -- Sam Goldwyn
+%
+It's multiple choice time...
+
+ What is FORTRAN?
+
+ a: Between thre and fiv tran.
+ b: What two computers engage in before they interface.
+ c: Ridiculous.
+%
+Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence.
+It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
+%
+It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding
+a sickness you like.
+ -- Jackie Mason
+%
+It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how
+to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
+%
+It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
+ -- Phil White
+%
+It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.
+ -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
+%
+It's not easy being green.
+ -- Kermit
+%
+It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
+ -- Alexander Korda
+%
+It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.
+ -- J. K. Galbraith
+%
+It's not just a computer -- it's your ass.
+ -- Cal Keegan
+%
+It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
+what you're taking for it...
+%
+It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
+%
+It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
+the ground.
+ -- Daniel B. Luten
+%
+It's not that I'm afraid to die.
+I just don't want to be there when it happens.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
+%
+It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
+ -- Garfield
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
+ -- Grantland Rice
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
+%
+It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
+%
+It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is
+the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
+"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain
+what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.
+ -- Roger Noe
+%
+It's our fault. We should have given him better parts.
+ -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
+ elected governor of California.
+
+[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
+for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
+%
+It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve
+as a warning to others.
+%
+It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness;
+poverty and wealth have both failed.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
+%
+It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
+%
+It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough,
+society will take full responsibility for you.
+%
+It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
+using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not
+only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only
+difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
+results to humans.
+
+ [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.]
+%
+It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
+have been all over it.
+ -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
+%
+It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
+ just to see if it's real,
+Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
+But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
+So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
+Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
+ -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
+%
+It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
+%
+It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
+%
+It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.
+ -- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises
+the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer...
+boy gets another beer.
+ -- Cheers
+%
+It's the thought, if any, that counts!
+%
+It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
+madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
+%
+It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the
+venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.
+ -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy
+%
+It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never
+know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
+%
+IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
+ equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
+ spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
+ Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
+ inevitably unsuccessful.
+ V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
+ Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
+ them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
+ adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
+ the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
+ The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
+ auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
+VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
+ This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
+ character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
+ altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common
+ as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky"
+ character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
+ speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
+ -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980
+%
+I've already told you more than I know.
+%
+I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
+%
+I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
+when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
+%
+I've always made it a solemn practice to never
+drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast.
+ -- R. Nesson
+%
+I've been in more laps than a napkin.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I've Been Moved!
+%
+I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
+ -- Totie Fields
+%
+I've been on this lonely road so long,
+Does anybody know where it goes,
+I remember last time the signs pointed home,
+A month ago.
+ -- Carpenters, "Road Ode"
+%
+I've been there.
+%
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General
+For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
+My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
+My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
+My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
+You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
+There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
+My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
+
+I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
+There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
+Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
+
+ -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
+ "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
+ by Gilbert & Sullivan)
+%
+I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
+%
+I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.
+It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.
+ -- Dennie van Tassel
+%
+I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
+this little hole in the bottom ...
+ -- John Croll
+%
+I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
+%
+I've got a very bad feeling about this.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.
+ -- Henny Youngman
+%
+I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
+on the same day.
+%
+I've looked at the listing, and it's right!
+ -- Joel Halpern
+%
+I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must
+be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember...
+
+Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
+%
+I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
+ -- George Gobel
+%
+I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
+ -- Keith Richards
+
+I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
+bad taste.
+ -- Keith Richards
+%
+I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
+%
+I've only got 12 cards.
+%
+I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer.
+ -- Senator Claghorn
+%
+I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not
+like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife;
+indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand
+devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this.
+I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them.
+ -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway
+%
+I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
+And from that full meridian of my glory
+I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
+Like a bright exhalation in the evening
+And no man see me more.
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
+me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
+ -- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
+ No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
+ legislature is in session.
+%
+jake hates
+ all the girls(the
+shy ones, the bold paul scorns all
+ones; the meek the girls(the
+proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim
+all except the cold ones; the slim
+ ones plump tiny tall)
+ all except the
+ dull ones
+gus loves all the
+ girls(the
+warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls
+ones; the mad (the
+moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean
+all except ones; the mean
+ the dead ones kind dirty clean)
+ all
+ except the green ones
+ -- e. e. cummings
+%
+James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
+indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his
+West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life,
+"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
+%
+Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
+east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
+Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
+because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
+by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
+grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
+television?" and "Good night".
+ -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
+ Letters, 1967
+%
+Japan, n.:
+ A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
+ create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It
+ is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
+ paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
+ which they are harvested by the happy natives.
+%
+Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
+%
+Jenkinson's Law:
+ It won't work.
+%
+Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account.
+You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up!
+%
+Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
+you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back!
+%
+Jim Nasium's Law:
+ In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people
+ using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to
+ each other so that everybody is cramped.
+%
+Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
+I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two
+days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem!
+%
+Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel
+Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it
+to you. You gonna pay it?
+%
+JOB INTERVIEW:
+ The excruciating process during which personnel officers
+ separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
+%
+Job Placement, n.:
+ Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
+%
+Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee.
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
+Her voice was little more than a whisper.
+ "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
+before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
+I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
+forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
+your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
+ "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
+whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
+%
+Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
+%
+Jogger, n.:
+ An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
+%
+John Dame May Oscar
+Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde
+But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton
+Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder
+ -- Willard Espy
+%
+JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!!
+
+(George and Ringo miffed.)
+%
+John the Baptist after poisoning a thief,
+Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief,
+Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief
+Is there a hole for me to get sick in?
+The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly,
+Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry.
+And dropping a barbell he points to the sky,
+Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken.
+ -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues"
+%
+Johnny Carson's Definition:
+ The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
+ in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
+ taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
+%
+Johnson's First Law:
+ When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
+ most inconvenient possible time.
+%
+Johnson's law:
+ Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
+%
+Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
+Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
+%
+Join the army, see the world, meet interesting,
+exciting people, and kill them.
+%
+Join the march to save individuality!
+%
+Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands,
+meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
+%
+Jones' First Law:
+ Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
+ endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
+ obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
+ importance of their original contribution.
+%
+Jone's Motto:
+ Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+%
+Jones' Second Law:
+ The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
+ to blame it on.
+%
+Joshu: What is the true Way?
+Nansen: Every way is the true Way.
+J: Can I study it?
+N: The more you study, the further from the Way.
+J: If I don't study it, how can I know it?
+N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
+ It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do
+ not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open
+ yourself as wide as the sky.
+%
+Journalism is literature in a hurry.
+ -- Matthew Arnold
+%
+Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
+%
+Juall's Law on Nice Guys:
+ Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish.
+ Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
+%
+Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that
+reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away
+someone else's cash.
+ -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
+%
+Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
+Pick one.
+
+1: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
+2: It's cheaper than going to France.
+3: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
+4: Life is short.
+5: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
+6: It matches my eyes.
+7: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
+8: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
+9: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
+10: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
+11: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
+12: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
+%
+Just a song before I go, Going through security
+To whom it may concern, I held her for so long.
+Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love,
+It's easy to get burned. And she was gone.
+When the shows were over Just a song before I go,
+We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned.
+And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound
+I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned.
+She helped me with my suitcase,
+She stands before my eyes,
+Driving me to the airport
+And to the friendly skies.
+ -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go"
+%
+Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
+(and nobody cares about it).
+ -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
+%
+Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I
+cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in
+daydreams about women.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions
+seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be
+totally the loser and the other side to be totally the winner. The reason
+there are two sides to begin with usually is because neither side has all
+the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a compromise, he is
+not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
+sense of respect for the whole truth.
+ -- Stephen R. Schwambach
+%
+Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
+ -- Irene Peter
+%
+Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
+%
+Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't
+going to get hit.
+ -- Joey
+%
+Just because the message may never be
+received does not mean it is not worth sending.
+%
+Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they
+are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
+what I mean.
+ -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture
+%
+Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+Just because your doctor has a name for your
+condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
+%
+Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
+%
+Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times,
+and think to yourself, "There's no place like home."
+ -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
+%
+Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
+get a prompt, type like hell.
+%
+Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody
+who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth
+about his or her love affairs.
+ -- Rebecca West
+%
+Just machines to make big decisions,
+Programmed by men for compassion and vision,
+We'll be clean when their work is done,
+We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young,
+What a beautiful world this will be,
+What a glorious time to be free.
+ -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World"
+%
+Just once, I wish we would encounter
+an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
+ -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who"
+%
+Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some
+of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?
+ -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
+%
+Just remember, it all started with a mouse.
+ -- Walt Disney
+%
+Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
+twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
+%
+`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
+ As he landed his crew with care;
+Supporting each man on the top of the tide
+ By a finger entwined in his hair.
+
+`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
+ That alone should encourage the crew.
+Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
+ What I tell you three times is true.'
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark"
+%
+Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
+a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
+ -- Lionel Lauer
+%
+Just to have it is enough.
+%
+Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt
+of all the others, and then do what's best.
+ -- Lovers and Other Strangers
+%
+Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
+%
+Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
+faster rat!!!
+%
+Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
+Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
+I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
+Just can't remember who to send it to...
+
+Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
+I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
+I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
+But I always thought that I'd see you again.
+Thought I'd see you one more time again.
+ -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
+%
+Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
+ -- Michael J. Wagner
+%
+Justice is incidental to law and order.
+ -- J. Edgar Hoover
+%
+Justice, n.:
+ A decision in your favor.
+%
+K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
+ Cobol's wordy and confining;
+ KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
+ Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Kafka's Law:
+ In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
+ -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
+%
+Kamikazes do it once.
+%
+KANSAS:
+ Where the men are men and so are the women!
+%
+Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
+wear tail lights.
+%
+Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages:
+
+For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING
+package of snack food.
+
+Gibson the Cat's Corollary:
+
+For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package
+of lunch meat.
+%
+Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child?
+Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present
+ at the conception.
+ -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
+%
+Katz' Law:
+ Men and nations will act rationally when
+ all other possibilities have been exhausted.
+
+History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have
+exhausted all other alternatives.
+ -- Abba Eban
+%
+Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics:
+ Population density is inversely proportional
+ to the square of the distance from the keg.
+%
+Kaufman's Law:
+ A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence
+ of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
+%
+Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
+%
+Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she
+With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor,
+Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
+The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
+Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me...
+ -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus"
+%
+Keep cool, but don't freeze.
+ -- Hellman's Mayonnaise
+%
+Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
+%
+Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
+%
+Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
+ 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
+ straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
+ force is technically termed "car suck").
+ 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
+ than "Watch this!"
+ 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
+ proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a
+ Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
+ a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
+ 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
+ cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
+ Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
+ in the head and knock you silly.
+%
+Keep it short for pithy sake.
+%
+Keep on keepin' on.
+%
+Keep patting your enemy on the back until a
+small bullet hole appears between your fingers.
+ -- Joe Bonanno
+%
+Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
+ -- D. Gries
+%
+Keep the phase, baby.
+%
+Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
+%
+Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way
+you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you
+at the end of six months.
+ -- Moore
+%
+Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
+%
+Keep your Eye on the Ball,
+Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
+Your Nose to the Grindstone,
+Your Feet on the Ground,
+Your Head on your Shoulders.
+Now... try to get something DONE!
+%
+Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Keep your laws off my body!
+%
+Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
+Open it and you remove all doubt.
+%
+Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
+automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
+numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
+driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
+dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
+what's wrong."
+%
+Kennedy's Market Theorem:
+ Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
+ you've got to go broke.
+%
+Kent's Heuristic:
+ Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
+%
+Kern, v.:
+ 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
+ of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
+ metal object used as part of the monetary system.
+%
+KERNEL:
+ A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
+ traditions of sorcery and black art.
+%
+Kettering's Observation:
+ Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
+%
+Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
+%
+Kids have *_\bn_\be_\bv_\be_\br* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
+travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
+original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
+teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
+grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
+teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
+%
+Kill a commy for your mommy.
+%
+Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out.
+%
+Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali!
+ -- Hindu saying
+%
+Kill Kill,
+Hate Hate,
+Murder, Maim, and Mutilate!
+%
+Kill your parents.
+ -- Jerry Rubin
+%
+Killing turkeys causes winter.
+%
+Kilroe hic erat!
+%
+Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness:
+ Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
+%
+Kin, n.:
+ An affliction of the blood.
+%
+Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.
+ -- Muad'dib, "Dune"
+%
+Kington's Law of Perforation:
+ If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
+ as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
+ part of the paper.
+%
+Kinkler's First Law:
+ Responsibility always exceeds authority.
+
+Kinkler's Second Law:
+ All the easy problems have been solved.
+%
+Kirk to Enterprise...
+%
+Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
+%
+Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
+any of its streets.
+%
+Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
+%
+Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
+%
+Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
+%
+Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
+%
+Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
+%
+Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
+%
+Kissing don't last, cookery do.
+ -- George Meredith
+%
+Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and
+sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.
+ -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
+%
+Kitchen activity is highlighted.
+Butter up a friend.
+%
+Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Klatu barada nikto.
+%
+Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
+%
+Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within.
+%
+Kleptomaniac, n.:
+ A rich thief.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Kliban's First Law of Dining:
+ Never eat anything bigger than your head.
+%
+Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!!
+100% Damage to life support!!!!
+%
+Kludge, n.:
+ An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a
+ distressing whole.
+ -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
+%
+Knebel's Law:
+ It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading
+ causes of statistics.
+%
+Knights are hardly worth it.
+I mean, all that shell and so little meat...
+%
+Knock, knock!
+ Who's there?
+Sam and Janet.
+ Sam and Janet who?
+Sam and Janet Evening...
+%
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea!
+[chorus]
+ Yeay!
+ Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
+ Stay on the Happy side of life!
+ Bum bum bum bum bum bum
+ You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
+ So Stay on the Happy Side of life!
+
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?)
+ An another eather bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?)
+ Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?)
+ Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?)
+ Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus]
+Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?)
+ Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus]
+%
+Knocked, you weren't in.
+ -- Opportunity
+%
+Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?
+
+-- No?
+
+GOOD!
+%
+Know Thy User.
+%
+Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
+%
+Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
+ -- Henry N. Camp
+%
+KNOWLEDGE:
+ Things you believe.
+%
+Knowledge is power.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost.
+ -- Aleister Crowley
+%
+Knowledge without common sense is folly.
+%
+Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
+Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
+Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
+Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
+Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
+%
+Kramer's Law:
+ You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
+%
+Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
+ The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+LA:
+ Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
+ is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
+ From mud slides to brush fires.
+%
+Labor, n.:
+ One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
+%
+Lack of money is the root of all evil.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Lackland's Laws:
+ 1. Never be first.
+ 2. Never be last.
+ 3. Never volunteer for anything.
+%
+Lactomangulation, n.:
+ Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
+ that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
+%
+Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
+Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
+I come before you to stand behind you
+To tell you of something I know nothing about.
+Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
+There will be a convention held in the
+Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
+Admission is free, pay at the door,
+Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
+It was a summer's day in winter,
+And the snow was raining fast,
+As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
+Stood sitting in the grass.
+Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
+Two dead men got up to fight.
+Three blind men to see fair play,
+Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
+Back to back, they faced each other,
+Drew their swords and shot each other.
+A deaf policeman heard the noise,
+Came and arrested those two dead boys.
+%
+Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
+boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
+the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
+under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
+to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with
+her.
+ -- Billie Jean King
+%
+Lady, lady, should you meet
+One whose ways are all discreet,
+One who murmurs that his wife
+Is the lodestar of his life,
+One who keeps assuring you
+That he never was untrue,
+Never loved another one...
+Lady, lady, better run!
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
+%
+Lady Luck brings added income today.
+Lady friend takes it away tonight.
+%
+Lady Nancy Astor:
+ "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
+Winston Churchill:
+ "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
+
+Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
+disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
+sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
+
+ During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
+luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second
+helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
+ "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
+white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
+ The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
+her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
+you would pin this on your white meat."
+%
+Ladybug, ladybug,
+Look to your stern!
+Your house is on fire,
+Your children will burn!
+So jump ye and sing, for
+The very first time
+The four lines above
+Have been put into rhyme.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Laetrile is the pits.
+%
+Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if
+each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.
+%
+Lake Erie died for your sins.
+%
+((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
+%
+Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his
+duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
+table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new
+manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
+of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
+candy, and said:
+ "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
+%
+Langsam's Laws:
+ (1) Everything depends.
+ (2) Nothing is always.
+ (3) Everything is sometimes.
+%
+Language is a virus from another planet.
+ -- William Burroughs
+%
+Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
+Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
+Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by
+ 20,000 women.
+ -- Lank and Earl
+%
+Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
+[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure,
+honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that
+he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
+%
+Large increases in cost with questionable increases in
+performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
+ -- Lord Kelvin
+%
+Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
+ By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
+times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
+twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while
+driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
+Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
+1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
+reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+Larkinson's Law:
+ All laws are basically false.
+%
+LASER:
+ Failed death ray.
+%
+Last guys don't finish nice.
+ -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
+%
+Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
+the pillow was gone.
+ -- Tommy Cooper
+%
+Last night I met upon the stair
+A little man who wasn't there.
+He wasn't there again today.
+Gee how I wish he'd go away!
+%
+Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
+The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
+I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
+%
+Last week's pet, this week's special.
+%
+Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
+every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
+I don't remember what it was.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
+%
+Latin is a language,
+As dead as can be.
+First it killed the Romans,
+And now it's killing me.
+%
+Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
+%
+Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
+%
+Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
+%
+Laugh at your problems: everybody else does.
+%
+Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
+%
+Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
+%
+Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
+ -- Victor Borge
+%
+Laura's Law:
+ No child throws up in the bathroom.
+%
+Lavish spending can be disastrous.
+Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
+%
+Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum
+force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+Law of Communications:
+ The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
+ between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
+ area of misunderstanding.
+%
+Law of Continuity:
+ Experiments should be reproducible.
+ They should all fail the same way.
+%
+Law of Probable Dispersal:
+ Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
+%
+Law of Selective Gravity:
+ An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
+
+Jenning's Corollary:
+ The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
+ directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
+%
+Law of the Jungle:
+ He who hesitates is lunch.
+%
+Law of the Yukon:
+ Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
+%
+Law stands mute in the midst of arms.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
+%
+Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
+%
+Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
+%
+Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made.
+ -- Otto von Bismarck
+%
+Laws of Computer Programming:
+ 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
+ 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
+ 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
+ 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
+ 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
+ 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
+ 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
+ the programmer who must maintain it.
+%
+Laws of Serendipity:
+
+ (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
+ something.
+ (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
+ be engaged in making an inferior one.
+%
+Lawsuit, n.:
+ A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Lawyer's Rule:
+ When the law is against you, argue the facts.
+ When the facts are against you, argue the law.
+ When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
+%
+Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.
+ -- S. J. Perelman
+%
+Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+Layers are for cakes, not for software.
+ -- Bart Smaalders
+%
+Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
+The reason, you will see, no doubt,
+Is to keep the lightning out.
+But what these unobservant birds
+Have failed to notice is that herds
+Of bears may come with buns
+And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
+%
+Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
+ No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
+ approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
+%
+LAZY:
+ Marrying a pregnant woman.
+%
+Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what
+is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and
+smaller -- and there are many more of them.
+ -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
+%
+Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
+%
+Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
+%
+Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
+%
+Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
+%
+LEARNING CURVE:
+ An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
+ in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
+ quicker you can do it.
+%
+Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
+everything else follows in the same way.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+Learning without thought is labor lost;
+thought without learning is perilous.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+Leave no stone unturned.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+Lee's Law:
+ Mother said there would be days like this,
+ but she never said that there'd be so many!
+%
+Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
+%
+Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
+fun?
+%
+Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
+ "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour
+unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a
+drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he
+can."
+%
+Leibowitz's Rule:
+ When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
+ finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
+%
+Lemma: All horses are the same color.
+Proof (by induction):
+ Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
+ horses in that set are the same color.
+ Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these
+ horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all
+ of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you
+ took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k
+ horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses
+ are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
+ horses are the same color.
+Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
+Proof (by intimidation):
+ Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It
+ is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
+ back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
+ horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is
+ infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
+ However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
+ infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different
+ color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
+%
+Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
+%
+Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
+%
+Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
+%
+LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22)
+ Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today.
+ Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on
+ your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+ You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
+ Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
+ criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
+%
+LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
+ Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. Your
+ ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because you've got
+ a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of fact, if you can
+ laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a sick sense of humor.
+%
+Lesbian QOTD:
+I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
+%
+Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
+%
+Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
+%
+Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
+number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
+another number.
+ -- James Estes
+%
+Let me not to the marriage of true minds
+Admit impediments. Love is not love
+Which alters when it alteration finds,
+Or bends with the remover to remove.
+O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
+That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
+It is the star to every wandering bark,
+Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
+Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
+Within his bending sickle's compass come;
+Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
+But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
+ If this be error and upon me proved,
+ I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
+ -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI
+%
+Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
+%
+Let me take you a button-hole lower.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have
+George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing
+wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval
+of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing
+praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.)
+Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George
+in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute
+for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped
+around his neck.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Let my own body be exhausted,
+But not the wealth of my state.
+Let my mortal body vanish,
+But not the power of my state.
+ -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
+%
+Let no guilty man escape.
+ -- U. S. Grant
+%
+Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
+%
+Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.
+ -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
+%
+Let sleeping dogs lie.
+ -- Charles Dickens
+%
+Let the machine do the dirty work.
+ -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style"
+%
+Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
+ -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
+%
+Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
+they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
+ -- Al Capone
+%
+Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Let us go then you and I
+while the night is laid out against the sky
+like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.
+
+Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?
+ -- Ezra
+%
+Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
+The muttering retreats
+Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
+And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
+Streets that follow like a tedious argument
+Of insidious intent
+To lead you to an overwhelming question...
+Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
+ -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
+%
+Let us live!!!
+Let us love!!!
+Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
+
+You first.
+%
+Let us never negotiate out of fear,
+but let us never fear to negotiate.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Let us not look back in anger or forward
+in fear, but around us in awareness.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
+%
+Let us treat men and women well;
+Treat them as if they were real;
+Perhaps they are.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Let your conscience be your guide.
+ -- Pope
+%
+L'etat c'est moi.
+[The state, that's me.]
+ -- Louis XIV
+%
+Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again.
+%
+Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
+relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
+really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the end.
+For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the qualities
+I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and bossy...
+Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind his back."
+ -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
+%
+Let's love each other slowly,
+reaching for a plane,
+of exquisite pleasure,
+and delicate pain.
+ -- Adam Beslove
+%
+Let's not complicate our relationship
+by trying to communicate with each other.
+%
+Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
+%
+Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.
+ -- Austen Briggs
+%
+Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your
+hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental
+Anguish. You would sue:
+
+* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
+ section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
+ into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
+ in there".
+
+* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
+ cretin like yourself.
+
+* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
+ case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
+ a large cash settlement anyway.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
+overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
+dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
+tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
+spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
+money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
+probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
+It's not his money.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
+
+Dear Sir,
+
+I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
+to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
+public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
+in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
+will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
+agricultural industry.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+ Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
+ Sevenoaks
+%
+LEVERAGE:
+ Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks
+ about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
+%
+Leveraging always beats prototyping.
+%
+Lewis's Law of Travel:
+ The first piece of luggage out of the
+ chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
+%
+L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
+ -- L. Pasteur
+%
+Liar, n.:
+ A lawyer with a roving commission.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
+ -- Oliver Herford
+%
+LIBERAL:
+ Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
+%
+Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
+trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you.
+ -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
+%
+Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
+ -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
+%
+LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
+ Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire
+ for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone
+ is watching you, so stop staring like that.
+%
+LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
+ Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way
+ to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but
+ unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out
+ of bed today.
+%
+Lie, n.:
+ A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
+ discovered to date.
+%
+Lieberman's Law:
+ Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
+%
+Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys!
+ -- Ma Barker
+%
+LIFE:
+ A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
+%
+LIFE:
+ Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
+%
+LIFE:
+ That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
+%
+Life -- Love It or Leave It.
+%
+Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.
+ -- Miss November, 1966
+%
+Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
+ -- Paul Gauguin
+%
+Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
+%
+Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth.
+It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
+%
+Life exists for no known purpose.
+%
+Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society
+being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible
+thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money
+system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex.
+ -- Valerie Solanas
+%
+Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
+environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a
+round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
+%
+Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way
+out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
+ -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
+%
+Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more
+important than something else. If what already is, is more important
+than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what
+isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
+ -- Werner Erhard
+%
+Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
+%
+Life is a glorious cycle of song,
+A medley of extemporania;
+And love is thing that can never go wrong;
+And I am Marie of Roumania.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"
+%
+Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
+ -- Helen Keller
+%
+Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
+%
+Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to
+change his bed.
+ -- Charles Baudelaire
+%
+Life is a series of rude awakenings.
+ -- R. V. Winkle
+%
+Life is a serious burden, which no thinking,
+humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality.
+%
+Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
+%
+Life is an exciting business, and most
+exciting when it is lived for others.
+%
+Life is both difficult and time consuming.
+%
+Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
+%
+Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
+%
+Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
+%
+Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
+%
+Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
+%
+Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
+%
+Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
+ -- C. Schultz
+%
+Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
+eat it nevertheless.
+ -- Flaubert
+%
+Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
+%
+Life is like a diaper - short and loaded.
+%
+Life is like a sewer.
+What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Life is like a simile.
+%
+Life is like a tin of sardines.
+We're, all of us, looking for the key.
+ -- Beyond the Fringe
+%
+Life is like an analogy.
+%
+Life is like an egg stain on your chin --
+you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
+%
+Life is like an onion: you peel it off
+one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
+ -- Carl Sandburg
+%
+Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after
+layer and then you find there is nothing in it.
+ -- James Huneker
+%
+Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
+going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
+being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
+%
+Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're
+the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
+%
+Life is not for everyone.
+%
+Life is one long struggle in the dark.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+Life is the childhood of our immortality.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Life is the living you do,
+Death is the living you don't do.
+ -- Joseph Pintauro
+%
+Life is the urge to ecstasy.
+%
+Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
+%
+Life is too important to take seriously.
+ -- Corky Siegel
+%
+Life is too short to be taken seriously.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
+ -- Storm Jameson
+%
+Life is wasted on the living.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe"
+%
+Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
+ -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
+%
+Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
+ -- Don Reed
+%
+Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.
+ -- Marvin, from
+ Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Life may have no meaning, or, even worse,
+it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
+%
+Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
+Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
+ -- Dag Hammarskjold
+%
+Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
+of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but
+rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
+and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!!
+%
+Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
+certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and
+I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
+afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have
+absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
+embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).
+%
+Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.
+ -- Thomas J. Kopp
+%
+Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility.
+ -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
+%
+Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.
+ -- Sanka Ad
+%
+Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
+weren't for other people.
+ -- Blore
+%
+Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
+ -- Dave Olson
+%
+Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
+%
+Lift every voice and sing
+Till earth and heaven ring,
+Ring with the harmonies of Liberty;
+Let our rejoicing rise
+High as the listening skies,
+Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
+
+Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us.
+Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us.
+Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
+Let us march on till victory is won.
+ -- James Weldon Johnson
+%
+Lighten up, while you still can,
+Don't even try to understand,
+Just find a place to make your stand,
+And take it easy.
+ -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
+%
+LIGHTHOUSE:
+ A tall building on the seashore in which the government
+ maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
+%
+LIKE:
+ When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
+%
+Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate
+the difference between one young woman and another.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
+%
+Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek,
+shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm
+as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like
+bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood;
+she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a
+man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the
+right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
+ -- Rachel Sheeley, winner
+
+The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never
+see her little dog Pritzi again.
+ -- Claudia Fields, runner-up
+
+It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a
+tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it
+was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
+ -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
+
+Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is
+named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy
+night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the
+worst possible novel.
+%
+Like corn in a field I cut you down,
+I threw the last punch way too hard,
+After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
+To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
+And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
+I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
+And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
+And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
+I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
+ And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
+ I'm as low as a paid assassin is
+ You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
+ I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
+ You know I can't think straight no more
+ You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
+ a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
+ -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
+%
+Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille
+weren't so damned great!
+ -- Armistead Maupin
+%
+Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know,
+if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not
+now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
+like the Rolling Stones?
+ -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
+ attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)
+%
+Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
+It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
+over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
+His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the
+other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
+religions.
+ -- Benjamin Spock
+%
+Like punning, programming is a play on words.
+%
+Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct
+a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
+for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
+ -- Alan McKay
+%
+Like the time I ran away...
+And turned around and you were standing close to me.
+ -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken"
+%
+Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
+%
+Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
+creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
+essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
+the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
+rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
+ -- Senior Year Quote
+%
+Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
+place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
+
+ Q -- Is there life after death?
+ A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
+Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
+then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
+fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
+spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
+headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
+to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
+guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
+as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions,
+wins few friends, Germans excepted.
+ -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
+%
+Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
+Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
+
+Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
+Kennedy in November 1960.
+
+Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
+the theatre.
+Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
+to Dallas.
+
+Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
+Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
+
+Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
+Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
+
+The first Johnson was born in 1808.
+The second Johnson was born in 1908.
+
+ -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001
+%
+Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
+%
+"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!"
+Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged.
+
+Until he died, and so reached that vicinity:
+in it he found that the damned things diverged.
+ -- Piet Hein
+%
+Linus: Hi! I thought it was you.
+ I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great!
+Snoopy: That's nice to know.
+ The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
+%
+Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.
+ Maybe we should think only about today.
+Charlie Brown:
+ No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday
+ will get better.
+%
+Linus' Law:
+ There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
+%
+Lions in the street and roaming,
+Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming,
+A beast caged in the heart of the city.
+The body of his mother lying in the summer ground,
+He fled the town.
+Went down south across the border,
+Left the chaos and disorder
+Back there, over his shoulder.
+One morning he awoke in a green hotel,
+A strange creature groaning beside him.
+Sweat oozed from its shiny skin.
+Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin.
+ -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard"
+%
+LISP:
+ To call a spade a thpade.
+%
+Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
+Lisp Machine is Fun.
+Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine,
+Fun for everyone.
+%
+Lisp Users:
+Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
+%
+Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
+the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
+but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
+right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem.
+But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
+bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
+This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
+their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
+that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
+just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
+a panacea so alleged.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the
+ government been lacking in courage and boldness in
+ facing up to the recession?"
+%
+Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life
+is the other way round.
+ -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
+%
+Littering is dumb.
+ -- Ronald Macdonald
+%
+Little Fly,
+Thy summer's play If thought is life
+My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
+Has brush'd away. And the want
+ Of thought is death,
+Am not I
+A fly like thee? Then am I
+Or art not thou A happy fly
+A man like me? If I live
+ Or if I die.
+
+For I dance
+And drink & sing,
+Till some blind hand
+Shall brush my wing.
+ -- William Blake, "The Fly"
+%
+Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
+sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
+%
+Little Known Facts, #23:
+ Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
+ the BMW repair garage?
+%
+Little Mary on the ice,
+Went out to have a frisk,
+Now wasn't little Mary nice,
+Her pretty *?
+%
+Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!
+ -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
+%
+Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
+ -- James Dean
+%
+Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
+%
+Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
+%
+Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
+published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when
+you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
+ -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
+%
+Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola.
+What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits.
+%
+Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.
+What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes.
+%
+Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.
+ -- Candice Bergen
+%
+Living in New York City gives people real incentives
+to want things that nobody else wants.
+ -- Andy Warhol
+%
+Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat
+like having bees live in your head. But, there they are.
+%
+Living on Earth may be expensive, but it
+includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
+%
+LIVING YOUR LIFE:
+ A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
+%
+Lizzie Borden took an axe,
+And plunged it deep into the VAX;
+Don't you envy people who
+Do all the things _\bY_\bO_\bU want to do?
+%
+Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
+interest rates, we don't need it."
+%
+Lobster:
+ Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish
+ about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper
+ method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
+ guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're
+ cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on
+ the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the
+ lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty
+ eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then
+ flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will
+ refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will
+ squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.
+ Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly
+ you and your friends will be, too.
+ -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances
+ and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies
+%
+Lockwood's Long Shot:
+ The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street
+ aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
+%
+Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
+ -- Marvin Minsky
+%
+Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_\ba_\bw_\bf_\bu_\bl*.
+%
+Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
+%
+Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
+%
+Logicians have but ill defined
+As rational the human kind.
+Logic, they say, belongs to man,
+But let them prove it if they can.
+ -- Oliver Goldsmith
+%
+LOGO for the Dead
+
+LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
+"The Other Side."
+
+The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
+turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
+graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
+side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
+your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
+interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
+lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
+Bulletin Board System).
+
+LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
+from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
+ -- '80 Microcomputing
+%
+Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
+%
+Lonely is a man without love.
+ -- Engelbert Humperdinck
+%
+Lonely men seek companionship.
+Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
+%
+Lonesome?
+
+Like a change?
+Like a new job?
+Like excitement?
+Like to meet new and interesting people?
+
+JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
+%
+Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
+be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
+The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
+%
+Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
+%
+Long life is in store for you.
+%
+Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and
+long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his
+pain and his aloneness without regret?
+ -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
+%
+Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
+%
+Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
+%
+Look at it this way:
+Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
+home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.
+And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
+%
+Look at it this way:
+Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
+forget $26,000 of college education.
+And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
+%
+Look before you leap.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Look ere ye leap.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Look out! Behind you!\a\a\a
+%
+Look up and not down, look forward and not back, look out and not in,
+and lend a hand.
+ -- Edward Everett Hale, "Lowell Institute Lectures" (1869)
+%
+Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
+to pay income taxes, too?
+ -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
+%
+Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
+con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this
+country was built.
+ -- Hubert Allen
+%
+Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...
+ -- Stephen Sondheim
+%
+Loose bits sink chips.
+%
+Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
+ -- Charles D'Hericault
+%
+Lord, what fools these mortals be!
+ -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
+%
+Losing your drivers' license is just
+God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
+%
+Lost: gray and white female cat.
+Answers to electric can opener.
+%
+Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
+%
+Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
+%
+Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
+ -- Frank Hubbard
+%
+Lots of girls can be had for a song.
+Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
+%
+Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in
+Halstead, Kansas.
+%
+Louie Louie, me gotta go
+Louie Louie, me gotta go
+
+Fine little girl she waits for me
+Me catch the ship for cross the sea
+Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea
+Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly
+(chorus) On the ship I dream she there
+ I smell the rose in her hair
+Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo)
+It won't be long, me see my love
+I take her in my arms and then
+Me tell her I never leave again
+ -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
+%
+LOVE:
+ I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
+%
+LOVE:
+ Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
+%
+LOVE:
+ When, if asked to choose between your lover
+ and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
+%
+LOVE:
+ When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
+%
+LOVE:
+ When you don't want someone too close--
+ because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
+%
+LOVE:
+ When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
+%
+Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.
+%
+Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
+%
+Love America - or give it back.
+%
+Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
+%
+Love at first sight is one of the greatest
+labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
+%
+Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
+ -- Sigmund Freud
+%
+Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
+Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
+ -- Oscar Hammerstein II
+%
+Love is a grave mental disease.
+ -- Plato
+%
+Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell.
+ -- Matt Groening
+%
+Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
+over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come.
+ -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
+%
+Love is a word that is constantly heard,
+Hate is a word that is not.
+Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
+Love, I have read, is hot.
+But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
+And Love but a drug on the mart.
+Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
+But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
+go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
+arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
+%
+Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real
+with the ideal never goes unpunished.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
+ -- Dr. Karl Bowman
+%
+Love is being stupid together.
+ -- Paul Valery
+%
+Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed
+around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a
+Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself.
+%
+Love is in the offing.
+ -- The Homicidal Maniac
+%
+Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
+%
+Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very
+pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love
+grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning
+and unquenchable.
+ -- Bruce Lee
+%
+Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
+ -- Jerome K. Jerome
+%
+Love is never asking why?
+%
+Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
+%
+Love is sentimental measles.
+%
+Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
+%
+Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
+raises some pretty good questions.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
+pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
+ -- Charles Baudelaire
+%
+Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
+ -- M. Hirschfield
+%
+Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Love IS what it's cracked up to be.
+%
+Love is what you've been through with somebody.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid.
+%
+Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.
+ -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
+%
+Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular
+momentum.
+%
+Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.
+ -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
+%
+Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
+%
+Love means never having to say you're sorry.
+ -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"
+
+That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
+ -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
+%
+Love means nothing to a tennis player.
+%
+Love tells us many things that are not so.
+ -- Krainian proverb
+%
+Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
+%
+Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
+ -- Louise Beal
+%
+Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
+%
+Love to eat them mousies,
+Mousies I love to eat.
+Bite they little heads off,
+Nibble at they tiny feet.
+ -- Kliban
+%
+Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
+ seized this one for the fair form
+ that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
+Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
+ seized me so strongly with delight in him,
+ that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
+Love brought us to one death.
+ -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
+%
+Love your enemies: they'll go crazy
+trying to figure out what you're up to.
+%
+Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Lowery's Law:
+ If it jams -- force it. If it
+ breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
+%
+LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
+%
+Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
+ There's always one more bug.
+%
+Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable
+British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The
+Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture
+nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British
+don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm
+beer because they have Lucas refrigerators.
+%
+Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
+ -- Russell Banks
+%
+Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.
+ -- P. E. Trudeau
+%
+Lucky, adj.:
+ When you have a wife and a cigarette
+ lighter -- both of which work.
+%
+Lucky is he for whom the belle toils.
+%
+Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do.
+ Can't you be serious for once?
+Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think
+ of the more important things in life!
+ (pause)
+ Tomorrow!!
+%
+Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
+ -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
+%
+Lunatic Asylum, n.:
+ The place where optimism most flourishes.
+%
+Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.
+ -- Bergan Evans
+%
+Lysistrata had a good idea.
+%
+Ma Bell is a mean mother!
+%
+MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that.
+%
+Machine-Independent, adj.:
+ Does not run on any existing machine.
+%
+Machine-independent program:
+ A program that will not run on any machine.
+%
+Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
+and play games -- but not with pleasure.
+ -- Leo Rosten
+%
+Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine.
+ -- Andy Warhol
+%
+Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
+repairman arrives.
+%
+Macho does not prove mucho.
+ -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
+%
+Mad, adj.:
+ Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child --
+if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Madison's Inquiry:
+ If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
+%
+Madness takes its toll.
+%
+MAFIA, n.:
+ [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance
+Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore
+subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is
+rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy
+reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP
+operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that
+MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped
+variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex
+security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a
+more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an
+imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES
+options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay.
+Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a
+powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and
+entire nodal aggravations.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+Magary's Principle:
+ When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any
+ government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do
+ the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
+%
+Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic.
+%
+Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
+
+Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
+
+The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
+of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
+with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
+knowledge.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Magnocartic, adj.:
+ Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
+ carts.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Magpie, n.:
+ A bird whose thievish disposition suggested
+ to someone that it might be taught to talk.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+MAIDEN AUNT:
+ A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
+%
+Maiden, n.:
+ A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
+ views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical
+ distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
+ The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
+ piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
+ comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
+ the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
+ canary -- which, also, is more portable.
+
+Male, n.:
+ A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the
+ human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus
+ has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Maier's Law:
+ If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
+ -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960
+
+Corollaries:
+ 1. The bigger the theory, the better.
+ 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
+ 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
+ obtain a correspondence with the theory.
+%
+Main's Law:
+ For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
+%
+Maintainer's Motto:
+ If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
+%
+Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward!
+Seagoon: Only in the holiday season.
+Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward!
+%
+Major premise:
+ Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
+Minor premise:
+ A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
+Conclusion:
+ Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
+
+Secondary Conclusion:
+ Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
+ would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
+%
+Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
+ as one man.
+
+Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
+
+Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
+ -- Robert Moses
+%
+Majority, n.:
+ That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
+%
+Make a wish, it might come true.
+%
+Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
+%
+Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
+%
+Make it right before you make it faster.
+%
+Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.
+ -- Daniel Hudson Burnham
+%
+Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
+%
+Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
+%
+Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
+tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It has
+been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is the
+message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
+ -- System V.2 administrator's guide
+%
+Malek's Law:
+ Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
+%
+MALPRACTICE:
+ The reason surgeons wear masks.
+%
+Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good
+ joke?"
+
+Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
+
+Man 1: _\bT_\bI_\bM_\bI_\bN_\bG!
+%
+Man and wife make one fool.
+%
+Man belongs wherever he wants to go.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because
+he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while
+all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
+time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were
+far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
+%
+Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Man is a military animal,
+Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
+ -- P. J. Bailey
+%
+Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
+to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
+no dog exchanges bones with another.
+ -- Adam Smith
+%
+Man is by nature a political animal.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...
+and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Man is the measure of all things.
+ -- Protagoras
+%
+Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms
+with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
+ -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
+%
+Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps;
+for he is the only animal that is struck with the
+difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
+ -- William Hazlitt
+%
+Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.
+ -- Arthur R. Miller
+%
+Man, n.:
+ An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
+ he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
+ occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
+ species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity
+ as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Man proposes, God disposes.
+ -- Thomas a Kempis
+%
+Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
+is an enemy.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Man who arrives at party two hours late
+will find he has been beaten to the punch.
+%
+Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
+%
+Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
+%
+Man who sleep in beer keg wake up stickey.
+%
+Man will never fly.
+Space travel is merely a dream.
+All aspirin is alike.
+%
+Management: How many feet do mice have?
+Reply: Mice have four feet.
+M: Elaborate!
+R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
+M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
+R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
+M: What? Feet with no legs?
+R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
+M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
+R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
+M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
+R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
+ is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
+ is not equipped with a foot.
+M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
+R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
+ one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
+ constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
+M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
+R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
+ integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
+ attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
+ ornamental in nature.
+M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
+R: Mice have four feet.
+%
+MANAGEMENT:
+ The art of getting other people to do all the work.
+%
+MANAGER:
+ A man known for giving great meeting.
+%
+Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
+Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
+ don't think, right?"
+ -- "Doctor Who"
+%
+Man-hour, n.:
+ A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
+%
+Manic-depressive, n.:
+ Easy glum, easy glow.
+%
+Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts.
+ -- Plotinus
+%
+Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
+dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
+man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
+air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
+primitive umpire.
+
+What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
+mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
+%
+Manly's Maxim:
+ Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
+ with confidence.
+%
+Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
+%
+Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
+%
+Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual
+conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.
+ -- Sydney J. Harris
+%
+Manual, n.:
+ A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given
+ item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information
+ you need is in the others.
+ -- Ray Simard
+%
+Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.
+ -- George M. Cohan
+%
+Many a family tree needs trimming.
+%
+Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It
+is not so. It is so. It is not so.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack"
+%
+Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will
+get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne
+%
+Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer
+can easily support two or more.
+%
+Many a writer seems to think he is never profound
+except when he can't understand his own meaning.
+ -- George D. Prentice
+%
+Many are called, few are chosen.
+Fewer still get to do the choosing.
+%
+Many are called, few volunteer.
+%
+Many are cold, but few are frozen.
+%
+Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
+%
+Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a
+certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the
+devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of
+their data processing systems.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
+weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
+weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
+but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
+he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
+ -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
+%
+Many hands make light work.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
+%
+Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance,
+the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their
+fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the
+Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally
+read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time
+by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They
+are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers
+successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations
+should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still,
+while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether.
+ -- Francis Galton, 1909
+%
+Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing
+tricks on me and treating me badly.
+ -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
+%
+Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their
+life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.
+ -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
+%
+Many pages make a thick book.
+%
+Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
+thin paper.
+%
+Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice
+which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
+%
+Many people are secretly interested in life.
+%
+Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
+%
+Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
+%
+Many people feel that if you won't let
+them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
+%
+Many people feel that they deserve some kind of
+recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
+%
+Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
+%
+Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
+%
+Many receive advice, few profit by it.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon,
+there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
+was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
+completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Margaret, are you grieving
+Over Goldengrove unleaving?
+Leaves, like the things of man,
+You, with your fresh thoughts
+Care for, can you?
+Ah! as the heart grows older
+It will come to such sights colder
+By and by, nor spare a sigh
+Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
+And yet you will weep and know why.
+Now no matter, child, the name
+Sorrow's springs are the same:
+It is the blight man was born for,
+It is Margaret you mourn for.
+ -- Gerard Manley Hopkins
+%
+Marigold: Jealousy
+Mint: Virute
+Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness
+Orchid: Beauty, magnificence
+Pansy: Thoughts
+Peach blossom: I am your captive
+Petunia: Your presence soothes me
+Poppy: Sleep
+Rose, any color: Love
+Rose, deep red: Bashful shame
+Rose, single, pink: Simplicity
+Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
+Rose, white: I am worthy of you
+Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
+Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
+Rosemary: Remembrance
+Sunflower: Haughtiness
+Tulip, red: Declaration of love
+Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
+Violet, blue: Faithfulness
+Violet, white: Modesty
+Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends
+ * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
+%
+Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!".
+%
+Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students
+who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize
+it in order to protect themselves.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
+ Dentists are incapable of asking questions
+ that require a simple yes or no answer.
+%
+MARRIAGE:
+ An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
+ in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
+ that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
+%
+MARRIAGE:
+ Convertible bonds.
+%
+Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of
+insincerity possible between two human beings.
+ -- Vicki Baum
+%
+Marriage causes dating problems.
+%
+Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
+ -- Edmond About
+%
+Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
+%
+Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm
+not ready for an institution yet.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be
+surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
+ -- James Garner
+%
+Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
+%
+Marriage is a three ring circus:
+engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
+ -- Roger Price
+%
+Marriage is an institution in which two undertake
+to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
+%
+Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer
+exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work
+in the brewery.
+ -- George Jean Nathan
+%
+Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
+%
+Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with
+chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.
+%
+Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
+ -- Baskins
+%
+Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the
+burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place.
+ -- Calvin Trillin
+%
+Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Marriage is the process of finding out what
+kind of man your wife would have preferred.
+%
+Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
+%
+Marriage, n.:
+ The evil aye.
+%
+Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.
+ -- John Lyly
+%
+Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
+%
+MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives
+connected by a thin strand.
+
+Come on, Marta, grow up.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
+of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
+territory from invasion by another group."
+
+"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it?
+Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.
+ -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
+%
+'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me!
+What a finely tuned response to the situation!
+%
+Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
+and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
+Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
+grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
+ "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
+named a drink Fred?"
+%
+Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth:
+ Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
+%
+Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow,
+And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
+It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail.
+It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail.
+She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels,
+And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals.
+It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended.
+The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended.
+The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat,
+Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat.
+Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her.
+So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer.
+ -- Alma Garcia
+%
+Maryann's Law:
+ You can always find what you're not looking for.
+%
+Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
+the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
+dancing.
+ -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
+%
+Maslow's Maxim:
+ If the only tool you have is a hammer,
+ you treat everything like a nail.
+%
+Mason's First Law of Synergism:
+The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
+%
+Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
+%
+Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The
+price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute.
+ -- Thomas Scoville
+%
+Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
+ -- Christopher Hampton
+%
+Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+Mater artium necessitas.
+ [Necessity is the mother of invention].
+%
+Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
+ -- Malcolm Smith
+%
+MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
+ Please, don't drink and derive.
+
+ Mathematicians
+ Against
+ Drunk
+ Deriving
+%
+Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
+ -- R. Drabek
+%
+Mathematician, n.:
+ Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's.
+%
+Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate
+into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
+described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
+play.
+ -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
+ James Blish
+%
+Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.
+ -- Henry Adams
+%
+Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
+to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
+one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
+ -- Russell
+%
+Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty --
+a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any
+part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music,
+yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the
+greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense
+of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is
+to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Matrimony is the root of all evil.
+%
+Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
+%
+Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
+nor can it be returned without a receipt.
+%
+Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
+%
+[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment
+where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand
+more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
+ -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
+%
+Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
+ -- Jules Feiffer
+%
+Matz's Law:
+ A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
+%
+May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard
+versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
+%
+May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
+%
+May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your
+Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted.
+ -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com
+%
+May all your PUSHes be POPped.
+%
+May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
+%
+May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
+%
+May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
+%
+May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
+%
+May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may
+God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may
+he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
+%
+May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
+%
+May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
+%
+May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
+%
+May you have warm words on a cold evening,
+a full moon on a dark night,
+and a smooth road all the way to your door.
+%
+May you live in uninteresting times.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+May your camel be as swift as the wind.
+%
+May your SO always know when you need a hug.
+%
+May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your
+Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
+%
+Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that
+lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
+ -- R. S. Barton
+%
+Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the
+earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes.
+%
+Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each
+other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone
+had to seek professional help.
+%
+Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
+these days you can certainly charge it.
+%
+May's Law:
+ The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
+ of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
+%
+McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
+%
+McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance:
+ When traveling with a herd of elephants,
+ don't be the first to lie down and rest.
+%
+Meader's Law:
+ Whatever happens to you, it will previously
+ have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
+%
+Meade's Maxim:
+Always remember that you are absolutely unique,
+just like everyone else.
+%
+Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
+Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
+[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
+AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
+[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
+Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
+Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
+Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
+Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
+Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
+Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
+Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
+"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
+Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
+Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
+Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
+Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
+Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
+%
+Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
+has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
+moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
+magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to
+have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
+get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
+of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful
+oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
+hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
+venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
+bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
+aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
+arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
+of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
+to mouth...
+%
+Measure twice, cut once.
+%
+Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
+ -- Frederick Crane
+%
+Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
+%
+Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
+%
+Meeting, n.:
+ An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
+ department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
+%
+MEETINGS:
+ A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
+%
+Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
+corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
+in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+MEMO:
+ An interoffice communication too often written more for
+ the benefit of the person who sends it than the person
+ who receives it.
+%
+MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I
+remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
+drive and drive.
+
+I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
+smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
+played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat
+some stuff or not and then I think we went home.
+
+I guess some things never leave you.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+Memory fault -- brain fried
+%
+Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
+%
+Memory fault - where am I?
+%
+Memory should be the starting point of the present.
+%
+Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
+ -- Marilyn Monroe
+%
+Men are superior to women.
+ -- The Koran
+%
+Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
+ -- Jayne Mansfield
+%
+Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
+They're attracted by what I don't mind...
+ -- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+Men freely believe that what they wish to desire.
+ -- Julius Caesar
+%
+Men have a much better time of it than women; for one
+thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Men have as exaggerated an idea of their
+rights as women have of their wrongs.
+ -- Edgar W. Howe
+%
+Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
+%
+Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
+%
+Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
+from religious conviction.
+ -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'\bees", 1670
+%
+Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
+pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.
+ -- Leonardo da Vinci
+%
+Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
+%
+Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
+at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
+%
+Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our
+pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs
+and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious,
+inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us
+sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness
+and acts that are contrary to habit...
+ -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease"
+%
+Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
+ -- DeSegur
+%
+Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
+%
+Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
+%
+Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.
+ -- Napoleon Bonaparte
+%
+Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings,
+and speech only to conceal their thoughts.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
+from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
+Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split
+before. Thus was the Empire forged.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Men who cherish for women the highest
+respect are seldom popular with them.
+ -- Joseph Addison
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
+ The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
+ The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
+ cork makes when it is popped.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
+ All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
+ Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
+ is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
+ can never hope to acquire it.
+%
+Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.
+%
+Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
+corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
+favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
+ -- Piers Anthony
+%
+Mental things which have not gone in through the
+senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental.
+ -- Leonardo
+%
+Menu, n.:
+ A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
+%
+Meskimen's Law:
+ There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
+ do it over.
+%
+MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
+%
+Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
+%
+Message will arrive in the mail.
+Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
+%
+METEOROLOGIST:
+ One who doubts the established fact that it is
+ bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
+%
+Metermaids eat their young.
+%
+methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
+ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
+phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
+taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
+glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
+nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
+minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
+cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
+leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
+cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
+lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
+sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
+cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
+nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
+nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
+partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
+glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
+valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
+cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
+nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
+rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
+glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
+sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
+lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
+glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
+ The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
+ 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
+ -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
+ Preposterous Words
+%
+Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
+%
+MICRO:
+ Thinker toys.
+%
+Micro Credo:
+ Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
+%
+Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
+%
+Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
+watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.
+%
+Microwaves frizz your heir.
+%
+Mieux vaut tard que jamais!
+%
+Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to
+get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
+ -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942)
+%
+Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
+Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
+ inconsiderate."
+ -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
+%
+Miksch's Law:
+ If a string has one end, then it has another end.
+%
+Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.
+%
+Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Miller's Slogan:
+ Lose a few, lose a few.
+%
+Millihelen, adj.:
+ The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
+%
+Millions long for immortality who do not know what
+to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
+ -- Susan Ertz
+%
+Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
+almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
+they say. "I will not vote." Having abstained, they are presented with a
+President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
+lives for the next four years. Consider all the people who sat home in a
+stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey. They showed Humphrey.
+Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
+Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
+the gold and the black.
+ -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
+%
+Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
+particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself,
+to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
+But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
+shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit
+me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
+%
+Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
+%
+Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
+%
+Minicomputer:
+ A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level
+ manager.
+%
+Minnesota --
+ home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
+ mosquito supplier to the free world.
+ come fall in love with a loon.
+ where visitors turn blue with envy.
+ one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
+ land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
+ where the elite meet sleet.
+ glove it or leave it.
+ many are cold, but few are frozen.
+ land of the ski and home of the crazed.
+ land of 10,000 Petersons.
+%
+Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
+%
+Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
+pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
+%
+MIPS:
+ Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
+%
+Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
+ -- Jean Cocteau
+%
+Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
+%
+Misery no longer loves company.
+Nowadays it insists on it.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+Misfortune, n.:
+ The kind of fortune that never misses.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
+%
+Miss, n.:
+ A title with which we brand unmarried
+ women to indicate that they are in the market.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Mistakeholder, n.:
+ A person who depends on accidental features or
+ implementation errors and so now has a vested
+ interest in keeping things from being fixed.
+ -- Chip Morningstar
+%
+Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
+%
+Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
+%
+MIT:
+ The Georgia Tech of the North
+%
+Mitchell's Law of Committees:
+ Any simple problem can be made insoluble
+ if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
+%
+Mittsquinter, adj.:
+ A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball,
+ as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans;
+it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.
+ -- Horace
+%
+Mixed emotions:
+ Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff.
+ With five empty seats.
+%
+Mix's Law:
+ There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
+ There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
+%
+MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
+
+ Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
+2 cups water 2 cups sugar
+2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
+ Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
+ Cinnamon
+
+Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
+RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
+and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
+juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
+with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
+crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
+steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
+is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
+ -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
+%
+Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.
+ -- P. J. Denning
+%
+Modem, adj.:
+ Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
+ unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
+%
+Moderation in all things.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
+%
+Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
+themselves that they have a better idea.
+ -- John Ciardi
+%
+Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
+%
+Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural
+function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the
+other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the
+brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise.
+Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite
+conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it
+is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working
+assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it.
+Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot
+logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology.
+ -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior:
+ A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949
+%
+MODESTY:
+ Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
+%
+Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
+ -- J. K. Galbraith
+%
+Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
+ not to be aware of it.
+ -- Oliver Herford
+%
+Moe: Wanna play poker tonight?
+Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out.
+Moe: So?
+Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse.
+%
+Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day?
+Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
+%
+Moebius always does it on the same side.
+%
+Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
+%
+Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him
+how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week.
+The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
+%
+Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet
+in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a
+hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of
+the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane,
+but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him.
+So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all
+over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe,
+the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in
+the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he
+awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally
+woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion.
+ "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously.
+%
+Molecule, n.:
+ The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from
+ the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
+ closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
+ of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and
+ the atom in that it is an ion...
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
+ If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review
+ and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
+%
+MOMENTUM:
+ What you give a person when they are going away.
+%
+Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
+%
+Mom's Law:
+ When they finally do have to take you to the
+ hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new.
+%
+Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
+%
+Monday, n.:
+ In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Monday, n.:
+ In Christian countries, the day after the football game.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two
+things we have.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
+%
+Money cannot buy
+The fuel of love
+but is excellent kindling.
+
+To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
+Is a keen observer of life,
+The word intellectual suggests right away
+A man who's untrue to his wife.
+ -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems"
+%
+Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you
+awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.
+ -- C. B. Luce
+%
+Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+Money doesn't talk, it swears.
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
+%
+Money is its own reward.
+%
+Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
+%
+Money is the root of all wealth.
+%
+Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.
+ -- Sir Edmond Stockdale
+%
+Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
+%
+Money may not buy happiness, but it sure
+puts you in a great bargaining position.
+%
+Money will say more in one moment than
+the most eloquent lover can in years.
+%
+Moneyliness is next to Godliness.
+ -- Andries van Dam
+%
+Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.
+ -- H. H. Munro
+%
+MONOTONY:
+ Marriage to one woman at a time.
+%
+MONTANA:
+ A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
+%
+MONTANA:
+ Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
+%
+Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place
+in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling
+of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.
+ -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
+%
+Moon, n.:
+ 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
+hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
+%
+Moore's Constant:
+ Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
+ does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
+%
+Mophobia, n.:
+ Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
+%
+More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
+ -- Vauvenargues
+%
+More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
+necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
+blind stupidity.
+ -- W. A. Wulf
+%
+More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.
+ -- R. S. Surtees
+%
+More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
+%
+More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
+%
+MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
+The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
+night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
+waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
+the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was
+broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
+the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
+At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
+full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials.
+%
+More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path
+leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
+Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
+%
+Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
+religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
+One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
+man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
+just once?"
+ The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris,
+nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
+I just want to win one little lottery."
+ "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
+least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
+%
+Morton's Law:
+ If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
+%
+Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more
+wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types...
+ -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
+%
+Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
+ Don't worry if it doesn't work right.
+ If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
+%
+MOSQUITO:
+ The state bird of New Jersey.
+%
+Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
+%
+Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
+because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
+and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
+eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
+and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
+female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
+dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
+by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
+truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
+them that it doesn't make any difference.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+ Teen Should Know"
+%
+Most folks they like the daytime,
+ 'cause they like to see the shining sun.
+They're up in the morning,
+ off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
+But when the sun goes down,
+ and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
+
+Now there are two sides to this great big world,
+ and one of them is always night.
+If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
+ I guess you're gonna be all right.
+Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
+ My eyes just can't stand the light.
+
+'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
+ -- Carly Simon
+%
+Most general statements are false, including this one.
+ -- Alexander Dumas
+%
+Most of our lives are about proving something,
+either to ourselves or to someone else.
+%
+Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking
+difficulties before we get to them.
+ -- Dr. Frank Crane
+%
+...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably
+useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends,
+hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute
+and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of
+lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from
+which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not
+speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women
+of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution
+has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love.
+ -- Alix Kates Shulman
+%
+Most of your faults are not your fault.
+%
+Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
+%
+Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and
+they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment
+to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the
+moon.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
+%
+Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
+than they do.
+ -- Turgenev
+%
+Most people deserve each other.
+ -- Shirley
+%
+Most people don't need a great deal of love
+nearly so much as they need a steady supply.
+%
+Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.
+ -- Edgar W. Howe
+%
+Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
+%
+Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained
+only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
+quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
+%
+Most people have two reasons for doing anything --
+a good reason, and the real reason.
+%
+Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are,
+at best, reformed or potential lunatics.
+ -- Susan Sontag
+%
+Most people need some of their problems
+to help take their mind off some of the others.
+%
+Most people prefer certainty to truth.
+%
+Most people want either less corruption
+or more of a chance to participate in it.
+%
+Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands,
+if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
+%
+Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.
+%
+Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
+%
+Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
+can't talk for people who can't read.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over.
+%
+Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
+ -- Richard Lewis
+%
+MOTHER:
+ Half a word.
+%
+Mother Earth is not flat!
+%
+Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
+ -- Arnold Bennett
+%
+Mother is the invention of necessity.
+%
+Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
+would be so many.
+%
+Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
+%
+Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they
+don't want them to become politicians in the process.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense)
+Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense.
+ -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger"
+%
+Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
+%
+MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
+%
+Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal
+of the day.
+%
+Mr. Cole's Axiom:
+ The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
+ population is growing.
+%
+Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from
+the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's
+shirts but they're going back.
+%
+Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could
+you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it!
+%
+Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your
+renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but
+at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
+%
+Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
+Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free
+lessons or what?
+%
+Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent.
+When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was
+wrong, "Up to a point."
+ "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan?
+Yokohama isn't it?"
+ "Up to a point, Lord Copper."
+ "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?"
+ "Definitely, Lord Copper."
+ -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop"
+%
+MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
+ -- Henry Spencer
+%
+Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
+consultants, and at some point you time them out.
+ -- Craig Partridge
+%
+Much of the excitement we get out of our work
+is that we don't really know what we are doing.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
+He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
+"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should
+ be shared."
+But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more:
+First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes...
+"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
+But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong...
+"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that
+ with prawns,
+Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
+But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung,
+His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot,
+And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
+His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..."
+And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen.
+and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
+None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
+%
+Multics is security spelled sideways.
+%
+"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,
+365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365". He [ten-year-old Truman Henry
+Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
+tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
+smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
+than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
+An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
+as much fun to watch.
+ -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
+%
+MUMMY:
+ An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
+%
+Mummy dust to make me old;
+To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
+To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
+To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
+A blast of wind to fan my hate;
+A thunderbolt to mix it well --
+Now begin thy magic spell!
+ -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White"
+%
+Mum's the word.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.
+ -- Xaviera Hollander
+
+[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
+%
+Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot
+talk about after dinner.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
+%
+Murphy was an optimist.
+%
+Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
+%
+Murphy's Law of Research:
+ Enough research will tend to support your theory.
+%
+Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.
+ -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
+%
+Murphy's Laws:
+ (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
+ (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
+ (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
+%
+Murray's Rule:
+ Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
+%
+Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
+%
+Must I hold a candle to my shames?
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+Mustgo, n.:
+ Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
+ long it has become a science project.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
+ -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
+%
+My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
+ But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
+Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
+ To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
+'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.
+
+And you know two heads are better than one.
+%
+My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
+threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
+First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
+frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
+the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
+forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
+perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
+the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
+crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
+symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
+in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
+really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
+OK.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
+%
+My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
+
+Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if
+they can tell one end of a gun from the other?
+%
+My Bonnie looked into a gas tank,
+The height of its contents to see!
+She lit a small match to assist her,
+Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.
+%
+My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
+to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well,
+only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
+a bulls-eye on the back.
+
+I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them
+said, "So will you."
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+My brain is my second favorite organ.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
+of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want
+It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures,
+ and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits.
+It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating
+ decimal points for the sake of precision.
+Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes,
+ I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me.
+It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an
+ arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers.
+It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are
+ over.
+Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my
+ life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever.
+%
+My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty
+nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and,
+instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at
+a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at
+the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which
+turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain
+that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were
+just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+"My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack"
+ -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs
+%
+My cup hath runneth'd over with love.
+%
+My darling wife was always glum.
+I drowned her in a cask of rum,
+And so made sure that she would stay
+In better spirits night and day.
+%
+My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
+Unless there are three other people.
+ -- Orson Welles
+%
+My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
+%
+My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
+beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much
+is going on.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
+ -- Iphicrates
+%
+My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose
+your ignorance; you cannot replace it."
+ -- Erich Maria Remarque
+%
+My father taught me three things:
+ 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water.
+ 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight.
+ 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
+%
+My father was a God-fearing man, but he never
+missed a copy of the New York Times, either.
+ -- E. B. White
+%
+My father was a saint, I'm not.
+ -- Indira Gandhi
+%
+My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
+and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
+ -- Hubert H. Humphrey
+%
+My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh
+Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the
+New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors
+and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can
+somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
+ "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit
+to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
+ -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
+%
+My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower,
+but they were there to meet the boat.
+%
+My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
+later I can ask him what he meant.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse,
+but always, always, he was right.
+%
+My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First
+she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go
+back and dig her up.
+%
+My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
+as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
+mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
+I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it
+would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
+%
+My, how you've changed since I've changed.
+%
+My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
+%
+My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
+%
+My interest is in the future because I am
+going to spend the rest of my life there.
+%
+My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?
+ -- MadameX
+%
+My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
+ And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
+The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
+ And the skies are sunlit for him.
+As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
+ As the fragrance of acacia.
+My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
+ And I wish he were in Asia.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, part 2
+%
+My love runs by like a day in June,
+ And he makes no friends of sorrows.
+He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
+ In the pathway or the morrows.
+He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
+ Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
+My own dear love, he is all my heart --
+ And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, part 3
+%
+My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
+thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+My mind can never know my body, although
+it has become quite friendly with my legs.
+ -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
+%
+My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
+ -- Crazy Jimmy
+%
+My mother loved children -- she would
+have given anything if I had been one.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
+"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
+For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant.
+ -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
+%
+My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
+ -- Sue Murphy
+%
+My My, hey hey
+Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten
+It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
+Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust
+My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten
+
+It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my
+They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die
+And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture
+When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye
+And into the black
+ -- Neil Young
+ "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
+%
+My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should
+be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
+%
+My only love sprung from my only hate!
+Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
+%
+My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
+%
+My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+My own dear love, he is strong and bold
+ And he cares not what comes after.
+His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
+ And his eyes are lit with laughter.
+He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
+ Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
+My own dear love, he is all my world --
+ And I wish I'd never met him.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, part 1
+%
+My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am
+perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other
+words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems,
+and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be
+reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent
+to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not
+we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand,
+slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point
+from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now
+would be to deny our history, our capabilities.
+ -- James A. Michener
+%
+My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
+%
+My pen is at the bottom of a page,
+Which, being finished, here the story ends;
+'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
+But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
+ -- Byron
+%
+My philosophy is: Don't think.
+ -- Charles Manson
+%
+My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
+ -- Errol Flynn
+
+Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
+ -- Errol Flynn
+%
+My rackets are run on strictly American
+lines, and they're going to stay that way.
+ -- Al Capone
+%
+My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
+spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
+with our frail and feeble mind.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
+hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
+in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
+character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
+of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
+Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
+dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
+to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
+in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
+-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
+part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop
+right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
+have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
+exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
+reason to limit myself.
+ -- Emo Philips
+%
+My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
+She sells C shells by the seashore.
+%
+My soul is crushed, my spirit sore
+I do not like me anymore,
+I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse,
+I ponder on the narrow house
+I shudder at the thought of men
+I'm due to fall in love again.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope"
+%
+My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
+ -- Christopher Morley
+%
+My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
+ -- George Gobel
+%
+My way of joking is to tell the truth.
+That's the funniest joke in the world.
+ -- Muhammad Ali
+%
+My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
+%
+Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.
+ -- Booth Tarkington
+%
+Mythology, n.:
+ The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
+ early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
+ from the true accounts which it invents later.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
+is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
+returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.
+
+So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:
+
+Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
+ "So, how's your daughter?"
+ "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
+ "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
+ "Yes, that's my Rachel."
+ "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married
+ the doctor?"
+ "Yes, that's her!"
+ "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
+ "Yes, yes!"
+ "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!"
+%
+Nachman's Rule:
+ When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.
+ -- Gerald Nachman
+%
+Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection.
+ -- '76 Olympics
+%
+'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.
+Never odd or even.
+A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
+Madam, I'm Adam.
+Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
+ -- The Mad Palindromist
+%
+NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he
+ says is wrong.
+GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
+ will be right.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
+%
+Narcolepulacyi, n.:
+ The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
+ to also yawn.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant said
+"My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he
+goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal
+it."
+%
+Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
+gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
+only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the
+stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager
+asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
+for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
+he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
+were spoken to.
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
+him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your
+shop?"
+ "Of course."
+ "Have you ever seen me before?"
+ "Never."
+ "Then how do you know it was me?"
+%
+Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
+than the sun."
+ "Why?", he was asked.
+ "Because at night we need the light more."
+%
+Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
+Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from
+his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!
+You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
+%
+National security is in your hands - guard it well.
+%
+Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
+scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
+ -- Mary Ellen Kelly
+%
+Natural laws have no pity.
+%
+Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
+of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
+drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
+or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people
+can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you
+have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
+for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same
+in every country.
+ -- Hermann Goering
+%
+Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation
+of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the
+fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be
+creamed?
+ -- Solomon Short
+%
+Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset.
+ -- Clare Booth Luce
+%
+Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
+God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
+
+It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
+Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
+%
+Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely
+given them little.
+ -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
+%
+Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
+cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be
+tolerated until they acquire some sense.
+ -- William Phelps
+%
+Nature to all things fixed the limits fit,
+And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit.
+As on the land while here the ocean gains,
+In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains;
+Thus in the soul while memory prevails,
+The solid power of understanding fails;
+Where beams of warm imagination play,
+The memory's soft figures melt away.
+ -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?)
+%
+Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+Near the Studio Jean Cocteau
+On the Rue des Ecoles
+lived an old man
+with a blind dog
+Every evening I would see him
+guiding the dog along
+the sidewalk, keeping
+a firm grip on the leash
+so that the dog wouldn't
+run into a passerby
+Sometimes the dog would stop
+and look up at the sky
+Once the old man
+noticed me watching the dog
+and he said, "Oh, yes,
+this one knows
+when the moon is out,
+he can feel it on his face"
+ -- Barry Gifford
+%
+Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you
+want to test a man's character, give him power.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I
+have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.
+ -- Brent Welch
+%
+Necessity has no law.
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+Necessity hath no law.
+ -- Oliver Cromwell
+%
+Necessity is a mother.
+%
+"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity
+is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
+It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
+ -- William Pitt, 1783
+%
+Neckties strangle clear thinking.
+ -- Lin Yutang
+%
+Needs are a function of what other people have.
+%
+Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.
+ -- Napoleon
+%
+Neil Armstrong tripped.
+%
+Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
+%
+Nemo me impune lacessit
+ [No one provokes me with impunity]
+ -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
+%
+Nerd pack, n.:
+ Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling
+ clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be
+ measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling
+ in his pack.
+%
+Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com
+along at once.
+%
+Neuroses are red,
+ Melancholia's blue.
+I'm schizophrenic,
+ What are you?
+%
+Neurotics build castles in the sky,
+Psychotics live in them,
+And psychiatrists collect the rent.
+%
+Neutrinos are into physicists.
+%
+Neutrinos have bad breadth.
+%
+Neutron bomb, n.:
+ An explosive device of limited military value because, as
+ it only destroys people without destroying property, it
+ must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
+%
+Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
+ -- Linda Festa
+%
+Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one.
+Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
+%
+Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
+%
+Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
+%
+Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
+Professionals built the Titanic.
+%
+Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
+%
+Never buy from a rich salesman.
+ -- Goldenstern
+%
+Never buy what you do not want
+because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
+%
+Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
+%
+Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
+%
+Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
+%
+Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools
+are available.
+ -- Niklaus Wirth
+%
+Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
+%
+Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
+with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change
+into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
+window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.)
+%
+Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
+%
+Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc.
+And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
+ -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
+%
+Never eat more than you can lift.
+ -- Miss Piggy
+%
+Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're
+absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
+%
+Never explain. Your friends do not need it
+and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
+ -- Marlo Thomas
+%
+Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
+%
+Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
+%
+Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
+%
+Never give an inch!
+%
+Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
+ -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
+%
+Never have children, only grandchildren.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+Never have so many understood so little about so much.
+ -- James Burke
+%
+Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with a baseball bat.
+%
+Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
+%
+Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
+ -- Billy Rose
+%
+Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+Never kick a man, unless he's down.
+%
+Never laugh at live dragons.
+ -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit"
+%
+Never leave anything to chance;
+make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
+%
+Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Never let someone who says it cannot be done
+interrupt the person who is doing it.
+%
+Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
+%
+Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
+ -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
+%
+Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
+ -- Saint Jerome
+%
+Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
+%
+Never make anything simple and efficient when a
+way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
+%
+Never miss a good chance to shut up.
+%
+Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear
+weapon.
+ -- Former deputy defense minister of India
+%
+Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
+ -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
+%
+Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
+%
+Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
+%
+Never play pool with anyone named "Fats".
+%
+Never promise more than you can perform.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
+ -- D. Gries
+%
+Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
+%
+Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
+%
+Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
+law against it by that time.
+%
+Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection
+unprotected.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+Never reveal your best argument.
+%
+Never say "Oops" in an operating room.
+%
+Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
+%
+Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
+%
+Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
+ -- Nelson Algren
+%
+Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on
+that subject.
+ -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
+%
+NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
+%
+Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks
+in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm
+tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay
+On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..."
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
+%
+Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to
+do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.
+ -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
+%
+Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
+ -- Steinbach
+%
+Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
+%
+Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
+%
+Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
+%
+Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.
+ -- John Dillinger
+%
+Never trust an operating system.
+%
+Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
+%
+Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
+%
+Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain
+sex to a virgin.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein
+
+(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
+%
+Never try to outstubborn a cat.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Never try to teach a pig to sing.
+It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
+%
+Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
+ -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
+%
+Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
+%
+Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein
+%
+Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
+there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
+%
+Never volunteer for anything.
+ -- Lackland
+%
+Never worry about theory as long as the
+machinery does what it's supposed to do.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein
+%
+New, adj.:
+ Different color from previous model.
+%
+New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
+%
+New England Life, of course. Why do you ask?
+%
+New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
+any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
+%
+New members are urgently needed in the Society
+for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
+%
+New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
+ -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
+%
+New release:
+ Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
+ time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
+ rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
+%
+New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his
+age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.
+ -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
+%
+New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
+%
+New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
+whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+New York-- to that tall skyline I come
+Flyin' in from London to your door
+New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
+Where they say you should not wander after dark.
+New York.
+ -- Simon and Garfunkel
+%
+New York's got the ways and means;
+Just won't let you be.
+ -- The Grateful Dead
+%
+Newlan's Truism:
+ An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
+ government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
+%
+Newman's Discovery:
+ Your best dreams may not come true;
+ fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
+%
+NEWS FLASH!!
+ Today the East German pole-vault champion
+ became the West German pole-vault champion.
+%
+news: gotcha
+%
+NEWSFLASH!!
+ Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at
+1700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down.
+It was. Age 31.
+%
+Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then
+print the chaff.
+ -- Adlai E. Stevenson
+%
+Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
+%
+Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
+ A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
+%
+Next Friday will not be your lucky day.
+As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
+%
+Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
+ -- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+Nice guys don't finish nice.
+%
+Nice guys finish last.
+ -- Leo Durocher
+%
+Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
+ -- Evan Davis
+%
+Nice guys get sick.
+%
+Nick the Greek's Law of Life:
+ All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
+%
+Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
+%
+Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
+God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
+%
+Nihilism should commence with oneself.
+%
+Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
+name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
+(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
+but Americans call him by value.
+%
+Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
+Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
+Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
+Three megs for system source;
+
+One disk to rule them all,
+One disk to bind them,
+One disk to hold the files
+And in the darkness grind 'em.
+%
+Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
+And tapes without any tracks;
+Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
+And tapes mixed up on the racks --
+ Take hold of the tape
+ And pull off the strip,
+ And then you'll be sure
+ Your tape drive will skip.
+
+ -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
+%
+Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
+The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
+ -- Augustine
+%
+Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
+ The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
+ the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
+%
+Nirvana? That's the place where the powers
+that be and their friends hang out.
+ -- Zonker Harris
+%
+Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing
+else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow
+the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
+ -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
+%
+No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
+ -- Aesop
+%
+No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
+%
+No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
+%
+No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
+absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+No brainer, n.:
+ A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
+ is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
+%
+No character, however upright, is a match for
+constantly reiterated attacks, however false.
+ -- Alexander Hamilton
+%
+No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.
+ -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about
+ film rights to "Gone With the Wind".
+ Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
+camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
+effectively under such difficult conditions.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+No directory.
+%
+No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon
+lectures which are really worth the attending.
+ -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
+%
+No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself
+on the grounds that it was human nature.
+%
+No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot."
+ -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
+%
+No evil can happen to a good man.
+ -- Plato
+%
+No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+No extensible language will be universal.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl;
+no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.
+ -- Landor
+%
+No group of professionals meets except to
+conspire against the public at large.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that
+he will not become a nuisance after three days.
+ -- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+No guts, no glory.
+%
+No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware
+until three software guys have signed off for it.
+ -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
+%
+No, his mind is not for rent
+To any god or government.
+Always hopeful, yet discontent,
+He knows changes aren't permanent -
+But change is.
+%
+No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
+%
+No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.
+It should be of the hill, belonging to it.
+ -- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+No, I don't have a drinking problem.
+I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
+%
+No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is
+just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone
+and Telegraph Company.
+ -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking
+ machine, 1943.
+%
+No is no negative in a woman's mouth.
+ -- Sidney
+%
+No job too big; no fee too big!
+ -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
+%
+No line available at 300 baud.
+%
+No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
+absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
+Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
+within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
+Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
+doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
+of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
+ -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
+%
+No maintenance:
+ Impossible to fix.
+%
+No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost
+interest in hair restorers.
+ -- Austin O'Malley
+%
+No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
+one peanut.
+ -- Channing Pollock
+%
+No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
+Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
+Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
+a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
+me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
+for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
+ -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"
+%
+No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
+%
+No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
+%
+No man is useless who has a friend,
+and if we are loved we are indispensable.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
+ -- Edgar W. Howe
+%
+No man's ambition has a right to stand in
+the way of performing a simple act of justice.
+ -- John Altgeld
+%
+No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher
+than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
+ -- Lenin, 1918
+%
+No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
+with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
+But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
+in the afternoons.
+ -- Salvador Dali
+%
+No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
+%
+No matter how much you do you never do enough.
+%
+No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for
+signs of improvement.
+ -- Florida Scott-Maxwell
+%
+No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously
+cramp his style.
+%
+No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
+%
+No matter what other nations may say about the United States,
+immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
+%
+No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
+%
+No matter who you are, some scholar can show you
+the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
+%
+No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not,
+th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.
+ -- Mr. Dooley
+%
+No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an
+unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.
+ -- Arthur Binstead
+%
+No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it
+all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
+the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
+republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
+ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
+every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
+%
+No one becomes depraved in a moment.
+ -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
+%
+No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
+%
+No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a
+dirty little beast.
+ -- W. S. Gilbert
+%
+No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
+ -- Eleanor Roosevelt
+%
+No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
+%
+No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
+%
+No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
+%
+No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
+ -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
+%
+No one knows like a woman how to say
+things that are at once gentle and deep.
+ -- Hugo
+%
+No one knows what he can do till he tries.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.
+ -- Quintus Ennius
+%
+No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin!
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the
+one who's giving it.
+ -- Hal Chadwick
+%
+NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS
+ -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907
+%
+No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
+system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
+the author.
+ -- Chris Shaw
+%
+No pig should go sky diving during monsoon
+For this isn't really the norm.
+But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon,
+So what? Any pork in a storm.
+
+No pig should go sky diving during monsoon,
+It's risky enough when the weather is fine.
+But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar
+Cast even more perils before swine.
+%
+No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
+He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
+Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
+And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
+ (refrain)
+Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
+And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
+All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
+But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
+ (refrain)
+Puff used more resources than DCS could spare.
+The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
+A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
+But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
+ (refrain)
+Refrain:
+ Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+ And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+ Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
+ And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
+%
+No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of
+them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe
+their wish has been granted.
+ -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
+%
+No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
+%
+No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
+ -- C. Schulz
+%
+No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
+%
+"No program is perfect,"
+They said with a shrug.
+"The customer's happy--
+What's one little bug?"
+
+But he was determined, Then change two, then three more,
+The others went home. As year followed year.
+He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment,
+Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?"
+
+Night passed into morning. He died at the console
+The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst
+With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried
+"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first.
+
+Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears
+Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate.
+"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone,
+"Just change one instruction." He's just working late."
+ -- The Perfect Programmer
+%
+No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
+occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
+indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence
+different from the one identified by the given indication as an
+indication-applied occurrence.
+ -- ALGOL 68 Report
+%
+No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
+%
+No rock so hard but that a little wave
+May beat admission in a thousand years.
+ -- Tennyson
+%
+No self-made man ever did such a good job
+that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
+paper.
+ -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
+ taken over by Rupert Murdoch
+%
+No skis take rocks like rental skis!
+%
+No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary
+for that purpose to keep awake all day.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
+%
+No sooner had Edger Allen Poe
+Finished his old Raven,
+then he started his Old Crow.
+%
+No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.
+ -- Quintus Ennius
+%
+No spitting on the Bus!
+Thank you, The Management.
+%
+No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+No two persons ever read the same book.
+ -- Edmund Wilson
+%
+No use getting too involved in life --
+you're only here for a limited time.
+%
+No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.
+ -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
+%
+No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of
+him than he deserves.
+ -- Edgar W. Howe
+%
+No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo.
+Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
+%
+No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today.
+%
+No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
+%
+Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
+%
+Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
+it.
+ -- Tallulah Bankhead
+%
+Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
+%
+Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
+%
+NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
+%
+Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel
+limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good
+if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We
+shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
+that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
+It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
+ -- Liv Ullman
+%
+Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
+%
+Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
+ -- Roy Harper
+%
+Nobody loves me,
+Everybody hates me,
+I think I'll go out and eat worms.
+I'm gonna cut their heads off,
+Eat their insides out,
+And throw way the skins.
+Big, fat, juicy ones,
+Little, skinny, cute ones,
+Watch how they wiggle and they squirm.
+%
+Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married.
+And then it's too late.
+%
+Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
+%
+Nobody shot me.
+ -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police
+ who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the
+ Saint Valentine's Day Massacre.
+
+Only Capone kills like that.
+ -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
+
+The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran.
+ -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
+%
+Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order
+for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
+their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
+ -- Lewis Lapham
+%
+Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
+your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
+different.
+ -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
+ O'Brien, instructions to the force.
+%
+Nobody wants constructive criticism.
+It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
+%
+Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start
+coming in late and lying about it.
+%
+nohup rm -fr /&
+%
+Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has
+merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Nolo contendere:
+ A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
+ it again."
+%
+Nominal egg:
+ New Yorkerese for expensive.
+%
+Noncombatant, n.:
+ A dead Quaker.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
+ -- M. J. 0'Donnell
+%
+Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
+%
+None love the bearer of bad news.
+ -- Sophocles
+%
+None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
+to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
+ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
+job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
+forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
+he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
+state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
+"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
+ -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
+%
+Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
+ Negative expectations yield negative results.
+ Positive expectations yield negative results.
+%
+Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it.
+ -- Heisenberg
+%
+Nonsense and beauty have close connections.
+ -- E. M. Forster
+%
+Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
+%
+Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
+%
+No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
+intentions. He had money as well.
+ -- Margaret Thatcher
+%
+Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in
+fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they
+moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
+useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since
+she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
+moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
+him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He
+reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
+some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
+threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the
+old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they
+had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
+paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There
+was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
+he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener
+and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the
+young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
+ The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
+story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't
+quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it,
+however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
+ -- Richard Harter
+%
+Norm: Hey, everybody.
+All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
+Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
+ Norm! (Norman.)
+ How are you feeling today, Norm?
+ Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
+ -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
+
+Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
+ Film at eleven.
+ -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
+
+Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
+ -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
+%
+Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
+ -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
+
+Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
+Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
+ -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
+
+Coach: How's life, Norm?
+Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
+ -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
+%
+[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
+
+Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
+Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
+ -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
+
+Coach: What's up, Normie?
+Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
+ -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
+
+Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
+Norm: Going down?
+ -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
+%
+[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
+
+Off-screen crowd: Norm!
+Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
+Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
+ -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
+
+Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Elope with my wife.
+ -- Cheers, The Triangle
+
+Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
+ -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
+%
+[Norm is angry.]
+
+Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
+ -- Cheers, The Triangle
+
+Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
+Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
+ and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
+ -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
+
+Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
+Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
+ -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
+%
+[Norm returns from the hospital.]
+
+Coach: What's up, Norm?
+Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
+ -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
+
+Sam: What's new, Normie?
+Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
+ They're demanding beer.
+ -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
+
+Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
+Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
+ -- Cheers, King of the Hill
+%
+[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
+Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
+All: Anton!
+ -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
+
+Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here."
+ -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
+
+Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
+Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
+ Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
+ -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
+%
+Normal times may possibly be over forever.
+%
+Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other
+reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates,
+although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed
+their courses.
+ -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
+%
+Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
+%
+Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
+%
+Not all men who drink are poets.
+Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
+%
+Not all who own a harp are harpers.
+ -- Marcus Terentius Varro
+%
+Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't
+make you live longer -- it just seems that way.
+%
+Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to
+the capitalist mode of production.
+ -- Herbert Marcuse
+%
+Not every question deserves an answer.
+%
+Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
+%
+Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
+Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
+in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
+moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
+dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
+respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
+it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
+then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
+chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is
+ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.
+ -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University
+
+I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
+ -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis
+%
+Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.
+ -- Rob Pike
+%
+Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a
+serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
+ -- Spinoza
+%
+Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems
+to have been written by Bruce Evans.
+ -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992
+%
+NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
+All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
+all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
+features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
+abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark
+attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis,
+local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure,
+invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction
+surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive
+electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated
+chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices,
+premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant
+uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins,
+and/or frogs falling from the sky.
+%
+Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message
+
+Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed.
+ -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine
+%
+Note to myself: use real bullets next time.
+%
+Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of
+wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is
+astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
+unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful
+not to make any poultry jokes.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Nothing can be done in one trip.
+ -- Snider
+%
+Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
+%
+Nothing endures but change.
+ -- Heraclitus
+ [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.]
+%
+Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
+proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
+ -- John Keats
+%
+Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+
+Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as
+satisfying as an income tax refund.
+ -- F. J. Raymond
+%
+Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
+%
+Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
+%
+Nothing is as simple as it seems at first
+ Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle
+ Or as finished as it seems in the end.
+%
+Nothing is but what is not.
+%
+Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
+%
+Nothing is faster than the speed of light.
+
+To prove this to yourself, try opening the
+refrigerator door before the light comes on.
+%
+Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
+%
+Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
+ -- Andrew Young
+%
+Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
+ -- A. H. Weiler
+%
+Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
+millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
+ -- Nero Wolfe
+%
+Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey.
+%
+Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature.
+She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.
+ -- Michel de Montaigne
+%
+Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.
+ -- Ebner-Eschenbach
+%
+Nothing lasts forever.
+Where do I find nothing?
+%
+Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
+%
+Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
+Conscience makes egotists of us all.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
+ -- Arthur Balfour
+%
+Nothing motivates a man more than to
+see his boss put in an honest day's work.
+%
+Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely
+repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because
+the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult
+which can be offered to a personality.
+ -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
+%
+Nothing recedes like success.
+ -- Walter Winchell
+%
+Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at
+which the hearer is permitted to laugh.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Nothing succeeds like success.
+ -- Alexandre Dumas
+%
+Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
+ -- Christopher Lascl
+%
+Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
+ -- Charlie Brown
+%
+Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
+If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
+That's what she said as she turned out the light,
+And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
+Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
+She got from trying to fight
+Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
+[...]
+Well nothing that's real is ever for free
+And you just have to pay for it sometime.
+She said it before, she said it to me,
+I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
+But the same old four imaginary walls
+She'd built for livin' inside
+I said oh, you just can't mean it.
+[...]
+Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
+If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
+That's what she said as she turned out the light,
+And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
+But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
+The veil that covered her eyes,
+I said oh, you can leave it.
+ -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
+%
+Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+Nothing will ever be attempted
+if all possible objections must be first overcome.
+ -- Dr. Johnson
+%
+NOTICE:
+ Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
+ be summarily put out.
+%
+NOTICE:
+
+-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY --
+
+(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
+%
+Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
+ French for "not enough food".
+
+Continental breakfast, n.:
+ English for "not enough food".
+
+Tapas, n.:
+ Spanish for "not enough food".
+
+Dim Sum, n.:
+ Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
+%
+November, n.:
+ The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery:
+
+ When comes the revolution, things will be different --
+ not better, just different.
+%
+Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
+%
+Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
+Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.
+ -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"
+%
+Now I lay me back to sleep.
+The speaker's dull; the subject's deep.
+If he should stop before I wake,
+Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Now I lay me down to sleep
+I pray the double lock will keep;
+May no brick through the window break,
+And, no one rob me till I awake.
+%
+Now I lay me down to sleep,
+I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
+If I should die before I wake,
+I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!"
+%
+Now I lay me down to study,
+I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
+And if I fail to learn this junk,
+I pray the Lord that I won't flunk.
+But if I do, don't pity me at all,
+Just lay my bones in the study hall.
+Tell my teacher I've done my best,
+Then pile my books upon my chest.
+%
+Now is the time for all good men to come to.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Now is the time for drinking;
+now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Now it's time to say goodbye
+To all our company...
+M-I-C (see you next week!)
+K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!)
+M-O-U-S-E.
+%
+Now of my threescore years and ten,
+Twenty will not come again,
+And take from seventy springs a score,
+It leaves me only fifty more.
+
+And since to look at things in bloom
+Fifty springs are little room,
+About the woodlands I will go
+To see the cherry hung with snow.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+Now that day wearies me,
+My yearning desire
+Will receive more kindly,
+Like a tired child, the starry night.
+
+Hands, leave off your deeds,
+Mind, forget all thoughts;
+All of my forces
+Yearn only to sink into sleep.
+
+And my soul, unguarded,
+Would soar on widespread wings,
+To live in night's magical sphere
+More profoundly, more variously.
+ -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep"
+%
+Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time
+some housewife or boutique owner turned diet expert appears on TV to plug
+her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee
+cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions:
+
+1: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food?
+2: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
+ exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
+3: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed...
+ without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the
+ occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make
+ you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.)
+
+That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
+%
+Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
+Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
+were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ...
+ -- "The Begatting of a President"
+%
+Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide,"
+or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."
+ -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ
+%
+Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game:
+you can win or you can lose or it can rain.
+ -- Casey Stengel
+%
+Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
+smurfette.
+ -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
+%
+Nowlan's Theory:
+ He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
+ the next freeway exit.
+%
+Now's the time to have some big ideas
+Now's the time to make some firm decisions
+We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
+Talking politics and nuclear fission
+We see him and he's all washed up --
+Moving on into the body of a beetle
+Getting ready for a long long crawl
+He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...
+
+Death and Money make their point once more
+In the shape of Philosophical assassins
+Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
+Deadly angels for reality and passion
+Have the courage of the here and now
+Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
+When you think you got it paid in full
+You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
+ We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
+ We know his name and he mustn't get away.
+ We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
+ It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
+ -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha"
+%
+Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
+ -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
+ manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
+ Times, June 10, 1955.
+%
+[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
+ -- Edwin Meese III
+%
+Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile.
+ -- Karl Lehenbauer
+%
+Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
+normal routines, for children and adults alike.
+ -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack"
+%
+Nuclear war would really set back cable.
+ -- Ted Turner
+%
+Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
+%
+Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus.
+%
+Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark.
+%
+(null cookie; hope that's ok)
+%
+Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
+ -- Seneca
+%
+Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
+%
+Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
+Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
+Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating?
+Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other.
+%
+Nusbaum's Rule:
+ The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the
+ organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the
+ Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted
+ to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
+%
+O! If I were a fish
+I'd lay hap'ly on my dish.
+Yes, that's my one and only wish --
+To be a fish!
+
+For fish don't ever mish;
+They needn't flush after they pish!
+Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish,
+For all the fish!!!
+%
+O give me a home,
+Where the buffalo roam,
+Where the deer and the antelope play,
+Where seldom is heard
+A discouraging word,
+'Cause what can an antelope say?
+%
+O imitators, you slavish herd!
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+O, it is excellent
+To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
+To use it like a giant.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
+%
+O Lord, grant that we may always be right,
+for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
+%
+O love, could thou and I with fate conspire
+To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire,
+Might we not smash it to bits
+And mould it closer to our hearts' desire?
+ -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald
+%
+Oatmeal raisin.
+%
+Objects are lost only because people
+look where they are not rather than where they are.
+%
+O'Brian's Law:
+ Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
+%
+O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
+thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
+ "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
+ "Four."
+ "And if the Party says that it is not four but five --
+ then how many?"
+ "Four."
+ The word ended in a gasp of pain.
+ -- George Orwell
+%
+Observe yon plumed biped fine.
+To activate its captivation,
+Deposit on its termination,
+A quantity of particles saline.
+%
+Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
+%
+Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred.
+ -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
+ 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
+ of the grandstands.
+%
+Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
+%
+OCCAM'S ERASER:
+ The philosophical principle that even the simplest
+ solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
+%
+Occident, n.:
+ The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is
+ largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
+ Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating,
+ which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also,
+ are the principal industries of the Orient.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+OCEAN:
+ A body of water occupying about two-thirds
+ of a world made for man -- who has no gills.
+%
+Odets, where is thy sting?
+ -- George S. Kaufman
+%
+Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
+%
+Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this:
+to know so much and have control over nothing.
+ -- Herodotus
+%
+Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
+reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
+amount of hot air.
+ -- Thomas L. Martin
+%
+Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
+ -- Plato
+%
+Of all the words of witch's doom
+There's none so bad as which and whom.
+The man who kills both which and whom
+Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
+ -- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Of all things man is the measure.
+ -- Protagoras
+%
+Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between
+husband and wife.
+%
+Of course it's possible to love a human being
+if you don't know them too well.
+ -- Charles Bukowski
+%
+Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
+tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
+ -- Crazy Nigel
+%
+Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.
+After awhile you'd run out of air to push against.
+%
+Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
+%
+Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of
+TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
+%
+Office Automation, n.:
+ The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
+ by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
+%
+Official Project Stages:
+ 1. Uncritical Acceptance
+ 2. Wild Enthusiasm
+ 3. Dejected Disillusionment
+ 4. Total Confusion
+ 5. Search for the Guilty
+ 6. Punishment of the Innocent
+ 7. Promotion of the Non-participants
+%
+Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses
+lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
+%
+Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
+%
+Ogden's Law:
+ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
+%
+Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
+%
+Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
+%
+Oh don't the days seem lank and long
+When all goes right and none goes wrong,
+And isn't your life extremely flat
+With nothing whatever to grumble at!
+%
+Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do?
+They're burning our streets and beating me blue.
+"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth:
+Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes."
+
+Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove,
+I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth.
+"Now listen my son, although you're confused,
+Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes."
+
+Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share.
+What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare?
+"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware.
+Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair."
+
+Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care?
+Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair?
+"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair:
+Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair."
+%
+Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me
+As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
+Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes,
+And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
+Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
+ see if I don't.
+ -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
+%
+Oh, give me a home,
+Where the buffalo roam,
+And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
+%
+Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus
+ Where the three-body problem is solved,
+ Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K,
+ And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus)
+We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high,
+ Our ball bearings are perfectly round.
+ Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed,
+ And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus)
+If we run out of space for our burgeoning race
+ No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch
+ When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart,
+ If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus)
+I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space,
+ And living up here is a bore.
+ Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye
+ 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus)
+
+CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange,
+ Where the space debris always collects,
+ We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams:
+ Solar power and zero-gee sex.
+ -- to Home on the Range
+%
+Oh give me your pity!
+I'm on a committee, We attend and amend
+Which means that from morning And contend and defend
+ to night, Without a conclusion in sight.
+
+We confer and concur,
+We defer and demur, We revise the agenda
+And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda
+ And consider a load of reports.
+
+We compose and propose,
+We suppose and oppose, But though various notions
+And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions,
+ There's terribly little gets done.
+
+We resolve and absolve;
+But we never dissolve,
+Since it's out of the question for us
+To bring our committee
+To end like this ditty,
+Which stops with a period, thus.
+ -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee"
+%
+"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
+dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time
+and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
+you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the
+ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
+wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning
+last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
+buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
+He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
+and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for
+their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
+another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa
+said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
+know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog."
+ -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
+%
+Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+ I muck with indices and structs all day
+And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
+ Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
+%
+Oh, I could while away the hours,
+Smoking herbs and flowers,
+Shooting up my veins,
+ De-dum, De-dum, De-dum
+Tell you, I've been a-thinkin'
+I could drive a shiny Lincoln,
+If I dealt in good cocaine.
+ -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
+be irresponsible, too.
+ -- Lichty & Wagner
+%
+Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
+And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
+Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
+Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
+You have not dreamed of --
+Wheeled and soared and swung
+High in the sunlit silence.
+Hovering there
+I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
+My eager craft through footless halls of air.
+Up, up along delirious, burning blue
+I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
+Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
+And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
+The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
+Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
+ -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight"
+%
+Oh I'm just a typical American boy
+From a typical American town.
+I believe in God and Senator Dodd
+And keeping old Castro down.
+And when it came my time to serve
+I knew "Better Dead Than Red",
+But when I got to my old draft board,
+Buddy, this is what I said:
+
+Chorus:
+ Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen,
+ And I always carry a purse!
+ I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat,
+ And my asthma's getting worse!
+ Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear,
+ And my poor old invalid aunt!
+ Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school
+ And I'm a-working in a defense plant!
+ -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
+%
+Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
+My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
+Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
+To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
+%
+Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
+arch-enemy -- and that is life.
+ -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
+%
+Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
+it's what you do with what you have left.
+ -- Hubert H. Humphrey
+%
+Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard.
+ -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Oh, so there you are!
+%
+Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea.
+He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me.
+No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee.
+He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
+ -- The Smothers Brothers
+%
+Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is.
+ -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
+%
+Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
+To see oursel's as others see us!
+It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
+And foolish notion.
+ -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796
+%
+Oh wearisome condition of humanity!
+Born under one law, to another bound.
+ -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
+%
+Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
+%
+Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+Oh, when I was in love with you,
+ Then I was clean and brave,
+And miles around the wonder grew
+ How well did I behave.
+
+And now the fancy passes by,
+ And nothing will remain,
+And miles around they'll say that I
+ Am quite myself again.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
+%
+Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or
+you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray
+J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or
+you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ...
+%
+Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone.
+ -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane"
+%
+O.K., fine.
+%
+Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't
+have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail
+just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait
+until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll
+save precious time and electrons.
+ -- Bill Paul
+%
+OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.
+ -- Dr. Joy
+%
+OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.
+%
+Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked
+just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
+executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in
+the code over again, since I also removed the source.
+%
+Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
+%
+Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
+ -- Bernard Baruch
+%
+Old age is the harbor of all ills.
+ -- Bion
+%
+Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
+ -- Trotsky
+%
+Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
+%
+Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
+%
+Old Japanese proverb:
+ There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji,
+and those who climb it twice.
+%
+Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
+%
+Old mail has arrived.
+%
+Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for being
+no longer in a position to give bad examples.
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
+%
+Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
+To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
+When she got there, the cupboard was bare
+And so was her daughter, I guess...
+%
+Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
+%
+Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
+%
+Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
+%
+Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
+%
+Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
+%
+Old timer, n.:
+ One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
+%
+Olivier's Law:
+ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
+%
+Omnibiblious, adj.:
+ Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
+ I'm omnibiblious."
+%
+On a clear day, U.C.L.A.
+%
+On a clear disk you can seek forever.
+ -- P. Denning
+%
+On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
+
+This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
+ -- Wolfgang Pauli
+%
+On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on
+a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir.
+
+[One is always a little afraid of love, but
+above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.]
+%
+On ability:
+ A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
+ a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
+%
+On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
+nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
+what it does.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one
+car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of
+the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris.
+ "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let
+you come any closer."
+ "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man
+explained.
+ "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a
+decapitation."
+ The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and
+pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?"
+ "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
+taller."
+%
+On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the
+proposition that all men are created jerks.
+ -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the
+same moment -- halftime.
+%
+On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
+%
+On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little
+girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
+Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
+and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
+%
+On the subject of C program indentation:
+
+ "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
+ indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
+ -- Blair P. Houghton
+%
+On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
+ -- W. C. Fields' epitaph
+%
+On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
+Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
+come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
+ideas that could provoke such a question.
+ -- Charles Babbage
+%
+Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew,
+and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
+ -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
+%
+Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Once, adv.:
+ Enough.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Once again dread deed is done.
+Canon sleeps,
+his all-knowing eye shaded
+to human chance and circumstance.
+Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley,
+but Canon's sleep is troubled.
+
+Beware, scant days past the Ides of July.
+Impatient hands wait eagerly
+to grasp, to hold
+scant moments of time
+wrested from life in the full
+glory of Canon's power;
+held captive by his unblinking eye.
+
+Three golden orbs stand watch;
+one each to toll the day, hour, minute
+until predestiny decrees his reawakening.
+When that feared moment arrives,
+"Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
+It tolls for thee."
+ -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine
+ Valley Pawn Shop today"
+%
+Once Again From the Top
+
+Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
+reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
+in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
+lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
+homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
+he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
+George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published
+inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
+lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
+vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
+The Herald regrets the errors."
+ -- "The Progressive", March, 1987
+%
+Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
+each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
+choice.
+
+In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
+called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah"
+and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
+passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
+Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
+Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
+Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
+principals or your mistress."
+%
+Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
+ -- Homer
+%
+Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
+roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
+forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
+the railroad yards."
+ -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan,
+ counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution
+ law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925.
+%
+Once I finally figured out all of life's
+answers, they changed the questions.
+%
+Once, I read that a man be never stronger
+than when he truly realizes how weak he is.
+ -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
+%
+Once is happenstance,
+Twice is coincidence,
+Three times is enemy action.
+ -- Auric Goldfinger
+%
+Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to
+sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
+%
+Once Law was sitting on the bench
+ And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
+"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
+ Nor come before me creeping.
+Upon your knees if you appear,
+'Tis plain you have no standing here."
+
+Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
+ "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
+"Amica curiae," she replied --
+ "Friend of the court, so please you."
+"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
+I never saw your face before!"
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings
+infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can
+grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it
+possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
+ -- Rainer Rilke
+%
+Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.
+ -- H. R. Haldeman
+%
+Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
+And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
+And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
+He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
+And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
+He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
+And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
+ And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
+And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
+And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
+The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
+But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
+Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
+And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
+But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt",
+ And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
+When the day is done and the moon comes out,
+And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
+When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
+And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
+You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
+ Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
+%
+Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during
+a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
+parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So,
+to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
+end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
+page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more
+inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he
+was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
+the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
+%
+Once upon a time there...
+%
+Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants
+were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
+to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If
+the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would
+just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
+of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
+sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
+possession. And the moral of the story is:
+
+The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
+hit you.
+%
+Once upon this midnight incoherent,
+While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
+Over many a broken and subordinate
+Volume of gnarly lore,
+While I pestered, nearly singing,
+Suddenly there came a hewing,
+As of someone profusely skulking,
+Skulking at my chamber door.
+%
+Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
+%
+Once you've tried to change the world you find
+it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
+%
+One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
+somebody's listening.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
+%
+"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative."
+
+Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
+The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
+ -- Chuq Von Rospach
+%
+One Bell System - it sometimes works.
+%
+One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
+%
+One Bell System - it works.
+%
+One big pile is better than two little piles.
+ -- Arlo Guthrie
+%
+One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.
+ -- Helen Keller
+%
+One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the
+mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
+ -- J. Gustav White
+%
+One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
+how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
+ -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
+%
+One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
+%
+One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast
+to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists,
+a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also
+just stupid.
+ -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
+%
+One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
+attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of
+smoke.
+ "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
+releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
+ The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
+resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
+border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
+ "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
+ "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the
+Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
+and march back home."
+ "But... well, all right! Your third wish?"
+ "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
+ "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
+to Poland three times and never invade?"
+ The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
+%
+One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
+truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced,
+"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
+which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the
+guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative
+is death by hanging."
+ "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
+ "I don't believe you."
+ "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
+ "But that would make it the truth!"
+ "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
+%
+One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
+decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a
+mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
+way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could
+make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks
+this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
+ A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
+success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
+actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
+there a number of details to be figured out.
+ After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
+looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
+some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
+track."
+ At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
+pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his
+eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing
+the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from
+behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO
+IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
+And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
+harmonic motion..."
+%
+One day,
+A mad meta-poet,
+With nothing to say,
+Wrote a mad meta-poem
+That started: "One day,
+A mad meta-poet,
+With nothing to say,
+Wrote a mad meta-poem
+That started: "One day,
+[...]
+sort of close".
+Were the words that the poet,
+Finally chose,
+To bring his mad poem,
+To some sort of close".
+Were the words that the poet,
+Finally chose,
+To bring his mad poem,
+To some sort of close".
+%
+One difference between a man and a machine
+is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
+%
+One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
+ -- Larry Gelbart
+%
+One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
+Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
+conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
+merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
+his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
+ Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
+full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
+been havin' all these years."
+ Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
+Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
+totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
+drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
+passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
+with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
+ Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
+head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
+years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
+%
+One expresses well the love he does not feel.
+ -- J. A. Karr
+%
+One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
+%
+One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
+ -- George Herbert
+%
+One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible.
+Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought,
+a rivalry of aim.
+ -- Henry Brook Adams
+%
+One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.
+ -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
+%
+One good reason why computers can do more work than
+people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
+%
+One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
+%
+One good thing about music,
+Well, it helps you feel no pain.
+So hit me with music;
+Hit me with music now.
+ -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
+%
+One good turn asketh another.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+One good turn deserves another.
+ -- Gaius Petronius
+%
+One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
+%
+One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines
+and end up with the atomic bomb.
+ -- Marcel Pagnol
+%
+One hundred women are not worth a single testicle.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
+ -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
+%
+One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
+ -- Gustave Droz
+%
+One learns to itch where one can scratch.
+ -- Ernest Bramah
+%
+ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in
+ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
+%
+One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
+%
+One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
+one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
+produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
+represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
+many ...
+ -- Anthony Chevins
+%
+One man's constant is another man's variable.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+One man's folly is another man's wife.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
+"Supernatural" is a null word.
+%
+One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
+ -- George M. Cohan
+%
+One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
+%
+One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends
+can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman
+%
+One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
+%
+One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
+will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
+I'll tell you."
+%
+One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens
+without laughing.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
+%
+One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
+%
+One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from
+one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70
+percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course,
+simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
+nobody can touch him.
+ -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
+%
+One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
+advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
+mathematics.
+ -- N. Wiener
+%
+One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
+enough to give you presents they make at school.
+ -- Robert Byrne
+%
+One of the large consolations for experiencing anything
+unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
+ -- Joyce Carol Oates
+%
+One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
+do and always a clever thing to say.
+ -- Will Durant
+%
+One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
+Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
+to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
+be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
+to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
+understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
+renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
+time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
+puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
+genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do
+foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.
+ -- Joe Martin
+%
+One of the most striking differences between a
+cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
+create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "_\bs_\bo_\bm_\be_\bb_\bo_\bd_\by has to buy
+retail."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they
+need no answer.
+ -- George Gordon, Lord Byron
+%
+One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
+seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
+way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
+in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
+imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.
+%
+One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he
+once had a publisher shot.
+ -- Siegfried Unseld
+%
+One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
+%
+One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
+thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with
+the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
+hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
+laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can."
+ To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
+happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
+And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
+ -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
+%
+One organism, one vote.
+%
+One person's error is another person's data.
+%
+One picture is worth 128K words.
+%
+One picture is worth more than ten thousand words.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits
+And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall.
+And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
+Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call.
+Go ask Alice Call Alice
+When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small.
+
+When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion
+Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead,
+And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking
+ mushroom backwards
+And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head
+Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said:
+I think she'll know. Feed your head.
+ Feed your head.
+ Feed your head.
+ -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
+%
+One planet is all you get.
+%
+One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan
+is that there never was a plan in the first place.
+%
+One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
+manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
+they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
+say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
+study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
+sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
+strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
+rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
+be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
+Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
+Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
+millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
+support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
+your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
+of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
+already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
+ -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
+%
+One reason why George Washington
+Is held in such veneration:
+He never blamed his problems
+On the former Administration.
+ -- George O. Ludcke
+%
+One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there
+should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles
+to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some
+virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded
+and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously
+many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that
+people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach
+is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes.
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
+%
+One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+ONE SIZE FITS ALL:
+ Doesn't fit anyone.
+%
+One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
+%
+One thing about the past.
+It's likely to last.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
+my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out
+warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and
+cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke.
+
+I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
+late.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+One thing the inventors can't seem to
+get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
+%
+One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
+sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
+terror.
+ -- W. K. Hartmann
+%
+One thought driven home is better than three left on base.
+%
+One toke over the line, sweet Mary,
+One toke over the line,
+Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
+One toke over the line.
+Waitin' for the train that goes home,
+Hopin' that the train is on time,
+Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
+One toke over the line.
+%
+One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
+new model.
+%
+One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
+%
+One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at
+the stake while the votes were being counted.
+ -- Thomas B. Reed
+%
+One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so,
+because they bite.
+ -- Vladimir Lenin
+%
+One-Shot Case Study, n.:
+ The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
+ it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
+%
+On-line, adj.:
+ The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
+ computer.
+%
+Only a fool has no doubts.
+%
+Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
+%
+Only fools are quoted.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Only God can make random selections.
+%
+Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+
+Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style.
+ -- The Unnamed Usenetter
+%
+Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
+essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
+ -- Alex Levine
+
+[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are
+hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.]
+%
+Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right
+to use the editorial "we".
+%
+Only someone with nothing to be sorry for
+smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
+%
+Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
+ -- Baba Ram Dass
+%
+Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
+placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
+and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
+food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
+unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
+and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
+modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
+that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
+postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
+the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
+May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
+ -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
+%
+Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.
+ -- Hannah Arendt
+%
+Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are
+busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
+%
+Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
+%
+Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where
+a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything
+or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who
+happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their
+windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing
+peacefully on his balcony a few yards away.
+ -- Sicilian police officer
+%
+Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
+of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
+%
+Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer.
+%
+Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
+%
+Onward through the fog.
+%
+Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
+%
+Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes.
+ -- Debbie VanDam
+%
+Opium is very cheap considering you don't
+feel like eating for the next six days.
+ -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite
+%
+Oppernockity tunes but once.
+%
+Opportunities are usually disguised as hard
+work, so most people don't recognize them.
+%
+Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
+talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority,
+crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
+them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
+%
+Optimism is the content of small men in high places.
+ -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
+%
+Optimism, n.:
+The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad,
+and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by
+those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded
+with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible
+to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment
+but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
+%
+Optimist, n.:
+ A bagpiper with a beeper.
+%
+Optimist, n.:
+ A proponent of the belief that black is white.
+
+ A pessimist asked God for relief.
+ "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
+ "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
+would justify them."
+ "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
+something -- the mortality of the optimist."
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Optimist, n.:
+ Someone who goes down to the marriage
+ bureau to see if his license has expired.
+%
+Optimization hinders evolution.
+%
+Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
+ -- Germaine Greer
+%
+Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
+%
+Order and simplification are the first steps toward
+mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown.
+ -- Thomas Mann
+%
+Oregano, n.:
+ The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
+%
+Oregon, n.:
+ Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
+night.
+%
+O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen:
+Cleanliness is next to impossible
+%
+Oreo
+%
+Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
+Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
+ -- Mike Adams
+%
+Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
+to people you could not have possibly met.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Osborn's Law:
+ Variables won't; constants aren't.
+%
+Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?
+%
+Other women cloy
+The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
+Where most she satisfies.
+ -- Antony and Cleopatra
+%
+Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
+%
+Others will look to you for stability,
+so hide when you bite your nails.
+%
+O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
+ Murphy was an optimist.
+%
+Ouch! That felt good!
+ -- Karen Gordon
+%
+"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
+system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
+
+"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
+any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
+ -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
+%
+Our business in life is not to succeed
+but to continue to fail in high spirits.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson
+%
+Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
+local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
+award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
+His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
+by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
+home-made, hand-held model.
+
+Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
+to the Pentagon free of charge:
+
+ a. Don't kill anybody.
+ b. Don't build things that do.
+ c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody.
+
+We expect annual savings to be in the billions.
+ -- Sojourners
+%
+Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars,
+but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
+%
+Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the
+office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
+were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
+juice. But only *_\bh_\be* had a lollipop.
+
+He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
+
+Her reply:
+
+ "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
+ means to be a programmer."
+%
+Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in a
+continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave national
+emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to gobble us up if we
+did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant sums demanded.
+Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never
+to have been quite real.
+ -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
+%
+Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
+%
+Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.
+ -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
+%
+Our little systems have their day;
+They have their day and cease to be;
+They are but broken lights of thee.
+ -- Tennyson
+%
+Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
+Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
+In kernel as it is in user.
+%
+Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us
+to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the
+rain, we were punished.
+ -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
+%
+Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
+ -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
+%
+Our problems are so serious that the best
+way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
+%
+Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'.
+We their sons are more worthless than they:
+so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Our swords shall play the orators for us.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
+In all of the directions it can whiz;
+As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
+Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
+So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
+How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
+And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
+'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it.
+ -- Alex Schure
+%
+Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
+ -- General Omar N. Bradley
+%
+Ours is a world where people don't know what they
+want and are willing to go through hell to get it.
+%
+Out of sight is out of mind.
+ -- Arthur Clough
+%
+Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.
+ -- Immanuel Kant
+%
+Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
+%
+Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
+it's too dark to read.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Over the shoulder supervision is more a
+need of the manager than the programming task.
+%
+Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
+I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
+%
+Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two
+complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through
+rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining
+errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this
+design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the
+result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the
+problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the
+system.
+ -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual
+ Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2
+ Concepts and Philosophies,"
+ IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4.
+%
+Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will
+continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually
+powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the
+victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking
+move?'
+ -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course"
+%
+Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
+%
+Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket.
+%
+Overheard:
+ "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!"
+%
+Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
+%
+Owe no man any thing...
+ -- Romans 13:8
+%
+Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in
+concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the
+oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very
+much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher
+concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it
+takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason
+for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of
+oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex
+process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is
+always fatal.
+
+However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the
+fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is
+sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any
+considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with
+symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning.
+
+Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in
+the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be
+due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings
+in question.
+
+Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and
+tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is
+too late.
+ -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956
+%
+Ozman's Laws:
+ (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.
+ (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.
+ (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
+ (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
+%
+paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a
+ vehicle) for a time in a certain location.
+patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant.
+Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year.
+shua, n: Having no doubt; certain.
+sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker.
+tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads
+ or as a vegetable.
+troopa, n: A state policeman.
+Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts.
+yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building.
+ -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary
+%
+PAIN:
+ Falling out of a twenty story building,
+ and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
+%
+PAIN:
+ One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
+%
+PAIN:
+ Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
+%
+Pain is just God's way of hurting you.
+%
+Painting, n.:
+ The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
+ exposing them to the critic.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Pandora's Rule:
+ Never open a box you didn't close.
+%
+panic: can't find /
+%
+panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding)
+%
+panic: kernel trap (ignored)
+%
+Paprika Measure:
+
+ 2 dashes == 1 smidgen
+ 2 smidgens == 1 pinch
+ 3 pinches == 1 soupcon
+ 2 soupcons == too much paprika
+%
+Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
+better.
+ -- Laurie Anderson
+%
+Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
+%
+Paralysis through analysis.
+%
+PARANOIA:
+ A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
+%
+Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
+%
+Paranoia is heightened awareness.
+%
+Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
+%
+Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.
+Now ... just try to find out where!
+%
+Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
+%
+Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
+to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
+ -- D. J. Hicks
+%
+Pardon me while I laugh.
+%
+Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
+%
+Pardo's First Postulate:
+ Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
+fattening.
+
+Arnold's Addendum:
+ Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
+%
+Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they
+didn't have much of anything to do with it.
+%
+Parker's Law:
+ Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
+%
+Parkinson's Fifth Law:
+ If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good
+ bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
+%
+Parkinson's Fourth Law:
+ The number of people in any working group tends to increase
+ regardless of the amount of work to be done.
+%
+Parsley is gharsley.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
+%
+PARTY:
+ A gathering where you meet people who drink
+ so much you can't even remember their names.
+%
+Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.
+ -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
+%
+Pascal is not a high-level language.
+ -- Steven Feiner
+%
+Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
+ -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
+%
+Pascal, n.:
+ A programming language named after a man who would turn over
+ in his grave if he knew about it.
+ -- Datamation, January 15, 1984
+%
+Pascal Users:
+ The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol.
+ Please modify your programs accordingly.
+%
+Pascal Users:
+ To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
+ death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
+%
+Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
+ -- Eric Hoffer
+%
+Password:
+%
+Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
+%
+Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being
+ unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises...
+ All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't
+ eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most
+ CREEPING things...
+Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars?
+P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone
+ can get in.
+A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff!
+P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED
+ CATERPILLARS!
+[...]
+P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat
+ a LITTLE SQUIRREL?
+A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day.
+P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya?
+A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the
+ Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry.
+P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick!
+A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh)
+ par for the course, Charlie.
+ -- The Firesign Theatre
+%
+Patageometry, n.:
+ The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
+under brain transplants.
+%
+Patch griefs with proverbs.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
+%
+Patent, v.:
+ A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
+%
+"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic."
+(crosses stream)
+"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side."
+ -- Eeyore
+%
+Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
+%
+Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life.
+ -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy
+%
+Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
+ -- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
+ -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell
+
+In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
+resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
+inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+
+When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel,
+he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform.
+ -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling
+
+Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
+ -- Boies Penrose
+%
+Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.)
+ -- Gauss
+%
+Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
+%
+Paul's Law:
+ In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
+ save.
+%
+Paul's Law:
+ You can't fall off the floor.
+%
+Pause for storage relocation.
+%
+Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
+ -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Paycheck, n.:
+ The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal
+ withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA,
+ medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance,
+ Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
+%
+Payeen to a Twang
+Derrida
+Ore-Ida
+potato.
+
+If you dared,
+I'd ask you
+to go dig
+up your ides under brown-
+tubered skies.
+
+where pitchforked
+you will ask
+Derrida?
+%
+Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
+%
+Peace cannot be kept by force; it
+can only be achieved by understanding.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Peace is much more precious than a piece
+of land... let there be no more wars.
+ -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981)
+%
+Peace, n.:
+ In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
+ periods of fighting.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Peanut Blossoms
+
+4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
+4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
+4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
+8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
+4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
+
+Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased
+cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top
+each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly
+to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.
+%
+Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
+ Never eat rutabaga on any day of
+ the week that has a "y" in it.
+%
+Pedaeration, n.:
+ The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
+ sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Pediddel, n.:
+ A car with only one working headlight.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
+when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second
+baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were
+diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero,
+at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
+Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
+motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
+base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
+What is it?"
+ "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I
+hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even
+Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
+to Sax.'"
+ -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
+%
+Peeping Tom:
+ A window fan.
+%
+Peers's Law:
+The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
+%
+Pelorat sighed.
+ "I will never understand people."
+ "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look
+at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have
+worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
+if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
+weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand
+people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
+-- no offense intended."
+ -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
+%
+Penguin Trivia #46:
+ Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
+ -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
+%
+PENGUINICITY!!
+%
+Pension, n.:
+ A federally insured chain letter.
+%
+People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
+attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to
+suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the
+case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their
+only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
+tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+People are beginning to notice you.
+Try dressing before you leave the house.
+%
+People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
+%
+People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
+%
+People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three
+times, four time, five times...
+%
+People in general do not willingly read
+if they have anything else to amuse them.
+ -- S. Johnson
+%
+People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
+ -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an
+election.
+ -- Otto von Bismarck
+%
+People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction
+rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+People often find it easier to be a
+result of the past than a cause of the future.
+%
+People respond to people who respond.
+%
+People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they
+*know* me there!
+ -- D. L. Roth
+%
+People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people
+have been left out on the pleasure.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here,"
+absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the
+public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in
+the concentration camps.
+%
+People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
+%
+People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something
+to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for
+it too.
+%
+People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.
+ -- Ken Kesey
+%
+People usually get what's coming to them -- unless it's been mailed.
+%
+People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get
+much better press than people who are just funny and smart.
+ -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
+%
+People who claim they don't let little things bother
+them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
+%
+People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
+ -- Abigail Van Buren
+%
+People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
+%
+People who have no faults are terrible;
+there is no way of taking advantage of them.
+%
+People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't
+what they want that they don't want it.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
+%
+People who push both buttons should get their wish.
+%
+People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
+%
+People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have
+cold baths.
+%
+People who think they know everything
+greatly annoy those of us who do.
+%
+People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
+Franklin said it first.
+%
+People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
+%
+People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
+did yesterday.
+%
+People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
+%
+People's Action Rules:
+ (1) Some people who can, shouldn't.
+ (2) Some people who should, won't.
+ (3) Some people who shouldn't, will.
+ (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.
+ (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
+%
+Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
+ -- R. W. Hamming
+%
+Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
+[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
+or
+[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.]
+ -- Aelius Donatus
+%
+Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
+%
+Perfect guest, n.:
+ One who makes his host feel at home.
+%
+Perfection is finally attained, not when there is no longer
+anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
+ -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
+%
+Performance:
+ A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or
+ rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored
+ to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
+%
+Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.
+I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy
+poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.
+ -- Thomas Macaulay
+%
+Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
+%
+Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
+behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
+order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's
+fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
+%
+Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is
+being a bore.
+ -- Cecil Beaton
+%
+Perilous to all of us are the devices of
+an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
+ -- Gandalf the Grey
+%
+Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be
+upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be
+nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable
+news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does
+the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been
+prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a
+periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the
+negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a
+periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible
+on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis,
+case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack,
+nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a
+proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of
+civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are
+by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost
+indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news
+instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory
+developments."
+ -- Fowler's English Usage
+%
+Persistence in one opinion has never been considered
+a merit in political leaders.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
+%
+Personifiers of the world, unite!
+You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
+ -- Bernadette Bosky
+%
+Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
+%
+Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
+persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
+to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
+ -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
+%
+Pessimist, n.:
+ A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
+ wolf from the door.
+
+Optimist, n.:
+ A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
+ his pants.
+
+Opportunist, n.:
+ A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
+%
+Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad.
+Waiter: Who told you?
+Pete: A little swallow.
+%
+Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe:
+ Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the
+ liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out
+ into suitable containers and cook until done.
+%
+Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
+ A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
+emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
+identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
+Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
+%
+Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
+%
+Peter's Law of Substitution:
+ Look after the molehills, and the
+ mountains will look after themselves.
+
+Peter's Principle of Success:
+ Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
+
+Peter's Principle:
+ In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of
+ his incompetence.
+%
+Peterson's Admonition:
+ When you think you're going down for the third time --
+ just remember that you may have counted wrong.
+%
+Peterson's Rules:
+ (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways
+ are filled with something sticky.
+ (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
+ (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
+ (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
+%
+Petribar, n.:
+ Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
+ the window of a vending machine too long.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Phasers locked on target, Captain.
+%
+Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
+exciting Camden, New Jersey.
+%
+Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
+%
+Philosophy, n.:
+ The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
+%
+Philosophy, n.:
+ Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
+%
+Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.
+ -- John Keats
+%
+Phone call for chucky-pooh.
+%
+Phosflink, v.:
+ To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow,
+ that will bring it back to life).
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Photographing a volcano is just about
+the most miserable thing you can do.
+ -- Robert B. Goodman
+ [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
+%
+Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
+farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than
+chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
+%
+Pick another fortune cookie.
+%
+Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
+I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
+Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
+She left me not knowing what to do.
+
+Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
+Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
+The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
+Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...
+
+Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
+I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
+Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
+With knowing I got noone left to blame.
+Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...
+
+Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
+I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
+I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
+From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
+ -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
+%
+Pickle's Law:
+ If Congress must do a painful thing,
+ the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
+%
+Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
+hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
+sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...
+%
+Piddle, twiddle, and resolve,
+Not one damn thing do we solve.
+ -- 1776
+%
+Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
+%
+Piece of cake!
+ -- G. S. Koblas
+%
+Pig, n.:
+ An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
+ by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
+ is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
+ruthless in punishing little thieves.
+ -- Diogenes
+%
+Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs.
+ -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988
+%
+Piping down the valleys wild,
+Piping songs of pleasant glee,
+On a cloud I saw a child,
+And he laughing said to me:
+"Pipe a song about a Lamb!"
+So I piped with merry cheer.
+"Piper, pipe that song again;"
+So I piped: he wept to hear.
+ -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence"
+%
+Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
+the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
+outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
+ -- Love and Rockets
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
+ You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
+ by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates
+ and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence
+ and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
+ small animals.
+%
+PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
+ Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American
+ Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody
+ else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably
+ get run over by a bus.
+%
+PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20)
+ You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today.
+ It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the
+ job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have
+ a car.
+%
+Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
+ -- Don Marquis
+%
+Pixel, n.:
+ A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
+ The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology:
+ Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial
+ intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
+%
+P-K4
+%
+Plaese porrf raed.
+ -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
+%
+Plagiarize, plagiarize,
+Let no man's work evade your eyes,
+Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
+Don't shade your eyes,
+But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
+Only be sure to call it research.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+Planet Claire has pink hair.
+All the trees are red.
+No one ever dies there.
+No one has a head....
+%
+Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe!
+Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
+ -- Green Lantern Comics
+%
+Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
+because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
+couldn't compete successfully with poets.
+ -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
+ Shell"
+%
+Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
+them.
+%
+Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
+table.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
+%
+Please don't put a strain on our friendship
+by asking me to do something for you.
+%
+Please don't recommend me to your friends--
+it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
+%
+PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
+
+Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
+ emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
+%
+Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle,
+I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
+%
+Please go away.
+%
+Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
+%
+Please ignore previous fortune.
+%
+Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
+%
+Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself!
+%
+Please remain calm, it's no use both of
+us being hysterical at the same time.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+ Australian's all, let us rejoice,
+ For we are young and free.
+ We've golden soil and wealth for toil
+ Our home is girt by sea.
+ Our land abounds in nature's gifts
+ Of beauty rich and rare.
+ In history's page, let every stage
+ Advance Australia Fair.
+ In joyful strains then let us sing,
+ Advance Australia Fair.
+
+Thank you. You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+ God save our Gracious Queen!
+ Long live our Noble Queen!
+ God save the Queen!
+ Send her victorious,
+ Happy and glorious,
+ Long to reign o'er us!
+ God save the Queen!
+
+Thank you. You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+ O Canada
+ Our home and native land
+ True patriot love
+ In all thy sons' command
+ With glowing hearts we see thee rise
+ The true north strong and free
+ From far and wide, O Canada
+ We stand on guard for thee
+ God keep our land glorious and free
+ O Canada we stand on guard for thee
+ O Canada we stand on guard for thee
+
+Thank you. You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please stand for the National Anthem:
+
+ Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
+ What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
+ Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
+ O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
+ And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
+ Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
+ Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
+ O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
+
+Thank you. You may resume your seat.
+%
+Please take note:
+%
+Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
+until you are told that those rooms are "punched out." Once punched out,
+we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
+ -- N. Meyrowitz
+%
+Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
+%
+PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the
+solution set.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
+of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
+an uncontainable experience.
+ -- R. S. Knapp
+%
+PLUG IT IN!!!
+%
+Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose.
+%
+Pohl's law:
+ Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
+%
+Poisoned coffee, n.:
+ Grounds for divorce.
+%
+Poland has gun control.
+%
+Police: Good evening, are you the host?
+Host: No.
+Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
+Host: About the drugs?
+Police: No.
+Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
+Police: No, the noise.
+Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
+ or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
+ background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
+ The neighbors?
+Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
+ complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
+ ask the host to quiet things down?
+Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
+ religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
+ room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
+ lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
+ onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
+ down.
+%
+Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to
+teach children.
+ -- W. H. Auden
+%
+Political speeches are like steer horns. A point
+here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.
+ -- Alfred E. Neuman
+%
+Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
+all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
+%
+Politician, n.:
+ An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
+ organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
+ agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As
+ compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of
+ being alive.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Politician, n.:
+ From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
+ "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
+ Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
+ -- Martin Pitt
+%
+Politicians are the same everywhere. They promise
+to build a bridge even where there is no river.
+ -- Nikita Khrushchev
+%
+Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.
+ -- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have
+been, and never will be wrong.
+ -- Walter Dwight
+%
+Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
+funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
+ -- Oscar Ameringer
+%
+Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and
+without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in
+for politics.
+ -- Albert Camus
+%
+Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as
+dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the
+systematic organisation of hatreds.
+ -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
+%
+Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart
+enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
+%
+Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
+between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
+realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
+ -- Ronald Reagan
+%
+Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next
+week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to
+explain why it didn't happen.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Politics, like religion, hold up the
+torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.
+ -- Amy Gorin
+%
+Politics, n.:
+ A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
+ The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
+ The hyperactive child is never absent.
+%
+POLYGON:
+ Dead parrot.
+%
+Polymer physicists are into chains.
+%
+Poorman's Rule:
+ When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser
+ package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to
+ pull it open.
+%
+Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
+Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white
+smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned
+on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious
+possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing
+
+ Half a pound of tuppenny rice
+ Half a pound of treacle
+ That's the way the chimney smokes
+ Pope Goestheveezl
+
+The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter
+streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic
+functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant
+Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Populus vult decipi.
+[The people like to be deceived.]
+%
+Porsche; there simply is no substitute.
+ -- Risky Business
+%
+Portable, adj.:
+ Survives system reboot.
+%
+POSITIVE:
+ Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
+%
+Positive, adj.:
+ Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.
+ -- Ryan
+%
+Post proelium, praemium.
+[After the battle, the reward.]
+%
+Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
+%
+Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
+
+ SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
+left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
+populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
+him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
+line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
+
+ FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
+fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
+unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
+with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
+with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
+diets that are driving them crazy.
+
+ FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
+Except with sour cream.
+%
+Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:
+
+ THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
+McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth
+to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
+behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
+
+ A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
+rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
+of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
+general butter-melting by all.
+
+ FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
+Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
+%
+Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
+%
+POVERTY:
+ An unfortunate state that persists as long
+ as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
+%
+Poverty begins at home.
+%
+Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many
+poor people.
+ -- Don Herold
+%
+Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
+ -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
+%
+Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
+%
+Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
+ -- Vint Cerf
+%
+Power is poison.
+%
+Power is the finest token of affection.
+%
+Power, like a desolating pestilence,
+Pollutes whate'er it touches...
+ -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
+%
+Power, n.:
+ The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
+%
+Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
+ -- Lord Acton
+%
+PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn.
+%
+Practical people would be more practical if
+they would take a little more time for dreaming.
+ -- J. P. McEvoy
+%
+Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
+ -- Henry Adams
+%
+Practically perfect people never permit
+sentiment to muddle their thinking.
+ -- Mary Poppins
+%
+Practice is the best of all instructors.
+ -- Publilius
+%
+Practice yourself what you preach.
+ -- Titus Maccius Plautus
+%
+PRAIRIES:
+ Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
+%
+Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
+ -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"
+%
+Praise the sea; on shore remain.
+ -- John Florio
+%
+Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
+ -- Russian Proverb
+%
+Pray, v.:
+ To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
+ of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Predestination was doomed from the start.
+%
+Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+Prejudice, n.:
+ A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
+ -- Donald E. Knuth
+%
+Preserve the old, but know the new.
+%
+Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
+%
+Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
+%
+President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
+pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
+%
+President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
+of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
+ -- The Washington Post
+%
+Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
+%
+Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
+ It's on the other side.
+%
+Price's Advice:
+ It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
+%
+[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves
+the working man, he loves to see him work.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the
+largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
+For having it off with his Mater;
+ Revenge Dad or not?
+ That's the gist of the plot,
+And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
+ -- Stanley J. Sharpless
+%
+Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle
+taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for
+all I know.
+ -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25
+%
+Priority:
+ A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
+ expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't
+ care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less
+ badly than someone else.
+%
+Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion.
+ -- Blake
+%
+Prizes are for children.
+ -- Charles Ives,
+ upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
+%
+Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
+%
+Probable-Possible, my black hen,
+She lays eggs in the Relative When.
+She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
+Because she's unable to postulate How.
+ -- Frederick Winsor
+%
+Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
+orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
+is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+ Teen Should Know"
+%
+PROBLEM DRINKER:
+ A man who never buys.
+%
+Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training.
+And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy
+for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress
+I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets?
+ -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors
+%
+Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data
+ encryption standard and they came up with ...
+Student: EBCDIC!
+%
+Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
+%
+Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130
+midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam.
+Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average
+has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
+%
+PROGRAM:
+ Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one
+ day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program,"
+ "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation
+ always justifies hiring at least three more people.
+%
+Program, n.:
+ A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input
+ into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging
+ one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
+%
+Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live
+without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.
+ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+Programming Department:
+ Mistakes made while you wait.
+%
+Programming is an unnatural act.
+%
+Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
+build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
+to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
+ -- Rich Cook
+%
+PROGRESS:
+ Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
+ invading the body and taking possession of it.
+
+ Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
+ and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
+%
+Progress is impossible without change, and those who
+cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Progress means replacing a theory that
+is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
+%
+Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
+%
+Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
+%
+PROMOTION FROM WITHIN:
+ A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
+ level where they can't foul up operations.
+%
+Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
+%
+Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
+
+This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction
+techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
+
+SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
+
+ We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
+for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
+as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
+trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
+take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
+ QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
+%
+Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
+ SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
+(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
+(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
+(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
+ legs for a horse.
+(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
+(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
+
+Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
+ Intimidation
+ Gesticulation (handwaving)
+ "Try it; it works"
+ Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
+ Blatant assertion
+ Changing all the 2's to _\bn's
+ Mutual consent
+ Lack of a counterexample, and
+ "It stands to reason"
+%
+Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
+but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
+ -- Darrell Huff
+%
+Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
+
+BBW Branch Both Ways
+BEW Branch Either Way
+BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full
+BH Branch and Hang
+BMR Branch Multiple Registers
+BOB Branch On Bug
+BPO Branch on Power Off
+BST Backspace and Stretch Tape
+CDS Condense and Destroy System
+CLBR Clobber Register
+CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
+CM Circulate Memory
+CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
+CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
+CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
+%
+Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
+
+DC Divide and Conquer
+DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
+DO Divide and Overflow
+EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
+EPI Execute Programmer Immediately
+EROS Erase Read Only Storage
+EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
+HCF Halt and Catch Fire
+IBP Insert Bug and Proceed
+INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
+PBC Print and Break Chain
+PDSK Punch Disk
+%
+Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:
+
+PI Punch Invalid
+POPI Punch Operator Immediately
+PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
+RASC Read And Shred Card
+RPM Read Programmers Mind
+RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
+RTAB Rewind Tape and Break
+RWDSK Rewind Disk
+RWOC Read Writing On Card
+SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write
+SLC Search for Lost Chord
+SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
+SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
+STROM Store in Read Only Memory
+TDB Transfer and Drop Bit
+WBT Water Binary Tree
+%
+Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Prototype designs always work.
+ -- Don Vonada
+%
+prototype, n.
+ First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by
+ pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version,
+ upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
+ prototype is not expected to work.
+%
+Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
+than the both put together.
+%
+Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
+where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
+%
+Prunes give you a run for your money.
+%
+Pryor's Observation:
+ How long you live has nothing to do
+ with how long you are going to be dead.
+%
+PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum
+daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor
+or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic
+junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast.
+ -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig
+%
+Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
+three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
+%
+Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
+shortcomings.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
+%
+Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body.
+%
+Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself
+a therapy.
+ -- Karl Kraus
+
+Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
+
+Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
+ -- Carl G. Jung
+%
+Psychologist, n.:
+ Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
+ into a room.
+%
+Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists.
+Experimental psychologists think they're biologists.
+Biologists think they're biochemists.
+Biochemists think they're chemists.
+Chemists think they're physical chemists.
+Physical chemists think they're physicists.
+Physicists think they're theoretical physicists.
+Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians.
+Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians.
+Metamathematicians think they're philosophers.
+Philosophers think they're gods.
+%
+Psychology. Mind over matter.
+Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
+Never mind.
+%
+Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well
+anyhow and is certainly a damn fool.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Public use of any portable music system is a
+virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
+ -- Zoso
+%
+Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping
+a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
+%
+Pudder's Law:
+ Anything that begins well will end badly.
+ (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
+%
+Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
+%
+Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
+to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
+to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
+cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
+fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
+lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
+the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
+%
+Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
+%
+PURGE COMPLETE.
+%
+PURITAN:
+ Someone who is deathly afraid that
+ someone, somewhere, is having fun.
+%
+Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
+%
+Purpitation, v.:
+ To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
+ don't want it, and then put it in another section.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
+%
+Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
+%
+Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.
+Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.
+Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.
+ -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor
+ of Texas.
+%
+Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.
+ -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
+%
+Put another password in,
+Bomb it out, then try again.
+Try to get past logging in,
+We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
+
+Try his first wife's maiden name,
+This is more than just a game.
+It's real fun, but just the same,
+It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
+%
+Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
+%
+Put no trust in cryptic comments.
+%
+Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
+%
+Put your best foot forward.
+Or just call in and say you're sick.
+%
+Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
+%
+Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
+ -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
+%
+Put your trust in those who are worthy.
+%
+Putt's Law:
+ Technology is dominated by two types of people:
+ Those who understand what they do not manage.
+ Those who manage what they do not understand.
+%
+Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!!
+%
+Q: Are we not men?
+A: We are Vaxen.
+%
+Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
+A: One per person.
+%
+Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been
+ abandoned? ...
+A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by
+ Perl.
+ -- Rob Pike
+%
+Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
+A: He got re-possessed!
+%
+Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
+A: With three more bullets.
+%
+Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with
+ your wife?
+A: You have to wait 22 months.
+%
+Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back
+ in a hurricane?
+A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
+%
+Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
+A: When his lips move.
+%
+Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
+A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring.
+
+Q: But how did he get back down?
+A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
+%
+Q: How did the regular expression cross the road?
+A: ^.*$
+%
+Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
+A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
+%
+Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
+A: Unique up on it!
+
+Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
+A: The tame way!
+%
+Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
+%
+Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
+A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
+%
+Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
+A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
+%
+Q: How do you make an elephant float?
+A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer...
+%
+Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
+A: Throw him a rock.
+%
+Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
+A: With a blue-elephant gun.
+
+Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
+A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
+ a blue-elephant gun.
+%
+Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
+A: Take away his credit cards.
+%
+Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
+ doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
+A: He changes the domain.
+%
+Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
+A: She asks them for a commitment.
+%
+Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
+A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
+%
+Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
+ of license fee (binary only).
+%
+Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
+ done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
+%
+Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
+ experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
+ lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
+
+Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
+ those Californians trying to share the experience.
+%
+Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
+%
+Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
+A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
+
+Q: How long does it take?
+A: It's indeterminate.
+ It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
+
+Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
+A: They replace your generator.
+%
+Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
+A: One more than you can find.
+%
+Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
+A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
+
+Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
+A: There's a footprint in the mayo.
+
+Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
+A: There's two footprints in the mayo.
+
+Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
+A: The door won't shut.
+
+Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
+A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
+%
+Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
+ itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
+ reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
+ maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
+%
+Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: None. We'll fix it in software.
+
+Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: None. The application can work around it.
+
+Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: None. We'll document it in the manual.
+
+Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: None. The user can figure it out.
+%
+Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
+%
+Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job?
+A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
+%
+Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift?
+A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
+%
+Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
+ GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
+ of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
+ left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
+ consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
+%
+Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
+ light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
+ to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
+ reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb-assassin to break
+ the bulb in the first place.
+%
+Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
+%
+Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
+ and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
+ do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
+ party of the second part shall be removed from the current
+ position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
+ upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
+ illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
+ through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
+ primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet,
+ any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
+ the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement
+ between the parties.
+
+ The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not
+ be limited to, the following. The party of the first part
+ shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
+ chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp
+ the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second
+ part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
+ non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the
+ second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the
+ party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of
+ the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all
+ relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
+
+ Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
+ the first part shall have the option of beginning installation.
+ Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with
+ the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
+ self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
+ should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
+ non-negotiable.
+
+ The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
+ the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized
+ by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
+ revenue for the Partnership.
+%
+Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
+ you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
+%
+Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
+%
+Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: One and a half.
+%
+Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
+%
+Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
+A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
+ to the earlier joke.
+%
+Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
+ light bulb?
+A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
+ the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
+ Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
+ that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
+ around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
+ that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
+ the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
+ from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
+ Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
+ beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
+ killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
+ As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
+ Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
+ warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
+ and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
+ just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
+ given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
+ and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
+%
+Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
+ bulb?
+A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the
+ witness.
+%
+Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
+ out from under him.
+%
+Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
+ to really want to change.
+%
+Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven
+ to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.
+
+ [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
+ a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's
+ pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
+%
+Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
+A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
+ with brightly colored machine tools.
+
+ [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
+%
+Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
+A: One.
+%
+Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
+A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
+ of the way.
+%
+Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
+A: 2 bits.
+%
+Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
+A: 9 edge down.
+%
+Q: Know what the difference between your latest project
+ and putting wings on an elephant is?
+A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
+%
+Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
+A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
+ bottles into the typewriter.
+%
+Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.
+ What should I do?
+A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on
+ believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably
+ be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can.
+ No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if
+ somebody else has made the correction.
+
+ And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're
+ the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have
+ to inform the whole net right away!
+ -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions
+ on Netiquette"
+%
+Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?
+A: .+
+%
+Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
+A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."
+
+Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing
+ sunglasses?
+A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
+%
+Q: What did the regular expression match?
+A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match"
+%
+Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
+A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
+ they go down on you.
+
+Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
+A: You can park in the handicapped zone.
+
+Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
+ puzzle in only 6 months?
+A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
+%
+Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?
+A: The very best person they can possibly be.
+%
+Q: What do monsters eat?
+A: Things.
+
+Q: What do monsters drink?
+A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
+%
+Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?
+A: The impossible dream.
+%
+Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
+A: Rule the country.
+%
+Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
+A: The same middle name.
+%
+Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
+A: A dope ring.
+
+Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
+A: To cover up the valve stem.
+%
+Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
+A: Diyathinkhesaurus.
+
+Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
+A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
+%
+Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
+A: A stick.
+%
+Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
+A: An interpreter.
+
+Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
+A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
+
+Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row?
+A: A wind tunnel.
+%
+Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
+A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
+
+ [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
+ Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
+%
+Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola,
+ eating fruit, and singing?
+A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
+%
+Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
+A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
+%
+Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
+A: A good start.
+%
+Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
+ is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
+A: A deep C diva.
+%
+Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
+A: A Christian Science Monitor.
+%
+Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
+ lawyer, and believes in social causes?
+A: A failure.
+%
+Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when
+ you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
+A: A howdah duty.
+%
+Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
+ sheep bites you?
+A: Ewe nicks.
+%
+Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international
+ standard?
+A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
+%
+Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
+A: An offer you can't understand.
+%
+Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
+A: Hot cross bunnies!
+%
+Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
+A: Not enough sand.
+%
+Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
+A: She goes home.
+
+Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
+A: To keep her neck warm.
+
+Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
+A: Tell her a joke on Friday.
+%
+Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?
+A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by
+ a delicious dessert.
+%
+Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
+A: Open other end.
+%
+Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
+A: Exploding sheep.
+%
+Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
+A: A dinner party.
+%
+Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
+A: Moby Pickle.
+%
+Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of?
+A: Feet.
+%
+Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?"
+A: A ball point carrot.
+%
+Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?
+A: Open other end.
+%
+Q: What is purple and commutes?
+A: A boolean grape.
+%
+Q: What is purple and commutes?
+A: An Abelian grape.
+%
+Q: What is purple and concord the world?
+A: Alexander the Grape.
+%
+Q: What is the difference between a duck?
+A: One leg is both the same.
+%
+Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
+A: Yogurt has culture.
+%
+Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
+A: Her bowling shoes.
+%
+Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
+A: I think I'm drunk.
+
+Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
+A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
+
+Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
+A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
+%
+Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
+A: Mu.
+%
+Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
+A: A nervous wreck.
+%
+Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
+ plays like a monkey?
+A: Nothing.
+%
+Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas?
+A: [^L]
+%
+Q: What's a light-year?
+A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
+%
+Q: What's black and white and red all over?
+A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
+%
+Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
+A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
+%
+Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
+A: A Doberman.
+%
+Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
+A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well..
+ I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...
+
+Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
+A: Artificial intelligence.
+
+Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
+A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
+%
+Q: What's the capital of Canada?
+A: American.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
+ lawyer in the road?
+A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
+A: You can't get down off an elephant.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
+A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
+A: The moustache.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
+A: One more drunk.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
+A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
+A: Yogurt has a living, active culture.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
+A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
+%
+Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
+A: The Titanic had a band.
+%
+Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?
+A: A canary with the super-user password.
+%
+Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
+A: Zorn's Lemon.
+%
+Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
+A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!
+
+Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
+A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
+%
+Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?
+A: Lawn Boy.
+%
+Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
+A: Because they're worth it!
+%
+Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
+A: Because he was hungry.
+%
+Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
+A: To see what was on the other side.
+
+Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
+A: More head room.
+
+Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
+A: She opens the car door.
+%
+Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
+A: He was giving it last rites.
+%
+Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
+A: To see his friend Gregory peck.
+
+Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
+A: To get to the other slide.
+%
+Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
+A: To get to the other slide.
+%
+Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
+A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means.
+%
+Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
+A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
+%
+Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
+A: Because that was her name.
+%
+Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
+A: Because it was on the other side.
+%
+Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
+A: To get to the middle.
+%
+Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
+A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
+%
+Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
+A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
+%
+Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
+A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
+ Oh, right, *of course*!
+%
+Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
+A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
+ an eye on the two intellectuals.
+%
+Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
+ New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
+A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
+%
+Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
+A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars.
+
+Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
+A: To keep their ankles warm.
+
+Q: How do you kill a blonde?
+A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
+%
+Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
+A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
+%
+Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
+A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink
+ it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while
+ visiting, they always take three.
+%
+Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
+A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
+ gets all the credit.
+%
+Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
+ function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
+A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
+%
+Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
+A: It takes too long to retrain them.
+
+Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
+A: All the blondes have gone home!
+
+Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
+A: There's white-out on the screen.
+%
+Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
+ soup in a plate?
+A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
+%
+Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
+A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
+%
+QED.
+%
+QOTD:
+ "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute
+ an emergency on my part."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "All I want is more than my fair share."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Dead people are good at running because they don't
+ have to stop and breathe."
+ -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "East is east... and let's keep it that way."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there,
+ I go to work."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now
+ too late to punish."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
+ save the earth!"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Her other car is a broom."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
+ her to cook."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "How can I miss you if you won't go away?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
+other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down,
+ then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'"
+ -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the
+ ball in their court."
+ -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it
+ didn't work."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
+ horse with one of the horns broken off."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
+ it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
+ the lost."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
+ -- Kathy Ireland
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the
+ dog for dinner."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play
+ golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If it's too loud, you're too old."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'"
+%
+QOTD:
+ I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".
+
+ [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many
+ stations anymore."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his
+ hands in his own pockets."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's been Monday all week today."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if
+ the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at
+ them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on
+ strike. To make less money."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back
+ all of my stuff."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
+ trivial."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Let's do it."
+ -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
+ mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
+ on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn."
+ -- Goodstein, States of Matter
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
+ her husband work."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with
+ a fake?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Our parents were never our age."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Sacred cows make great hamburgers."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
+ shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "She's about as smart as bait."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Silence is the only virtue he has left."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
+ I do what I get paid to do."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its
+ neck to get the dog to play with it."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
+ the snakes have gone away."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the
+ gerbil has more dark meat."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the
+ left."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you
+ think he was broken!"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding
+ when I mess things up."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call
+ "baring your neck."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
+%
+QOTD:
+ "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
+ Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
+ How... tribal."
+%
+QOTD:
+ "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
+%
+Quack!
+ Quack!! Quack!!
+%
+Quality control:
+ Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
+ and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
+%
+Quality Control, n.:
+ The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
+a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
+%
+Quantity is no substitute for quality,
+but its the only one we've got.
+%
+Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!
+ -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
+%
+Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
+%
+QUARK:
+ The sound made by a well bred duck.
+%
+Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
+%
+question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+QUESTION AUTHORITY.
+
+(Sez who?)
+%
+Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until
+they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
+%
+Questionable day.
+Ask somebody something.
+%
+Question:
+Man Invented Alcohol,
+God Invented Grass.
+Who do you trust?
+%
+Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
+%
+Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
+%
+Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
+
+(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
+%
+Quigley's Law:
+ Whoever has any authority over you,
+ no matter how small, will attempt to use it.
+%
+Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
+ -- Robert Orben
+%
+Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.
+After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment.
+%
+QUOTE OF THE DAY:
+
+ `
+
+%
+Qvid me anxivs svm?
+%
+Radicalism:
+ The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC
+READY
+>_
+%
+Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
+%
+Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+rain falls where clouds come
+sun shines where clouds go
+clouds just come and go
+ -- Florian Gutzwiller
+%
+Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
+%
+Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
+%
+Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
+%
+Ralph's Observation:
+It is a mistake to let any mechanical object
+realise that you are in a hurry.
+%
+RAM wasn't built in a day.
+%
+Random, n.:
+ as in number, predictable.
+ as in memory access, unpredictable.
+%
+Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
+%
+Rascal, am I? Take THAT!
+ -- Errol Flynn
+%
+Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
+
+Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
+Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
+Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
+Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
+Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
+Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
+ or so pencils from marking the cloth?
+Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
+Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
+Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
+Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
+
+0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
+3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
+6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
+8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
+11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
+%
+Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I
+saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer
+magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it
+bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won
+secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul
+when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
+insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
+before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
+A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
+engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
+ -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
+%
+Ray's Rule of Precision:
+ Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
+%
+Razors pain you;
+Rivers are damp;
+Acids stain you;
+And drugs cause cramp.
+Guns aren't lawful;
+Nooses give;
+Gas smells awful;
+You might as well live.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
+%
+Re: Graphics:
+ A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
+ the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
+ described with pictures.
+%
+Reach into the thoughts of friends,
+And find they do not know your name.
+Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
+And watch the feathers burst the seams.
+Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
+And feel its chill upon your blood.
+Hold a candle to the night,
+And see the darkness bend the flame.
+Tear the mask of peace from God,
+And hear the roar of souls in hell.
+Pluck a rose in name of love,
+And watch the petals curl and wilt.
+Lean upon the western wind,
+And know you are alone.
+ -- Dru Mims
+%
+Reactor error - core dumped!
+%
+Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
+Congress. But I repeat myself.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
+%
+Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
+%
+Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
+value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
+much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
+this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
+%
+Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
+limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
+so poor at I/O.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
+so long they can't afford the disk space.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
+in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
+%
+Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
+`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
+(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
+%
+Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
+could they read their mail?
+%
+Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
+future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
+will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
+%
+Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
+programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
+trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
+clear desks.
+%
+Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
+doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
+quiche.
+%
+Real programmers don't document; if it was
+hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
+%
+Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
+illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much
+good it did them.
+%
+Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
+you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
+wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
+spring up in the middle of the machine room.
+%
+Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
+in BASIC after reaching puberty.
+%
+Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
+freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
+wear white socks.
+%
+Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for
+programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
+%
+Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
+%
+Real programs don't eat cache.
+%
+Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they
+use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
+%
+Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
+This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
+computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
+%
+Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
+greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
+moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
+systems could be virtual at *_\ba_\bl_\bl* levels. They would like personal
+computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
+DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
+Correctness Verification Aid packages.
+%
+Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
+job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
+using an undocumented external procedure.
+%
+Real Time, adj.:
+ Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
+ and then.
+%
+Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
+afraid to break your face.
+%
+Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
+down the system for days.
+%
+Real Users hate Real Programmers.
+%
+Real Users know your home telephone number.
+%
+Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
+program doesn't deliver it.
+%
+Real Users never use the Help key.
+%
+Real wealth can only increase.
+ -- R. Buckminster Fuller
+%
+Real World, The n.:
+ 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
+be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
+programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
+to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
+tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5.
+4. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
+"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
+pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
+of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
+deceased person.
+%
+Reality -- what a concept!
+ -- Robin Williams
+%
+Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
+%
+Reality does not exist - yet.
+%
+Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
+%
+Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?
+ -- Patrick Sky
+%
+Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Reality is for people who lack imagination.
+%
+Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
+ -- Alvy Ray Smith
+%
+Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
+%
+Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
+away.
+ -- Philip K. Dick
+%
+Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
+cannot be fooled.
+ -- R. P. Feynman
+%
+Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
+%
+Reappraisal, n.:
+ An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
+%
+Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
+being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
+ -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
+%
+Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
+%
+Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man
+is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.
+ -- C. N. Parkinson
+%
+Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
+his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
+"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the
+microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
+bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
+Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
+Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
+"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!"
+ -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
+%
+Reception area, n.:
+ The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend
+ innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade
+ magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World,
+ while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine --
+ Cosmopolitan.
+%
+Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
+lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
+but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
+Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
+%
+Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
+ (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
+ (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
+ Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
+ (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
+ mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
+ (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
+ (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
+ Qualactin Hypermint extract.
+ (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
+ (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
+ (8) Add an olive.
+ (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
+ -- Douglas Adams
+%
+Reclaimer, spare that tree!
+Take not a single bit!
+It used to point to me,
+Now I'm protecting it.
+It was the reader's CONS
+That made it, paired by dot;
+Now, GC, for the nonce,
+Thou shalt reclaim it not.
+%
+Recursion is the root of computation
+since it trades description for time.
+%
+Recursion: n. See Recursion.
+ -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
+%
+Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts,
+administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
+%
+Regnant populi.
+%
+Regression analysis:
+ Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
+ getting worse.
+%
+Reichel's Law:
+ A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by
+ an outside force.
+%
+Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
+ -- Thomas Berger
+%
+Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
+ If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
+%
+Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest
+knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
+%
+...relaxed in the manner of a man who
+has no need to put up a front of any kind.
+ -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
+%
+Reliable source, n.:
+ The guy you just met.
+%
+Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple.
+%
+Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
+ -- Napoleon
+%
+Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
+%
+Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our
+extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.
+ -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic
+ Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used
+it.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
+%
+Remember Darwin; building a better
+mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
+%
+Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled
+with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two
+deserts.
+ -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
+%
+Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
+offense!
+%
+Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
+%
+Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH.
+ -- Jim Samuels
+%
+Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't
+have an established user base.
+%
+Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over
+the first one.
+ -- Confusion
+%
+Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's
+*not* the U.S. Army doing it!
+ -- "Good Morning, Vietnam"
+%
+Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
+that you're the one holding it.
+ -- Mr. Greenfatigues
+%
+Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
+ -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller)
+ "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai
+ Across The Eighth Dimension"
+%
+Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+ -- Dave Butler
+%
+Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
+you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.
+ -- Hans Liepmann
+%
+Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
+worse in Cleveland.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
+%
+Remember the... the... uhh.....
+%
+Remember thee
+Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat
+In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
+Yea, from the table of my memory
+I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
+All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past,
+That youth and observation copied there.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
+%
+Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
+%
+Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+ -- Mt.
+%
+Remember: use logout to logout.
+%
+Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+Remove me from this land of slaves,
+Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
+Where every knave and fool is bought,
+Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
+ -- Jonathan Swift
+%
+Removing the straw that broke the camel's back
+does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
+%
+Renning's Maxim:
+ Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
+%
+Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.
+ -- Indiana University football cheer
+%
+Reply hazy, ask again later.
+%
+Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
+Yogi Berra: "Closed."
+%
+Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
+Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
+%
+Reporter, n.:
+ A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
+ tempest of words.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
+
+SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
+the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
+carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
+I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
+of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
+do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
+ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
+need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
+career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
+that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
+can't help it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
+%
+Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi):
+ Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
+Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
+%
+Reputation, adj.:
+ What others are not thinking about you.
+%
+Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
+you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
+so you're still a valiant nerd.
+%
+Research is to see what everybody else has seen,
+and think what nobody else has thought.
+%
+Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
+ -- Wernher von Braun
+%
+Research, n.:
+ Consider Columbus:
+ He didn't know where he was going.
+ When he got there he didn't know where he was.
+ When he got back he didn't know where he had been.
+ And he did it all on someone else's money.
+%
+Resisting temptation is easier when you
+think you'll probably get another chance later on.
+%
+Responsibility:
+ Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is
+a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
+goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
+is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is.
+ -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
+%
+Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
+actually have a shot at it.
+%
+Reunite Gondwanaland!
+%
+Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
+Bobby: Slow down.
+Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
+Bobby: Slow down.
+Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light....
+%
+Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
+%
+Revenge is a meal best served cold.
+%
+Review Questions
+
+1: If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
+ and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
+ he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
+ Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
+
+2: If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
+ twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
+ every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
+ his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
+
+3: If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
+ the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in
+ a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
+ Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
+%
+Revolution, n.:
+ A form of government abroad.
+%
+Revolution, n.:
+ In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Revolutionary, adj.:
+ Repackaged.
+%
+Rhode's Law:
+ When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance,
+ or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or
+ circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted,
+ estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose
+ of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or
+ personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the
+ above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
+ adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably,
+ and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to
+ assume otherwise, maybe.
+%
+Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
+should be happier than others.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
+He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
+lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the
+world.
+ -- Barry Goldwater
+%
+Riches cover a multitude of woes.
+ -- Menander
+%
+Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?"
+Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is
+ going on here."
+Croupier (handing money to Renault):
+ "Your winnings, sir."
+Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much."
+ -- "Casablanca" (1942)
+%
+Riffle West Virginia is so small that the
+Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk.
+%
+Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither
+machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not
+rights, which they use or do not use.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Ring around the collar.
+%
+Ritchie's Rule:
+ (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
+ (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
+ (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
+%
+Robot, n.:
+ Someone who's been made by a scientist.
+%
+Robot, n.:
+ University administrator.
+%
+Robustness, adj.:
+ Never having to say you're sorry.
+%
+Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
+ Unless the results are known in advance,
+ funding agencies will reject the proposal.
+%
+Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
+become necessary.
+ -- Edgar Friedenberg
+%
+Rome was not built in one day.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
+%
+ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
+MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
+ door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
+%
+Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill,
+He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still,
+Juliet was waiting with a safety net,
+Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet".
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
+ Pogo"
+%
+Roses are red;
+ Violets are blue.
+I'm schizophrenic,
+ And so am I.
+%
+Rotten wood cannot be carved.
+ -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
+%
+Round Numbers are always false.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
+%
+Rubber bands have snappy endings!
+%
+Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
+Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
+%
+Rudd's Discovery:
+ You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
+ $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can
+ stay in Washington and make it there.
+%
+Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
+%
+Rudin's Law:
+ If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
+ do it every time.
+
+Rudin's Second Law:
+ In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
+ courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible
+ course.
+%
+Rugby, n.:
+ Elegant violence.
+
+ (Rugby players eat their dead.)
+ (Blood makes the grass grow!)
+ (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!)
+
+ [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.]
+%
+RUGGED:
+ Too heavy to lift.
+%
+Rule #1:
+ The Boss is always right.
+
+Rule #2:
+ If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
+%
+Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
+ Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
+be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person
+shall be deemed to be a cat.
+%
+Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
+ Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
+not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may
+sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they
+regain their composure.
+%
+Rule of Creative Research:
+ 1) Never draw what you can copy.
+ 2) Never copy what you can trace.
+ 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+%
+Rule of Defactualization:
+ Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
+%
+Rule of Feline Frustration:
+ When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
+ content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
+ bathroom.
+%
+Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
+%
+Rule of the Great:
+ When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
+ thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
+%
+Rule the Empire through force.
+ -- Shogun Tokugawa
+%
+Rules:
+ (1) The boss is always right.
+ (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
+%
+Rules for Academic Deans:
+ (1) HIDE!!!!
+ (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
+ -- Father Damian C. Fandal
+%
+Rules for driving in New York:
+ 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
+ 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
+ 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
+ intersection.
+%
+Rules for Good Grammar #4.
+ 1: Don't use no double negatives.
+ 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
+ 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
+ 4: About them sentence fragments.
+ 5: When dangling, watch your participles.
+ 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
+ 7: Just between you and i, case is important.
+ 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
+ 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
+10: Try to not ever split infinitives.
+11: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
+12: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
+13: Correct speling is essential.
+14: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
+15: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
+ careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
+ become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
+%
+Rules for Writers:
+ Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double
+negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
+and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
+omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
+unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with
+a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
+Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing.
+Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on
+us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
+snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've
+told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also,
+avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional
+phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
+death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
+%
+RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
+ (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
+ (2) Never leave the table hungry.
+ (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
+ (4) Enjoy your food.
+ (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
+ (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
+ accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
+ (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
+ for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
+ brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
+ (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
+ (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
+ can always eat it later.
+ (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
+ (11) Avoid blue food.
+ -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
+%
+Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Rune's Rule:
+ If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
+%
+Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
+ -- John Cameron Swayze
+%
+Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week,
+he might have lasted a long time and become a great star.
+ -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change
+ from being a pitcher to an outfielder.
+ Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
+%
+Ryan's Law:
+ Make three correct guesses consecutively
+ and you will establish yourself as an expert.
+%
+RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
+RY RY
+RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY
+RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY
+RY RY
+RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY
+RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY
+RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY
+RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY
+RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY
+RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY
+RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY
+RY RY
+RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY
+.
+.
+SYSTEM READY.
+?
+ -- Chris Suslowicz
+%
+Sacher's Observation:
+ Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
+%
+Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
+%
+SADISM:
+ A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
+%
+Sadoequinecrophilia, n.:
+ Beating a dead horse.
+%
+Safety Third.
+%
+Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+ Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
+
+ 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms,
+ bugs, ants.
+ 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.
+ 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
+ 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.
+ 5. Exotic birds flock around you.
+ 6. People ignore you at parties.
+ 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
+ 8. You no longer get off on cocaine.
+%
+SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:
+
+ In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
+Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
+to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
+space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
+violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
+turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
+center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
+ You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
+ tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
+ of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
+ laugh at you a great deal.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)
+ Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding
+ ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and
+ obnoxious self. Call your mother.
+%
+SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21)
+ Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will
+ backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue
+ impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
+%
+Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I
+got started one night when George came home and found one burning in
+the ashtray."
+%
+Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
+ -- Heard on Noah's ark
+%
+Sailors in ships, sail on!
+Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
+%
+Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.
+ -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
+%
+Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed
+in small amounts over a long period of time.
+ -- George Carlin
+%
+Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings
+ with me.
+Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained
+ to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not
+ letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around
+ sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry.
+Sally: It's called "trust," Ted.
+Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into
+ uncharted waters here.
+ -- Sally Forth
+%
+Sam: What's going on, Normie?
+Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
+ it, and I'll blow out my liver.
+ -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
+Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
+ Found him every couple of blocks.
+ -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
+%
+Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
+Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
+ -- Cheers, Loverboyd
+
+Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
+Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
+ -- Cheers, Loverboyd
+
+Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
+ -- Cheers, Loverboyd
+%
+Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
+Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
+Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
+Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
+Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
+ -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
+
+Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
+Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
+ -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
+
+Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
+ -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
+%
+Sam: What do you say, Norm?
+Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
+ -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
+
+Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
+Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
+ -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
+
+Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
+All: Norm! (Norman.)
+Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
+Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
+ -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
+%
+Sam: What's new, Norm?
+Norm: Most of my wife.
+ -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
+
+Coach: Beer, Norm?
+Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
+ -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
+
+Coach: What's doing, Norm?
+Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
+ to be the guinea pig.
+ -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
+%
+SAN DIEGO:
+ Four million people, where you can't get a
+ good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
+%
+San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the
+people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When
+they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me.
+One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
+ -- George Halas, professional football coach
+%
+San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
+ -- Herb Caen
+%
+San Francisco, n.:
+ Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
+%
+Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
+%
+Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
+ -- Mark Harrold
+%
+Sank heaven for leetle curls.
+%
+Santa Claus is watching!
+%
+Santa Claus wears a red suit
+He's a Communist.
+
+He has long hair and a beard
+Must be a pacifist.
+
+And what's in the pipe that he's smoking?
+
+Santa Claus comes in your house at night.
+He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight.
+
+Why do police guys beat on peace guys?
+ -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"
+%
+Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
+%
+Satellite Safety Tip #14:
+ If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
+%
+Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
+%
+Satire is tragedy plus time.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+Satire is what closes in New Haven.
+%
+Satire is what closes Saturday night.
+ -- George Kaufman
+%
+Sattinger's Law:
+ It works better if you plug it in.
+%
+Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
+Is like being nowhere at all,
+All through the day how the hours rush by,
+You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
+ -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
+%
+Satyrs have more faun.
+%
+Sauron is alive in Argentina!
+%
+Savage's Law of Expediency:
+ You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
+%
+Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
+surprised at how little you have.
+ -- Ernest Haskins
+%
+Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
+ -- Jason Zions
+%
+Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
+%
+Save energy: be apathetic.
+%
+Save gas, don't eat beans.
+%
+Save gas, don't use the shell.
+%
+Save the bales!
+%
+Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
+%
+Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
+%
+Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds!
+%
+Say! You've struck a heap of trouble--
+Bust in business, lost your wife;
+No one cares a cent about you,
+You don't care a cent for life;
+Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
+Health is failing, wish you'd die--
+Why, you've still the sunshine left you
+And the big blue sky.
+ -- R. W. Service
+%
+Say it with flowers,
+Or say it with mink,
+But whatever you do,
+Don't say it with ink!
+ -- Jimmie Durante
+%
+Say many of cameras focused t'us,
+Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
+No justice, please, curse ye!
+We really want mercy:
+You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
+ -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
+%
+Say my love is easy had,
+Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
+Say I am too often sad --
+Still behold me at your side.
+
+Say I'm neither brave nor young,
+Say I woo and coddle care,
+Say the devil touched my tongue,
+Still you have my heart to wear.
+
+But say my verses do not scan,
+And I get me another man!
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
+%
+Say no, then negotiate.
+ -- Helga
+%
+Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
+%
+Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
+%
+SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
+ -- Ken Thompson
+%
+SCENARIO:
+ An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in
+ which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in
+ sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
+%
+Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful.
+%
+Scene:
+ A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living
+room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and
+white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in
+filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his
+shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy
+intently watching him.
+
+Caption:
+ I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you.
+%
+Schapiro's Explanation:
+ The grass is always greener on the other side --
+ but that's because they use more manure.
+%
+Schizophrenia beats being alone.
+%
+Schlattwhapper, n.:
+ The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
+ hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Schmidt's Observation:
+ All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap
+ than a thin person.
+%
+Schwiggle, n.:
+ The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
+ pencil.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Science and religion are in full accord but
+science and faith are in complete discord.
+%
+Science Fiction, Double Feature.
+Frank has built and lost his creature.
+Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet.
+The servants gone to a distant planet.
+Wo, oh, oh, oh.
+At the late night, double feature, Picture show.
+I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
+To the late night, double feature, Picture show.
+ -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
+%
+Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a
+collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones
+is a house.
+ -- Jules Henri Poincar'\be
+%
+Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
+of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
+is not necessarily science.
+ -- Jules Henri Poincar'\be
+%
+Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes
+out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
+ -- Richard Feynman
+%
+Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
+%
+Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
+%
+Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
+%
+Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art!
+Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
+Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart,
+Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
+How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise?
+Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering
+To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies,
+Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
+Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car?
+And driven the Hamadryad from the wood
+To seek a shelter in some happier star?
+Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood,
+The Elfin from the green grass, and from me
+The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?
+ -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet"
+%
+Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
+ -- William F. Buckley
+
+%
+Scientists still know less about what attracts men
+than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
+ -- Dr. Joyce Brothers,
+ "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
+%
+Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
+They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that
+was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were
+linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights
+started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there
+was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky,
+struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently
+together. "There is now", came the reply.
+%
+Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
+Fain how I pause at your nature specific,
+Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
+Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
+Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
+Fain how I pause at your nature specific.
+%
+Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
+ You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve
+ the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most
+ Scorpio people are murdered.
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)
+ Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check
+ for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want
+ to throw up. Knock it off.
+%
+SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21)
+ You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million
+ dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to
+ subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance
+ to win. You never learn.
+%
+Scott's first Law:
+ No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
+%
+Scott's second Law:
+ When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
+to have been wrong in the first place.
+
+Corollary:
+ After the correction has been found in error, it will be
+impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
+%
+Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
+Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
+Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
+Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
+Spock: Affirmative.
+Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
+Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
+%
+Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
+%
+Scribline, n.:
+ The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's
+ signature goes.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
+Presidency.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!
+ -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
+%
+Sears has everything.
+%
+Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
+%
+Second Law of Business Meetings:
+ If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
+ will pick the wrong one.
+
+Corollary:
+ If there is only one way to spell a name,
+ you will spell it wrong, anyway.
+%
+Second Law of Final Exams:
+ In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
+ distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
+%
+Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
+%
+Secretary's Revenge:
+ Filing almost everything under "the".
+%
+Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
+ In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
+multiline message byte.
+ In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
+must be sent passive true.
+ The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
+ (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
+ (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
+ (a) The LADS is active
+ (b) Nor LACS is active
+
+ -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
+ Programmable Instrumentation
+%
+Security check: \a\a\aINTRUDER ALERT!
+%
+Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?
+[Who guards the Guardians?]
+%
+Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
+She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
+Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
+Silently scheming,
+Sightlessly seeking
+Some savage, spectacular suicide.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...
+%
+See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
+the second one should have seen it.
+%
+Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
+was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
+who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
+himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
+asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
+ "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
+far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
+%
+Seeing is believing.
+You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
+%
+Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Seeing that death, a necessary end,
+Will come when it will come.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+Seek simplicity -- and distrust it.
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were
+driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the
+mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by
+luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged
+rocks. They all got out of the car:
+ The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."
+ The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it
+into town and have a specialist look at it."
+ The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back
+in and see if it does it again."
+%
+Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
+counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
+you?".
+ The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
+ "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
+you like me to put it on your bill?"
+ Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
+%
+Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
+to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds,
+the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
+During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
+work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
+dreams!"
+ A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.
+Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is
+completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and
+other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields
+are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says.
+"Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
+ "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was
+like when God was working it alone!"
+%
+Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska,
+and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash
+register.
+ "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?"
+ "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man.
+ "GRIZZLIES?!?!"
+ "A few."
+ "Got any bear bells?"
+ "What's that?"
+ "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so
+bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black
+bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly
+country, anyhow?"
+ "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat."
+ "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?"
+ "Bear bells."
+%
+Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
+Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"
+
+In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
+In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
+In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
+In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"
+%
+Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
+doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
+that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
+months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
+Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
+and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
+He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
+up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
+ The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
+ "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
+a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
+out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
+When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
+some new underwear.
+ The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
+ "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
+salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
+that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
+ Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
+you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
+%
+Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
+Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
+%
+Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
+ Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily.
+%
+Self Test for Paranoia:
+ You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
+ your own fault.
+%
+Seminars, n.:
+ From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
+%
+semper en excretus
+%
+SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!!
+%
+Senate, n.:
+ A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
+ misdemeanors.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Send some filthy mail.
+%
+Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.
+ -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
+%
+SENILITY:
+ The state of mind of elderly persons
+ with whom one happens to disagree.
+%
+Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
+little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
+In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
+ -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
+%
+Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
+%
+Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
+ -- Graham Greene
+%
+SERENDIPITY:
+ The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
+%
+Serenity through viciousness.
+%
+Serfs up!
+ -- Spartacus
+%
+Serocki's Stricture:
+ Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
+%
+Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence.
+%
+Set the cart before the horse.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a
+swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were
+there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages
+retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby,
+some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the
+fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite
+loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security
+guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's
+anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
+%
+Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
+big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
+reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
+build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
+like crabgrass all over the United States.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
+Is all my brain and body need.
+Sex and drugs and rock and roll,
+Are very good indeed.
+
+Take your silly ways,
+Throw them out the window,
+The wisdom of your ways,
+I've been there and I know,
+Lots of other ways...
+ -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties"
+%
+Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
+%
+Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
+ -- Lewis Grizzard
+%
+Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
+%
+Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
+if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
+ -- Ian Dury
+%
+Sex is an emotion in motion.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
+for diet Coke.
+ -- Malcolm MacDougall
+%
+Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
+it's still darn tasty!
+%
+Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are
+unimportant.
+ -- Henry Miller
+%
+Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
+ -- M. C. Reed
+%
+Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
+most amount of trouble.
+ -- John Barrymore
+%
+Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
+repeated until infinity.
+ -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
+ Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
+ 1973.
+%
+Sex without love is an empty experience, but,
+as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
+how children do not come into the world.
+ -- Karl Kraus
+%
+Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so!
+%
+Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight:
+always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
+ -- J. M. Barrie
+%
+Shame is an improper emotion invented by
+pietists to oppress the human race.
+ -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
+%
+Shannon's Observation
+ Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation
+ that is beginning to improve.
+%
+Share, n.:
+ To give in, endure humiliation.
+%
+Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
+during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
+ Teen Should Know"
+%
+Shaw's Principle:
+ Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
+ want to use it.
+%
+She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
+good.
+ -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
+%
+She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge,
+containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax
+for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having
+the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use.
+
+In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick,
+not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the
+worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it."
+ -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House"
+%
+She asked me, "What's your sign?"
+I blinked and answered "Neon,"
+I thought I'd blow her mind...
+%
+She been married so many times
+she got rice marks all over her face.
+ -- Tom Waits
+%
+She blinded me with science!
+%
+She can kill all your files;
+She can freeze with a frown.
+And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down.
+And she works on her code until ten after three.
+She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me.
+ -- Apologies to Billy Joel
+%
+She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
+ -- Tommy Manville
+%
+She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud.
+%
+She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
+ -- Gypsy Rose Lee
+%
+She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few
+years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and
+left. Excited a few men in the meantime.
+ -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's
+ involvement in "The Avengers".
+%
+She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
+were bad.
+%
+She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him
+a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
+%
+She often gave herself very good advice
+(though she very seldom followed it).
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B".
+ -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
+%
+She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you.
+Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored
+women the world would be a different place, I can tell you.
+ -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"
+%
+She sells cshs by the cshore.
+%
+She stood on the tracks
+Waving her arms
+Leading me to that third rail shock
+Quick as a wink
+She changed her mind
+
+She gave me a night
+That's all it was
+What will it take until I stop
+Kidding myself
+Wasting my time
+
+There's nothing else I can do
+'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
+I don't want anyone new
+'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
+There's nothing in it for you
+'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
+ -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
+%
+She was bred in ol' Kentucky
+But she's just a crumb up here
+She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed
+With a cauliflower ear
+Someday we will be married
+And if vegetables become too dear
+I'll just cut me a slice of
+Her cauliflower ear!
+ -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges"
+%
+She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is
+good at being short.
+ -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
+%
+She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
+%
+She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
+%
+She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
+%
+Shedenhelm's Law:
+ All trails have more uphill sections
+ than they have downhill sections.
+%
+"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat.
+%
+Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
+turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
+bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
+night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
+aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
+ -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
+ bad fiction contest.
+%
+Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken
+him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess
+of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+She's genuinely bogus.
+%
+She's learned to say things with her eyes
+that others waste time putting into words.
+%
+She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
+%
+She's such a kinky girl,
+The kind you don't take home to mother.
+She will never let your spirits down
+Once you get her off the street.
+%
+She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
+%
+Shick's Law:
+ There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
+%
+Shift to the left,
+Shift to the right,
+Mask in, mask out,
+BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
+%
+SHIFT TO THE LEFT!
+SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
+POP UP, PUSH DOWN,
+BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
+%
+Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
+%
+Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks
+in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was
+laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society
+of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable
+comments:
+
+ "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..."
+ "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..."
+ "A man for all seasons. Really..."
+
+After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful
+it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead
+body join her long dead brain.
+%
+Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high,
+they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee.
+ -- Terry Southern
+%
+Short people get rained on last.
+%
+Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
+ -- Martin Mull
+%
+Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
+Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
+ -- Leo Durocher
+%
+Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
+playing golf with his boss.
+%
+Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
+%
+Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
+%
+Showing up is 80% of life.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait.
+[If youth but knew, if old age but could.]
+ -- Henri Estienne
+%
+Sic transit gloria Monday!
+%
+Sic transit gloria mundi.
+[So passes away the glory of this world.]
+ -- Thomas a Kempis
+%
+Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
+%
+Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
+%
+Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
+%
+Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
+%
+Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
+ -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
+%
+Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak
+up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to
+raise bloody hell.
+ -- Herbert Block
+%
+Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.
+ -- Thomas Carlyle
+%
+Silence is the only virtue you have left.
+%
+sillema sillema nika su
+[translation: look it up...hint-fin]
+%
+Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+%
+Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking
+a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the
+carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed
+the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out
+of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest
+intersection in town. BUT!
+
+Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
+BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL!
+
+Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient.
+She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage.
+(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty!
+And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT!
+
+Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d...........
+BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN!
+%
+Silverman's Law:
+ If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
+%
+Simon's Law:
+ Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
+%
+Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
+%
+Simulated fortune:
+
+ The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the
+ character of this point is therefore another method for the
+ letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an
+ unexpected.
+
+ -- by Claude E. Shannon
+%
+Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
+ -- Hubert Kirrman
+%
+Sin boldly.
+ -- Martin Luther
+%
+Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
+%
+Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.
+All other "sins" are invented nonsense.
+(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
+when others believe him.
+ -- Charles DeGaulle
+%
+Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
+%
+Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space,
+cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward
+this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
+%
+Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is,
+having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well
+burst out in laughter.
+ -- Long Chen Pa
+%
+Since I hurt my pendulum
+My life is all erratic.
+My parrot who was cordial
+Is now transmitting static.
+The carpet died, a palm collapsed,
+The cat keeps doing poo.
+The only thing that keeps me sane
+Is talking to my shoe.
+ -- My Shoe
+%
+Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos.
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
+alive.
+ -- John Sloan
+%
+Since we're all here, we must not be all there.
+ -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
+%
+Sink or Swim with Teddy!
+%
+Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
+%
+Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.
+ -- C-3PO
+%
+[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues
+I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of
+Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from
+loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!"
+
+God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all
+the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way.
+It'll cost you though".
+
+"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and
+the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?"
+
+"An arm and a leg", said God.
+
+Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get
+for a rib?"
+%
+Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful
+objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill
+gives us modern art.
+ -- Tom Stoppard
+%
+Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
+ That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
+ or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
+ should have gotten.
+%
+skldfjkl\a\a\ajklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil
+h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui\a135 2
+kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[,
+ [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf']
+ sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y
+
+
+Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it!
+%
+Slang is language that takes off its coat,
+spits on its hands, and goes to work.
+%
+Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when
+a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent
+songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as
+those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether
+beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep,
+breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest
+anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God
+for deliverance from chains.
+ -- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
+%
+Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
+ 1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
+ 2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
+ 3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
+ attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
+ attracted to dark objects.
+%
+Slous' Contention:
+ If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
+%
+Slow day.
+Practice crawling.
+%
+Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
+%
+Slurm, n.:
+ The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
+ it sits in the dish too long.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
+%
+Small is beautiful.
+ -- Schumacher's Dictum
+%
+Small things make base men proud.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
+teacher was in my class for five years.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+Smear the road with a runner!!
+%
+Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
+%
+Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
+%
+Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz
+%
+SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
+ Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
+ U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
+ describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
+ the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
+ filed 30 days in advance.
+%
+Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
+ -- Fletcher Knebel
+%
+Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
+%
+Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure!
+ -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office
+%
+Snacktrek, n.:
+ The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
+ returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
+ have materialized.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
+%
+SNAPPY REPARTEE:
+ What you'd say if you had another chance.
+%
+Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from.
+%
+Snow and adolescence are the only problems
+that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
+%
+Snow Day -- stay home.
+%
+Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours
+shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she
+mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks
+for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right
+with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps
+the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come."
+%
+So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
+your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
+hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
+array of 8-millimeter video equipment.
+
+... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
+were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
+that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
+toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
+made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
+format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
+ -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
+ Revolution"
+%
+So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they
+go to work?
+%
+So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making.
+A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force
+they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because
+of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose
+only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only
+purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of
+strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force.
+Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore.
+ -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193
+%
+So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
+praise of intelligence.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far
+as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
+way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
+ -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
+%
+So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
+of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
+friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
+could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
+use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
+for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
+the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
+extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
+ -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
+%
+So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back?
+%
+So, if there's no God, who changes the water?
+ -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl
+%
+So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
+large as it needs to be?
+%
+So little time, so little to do.
+ -- Oscar Levant
+%
+So live that you wouldn't be ashamed
+to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
+%
+So many beautiful women and so little time.
+ -- John Barrymore
+%
+So many men and so little time.
+%
+So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+So many women, and so little time!
+%
+So many women, so little nerve.
+%
+So much food, and so little time!
+%
+So much
+depends
+upon
+a red
+
+wheel
+barrow
+glazed with
+
+rain
+water
+beside
+the white
+chickens.
+ -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow"
+%
+So now
+that you have-
+
+you know, whoever
+
+you're trying
+to do
+
+a favor
+for
+
+-you've done it-
+
+and I'm sure
+you had
+
+a smirk
+on your mouth
+
+as you got me
+into this.
+ -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
+ composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public
+ Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992
+%
+So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and
+at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into
+the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married
+the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum
+himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing
+the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of
+their boots.
+ -- Samuel Foote
+%
+So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
+and yet it is not; it is but so so.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
+%
+So... so you think you can tell
+Heaven from Hell?
+Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade
+Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts?
+From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees?
+A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze?
+Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change?
+ Did you exchange
+ A walk on part in a war
+ For the lead role in a cage?
+ -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
+%
+So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway?
+And why can't he ever remember his Bible?
+%
+So, you better watch out!
+You better not cry!
+You better not pout!
+I'm telling you why,
+Santa Claus is coming, to town.
+
+He knows when you've been sleeping,
+He know when you're awake.
+He knows if you've been bad or good,
+He has ties with the CIA.
+So...
+%
+So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality
+all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
+tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal
+recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
+the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
+and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
+eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep...
+%
+So you think that money is the root of all evil.
+Have you ever asked what is the root of money?
+ -- Ayn Rand
+%
+So you're back... about time...
+%
+Soap and education are not as sudden as a
+massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+SOCIALISM:
+ You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour.
+COMMUNISM:
+ You have two cows.
+ Give both to the government. The government gives you milk.
+CAPITALISM:
+ You sell one cow and buy a bull.
+FASCISM:
+ You have two cows. Give milk to the government.
+ The government sells it.
+NAZISM:
+ The government shoots you and takes the cows.
+NEW DEALISM:
+ The government shoots one cow,
+ milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
+ANARCHISM:
+ Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.
+CONSERVATISM:
+ Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
+%
+Sodd's Second Law:
+ Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
+bound to occur.
+%
+Software, n.:
+ Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
+%
+Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
+like a staff function."
+ -- Paul Licker
+%
+Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
+"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all
+the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.
+ -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc.
+%
+Soldiers who wish to be a hero
+Are practically zero,
+But those who wish to be civilians,
+They run into the millions.
+%
+Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
+ -- Kayvan Sylvan
+%
+Solutions are obvious if one only has the
+optical power to observe them over the horizon.
+ -- K. A. Arsdall
+%
+Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed,
+and some few to be chewed and digested.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+ [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.]
+%
+Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.
+Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
+%
+Some circumstantial evidence is very strong,
+as when you find a trout in the milk.
+ -- Thoreau
+%
+Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
+%
+Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
+%
+Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
+%
+Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
+%
+Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
+ -- Edgar W. Howe
+%
+Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right
+places!
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
+and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
+ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+Some men are discovered; others are found out.
+%
+Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think
+about sex at all... they become lawyers.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness
+that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
+%
+Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
+ -- Maureen Murphy
+%
+Some men feel that the only thing they owe
+the woman who marries them is a grudge.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear
+lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
+ -- Woodie Guthrie
+%
+Some men who fear that they are playing
+second fiddle aren't in the band at all.
+%
+Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
+The answer is: I don't know.
+Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
+%
+Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
+old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
+I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the
+13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is
+the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
+Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
+Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is
+an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
+"lekare".
+ "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist
+ is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
+ fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
+ it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the
+ heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given
+ newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
+ and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he
+ shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
+ he received, shame and wounds."
+%
+Some of the things that live the longest
+in peoples' memories never really happened.
+%
+Some of them want to use you,
+Some of them want to be used by you,
+...Everybody's looking for something.
+ -- Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"
+%
+Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
+ -- Gloria Steinem
+%
+Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
+celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
+stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
+"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
+of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
+government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
+Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
+billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
+it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
+thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
+the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
+and go to a mall.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+Some parts of the past must be preserved,
+and some of the future prevented at all costs.
+%
+Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional
+transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into
+two-dimensional ones.
+ -- F. Frederick Skitty
+%
+Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
+%
+Some people cause happiness wherever
+they go; others, whenever they go.
+%
+Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep,
+but at least you only have to climb it once.
+%
+Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have
+only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
+%
+Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
+%
+Some people have parts that are so private
+they themselves have no knowledge of them.
+%
+Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
+them on the head.
+%
+Some people live life in the fast lane.
+You're in oncoming traffic.
+%
+Some people manage by the book, even though they
+don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
+%
+Some people need a good imaginary cure
+for their painful imaginary ailment.
+%
+Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
+%
+Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
+%
+Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a
+rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best.
+ -- P. J. O'Rourke
+%
+Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains.
+They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
+%
+Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
+you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
+worse.
+ -- Avery
+%
+Some points to remember [about animals]:
+
+(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
+ hippopotamuses;
+(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
+ front of your clothes;
+(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
+ you have just kicked.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+Some primal termite knocked on wood.
+And tasted it, and found it good.
+And that is why your Cousin May
+Fell through the parlor floor today.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
+progress.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
+%
+Some say the world will end in fire,
+Some say in ice.
+From what I've tasted of desire
+I hold with those who favor fire.
+But if it had to perish twice
+I think I know enough of hate
+To say that for destruction, ice
+Is also great
+And would suffice
+ -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
+%
+Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.
+ -- Folk saying
+%
+Some things have to be believed to be seen.
+%
+Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers
+so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
+%
+Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road,
+Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code,
+Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck,
+When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck.
+
+Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise,
+Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice.
+Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat,
+That don't smell very nice --
+He's nobody's moggy now.
+
+Oh you who love your pussy,
+Be sure to keep him in.
+Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play
+The truck is bound to win. On the road way
+And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that,
+Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing
+If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!"
+It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat!
+ And your pussy will be slightly dead,
+He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat!
+Just red and squashed and soggy --
+He's nobody's moggy now.
+ -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper"
+%
+Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
+I found a pile of them over in the corner.
+%
+Someday somebody has got to decide whether the
+typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
+%
+Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will
+probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a
+blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.
+ -- Mister Boffo
+%
+Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
+ -- Evan Davis
+%
+Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
+%
+Someday your prints will come.
+ -- Kodak
+%
+Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing
+when I was passing through satisfaction.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
+%
+Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
+City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to
+Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Someone is speaking well of you.
+How unusual!
+%
+Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
+%
+Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
+%
+Someone will try to honk your nose today.
+%
+Something better...
+
+ 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
+ 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
+ 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
+ something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
+ 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
+ 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
+ minutes late.
+ 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
+ own ear.
+ 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
+ mind putting that thing away.
+ 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
+ It's what's in it that matters.
+ 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
+ Seattle.
+10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
+11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
+ changing tempo.
+12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
+ -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
+%
+Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
+and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
+ -- N. V. Plyter
+%
+Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
+ -- Sigmund Freud
+%
+Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a
+fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.
+ -- Montesquieu
+%
+Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm
+smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
+ -- Seneca
+%
+Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
+Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
+Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
+Either light up or leave me alone.
+%
+Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
+the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
+world.
+ -- Robert Stone
+%
+Sometimes I live in the country,
+And sometimes I live in town.
+And sometimes I have a great notion,
+To jump in the river and drown.
+%
+Sometimes I simply feel that the whole
+world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray.
+%
+Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.
+Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
+ -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
+%
+Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes.
+ -- Repo Man
+%
+Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools.
+%
+SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
+back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
+me because I am beautiful.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
+%
+Sometimes the light is all shining on me,
+Other times I can hardly see.
+Lately it occurs to me
+What a long strange trip it's been.
+ -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"
+%
+Sometimes, too long is too long.
+ -- Joe Crowe
+%
+Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel
+like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat
+before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and
+forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity.
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means
+to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
+ -- Andy Capp
+%
+Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
+else is driving.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
+%
+Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
+%
+Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a
+woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
+ -- Sam Levenson
+%
+Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
+ -- Carl Sagan
+%
+Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
+the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
+make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
+But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider.
+ -- Sky Masterson's Father
+%
+Song Title of the Week:
+ "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
+in me."
+%
+Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
+paid may disregard this fortune).
+%
+Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
+%
+Sorry. Nice try.
+%
+Sorry never means having you're say to love.
+%
+Sorry, no fortune this time.
+%
+Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
+big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
+drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Space is to place as eternity is to time.
+ -- Joseph Joubert
+%
+Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.
+ -- Wheeler
+%
+Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
+Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
+and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
+ -- Captain James T. Kirk
+%
+Spagmumps, n.:
+ Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order
+ items.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Spare no expense to save money on this one.
+ -- Samuel Goldwyn
+%
+Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
+ If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
+if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
+back at him.
+%
+Speak roughly to your little boy,
+ And beat him when he sneezes:
+He only does it to annoy
+ Because he knows it teases.
+
+ Wow! wow! wow!
+
+I speak severely to my boy,
+ And beat him when he sneezes:
+For he can thoroughly enjoy
+ The pepper when he pleases!
+
+ Wow! wow! wow!
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+Speak roughly to your little VAX,
+ And boot it when it crashes;
+It knows that one cannot relax
+ Because the paging thrashes!
+
+ Wow! Wow! Wow!
+
+I speak severely to my VAX,
+ And boot it when it crashes;
+In spite of all my favorite hacks
+ My jobs it always thrashes!
+
+ Wow! Wow! Wow!
+%
+Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
+%
+Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
+ -- Dave Millman
+%
+"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though
+ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak,
+mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers,
+thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has
+moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust,
+and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate
+earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful
+water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or
+diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers
+would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when
+leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting
+wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the
+murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell
+into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed
+on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would
+have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has
+seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one
+syllable is thine!"
+ -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
+%
+Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
+that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
+all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free the middle third?
+Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
+result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a controlled variable procedure
+parameter and reallocate it before passing it back? Overlay three different
+types of variable on the same memory location? Anything you say! Write a
+recursive macro? Well, no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language
+so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
+%
+Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
+
+ With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
+ He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
+ And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
+ As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
+ Helpless users with projects due
+ Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
+
+ Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
+ Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
+
+* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
+* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
+ -- Curtis Jackson
+%
+Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
+days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
+with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
+who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in
+these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
+bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't
+communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
+ -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
+%
+Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's
+on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
+%
+Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!!
+Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited
+young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate
+students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions.
+Faculty members especially welcome.
+%
+Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.
+%
+Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the
+motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days,
+when the driver will be permitted to make what he can.
+ -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907
+%
+Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
+ The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
+number of times you have looked at it.
+%
+Spelling is a lossed art.
+%
+Spence's Admonition:
+ Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
+%
+Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
+%
+SPINSTER:
+ A bachelor's wife.
+%
+Spirtle, n.:
+ The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
+ your eye.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Spock: The odds of surviving another
+attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
+%
+Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
+%
+Spouse, n.:
+ Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
+ wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
+%
+Spring is here, spring is here,
+Life is skittles and life is beer.
+%
+Squatcho, n.:
+ The button at the top of a baseball cap.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick.
+%
+St. Patrick was a gentleman
+who through strategy and stealth
+drove all the snakes from Ireland.
+Here's a toasting to his health --
+but not too many toastings
+lest you lose yourself and then
+forget the good St. Patrick
+and see all those snakes again.
+%
+Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
+%
+Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
+%
+Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last
+words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
+now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
+ "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under
+his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
+ "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
+open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
+open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if
+after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And
+with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
+ Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
+unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it
+was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
+So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
+for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
+ But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
+deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
+ All it said was: "Write two letters."
+%
+Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS.
+%
+Stamp out philately.
+%
+STANDARDS:
+ The principles we use to reject other people's code.
+%
+Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
+no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for
+something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
+ -- Chuang Tzu
+%
+Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
+%
+Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men:
+they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night.
+%
+Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
+Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
+science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all
+on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Start the day with a smile.
+After that you can be your nasty old self again.
+%
+State license plates we'd like to see:
+
+ NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS
+ LVME 10DR OW-A CAH
+LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE
+
+ HAWAII WISCONSIN
+ L-O HA CHEDDAR
+FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE
+%
+State license plates we'd like to see:
+
+ ALABAMA ARIZONA
+ IC1 NOW 120 F
+THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE
+
+ CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI
+ 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS
+WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE
+
+ TEXAS FLORIDA
+ 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED
+PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
+%
+State license plates we'd like to see:
+
+ MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA
+ 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X
+EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE
+
+ NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY
+ WL-GOLLY ARG GGH
+HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE
+
+ KANSAS WASHINGTON DC
+ TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC
+THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
+ MOVIE STATE
+%
+STATISTICS:
+ A system for expressing your political
+ prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
+%
+Statistics are no substitute for judgment.
+ -- Henry Clay
+%
+Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
+%
+Stay away from flying saucers today.
+%
+Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
+%
+Stay the curse.
+%
+Stay together, drag each other down.
+%
+Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
+There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
+One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,
+
+And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
+Though we really did try to make it,
+Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...
+
+It used to be so easy living here with you,
+You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
+Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.
+
+There'll be good times again for me and you,
+But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
+But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...
+
+But it's too late baby...
+It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
+ -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
+%
+Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So
+long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental
+hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins,
+its rate is a matter of discretion.
+ -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber"
+%
+Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
+%
+Steckel's Rule to Success:
+ Good enough is never good enough.
+%
+Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
+ Everybody should believe in something --
+ I believe I'll have another drink.
+%
+Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
+ Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
+handle.
+%
+Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.
+Embezzlement is another matter.
+%
+Stenderup's Law:
+ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
+%
+Step back, unbelievers!
+Or the rain will never come.
+Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
+You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
+But I swear to you, before this day is out,
+ you folks are gonna see some rain!
+%
+Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
+Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
+so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he
+wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's
+very little call for those up there.
+ -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
+%
+Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.
+Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
+%
+Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
+ -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
+%
+Stock's Observation:
+ You no sooner get your head above water
+ but what someone pulls your flippers off.
+%
+Stone's Law:
+ One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
+%
+Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was.
+And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes
+in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and
+Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The
+way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage
+on the credulity of human nature.
+%
+Stop me, before I kill again!
+%
+Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
+Now, if they'd only take a bath...
+%
+Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
+%
+Strange things are done to be number one
+In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs,
+IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box
+Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
+And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox
+But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future
+Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright,
+By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold;
+ From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
+ Would ship for Celtic gold.
+The movers came to crate the frame;
+It weighed a million ton!
+The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you
+(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages;
+"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship
+ spat, What's in your brochure's pages.
+"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells
+"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver;
+"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute
+ Because they couldn't deliver.
+ -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
+%
+STRATEGY:
+ A comprehensive plan of inaction.
+%
+Strategy:
+ A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime
+ after those creating it have left the organization.
+%
+Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts.
+%
+Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload
+and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn
+the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
+"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and
+implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax
+and have a nice day.
+%
+Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all
+real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
+understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+Stult's Report:
+ Our problems are mostly behind us.
+ What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
+%
+Stupid, n.:
+ Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
+%
+Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
+%
+Stupidity is its own reward.
+%
+Sturgeon's Law:
+ 90% of everything is crud.
+%
+Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
+%
+Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re.
+Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
+%
+Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
+editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the
+way before it is understood.
+%
+Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names
+the streets after them.
+ -- Bill Vaughn
+%
+Success is a journey, not a destination.
+%
+Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
+%
+Success is in the minds of Fools.
+ -- William Wrenshaw, 1578
+%
+Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have
+made of things.
+ -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
+%
+Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
+%
+Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
+ -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
+%
+Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
+%
+Such a fine first dream!
+But they laughed at me; they said
+I had made it up.
+%
+Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion,
+when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
+%
+Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political,
+petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.
+ -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
+%
+Such evil deeds could religion prompt.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+Sudden Death Dating:
+
+Quote, female:
+ Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it,
+ at this point I'll take his first name, too.
+%
+Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
+without his duck ...
+%
+Suffering alone exists, none who suffer;
+The deed there is, but no doer thereof;
+Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it;
+The Path there is, but none who travel it.
+ -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
+%
+Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
+%
+Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
+%
+Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
+ -- Donald Kaul
+%
+Sum quod eris.
+%
+Sun in the night, everyone is together,
+Ascending into the heavens, life is forever.
+ -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night"
+%
+SUN Microsystems:
+ The Network IS the Load Average.
+%
+(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
+
+ To code the impossible code,
+ To bring up a virgin machine,
+ To pop out of endless recursion,
+ To grok what appears on the screen,
+
+ To right the unrightable bug,
+ To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
+ To mount the unmountable magtape,
+ To stop the unstoppable crash!
+%
+SUNSET:
+ Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths,
+ resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with
+ progressively reducing solar elevation.
+%
+Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
+have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
+ -- Martin Luther
+%
+Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
+none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
+sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
+ -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
+%
+Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
+Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
+ Quantum Mechanics?
+Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
+Supervisee: Yes.
+ -- Overheard at a supervision
+%
+Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
+%
+Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets.
+%
+Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
+%
+Support the American Kidney Foundation.
+Don't wear your motorcycle helmet.
+%
+Support the Girl Scouts!
+ (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
+%
+Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
+%
+Support your local church or synagogue.
+Worship at Bank of America.
+%
+Support your local police force -- steal!!
+%
+Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
+%
+Support your right to arm bears!!
+%
+Support your right to bare arms!
+ -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
+%
+Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
+rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more
+efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the
+analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a
+Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
+it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you
+were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
+a pinhead.
+ -- Christopher Evans
+%
+Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
+%
+Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.
+But what if he forgets?
+%
+Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
+men in national government too.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
+%
+Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!
+Just type in your name and social security number.
+Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
+
+Name #
+
+
+%
+Surprise due today. Also the rent.
+%
+Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
+%
+Sushi, n.:
+ When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and
+ strapped on with electrical tape.
+%
+Sushido, n.:
+ The way of the tuna.
+%
+Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+Swahili, n.:
+ The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
+retractions.
+ -- Johnny Hart
+%
+Swap read error. You lose your mind.
+%
+SWEATER:
+ A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly.
+%
+Sweater, n.:
+ A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
+%
+Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
+ -- Thomas Tusser
+%
+Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess,
+And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes".
+%
+Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails,
+whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through
+the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly
+I rush!
+ -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
+%
+Swipple's Rule of Order:
+ He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
+%
+Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful
+place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
+ unusually pale and clear.
+Problem: Glass empty.
+Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
+
+Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
+ and the front of your shirt is wet.
+Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
+ wrong part of face.
+Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
+ Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
+Fault: The Bar is closing.
+Action Required: Panic.
+
+Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
+ You cannot see the bathroom light.
+Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
+Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
+ treat yourself to a lie-in.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
+Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
+Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
+ toward ceiling.
+
+Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
+Fault: Improper bladder control.
+Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
+ to the owner about its lack of house training and
+ demand a beer as compensation.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom: Floor blurred.
+Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
+Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
+
+Symptom: Floor moving.
+Fault: You are being carried out.
+Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
+ complain loudly that you are being kidnaped.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Symptom: Floor swaying.
+Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
+ game in progress.
+Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
+
+Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
+ and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
+Fault: You have fallen forward.
+Action Required: See above.
+
+Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
+ fluorescent light strips.
+Fault: You have fallen over backward.
+Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
+ drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
+ you get up, lash yourself to bar.
+
+ -- Bar Troubleshooting
+%
+Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+System checkpoint complete.
+%
+System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
+%
+System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
+%
+System going down in 5 minutes.
+%
+System restarting, wait...
+%
+System/3! System/3!
+See how it runs! See how it runs!
+ Its monitor loses so totally!
+ It runs all its programs in RPG!
+ It's made by our favorite monopoly!
+System/3!
+%
+SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT:
+ Works equally poorly on all systems.
+%
+Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
+infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+Systems programmer:
+ A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior
+ vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you
+ are to receive from your boss.
+%
+Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
+ -- R. S. Barton
+%
+T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
+ He don't rock, and he don't roll;
+ Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
+ He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+TACKY:
+ Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions.
+%
+Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.
+ -- Jean Cocteau
+%
+Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
+ -- Jean Cocteau
+%
+Tact is the ability to tell a man he has
+an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
+%
+Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
+%
+Tact, n.:
+ The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
+%
+Take a lesson from the whale; the only time
+he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
+%
+Take an astronaut to launch.
+%
+Take care of the luxuries and the
+necessities will take care of themselves.
+ -- L. Long
+%
+Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.
+ -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
+%
+Take everything in stride.
+Trample anyone who gets in your way.
+%
+TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION:
+ Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
+%
+Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
+enough cheese.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
+%
+Take me drunk,
+I'm home again!
+%
+Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man,
+but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool.
+ -- Kipling
+%
+Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
+merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
+have given them to you.
+%
+Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
+ -- Ken Kesey
+%
+Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
+Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood
+by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy.
+ -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
+%
+Take your Senator to lunch this week.
+%
+Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
+take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
+ -- Booth Tarkington
+%
+Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever
+got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club.
+ -- Rev. Jim
+%
+Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
+%
+Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+Talkers are no good doers.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
+ -- Laurie Anderson
+%
+Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Tallulah Bankhead barged down the
+Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank.
+ -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
+%
+Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
+Tan me hide when I'm dead.
+So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
+It's hanging there on the shed.
+
+All together now...
+ Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
+ Tie me kangaroo down.
+ Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
+ Tie me kangaroo down.
+%
+Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey
+will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
+ You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination
+ and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull
+ headed. You are a Communist.
+%
+TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20)
+ Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will
+ find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance
+ highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels.
+%
+TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20)
+ Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep,
+ because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will
+ decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday.
+%
+TAX OFFICE:
+ Den of inequity.
+%
+Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't
+tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
+ -- Russell Long
+%
+Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
+out of the market.
+%
+Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
+%
+Taxes, n.:
+ Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
+ an extension.
+%
+TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
+
+Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era.
+Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
+of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
+
+Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs.
+ -- Dave Mills
+%
+Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and,
+when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
+%
+Teachers have class.
+%
+TEAMWORK:
+ Having someone to blame.
+%
+Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
+%
+Technicality, n.:
+ In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in
+ having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir
+ Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the
+ head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the
+ other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was
+ acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges
+ holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not
+ affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow
+is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see
+before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw
+this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole
+being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to
+work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes
+itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
+slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the
+difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program.
+I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for
+a moment and then log off."
+%
+Technological progress has merely provided us
+with more efficient means for going backwards.
+ -- Aldous Huxley
+%
+Teeth for meat are in the mouth --
+Teeth for humans are in the soul.
+A strong body defeats one,
+A strong soul conquers many.
+ -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
+%
+Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to.
+ -- Geoffrey Chaucer
+%
+Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
+you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
+but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't
+already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Telephone, n.:
+ An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of
+ making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Telepression, n.:
+ The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not
+ try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead
+ put the burden on the directory assistant.
+ -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
+%
+Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
+ -- Ernie Kovacs
+%
+Television -- the longest amateur night in history.
+ -- Robert Carson
+%
+Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs.
+ -- Alfred Hitchcock
+%
+Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than
+each other.
+ -- Ann Landers
+%
+Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
+ -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs
+%
+Television is now so desperately hungry for material
+that it is scraping the top of the barrel.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+Television only proves that people will look at anything --
+rather than each other.
+%
+Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll
+believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have
+to touch to be sure.
+%
+Tell me, O Octopus, I begs,
+Is those things arms, or is they legs?
+I marvel at thee, Octopus;
+If I were thou, I'd call me us.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Tell me what to think!!!
+%
+Tell me why the stars do shine,
+Tell me why the ivy twines,
+Tell me why the sky's so blue,
+And I will tell you just why I love you.
+
+ Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
+ Phototropism makes ivy twine,
+ Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
+ Sexual hormones are why I love you.
+%
+Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
+promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
+ -- A. Hope
+%
+Tempt me with a spoon!
+%
+Tempt not a desperate man.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
+%
+Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to
+shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable.
+ When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his
+entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a
+seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out
+of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a
+word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket
+and handed the others to Dutsky.
+ "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen."
+%
+Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
+ -- Napoleon I
+%
+Ten years of rejection slips is nature's
+way of telling you to stop writing.
+ -- R. Geis
+%
+Terence, this is stupid stuff:
+You eat your victuals fast enough;
+There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
+To see the rate you drink your beer.
+But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
+It gives a chap the belly-ache.
+The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
+It sleeps well the horned head:
+We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
+To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
+Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
+Your friends to death before their time.
+Moping, melancholy mad:
+Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave
+school, and then work, work, work till we die.
+ -- C. S. Lewis
+%
+Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising
+amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered
+the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling
+to risk offending God's grandmother.
+ -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
+%
+Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
+pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until
+about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is
+ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
+because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
+fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately
+credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is
+certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind,
+he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and
+contemptuously rejected it.
+ -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
+ [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic
+ Church. Ed.]
+%
+Test for paraquat:
+ Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
+ of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves,
+ leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium
+ bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present,
+ the solution will turn blue-green.
+%
+Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
+%
+TEUTONIC:
+ Not enough gin.
+%
+TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
+century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in
+terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.
+ -- Gordon Bell
+%
+Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
+of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
+"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
+unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter
+the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
+told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach",
+the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
+"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and
+called you from here."
+%
+Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
+ -- Wayne Oakes
+%
+Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
+%
+Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
+one which cannot be justified on any other grounds.
+ -- J. Finnegan, USC
+%
+Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
+ -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
+%
+Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
+%
+That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
+ -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
+%
+That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver.
+ -- Foghorn Leghorn
+%
+That does not compute.
+%
+...that FC loop thing sucks.
+So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits,
+wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!"
+ -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL
+%
+That feeling just came over me.
+ -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler"
+%
+That government is best which governs least.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
+%
+That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
+that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
+in the same way as us.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+That money talks,
+I'll not deny,
+I heard it once,
+It said "Good-bye.
+ -- Richard Armour
+%
+That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
+ -- Moliere
+%
+That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
+%
+That segment of the community with which one has the greatest
+sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most
+narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community.
+%
+That, that is, is.
+That, that is not, is not.
+That, that is, is not that, that is not.
+That, that is not, is not that, that is.
+%
+...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by
+the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
+hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
+A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
+liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
+REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
+ -- Linden and Wihelminalaan
+%
+That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
+%
+That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
+remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not
+write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book.
+ -- Heine
+%
+That's always the way when you discover
+something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.
+ -- Evelyn E. Smith
+%
+That's life.
+ What's life?
+A magazine.
+ How much does it cost?
+Two-fifty.
+ I only have a dollar.
+That's life.
+%
+That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone
+who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that
+thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that
+thing is, so it can't hurt you no more.
+ -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
+%
+"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be
+omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l."
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+That's no moon...
+ -- Obi-wan Kenobi
+%
+That's odd. That's very odd.
+Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
+%
+That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
+ -- Neil Armstrong
+%
+That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
+ -- Woody Allen, on sex
+%
+That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they
+really hate is lousy programmers.
+ -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
+%
+That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows
+returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.
+ -- Bill Veeck
+%
+That's what she said.
+%
+That's where the money was.
+ -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank
+
+It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
+ -- Willie Sutton
+%
+The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
+ -- R. B. Greenberg
+%
+The 357.73 Theory --
+ Auditors always reject expense accounts
+ with a bottom line divisible by 5.
+%
+The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
+%
+The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.
+Don't ever do this to my eyes again.
+ -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
+%
+The Abrams' Principle:
+ The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
+%
+The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.
+ -- T. Cheatham
+%
+The absent ones are always at fault.
+%
+The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.
+ -- A. Camus
+%
+The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman
+%
+The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither
+hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that
+makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain
+undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely
+anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal.
+ -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930
+%
+The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one
+does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home.
+ -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour"
+%
+The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+The Advertising Agency Song:
+
+ When your client's hopping mad,
+ Put his picture in the ad.
+ If he still should prove refractory,
+ Add a picture of his factory.
+%
+The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that
+he is already degraded.
+ -- George Orwell
+%
+The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex
+facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it.
+ -- Whitehead
+%
+The alarm clock that is louder than God's own
+belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
+%
+The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
+For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
+ -- Bart Miller
+%
+The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
+someone with it.
+ -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
+%
+The all-softening overpowering knell,
+The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell.
+ -- Lord Byron
+%
+The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see
+fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.
+ -- Winston Churchill, 1942
+%
+The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends
+to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon.
+
+Film at 11:00.
+%
+The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the
+eagle -- on the back of a dollar.
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne
+%
+The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
+call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
+opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
+ -- Al Capone
+%
+The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the
+pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
+%
+The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured
+in billigrahams.
+%
+The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns
+just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.
+ -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
+%
+The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists
+of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown
+Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and,
+even better, nobody has to play it.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
+ I don't mind... and you don't matter.
+
+ -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
+%
+The Angels want to wear my red shoes.
+ -- E. Costello
+%
+The anger of a woman is the greatest evil
+with which you can threaten your enemies.
+ -- Bonnard
+%
+The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
+sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
+ -- Salvador De Madariaga
+%
+The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.
+ -- Albertano of Brescia
+%
+The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither
+doctors nor lawyers.
+ -- L. Docquier
+%
+The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
+session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
+advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of
+publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle-
+giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
+we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of
+book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the
+field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu-
+ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
+very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
+lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for
+courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S.,
+[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
+arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
+time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
+for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
+then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
+ Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
+ And dare not stray to ideas new,
+ For if t'were tried they might e'en work
+ And for a living what woulds't we do?
+%
+The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
+for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
+bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
+constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
+all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
+neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
+Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
+would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
+desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
+fire-fighting aircraft.
+
+ -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
+%
+The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...
+
+ Four day work week,
+ Two ply toilet paper!
+%
+The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was
+released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers,
+Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
+%
+The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go
+and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals.
+All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
+"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows
+their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again.
+Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
+the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
+logs to multiply."
+%
+The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
+never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive
+and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read
+through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
+ -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
+%
+The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
+Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
+and color, but also on ability.
+ -- T. Lehrer
+%
+The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
+ -- Bill Murray
+%
+The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
+in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
+Declaration not for that, but for future use.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that
+Jupiter can have no satellites:
+
+ There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two
+eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two
+unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent.
+From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven
+metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number
+of planets is necessarily seven. [...]
+ Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and
+therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless
+and therefore do not exist.
+%
+The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
+%
+The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she
+knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
+ -- Ladies' Home Journal
+%
+The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in
+the morning feeling just terrible.
+ -- Jean Kerr
+%
+The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
+%
+The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling
+a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
+%
+The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
+%
+The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from
+one graveyard to another.
+ -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
+%
+The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain
+disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help
+feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is
+their father.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
+average man can see better than he can think.
+%
+The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
+into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
+ -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
+%
+The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that
+carries any reward.
+ -- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by
+people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried
+anything.
+ -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
+%
+The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
+Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
+And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
+ It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
+ -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"
+%
+The bank sent our statement this morning,
+The red ink was a sight of great awe!
+Their figures and mine might have balanced,
+But my wife was too quick on the draw.
+%
+The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
+cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
+difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots,
+which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but --
+here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO
+RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you
+want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking
+lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a
+squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out
+and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault,
+his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was
+neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking
+lots.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit
+called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in
+writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would
+be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices
+immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a
+bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special
+Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of
+paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty
+would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning.
+The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to
+emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood
+Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets."
+ -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
+%
+The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
+And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
+The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
+And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
+These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+THE BEATLES:
+ Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
+%
+The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.
+ -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike
+
+ [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I
+ believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only
+ Memory". Ed.]
+%
+The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
+ -- Maurice Baring
+%
+The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
+but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
+%
+The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England,
+ live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food.
+Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America,
+ live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food.
+The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan,
+ live with a British wife, and eat American food.
+ -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine
+%
+The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+The best defense against logic is ignorance.
+%
+The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion --
+but doesn't.
+ -- Tom Crichton
+%
+The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
+ -- Scotty
+%
+The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
+However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours
+by judging things by their price.
+%
+The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do
+what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with
+them while they do it.
+ -- Theodore Roosevelt
+%
+The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
+%
+The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.
+ -- Blair
+%
+The best man for the job is often a woman.
+%
+The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good
+head waiter.
+ -- Nubar Gulbenkian
+%
+The best portion of a good man's life, his little,
+nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
+ -- Wordsworth
+%
+The best prophet of the future is the past.
+%
+The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
+redoubtable John W. Campbell:
+
+ The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
+ people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
+ dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
+ being read by a corpse.
+%
+The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
+fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
+drifting side by side to our common doom.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected
+company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
+%
+The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
+%
+The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
+%
+The best things in life are for a fee.
+%
+The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
+%
+The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared.
+%
+The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
+%
+The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
+%
+The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
+%
+The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
+is a match.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
+smoke is a right worth dying for.
+%
+The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around
+scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but
+when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward
+way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention.
+Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't
+work either.... They tried it during Prohibition.
+ -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler
+%
+The best you get is an even break.
+ -- Franklin Adams
+%
+The better part of valor is discretion.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity.
+To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
+to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
+It's just that they need more supervision.
+%
+The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could
+never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The Bible on letters of reference:
+
+ Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do
+we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
+No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
+man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
+ -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
+%
+The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.
+ -- Nora Ephron
+%
+The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted
+themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate
+this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are
+hungry all the time?
+%
+The bigger the theory the better.
+%
+The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
+ -- Merrick Furst
+%
+The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are
+working for someone else.
+%
+The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has
+occurred.
+%
+The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ...
+and the bird is on the wing.
+ -- Omar Khayyam
+%
+The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals
+because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage
+and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in
+Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens
+of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage
+containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist
+put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels
+of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
+%
+The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
+%
+The bogosity meter just pegged.
+%
+The bold youth of today is very lonely.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
+ -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
+%
+The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
+half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
+pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
+hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
+for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
+during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
+but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
+%
+The boy stood on the burning deck,
+Eating peanuts by the peck.
+His father called him, but he could not go,
+For he loved those peanuts so.
+%
+The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment
+you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
+%
+The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
+ To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
+ program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
+ one, and convert to the next higher units.
+%
+The British are coming! The British are coming!
+%
+The broad mass of a nation... will more easily
+fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.
+ -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
+%
+The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing
+and humiliating reality.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a
+digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top
+of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean
+the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself.
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
+Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
+automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
+ -- Art Buchwald
+%
+The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
+the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
+ -- Kay Bostic
+%
+The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
+Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
+Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
+time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
+Days of Pompeii."
+
+Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
+beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
+Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
+written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
+
+ It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
+ at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
+ wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
+ lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
+ flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
+%
+The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding
+bureaucracy.
+%
+The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
+flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
+%
+The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better
+people, and don't come in clearly enough.
+ -- Bill Maher
+%
+The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
+sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
+time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
+into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
+with Basil.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
+%
+The camel has a single hump;
+The dromedary two;
+Or else the other way around.
+I'm never sure. Are you?
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly
+greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed
+inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner
+party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The carbonyl is polarized,
+The delta end is plus.
+The nucleophile will thus attack,
+The carbon nucleus.
+Addition makes an alcohol,
+Of types there are but three.
+It makes a bond, to correspond,
+From C to shining C.
+ -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful"
+%
+The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.
+ -- Herbert von Fritzlar
+%
+The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
+%
+The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain.
+ -- G. Fitch
+%
+The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and
+sometimes three.
+ -- Alexandre Dumas
+%
+The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
+at the steam fitters' picnic.
+%
+The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
+ -- Alfred Adler
+%
+The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.
+ -- Picasso
+%
+The church is near but the road is icy,
+the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
+ -- Russian Proverb
+%
+The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
+specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of
+rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine...
+%
+The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
+%
+The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.
+ -- John Muir
+%
+The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity;
+the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a
+military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and
+private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion;
+and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes
+who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity.
+ -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
+%
+The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
+%
+The closest to perfection a person ever comes
+is when he fills out a job application form.
+ -- Stanley J. Randall
+%
+The clothes have no emperor.
+ -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA
+%
+The coast was clear.
+ -- Lope de Vega
+%
+The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his
+intellectual nakedness.
+ -- Robert M. Hutchins
+%
+The Commandments of the EE:
+
+1: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser
+ lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
+ embarrassing manner.
+2: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to
+ be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this
+ earthly vale of tears.
+3: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon
+ which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift
+ thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like
+ a radiator too.
+4: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional
+ shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely
+ unbelievers.
+%
+The Commandments of the EE:
+
+5: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the
+ measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate
+ both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company
+ property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has
+ one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent.
+6: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices,
+ for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring
+ the fury of the engineers on his head.
+7: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy
+ friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling
+ her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee.
+8: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone,
+ for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in
+ thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker
+ sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.
+%
+The Commandments of the EE:
+
+9: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
+ commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
+ frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
+10: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
+ written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
+ and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
+ thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
+11: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
+ unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
+ that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
+ experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
+ innocent-seeming device.
+%
+The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag.
+%
+The computer gets faster! --Moore--
+%
+The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of
+entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and
+50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into
+the 80's.
+ -- Marty Winston
+%
+The computer is to the information industry roughly what the
+central power station is to the electrical industry.
+ -- Peter Drucker
+%
+The Computer made me do it.
+%
+The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been
+defined several times by examples of what it is not.
+%
+The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his
+memos.
+ -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
+%
+The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
+and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting
+language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
+dangerous.
+ -- Bjarne Stroustrup
+%
+The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
+subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
+every bird watcher in the country.
+ -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
+%
+The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better
+than what we've got!
+%
+The Consultant's Curse:
+ When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
+what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong
+medicine, and is normally only required once.
+%
+The control of the production of wealth
+is the control of human life itself.
+ -- Hilaire Belloc
+%
+The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
+none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
+Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
+Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
+talked about.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
+%
+The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
+%
+The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
+%
+The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
+female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
+rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
+would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
+career.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
+%
+The course of true anything never does run smooth.
+ -- Samuel Butler
+%
+The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
+judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
+Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
+ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
+ "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a
+father!"
+%
+The covers of this book are too far apart.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book
+%
+The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
+ -- John McNulty
+%
+The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
+Instruments.
+ -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe"
+%
+The Crown is full of it!
+ -- Nate Harris, 1775
+%
+The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
+be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
+propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
+and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ... In war, then, as in peace,
+assert the freedom of speech and of the press. Cling to this as the bulwark
+of all our rights and privileges.
+ -- William Ellery Channing
+%
+The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the
+words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*.
+ -- Susan Dooley
+%
+The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
+ -- Andy Purshottam
+%
+The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch
+a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
+%
+The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.
+Every class is unfit to govern.
+ -- Lord Acton
+%
+The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
+plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
+Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
+be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
+agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at
+nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal
+that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
+years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
+ -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
+%
+The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
+and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
+%
+The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
+as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of
+the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the
+dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with
+this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine
+doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
+%
+The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction
+to a tedious book.
+%
+The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us
+who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie
+Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
+%
+The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
+%
+The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
+accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
+Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator.
+ -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
+%
+The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
+%
+The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
+Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing".
+%
+The degree of civilization in a society
+can be judged by entering its prisons.
+ -- F. Dostoyevski
+%
+The degree of technical confidence is inversely
+proportional to the level of management.
+%
+The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older
+people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.
+ -- Logan Pearsall Smith
+%
+The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
+successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me,
+and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign
+of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the
+second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
+Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
+into a drawer.
+ Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
+young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
+ The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
+crisis passed.
+ Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
+manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
+ He held another press conference, announcing that the division
+would be restructured. The crisis passed.
+ A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
+blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank
+into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
+ "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
+%
+The descent to Hades is the same from every place.
+ -- Anaxagoras
+%
+The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
+%
+The devil finds work for idle glands.
+%
+The die is cast.
+ -- Gaius Julius Caesar
+%
+The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
+%
+The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
+%
+The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is
+exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into
+the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again,
+it would be a calamity.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+The difference between America and England is, the English think 100
+miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
+%
+The difference between art and science is that science is what we
+understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
+ -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover"
+%
+The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
+thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
+is thinking that they're conspiring.
+ -- J. Kegler
+%
+The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
+called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
+%
+The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
+%
+The difference between legal separation and divorce is
+that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money.
+%
+The difference between reality and unreality
+is that reality has so little to recommend it.
+ -- Allan Sherman
+%
+The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
+requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein
+%
+The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following:
+Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a
+rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when
+swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.
+ -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
+%
+The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When
+you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you
+swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is
+sentimentality.
+ -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
+%
+The difference between the right word and the almost right word
+is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The difference between this place and yogurt
+is that yogurt has a live culture.
+%
+The difference between us is not very far,
+cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.
+%
+The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume.
+ -- T. K.
+%
+The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
+%
+The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in
+the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians
+work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.
+ -- Russell Baker
+%
+The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
+%
+The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
+%
+The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known;
+naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
+following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
+
+ "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish.
+Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is
+Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
+ "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
+Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
+Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
+Macaroons are _\bv_\be_\br_\by Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is
+goyish. Lime soda is _\bv_\be_\br_\by goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that
+Jews won't go near them."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+The distinction between true and false appears to become
+increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.
+ -- Arne Tiselius
+%
+The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
+a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
+%
+The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in
+the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines,
+and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
+ -- John Adams
+%
+The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
+really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
+ -- Gilbert K. Chesterson
+%
+The door is the key.
+%
+The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
+this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
+hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
+the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
+it to his master.
+ "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly.
+ "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim."
+%
+The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance
+of the woman.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
+%
+The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
+%
+The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
+and owns the worm farm.
+ -- Travis McGee
+%
+The early worm gets the late bird.
+%
+The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
+%
+The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and
+add ten percent.
+%
+The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly
+teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
+
+I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it
+or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
+hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
+But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
+valuable possession to him.
+
+I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
+end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
+to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
+have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
+enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
+roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
+would tire of the spectacle eventually.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
+weather forecasters.
+ -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
+%
+The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
+*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
+ -- Mel Brooks
+%
+The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune.
+%
+"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not
+Compute' -- I forget which."
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed
+to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics
+Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With".
+The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the
+Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the
+first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect
+that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking
+over the post of robotics correspondent.
+ Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that
+had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in
+the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics
+Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the
+wall when the revolution came".
+%
+The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
+ -- Buckminster Fuller
+%
+The end of labor is to gain leisure.
+%
+The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of
+civilization.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with
+symposium to follow.
+%
+The ends justify the means.
+ -- after Matthew Prior
+%
+The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind
+of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation
+of these atoms is talking moonshine.
+ -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for
+ the first time
+%
+The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
+in full pursuit of the uneatable.
+ -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
+%
+The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
+their children to speak it.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+The English instinctively admire any man
+who has no talent and is modest about it.
+ -- James Agate, British film and drama critic
+%
+The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
+purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took
+place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
+before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
+all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often
+result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
+relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
+Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.
+
+ A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
+ "What kind of family do you come from?"
+ "A rich, Jewish family."
+ "And your wife?"
+ "A German aristocrat."
+ "Have you ever been to the West?"
+ "I spent most of my life in England."
+ "How did you make a living there?"
+ "A friend supported me."
+ "Where did you get the money from?"
+ "He owned a textile factory."
+ "Who was Lenin?"
+ "Never heard of him."
+ "What is your name?"
+ "Karl Marx."
+%
+The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute
+for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is
+a substitute for intelligence.
+ -- Lyman Bryson
+%
+The eternal feminine draws us upward.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.
+ -- Anne Boleyn
+%
+The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions
+is the most likely to be correct.
+ -- William of Occam
+%
+The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing,
+the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its
+own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god
+of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god
+of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together
+what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas
+everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and
+so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes
+in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died.
+ -- Chuang Tzu
+%
+The eyes of taxes are upon you.
+%
+The eyes of Texas are upon you,
+All the livelong day;
+The eyes of Texas are upon you,
+You cannot get away;
+Do not think you can escape them
+From night 'til early in the morn;
+The eyes of Texas are upon you
+'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
+ -- University of Texas' school song
+%
+The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not
+utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind,
+a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.
+ -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
+%
+The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
+remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
+in general as no other can.
+ -- Wilhelm Reich
+%
+The fact that it works is immaterial.
+ -- L. Ogborn
+%
+The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily
+endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or
+compassion.
+ -- Saul Alinsky
+%
+The fall of the USSR proves you wrong.
+ -- Aryeh M. Friedman
+%
+The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
+%
+The farther you go, the less you know.
+ -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
+%
+The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
+%
+The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
+outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to
+say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
+so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
+so long as they are Tories.
+ -- Christopher Booker
+%
+The faster I go, the behinder I get.
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+The faster we go, the rounder we get.
+ -- The Grateful Dead
+%
+The Fastest Defeat In Chess
+ The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
+master.
+ In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
+Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
+chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
+of their own homes.
+ Lazard was black and Gibaud white:
+ 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3
+ 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4
+ 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5
+ 4: P-KR3, Kt-K6/
+ White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve
+either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
+business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
+lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
+of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
+ "Whaddaya want?"
+ "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
+ "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
+%
+The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer
+and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown
+suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged,
+I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not
+dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the
+quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors,
+and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural
+for them to despise science fiction.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction"
+%
+The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
+wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
+ "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
+you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made
+the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play
+center at Notre Dame."
+ "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five
+times."
+%
+"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his
+supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist,
+anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
+husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
+and become lesbians."
+%
+The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
+ (1) write down the problem.
+ (2) think very hard.
+ (3) write down the answer.
+ -- Murray Gell-Mann
+%
+The Fifth Rule:
+ You have taken yourself too seriously.
+%
+The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
+ -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
+%
+The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons.
+%
+The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
+%
+The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time,
+the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
+%
+The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is
+the Bible.
+ -- John Quincy Adams
+
+All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book;
+but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable
+to man are contained in it.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+
+... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
+life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
+guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
+ -- Woodrow Wilson
+%
+The First Commandment for Technicians:
+ Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
+capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
+untechnician-like manner.
+%
+The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
+ -- Abbie Hoffman
+%
+The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King
+Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a
+tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad
+forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously
+fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of
+threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked
+suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of
+foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead
+one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with
+dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found
+drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown
+and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have
+thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture
+of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left
+in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed
+crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave
+Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when
+a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful
+throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand?
+ -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist
+%
+The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
+and the second half by our children.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence,
+and the second the triumph of hope over experience.
+%
+The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of
+management is that success equals skill.
+ -- Robert Heller
+%
+The first requisite for immortality is death.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem
+%
+The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
+child, was propounded to me by my father:
+ "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and
+whistles?"
+ I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
+gave up.
+ "A herring," said my father.
+ "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
+ "So hang it there."
+ "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
+ "Paint it."
+ "But a herring isn't wet."
+ "If it's just painted it's still wet."
+ "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
+doesn't whistle!!"
+ "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it
+hard."
+ -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
+%
+The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
+ -- Paul Erlich
+%
+The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your
+hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do.
+ -- McCloctnik the Lucid
+%
+The First Rule of Program Optimization:
+ Don't do it.
+
+The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
+ Don't do it yet.
+ -- Michael Jackson
+%
+The first thing I do in the morning
+is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
+%
+The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
+The second, a trick.
+Later, it's a well-established technique!
+ -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
+%
+The first version always gets thrown away.
+%
+The five rules of Socialism:
+
+ 1. Don't think.
+ 2. If you do think, don't speak.
+ 3. If you think and speak, don't write.
+ 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
+ 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
+
+ -- being told in Poland, 1987
+%
+...the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
+%
+The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month"
+%
+The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
+ -- Alan Coult
+%
+The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions
+Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals:
+
+As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of
+logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more
+appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the
+four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector.
+ . . .
+Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible
+blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
+parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
+of the hyper-cube.
+%
+The following statement is not true.
+The previous statement is true.
+%
+The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
+
+ 1. You can't push on a string.
+ 2. Ain't no free lunches.
+ 3. Them as has, gets.
+ 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
+%
+The Force is what holds everything together.
+It has its dark side, and it has its light side.
+It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
+%
+The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money
+completely surrounded by people who want some.
+ -- Dwight MacDonald
+%
+The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe
+because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons
+rests on mutual help.
+ -- Laukikanyay
+%
+The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions
+and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
+%
+The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused
+received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
+%
+The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
+objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
+due to levitation.
+ Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
+if the character does not have fire resistance.
+ -- README file from the NetHack game
+%
+The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and
+vinyl.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
+number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
+%
+The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
+of both parties tactfully interferes.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people,
+but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
+ -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
+%
+The future is a myth created by insurance
+salesmen and high school counselors.
+%
+The future is a race between education and catastrophe.
+ -- H. G. Wells
+%
+The future is going to be boring.
+ -- J. G. Ballard
+%
+The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
+%
+The future lies ahead.
+%
+The future not being born, my friend,
+we will abstain from baptizing it.
+ -- George Meredith
+%
+The garden is in mourning;
+The rain falls cool among the flowers.
+Summer shivers quietly
+On its way towards its end.
+
+Golden leaf after leaf
+Falls from the tall acacia.
+Summer smiles, astonished, feeble,
+In this dying dream of a garden.
+
+For a long while, yet, in the roses,
+She will linger on, yearning for peace,
+And slowly
+Close her weary eyes.
+ -- Hermann Hesse, "September"
+%
+The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
+%
+The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the
+people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people
+drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
+%
+The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
+%
+The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled
+today.
+%
+The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even
+remember her first husband.
+%
+The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress.
+%
+The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear.
+ -- Sophia Loren
+%
+The glances over cocktails
+That seemed to be so sweet
+Don't seem quite so amorous
+Over Shredded Wheat
+%
+The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
+least until we've finished building it.
+%
+The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
+The goal of nature is to build better mice.
+%
+The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
+They gave him love and he invented marriage.
+%
+The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
+is your move.
+ -- Frank Crane
+%
+The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
+ He who has the gold makes the rules.
+%
+The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
+make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
+have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
+man in the bonds of Hell.
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
+to be good.
+ -- John Barrymore
+%
+The good (I am convinced, for one)
+Is but the bad one leaves undone.
+Once your reputation's done
+You can live a life of fun.
+ -- Wilhelm Busch
+%
+The good life was so elusive
+It really got me down
+I had to regain some confidence
+So I got into camouflage
+%
+The good time is approaching,
+The season is at hand.
+When the merry click of the two-base lick
+Will be heard throughout the land.
+The frost still lingers on the earth, and
+Budless are the trees.
+But the merry ring of the voice of spring
+Is borne upon the breeze.
+ -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886
+%
+The Gordian Maxim:
+If a string has one end, it has another.
+%
+The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out
+to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work
+and they can't fire it.
+%
+The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
+statistics. These are raised to the _\bnth degree, the cube roots are
+extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
+displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every
+case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts
+down anything he damn well pleases.
+ -- Sir Josiah Stamp
+%
+The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
+Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
+and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
+%
+The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
+Christian Religion
+ -- George Washington
+%
+The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma,
+with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the
+fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent
+for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied,
+"Send Lord Combermere."
+ "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord
+Combermere a fool."
+ "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon."
+ -- G. W. E. Russell
+%
+The goys have proven the following theorem...
+ -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom
+ lecture.
+%
+The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
+who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
+%
+The grave's a fine and private place,
+but none, I think, do there embrace.
+ -- Andrew Marvell
+%
+The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
+ -- Charles de Gaulle
+%
+The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
+ The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
+courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
+clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
+of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
+Hedgehog Eater.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
+ -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
+With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
+ -- Tea with a Kick (1924)
+
+Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
+GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
+ -- The Wild Party (1929)
+
+YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
+DIX -- the dashing soldier!
+ DIX -- the bold adventurer!
+ DIX -- the throbbing lover!
+ -- The Wheel of Life (1929)
+
+SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
+SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
+ -- The Night is Young (1934)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
+unimaginable hell.
+ -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)
+
+NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
+ -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)
+
+LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF
+SLAUGHTER!
+ -- Five Bloody Graves (1969)
+
+The family that slays together stays together.
+ -- Bloody Mama (1970)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
+ -- Squirm (1976)
+
+Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
+This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
+ -- The New House on the Left (1977)
+
+WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
+ -- Zombie (1980)
+
+It's not human and it's got an axe.
+ -- The Prey (1981)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
+SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
+... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
+ -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)
+
+An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
+ -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)
+
+WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
+RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
+Alone, only a harmless pet...
+ One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
+ -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)
+
+They're Over-Exposed
+But Not Under-Developed!
+ -- Cover Girl Models (1976)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE!
+ -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959)
+
+Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST?
+Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep.
+ -- Untamed Mistress (1960)
+
+NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE
+FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI!
+ -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
+ -- The Cycle Savages (1969)
+
+The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
+ -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
+
+TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
+ -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
+
+They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
+ -- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
+of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear
+you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
+ -- Spitfire (1934)
+
+Do Native Women Live With Apes?
+ -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)
+
+JUNGLE KISS!!
+ When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
+was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
+she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
+spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
+was a girl in love!
+ SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
+ -- Her Jungle Love (1938)
+
+LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
+ -- Intermezzo (1939)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
+ -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)
+
+She Sins in Mobile --
+Marries in Houston --
+Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
+Leaves Her Husband in Tucson --
+MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
+FIRST -- HARLOW!
+THEN -- MONROE!
+NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
+ -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
+
+*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
+A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
+1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
+ -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
+ The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
+ Became Mixed Up Zombies)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
+-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
+-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
+-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
+-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
+ SEE the burning of a virgin!
+ SEE power of witch doctor over women!
+ SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
+ -- Kwaheri (1965)
+
+The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
+ -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
+
+AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
+A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
+ The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
+give you the wim-wams!
+ -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
+SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
+SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
+ -- Sweet and Savage (1983)
+
+What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
+ -- Stroker Ace (1983)
+
+It's always better when you come again!
+ -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
+
+You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
+ -- Pieces (1983)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
+on a roaring rampage of revenge!
+ -- Bury Me an Angel (1972)
+
+WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB
+SAUSAGES?
+ -- Meat is Meat (1972)
+
+TODAY the Pond!
+TOMORROW the World!
+ -- Frogs (1972)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
+ -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)
+
+CAST OF 3,000!
+4 WRITERS,
+2 DIRECTORS,
+3 CAMERAMEN,
+3 PRODUCERS!
+1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
+24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
+20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
+ BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
+ AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
+THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
+Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to:
+ HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
+ -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the
+ Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms!
+ -- Bwana Devil (1952)
+
+OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING!
+Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of
+the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
+Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World!
+ SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
+ -- Robot Monster (1953)
+
+1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
+802 scared bulls!
+ -- The Egyptian (1954)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
+horror on a screaming world!
+ -- The Crawling Eye (1958)
+
+SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs,
+giant desires!
+ -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)
+
+Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
+What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
+Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
+ -- The Desperate Women (1958)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure!
+SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer!
+ -- The Golden Mistress (1954)
+
+See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out!
+ -- The French Line (1954)
+
+See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE!
+ -- Hot Blood (1956)
+%
+The Great Movie Posters:
+
+When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make
+Friends...
+ -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)
+
+Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
+ -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
+
+A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
+OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
+ -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
+%
+The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
+like prostitutes.
+ -- Stanley Kubrick
+%
+The great question that has never been answered and which I have not
+yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
+feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
+ -- Sigmund Freud
+%
+The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
+At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
+answered themselves.
+ -- Arthur Binstead
+%
+The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men
+of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.
+ -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
+%
+The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers
+is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
+%
+The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.
+ -- Sophocles
+%
+The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them
+before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see
+the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp
+their wives and daughters to his arms.
+ -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
+%
+The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
+ -- Polish proverb
+%
+The Greatest Mathematical Error
+ The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
+July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
+give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
+would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
+corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
+scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
+ However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
+plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
+ Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
+the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch
+spokesman said.
+ This minus sign cost L4,280,000.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
+%
+The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein
+%
+The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
+%
+The groundhog is like most other prophets;
+it delivers its message and then disappears.
+%
+The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead,
+thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature
+would have been useful to the chicken.
+
+ -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction"
+%
+The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
+ -- J. K. Galbraith
+%
+The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
+success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
+%
+The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when
+you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
+%
+The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty
+deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the
+author's name on the title page.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831)
+%
+The hatred of relatives is the most violent.
+ -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
+%
+The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality
+of functions performed by private citizens.
+ -- Alexis de Tocqueville
+%
+The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
+whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
+%
+The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of.
+ -- Blaise Pascal
+%
+The heart is wiser than the intellect.
+%
+...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
+%
+The heaviest object in the world is the
+body of the woman you have ceased to love.
+ -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues
+%
+The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
+ You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
+%
+The help people need most urgently is
+help in admitting that they need help.
+%
+The herd instinct among economists
+makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
+%
+The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
+challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
+keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
+itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
+of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems,
+is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
+adventurous youth.
+ -- Benjamin Cardozo
+%
+The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,
+which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at
+least 5000 years old."
+%
+The higher you climb, the more you show your ass.
+ -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad"
+%
+The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
+three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
+Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For
+instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we
+eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
+have lunch?".
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
+%
+The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
+are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus:
+
+Retribution:
+ I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
+Anticipation:
+ I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
+Diplomacy:
+ I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
+ pretext that your brother did it.
+%
+The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease
+to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and
+she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
+ -- Bill Lawrence
+%
+The horror... the horror!
+%
+The human animal differs from the lesser
+primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".
+ -- H. Allen Smith
+%
+The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment
+you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
+ -- Sir George Jessel
+%
+The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
+has gills through which it can see.
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of
+its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
+%
+The human mind treats a new idea the way the
+body treats a strange protein: it rejects it.
+ -- P. Medawar
+%
+The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can remember.
+Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider struggling to weave
+its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in spring, the shark reveals to
+us yet another of the infinite and wonderful facets of nature, namely the
+facet that it can bite your head off. This causes us humans to feel a
+certain degree of awe.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that
+procession but carrying a banner.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
+ -- David Gerrold
+%
+The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons
+that what she doesn't know won't hurt him.
+ -- Leo J. Burke
+%
+The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
+if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
+ -- D. Cohen
+%
+The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".
+ -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
+%
+The idea is to die young as late as possible.
+ -- Ashley Montague
+%
+The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
+tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
+it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
+ -- Doug Gwyn
+%
+The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
+devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers,
+where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with
+sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed,
+consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than
+have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones
+repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist
+of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic
+devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!"
+ -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
+%
+The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance,
+no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.
+ -- Harry V. Wade
+%
+The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they
+are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally
+understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.
+ -- John Maynard Keynes
+%
+The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
+ -- Franco Spisani
+%
+The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
+%
+The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
+ -- Quintus Ennius
+%
+The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit
+longer.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
+ A program is a lot like a nose:
+ Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
+%
+The important thing is not to stop questioning.
+%
+The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
+%
+The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
+has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
+when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
+point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
+important thing to people.
+ -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
+%
+The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is
+a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
+the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And
+there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a
+pointer and a mark.
+ -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
+%
+The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the
+number of participants.
+ -- Adam Walinsky
+%
+The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling
+the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without
+affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new
+style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into
+manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and
+constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by
+overturning everything.
+ -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
+%
+The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of
+the group divided by the number of people in the group.
+%
+The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
+information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a
+dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a
+real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.
+
+So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never
+pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big
+consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They
+treat the Arabs like postmen.
+ -- Franklyn Ajaye
+%
+The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain,
+knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the
+Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight.
+ "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The
+good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's
+still in."
+%
+The Junior God now heads the roll
+In the list of heaven's peers;
+He sits in the House of High Control,
+And he regulates the spheres.
+Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
+If, even in gods divine,
+The best and wisest may not be those
+Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
+ -- R. W. Service
+%
+The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable
+debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
+revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
+quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
+resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
+workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
+Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
+to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
+hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
+nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
+goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
+drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
+ -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
+ Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
+ Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
+ 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
+%
+The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems:
+there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud.
+ -- Andrew Hume
+%
+The Kennedy Constant:
+ Don't get mad -- get even.
+%
+The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.
+ -- L. Zadeh
+%
+The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal
+an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's
+advantage to see the truth.
+ -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer
+%
+The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
+%
+The kind of danger people most enjoy is
+the kind they can watch from a safe place.
+%
+The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field:
+
+King: "How goes the battle plan?"
+Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?"
+K: "Yes."
+A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
+ to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till
+ the dust clears."
+K: "And?"
+A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
+K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?"
+A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
+%
+The knowledge that makes us cherish
+innocence makes innocence unattainable.
+ -- Irving Howe
+%
+The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is
+the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free
+world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher
+dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person
+per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill
+really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and
+drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle.
+I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined.
+And now, just look at me."
+%
+The ladies men admire, I've heard,
+Would shudder at a wicked word.
+Their candle gives a single light;
+They'd rather stay at home at night.
+They do not keep awake till three,
+Nor read erotic poetry.
+They never sanction the impure,
+Nor recognize an overture.
+They shrink from powders and from paints...
+So far, I've had no complaints.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry.
+Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
+%
+The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9.
+ -- Werner Trobin
+%
+The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
+everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
+%
+The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
+%
+The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
+ -- Blaise Pascal
+%
+The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own
+hand.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word
+processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."
+ -- Roy Blount, Jr.
+%
+The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away.
+ -- Governor Tarkin
+%
+The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
+to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+The Law of the Letter:
+ The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
+%
+The Law of the Perversity of Nature:
+ You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
+%
+The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
+law free.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men
+should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal
+weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine
+we own.
+ -- H. G. Wells
+%
+The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
+ The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
+most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
+give a public reading of his latest poem.
+ Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
+Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
+Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
+ Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
+and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
+the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
+turn."
+ After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
+Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
+lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
+Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
+on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
+much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
+ Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem
+exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
+their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
+be better."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Animal Rescue
+ The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal
+rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over
+emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
+lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a
+tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty.
+So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
+later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Collector
+ Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
+was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
+amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
+works of Shakespeare.
+ One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
+legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
+remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
+ The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
+the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the
+French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Defrosting Device
+ The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
+whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
+ "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
+got stuck fast."
+ While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
+was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
+ "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
+muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
+ He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
+constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
+Lips".
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement
+ In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish
+Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality
+legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay
+enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for
+men and women.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Executions
+ History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
+The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were
+made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope
+snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
+and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
+punishment, he was reprieved.
+ The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
+tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
+occasion failed to get the trap door open.
+ In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
+Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated
+to America and lived until 1933.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Least Successful Police Dogs
+ America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking
+schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida
+in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or
+offend the criminal classes.
+ His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up
+and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him."
+ The British contenders in this category, however, took things a
+stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug
+raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in
+1967.
+ While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they
+patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the
+fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at
+him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+The less time planning, the more time programming.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
+
+ SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
+Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College
+for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
+code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
+END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
+syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful, thus achieving
+the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
+frustrating process of testing and debugging.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
+
+ This otherwise unremarkable language, originally developed in San
+Francisco, is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set;
+users must substitute "TH". LITHP is thaid to be utheful in protheththing
+lithtth.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
+
+ SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
+Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile,
+SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the beans. Forty-
+three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals
+while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers
+often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL
+
+ From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
+Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
+industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
+Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
+operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
+accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
+
+ LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
+ IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
+ GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
+ VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
+ THEN
+ FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
+ DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
+ SURE
+ LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
+ GOTO THE MALL
+
+ VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
+example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
+message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
+AWESOME!
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO
+
+ Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
+DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
+SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy
+graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as
+it travels across the screen.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
+
+ Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
+unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are.
+Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
+programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
+
+ This language was named for the grade received by its creator when
+he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
+best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language
+generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute
+a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH
+
+ FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
+refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
+FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands
+refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
+VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
+ The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
+financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and
+LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, THUNDERBIRD,
+RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
+who end up using this language.
+%
+THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5 -- LAIDBACK
+
+ LAIDBACK was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for
+T'ai Chi, Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
+intense languages of nearby Silicon Valley.
+ The Center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
+while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there long,
+since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier.
+ Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
+gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
+syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN, I JUST CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
+%
+The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+The life which is unexamined is not worth living.
+ -- Plato
+%
+The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
+train.
+%
+The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
+%
+The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
+%
+The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come
+%
+The lion and the calf shall lie down
+together but the calf won't get much sleep.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll.
+She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love.
+ -- DeGourmont
+%
+The little pieces of my life I give to you,
+with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold.
+%
+The little town that time forgot,
+Where all the women are strong,
+The men are good-looking,
+And the children above-average.
+ -- Prairie Home Companion
+%
+The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
+door with a basket of kittens.
+ "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
+ "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
+Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little
+girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
+ "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
+ "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
+ "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
+ "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
+%
+The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues,
+for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be
+simply making a limiting statement about himself.
+ -- Sidney Harris
+%
+The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The longer the title, the less important the job.
+%
+The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.
+ -- Marcus Terentius Varro
+%
+The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
+we could with both of them.
+ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
+Indian Giver be the name of the Lord.
+%
+The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes
+so many of them.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
+the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
+her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
+Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
+steel through your last meal!"
+ -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
+%
+The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
+%
+The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
+Are of imagination all compact...
+ -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
+%
+The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
+%
+The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
+ -- Kevin Cowherd
+%
+The major advances in civilization are processes
+that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.
+ -- A. N. Whitehead
+%
+The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the
+bonds will eventually mature.
+%
+The major sin is the sin of being born.
+ -- Samuel Beckett
+%
+The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play
+the violin.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.
+The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of
+consistency.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+The makers may make,
+And the users may use,
+But the fixers must fix
+With but minimal clues.
+%
+The man she had was kind and clean
+And well enough for every day,
+But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
+The one that got away.
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
+%
+The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
+ The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
+Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
+invented it.
+ In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
+American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
+ The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
+After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze
+-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room.
+ "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the
+point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves
+the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is
+not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved
+that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and
+sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.
+The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever
+been.
+ -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
+%
+The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
+ -- Menander
+%
+The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
+ -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time"
+%
+The man who runs may fight again.
+ -- Menander
+%
+The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount
+Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed.
+ -- Old Japanese proverb
+%
+The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
+will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The man who understands one woman is
+qualified to understand pretty well everything.
+ -- Yeats
+%
+The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has
+to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
+ -- Will Rogers
+
+The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
+ -- Vice President John Nance Garner
+%
+The Marines:
+ The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
+%
+The Marines:
+ The few, the proud, the not very bright.
+%
+The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning
+wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city.
+ -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
+%
+The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause,
+while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
+ -- Wilhelm Stekel
+%
+The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice
+and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the
+master calls a butterfly.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
+husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
+are one, and that one is Marxism.
+ -- Heidi Hartmann,
+ "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism"
+%
+The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
+%
+The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
+soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car
+which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
+%
+The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest.
+ -- Bulwer
+%
+The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time.
+%
+The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers,
+always end up on their ends without any means.
+ -- Saul Alinsky
+%
+The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out.
+Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
+%
+The meek don't want it.
+%
+The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that
+time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
+ -- J. P. Getty
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the Earth.
+(But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
+%
+The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
+%
+The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two
+chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
+ -- Carl G. Jung
+%
+[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be
+undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful
+for impotency.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said,
+ "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
+ "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
+ "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
+%
+The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
+devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
+ -- Lew Mammel, Jr.
+%
+The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange
+System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following
+error:
+
+The operation completed successfully.
+
+For more information, see Help and Support Center at
+http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp.
+%
+The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
+%
+The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another
+mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same
+being who produces the impressions.
+ -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade
+%
+The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
+general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
+any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
+not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
+Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer
+Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its
+predictive power.
+ -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
+ Thinking"
+%
+The Modelski Chain Rule:
+1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
+ head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
+ Hewlett-Packard.
+2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
+ bright-looking individual.
+3: Procure a large chain.
+4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
+ with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
+ Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
+ thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
+%
+The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
+themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
+of the bicuspids?"
+ -- The Old Man and his Bridge
+%
+The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me.
+ -- Nicol Williamson
+%
+The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
+%
+The moon is made of green cheese.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
+%
+The Moral Majority is neither.
+%
+The more control, the more that requires control.
+%
+The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater
+the odds that the competition already has the order.
+%
+The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
+%
+The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the
+lower the mailing cost.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+The more I know men the more I like my horse.
+%
+The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
+ -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696)
+%
+The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
+ -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+The more laws and order are made prominent,
+the more thieves and robbers there will be.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+The more the merrier.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+The more they over-think the plumbing
+the easier it is to stop up the drain.
+%
+The more things change, the more they remain the same.
+ -- Alphonse Karr
+%
+The more things change, the more they stay insane.
+%
+The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
+%
+The more we disagree, the more chance
+there is that at least one of us is right.
+%
+The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
+%
+The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
+%
+The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
+First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
+three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
+%
+The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
+%
+The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
+ -- Andy Warhol
+%
+The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
+%
+The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to
+exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but
+rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and
+flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst
+have the good fortune to find one.
+ -- Carlyle
+%
+The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
+family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number
+of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
+ -- Derek Wills
+%
+The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately
+in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
+ -- American proverb
+%
+The most dangerous organization in America today is:
+
+ a) The KKK
+ b) The American Nazi Party
+ c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
+%
+The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
+the country is the one on which you resell it.
+ -- J. Brecheux
+%
+The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
+is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
+%
+The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
+to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
+ -- Theodore H. White
+%
+The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding.
+%
+The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
+not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
+ -- Alfred De Musset
+%
+The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
+discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
+ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
+it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
+woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
+the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
+bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
+in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
+starts a long, long time before the event.
+ -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
+ from "Congress Eate It Up"
+%
+...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man:
+freshman English at a Midwestern university.
+ -- Tom Wolfe
+%
+The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union
+of a deaf man to a blind woman.
+ -- Samuel T. Coleridge
+%
+The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
+%
+The most important early product on the way
+to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
+%
+The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
+people to approach printed matter with distrust.
+%
+The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
+is that one of them be good at taking orders.
+ -- Linda Festa
+%
+The most important things, each person must do for himself.
+%
+The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
+ -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I"
+%
+The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
+conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
+participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
+organization.
+ The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
+organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
+orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
+know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
+every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
+ But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New*
+New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
+ A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
+Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
+weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning,
+a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
+with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
+Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
+white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or
+so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
+or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real
+possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
+lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
+demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their
+astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
+an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
+radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
+existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
+and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
+broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'"
+ -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
+%
+The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
+served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
+been found.
+ -- Calvin Trillin
+%
+The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the
+biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to
+them were fishermen.
+ -- Arthur Binstead
+%
+The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible
+ The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert
+Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained
+several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from
+the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority,
+to commit adultery.
+ Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote
+country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined
+the printers L3,000.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little
+children for their insurance money.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
+%
+The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
+ Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit
+Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
+ Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.
+%
+The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
+perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love
+seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
+%
+The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.
+ -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
+%
+The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
+1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
+ Support your right to bare arms!
+%
+The nearer to the church, the further from God.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it.
+ -- John Gilmore
+%
+The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded
+in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but
+occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!
+ -- James "Kibo" Parry
+%
+The net of law is spread so wide,
+No sinner from its sweep may hide.
+Its meshes are so fine and strong,
+They take in every child of wrong.
+O wondrous web of mystery!
+Big fish alone escape from thee!
+ -- James Jeffrey Roche
+%
+The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
+I hope I don't get run over again.
+%
+The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
+doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
+%
+THE NEW RIGHT:
+ A javelin team that elects to receive.
+%
+The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
+in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
+
+ But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
+ for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
+
+ -- Matthew 5:37
+%
+The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
+Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
+The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
+and running the country ...
+ -- Robert J. Woodhead
+%
+The next person to mention spaghetti stacks
+to me is going to have his head knocked off.
+ -- Bill Conrad
+%
+The next thing I say to you will be true.
+The last thing I said was false.
+%
+The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
+ -- Lucille S. Harper
+%
+The nice thing about standards
+is that there are so many of them to choose from.
+ -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
+%
+The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
+%
+The night passes quickly when you're asleep
+But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
+...
+Breakfast at the Egg House,
+Like the waffle on the griddle,
+I'm burnt around the edges,
+But I'm tender in the middle.
+ -- Adrian Belew
+%
+The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered
+rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen
+bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim,
+'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
+ -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest
+%
+The notion of a "record" is an obsolete
+remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
+ -- Dennis M. Ritchie
+%
+The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
+serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
+these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
+function is to serve as checks upon the state.
+ -- Alan Barth
+%
+The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
+correct.
+ -- Ralph Hartley
+%
+The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely
+proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
+%
+The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
+of the barbecue.
+%
+The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
+increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
+%
+The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
+ -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
+%
+The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post
+is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer
+is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country.
+ -- Robert Woodhead
+%
+The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze
+all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have
+answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems
+when called upon.
+ However...
+When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
+yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.
+%
+The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
+%
+The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on business cards:
+
+ Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the
+ Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director
+ of Corporate Planning."
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
+
+ Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
+ you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
+ is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
+ unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
+%
+The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
+
+ Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy
+ remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
+ some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
+ like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
+ office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
+ god at 8:15 the next morning.
+%
+The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds
+is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been
+more like fourteen.
+ -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire"
+%
+The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the
+New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that
+they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
+ "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have
+taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!"
+%
+THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time
+to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the
+floor.
+
+"Sorry," he said with a smile.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
+%
+The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
+Let the reader catch his own breath.
+ -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
+%
+The older I grow, the more I distrust the
+familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The one good thing about repeating your
+mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
+%
+The one L lama, he's a priest
+The two L llama, he's a beast
+And I will bet my silk pyjama
+There isn't any three L lllama.
+ -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally
+ his department responded to something like a "three L lllama."
+%
+The One Page Principle:
+ A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper
+ cannot be understood.
+ -- Mark Ardis
+%
+The one sure way to make a lazy man look
+respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand.
+%
+The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed.
+ -- Abbey Hoffman
+%
+The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
+ -- Pliny the Elder
+%
+The only constant is change.
+%
+The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a
+right turn on a red light.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is
+that the car salesman knows he's lying.
+%
+The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
+%
+The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that
+every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The only difference in the game of love over the last few
+thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.
+ -- The Indianapolis Star
+%
+The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look
+respectable.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal.
+The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may
+experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and
+thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever
+could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very
+swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels
+much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of
+oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach
+it and are delighted.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is
+that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences;
+beyond this they have no legitimacy.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
+The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
+is your husband.
+%
+The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
+mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
+the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
+like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
+ -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
+%
+The only people who make love all the time are liars.
+ -- Louis Jordan
+%
+The only perfect science is hind-sight.
+%
+The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
+%
+The only possible interpretation of any research
+whatever in the "social sciences" is: some do, some don't.
+ -- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+The only problem with being a man of leisure
+is that you can never stop and take a rest.
+%
+The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
+ -- Phaedrus
+%
+The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
+be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
+be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think
+you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
+ -- Bill Veeck
+%
+The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a
+plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal
+other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable.
+ -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On"
+%
+The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it.
+%
+The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
+for getting acquainted.
+ -- Heywood Broun
+%
+The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
+ -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
+ Over and Over"
+%
+The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
+%
+The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber
+has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture,
+finished, and put inside boxes.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise
+of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock.
+ -- Colette
+%
+The only reward of virtue is virtue.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The only rose without thorns is friendship.
+%
+The only thing better than love is milk.
+%
+The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
+%
+The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches
+us nothing.
+ -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
+%
+The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that
+the first one was useless.
+ -- Nicolas Chamfort
+%
+The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
+ -- Earl Warren
+
+That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
+the lessons that history has to teach.
+ -- Aldous Huxley
+
+We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
+ -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
+
+HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
+nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
+this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
+ -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
+%
+The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from
+history.
+ -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
+
+I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the
+long view.
+ -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
+%
+The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
+he has lost over the years.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
+ -- C. Schultz
+%
+The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge
+and guilt.
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+The only way to amuse some people
+is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
+%
+The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
+drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
+ -- David Gerrold
+%
+The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt
+in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together.
+ -- Jean de la Bruyere
+%
+The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up
+until 5 or 6 PM.
+%
+The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite
+of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is
+waiting.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds,
+and the pessimist knows it.
+ -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
+
+Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking
+almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all
+possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
+ -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
+%
+The optimum committee has no members.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+The opulence of the front office door varies
+inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
+%
+The orders come down and they march us away.
+There's a battle outside and we join in the fray.
+God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day,
+But it's better than working for Xerox.
+ -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask"
+%
+The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
+went back in time.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+The other line moves faster.
+%
+The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
+a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
+with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
+English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
+pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
+head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
+table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
+dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
+went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
+evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
+a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
+never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
+%
+The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
+%
+The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add.
+ -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
+%
+The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
+she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
+ "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
+ "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
+%
+The past always looks better than it was.
+It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
+%
+The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
+were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The people sensible enough to give
+good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
+%
+The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly --
+not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you
+waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are.
+In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the
+person you have always wanted to be.
+ -- Nancy Friday
+%
+The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
+ -- Charles Pierce
+%
+The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner,
+but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that
+quality of joy.
+ -- Erica Jong
+%
+The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
+%
+The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.
+%
+The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
+%
+The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
+%
+The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip
+market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
+is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
+ -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
+%
+The philosopher's treatment of a question
+is like the treatment of an illness.
+ -- Wittgenstein
+%
+The Phone Booth Rule:
+ A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
+%
+The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
+Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
+Let others think his heart is big,
+I think it stupid of the Pig.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter swang
+and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the batter
+connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The center
+fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute his eyes were
+blound by the sun and he dropped it.
+ -- Dizzy Dean
+%
+The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose.
+ -- David Lardner
+%
+The Poems, all three hundred of them,
+may be summed up in one of their phrases:
+"Let our thoughts be correct".
+ -- Confucius
+%
+The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
+ The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
+Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
+verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
+ In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
+work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
+lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
+ High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
+rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
+the higher emotions.
+ She would me "Honey" call,
+ She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
+ But now alas! She's left me
+ Falero, lero, loo.
+ Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
+was her prudent choice of footwear.
+ The fives did fit her shoe.
+ In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
+the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
+Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
+begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
+"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
+worst poet in England."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war,
+and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
+ -- Celine
+%
+The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
+trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and
+save your sanity for later.
+%
+The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish to be
+addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it is equally
+important to accept and tolerate different standards of courtesy, not
+expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own preferences. Only then can
+we hope to restore the insult to its proper social function of expressing
+true distaste.
+ -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
+ Correct Behavior"
+%
+The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment.
+To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.
+ -- Buckminster Fuller
+%
+The pollution's at that awkward stage.
+Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.
+ -- Doug Sneyd
+%
+The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more
+often.
+%
+The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.
+ -- Anthony Burgess
+%
+The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor
+prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
+or to the people.
+ -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
+%
+The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
+ Were each of them once a kiddie.
+A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
+ Do I want one? God Forbiddie!
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his
+brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is
+Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
+ -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter
+%
+The prettiest women are almost always the most
+boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+The price of greatness is responsibility.
+%
+The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday
+they might force their beliefs on us.
+ -- Mario Cuomo
+%
+The price of success in philosophy is triviality.
+ -- C. Glymour
+%
+The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
+knowledge of its ugly side.
+ -- James Baldwin
+%
+The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
+warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by
+changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped
+marker.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+The primary function of the design engineer is to make things
+difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
+%
+The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants;
+instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
+variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead
+of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the
+program, should the value of pi change.
+ -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
+%
+The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough
+voters to win the next election.
+%
+The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO"
+represents the secondary theme:
+
+ Law Enforcement Officials
+
+The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
+
+ Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
+ -- M. Gallaher
+%
+The probability of someone watching you is directly
+proportional to the stupidity of your action.
+%
+The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with.
+Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil
+using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle
+Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats,
+etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous
+bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None
+of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats
+developed cancer.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed,
+a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.
+ -- Mike Smith
+%
+The problem with any unwritten law is that
+you don't know where to go to erase it.
+ -- Glaser and Way
+%
+The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have
+to sleep every few days.
+%
+The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
+time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my
+government because they could not keep up.
+ -- Idi Amin Dada
+%
+The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that
+for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good
+requires intent.
+%
+The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
+be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
+ -- Elizabeth Taylor
+%
+The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
+%
+The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
+for incompetence.
+%
+The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
+particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
+with sloppy English.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
+stable business.
+ -- John Steinbeck
+%
+The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
+%
+The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel
+and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a
+horse.
+ -- Jac Goudsmit
+%
+The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper
+thoughts about their neighbours.
+ -- F. H. Bradley
+%
+The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's
+outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake
+since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its
+victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before
+running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit
+raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no
+certainties.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
+%
+The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but
+because it gave pleasure to the spectators.
+ -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
+%
+The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're
+not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not
+engineers.
+%
+The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's:
+ "My brain is paged out to my liver"
+%
+The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
+%
+The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to
+join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its
+attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every
+sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good
+whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot
+contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them
+remain each in their own position.
+ -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
+ Queen Victoria
+%
+The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
+it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
+that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
+industrial waste?
+ -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
+%
+The questions remain the same.
+The answers are eternally variable.
+%
+The Rabbits The Cow
+Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk;
+That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The race is not always to the swift, nor the
+battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
+ -- Damon Runyon
+%
+The rain it raineth on the just
+And also on the unjust fella:
+But chiefly on the just, because
+The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
+ -- Lord Bowen
+%
+The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.
+%
+The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise
+measurement of the speed of blight.
+%
+The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
+illiterates can read.
+ -- Alberto Moravia
+%
+The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is
+cursed.
+%
+The real man's Bloody Mary:
+ Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire
+ sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
+
+ Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
+ Throw all the other ingredients away.
+%
+The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys.
+%
+The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.
+ -- Christopher Morley
+%
+The real reason large families benefit society is because at least
+a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
+%
+The real reason psychology is hard is that
+psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
+%
+The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
+%
+The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
+%
+The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose",
+which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape
+Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
+Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
+%
+The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
+ -- Don Rose
+%
+The reason that every major university maintains a department of
+mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
+people.
+%
+The reason they're called wisdom teeth
+is that the experience makes you wise.
+%
+The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
+absolutely not.
+ -- Bill Gates
+%
+The reason why worry kills more people
+than work is that more people worry than work.
+%
+The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
+persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
+progress depends on the unreasonable man.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
+financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
+a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
+industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
+nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
+ -- Paul Erdman's Money Book
+%
+The relative importance of files depends on their cost
+in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.
+ -- T. A. Dolotta
+%
+The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
+of a Dodge Dart.
+ -- Lisa Alther
+%
+The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
+Called a hen a most elegant creature.
+ The hen, pleased with that,
+ Laid an egg in his hat --
+And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+The reverse side also has a reverse side.
+ -- Japanese proverb
+%
+The revolution will not be televised.
+%
+The reward for working hard is more hard work.
+%
+The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+The rhino is a homely beast,
+For human eyes he's not a feast.
+Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
+I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
+The haves get more, the have-nots die.
+%
+The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
+This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
+%
+The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests
+and to his imagination for his facts.
+ -- Sheridan
+%
+The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
+taken seriously.
+ -- Hubert H. Humphrey
+%
+The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
+ -- Justice Douglas
+%
+The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
+ -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
+%
+The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared
+for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his
+infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and
+upon the successful management of which so much remains.
+ -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist
+%
+The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
+House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights
+you have and what rights you have not got.
+ -- J. Parnell Thomas
+%
+The ripest fruit falls first.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+The road to Hades is easy to travel.
+ -- Bion
+%
+The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with
+sloppy analysis!
+%
+The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
+ -- J. Gooding
+%
+The road to ruin is always in good repair,
+and the travellers pay the expense of it.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+The Roman Rule
+ The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
+ one who is doing it.
+%
+The root of all superstition is that men
+observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
+%
+The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in
+his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on
+one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't
+take it too seriously.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
+give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
+ -- Jane Bryant Quinn
+%
+The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
+can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
+it through power, violence or weapons.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+The rules:
+
+1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
+2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
+ the console keyboard.
+3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
+ card decks together.
+4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
+ especially if you're already married.
+5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
+ a stool to reach another disk pack.
+6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
+ shift.
+7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
+ files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
+8: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job.
+9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
+10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
+%
+The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.
+That does not raise my apprehensions one iota.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market
+award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
+gesture by the individual to himself.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
+%
+The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
+%
+The savior becomes the victim.
+%
+The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.
+
+Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'.
+Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."
+
+Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
+%
+"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
+%
+The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
+showed that all had these things in common:
+
+ (1) They all had moderate appetites.
+ (2) They all came from middle class homes.
+ (3) All but two of them were dead.
+%
+The scum also rises.
+ -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+The sealed-paper-in-a-safe thing is only your last resort if all your
+password-knowers get hit by a redundant array of inexperienced busdrivers.
+ -- jpd on comp.unix.freebsd.bsd.misc
+%
+The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
+a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
+of civilization.
+ -- T. K.
+%
+The second best policy is dishonesty.
+%
+The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
+ If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
+ -- Jim Warner
+%
+The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
+%
+The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
+%
+The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that,
+you've got it made.
+ -- Jean Giraudoux
+%
+The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow;
+there is no humor in Heaven.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
+beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
+ -- Harry Skelton
+%
+The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes,
+respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones
+from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
+millstones are lifted.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
+reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray
+Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
+of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
+him are dead, he is alive.
+ Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
+everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
+host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
+equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
+ "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
+ Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
+ -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
+%
+The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth,
+and sixth years.
+%
+The sheep died in the wool.
+%
+The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
+%
+The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
+%
+The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
+%
+The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
+ -- Noelie Alito
+%
+The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.
+ -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
+%
+The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft
+voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity.
+ -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907
+%
+The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
+ The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going
+in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long
+way.)
+ -- Dan Roddick
+%
+The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
+ -- [just say that five times...]
+%
+The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
+ -- Judge Harold T. Stone
+%
+The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
+%
+The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing,
+And surly Winter grimly flies.
+Now crystal clear are the falling waters,
+And bonnie blue are the sunny skies.
+Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning,
+The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell:
+All creatures joy in the sun's returning,
+And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell.
+
+The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer,
+The yellow Autumn presses near;
+Then in his turn come gloomy Winter,
+Till smiling Spring again appear.
+Thus seasons dancing, life advancing,
+Old Time and Nature their changes tell;
+But never ranging, still unchanging,
+I adore my bonnie Bell.
+ -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell"
+%
+The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an
+"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers
+while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference --
+one can see only a very few things at once.
+ -- Frederick Brooks, Jr.
+%
+The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the
+rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors.
+ -- Max Lerner
+%
+The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
+tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
+have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
+its theories will hold water.
+%
+The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
+He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore"
+The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before
+And slowly she let him inside.
+
+He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young
+But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
+And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun
+And now will you tell me why?"
+ -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
+%
+The solution of problems is the most characteristic
+and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.
+ -- William James
+%
+The solution of this problem is trivial
+and is left as an exercise for the reader.
+%
+The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
+his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
+sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
+active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
+exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
+dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
+ For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
+vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
+was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
+horrified! Then came the children's lesson.
+ For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
+The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
+the table as the children gathered around him.
+ He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
+ There was total silence.
+ He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?"
+ Total silence.
+ Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please,
+sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
+%
+The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money.
+ -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon"
+%
+The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
+%
+The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
+able to correct them.
+ -- Nicolaides
+%
+The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
+%
+The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
+In town a noun might wear a gown,
+or further down, might dress a clown.
+A noun that's sound would never clown,
+but unsound nouns jump up and down.
+The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing,
+and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
+But please don't let that get you down,
+the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
+ -- A. Nonnie Mouse
+%
+The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's
+readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of
+some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
+reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led
+the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well
+known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at
+Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program
+of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of
+psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three
+Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That
+these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a
+further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want
+something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
+the Russians.
+ -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
+%
+The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
+themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
+against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
+Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
+ -- Dennis Miller
+%
+The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
+%
+The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the
+philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world
+is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying
+reality.
+ -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
+%
+The star of riches is shining upon you.
+%
+The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers
+written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not
+follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces
+of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took
+the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held
+in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation
+died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put
+back by years.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything"
+%
+The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
+%
+The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.
+ -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
+%
+The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its
+thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools.
+
+ -- Thucydides
+%
+The steady state of disks is full.
+ -- Ken Thompson
+%
+The story of the butterfly:
+ "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love,
+a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go
+out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on
+the third day, I heard a knock."
+ "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight,
+there was nothing."
+ "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away."
+ -- Peter Carey, BLISS
+%
+The story you are about to hear is true.
+Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
+%
+The street preacher looked so baffled
+When I asked him why he dressed
+With forty pounds of headlines
+Stapled to his chest.
+But he cursed me when I proved to him
+I said, "Not even you can hide.
+You see, you're just like me.
+I hope you're satisfied."
+ -- Bob Dylan
+%
+The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
+them unsafe.
+ -- Mayor Frank Rizzo
+%
+The streets were dark with something more than night.
+ -- Raymond Chandler
+%
+The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay.
+%
+The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He
+can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless
+existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is
+that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition --
+that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones.
+He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live
+by the values he wills.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and
+is an emerging underachiever.
+%
+The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
+biology.
+%
+"The subspace _\bW inherits the other 8 properties of _\bV. And there aren't
+even any property taxes."
+ -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b
+%
+The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have
+yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand.
+ -- The Silver Surfer
+%
+The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.
+The population is, of course, growing.
+%
+The sum of the Universe is zero.
+%
+The sun never sets on those who ride into it.
+ -- RKO
+%
+The sun was shining on the sea,
+Shining with all his might:
+He did his very best to make
+The billows smooth and bright --
+And this was very odd, because it was
+The middle of the night.
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.
+ -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
+%
+The superfluous is very necessary.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+The superior man understands what is right;
+the inferior man understands what will sell.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their
+way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other,
+whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other
+side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies.
+Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to
+speak of the room.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
+%
+The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.
+%
+The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
+esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+The surest way to remain a winner is to
+win once, and then not play any more.
+%
+The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core --
+Scratch a lover and find a foe!
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness"
+%
+The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
+%
+The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance.
+%
+The Tao doesn't take sides;
+it gives birth to both wins and losses.
+The Guru doesn't take sides;
+she welcomes both hackers and lusers.
+
+The Tao is like a stack:
+the data changes but not the structure.
+the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
+the more you talk of it, the less you understand.
+
+Hold on to the root.
+%
+The Tao is like a glob pattern:
+used but never used up.
+It is like the extern void:
+filled with infinite possibilities.
+
+It is masked but always present.
+I don't know who built to it.
+It came before the first kernel.
+%
+The tao that can be tar(1)ed
+is not the entire Tao.
+The path that can be specified
+is not the Full Path.
+
+We declare the names
+of all variables and functions.
+Yet the Tao has no type specifier.
+
+Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
+Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.
+
+Yet magic and hierarchy
+arise from the same source,
+and this source has a null pointer.
+
+Reference the NULL within NULL,
+it is the gateway to all wizardry.
+%
+The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
+artist never that he is a technician.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
+them a drink.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
+%
+The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available
+data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon
+shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold,
+as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
+radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times
+as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we
+receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the
+Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature
+of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
+the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
+i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
+the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
+temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
+temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
+temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
+Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
+part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten
+brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point,
+or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have,
+then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
+ -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
+%
+The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled
+culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
+%
+The Ten Commandments for Technicians:
+ 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
+ capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a
+ most untechnician-like manner.
+
+ 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
+ fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console
+ her in other ways.
+%
+The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
+of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process
+as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The
+employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible
+temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
+ -- Kenny's Korner
+%
+The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed
+ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
+ -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
+%
+The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
+ -- Aldo Leopold
+%
+The thing that takes up the least amount of time
+and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
+%
+The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
+%
+The Third Law of Photography:
+ If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
+ when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
+ the dark leaks out.
+%
+The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I
+want the job.
+ -- Ronald Reagan in 1973
+
+Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he
+would have lost.
+ -- Mort Sahl
+
+Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+
+Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
+I need a lot of sleep.
+ -- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
+
+You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
+accurately it's called mudslinging.
+ -- Walter Mondale
+%
+The Thought Police are here. They've come
+To put you under cardiac arrest.
+And as they drag you through the door
+They tell you that you've failed the test.
+ -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
+%
+The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
+%
+The three biggest software lies:
+
+ 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
+ 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
+ will fix the microcode.
+ 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
+%
+The three laws of thermodynamics:
+ (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
+ (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
+ (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
+%
+THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
+
+1) Where's the bathroom?
+2) What time does the parade start?
+3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
+%
+The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a
+soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with
+an idea.
+ -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook
+%
+The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
+2. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place?
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+The three rules of international air travel:
+
+(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
+ to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
+(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
+ know *exactly* what you're doing.
+(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
+%
+The thrill is here, but it won't last long
+You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
+%
+The time for action is past!
+Now is the time for senseless bickering.
+%
+The time is right to make new friends.
+%
+The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance
+committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
+ -- C. N. Parkinson
+%
+The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut.
+The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of
+Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by
+mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age,
+men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came.
+The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of
+the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the
+Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced
+them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or
+it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I
+choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be
+brought."
+ -- Alistair Cooke
+%
+The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.
+ -- Hosea Ballou
+%
+The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
+%
+The tree of research must from time to time
+be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.
+ -- Alan Kay
+%
+The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men,
+but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.
+ -- Little Big Man
+%
+The trouble with a kitten is that
+When it grows up, it's always a cat
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
+%
+The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
+%
+The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
+it.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+The trouble with being punctual is that people
+think you have nothing more important to do.
+%
+The trouble with computers is that they do
+what you tell them, not what you want.
+ -- D. Cohen
+%
+The trouble with doing something right the first
+time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
+%
+The trouble with eating Italian food is that
+five or six days later you're hungry again.
+ -- George Miller
+%
+The trouble with heart disease is that the first
+symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
+ -- Michael Phelps
+%
+The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
+ -- George S. Kaufman
+%
+The trouble with money is it costs too much!
+%
+The trouble with opportunity is that it
+always comes disguised as hard work.
+ -- Herbert V. Prochnow
+%
+The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing --
+and then marry him.
+ -- Cher
+%
+The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
+ -- Ken Kesey
+%
+The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds
+the other fellow of a dull one.
+ -- Sid Caesar
+%
+The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
+who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
+all of the people all of the time.
+ -- Franklin Adams
+%
+The trouble with you
+Is the trouble with me.
+Got two good eyes
+But we still don't see.
+ -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
+%
+The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great
+height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make
+people stumble than to be walked upon.
+ -- Franz Kafka
+%
+The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
+ -- Andre Malraux
+%
+The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
+ -- Lenny Bruce
+%
+The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
+And vice versa.
+%
+The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
+ -- Stanley Kubrick
+%
+The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
+ -- Caltech
+%
+The truth you speak has no past and no future.
+It is, and that's all it needs to be.
+%
+The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks
+Which practically conceal its sex.
+I think it clever of the turtle
+In such a fix to be so fertile.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
+The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that
+two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
+by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
+ -- I. F. Stone
+%
+The two things that can get you into trouble
+quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses.
+%
+The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
+annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh?
+And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh?
+There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh?
+So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot,
+Eh?
+So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh?
+And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh?
+They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way!
+Eh?
+ -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh?
+Beauty!
+%
+The ultimate game show will be the one
+where somebody gets killed at the end.
+ -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"
+%
+The unfacts, did we have them, are too
+imprecisely few to warrant out certitude.
+%
+The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
+"100 percent American"...
+ -- U.S. Army (1945)
+%
+The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
+%
+The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be
+broken.
+%
+The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
+%
+The universe is an island,
+surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
+%
+The universe is laughing behind your back.
+%
+The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
+combination is locked up in the safe.
+ -- Peter de Vries
+
+Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the
+same safe.
+%
+The Universe is populated by stable things.
+ -- Richard Dawkins
+%
+The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.
+It cannot be ruled by interfering.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
+ -- Sagan
+%
+The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
+Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is
+said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of
+his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
+%
+The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal,
+and deviation standard.
+%
+The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
+hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
+%
+The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable
+that I assume it must be evil.
+ -- Heywood Broun
+%
+The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
+religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
+from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
+yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
+world put together.
+ -- Sir Peter Medawar
+%
+The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
+is a symptom of professional immaturity.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
+regarded as a criminal offence.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
+%
+The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
+%
+The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
+the worst cigars.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+The very first essential for success is a perpetually
+constant and regular employment of violence.
+ -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
+%
+The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid
+prejudice.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
+Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
+to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
+be one of the facts that needs altering.
+ -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil"
+%
+The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
+ In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary
+surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
+gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
+expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
+bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
+The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
+the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
+to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
+ -- John Wayne
+%
+The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
+ -- Jerry Brown
+%
+The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
+restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
+dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
+sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
+then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
+A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned
+to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking."
+%
+The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,
+it's just a tired feeling.
+%
+The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
+%
+The wages of sin are unreported.
+%
+The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
+Constitution.
+%
+The warning message we sent the Russians was a
+calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
+ -- Alexander Haig
+%
+The water was not fit to drink.
+To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
+By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
+incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
+ -- Emo Philips
+%
+The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
+ -- Nathaniel Howe
+%
+The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
+%
+The way to a man's heart is through his
+wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
+ -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
+%
+The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
+%
+The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
+%
+The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run.
+%
+The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
+%
+The way to make a small fortune in the
+commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
+%
+The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
+My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
+My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
+Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
+I feel together today!
+ -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
+%
+The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
+%
+The weed of crime bears bitter fruit...
+but the leaves are good to smoke!
+ -- The Shadow
+%
+The White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
+ "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
+ "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely,
+"and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+The white race is the cancer of history.
+ -- Susan Sontag
+%
+The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
+ -- Wavy Gravy
+%
+The whole of life is futile unless you
+consider it as a sporting proposition.
+%
+The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
+so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
+ -- Peter Beard
+%
+The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
+ -- George Gobel
+%
+The wind doth taste so bitter sweet,
+ Like Jaspar wine and sugar,
+It must have blown through someone's feet,
+ Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
+ -- P. Opus
+%
+The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
+not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he
+should.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+The wise man seeks everything in himself;
+the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
+%
+The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
+%
+The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
+medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
+she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
+live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
+throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
+ "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have
+to get up in the morning!"
+%
+The wonderful thing about a dancing bear
+is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
+%
+The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools
+we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral
+and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because
+of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible.
+We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller
+ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much.
+ -- Paul Licker
+%
+The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
+designed for people who walk on their hands.
+ -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"
+%
+The world is a comedy to those who think,
+and a tragedy to those who feel.
+ -- Horace Walpole
+%
+The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
+%
+The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
+%
+The world is coming to an end!
+Repent and return those library books!
+%
+The world is full of people who have never, since
+childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.
+ -- E. B. White
+%
+The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says
+it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.
+ -- E. Hubbard
+%
+The world is not octal despite DEC.
+%
+The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
+It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
+You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
+%
+The world really isn't any worse.
+It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
+%
+The world wants to be deceived.
+ -- Sebastian Brant
+%
+The world's as ugly as sin,
+And almost as delightful.
+ -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
+%
+The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars,
+nor its great scholars great men.
+ -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
+%
+The Worst American Poet
+ Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
+Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
+ Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
+of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her
+pen.
+ Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
+formula was the same:
+ Have you heard of the dreadful fate
+ Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife?
+ Of their death I will relate,
+ And also others lost their life
+ (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
+ Where so many people died.
+ Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
+the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
+river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than
+a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
+ Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
+suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was
+forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
+beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
+
+In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
+Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
+had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
+sheepishly left the building.
+A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
+robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded
+5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it
+was a practical joke.
+Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
+clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got
+trapped in the revolving doors again.
+%
+The Worst Car Hire Service
+ When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck
+as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up
+shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California.
+ He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he
+conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles.
+ To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and
+he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving
+round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do.
+ "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to
+admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we
+overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle
+we might overlook that too."
+ "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled
+into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the
+ash tray."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+THE WORST HOMING PIGEON
+
+This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
+expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead,
+in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst is enemy of the bad.
+%
+The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."
+ -- King Lear
+%
+The Worst Jury
+ A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when
+one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the
+remotest clue what was happening.
+ The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any
+evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him.
+ The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second
+juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French
+speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he
+was hearing a murder trial.
+ The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered
+from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language
+and nearly as deaf as the first juror.
+ The judge ordered a retrial.
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Worst Lines of Verse
+For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line:
+ "Come, muse, let us sing of rats."
+Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted
+these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous
+laughter the instant they were read out.
+ No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was
+inspired by the subject of war.
+ "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away,
+ And the grey roof reddened and rang;
+ Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay
+ The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!"
+By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79):
+ "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..."
+While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables:
+ "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed,
+ The crippled pea alone that cannot stand."
+George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote:
+ "And I was ask'd and authorized to go
+ To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co."
+William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse:
+ "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak
+ While in this world, are liable to leak."
+And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when
+describing a pond:
+ "I've measured it from side to side;
+ Tis three feet long and two feet wide."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The Worst Musical Trio
+ There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
+a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
+instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
+gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
+violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
+unhampered by great musical talent.
+ Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
+concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
+A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although
+Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
+in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
+ "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
+"and it will be a sell out."
+ Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited
+audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
+asked for someone to turn his pages.
+ In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
+volunteered and made his way to the stage.
+ The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
+music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
+Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
+the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
+But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst part of having success is trying
+to find someone who is happy for you.
+ -- Bette Midler
+%
+The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
+%
+The Worst Prison Guards
+ The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a
+maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison,
+near Lisbon in Portugal.
+ During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison
+warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which
+included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity
+of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were
+planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had
+not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were
+"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels,
+water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities.
+The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36
+prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal"
+because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back
+the next morning.
+ "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when
+one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they
+eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's
+population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr.
+Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the
+"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty."
+ -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
+%
+The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,
+but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
+are sober.
+ -- William Butler Yeats
+%
+The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one
+wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering
+if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
+ -- David Viscott
+%
+The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly.
+They were just the first not to crash.
+%
+The yankees, son, are up north.
+The damnyankees are down here.
+%
+The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
+four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all
+the answers.
+%
+The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
+ "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
+ "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
+%
+The young lady had an unusual list,
+Linked in part to a structural weakness.
+She set no preconditions.
+%
+The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
+to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
+found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
+He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
+rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
+golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
+"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
+ "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
+they only charge $1 a ball!"
+ "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
+rooms."
+%
+THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE
+%
+Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer...
+and you'd better not refuse.
+%
+Them as has, gets.
+%
+Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
+
+He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
+then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
+market.
+
+If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
+not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
+
+Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
+Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
+Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
+ -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
+%
+Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her
+incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy,
+acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.
+ -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
+%
+Then here's to the City of Boston,
+The town of the cries and the groans.
+Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
+And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
+ -- Franklin Pierce Adams
+%
+Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
+I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
+right.
+ -- P. J. O'Rourke
+%
+Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
+%
+Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
+Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
+when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
+to the "W" on the dial.
+
+Moral:
+ He who has a Tates is lost!
+%
+Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand
+it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
+Proof:
+ No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
+ Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
+%
+Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
+Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
+ Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B
+ (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
+
+Proceed by induction:
+ If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
+ So A = B.
+
+Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with
+ MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
+ (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
+%
+Theorem: All programs are dull.
+
+Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
+nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
+sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
+the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
+the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
+ -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
+%
+THEORY:
+ System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
+ originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good
+ it will look in print.
+%
+Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Theory of Selective Supervision:
+ The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
+ the one time the boss walks through the office.
+%
+There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black
+armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad
+shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you
+realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your
+body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons:
+sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident.
+He speaks with a commanding voice:
+
+ "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
+
+As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you.
+%
+There appears to be irrefutable evidence that
+the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.
+ -- Harvey Wheeler
+%
+There are a few things that never go out of style,
+and a feminine woman is one of them.
+ -- Ralston
+%
+There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+There are bad times just around the corner,
+There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
+And it's no good whining
+About a silver lining
+For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
+ -- Noel Coward
+%
+There are few people more often in the wrong
+than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
+%
+There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess --
+and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided.
+ -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
+%
+There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot,
+jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
+ -- Ed Howdershelt
+%
+There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
+and praiseworthy ...
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's
+the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you
+cannot know a woman, the divorce.
+ -- Norman Mailer
+%
+There are many intelligent species in
+the universe, and they all own cats.
+%
+There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break
+about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get
+about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor
+get it in the winter.
+ -- Bat Masterson
+%
+There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal
+friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably
+avoiding a great deal of pain.
+%
+There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.
+ -- Eugene Ionesco
+%
+There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
+%
+There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
+%
+There are more things in heaven and earth,
+Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
+ -- Hamlet
+%
+There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
+%
+There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
+%
+There are new messages.
+%
+There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.
+ -- Baba Ram Dass
+%
+There are no answers, only cross-references.
+ -- Weiner
+%
+There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes
+are chosen correctly.
+%
+There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
+%
+There are no games on this system.
+%
+There are no great men, buster. There are only men.
+ -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
+%
+There are no great men, only great challenges that
+ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.
+ -- Admiral William Halsey
+%
+There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.
+ -- The Duke of Wellington
+%
+There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence
+of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally
+competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make
+some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible.
+ -- Richard Davisson
+%
+There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort
+of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
+%
+There are no winners in life, only survivors.
+%
+There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
+%
+There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and
+taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.
+ -- shades
+%
+There are people so addicted to exaggeration
+that they can't tell the truth without lying.
+ -- Josh Billings
+%
+There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
+in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
+people who find nothing odd about it.
+ -- Calvin Trillin
+%
+There are places I'll remember
+All my life though some have changed.
+Some forever not for better
+Some have gone and some remain.
+All these places had their moments
+With lovers and friends I still recall.
+Some are dead and some are living,
+In my life I've loved them all.
+
+But of all these friends and lovers,
+There is no one compared with you,
+All these memories lose their meaning
+When I think of love as something new.
+Though I know I'll never lose affection
+For people and things that went before,
+I know I'll often stop and think about them
+In my life I'll love you more.
+ -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
+%
+There are running jobs.
+Why don't you go chase them?
+%
+There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
+plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
+and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
+don't we all?
+%
+There are strange things done in the midnight sun
+ By the men who moil for gold;
+The Arctic trails have their secret tales
+ That would make your blood run cold;
+The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
+ But the queerest they ever did see
+Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
+ I cremated Sam McGee.
+ -- Robert W. Service
+%
+There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
+is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
+ -- David Nichols
+%
+There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
+fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
+and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
+wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
+your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
+ -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
+%
+There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli
+%
+There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
+%
+There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
+from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
+loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
+%
+There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
+offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
+a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
+of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
+affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
+When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
+Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.
+ -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
+%
+There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and
+engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far
+the more certain.
+ -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
+%
+There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
+the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
+world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
+long winter evenings.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+There are three rules for writing a novel.
+Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the
+changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts.
+Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
+science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
+by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
+%
+There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
+can't remember.
+ -- Italo Svevo
+%
+There are three things I have always loved
+and never understood -- art, music, and women.
+%
+There are three things men can do with women:
+love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
+ -- Stephen Stills
+%
+There are three ways to get something done:
+ 1: Do it yourself.
+ 2: Hire someone to do it for you.
+ 3: Forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
+one of them.
+%
+There are twenty-five people left in the world,
+and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.
+ -- Ed Sanders
+%
+There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play
+together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is
+struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in
+the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
+room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?"
+ "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
+ Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are
+you?"
+ "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
+ "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?"
+ "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
+I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
+Man it is smokin'!"
+ "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
+tell me more!"
+ "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news
+and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean
+I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here."
+ "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
+%
+There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good."
+And one says, "This is new, and therefore better."
+ -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
+%
+There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
+ -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar
+%
+There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
+the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
+sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
+We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
+ -- Jeremy S. Anderson
+%
+There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
+like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
+%
+There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
+%
+There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before
+marriage and after marriage.
+%
+There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
+make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
+other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
+deficiencies.
+ -- C. A. R. Hoare
+%
+There are two ways of disliking art.
+One is to dislike it.
+The other is to like it rationally.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There are two ways of disliking poetry;
+one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There are two ways to write error-free
+programs; only the third one works.
+%
+There are very few personal problems that cannot be
+solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
+%
+There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening
+with an insurance salesman?
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
+of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
+rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
+together we'll face the world.
+ -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
+%
+There but for the grace of God, goes God.
+ -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps
+%
+There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.
+ -- Ralph Nader
+%
+There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.
+ -- R. W. Gerard
+%
+There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he
+has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+There comes a time to stop being angry.
+ -- A Small Circle of Friends
+%
+There exist tasks which cannot be done
+by more than 10 men or fewer than 100.
+ -- Steele's Law
+%
+There goes the good time that was had by all.
+ -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet
+%
+There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
+For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
+permissions for everyone, you could say
+
+ #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444)
+
+ I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
+hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
+from its uses.
+ To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
+is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
+the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is
+being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
+name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
+-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
+recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
+was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
+ -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
+%
+There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.
+ -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929
+%
+There has been an alarming increase in the
+number of things you know nothing about.
+%
+There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
+%
+There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there
+is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a
+vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food
+stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library.
+
+Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small
+ elevator with one other person from each floor?
+A: The elevator would be full.
+%
+There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery
+is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If
+you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
+ -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles"
+%
+There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
+opinion.
+ -- Anatole France
+%
+There is a fly on your nose.
+%
+There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
+and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
+each other's throat.
+ -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
+%
+There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature:
+that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
+%
+There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
+%
+There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends
+his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick.
+ -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
+%
+There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
+tied during the month of April.
+%
+There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
+ -- Walt Disney
+%
+There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
+wooden toilet seats.
+
+It's called the Birch John Society.
+%
+There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
+Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
+Fatherland.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
+what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
+disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
+inexplicable.
+
+There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
+%
+There is a time in the tides of men,
+Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success.
+On the other hand, don't count on it.
+ -- T. K. Lawson
+%
+There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it
+is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+There is always more hell that needs raising.
+ -- Lauren Leveut
+%
+There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling
+somebody out.
+ -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
+%
+There is always someone worse off than yourself.
+%
+There is always something new out of Africa.
+ -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
+%
+There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it
+has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
+"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+There is brutality and there is honesty.
+There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
+%
+There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the
+Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're
+a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s.
+ -- Joel Achenbach
+%
+There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers,
+having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that,
+whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of
+gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and
+most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
+ -- Darwin
+%
+There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can
+not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
+%
+There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
+ -- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+There is in certain living souls
+A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
+So great it must be shared
+As company is shared by lesser beings.
+Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
+That in immensity
+There is one lonelier than you.
+%
+There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
+however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
+Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
+discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
+on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
+even highly probable.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, 1930
+%
+There *_\bi_\bs* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
+%
+There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die,
+and we will conquer. Follow me.
+ -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
+%
+There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a
+man who eats Grapenuts on principle.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+There is more to life than increasing its speed.
+ -- Mohandas K. Gandhi
+%
+There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
+ -- Darth Vader
+%
+There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
+always enough time to do it over.
+%
+There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
+%
+There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
+is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
+%
+There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
+No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
+ -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
+%
+There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
+the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
+civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
+We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
+striving of the human race.
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+There is no comfort without pain; thus
+we define salvation through suffering.
+ -- Cato
+%
+There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.
+ -- George Santayana
+%
+There is no delight the equal of dread.
+As long as it is somebody else's.
+ -- Clive Barker
+%
+There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
+%
+There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he
+filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary
+as "unearned income."
+ -- Michael Lara
+%
+There is no education that is not political. An apolitical
+education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
+%
+There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
+parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a
+child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to
+picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one
+Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!
+ -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
+%
+There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
+%
+There is no fool to the old fool.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+There is no future in time travel.
+%
+There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
+%
+There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
+armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
+ -- Ernest Hemingway
+%
+There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.
+ -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
+%
+There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years
+the dirt doesn't get any worse.
+ -- Quentin Crisp
+%
+There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox.
+ -- George Francis Gillette
+%
+There is no point in waiting.
+The train stopped running years ago.
+All the schedules, the brochures,
+The bright-colored posters full of lies,
+Promise rides to a distant country
+That no longer exists.
+%
+There is no proverb that is not true.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
+tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
+abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
+war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
+of course.
+ -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
+%
+There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
+ -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation),
+ Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
+%
+There is no royal road to geometry.
+ -- Euclid
+%
+There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
+%
+There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
+ -- General Douglas MacArthur
+%
+There is no sin but ignorance.
+ -- Christopher Marlowe
+%
+There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
+%
+There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
+%
+There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer.
+%
+There is no such thing as a free lunch.
+%
+There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
+%
+There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only
+the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive.
+ -- Christian Dior
+%
+There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
+%
+There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
+Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
+%
+There is no such thing as pure pleasure;
+some anxiety always goes with it.
+%
+There is no time like the pleasant.
+%
+There is no time like the present
+for postponing what you ought to be doing.
+%
+There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
+There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong.
+%
+There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and
+family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too,
+the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is
+live as cheap as the people.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives
+us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves.
+ -- Augier
+%
+There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.
+ -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
+%
+There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.
+ -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
+%
+There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
+ -- Marie Antoinette
+%
+There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult
+when you do it reluctantly.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who
+comes to visit.
+%
+There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
+a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
+ "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
+an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
+ "I could have answered it if I had been there."
+ "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
+the middle of the night?'"
+%
+There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
+%
+There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the
+ocean level wouldn't cure.
+ -- Ross MacDonald
+%
+There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it
+is done in private and you wash your hands afterward.
+%
+There is one difference between a tax collector and
+a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.
+ -- Mortimer Caplan
+%
+There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says
+"Yes" you know he is crooked.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+There is only one thing in the world worse than being
+talked about, and that is not being talked about.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none.
+ -- Paul Bourget
+%
+There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein
+%
+There is only one way to kill capitalism --
+by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.
+ -- Karl Marx
+%
+There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
+and that word is blackmail.
+ -- Colm Brogan
+%
+There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
+it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
+ -- James Boswell
+%
+There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+There is something in the pang of change
+More than the heart can bear,
+Unhappiness remembering happiness.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
+%
+There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
+%
+There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
+constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those
+who do not.
+ -- Robert Benchley
+%
+There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United
+States; of course, I never heard the story before.
+%
+There must be more to life than having everything.
+ -- Maurice Sendak
+%
+There never was a good war or a bad peace.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
+king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
+in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
+to the prince:
+ "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
+half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
+what would your decision be, my son?"
+ The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
+her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head."
+ The king knew that his son would be a great king.
+%
+There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The
+king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished
+in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said
+to the prince:
+ "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even
+half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend,
+what would your decision be, my son?"
+ The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell
+her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom
+that I had promised."
+ The king knew that his son would be a great king.
+%
+There seems no plan because it is all plan.
+ -- C. S. Lewis
+%
+There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
+ -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
+%
+There was a little girl
+Who had a little curl
+Right in the middle of her forehead.
+When she was good, she was very, very good
+And when she was bad, she was very, very popular.
+ -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book"
+%
+There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
+with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
+was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
+over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
+to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack,
+and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be
+able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go
+around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave
+him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared
+to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to
+hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in
+the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband
+cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing
+her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same
+course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he
+sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able
+to hit through, if he was to open both doors.
+ "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7".
+%
+There was a phone call for you.
+%
+There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
+left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
+Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so
+they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed
+out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world,
+the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck
+with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
+We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is
+to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
+%
+There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have
+no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled
+every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become
+insupportable.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+There was a young man from LeDoux,
+Whose limericks stopped at line two.
+
+There was a young man from Verdunne.
+
+ [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
+ is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
+ mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
+%
+There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
+both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
+talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
+during the trial.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of
+their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
+of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
+couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
+blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
+on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
+baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
+were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
+of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
+The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
+the squaws of the other two hides.
+%
+There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
+in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term
+that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
+practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed
+to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if
+necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
+(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
+ -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
+%
+There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan.
+Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike,
+you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what
+should I do?"
+ "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
+like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing
+you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
+ "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
+ A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
+in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there,
+pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
+he tells the counterman.
+ The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
+"You must be from New York."
+ The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did
+you know?"
+ "Because this is a hardware store."
+%
+There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
+the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
+digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
+8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
+transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
+stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
+feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
+systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
+first electrical digital computer, and the first communications
+satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
+telephone business?
+%
+There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
+the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
+%
+There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
+%
+There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
+this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
+ -- Machiavelli
+%
+There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose,
+ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are
+pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could
+hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at
+least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey,
+Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the
+pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored.
+ -- Shirley Povich, 1941
+%
+There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
+a fence.
+%
+There's a lesson that I need to remember
+When everything is falling apart
+In life, just like in loving
+There's such a thing as trying to hard
+
+You've gotta sing
+Like you don't need the money
+Love like you'll never get hurt
+You've gotta dance
+Like nobody's watching
+It's gotta come from the heart
+If you want it to work.
+ -- Kathy Mattea
+%
+There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
+allows you to install Windows.
+ -- Matthew D. Fuller
+%
+There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
+%
+There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left
+and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a
+little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help.
+A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody
+there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won.
+The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and
+it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice
+said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went
+on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all
+his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice
+spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to
+quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12,
+and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
+%
+There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast
+The corporation that we represent.
+We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast,
+Of that man of men our sterling president
+The name of T. J. Watson means
+A courage none can stem
+And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM.
+ -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook
+%
+There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to
+recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to
+let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity
+or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future,
+a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on,
+rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of
+living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding
+action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the
+best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office.
+We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth
+are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves
+along -- quite gracefully.
+ -- Ellen Goodman
+%
+There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!
+ -- Doug Clifford
+%
+There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
+%
+There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
+%
+There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really
+don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything
+to me.
+ -- John Wayne
+%
+There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
+%
+There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
+%
+There's little in taking or giving,
+ There's little in water or wine:
+This living, this living, this living,
+ Was never a project of mine.
+Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
+ The gain of the one at the top,
+For art is a form of catharsis,
+ And love is a permanent flop,
+And work is the province of cattle,
+ And rest's for a clam in a shell,
+So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
+ Would you kindly direct me to hell?
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
+whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+There's no justice in this world.
+ -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano
+ by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after
+ Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch
+ Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz
+ instead)
+%
+There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
+ -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
+%
+There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
+any worse.
+%
+There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
+ -- Raoul Duke
+%
+There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
+%
+There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know
+what you're talking about.
+ -- John von Neumann
+%
+There's no such thing as a free lunch.
+ -- Milton Friendman
+%
+There's no such thing as an original sin.
+ -- Elvis Costello
+%
+There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
+working for you.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
+%
+There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
+armadillos.
+ -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
+%
+There's nothing like a girl with a plunging
+neckline to keep a man on his toes.
+%
+There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man
+appreciate his wife.
+ -- Clare Booth Luce
+%
+There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl.
+%
+There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
+%
+There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
+keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
+ -- J. S. Bach
+%
+There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
+work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
+ -- Mike Smith
+%
+There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter
+and open a vein.
+ -- Red Smith
+%
+There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
+nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
+%
+There's nothing worse for your business than
+extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.
+ -- W. Bossert
+%
+There's nothing wrong with teenagers that
+reasoning with them won't aggravate.
+%
+There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can
+always see somebody who did worse.
+ -- Warren H. Goldsmith
+%
+There's one fool at least in every married couple.
+%
+There's only one everything.
+%
+There's only one way to have a happy marriage
+and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
+ -- Clint Eastwood
+%
+There's small choice in rotten apples.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
+%
+There's so much plastic in this culture that
+vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
+%
+There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe,
+Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
+ -- G. Gordon Liddy
+%
+There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists.
+If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong.
+%
+There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.
+ -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear.
+ -- Richard Le Gallienne
+%
+These activities have their own rules and methods
+of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
+%
+"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
+"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
+"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
+out of MEGATON MAN!"
+%
+These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what
+they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
+%
+They also serve who only stand and wait.
+ -- John Milton
+%
+They also surf who only stand on waves.
+%
+They are called computers simply because computation is
+the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
+%
+They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
+what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
+life. Let's face it: That's the American way.
+ -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
+ of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.
+%
+They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
+when they can see nothing but sea.
+ -- Francis Bacon
+%
+They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
+ -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
+%
+They call them "squares" because it's the
+most complicated shape they can deal with.
+%
+They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God!
+ -- The Blues Brothers
+%
+They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
+ -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words,
+ Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
+%
+They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and
+try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the
+man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They
+only want to count to two.
+ -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
+%
+They don't suffer. They can't even speak English.
+ -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's
+ question about the suffering of starving miners.
+%
+They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
+%
+They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
+%
+They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by
+Russians with Greek->German dictionaries
+ -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation
+%
+They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
+%
+They make a desert and call it peace.
+ -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
+%
+They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
+especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that,
+but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when
+not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to
+learn this particular lesson.
+ -- Richard Stallman
+%
+They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
+system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
+we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
+
+I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
+my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
+then we take Berlin.
+
+I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
+and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
+I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
+ -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
+%
+They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
+always spell better than they pronounce.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
+safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
+%
+They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
+%
+They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
+About a month before. Their hair began to curl
+The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
+But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
+
+He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
+To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
+And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
+The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
+
+My notion was to start again
+Ignoring all they'd done
+We quickly turned it into code
+To see if it would run.
+%
+They took some of the Van Goghs, most
+of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
+%
+They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
+ -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard
+%
+They use different words for things in America.
+For instance they say elevator and we say lift.
+They say drapes and we say curtains.
+They say president and we say brain damaged git.
+ -- Alexie Sayle
+%
+They went rushing down that freeway,
+Messed around and got lost.
+They didn't care... they were just dying to get off,
+And it was life in the fast lane.
+ -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane"
+%
+They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.
+ -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads
+%
+They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
+The man said "We got all that we can use",
+So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
+Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
+ -- Jim Croce
+%
+They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me
+back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out
+of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid
+for freedom.
+ -- Stig's Inferno
+%
+They're basically very smelly houseplants until they get to the crawling
+age. You're constantly terrified that they're going to randomly die on
+you, but the rules for preventing that outcome are straightforward and
+hard to forget.
+ -- Thomas Ptacek, giving advice to a new father
+%
+They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
+ -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
+%
+They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
+%
+They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
+to like.
+ -- Avon
+%
+Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become
+their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
+%
+Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
+%
+Things are not always what they seem.
+ -- Phaedrus
+%
+Things Charles Darwin did not say:
+
+Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all.
+%
+Things Charles Darwin did not say:
+
+Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools.
+%
+Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
+%
+Things past redress and now with me past care.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+Things will be bright in P.M.
+A cop will shine a light in your face.
+%
+Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+Things worth having are worth cheating for.
+%
+Think big.
+Pollute the Mississippi.
+%
+Think honk if you're a telepath.
+%
+Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
+ -- Darrell Royal
+%
+Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
+%
+Think of your family tonight.
+Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
+%
+Think sideways!
+ -- Ed De Bono
+%
+Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
+%
+Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
+ -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
+%
+Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
+It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
+Have made my days and nights imperishable,
+Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
+Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
+Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
+But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
+Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.
+%
+Thirteen at a table is unlucky only
+when the hostess has only twelve chops.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Thirty days hath Septober,
+April, June, and no wonder.
+all the rest have peanut butter
+except my father who wears red suspenders.
+%
+Thirty white horses on a red hill,
+First they champ,
+Then they stamp,
+Then they stand still.
+ -- Tolkien
+%
+This ae nighte, this ae nighte,
+Everye nighte and alle,
+Fire and sleet and candlelyte,
+And Christe receive thy saule.
+ -- The Lykewake Dirge
+%
+This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can
+speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled;
+batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented,
+deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts,
+Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless,
+spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef,
+beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled,
+pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish;
+half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have
+a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon,
+individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be
+limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective?
+%
+This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
+(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
+ -- Found on a door in the MSU music building
+%
+This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd.
+%
+This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and
+intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they
+are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this
+transmission, please delete it immediately.
+
+Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore,
+there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you
+have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document.
+Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no
+legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway.
+
+This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and
+bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a
+cold beer instead.
+ -- found on the dovecot mailinglist
+%
+This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
+%
+This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
+%
+This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate
+need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates
+random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come
+up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at
+all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
+%
+This fortune intentionally not included.
+%
+This fortune intentionally says nothing.
+%
+This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
+invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
+%
+This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
+%
+This fortune is false.
+%
+This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
+%
+This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
+%
+This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
+%
+This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
+%
+This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.
+We have emotional moving vans.
+ -- Bruce Feirstein
+%
+This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
+bags! I just won the California lottery!"
+ "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
+ "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
+of the house by dinner!"
+%
+This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
+regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
+%
+This is a good time to punt work.
+%
+This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
+DOG.
+ -- Bob Violence
+%
+This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
+actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
+%
+This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.
+Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
+%
+This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
+because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
+which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
+"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
+consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
+rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
+oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
+Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
+over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
+innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
+passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
+amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
+apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
+and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
+%
+This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
+%
+This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
+Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
+and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
+%
+This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
+and not enough hunchbacks.
+%
+This is for all ill-treated fellows
+ Unborn and unbegot,
+For them to read when they're in trouble
+ And I am not.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+This is Jim Rockford.
+At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.\a
+%
+This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
+to one.
+ -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
+%
+This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
+his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
+Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.
+%
+This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine?
+I don't talk to machines! [Click]
+%
+This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
+%
+This is NOT a repeat.
+%
+This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The
+spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men
+who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.
+ -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
+%
+THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
+
+If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
+contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
+without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
+contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
+can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
+for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
+difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
+and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
+"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
+you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
+Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
+30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
+Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
+more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ...
+%
+This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
+Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
+%
+This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok,
+meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
+and come alone. I'm serious!
+%
+This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future,
+which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
+ -- Arthur C. Clarke
+%
+This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
+power of computers:
+
+Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the
+thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum
+level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that
+one should eat each day:
+
+ 1/2 chicken
+ 1 egg
+ 1 glass of skim milk
+ 27 heads of lettuce.
+ -- Rev. Adrian Melott
+%
+This is the _\bL_\bA_\bS_\bT time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
+%
+This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+This is the story of the bee
+Whose sex is very hard to see
+
+You cannot tell the he from the she
+But she can tell, and so can he
+
+The little bee is never still
+She has no time to take the pill
+
+And that is why, in times like these
+There are so many sons of bees.
+%
+This is the theory that Jack built.
+This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built.
+This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
+%
+This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
+And now you know why.
+%
+This is the way the world ends,
+This is the way the world ends,
+This is the way the world ends,
+Not with a bang but with a whimper.
+ -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
+%
+This is your fortune.
+%
+This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.
+ -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper
+%
+This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
+constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
+been called by others the fiddle factor..."
+ -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture
+%
+This land is full of trousers!
+this land is full of mausers!
+ And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
+ -- The Firesign Theatre
+%
+This land is made of mountains,
+This land is made of mud,
+This land has lots of everything,
+For me and Elmer Fudd.
+
+This land has lots of trousers,
+This land has lots of mousers,
+And pussycats to eat them
+When the sun goes down.
+%
+This land is my land, and only my land,
+I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
+If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
+This land is private property.
+ -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
+%
+This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an
+actual life, you would have received further instructions as
+to what to do and where to go.
+%
+This life is yours. Some of it was given
+to you; the rest, you made yourself.
+%
+This login session: $13.99
+%
+This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
+%
+This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
+%
+This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
+%
+This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
+great force.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers
+are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people
+who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets
+don't actually hurt.
+ One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a
+Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his
+hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're
+man enough to take me on?"
+ The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the
+Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two
+tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of
+a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the
+Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers,
+"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?"
+ The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men)
+charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill.
+After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine
+crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man,
+"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath,
+replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!"
+%
+This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've
+got to find a way off this planet.
+%
+This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
+the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
+solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
+largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
+which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
+paper that were unhappy.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
+something child-like.
+ -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
+%
+This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real
+persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some
+assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during
+shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If
+condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside.
+Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct,
+indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error
+or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial
+penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your canceled
+check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families
+are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time
+offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area.
+Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does
+not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call
+toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product
+appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do
+not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
+paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many
+suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction
+strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror
+are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes
+all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied.
+%
+This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
+student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
+
+ One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
+ Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
+ computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
+ which identifies errors in the original program.
+%
+This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his
+mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry
+often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and
+adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+This screen intentionally left blank.
+%
+This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
+ -- Douglas Hofstadter
+%
+This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
+%
+This sentence no verb.
+%
+This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
+%
+This thing all things devours:
+Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
+Gnaws iron, bites steel;
+Grinds hard stones to meal;
+Slays king, ruins town,
+And beats high mountain down.
+%
+This unit... must... survive.
+%
+This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the
+contents may have occurred during shipment.
+%
+This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard
+dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft,
+pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.
+ -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
+%
+This was the most unkindest cut of all.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
+%
+This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.
+This was terrible with raisins in it.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
+%
+This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
+%
+This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he.
+The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup
+could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!"
+ The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car
+wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged
+pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow
+and was lying about twenty feet away.
+ There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by
+"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!"
+%
+Those lovable Brits department:
+ They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
+%
+Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
+of us who do.
+%
+Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do.
+%
+Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
+are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
+at are called software.
+ -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
+ Literacy for the 1990's.
+%
+Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have
+learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.
+ -- W. S. Krabill
+%
+Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of
+Silly Putty.
+ -- Dennis Rawlins
+%
+Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
+%
+Those who can, do; those who can't, write.
+Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
+%
+Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
+ -- George Santayana
+%
+Those who can't write, write manuals.
+%
+Those who claim the dead never return
+to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
+%
+Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
+ -- French Proverb
+%
+Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
+ -- Henry Spencer
+%
+Those who do things in a noble spirit of
+self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.
+ -- N. Alexander
+%
+Those who educate children well are more to be honored than
+parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
+surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
+ -- Mark B. Cohen
+%
+Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty
+Often have a share in their misfortunes.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
+%
+Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the
+world is love. The poor know that it is money.
+ -- Gerald Brenan
+%
+Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
+%
+Those who make peaceful revolution impossible
+will make violent revolution inevitable.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
+men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
+without the roar of its many waters.
+ -- Frederick Douglass
+%
+Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels
+Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels.
+While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise
+PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze
+Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung.
+
+Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde
+Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord
+Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled
+Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled
+The highest rung. In his bung.
+
+Because in life they prayed so ill
+And offered god such swinish swill
+Now they sweat in flames of hell
+Sweat from lack of APL
+Sweat dung!
+%
+Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
+%
+Thou hast seen nothing yet.
+ -- Miguel de Cervantes
+%
+Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
+be maintained.
+ -- The Tao of Programming
+%
+Though I respect that a lot
+I'd be fired if that were my job
+After killing Jason off and
+Countless screaming argonauts
+
+Bluebird of friendliness
+Like guardian angels it's
+Always near
+
+Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
+Who watches over you
+Make a little birdhouse in your soul
+Not to put too fine a point on it
+Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
+Make a little birdhouse in your soul
+
+ -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
+%
+Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
+%
+Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
+the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
+Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
+whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
+fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
+more about the matter than the others.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write.
+ -- Trollope
+%
+Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,
+all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
+"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
+
+ "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
+ "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
+ "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
+ service station," said the Missourian.
+ "Wrong."
+ "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
+ "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'"
+ "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
+%
+Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought
+is irksome and three minutes is a long time.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too
+late or a little too early for anything you want to do.
+ -- Jean-Paul Sartre
+%
+Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
+Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
+Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
+One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
+In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
+One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
+One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
+In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
+ -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings"
+%
+Three rules for sounding like an expert:
+ 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
+ 2. Always point out second-order effects,
+ but never point out when they can be ignored.
+ 3. Come up with three rules of your own.
+%
+Throw away documentation and manuals,
+and users will be a hundred times happier.
+Throw away privileges and quotas,
+and users will do the Right Thing.
+Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
+and there won't be any pirating.
+
+If these three aren't enough,
+just stay at your home directory
+and let all processes take their course.
+%
+Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
+what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program
+ is its own hell."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will
+ be productive."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to
+ be maintained."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "Time for you to leave."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
+ the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software,
+ hardware is useless."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thus spake the master programmer:
+ "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
+ can't make him computer literate."
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Thyme's Law:
+ Everything goes wrong at once.
+%
+Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
+Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
+Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
+Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
+
+Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find
+Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you
+You are young and life is long No one told you when to run
+And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun
+
+And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
+And racing around to come up behind you again
+The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
+Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
+
+Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation
+ is the English way
+Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over
+Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say...
+Or half a page of scribbled lines
+ -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
+%
+Tiddely Quiddely
+Edward M. Kennedy
+Quite unaccountably
+Drove in a stream.
+
+Pleas of amnesia
+Incomprehensible
+Possibly shattered
+Political dream.
+%
+Tiger got to hunt,
+Bird got to fly;
+Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"
+
+Tiger got to sleep,
+Bird got to land;
+Man got to tell himself he understand.
+ -- The Books of Bokonon
+%
+Time and tide wait for no man.
+%
+Time as he grows old teaches all things.
+ -- Aeschylus
+%
+Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
+%
+Time goes, you say?
+Ah no!
+Time stays, *we* go.
+ -- Austin Dobson
+%
+Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
+ -- Hector Berlioz
+%
+Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
+%
+Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Time is nature's way of making sure that
+everything doesn't happen at once.
+
+Space is nature's way of making sure that
+everything doesn't happen to you.
+%
+Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
+ -- Theophrastus
+%
+Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
+%
+Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
+%
+Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
+%
+Time to take stock.
+Go home with some office supplies.
+%
+Time washes clean
+Love's wounds unseen.
+That's what someone told me;
+But I don't know what it means.
+ -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time"
+%
+Time will end all my troubles,
+but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
+%
+Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
+ -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed)
+%
+Timesharing, n.:
+ An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
+%
+Timing must be perfect now.
+Two-timing must be better than perfect.
+%
+Tip of the Day:
+ Never fry bacon in the nude.
+%
+Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
+ -- J. LeBoutillier
+%
+Tip the world over on its side and
+everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
+ -- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+TIPS FOR PERFORMERS:
+ Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters.
+ There are a finite number of jokes in the universe.
+ Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than
+ they would ordinarily.
+ There is no music in space.
+ People will pay to watch people make sounds.
+ Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.
+%
+TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of
+force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
+the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
+to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
+recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
+Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
+ "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
+ never been easier."
+Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
+it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
+components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
+work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the
+magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
+much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
+But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
+Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
+Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
+Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
+1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
+available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
+%
+Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
+%
+'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he
+is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and
+stopping at red lights are both optional.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
+%
+To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
+above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
+to spend a few days there.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
+%
+To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
+in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
+%
+To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are,
+in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The
+only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the
+Swedes speak better English.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
+%
+To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than
+a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
+thousand.
+ -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts"
+%
+To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education.
+To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither
+oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.
+ -- Epictetus
+%
+To add insult to injury.
+ -- Phaedrus
+%
+To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are
+to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and
+servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
+ -- Theodore Roosevelt
+%
+To any truly impartial person, it would
+be obvious that I am always right.
+%
+To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
+To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.
+ -- Shelley
+%
+To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who
+should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing.
+ -- Thackeray
+%
+To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job
+than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.
+%
+To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North
+Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+To be great is to be misunderstood.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in
+Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's
+fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste.
+It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country
+in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar
+weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can
+be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is
+a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States
+and not be happy.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American"
+%
+To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
+%
+To be is to be related.
+ -- C. J. Keyser
+%
+To be is to do.
+ -- I. Kant
+To do is to be.
+ -- A. Sartre
+Do be a Do Bee!
+ -- Miss Connie, Romper Room
+Do be do be do!
+ -- F. Sinatra
+Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
+ -- F. Flintstone
+%
+To be loved is very demoralizing.
+ -- Katharine Hepburn
+%
+To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
+night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest
+battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
+ -- e. e. cummings, "A Miscellany"
+%
+To be or not to be.
+ -- Shakespeare
+To do is to be.
+ -- Nietzsche
+To be is to do.
+ -- Sartre
+Do be do be do.
+ -- Sinatra
+%
+To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
+%
+To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects
+but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own.
+ -- Lionel Strachey
+%
+To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
+this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
+offer in response is based on information available to make no such
+statement.
+%
+To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
+ -- Golda Meir
+%
+To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times
+as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult.
+%
+To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first
+and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
+%
+To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
+%
+To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
+%
+To be wise, the only thing you really need
+to know is when to say "I don't know."
+%
+To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
+you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+To code the impossible code, This is my quest --
+To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code,
+To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless,
+To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load,
+ To write those routines
+To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause,
+To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV
+To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause.
+To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true
+ To this glorious quest,
+And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm,
+That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test.
+ destined to lose,
+Still strove with his last allocation
+To scrap the unscrappable kludge!
+ -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha
+%
+To communicate is the beginning of understanding.
+ -- AT&T
+%
+To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances
+may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.
+ -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
+%
+To craunch a marmoset.
+ -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
+%
+To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far
+more important than the ability to say yes.
+ -- Michi Henning
+%
+To criticize the incompetent is easy;
+it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
+%
+To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
+ -- Senator Edmund Muskie
+%
+To do nothing is to be nothing.
+%
+To do two things at once is to do neither.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally
+convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection.
+ -- H. Poincare
+%
+To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
+of four kids and one bathroom.
+ -- John DiMarco
+%
+To err is human -- but it feels divine.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
+%
+To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
+%
+To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
+%
+To err is human, but when the eraser wears out
+before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
+%
+To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive, infrequent.
+%
+To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
+ -- MIT Assassination Club
+%
+To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+To err is human, two curs canine.
+To err is human, to moo bovine.
+%
+To err is human.
+To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
+%
+To err is human,
+To purr feline.
+ -- Robert Byrne
+%
+To err is humor.
+%
+To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
+ -- B. Duggan
+%
+To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
+A time to be born, and a time to die;
+A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
+A time to kill, and a time to heal;
+A time to break down, and a time to build up;
+A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
+A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
+A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
+A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
+A time to gain, and a time to lose;
+A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
+A time to tear, and a time to sew;
+A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
+A time to love, and a time to hate;
+A time of war, and a time of peace.
+ Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
+%
+To fear love is to fear life, and those
+who fear life are already three parts dead.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
+ -- Norman Douglas
+%
+To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
+ -- Benjamin Franklin
+%
+To generalize is to be an idiot.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
+%
+To get something clean, one has to get something dirty.
+To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
+%
+To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
+persons, two of them absent.
+%
+To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
+%
+To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
+%
+To have died once is enough.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+To hell with the Prime Directive;
+Let's _\bK_\bI_\bL_\bL something!
+%
+To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
+ -- Thomas Edison
+%
+To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
+ -- Robert Heller
+%
+To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
+ -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
+%
+To keep your friends treat them kindly;
+to kill them, treat them often.
+%
+To know Edina is to reject it.
+ -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
+%
+To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
+%
+To lead people, you must follow behind.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+To listen to some devout people,
+one would imagine that God never laughs.
+ -- Sri Aurobindo
+%
+To love is good, love being difficult.
+%
+To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
+%
+To make tax forms true they should
+read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
+%
+To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation.
+ -- St. Augustine
+%
+TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered
+where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
+circus and a clown killed my dad.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
+bitters. Shake.
+ -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail
+%
+To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet.
+ -- 19th century toast
+%
+To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
+%
+To restore a sense of reality, I think
+Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
+ -- Jack Paar
+%
+To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
+%
+To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
+but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
+micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious.
+ -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
+%
+To say you got a vote of confidence
+would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.
+ -- Andrew Young
+%
+To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
+%
+To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block,
+and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was
+agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy.
+There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen;
+it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of
+tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of
+mind over matter; quite.
+ -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit"
+%
+To see you is to sympathize.
+%
+To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts
+the job will take the longest and cost the most.
+%
+To stand and be still,
+At the Birkenhead drill,
+Is a damned tough bullet to chew.
+ -- Rudyard Kipling
+%
+To stay young requires unceasing cultivation
+of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+To stay youthful, stay useful.
+%
+To teach is to learn.
+%
+To teach is to learn twice.
+ -- Joseph Joubert
+%
+To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
+%
+To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
+%
+To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide
+a test load.
+%
+To Theodore Roosevelt:
+ You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest.
+The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but
+you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion,
+must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
+ Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
+ Lord of the Riff
+ Sultan to the Berbers
+ Last of the Barbary Pirates
+%
+To thine own self be true.
+(If not that, at least make some money.)
+%
+To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is
+madness.
+ -- Eugene Ionesco
+%
+To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
+system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
+inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
+precision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
+uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
+well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
+of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
+secure ecological niche.
+ -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
+%
+TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING:
+
+ Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
+what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you
+may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
+ Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required
+to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
+destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
+or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
+receiving said benefit.
+ I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
+yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
+as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
+in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
+ Amen.
+ -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969
+%
+To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
+%
+To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
+he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
+%
+To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
+telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
+computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
+in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
+lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
+
+Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
+suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
+computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
+one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
+break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
+incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
+an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
+pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
+loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
+and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
+ Phones?"
+%
+To use violence is to already be defeated.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?
+%
+To whom the mornings are like nights,
+What must the midnights be!
+ -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?)
+%
+To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
+strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
+Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
+and take by force a satisfying mesh.
+Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
+You are the master here, and they the slaves.
+Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
+and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
+A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out!
+What use are words that drive not to the heart?
+A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
+and choose more docile words to take its part.
+A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
+by making love directly to the brain.
+%
+To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+Tobacco is a filthy weed,
+That from the devil does proceed;
+It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
+And makes a chimney of your nose.
+ -- B. Waterhouse
+%
+TODAY:
+ A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
+%
+Today is a good day for information-gathering.
+Read someone else's mail file.
+%
+Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
+%
+Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
+%
+Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
+%
+Today is the last day of your life so far.
+%
+Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
+%
+Today is what happened to yesterday.
+%
+Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
+except in major motion pictures.
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a
+cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a
+boarder.
+%
+Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
+%
+Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
+
+And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+%
+Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
+cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
+spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
+ -- Bob & Ray
+%
+Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
+%
+Toilet Toupee, n.:
+ Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
+ creating endless annoyance to male users.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
+ -- Gore Vidal
+%
+Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past
+but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
+%
+Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
+%
+Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
+%
+Tomorrow's computers some time next month.
+ -- DEC
+%
+Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
+%
+Tonight you will pay the wages of sin;
+Don't forget to leave a tip.
+%
+Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
+%
+Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
+ If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
+%
+Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy
+driving cabs and cutting hair.
+ -- George Burns
+%
+TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
+real fast and freak everybody out.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+Too clever is dumb.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+Too cool to calypso,
+Too tough to tango,
+Too weird to watusi
+ -- The Only Ones
+%
+Too Late
+ A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by
+the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in
+the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after
+the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby.
+ -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861
+%
+Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos.
+ -- Glenn Gould
+%
+Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
+They seem more afraid of life than death.
+ -- James F. Byrnes
+%
+Too much is just enough.
+ -- Mark Twain, on whiskey
+%
+Too much is not enough.
+%
+Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+Too much of everything is just enough.
+ -- Bob Wier
+%
+Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
+briefcases.
+ -- Governor Jerry Brown
+%
+Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
+anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
+in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
+ -- Instrument News
+ [Once is too often. Ed.]
+%
+Too ripped. Gotta go.
+%
+Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
+%
+Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
+
+10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
+ 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
+ 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
+ 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
+ Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
+ assurance people in its wake.
+ 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
+ - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
+ 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
+ 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
+ 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
+ are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
+ 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
+ original Klingon.
+ 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
+ it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
+%
+Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
+earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
+As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
+Please...
+
+ CONSERVE GRAVITY
+
+Follow these simple suggestions:
+
+(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
+(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights.
+(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like
+ curling.
+(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead.
+(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big
+ pile.
+(6) Stop flipping pancakes
+%
+Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
+
+10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
+ 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
+ 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
+ #pragma is for.
+ 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
+ hard to write.
+ 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar.
+ 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here?
+ 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
+ 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker.
+ 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
+ 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias".
+%
+Topologists are just plane folks.
+ Pilots are just plane folks.
+ Carpenters are just plane folks.
+ Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
+ Musicians are just playin' folks.
+ Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
+Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
+%
+Torque is cheap.
+%
+Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.
+%
+TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day):
+ I'm the person your mother warned you about.
+%
+Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
+ -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you
+get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme
+personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer.
+ -- A. Gide
+%
+Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
+ -- David Letterman
+%
+TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED
+%
+TRANSFER:
+ A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
+%
+TRANSPARENT:
+ Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
+ "It's there, but you can't see it"
+ -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964
+
+VIRTUAL:
+ Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
+ "I can see it, but it's not there."
+ -- Lady Macbeth
+%
+TRANSVESTITE:
+ Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
+%
+Trap full -- please empty.
+%
+TRAVEL:
+ Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
+%
+Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
+%
+Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
+"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
+ "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
+to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
+by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
+for a short spell?"
+%
+Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy.
+ -- Publilius Syrus
+%
+Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
+ -- Charles DeGaulle
+%
+Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle.
+ -- Michelangelo
+%
+Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
+%
+Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
+%
+Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the
+next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of
+a brand new series of three.
+%
+Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
+in eucalyptus trees.
+%
+Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
+%
+True happiness will be found only in true love.
+%
+True leadership is the art of changing
+a group from what it is to what it ought to be.
+ -- Virginia Allan
+%
+True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of
+personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.
+ -- David Mamet
+%
+Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
+ -- Henrik Tikkanen
+%
+Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
+ -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy"
+%
+Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
+ -- Arabian proverb
+%
+TRUST ME:
+ Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
+%
+TRUST ME:
+ Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
+%
+Trust your husband, adore your husband,
+and get as much as you can in your own name.
+ -- Joan Rivers
+%
+Truth can wait; he's used to it.
+%
+Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always.
+ -- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+Truth is free, but information costs.
+%
+Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
+%
+Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.
+%
+Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy
+of him that brought her birth.
+ -- Milton
+%
+Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
+%
+Truthful, adj.:
+ Dumb and illiterate.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+try again
+%
+Try not to have a good time ...
+This is supposed to be educational.
+ -- Charles Schulz
+%
+Try not.
+Do.
+Or do not.
+There is no try.
+%
+Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
+%
+Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
+%
+Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
+%
+Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
+%
+Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, is
+it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written in four
+tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense. Watch for
+novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), defined by the imperfect past,
+the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
+ -- Amrom Katz
+%
+Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
+%
+Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
+%
+Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
+%
+Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
+specification is that it should run noiselessly.
+%
+Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.
+ -- Alan Watts
+%
+Trying to establish voice contact ... please _\by_\be_\bl_\bl into keyboard.
+%
+Trying to get an education here is like
+trying to take a drink from a fire hose.
+%
+T-shirt:
+ Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
+%
+Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
+%
+Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
+%
+Turn on, tune in, and take over.
+ -- Tim Leary
+%
+Turn the other cheek.
+ -- Jesus Christ
+%
+Turnaucka's Law:
+ The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
+ electrical cord.
+%
+Tussman's Law:
+ Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
+%
+TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
+ -- Frank Lloyd Wright
+%
+'Twas a woman who drove me to drink,
+and I never even had the decency to thank her.
+ -- R. B. Gossling
+%
+"Twas bergen and the eirie road
+Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son!
+All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails
+And the red bank bayonne. that claw!
+ Beware the bound brook bird, and shun
+He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw."
+Long time the folsom foe he sought
+Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood,
+And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame,
+ Came whippany through the englewood,
+One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came.
+ and through
+The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong?
+He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy!
+He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!"
+ He caldwell in his joy.
+Did mahwah into patterson:
+All jersey were the ocean groves,
+And the red bank bayonne.
+ -- Paul Kieffer
+%
+'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
+Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
+All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws
+And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch!
+ Beware the Jubjub bird,
+He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!"
+Long time the manxome foe he sought.
+So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood
+And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
+ Came whuffling through the tulgey wood
+One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came!
+ through
+The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
+He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
+And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!"
+ He chortled in his joy.
+'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
+Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
+All mimsy were the borogroves
+And the mome raths outgrabe.
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky"
+%
+'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers
+Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
+All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
+By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
+ Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
+He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
+Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
+Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
+And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
+ Came waffling with the truth too good,
+Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
+ and through
+The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
+It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
+He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
+ He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
+'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
+Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
+All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
+And mammon's wrath them bash!
+ -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
+%
+'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
+Did gyre and gimble in their cave
+All mimsy was the CS-VAX
+And Cory raths outgrabe.
+
+"Beware the software rot, my son!
+The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
+Beware the broken pipe, and shun
+The frumious system crash!"
+%
+'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans,
+Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot,
+So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way
+To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot.
+
+The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door
+Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by,
+Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air,
+On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye.
+
+She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale
+Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see,
+As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey
+And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea.
+ -- Midnight On The Ocean
+%
+'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one --
+When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun.
+Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh,
+A satellite spotted him making his way.
+The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire
+Was ready for action, and started to fire!
+The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky
+Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July.
+I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys
+When out of my chimney there came a great noise.
+I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see
+St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me.
+But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking:
+A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking!
+Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell;
+Outside burning toys like confetti they fell.
+So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone:
+The Star Wars computer had got something wrong.
+Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart;
+'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start.
+It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
+If the crazy contraption would work very well.
+So after a trillion or two had been spent
+The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
+So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
+There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
+%
+'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
+ preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
+ throughout our place of residence,
+Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the
+ possessors of this potential, including that
+ species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
+Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
+ edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
+Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
+ imminent visitation from an eccentric
+ philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
+ is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
+%
+Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+Twenty two thousand days.
+Twenty two thousand days.
+It's not a lot.
+It's all you've got.
+Twenty two thousand days.
+ -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
+%
+Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
+in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and
+was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy
+fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
+ Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
+"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
+ "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
+ Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
+collision course with that ship.
+ The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
+a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
+ Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
+ In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
+degrees!"
+ "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
+course 20 degrees."
+ By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
+battleship, change course 20 degrees."
+ Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
+ We changed course.
+ -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
+%
+Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
+ -- Howard Kandel
+%
+Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
+%
+Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The
+penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
+"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The
+owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
+up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
+away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
+the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
+the movies!"
+%
+Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
+barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
+ "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
+knows when to stop."
+%
+Two heads are better than one.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Two heads are more numerous than one.
+%
+Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
+performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
+British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
+Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
+her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
+a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon
+entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention,
+and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their
+search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the
+incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event
+became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers.
+%
+Two is company, three is an orgy.
+%
+Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
+%
+Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
+canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can
+call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
+end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
+ So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where
+are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
+ Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
+You're lost!"
+ The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
+ Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
+ "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second,
+he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
+%
+Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said,
+"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
+"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
+trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
+his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine
+the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself
+and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man
+did it and must pay three silver pieces."
+%
+Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
+%
+Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
+with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that
+toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
+ "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look
+at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
+dry side.
+ "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
+ "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side."
+%
+Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted.
+%
+Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
+%
+Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane.
+%
+Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By
+the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
+ "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
+%
+Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory.
+I forget the second.
+%
+Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one
+orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more
+and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When
+they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
+toasts him, "Skoal!"
+ The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come
+here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
+%
+Two wrongs are only the beginning.
+ -- Kohn
+%
+Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
+ -- Thomas Szasz
+%
+Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
+%
+Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain?
+In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain?
+What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp
+Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
+
+Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears
+The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears
+On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see?
+What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee?
+
+And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright
+Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night,
+And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye
+What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
+
+Could fetch it from the furnace deep
+And in thy horrid ribs dare steep
+In the well of sanguine woe?
+In what clay & in what mould
+Were thy eyes of fury roll'd?
+ -- William Blake, "The Tyger"
+%
+Type louder, please.
+%
+U: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
+ Run right up and rub its horn.
+ Look at all those points you're losing!
+ UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
+Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex.
+(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
+ -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
+%
+Udall's Fourth Law:
+ Any change or reform you make
+ is going to have consequences you don't like.
+%
+UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
+%
+Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then,
+straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate:
+Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.
+ -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
+%
+Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
+Sorry for the confusion.
+ -- Sun Microsystems
+%
+Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the
+woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some
+leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts
+coughing and drops dead.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
+ Never use your thumb for a rule.
+ You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
+%
+Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
+just man is also in prison.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
+ordinance under which you can be booked.
+ -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
+%
+Under deadline pressure for the next week.
+If you want something, it can wait.
+Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
+%
+Under every stone lurks a politician.
+ -- Aristophanes
+%
+Under the wide and heavy VAX
+Dig my grave and let me relax
+Long have I lived, and many my hacks
+And I lay me down with a will.
+These be the words that tell the way:
+"Here he lies who piped 64K,
+Brought down the machine for nearly a day,
+And Rogue playing to an awful standstill."
+%
+Under the wide and starry sky,
+Dig my grave and let me lie,
+Glad did I live and gladly die,
+And laid me down with a will,
+And this be the verse that you grave for me,
+Here he lies where he longed to be,
+Home is the sailor home from the sea,
+And the hunter home from the hill.
+ -- R. Kipling
+%
+Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
+ Superiority is recessive.
+%
+Understand, v.:
+ To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
+ you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
+ basis of your own internal model instead.
+%
+Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
+in relation to a bigger problem.
+ -- P. D. Ouspensky
+%
+UNFAIR COMPETITION:
+ Selling cheaper than we do.
+%
+Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
+friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
+throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
+slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
+ -- Jon Bentley
+%
+UNION:
+ A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
+%
+United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
+season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
+forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
+every persuasion. Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
+low over the world.
+ -- Isaac Asimov
+%
+Universe, n.:
+ The problem.
+%
+Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little
+in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
+%
+University, n.:
+ Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
+ usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell
+ you how to fix it, and...
+
+ [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
+ the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.]
+%
+University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
+ -- Henry Kissinger
+%
+UNIX enhancements aren't.
+%
+Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
+of more feet, just to be sure.
+ -- Eric Allman
+
+... We make rope.
+ -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory
+%
+Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix
+hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week --
+but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.
+People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the
+world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers.
+ -- E. Post
+ "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83
+%
+Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.
+ -- Donn Seeley
+%
+UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver
+lightning with a laserbeam kicker.
+ -- Michael Jay Tucker
+%
+UNIX is many things to many people,
+but it's never been everything to anybody.
+%
+Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.
+ -- Berry Kercheval
+%
+Unix, n.:
+ A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
+ impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
+ with the workstation harem.
+%
+unix soit qui mal y pense
+%
+UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
+Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
+ -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
+%
+UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
+would also stop you from doing clever things.
+ -- Doug Gwyn
+%
+Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
+%
+Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime
+between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white
+and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.
+ -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
+%
+Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
+of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
+a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
+be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
+time waste me.
+ -- William Shakespeare
+%
+Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
+ -- e. e. cummings
+%
+Unnamed Law:
+ If it happens, it must be possible.
+%
+Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking,
+unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book.
+ -- Edward Gibbon
+%
+Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now
+pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
+Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
+ -- Richard Armour
+%
+UNTOLD WEALTH:
+ What you left out on April 15th.
+%
+Up against the net, redneck mother,
+Mother who has raised your son so well;
+He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh,
+Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell...
+%
+Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
+%
+Use a pun, go to jail.
+%
+Use an accordion. Go to jail.
+ -- KFOG, San Francisco
+%
+Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent
+if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
+ -- Henry Van Dyke
+%
+USENET would be a better laboratory is there were
+more labor and less oratory.
+ -- Elizabeth Haley
+%
+User hostile.
+%
+User, n.:
+ A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
+%
+User, n.:
+ The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"
+
+[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used
+ when they meant "idiot." Ed.]
+%
+Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging
+an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone
+living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench.
+ -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University
+%
+Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
+ -- S. C. Johnson
+%
+Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
+text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
+goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
+didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
+
+I always hated those adventure games.
+ -- David Gerard
+%
+Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+/usr/news/gotcha
+%
+Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
+ -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
+%
+Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
+opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
+ -- Doug Larson
+%
+VACATION:
+ A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
+ it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
+ life-style to recuperate.
+%
+Vail's Second Axiom:
+ The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
+ amount of work already completed.
+%
+Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ...
+Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ...
+ -- Tom Chapin
+%
+Van Roy's Law:
+ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+%
+Van Roy's Law:
+ Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.
+
+Van Roy's Truism:
+ Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
+%
+Vanilla, adj.:
+ Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
+very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
+extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
+"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
+and sour won ton soup.
+%
+Variables don't; constants aren't.
+%
+Vax Vobiscum
+%
+Vegetables are what food eats.
+Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
+Fish are fast moving vegetables.
+Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
+ -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
+%
+Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat.
+%
+Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
+ 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
+ 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
+%
+Veni, Vidi, VISA:
+ I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
+%
+Verba volant, scripta manent!
+%
+Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
+ -- E. F. Benson
+%
+Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The
+reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of
+thirty-five.
+ -- Joel Hildebrand
+%
+Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
+%
+Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an
+infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
+could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
+somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
+ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
+quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
+lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
+outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
+little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
+for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
+screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
+is presumably working on it.
+%
+Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen
+at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects.
+ -- Herodotus
+%
+Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
+%
+VI:
+ A hungry dog hunts best.
+ A hungrier dog hunts even better.
+VII:
+ Decreased business base increases overhead.
+ So does increased business base.
+VIII:
+ The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator
+ is fifth grade arithmetic.
+IX:
+ Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
+ possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D.
+X:
+ Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
+ People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+Victory uber allies!
+%
+Viking, n.:
+ 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers,
+ entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import
+ business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes.
+ 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning
+ in the 9th century.
+
+Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used
+only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront
+property.
+%
+Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
+Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
+ waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
+%
+Vini, vidi, vici.
+[I came, I saw, I conquered].
+ -- Gaius Julius Caesar
+%
+"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked
+violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method
+ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the
+issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
+%
+Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
+%
+Violence is molding.
+%
+Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
+ -- Salvor Hardin
+%
+Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then
+there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
+frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
+weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
+impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
+shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
+ -- Tom Robbins
+%
+VIRGINIA:
+ A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
+ baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
+%
+Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
+yard.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
+ You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
+sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
+fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
+%
+VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.22)
+ Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count
+ to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
+ morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
+ wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
+ that old underwear you own.
+%
+"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
+%
+Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice --
+only the willingness to make it when necessary.
+ -- Frederick Dunn
+%
+Virtue is its own punishment.
+ -- Denniston
+
+Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment.
+ -- Aneurin Bevan
+%
+Virtue is not left to stand alone.
+He who practices it will have neighbors.
+ -- Confucius
+%
+Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
+%
+Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota.
+%
+Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
+%
+Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.
+ -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
+%
+Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
+from where you left them to where you can't find them.
+%
+Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
+%
+VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
+%
+VMS, n.:
+ The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
+%
+VMS version 2.0 ==>
+%
+Voiceless it cries,
+Wingless flutters,
+Toothless bites,
+Mouthless mutters.
+What am I?
+%
+VOLCANO:
+ A mountain with hiccups.
+%
+Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim
+And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
+And to him who's scientific
+There is nothing that's terrific
+In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts!
+ -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
+%
+Volley Theory:
+ It is better to have lobbed and lost
+ than never to have lobbed at all.
+%
+Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann
+supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on
+the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked
+how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
+information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von
+Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.".
+%
+Vote anarchist.
+%
+Vote early and vote often.
+ -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
+ campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won.
+%
+Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
+TAX-DEFERRED!
+%
+VUJA DE:
+ The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
+%
+Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.
+ -- Pericles
+%
+Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
+1st customer: "I'll have tea."
+2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
+ (Waiter exits, returns)
+Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
+%
+Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
+Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
+Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
+Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.
+
+Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
+Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
+Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
+Make our country well again, respected by the world.
+
+Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
+Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
+Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
+Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
+ -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
+%
+Wake up and smell the coffee.
+ -- Ann Landers
+%
+Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered
+a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
+%
+Walk softly and carry a big stick.
+ -- Theodore Roosevelt
+%
+Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
+%
+Walking on water wasn't built in a day.
+ -- Jack Kerouac
+%
+Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions
+ -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics
+ (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.)
+%
+Walt: Dad, what's gradual school?
+Garp: Gradual school?
+Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
+ gradual school.
+Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
+ find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
+ -- The World According To Garp
+%
+Walters' Rule:
+ All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from
+ the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation
+ on a plane that left Gate 1.
+%
+Wanna buy a duck?
+%
+Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
+A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
+But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
+When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
+ black gold; "Texas tea" ...
+
+Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
+The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
+They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be",
+So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
+ swimmin' pools; movie stars.
+%
+War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
+%
+War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
+ -- Charles Edward Montague
+%
+War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
+%
+War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.
+ -- Desiderius Erasmus
+%
+War is like love, it always finds a way.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
+%
+War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
+ -- Clemenceau
+%
+War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
+%
+War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
+ -- Anacreon
+%
+WARNING:
+ Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
+ mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth
+ of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome
+ of your favorite war.
+%
+WARNING!
+ This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need!
+A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the
+user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program
+to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional
+to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only
+aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the
+entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause
+it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice
+things to the terminal.
+%
+Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
+%
+Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
+those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
+up.
+ -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
+%
+Warning: Trespassers will be shot.
+Survivors will be shot again.
+%
+WARNING!!!
+This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need.
+
+A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the
+operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the
+machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional
+to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence
+only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine
+may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool
+and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work.
+
+See also: flog(1), tm(1)
+%
+Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
+%
+Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles
+In children's circuses could stay their troubles?
+There was a time they could cry over books,
+But time has set its maggot on their track.
+Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe.
+What's never known is safest in this life.
+Under the skysigns they who have no arms
+Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost
+Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best.
+ -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time"
+%
+Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
+%
+Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
+ -- John F. Kennedy
+%
+[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for
+the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.
+ -- Ada Louise Huxtable
+%
+Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810.
+%
+Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer
+knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
+%
+Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
+ -- Euripides
+%
+Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
+%
+Wasting time is an important part of living.
+%
+Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal.
+%
+Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Watership Down:
+You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
+%
+Watson's Law:
+ The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
+ number and significance of any persons watching it.
+%
+WE:
+ The single most important word in the world.
+%
+We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on
+when it's necessary to compromise.
+ -- Larry Wall
+%
+We all declare for liberty, but in using the
+same word we do not all mean the same thing.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
+%
+We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
+%
+We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
+%
+We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.
+ -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
+%
+We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
+ -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
+%
+We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
+whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
+is that it is not crazy enough.
+ -- Niels Bohr
+%
+We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
+before we are fit to participate in society.
+ -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly
+ Correct Behaviour"
+%
+We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
+%
+We are all born mad. Some remain so.
+ -- Samuel Beckett
+%
+We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
+%
+We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.
+ -- Albert Schweitzer
+%
+We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+We are anthill men upon an anthill world.
+ -- Ray Bradbury
+%
+We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
+ -- Whole Earth Catalog
+%
+We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
+%
+We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
+ -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
+%
+We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
+own facts.
+ -- Patrick Moynihan
+%
+We are each only one drop in a great
+ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
+%
+We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
+%
+We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese
+dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies.
+ -- J. Hoover
+%
+We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
+socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad
+thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
+ -- Fidel Castro
+%
+We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant.
+Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
+%
+We are not a clone.
+%
+We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.
+ -- John Fisher
+%
+We are not alone.
+%
+We are not loved by our friends for what we are;
+rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.
+ -- Victor Hugo
+%
+We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
+theorem.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to
+develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers
+Manual.
+ -- Andrew Hume
+%
+We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property.
+%
+We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
+ -- Jonathan Swift
+%
+We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check
+the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance.
+
+This is a recording.
+%
+We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and
+share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft
+our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air,
+leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine
+the substance that cast them.
+%
+We are the people our parents warned us about.
+%
+We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
+to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
+ -- GI in Vietnam, 1970
+%
+We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
+The order is not insignificant.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+We are what we are.
+%
+We are what we pretend to be.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
+%
+We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
+%
+We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
+ -- Yates
+%
+We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
+technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
+We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
+ -- Sir Francis Bacon
+%
+We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
+deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
+ -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
+%
+We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
+feet and go skating.
+ -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist
+%
+We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth,
+take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send
+forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search
+into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and
+beautiful Universe, Our home.
+ -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler
+%
+We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
+ -- Vroomfondel
+%
+We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.
+ -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach
+%
+We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
+%
+We don't care how they do it in New York.
+%
+We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
+ -- James Watt, noted theologian
+%
+We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
+%
+We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish.
+%
+We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure
+that it wasn't a fish.
+ -- Marshall McLuhan
+%
+We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
+ -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962
+%
+We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control.
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation
+We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control
+No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings
+Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone?
+Chorus: (Chorus)
+ Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.
+
+We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation
+We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes
+No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging
+Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
+(Chorus) (Chorus)
+ -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
+%
+We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
+%
+We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
+ -- Walter Summers
+%
+We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't
+understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
+%
+We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
+Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to
+visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological
+hammer.
+ -- Charles Darwin
+%
+We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
+ -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
+%
+We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
+%
+We gotta get out of this place,
+If it's the last thing we ever do.
+ -- The Animals
+%
+We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
+hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
+mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
+our grave singing Hallelujah ...
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
+%
+We have art that we do not die of the truth.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
+%
+We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
+levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly,
+almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
+men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
+Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result
+is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
+creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
+redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
+ -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
+%
+We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.
+ -- Carl Sagan
+%
+We have met the enemy, and he is us.
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent
+than from the machinations of the wicked.
+%
+We have no scorched earth policy.
+We have a policy of scorched Communists.
+ -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
+%
+We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from
+our children.
+%
+We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.
+ -- Margaret Mead
+%
+We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get
+back to normal, and that they already have.
+%
+We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place.
+ -- John Berryman
+%
+We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
+%
+We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
+official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
+Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
+you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
+said "ELECTROCUTION".
+
+Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
+teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
+process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
+couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
+out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
+stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
+floor, which is how the police would find you.
+
+You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
+%
+We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
+%
+We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog,
+star of "The Muppet Show." [3]
+
+[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we
+were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of
+character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol
+after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an
+acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the
+letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while
+looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed
+that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs
+should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our
+source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky
+instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for
+publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission
+to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission
+was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the
+temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book."
+ -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol"
+%
+We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary
+to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know.
+Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition
+to crave knowledge.
+ -- George Will
+%
+We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support
+of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support
+the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we
+know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in
+which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or
+about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as
+his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our
+hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on
+pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly
+by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose
+feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay.
+ -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764
+%
+We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.
+ -- Eric Hoffer
+%
+We love our little Johnny
+He's the best little boy in all the world
+And we wouldn't trade him for anything
+That's how much we love him.
+No, we couldn't live without him
+So that's why, since he died,
+We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer.
+He's so good, so well-behaved,
+Even better than before;
+Oh, such a wonderful kid he is.
+Alice and me, we'll never be lonely,
+Never miss our little Johnny,
+He'll never grow up and leave us
+That's why we love him like we do.
+ -- Mr. Mincemeat
+%
+"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call
+free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens
+show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do
+our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."
+ -- Cameron Hawley
+%
+We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
+than malnutrition.
+ -- Alex Comfort
+%
+We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely
+intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people
+think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be
+best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with
+the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand
+and speak English.
+ -- Alan M. Turing
+%
+We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern
+their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of
+their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor
+Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say
+nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among
+themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a
+proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition,
+we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the
+Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but
+internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof
+of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be
+accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on
+earth.
+ -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options"
+%
+We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever
+popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take
+under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light
+of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays,
+filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour.
+ -- Nolo News, summer 1989
+%
+We may not return the affection of those who like us,
+but we always respect their good judgment.
+%
+...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection
+by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations.
+I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized
+brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as
+an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting
+functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often
+uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities
+of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection.
+ -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
+%
+We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn
+of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it.
+ -- Saul Alinsky
+%
+We must die because we have known them.
+ -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
+%
+We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
+condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like
+the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of
+chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan
+for chess.
+ -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
+ (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
+ of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
+ "Stalin," published London, 1939
+%
+...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not
+we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up
+in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of
+the past.
+ -- Joseph Wood Krutch
+%
+We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
+the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
+is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
+ -- Walter Lippmann
+%
+We must remember the First Amendment which
+protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking.
+ -- F. G. Withington
+%
+We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to
+the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his
+children smart.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
+%
+We only acknowledge small faults in order
+to make it appear that we are free from great ones.
+ -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
+%
+We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
+people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
+For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
+to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
+fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
+primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
+ugly paneling is to begin with.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the
+originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has
+forgotten its source.
+ -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
+%
+We prefer to speak evil of ourselves
+rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
+%
+We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
+%
+We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
+content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
+ -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
+%
+We read to say that we have read.
+%
+We really don't have any enemies.
+It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
+%
+We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
+ -- Thucydides
+%
+We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
+Only non-sense attains perfection.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
+ -- Jean de la Bruyere
+%
+We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
+in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
+stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
+is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been
+born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken
+out and shot.
+ -- Strange de Jim
+%
+We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were
+taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things
+themselves.
+ -- John Locke
+%
+We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents.
+Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
+ -- Dennis Miller
+%
+We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
+ -- S. I. Hayakawa
+%
+We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
+remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
+the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
+the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
+states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals.
+These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who
+want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that
+they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and
+who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country.
+ -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner
+%
+We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible.
+We've done so much, for so long, with so little,
+that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
+%
+We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities,
+ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote
+preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves
+and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States
+of America.
+%
+We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
+size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
+fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
+are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
+
+EUPHEMISM REALITY
+------------------- -------------------------
+Excited about life's journey No concept of reality
+Spiritually evolved Oversensitive
+Moody Manic-depressive
+Soulful Quiet manic-depressive
+Poet Boring manic-depressive
+Sultry/Sensual Easy
+Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills
+Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills
+Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills
+Very human Quasimodo's best friend
+Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still
+Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained
+Flexible Desperate
+Aging child Self-centered adult
+Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it
+Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television
+%
+We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
+size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In
+fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here
+are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:
+
+EUPHEMISM REALITY
+------------------- -------------------------
+Independent thinker Crazy
+High spirited Crazy and hyperactive
+Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible
+Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious
+Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple
+Cuddly Overweight
+Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love)
+Big and beautiful Really Fat
+Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud
+Svelte/Slender Anorexic
+Dynamic Pushy
+Assertive Pushy with a mean streak
+Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung
+Demanding Will make your life a living hell
+Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich
+%
+We totally deny the allegations, and
+we're trying to identify the allegators.
+%
+We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
+There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
+borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
+ -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
+%
+[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.
+ -- R. W. Hamming
+%
+We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here
+depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.
+ -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
+%
+We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh
+[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run
+behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around,
+but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The
+next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come
+a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder.
+The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says
+to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
+ -- Satchel Paige
+%
+We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we
+were married for four and a half years.
+ -- Nick Faldo
+%
+We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
+%
+We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.
+If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.
+ -- Crazy Jimmy
+%
+We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was
+also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
+French restaurant. [...]
+ I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
+white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her
+boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the
+bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad
+rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished
+there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
+ "Stop the car," the girl said.
+ There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the
+woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an
+arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
+ "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
+belle's for thee."
+ The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
+Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
+onto my granola and faced a new day.
+ -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
+ Competition
+%
+We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal
+tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous
+extinction.
+ -- S. J. Gould
+%
+We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve
+one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
+%
+we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
+we will cry over things we used to laugh &
+our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle
+creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
+in the end a summer with wild winds &
+new friends will be.
+%
+We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide
+power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes,
+planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the
+use of this material.
+ -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's
+ Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting
+ and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights
+%
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+We wish you a Hare Krishna
+And a Sun Myung Moon!
+ -- Maxwell Smart
+%
+WEAPON:
+ An index of the lack of development of a culture.
+%
+Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Wedding, n.:
+ A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one
+ undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become
+ supportable.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
+%
+Weed's Axiom:
+ Never ask two questions in a business letter.
+ The reply will discuss the one in which you are
+ least interested and say nothing about the other.
+%
+Weekend, where are you?
+%
+Weiler's Law:
+ Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
+ himself.
+%
+Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
+rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that
+was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
+question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"
+
+Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
+ -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
+%
+Weinberg's First Law:
+ Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
+%
+Weinberg's Principle:
+ An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
+ on to the grand fallacy.
+%
+Weinberg's Second Law:
+ If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
+ then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
+ -- Gerald Weinberg
+%
+Weiner's Law of Libraries:
+ There are no answers, only cross references.
+%
+Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter.
+He'll come in handy if you run out of food.
+ -- Dean McLaughlin
+%
+Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?
+
+D G G O
+
+O Y A N
+
+A D B T
+
+K I S P
+Enter words:
+>
+%
+Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong,
+The women are pretty, and the children are above-average.
+ -- Garrison Keillor
+%
+Welcome to the Zoo!
+%
+Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the
+use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
+demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
+sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
+can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
+the reader! For example, the sentence
+
+ Jane went to the store to buy bread
+
+should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
+sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
+cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
+Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
+of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
+my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
+Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
+standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
+%
+Welcome to Utah.
+If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
+%
+Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
+that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
+all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
+James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
+women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
+*thousands* of words to say it.
+ Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
+Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
+Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
+what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
+as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
+major world power.
+ I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
+the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
+out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
+ Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
+
+* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
+ nature and will kill you.
+* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday
+night. Live, on the Death label.
+ -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise"
+%
+Well begun is half done.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
+no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
+hundred."
+ -- The Mahabharata
+%
+We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
+%
+Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
+%
+Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing.
+ -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information
+ Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph
+ Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be
+ at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles
+ per hour, December 7, 1941.
+%
+Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
+Might as well have put it down the drain.
+Fancy giving money to the Government!
+Nobody will see the stuff again.
+Well, they've no idea what money's for --
+Ten to one they'll start another war.
+I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
+Fancy giving money to the Government!
+ -- A. P. Herbert
+%
+We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter.
+%
+Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government,
+to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.
+ -- Laurie Anderson
+%
+Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
+lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
+governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
+reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
+contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
+will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
+most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
+appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
+morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
+interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
+guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
+the entire show without answering a single question ...
+ -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
+%
+Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five,
+The headline screamed that I was still alive,
+I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night.
+I dreamed I'd been in a border town,
+In a little cantina that the boys had found,
+I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds.
+When along came a senorita,
+She looked so good that I had to meet her,
+I was ready to approach her with my English charm,
+When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm,
+And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo,
+Grow some funk of your own.
+We no like to with the gringo fight,
+But there might be a death in Mexico tonite.
+...
+Take my advice, take the next flight,
+And grow some funk, grow your funk at home.
+ -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own"
+%
+Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
+back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
+or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
+couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
+ -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
+%
+Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *_\bc_\ba_\bn*
+you believe?!
+ -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
+%
+Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted.
+ -- James Thurber
+%
+Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal
+rights.
+ -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
+%
+Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
+%
+We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
+%
+WE'LL LOOK INTO IT:
+ By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
+ assume you will have forgotten about it,too.
+%
+Well, my daddy left home when I was three,
+And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
+Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
+Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
+But the meanest thing that he ever did,
+Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
+...
+But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
+I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
+And kill the man that give me that awful name.
+It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
+I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
+Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
+At an old saloon on a street of mud,
+Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
+Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
+...
+Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
+From a worn out picture that my Mother had,
+And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
+ -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
+%
+Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
+And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
+I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
+I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
+Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
+'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
+I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+
+On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
+But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
+Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
+I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
+ -- Core Dumped Blues
+%
+Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
+bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
+doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
+ -- Wayne Pascoe
+%
+We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
+%
+Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
+And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling,
+But I take delight in the juice of the barley,
+And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early.
+%
+Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
+%
+Well, the handwriting is on the floor.
+ -- Joe E. Lewis
+%
+We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens,
+we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+Well, we'll really have a party,
+but we've gotta post a guard outside.
+ -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
+%
+"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in
+poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come
+and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"
+ -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
+%
+Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
+And we're loved everywhere we go.
+We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
+At ten thousand dollars a show.
+We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
+But the thrill we've never known,
+Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
+On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
+
+I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
+Who embroiders on my jeans.
+I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
+Drivin' my limousine.
+Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
+But our minds won't be really be blown;
+Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
+On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
+
+We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
+Who'll do anything we say.
+We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
+We got all the friends that money can buy,
+So we never have to be alone.
+And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
+On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
+ -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
+ [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
+%
+Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some
+higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you.
+%
+WELL-ADJUSTED:
+ The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
+%
+We
+own
+this land.
+
+I don't spend
+any time
+on this land.
+
+This
+is a tiny
+little piece
+
+of my
+business
+interests.
+
+It's like
+a grain
+of sand.
+ -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot,
+ recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992.
+ From SPY Magazine, November 1992
+%
+We're all in this alone.
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
+people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
+Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual
+and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
+it's not going to do anything for you.
+ -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
+%
+We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
+the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
+you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
+in his bowl full of jelly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable
+things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend
+and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.
+ -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs
+%
+We're happy little Vegemites,
+ As bright as bright can be.
+We all enjoy our Vegemite
+ For breakfast, lunch and tea.
+%
+Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the
+formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite
+shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide
+a grin.
+ -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
+%
+We're Knights of the Round Table
+We dance whene'er we're able
+We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table
+With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable
+We dine well here in Camelot But many times
+We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes
+ That are quite unsingable
+In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot
+Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
+Between our quests
+We sequin vests
+And impersonate Clark Gable
+It's a busy life in Camelot.
+I have to push the pram a lot.
+ -- Monty Python
+%
+We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold.
+ -- D. W. Robertson
+%
+We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
+but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
+then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for?
+ -- Ensign Flandry
+%
+"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
+weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
+the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
+unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
+responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
+desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must
+learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
+short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
+ -- Don Juan
+%
+We're only in it for the volume.
+ -- Black Sabbath
+%
+Were there no women, men might live like gods.
+ -- Thomas Dekker
+%
+Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
+%
+Westheimer's Discovery:
+ A couple of months in the laboratory can
+ frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
+%
+Wethern's Law:
+ Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
+%
+We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
+of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
+but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
+ -- Andy Rooney
+%
+We've tried each spinning space mote
+And reckoned its true worth:
+Take us back again to the homes of men
+On the cool, green hills of Earth.
+
+The arching sky is calling
+Spacemen back to their trade.
+All hands! Standby! Free falling!
+And the lights below us fade.
+Out ride the sons of Terra,
+Far drives the thundering jet,
+Up leaps the race of Earthmen,
+Out, far, and onward yet--
+
+We pray for one last landing
+On the globe that gave us birth;
+Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies
+And the cool, green hills of Earth.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941
+%
+Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay?
+%
+What!? Me worry?
+ -- A. E. Neuman
+%
+What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
+by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
+Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
+ -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"
+%
+What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to
+understand what a misfortune it is.
+ -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
+%
+What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
+ -- WOP, "War Games"
+%
+What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.
+ -- Christopher Fry
+%
+What an artist dies with me!
+ -- Nero
+%
+What an author likes to write most is his signature on the
+back of a cheque.
+ -- Brendan Francis
+%
+What awful irony is this?
+We are as gods, but know it not.
+%
+What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
+%
+What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
+%
+What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
+Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
+You and I know that a burden and a cross,
+Can only be carried on one man's back.
+ -- Louden Wainwright III
+%
+What did you bring that book I didn't want
+to be read to out of about Down Under up for?
+%
+What did you do when the ship sank?
+I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore.
+%
+What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person
+is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
+that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is
+the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
+live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
+others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.
+%
+What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
+ -- Jerry Lester
+%
+What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
+Not enough sand.
+%
+What does education often do?
+It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
+What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
+%
+What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
+win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
+In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
+that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
+simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a
+base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second,
+a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
+activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
+the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate
+and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
+words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young
+Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
+conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
+Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
+and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
+ -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt
+%
+What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+What ever happened to happily ever after?
+%
+What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them?
+ -- Roger von Oech
+%
+What foods these morsels be!
+%
+What fools these morals be!
+%
+What fools these mortals be.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
+%
+What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
+%
+What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so
+that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our
+country. Nice try anyway, George.
+ -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA
+%
+What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down
+where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's.
+%
+What good is a ticket to the good life,
+if you can't find the entrance?
+%
+What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
+ -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
+%
+What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
+in his footsteps?
+%
+What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
+ -- Ashleigh Brilliant
+%
+What happened last night can happen again.
+%
+What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations
+involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will
+be pretty bad.
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+What happens to a dream deferred?
+Does it dry up
+Like a raisin in the sun?
+Or fester like a sore --
+And then run?
+Does it stink like rotten meat?
+Or crust and sugar over --
+Like a syrupy sweet?
+
+Maybe it just sags
+Like a heavy load.
+
+Or does it explode?
+ -- Langston Hughes
+%
+What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
+%
+What has roots as nobody sees,
+Is taller than trees,
+Up, up it goes,
+And yet never grows?
+%
+What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
+stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
+barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
+from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
+while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
+dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
+powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
+bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
+one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
+lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
+you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
+if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
+that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
+they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
+flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
+%
+What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be
+broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
+is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
+sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
+with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
+came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
+parties.
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
+%
+What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
+In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
+Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+What if there had been room at the inn?
+ -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity
+%
+What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
+ -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
+%
+What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each
+other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be
+improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few
+boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied:
+
+ 1. We may not change our thinking habits.
+ 2. We may not change our programming tools.
+ 3. We may not change our hardware.
+ 4. We may not change our tasks.
+ 5. We may not change the organizational set-up
+ in which the work has to be done.
+
+Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to
+improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous.
+
+Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972
+%
+What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things?
+ -- J. M. Barrie
+%
+What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
+them puke.
+ -- Steve Martin
+%
+What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.
+ -- Titus Lucretius Carus
+%
+What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the
+will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of
+weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue
+but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of
+our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance.
+What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and
+all the weak: Christianity.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
+enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
+out of him.
+ -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
+%
+What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires
+an accomplice.
+ -- Charles Baudelaire
+%
+What is love but a second-hand emotion?
+ -- Tina Turner
+%
+What is mind? No matter.
+What is matter? Never mind.
+ -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875)
+%
+What is now proved was once only imagin'd.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+What is research but a blind date with knowledge?
+ -- Will Harvey
+%
+What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
+%
+What is status?
+ Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.
+
+Uh, no...
+ Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
+ problem with him.
+
+Uh, that still ain't right...
+ STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
+ and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a
+ minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
+%
+What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer?
+It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the
+establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
+%
+"What is the Nature of God?"
+
+ CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
+ 1 QT. SOUR CREAM
+ 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
+ 1/2 CUT CHIVES.
+ STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
+
+"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
+ -- Bloom County
+%
+What is the sound of one hand clapping?
+%
+What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer
+if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer.
+ -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth
+ from outside Sinanju named Remo.
+%
+What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed
+of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that
+is the first law of nature.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
+to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
+may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
+simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
+big thumping lie that will then be believed.
+ -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
+ British civilian morale, 1939
+%
+What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
+which is the exact opposite.
+ -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928
+%
+What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
+%
+What I've done, of course, is total garbage.
+ -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
+%
+What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither
+goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
+ -- Jack Kerouac
+%
+What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
+ -- Adolf Hitler
+%
+What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend
+is that there's nothing to compare it with.
+%
+What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us
+is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
+%
+What makes you think graduate school
+is supposed to be satisfying?
+ -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
+%
+What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility.
+%
+What no spouse of a writer can ever understand
+is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
+%
+What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!
+A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
+ -- Wilde
+%
+What on earth would a man do with himself
+if something did not stand in his way?
+ -- H. G. Wells
+%
+What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
+ -- John Lilly
+%
+What one fool can do, another can.
+ -- Ancient Simian proverb
+%
+What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
+%
+What pains others pleasures me,
+At home am I in Lisp or C;
+There i couch in ecstasy,
+'Til debugger's poke i flee,
+Into kernel memory.
+In system space, system space, there shall i fare--
+Inside of a VAX on a silicon square.
+%
+What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.
+ -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
+%
+What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing
+more than man's transparency.
+ -- George Nathan
+%
+What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
+It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
+and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
+and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes,
+women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
+mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
+and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort.
+ -- Susan Gordon
+%
+What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few
+of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once
+were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
+impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
+enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit
+till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he
+look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all
+the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and
+discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond
+their grasp before they were five years old.
+ -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
+%
+What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
+ -- Ursula K. LeGuin
+%
+What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
+ -- J. D. Farley
+%
+What segment's this, that, laid to rest
+On FHA0, is sleeping?
+What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run,"
+While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone.
+ Dump, dump it and type it out,
+ The file, the highseg of login.
+Why lies it here, on public disk
+And why is it now unprotected?
+A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now
+And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected.
+ Dump, dump it and type it out,
+ The file, the highseg of login.
+ -- to Greensleeves
+%
+What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
+%
+What soon grows old? Gratitude.
+ -- Aristotle
+%
+What, still alive at twenty-two,
+A clean upstanding chap like you?
+Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
+Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
+Like enough, you won't be glad,
+When they come to hang you, lad:
+But bacon's not the only thing
+That's cured by hanging from a string.
+So, when the spilt ink of the night
+Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
+Lads whose job is still to do
+Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
+ -- Hugh Kingsmill
+%
+What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went
+around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
+%
+What the hell is it good for?
+ -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems
+ Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the
+ microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
+%
+What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
+%
+What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
+ -- Nikita Khruschev
+%
+What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
+%
+What they said:
+ What they meant:
+
+"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
+ (Yes, that about sums it up.)
+"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
+ (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
+"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
+ (What a screw-up.)
+"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
+ (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
+"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
+a long way with his skills."
+ (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
+"You won't find many people like her."
+ (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
+"I cannot recommend him too highly."
+ (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
+ felony in my presence.)
+%
+What they said:
+ What they meant:
+
+"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
+of him as I do."
+ (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
+"Her input was always critical."
+ (She never had a good word to say.)
+"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
+ (And it's nonexistent.)
+"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
+already has so many outstanding members."
+ (Unless you already have a moron.)
+"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
+one unbelievable result after another."
+ (And we didn't believe them, either.)
+"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
+ (In fact, to life in general...)
+%
+What they said:
+ What they meant:
+
+"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
+ (We certainly never succeeded.)
+There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
+ (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
+"Success will never spoil him."
+ (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
+"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
+ (And such a sigh of relief.)
+"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
+in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
+ (And his IQ, as well.)
+"He should go far."
+ (The farther the better.)
+"He will take full advantage of his staff."
+ (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
+%
+What they say: What they mean:
+
+A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board.
+Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident.
+Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else.
+ to unforeseen difficulties
+Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two.
+Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be
+ assured grateful for anything at all.
+Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers!
+Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised!
+The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got
+ to say something.
+The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit.
+We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're
+ approach kicking it around.
+A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but
+ we're moving.
+Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on.
+ inconclusive
+Modifications are underway We're starting over.
+%
+What they say: What they mean:
+
+New Different colors from previous version.
+All New Not compatible with previous version.
+Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
+Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
+Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
+Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
+Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
+Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
+Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
+Years of Development Finally got one to work.
+Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
+Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
+Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
+No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
+Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
+Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
+Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
+Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
+%
+What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
+%
+What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
+%
+What time is it?
+I don't know, it keeps changing.
+%
+What upsets me is not that you lied to me,
+but that from now on I can no longer believe you.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
+ -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
+%
+What we Are is God's give to us.
+What we Become is our gift to God.
+%
+What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.
+ -- Wittgenstein
+%
+What we do not understand we do not possess.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
+nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
+Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
+launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
+remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
+process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
+be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+What we need is either less corruption,
+or more chance to participate in it.
+%
+What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
+ -- John Lubbock
+%
+What we wish, that we readily believe.
+ -- Demosthenes
+%
+What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
+2038 does not bear thinking about.
+ -- Henry Spencer
+%
+What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
+%
+What would you do with a brain if you had one?
+ -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz"
+%
+What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
+%
+What you don't know won't help you much either.
+ -- D. Bennett
+%
+What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
+your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
+your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel
+powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
+with as you will.
+ -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
+%
+What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
+something to occur to you.
+ -- Robert Frost
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to AST's.]
+%
+Whatever became of eternal truth?
+%
+Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
+cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your
+nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while
+shredding hundred dollar bills."
+ -- Herb Caen
+%
+Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will
+never succeed.
+ -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
+%
+Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
+performance.
+ -- Helen Lawrenson
+%
+Whatever happened to the good old days
+when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
+%
+Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
+nailed down.
+ -- Collis P. Huntingdon
+%
+Whatever is not nailed down is mine.
+Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.
+ -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
+%
+Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
+ -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
+%
+Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
+cockroaches!
+ -- Mom
+%
+Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
+as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
+ -- Charlotte Whitton
+%
+Whatever you do will be insignificant,
+but it is very important that you do it.
+ -- Mahatma Gandhi
+%
+Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
+other people.
+ -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
+%
+Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
+%
+What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority.
+ -- Robert Altman
+%
+What's all this bru-ha-ha?
+%
+What's another word for "thesaurus"?
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+What's done to children, they will do to society.
+%
+What's page one, a preemptive strike?
+ -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
+%
+What's so funny?
+%
+What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong
+with every one of us - and that's "selfishness."
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+What's the ugliest part of your body?
+What's the ugliest part of your body?
+Some say your nose,
+Some say your toes,
+But I think it's your mind.
+ -- Frank Zappa, 1965
+%
+What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
+ -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
+%
+What's this stuff about people being "released on their
+own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
+%
+When a Banker jumps out of a window,
+jump after him -- that's where the money is.
+ -- Robespierre
+%
+When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
+%
+When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
+%
+When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but
+the principle of the thing," it's the money.
+ -- Kin Hubbard
+%
+When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
+loop?
+%
+When a girl can read the handwriting on
+the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room.
+%
+When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
+inattentions of one.
+ -- Helen Rowland
+%
+When a lion meets another with a louder roar,
+the first lion thinks the last a bore.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+When a lot of remedies are suggested for
+a disease, that means it can't be cured.
+ -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
+%
+When a man assumes a public trust, he
+should consider himself as public property.
+ -- Thomas Jefferson
+%
+When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight,
+it concentrates his mind wonderfully.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
+keep her.
+ -- Sacha Guitry
+%
+When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
+ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
+with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a
+liar who has broken his promises.
+ -- Franklin Adams
+%
+When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
+%
+When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not
+far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel
+is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
+ -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
+%
+When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see
+the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
+relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
+ -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
+%
+When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises:
+first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it.
+ -- Donnay
+%
+When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband.
+When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
+ -- Wilde
+%
+When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
+yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.
+
+Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive
+out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
+by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
+to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead
+that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
+looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
+poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill
+him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
+death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
+story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could
+the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of
+paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job.
+ -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security
+%
+When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people
+interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been
+honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.
+ -- The Grab Bag
+%
+When all else fails, EAT!!!
+%
+When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
+the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter
+knob.
+ -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
+%
+When all else fails, try Kate Smith.
+%
+When all other means of communication fail, try words.
+%
+When among apes, one must play the ape.
+%
+When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
+tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?
+ -- Reuben Flagg
+%
+When arguments fail, use a blackjack.
+ -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate
+%
+When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
+the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
+ -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
+%
+When asked the definition of "pi":
+The Mathematician:
+ Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
+ circumference of a circle and its diameter.
+The Physicist:
+ Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005.
+The Engineer:
+ Pi is about 3.
+%
+When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
+%
+When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
+ -- Brian Aldiss
+%
+When choosing between two evils, I always
+like to take the one I've never tried before.
+ -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie"
+%
+When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite
+easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
+handle this?"
+%
+When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect!
+%
+When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
+was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists
+never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
+declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
+that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
+consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
+ -- Josef Goebbels
+%
+When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?
+%
+When does later become never?
+%
+When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?
+Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
+%
+When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.
+ -- Gen. C. Abrams
+%
+When forecasting, give them a number
+or give them a date, but never both.
+%
+When God endowed human beings with brains,
+He did not intend to guarantee them.
+%
+When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to
+why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's.
+ -- DeGourmont
+%
+When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and
+inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats
+blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes
+screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he
+stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing
+himself to destruction.
+ -- George Plimpton
+%
+When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
+to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
+ -- Brendan Behan
+%
+When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred,
+He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!"
+ -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird"
+%
+when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
+in my sleep.
+like my grandfather.
+
+not screaming,
+like the passengers in his car...
+%
+When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
+and a willingness to compromise.
+ -- Weber cartoon caption
+%
+When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
+then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I grow up, I want to be an honest
+lawyer so things like that can't happen.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal
+%
+When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I
+shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do
+what you like now."
+ -- Tolstoy
+%
+When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity
+for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
+%
+When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
+year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
+winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil.
+%
+When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense
+live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to
+nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where
+I am in this torrent.
+ -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan
+%
+When I said "we", officer, I was referring to
+myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
+%
+When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said
+to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
+ -- Franklyn Ajaye
+%
+When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
+I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
+to be seen again.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
+%
+When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
+it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
+ -- Al Capone
+%
+When I think about myself,
+I almost laugh myself to death,
+My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world
+A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl
+A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake.
+I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend
+When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
+ I laugh until my stomach ache,
+ When I think about myself.
+My folks can make me split my side,
+I laughed so hard I nearly died,
+The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
+They grow the fruit,
+But eat the rind,
+I laugh until I start to crying,
+When I think about my folks.
+ -- Maya Angelou
+%
+When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
+By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
+%
+When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
+Now I'm beginning to believe it.
+ -- Clarence Darrow
+%
+When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
+I was an only child... eventually.
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
+take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
+and get you."
+ -- Jerry Lewis
+%
+When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
+all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
+It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal
+woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man.
+ -- Robert Schuman
+%
+When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
+I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
+
+I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's
+picture that came with the wallet he bought.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't
+say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".
+%
+When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam:
+I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
+ -- Woody Allen
+%
+When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
+ -- Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an act
+of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A group of
+seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a six-year-old. "It is
+always so," my mother said. "You do things together which not one of you
+would think of doing alone." ... Wherever one looks in the world of human
+organization, collective responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards.
+The military establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems
+to have been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
+together which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
+ -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
+%
+When I was young we didn't have MTV; we
+had to take drugs and go to concerts.
+ -- Steven Pearl
+%
+When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
+or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot
+remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to
+pieces like this but we all have to do it.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had
+slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+When I works, I works hard.
+When I sits, I sits easy.
+And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
+%
+When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and
+the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in
+the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who
+comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says
+he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked
+questions like a senator.
+ -- Muhammad Ali
+%
+When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+When in charge ponder,
+When in doubt mumble,
+When in trouble delegate.
+%
+When in doubt, do it. It's much easier
+to apologize than to get permission.
+ -- Grace Murray Hopper
+%
+When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
+%
+When in doubt, follow your heart.
+%
+When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand.
+ -- Raymond Chandler
+%
+When in doubt, lead trump.
+%
+When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.
+ -- James H. Boren
+%
+When in doubt, tell the truth.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+When in doubt, use brute force.
+ -- Ken Thompson
+%
+When in panic, fear and doubt,
+Drink in barrels, eat, and shout.
+%
+When in this world the headlines read
+Of those whose hearts are filled with greed
+Who rob and steal from those who need
+The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
+Underdog (UNDERDOG!)
+Speed of lightning, roar of thunder
+Fighting all who rob or plunder
+Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah)
+Underdog
+UNDERDOG!
+%
+When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
+%
+When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame --
+half his wife's fault, and half her mother's.
+%
+When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
+%
+When it is not necessary to make a decision,
+it is necessary not to make a decision.
+%
+When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
+ -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
+%
+When license fees are too high,
+users do things by hand.
+When the management is too intrusive,
+users lose their spirit.
+
+Hack for the user's benefit.
+Trust them; leave them alone.
+%
+When love is gone, there's always justice.
+And when justice is gone, there's always force.
+And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
+Hi, Mom!
+ -- Laurie Anderson
+%
+When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it
+will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
+%
+When Marriage is Outlawed,
+Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
+%
+When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+When my brain begins to reel from my
+literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.
+ -- Ignatius Reilly
+%
+When my fist clenches crack it open,
+Before I use it and lose my cool.
+When I smile tell me some bad news,
+Before I laugh and act like a fool.
+
+And if I swallow anything evil,
+Put you finger down my throat.
+And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
+Keep me warm let me wear your coat
+
+No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
+ to be the sad man.
+Behind blue eyes.
+No one knows what its like to be hated,
+ to be fated,
+To telling only lies.
+ -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes"
+%
+When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was,
+at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't
+think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin
+wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not
+become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of
+Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I
+was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young
+women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met
+a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the
+most unlikely of situations.
+ -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation"
+%
+When neither their poverty nor their honor is
+touched, the majority of men live content.
+ -- Niccolo Machiavelli
+%
+When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
+%
+When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
+ -- Dylan Thomas
+%
+When one knows women one pities men,
+but when one studies men, one excuses women.
+ -- Horne Tooke
+%
+When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts,
+she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind
+it less and less."
+ -- Louise Andrews Kent
+%
+When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view-
+finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye.
+ -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera,
+ a camera for professional photographers
+%
+When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U.
+The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points
+And Oxygen still had none
+Then Oxygen scored a single goal
+And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1
+Called because of rain.
+%
+When people have trouble communicating,
+the least they can do is to shut up.
+ -- Tom Lehrer
+%
+When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
+%
+When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
+%
+When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932,
+newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris
+was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman.
+
+ Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular
+ papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies
+ favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words:
+ "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides
+ not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the
+ President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how
+ an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison
+ Rothschild, where his assassination occurred.
+%
+When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
+every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
+is away and you get twice as much done.
+ -- Daniel B. Luten
+%
+When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+When some people decide it's time for everyone to make
+big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
+%
+When some people discover the truth, they just
+can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
+%
+When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got,
+Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott,
+Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
+U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli,
+They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli,
+But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines!
+
+For might makes right, Members of the corps
+And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war:
+They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by
+ peaceful means.
+All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression--
+Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression!
+ We only want the world to know
+ That we support the status quo;
+ They love us everywhere we go,
+ So when in doubt, send the Marines!
+ -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines"
+%
+When someone says "I want a programming language in
+which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
+%
+When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.
+ -- S. Johnson
+%
+When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
+%
+When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
+of asterisked sentences:
+
+ It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
+ And costs less than $1,300.**
+
+In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
+
+ * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
+ this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
+ pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
+ will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
+ might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
+
+ ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
+ you really want to. Or less.
+ -- Forbes
+%
+When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
+ -- Turkish proverb
+%
+When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff.
+ -- Chinese proverb
+%
+When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
+about themselves.
+%
+When the cup is full, carry it level.
+%
+When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
+ -- Billy Sunday
+%
+When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
+muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
+%
+When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
+ -- Jon Carroll
+%
+When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
+%
+When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
+%
+When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
+%
+When the government bureau's remedies do not match
+your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
+%
+When the Guru administers, the users
+are hardly aware that he exists.
+Next best is a sysop who is loved.
+Next, one who is feared.
+And worst, one who is despised.
+
+If you don't trust the users,
+you make them untrustworthy.
+
+The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
+When his work is done,
+the users say, "Amazing:
+we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
+%
+When the leaders speak of peace
+The common folk know
+That war is coming
+When the leaders curse war
+The mobilization order is already written out.
+
+Every day, to earn my daily bread
+I go to the market where lies are bought
+Hopefully
+I take my place among the sellers.
+ -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
+%
+When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
+the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
+nose bleed, which usually cures them of _\bt_\bh_\ba_\bt.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
+like a nail.
+%
+When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+When the revolution comes, count your change.
+%
+When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask
+if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone,"
+he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the
+right."
+ "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in
+the wrong joke."
+%
+When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is
+metaphysics.
+ -- Voltaire
+%
+When the sun shineth, make hay.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
+stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
+from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
+were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
+corners as bodies of a lower grade ...
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre,
+he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single
+seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly,
+"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but
+stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after
+several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
+ The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo,
+what's your name?"
+ "Samuel," he mumbled.
+ "And where're you from, Sam?"
+ "The balcony."
+%
+When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
+plane will fly.
+ -- Donald Douglas
+%
+When the wind is great, bow before it;
+when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
+%
+When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course
+is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.
+ -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
+%
+When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+When things go well, expect something to
+explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
+%
+When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
+insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
+required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
+exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+When users see one GUI as beautiful,
+other user interfaces become ugly.
+When users see some programs as winners,
+other programs become lossage.
+
+Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
+High level and assembler depend on each other.
+Double and float cast to each other.
+High-endian and low-endian define each other.
+While and until follow each other.
+
+Therefore the Guru
+programs without doing anything
+and teaches without saying anything.
+Warnings arise and he lets them come;
+processes are swapped and he lets them go.
+He has but doesn't possess,
+acts but doesn't expect.
+When his work is done, he deletes it.
+That is why it lasts forever.
+%
+When we are planning for posterity,
+we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
+ -- Thomas Paine
+%
+When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find
+anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains,
+two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the
+history of war have so few been led by so many.
+ -- General James Gavin
+%
+When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
+%
+When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
+except our fingertips will have been singed.
+ -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
+%
+When we write programs that "learn",
+it turns out we do and they don't.
+%
+When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
+ -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
+%
+When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes;
+when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not
+even our virtues.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
+ -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
+%
+When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
+of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
+proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
+goal.
+ -- Amrom Katz
+%
+When you are at Rome live in the Roman style;
+when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere.
+ -- St. Ambrose
+%
+When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
+%
+When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
+%
+When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
+something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
+your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
+the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
+vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
+eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
+narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
+will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
+But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
+from, to torture and unsettle us?
+ -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
+%
+When you become used to never being alone,
+you may consider yourself Americanized.
+%
+When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
+%
+When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
+ -- Brooke Shields
+%
+When you dig another out of trouble,
+you've got a place to bury your own.
+%
+When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
+%
+When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+%
+When you find yourself in danger,
+When you're threatened by a stranger,
+When it looks like you will take a lickin'...
+
+There is one thing you should learn,
+When there is no one else to turn to,
+ Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
+ Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
+%
+When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
+And the world makes you King for a day,
+Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
+And see what that guy has to say.
+ For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
+ Who judgement upon you must pass.
+ The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
+ Is the guy staring back from the glass.
+He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
+For he's with you clear up to the end,
+And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
+If the guy in the glass is your friend.
+ You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
+ And think you're a wonderful guy,
+ But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
+ If you can't look him straight in the eye.
+You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
+And get pats on the back as you pass,
+But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
+If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
+ -- "The Guy in the Glass"
+ Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954)
+ [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches,
+ especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.]
+%
+When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
+people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
+ -- Norm Crosby
+%
+When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
+%
+When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
+ -- Harry S. Truman
+%
+When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever
+remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
+%
+When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
+clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite
+answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have
+acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him.
+ -- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
+ -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
+%
+When you jump for joy, beware that no-one
+moves the ground from beneath your feet.
+ -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
+%
+When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
+asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
+know the answer either.
+ -- Edgar R. Fiedler
+%
+When you live in a sick society,
+just about everything you do is wrong.
+%
+When you make your mark in the world,
+watch out for guys with erasers.
+ -- The Wall Street Journal
+%
+When you meet a master swordsman,
+show him your sword.
+When you meet a man who is not a poet,
+do not show him your poem.
+ -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
+%
+When you overesteem great hackers,
+more users become cretins.
+When you develop encryption,
+more users become crackers.
+
+The Guru leads
+by emptying user's minds
+and increasing their quotas,
+by weakening their ambition
+and toughening their resolve.
+When users lack knowledge and desire,
+management will not try to interfere.
+
+Practice not-looping,
+and everything will fall into place.
+%
+When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
+you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
+ -- Otto von Bismarck
+%
+When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
+when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
+%
+When you try to make an impression, the
+chances are that is the impression you will make.
+%
+When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
+%
+When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
+When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
+%
+When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
+They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
+ -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
+%
+When your memory goes, forget it!
+%
+When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
+ -- Henry J. Kaiser
+%
+When you're a Yup
+You're a Yup all the way
+From your first slice of Brie
+To your last Cabernet.
+
+When you're a Yup
+You're not just a dreamer
+You're making things happen
+You're driving a Beamer.
+%
+When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
+Wretched, bored, dejected, only
+Here's the rub, my darling dear,
+I feel the same when you are near.
+ -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing"
+%
+When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else.
+ -- David Pryce-Jones
+%
+When you're dining out and you suspect
+something's wrong, you're probably right.
+%
+When you're down and out, lift up your
+voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
+%
+When you're in command, command.
+ -- Admiral Nimitz
+%
+When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when
+you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened
+of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time.
+ -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow"
+%
+When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
+%
+When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
+%
+WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick
+your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to
+laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle
+to become a parrot or something.
+ -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988)
+%
+Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really".
+ -- Dave Parnas
+%
+Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children
+to spend their weekends with?
+ -- Rita Rudner
+%
+Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
+%
+Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel
+a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln
+%
+Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
+is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
+Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
+ -- Jack Handey
+%
+Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Whenever Richard Cory went downtown,
+ We people on the pavement looked at him:
+He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
+ Clean-favored, and imperially slim.
+And he was always quietly arrayed,
+ And he was always human when he talked;
+But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
+ "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked.
+And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king --
+ And admirably schooled in every grace:
+In fine, we thought that he was everything
+ To make us wish that we were in his place.
+So on we worked, and waited for the light,
+ And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
+And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
+ Went home and put a bullet through his head.
+ -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory"
+%
+Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,
+you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
+%
+Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
+you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
+Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
+ -- Mark Twain
+ "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
+%
+Whenever you find that you are on the
+side of the majority, it is time to reform.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and
+weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes
+and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.
+ -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
+%
+Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
+%
+Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
+ -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996
+%
+Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
+%
+WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
+ Oh, dear, where can the matter be
+ When it's converted to energy?
+ There is a slight loss of parity.
+ Johnny's so long at the fair.
+%
+Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
+ -- Karl Kraus
+%
+Where do you go to get anorexia?
+ -- Shelley Winters
+%
+Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
+is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
+ -- John Kenneth Galbraith
+%
+Where is John Carson now that we need him?
+ -- RLG
+%
+Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to
+examine the laws of heat.
+ -- Christopher Morley
+%
+Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
+Why did you leave me here all alone?
+I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
+You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.
+
+Gloom, despair and agony on me.
+Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
+If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
+Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
+ -- Hee Haw
+%
+Where the hell is Wall Drug?
+%
+Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
+%
+Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance
+in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
+%
+Where there is much light there is also much shadow.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+Where there's a whip there's a way.
+%
+Where there's a will, there's a relative.
+%
+Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
+%
+Where will it all end?
+Probably somewhere near where it all began.
+%
+Where you stand depends on where you sit.
+ -- Rufus Miles, HEW
+%
+Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
+ -- Wittgenstein
+%
+Where's the man could ease a heart
+Like a satin gown?
+ -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress"
+%
+...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
+spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
+ -- Richard Shelton
+%
+Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest,
+Do not cease your single-handed struggle.
+Go on, do not rest.
+ -- An old Gujarati hymn
+%
+Whether you can hear it or not
+The Universe is laughing behind your back
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+%
+Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
+%
+Which would you rather have, a bursting
+planet or an earthquake here and there?
+ -- John Joseph Lynch
+%
+While anyone can admit to themselves they were
+wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
+%
+While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
+The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
+While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
+And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
+Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
+The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
+ -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
+ November 26, 1792
+%
+While having never invented a sin,
+I'm trying to perfect several.
+%
+While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint
+Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
+began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
+lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
+define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
+a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
+ -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
+%
+While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
+As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
+ -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to hardware interrupts.]
+
+And now I see with eye serene
+The very pulse of the machine.
+ -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
+
+ [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
+ referring to software interrupts.]
+%
+While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
+keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
+ -- Edward Stevenson
+%
+While money can't buy happiness, it certainly
+lets you choose your own form of misery.
+%
+While most peoples' opinions change,
+the conviction of their correctness never does.
+%
+While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
+held a gun to his head.
+ "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
+ The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
+as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
+ "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
+ Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
+his head. "Go ahead and shoot."
+%
+While there's life, there's hope.
+ -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
+%
+While walking down a crowded
+City street the other day,
+I heard a little urchin
+To a comrade turn and say,
+"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
+I'd be happy as a clam
+If only I was de feller dat
+Me mudder t'inks I am.
+
+"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil
+An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy,
+Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson
+Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy.
+Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint
+How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star:
+If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that
+Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are.
+ -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
+%
+While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.
+ -- Dean Rusk
+%
+While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's
+still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
+%
+While you recently had your problems on the run,
+they've regrouped and are making another attack.
+%
+While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
+safe, for you can watch both of his.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Whip it, whip it good!
+%
+Whistler's Law:
+ You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
+%
+Whistler's mother is off her rocker.
+%
+White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
+%
+Whitehead's Law:
+ The obvious answer is always overlooked.
+%
+White's Statement:
+ Don't lose heart!
+
+Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
+ ...they might want to cut it out...
+
+Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
+ ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
+%
+Who are you?
+%
+Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
+ -- Nathan Pusey
+%
+Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with
+our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process...
+%
+Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?
+ -- Hattie McDaniel
+%
+Who does not love wine, women, and song,
+Remains a fool his whole life long.
+ -- Johann Heinrich Voss
+%
+Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.
+ -- Lao Tsu
+%
+Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.
+ -- Thomas Tusser
+%
+Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now?
+%
+Who is John Galt?
+%
+Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
+%
+Who loves me will also love my dog.
+ -- John Donne
+%
+Who loves not wisely but too well
+Will look on Helen's face in hell,
+But he whose love is thin and wise
+Will view John Knox in Paradise.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+Who made the world I cannot tell;
+'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
+My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
+I never soiled with such a deed.
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
+%
+Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
+%
+Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!?
+No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em!
+%
+Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
+ -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927
+%
+Who to himself is law no law doth need,
+offends no law, and is a king indeed.
+ -- George Chapman
+%
+Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE?
+%
+Who was that masked man?
+%
+Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
+%
+Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
+%
+Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
+become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
+into you.
+ -- Friedrich Nietzsche
+%
+Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the
+pure in heart can make a good soup.
+ -- Ludwig van Beethoven
+%
+Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
+%
+"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
+ -- George Ade
+%
+Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
+%
+Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
+%
+Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods.
+ -- Bernard Levin
+%
+Who's on first?
+%
+Who's scruffy-looking?
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
+Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
+%
+Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
+ -- Paul Simon
+%
+Why are programmers non-productive?
+Because their time is wasted in meetings.
+
+Why are programmers rebellious?
+Because the management interferes too much.
+
+Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
+Because they are burnt out.
+
+Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.
+ -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus?" I could
+have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.
+ -- Ian Shoales
+%
+Why are you so hard to ignore?
+%
+Why are you watching
+The washing machine?
+I love entertainment
+So long as it's clean.
+
+Professor Doberman:
+ While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
+pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
+improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
+experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
+must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
+fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
+receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
+been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
+meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
+suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
+implications.
+%
+Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
+ -- Erik Satie
+%
+Why be a man when you can be a success?
+ -- Bertolt Brecht
+%
+Why be difficult, when, with just a
+little more effort, you can be impossible?
+%
+Why bother building anymore nuclear
+warheads until we use the ones we have?
+%
+Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
+%
+Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of
+movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
+%
+Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
+automation?
+%
+Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
+meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it
+doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a
+corner."
+%
+Why do seagulls live near the sea?
+'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
+%
+Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?
+It's quite uncanny.
+%
+Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
+%
+Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
+%
+Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
+%
+Why do we want intelligent terminals
+when there are so many stupid users?
+%
+Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?
+ -- Carl Sandburg
+%
+Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
+%
+Why does man kill? He kills for food.
+And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
+%
+Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
+more lawyers?
+
+New Jersey had first choice.
+%
+Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone?
+ -- Jimmy Durante
+%
+Why don't elephants eat penguins ?
+
+Because they can't get the wrappers off ...
+%
+Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition?
+We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether
+we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a
+pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to
+pay the fiddler.
+ -- The Best of Will Rogers
+%
+Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
+ -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program
+%
+Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she
+kissed her cow.
+ -- Rabelais
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
+ -- None of my socks match.
+ -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
+ -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
+ -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
+ -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
+ -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
+ -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
+ named Basil Metabolism.
+ -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
+ -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
+ -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
+ -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
+ -- I feel a song coming on.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
+ -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
+ -- I'm trying to be less popular.
+ -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
+ -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
+ -- My subconscious says no.
+ -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
+ can't seem to put it down.
+ -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
+ -- I have to study for my blood test.
+ -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
+ -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
+ -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I have to floss my cat.
+ -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
+ -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
+ -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
+ -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio.
+ -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
+ -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
+ -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise.
+ -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
+ -- I have some really hard words to look up.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
+ -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
+ -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
+ -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
+ -- I have to fulfill my potential.
+ -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
+ -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
+ -- I have to bleach my hare.
+ -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
+ -- I left my body in my other clothes.
+%
+Why I Can't Go Out With You:
+
+I'd LOVE to, but...
+ -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
+ -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
+ -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
+ -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
+ -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
+ -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
+ -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
+ -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
+ -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
+ -- My crayons all melted together.
+%
+Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
+%
+Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
+%
+Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
+It is because we are not the person involved.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
+ -- Lily Tomlin
+%
+Why isn't there some cheap and easy
+way to prove how much she means to me?
+%
+Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
+you knowing nothing?
+ -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
+%
+Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they
+are another's.
+ -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
+%
+Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
+not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't --
+Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
+do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want
+me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? --
+I can't think why not.
+ -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
+ "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
+%
+Why not go out on a limb?
+Isn't that where the fruit is?
+%
+Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
+Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
+children open their old-fashioned presents.
+
+Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
+
+You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
+ falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
+
+Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
+ with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
+ and I get this cretin TOP?"
+
+Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
+
+You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
+
+Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
+ -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
+fresh one for a quarter of the price?
+%
+Why was I born with such contemporaries?
+ -- Oscar Wilde
+%
+Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is
+wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that
+unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it
+not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant
+beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be
+incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling
+into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily
+needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate
+origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that
+we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal
+parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all
+eternity for his faithlessness.
+ -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology",
+ Fortnightly Review, 1876
+%
+Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
+ -- Tom Ryan
+%
+Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
+%
+Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
+ No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
+when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
+direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
+ -- John L. Shelton
+%
+Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
+ -- The Tasmanian Devil
+%
+Wiker's Law:
+ Government expands to absorb all
+ available revenue and then some.
+%
+Wilcox's Law:
+ A pat on the back is only a few
+ centimeters from a kick in the pants.
+%
+Will Rogers never met you.
+%
+Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
+That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
+%
+Will your long-winded speeches never end?
+What ails you that you keep on arguing?
+ -- Job 16:3
+%
+Williams and Holland's Law:
+ If enough data is collected,
+ anything may be proven by statistical methods.
+%
+Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite,
+See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite;
+Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays:
+Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days.
+
+Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash,
+Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash.
+Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly,
+Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
+
+William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell,
+Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well!
+Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water,
+"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter."
+ -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899
+%
+Wilner's Observation:
+ All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
+%
+Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing.
+ -- Vince Lombardi
+%
+Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
+%
+Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
+If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
+head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."
+ -- Robert Byrne
+%
+Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house
+as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
+%
+[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
+hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
+ -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
+%
+Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
+ -- J. Winter Smith
+%
+Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
+%
+Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.
+ -- Frank Tyger
+%
+Wit, n.:
+ The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
+ by leaving it out.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
+try to be a fraud and a half.
+ -- Otto von Bismarck
+%
+With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+With all the fancy scientists in the world,
+why can't they just once build a nuclear balm.
+%
+With all the talent around, it's sort of
+amazing that a woman could be up here with us.
+ -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner
+%
+With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
+%
+With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
+they make a law it's a joke.
+ -- W. Rogers
+%
+With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
+miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
+and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there
+is no such thing as progress.
+ -- Ransom K. Ferm
+%
+With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind
+she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself.
+ -- Tolstoy
+%
+With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
+%
+With reasonable men I will reason;
+with humane men I will plead;
+but to tyrants I will give no quarter.
+ -- William Lloyd Garrison
+%
+With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
+celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus
+party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and
+eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
+parties.
+ "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
+strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's
+your G.P.A.?"
+ Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in
+the city and forty on the highway."
+%
+With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of
+it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too
+close. Like catching snakes.
+ -- Marlon Brando
+%
+Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
+%
+Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
+community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
+keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
+Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
+we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
+I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
+them again -- and this time we'd use it.
+ -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
+ White House's National Security Council, Washington
+ Post, 21 March, 1982
+%
+Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
+ -- Alfred North Whitehead
+%
+Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the
+way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an
+indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less
+important to him than his table or his white robe.
+ -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac
+%
+Without fools there would be no wisdom.
+%
+Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
+%
+Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
+%
+Without love intelligence is dangerous;
+without intelligence love is not enough.
+ -- Ashley Montagu
+%
+With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
+ -- Pink Floyd
+%
+Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer,
+Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer
+The future's uncertain and the end is always near.
+ -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues"
+%
+Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion
+bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone.
+Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
+%
+WOLF:
+ A man who knows all the ankles.
+%
+Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
+Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
+%
+Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
+ -- Dumas
+%
+Woman is generally so bad that the difference
+between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists.
+ -- Tolstoy
+%
+Woman, n.:
+ An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
+ having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
+Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
+ I shall be sober in the morning.
+%
+Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
+out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
+equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
+that he might love her.
+ -- Henry
+%
+Woman would be more charming if one could
+fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
+ -- DeGourmont
+%
+Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
+ -- Cervantes
+%
+Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
+ (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
+ (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
+ (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
+ (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
+ VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
+ (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
+ -- Rich Kulawiec
+%
+Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed,
+they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.
+ -- Warren Beatty
+%
+Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk:
+once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their
+marriage certificates, and defy you.
+ -- Jerrold
+%
+Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it
+from charity, or revenge?
+ -- Gustave Vapereau
+%
+Women are just like men, only different.
+%
+Women are like elephants to me: I like to
+look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have.
+ -- Herold
+%
+Women are nothing but machines for producing children.
+ -- Napoleon
+%
+Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
+ -- Stephens
+%
+Women aren't as mere as they used to be.
+ -- Pogo
+%
+Women can keep a secret just as well as men,
+but it takes more of them to do it.
+%
+Women come and go, but BSD is forever.
+ -- Derek Young
+%
+Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two
+categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much.
+ -- Ann Landers
+%
+Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge
+as good as any other.
+ -- Philippe De Remi
+%
+Women give themselves to God when the
+Devil wants nothing more to do with them.
+ -- Arnould
+%
+Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly;
+but they invariably want it back in such very small change.
+ -- Wilde
+%
+Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little
+crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying.
+ -- Ansey
+%
+Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners.
+In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the
+original earth clinging to the roots.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong
+than men who reason with the head.
+ -- DeLescure
+%
+Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity,
+but never a man who misses one.
+ -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord
+%
+Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship
+us and are always bothering us to do something for them.
+ -- Wilde
+%
+Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell
+them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man
+than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
+ -- Mort Sahl
+%
+Women waste men's lives and think they have
+indemnified them by a few gracious words.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Women, when they are not in love, have all
+the cold blood of an experienced attorney.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Women, when they have made a sheep of a man,
+always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron.
+ -- Honore de Balzac
+%
+Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination.
+%
+Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore;
+not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or
+graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
+ -- Amiel
+%
+Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
+%
+Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
+ -- Cornelia Otis Skinner
+%
+Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
+and philosophy begins in wonder.
+ Socrates, quoting Plato
+%
+Wonderful day.
+Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
+%
+Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
+you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
+down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
+tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
+long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
+there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
+come back.
+
+Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
+when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
+Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
+cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
+heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
+beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
+and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
+although their insurance rates went way up.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+Woodward's Law:
+ A theory is better than its explanation.
+%
+Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
+ Let's just cut to the happy ending.
+ -- Cheers, Airport V
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
+Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
+ -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
+
+Sam: Beer, Norm?
+Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
+ -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
+%
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
+Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
+ -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
+
+Sam: What are you up to Norm?
+Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
+ -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
+
+Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
+Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
+ -- Cheers, Loverboyd
+%
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
+Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
+ -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
+
+Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
+ swallowed the canary.
+Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
+ -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
+
+Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
+ -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
+%
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
+Norm: The warranty on my liver.
+ -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
+
+Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
+Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
+ -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
+
+Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
+ -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
+%
+Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Poor.
+Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
+Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
+ -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
+Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
+ -- Cheers, The Proposal
+
+Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
+Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
+ -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
+%
+Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
+ -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
+
+Sam: How's life treating you?
+Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
+ -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
+
+Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
+Woody: For a beer?
+Norm: No, for stupid questions.
+ -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
+%
+Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
+ -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
+
+Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
+Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
+ -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
+
+Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
+Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
+ Eh, make that one-thirty.
+ -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
+%
+Woolsey-Swanson Rule:
+ People would rather live with a problem they cannot
+ solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
+%
+Words are the voice of the heart.
+%
+Words can never express what words can never express.
+%
+Words have a longer life than deeds.
+ -- Pindar
+%
+Words must be weighed, not counted.
+%
+WORK:
+ The blessed respite from screaming kids and
+ soap operas for which you actually get paid.
+%
+Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
+Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Work continues in this area.
+ -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
+%
+Work expands to fill the time available.
+ -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
+%
+Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
+the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
+to do so.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
+Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.
+ -- Schulz
+%
+Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
+ -- Mike Romanoff
+%
+Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with
+a handshake, and have fun.
+ -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy,
+ shortly before dying at the age of 86.
+%
+Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
+ We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
+any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
+should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
+and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
+bargained for.
+%
+Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
+%
+Work without a vision is slavery,
+Vision without work is a pipe dream,
+But vision with work is the hope of the world.
+%
+Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
+chairs.
+%
+Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with
+a valentine.
+ -- Christopher Plummer
+%
+World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century
+since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil
+thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately
+-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds
+together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of
+error in the world."
+ -- Sydney Harris
+%
+World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
+dress code!
+%
+Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair--
+It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
+%
+Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
+ August. The lift lines are the shortest, though.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Month of the Year:
+ February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
+ you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
+ don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
+ From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
+ in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
+ exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
+%
+Worst Vegetable of the Year:
+ Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
+ -- Steve Rubenstein
+%
+Worth seeing?
+Yes, but not worth going to see.
+%
+Worthless.
+ -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS
+ (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the
+ Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the
+ "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September
+ 15, 1842.
+%
+Would it help if I got out and pushed?
+ -- Princess Leia Organa
+%
+Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
+ -- Alfieri
+%
+Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
+%
+Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake?
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
+%
+Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
+%
+Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
+%
+Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine
+stuff ...
+ -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg
+ trial testimony, 1947
+%
+Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
+ -- George Carlin
+%
+Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
+a turn-on?
+ -- "Broadcast News"
+%
+Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
+ -- Anonymous
+%
+Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
+%
+Write-protect tab, n.:
+ A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left
+ by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error message
+ once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary
+ inconvenience.
+ -- Robb Russon
+%
+Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
+witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results
+from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
+Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
+and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped
+make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th
+century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
+Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
+PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult
+holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it
+is itself the one hope for salvation.
+ -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
+%
+Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
+ -- Frank Zappa
+%
+Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
+%
+Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of
+paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
+ -- Gene Fowler
+%
+Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
+ -- J. P. Donleavy
+%
+Writing software is more fun than working.
+%
+WRONG!
+%
+"Wrong," said Renner.
+
+"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
+the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
+%
+WYSIWYG:
+ What You See Is What You Get.
+%
+X windows:
+ Accept any substitute.
+ If it's broke, don't fix it.
+ If it ain't broke, fix it.
+ Form follows malfunction.
+ The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
+ The trailing edge of software technology.
+ Armageddon never looked so good.
+ Japan's secret weapon.
+ You'll envy the dead.
+ Making the world safe for competing window systems.
+ Let it get in YOUR way.
+ The problem for your problem.
+ If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
+ It could be worse, but it'll take time.
+ Simplicity made complex.
+ The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
+ Flakey and built to stay that way.
+
+One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years.
+ X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow.
+ The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
+ Built to take on the world... and lose!
+ Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
+ Power tools for Power Fools.
+ Putting new limits on productivity.
+ The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
+ Design by counterexample.
+ A new level of software disintegration.
+ No hardware is safe.
+ Do your time.
+ Rationalization, not realization.
+ Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
+ Gratuitous incompatibility.
+ Your mother.
+ THE user interference management system.
+ You can't argue with failure.
+ You haven't died 'til you've used it.
+
+The environment of today... tomorrow!
+ X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ Something you can be ashamed of.
+ 30%% more entropy than the leading window system.
+ The first fully modular software disaster.
+ Rome was destroyed in a day.
+ Warn your friends about it.
+ Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights.
+ An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
+ Don't wait for the movie.
+ Never use it after a big meal.
+ Need we say less?
+ Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
+ It'll make your day.
+ Don't get frustrated without it.
+ Power tools for power losers.
+ A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
+ Never had it. Never will.
+ The software with no visible means of support.
+ More than just a generation behind.
+
+Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel.
+ X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ The ultimate bottleneck.
+ Flawed beyond belief.
+ The only thing you have to fear.
+ Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
+ On autopilot to oblivion.
+ The joke that kills.
+ A disgrace you can be proud of.
+ A mistake carried out to perfection.
+ Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
+ To err is X windows.
+ Ignorance is our most important resource.
+ Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
+ Built to fall apart.
+ Nullifying centuries of progress.
+ Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
+ The last thing you need.
+ The de facto substandard.
+
+Elevating brain damage to an art form.
+ X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ We will dump no core before its time.
+ One good crash deserves another.
+ A bad idea whose time has come. And gone.
+ We make excuses.
+ It didn't even look good on paper.
+ You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
+ A new concept in abuser interfaces.
+ How can something get so bad, so quickly?
+ It could happen to you.
+ The art of incompetence.
+ You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
+ When uselessness just isn't enough.
+ More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier!
+ When you can't afford to be right.
+ And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
+
+If it works, it isn't X windows.
+%
+X windows:
+ You'd better sit down.
+ Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project.
+ Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
+ Live the nightmare.
+ Our bugs run faster.
+ When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
+ There ARE no rules.
+ You'll wish we were kidding.
+ Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more.
+ Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
+ There's got to be a better way.
+ The next best thing to keypunching.
+ Leave the thrashing to us.
+ We wrote the book on core dumps.
+ Even your dog won't like it.
+ More than enough rope.
+ Garbage at your fingertips.
+
+Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness.
+ X windows.
+%
+Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
+%
+Xerox never comes up with anything original.
+%
+XEROX never does anything original.
+%
+XI:
+ If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
+ get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
+ times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
+ the managers would fly off.
+XII:
+ It costs a lot to build bad products.
+XIII:
+ There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
+ There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
+ intermingle the two.
+XIV:
+ After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
+ be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
+ of every airplane's weight.
+XV:
+ The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
+ and two-thirds of the problems.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XIIdigitation, n.:
+ The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
+ by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+XLI:
+ The more one produces, the less one gets.
+XLII:
+ Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing.
+XLIII:
+ Hardware works best when it matters the least.
+XLIV:
+ Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly
+ direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
+ additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
+XLV:
+ One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
+ unexpected should have been expected.
+XLVI:
+ A billion saved is a billion earned.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XLVII:
+ Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other
+ third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
+XLVIII:
+ The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
+ less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
+ Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
+ until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
+XLIX:
+ Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
+L:
+ The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
+ chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
+ as long as the official's who created it.
+LI:
+ By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
+ government workers than there are workers.
+LII:
+ People working in the private sector should try to save money.
+ There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XML is a giant step in no direction at all.
+ -- Erik Naggum
+%
+XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using
+enough of it.
+ -- XML guru Chris Maden
+%
+X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing
+they leave to the imagination is the plot.
+%
+XVI:
+ In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
+ aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
+ Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
+ made available to the Marines for the extra day.
+XVII:
+ Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
+ and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
+XVIII:
+ It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
+ to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
+ ten degradation accomplished.
+XIX:
+ Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
+ be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
+XX:
+ In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
+ approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
+ administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXI:
+ It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
+XXII:
+ If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
+ not selling advice.
+XXIII:
+ Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
+ currently estimated.
+XXIV:
+ The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
+ established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
+ costly action known to man.
+XXV:
+ A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
+ or a new canvas to an artist.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXVI:
+ If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each
+ other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
+XXVII:
+ Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
+XXVIII:
+ It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
+XXIX:
+ Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their
+ jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results
+ hang on about half a decade.
+XXX:
+ By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers,
+ the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXXI:
+ The optimum committee has no members.
+XXXII:
+ Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of
+ turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold.
+XXXIII:
+ Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
+XXXIV:
+ The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work
+ is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed
+ randomly.
+XXXV:
+ The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion,
+ the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
+ the data authenticity.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+XXXVI:
+ The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
+ contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
+ proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
+ at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
+XXXVII:
+ Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
+ The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
+XXXVIII:
+ The early bird gets the worm.
+ The early worm ... gets eaten.
+XXXIX:
+ Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
+ the year -- in either direction.
+XL:
+ Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
+ -- Norman Augustine
+%
+Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
+%
+Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
+goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
+their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
+unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
+doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
+ -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments"
+%
+Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
+rays and became a tangent ?
+%
+Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id.
+ -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
+%
+Yea from the table of my memory
+I'll wipe away all trivial fond records.
+ -- Hamlet
+%
+Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
+fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic
+operators together.
+ -- Steve Higgins
+%
+Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.
+%
+Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death.
+%
+Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like
+a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it.
+%
+Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
+the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
+a private eye.
+ -- Calvin
+%
+Yeah, there are more important things in life than money,
+but they won't go out with you if you don't have any.
+%
+Year Name James Bond Book
+---- -------------------------------- -------------- ----
+50's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson
+1962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958
+1963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957
+1964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959
+1965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961
+1967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954
+1967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964
+1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963
+1971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956
+1973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955
+1974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965
+1977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette)
+1979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955
+1981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
+1983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965
+1983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery
+1985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette)
+1987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette)
+ * -- Not a Broccoli production
+%
+Year, n.:
+ A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
+%
+Yes, but which self do you want to be?
+%
+Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat.
+ -- James D. Nicoll
+%
+Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those
+L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
+ -- Rita Rudner
+%
+Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me.
+And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy.
+Just different ways to kill the pain the same.
+But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
+Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy.
+I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane.
+ -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock)
+%
+Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
+that order.
+ -- George Michaelson
+%
+Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
+Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
+Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
+ -- Snoopy
+%
+Yesterday upon the stair
+I met a man who wasn't there.
+He wasn't there again today --
+I think he's from the CIA.
+%
+Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most
+astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God
+I'm not respectable.
+ -- Ruthven Campbell Todd
+%
+Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty
+feet.
+ -- John Cheever
+%
+Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
+ -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
+%
+Yinkel, n.:
+ A person who combs his hair over his bald spot,
+ hoping no one will notice.
+ -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
+%
+You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
+%
+You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty
+spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
+%
+You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
+%
+You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
+%
+You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
+use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
+the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
+moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?"
+%
+You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
+%
+You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
+ -- Philip Whalen
+%
+You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You are always busy.
+%
+You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
+%
+You are an insult to my intelligence!
+I demand that you log off immediately.
+%
+You are as I am with You.
+%
+You are capable of planning your future.
+%
+You are confused; but this is your normal state.
+%
+You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
+%
+You are destined to become the commandant of the
+fighting men of the department of transportation.
+%
+You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
+%
+You are fairminded, just and loving.
+%
+You are false data.
+%
+You are farsighted, a good planner,
+an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
+%
+You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
+%
+You are going to have a new love affair.
+%
+You are here:
+ ***
+ ***
+ *********
+ *******
+ *****
+ ***
+ *
+
+ But you're not all there.
+%
+You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
+%
+You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
+%
+You are in the hall of the mountain king.
+%
+You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
+%
+You are loved by the multitudes.
+Have you been to the clinic lately?
+%
+You are magnetic in your bearing.
+%
+You are never given a wish without also being given the
+power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
+ -- R. Bach,
+ "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
+%
+You are not a fool just because you have done
+something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
+%
+You are not dead yet.
+But watch for further reports.
+%
+You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing
+forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are
+avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
+%
+You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.
+Please set your clocks back 200 years.
+%
+You are number 6! Who is number one?
+%
+"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
+ "All your papers these days look the same;
+Those William's would be better unread --
+ Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
+
+"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
+ "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
+But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
+ Made it pointless to think any more."
+%
+"You are old, father William," the young man said,
+ "And your hair has become very white;
+And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
+ Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
+
+"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
+ "I feared it might injure the brain;
+But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
+ Why, I do it again and again."
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
+ That your lectures bore people to death.
+Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
+ Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
+
+"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
+ Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
+Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
+ Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
+ For anything tougher than suet;
+Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
+ Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
+
+"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
+ And argued each case with my wife;
+And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
+ Has lasted the rest of my life."
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
+ And there isn't one language you like;
+Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
+ Have you thought about taking a hike?"
+
+"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
+ "Every language looks equally bad;
+Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
+ And don't realize that they've been had."
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
+ And have grown most uncommonly fat;
+Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
+ Pray what is the reason of that?"
+
+"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
+ "I kept all my limbs very supple
+By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
+ Allow me to sell you a couple?"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
+ And make errors few people could bear;
+You complain about everyone's English but yours --
+ Do you really think this is quite fair?"
+
+"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
+ "But my stature these days is so great
+That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
+ And to stop me it's now far too late."
+%
+"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
+ That your eye was as steady as ever;
+Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
+ What made you so awfully clever?"
+
+"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
+ Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
+Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
+ Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865)
+%
+You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
+%
+You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.
+Therefore you have few friends.
+%
+You are sick, twisted and perverted.
+I like that in a person.
+%
+You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
+%
+You are standing on my toes.
+%
+You are taking yourself far too seriously.
+%
+You are the only person to ever get this message.
+%
+You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
+points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get
+attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
+chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
+gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
+rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
+trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
+vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
+long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
+dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
+head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
+are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
+transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem
+to have gotten yourself killed, as well.
+
+You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
+That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
+To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
+%
+You are wise, witty, and wonderful,
+but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
+%
+You ask what a nice girl will do?
+She won't give an inch, but she won't say no.
+ -- Marcus Valerius Martialis
+%
+You attempt things that you do not even plan
+because of your extreme stupidity.
+%
+You auto buy now.
+%
+You buttered your bread, now lie in it!
+%
+You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the
+peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the
+municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior
+courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state
+supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge
+reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
+between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less
+than a twenty-dollar bill.
+ -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
+%
+You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
+ -- Tim Leary
+%
+You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
+%
+You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
+incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
+Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
+to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
+nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
+they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
+some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
+
+The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
+pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
+safety glasses.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
+They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
+%
+You can approach truth, but never capture it.
+Lies can be had 'round the corner.
+ -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967)
+%
+You can be replaced by this computer.
+%
+You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
+ -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
+%
+You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
+doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
+ -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington
+%
+You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
+know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
+they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
+they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
+ -- Quentin Genter
+%
+You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
+ -- Boris Yeltsin
+%
+You can cage a swallow, can't you,
+ but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
+Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
+ finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
+A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
+ -- The Palindromist
+%
+You can create your own opportunities this week.
+Blackmail a senior executive.
+%
+You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
+ -- Janis Joplin
+%
+You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
+Why do you find that funny?
+ -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington
+%
+You can do very well in speculation where
+land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
+%
+You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
+%
+You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
+and the budget is big enough.
+ -- Joseph E. Levine
+%
+You can fool some of the people all of the time and all
+of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
+%
+You can fool some of the people all of the time,
+and all of the people some of the time,
+but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
+%
+You can fool some of the people some of the time,
+and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
+%
+You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
+%
+You can get everything in life you want,
+if you will help enough other people get what they want.
+%
+You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
+can with just a kind word.
+ -- Bumper Sticker
+%
+You can get much further with a kind word and a
+gun than you can with a kind word alone.
+ -- Al Capone
+ [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
+%
+You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
+%
+You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
+%
+You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
+You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.
+
+(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
+ Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.
+
+You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
+You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
+(chorus)
+
+You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
+You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
+(chorus)
+%
+You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But
+if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing
+your dog.
+ -- foolin' around
+%
+You can have peace. Or you can have freedom.
+Don't ever count on having both at once.
+ -- Lazarus Long
+%
+You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy.
+ -- Joe Valachi
+%
+You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
+for instance.
+ -- Franklin P. Jones
+%
+You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
+%
+You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
+the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
+ -- Alan J. Perlis
+%
+You can move the world with an idea,
+but you have to think of it first.
+%
+You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
+%
+You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
+ -- Jeannette Rankin
+%
+You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
+ -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics
+
+What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
+ -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics
+
+You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
+ -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
+%
+You can now buy more gates with less
+specifications than at any other time in history.
+ -- Kenneth Parker
+%
+You can observe a lot just by watching.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
+%
+You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
+%
+You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
+decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
+over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
+ -- F. Allen
+%
+You can tell how far we have to go,
+when Fortran is the language of supercomputers.
+ -- Steven Feiner
+%
+You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
+ -- Norman Douglas
+%
+You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
+%
+You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
+ -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454,
+ University of Washington
+%
+You canna change the laws of physics, Captain;
+I've got to have thirty minutes!
+%
+You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
+%
+You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you.
+But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew.
+ -- Nathalia Crane
+%
+You cannot have a science without measurement.
+ -- R. W. Hamming
+%
+You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+%
+You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
+%
+You cannot see the wood for the trees.
+ -- John Heywood
+%
+You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
+ -- Indira Gandhi
+%
+You cannot use your friends and have them too.
+%
+You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
+%
+You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
+%
+You can't cheat an honest man, never give
+a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.
+ -- W. C. Fields
+%
+You can't cheat the phone company.
+%
+You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
+%
+You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon (1952)
+%
+You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
+ -- Peter Frampton
+%
+You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
+ -- H. H. Munro
+%
+"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time",
+Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978
+she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have
+children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either.
+ -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
+%
+You can't fall off the floor.
+%
+You can't get there from here.
+%
+You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
+%
+You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
+ -- Ayn Rand
+%
+You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
+ -- Booker T. Washington
+%
+You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
+%
+You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
+%
+You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly --
+only sooner than she thought you would.
+%
+You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
+is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
+%
+You can't make a program without broken egos.
+%
+You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
+%
+You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
+ -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
+%
+You can't push on a string.
+%
+You can't run away forever,
+But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
+ -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
+%
+You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a
+new way.
+ -- Will Rogers
+%
+You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.
+You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.
+ -- Lauren Bacall
+%
+You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.
+ -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
+ Over and Over"
+%
+You can't take damsel here now.
+%
+You can't take it with you --
+especially when crossing a state line.
+%
+You can't teach people to be lazy --
+either they have it, or they don't.
+ -- Dagwood Bumstead
+%
+You climb to reach the summit, but once
+there, discover that all roads lead down.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
+%
+You could get a new lease on life -- if only you
+didn't need the first and last month in advance.
+%
+You could live a better life, if you
+had a better mind and a better body.
+%
+You couldn't even prove the White House
+staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
+ -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
+%
+You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
+%
+You dialed 5483.
+%
+You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
+%
+You do not have mail.
+%
+You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
+%
+You don't have to be nice to people on the way up
+if you're not planning on coming back down.
+ -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
+%
+You don't have to explain something you never said.
+ -- Calvin Coolidge
+%
+You don't have to know how the computer
+works, just how to work the computer.
+%
+You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
+ -- J. D. Salinger
+%
+You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
+ -- Guindon
+%
+You don't sew with a fork, so I see no
+reason to eat with knitting needles.
+ -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
+%
+You enjoy the company of other people.
+%
+You feel a whole lot more like you do
+now than you did when you used to.
+%
+You fill a much-needed gap.
+%
+You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
+The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
+which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
+tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
+names. Here's the complete text:
+
+ "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
+ "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
+ "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
+ send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
+ THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
+ household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
+ you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
+ NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
+
+The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
+money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
+form.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
+%
+You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
+what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
+ -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^\but"
+%
+You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
+%
+You get what you pay for.
+ -- Gabriel Biel
+%
+You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
+from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
+ -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
+%
+You go down to the pickup station,
+ craving warmth and beauty;
+You settle for less than fascination --
+ a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
+And the closing lights strip off the shadows
+ on this strange new flesh you've found --
+Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
+ you hurry to the blackness
+ and the blankets to lay down an impression
+ and your loneliness.
+ -- Joni Mitchell
+%
+You got to be very careful if you don't know
+where you're going, because you might not get there.
+ -- Yogi Berra
+%
+You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
+And you know it don't come easy ...
+I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
+And you know it don't come easy ...
+%
+You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.
+Now it's our turn.
+ -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
+%
+You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
+%
+You had mail.
+Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
+%
+You had some happiness once,
+but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
+%
+You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
+%
+You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
+%
+You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
+%
+You have a message from the operator.
+%
+You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
+A pity that it's totally undeserved.
+%
+You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
+%
+You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
+%
+You have a strong desire for a home
+and your family interests come first.
+%
+You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
+%
+You have a truly strong individuality.
+%
+You have a will that can be influenced
+by all with whom you come in contact.
+%
+You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
+
+This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
+
+You are permanently confused.
+ -- Dave Decot
+%
+You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
+ -- Lois Platford
+%
+You have all the characteristics of a popular politician:
+a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
+ -- Aristophanes
+%
+You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
+%
+You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
+%
+You have an unusual equipment for success.
+Be sure to use it properly.
+%
+You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
+metal objects which are not fastened down.
+%
+You have an unusual understanding of
+the problems of human relationships.
+%
+You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
+%
+You have been selected for a secret mission.
+%
+You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
+%
+You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
+%
+You have junk mail.
+%
+You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
+%
+You have mail.
+%
+You have many friends and very few living enemies.
+%
+You have no real enemies.
+%
+You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
+ -- John Viscount Morley
+%
+You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married
+and few words in your sleep to get divorced.
+%
+You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
+wrinkled.
+%
+You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
+You'll learn a lot today.
+%
+You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
+%
+You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
+If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
+ -- Lewis Carroll,
+ "Through the Looking-Glass,
+ and What Alice Found There" (1871)
+%
+You humans are all alike.
+%
+You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me
+at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very
+simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..."
+%
+You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
+ -- Dylan Thomas
+%
+You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
+ -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
+%
+You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
+ -- Superchicken
+%
+You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if
+you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is,
+and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
+%
+You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
+ -- Maharbal
+%
+You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
+you people are all going to owe me big.
+ -- Bill Paul
+%
+You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
+you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
+%
+You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
+start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
+ -- Dean Webber
+%
+You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
+ -- Garfield
+%
+You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
+You're not a kid at thirty-three,
+You play around you lose your wife,
+You play too long, you lose your life.
+Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
+Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
+%
+You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
+are now extinct.
+ -- W. Somerset Maugham
+%
+You know, the difference between this company and
+the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
+%
+You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
+anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
+you can always change the channel.
+ -- Jim Ignatowski
+%
+You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
+on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that.
+ -- Richard M. Nixon
+%
+You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat
+and I had my hands about it.
+ -- Rorschach, "Watchmen"
+%
+You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language
+is revenge.
+ -- Peter Beard
+%
+You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the
+next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
+him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
+meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
+ -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
+%
+You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
+ -- E. A. Gilliam
+%
+You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
+ -- S. Rickly Christian
+%
+You know your apartment is small...
+ when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
+ you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
+ you have to go outside to change your mind.
+ you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
+%
+You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
+ -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
+%
+You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your
+daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her
+mother is allowed to take.
+%
+You know you're in a small town when...
+ You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
+ You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
+ merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
+ Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
+ You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
+ You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
+ You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+1) You wake up face down on the pavement.
+2) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
+3) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
+ out of the city.
+4) Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
+5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
+ remember that you don't have a waterbed.
+6) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
+ follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
+2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
+ and there aren't any.
+3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
+4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
+5) You wake up and your braces are locked together.
+6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
+ her own business.
+(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
+(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
+(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
+(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
+(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
+ flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
+(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
+%
+You know you're in trouble when...
+(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
+ skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
+(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
+(3) Your income tax check bounces.
+(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
+(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
+(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
+ after you bought a waterbed.
+(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
+ clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
+ for your spouse.
+%
+You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
+when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
+make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
+chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
+%
+You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
+friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
+%
+You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
+%
+You learn to write as if to someone else
+because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE".
+%
+You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
+%
+You lived with a man who wore white belts?
+Laura, I'm disappointed in you.
+ -- Remington Steele
+%
+You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
+%
+You look tired.
+%
+You love peace.
+%
+You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
+%
+You may already be a loser.
+ -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
+%
+You may be gone tomorrow, but that
+doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
+%
+You may be infinitely smaller than some things,
+but you're infinitely larger than others.
+%
+You may be recognized soon. Hide.
+%
+You may be right, I may be crazy,
+But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for?
+ -- Billy Joel
+%
+You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
+is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
+ -- Sydney Harris
+%
+You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card
+That a young man married is a young man marred.
+ -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys"
+%
+You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
+him.
+ -- Edgar W. Howe
+%
+You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
+%
+You may have heard that a dean is
+to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
+ -- Alfred Kahn
+%
+You may my glories and my state dispose,
+But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
+%
+You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but
+you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost.
+%
+You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
+be sold.
+%
+You mean you didn't *know* she was off
+making lots of little phone companies?
+%
+You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
+success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
+or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
+party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
+ -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
+%
+You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
+obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
+an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
+%
+You might have mail.
+%
+You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
+now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
+exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
+ -- Greg Lehey
+%
+You must dine in our cafeteria.
+You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
+%
+You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
+and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
+and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
+bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
+paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
+cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
+gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
+prosecution for perjury and fraud.
+ -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms
+%
+You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
+to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties
+are merely deputies of that one.
+ -- Nero Wolfe
+%
+You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
+proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
+%
+You need more time; and you probably always will.
+%
+You need no longer worry about the future.
+This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
+%
+You need not worry about your future.
+%
+You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
+reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
+the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
+independence.
+ -- Charles A. Beard
+%
+You never gain something but that you lose something.
+ -- Thoreau
+%
+You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
+%
+You never go anywhere without your soul.
+%
+You never have to change anything you
+got up in the middle of the night to write.
+ -- Saul Bellow
+%
+You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
+%
+You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
+beach.
+%
+You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
+ -- William Blake
+%
+You never learned anything by doing it right.
+%
+You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone
+got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they
+"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented"
+with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these
+guys were getting stoned!
+ -- Johnny Carson
+%
+You now have Asian Flu.
+%
+You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
+you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
+yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
+company.
+ -- J. Wellington Wells
+%
+You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
+%
+You plan things that you do not even
+attempt because of your extreme caution.
+%
+You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
+%
+You prefer the company of the opposite
+sex, but are well liked by your own.
+%
+You probably wouldn't worry about what people
+think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
+ -- Olin Miller
+%
+You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
+%
+You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
+ -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
+%
+You say potatoe,
+And I say potato.
+You say tomatoe,
+And I say tomato.
+Potatoe, potato,
+Tomatoe, tomato.
+Let's go be the Vice President...
+%
+You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
+%
+You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
+attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
+takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
+which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
+a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
+Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
+brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
+his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
+order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
+can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
+addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
+the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
+the useful ones.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You see things; and you say "Why?"
+But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
+ [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.]
+%
+You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
+his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
+understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send
+signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that
+there is no cat.
+ -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
+%
+You seek to shield those you love
+and you like the role of the provider.
+%
+You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
+%
+You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
+ -- Joseph Conrad
+%
+You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
+%
+You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
+if they are dead.
+%
+You should go home.
+%
+You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
+incest and folk-dancing.
+ -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
+%
+You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
+about 10^12 to 1.
+ -- Ernest Rutherford
+%
+You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team,
+because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat!
+ -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip
+%
+You should never wear your best trousers
+when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.
+ -- Henrik Ibsen
+%
+You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
+contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
+houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
+scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
+summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
+you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
+sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
+%
+You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
+another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
+another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
+such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
+many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
+If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
+should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
+for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
+because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
+chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
+
+In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
+hemorrhoids.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
+%
+You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
+plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture.
+ -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
+%
+You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
+ -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
+%
+You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put
+your feet in it and swish them around a little.
+ -- Guindon
+%
+You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
+%
+You teach best what you most need to learn.
+%
+You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
+%
+YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!
+
+Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
+a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
+important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
+
+Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
+to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and
+make really big Zorkmids."
+
+MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
+you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
+
+ SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
+%
+You too can wear a nose mitten.
+%
+You tread upon my patience.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
+%
+You two ought to be more careful--
+your love could drag on for years and years.
+%
+You want to know why I kept getting promoted?
+Because my mouth knows more than my brain.
+ -- W. G.
+%
+You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
+%
+You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
+%
+You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
+%
+You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
+%
+You will be advanced socially,
+without any special effort on your part.
+%
+You will be aided greatly by a person
+whom you thought to be unimportant.
+%
+You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
+a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
+%
+You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
+%
+You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
+%
+You will be awarded some great honor.
+%
+You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
+%
+You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
+%
+You will be dead within a year.
+%
+You will be divorced within a year.
+%
+You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
+%
+You will be held hostage by a radical group.
+%
+You will be honored for contributing
+your time and skill to a worthy cause.
+%
+You will be imprisoned for contributing
+your time and skill to a bank robbery.
+%
+You will be married within a year.
+%
+You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
+%
+You will be misunderstood by everyone.
+%
+You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
+%
+You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
+%
+You will be run over by a beer truck.
+%
+You will be run over by a bus.
+%
+You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
+%
+You will be successful in love.
+%
+You will be surprised by a loud noise.
+%
+You will be surrounded by luxury.
+%
+You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
+%
+You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
+%
+You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
+%
+You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
+%
+You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
+%
+You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
+%
+You will contract a rare disease.
+%
+You will engage in a profitable business activity.
+%
+You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
+%
+You will feel hungry again in another hour.
+%
+You will find me drinking gin
+In the lowest kind of inn,
+Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
+ -- G. K. Chesterton
+%
+You will forget that you ever knew me.
+%
+You will gain money by a fattening action.
+%
+You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
+%
+You will gain money by an illegal action.
+%
+You will gain money by an immoral action.
+%
+You will get what you deserve.
+%
+You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
+%
+You will have a head crash on your private pack.
+%
+You will have a long and boring life.
+%
+You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
+%
+You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
+%
+You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
+%
+You will have long and healthy life.
+%
+You will have many recoverable tape errors.
+%
+You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
+%
+You will inherit millions of dollars.
+%
+You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
+%
+You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
+%
+You will live to see your grandchildren.
+%
+You will lose an important disk file.
+%
+You will lose an important tape file.
+%
+You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
+mayonnaise salesman.
+%
+You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
+%
+You will never amount to much.
+ -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
+%
+You will never know hunger.
+%
+You will not be elected to public office this year.
+%
+You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
+%
+You will outgrow your usefulness.
+%
+You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
+%
+You will pass away very quickly.
+%
+You will pay for your sins.
+If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
+%
+You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
+%
+You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
+%
+You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
+%
+You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
+%
+You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
+%
+You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family
+was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into
+the butter upon a hot day.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+You will soon forget this.
+%
+You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
+%
+You will step on the night soil of many countries.
+%
+You will stop at nothing to reach your objective,
+but only because your brakes are defective.
+%
+You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
+%
+You will triumph over your enemy.
+%
+You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
+%
+You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
+%
+You will wish you hadn't.
+%
+You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
+ -- Frank Hubbard
+%
+You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
+%
+You worry too much about your job.
+Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
+%
+"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems
+of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
+Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
+Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
+give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
+momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen
+yourself in this way."
+ -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
+%
+You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
+%
+You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't
+be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.
+ -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
+%
+You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
+taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
+minute and a huff.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
+ -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
+%
+You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
+%
+You'll always be,
+What you always were,
+Which has nothing to do with,
+All to do, with her.
+ -- Company
+%
+You'll be called to a post requiring
+ability in handling groups of people.
+%
+You'll be sorry...
+%
+You'll feel devilish tonight.
+Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
+%
+You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
+%
+You'll never be the man your mother was!
+%
+You'll never see all the places, or read all the
+books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
+%
+You'll wish that you had done some of the
+hard things when they were easier to do.
+%
+Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for
+counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the
+experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth
+them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin
+of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might
+have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of
+actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly
+to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few
+principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate,
+which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will
+not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop
+nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little,
+repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but
+content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to
+compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct
+the defects of both.
+ -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age"
+%
+Young men, hear an old man to whom
+old men hearkened when he was young.
+ -- Augustus Caesar
+%
+Young men think old men are fools;
+but old men know young men are fools.
+ -- George Chapman
+%
+Your aim is high and to the right.
+%
+Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
+%
+Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.
+Don't believe a thing he tells you.
+%
+Your best consolation is the hope that the things
+you failed to get weren't really worth having.
+%
+Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
+%
+Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
+%
+Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
+%
+Your business will assume vast proportions.
+%
+Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
+%
+Your code should be more efficient!
+%
+Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize.
+%
+Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother.
+%
+Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
+from enjoying it.
+%
+Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
+ ...Here's How You Can Tell
+Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
+can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
+listed 10 signs to watch for:
+ #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
+ earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
+ jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
+ #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
+ fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
+ #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
+ discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
+ #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
+ high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
+ a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
+The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
+all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
+ -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984
+
+ [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
+%
+Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
+%
+Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
+dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
+attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
+minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
+Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the
+medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
+25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
+seconds if we felt like it.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
+%
+Your domestic life may be harmonious.
+%
+Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
+%
+Your fault - core dumped
+%
+Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket.
+EOF
+%
+Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+ by Miss Fortune
+
+AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
+ You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what
+type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer!
+Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in
+California Halloween is redundant anyhow.
+
+PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
+ Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are
+fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your
+bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when
+other discover your good qualities without your help.
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+ by Miss Fortune
+
+ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
+ Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be
+sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly"
+and you will live all the days of your life.
+
+TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
+ You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself
+in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite
+brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply
+miss two car payments.
+
+GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
+ You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in
+common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand
+at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens.
+Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until
+you meet in court.
+%
+YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
+ by Miss Fortune
+
+CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22)
+ You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel
+you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get
+in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going
+to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing?
+
+LEO (July 23 - August 22)
+ You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh
+heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have
+in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to
+shop.
+
+VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
+ Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are
+affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job
+is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a
+career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more
+than people who work standing up.
+%
+Your friends will know you better in the first minute you
+meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
+ -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
+%
+Your goose is cooked.
+(Your current chick is burned up too!)
+%
+Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
+%
+Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
+%
+Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
+%
+Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
+%
+Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
+%
+Your love life will be... interesting.
+%
+Your lover will never wish to leave you.
+%
+Your lucky color has faded.
+%
+Your lucky number has been disconnected.
+%
+Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.
+Watch for it everywhere.
+%
+Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
+original and the part that is original is not good.
+ -- Samuel Johnson
+%
+Your mind is the part of you that says,
+ "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
+... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
+ "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
+ -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
+%
+Your mind understands what you have been
+taught; your heart, what is true.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed for
+the better because of good news soon.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed for
+the better because of new developments.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
+%
+Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
+%
+Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder
+Face like ice, a little bit colder
+She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules
+You learned in school"
+But I don't really see
+Why can't we go on as three?
+ -- David Crosby, "Triad"
+%
+Your motives for doing whatever good deed you
+may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
+%
+Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
+%
+Your object is to save the world,
+while still leading a pleasant life.
+%
+Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being
+true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
+mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound.
+Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What
+are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
+change.
+ -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
+%
+Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
+%
+Your password is pitifully obvious.
+%
+Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
+%
+Your present plans will be successful.
+%
+Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
+%
+Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
+%
+Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You
+need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
+picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
+the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
+success.
+ -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
+%
+Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
+%
+Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
+%
+Your step will soil many countries.
+%
+Your supervisor is thinking about you.
+%
+Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
+%
+Your temporary financial embarrassment will
+be relieved in a surprising manner.
+%
+Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
+%
+Your wig steers the gig.
+ -- Lord Buckley
+%
+Your wise men don't know how it feels
+To be thick as a brick.
+ -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick"
+%
+Your worship is your furnaces
+which, like old idols, lost obscenes,
+have molten bowels; your vision is
+machines for making more machines.
+ -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874
+%
+You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
+%
+You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
+ -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
+
+Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
+ -- Steve Martin to a heckler
+
+When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
+ -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
+%
+You're all clear now, kid.
+Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
+ -- Han Solo
+%
+You're almost as happy as you think you are.
+%
+You're already carrying the sphere!
+%
+You're always thinking you're gonna be
+the one that makes 'em act different.
+ -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
+%
+You're at the end of the road again.
+%
+You're at Witt's End.
+%
+You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
+%
+You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
+%
+You're definitely on their list.
+The question to ask next is what list it is.
+%
+You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
+ -- Eldridge Cleaver
+%
+You're growing out of some of your problems,
+but there are others that you're growing into.
+%
+You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little...
+except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus.
+ -- Swamp Thing
+%
+You're never too old to become younger.
+ -- Mae West
+%
+You're not Dave. Who are you?
+%
+You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
+ -- Dean Martin
+%
+You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
+%
+You're reasoning is excellent -- it's
+only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
+%
+You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
+%
+You're using a keyboard! How quaint!
+%
+You're working under a slight handicap.
+You happen to be human.
+%
+Yours is not to reason why,
+Just to Sail Away.
+And when you find you have to throw
+Your Legacy away;
+Remember life as was it is,
+And is as it were;
+Chasing sounds across the galaxy
+'Till silence is but a blur.
+ -- QYX
+%
+Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
+%
+Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of
+courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.
+ -- Robert F. Kennedy
+%
+Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it.
+%
+Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.
+ -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
+%
+Youth is a disease from which we all recover.
+ -- Dorothy Fuldheim
+%
+Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
+Youth is the trustee of posterity.
+%
+Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
+when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
+%
+You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
+ -- Eugene Ionesco
+%
+You've been Berkeley'ed!
+%
+You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
+%
+You've been telling me to relax all the way here,
+and now you're telling me just to be myself?
+ -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
+%
+You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights.
+Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors
+wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up
+and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth.
+
+You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now
+if only you could get a good picture of it.
+
+Photographing holiday lights is no easy task.
+ -- from an email sent by photojojo.com
+%
+You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.
+ -- Gary Giddens
+%
+You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
+%
+You've got to think about tomorrow!
+
+TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_\by_\be_\bs_\bt_\be_\br_\bd_\ba_\by* yet!
+%
+YO-YO:
+ Something that is occasionally up but normally down.
+ (see also Computer).
+%
+Zall's Laws:
+ 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
+ will be wrong.
+ 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
+ door you're on.
+%
+Zeal, n.:
+ Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
+%
+Zero Defects, n.:
+ The result of shutting down a production line.
+%
+Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!
+ -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
+%
+Zeus gave Leda the bird.
+%
+Zisla's Law:
+ If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
+%
+Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words
+since I first call'd my brother's father dad.
+ -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
+%
+Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
+ People are always available for work in the past tense.
+%
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
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+surly
+Surtees
+Sushido
+Suslowicz
+Sussman
+Suzie
+Sven
+Svevo
+svm
+Swaller
+swami's
+swang
+Swayze
+sweatsocks
+Sweden's
+sweeteners
+Swinburne
+Swipple's
+synagog
+syncs
+synthetase
+Syrus
+sysadmin
+syscalls
+SYSIN
+sysinstall
+SYSNOTE
+Szasz
+T'ai
+t'git
+T'umps
+Tabby
+Taber
+Taber's
+Tac
+tachyon
+Taggart
+Tai
+takest
+taketh
+Talking's
+Tallulah
+tamperest
+Tanenbaum
+tannogallate
+tapeworms
+tapioca
+tappity
+Tarkin
+Tarkington
+Tarradiddles
+Tasmanians
+TATERNATOR
+tbsp
+TDB
+Tech's
+Technolorata
+Tecumseh
+teddy
+Teddywookie
+tee'd
+teepers
+telematic
+telepath
+teleportation
+telepsychology
+tempfile
+tendrils
+tequila
+Terence
+Terentius
+Teriyaki
+Termiter's
+Tertullian
+TEXage
+textfiles
+thaaaaaaat's
+Thackeray
+Thalberg
+Thames
+Theatre
+Themas
+Theophrastus
+thermia
+Thermopylae
+Thieu
+thing's
+thinkle
+Thom
+thou'lt
+Thoul't
+Threepio
+Throop
+thru
+Thucydides
+Thurber
+Thurgood
+Thurston
+Thyme's
+thyself
+Tiburcio
+Tiddely
+Tiffany's
+Tijuana
+Tikkanen
+Timbuktu
+time's
+tinhorn
+tinpot
+Tirith
+tis
+Tiselius
+tites
+TLC
+TM
+toastings
+Tobaben
+Tobias
+Tock
+toehold
+Tolkien
+tollway
+Tomalin
+Tomash
+Tomlin
+tommyo
+Tonka
+Topanga
+Topologists
+Torek
+tornpee
+Tortue
+Tortue's
+Torvalds
+TOTD
+Toto
+touch'd
+Touche
+toujours
+toun
+Tourbillon
+Toven
+trans
+transmogrifiers
+trapezes
+Traub
+traumatized
+treacle
+Trenchtown
+Tribbles
+TRICHOPHOBIA
+Tricia
+Trillian
+Trillin
+Trimble
+Trobin
+Troney
+Trotsky
+trovato
+TRS
+Trudeau
+truffula
+truncheons
+Truscott
+Trygve
+tryptophan
+Tse
+tsetse
+TSO
+tsp
+Tsu
+tsunamis
+ttyTV
+Tue
+tuit
+tuits
+Tukey
+Tullius
+tumbleweeds
+tune's
+Tunstall
+tuppenny
+Turds
+Turgenev
+Turnaucka's
+turneth
+Tussman's
+Tut's
+Twain's
+Twas
+Tweedledee
+Tweedledum
+tween
+tweety
+twitches
+twits
+twixt
+Twodor
+Twodor's
+TYDFS
+tyg
+typefaces
+Tyroon
+Ubi
+UDA
+Udall's
+UFO
+UFO's
+uh
+ukulele
+Umberto
+Ummm
+umsige
+Un
+Una
+unamerican
+unbegot
+unbelievers
+UNC
+undemanding
+underachiever
+Unger
+Unhhh
+unhounded
+unionists
+unkindest
+unleaving
+unmasks
+unscrappable
+Unseld
+untechnician
+unvoist
+Updike
+uponst
+Urey
+Urho
+Urk
+USEnauts
+Usenetter
+useth
+USL
+Ustinov
+UT
+UTCS
+uuclean
+uulog
+VA
+Vader
+Vader's
+Vail's
+Valachi
+Valerius
+Valery
+VALGOL
+Valiel's
+valium
+VanDam
+Vannevar
+Vapereau
+vaporized
+varicose
+Varro
+Vasquez
+Vastgota
+vatch
+Vate
+Vaughan
+Vauvenargues
+Vax
+VAX's
+Vaxen
+VAXen
+VAXs
+VCR
+VCR's
+Veeck
+velcro
+Velilind's
+Velveeta
+Veni
+Venkman
+Venn
+ventious
+Verdunne
+Vergas
+Vergilius
+veritas
+Vernor
+verreckt
+Vespucci
+Vespuccia
+VESTIPHOBIA
+vetted
+VFW
+Vic
+vichyssoise
+Vidal
+VIDEOCASSETTE
+Vidi
+viditur
+Vido's
+vieillesse
+viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee
+Vila
+Vinchy
+Vinci
+Vinge
+Virgil
+Virt
+Viscott
+Vittorini
+VLSI
+VMI
+VMS
+VMSPDGERS
+Vobiscum
+Vocab
+VODKA
+vodkas
+Vogon
+Vogons
+voist
+Volkswagen
+Vollyballocracy
+Voltarine
+von
+Vonada
+Vondel's
+Vonnegut
+Vonnegut's
+VOOM
+vowlz
+Vries
+Vroomfondel
+VSOP
+VUJA
+Vulgate
+VW
+VWD
+vyui
+Waben
+WAC's
+Wald
+Walinsky
+Walla
+Wallbangers
+walleting
+Wallis
+Walter's
+Walton's
+Waltons
+Wanda
+wanna
+wanwood
+Warbucks
+Warburton
+warders
+Warhol
+warlord
+Washlesky
+WASPs
+WastebasketSLMHQ
+Wat
+watchout
+Watership
+Watford
+Watney's
+Watt's
+Watterson
+WBT
+wearers
+weatherman
+Weed's
+Weederman
+weenies
+Weil
+Weiler
+Weiler's
+Weinberg's
+Weinberger
+Weiner's
+Weir's
+weirdo
+Weisert
+Weizenbaum
+Weller
+Welles
+welp
+Wemm
+wench
+werld
+Wernher
+Wertheimer
+Westbrook
+Westbury
+westerns
+Westheimer
+Westheimer's
+Westmoreland
+Wethern's
+Wh
+Whaddaya
+Whaddya
+whaledreck
+What'll
+WHATEVERSAROUND
+Whattaya
+whilst
+Whipsnade
+WHIRRR
+Whistler's
+White's
+Whitehead's
+Whitehorn
+Whitton
+Whitty
+whoami
+whodo
+whomped
+Whooa
+Whoopie
+Wickersham
+Wiggam
+Wihelminalaan
+Wiker's
+Wilcox's
+Wilde
+wilds
+Willeford
+Willie's
+Willis
+Wilner's
+Wimbrow
+wimmelten
+wimp
+Winchell
+Windex
+windstorms
+Winfrey
+winnowed
+Winny
+Winokur
+Winsor
+Winwood
+Wir
+Wirrten
+Wirth
+wiseguy
+witch's
+Wither's
+Withington
+Witt's
+Wittgenstein
+WL
+Wobegon
+Wodehouse
+woes
+wolfing
+wollen
+Wollman
+wombat
+Wombat's
+wombats
+Womblike
+woodburning
+Woodhead
+woodlands
+Woodstock
+Woodward's
+Wookiee
+Woolf
+Woollcott
+worketh
+workingman
+Workingman's
+workup
+WORLD's
+worth's
+wreckages
+Wrenshaw
+writest
+wrung
+WSJ
+WXRT
+Wynand
+Xanadu
+xanthic
+Xanthippe's
+Xaviera
+XCVI
+xen
+xenophobic
+XGP
+XIIdigitation
+XINU
+XL
+XLI
+XLII
+XLIII
+XLIV
+XLIX
+XLV
+XLVI
+XLVII
+XLVIII
+xrewawt
+xsz
+XTC
+XXI
+XXII
+XXIII
+XXIV
+XXIX
+XXV
+XXVI
+XXVII
+XXVIII
+XXX
+XXXI
+XXXII
+XXXIII
+XXXIV
+XXXIX
+XXXV
+XXXVI
+XXXVII
+XXXVIII
+XY
+Y'all
+y'are
+Y'know
+Yabba
+Yacob
+yams
+Yankovic
+Yay
+Yellowstone
+Yeltsin
+Yessir
+Yevtushenko
+Yewtoo
+Yinkel
+Yippie
+Yoda
+Yoda's
+Yoko
+Yorba
+Yoric
+Yorker's
+you'se
+Youghkins
+Youngman
+yourselfer
+Yuggoth
+Yul
+Yuletide
+Yutang
+yyoouurr
+Zachmann
+Zadeh
+Zaftig
+Zall's
+Zamphuor
+Zanuck
+Zaphod
+Zappa
+Zarathud
+zayda
+zcat
+Zelazny
+Zelkowitz
+Zeno's
+zephyr's
+Zern
+Zevon
+Zilla
+Zimmer
+Zippos
+Zisla's
+Zolman
+ZON
+zonked
+Zonker
+zookeepers
+ZORAC
+Zork
+Zorkmids
+Zorn's
+Zorro
+Zoso
+Zow
+Zsa
+Zukav
+Zwanzig
+Zwart
+Zweigs
+Zwicky
+Zymurgy's
--- /dev/null
+This fortune brought to you by:
+$FreeBSD$
+%
+Any user that is a member of the wheel group can use "su -" to simulate
+a root login. You can add a user to the wheel group by editing /etc/group.
+ -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+%
+By pressing "Scroll Lock" you can use the arrow keys to scroll backward
+through the console output. Press "Scroll Lock" again to turn it off.
+%
+Can't remember if you've installed a certain port or not? Try "pkg info
+-x port_name".
+%
+Ever wonder what those numbers after command names were, as in cat(1)? It's
+the section of the manual the man page is in. "man man" will tell you more.
+ -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
+%
+Forget how to spell a word or a variation of a word? Use
+
+ look portion_of_word_you_know
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Forget what directory you are in? Type "pwd".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Forget when Easter is? Try "ncal -e". If you need the date for Orthodox
+Easter, use "ncal -o" instead.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+FreeBSD is started up by the program 'init'. The first thing init does when
+starting multiuser mode (ie, starting the computer up for normal use) is to
+run the shell script /etc/rc. By reading /etc/rc and the /etc/rc.d/ scripts,
+you can learn a lot about how the system is put together, which again will
+make you more confident about what happens when you do something with it.
+%
+Handy bash(1) prompt: PS1="\u@\h \w \!$ "
+ -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
+%
+Having trouble using fetch through a firewall? Try setting the environment
+variable FTP_PASSIVE_MODE to yes, and see fetch(3) for more details.
+%
+If other operating systems have damaged your Master Boot Record, you can
+reinstall it with boot0cfg(8). See
+"man boot0cfg" for details.
+%
+If you accidentally end up inside vi, you can quit it by pressing Escape, colon
+(:), q (q), bang (!) and pressing return.
+%
+If you are in the C shell and have just installed a new program, you won't
+be able to run it unless you first type "rehash".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+If you do not want to get beeps in X11 (X Windows), you can turn them off with
+
+ xset b off
+%
+If you have a CD-ROM drive in your machine, you can make the CD-ROM that is
+presently inserted available by typing 'mount /cdrom' as root. The CD-ROM
+will be available under /cdrom/. Remember to do 'umount /cdrom' before
+removing the CD-ROM (it will usually not be possible to remove the CD-ROM
+without doing this.)
+
+Note: This tip may not work in all configurations.
+%
+If you need a reminder to leave your terminal, type "leave +hhmm" where
+"hhmm" represents in how many hours and minutes you need to leave.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+If you need to ask a question on the FreeBSD-questions mailing list then
+
+ http://www.FreeBSD.org/doc/en_US.ISO8859-1/articles/\
+ freebsd-questions/index.html
+
+contains lots of useful advice to help you get the best results.
+%
+If you write part of a filename in tcsh,
+pressing TAB will show you the available choices when there
+is more than one, or complete the filename if there's only one match.
+%
+If you `set watch = (0 any any)' in tcsh, you will be notified when
+someone logs in or out of your system.
+%
+If you use the C shell, add the following line to the .cshrc file in your
+home directory to prevent core files from being written to disk:
+
+ limit coredumpsize 0
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+If you want df(1) and other commands to display disk sizes in
+kilobytes instead of 512-byte blocks, set BLOCKSIZE in your
+environment to 'K'. You can also use 'M' for Megabytes or 'G' for
+Gigabytes. If you want df(1) to automatically select the best size
+then use 'df -h'.
+%
+If you want to play CDs with FreeBSD, a utility for this is already included.
+Type 'cdcontrol' then 'help' to learn more. (You may need to set the CDROM
+environment variable in order to make cdcontrol want to start.)
+%
+If you'd like to keep track of applications in the FreeBSD ports tree, take a
+look at FreshPorts;
+
+ http://www.freshports.org/
+%
+In order to make fetch (the FreeBSD downloading tool) ask for
+username/password when it encounters a password-protected web page, you can set
+the environment variable HTTP_AUTH to 'basic:*'.
+%
+In order to search for a string in some files, use 'grep' like this:
+
+ grep "string" filename1 [filename2 filename3 ...]
+
+This will print out the lines in the files that contain the string. grep can
+also do a lot more advanced searches - type 'man grep' for details.
+%
+In order to support national characters for European languages in tools like
+less without creating other nationalisation aspects, set the environment
+variable LC_ALL to 'en_US.ISO8859-1'.
+%
+"man firewall" will give advice for building a FreeBSD firewall
+ -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
+%
+"man hier" will explain the way FreeBSD filesystems are normally laid out.
+ -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
+%
+Man pages are divided into section depending on topic. There are 9 different
+sections numbered from 1 (General Commands) to 9 (Kernel Developer's Manual).
+You can get an introduction to each topic by typing
+
+ man <number> intro
+
+In other words, to get the intro to general commands, type
+
+ man 1 intro
+%
+"man ports" gives many useful hints about installing FreeBSD ports.
+%
+"man security" gives very good advice on how to tune the security of your
+FreeBSD system.
+%
+"man tuning" gives some tips how to tune performance of your FreeBSD system.
+ -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
+%
+Need to do a search in a manpage or in a file you've sent to a pager? Use
+"/search_word". To repeat the same search, type "n" for next.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to find the location of a program? Use "locate program_name".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to leave your terminal for a few minutes and don't want to logout?
+Use "lock -p". When you return, use your password as the key to unlock the
+terminal.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to print a manpage? Use
+
+ man name_of_manpage | col -bx | lpr
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to quickly empty a file? Use ": > filename".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to quickly return to your home directory? Type "cd".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to remove all those ^M characters from a DOS file? Try
+
+ tr -d \\r < dosfile > newfile
+ -- Originally by Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to see the calendar for this month? Simply type "cal". To see the
+whole year, type "cal -y".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to see which daemons are listening for connection requests? Use
+"sockstat -4l" for IPv4, and "sockstat -l" for IPv4 and IPv6.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Need to see your routing table? Type "netstat -rn". The entry with the G
+flag is your gateway.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Nice bash prompt: PS1='(\[$(tput md)\]\t <\w>\[$(tput me)\]) $(echo $?) \$ '
+ -- Mathieu <mathieu@hal.interactionvirtuelle.com>
+%
+Over quota? "du -s * | sort -n " will give you a sorted list of your
+directory sizes.
+ -- David Scheidt <dscheidt@tumbolia.com>
+%
+nc(1) (or netcat) is useful not only for redirecting input/output to
+TCP or UDP connections, but also for proxying them with inetd(8).
+%
+sh (the default Bourne shell in FreeBSD) supports command-line editing. Just
+``set -o emacs'' or ``set -o vi'' to enable it.
+%
+Simple tcsh prompt: set prompt = '%# '
+%
+The default editor in FreeBSD is vi, which is efficient to use when you have
+learned it, but somewhat user-unfriendly. To use ee (an easier but less
+powerful editor) instead, set the environment variable EDITOR to /usr/bin/ee
+%
+Time to change your password? Type "passwd" and follow the prompts.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To change an environment variable in /bin/sh use:
+
+ $ VARIABLE="value"
+ $ export VARIABLE
+%
+To change an environment variable in tcsh you use: setenv NAME "value"
+where NAME is the name of the variable and "value" its new value.
+%
+To clear the screen, use "clear". To re-display your screen buffer, press
+the scroll lock key and use your page up button. When you're finished,
+press the scroll lock key again to get your prompt back.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To determine whether a file is a text file, executable, or some other type
+of file, use
+
+ file filename
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To do a fast search for a file, try
+
+ locate filename
+
+locate uses a database that is updated every Saturday (assuming your computer
+is running FreeBSD at the time) to quickly find files based on name only.
+%
+To erase a line you've written at the command prompt, use "Ctrl-U".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To find the hostname associated with an IP address, use
+
+ drill -x IP_address
+ -- Allan Jude <allanjude@FreeBSD.org>
+%
+To obtain a neat PostScript rendering of a manual page, use ``-t'' switch
+of the man(1) utility: ``man -t <topic>''. For example:
+
+ man -t grep > grep.ps # Save the PostScript version to a file
+or
+ man -t printf | lp # Send the PostScript directly to printer
+%
+To quickly create an empty file, use "touch filename".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To read a compressed file without having to first uncompress it, use
+"zcat" or "zless" to view it.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To repeat the last command in the C shell, type "!!".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To save disk space in your home directory, compress files you rarely
+use with "gzip filename".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To search for files that match a particular name, use find(1); for example
+
+ find / -name "*GENERIC*" -ls
+
+will search '/', and all subdirectories, for files with 'GENERIC' in the name.
+ -- Stephen Hilton <nospam@hiltonbsd.com>
+%
+To see all of the directories on your FreeBSD system, type
+
+ find / -type d | less
+
+All the files?
+
+ find / -type f | less
+%
+To see how long it takes a command to run, type the word "time" before the
+command name.
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To see how much disk space is left on your partitions, use
+
+ df -h
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To see the 10 largest files on a directory or partition, use
+
+ du /partition_or_directory_name | sort -rn | head
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To see the IP addresses currently set on your active interfaces, type
+"ifconfig -u".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To see the last 10 lines of a long file, use "tail filename". To see the
+first 10 lines, use "head filename".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To see the last time that you logged in, use lastlogin(8).
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To see the MAC addresses of the NICs on your system, type
+
+ ifconfig -a
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+To see the output from when your computer started, run dmesg(8). If it has
+been replaced with other messages, look at /var/run/dmesg.boot.
+ -- Francisco Reyes <lists@natserv.com>
+%
+Want colour in your directory listings? Use "ls -G". "ls -F" is also useful,
+and they can be combined as "ls -FG".
+%
+Want to find a specific port, just type the following under /usr/ports
+or one its subdirectories:
+
+ make search name=<port-name>
+ or
+ make search key=<keyword>
+%
+Want to know how many words, lines, or bytes are contained in a file? Type
+"wc filename".
+ -- Dru <genesis@istar.ca>
+%
+Want to see how much virtual memory you're using? Just type "swapinfo" to
+be shown information about the usage of your swap partitions.
+%
+Want to strip UTF-8 BOM(Byte Order Mark) from given files?
+
+ sed -e '1s/^\xef\xbb\xbf//' < bomfile > newfile
+%
+Want to use sed(1) to edit a file in place? Well, to replace every 'e' with
+an 'o', in a file named 'foo', you can do:
+
+ sed -i.bak s/e/o/g foo
+
+And you'll get a backup of the original in a file named 'foo.bak', but if you
+want no backup:
+
+ sed -i '' s/e/o/g foo
+%
+When you've made modifications to a file in vi(1) and then find that
+you can't write it, type ``<ESC>!rm -f %'' then ``:w!'' to force the
+write
+
+This won't work if you don't have write permissions to the directory
+and probably won't be suitable if you're editing through a symbolic link.
+%
+You can adjust the volume of various parts of the sound system in your
+computer by typing 'mixer <type> <volume>'. To get a list of what you can
+adjust, just type 'mixer'.
+%
+You can automatically download and install binary packages by doing
+
+ pkg install <package>
+
+This will also automatically install the packages that are dependencies
+for the package you install (ie, the packages it needs in order to work.)
+%
+You can change the video mode on all consoles by adding something like
+the following to /etc/rc.conf:
+
+ allscreens="80x30"
+
+You can use "vidcontrol -i mode | grep T" for a list of supported text
+modes.
+ -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+%
+You can disable tcsh's terminal beep if you `set nobeep'.
+%
+You can install extra packages for FreeBSD by using the ports system.
+If you have installed it, you can download, compile, and install software by
+just typing
+
+ # cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname>
+ # make install && make clean
+
+as root. The ports infrastructure will download the software, change it so
+it works on FreeBSD, compile it, install it, register the installation so it
+will be possible to automatically uninstall it, and clean out the temporary
+working space it used. You can remove an installed port you decide you do not
+want after all by typing
+
+ # cd /usr/ports/<category>/<portname>
+ # make deinstall
+
+as root.
+%
+You can look through a file in a nice text-based interface by typing
+
+ less filename
+%
+You can make a log of your terminal session with script(1).
+%
+You can often get answers to your questions about FreeBSD by searching in the
+FreeBSD mailing list archives at
+
+ http://www.FreeBSD.org/search/search.html
+%
+You can open up a new split-screen window in (n)vi with :N or :E and then
+use ^w to switch between the two.
+%
+You can permanently set environment variables for your shell by putting them
+in a startup file for the shell. The name of the startup file varies
+depending on the shell - csh and tcsh uses .login, bash, sh, ksh and zsh use
+.profile. When using bash, sh, ksh or zsh, don't forget to export the
+variable.
+%
+You can press Ctrl-D to quickly exit from a shell, or logout from a
+login shell.
+ -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+%
+You can press Ctrl-L while in the shell to clear the screen.
+%
+You can press up-arrow or down-arrow to walk through a list of
+previous commands in tcsh.
+%
+You can search for documentation on a keyword by typing
+
+ apropos keyword
+%
+You can `set autologout = 30' to have tcsh log you off automatically
+if you leave the shell idle for more than 30 minutes.
+%
+You can use aliases to decrease the amount of typing you need to do to get
+commands you commonly use. Examples of fairly popular aliases include (in
+Bourne shell style, as in /bin/sh, bash, ksh, and zsh):
+
+ alias lf="ls -FA"
+ alias ll="ls -lA"
+ alias su="su -m"
+
+In csh or tcsh, these would be
+
+ alias lf ls -FA
+ alias ll ls -lA
+ alias su su -m
+
+To remove an alias, you can usually use 'unalias aliasname'. To list all
+aliases, you can usually type just 'alias'.
+%
+You can use /etc/make.conf to control the options used to compile software
+on this system. Example entries are in
+/usr/share/examples/etc/make.conf.
+%
+You can use "pkg info" to see a list of packages you have installed.
+%
+You can use the 'fetch' command to retrieve files over ftp, http or https.
+
+ fetch http://www.FreeBSD.org/index.html
+
+will download the front page of the FreeBSD web site.
+%
+You can use "whereis" to search standard binary, manual page and source
+directories for the specified programs. This can be particularly handy
+when you are trying to find where in the ports tree an application is.
+
+Try "whereis firefox" and "whereis whereis".
+ -- Konstantinos Konstantinidis <kkonstan@duth.gr>
+%
+Want to run the same command again?
+In tcsh you can type "!!"
+%
+Want to go the directory you were just in?
+Type "cd -"
+%
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+aliasname
+allscreens
+AUTH
+autolist
+autologout
+BLOCKSIZE
+bomfile
+cdcontrol
+cdrom
+CDs
+cfg
+conf
+coredumpsize
+csh
+cshrc
+Ctrl
+deinstall
+dmesg
+dosfile
+dscheidt
+duth
+ESC
+filec
+FreeBSD
+grep
+gzip
+hiltonbsd
+html
+http
+ifconfig
+inetd
+init
+interactionvirtuelle
+IPv
+istar
+kkonstan
+Konstantinidis
+ksh
+lastlogin
+lpr
+manpage
+mathieu
+misc
+natserv
+ncal
+netcat
+netstat
+newfile
+NICs
+nobeep
+nospam
+org
+passwd
+pkg
+portname
+PostScript
+printf
+proxying
+PS
+pwd
+Reyes
+sbin
+Scheidt
+setenv
+sockstat
+swapinfo
+sysinstall
+tcsh
+tcsh's
+tput
+tumbolia
+UDP
+umount
+unalias
+uninstall
+uniq
+username
+usr
+UTF
+vidcontrol
+whereis
+www
+xset
+zcat
+zmore
+zsh
--- /dev/null
+%% $FreeBSD$
+%% From The War Against The Chtorr,
+%% Copyright David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all rights reserved,
+%% used with permission of the author.
+%%
+%%© This is the copyright line.
+%%Eighty-nine is the year we assign.
+%% These verses are caroled
+%% by one David Gerrold.
+%%All rights are reserved. This is mine. *
+%%
+A limerick of classic proportion
+should have meter and rhyme and a portion
+ of humor quite lewd,
+ and a frightfully crude,
+impossible sexual contortion.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A limerick is best when it's lewd,
+gross, titillating and crude --
+ but this one is clean,
+ unless you are seen
+reading it aloud in the nude.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+I wanted to print here a medley
+of limericks so gross they were deadly,
+ but when the typesetter tried
+ to set them, he died;
+(not to mention my editor, Smedly.)
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+I have written some limericks quite fateful,
+malicious and vicious and hateful;
+ but I've torn up the jokes
+ that would sicken most folks,
+and humanity ought to be grateful.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young lady named Susie,
+Who everyone thought was a floozy.
+ She liked boy scout troops
+ and Shriners, in groups;
+"What the hell?" She replied. "I'm not choosy."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A fellow who lived in West Perkin
+was always a-jerkin' his gherkin.
+ Said he, "It's not fickle
+ to play with my pickle.
+At least my gherkin's a workin'."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A proctologist name of McGee
+once bent over double to see
+ an eyeball of glass
+ he had shoved up his ass,
+"-- so I can see one that looks back at me."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Bart has a singular penis
+for his wife who is built like a Venus.
+ He awoke with a fright
+ last Saturday night:
+"Hey! Something is coming between us!"
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady who lives in New Delhi
+has habits disgusting and smelhi.
+ She likes to eat feces
+ of various species.
+(The recipe is tattooed or her belhi.)
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A daisy chain isn't a riddle.
+just some folks who are happy to fiddle,
+ by twos and by threes,
+ on their backs or their knees,
+and it's fun getting caught in the middle!
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lad with a marvelous bend
+has no need of a lover or friend.
+ What he does to himself
+ would fill up a shelf,
+but alas, he has come to his end.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was an old witch, name of Jessie
+whose crotch was all smelly and messie.
+ She enjoyed a good squirm
+ with an alien worm
+-- and got stains all over her dressie!
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady who favors coition,
+has invented the spaceship position.
+ She lies down with ease
+ and pulls up her knees,
+and hollers, "Lift off!" and "Ignitions!"
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Isaac the famous seducer,
+will meet a young lass and conducer
+ to let him get fresh
+ with her quivering flesh,
+but if there isn't the time, he'll just gucer.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+And old man of Texas named Tanners
+was notorious for his bad manners.
+ When he noticed the start
+ of an imminent fart,
+he'd announce it with bullhorns and banners.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A woman who wanted to see,
+if she stood up, how far she could pee,
+ had pardon to beg,
+ when it ran down her leg,
+and formed icicles off her left knee.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A promiscuous sort was dear Laurie
+(Yes, this is that kind of story.)
+ She did it with Joe
+ and Larry and Moe
+and Curly and Howard and Morrie.
+
+And Johnny and Richard and Pritchard and Kerry
+And Lonnie and Horace and Boris and Barry
+ and Donald and Harold
+ and Ronald and Gerald
+and Tommy and Dicky and Harry.
+
+And . . . Peter and Paul and Teddy and Todd
+and Matthew and Mark and Simon and Rod
+ and Brucie and Mark
+ and Bobby and Clarck
+and she still isn't finished! My God!
+
+And David and Dennis and Huey and Ken
+and Dewey and Louie, then David again,
+ and Willy and Ben
+ and David again
+and again and again and again.
+
+And Danny and Manny and Gary and Fred
+and Mackie and Jackie and Dougie and Ned
+ and Harvey and Len
+ (then David again)
+and -- hold on just a second, she's dead!
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young man from St. Loo,
+who gave his dear sister a screw.
+ Said he, with aplomb,
+ "You're better than Mom."
+Said she, "That's what Dad told me too!"
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady who didn't like flies
+managed to hide her surprise,
+ when she opened up one
+ and found it was fun.
+Now she willingly widens her thighs.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young lady named Nancy,
+who liked having sex, plain of fancy.
+ With lightning and thunder,
+ and a profound sense of wonder,
+But not with a partner -- much too chancy.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young lady quite tearful.
+Of sucking a cock, she was fearful.
+ In a moment of dread,
+ she just turned her head.
+And, boy! Did she get an earful!
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A mathematician named Boris
+had a wife with a wondrous clitoris.
+ He charged a small fee
+ for his colleagues to see
+that it was made in the shape of a torus.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+The ladies all had to agree
+that Mort's penis was too small to see.
+ A whore named Louise
+ sniffed, "Who will _that_ please?"
+Mort proudly submitted, "Just me!"
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Fisk
+whose comings and goings were brisk,
+ He hid things that were stolen
+ inside his colon,
+and said, "Hey! It's my own *."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A stunning young lady named Joan
+thought a penis was made with a bone.
+ She just didn't know
+ 'twas her sexual glow
+that turned parts of men into stone.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A midwife named Flo from Arabia
+often enjoys giving baby a
+ forty-volt shock
+ to the base of the cock.
+(On a girl, she goes for the labia.)
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+I know of a lass who's for sale.
+She's really a nice piece of tail.
+ From June to September,
+ she'll devour your member,
+but the rest of the year, she's in jail.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Miss Wilkerson thought it her duty
+to maintain her conjugal beauty.
+ She mixed up a paste
+ of industrial waste,
+and applied it to her sweet patootie.*
+
+* The facts about beauty are known,
+and well-learned by those who are grown:
+ beauty is thin,
+ it lies on the skin;
+but ugly goes down to the bone.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+The punctual Cynthia Rolen
+missed a period, (or it was stolen)
+ She looked up her ass
+ with a tube made of glass,
+but found only her own semi-colon;
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A short-organ fellow named Kevin
+used a vacuum to stretch it to seven,
+ then to eight and to nine,
+ and though ten was divine,
+there will be film at eleven.*
+
+* If you think that our boy's now a stud,
+you've been fooled by the size of his pud.
+ Although twelve inches soft,
+ when it rises aloft,
+he just faints from the sheer lack of blood.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There once was a lady named Lizard,
+who got lost in a pink candy blizzard,
+ with a fellow named Jim
+ who wanted to swim
+up her legs to visit her gizzard.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Ted,
+who had a radio put in his head.
+ Long wave or short
+ he did it for sport
+-- and to improve his reception in bed.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young lady from Venus,
+whose body was shaped like a penis.
+ A fellow named Hunt
+ was shaped like a cunt,
+so it all worked out fine, just between us.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was an old bastard named Gene,
+impotent, selfish, and mean.
+ His dick was so shamed
+ by what the man claimed,
+it pretended that is was a spleen.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There once was a fellow named Jason,
+whose horrible death I would hasten.
+ I'd feed him to worms,
+ just to see how he squirms
+-- but they'd vomit his crap in a basin.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+With a French lass, it's unwise to trifle.
+They have urges they simply can't stifle.
+ A woman of France
+ will pull down her pants
+at the sight of a towering eye-full.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+"My God!" screamed devout Mrs. Pike,
+as she fondled her stableman's spike.
+ "This is quite out of place,
+ and a great loss of face
+-- but I think I have fallen in like!"
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A well-endower fellow from Ortening
+prepared for an evening of sportening,
+ with a boy from a disco,
+ till he lubed up his Crisco,
+and discovered, alas, it was _shortening_!
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady who read Sigmund Freud,
+thought her genitals underemployed;
+ so she put in a stand
+ for a seven-piece band,
+and held dances that we all enjoyed.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady named Shirley was mellow
+and she said to her eager young fellow,
+ "I prefer bagels and lox
+ to sucking off cocks,
+Or even a nice dish of Jell-O!"
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young man from St. Helens
+afflicted with shrinkin's and swellin's.
+ His dick was so small
+ it was not there at all,
+but his balls looked like honeydew melons.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A woman who once faked a lettera
+reference by which she could gettera
+ job much improved,
+ regretted her move
+when they asked her to show her et cetera.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady of South Madagascar
+wears a bag on her head; it's to mask her.
+ A bottle of scotch
+ might loosen her crotch.
+Wait here, I'll go and I'll ask her.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Chuck is weird, let the whole world know it.
+He brought in his bucket to show it.
+ We all had a fit
+ when we saw it was shit.
+We didn't know he was planning to throw it.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+"Which partners are best? Sixty-niners.
+And better than that? Try the Shriners."
+ These are the results
+ of consenting adults,
+(and occasional like-minded minors.)
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady's iambic pentameter
+is thirty-two inches diameter.
+ The breadth of her scansion
+ is due to expansion
+in the pants of a critical amateur.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young fellow from Norwich
+Who liked having sex with his porridge.
+ With sugar and cream
+ and a buttery scream --
+(The leftovers went into storage.)
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Jim
+who liked to get naked and swim
+ with plastic sex toys
+ shaped like pubescent boys,
+'cause he'd rather be gay than be grim.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady who jogged in the breeze
+had bosoms that flapped to her knees.
+ Said she, "They're quite warm,
+ they keep me dry in a storm,
+and when it snows, I use them for skis."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was an old voyeur named Zeke,
+who liked to hide in the closet and peek,
+ then jump out with loud cries
+ of "Aha!" and "Surprise!"
+and point out your flaws in technique.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Rick promised to gently deflower
+a maiden who lived on South Gower,
+ (The truth is, he spread
+ her legs wide on the bed,
+and finished her off in an hour.)
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+These poems have come out of my forehead.
+The subject are all fairly torrid
+ -- except for the few
+ that will make you say, "Pugh!"
+And those are the ones that are horrid.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Juanita, the subject of scandals,
+used to use unscented candles,
+ but now thinks it nice
+ to use a device
+with batteries, buzzers, and handles.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was an old prune name of Ginty
+who only ate muffins and thin tea.
+ Thinking of sex
+ gave her the blecchs,
+and left her all dried up and squinty.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Here's the tale of Benjamin Sneed:
+Where others were two'd he was three'd
+ and when they unmasked it,
+ (three balls in his basket),
+he was voted "Most Likely to Breed."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A maiden who had a third breast
+always kept her hand close to her chest,
+ and I promised her well
+ that I never would tell.
+(Write me privately. Name on request.)
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Skydiver Daniel McDopp
+used to masturbate right from the top.
+ Whenever he fell,
+ he jerked off like hell.
+He was good to the very last drop.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A necrophile name of Ned Schultz,
+often brags of his deed and exults,
+ "Tis legal, it's said,
+ to make love to the dead,
+if performed by consenting adults."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Have you ever met Jamie McBeezis?
+He does any damn thing that he pleases.
+ Says Jamie, undaunted,
+ "If you've got it,then flaunt it!"
+But he's referring to social diseases.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There once was a nearsighted gynie
+whose glasses were sparkly and shiny;
+ but they stayed in the drawer
+ while he worked on a whore
+and tied up the tubes of her hiney.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A shepherd named Jimmie Fitzhugh,
+said to his sweetheart, "It's true.
+ Nothing is moister
+ than a fresh oister,
+unless, of course, it is ewe."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There's a reason why Barton is queer.
+When you meet him, the reason is clear.
+ A goddess named Venus
+ gave him a penis,
+but Mother Nature filled up his brassiere.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Then there was Benjamin Bright,
+a contestant on "What's My Delight?"
+ They guesses at his habits
+ with little white rabbits,
+but were stumped by his mouse and his kite.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young man from St. Lutz,
+who had a remarkable putz.
+ It would sniff, it would hunt,
+ for it only liked cunt.
+Absolutely no lips, hands, or butts.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Sally's sex life was carefully planned.
+Said she, "I prefer to be manned.
+ Things that are anal,
+ are always so banal,
+but things that expand are just grand."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Sally-Jo was exceedingly vexed,
+when they said she was quite oversexed.
+ She said, "That's not true,
+ I just like to screw,
+Now, please take a number. Who's next?"
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Sally sued for support; she was claimin'
+Phil had fathered her baby (named Damon).
+ She said, "I ought to know."
+ as she pointed below.
+"'Cause this is the box that he came in."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+We will need a computer to tally
+all the cowboys who scouted our Sally.
+ There were some on her mountains
+ and some on her fountains,
+and quite a few down in the valley.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady who overly lusted
+was frequently opened and thrusted.
+ When the baby came due
+ it was female too,
+and its hymen was already busted.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+When writing these verses of mine,
+I start with a clever last line,
+ then work backward from there,
+ toward the opening pair,
+with the hope it'll all work out fine.*
+
+*only sometimes it doesn't.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There once was a whore from St. Paul,
+who took anyone, wide, short, or tall.
+ She said to her clients,
+ "It's not really science --
+it's just that one size will fit all!"
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Forrest
+whose cornhole was one of the sorest.
+ Said he, "I don't mind
+ a regular grind
+-- but I do wish my ass were clitorised."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+When Shakespeare awakes with a scream
+and his member a-drippin' with cream,
+ 'tis just the commission
+ of nocturnal emission,
+which he dubs, "A Mid-Slumber Night-Stream."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+Sally-Jo taught erotic correction.
+She told her student to get an erection.
+ "Put your dick in my mouth.
+ Move it north, move it south --
+Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"
+
+Her instructions were very explicit,
+and more than a little illicit:
+ "Please fill up my cunny
+ with fresh clover honey,
+and butter my buns like a biscuit."
+
+"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
+and I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
+ I'll put on some feathers,
+ and laces and leathers,
+and wiggle my ass while you spank it."
+
+"Now that your fingers are stinky,
+tie me up in some chains that are clinky.
+ Bring in goats and a sheik,
+ give my titties a tweak
+--and _now_, we can start getting kinky!"
+
+"Forget what the chain and the whip meant.
+Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment
+ of high-grade Vaseline,
+ and a strong trampoline,
+and all of the other equipment!"
+
+"Now, when we get all the bedsprings a-drummin',
+that's when I'll start in a-hummin',
+ then quickly, my dear,
+ put it into my ear,
+so I'll hear the sound of it comin'!"
+
+"I don't know how much this is costing,"
+said her student, still covered with frosting.
+ "But I can say with affinity
+ that I've lost my virginity.
+Quite frankly, my dear, you're _exhausting_!"
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a mad pilot named Lizzy,
+whose manners were said to be skizzy.
+ She could loop, she could twirl,
+ she could make your head whirl.
+She left all her men fucking dizzy.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+The speed of Ed's seed is unclocked
+whenever a lady's unfrocked.
+ Tho' his spirit is willin',
+ when a pussy needs fillin',
+he's a man who goes off half-cocked.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A lady whose name is Tirelli
+has tits made of dynamite jelli.
+ If you take on this dare,
+ you must fondle with care.
+(The detonator's south of her belli.)
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+The fame of our Mame was her tushy,
+and the front of her cunt. (It was bushy.)
+ But I heard that her Mike
+ preferred for his spike
+the place in her face that was skwooshy.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A whore with a face like a hound
+complained that her sales were down,
+ till a lover named Michael
+ bought her a cycle,
+and she peddled it all over town.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+There was a young man named Levine
+who said to his lady, inclined,
+ "Thanks for the spasm,
+ it felt like orgasm;
+as a matter of fact, 'twas divine."
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
+A king who was mad at the time,
+decreed limerick writing a crime.
+ but late in the night
+ all the poets would write
+verses without any rhyme or meter.
+
+From The War Against The Chtorr, (c) David Gerrold, 1984-2000, all
+rights reserved, used with permission of the author.
+%
--- /dev/null
+%% $FreeBSD$
+%
+A bad little girl in Madrid,
+A most reprehensible kid,
+ Told her Tante Louise
+ That her cunt smelled like cheese,
+And the worst of it was that it did!
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+ Saw a man come along
+ And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
+I am not I, I'm a tree."
+ But another, more sane,
+ Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
+And covered his pants leg with pee.
+%
+A beautiful belle of Del Norte
+Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
+ Because during the day
+ She says: "Boys, keep away!"
+But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
+%
+A beautiful lady named Psyche
+Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
+ One thing about Ike
+ The lady can't like
+Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
+%
+A beetling young woman named Pridgets
+Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
+ Off the end of a wharf
+ She once pushed a dwarf
+Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
+Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
+ When she swiveled about
+ Even strong men cried out,
+For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
+%
+A bobby of Nottingham Junction
+Whose organ had long ceased to function
+ Deceived his good wife
+ For the rest of her life
+With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
+%
+A broken-down harlot named Tupps
+Was heard to confess in her cups:
+ "The height of my folly
+ Was diddling a collie-
+But I got a nice price for the pups."
+%
+A burlesque dancer, a pip
+Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
+ But she read science fiction
+ And died of constriction
+Attempting a Moebius strip.
+ -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
+%
+A busy young lady named Gloria
+Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
+ And then by six men,
+ Sir Gerald again,
+And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
+%
+A cabin boy on an old clipper
+Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
+ He plugged up his ass
+ With fragments of glass
+And thus circumcised his old skipper.
+%
+A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
+Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
+ With his date all strapped in
+ He committed a sin
+Without even leaving the garage.
+ -- "A Boy and His Dog"
+%
+A cautious young fellow named Tunney
+Had a whang that was worth any money.
+ When eased in half-way,
+ The girl's sigh made him say,
+"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
+%
+A certain young man, it was noted,
+Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
+ He said, "You may scoff,
+ But I shan't take it off;
+Underneath I am horribly bloated."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A certain young person of Ghent,
+Uncertain if lady or gent,
+ Shows his organs at large
+ For a small handling charge
+To assist him in paying the rent.
+%
+A certain young sheik of Algiers
+Said to his harem, "My dears,
+ Though you may think it odd of me,
+ I'm tired of just sodomy
+Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
+%
+A chap down in Oklahoma
+Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
+ But the sweetness of pitch
+ Couldn't put off the hitch
+Of impotence, size and aroma.
+%
+A charmer from old Amarillo,
+Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
+ Decided one day
+ That to keep men away
+She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
+%
+A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
+Had a pussy as large as a muff.
+ It had room for both hands
+ And some intimate glands,
+And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
+%
+A clerical student named Pryne
+Through pain sought to reach the divine:
+ He wore a hair shirt,
+ Quite often ate dirt,
+And bathed every Friday in brine.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A clever young man named Eugene
+Invented a jack-off machine.
+ On the twenty-third stroke
+ The fuckin' thing broke
+And beat both his balls to a creame.
+%
+A cocksucking steno named Beeman
+Remarked as she swallowed my semen:
+ "On my minuscule salary
+ I must watch every calorie,
+So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
+%
+A computer called Illiac4
+Had a rather tough bug in its core.
+ It chewed up its cards
+ And spewed yards and yards
+Of illegible tape on the floor.
+%
+A contortionist hailing from Lynch
+Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
+ A foot cost a quid --
+ He could and he did
+Stretch it to three in a pinch.
+%
+A corpulent maiden named Kroll
+Had a notion exceedingly droll:
+ At a masquerade ball,
+ Dressed in nothing at all,
+She backed in as a Parker House roll.
+%
+A cowhand way out in Seattle
+Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
+ He said, "No, I can't fuck
+ A lamb or a duck,
+But golly! it just fits the cattle."
+%
+A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
+And had an affair with a Saracen.
+ She was not oversexed,
+ Or jealous or vexed,
+She just wanted to make a comparison.
+%
+A CS student named Lin
+Had a prick the size of a pin
+ It was no good for girls
+ But just great for squirrels
+Who squealed with delight with it in.
+%
+A cute little twerp from Samoa
+Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
+ It was good for keyholes
+ And debutantes' peeholes
+But not worth a damn on a whoa.
+%
+A daredevil skater named Lowe,
+Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
+ But is proudest of doing,
+ Some incredible screwing,
+Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
+%
+A deep-throated virgin named Netty
+Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
+ She said, "It tastes nice,
+ Much better than rice,
+Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
+%
+A delighted, incredulous bride
+Remarked to her groom at her side:
+ "I never could quite
+ Believe till tonight
+Our anatomies would coincide."
+%
+A dentist, young doctor Malone,
+Got a charming girl patient alone,
+ And, in his depravity,
+ Filled the wrong cavity.
+God, how his practice has grown.
+%
+A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
+With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
+ Let his third-story front,
+ To a willing young cunt,
+Who supplied him a new lease on life!
+%
+A desperate spinster from Clare
+Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
+ And prayed to her God
+ For a romp on the sod--
+'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
+%
+A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
+Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
+ As quick as a glance
+ He stripped off his pants,
+But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
+%
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+ But a dropout from paree
+ Taught him Gamahuchee
+- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
+A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
+Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
+ She blew her vagina
+ To South Carolina,
+And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
+
+A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
+Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
+ They found her vagina,
+ In South Carolina,
+And part of her ass in Brazil.
+%
+A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
+Whose overworked sex is all callous,
+ Wore the foreskin away
+ On uncircumcised Ray,
+Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
+%
+A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
+Wished to foster an aura of menace.
+ To make people afraid
+ He wore gloves of grey suede
+And white footgear intended for tennis.
+ -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
+%
+A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
+Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
+ Had achieved some renown
+ For her tone going down--
+There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
+%
+A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
+Thought it very, very foolish to place
+ Her hand on your cock
+ When it turned hard as rock,
+For fear it would explode in your face.
+%
+A farmer I know named O'Doole
+Had a long and incredible tool.
+ He can use it to plow,
+ Or to diddle a cow,
+Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
+%
+A fellatrix's healthful condition
+Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
+ Her remarkable diet
+ (I suggest that you try it)
+Was only her clients' emission.
+%
+A fellow whose surname was Hunt
+Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
+ This versatile spout
+ Could be turned inside out,
+Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
+%
+A fisherman off of Cape Cod
+Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
+ But the high-minded fish
+ Resented his wish,
+And nimbly swam off with his rod.
+%
+A foolish geologist from Kissen
+Just didn't know what he was missin',
+ By studying rock
+ And neglecting his cock,
+And using it merely for pissin'.
+%
+A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
+Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
+ When he popped her cherry,
+ She made things hairy
+By bleeding all over his face.
+%
+A gay young prince from Morocco
+Made love in a manner rococo.
+ He painted his penis
+ To resemble a Venus
+And flavored his semen with cocoa.
+%
+A geneticist living in Delft
+Scientifically played with himself,
+ And when he was done
+ He labeled it: son,
+And filed him away on a shelf.
+%
+A gentleman, otherwise meek,
+Detested with passion the leek;
+ When offered one out
+ He dealt such a clout
+To the maid, she was down for a week.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A german composer named Bruckner
+Remarked to a lady while fuckener:
+ "Less lento, my dear,
+ With your cute little rear;
+I like a hot presto when muckener!"
+%
+A gift was delivered to Laura
+From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
+ Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
+ It was peeled, like a grape,
+And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A gifted young fellow from Sparta
+Was widely renowned as a farta'.
+ He could fart anything
+ From "Of Thee I Sing,"
+To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
+%
+A girl camper once had an affair
+With a fellow all covered with hair.
+ When she gave him his hat
+ She realized that
+She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
+%
+A girl of the Enterprise crew
+Refused every offer to screw.
+ But a Vulcan named Spock
+ Crawled under her smock,
+And now she is eating for two.
+%
+A girl of uncertain nativity
+Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
+ While she sat on the lap
+ Of a German or Jap,
+She could sense Fifth Column activity.
+%
+A graduate student named Zac
+Was said to be great in the sack.
+ An inch of his boner
+ Put girls in a coma
+And two gave them epileptic attacks.
+%
+A greedy young lady from Sidney
+Liked it in up to her kidney,
+ Till a man from Quebec
+ Shoved it up to her neck--
+He really diddled her, didn' he?
+%
+A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
+Once swallowed a package of seeds.
+ In a month, his ass
+ Was covered with grass
+And his balls were grown over with weeds.
+%
+A guest in a household quite charmless
+Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
+ "If you're caught unawares
+ At the head of the stairs,
+Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A habit depraved and unsavory
+Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
+ Midst screeches and howls
+ He deflowered young owls
+Which he kept in an underground aviary
+%
+A habit obscene and bizarre,
+Has taken a-hold of papa.
+ He brings home young camels
+ And other odd mammals,
+And gives them a go at mama.
+%
+A habit obscene and unsavory,
+Holds a CS professor in slavery.
+ With maniacal howls,
+ He deflowers young owls,
+That he keeps in an underground aviary.
+%
+A hacker who screwed a mag tape
+Was caught and convicted of rape.
+ To jail he did go,
+ From which, to his woe
+He couldn't get out with ESC.
+%
+A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
+Made love to the drive of his disk.
+ The thing circumsized him,
+ Which rather surprised him.
+He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
+%
+A handsome young rodent named Gratian
+As a lifeguard became a sensation.
+ All the lady mice waved
+ And screamed to be saved
+By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
+%
+A happy old hooker named Grace
+Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
+ It was hard for beginners
+ To tell who were winners:
+There were cunt hairs all over the place.
+%
+A hardware debugger named Court
+Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
+ But its buffer array
+ Only handled 1K,
+So the port's driver cut it off short.
+%
+A haughty young wench of Del Norte
+Would fuck only men over forty.
+ Said she, "It's too quick
+ With a young fellow's prick;
+I like it to last, and be warty."
+%
+A headstrong young woman in Ealing
+Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
+ When quizzed why she did,
+ She replied, "To be rid
+Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A hearty young fellow named Yost
+Once had an affair with a ghost.
+ At the height of the spasm
+ The poor ectoplasm
+Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."
+%
+A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
+Would say, when the fellows got hairy:
+ "Keep your prick in your pants
+ Till the end of this dance--"
+Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
+%
+A highly aesthetic young Jew
+Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
+ The end of his dillie
+ Was shaped like a lilly,
+And his balls were too utterly two!
+%
+A highway patrol buff named Claire,
+Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
+ And her parts grew so hot,
+ There was steam on her twat,
+So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
+%
+A horny young fellow named Reg,
+Was jerking off under a hedge.
+ The gardener drew near
+ With a huge pruning shear,
+And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
+%
+A huge-organed female in Dallas,
+Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
+ Was virgo intacto,
+ Because, ipso facto,
+No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
+%
+A joker who haunts Monticello
+Is really a terrible fellow.
+ In the midst of caresses
+ He fills ladies dresses
+With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
+%
+A lacklustre lady of Brougham
+Weaveth all night at her loom.
+ Anon she doth blench
+ When her lord and his wench
+Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
+%
+A lad, at his first copulation,
+Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
+ Gyration, elation
+ Throughout the duration,
+I guess I'll give up masturbation."
+%
+A lad from far-off Transvaal
+Was lustful, but tactful withal.
+ He'd say, just for luck,
+ "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
+But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
+%
+A lad of the brainier kind
+Had erogenous zones in his mind.
+ He got his sensations,
+ By solving equations,
+(Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
+%
+A lady born under a curse
+Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
+ From the back she would wail
+ Through a thickness of veil:
+"Things do not get better, but worse."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A lady both callous and brash
+Met a man with a vast black moustache;
+ She cried, "Shave it, O do!
+ And I'll put it with glue
+On my hat as a sort of panache."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A lady from Kalamazoo
+Once found she had nothing to do,
+ So she sat on the stairs
+ And she counted her hairs:
+4,302.
+%
+A lady from Old Little Rock
+In fidelity took little stock,
+ And deserted her man
+ In the streets of Japan
+For a boy with a prehensile cock.
+%
+A lady removing her scanties,
+Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
+ Said her beau, "Have no fear,
+ For the reason is clear:
+You simply have amps in your panties.
+%
+A lady stockholder quite hetera
+Decided her fortune to bettera:
+ On the floor, quite unclad,
+ She successively had
+Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
+%
+A lady was seized with intent
+To revise her existence misspent.
+ So she climbed up the dome
+ Of St. Peter's in Rome,
+Where she stayed through the following Lent.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A lady, while dining in Crewe,
+Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
+ Said the waiter, "Don't shout
+ Or wave it about
+Or the others will ask for one, too."
+%
+A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
+Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
+ "I don't mind my shins
+ Being stuck full of pins,
+But I fear I am coming unsexed."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A lady with features cherubic
+Was famed for her area pubic.
+ When they asked her its size
+ She replied in surprise,
+"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
+%
+A lass at the foot of her class
+Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
+ She replied, "With no fuss
+ You can get a B-plus,
+By letting the prof pat your ass."
+%
+A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
+After fucking his favorite female,
+ Mixed Drambuie and scotch
+ With the cream in her crotch
+For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
+%
+A licentious old justice of Salem
+Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
+ But instead of a fine
+ He would stand them in line,
+With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
+%
+A linguist thought it a farce
+That memory space was so sparse.
+ One day they increased it.
+ Said he as he seized it:
+"At last! Enough core for the parse".
+%
+A lonely young lad of Eton
+Used always to sleep with the heat on,
+ Till he ran into a lass
+ Who showed him her ass --
+Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
+%
+A lovely young diver named Nancy,
+Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
+ The fish of Bonaire,
+ Watched her Derriere,
+And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
+%
+A lovely young maid from St. Jude
+Once rode through the streets in the nude.
+ The police cried, "Whatam--
+ Agnificent bottom"
+And slapped it as hard as they could.
+%
+A lusty young maid from Seattle
+Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
+ Till she found a bull
+ Who filled her so full
+It made both her ovaries rattle.
+%
+A lusty young woodsman of Maine
+For years with no woman had lain,
+ But he found sublimation
+ At a high elevation
+In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
+%
+A madam who ran a bordello
+Put come in her pineapple jello,
+ For the rich, sexy taste
+ And not wanting to waste
+That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
+%
+A maestro directing in Rome
+Had a quaint way of driving it home.
+ Whoever he climbed
+ Had to keep her tail timed
+To the beat of his old metronome.
+%
+A maiden who lived in Virginny
+Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
+ The horsey set rushed her,
+ But success finally crushed her
+For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
+%
+A maiden who travelled in France
+Once got on a train, just by chance.
+ The engineer fucked her,
+ The conductor sucked her,
+And the fireman came in his pants.
+%
+A maiden who wrote of big cities
+Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
+ Sold her stuff at the shop
+ Of a musical wop
+Who played with her soft little titties.
+%
+A man was once heard to boast,
+That he received a parcel by post,
+ It contained, so we heard,
+ A magnificent turd,
+And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
+%
+A marine being sent to Hong Kong
+Got a doctor to alter his dong.
+ He sailed off with a tool
+ Flat and thin as a rule -
+When he got there he found he was wrong.
+%
+A mathematician named Hall
+Had a hexahedronical ball,
+ And the square of its weight
+ Times his pecker's, plus eight,
+Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.
+%
+A mathematician named Hall
+Has a hexahedronical ball,
+ And the cube of its weight
+ Times his pecker's, plus eight
+Is his phone number -- give him a call...
+%
+A mathematician named Klein
+Thought the Moebius band was divine.
+ Said he, "If you glue
+ The edges of two,
+You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
+%
+A middle-aged codger named Bruin
+Found his love life completely in ruin,
+ For he flirted with flirts
+ Wearing pants and no skirts,
+And he never got in for no screwin'.
+%
+A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
+Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
+ She had nowhere to turn,
+ So she diddled a churn,
+And managed to come with the butter.
+%
+A mortician who practised in Fife
+Made love to the corpse of his wife.
+ "How could I know, Judge?
+ She was cold, did not budge--
+Just the same as she'd acted in life."
+%
+A nasty old drunk in Carmel
+Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
+ He says, "Some don't favor
+ That unusual flavor,
+But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
+%
+A nervous young fellow named Fred
+Took a charming young widow to bed.
+ When he'd diddled a while
+ She remarked with a smile,
+"You've got it all in but the head."
+%
+A new dramatist of the absurd
+Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
+ I learn from my spies
+ He's about to devise
+An unprintable three-letter word.
+%
+A newlywed couple from Goshen
+Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
+ In twenty-eight days
+ They got laid eighty ways --
+Imagine such fucking devotion!
+%
+A newly-wed man of Peru
+Found himself in a terrible stew:
+ His wife was in bed
+ Much deader than dead,
+And so he had no one to screw.
+%
+A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
+In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
+ Reads the sign o'er the head
+ Of her well-rumpled bed
+"The customer always comes first."
+%
+A novice was told by the Abbot:
+"Consider the goat and the rabbit.
+ While they roll in the hay
+ You just stay home and pray.
+You've got to get out of that habit."
+%
+A nudist resort at Benares
+Took a midget in all unawares.
+ But he made members weep
+ For he just couldn't keep
+His nose out of private affairs.
+%
+A nurse motivated by spite
+Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
+ She launched it with ease
+ On the afternoon breeze,
+And watched till it flew out of sight.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A passionate red-haired girl
+When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
+ And her twat would get wet,
+ And would wiggle and fret,
+And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
+%
+A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
+Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
+ To arrest his regard
+ She would squat in his yard
+And longingly pee in the sneaux.
+%
+A physical fellow named Fisk
+Could screw at a rate very brisk.
+ So fast was his action
+ The Fitzgerald contraction
+Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
+%
+A pious old woman named Tweak
+Had taught her vagina to speak.
+ It was frequently liable
+ To quote from the Bible,
+But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
+%
+A pious young lady named Finnegan
+Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
+ So time it aright,
+ Make it last through the night,
+For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
+%
+A pious young lady of Chichester
+Made all of the saints in their niches stir
+ And each morning at matin
+ Her breast in pink satin
+Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
+%
+A playful young chemist named Byrd
+Had an urge that could not be deferred.
+ So to irritate Knox
+ He shit in his sox,
+And plastered the walls with his turd.
+%
+A plumber whose name was John Brink
+Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
+ Her resistance was stout,
+ And John Brink petered out,
+With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
+%
+A pretty wife living in Tours
+Demanded her daily amour.
+ But the husband said, "No!
+ It's to much. Let it go!
+My backsides are dragging the floor."
+%
+A pretty young boy known as Kevin
+Was raped in a pasture by seven
+ Lascivious beasts
+ (Oh, those Anglican priests)
+And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
+%
+A pretty young lady named Vogel
+Once sat herself down on a molehill.
+ A curious mole
+ Nosed into her hole --
+Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
+%
+A pretty young maiden from France
+Decided she'd "just take a chance."
+ She let herself go
+ For an hour or so,
+And now all her sisters are aunts.
+%
+A princess who lived near a bog
+Met a prince in the form of a frog.
+ Now she and her prince
+ Are the parents of quints,
+Four boys and one fine polliwog.
+%
+A princess who reigned in Baroda
+Made her home on a purple pagoda.
+ She festooned the walls
+ Of her halls with the balls
+And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
+%
+A programmer down in Moline
+Said, I'm the match for any machine.
+ My secret's aversion,
+ To loops and recursion,
+Just acres of in-line routine.
+ -- W. J. Wilson
+%
+A progressive professor named Winners
+Held classes each evening for sinners.
+ They were graded and spaced
+ So the vile and debased
+Would not be held back by beginners.
+%
+A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
+Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
+ She cried, "I suppose
+ There's no time for my clothes,
+But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
+%
+A rapturous young fellatrix
+One day was at work on five pricks.
+ With an unholy cry
+ She whipped out her glass eye:
+"Tell the boys I can now take on six."
+%
+A reckless young lady of France
+Had no qualms about taking a chance,
+ But she thought it was crude
+ To get screwed in the nude,
+So she always went home with damp pants.
+%
+A remarkable race are the Persians,
+They have such peculiar diversions.
+ They screw the whole day
+ In the regular way,
+And save up the nights for perversions.
+%
+A responsive young girl from the East
+In bed was an able artiste.
+ She had learned two positions
+ From family physicians,
+And ten more from the old parish priest.
+%
+A romantic attraction has clung
+To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
+ "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
+ That lascivious beast
+Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
+%
+A sailor who slept in the sun,
+Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
+ He remarked with a smile,
+ "Good grief, a sun-dial!
+And now it's a quarter-past one."
+%
+A savvy young hooker named Gail
+Got busted and lodged in the jail.
+ But the jailer got hot,
+ To be lodged in her twat,
+And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
+%
+A scandal involving an oyster
+Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
+ She preferred it, in bed,
+ To the count (so she said)
+'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
+%
+A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
+Resounded for miles upon miles.
+ Said the friar, "Good gracious,
+ The brother Ignatious
+Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
+%
+A seafaring hacker named Slatey
+Went to bed with a VAX/780.
+ The thing's learned to swear
+ With a nautical air,
+And refers to its users as "matey".
+%
+A sex-loving coed named Bree
+Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
+ The joystick, she found,
+ Had been fooling around
+With a neighboring student's PC.
+%
+A silly young man from Hong Kong
+Had hands that were skinny and long.
+ He ate rice with his fingers--
+ The taste of it lingers,
+But now all his fingers are gone.
+%
+A slick talking pirate named Bruce
+To steal code, had a plan to seduce
+ An Apple II+.
+ Now Bruce wears a truss
+And was jailed for computer abuse.
+%
+A software technician from Digital
+Had hardware extremely prodigical.
+ It's rumoured, I hear,
+ That when he was near
+He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
+%
+A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
+Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
+ She started to pout,
+ Because it fell out,
+But the mission was saved by re-entry.
+%
+A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
+His moment of sexual truth.
+ He'd expected to fall
+ On a womb's spongy wall
+But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
+%
+A spinster in Kalamazoo
+Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
+ She was seized by the nape,
+ And fucked by an ape,
+And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
+
+And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
+But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
+ A man with a prick
+ Half as stiff and as thick
+As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
+%
+A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
+Used to toss off each night while in bed.
+ Said his mother, "Dear lad,
+ That's exceedingly bad--
+Jump in here with your mama instead."
+%
+A starship commander named Kirk
+Emerged from his cabin berserk.
+ He grabbed a girl yeoman
+ Beneath the abdomen,
+And gave her a physical jerk.
+%
+A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
+Was having a captive, a person
+ Who was not averse
+ Though she had the curse,
+And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
+%
+A structured programmer named Drew
+Was intensely turned on by "goto".
+ When he saw it in code
+ He'd shoot off his load.
+It's a good thing his shop used so few.
+%
+A studious professor named Nestor
+Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
+ But she drained out his balls
+ And skipped up the walls,
+Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
+%
+A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
+Went down on her beau in the garden.
+ He said, "Good lord, Tess,
+ Don't swallow that mess!"
+And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
+%
+A systems programmer named Sprotic
+Found his software intensely erotic.
+ In jealous distress
+ He wiped his OS.
+It's possible that he's psychotic.
+%
+A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
+Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
+ While the man detumesced
+ She still spent on with zest,
+Her rapture sheer anachronism.
+%
+A team playing baseball in Dallas
+Called the umpire blind out of malice.
+ While this worthy had fits
+ The team made eight hits
+And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
+%
+A teenage protester named Lil
+Cried, "Those Watergate spies make me ill
+ First they bugged our martinis,
+ Our bras and bikinis,
+And now they are bugging the pill."
+%
+A thrice-married gal from L.A.
+Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
+ 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
+ The voyeur only gawked at it,
+And my most recent man's a gourmet."
+%
+A tidy young lady of Streator
+Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
+ She always would say,
+ "I prefer it this way.
+I think it is very much neater."
+%
+A timid young woman named Jane
+Found parties a terrible strain;
+ With movements uncertain
+ She'd hide in a curtain
+And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A tired young trollop of Nome
+Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
+ Eight miners came screwing,
+ But she said, "Nothing doing;
+One of you has to go home!"
+%
+A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
+Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
+ The result of this fuck
+ Was a three titted duck,
+A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
+%
+A tutor who tooted a flute
+Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
+ Said the two to the tutor:
+ "Is it harder to toot or
+To tutor two tutors to toot"
+%
+A vengeful technician named Schmitz
+Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
+ He covered the platter
+ With bats' fecal matter.
+Now it's seek time is really the pits.
+%
+A very intelligent turtle
+Found programming UNIX a hurdle
+ The system, you see,
+ Ran as slow as did he,
+And that's not saying much for the turtle.
+%
+A very odd pair are the Pitts:
+His balls are as large as her tits,
+ Her tits are as large
+ As an invasion barge--
+Neither knows how the other cohabits.
+%
+A wanton young lady from Wimley
+Reproached for not acting quite primly
+ Said, "Heavens above!
+ I know sex isn't love,
+But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
+%
+A water pipe suited Miss Hunt;
+She used it for many a bunt.
+ But the unlucky wench
+ Got it caught in her trench ---
+It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
+To get the thing out of her cunt.
+%
+A weary old lecher named Blott
+Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
+ Too lazy to rape her,
+ He made darts out of paper,
+Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
+%
+A whimsical fellow named Bloch
+Could beat the base drum with his cock.
+ With a special erection
+ He could play a selection
+From Johann Sebastian Bach.
+%
+A wicked stone cutter named Cary
+Drilled holes in divine statuary.
+ With eyes full of malice
+ He pulled out his phallus,
+And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
+%
+A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
+Had a hole as big as a basket.
+ A spot, as a bride,
+ In it now, you could hide,
+And include with your luggage your mascot.
+%
+A widow whose singular vice
+Was to keep her late husband on ice
+ Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
+ I'll never defrost him!
+Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
+%
+A wonderful bird is the pelican.
+His mouth can hold more than his belican.
+ He can take in his beak
+ Enough food for a week.
+I'm darned if I know how the helican.
+%
+A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
+Renowned for the length of their peenies.
+ The hair on their balls
+ Sweeps the floors of their halls,
+But they don't look at women, the meanies.
+%
+A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
+Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
+ But when everything's cleared,
+ He gives way to the weird,
+As he lovingly busses each table.
+%
+A worn-out young husband named Lehr
+Heard daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
+ "Slip on a sheath, quick,
+ Then slip your big dick
+Between these lips covered with hair."
+%
+A worried young man from Stamboul
+Discovered red spots on his tool.
+ Said the doctor, a cynic,
+ "Get out of my clinic
+Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."
+%
+A young bride and groom of Australia
+Remarked as they joined genitalia:
+ "Though the system seems odd,
+ We are thankful that God
+Developed the genus Mammalia."
+%
+A young fellow discovered through Freud
+That although of penis devoid,
+ He could practice coitus
+ By eating a foetus,
+And his parents were quite overjoyed.
+%
+A young Juliet of St. Louis
+On a balcony stood acting screwy.
+ Her Romeo climbed,
+ But he wasn't well timed,
+And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
+%
+A young lad named Lester McGraw
+Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
+ As he watched him stick her
+ He said, with a snicker,
+"You do it much faster than Paw."
+%
+A young lady sat by the sea,
+Just as proper as proper could be.
+ A young fellow goosed her,
+ And roughly seduced her,
+So she thanked him and went home to tea.
+%
+A young lady who lived by the Usk
+Subsisted each day on a rusk;
+ She ate the first bite
+ Before it was light,
+And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A young lass got married at Chester;
+Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
+ Said she, "You're in luck --
+ 'E's a stunning good fuck,
+For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
+%
+A young maiden from France was no prude,
+She decided to dive in the nude,
+ But her buddy, behind,
+ Went out of his mind,
+When he noticed where she was tattooed.
+%
+A young man by a girl was desired
+To give her the thrills she required,
+ But he died of old age
+ Ere his cock could assuage
+The volcanic desire it inspired.
+%
+A young man from the banks of the Po
+Found his cock had elongated so,
+ That when he'd pee
+ It was never he
+But only his neighbors who'd know.
+%
+A young man grew increasingly peaky
+In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
+ The ferns curled up brown,
+ The ceilings flaked down,
+And all of the faucets were leaky.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A young man maintained that his trigger
+Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
+ But this long and thick pud
+ Was so heavy it could
+Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
+%
+A young man of acumen and daring,
+Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
+ Was left quite alone
+ When it soon became known
+That their use at his board was unsparing.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
+While bent over plucking a dingle
+ Had the whole of Eisteddfod
+ Taking turns at his pod
+While they sang some impossible jingle.
+%
+A young man with passions quite gingery
+Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
+ He slapped her behind
+ And made up his mind
+To add incest to insult and injury.
+%
+A young polo-player of Berkeley
+Made love to his sweetheart berserkly.
+ In the midst of each chukker
+ He would break off and fuck her
+Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
+%
+A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
+Preferred frigging to going to mass.
+ Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
+ Or any young cock,
+For I cannot live up to your ass."
+%
+A young woman got married at Chester,
+Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
+ Says she, "You're in luck,
+ He's a stunning good fuck,
+For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
+%
+According to experts, the oyster
+In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
+ May frequently be
+ Either he or a she
+Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
+%
+Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
+Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
+ Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
+ When he parted her thighs;
+"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
+%
+All the female apes ran from King Kong
+For his dong was unspeakably long.
+ But a friendly giraffe
+ Quaffed his yard and a half,
+And ecstatically burst into song.
+%
+An aesthete from South Carolina
+Had a cock that tickled like China,
+ But while shooting his load
+ It cracked like old Spode,
+So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
+%
+An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
+Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
+ She will use her bare fist
+ If the fellows insist
+But she really prefers to wear gloves.
+%
+An AI researcher named Bluth
+Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
+ Eroticon VI,
+ Which he taught certain tricks
+Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
+%
+An amazon giantess named Dunne
+Let a midget screw her for fun.
+ But the poor little runt
+ Was engulfed in her cunt
+And re-born as the twin of his son.
+%
+An ambitious lady named Harriet
+Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
+ By seventeen sailors
+ A monk and three tailors,
+Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
+%
+An anonymous woman we knew
+Was dozing one day in her pew;
+ When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
+ She said, "Count me in
+As soon as the service is through."
+%
+An architect fellow named Yoric
+Could, when feeling euphoric,
+ Display for selection
+ Three kinds of erection-
+Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
+%
+An ardent young man named Magruder
+Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
+ She thought it quite lewd
+ To be wooed in the nude,
+But Magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
+%
+An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
+Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
+ Women are fine
+ And sheep are divine
+But llamas are numero uno."
+%
+An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
+Had a fetish involving the net.
+ As he fondled his IMP
+ His cock went from limp
+To as hard as concrete which has set.
+%
+An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
+Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
+ She was finally the prize
+ Of a man twice her size
+And all she recalls is the ache.
+%
+An artist who lived in Australia
+Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
+ The drawing was fine,
+ The colour - divine,
+The scent - ah, that was a failia.
+%
+An eager young hacker named Gus
+Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
+ The hardware went bad,
+ But not the young lad
+(Except for the toupee and truss).
+%
+An earnest young woman in Thrace
+Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
+ So he gave her a thwack,
+ And did on her back,
+What he couldn't have done face to face.
+%
+An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
+Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
+ Used on Saturday nights
+ To turn down the lights,
+And chase them around with a bludgeon.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+An envious girl named McMeanus
+Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
+ It was small consolation
+ That the rest of the nation
+Of women were with her in weeness.
+%
+An exotic young lady named Suki
+Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
+ When asked for a fuck
+ She said, "Solly, no luck--
+See here: looky looky, no nuki "
+%
+An impish young fellow named James
+Had a passion for idiot games.
+ He lighted the hair
+ Of his lady's affair
+And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
+%
+An impotent Scot named MacDougall
+Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
+ He was gathering semen
+ To gender a he-man,
+By screwing his wife through a bugle.
+%
+An incautious young woman named Venn
+Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
+ She vanished one day,
+ But the following May
+Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+An indefatigable woman named Bavel
+Had often occasion to travel;
+ On the way she would sit
+ And furiously knit,
+And on the way back she'd unravel.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+An ingenious young man in South Bend
+Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
+ But the friend shortly found
+ Its construction unsound,
+It was simply a bother -- no end.
+%
+An innocent maiden named Herridge
+Was cruelly tricked into marriage;
+ When she later found out
+ What her spouse was about,
+She threw herself under a carriage.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+An inquisitive virgin named Dora
+Asked the man who started to bore 'er:
+ "Do you mean birds and bees
+ Go through antics like these,
+To supply us our fauna and flora?"
+%
+An irate young lady named Booker
+Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
+ If you want it queer ways,
+ Go to whores for your lays!"
+So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
+%
+An octagenerian Jew
+To his wife remained steadfastly true.
+ This was not from compunction,
+ But due to dysfunction
+Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
+%
+An old couple just at Shrovetide
+Were having a piece -- when he died.
+ The wife for a week
+ Sat tight on his peak,
+And bounced up and down as she cried.
+%
+An old electronic designer
+Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
+ He couldn't carry them out
+ For his prick was too stout,
+And too small was the minor's vagina.
+%
+An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
+Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
+ But he was not removed
+ Till one day it was proved
+That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+An old maid who had a pet ape
+Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
+ His red, hairy phallus
+ So filled her with malice
+That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
+%
+An old man at the Folies Bergere
+Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
+ It snipped off a twat-curl
+ From each new chorus girl,
+And he had a wig made of the hair.
+%
+An organist playing in York
+Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
+ And between obbligatos
+ He'd munch at tomatoes,
+To keep up his strength while at work.
+%
+An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
+Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
+ Her climatic fame spread
+ With an ad blitz that said:
+Coming soon at a theater near you!
+%
+An uptight young lady named Breerley
+Who valued her morals too dearly
+ Had sex, so I hear,
+ Only once every year,
+And she strained her vagina severely.
+%
+And then there's the story that's fraught
+With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
+ When a chap took a crap
+ In the woods, and a trap
+Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
+%
+As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
+Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
+ Since he thinks it's effete
+ To be beating his meat,
+What he's into is licking his chops.
+%
+As he came in his chubby choirboy,
+Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
+ If no sodomy levens
+ And possible heavens,
+Existence will merely annoy."
+%
+As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks,
+Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
+ I could not bear the loss,
+ For with scarlet silk floss
+My mama has embroidered their clocks."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+As tourists inspected the apse
+An ominous series of raps
+ Came from under the altar,
+ Which caused some to falter
+And others to shriek and collapse.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
+"Do I sin if I do what I want, if
+ I screw a young nun
+ In the eastertide sun?"
+His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
+%
+At a contest for farting in Butte
+One lady's exertion was cute:
+ It won the diploma
+ For fetid aroma,
+And three judges were felled by the brute.
+%
+At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
+Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
+ Letting all comers press
+ Through the skirt of her dress
+And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
+%
+At the end of all civilization
+Is the planet Terminus's location.
+ There's a girl there whose feat,
+ Without stone or concrete,
+Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
+%
+At the moment Japan declared war
+A sailor was fucking a whore.
+ He said, "After this poke
+ `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
+This means months 'til I get back ashore."
+%
+At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
+Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
+ It beats all night long
+ A dirge on a gong
+As it staggers about in the creepers.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
+Though of love we are never penurious.
+ Thanks to vulcanized aids,
+ Though we may die old maids,
+At least we shall never die curious.
+%
+At whist drives and strawberry teas
+Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
+ But when she was alone
+ She'd drink eau de cologne,
+And weep from a sense of unease.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+Augustus, for splashing his soup,
+Was put for the night on the stoop;
+ In the morning he'd not
+ Repented a jot,
+And next day he was dead of the croup.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+Back in the days of old Adam
+The grass served as mattress for madam,
+ And they spent the whole day
+ On the sex that today
+They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
+%
+Each Friday his engines abort,
+But Scotty is never caught short.
+ He fills his machines
+ With space-navy beans,
+And farts the ship back into port.
+%
+Each night Father fills me with dread
+When he sits on the foot of my bed;
+ I'd not mind that he speaks
+ In gibbers and squeaks,
+But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
+Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
+ Said the rector, "My gracious,
+ Has Father Ignatius
+Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
+%
+From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
+There is really abominable news;
+ They've discovered a head
+ In the box for the bread,
+But nobody seems to know whose.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+From the bathing machine came a din
+As of jollification within;
+ It was heard far and wide,
+ And the incoming tide
+Had a definite flavour of gin.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+"Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
+Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
+ "Since dating Miss Baugh,
+ My whole tongue has been raw--
+It must have been something I ate."
+%
+In the case of a lady named Frost,
+Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
+ It's the best part of valor
+ To bugger the gal, or
+You're apt to fall in and get lost.
+%
+In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
+Complacently stroking his madam,
+ And loud was his mirth
+ For on all of the earth
+There were only two balls -- and he had 'em.
+%
+It always delights me at Hank's
+To walk up the old river banks.
+ One time in the grass
+ I stepped on an ass,
+And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
+%
+It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
+Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
+ They sat in her Bentley,
+ She fondled him gently,
+And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
+%
+The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
+No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
+ Where ten thousand virgins
+ Succumbed to his urgin's
+There now stands the great State of Utah.
+%
+The latest reports from Good Hope
+State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
+ And fuck high, wide, and free,
+ From the top of one tree
+To the top of the next -- what a scope!
+%
+The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
+Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
+ Once Congress in session,
+ Declared its suppression,
+But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
+%
+The limerick is furtive and mean;
+You must keep her in close quarantine,
+ Or she sneaks to the slums
+ And promptly becomes
+Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
+ -- Morris Bishop
+%
+The old archeologist, Throstle,
+Discovered a marvelous fossil.
+ He knew from its bend
+ And the knot on the end,
+T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle.
+%
+There once was a bishop from Birmingham
+Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
+ As they knelt on the hassock
+ He lifted his cassock
+And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
+%
+There once was a boy named Carruthers
+Who was busily fucking his mother
+ "I know it's a sin,"
+ He said, shoving it in,
+"But it's better than blowing my brother."
+%
+There once was a chick named Longet,
+Who went out to Aspen to play.
+ Along came a Spyder,
+ Who sat down beside her
+And she blew the poor bastard away.
+%
+There once was a clergyman's daughter
+Who detested the pony he bought her,
+ Till she found that its dong
+ Was as hard and as long
+As the prayers her father had taught her.
+
+She married a fellow named Tony
+Who soon found her fucking the pony.
+ Said he, "What's it got,
+ My dear, that I've not?"
+Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
+%
+There once was a couple named Kelley,
+Who lived their life belly to belly.
+ Because in their haste
+ They used library paste,
+Instead of petroleum jelly.
+%
+There once was a dentist named Stone
+Who saw all his patients alone.
+ In a fit of depravity
+ He filled the wrong cavity,
+And my, how his practice has grown!
+%
+There once was a Duchess of Beever
+Who slept with her golden retriever.
+ Said the potted old Duke:
+ "Such tricks make me puke!
+Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
+%
+There once was a Duchess of Bruges
+Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
+ Said the king to this dame
+ As he thunderously came:
+"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
+%
+There once was a fag of Khartoum
+Who spent the night in a Lesbian's room.
+ They argued all night,
+ Over who had the right,
+To do what, and with which, and to whom.
+%
+There once was a fairy named Avers
+Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
+ Though buggers all claimed
+ That their asses were maimed,
+Sixty-niners all cheered the new flavors.
+%
+There once was a fellow named Bob
+Who in sexual ways was a snob.
+ One day he was swimmin'
+ With twelve naked women
+And deserted them all for a gob.
+%
+There once was a fellow named Brewster
+Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
+ "It used to be grand
+ But look at my hand
+You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
+%
+There once was a fellow named Howard,
+Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
+ While grabbing some ass,
+ He reached critical mass,
+But think of the girl he deflowered!
+%
+There once was a fellow named Potts
+Who was prone to having the trots
+ But his humble abode
+ Was without a commode
+So his carpet was covered with spots.
+%
+There once was a fellow named Siegel
+Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
+ But the mettlesome bitch
+ Turned and said with a twitch,
+"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
+%
+There once was a fencer named Fisk,
+Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
+ So fast was his action,
+ The Fitzgerald contraction,
+Foreshortened his foil to a disk.
+%
+There once was a fiesty young terrier
+Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
+ He'd yip and he'd yap,
+ Then leap up and snap;
+And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
+%
+There once was a floozie named Annie
+Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
+ A buck for a fuck,
+ Fifty cents for a suck,
+And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
+%
+There once was a freshman named Lin,
+Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
+ A virgin named Joan
+ From a bible belt home,
+Said "This won't be much of a sin."
+%
+There once was a gangster named Brown
+- the sneakiest bastard in town.
+ He was caught by G-men
+ Shooting his semen
+Where the cops would slip and fall down.
+%
+There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
+Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
+ Sheep are just fine,
+ Chickens, divine,
+But iguanas are Numero Uno."
+%
+There once was a gay young Parisian
+Who screwed an appendix incision,
+ And the girl of his choice
+ Could hardly rejoice
+At the horrible lack of precision.
+%
+There once was a girl from Cornell
+Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
+ When you touched them they shrunk,
+ Except when she was drunk,
+And then they got bigger than hell.
+%
+There once was a girl from Decatur,
+Who got laid by a big alligator.
+ Now nobody knew
+ The result of that screw,
+'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
+%
+There once was a girl from Madras
+Who had such a beautiful ass -
+ It was not round and pink
+ (As you bastards think)
+But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
+%
+There once was a girl from Spokane,
+Went to bed with a one-legged man.
+ She said, "I know you--
+ You've really got two!
+Why didn't you say so when we began?"
+%
+There once was a girl named Irene
+Who lived on distilled kerosene
+ But she started absorbin'
+ A new hydrocarbon
+And since then has never benzene.
+%
+There once was a girl named Louise
+Who cunt hair hung down to her knees
+ The crabs in her twat
+ Tied the hairs in a knot
+And constructed a flying trapeze
+%
+There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
+Who was diddled amazingly often.
+ She was rogered by scores
+ Who'd been turned down by whores,
+And was finally screwed in her coffin.
+%
+There once was a girl named Priscilla
+Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
+ The taste was so fine
+ Man and beast stood in line
+(Including a stud armadilla).
+%
+There once was a girl so lovely,
+Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
+ She strapped on her tanks,
+ And started her pranks,
+But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
+%
+There once was a golfer named Leer,
+Who got put in the clink for a year,
+ For an action obscene,
+ On the very first green.
+Where the sign said "Enter course here."
+%
+There once was a gouty old colonel
+Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
+ And he cried in his tiffin
+ For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
+And the size of the thing was infernal.
+%
+There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
+Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
+ But when I meet boys,
+ God! how I enjoys
+Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
+%
+There once was a hacker named Ken
+Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
+ So he built him some chicks,
+ Of silicon chips,
+And hasn't been heard from since then.
+%
+There once was a handsome young seaman
+Who with ladies was really a demon.
+ In peace or in war,
+ At sea or on shore,
+He could certainly dish out the semen.
+%
+There once was a horny old bitch
+With a motorized self-frigger which
+ She would use with delight
+ All day long and all night -
+Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
+%
+There once was a horse named Lily
+Whose dingus was really a dilly.
+ It was vaginoid duply,
+ And labial quadruply --
+In fact, he was really a filly.
+%
+There once was a husky young Viking
+Whose sexual prowess was striking.
+ Every time he got hot
+ He would scour the twat
+Of some girl that might be to his liking.
+%
+There once was a jolly old bloke
+Who picked up a girl for a poke.
+ He took down her pants,
+ Fucked her into a trance,
+And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
+%
+There once was a kiddie named Carr
+Caught a man on top of his mar.
+ As he saw him stick 'er,
+ He said with a snicker,
+"You do it much faster than par."
+%
+There once was a lady from Kansas
+Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
+ It was nine inches deep
+ And the sides were quite steep --
+It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
+%
+There once was a lady named Carter,
+Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
+ She stripped off his pants,
+ At his prick quickly glanced,
+And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
+%
+There once was a lady named Clair,
+Who possessed a magnificent pair.
+ Or that's what I thought,
+ Till I saw one get caught,
+On a thorn and begin losing air.
+%
+There once was a lady named Myrtle
+Who had an affair with a turtle.
+ She had crabs, so they say,
+ In a year and a day
+Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
+%
+There once was a lawyer named Rex
+With minuscule organs of sex.
+ Arraigned for exposure,
+ He maintained with composure,
+"De minimis non curat lex."
+
+ [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
+%
+There once was a lifeguard named Lee
+Who rescued a girl from the sea
+ She asked how to pay,
+ And he said "Try this way,
+Go down for the third time on me."
+%
+There once was a maid from Mobile
+Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
+ She only got thrills
+ From pneumatic drills
+And an off-centered emery wheel.
+%
+There once was a man from Bombay
+He would do it all night and all day
+ He soon became sore
+ You shoulda' heard him roar
+When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
+%
+There once was a man from Calcutta
+Who used to beat off in the gutta
+ The heat of the sun
+ Affected his gun
+And turned all his cream into butta!
+%
+There once was a man from Dunoon,
+Who always ate soup with a fork.
+ He said "When I eat
+ Either fish, foul or flesh,
+I otherwise finish too quick."
+%
+There once was a man from Nantucket
+Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
+ His daughter, named Nan,
+ Ran away with a man,
+And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
+
+The pair of them went to Manhasset,
+(Nan and the man with the asset.)
+ Pa followed them there,
+ But they left in a tear,
+And as for the asset, Manhasset.
+
+Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
+(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
+ Pa said to the man,
+ "You're welcome to Nan."
+But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
+%
+There once was a man from Racine,
+Who invented a screwing machine.
+ Both concave and convex,
+ It could please either sex,
+But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
+%
+There once was a man from Sandem
+Who was making his girl on a tandem.
+ At the peak of the make
+ She jammed on the brake
+And scattered his semen at random.
+%
+There once was a man from Sydney
+Who could put it up to her kidney.
+ But the man from Quebec
+ Put it up to her neck;
+He had a big one, now didn't he?
+%
+There once was a man named McGruder,
+Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
+ But the girl thought it crude,
+ To be wooed in the nude,
+So McGru took an oar and subduder.
+%
+There once was a man named McSweeny
+Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney.
+ So just to be couth,
+ He added vermouth,
+And slipped his best girl a martini.
+%
+There once was a man named Parridge
+With peculiar views on marriage.
+ He sucked off his brother,
+ Fucked his own mother,
+And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
+%
+There once was a man with a hernia
+Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
+ When you work on my middle
+ Be sure you don't fiddle
+With things that do not concern ya."
+%
+There once was a member of Mensa
+Who was a most excellent fencer.
+ The sword that he used
+ Was his -- (line is refused,
+And has now been removed by the censor).
+%
+There once was a miner named Dave,
+Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
+ She was ugly as shit,
+ And missing one tit,
+But think of the money he saves.
+%
+There once was a monk of Camyre
+Who was seized with a carnal desire
+ And the primary cause
+ Was the abbess's drawers
+Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
+%
+There once was a newspaper vendor,
+A person of dubious gender.
+ He would charge one-and-two
+ For permission to view
+His remarkable double pudenda.
+%
+There once was a plumber from Leigh
+Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
+ Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
+ I think someone's coming!"
+Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me."
+%
+There once was a pretty young Mrs.
+Whose tearful but short story thrs.
+ Her mind lost its grasp -
+ Now she thinks she's an asp
+And just sits in the corner and hrs.
+%
+There once was a queen of Bulgaria
+Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
+ Till a prince from Peru
+ Who came up for a screw
+Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
+%
+There once was a reverend at Kings
+Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
+ But his heart was on fire
+ For a boy in the choir
+Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
+%
+There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
+Who said, "They can all go to hell!
+ What they do to my wife --
+ Why it ruins my life;
+And the worst is they all do it well."
+%
+There once was a sailor named Gasted,
+A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
+ He could jerk himself off
+ In a basket, aloft,
+Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
+%
+There once was a Scot named McAmeter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+ But it wasn't the size
+ That caused such surprise;
+'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
+%
+There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
+Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
+ Yet the girls he would dazzle,
+ And fuck to a frazzle,
+And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
+%
+There once was a spaceman named Spock
+Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
+ A girl from Missouri
+ Whose name was Uhura
+Just fainted away from the shock.
+%
+There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
+Discovered his sex life was hapless:
+ The more he would screw
+ The more he'd want to,
+And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
+%
+There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
+Whose gender was kept in the dark.
+ He/she/it said with a nod,
+ "My ancestors were odd!"
+Did Noah need two for the ark?
+%
+There once was a whore from Regina
+Who had a stupendous vagina.
+ To save herself time,
+ She had six at a time,
+And another one working behind her.
+%
+There once was a woman from Arden
+Who sucked off a man in a garden.
+ He said, "My dear Flo,
+ Where does all that stuff go?"
+And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
+%
+There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
+Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
+ But he lurked in the ditches
+ And diddled the bitches
+Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
+%
+There once was a young girl from Natches
+Who chanced to be born with two snatches
+ She often said, "Shit!
+ I'd give either tit
+For a guy with equipment that matches."
+%
+There once was a young man from Boston
+Who drove around town in an Austin,
+ There was room for his ass,
+ And a gallon of gas,
+So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
+%
+There once was a young man from France
+Who waited ten years for his chance;
+Then he muffed it...
+%
+There once was a young man from Yuma
+Who attempted sex with a puma
+ He gave up real quick
+ Minus nose, toes, and prick
+In obvious pain and ill huma.
+%
+There once was a young man from Yuma,
+Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
+ Now his dry bleached bones lie,
+ Under hot Asian skies,
+'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
+%
+There once was a young man named Clyde
+Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
+ He had a twin brother
+ Who fell in another
+And now they're interred side by side.
+%
+There once was a young man named Lancelot
+Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
+ For when he should pass
+ A desirable lass
+The front of his pants would advance a lot.
+%
+There once was an Arpanet freak,
+Who better response-time did seek.
+ He searched coast to coast,
+ For a reliable host,
+Whose logger took less than a week.
+%
+There once was an old man from Esser,
+Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
+ It at last grew so small,
+ He knew nothing at all,
+And now he's a College Professor.
+%
+There once were two brothers named Luntz
+Who buggered each other at once.
+ When asked to account
+ For this intricate mount,
+They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
+%
+There was a bluestocking in Florence
+Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
+ Till a Spanish grandee,
+ Got her off with his knee,
+And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
+%
+There was a family named Doe,
+An ideal family to know.
+ As father screwed mother,
+ She said, "You're heavier than brother."
+And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
+%
+There was a fat lady of China
+Who'd a really enormous vagina,
+ And when she was dead
+ They painted it red,
+And used it for docking a liner.
+%
+There was a fat man from Rangoon
+Whose prick was much like a balloon.
+ He tried hard to ride her
+ And when finally inside her
+She thought she was pregnant too soon.
+%
+There was a gay countess of Bray,
+And you may think it odd when I say,
+ That in spite of high station,
+ Rank and education,
+She always spelled cunt with a "k."
+%
+There was a gay dog from Ontario
+Who fancied himself a Lothario.
+ At a wench's glance
+ He'd snatch off his pants
+And make for her Mons Venerio.
+%
+There was a gay parson of Norton
+Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
+ To make up for this loss,
+ He had balls like a horse,
+And never spent less than a quartern.
+%
+There was a gay parson of Tooting
+Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
+ Till he married a lass
+ With a face like my arse,
+And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
+%
+There was a lewd fellow named Duff
+Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
+ With his head in a whirl
+ He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
+I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
+%
+There was a man from Mich.
+Who used to wish and wich.
+ That spring would come
+ So he could bum
+Around and go out fich.
+%
+There was a pianist named Liszt
+Who played with one hand while he pissed,
+ But as he grew older
+ His technique grew bolder,
+And in concert jacked off with his fist.
+%
+There was a poor parson from Goring,
+Who made a small hole in his flooring,
+ Fur-lined it all round,
+ Then laid on the ground,
+And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
+%
+There was a strong man of Drumrig
+Who one day did seven times frig.
+ He buggered three sailors,
+ Four dogs and two tailors,
+And ended by fucking a pig.
+%
+There was a teenager named Donna
+Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
+ Two days out of three
+ She would shoot LSD,
+And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
+%
+There was a young belle of old Natchez
+Whose garments were always in patchez.
+ When comment arose
+ On the state of her clothes
+She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
+%
+There was a young blade from South Greece
+Whose bush did so greatly increase
+ That before he could shack
+ He must hunt needle in stack.
+'Twas as bad as being obese.
+%
+There was a young bride, a Canuck,
+Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
+ You say that I, maybe,
+ Can have my first baby--
+Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
+%
+There was a young bride of Antigua
+Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
+ Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
+ Why, you've only felt my twot,
+My legs and my arse and my figua!"
+%
+There was a young chap in Arabia
+Who courted a widow named Fabia.
+ "Yes, my tongue is as long
+ As the average man's dong,"
+He said, licking the lips of her labia.
+%
+There was a young cook with the art
+Of making a delicious tart
+ With a handful of shit,
+ Some snot and some spit,
+And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
+%
+There was a young curate whose brain
+Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
+ He lured a small child
+ To a copse dark and wild,
+Where he beat it to death with his cane.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young damsel named Baker
+Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
+ He yelled, "My God! what
+ Do you call this -- a twat?
+Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
+%
+There was a young dolly named Molly
+Who thought that to frig was a folly.
+ Said she, "Your pee-pee
+ Means nothing to me,
+But I'll do it just to be jolly."
+%
+There was a young fellow from Cal.,
+In bed with a passionate gal.
+ He leapt from the bed,
+ To the toilet he sped;
+Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
+%
+There was a young fellow from Florida
+Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
+ When they got into bed
+ He cried, "God strike me dead!
+This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
+%
+There was a young fellow from Leeds
+Who swallowed a package of seeds.
+ Great tufts of grass
+ Sprouted out of his ass
+And his balls were all covered with weeds.
+%
+There was a young fellow from Parma
+Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
+ Said the damsel demure,
+ "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
+But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
+%
+There was a young fellow name Tucker
+Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
+ Said, "Don't bow out your lips
+ Like an elephant's hips,
+The boys like it best when they pucker."
+%
+There was a young fellow named Ades
+Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
+ But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
+ And the knot holes in doors
+Were by no means exempt from his raids.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Babbitt
+Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
+ But a girl from Johore
+ Could do it twice more,
+Which was just enough extra to crab it.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bill,
+Who took an atomic pill,
+ His navel corroded,
+ His asshole exploded,
+And they found his nuts in Brazil.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Blaine,
+And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
+ She was ugly and smelly
+ With an awful pot-belly,
+But... well, they were caught in the rain.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bliss
+Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
+ For even with Venus
+ His recalcitrant penis
+Would never do better than t
+ h
+ i
+ s
+ .
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bowen
+Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
+ It grew so tremendous,
+ So long and so pendulous,
+'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Brewer
+Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
+ Thus he, the poor soul,
+ Could get into her hole,
+And still not be able to screw her!
+%
+There was a young fellow named Case
+Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
+ He licked his way clean
+ Through Number thirteen,
+But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Charteris
+Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
+ Said she, "I don't mind,
+ And higher up you'll find
+The place where my fucker and farter is."
+%
+There was a young fellow named Cribbs
+Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
+ They were inches apart,
+ And to suck it took art,
+While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
+%
+There was a young fellow named dick
+Who had a magnificent prick.
+ It was shaped like a prism
+ And shot so much gism
+It made every cocksucker sick.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Feeney
+Whose girl was a terrible meany.
+ The hatch of her snatch
+ Had a catch that would latch
+- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
+Was reputed an infamous lecher.
+ When he'd take on a whore
+ She'd need a rebore,
+And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Fyfe
+Whose marriage was ruined for life,
+ For he had an aversion
+ To every perversion,
+And only liked fucking his wife.
+
+Well, one year the poor woman struck,
+And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
+ And said, "Where have you gotten us
+ With your goddamn monotonous
+Fuck after fuck after fuck?
+
+"I once knew a harlot named Lou --
+And a versatile girl she was, too.
+ After ten years of whoredom
+ She perished of boredom
+When she married a jackass like you!"
+%
+There was a young fellow named Gene
+Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
+ He next picked his toes,
+ And lastly his nose,
+And he never did wash in between.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Gluck
+Who found himself shit out of luck.
+ Though he petted and wooed,
+ When he tried to get screwed
+He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Goody
+Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
+ If he found himself nude
+ With a gal in the mood
+The question's not woody but could he?
+%
+There was a young fellow named Grant
+Who was made like the sensitive plant.
+ When they asked "Do you fuck?"
+ He replied, "No such luck.
+I would if I could, but I can't."
+%
+There was a young fellow named Grimes
+Who fucked his girl seventeen times
+ In the course of a week --
+ And this isn't to speak
+Of assorted venereal crimes.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Harry,
+Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
+ He grabbed him a virgin,
+ Who, without any urgin',
+Immediately spread like a fairy.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Hatch
+Who was fond of the music of Bach.
+ He said: "It's not fussy
+ Like Brahms and Debussy;
+Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
+%
+There was a young fellow named Kimble
+Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
+ But fragile and slender,
+ And dainty and tender,
+So he kept it encased in a thimble.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Meek
+Who invented a lingual technique.
+ It drove women frantic,
+ And made them romantic,
+And wore all the hair off his cheek.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Morgan
+Who possessed an unusual organ:
+ The end of his dong,
+ Which was nine inches long,
+Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Paul
+Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
+ But the size of my prick
+ Is God's dirtiest trick,
+For my girls always ask, `Is that all?'"
+%
+There was a young fellow named Pell
+Who didn't like cunt very well.
+ He would finger or fuck one,
+ But never would suck one--
+He just couldn't get used to the smell.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Price
+Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
+ He had virgins and boys
+ And mechanical toys,
+And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
+%
+There was a young fellow named Prynne
+Whose prick was so short and so thin,
+ His wife found she needed
+ A Fuckoscope -- she did --
+To see if he'd gotten it in.
+%
+There was a young fellow named Skinner
+Who took a young lady to dinner
+ At a quarter to nine,
+ They sat down to dine,
+At twenty to ten it was in her.
+The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
+
+There was a young fellow named Tupper
+Who took a young lady to supper.
+ At a quarter to nine,
+ They sat down to dine,
+And at twenty to ten it was up her.
+Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
+%
+There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
+Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
+ The hatch of her snatch,
+ Had a catch that would latch,
+She could only be screwed by Houdini.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Burma
+Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
+ But now that he's married he's
+ Been using cantharides
+And the root of their love is much firmer.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Greenwich
+Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
+ He had such a tool
+ It was wound on a spool,
+And he reeled it out inich by inich.
+
+But this tale has an unhappy finich,
+For due to the sand in the spinach
+ His ballocks grew rough
+ And wrecked his wife's muff,
+And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Harrow
+Whose john was the size of a marrow.
+ He said to his tart,
+ "How's this for a start?
+My balls are outside in a barrow."
+%
+There was a young fellow of Kent
+Whose prick was so long that it bent,
+ So to save himself trouble
+ He put it in double,
+And instead of coming he went.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Mayence
+Who fucked his own arse in defiance
+ Not only of custom
+ And morals, dad-bust him,
+But of most of the known laws of science.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Perth
+Whose balls were the finest on earth.
+ They grew to such size
+ That one won a prize,
+And goodness knows what they were worth.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Strensall
+Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
+ On the night of his wedding
+ It went through the bedding,
+And shattered the chamber utensil.
+%
+There was a young fellow of Warwick
+Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
+ For he could by election
+ Have triune erection:
+Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
+%
+There was a young fellow whose dong
+Was prodigiously massive and long.
+ On each side of his whang
+ Two testes did hang
+That attracted a curious throng.
+%
+There was a young German named Ringer
+Who was screwing an opera singer.
+ Said he with a grin,
+ "Well, I've sure got it in!"
+Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
+%
+There was a young girl from Annista
+Who dated a lecherous mister.
+ He fondled her titty,
+ Got one finger shitty,
+Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
+%
+There was a young girl from Decatur
+Who was raped by an alligator.
+ But no one quite knew
+ How she relished that screw,
+For after he screwed her, he ate her.
+%
+There was a young girl from Dundee,
+From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
+ No one ate the nice fruit,
+ To tell you the truth,
+Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
+%
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Who said, "You are utterly wrong
+ To say my vagina
+ Is the largest in China
+Just because of your mean little dong."
+%
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Whose cervical cap was a gong.
+ She said with a yell,
+ As a shot rang her bell,
+"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
+%
+There was a young girl from Medina
+Who could completely control her vagina.
+ She could twist it around
+ Like the cunts that are found
+In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
+%
+There was a young girl from New York
+Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
+ A woodpecker or two
+ Made the grade it is true,
+But it totally baffled the stork.
+
+Till along came a man who presented
+A tool that was strangely indented.
+ With a dizzying twirl
+ He punctured that girl,
+And thus was the cork-screw invented.
+%
+There was a young girl from Peru,
+Who had nothing whatever to do.
+ So she sat on the stairs,
+ And counted cunt hairs,
+Four thousand, three hundred and two.
+%
+There was a young girl from Peru,
+Who noticed her lovers were few;
+ So she walked out her door
+ With a fig leaf, no more,
+And now she's in bed - with the flu.
+%
+There was a young girl from Samoa
+Who pledged that no man would know her.
+ One young fellow tried,
+ But she wriggled aside,
+And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
+%
+There was a young girl from Seattle,
+Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
+ But a bull from the South
+ Shot a wad in her mouth
+That made both her ovaries rattle.
+%
+There was a young girl from Siam
+Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
+ "To seduce me, of course,
+ You'll have to use force,
+And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
+%
+There was a young girl from St. Cyr
+Whose reflex reactions were queer.
+ Her escort said, "Mable,
+ Get up off the table;
+That money's to pay for the beer."
+%
+There was a young girl from St. Paul
+Who went to a newspaper ball.
+ Her dress caught on fire
+ And burnt her entire
+Front page and sport section and all.
+%
+There was a young girl from the Bronix
+Who had a vagina of onyx.
+ She had so much `tsoris'
+ With her clitoris,
+She traded it in for a Packard.
+%
+There was a young girl from the coast
+Who, just when she needed it most,
+ Lost her Kotex and bled
+ All over the bed,
+And the head and the beard of her host.
+%
+There was a young girl in Berlin
+Who eked out a living through sin.
+ She didn't mind fucking,
+ But much preferred sucking,
+And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
+%
+There was a young girl in Berlin
+Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
+ Though he diddled his best,
+ And fucked her with zest,
+She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
+%
+There was a young girl in Dakota
+Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
+ "In addition to gas
+ We are rationing ass,
+And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
+%
+There was a young girl name McKnight
+Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
+ She came to in bed,
+ With a split maidenhead--
+That's the last time she ever was tight.
+%
+There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
+Who swore that no man could surprise her.
+ But Pabst took a chance,
+ Found a Schlitz in her pants,
+And now she is sadder Budweiser.
+%
+There was a young girl named Heather
+Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
+ She made a queer noise,
+ Which attracted the boys,
+By flapping the edges together.
+%
+There was a young girl named McCall
+Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
+ But the size of her anus
+ Was something quite heinous --
+It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
+%
+There was a young girl named O'Clare
+Whose body was covered with hair.
+ It was really quite fun
+ To probe with one's gun,
+For her quimmy might be anywhere.
+%
+There was a young girl named O'Malley
+Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
+ She got roars of applause
+ When she kicked off her drawers,
+But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
+%
+There was a young girl named Sapphire
+Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
+ She said, "It's a sin,
+ But now that it's in,
+Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
+%
+There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
+Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
+ She tickled the balls
+ Of the men in the halls,
+And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
+%
+There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
+Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
+ The miller's sun, Jack,
+ Laid her flat on her back,
+And united the organs they pissed with.
+%
+There was a young girl of Angina
+Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
+ From the love-making frock
+ (With the proper sized cock)
+Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
+%
+There was a young girl of Asturias
+With a penchant for practices curious.
+ She loved to bat rocks
+ With her gentlemen's cocks --
+A practice both rude and injurious.
+%
+There was a young girl of Batonger
+who diddled herself with a conger,
+ When asked how it feels
+ To be pleasured by eels
+She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
+%
+There was a young girl of Cah'lina,
+Had a very capricious vagina:
+ To the shock of the fucker
+ "Twould suddenly pucker,
+And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
+%
+There was a young girl of Cape Cod
+Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
+ But it wasn't Jehovah
+ That turned the girl over,
+'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
+ the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
+%
+There was a young girl of Cape Town
+Who usually fucked with a clown.
+ He taught her the trick
+ Of sucking his prick,
+And when it went up -- she went down.
+%
+There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
+Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
+ She was fucked at the show
+ In the twenty-third row,
+And once more going home in the taxi.
+%
+There was a young girl of Darjeeling
+Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
+ There was never a sound
+ For miles around
+Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young girl of Des Moines
+Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
+ Till a guy from Hoboken
+ Went and dropped in a token,
+And now she rides free on the ferry.
+%
+There was a young girl of Detroit
+Who at fucking was very adroit:
+ She could squeeze her vagina
+ To a pin-point, or finer,
+Or open it out like a quoit.
+
+And she had a friend named Durand
+Whose cock could contract or expand.
+ He could diddle a midge
+ Or the arch of a bridge --
+Their performance together was grand!
+%
+There was a young girl of East Lynne
+Whose mother, to save her from sin,
+ Had filled up her crack,
+ To the brim with shellac,
+But the boys picked it out with a pin.
+%
+There was a young girl of Gibraltar
+Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
+ It really seems odd
+ That a virtuous God
+Should answer her prayers and assault her.
+%
+There was a young girl of LLewellyn
+Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
+ They were big it is true,
+ But her cunt was big too,
+Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
+Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
+%
+There was a young girl of Mobile,
+Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
+ To give her a thrill,
+ Took a rotary drill,
+Or a number nine emery wheel.
+%
+There was a young girl of Moline
+Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
+ She would work on a prick
+ With every known trick,
+And finish by winking it clean.
+%
+There was a young girl of Newcastle
+Whose charms were declared universal.
+ While one man in front
+ Wired into her cunt,
+Another was engaged at her arsehole.
+%
+There was a young girl of Pawtucket
+Whose box was as big as a bucket.
+ Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
+ I'll have to wear boots,
+For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
+%
+There was a young girl of Penzance
+Who boarded a bus in a trance.
+ The passengers fucked her,
+ Likewise the conductor,
+While the driver shot off in his pants.
+%
+There was a young girl of Pitlochry
+Who was had by a man in a rockery.
+ She said, "Oh! You've come
+ All over my bum;
+This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
+%
+There was a young girl of Rangoon
+Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
+ "Well, it has been great fun,"
+ She remarked when he'd done,
+"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
+%
+There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
+Whose people all thought her a virgin,
+ Till they found her in bed
+ With her twat very red,
+And the head of a kid just emergin'.
+%
+There was a young girl, very sweet,
+Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
+ When she sat on their lap
+ She unbuttoned their flap,
+And always had plenty to eat.
+%
+There was a young girl who begat
+Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
+ It was fun in the breeding,
+ But hell in the feeding,
+When she found there was no tit for Tat.
+%
+There was a young harlot from Kew
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+ She said with a grin,
+ "If they pay to get in,
+They'll pay to get out of it too."
+%
+There was a young harlot named Schwartz
+Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
+ And they tickled so nice
+ She drew a high price
+From the studs at the summer resorts.
+
+Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
+Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
+ For according to rumor
+ His tool had a tumor
+And a fine row of warts down the middle.
+%
+There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
+Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
+ The knob out in front
+ Attracted foul cunt
+Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
+%
+There was a young idler named Blood,
+Made a fortune performing at stud,
+ With a fifteen-inch peter,
+ A double-beat metre,
+And a load like the Biblical Flood.
+%
+There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
+Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
+ Perceiving his error,
+ The Rabbi in terror
+Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
+%
+There was a young lad from Siam,
+Whose sex life was caught in a jam.
+ He loved them real small,
+ 'Cause they're funner to ball,
+So he went out and bought him a lamb!
+%
+There was a young lad name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+ His father said, "Durcan!
+ Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
+%
+There was a young lad name of Ward
+Who strung himself up with a cord
+ Said he, of his work
+ (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
+"I am leaving because I am bored."
+ -- E. A. Guest
+%
+There was a young lad named McFee
+Who was stung in the balls by a bee
+ He made oodles of money
+ By oozing pure honey
+Every time he attempted to pee.
+%
+There was a young lady at sea
+Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
+ Said the brawny old mate,
+ "That accounts for the state
+Of the cook and the captain and me."
+%
+There was a young lady called Ciss
+Who went to the river to piss.
+ A young man in a punt
+ Put his hand on her cunt;
+No wonder she thought it was bliss.
+%
+There was a young lady from Bangor
+Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
+ She woke in dismay
+ When she heard the mate say:
+"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
+%
+There was a young lady from Bristol
+Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
+ Said she, "It's all glass,
+ And as round as my ass,"
+And she farted as loud as a pistol.
+%
+There was a young lady from Brussels
+Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
+ She could easily plex them
+ And so interflex them
+As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
+%
+There was a young lady from Drew
+Who ended her verse at line two.
+%
+There was a young lady from Dumfries
+Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
+ My navel's all bare,
+ So stick it in there,
+Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
+%
+There was a young lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+ One was even so brave
+ As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
+%
+There was a young lady from Hyde
+Who ate a green apple and died.
+ While her lover lamented
+ The apple fermented
+And made cider inside her inside.
+%
+There was a young lady from Maine
+Who claimed she had men on her brain.
+ But you knew from the view,
+ As her abdomen grew,
+It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
+%
+There was a young lady from Munich
+Who had an affair with a eunuch.
+ At the height of their passion
+ He dealt her a ration
+From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
+%
+There was a young lady from Norway
+Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
+ She told her young man,
+ "Get off the divan,
+I think I've discovered one more way"
+%
+There was a young lady from Prentice
+Who had an affair with a dentist.
+ To make things easier
+ He used anesthesia,
+And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
+%
+There was a young lady from Rheims
+Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
+ A friend poked around
+ And a fly-button found
+Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
+%
+There was a young lady from Rio
+Who slept with the Fornier trio.
+ As she dropped her panties
+ She said, "No andantes,
+I want this allegro con brio!"
+%
+There was a young lady from Siam
+Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
+ "You may kiss me of course,
+ But you'll have to use force.
+Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
+%
+There was a young lady from Spain
+Who demurely undressed on a train.
+ A helpful young porter
+ Helped more than he orter,
+And she promptly cried "Help me again"
+%
+There was a young lady from Spain
+Who got sick as she rode on a train;
+ Not once, but again,
+ And again, and again,
+And again, and again, and again.
+%
+There was a young lady from Spain
+Whose face was exceedingly plain,
+ But her cunt had a pucker
+ That made the men fuck her,
+Again, and again, and again.
+%
+There was a young lady from Troy
+Had a moustache, just like a young boy
+ Though it tickled to kiss
+ 'Twas a source of much bliss
+When she used it to brush a man's toy.
+%
+There was a young lady from Wheeling
+Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
+ But a cynic named Boris
+ Just touched her clitoris
+And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lady from Wheeling
+Who had a peculiar feeling.
+ She laid on her back
+ And tickled her crack
+And pissed all over the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lady from Wooster
+Who complained that too many men gooster.
+ So she traded her scanties
+ For sandpaper panties,
+Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
+%
+There was a young lady in Reno,
+Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
+ But she lay on her back,
+ And opened her crack,
+So now she owns the Casino!
+%
+There was a young lady named Alice
+Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
+ 'Twas the common belief
+ It was done for relief,
+And not out of protestant malice.
+%
+There was a young lady named Astor
+Who never let any get past her.
+ She finally got plenty
+ By stopping twenty,
+Which certainly ought to last her.
+%
+There was a young lady named Banker,
+Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
+ She woke in dismay,
+ When she heard the mate say,
+"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
+%
+There was a young lady named Blount
+Who had a rectangular cunt.
+ She learned for diversion
+ Posterior perversion,
+Since no one could fit here in front.
+%
+There was a young lady named Bower
+Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
+ But a poet from Perth
+ Laid her flat on the earth,
+And proceeded with penis to plough her.
+%
+There was a young lady named Brent
+With a cunt of enormous extent,
+ And so deep and so wide,
+ The acoustics inside
+Were so good you could hear when you spent.
+%
+There was a young lady named Bright
+Who could travel much faster than light.
+ She took off one day,
+ In a relative way,
+And returned on the previous night.
+%
+There was a young lady named Brook
+Who never could learn how to cook.
+ But on a divan
+ She could please any man-
+She knew every darn trick in the book!
+%
+There was a young lady named Cager
+Who, as the result of a wager,
+ Consented to fart
+ The entire oboe part
+Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
+%
+There was a young lady named Ciss
+Who said, "I think skating's a bliss"
+ But she'll never restate,
+ For a wheel off her skate
+.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
+%
+There was a young lady named Dot
+Whose cunt was so terribly hot
+ That ten bishops of Rome
+ And the Pope's private gnome
+Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
+%
+There was a young lady named Duff
+With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
+ In his haste to get in her
+ One eager beginner
+Lost both of his balls in the rough.
+%
+There was a young lady named Etta
+Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
+ Three reasons she had:
+ To keep warm wasn't bad,
+But the other two reasons were betta.
+%
+There was a young lady named Fleager
+Who was terribly, terribly eager
+ To be all the rage
+ On the tragedy stage,
+Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young lady named Flo
+Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
+ So they tried it all night,
+ Till he got it just right...
+Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
+%
+There was a young lady named Flynn
+Who thought fornication a sin,
+ But when she was tight
+ It seemed quite all right,
+So everyone filled her with gin.
+%
+There was a young lady named Gilda
+Who went on a date with a builder.
+ He said that he would,
+ And he could and he should,
+And he did and it damn well near killed her.
+%
+There was a young lady named Gloria,
+Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
+ She replied to the chap,
+ "I'll draw you a map,
+Of where others have been to before ya."
+%
+There was a young lady named Grace
+Who would not take a prick in her "place."
+ Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
+ She never would fuck it--
+She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
+%
+There was a young lady named Hall,
+Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
+ The dress caught on fire
+ And burned her entire
+Front page, sporting section, and all.
+%
+There was a young lady named Hatch
+Who would always come through in a scratch.
+ If a guy wouldn't neck her,
+ She'd grab up his pecker
+And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
+%
+There was a young lady named Mable
+Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
+ Then cry to her man,
+ "Stuff in all you can --
+Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
+%
+There was a young lady named Mandel
+Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
+ By coming out bare
+ On the main village square
+And frigging herself with a candle.
+%
+There was a young lady named Maud,
+A terrible society fraud:
+ In company, I'm told,
+ She was distant and cold,
+But if you got her alone, Oh God!
+%
+There was a young lady named May
+Who strolled in a park by the way,
+ And she met a young man
+ Who fucked her and ran --
+Now she goes to the park every day.
+%
+There was a young lady named Nance
+Who learned about fucking in France,
+ And when you'd insert it
+ She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
+And shoved it right back in your pants.
+%
+There was a young lady named Nelly
+Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
+ They could tickle her twat
+ Or be tied in a knot,
+And could even swat flies on her belly.
+%
+There was a young lady named Ransom
+Who was rogered three times in a hansom.
+ When she cried out for more
+ A voice from the floor
+Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson."
+%
+There was a young lady named Riddle
+Who had an untouchable middle.
+ She had many friends
+ Because of her ends,
+Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
+%
+There was a young lady named Rose
+Who fainted whenever she chose;
+ She did so one day
+ While playing croquet,
+But was quickly revived with a hose.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young lady named Rose
+With erogenous zones in her toes.
+ She remained onanistic
+ Till a foot-fetishistic
+Young man became one of her beaux.
+%
+There was a young lady named Schneider
+Who often kept trysts with a spider.
+ She found a strange bliss,
+ In the hiss of her piss,
+As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
+%
+There was a young lady named Smith
+Whose virtue was largely a myth.
+ She said, "Try as I can
+ I can't find a man
+Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
+%
+There was a young lady named Twiss
+Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
+ For it tickled her bum
+ And caused her to come
+.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
+%
+There was a young lady named Wylde
+Who kept herself quite undefiled
+ By thinking of Jesus;
+ Contagious diseases;
+And the bother of having a child.
+%
+There was a young lady of Arden,
+The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
+ Said she with a frown,
+ "I've been sadly let down
+By the tool of a fool in a garden."
+%
+There was a young lady of Bicester
+Who was nicer by far than her sister:
+ The sister would giggle
+ And wiggle and jiggle,
+But this one would come if you kissed her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Brabant
+Who slept with an impotent savant.
+ She admitted, "We shouldn't,
+ But it turned out he couldn't-
+So you can't say we have when we haven't."
+%
+There was a young lady of Bude
+Who walked down the street in the nude.
+ A bobby said, "Whattum
+ Magnificent bottom!"
+And slapped it as hard as he could.
+%
+There was a young lady of Carmia
+Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
+ At every cold snap
+ She would climb in your lab,
+So her little base burner could warm ya.
+%
+There was a young lady of Dee
+Who went down to the river to pee.
+ A man in a punt
+ Put his hand on her cunt,
+And God! how I wish it were me.
+%
+There was a young lady of Dee
+Whose hymen was split into three.
+ And when she was diddled
+ The middle string fiddled:
+"Nearer My God To Thee."
+%
+There was a young lady of Dexter
+Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
+ For whenever they'd start
+ He'd unfailingly fart
+With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Dover
+Whose passion was such that it drove her
+ To cry, when you came,
+ "Oh dear! What a shame!
+Well, now we shall have to start over."
+%
+There was a young lady of Ealing
+And her lover before her was kneeling.
+ Said she, "Dearest Jim,
+ Take your hands off my quim;
+I much prefer fucking to feeling."
+%
+There was a young lady of fashion
+Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
+ To her lover she said,
+ As they climbed into bed,
+"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
+%
+There was a young lady of Fez
+Who was known to the public as "Jez."
+ Jezebel was her name,
+ Sucking cocks was the game
+She excelled at (so everyone says).
+%
+There was a young lady of Gaza
+Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
+ The crabs, in a lump,
+ Made tracks to her rump--
+This passing parade did amaze her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Gloucester,
+Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
+ She wasn't much hurt,
+ But he dirtied her skirt,
+So think of the anguish it cost her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Gloucester
+Whose friends they thought they had lost her
+ Till they found on the grass
+ The marks of her arse,
+And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
+%
+There was a young lady of Kent,
+Who admitted she knew what it meant
+ When men asked her to dine,
+ And plied her with wine,
+She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
+%
+There was a young lady of Lee
+Who scrambled up into a tree,
+ When she got there
+ Her arsehole was bare,
+And so was her C U N T.
+%
+There was a young lady of Lincoln
+Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
+ So she had a prick lent her
+ Which turned it magenta,
+This artful old lady of Lincoln.
+%
+There was a young lady of Natchez
+Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
+ And she often said, "Shit!
+ Why, I'd give either tit
+For a man with equipment that matches."
+
+There was a young fellow named Locke
+Who was born with a two-headed cock.
+ When he'd fondle the thing
+ It would rise up and sing
+An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
+
+But whether these two ever met
+Has not been recorded as yet,
+ Still, it would be diverting
+ To see him inserting
+His whang while it sang a duet.
+%
+There was a young lady of Norway
+Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
+ She said to her beau
+ "Just look at me Joe
+I think I've discovered one more way."
+%
+There was a young lady of Rhyll
+In an omnibus was taken ill,
+ So she called the conductor,
+ Who got in and fucked her,
+Which did more good than a pill.
+%
+There was a young lady of Spain
+Who took down her pants on a train.
+ There was a young porter
+ Saw more than he orter,
+And asked her to do it again.
+%
+There was a young lady of Spain
+Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
+ They did it again
+ And again and again,
+And again and again and again.
+%
+There was a young lady of Twickenham
+Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
+ On her knees every day
+ To God she would pray
+To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
+%
+There was a young lady of Wheeling
+Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
+ My little brown jug
+ Has need of a plug" --
+And straightaway she started to peeling.
+%
+There was a young lady who said,
+As her bridegroom got into the bed,
+ "I'm tired of this stunt,
+ That they do with one's cunt,
+You can get up my bottom instead."
+%
+There was a young lady whose cunt
+Could accommodate a small punt.
+ Her mother said, "Annie,
+ It matches your fanny,
+Which never was that of a runt."
+%
+There was a young lady whose thighs,
+When spread showed a slit of such size,
+ And so deep and so wide,
+ You could play cards inside,
+Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
+%
+There was a young lass from Surat.
+The cheeks of her ass were so fat
+ That they had to be parted
+ Whenever she farted,
+And also whenever she shat.
+%
+There was a young laundress named Wrangle
+Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
+ "They may tickle my chin,"
+ She said with a grin,
+"But at least they keep out of the mangle."
+%
+There was a young maiden from Osset
+Whose quim was nine inches across it.
+ Said a young man named Tong,
+ With tool nine inches long,
+"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
+%
+There was a young man from Bear Ridge
+Who had strange ideas about marriage.
+ He fucked his wife's mother
+ And sucked off her brother
+And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
+%
+There was a young man from Bel-Aire
+Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
+ But the banister broke
+ So he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
+%
+There was a young man from Biloxi
+Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
+ Drinking glass after glass,
+ He would tune up his ass,
+Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
+%
+There was a young man from Bombay
+Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
+ But the heat of his prick
+ Turned it into a brick
+And rubbed all his foreskin away.
+%
+There was a young man from Calcutta
+Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
+ "If her Bartholin glands
+ Don't respond to my hands,
+I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
+%
+There was a young man from Dallas
+Who had an exceptional phallus.
+ He couldn't find room
+ In any girl's womb
+Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
+%
+There was a young man from Dundee
+Who buggered an ape in a tree.
+ The results were quite horrid:
+ All ass and no forehead,
+Three balls and a purple goatee.
+%
+There was a young man from East Lizes
+Whose balls were of two different sizes
+ One was so small
+ It was no ball at all
+The other was large and won prizes.
+%
+There was a young man from East Wubley
+Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
+ Each quadruplicate shaft
+ Had two balls hanging aft,
+And the general effect was quite lovely.
+
+There was a young man from Hong Kong
+Who had a trifurcated prong:
+ A small one for sucking,
+ A large one for fucking,
+And a `boney' for beating a gong.
+%
+There was a young man from Glengozzle
+Who found a remarkable fossil.
+ He knew by the bend
+ And the wart on the end,
+'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
+%
+There was a young man from Jodhpur
+Who found he could easily cure
+ His dread diabetes
+ By eating a foetus
+Served up in a sauce of manure.
+%
+There was a young man from Kent
+Whose tool was so long that it bent.
+ To save himself trouble
+ He put it in double
+And instead of coming, he went.
+%
+There was a young man from Lynn
+Whose cock was the size of a pin.
+ Said his girl with a laugh
+ As she felt his staff,
+"This won't be much of a sin."
+%
+There was a young man from Maine
+Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
+ It was almost as long,
+ So he strolled with his dong
+Extended in sunshine and rain.
+%
+There was a young man from Nantucket
+Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
+ But he looked in the glass,
+ And saw his own ass,
+And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
+%
+There was a young man from Nantucket
+Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
+ He said with a grin,
+ While wiping his chin,
+"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
+%
+There was a young man from New Haven
+Who had an affair with a raven.
+ He said with a grin
+ As he wiped off his chin,
+"Nevermore!"
+%
+There was a young man from Peru,
+Who took a long trip by canoe.
+ While staring at Venus,
+ And rubbing his penis,
+He wound up with a handful of goo.
+%
+There was a young man from Purdue
+Who was only just learning to screw,
+ But he hadn't the knack,
+ And he got too far back --
+In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
+%
+There was a young man from Racine
+Who invented a fucking machine.
+ Concave or convex,
+ It served either sex,
+But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
+%
+There was a young man from Rangoon
+Who used to lament 'neath the moon
+ That he had the luck
+ To be born of a fuck
+That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
+%
+There was a young man from Salinas
+Who had an extremely long penis:
+ Believe it or not,
+ When he lay on his cot
+It reached from Marin to Martinez.
+%
+There was a young man from Seattle
+Whose testicles tended to rattle.
+ He said as he fuck-ed
+ Some stones in a bucket,
+"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
+%
+There was a young man from Siam
+Who said, "I go in with a wham,
+ But I soon lose my starch
+ Like the mad month of March,
+And the lion comes out like a lamb."
+%
+There was a young man from St. Paul's
+Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
+ Till he grew such a passion
+ For feminine fashion
+That he knitted a snood for his balls.
+%
+There was a young man from Stamboul
+Who boasted so torrid a tool
+ That each female crater
+ Explored by this satyr
+Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
+%
+There was a young man from the Coast
+Who had an affair with a ghost.
+ At the height of orgasm
+ Said the pallid phantasm,
+"I think I can feel it -- almost!"
+%
+There was a young man from Tibet-
+And this is the strangest one yet-
+ Whose tool was so long,
+ So pointed and strong,
+He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
+%
+There was a young man in Havana,
+Banged his girl on a player-piana.
+ At the height of their fever
+ Her ass hit the lever
+And: yes, he has no banana.
+%
+There was a young man in Norway,
+Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
+ But the air was so frigid
+ It froze his cock rigid,
+And all he could come was frappe.
+%
+There was a young man in the choir
+Whose penis rose higher and higher,
+ Till it reached such a height
+ It was quite out of sight --
+But of course you know I'm a liar.
+%
+There was a young man, name of Fred,
+Who spent every Thursday in bed;
+ He lay with his feet
+ Outside of the sheet,
+And the pillows on top of his head.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young man, name of Saul,
+Who was able to bounce either ball,
+ He could stretch them and snap them,
+ And juggle and clap them,
+Which earned him the plaudits of all.
+%
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+ His wife was a bitch
+ So she threw the switch,
+And Crockett went off like a rocket.
+%
+There was a young man named Hughes
+Who swore off all kinds of booze.
+ He said, "When I'm muddled
+ My senses get fuddled,
+And I pass up too many screws."
+%
+There was a young man named Knute
+Who had warts all over his root.
+ He put acid on these
+ And now when he pees,
+He fingers the thing like a flute.
+%
+There was a young man named Rex
+Who really was small for his sex.
+ When tried for exposure
+ The judge's disclosure
+Was "de minimus non curat lex."
+%
+There was a young man named Zerubbabel
+Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
+ When they asked if his pleasure
+ Was only half measure,
+He replied, "That is highly improbable."
+%
+There was a young man named Zerubbabub
+Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
+ But the pride of his life
+ Were the tits of his wife --
+One real, and one India-rubber bub.
+%
+There was a young man of Arras
+Who stretched himself out on the grass,
+ And with no little trouble,
+ He bent himself double,
+And stuck his prick well up his ass.
+%
+There was a young man of Australia
+Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
+ He buggered a frog,
+ Two mice and a dog,
+And a bishop in fullest regalia.
+%
+There was a young man of Belgrade
+Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
+ I will suck, without charge,
+ Any cock, if it's large.
+If it's small, I expect to be paid."
+%
+There was a young man of Belgrade
+Who slept with a girl in the trade.
+ She said to him, "Jack,
+ Try the hole in the back;
+The front one is badly decayed."
+%
+There was a young man of Bengal
+Who swore he had only one ball,
+ But two little bitches
+ Unbuttoned his britches,
+And found he had no balls at all.
+%
+There was a young man of Bombay
+Who buggered his dad once a day.
+ He said, "I like, rather,
+ Fucking my father --
+He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
+%
+There was a young man of Calcutta,
+Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
+ When he got to c-u,
+ A pious Hindoo
+Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
+%
+There was a young man of Cape Horn
+Who wished he had never been born,
+ And he wouldn't have been
+ If his father had seen
+That the end of the rubber was torn.
+%
+There was a young man of Coblenz
+Whose ballocks were simply immense:
+ It took forty-four draymen,
+ A priest and three laymen
+To carry them thither and thence.
+%
+There was a young man of Darjeeling
+Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
+ In the electric light socket,
+ He'd put it and rock it--
+Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
+%
+There was a young man of Devizes,
+Whose balls were of different sizes.
+ One was so small,
+ It was nothing at all;
+The other took numerous prizes.
+%
+There was a young man of Dumfries
+Who said to his girl, "If you please,
+ It would give me great bliss
+ If, while playing with this,
+You would pay some attention to these!"
+%
+There was a young man of high station
+Who was found by a pious relation
+ Making love in a ditch
+ To -- I won't say a bitch --
+But a woman of no reputation.
+%
+There was a young man of Khartoum,
+The strength of whose balls was his doom.
+ So strong was his shootin',
+ The third law of Newton
+Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
+%
+There was a young man of Khartoum
+Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
+ He not only fucked her,
+ But buggered and sucked her--
+And left her to pay for the room.
+%
+There was a young man of Kutki
+Who could blink himself off with one eye.
+ For a while though, he pined,
+ When his organ declined
+To function, because of a stye.
+%
+There was a young man of Lahore
+Whose prick was one inch and no more.
+ It was all right for key-holes
+ And little girl's pee-holes,
+But not worth a damn with a whore.
+%
+There was a young man of Lake Placid
+Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
+ When he wanted to sport
+ He would have to resort
+To injections of sulphuric acid.
+%
+There was a young man of Madras
+Whose balls were constructed of brass.
+ When jangled together
+ They played "Stormy Weather",
+And lightning shot out of his ass.
+%
+There was a young man of Missouri
+Who fucked with a terrible fury.
+ Till hauled into court
+ For his beastial sport,
+And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
+%
+There was a young man of Natal
+And Sue was the name of his gal.
+ One day, north of Aden,
+ He got his hard rod in,
+And came clear up Suez Canal.
+%
+There was a young man of Natal
+Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
+ Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
+ Said he, "You be buggered!
+I like to fuck slow and I shall."
+%
+There was a young man of Ostend
+Who let a girl play with his end.
+ She took hold of Rover,
+ And felt it all over,
+And it did what she didn't intend.
+%
+There was a young man of Ostend
+Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
+ "It's no use, my duck,
+ Interrupting our fuck,
+For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
+%
+There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
+Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
+ It was good for large whores,
+ And for small dinosaurs,
+And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
+%
+There was a young man of Seattle
+Who bested a bull in a battle.
+ With fire and gumption
+ He assumed the bull's function,
+And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
+%
+There was a young man of St. John's
+Who wanted to bugger the swans.
+ But the loyal hall porter
+ Said, "Pray take my daughter!
+Those birds are reserved for the dons."
+%
+There was a young man of Tibet
+-- And this is the strangest one yet --
+ His prick was so long,
+ And so pointed and strong,
+He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
+%
+There was a young man of Toulouse
+Who had a deficient prepuce,
+ But the foreskin he lacked
+ He made up in his sac;
+The result was, his balls were too loose.
+%
+There was a young man who appeared
+To his friends with a full growth of beard;
+ They at once said, "Although
+ We can't say why it's so,
+The effect is uncommonly weird."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young man who said "God,
+I find it exceedingly odd,
+ That the willow oak tree
+ Continues to be,
+When there's no one about in the Quad."
+
+"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
+For I'm always about in the Quad;
+ And that's why the tree,
+ Continues to be,"
+Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
+%
+There was a young man with a fiddle
+Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
+ She replied, "Yes, I do,
+ But prefer to with two --
+It's twice as much fun in the middle."
+%
+There was a young man with a prick
+Which into his wife he would stick
+ Every morning and night
+ If it stood up all right --
+Not a very remarkable trick.
+
+His wife had a nice little cunt:
+It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
+ And with this she would fuck him,
+ Though sometimes she'd suck him --
+A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
+%
+There was a young man with one foot
+Who had a very long root.
+ If he used this peg
+ As an extra leg
+Is a question exceedingly moot.
+%
+There was a young miss from Johore
+Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
+ In a manner uncanny
+ She'd wobble her fanny,
+And drain your nuts dry to the core.
+%
+There was a young monk from Siberia
+Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
+ Till he did to a nun
+ What shouldn't be done
+And made her a mother superia'.
+%
+There was a young monk from Tibet
+And this is the damnedest one yet
+ His cock was so long
+ And incredibly strong
+That he buggered six Greeks en brochette.
+%
+There was a young monk in Siberia,
+Whose morals were very inferior,
+ He jumped on a nun
+ Which he shouldn't have done,
+And now she's a Mother Superior.
+%
+There was a young monk of Dundee
+Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
+ He said, "Pax vobiscum,
+ Now why won't the piss come?
+I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
+%
+There was a young parson of Harwich,
+Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
+ She said, "No, you young goose,
+ Just try self-abuse.
+And the other we'll try after marriage."
+%
+There was a young peasant named Gorse
+Who fell madly in love with his horse.
+ Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
+ That horse is a stallion --
+This constitutes grounds for divorce."
+%
+There was a young person of Kent
+Who was famous wherever he went.
+ All the way through a fuck,
+ He would quack like a duck,
+And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
+%
+There was a young physicist named Fisk
+Whose lovemaking was rather brisk.
+ So quick was his action,
+ The Lorentz Contraction
+Shortened his rod to a disc!
+%
+There was a young plumber named Lee
+Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
+ She said, "Stop your plumbing,
+ There's somebody coming"
+Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
+%
+There was a young poet named Dan,
+Whose poetry never would scan.
+ When told this was so,
+ He said, "Yes, I know,
+It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
+%
+There was a young royal marine,
+Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
+ When he reached the soprano
+ Out came only guano
+And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
+%
+There was a young sailor from Brighton,
+Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
+ She replied, "'Pon my soul,
+ You're in the wrong hole;
+There's plenty of room in the right one."
+%
+There was a young sapphic named Anna
+Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
+ Which she sucked, bit by bit,
+ From her partner's warm slit,
+In the most approved lesbian manner.
+%
+There was a young Scot in Madrid
+Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
+ When they said, "Are you faint?"
+ He replied, "No, I ain't,
+But I don't feel as good as I did."
+%
+There was a young soldier from Munich
+Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
+ And their chops girls would lick
+ When they thought of his prick,
+But alas! he was only a eunuch.
+%
+There was a young sportsman named Peel
+Who went for a trip on his wheel;
+ He pedaled for days
+ Through crepuscular haze,
+And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young squaw of Wohunt
+Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
+ It had many odd uses,
+ Produced no papooses,
+And fitted both giant and runt.
+%
+There was a young student from Yale
+Who was getting his first piece of tail.
+ He shoved in his pole,
+ But in the wrong hole,
+And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
+%
+There was a young trollop at Yale,
+Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
+ And on her behind,
+ For the sake of the blind,
+A duplicate version in Braille.
+%
+There was a young woman called Pearl
+Who quite resembled a churl;
+ When she asked a young man named Tex
+ Whether he would like to have sex,
+"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
+%
+There was a young woman from Bude,
+Who went for a swim in the nude,
+ But a man in a punt,
+ Grabbed at her elbow,
+And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
+%
+There was a young woman in Dee
+Who stayed with each man she did see.
+ When it came to a test
+ She wished to be best,
+And practice makes perfect, you see.
+%
+There was a young woman named Alice
+Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
+ She said, "I do this
+ From a great need to piss,
+And not from sectarian malice."
+%
+There was a young woman named Ells
+Who was subject to curious spells
+ When got up very oddly,
+ She'd cry out things ungodly
+by the palms in expensive hotels.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young woman named Florence
+Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
+ But they found her in bed
+ With her cunt flaming red,
+And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
+%
+There was a young woman named Plunnery
+Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
+ Till one day unobservant,
+ She blew up a servant,
+And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was a young woman named Sutton
+Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
+ "My father preferred
+ The last sheep in the herd --
+This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
+%
+There was a young woman of Cheadle,
+Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
+ Said she, "Does it itch?"
+ "It does, you damned bitch,
+And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
+%
+There was a young woman of Condover
+Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
+ Her pussy was juicy,
+ Her arse soft and goosey,
+But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
+%
+There was a young woman of Croft
+Who played with herself in a loft,
+ Having reasoned that candles
+ Could never cause scandals,
+Besides which they did not go soft.
+
+Said another young woman of Croft,
+Amusing herself in the loft,
+ "A salami or wurst
+ Is what I'd choose first --
+With bologna you know you've been boffed."
+%
+There was a young woman, quite handsome,
+Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
+ When she offered much gold
+ For release, she was told
+That the view was worth more than the ransom.
+%
+There was a young woman whose stammer
+Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
+ But they were not improved
+ When her husband was moved
+To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There was an old abbess quite shocked
+To find nuns where the candles were locked.
+ Said the abbess, "You nuns
+ Should behave more like guns,
+And never go off till you're cocked."
+%
+There was an old bishop from Buckingham
+Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em.
+ His wife with distain
+ Could scarcely restrain
+That sprightly old bishop from * * *.
+%
+There was an old count of Swoboda
+Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
+ So, with great savoir-faire,
+ She stood on a chair
+And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
+%
+There was an old curate of Hestion
+Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.
+ But so small was his tool
+ He could scarce screw a spool,
+And a cunt was quite out of the question.
+%
+There was an old fellow named Art
+Who awoke with a horrible start,
+ For down by his rump
+ Was a generous lump
+Of what should have been just a fart.
+%
+There was an old fellow named Skinner
+Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
+ But still, by and large,
+ It would always discharge
+Once he could just get it in her.
+%
+There was an old feminine blighter
+Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
+ She would cream her own pool
+ While she sucked off his tool --
+How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
+%
+There was an old gent from Kentuck
+Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
+ But he put it away
+ For fear that one day
+He might put it in and get stuck.
+%
+There was an old girl of Kilkenny
+Whose usual charge was a penny.
+ For half of that sum
+ You could finger her bum--
+A source of amusement to many.
+%
+There was an old harlot from Dijon
+Who in her old age got religion.
+ "When I'm dead & gone,"
+ Said she, "I'll take on
+The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
+%
+There was an old lady of Bingly
+Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
+ I thought I had got
+ A bloke for my twat,
+But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
+%
+There was an old lady of Glascow,
+Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
+ At nine-thirty, about,
+ The lights all went out,
+Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
+%
+There was an old lady of Kewry
+Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
+ The `introitus vaginae',
+ Was unnaturally tiny,
+And the thought of it filled her with fury.
+%
+There was an old lady who lay
+With her legs wide apart in the hay,
+ Then, calling the ploughman,
+ She said, "Do it now, man!
+Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
+%
+There was an old maid from Cape Cod
+Who thought all good things came from god.
+ But it wasn't the almighty
+ Who lifted her nighty,
+It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
+%
+There was an old man from Bengal
+Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
+ His favorite trick
+ Was to stand on his dick
+While he rolled around on one ball.
+%
+There was an old man from Fort Drum
+Whose son was incredibly dumb.
+ When he urged him ahead,
+ He went down instead,
+For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
+%
+There was an old man of Alsace
+Who played the trombone with his ass.
+ He put in a trap
+ To take out the crap,
+But the vapors corroded the brass.
+%
+There was an old man of Brienz
+The length of whose cock was immense:
+ With one swerve he could plug
+ A boy's bottom in Zug,
+And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
+%
+There was an old man of Cajon
+Who never could get a good bone.
+ With the aid of a gland
+ It grew simply grand;
+Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
+%
+There was an old man of Calcutta
+Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
+ But all he could see
+ Was his wife's bare knee,
+And the back of the bloke who was up her.
+%
+There was an old man of Connaught
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+ When he got into bed,
+ The old woman said,
+"This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
+%
+There was an old man of Duddee
+Who came home as drunk as could be.
+ He wound up the clock
+ With the end of his cock,
+And buggered his wife with the key.
+%
+There was an old man of Duluth
+Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
+ He fucked with his nose
+ And with fingers and toes,
+And he came through a hole in his tooth.
+%
+There was an old man of Hong Kong
+Who never did anything wrong.
+ He would lie on his back
+ With his head in a sack
+And secretly finger his dong.
+%
+There was an old man of St. Bees,
+Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
+ When asked, "Does it hurt?"
+ He replied, "No, it doesn't.
+I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
+ -- W. S. Gilbert
+%
+There was an old man of Tagore
+Whose tool was a yard long or more,
+ So he wore the damn thing
+ In a surgical sling
+To keep it from wiping the floor.
+%
+There was an Old Man of the Mountain
+Who frigged himself into a fountain
+ Fifteen times had he spent,
+ Still he wasn't content,
+He simply got tired of the counting.
+%
+There was an old man who said, "Tush!
+My balls always hang in the brush,
+ And I fumble about,
+ Half in and half out,
+With a pecker as limber as mush."
+%
+There was an old man with a beard
+Who said, "It is just what I feared!
+ Two owls and a hen,
+ Four larks and a wren
+Have all built their nests in my beard!"
+%
+There was an old person of Ware
+Who had an affair with a bear.
+ He explained, "I don't mind,
+ For it's gentle and kind,
+But I wish it had slightly less hair."
+%
+There was an old pirate named Bates
+Who was learning to rhumba on skates
+ He fell on his cutlass
+ Which rendered him nutless
+And practically useless on dates.
+%
+There was an old satyr named Mack
+Whose prick had a left handed tack.
+ If the ladies he loves
+ Don't spin when he shoves,
+Their cervixes frequently crack.
+%
+There was an old Scot named McTavish
+Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
+ The object of rape
+ Was the wrong sex of ape,
+And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
+%
+There was an old whore from Silesia
+Who'd croak: "If my box doesn't please ya,
+ For a slight extra sum
+ You can go up my bum
+But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
+%
+There was an old whore in the Azores
+Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
+ Why the dogs in the street
+ Wouldn't eat the green meat
+That hung in festoons from her drawers.
+%
+There was an old woman of Ghent
+Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
+ She got fucked so often
+ At last she got rotten,
+And didn't she stink when she spent.
+%
+There was once a mechanic named Bench
+Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
+ With this vibrant device
+ He could reach, in a trice,
+The innermost parts of a wench.
+%
+There were three ladies of Huxham,
+And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em,
+ And when that game grows stale
+ We sits on a rail,
+And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em.
+%
+There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
+And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
+ They lifted the frock
+ And tickled the cock
+Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
+
+Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
+He'd been to a good public school,
+ So he took down their britches
+ And buggered those bitches
+With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
+
+Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
+And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
+ "The vicar is quicker
+ And thicker and slicker,
+And longer and stronger than you."
+ -- Abuses of the Clergy
+%
+There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
+Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
+ It's deep and it's wide,
+ -- You can curl up inside
+With a nice easy chair and a book.
+%
+There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
+Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
+ But now--it's appallin'--
+ My balls always fall in!
+I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
+%
+There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
+Whose manners are odd and demanding.
+ It's one of her jests
+ To suck off her guests --
+She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
+%
+There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
+Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
+ But her cunt's got a pucker
+ That's best not to fuck, or
+When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
+%
+There's a rather odd couple in Herts
+Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
+ Their sex is in doubt
+ For they're never without
+Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
+Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
+ In the shell Sue is great,
+ But her boyfriend's irate,
+When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
+%
+There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
+By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
+ In her striving to please,
+ She serves ale on her knees,
+So the patrons get head with their draft.
+%
+There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
+Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
+ The seniors go round
+ Hanging down to the ground,
+And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
+%
+There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
+Since his shocking perversions are various...
+ He will bugger some lad
+ With a dildo (the cad!)
+While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
+%
+There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
+Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
+ When one pireg is shot,
+ There's that alternate twat,
+But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
+%
+There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
+Who insists on a dozen a night.
+ A fellow named Cheddar
+ Had the brashness to wed her-
+His chance of survival is slight.
+%
+There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
+Exceedingly hard to get onto,
+ But when you get there,
+ And have parted the hair,
+You can fuck her as much as you want to.
+%
+They had come in the fugue to the stretto
+When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
+ Slipped forward and grabbed
+ Her tresses and stabbed
+Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
+Was to do what man normally does,
+ She declared, "I'm a Soul-
+ Not a sexual goal!"
+So he shrugged and called someone who was.
+%
+Though most of the crewmen are whites,
+Uhura has full equal rights.
+ Her crewmates, you see,
+ Love De-mo-cra-cy,
+And the way that she fills out her tights.
+%
+Though the invalid Saint of Brac
+Lay all of his life on his back,
+ His wife got her share,
+ And the pilgrims now stare
+At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
+%
+'Tis a custom in Castellamare
+To fuck in the back of a lorry.
+ The chassis and springs
+ Are like woodwinds and strings
+In the midst of a musical soiree.
+%
+To a weepy young woman in Thrums
+Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
+ Of allowing your tears
+ To fall into my ears -
+I think they have rotted the drums."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
+Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
+ He constructed a bed
+ Out of tree trunks and said,
+"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
+%
+To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
+Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
+ She replied, "Why, you fool,
+ With your limp little tool
+It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
+%
+To his bride said a numskull named Clarence:
+"I trust you will show some forbearance.
+ My sexual habits
+ I picked up from rabbits,
+And occasionally watching my parents."
+%
+To his bride said economist Fife:
+"The semen you'll launch as my wife,
+ We will salvage and freeze
+ To resemble goat's cheese,
+And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
+%
+To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
+"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
+ Is your east tit the least bit
+ The best of your west tit,
+Or is it a trick of perspective?"
+%
+To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
+As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
+ "Your mother's behaviour
+ Gave pain to Our Saviour,
+And that's why He made you a cripple."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+Two anglers were fishing off Wight
+And his bobber was dipping all night.
+ Murmured she, with a laugh,
+ "It's ready to gaff,
+But don't break your rod which is light."
+
+A couple was fishing near Clombe
+When the maid began looking quite glum,
+ And said, "Bother the fish!
+ I'd rather coish!"
+Which they did -- which was why they had come.
+
+As two consular clerks in Madras
+Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
+ "What a marvelous pole,"
+ Said she, "but control
+Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
+%
+Two eager young men from Cawnpore
+Once buggered and fucked the same whore.
+ But her partition split
+ And the blood and the shit
+Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
+%
+Two roosters in one of our pens
+Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
+ As they looked at their foreskins
+ And wished they had more skins,
+They discovered they'd both become hens.
+%
+Under the spreading chestnut tree
+The village smith he sat,
+ Amusing himself
+ By abusing himself
+And catching the load in his hat.
+%
+Une joile epousetta a Tours
+Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
+ Mais le mari disait, "Non!
+ De trop n'est pas bon!
+Mon derriere exige du secours!"
+%
+Visas erat: huic geminarum
+Dispar modus testicularum:
+ Minor haec nihili,
+ Palma triplici,
+Jam fecerat altera clarum.
+%
+We dedicate this to the cunt,
+The kind the broad-minded guys hunt:
+ All hail to the twat,
+ Willing, thrilling, and hot,
+That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
+%
+When I was a baby, my penis
+Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
+ But now 'tis as red
+ As her nipples instead--
+All because of the feminine genus!
+%
+When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
+Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
+ "Was he modest or vain?"
+ "Was he regal or plain?"
+She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
+%
+When you fuck little Annie in Anza
+You get a great bosom bonanza:
+ Sucking Annie's soft tits
+ Makes her throw fifty fits,
+And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
+%
+While his duchess lay practically dead,
+The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
+ "Can it be this is all?
+ How puny! How small!
+Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
+Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
+ She explained, "They are flat,
+ But think nothing of that --
+You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
+%
+While out on a date in his Fiat,
+The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
+ As he bent down to seek,
+ She let out a shriek:
+"That's not where it's likely to be at."
+%
+While spending the winter at Pau
+Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
+ So the head-porter made her
+ And the second-cook laid her;
+The waiters were all hanging low.
+%
+While Titian was mixing rose madder,
+His model reclined on a ladder.
+ Her position to Titian
+ Suggested coition,
+So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
+%
+While traveling in farthest Tibet,
+Lord Irongate found cause to regret
+ The buttered-up tea,
+ A pain in his knee,
+And the frivolous tourists he met.
+ -- Edward Gorey
+%
+Winter is here with his grouch,
+The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
+ You can't take your women
+ Canoein' or swimmin',
+But a lot can be done on a couch.
+%
+With his penis in turgid erection,
+And aimed at woman's mid-section,
+ Man looks most uncouth
+ In that Moment of Truth,
+But she sheathes it with loving affection.
+%
+You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
+But dependent on men you must be:
+ You'll need a him
+ With a rod firm and trim,
+To puggle your water-drains free!
+%
+Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
+To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
+ If you'll come to my palace,
+ I'll finger your phallus,
+And then I shall blow on your flute."
+%
+You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
+Well, here's the new story concerning 'im:
+ He buggers the choir
+ As they sing "Ave Maria,"
+And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
+%
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+abbess's
+Abercrombie
+Aberystwyth
+acrost
+Aden
+Ades
+Alsace
+altera
+Amphigorey
+anatomies
+andantes
+Annie's
+Annista
+Antigua
+Anza
+Apres
+archeologist
+Arden
+ARPAnaut
+arsehole
+astonishment's
+Asturias
+Attila
+ausgefuckt
+Azores
+backsides
+ballocks
+Baroda
+Bartholin
+Batonger
+Baugh
+Bavel
+beabrve
+Beaconsfield
+beastial
+Beaulieu
+Beever
+belican
+Benares
+Bergere
+Bermuder
+berserkly
+bettera
+Bicester
+Bingly
+Bloch
+Blott
+Blount
+Bluth
+boffed
+bologna
+Bonaire
+boney
+Breerley
+bridegroom's
+Brienz
+Brighton
+Brillo
+brio
+Bronix
+Bruckner
+Bruges
+Buckingham
+Bude
+bull's
+busiasm
+bustles
+Byrd
+Cah'lina
+Cajon
+callgirl
+Camyre
+cannie
+Carmia
+Carranza's
+Carruthers
+Castellamare
+Cawnpore
+cervixes
+chanties
+Charteris
+Cheadle
+Cheddar
+Chichester
+Chichester's
+circumsized
+Ciss
+clarum
+clergyman's
+Clews
+Clombe
+Coblenz
+cocksucking
+coish
+Condover
+coxing
+Coxsaxie
+creame
+Crewe
+crewmates
+Cribbs
+crusader's
+curat
+d'hotel
+d'Isere
+d'oeuvres
+Daguerrodargue
+Decatur
+deflowered
+deflowers
+Detroit
+detumesced
+Devizes
+Dieu
+dillie
+disait
+Dispar
+dooflicker
+doric
+Drambuie
+draymen
+dribblings
+Drumrig
+duck's
+Duddee
+Dumfries
+Dundee
+Dunoon
+duply
+Durand
+Durcan
+Ealing
+eastertide
+edaM
+eighths
+ekil
+elihW
+Ells
+epousetta
+erat
+Ermintrude's
+Eroticon
+ESC
+Esser
+Eton
+exige
+eyesight's
+Fabia
+faggot
+faire
+fanny
+fart
+farta
+farted
+farter
+farting
+farts
+fecerat
+Feeney
+fellatrix
+fellatrix's
+Fenner
+Fennis
+festooned
+festoons
+fidgital
+fiesty
+Fleager
+floozie
+Folies
+foreskins
+Forgeteth
+Fornier
+frigged
+frigger
+frigging
+fritz
+fuckener
+fucking'em
+Fuckoscope
+fuckstress
+fuddled
+Fyfe
+Gamahuchee
+Gasted
+gaucho
+gawked
+Gaza
+geminarum
+Glengozzle
+gnihtemos
+gniyl
+Gomorrah
+goosey
+gooster
+Gorey
+Gratian
+Gression
+guerre
+Hank's
+Harper's
+Harwich
+helican
+Herridge
+Herts
+Hestion
+hetera
+Heuser
+hexahedronical
+hexed
+hsinif
+huic
+Huxham
+Hyde
+hymen's
+Ickes
+Ignatious
+iguanas
+IIE
+Illiac
+intacto
+interflex
+Irongate
+itchez
+jello
+Jodhpur
+Johore
+joile
+Kew
+Kewry
+Khartoum
+Kiam
+Kilkenny
+Kimble
+Kissen
+Kornbluth
+Kotex
+Kroll
+Kutki
+lacklustre
+Lahore
+Lancelot
+laundress
+Leeds
+Lefebrve
+Lesbian's
+lifesavers
+lilly
+Lizes
+llamas
+Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
+LLewellyn
+Longet
+looky
+Lorentz
+lovemaking
+Lowe
+LSD
+Luntz
+lusus
+Mable
+MacDougall
+Magnifique
+Mais
+Maitre
+Mam'selle
+Manchukuo
+Mandel
+Manhasset
+mari
+Maurier
+maxi
+Mayence
+McAmeter
+McFee
+Mcgoffin
+McGru
+McGruder
+McMeanus
+McSweeny
+McTavish
+meanie
+meanies
+meany
+Mensa
+mentis
+midgets
+minimis
+missin
+misspent
+Moebius
+moi
+moister
+mole's
+Mons
+Moxie
+muckener
+n'est
+Natches
+naturae
+navel's
+Nemetia
+nighty
+nihili
+niners
+Noah's
+Norte
+nuki
+nutless
+O'Clare
+O'Doole
+O'Malley
+obbligatos
+octagenerian
+organed
+orter
+Ostend
+oversexed
+Paloma
+papooses
+paree
+Parridge
+patchez
+pecker's
+peckers
+peedle
+peeholes
+peenies
+pees
+Penzance
+pink'un
+pissin
+Pitlochry
+Pitts
+plaudits
+pleasure's
+ploughman
+Plunnery
+port's
+Pourtant
+Priam
+Pridgets
+prodigical
+pruntz
+Pryne
+Prynne
+Quaffed
+Quelle
+question's
+quibblings
+quim
+quimmy
+quints
+ravished
+Reims
+Resounded
+retriebrve
+Rhyll
+rogered
+Salinas
+Sandem
+savoir
+Schmitz
+scratchez
+seatbelts
+secours
+secret's
+sextravaganza
+Shedd
+shins
+Shittlecock
+shitty
+shootin
+shrewder
+Siegel
+siht
+skating's
+Slatey
+Smokey
+sneaux
+sniffin
+sophomore'd
+spaceman
+spikey
+Spitzbergen
+Sprotic
+Spyder
+Stamboul
+Stillson
+Streator
+Strensall
+strewed
+stroda
+Suki
+Susiasm
+Sweenies
+Swoboda
+T'was
+Tagore
+Tante
+tapeworm'll
+Terminus's
+testicularum
+thing's
+Thrace
+Thrums
+Tiffan
+tis
+titted
+titties
+Tobruk
+tooty
+topsheet
+tous
+Trans
+Trasket
+trifurcated
+triplici
+trop
+truckloads
+trysts
+Tunney
+Tupper
+Tupps
+Twickenham
+Twiss
+Twould
+Udgeon
+Uhura
+urgin's
+Usenetter
+vaginae
+vaginoid
+Vassar
+Venerio
+Ventry
+verkeley
+Vesuvial
+Virginny
+virgo
+Vitalis
+vobiscum
+Vogel's
+Voulait
+wanna
+Weaveth
+weeney
+Whatam
+Whyte
+Wimley
+Wohunt
+Wubley
+Wylde
+ylbatrofmoc
+yontiff
+Yoric
+Yost
+yourselfer
+Zerubbabel
+Zerubbabub
+Zug
--- /dev/null
+%%$FreeBSD$
+%
+(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
+(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough
+ facts.
+(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
+%
+(1) Everything depends.
+(2) Nothing is always.
+(3) Everything is sometimes.
+%
+(1) Everything is a system.
+(2) Everything is part of a larger system.
+(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward
+ (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems).
+(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illusion
+ of simplicity comes from focusing attention on
+ one or a few variables).
+%
+(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
+(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry.
+(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics.
+%
+(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church
+ attendance will be down.
+(2) If the weather is extremely good, church
+ attendance will be down.
+(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply
+ church attendance will exceed all expectations.
+%
+(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size.
+(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't
+ fit anyway.
+(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it.
+(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it
+ falls apart the first time you wear it.
+%
+(1) Never draw what you can copy.
+(2) Never copy what you can trace.
+(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
+%
+(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the
+ door, fumbling for your keys.
+
+(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click
+ of the caller hanging up.
+%
+1) Things will get worse before they get better.
+2) Who said things would get better?
+%
+80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture
+you missed about the one book you didn't read.
+%
+90% of everything is crud.
+%
+A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing
+first.
+%
+A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will
+self-destruct on the 61st day.
+%
+A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.
+%
+A bird in the hand is dead.
+%
+A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber
+has to make an emergency visit.
+%
+A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because
+it was marked down.
+%
+A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for
+Christmas and spending them by Easter.
+%
+A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a
+shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey.
+%
+A budget is trying to figure out how the family next
+door is doing it.
+%
+A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as
+it did when you were first married.
+%
+A budget is wondering why you should balance yours
+if the government can not balance theirs.
+%
+A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise
+deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge.
+%
+A carelessly planned project will take three times
+longer than expected; a carefully planned project will
+take only twice as long.
+%
+A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
+%
+A closed mouth gathers no foot.
+%
+A complex system designed from scratch never works and
+cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start
+over, beginning with a working simple system.
+%
+A complex system that works is invariably found to have
+evolved from a simple system that works.
+%
+A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
+%
+A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
+%
+A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not
+take place.
+%
+A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the
+whole thing".
+%
+A day without sunshine ....
+is like ... night!
+%
+A disagreeable task is its own reward.
+%
+A drug is that substance which, when injected into a
+rat, will produce a scientific report.
+%
+A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
+ -- Klipstein
+%
+A fool and his money are invited places.
+%
+A fool and his money soon go partying.
+%
+A fool and your money are soon partners.
+%
+A free agent is anything but.
+%
+A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and
+nobody minds if you exchange it.
+%
+A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of
+a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system.
+%
+A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
+%
+A little humility is arrogance.
+%
+A little ignorance can go a long way.
+%
+A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much
+technological roccoco.
+%
+A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
+%
+A man should be greater than some of his parts.
+%
+A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or
+her opposition.
+%
+A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
+and the hours are lost.
+%
+A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick
+in the pants.
+%
+A penny saved is ... not much.
+%
+A pessimist is an optimist with experience.
+%
+A physician's ability is inversely proportional
+to his availability.
+%
+A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered
+only during the semester following the desired course.
+%
+A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready,
+willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
+%
+A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible.
+%
+A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
+%
+A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public
+area to loudly demonstrate newly acquired vocabulary.
+%
+A stagnant science is at a standstill.
+%
+A theory is better than its explanation.
+%
+A work project expands to fill the space available.
+%
+Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than
+a wet dog.
+%
+Access holes will be 1/2" too small.
+Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place.
+%
+ACF2 is a four letter word.
+%
+Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
+%
+After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
+than done
+%
+After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle
+will repeat itself.
+%
+After winning an argument with his wife,
+the wisest thing a man can do is apologize.
+%
+All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
+%
+All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
+%
+All general statements are false. (Think about it.)
+%
+All good things must come to an end.
+I want to know when they start!
+%
+All things being equal, all things are never equal.
+%
+All things being equal, you lose.
+
+All things being in your favor, you still lose.
+
+Win or lose, you lose.
+%
+All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list.
+%
+All trails have more uphill sections than they have
+level or downhill sections.
+%
+All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
+%
+Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
+%
+Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
+%
+An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his
+own physician.
+%
+An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over,
+and attacks the wounded.
+%
+An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful
+than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
+%
+An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is
+merely better organized and uses slides.
+%
+An expert is anyone from out of town.
+%
+An expert is one who knows more and more about less
+and less until he knows absolutely everything
+about nothing.
+%
+An optimist believes we live in the best of all
+possible worlds.
+A pessimist fears this is true.
+%
+An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage.
+A pessimist is a married optimist!
+%
+An original idea can never emerge from committee
+in its original form.
+%
+An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
+%
+An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
+%
+Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly
+refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate
+for an audience.
+%
+Any circuit design must contain at least one part which
+is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three
+parts which at still under development.
+%
+Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be
+needed immediately thereafter for something else.
+%
+Any given program costs more and takes longer.
+%
+Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
+%
+Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
+%
+Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion
+if it did occur, will occur.
+%
+Any line, however short, is still too long.
+%
+Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will
+be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients.
+%
+Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
+%
+Any technical problem can be overcome given enough
+time and money.
+
+You are never given enough time or money.
+%
+Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of
+approximate, additional assumptions.
+%
+Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
+faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
+%
+Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath
+to the exact center.
+%
+Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
+%
+Anyone who follows a crowd will
+never be followed by a crowd.
+%
+Anything good in life either causes cancer in
+laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality.
+%
+Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
+%
+Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
+%
+Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
+talking about.
+%
+Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
+%
+Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than
+you thought.
+%
+As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
+%
+Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
+%
+Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
+%
+At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from
+the aisle arrive last.
+%
+At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
+%
+At the end of the semester you will recall having
+enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester
+-- and never attending.
+%
+Authorization for a project will be granted only when
+none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project
+fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit
+if it succeeds.
+%
+Automotive engine repairing law:
+If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.
+%
+Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.
+%
+Bad news drives good news out of the media.
+%
+Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always
+point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
+%
+Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
+%
+Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is,
+(1) positive, or
+(2) negative.
+If both answers are the same, don't do the test.
+%
+Beware of the physician who is great at getting
+out of trouble.
+%
+Blessed are those who go around in circles,
+for they shall be known as wheels.
+%
+Blessed is he who expects no gratitude,
+for he shall not be disappointed.
+%
+Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and
+knows it for he shall enjoy living.
+%
+Build a system that even a fool can use,
+and only a fool will use it.
+%
+Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros.
+%
+Can't produces countercan't.
+%
+Capitalism can exist in one of only two states:
+welfare or warfare.
+%
+Celibacy is not hereditary.
+%
+Class schedules are designed so that every student will
+waste the maximum time between classes.
+%
+Cleanliness is next to impossible.
+%
+Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce
+multiple interpretations.
+%
+"Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and
+thermonuclear devices.
+%
+Common sense is not so common.
+%
+Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand
+wrong answers.
+%
+Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function.
+%
+Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes.
+%
+Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
+a number and then give it back to them.
+%
+Consumer assistance doesn't.
+%
+Cop-out number 1.
+You should have seen it when I got it.
+%
+Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the
+cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the
+cost of a new washer by .75.
+%
+Create problems for which only you have the answer.
+%
+Definition of an elephant:
+A mouse built to government specifications.
+%
+Democracy is that form of government where
+everybody gets what the majority deserves.
+%
+Despite the sign that says "wet paint",
+please don't.
+%
+Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
+%
+Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.
+%
+Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut.
+%
+Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it.
+%
+Don't fight with a bear in his own cage.
+%
+Don't force it,
+get a bigger hammer.
+%
+Don't let your superiors know you're better than
+they are.
+%
+Don't look back, something may be gaining on you.
+%
+Don't make your doctor your heir.
+%
+Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
+%
+Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
+%
+Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your
+own.
+%
+Don't stop to stomp on ants
+when the elephants are stampeding.
+%
+During the time an item is on back-order, it will be
+available cheaper and quicker from many other sources.
+%
+Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
+%
+Easy doesn't do it.
+%
+Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
+worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
+%
+Entropy has us outnumbered.
+%
+Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick
+them will stick to other things when you don't want
+them to.
+%
+Even paranoids have enemies.
+%
+Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders.
+%
+Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or
+exceeding the greatness of the idea.
+%
+Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
+%
+Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since
+nobody listens.
+%
+Everybody wants a pain shot at the same time.
+%
+Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were
+passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing
+out sleeping pills.
+%
+Everybody's gotta be someplace.
+%
+Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment
+to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
+%
+Everyone gets away with something.
+No one gets away with everything.
+%
+Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
+%
+Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually
+plunge into the Atlantic ocean.
+%
+Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
+%
+Everything is contagious.
+%
+Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones.
+(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.)
+%
+Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please.
+%
+Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
+%
+Everything takes longer than you expect.
+%
+Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the
+scoreboard or out buying a hot dog.
+%
+Fact is solidified opinion.
+%
+Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure.
+%
+Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed
+talent.
+%
+Flynn is dead
+Tron is dead
+long live the MCP.
+%
+Fools rush in -- and get the best seats.
+%
+For every action, there is an equal and opposite
+criticism.
+%
+For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
+%
+For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap.
+%
+For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution --
+and it is always wrong.
+%
+For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
+%
+Forgive and remember.
+%
+Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse
+proportion to their soundness and validity.
+%
+Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
+%
+Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the
+embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
+%
+Go where the money is.
+%
+He who dies with the most toys wins.
+%
+He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from
+the next freeway exit.
+%
+He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke.
+%
+He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife.
+%
+Hindsight is an exact science.
+%
+History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely
+repeat each other.
+%
+History proves nothing.
+%
+History repeats itself.
+that's one of the things wrong with history.
+%
+Hockey is a game played by six good players and the
+home team.
+%
+Hollerith got us into this hole mess!
+%
+Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
+%
+How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented?
+%
+How do they know no two snowflakes are alike?
+%
+How long a minute is depends on which side of the
+bathroom door you're on.
+%
+I can only please one person per day.
+Today is not your day.
+(Tomorrow isn't looking good either.)
+%
+I finally got it all together...
+but I forgot where I put it.
+%
+I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere.
+%
+I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,
+when you looked at it in the right way, did not become
+still more complicated.
+ -- Poul Anderson
+%
+I know you believe you understand
+ what you think I said,
+ however, I am not sure you realize,
+ that what I think you heard
+ is not what I meant
+%
+I no longer get lost in the shuffle....
+I shuffle along with the lost.
+%
+I think ... therefore I am confused.
+%
+If a program is useful, it will be changed.
+%
+If a program is useless, it will be documented.
+%
+If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will
+become central to his theory.
+
+His theory, in turn, will become central to all
+scientific truth.
+%
+If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in
+the worst possible sequence.
+%
+If a situation requires undivided attention, it will
+occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.
+%
+If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two
+data points.
+%
+If a thing is done wrong often enough
+it becomes right.
+%
+If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong
+equipment.
+%
+If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be
+implemented, it wasn't worth doing.
+%
+If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet
+it's not $19.95.
+%
+If anything can go wrong, it will.
+%
+If anything can't go wrong it will.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
+%
+If at first you don't succeed,
+blame it on your supervisor.
+%
+If daily class attendance is mandatory, a scheduled
+exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance
+is optional, a scheduled exam will produce persons you
+have never seen before.
+%
+If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.
+%
+If everything is coming your way, you're in the
+wrong lane.
+%
+If everything seems to be going well,
+you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.
+%
+If facts do not conform to the theory,
+they must be disposed of.
+%
+If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant.
+%
+If it can be borrowed and it can be broken,
+you will borrow it and
+you will break it.
+%
+If it happens, it must be possible.
+%
+If it jams --- force it. If it breaks,
+it needed replacing anyway.
+%
+If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just
+become the expert.
+%
+If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know
+what people are undecided about.
+%
+If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company
+will insist upon repairing the old one.
+%
+If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the
+company will insist on the latest model.
+%
+If it's clean, it isn't laundry.
+%
+If it's good, they discontinue it.
+%
+If it's good they will stop making it.
+%
+If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
+%
+If more than one person is responsible for a
+miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
+%
+If Murphy's law can go wrong, it will.
+%
+If not controlled, work will flow to the competent
+man until he submerges.
+%
+If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that
+something will go wrong,
+It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
+%
+If one views his problem closely enough he will
+recognize himself as part of the problem.
+%
+If only one price can be obtained for any quotation,
+the price will be unreasonable.
+%
+If opportunity came disguised as temptation,
+one knock would be enough.
+%
+If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of
+change will exceed the rate of progress.
+%
+If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the
+test only once.
+%
+If several things that could have gone wrong have not
+gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial
+for them to have gone wrong.
+%
+If the assumptions are wrong,
+the conclusions aren't likely to be very good.
+%
+If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students
+you will be the 'n + 1' to apply.
+%
+If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing
+in the first place.
+%
+If there are only two shows worth watching, they will
+be on together.
+%
+If there isn't a law, there will be.
+%
+If there was any justice in this world, people would
+occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons.
+%
+If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
+%
+If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
+ -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
+%
+If we learn by our mistakes,
+I'm getting one hell of an education!!
+%
+If you allow someone to get in front of you either:
+(1) The car in front will be the last one over a
+ railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting
+ for a long, slow-moving train; or
+(2) you both will have the same destination and the
+ other car will get the last parking space.
+%
+If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue
+digging.
+%
+If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget
+your book.
+If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget
+where you live.
+%
+If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe,
+there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If
+you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.
+%
+If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house
+will have it back-ordered.
+%
+If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the
+tool to get it off.
+%
+If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
+theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.
+%
+If you can't convince them, confuse them.
+%
+If you can't measure it, I'm not interested.
+%
+If you can't measure output then you measure input.
+%
+If you change lines, the one you just left will start
+to move faster than the one you are now in.
+%
+If you do something right once, someone will ask
+you to do it again.
+%
+If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
+%
+If you don't like the answer,
+you shouldn't have asked the question.
+%
+If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
+%
+If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive
+your order.
+If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before
+your angry letter reaches its destination.
+%
+If you fool around with a thing for very long you will
+screw it up.
+%
+If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he
+will find an easier way to do it.
+%
+If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
+%
+If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough
+chances are someone else will do it for you.
+%
+If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
+%
+If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two
+new parking spaces right in front of the building
+entrance.
+%
+If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
+it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
+%
+If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember
+you - the next time he's in need.
+%
+If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always
+manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
+%
+If you know, you can't say.
+%
+If you leave the room, you're elected.
+%
+If you lived here you'd be home now.
+%
+If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time,
+you better wear work shoes.
+%
+If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent
+of doing you good, you should run for your life.
+%
+If you see that there are four possible ways in which a
+procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a
+fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
+%
+If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are
+either a nitwit or a repairman.
+%
+If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
+%
+If you wait, it will go away
+... having done it's damage.
+If it was bad, it'll be back.
+%
+If you want to get along, go along.
+%
+If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
+%
+If your condition seems to be getting better, it's
+probably your doctor getting sick.
+%
+If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is
+because of something left out, rather than added.
+%
+If you're coasting, you're going downhill.
+%
+If you're early, it'll be canceled.
+If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will
+ have to wait.
+If you're late, you will be too late.
+%
+If you're feeling good, don't worry,
+you'll get over it.
+%
+If you're wondering if you have enough money to take
+the family out to eat tonight, you don't.
+%
+If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot
+plugged in, you did.
+%
+If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up
+bread and eggs on the way home, you do.
+%
+If you're wondering if you took the meat out to
+thaw, you didn't.
+%
+If you're worried about being crazy,
+don't be overly concerned:
+If you were, you would think you were sane.
+%
+If you've got them by the balls,
+their hearts and minds will follow.
+%
+Ignorance should be painful.
+%
+Important letters which contain no errors will develop
+errors in the mail.
+%
+In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the
+organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law,
+the Peter Principle, etc.
+%
+In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book,
+the most vital measurement will be illegible.
+%
+In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level,
+the greater the confusion.
+%
+In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies
+inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty
+of the task.
+%
+In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine
+times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor
+where you are not.
+%
+In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend
+more and more time reporting on the less and less you
+are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of
+your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
+%
+In any dealings with a collective body of people, the
+people will always be more tacky than originally expected.
+%
+In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level
+of incompetence, and then remains there.
+%
+In any household, junk accumulates to the space
+available for its storage.
+%
+In any organization there will always be one person
+who knows what is going on.
+This person must be fired.
+%
+In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur
+at the opposite end to the end at which you begin
+checking for errors.
+%
+In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
+%
+In order for something to become clean, something
+else must become dirty.
+... but you can get everything dirty without getting
+anything clean.
+%
+In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
+%
+Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
+%
+Indecision is the basis for flexibility.
+%
+Indifference is the only sure defense.
+%
+Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies.
+%
+Information travels more surely to those with a
+lesser need to know.
+%
+Inside every large program
+is a small program struggling to get out.
+%
+Interchangeable parts --- won't.
+%
+It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
+%
+It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick
+up something from the floor while you get up.
+%
+It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex
+task to make them simple.
+%
+It is better for civilization to be going down the drain,
+than to be coming up it.
+%
+It is better to be part of the idle rich class
+than be part of the idle poor class.
+%
+It is better to solve a problem with a crude
+approximation and know the truth, than to demand an
+exact solution and not know the truth at all.
+%
+It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
+%
+It is far better to do nothing than to do
+something efficiently.
+ -- Siezbo
+%
+It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly
+surprised.
+%
+It is impossible to build a fool proof system;
+because fools are so ingenious.
+%
+It is ok to be ignorant in some areas,
+but some people abuse the privilege.
+%
+It takes longer to glue a vase together than to
+break one.
+%
+It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than
+to gain 'x' number of pounds.
+%
+It the shoe fits, it's ugly.
+%
+It works better if you plug it in.
+%
+It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time.
+%
+It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
+ -- Alex Clark
+%
+It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is
+from the top.
+%
+It's better to retire too soon than too late.
+%
+It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one
+who's redundant.
+%
+Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet
+somebody moves the ends!
+%
+Just because you are paranoid
+doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you.
+%
+Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
+doesn't mean he knows what it is.
+%
+Just when you get really good at something,
+you don't need to do it anymore.
+%
+Justice always prevails...
+three times out of seven.
+%
+Keep emotionally active,
+cater to your favorite neurosis.
+%
+King Arthur ran the first knight club.
+%
+Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ...
+you have to blow your nose.
+%
+Law expands in proportion to the resources available
+for its enforcement.
+%
+Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
+%
+Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!!
+%
+Leakproof seals --- will.
+%
+Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
+%
+Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
+%
+Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
+%
+Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to
+lick it.
+%
+Liquidity tends to run out.
+%
+Live within your income,
+even if you have to borrow to do so.
+%
+Magellan was the first strait man.
+%
+Make it possible for programmers to write programs
+in English and you will find that programmers cannot
+write in English.
+%
+Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will
+establish yourself as an expert.
+%
+Management can't.
+%
+Mass man must be serviced by mass means.
+%
+Misery no longer loves company
+nowadays it insists on it.
+%
+Most people want to be delivered from temptation but
+would like it to keep in touch.
+%
+Most projects require three hands.
+%
+Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any
+function adequately.
+%
+Murphy's rule for precision:
+ Measure with a micrometer
+ Mark with chalk
+ Cut with an axe
+%
+Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
+%
+Nature is a mother.
+%
+Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
+%
+Never admit anything.
+Never regret anything
+whatever it is, you're not responsible.
+%
+Never argue with a fool,
+people might not know the difference.
+%
+Never argue with an artist.
+%
+Never be first to do anything.
+%
+Never create a problem for which you do not have
+the answer.
+%
+Never eat prunes when you are famished.
+%
+Never get excited about a blind date because of how
+it sounds over the phone.
+%
+Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
+ -- Erma Bombeck
+%
+Never insult an alligator
+until after you have crossed the river.
+%
+Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold
+of something else.
+%
+Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
+%
+Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
+%
+Never offend people with style
+when you can offend them with substance.
+%
+Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger.
+%
+Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
+%
+Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
+%
+Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
+%
+Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
+%
+Never test for an error condition you don't know
+how to handle.
+%
+Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig
+likes it!
+%
+New systems generate new problems.
+%
+No experiment is ever a complete failure.
+It can always be used as a bad example.
+%
+No good deed goes unpunished.
+ -- Clare Boothe Luce
+%
+No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets,
+with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the
+first.
+%
+No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
+%
+No matter how large the work space, if two projects
+must be done at the same time they will require the
+same part of the work space.
+%
+No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after
+you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
+%
+No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end
+up covered with grease and motor oil.
+%
+No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock
+once you have reached the furthest point from port
+the wind will die.
+%
+No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody
+who knew it would.
+%
+No matter what happens, there is always somebody
+who knew that it would.
+%
+No matter what they're talking about, they're
+talking about money.
+%
+No matter what they're telling you, they're not
+telling you the whole truth.
+%
+No matter which direction you start,
+it's always against the wind coming back.
+%
+No news is ... impossible.
+%
+No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made
+but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones.
+%
+No one's life, liberty, or property are safe
+while the legislature is in session.
+%
+No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug
+a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even
+harder to find.
+%
+Nobody notices when things go right.
+%
+Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls.
+%
+Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
+%
+Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
+%
+Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
+%
+Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by
+firing the coach.
+%
+Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
+%
+Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have
+to do it himself/herself.
+%
+Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception
+of discount-priced fruitcakes.
+%
+Of two possible events,
+only the undesired one will occur.
+%
+Office machines which function perfectly during normal
+business hours will break down when you return to the
+office at night to use them for personal business.
+%
+Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
+%
+Old programmers never die - they just abend.
+%
+On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone
+can be unhappy -- but we will work on it.
+%
+On a clear disk, you can seek forever.
+%
+On successive charts of the same organization, the number of
+boxes will never decrease.
+%
+Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it
+only makes it worse.
+%
+One man's error is another man's data.
+%
+One place where you're sure to find the perfect
+driver is in the back seat.
+%
+Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
+%
+Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.
+%
+Only errors exist.
+%
+Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune
+moment.
+%
+Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting.
+
+Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy.
+%
+Our customers' paperwork is profit.
+Our own paperwork is loss.
+%
+People are promoted not by what they can do, but what
+people think they can do.
+%
+People can be divided into three groups:
+Those who make things happen,
+Those who watch things happen and
+Those who wonder what happened.
+%
+People don't change; they only become more so.
+%
+People in systems do not do what the systems say
+they are doing.
+%
+People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
+remind them of someone else.
+%
+People who love sausage and respect the law should
+never watch either one being made.
+%
+People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell
+them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
+%
+People will believe anything if you whisper it.
+%
+People will buy anything that is one to a customer.
+%
+Performance is directly affected by the perversity of
+inanimate objects.
+%
+Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over
+experience.
+%
+Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional
+and employ faulty reasoning.
+%
+Pills to be taken in twos always come
+out of the bottle in threes.
+%
+Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition!
+%
+Possessions increase to fill the space available for
+their storage.
+%
+Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability
+of the programmer who must maintain it.
+%
+Program design philosophy:
+
+ Start at the beginning and continue until the end,
+ then stop.
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is
+wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing
+a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
+%
+Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
+%
+Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary
+drivel off the TV screen.
+%
+Quit while you're still behind.
+%
+RACF is a four letter word.
+%
+Real programmers always have a better idea.
+%
+Real programmers are kind to rookies.
+%
+Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code,
+which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.
+%
+Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a
+matter of principle.
+%
+Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and
+binary math in their heads.
+%
+Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP
+situations.
+%
+Real programmers do not document.
+Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or
+object code.
+%
+Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the
+vending machines.
+%
+Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before
+walkthroughs.
+%
+Real programmers do not read books like
+"effective listening" and "communication skills".
+%
+Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated
+decibel level.
+%
+Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers.
+%
+Real programmers don't announce how many times the
+operations department called them last night.
+%
+Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard
+to write, it should be hard to understand.
+%
+Real programmers don't dress for success unless
+they are trying to convince others that they are
+going on interviews.
+%
+Real programmers don't eat muffins.
+%
+Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real
+programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat
+Twinkies and szechuan food.
+%
+Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages
+of Cobol when they don't know any other language.
+%
+Real programmers don't notch their desks for each
+completed service request.
+%
+Real programmers don't number paragraph names
+consecutively.
+%
+Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport
+that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is
+O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work
+in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle
+of the machine room.
+%
+Real programmers don't play video games, they write them.
+%
+Real programmers don't write applications programs; they
+program right down on the bare metal. Application
+programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
+%
+Real programmers don't write COBOL.
+COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.
+%
+Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no
+programmers write in Basic after age 12.
+%
+Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or
+any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong
+typing is for people with weak memories.
+%
+Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for
+programmers who can't decide whether to write in
+COBOL or Fortran.
+%
+Real programmers don't write memos.
+%
+Real programmers don't write specs -- users should
+consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and
+take what they get.
+%
+Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will
+always seem tense and overworked.
+%
+Real programmers have read the standards manual
+but won't admit it.
+%
+Real programmers know it's not operations'
+fault if their jobs go into "hogs".
+%
+Real programmers know what saad means.
+%
+Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real
+programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they
+were up all night.
+%
+Real programmers print only clean compiles,
+fixing all errors through the terminal.
+%
+Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But
+if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into
+working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
+%
+Real programmers punch up their own programs.
+%
+Real programmers understand Pascal.
+%
+Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure
+%
+Return on investments won't.
+%
+Roses are red violets are blue
+I am schizophrenic and so am I
+%
+Sale promotions don't.
+%
+Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
+%
+Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
+%
+Security isn't.
+%
+Self starters --- won't.
+%
+Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll
+show you somebody who's never achieved much.
+%
+Simple jobs always get put off because there will be
+time to do them later.
+%
+Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink,
+some prefer to just gargle.
+%
+Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book
+is in print.
+%
+Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
+%
+Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and
+for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway.
+%
+Success can be insured only by devising a defense against
+failure of the contingency plan.
+%
+Superiority is recessive.
+%
+Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied.
+%
+Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach.
+%
+Talent in staff work or sales will continually be
+interpreted as managerial ability.
+%
+Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
+%
+That component of any circuit which has the shortest
+service life will be placed in the least
+accessible location.
+%
+The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely
+proportional to the subject's true value.
+%
+The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number
+and experience of the people you have on board.
+%
+The best shots are generally attempted through the
+lens cap.
+%
+The best shots happen immediately after the last
+frame is exposed.
+%
+The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal
+the letter.
+%
+The best way to lie is to tell the truth.....
+carefully edited truth.
+%
+The big guys always win.
+%
+The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
+%
+The boss who attempts to impress employees with his
+knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his
+final objective.
+%
+The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered
+side down is directly proportional to the cost of the
+carpet.
+%
+The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely
+proportional to the number of other people who are in
+a position to do it instead.
+%
+The chief cause of problems is solutions.
+ -- Eric Sevareid
+%
+The client who pays the least complains the most
+%
+The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the
+more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of
+the situation.
+%
+The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week
+after you've made your purchase:
+
+(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable".
+(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy".
+%
+The cream rises to the top.
+So does the scum.
+%
+The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by
+the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file.
+%
+The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs.
+%
+The distance to the gate is inversely proportional
+to the time available to catch your flight.
+%
+The early worm deserves the bird.
+%
+The easiest way to find something lost around the house
+is to buy a replacement.
+%
+The faster the plane,
+the narrower the seats.
+%
+The feasibility of an operation is not the best
+indication for its performance.
+%
+The final test is when it goes production ...
+w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ...
+w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t
+w h e n i t g o e s p r o
+%
+The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the
+time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
+%
+The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly
+in front of your eyes.
+%
+The first insurance agent was David -
+he gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
+%
+The first myth of management is that it exists
+the second myth of management is that success equals skill.
+%
+The first page the author turns to upon receiving an
+advance copy will be the page containing the worst
+error.
+%
+The first place to look for anything is the last place
+you would expect to find it.
+%
+The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to
+save all of the parts.
+%
+The first time is for love.
+The next time is $200.
+%
+The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the
+greater the number of dead and injured required for it
+to become a story.
+%
+The further you are from the facts of a situation,
+the more you tend to believe news coverage of the
+situation.
+%
+The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation,
+the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even
+if it subsequently becomes irrelevant.
+%
+The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached
+to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
+%
+The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
+%
+The higher the level of prestige accorded the people
+behind the plan, the least less chance there is of
+abandoning it.
+%
+The inside contact that you have developed at great
+expense is the first person to be let go in any
+reorganization.
+%
+The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in
+will be taken by the person in front of you.
+%
+The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found
+in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting.
+%
+The last person who quit or was fired will be held
+responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until
+the next person quits or is fired.
+%
+The least experienced fisherman always catches the
+biggest fish.
+%
+The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
+to the amount spent on the wedding.
+%
+The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely
+with its price and directly with its ugliness.
+%
+The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva
+nuisance, especially if you're using the tunnel
+as a darkroom.
+%
+The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of
+an oncoming train.
+%
+The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train.
+%
+The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
+but the calf won't get much sleep.
+%
+The longer the title the less important the job.
+%
+The longer you wait in line, the greater the
+likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
+%
+The love letter you finally got the courage to send
+will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to
+make a fool of yourself in person.
+%
+The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of
+someone he can blame it on.
+%
+The man who has no more problems is out of the game.
+%
+The meek shall inherit the earth,
+but not its mineral rights.
+%
+The meek will inherit the earth
+after the rest of us go to the stars.
+%
+The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the
+waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for
+your scheduled appointment.
+%
+The more carefully you plan a project, the more
+confusion there is when something goes wrong.
+%
+The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the
+greater the chance of failure.
+%
+The more directives you issue to solve a problem,
+the worse it gets.
+%
+The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater
+the chance of having to stop at the fish market
+on the way home.
+%
+The more expensive the gadget, the less often you
+will use it.
+%
+The more general the title of a course, the less
+you will learn from it.
+%
+The more ridiculous a belief system,
+the higher probability of its success.
+%
+The more specific the title of a course, the less you
+will be able to apply it later.
+%
+The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure
+you are as to which answer they want.
+%
+The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal
+the greater the chance your guests will spend the entire
+meal discussing other meals they have had.
+%
+The most important item in an order will no longer
+be available.
+%
+The most interesting specimen will not be labeled.
+%
+The most valuable quotation will be the one for which
+you cannot determine the source.
+%
+The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.
+%
+The mountain looks closer than it is.
+%
+The one course you must take to graduate will not be
+offered during your last semester.
+%
+The one day you'd sell your soul for something,
+souls are a glut.
+%
+The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store
+to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to.
+%
+The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
+%
+The one time in the day that you lean back and relax
+is the one time the boss walks through the office.
+%
+The one who least wants to play is the one who will win.
+%
+The one who snores will fall asleep first.
+%
+The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one
+missing from the tool chest.
+%
+The one you want is never the one on sale.
+%
+The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo.
+%
+The only new TV show worth watching will be canceled.
+%
+The only way to make up for being lost is to make
+record time while you are lost.
+%
+The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
+%
+The organization of any program reflects the organization
+of the people who developed it.
+%
+The other line always moves faster.
+%
+The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk
+to the other end of the building.
+%
+The pills to be taken with meals will be the least
+appetizing ones.
+%
+The primary function of the design engineer is to make
+things difficult for the fabricator and impossible
+for the serviceman.
+%
+The probability of a cat eating its dinner has
+absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food
+placed before it.
+%
+The probability of anything happening is in
+inverse ratio to its desirability.
+%
+The probability of meeting someone you know increases
+when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
+%
+The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss
+to go in or out is directly proportional to the number
+and importance of your dinner guests.
+%
+The quality of correlation is inversely proportional
+to the density of control.
+%
+The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to
+try on a new shirt.
+%
+The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle
+to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
+%
+The radiologists' national flower is the hedge.
+%
+The ratio of time involved in work to time available for
+work is usually about 0.6
+%
+The repairman will never have seen a model quite like
+yours before.
+%
+The road to hell is paved with good intentions
+and littered with sloppy analyses!
+%
+The rotten egg will be the one you break into the
+cake batter.
+%
+The scratch on the record is always through the song
+you like most.
+%
+The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake
+that you've got it made.
+%
+The severity of an itch is inversely proportional
+to the reach.
+%
+The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the
+more difficult it will be to open the package.
+%
+The six steps of program management are:
+(1) Wild enthusiasm
+(2) Disenchantment
+(3) Total confusion
+(4) Search for guilty
+(5) Punishment for the innocent
+(6) Promotion of the non-participants
+%
+The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out
+lane.
+%
+The source for an unattributed quotation will appear
+in the most hostile review of your work.
+%
+The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional
+to the length of the passing zone.
+%
+The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on
+the other side.
+%
+The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of
+junk food available.
+%
+The success of any venture will be helped by prayer,
+even in the wrong denomination.
+%
+The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
+%
+The system itself does not do what it says it is doing.
+%
+The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque,
+campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies
+directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke.
+%
+The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his
+subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
+%
+The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing
+season draws nearer.
+%
+The time it takes to rectify a situation is
+inversely proportional to the time it took
+to do the damage.
+%
+The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted.
+%
+The TV show you've been looking forward to all week
+will be preempted.
+%
+The usefulness of any meeting
+is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
+%
+The value of a program is proportional
+to the weight of its output.
+%
+The worse your line is tangled, the better is the
+fishing around you.
+%
+The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there.
+%
+The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you
+get back.
+%
+Them what gets--has.
+%
+There are no winners in life: Only survivors.
+%
+There are some things which are impossible to know -
+but it is impossible to know these things.
+%
+There are three ways to get things done:
+ (1) Do it yourself,
+ (2) Hire someone to do it, or
+ (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
+%
+There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't
+stay on and that which won't come off.
+%
+There is a solution to every problem;
+the only difficulty is finding it.
+%
+There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry.
+%
+There is always one more bug.
+%
+There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
+%
+There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist",
+only a capitalist.
+%
+There is no such thing as a straight line.
+%
+There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
+%
+There's never time to do it right, but there's always
+time to do it over.
+%
+There's no time like the present for postponing
+what you don't want to do.
+%
+Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
+%
+Things get worse under pressure.
+%
+This space for rent.
+%
+Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.
+%
+Those with the best advice offer no advice.
+%
+Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion
+to time spent preparing it.
+%
+To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is
+even more human.
+%
+To err is human, but to really foul things up requires
+a computer.
+%
+To err is human, to forgive is divine --
+but to forget it altogether is humane.
+%
+To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
+%
+To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
+%
+To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job
+will take the longest and cost the most.
+%
+Trial balances don't.
+%
+Truth is elastic.
+%
+Unless the results are known in advance, funding
+agencies will reject the proposal.
+%
+Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man
+in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially
+not symbolically.
+%
+Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation
+for being useful.
+%
+Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by
+spontaneously moving from where you left them to where
+you can't find them.
+%
+Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.
+%
+Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
+%
+"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer than watching
+one overhead.
+%
+Whatever can go to New York, will.
+%
+Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will
+come in on another one.
+%
+Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest
+number must happen.
+%
+Whatever happens to you, it will previously have
+happened to everyone you know only more so.
+%
+Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
+%
+Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch.
+%
+When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman,
+it will work perfectly.
+%
+When a distinguished scientist states something is possible,
+he is almost certainly right. When he states that
+something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
+%
+When a student asks for a second time if you have read
+his book report, he did not read the book.
+%
+When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does
+not understand, his work will be understood only by
+readers who know more about that subject than he does.
+%
+When all else fails, read the instructions.
+%
+When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation,
+responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom.
+%
+When in doubt, don't mumble, overexpose ... then mumble.
+%
+When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
+%
+When in doubt, mumble.
+When in trouble, delegate.
+When in charge, ponder.
+%
+When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.
+%
+When in trouble, obfuscate.
+%
+When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
+%
+When more and more people are thrown out of work,
+unemployment results.
+%
+When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used
+interchangeably.
+%
+When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough
+the public will not have enough stake in any one
+expenditure to squelch it.
+%
+When properly administered, vacations do not diminish
+productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing
+done, there is another week when your boss is away and you
+get twice as much done.
+%
+When putting it into memory, remember where you put it.
+%
+When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most
+important ones will be illegible.
+%
+When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it
+around instead of picking it up.
+%
+When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
+ -- Lynch
+%
+When the government bureau's remedies do not match your
+problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
+%
+When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you
+becomes a hammer.
+%
+When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system
+will perform perfectly.
+%
+When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
+%
+When things are going well, someone will inevitably
+experiment detrimentally.
+%
+When things are going well, something will go wrong.
+When things just can't get any worse, they will.
+When things appear to be going better you have overlooked
+something.
+%
+When traveling overseas, the exchange rate improves
+markedly the day after one has purchased foreign
+currency.
+
+Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as
+soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency.
+%
+When we try to pick out anything by itself we find
+it hitched to everything else in the universe.
+%
+When working toward the solution of a problem,
+it always helps if you know the answer.
+Provided of course you know there is a problem.
+%
+When you are able to schedule two classes in a row,
+they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of
+the campus.
+%
+When you are right be logical,
+when you are wrong be-fuddle.
+%
+When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty
+to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.
+%
+When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's
+sad to know that only one is called the happy hour.
+%
+When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal
+%
+When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
+%
+When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the
+world's composed of aluminum and vinyl.
+%
+When your opponent is down, kick him.
+%
+When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn
+green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.
+%
+Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team,
+he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless
+no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.
+%
+Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a
+need for them an hour later.
+%
+Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.
+%
+Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today!
+%
+Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet
+reached their level of incompetence.
+%
+Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the
+water that keeps it green.
+%
+Workers won't.
+%
+Working capital doesn't.
+%
+Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the
+first objective of communication -- informing
+the uninformed.
+%
+You are always complimented on the item which took the
+least effort to prepare.
+
+Example:
+ If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be
+ complimented on the baked potato.
+%
+You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without
+holding on.
+%
+You can always find what you're not looking for.
+%
+You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
+float on his back, you've really got something.
+%
+You can never do just one thing.
+ -- Hardin
+%
+You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill
+how hard?
+Hard enough to make water run uphill.
+%
+You can't expect to hit the jackpot
+if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
+%
+You can't fix it if it ain't broke.
+%
+You can't guard against the arbitrary.
+%
+You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
+%
+You don't have to be crazy to work here
+but it sure helps!!!!!!!
+%
+You may be recognized soon.
+Hide!
+If they find you, lie.
+%
+You may know where the market is going, but you can't
+possibly know where it's going after that.
+%
+You never have the right number of pills left on the
+last day of a prescription.
+%
+You never know who's right, but you always know
+who's in charge.
+%
+You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to
+be an average consumer.
+%
+You will always find something in the last place you look.
+%
+You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash
+when the garbage truck is two doors away.
+%
+You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you
+don't burn your bridges until you come to them.
+%
+You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you
+gotta suit up for them all.
+%
--- /dev/null
+%%$FreeBSD$
+%
+All probabilities are 50%: either a thing will
+happen or it won't.
+
+This is especially true when dealing with women.
+
+Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
+%
+Early to rise and early to bed makes a male
+healthy and wealthy and dead.
+%
+It's always the wrong time of the month.
+%
+Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
+%
+One's life tends to be like a beaver's,
+one dam thing after another.
+%
+Pity the poor egg;
+It only gets laid once in its life.
+%
+Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on
+Sunday pray for crop failure.
+%
+When you're up to your nose in shit,
+be sure to keep your mouth shut.
+%
+You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
+%
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+abend
+ACF
+barbeque
+Carroll
+Chevrolets
+countercan't
+crabgrass
+DP
+feebs
+Freud's
+fruitcakes
+gotta
+headlamp
+IQ
+IRS
+l'orange
+MCP
+Murphy's
+paranoids
+plumber's
+postmortems
+Poul
+profanities
+RACF
+radiologists
+roccoco
+saad
+Siezbo
+simps
+Souffles
+subordinate's
+superstar
+szechuan
+Twinkies
+walkthroughs
--- /dev/null
+%% $FreeBSD$
+%
+ "... freedom ... is a worship word..."
+ "It is our worship word too."
+ -- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+ "Beauty is transitory."
+ "Beauty survives."
+ -- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+ "Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
+with jealousy, greed, hate ..."
+ "It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness,
+sentiment -- the other side of the coin"
+ -- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk,
+ "What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4
+%
+ "Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
+ "Or by misleading the innocent."
+ -- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
+ stardate 5029.5.
+%
+ "Get back to your stations!"
+ "We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
+ -- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise",
+ stardate 3417.3
+%
+ "I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now
+on war and death --"
+ "And make them spend it on life."
+ -- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
+ stardate unknown.
+%
+ "It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
+felt can do so much harm."
+ "That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's
+what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."
+ -- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
+%
+ "Life and death are seldom logical."
+ "But attaining a desired goal always is."
+ -- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
+%
+ "Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
+ "You admit that?"
+ "To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
+ -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
+%
+ "No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
+ "He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
+ -- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
+ stardate 5906.5.
+%
+ "That unit is a woman."
+ "A mass of conflicting impulses."
+ -- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
+%
+ "The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
+ "Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
+ -- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+ "The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
+ "And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and
+beauty."
+ -- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock,
+ "Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8
+%
+ "The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy. Emotionally
+healthy."
+ "That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy
+release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
+ -- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
+%
+ "There's only one kind of woman ..."
+ "Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or
+you don't."
+ -- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
+%
+ "We have the right to survive!"
+ "Not by killing others."
+ -- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
+%
+ "What a terrible way to die."
+ "There are no good ways."
+ -- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+ "What happened to the crewman?"
+ "The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely
+got in the way."
+ -- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
+ stardate 4731.3.
+%
+... bacteriological warfare ... hard to believe we were once foolish
+enough to play around with that.
+ -- McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when they get
+to know each other.
+ -- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
+%
+... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
+miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
+failures and the glorious victories.
+ -- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
+%
+A father doesn't destroy his children.
+ -- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?",
+ stardate 3468.1.
+%
+A little suffering is good for the soul.
+ -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
+%
+A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and
+licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
+ -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
+%
+A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect
+her.
+ -- McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3
+%
+A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even
+his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
+ -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without
+breathing.
+ -- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
+%
+A woman should have compassion.
+ -- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
+%
+Actual war is a very messy business. Very, very messy business.
+ -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
+%
+After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,
+after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true.
+ -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
+ -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
+%
+Another Armenia, Belgium ... the weak innocents who always seem to be
+located on a natural invasion route.
+ -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4
+%
+Another dream that failed. There's nothing sadder.
+ -- Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
+%
+Another war ... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost
+in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ...
+ -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
+ -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+Blast medicine anyway! We've learned to tie into every organ in the
+human body but one. The brain! The brain is what life is all about.
+ -- McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
+%
+But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected ... we may not be
+able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a
+dent in it.
+ -- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
+%
+Change is the essential process of all existence.
+ -- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
+%
+Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had. Maybe it's
+the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
+ -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to
+serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one
+man. And nothing can replace it or him.
+ -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
+%
+Conquest is easy. Control is not.
+ -- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
+%
+Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about.
+That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
+ -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
+%
+Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
+ -- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
+%
+Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the
+whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel
+like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels?
+ -- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
+%
+Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
+her by ..." You could feel the wind at your back, about you ... the
+sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and
+the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours ... you can feel her
+... and the stars are still there.
+ -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
+%
+[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers
+-- the living and the dying.
+ -- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
+%
+Each kiss is as the first.
+ -- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome",
+ stardate 4842.6
+%
+Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
+ -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
+%
+Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not.
+ -- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
+%
+Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist.
+ -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
+%
+Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same
+mistakes.
+ -- John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
+%
+Every living thing wants to survive.
+ -- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
+ -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
+%
+Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
+ -- Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
+ -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
+First study the enemy. Seek weakness.
+ -- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
+ -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say,
+"Today I will be brilliant."
+ -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+He's dead, Jim
+ -- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
+%
+History tends to exaggerate.
+ -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
+ -- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6
+%
+I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become
+greater than the sum of both of us.
+ -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to
+any question.
+ -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
+%
+I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without
+constructive purpose.
+ -- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
+I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
+circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
+nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever
+logically needs to be done.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
+%
+I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right,
+they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel
+it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
+ -- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still
+tend to protect that child.
+ -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
+ -- Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
+ -- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
+%
+If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
+ -- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
+%
+I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth.
+ -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
+%
+I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+Immortality consists largely of boredom.
+ -- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even
+vegetarians.
+ -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
+%
+Insufficient facts always invite danger.
+ -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
+ -- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
+%
+Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
+ -- Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
+%
+Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the
+learning of each other?
+ -- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
+ Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.3.
+%
+Is truth not truth for all?
+ -- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
+ the Sky", stardate 5476.4.
+%
+It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is
+logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for
+personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
+ -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if
+they're attractive in some way.
+ -- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
+%
+It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+It is necessary to have purpose.
+ -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not
+hers.
+ -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.
+ -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.3
+%
+It would be illogical to kill without reason
+ -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted
+ -- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise.
+ -- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
+%
+Killing is stupid; useless!
+ -- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+Killing is wrong.
+ -- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
+%
+Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
+ -- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+Landru! Guide us!
+ -- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
+%
+Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
+ -- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+Live long and prosper.
+ -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
+ -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
+ stardate unknown
+%
+Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
+ -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3
+%
+Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.
+ -- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
+%
+Many Myths are based on truth
+ -- Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3
+%
+Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.
+ -- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
+%
+Men of peace usually are [brave].
+ -- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
+ -- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8
+%
+Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
+ -- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4
+%
+Most legends have their basis in facts.
+ -- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
+%
+Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
+ -- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
+%
+No more blah, blah, blah!
+ -- Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6
+%
+No one can guarantee the actions of another.
+ -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.
+ -- Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
+%
+No one wants war.
+ -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
+%
+No problem is insoluble.
+ -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
+%
+Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
+ -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
+ -- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow",
+ stardate 4770.3.
+%
+Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and
+it's still the same song.
+ -- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
+%
+On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy. To me, it
+is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
+instead of saving it.
+ -- Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2
+%
+One does not thank logic.
+ -- Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for
+advice without necessarily having to take it.
+ -- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2
+%
+Only a fool fights in a burning house.
+ -- Kang the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, it
+is only because we have no choice.
+ -- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
+%
+Our way is peace.
+ -- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses",
+ stardate 4040.7.
+%
+Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.
+ -- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
+%
+Peace was the way.
+ -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
+%
+Power is danger.
+ -- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
+ -- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever",
+ stardate unknown
+%
+Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become
+insensitive.
+ -- Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
+%
+Respect is a rational process
+ -- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated to
+pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
+ -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident",
+ stardate 5027.3
+%
+Schshschshchsch.
+ -- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2
+%
+Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
+ -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
+%
+Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
+ -- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
+ stardate unknown.
+%
+Star Trek Lives!
+%
+Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
+ -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8
+%
+Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
+ -- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal
+than to kill.
+ -- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiar
+pattern. We don't fear it as you do.
+ -- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
+ stardate 4041.2
+%
+The heart is not a logical organ.
+ -- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
+%
+The idea of male and female are universal constants.
+ -- Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
+ -- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8
+%
+The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often
+a noose.
+ -- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2818.9
+%
+The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of
+play.
+ -- Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8
+%
+The only solution is ... a balance of power. We arm our side with
+exactly that much more. A balance of power -- the trickiest, most
+difficult, dirtiest game of them all. But the only one that preserves
+both sides.
+ -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. That
+the love of life is the greatest gift ... We are incapable of
+destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so
+deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
+ -- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
+%
+The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
+ -- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
+%
+The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
+ -- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
+%
+There are always alternatives.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+There are certain things men must do to remain men.
+ -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4
+%
+There are some things worth dying for.
+ -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
+%
+There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face
+.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves
+as gods.
+ -- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
+%
+There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
+ -- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
+%
+There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's
+life, he is grateful.
+ -- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War",
+ stardate 4211.8.
+%
+There is an order of things in this universe.
+ -- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
+%
+There's a way out of any cage.
+ -- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
+ stardate unknown.
+%
+There's another way to survive. Mutual trust -- and help.
+ -- Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is
+nothing good in war. Except its ending.
+ -- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
+%
+There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another
+life form, that's all. You get used to those things.
+ -- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
+%
+This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
+realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
+ -- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
+%
+Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not
+stopped.
+ -- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
+%
+Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
+ -- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
+%
+To live is always desirable.
+ -- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9
+%
+Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
+ -- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
+%
+Totally illogical, there was no chance.
+ -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
+%
+Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages. And we can all
+be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
+ -- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
+%
+Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
+ -- Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
+%
+Virtue is a relative term.
+ -- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1
+%
+Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
+ -- Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
+%
+Vulcans do not approve of violence.
+ -- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
+%
+Vulcans never bluff.
+ -- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1
+%
+Vulcans worship peace above all.
+ -- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
+%
+Wait! You have not been prepared!
+ -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
+%
+[War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human
+beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we
+can stop it. We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
+to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to
+kill today!
+ -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
+%
+War is never imperative.
+ -- McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
+%
+War isn't a good life, but it's life.
+ -- Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
+%
+We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for
+us.
+ -- Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
+%
+We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of
+peaceful contact.
+ -- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3
+%
+We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior
+development.
+ -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7
+%
+We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
+ -- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
+%
+We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong
+should live.
+ -- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
+%
+We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
+But when it comes to your job -- that's different. And it always will
+be different.
+ -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
+%
+What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
+ -- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis",
+ stardate 3219.8
+%
+When a child is taught ... it's programmed with simple instructions --
+and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of
+what it was taught, thinks independently.
+ -- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer",
+ stardate 4731.3.
+%
+When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,
+building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left
+behind by your ancestors. You just sit living and reliving other lives
+left behind in the thought records.
+ -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
+%
+Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
+ -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
+%
+Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya!
+ -- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
+%
+Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely on
+your human intuition.
+ -- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
+%
+Without followers, evil cannot spread.
+ -- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
+%
+Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
+ -- Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
+%
+Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more
+sheer horror than the male of the species.
+ -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
+%
+Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
+ -- Dr. Elizabeth Dehner, "Where No Man Has Gone Before",
+ stardate 1312.9.
+%
+Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a
+woman.
+ -- Kirk, "Conscience of the King", stardate unknown
+%
+Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a
+woman.
+ -- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
+%
+Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil.
+ -- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
+%
+You! What PLANET is this?!
+ -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
+%
+You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in
+command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
+ -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
+%
+You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
+ -- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries. But
+you imprison those who employ it privately.
+ -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
+%
+You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you
+feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If
+the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
+ -- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
+%
+You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're
+welcome," I believe, is the correct response.
+ -- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
+%
+You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you
+are telling the truth. You cannot tell the truth because everything
+you say is a lie. You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for
+you lie.
+ -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
+%
+You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference between
+courage and foolhardiness. Always it is the brave ones who die, the
+soldiers.
+ -- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
+ stardate 3201.7
+%
+You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
+to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
+to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot.
+ -- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
+%
+You're dead, Jim.
+ -- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
+%
+You're dead, Jim.
+ -- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
+%
+You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman.
+ -- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
+%
+Youth doesn't excuse everything.
+ -- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder",
+ stardate 5928.5.
+%
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+Adonais
+Amanda
+Apella
+Archons
+Armenia
+Atoz
+Capellan
+Catspaw
+Centurion
+Changeling
+Claudius
+Corbomite
+Corby
+Daystrom
+Deela
+Elaan
+Eleen
+Eneg
+Excalbia
+Galileo
+Gorn
+Gothos
+Hag
+Hedford
+Hodin
+Kang
+Kanuto
+Kelinda
+Kelvan
+Klingon
+Klingons
+Kor
+Kras
+Landru
+Losira
+Lt
+McHuron
+Miramanee
+Miri
+Mulhall's
+Natira
+Nomad
+Nona
+Noonian
+Palamas
+Parmen
+Phillip
+Priestess
+Proconsul
+Requiem
+Rojan
+Romulan
+Sarek
+Sargon
+Schshschshchsch
+Septimus
+Singh
+Sirah
+Spectre
+Spock
+Spock's
+Stepchildren
+Sulu
+Surak
+Thalassa
+Tholian
+Tribbles
+Triskelion
+Troglytes
+Troyius
+Vanna
+Vina
+Yarnek
+Yonada
+Zefrem
+Zetar
+android
+backwash
+bacteriological
+blah
+deSalle
+oid
+stardate
+tactician
+ya
--- /dev/null
+%% $FreeBSD$
+%
+ Talking Pinhead Blues:
+Oh, I LOST my ``HELLO KITTY'' DOLL and I get BAD reception on channel
+ TWENTY-SIX!!
+
+Th'HOSTESS FACTORY is closin' down and I just heard ZASU PITTS has been
+ DEAD for YEARS.. (sniff)
+
+My PLATFORM SHOE collection was CHEWED up by th' dog, ALEXANDER HAIG
+ won't let me take a SHOWER 'til Easter ... (snurf)
+
+So I went to the kitchen, but WALNUT PANELING whup me upside mah HAID!!
+ (on no, no, no.. Heh, heh)
+%
+... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
+%
+... he dominates the DECADENT SUBWAY SCENE.
+%
+... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q.
+LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
+%
+... I don't like FRANK SINATRA or his CHILDREN.
+%
+... I have read the INSTRUCTIONS ...
+%
+-- I have seen the FUN --
+%
+-- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away
+now. I fed the cat.
+%
+... I see TOILET SEATS ...
+%
+... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common
+MISAPPREHENSIONS ...
+%
+... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!!
+%
+... I want FORTY-TWO TRYNEL FLOATATION SYSTEMS installed within
+SIX AND A HALF HOURS!!!
+%
+... ich bin in einem dusenjet ins jahr 53 vor chr ... ich lande im
+antiken Rom ... einige gladiatoren spielen scrabble ... ich rieche
+PIZZA ...
+%
+... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate
+man!!
+%
+... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM
+of a KOSHER DELI --
+%
+... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!
+%
+... Now, it's time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
+%
+... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last
+Tuesday?
+%
+... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
+OYSTER! Yum!
+%
+... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
+%
+... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
+%
+A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAQUIRI!!
+%
+A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!
+%
+A shapely CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL is FIDGETING inside my costume..
+%
+A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
+with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??
+%
+Actually, what I'd like is a little toy spaceship!!
+%
+All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
+by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
+%
+All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow
+a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know
+WHY!!
+%
+All of life is a blur of Republicans and meat!
+%
+All right, you degenerates! I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
+%
+All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!
+%
+Alright, you!! Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
+%
+Am I accompanied by a PARENT or GUARDIAN?
+%
+Am I elected yet?
+%
+Am I in GRADUATE SCHOOL yet?
+%
+Am I SHOPLIFTING?
+%
+America!! I saw it all!! Vomiting! Waving! JERRY FALWELLING into
+your void tube of UHF oblivion!! SAFEWAY of the mind ...
+%
+An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!!
+%
+An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
+%
+An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!
+%
+And furthermore, my bowling average is unimpeachable!!!
+%
+ANN JILLIAN'S HAIR makes LONI ANDERSON'S HAIR look like RICARDO
+MONTALBAN'S HAIR!
+%
+Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?
+%
+Are we live or on tape?
+%
+Are we on STRIKE yet?
+%
+Are we THERE yet?
+%
+Are we THERE yet? My MIND is a SUBMARINE!!
+%
+Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
+%
+Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
+%
+Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
+%
+As President I have to go vacuum my coin collection!
+%
+Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
+%
+BARBARA STANWYCK makes me nervous!!
+%
+Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
+But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!
+%
+BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
+WAY" I've ever heard!!
+%
+Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
+%
+BELA LUGOSI is my co-pilot ...
+%
+BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-BI-
+%
+Bo Derek ruined my life!
+%
+Boy, am I glad it's only 1971...
+%
+Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
+%
+But they went to MARS around 1953!!
+%
+But was he mature enough last night at the lesbian masquerade?
+%
+Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
+Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.
+%
+Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead?
+%
+Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
+%
+Catsup and Mustard all over the place! It's the Human Hamburger!
+%
+CHUBBY CHECKER just had a CHICKEN SANDWICH in downtown DULUTH!
+%
+Civilization is fun! Anyway, it keeps me busy!!
+%
+Clear the laundromat!! This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!
+%
+Concentrate on th'cute, li'l CARTOON GUYS! Remember the SERIAL
+NUMBERS!! Follow the WHIPPLE AVE. EXIT!! Have a FREE PEPSI!! Turn
+LEFT at th'HOLIDAY INN!! JOIN the CREDIT WORLD!! MAKE me an OFFER!!!
+%
+CONGRATULATIONS! Now should I make thinly veiled comments about
+DIGNITY, self-esteem and finding TRUE FUN in your RIGHT VENTRICLE??
+%
+Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRON ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds
+TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
+%
+Could I have a drug overdose?
+%
+Did an Italian CRANE OPERATOR just experience uninhibited sensations in
+a MALIBU HOT TUB?
+%
+Did I do an INCORRECT THING??
+%
+Did I say I was a sardine? Or a bus???
+%
+Did I SELL OUT yet??
+%
+Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
+%
+Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
+%
+DIDI ... is that a MARTIAN name, or, are we in ISRAEL?
+%
+Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
+%
+Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahyde pipeline running
+straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the
+dollar!
+%
+Do I have a lifestyle yet?
+%
+Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
+%
+Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
+%
+Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
+%
+Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
+%
+Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me?
+%
+does your DRESSING ROOM have enough ASPARAGUS?
+%
+DON'T go!! I'm not HOWARD COSELL!! I know POLISH JOKES ... WAIT!!
+Don't go!! I AM Howard Cosell! ... And I DON'T know Polish jokes!!
+%
+Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!
+%
+Don't SANFORIZE me!!
+%
+Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ...
+FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK
+STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS??
+%
+Edwin Meese made me wear CORDOVANS!!
+%
+Eisenhower!! Your mimeograph machine upsets my stomach!!
+%
+Either CONFESS now or we go to "PEOPLE'S COURT"!!
+%
+Everybody gets free BORSCHT!
+%
+Everybody is going somewhere!! It's probably a garage sale or a
+disaster Movie!!
+%
+Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ...
+%
+Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
+OFFSET PRINTING?
+%
+FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!
+%
+Finally, Zippy drives his 1958 RAMBLER METROPOLITAN into the faculty
+dining room.
+%
+First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ... So
+just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
+%
+FOOLED you! Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
+%
+for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!!
+%
+Four thousand different MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my
+gothic solarium!!
+%
+FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ...
+%
+FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
+%
+Gee, I feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my
+satellite dish PAYMENTS!
+%
+Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
+%
+Give them RADAR-GUIDED SKEE-BALL LANES and VELVEETA BURRITOS!!
+%
+Go on, EMOTE! I was RAISED on thought balloons!!
+%
+GOOD-NIGHT, everybody ... Now I have to go administer FIRST-AID to my
+pet LEISURE SUIT!!
+%
+HAIR TONICS, please!!
+%
+Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!
+%
+Hand me a pair of leather pants and a CASIO keyboard -- I'm living for
+today!
+%
+Has everybody got HALVAH spread all over their ANKLES?? ... Now, it's
+time to "HAVE A NAGEELA"!!
+%
+He is the MELBA-BEING ... the ANGEL CAKE ... XEROX him ... XEROX him --
+%
+He probably just wants to take over my CELLS and then EXPLODE inside me
+like a BARREL of runny CHOPPED LIVER! Or maybe he'd like to
+PSYCHOLOGICALLY TERRORISE ME until I have no objection to a RIGHT-WING
+MILITARY TAKEOVER of my apartment!! I guess I should call AL PACINO!
+%
+Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I
+guess ...
+%
+Hello. I know the divorce rate among unmarried Catholic Alaskan
+females!!
+%
+Hello... IRON CURTAIN? Send over a SAUSAGE PIZZA! World War III? No
+thanks!
+%
+Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES
+being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!!
+%
+HELLO, everybody, I'm a HUMAN!!
+%
+Hello, GORRY-O!! I'm a GENIUS from HARVARD!!
+%
+HELLO KITTY gang terrorizes town, family STICKERED to death!
+%
+Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample
+bottles ...
+%
+Here I am in 53 B.C. and all I want is a dill pickle!!
+%
+Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
+anywhere!!
+%
+Here we are in America ... when do we collect unemployment?
+%
+Hey, wait a minute!! I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
+%
+Hey, waiter! I want a NEW SHIRT and a PONY TAIL with lemon sauce!
+%
+Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some
+drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!!
+%
+Hmmm ... a CRIPPLED ACCOUNTANT with a FALAFEL sandwich is HIT by a
+TROLLEY-CAR ...
+%
+Hmmm ... A hash-singer and a cross-eyed guy were SLEEPING on a deserted
+island, when ...
+%
+Hmmm ... a PINHEAD, during an EARTHQUAKE, encounters an ALL-MIDGET
+FIDDLE ORCHESTRA ... ha ... ha ...
+%
+Hmmm ... an arrogant bouquet with a subtle suggestion of POLYVINYL
+CHLORIDE ...
+%
+Hold the MAYO & pass the COSMIC AWARENESS ...
+%
+HOORAY, Ronald!! Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
+%
+How do I get HOME?
+%
+How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions? It's th'
+MOUSTACHE ... Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY,
+HONESTY & WARMTH? It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce
+to NANCY SINATRA!
+%
+How many retired bricklayers from FLORIDA are out purchasing PENCIL
+SHARPENERS right NOW??
+%
+How's it going in those MODULAR LOVE UNITS??
+%
+How's the wife? Is she at home enjoying capitalism?
+%
+hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub, HUBUB, hubub, hubub, hubub.
+%
+HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!
+%
+HUMAN REPLICAS are inserted into VATS of NUTRITIONAL YEAST ...
+%
+I always have fun because I'm out of my mind!!!
+%
+I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut.
+%
+I am a traffic light, and Alan Ginzberg kidnapped my laundry in 1927!
+%
+I am covered with pure vegetable oil and I am writing a best seller!
+%
+I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST!
+%
+I am having FUN... I wonder if it's NET FUN or GROSS FUN?
+%
+I am NOT a nut....
+%
+I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
+%
+I brought my BOWLING BALL -- and some DRUGS!!
+%
+I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!
+%
+I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!! I wonder if BOB
+GUCCIONE has these problems!
+%
+I can't think about that. It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
+LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...
+%
+I demand IMPUNITY!
+%
+I didn't order any WOO-WOO ... Maybe a YUBBA ... But no WOO-WOO!
+%
+I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE ... I think it's all
+just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell
+more numbers!!
+%
+I don't know WHY I said that ... I think it came from the FILLINGS in
+my read molars ...
+%
+I don't understand the HUMOUR of the THREE STOOGES!!
+%
+I feel ... JUGULAR ...
+%
+I feel better about world problems now!
+%
+I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon!
+%
+I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV ...
+%
+I feel like I'm in a Toilet Bowl with a thumbtack in my forehead!!
+%
+I feel partially hydrogenated!
+%
+I fill MY industrial waste containers with old copies of the
+"WATCHTOWER" and then add HAWAIIAN PUNCH to the top ... They look NICE
+in the yard ...
+%
+I guess it was all a DREAM ... or an episode of HAWAII FIVE-O ...
+%
+I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
+%
+I had a lease on an OEDIPUS COMPLEX back in '81 ...
+%
+I had pancake makeup for brunch!
+%
+I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD
+%
+I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you.
+%
+I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!!
+%
+I have accepted Provolone into my life!
+%
+I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS..
+%
+I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ...
+%
+I have seen these EGG EXTENDERS in my Supermarket ... I have read the
+INSTRUCTIONS ...
+%
+I have the power to HALT PRODUCTION on all TEENAGE SEX COMEDIES!!
+%
+I HAVE to buy a new "DODGE MISER" and two dozen JORDACHE JEANS because
+my viewscreen is "USER-FRIENDLY"!!
+%
+I haven't been married in over six years, but we had sexual counseling
+every day from Oral Roberts!!
+%
+I hope I bought the right relish ... zzzzzzzzz ...
+%
+I hope something GOOD came in the mail today so I have a REASON to
+live!!
+%
+I hope the ``Eurythmics'' practice birth control ...
+%
+I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life
+savings in yeast!!
+%
+I invented skydiving in 1989!
+%
+I joined scientology at a garage sale!!
+%
+I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
+%
+I just got my PRINCE bumper sticker ... But now I can't remember WHO he
+is ...
+%
+I just had a NOSE JOB!!
+%
+I just had my entire INTESTINAL TRACT coated with TEFLON!
+%
+I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!! And I was just getting in touch
+with my LEISURE SUIT!!
+%
+I just remembered something about a TOAD!
+%
+I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW
+on the SIDE?
+%
+I Know A Joke
+%
+I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!!
+%
+I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!!
+%
+I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!!
+%
+I left my WALLET in the BATHROOM!!
+%
+I like the way ONLY their mouths move ... They look like DYING OYSTERS
+%
+I like your SNOOPY POSTER!!
+%
+I love ROCK 'N ROLL! I memorized the all WORDS to "WIPE-OUT" in
+1965!!
+%
+I need to discuss BUY-BACK PROVISIONS with at least six studio
+SLEAZEBALLS!!
+%
+I once decorated my apartment entirely in ten foot salad forks!!
+%
+I own seven-eighths of all the artists in downtown Burbank!
+%
+I put aside my copy of "BOWLING WORLD" and think about GUN CONTROL
+legislation..
+%
+I represent a sardine!!
+%
+I request a weekend in Havana with Phil Silvers!
+%
+I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"!
+%
+I smell a RANCID CORN DOG!
+%
+I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day!
+%
+I think I am an overnight sensation right now!!
+%
+I think I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STORY WINDOW while
+reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
+%
+I think my career is ruined!
+%
+I used to be a FUNDAMENTALIST, but then I heard about the HIGH
+RADIATION LEVELS and bought an ENCYCLOPEDIA!!
+%
+I want a VEGETARIAN BURRITO to go ... with EXTRA MSG!!
+%
+I want a WESSON OIL lease!!
+%
+I want another RE-WRITE on my CAESAR SALAD!!
+%
+I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n
+secure!!
+%
+I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.
+%
+I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
+and WHEAT THINS ...
+%
+I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
+%
+I want to perform cranial activities with Tuesday Weld!!
+%
+I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...
+%
+I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
+%
+I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
+... BACKWARDS!!
+%
+I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
+formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with
+me --
+%
+I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory before the sexual revolution!
+%
+I was making donuts and now I'm on a bus!
+%
+I wish I was a sex-starved manicurist found dead in the Bronx!!
+%
+I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog!
+%
+I wonder if BOB GUCCIONE has these problems!
+%
+I wonder if I could ever get started in the credit world?
+%
+I wonder if I ought to tell them about my PREVIOUS LIFE as a COMPLETE
+STRANGER?
+%
+I wonder if I should put myself in ESCROW!!
+%
+I wonder if there's anything GOOD on tonight?
+%
+I would like to urinate in an OVULAR, porcelain pool --
+%
+I'd like MY data-base JULIENNED and stir-fried!
+%
+I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE --
+%
+If a person is FAMOUS in this country, they have to go on the ROAD for
+MONTHS at a time and have their name misspelled on the SIDE of a
+GREYHOUND SCENICRUISER!!
+%
+If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old
+houseboy ...
+%
+If I am elected no one will ever have to do their laundry again!
+%
+If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
+replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!
+%
+If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!
+%
+If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!
+%
+If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!! Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
+%
+if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
+%
+If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
+%
+If Robert De Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry
+Bonzo??
+%
+I'll eat ANYTHING that's BRIGHT BLUE!!
+%
+I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
+%
+I'm a fuschia bowling ball somewhere in Brittany
+%
+I'm a GENIUS! I want to dispute sentence structure with SUSAN
+SONTAG!!
+%
+I'm a nuclear submarine under the polar ice cap and I need a Kleenex!
+%
+I'm also against BODY-SURFING!!
+%
+I'm also pre-POURED pre-MEDITATED and pre-RAPHAELITE!!
+%
+I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!
+%
+I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO
+MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"!
+%
+I'm continually AMAZED at th'breathtaking effects of WIND EROSION!!
+%
+I'm definitely not in Omaha!
+%
+I'm DESPONDENT ... I hope there's something DEEP-FRIED under this
+miniature DOMED STADIUM ...
+%
+I'm dressing up in an ill-fitting IVY-LEAGUE SUIT!! Too late...
+%
+I'm EMOTIONAL now because I have MERCHANDISING CLOUT!!
+%
+I'm encased in the lining of a pure pork sausage!!
+%
+I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!
+%
+I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!
+%
+I'm having a BIG BANG THEORY!!
+%
+I'm having a MID-WEEK CRISIS!
+%
+I'm having a RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE ... and I don't take any DRUGS
+%
+I'm having a tax-deductible experience! I need an energy crunch!!
+%
+I'm having an emotional outburst!!
+%
+I'm having an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST!! But, uh, WHY is there a WAFFLE in
+my PAJAMA POCKET??
+%
+I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
+wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...
+%
+I'm having fun HITCHHIKING to CINCINNATI or FAR ROCKAWAY!!
+%
+I'm in direct contact with many advanced fun CONCEPTS.
+%
+I'm into SOFTWARE!
+%
+I'm meditating on the FORMALDEHYDE and the ASBESTOS leaking into my
+PERSONAL SPACE!!
+%
+I'm mentally OVERDRAWN! What's that SIGNPOST up ahead? Where's ROD
+STERLING when you really need him?
+%
+I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!!
+%
+I'm not available for comment..
+%
+I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly??
+%
+I'm pretending that we're all watching PHIL SILVERS instead of RICARDO
+MONTALBAN!
+%
+I'm QUIETLY reading the latest issue of "BOWLING WORLD" while my wife
+and two children stand QUIETLY BY ...
+%
+I'm rated PG-34!!
+%
+I'm receiving a coded message from EUBIE BLAKE!!
+%
+I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with
+MISSILES!!
+%
+I'm reporting for duty as a modern person. I want to do the Latin
+Hustle now!
+%
+I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!!
+%
+I'm sitting on my SPEED QUEEN ... To me, it's ENJOYABLE ... I'm WARM
+... I'm VIBRATORY ...
+%
+I'm thinking about DIGITAL READ-OUT systems and computer-generated
+IMAGE FORMATIONS ...
+%
+I'm totally DESPONDENT over the LIBYAN situation and the price of
+CHICKEN ...
+%
+I'm using my X-RAY VISION to obtain a rare glimpse of the INNER
+WORKINGS of this POTATO!!
+%
+I'm wearing PAMPERS!!
+%
+I'm wet! I'm wild!
+%
+I'm young ... I'm HEALTHY ... I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR
+REGIONS!
+%
+I'm ZIPPY the PINHEAD and I'm totally committed to the festive mode.
+%
+In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
+Belt," for $10.99!!
+%
+In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
+%
+INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
+%
+Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
+%
+Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? Or are we suffering in
+Safeway?
+%
+Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders?? Is the FROG
+his GUIDELIGHT?? It is curious that a DOG runs already on the
+ESCALATOR ...
+%
+Is it 1974? What's for SUPPER? Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one
+wild afternoon??
+%
+Is it clean in other dimensions?
+%
+Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a
+plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
+%
+Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
+%
+Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
+%
+Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
+%
+Is this TERMINAL fun?
+%
+Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
+makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
+%
+Isn't this my STOP?!
+%
+It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
+%
+It was a JOKE!! Get it?? I was receiving messages from DAVID
+LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
+%
+It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
+%
+It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
+%
+It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
+in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
+FRENCH TOAST!
+%
+It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
+%
+It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
+%
+I've got a COUSIN who works in the GARMENT DISTRICT ...
+%
+I've got an IDEA!! Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
+SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
+%
+I've read SEVEN MILLION books!!
+%
+JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level
+of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
+%
+Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
+%
+Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
+%
+Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be
+carried too FAR!
+%
+Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA,
+PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
+%
+Laundry is the fifth dimension!! ... um ... um ... th' washing machine
+is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
+%
+LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
+%
+Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a
+SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your
+ASHTRAYS ...
+%
+Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
+%
+Let's all show human CONCERN for REVEREND MOON's legal difficulties!!
+%
+Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
+%
+Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST! I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
+%
+Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
+%
+Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
+%
+Look! A ladder! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
+%
+LOOK!! Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
+Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
+%
+Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!! Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
+HIGHBALL?? ...
+%
+Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge
+card!
+%
+Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
+%
+Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a
+cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
+%
+Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
+%
+MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
+%
+MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
+%
+Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
+shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a
+TORN-OFF section of a COW'S LEFT LEG soaked in COTTONSEED OIL and
+SUGAR!! ... Let's see ... Next, I'll have the GROUND-UP flesh of CUTE,
+BABY LAMBS fried in the MELTED, FATTY TISSUES from a warm-blooded
+animal someone once PETTED!! ... YUM!! That was GOOD!! For DESSERT,
+I'll have a TOFU BURGER with BEAN SPROUTS on a stone-ground, WHOLE
+WHEAT BUN!!
+%
+Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of
+the INDONESIAN archipelago?
+%
+My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
+%
+My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE
+FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
+%
+My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New
+York!!
+%
+My EARS are GONE!!
+%
+My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's
+care!!!!
+%
+My haircut is totally traditional!
+%
+MY income is ALL disposable!
+%
+My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
+%
+My life is a patio of fun!
+%
+My mind is a potato field ...
+%
+My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
+%
+My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
+%
+my NOSE is NUMB!
+%
+My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
+%
+My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
+%
+My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C. And I can prove it too!!
+%
+My vaseline is RUNNING...
+%
+NANCY!! Why is everything RED?!
+%
+NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They
+COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They
+did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but
+they were OFF-KEY ...
+%
+NEWARK has been REZONED!! DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
+%
+Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
+%
+Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ...
+in PAIN!!!
+%
+Now I am depressed ...
+%
+Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
+BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
+%
+Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
+%
+Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
+BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
+%
+Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World
+War II!
+%
+Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of
+HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
+by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
+%
+Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
+%
+Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
+%
+Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING
+and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
+%
+Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
+%
+Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
+%
+Oh, I get it!! "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
+%
+Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
+%
+Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR
+DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
+%
+OKAY!! Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED
+R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
+%
+OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
+and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
+it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
+the WASHING MACHINES?
+%
+On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
+PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
+%
+On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL
+QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
+%
+On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
+POINT.
+%
+Once, there was NO fun ... This was before MENU planning, FASHION
+statements or NAUTILUS equipment ... Then, in 1985 ... FUN was
+completely encoded in this tiny MICROCHIP ... It contain 14,768 vaguely
+amusing SIT-COM pilots!! We had to wait FOUR BILLION years but we
+finally got JERRY LEWIS, MTV and a large selection of creme-filled
+snack cakes!
+%
+Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of
+DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY
+VALUES!!
+%
+ONE: I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to
+ the downtown PLASMA CENTER ...
+TWO: I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ...
+THREE: I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
+%
+One FISHWICH coming up!!
+%
+Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this
+table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also
+leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
+%
+over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
+%
+OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the FUTURE and BEYOND
+REPAIR!!
+%
+PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
+%
+Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your
+BOOTH!
+%
+PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
+%
+PIZZA!!
+%
+Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
+Trianon Room!! Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
+%
+Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
+%
+Psychoanalysis?? I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
+%
+PUNK ROCK!! DISCO DUCK!! BIRTH CONTROL!!
+%
+Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
+%
+RELATIVES!!
+%
+Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by
+prescription!!
+%
+RHAPSODY in Glue!
+%
+SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS
+... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes,
+starring JANE FONDA!!
+%
+Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA
+94140, USA
+%
+SHHHH!! I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into
+empty OIL DRUMS ...
+%
+Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
+%
+Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a
+VASECTOMY??
+%
+Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK
+hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
+%
+Sign my PETITION.
+%
+So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL
+INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2
+SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
+%
+So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
+%
+someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
+%
+Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
+%
+Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB
+CHOP!!
+%
+Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a
+batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
+%
+Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it
+to Beaver"!
+%
+Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why?
+%
+TAILFINS!! ... click ...
+%
+TAPPING? You POLITICIANS! Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
+Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
+%
+Tex SEX! The HOME of WHEELS! The dripping of COFFEE!! Take me to
+Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
+%
+Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
+%
+Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
+%
+The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth
+the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
+%
+The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality --
+and have since BIRTH!!
+%
+The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my
+SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
+%
+The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
+%
+The Korean War must have been fun.
+%
+The Osmonds! You are all Osmonds!! Throwing up on a freeway at
+dawn!!!
+%
+The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
+%
+The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!! But they went to MARS
+around 1953!!
+%
+The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
+%
+There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
+in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
+%
+There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
+%
+These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
+%
+They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen
+appeal!
+%
+This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
+%
+This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
+%
+This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up
+against someone's MARTINI!!
+%
+This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
+%
+This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
+%
+This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience! Someone I DON'T LIKE is
+talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
+%
+Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD
+SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
+%
+Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the
+aesthetic modules --
+%
+Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER
+before his MAKEOVER!
+%
+Toes, knees, NIPPLES. Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ...
+Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
+%
+TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
+%
+Uh-oh!! I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
+%
+UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by
+mistake!!!
+%
+UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a
+NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!! Ha ha.
+%
+Uh-oh!! I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
+%
+UH-OH!! We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
+%
+Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader
+frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
+%
+Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
+%
+VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
+%
+Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
+TAX-DEFERRED!
+%
+Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat
+Junction??
+%
+Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!!
+%
+We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot
+tub ...
+%
+We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
+%
+We just joined the civil hair patrol!
+%
+We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home.
+45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
+%
+Well, here I am in AMERICA.. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I
+HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE it. I HATE it. I LIKE ...
+EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
+%
+Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
+VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
+%
+Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
+ROOM ...
+%
+Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL
+DESPAIR!
+%
+Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
+%
+What a COINCIDENCE! I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
+%
+What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
+%
+What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
+%
+What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
+%
+What PROGRAM are they watching?
+%
+What UNIVERSE is this, please??
+%
+What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
+%
+When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
+DETERGENT for 15 minutes. He seemed to enjoy it ...
+%
+When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
+%
+When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
+%
+When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
+BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
+and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
+%
+Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
+%
+Where does it go when you flush?
+%
+Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
+%
+Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
+%
+Where's the Coke machine? Tell me a joke!!
+%
+While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit
+priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
+%
+While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his
+will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
+%
+WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
+%
+WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! It must be the
+NEGATIVE IONS!!
+%
+Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
+%
+Why don't you ever enter and CONTESTS, Marvin?? Don't you know your
+own ZIPCODE?
+%
+Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
+%
+Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
+CENTER with you??
+%
+Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
+%
+Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
+%
+Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
+%
+With YOU, I can be MYSELF ... We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
+%
+World War III? No thanks!
+%
+World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
+dress code!
+%
+Wow! Look!! A stray meatball!! Let's interview it!
+%
+Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
+%
+Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON
+MAIDEN concert?
+%
+YOU!! Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
+DOLLHOUSE you can find!! An make it SNAPPY!!
+%
+You can't hurt me!! I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
+%
+You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
+distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
+%
+You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
+%
+YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
+%
+You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW
+CAREER!!
+%
+You were s'posed to laugh!
+%
+Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
+%
+Youth of today! Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental
+attitudes!
+%
+Yow!
+%
+Yow! Am I having fun yet?
+%
+Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?
+%
+Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
+%
+Yow! Are we laid back yet?
+%
+Yow! Are we wet yet?
+%
+Yow! Are you the self-frying president?
+%
+Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
+%
+YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
+%
+YOW!!! I am having fun!!!
+%
+Yow! I just went below the poverty line!
+%
+Yow! I threw up on my window!
+%
+Yow! I want my nose in lights!
+%
+Yow! I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
+%
+Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel
+mill!
+%
+Yow! I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
+%
+YOW!! I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
+%
+Yow! Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
+%
+Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet?? Is it, huh, is it??
+%
+Yow! It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
+%
+Yow! It's some people inside the wall! This is better than mopping!
+%
+Yow! Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
+%
+Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING
+BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
+%
+YOW!! Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM
+laws!!
+%
+Yow! Now we can become alcoholics!
+%
+YOW!! The land of the rising SONY!!
+%
+Yow! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
+%
+YOW!! Up ahead! It's a DONUT HUT!!
+%
+Yow! We're going to a new disco!
+%
+YOW!! What should the entire human race DO?? Consume a fifth of
+CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
+%
+Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
+%
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+ANAL
+ASEXUAL
+Astro
+B.C
+BANKHEAD
+BI
+BIO
+BORSCHT
+BRAINPAN
+BURRITO
+BURRITOS
+Barbie
+Bo
+Bonzo
+CARCRASH
+CASIO
+CHAINSAWS
+CHIVAS
+COM
+CORDOVANS
+COSELL
+CROATIAN
+Carlsbad
+Clift
+Cosell
+Cupcake
+DAQUIRI
+DELI
+DIDI
+DISCO
+DISNEYWORLD
+DONUT
+DOUGHBOY
+Darvon
+Di
+Disco
+Donnie
+EDSELS
+EMOTE
+EUBIE
+Enema
+FALAFEL
+FISHNET
+FISHWICH
+FLEMMING
+FLOATATION
+FROLICSOME
+Feinstein
+GOLDIE
+GORRY
+GUCCIONE
+GUIDELIGHT
+Gibble
+Ginzberg
+HAIRPIECE
+HAWN
+HAYWORTH
+HITCHHIKING
+HOAX
+HOUSECAT
+Hmmm
+I.Q
+INTESTINAL
+Iranian
+JELL
+JELLO
+JILLIAN'S
+JULIENNED
+Jodie
+KATRINKA
+KNOCKWURST
+LBJ
+LING
+LONI
+LUGOSI
+Loni
+Lycra
+MALIBU
+MCMAHON
+MELBA
+MERYL
+MMM
+MOGULS
+MONTALBAN'S
+MOUSSE
+MSG
+MT
+MTV
+MYSTERIANS
+Macy's
+Meese
+Monkees
+NABOBS
+NAGEELA
+NEBULATION
+NICKLES
+NUTRA
+Niro
+OLFACTORY
+OMNIVERSAL
+OVULAR
+Osmond
+Osmonds
+PAISLEY
+PASTA
+PG
+Pharoahs
+Provolone
+R.V.'S
+RAPHAELITE
+RICARDO
+RITA
+Rom
+Roni
+SAGAN
+SANFORIZE
+SCHROON
+SCIENTOLOGIST
+SERBO
+SHOPLIFT
+SINATRA
+SKEE
+SODOMIZE
+SONTAG
+STREEP
+Safeway
+Slezak
+Spandex
+T.V
+TACO
+TAILFINS
+TALLULAH
+TINA
+TRANSSEXUAL
+TRYNEL
+Tenafly
+Tex
+Th
+Tylenol
+Uh
+VASELINE
+VELVEETA
+WESSON
+YEH
+YUBBA
+Yum
+ZIPPY
+Zippy
+Zippy's
+barbequeued
+chr
+co
+cranial
+creme
+devalue
+disco
+donut
+donuts
+dusenjet
+einem
+einige
+frolicking
+fuschia
+gladiatoren
+gothic
+graphisticator
+hors
+houseboy
+ich
+im
+jahr
+kidnapped
+lande
+laundromat
+laundromats
+lesbian
+li'l
+manicurist
+matic
+meatball
+meltdown
+naugahyde
+obstetrician
+poindexter
+pre
+psilocybin
+quaaludes
+quadrophonic
+rieche
+s'posed
+scientology
+skintight
+skydiving
+solarium
+spielen
+telex
+th
+th'HOLIDAY
+th'MAMBO
+th'RAIN
+th'WRENCH
+th'cute
+thru
+thumbtack
+uh
+um
+urinate
+vaseline
+vor
+zzzzzzzzz
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= fortune
+MAN= fortune.6
+CFLAGS+=-DDEBUG -I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
+
+test: ${PROG}
+ ./${PROG} -m brass
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+.\" Copyright (c) 1985, 1991, 1993
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+.\" Ken Arnold.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)fortune.6 8.3 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
+.\" $FreeBSD$
+.\"
+.Dd November 7, 2007
+.Dt FORTUNE 6
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm fortune
+.Nd "print a random, hopefully interesting, adage"
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Fl aDefilosw
+.Op Fl m Ar pattern
+.Oo
+.Op Ar \&N%
+.Ar file Ns / Ns Ar directory Ns / Ns Cm all
+.Oc
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+When
+.Nm
+is run with no arguments it prints out a random epigram.
+Epigrams are divided into several categories, where each category
+is subdivided into those which are potentially offensive and those
+which are not.
+The options are as follows:
+.Bl -tag -width indent
+.It Fl a
+Choose from all lists of maxims, both offensive and not.
+(See the
+.Fl o
+option for more information on offensive fortunes.)
+.It Fl D
+Enable additional debugging output.
+Specify this option multiple times for more verbose output.
+Only available if compiled with
+.Li -DDEBUG .
+.It Fl e
+Consider all fortune files to be of equal size (see discussion below
+on multiple files).
+.It Fl f
+Print out the list of files which would be searched, but do not
+print a fortune.
+.It Fl l
+Long dictums only.
+.It Fl m Ar pattern
+Print out all fortunes which match the regular expression
+.Ar pattern .
+See
+.Xr regex 3
+for a description of patterns.
+.It Fl o
+Choose only from potentially offensive aphorisms.
+.Bf -symbolic
+Please, please, please request a potentially offensive fortune if and
+only if you believe, deep down in your heart, that you are willing
+to be offended.
+(And that if you are not willing, you will just quit using
+.Fl o
+rather than give us
+grief about it, okay?)
+.Ef
+.Bd -unfilled -offset indent
+\&... let us keep in mind the basic governing philosophy
+of The Brotherhood, as handsomely summarized in these words:
+we believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of
+the whole human race, if needs be.
+Needs be.
+ --H. Allen Smith, "Rude Jokes"
+.Ed
+.It Fl s
+Short apothegms only.
+.It Fl i
+Ignore case for
+.Fl m
+patterns.
+.It Fl w
+Wait before termination for an amount of time calculated from the
+number of characters in the message.
+This is useful if it is executed as part of the logout procedure
+to guarantee that the message can be read before the screen is cleared.
+.El
+.Pp
+The user may specify alternate sayings.
+You can specify a specific file, a directory which contains one or
+more files, or the special word
+.Cm all
+which says to use all the standard databases.
+Any of these may be preceded by a percentage, which is a number
+.Ar N
+between 0 and 100 inclusive, followed by a
+.Ql % .
+If it is, there will be an
+.Ar N
+percent probability that an adage will be picked from that file
+or directory.
+If the percentages do not sum to 100, and there are specifications
+without percentages, the remaining percent will apply to those files
+and/or directories, in which case the probability of selecting from
+one of them will be based on their relative sizes.
+.Pp
+As an example, given two databases
+.Pa funny
+and
+.Pa not-funny ,
+with
+.Pa funny
+twice as big, saying
+.Pp
+.Dl "fortune funny not-funny"
+.Pp
+will get you fortunes out of
+.Pa funny
+two-thirds of the time.
+The command
+.Pp
+.Dl "fortune 90% funny 10% not-funny"
+.Pp
+will pick out 90% of its fortunes from
+.Pa funny
+(the
+.Dq Li "10% not-funny"
+is unnecessary, since 10% is all that is left).
+The
+.Fl e
+option says to consider all files equal;
+thus
+.Pp
+.Dl "fortune -e funny not-funny"
+.Pp
+is equivalent to
+.Pp
+.Dl "fortune 50% funny 50% not-funny"
+.Sh ENVIRONMENT
+.Bl -tag -width ".Ev FORTUNE_PATH"
+.It Ev FORTUNE_PATH
+The search path for the data files.
+It is a colon-separated list of directories in which
+.Nm
+looks for data files.
+If not set it will default to
+.Pa /usr/share/games/fortune .
+If none of the directories specified exist, it will print a warning and exit.
+.It Ev FORTUNE_SAVESTATE
+If set, fortune will save some state about what fortune
+it was up to on disk.
+.El
+.Sh FILES
+.Bl -tag -width ".Pa /usr/share/games/fortune/*"
+.It Pa /usr/games/fortune
+.It Pa /usr/share/games/fortune/*
+the fortunes databases (those files ending
+.Dq Pa -o
+contain the
+.Sy offensive
+fortunes)
+.El
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+.Xr arc4random_uniform 3 ,
+.Xr regcomp 3 ,
+.Xr regex 3 ,
+.Xr strfile 8
--- /dev/null
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1986, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#if 0
+#ifndef lint
+static const char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1986, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)fortune.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif /* not lint */
+#endif
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
+
+#include <sys/stat.h>
+#include <sys/endian.h>
+
+#include <assert.h>
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <dirent.h>
+#include <fcntl.h>
+#include <locale.h>
+#include <regex.h>
+#include <stdbool.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <time.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#include "strfile.h"
+#include "pathnames.h"
+
+#define TRUE true
+#define FALSE false
+
+#define MINW 6 /* minimum wait if desired */
+#define CPERS 20 /* # of chars for each sec */
+#define SLEN 160 /* # of chars in short fortune */
+
+#define POS_UNKNOWN ((uint32_t) -1) /* pos for file unknown */
+#define NO_PROB (-1) /* no prob specified for file */
+
+#ifdef DEBUG
+#define DPRINTF(l,x) { if (Debug >= l) fprintf x; }
+#undef NDEBUG
+#else
+#define DPRINTF(l,x)
+#define NDEBUG 1
+#endif
+
+typedef struct fd {
+ int percent;
+ int fd, datfd;
+ uint32_t pos;
+ FILE *inf;
+ const char *name;
+ const char *path;
+ char *datfile, *posfile;
+ bool read_tbl;
+ bool was_pos_file;
+ STRFILE tbl;
+ int num_children;
+ struct fd *child, *parent;
+ struct fd *next, *prev;
+} FILEDESC;
+
+static bool Found_one; /* did we find a match? */
+static bool Find_files = FALSE; /* just find a list of proper fortune files */
+static bool Fortunes_only = FALSE; /* check only "fortunes" files */
+static bool Wait = FALSE; /* wait desired after fortune */
+static bool Short_only = FALSE; /* short fortune desired */
+static bool Long_only = FALSE; /* long fortune desired */
+static bool Offend = FALSE; /* offensive fortunes only */
+static bool All_forts = FALSE; /* any fortune allowed */
+static bool Equal_probs = FALSE; /* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
+static bool Match = FALSE; /* dump fortunes matching a pattern */
+static bool WriteToDisk = false; /* use files on disk to save state */
+#ifdef DEBUG
+static int Debug = 0; /* print debug messages */
+#endif
+
+static char *Fortbuf = NULL; /* fortune buffer for -m */
+
+static int Fort_len = 0;
+
+static off_t Seekpts[2]; /* seek pointers to fortunes */
+
+static FILEDESC *File_list = NULL, /* Head of file list */
+ *File_tail = NULL; /* Tail of file list */
+static FILEDESC *Fortfile; /* Fortune file to use */
+
+static STRFILE Noprob_tbl; /* sum of data for all no prob files */
+
+static const char *Fortune_path;
+static char **Fortune_path_arr;
+
+static int add_dir(FILEDESC *);
+static int add_file(int, const char *, const char *, FILEDESC **,
+ FILEDESC **, FILEDESC *);
+static void all_forts(FILEDESC *, char *);
+static char *copy(const char *, u_int);
+static void display(FILEDESC *);
+static void do_free(void *);
+static void *do_malloc(u_int);
+static int form_file_list(char **, int);
+static int fortlen(void);
+static void get_fort(void);
+static void get_pos(FILEDESC *);
+static void get_tbl(FILEDESC *);
+static void getargs(int, char *[]);
+static void getpath(void);
+static void init_prob(void);
+static int is_dir(const char *);
+static int is_fortfile(const char *, char **, char **, int);
+static int is_off_name(const char *);
+static int max(int, int);
+static FILEDESC *new_fp(void);
+static char *off_name(const char *);
+static void open_dat(FILEDESC *);
+static void open_fp(FILEDESC *);
+static FILEDESC *pick_child(FILEDESC *);
+static void print_file_list(void);
+static void print_list(FILEDESC *, int);
+static void sum_noprobs(FILEDESC *);
+static void sum_tbl(STRFILE *, STRFILE *);
+static void usage(void);
+static void zero_tbl(STRFILE *);
+
+static char *conv_pat(char *);
+static int find_matches(void);
+static void matches_in_list(FILEDESC *);
+static int maxlen_in_list(FILEDESC *);
+
+static regex_t Re_pat;
+
+int
+main(int argc, char *argv[])
+{
+ int fd;
+
+ if (getenv("FORTUNE_SAVESTATE") != NULL)
+ WriteToDisk = true;
+
+ (void) setlocale(LC_ALL, "");
+
+ getpath();
+ getargs(argc, argv);
+
+ if (Match)
+ exit(find_matches() != 0);
+
+ init_prob();
+ do {
+ get_fort();
+ } while ((Short_only && fortlen() > SLEN) ||
+ (Long_only && fortlen() <= SLEN));
+
+ display(Fortfile);
+
+ if (WriteToDisk) {
+ if ((fd = creat(Fortfile->posfile, 0666)) < 0) {
+ perror(Fortfile->posfile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ /*
+ * if we can, we exclusive lock, but since it isn't very
+ * important, we just punt if we don't have easy locking
+ * available.
+ */
+ flock(fd, LOCK_EX);
+ write(fd, (char *) &Fortfile->pos, sizeof Fortfile->pos);
+ if (!Fortfile->was_pos_file)
+ chmod(Fortfile->path, 0666);
+ flock(fd, LOCK_UN);
+ }
+ if (Wait) {
+ if (Fort_len == 0)
+ (void) fortlen();
+ sleep((unsigned int) max(Fort_len / CPERS, MINW));
+ }
+
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+static void
+display(FILEDESC *fp)
+{
+ char *p;
+ unsigned char ch;
+ char line[BUFSIZ];
+
+ open_fp(fp);
+ fseeko(fp->inf, Seekpts[0], SEEK_SET);
+ for (Fort_len = 0; fgets(line, sizeof line, fp->inf) != NULL &&
+ !STR_ENDSTRING(line, fp->tbl); Fort_len++) {
+ if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED)
+ for (p = line; (ch = *p) != '\0'; ++p) {
+ if (isascii(ch)) {
+ if (isupper(ch))
+ *p = 'A' + (ch - 'A' + 13) % 26;
+ else if (islower(ch))
+ *p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26;
+ }
+ }
+ if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_COMMENTS
+ && line[0] == fp->tbl.str_delim
+ && line[1] == fp->tbl.str_delim)
+ continue;
+ fputs(line, stdout);
+ }
+ (void) fflush(stdout);
+}
+
+/*
+ * fortlen:
+ * Return the length of the fortune.
+ */
+static int
+fortlen(void)
+{
+ int nchar;
+ char line[BUFSIZ];
+
+ if (!(Fortfile->tbl.str_flags & (STR_RANDOM | STR_ORDERED)))
+ nchar = (int)(Seekpts[1] - Seekpts[0]);
+ else {
+ open_fp(Fortfile);
+ fseeko(Fortfile->inf, Seekpts[0], SEEK_SET);
+ nchar = 0;
+ while (fgets(line, sizeof line, Fortfile->inf) != NULL &&
+ !STR_ENDSTRING(line, Fortfile->tbl))
+ nchar += strlen(line);
+ }
+ Fort_len = nchar;
+
+ return (nchar);
+}
+
+/*
+ * This routine evaluates the arguments on the command line
+ */
+static void
+getargs(int argc, char *argv[])
+{
+ int ignore_case;
+ char *pat;
+ int ch;
+
+ ignore_case = FALSE;
+ pat = NULL;
+
+#ifdef DEBUG
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aDefilm:osw")) != -1)
+#else
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "aefilm:osw")) != -1)
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+ switch(ch) {
+ case 'a': /* any fortune */
+ All_forts++;
+ break;
+#ifdef DEBUG
+ case 'D':
+ Debug++;
+ break;
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+ case 'e':
+ Equal_probs++; /* scatter un-allocted prob equally */
+ break;
+ case 'f': /* find fortune files */
+ Find_files++;
+ break;
+ case 'l': /* long ones only */
+ Long_only++;
+ Short_only = FALSE;
+ break;
+ case 'o': /* offensive ones only */
+ Offend++;
+ break;
+ case 's': /* short ones only */
+ Short_only++;
+ Long_only = FALSE;
+ break;
+ case 'w': /* give time to read */
+ Wait++;
+ break;
+ case 'm': /* dump out the fortunes */
+ Match++;
+ pat = optarg;
+ break;
+ case 'i': /* case-insensitive match */
+ ignore_case++;
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ usage();
+ }
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ if (!form_file_list(argv, argc))
+ exit(1); /* errors printed through form_file_list() */
+ if (Find_files) {
+ print_file_list();
+ exit(0);
+ }
+#ifdef DEBUG
+ else if (Debug >= 1)
+ print_file_list();
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+
+ if (pat != NULL) {
+ int error;
+
+ if (ignore_case)
+ pat = conv_pat(pat);
+ error = regcomp(&Re_pat, pat, REG_BASIC);
+ if (error) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "regcomp(%s) fails\n", pat);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * form_file_list:
+ * Form the file list from the file specifications.
+ */
+static int
+form_file_list(char **files, int file_cnt)
+{
+ int i, percent;
+ char *sp;
+ char **pstr;
+
+ if (file_cnt == 0) {
+ if (Find_files) {
+ Fortunes_only = TRUE;
+ pstr = Fortune_path_arr;
+ i = 0;
+ while (*pstr) {
+ i += add_file(NO_PROB, *pstr++, NULL,
+ &File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
+ }
+ Fortunes_only = FALSE;
+ if (!i) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "No fortunes found in %s.\n",
+ Fortune_path);
+ }
+ return (i != 0);
+ } else {
+ pstr = Fortune_path_arr;
+ i = 0;
+ while (*pstr) {
+ i += add_file(NO_PROB, "fortunes", *pstr++,
+ &File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
+ }
+ if (!i) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "No fortunes found in %s.\n",
+ Fortune_path);
+ }
+ return (i != 0);
+ }
+ }
+ for (i = 0; i < file_cnt; i++) {
+ percent = NO_PROB;
+ if (!isdigit((unsigned char)files[i][0]))
+ sp = files[i];
+ else {
+ percent = 0;
+ for (sp = files[i]; isdigit((unsigned char)*sp); sp++)
+ percent = percent * 10 + *sp - '0';
+ if (percent > 100) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be <= 100\n");
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ if (*sp == '.') {
+ fprintf(stderr, "percentages must be integers\n");
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ /*
+ * If the number isn't followed by a '%', then
+ * it was not a percentage, just the first part
+ * of a file name which starts with digits.
+ */
+ if (*sp != '%') {
+ percent = NO_PROB;
+ sp = files[i];
+ }
+ else if (*++sp == '\0') {
+ if (++i >= file_cnt) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "percentages must precede files\n");
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ sp = files[i];
+ }
+ }
+ if (strcmp(sp, "all") == 0) {
+ pstr = Fortune_path_arr;
+ i = 0;
+ while (*pstr) {
+ i += add_file(NO_PROB, *pstr++, NULL,
+ &File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
+ }
+ if (!i) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "No fortunes found in %s.\n",
+ Fortune_path);
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ } else if (!add_file(percent, sp, NULL, &File_list,
+ &File_tail, NULL)) {
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ }
+
+ return (TRUE);
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_file:
+ * Add a file to the file list.
+ */
+static int
+add_file(int percent, const char *file, const char *dir, FILEDESC **head,
+ FILEDESC **tail, FILEDESC *parent)
+{
+ FILEDESC *fp;
+ int fd;
+ const char *path;
+ char *tpath, *offensive;
+ bool was_malloc;
+ bool isdir;
+
+ if (dir == NULL) {
+ path = file;
+ tpath = NULL;
+ was_malloc = FALSE;
+ }
+ else {
+ tpath = do_malloc((unsigned int)(strlen(dir) + strlen(file) + 2));
+ strcat(strcat(strcpy(tpath, dir), "/"), file);
+ path = tpath;
+ was_malloc = TRUE;
+ }
+ if ((isdir = is_dir(path)) && parent != NULL) {
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(tpath);
+ return (FALSE); /* don't recurse */
+ }
+ offensive = NULL;
+ if (!isdir && parent == NULL && (All_forts || Offend) &&
+ !is_off_name(path)) {
+ offensive = off_name(path);
+ if (Offend) {
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(tpath);
+ path = tpath = offensive;
+ offensive = NULL;
+ was_malloc = TRUE;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\ttrying \"%s\"\n", path));
+ file = off_name(file);
+ }
+ }
+
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding file \"%s\"\n", path));
+over:
+ if ((fd = open(path, O_RDONLY)) < 0) {
+ /*
+ * This is a sneak. If the user said -a, and if the
+ * file we're given isn't a file, we check to see if
+ * there is a -o version. If there is, we treat it as
+ * if *that* were the file given. We only do this for
+ * individual files -- if we're scanning a directory,
+ * we'll pick up the -o file anyway.
+ */
+ if (All_forts && offensive != NULL) {
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(tpath);
+ path = tpath = offensive;
+ offensive = NULL;
+ was_malloc = TRUE;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\ttrying \"%s\"\n", path));
+ file = off_name(file);
+ goto over;
+ }
+ if (dir == NULL && file[0] != '/') {
+ int i = 0;
+ char **pstr = Fortune_path_arr;
+
+ while (*pstr) {
+ i += add_file(percent, file, *pstr++,
+ head, tail, parent);
+ }
+ if (!i) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "No '%s' found in %s.\n",
+ file, Fortune_path);
+ }
+ return (i != 0);
+ }
+ /*
+ if (parent == NULL)
+ perror(path);
+ */
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(tpath);
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "path = \"%s\"\n", path));
+
+ fp = new_fp();
+ fp->fd = fd;
+ fp->percent = percent;
+ fp->name = file;
+ fp->path = path;
+ fp->parent = parent;
+
+ if ((isdir && !add_dir(fp)) ||
+ (!isdir &&
+ !is_fortfile(path, &fp->datfile, &fp->posfile, (parent != NULL))))
+ {
+ if (parent == NULL)
+ fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune:%s not a fortune file or directory\n",
+ path);
+ if (was_malloc)
+ free(tpath);
+ do_free(fp->datfile);
+ do_free(fp->posfile);
+ free(fp);
+ do_free(offensive);
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ /*
+ * If the user said -a, we need to make this node a pointer to
+ * both files, if there are two. We don't need to do this if
+ * we are scanning a directory, since the scan will pick up the
+ * -o file anyway.
+ */
+ if (All_forts && parent == NULL && !is_off_name(path))
+ all_forts(fp, offensive);
+ if (*head == NULL)
+ *head = *tail = fp;
+ else if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
+ (*tail)->next = fp;
+ fp->prev = *tail;
+ *tail = fp;
+ }
+ else {
+ (*head)->prev = fp;
+ fp->next = *head;
+ *head = fp;
+ }
+ if (WriteToDisk)
+ fp->was_pos_file = (access(fp->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
+
+ return (TRUE);
+}
+
+/*
+ * new_fp:
+ * Return a pointer to an initialized new FILEDESC.
+ */
+static FILEDESC *
+new_fp(void)
+{
+ FILEDESC *fp;
+
+ fp = do_malloc(sizeof(*fp));
+ fp->datfd = -1;
+ fp->pos = POS_UNKNOWN;
+ fp->inf = NULL;
+ fp->fd = -1;
+ fp->percent = NO_PROB;
+ fp->read_tbl = FALSE;
+ fp->next = NULL;
+ fp->prev = NULL;
+ fp->child = NULL;
+ fp->parent = NULL;
+ fp->datfile = NULL;
+ fp->posfile = NULL;
+
+ return (fp);
+}
+
+/*
+ * off_name:
+ * Return a pointer to the offensive version of a file of this name.
+ */
+static char *
+off_name(const char *file)
+{
+ char *new;
+
+ new = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 2));
+
+ return (strcat(new, "-o"));
+}
+
+/*
+ * is_off_name:
+ * Is the file an offensive-style name?
+ */
+static int
+is_off_name(const char *file)
+{
+ int len;
+
+ len = strlen(file);
+
+ return (len >= 3 && file[len - 2] == '-' && file[len - 1] == 'o');
+}
+
+/*
+ * all_forts:
+ * Modify a FILEDESC element to be the parent of two children if
+ * there are two children to be a parent of.
+ */
+static void
+all_forts(FILEDESC *fp, char *offensive)
+{
+ char *sp;
+ FILEDESC *scene, *obscene;
+ int fd;
+ char *datfile, *posfile;
+
+ if (fp->child != NULL) /* this is a directory, not a file */
+ return;
+ if (!is_fortfile(offensive, &datfile, &posfile, FALSE))
+ return;
+ if ((fd = open(offensive, O_RDONLY)) < 0)
+ return;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding \"%s\" because of -a\n", offensive));
+ scene = new_fp();
+ obscene = new_fp();
+ *scene = *fp;
+
+ fp->num_children = 2;
+ fp->child = scene;
+ scene->next = obscene;
+ obscene->next = NULL;
+ scene->child = obscene->child = NULL;
+ scene->parent = obscene->parent = fp;
+
+ fp->fd = -1;
+ scene->percent = obscene->percent = NO_PROB;
+
+ obscene->fd = fd;
+ obscene->inf = NULL;
+ obscene->path = offensive;
+ if ((sp = strrchr(offensive, '/')) == NULL)
+ obscene->name = offensive;
+ else
+ obscene->name = ++sp;
+ obscene->datfile = datfile;
+ obscene->posfile = posfile;
+ obscene->read_tbl = false;
+ if (WriteToDisk)
+ obscene->was_pos_file = (access(obscene->posfile, W_OK) >= 0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_dir:
+ * Add the contents of an entire directory.
+ */
+static int
+add_dir(FILEDESC *fp)
+{
+ DIR *dir;
+ struct dirent *dirent;
+ FILEDESC *tailp;
+ char *name;
+
+ (void) close(fp->fd);
+ fp->fd = -1;
+ if ((dir = opendir(fp->path)) == NULL) {
+ perror(fp->path);
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ tailp = NULL;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "adding dir \"%s\"\n", fp->path));
+ fp->num_children = 0;
+ while ((dirent = readdir(dir)) != NULL) {
+ if (dirent->d_namlen == 0)
+ continue;
+ name = copy(dirent->d_name, dirent->d_namlen);
+ if (add_file(NO_PROB, name, fp->path, &fp->child, &tailp, fp))
+ fp->num_children++;
+ else
+ free(name);
+ }
+ if (fp->num_children == 0) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: %s: No fortune files in directory.\n", fp->path);
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+
+ return (TRUE);
+}
+
+/*
+ * is_dir:
+ * Return TRUE if the file is a directory, FALSE otherwise.
+ */
+static int
+is_dir(const char *file)
+{
+ struct stat sbuf;
+
+ if (stat(file, &sbuf) < 0)
+ return (FALSE);
+
+ return (sbuf.st_mode & S_IFDIR);
+}
+
+/*
+ * is_fortfile:
+ * Return TRUE if the file is a fortune database file. We try and
+ * exclude files without reading them if possible to avoid
+ * overhead. Files which start with ".", or which have "illegal"
+ * suffixes, as contained in suflist[], are ruled out.
+ */
+/* ARGSUSED */
+static int
+is_fortfile(const char *file, char **datp, char **posp, int check_for_offend)
+{
+ int i;
+ const char *sp;
+ char *datfile;
+ static const char *suflist[] = {
+ /* list of "illegal" suffixes" */
+ "dat", "pos", "c", "h", "p", "i", "f",
+ "pas", "ftn", "ins.c", "ins,pas",
+ "ins.ftn", "sml",
+ NULL
+ };
+
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "is_fortfile(%s) returns ", file));
+
+ /*
+ * Preclude any -o files for offendable people, and any non -o
+ * files for completely offensive people.
+ */
+ if (check_for_offend && !All_forts) {
+ i = strlen(file);
+ if (Offend ^ (file[i - 2] == '-' && file[i - 1] == 'o')) {
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (offending file)\n"));
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ }
+
+ if ((sp = strrchr(file, '/')) == NULL)
+ sp = file;
+ else
+ sp++;
+ if (*sp == '.') {
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file starts with '.')\n"));
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ if (Fortunes_only && strncmp(sp, "fortunes", 8) != 0) {
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (check fortunes only)\n"));
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ if ((sp = strrchr(sp, '.')) != NULL) {
+ sp++;
+ for (i = 0; suflist[i] != NULL; i++)
+ if (strcmp(sp, suflist[i]) == 0) {
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (file has suffix \".%s\")\n", sp));
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ }
+
+ datfile = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */
+ strcat(datfile, ".dat");
+ if (access(datfile, R_OK) < 0) {
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "FALSE (no readable \".dat\" file)\n"));
+ free(datfile);
+ return (FALSE);
+ }
+ if (datp != NULL)
+ *datp = datfile;
+ else
+ free(datfile);
+ if (posp != NULL) {
+ if (WriteToDisk) {
+ *posp = copy(file, (unsigned int) (strlen(file) + 4)); /* +4 for ".dat" */
+ strcat(*posp, ".pos");
+ }
+ else {
+ *posp = NULL;
+ }
+ }
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "TRUE\n"));
+
+ return (TRUE);
+}
+
+/*
+ * copy:
+ * Return a malloc()'ed copy of the string
+ */
+static char *
+copy(const char *str, unsigned int len)
+{
+ char *new, *sp;
+
+ new = do_malloc(len + 1);
+ sp = new;
+ do {
+ *sp++ = *str;
+ } while (*str++);
+
+ return (new);
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_malloc:
+ * Do a malloc, checking for NULL return.
+ */
+static void *
+do_malloc(unsigned int size)
+{
+ void *new;
+
+ if ((new = malloc(size)) == NULL) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune: out of memory.\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+
+ return (new);
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_free:
+ * Free malloc'ed space, if any.
+ */
+static void
+do_free(void *ptr)
+{
+ if (ptr != NULL)
+ free(ptr);
+}
+
+/*
+ * init_prob:
+ * Initialize the fortune probabilities.
+ */
+static void
+init_prob(void)
+{
+ FILEDESC *fp, *last = NULL;
+ int percent, num_noprob, frac;
+
+ /*
+ * Distribute the residual probability (if any) across all
+ * files with unspecified probability (i.e., probability of 0)
+ * (if any).
+ */
+
+ percent = 0;
+ num_noprob = 0;
+ for (fp = File_tail; fp != NULL; fp = fp->prev)
+ if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
+ num_noprob++;
+ if (Equal_probs)
+ last = fp;
+ } else
+ percent += fp->percent;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "summing probabilities:%d%% with %d NO_PROB's",
+ percent, num_noprob));
+ if (percent > 100) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: probabilities sum to %d%% > 100%%!\n", percent);
+ exit(1);
+ } else if (percent < 100 && num_noprob == 0) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: no place to put residual probability (%d%% < 100%%)\n",
+ percent);
+ exit(1);
+ } else if (percent == 100 && num_noprob != 0) {
+ (void) fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: no probability left to put in residual files (100%%)\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ percent = 100 - percent;
+ if (Equal_probs) {
+ if (num_noprob != 0) {
+ if (num_noprob > 1) {
+ frac = percent / num_noprob;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", frac = %d%%", frac));
+ for (fp = File_tail; fp != last; fp = fp->prev)
+ if (fp->percent == NO_PROB) {
+ fp->percent = frac;
+ percent -= frac;
+ }
+ }
+ last->percent = percent;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, ", residual = %d%%", percent));
+ }
+ else
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+ ", %d%% distributed over remaining fortunes\n",
+ percent));
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\n"));
+
+#ifdef DEBUG
+ if (Debug >= 1)
+ print_file_list();
+#endif
+}
+
+/*
+ * get_fort:
+ * Get the fortune data file's seek pointer for the next fortune.
+ */
+static void
+get_fort(void)
+{
+ FILEDESC *fp;
+ int choice;
+
+ if (File_list->next == NULL || File_list->percent == NO_PROB)
+ fp = File_list;
+ else {
+ choice = arc4random_uniform(100);
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d\n", choice));
+ for (fp = File_list; fp->percent != NO_PROB; fp = fp->next)
+ if (choice < fp->percent)
+ break;
+ else {
+ choice -= fp->percent;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+ " skip \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
+ fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+ "using \"%s\", %d%% (choice = %d)\n",
+ fp->name, fp->percent, choice));
+ }
+ if (fp->percent != NO_PROB)
+ get_tbl(fp);
+ else {
+ if (fp->next != NULL) {
+ sum_noprobs(fp);
+ choice = arc4random_uniform(Noprob_tbl.str_numstr);
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "choice = %d (of %u) \n", choice,
+ Noprob_tbl.str_numstr));
+ while ((unsigned int)choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr) {
+ choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ fp = fp->next;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr,
+ " skip \"%s\", %u (choice = %d)\n",
+ fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr,
+ choice));
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "using \"%s\", %u\n", fp->name,
+ fp->tbl.str_numstr));
+ }
+ get_tbl(fp);
+ }
+ if (fp->child != NULL) {
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "picking child\n"));
+ fp = pick_child(fp);
+ }
+ Fortfile = fp;
+ get_pos(fp);
+ open_dat(fp);
+ lseek(fp->datfd,
+ (off_t) (sizeof fp->tbl + fp->pos * sizeof Seekpts[0]), SEEK_SET);
+ read(fp->datfd, Seekpts, sizeof Seekpts);
+ Seekpts[0] = be64toh(Seekpts[0]);
+ Seekpts[1] = be64toh(Seekpts[1]);
+}
+
+/*
+ * pick_child
+ * Pick a child from a chosen parent.
+ */
+static FILEDESC *
+pick_child(FILEDESC *parent)
+{
+ FILEDESC *fp;
+ int choice;
+
+ if (Equal_probs) {
+ choice = arc4random_uniform(parent->num_children);
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " choice = %d (of %d)\n",
+ choice, parent->num_children));
+ for (fp = parent->child; choice--; fp = fp->next)
+ continue;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " using %s\n", fp->name));
+ return (fp);
+ }
+ else {
+ get_tbl(parent);
+ choice = arc4random_uniform(parent->tbl.str_numstr);
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " choice = %d (of %u)\n",
+ choice, parent->tbl.str_numstr));
+ for (fp = parent->child; (unsigned)choice >= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ fp = fp->next) {
+ choice -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "\tskip %s, %u (choice = %d)\n",
+ fp->name, fp->tbl.str_numstr, choice));
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " using %s, %u\n", fp->name,
+ fp->tbl.str_numstr));
+ return (fp);
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * sum_noprobs:
+ * Sum up all the noprob probabilities, starting with fp.
+ */
+static void
+sum_noprobs(FILEDESC *fp)
+{
+ static bool did_noprobs = FALSE;
+
+ if (did_noprobs)
+ return;
+ zero_tbl(&Noprob_tbl);
+ while (fp != NULL) {
+ get_tbl(fp);
+ sum_tbl(&Noprob_tbl, &fp->tbl);
+ fp = fp->next;
+ }
+ did_noprobs = TRUE;
+}
+
+static int
+max(int i, int j)
+{
+ return (i >= j ? i : j);
+}
+
+/*
+ * open_fp:
+ * Assocatiate a FILE * with the given FILEDESC.
+ */
+static void
+open_fp(FILEDESC *fp)
+{
+ if (fp->inf == NULL && (fp->inf = fdopen(fp->fd, "r")) == NULL) {
+ perror(fp->path);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * open_dat:
+ * Open up the dat file if we need to.
+ */
+static void
+open_dat(FILEDESC *fp)
+{
+ if (fp->datfd < 0 && (fp->datfd = open(fp->datfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0) {
+ perror(fp->datfile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * get_pos:
+ * Get the position from the pos file, if there is one. If not,
+ * return a random number.
+ */
+static void
+get_pos(FILEDESC *fp)
+{
+ int fd;
+
+ assert(fp->read_tbl);
+ if (fp->pos == POS_UNKNOWN) {
+ if (WriteToDisk) {
+ if ((fd = open(fp->posfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0 ||
+ read(fd, &fp->pos, sizeof fp->pos) != sizeof fp->pos)
+ fp->pos = arc4random_uniform(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
+ else if (fp->pos >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
+ fp->pos %= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ if (fd >= 0)
+ close(fd);
+ }
+ else
+ fp->pos = arc4random_uniform(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
+ }
+ if (++(fp->pos) >= fp->tbl.str_numstr)
+ fp->pos -= fp->tbl.str_numstr;
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "pos for %s is %ld\n", fp->name, (long)fp->pos));
+}
+
+/*
+ * get_tbl:
+ * Get the tbl data file the datfile.
+ */
+static void
+get_tbl(FILEDESC *fp)
+{
+ int fd;
+ FILEDESC *child;
+
+ if (fp->read_tbl)
+ return;
+ if (fp->child == NULL) {
+ if ((fd = open(fp->datfile, O_RDONLY)) < 0) {
+ perror(fp->datfile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if (read(fd, (char *) &fp->tbl, sizeof fp->tbl) != sizeof fp->tbl) {
+ (void)fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: %s corrupted\n", fp->path);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ /* fp->tbl.str_version = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_version); */
+ fp->tbl.str_numstr = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_numstr);
+ fp->tbl.str_longlen = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_longlen);
+ fp->tbl.str_shortlen = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_shortlen);
+ fp->tbl.str_flags = be32toh(fp->tbl.str_flags);
+ (void) close(fd);
+ }
+ else {
+ zero_tbl(&fp->tbl);
+ for (child = fp->child; child != NULL; child = child->next) {
+ get_tbl(child);
+ sum_tbl(&fp->tbl, &child->tbl);
+ }
+ }
+ fp->read_tbl = TRUE;
+}
+
+/*
+ * zero_tbl:
+ * Zero out the fields we care about in a tbl structure.
+ */
+static void
+zero_tbl(STRFILE *tp)
+{
+ tp->str_numstr = 0;
+ tp->str_longlen = 0;
+ tp->str_shortlen = ~0;
+}
+
+/*
+ * sum_tbl:
+ * Merge the tbl data of t2 into t1.
+ */
+static void
+sum_tbl(STRFILE *t1, STRFILE *t2)
+{
+ t1->str_numstr += t2->str_numstr;
+ if (t1->str_longlen < t2->str_longlen)
+ t1->str_longlen = t2->str_longlen;
+ if (t1->str_shortlen > t2->str_shortlen)
+ t1->str_shortlen = t2->str_shortlen;
+}
+
+#define STR(str) ((str) == NULL ? "NULL" : (str))
+
+/*
+ * print_file_list:
+ * Print out the file list
+ */
+static void
+print_file_list(void)
+{
+ print_list(File_list, 0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * print_list:
+ * Print out the actual list, recursively.
+ */
+static void
+print_list(FILEDESC *list, int lev)
+{
+ while (list != NULL) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "%*s", lev * 4, "");
+ if (list->percent == NO_PROB)
+ fprintf(stderr, "___%%");
+ else
+ fprintf(stderr, "%3d%%", list->percent);
+ fprintf(stderr, " %s", STR(list->name));
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, " (%s, %s, %s)", STR(list->path),
+ STR(list->datfile), STR(list->posfile)));
+ fprintf(stderr, "\n");
+ if (list->child != NULL)
+ print_list(list->child, lev + 1);
+ list = list->next;
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * conv_pat:
+ * Convert the pattern to an ignore-case equivalent.
+ */
+static char *
+conv_pat(char *orig)
+{
+ char *sp;
+ unsigned int cnt;
+ char *new;
+
+ cnt = 1; /* allow for '\0' */
+ for (sp = orig; *sp != '\0'; sp++)
+ if (isalpha((unsigned char)*sp))
+ cnt += 4;
+ else
+ cnt++;
+ if ((new = malloc(cnt)) == NULL) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "pattern too long for ignoring case\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+
+ for (sp = new; *orig != '\0'; orig++) {
+ if (islower((unsigned char)*orig)) {
+ *sp++ = '[';
+ *sp++ = *orig;
+ *sp++ = toupper((unsigned char)*orig);
+ *sp++ = ']';
+ }
+ else if (isupper((unsigned char)*orig)) {
+ *sp++ = '[';
+ *sp++ = *orig;
+ *sp++ = tolower((unsigned char)*orig);
+ *sp++ = ']';
+ }
+ else
+ *sp++ = *orig;
+ }
+ *sp = '\0';
+
+ return (new);
+}
+
+/*
+ * find_matches:
+ * Find all the fortunes which match the pattern we've been given.
+ */
+static int
+find_matches(void)
+{
+ Fort_len = maxlen_in_list(File_list);
+ DPRINTF(2, (stderr, "Maximum length is %d\n", Fort_len));
+ /* extra length, "%\n" is appended */
+ Fortbuf = do_malloc((unsigned int) Fort_len + 10);
+
+ Found_one = FALSE;
+ matches_in_list(File_list);
+
+ return (Found_one);
+}
+
+/*
+ * maxlen_in_list
+ * Return the maximum fortune len in the file list.
+ */
+static int
+maxlen_in_list(FILEDESC *list)
+{
+ FILEDESC *fp;
+ int len, maxlen;
+
+ maxlen = 0;
+ for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
+ if (fp->child != NULL) {
+ if ((len = maxlen_in_list(fp->child)) > maxlen)
+ maxlen = len;
+ }
+ else {
+ get_tbl(fp);
+ if (fp->tbl.str_longlen > (unsigned int)maxlen)
+ maxlen = fp->tbl.str_longlen;
+ }
+ }
+
+ return (maxlen);
+}
+
+/*
+ * matches_in_list
+ * Print out the matches from the files in the list.
+ */
+static void
+matches_in_list(FILEDESC *list)
+{
+ char *sp, *p;
+ FILEDESC *fp;
+ int in_file;
+ unsigned char ch;
+
+ for (fp = list; fp != NULL; fp = fp->next) {
+ if (fp->child != NULL) {
+ matches_in_list(fp->child);
+ continue;
+ }
+ DPRINTF(1, (stderr, "searching in %s\n", fp->path));
+ open_fp(fp);
+ sp = Fortbuf;
+ in_file = FALSE;
+ while (fgets(sp, Fort_len, fp->inf) != NULL)
+ if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_COMMENTS
+ && sp[0] == fp->tbl.str_delim
+ && sp[1] == fp->tbl.str_delim)
+ continue;
+ else if (!STR_ENDSTRING(sp, fp->tbl))
+ sp += strlen(sp);
+ else {
+ *sp = '\0';
+ if (fp->tbl.str_flags & STR_ROTATED)
+ for (p = Fortbuf; (ch = *p) != '\0'; ++p) {
+ if (isascii(ch)) {
+ if (isupper(ch))
+ *p = 'A' + (ch - 'A' + 13) % 26;
+ else if (islower(ch))
+ *p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26;
+ }
+ }
+ if (regexec(&Re_pat, Fortbuf, 0, NULL, 0) != REG_NOMATCH) {
+ printf("%c%c", fp->tbl.str_delim,
+ fp->tbl.str_delim);
+ if (!in_file) {
+ printf(" (%s)", fp->name);
+ Found_one = TRUE;
+ in_file = TRUE;
+ }
+ putchar('\n');
+ (void) fwrite(Fortbuf, 1, (sp - Fortbuf), stdout);
+ }
+ sp = Fortbuf;
+ }
+ }
+}
+
+static void
+usage(void)
+{
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "fortune [-a");
+#ifdef DEBUG
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "D");
+#endif /* DEBUG */
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, "efilosw]");
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, " [-m pattern]");
+ (void) fprintf(stderr, " [[N%%] file/directory/all]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
+
+/*
+ * getpath
+ * Set up file search patch from environment var FORTUNE_PATH;
+ * if not set, use the compiled in FORTDIR.
+ */
+
+static void
+getpath(void)
+{
+ int nstr, foundenv;
+ char *pch, **ppch, *str, *path;
+
+ foundenv = 1;
+ Fortune_path = getenv("FORTUNE_PATH");
+ if (Fortune_path == NULL) {
+ Fortune_path = FORTDIR;
+ foundenv = 0;
+ }
+ path = strdup(Fortune_path);
+
+ for (nstr = 2, pch = path; *pch != '\0'; pch++) {
+ if (*pch == ':')
+ nstr++;
+ }
+
+ ppch = Fortune_path_arr = (char **)calloc(nstr, sizeof(char *));
+
+ nstr = 0;
+ str = strtok(path, ":");
+ while (str) {
+ if (is_dir(str)) {
+ nstr++;
+ *ppch++ = str;
+ }
+ str = strtok(NULL, ":");
+ }
+
+ if (nstr == 0) {
+ if (foundenv == 1) {
+ fprintf(stderr,
+ "fortune: FORTUNE_PATH: None of the specified "
+ "directories found.\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ free(path);
+ Fortune_path_arr[0] = strdup(FORTDIR);
+ }
+}
--- /dev/null
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)pathnames.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+ * $FreeBSD$
+ */
+
+#define FORTDIR "/usr/share/games/fortune:" \
+ "/usr/local/share/games/fortune"
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= strfile
+MAN= strfile.8
+MLINKS= strfile.8 unstr.8
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\"
+.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+.\" Ken Arnold.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)strfile.8 8.1 (Berkeley) 6/9/93
+.\" $FreeBSD$
+.\"
+.Dd February 17, 2005
+.Dt STRFILE 8
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm strfile ,
+.Nm unstr
+.Nd "create a random access file for storing strings"
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Fl Ciorsx
+.Op Fl c Ar char
+.Ar source_file
+.Op Ar output_file
+.Nm unstr
+.Ar source_file
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+The
+.Nm
+utility
+reads a file containing groups of lines separated by a line containing
+a single percent
+.Ql %
+sign and creates a data file which contains
+a header structure and a table of file offsets for each group of lines.
+This allows random access of the strings.
+.Pp
+The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named
+.Ar source_file Ns Pa .dat .
+.Pp
+The options are as follows:
+.Bl -tag -width ".Fl c Ar char"
+.It Fl C
+Flag the file as containing comments.
+This option cases the
+.Dv STR_COMMENTS
+bit in the header
+.Va str_flags
+field to be set.
+Comments are designated by two delimiter characters at the
+beginning of the line, though
+.Nm
+does not give any special
+treatment to comment lines.
+.It Fl c Ar char
+Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to
+.Ar char .
+.It Fl i
+Ignore case when ordering the strings.
+.It Fl o
+Order the strings in alphabetical order.
+The offset table will be sorted in the alphabetical order of the
+groups of lines referenced.
+Any initial non-alphanumeric characters are ignored.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_ORDERED
+bit in the header
+.Va str_flags
+field to be set.
+.It Fl r
+Randomize access to the strings.
+Entries in the offset table will be randomly ordered.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_RANDOM
+bit in the header
+.Va str_flags
+field to be set.
+.It Fl s
+Run silently; do not give a summary message when finished.
+.It Fl x
+Note that each alphabetic character in the groups of lines is rotated
+13 positions in a simple caesar cypher.
+This option causes the
+.Dv STR_ROTATED
+bit in the header
+.Va str_flags
+field to be set.
+.El
+.Pp
+The format of the header is:
+.Bd -literal
+#define VERSION 1
+uint32_t str_version; /* version number */
+uint32_t str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */
+uint32_t str_longlen; /* length of longest string */
+uint32_t str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */
+#define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */
+#define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */
+#define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */
+#define STR_COMMENTS 0x8 /* embedded comments */
+uint32_t str_flags; /* bit field for flags */
+char str_delim; /* delimiting character */
+.Ed
+.Pp
+All fields are written in network byte order.
+.Pp
+The purpose of
+.Nm unstr
+is to undo the work of
+.Nm .
+It prints out the strings contained in the file
+.Ar source_file
+in the order that they are listed in
+the header file
+.Ar source_file Ns Pa .dat
+to standard output.
+It is possible to create sorted versions of input files by using
+.Fl o
+when
+.Nm
+is run and then using
+.Nm unstr
+to dump them out in the table order.
+.Sh FILES
+.Bl -tag -width ".Pa strfile.dat" -compact
+.It Pa strfile.dat
+default output file.
+.El
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+.Xr byteorder 3 ,
+.Xr fortune 6
+.Sh HISTORY
+The
+.Nm
+utility first appeared in
+.Bx 4.4 .
--- /dev/null
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#if 0
+#ifndef lint
+static const char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)strfile.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif /* not lint */
+#endif
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
+
+#include <sys/param.h>
+#include <sys/endian.h>
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <locale.h>
+#include <stdbool.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <time.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#include "strfile.h"
+
+/*
+ * This program takes a file composed of strings separated by
+ * lines starting with two consecutive delimiting character (default
+ * character is '%') and creates another file which consists of a table
+ * describing the file (structure from "strfile.h"), a table of seek
+ * pointers to the start of the strings, and the strings, each terminated
+ * by a null byte. Usage:
+ *
+ * % strfile [-iorsx] [ -cC ] sourcefile [ datafile ]
+ *
+ * C - Allow comments marked by a double delimiter at line's beginning
+ * c - Change delimiting character from '%' to 'C'
+ * s - Silent. Give no summary of data processed at the end of
+ * the run.
+ * o - order the strings in alphabetic order
+ * i - if ordering, ignore case
+ * r - randomize the order of the strings
+ * x - set rotated bit
+ *
+ * Ken Arnold Sept. 7, 1978 --
+ *
+ * Added ordering options.
+ */
+
+#define STORING_PTRS (Oflag || Rflag)
+#define CHUNKSIZE 512
+
+#define ALLOC(ptr, sz) do { \
+ if (ptr == NULL) \
+ ptr = malloc(CHUNKSIZE * sizeof(*ptr)); \
+ else if (((sz) + 1) % CHUNKSIZE == 0) \
+ ptr = realloc(ptr, ((sz) + CHUNKSIZE) * sizeof(*ptr)); \
+ if (ptr == NULL) { \
+ fprintf(stderr, "out of space\n"); \
+ exit(1); \
+ } \
+ } while (0)
+
+typedef struct {
+ int first;
+ off_t pos;
+} STR;
+
+static char *Infile = NULL, /* input file name */
+ Outfile[MAXPATHLEN] = "", /* output file name */
+ Delimch = '%'; /* delimiting character */
+
+static int Cflag = false; /* embedded comments */
+static int Sflag = false; /* silent run flag */
+static int Oflag = false; /* ordering flag */
+static int Iflag = false; /* ignore case flag */
+static int Rflag = false; /* randomize order flag */
+static int Xflag = false; /* set rotated bit */
+static uint32_t Num_pts = 0; /* number of pointers/strings */
+
+static off_t *Seekpts;
+
+static FILE *Sort_1, *Sort_2; /* pointers for sorting */
+
+static STRFILE Tbl; /* statistics table */
+
+static STR *Firstch; /* first chars of each string */
+
+static void add_offset(FILE *, off_t);
+static int cmp_str(const void *, const void *);
+static int stable_collate_range_cmp(int, int);
+static void do_order(void);
+static void getargs(int, char **);
+static void randomize(void);
+static void usage(void);
+
+/*
+ * main:
+ * Drive the sucker. There are two main modes -- either we store
+ * the seek pointers, if the table is to be sorted or randomized,
+ * or we write the pointer directly to the file, if we are to stay
+ * in file order. If the former, we allocate and re-allocate in
+ * CHUNKSIZE blocks; if the latter, we just write each pointer,
+ * and then seek back to the beginning to write in the table.
+ */
+int
+main(int ac, char *av[])
+{
+ char *sp, *nsp, dc;
+ FILE *inf, *outf;
+ off_t last_off, pos, *p;
+ size_t length;
+ int first;
+ uint32_t cnt;
+ STR *fp;
+ static char string[257];
+
+ setlocale(LC_ALL, "");
+
+ getargs(ac, av); /* evalute arguments */
+ dc = Delimch;
+ if ((inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL) {
+ perror(Infile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+
+ if ((outf = fopen(Outfile, "w")) == NULL) {
+ perror(Outfile);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if (!STORING_PTRS)
+ fseek(outf, (long)sizeof(Tbl), SEEK_SET);
+
+ /*
+ * Write the strings onto the file
+ */
+
+ Tbl.str_longlen = 0;
+ Tbl.str_shortlen = 0xffffffff;
+ Tbl.str_delim = dc;
+ Tbl.str_version = VERSION;
+ first = Oflag;
+ add_offset(outf, ftello(inf));
+ last_off = 0;
+ do {
+ sp = fgets(string, 256, inf);
+ if (sp == NULL || (sp[0] == dc && sp[1] == '\n')) {
+ pos = ftello(inf);
+ length = (size_t)(pos - last_off) -
+ (sp != NULL ? strlen(sp) : 0);
+ last_off = pos;
+ if (length == 0)
+ continue;
+ add_offset(outf, pos);
+ if ((size_t)Tbl.str_longlen < length)
+ Tbl.str_longlen = length;
+ if ((size_t)Tbl.str_shortlen > length)
+ Tbl.str_shortlen = length;
+ first = Oflag;
+ }
+ else if (first) {
+ for (nsp = sp; !isalnum((unsigned char)*nsp); nsp++)
+ continue;
+ ALLOC(Firstch, Num_pts);
+ fp = &Firstch[Num_pts - 1];
+ if (Iflag && isupper((unsigned char)*nsp))
+ fp->first = tolower((unsigned char)*nsp);
+ else
+ fp->first = *nsp;
+ fp->pos = Seekpts[Num_pts - 1];
+ first = false;
+ }
+ } while (sp != NULL);
+
+ /*
+ * write the tables in
+ */
+
+ fclose(inf);
+ Tbl.str_numstr = Num_pts - 1;
+
+ if (Cflag)
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_COMMENTS;
+
+ if (Oflag)
+ do_order();
+ else if (Rflag)
+ randomize();
+
+ if (Xflag)
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ROTATED;
+
+ if (!Sflag) {
+ printf("\"%s\" created\n", Outfile);
+ if (Num_pts == 2)
+ puts("There was 1 string");
+ else
+ printf("There were %u strings\n", Num_pts - 1);
+ printf("Longest string: %u byte%s\n", Tbl.str_longlen,
+ Tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
+ printf("Shortest string: %u byte%s\n", Tbl.str_shortlen,
+ Tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
+ }
+
+ rewind(outf);
+ Tbl.str_version = htobe32(Tbl.str_version);
+ Tbl.str_numstr = htobe32(Tbl.str_numstr);
+ Tbl.str_longlen = htobe32(Tbl.str_longlen);
+ Tbl.str_shortlen = htobe32(Tbl.str_shortlen);
+ Tbl.str_flags = htobe32(Tbl.str_flags);
+ fwrite((char *)&Tbl, sizeof(Tbl), 1, outf);
+ if (STORING_PTRS) {
+ for (p = Seekpts, cnt = Num_pts; cnt--; ++p)
+ *p = htobe64(*p);
+ fwrite(Seekpts, sizeof(*Seekpts), (size_t)Num_pts, outf);
+ }
+ fclose(outf);
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * This routine evaluates arguments from the command line
+ */
+void
+getargs(int argc, char **argv)
+{
+ int ch;
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "Cc:iorsx")) != -1)
+ switch(ch) {
+ case 'C': /* embedded comments */
+ Cflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'c': /* new delimiting char */
+ Delimch = *optarg;
+ if (!isascii(Delimch)) {
+ printf("bad delimiting character: '\\%o\n'",
+ (unsigned char)Delimch);
+ }
+ break;
+ case 'i': /* ignore case in ordering */
+ Iflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'o': /* order strings */
+ Oflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'r': /* randomize pointers */
+ Rflag++;
+ break;
+ case 's': /* silent */
+ Sflag++;
+ break;
+ case 'x': /* set the rotated bit */
+ Xflag++;
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ usage();
+ }
+ argv += optind;
+
+ if (*argv) {
+ Infile = *argv;
+ if (*++argv)
+ strcpy(Outfile, *argv);
+ }
+ if (!Infile) {
+ puts("No input file name");
+ usage();
+ }
+ if (*Outfile == '\0') {
+ strcpy(Outfile, Infile);
+ strcat(Outfile, ".dat");
+ }
+}
+
+void
+usage(void)
+{
+ fprintf(stderr,
+ "strfile [-Ciorsx] [-c char] source_file [output_file]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
+
+/*
+ * add_offset:
+ * Add an offset to the list, or write it out, as appropriate.
+ */
+void
+add_offset(FILE *fp, off_t off)
+{
+ off_t beoff;
+
+ if (!STORING_PTRS) {
+ beoff = htobe64(off);
+ fwrite(&beoff, 1, sizeof(beoff), fp);
+ } else {
+ ALLOC(Seekpts, Num_pts + 1);
+ Seekpts[Num_pts] = off;
+ }
+ Num_pts++;
+}
+
+/*
+ * do_order:
+ * Order the strings alphabetically (possibly ignoring case).
+ */
+void
+do_order(void)
+{
+ uint32_t i;
+ off_t *lp;
+ STR *fp;
+
+ Sort_1 = fopen(Infile, "r");
+ Sort_2 = fopen(Infile, "r");
+ qsort(Firstch, (size_t)Tbl.str_numstr, sizeof(*Firstch), cmp_str);
+ i = Tbl.str_numstr;
+ lp = Seekpts;
+ fp = Firstch;
+ while (i--)
+ *lp++ = fp++->pos;
+ fclose(Sort_1);
+ fclose(Sort_2);
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ORDERED;
+}
+
+static int
+stable_collate_range_cmp(int c1, int c2)
+{
+ static char s1[2], s2[2];
+ int ret;
+
+ s1[0] = c1;
+ s2[0] = c2;
+ if ((ret = strcoll(s1, s2)) != 0)
+ return (ret);
+ return (c1 - c2);
+}
+
+/*
+ * cmp_str:
+ * Compare two strings in the file
+ */
+int
+cmp_str(const void *s1, const void *s2)
+{
+ const STR *p1, *p2;
+ int c1, c2, n1, n2, r;
+
+#define SET_N(nf,ch) (nf = (ch == '\n'))
+#define IS_END(ch,nf) (ch == EOF || (ch == (unsigned char)Delimch && nf))
+
+ p1 = (const STR *)s1;
+ p2 = (const STR *)s2;
+
+ c1 = (unsigned char)p1->first;
+ c2 = (unsigned char)p2->first;
+ if ((r = stable_collate_range_cmp(c1, c2)) != 0)
+ return (r);
+
+ fseeko(Sort_1, p1->pos, SEEK_SET);
+ fseeko(Sort_2, p2->pos, SEEK_SET);
+
+ n1 = false;
+ n2 = false;
+ while (!isalnum(c1 = getc(Sort_1)) && c1 != '\0' && c1 != EOF)
+ SET_N(n1, c1);
+ while (!isalnum(c2 = getc(Sort_2)) && c2 != '\0' && c2 != EOF)
+ SET_N(n2, c2);
+
+ while (!IS_END(c1, n1) && !IS_END(c2, n2)) {
+ if (Iflag) {
+ if (isupper(c1))
+ c1 = tolower(c1);
+ if (isupper(c2))
+ c2 = tolower(c2);
+ }
+ if ((r = stable_collate_range_cmp(c1, c2)) != 0)
+ return (r);
+ SET_N(n1, c1);
+ SET_N(n2, c2);
+ c1 = getc(Sort_1);
+ c2 = getc(Sort_2);
+ }
+ if (IS_END(c1, n1))
+ c1 = 0;
+ if (IS_END(c2, n2))
+ c2 = 0;
+
+ return (stable_collate_range_cmp(c1, c2));
+}
+
+/*
+ * randomize:
+ * Randomize the order of the string table. We must be careful
+ * not to randomize across delimiter boundaries. All
+ * randomization is done within each block.
+ */
+void
+randomize(void)
+{
+ uint32_t cnt, i;
+ off_t tmp;
+ off_t *sp;
+
+#if __FreeBSD_version < 800041
+ srandomdev();
+#endif
+
+ Tbl.str_flags |= STR_RANDOM;
+ cnt = Tbl.str_numstr;
+
+ /*
+ * move things around randomly
+ */
+
+ for (sp = Seekpts; cnt > 0; cnt--, sp++) {
+#if __FreeBSD_version < 800041
+ i = random() % cnt;
+#else
+ i = arc4random_uniform(cnt);
+#endif
+ tmp = sp[0];
+ sp[0] = sp[i];
+ sp[i] = tmp;
+ }
+}
--- /dev/null
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)strfile.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+ */
+/* $FreeBSD$ */
+
+#include <sys/types.h>
+
+#define STR_ENDSTRING(line,tbl) \
+ (((unsigned char)(line)[0]) == (tbl).str_delim && (line)[1] == '\n')
+
+typedef struct { /* information table */
+#define VERSION 1
+ uint32_t str_version; /* version number */
+ uint32_t str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */
+ uint32_t str_longlen; /* length of longest string */
+ uint32_t str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */
+#define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */
+#define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */
+#define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */
+#define STR_COMMENTS 0x8 /* embedded comments */
+ uint32_t str_flags; /* bit field for flags */
+ unsigned char stuff[4]; /* 64-bit aligned space */
+#define str_delim stuff[0] /* delimiting character */
+} STRFILE;
--- /dev/null
+#!/bin/sh -
+#
+# @(#)Do_spell 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+#
+
+F=_spell.$$
+echo $1
+spell < $1 > $F
+sort $F $1.sp.ok | uniq -u | column
+rm -f $F
--- /dev/null
+#!/bin/csh -f
+#
+# @(#)Do_troff 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+#
+
+set file=$1
+shift
+( echo ".ds Se $file" ; cat Troff.mac ; sed -f Troff.sed $file ) | \
+ $* -me >& $file.tr
+echo troff output in $file.tr
--- /dev/null
+.nr tp 8
+.nr hm 3v
+.nr fm 2v
+.nr tm 5v
+.nr bm 4v
+.cs R
+.sc
+.sz 6
+.ll +10n
+.lt \n(.l
+.de $h
+.tl 'Fortune Database'\\*(Se'\*(td'
+..
+.de $f
+.tl ''- % -''
+..
+.2c
+.nf
+.ta
+.ta 8n 16n 24n 32n 40n 48n 56n 64n 72n 80n
+.de %%
+.sp .3
+.ce
+\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq\|\(sq
+.sp .2
+..
--- /dev/null
+/^['.]/s//\\\&&/
+/^%%/s//.&/
+/--/s//\\*-/g
+/_\ba-squared cos 2(phi)/s//\\fIa\\fP\\u2\\d cos 2\\(*f/
+/__*\b\b*\([a-zA-Z]*\)/s//\\fI\1\\fP/g
+/"\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*:/g
+/`\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*`/g
+/'\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*'/g
+/~\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*~/g
+/\^\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*^/g
+/,\b\(.\)/s//\1\\*,/g
+/\(.\)\b\(.\)/s//\\o_\1\2_/g
+/\a\a*/s//\\(bs/g
--- /dev/null
+#! /bin/sh
+#
+# @(#)do_sort 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+#
+# an aggressive little script for sorting the fortune files
+# depends on octal 02 and 03 not being anywhere in the files.
+
+sp="/usr/bin/sort -dfu -T /var/tmp"
+
+sed 's/^%$/\ 2/' | tr '\12' '\3' | tr '\2' '\12' |
+ sed -e 's/^\ 3//' -e '/^$/d' -e 's/$/%/' |
+ $sp | tr '\3' '\12'
--- /dev/null
+#!/usr/local/bin/python
+#
+# $FreeBSD$
+#
+# an aggressive little script for trimming duplicate cookies
+
+import argparse
+import re
+
+wordlist = [
+ 'hadnot',
+ 'donot', 'hadnt',
+ 'dont', 'have', 'more', 'will', 'your',
+ 'and', 'are', 'had', 'the', 'you',
+ 'am', 'an', 'is', 'll', 've', 'we',
+ 'a', 'd', 'i', 'm', 's',
+]
+
+
+def hash(fortune):
+ f = fortune
+ f = f.lower()
+ f = re.sub('[\W_]', '', f)
+ for word in wordlist:
+ f = re.sub(word, '', f)
+# f = re.sub('[aeiouy]', '', f)
+# f = re.sub('[^aeiouy]', '', f)
+ f = f[:30]
+# f = f[-30:]
+ return f
+
+
+def edit(datfile):
+ dups = {}
+ fortunes = []
+ fortune = ""
+ with open(datfile, "r") as datfiledf:
+ for line in datfiledf:
+ if line == "%\n":
+ key = hash(fortune)
+ if key not in dups:
+ dups[key] = []
+ dups[key].append(fortune)
+ fortunes.append(fortune)
+ fortune = ""
+ else:
+ fortune += line
+ for key in list(dups.keys()):
+ if len(dups[key]) == 1:
+ del dups[key]
+ with open(datfile + "~", "w") as o:
+ for fortune in fortunes:
+ key = hash(fortune)
+ if key in dups:
+ print('\n' * 50)
+ for f in dups[key]:
+ if f != fortune:
+ print(f, '%')
+ print(fortune, '%')
+ if input("Remove last fortune? ") == 'y':
+ del dups[key]
+ continue
+ o.write(fortune + "%\n")
+
+parser = argparse.ArgumentParser(description="trimming duplicate cookies")
+parser.add_argument("filename", type=str, nargs=1)
+args = parser.parse_args()
+edit(args.filename[0])
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= unstr
+MAN=
+CFLAGS+= -I${.CURDIR}/../strfile
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Ken Arnold.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#if 0
+#ifndef lint
+static const char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1991, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)unstr.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif /* not lint */
+#endif
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
+
+/*
+ * This program un-does what "strfile" makes, thereby obtaining the
+ * original file again. This can be invoked with the name of the output
+ * file, the input file, or both. If invoked with only a single argument
+ * ending in ".dat", it is pressumed to be the input file and the output
+ * file will be the same stripped of the ".dat". If the single argument
+ * doesn't end in ".dat", then it is presumed to be the output file, and
+ * the input file is that name prepended by a ".dat". If both are given
+ * they are treated literally as the input and output files.
+ *
+ * Ken Arnold Aug 13, 1978
+ */
+
+#include <sys/param.h>
+#include <sys/endian.h>
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <err.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+
+#include "strfile.h"
+
+static char *Infile, /* name of input file */
+ Datafile[MAXPATHLEN], /* name of data file */
+ Delimch; /* delimiter character */
+
+static FILE *Inf, *Dataf;
+
+static void order_unstr(STRFILE *);
+
+/* ARGSUSED */
+int
+main(int argc, char *argv[])
+{
+ static STRFILE tbl; /* description table */
+
+ if (argc != 2) {
+ fprintf(stderr, "usage: unstr datafile\n");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ Infile = argv[1];
+ strcpy(Datafile, Infile);
+ strcat(Datafile, ".dat");
+ if ((Inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL)
+ err(1, "%s", Infile);
+ if ((Dataf = fopen(Datafile, "r")) == NULL)
+ err(1, "%s", Datafile);
+ fread((char *)&tbl, sizeof(tbl), 1, Dataf);
+ tbl.str_version = be32toh(tbl.str_version);
+ tbl.str_numstr = be32toh(tbl.str_numstr);
+ tbl.str_longlen = be32toh(tbl.str_longlen);
+ tbl.str_shortlen = be32toh(tbl.str_shortlen);
+ tbl.str_flags = be32toh(tbl.str_flags);
+ if (!(tbl.str_flags & (STR_ORDERED | STR_RANDOM)))
+ errx(1, "nothing to do -- table in file order");
+ Delimch = tbl.str_delim;
+ order_unstr(&tbl);
+ fclose(Inf);
+ fclose(Dataf);
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+static void
+order_unstr(STRFILE *tbl)
+{
+ uint32_t i;
+ char *sp;
+ off_t pos;
+ char buf[BUFSIZ];
+
+ for (i = 0; i < tbl->str_numstr; i++) {
+ fread(&pos, 1, sizeof(pos), Dataf);
+ fseeko(Inf, be64toh(pos), SEEK_SET);
+ if (i != 0)
+ printf("%c\n", Delimch);
+ for (;;) {
+ sp = fgets(buf, sizeof(buf), Inf);
+ if (sp == NULL || STR_ENDSTRING(sp, *tbl))
+ break;
+ else
+ fputs(sp, stdout);
+ }
+ }
+}
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= grdc
+MAN= grdc.6
+DPADD= ${LIBNCURSESW}
+LDADD= -lncursesw
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+ lib/ncurses/ncursesw \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+.\" $FreeBSD$
+.Dd September 25, 2001
+.Dt GRDC 6
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm grdc
+.Nd grand digital clock (curses)
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Fl st
+.Op Ar n
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+.Nm
+runs a digital clock made of reverse-video blanks on a curses
+compatible VDU screen.
+With an optional numeric argument
+.Ar n
+it stops after
+.Ar n
+seconds (default never).
+The optional
+.Fl s
+flag makes digits scroll as they change.
+The optional
+.Fl t
+flag tells grdc to output the time in a 12-hour format.
+In this curses mode implementation,
+the scrolling option has trouble keeping up.
+.Sh AUTHORS
+.An -nosplit
+.An Amos Shapir ,
+modified for curses by
+.An John Lupien .
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Grand digital clock for curses compatible terminals
+ * Usage: grdc [-st] [n] -- run for n seconds (default infinity)
+ * Flags: -s: scroll
+ * -t: output time in 12-hour format
+ *
+ *
+ * modified 10-18-89 for curses (jrl)
+ * 10-18-89 added signal handling
+ *
+ * modified 03-25-03 for 12 hour option
+ * - Samy Al Bahra <samy@kerneled.com>
+ *
+ * $FreeBSD$
+ */
+
+#include <err.h>
+#include <ncurses.h>
+#include <signal.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <time.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#define YBASE 10
+#define XBASE 10
+#define XLENGTH 58
+#define YDEPTH 7
+
+static struct timespec now;
+static struct tm *tm;
+
+static short disp[11] = {
+ 075557, 011111, 071747, 071717, 055711,
+ 074717, 074757, 071111, 075757, 075717, 002020
+};
+static long old[6], next[6], new[6], mask;
+
+static volatile sig_atomic_t sigtermed;
+
+static int hascolor = 0;
+
+static void set(int, int);
+static void standt(int);
+static void movto(int, int);
+static void sighndl(int);
+static void usage(void);
+
+static void
+sighndl(int signo)
+{
+
+ sigtermed = signo;
+}
+
+int
+main(int argc, char *argv[])
+{
+ struct timespec delay;
+ time_t prev_sec;
+ long t, a;
+ int i, j, s, k;
+ int n;
+ int ch;
+ int scrol;
+ int t12;
+
+ t12 = scrol = 0;
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "ts")) != -1)
+ switch (ch) {
+ case 's':
+ scrol = 1;
+ break;
+ case 't':
+ t12 = 1;
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ usage();
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+ }
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ if (argc > 1) {
+ usage();
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+ }
+
+ if (argc > 0) {
+ n = atoi(*argv) + 1;
+ if (n < 1) {
+ warnx("number of seconds is out of range");
+ usage();
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+ }
+ } else
+ n = 0;
+
+ initscr();
+
+ signal(SIGINT,sighndl);
+ signal(SIGTERM,sighndl);
+ signal(SIGHUP,sighndl);
+
+ cbreak();
+ noecho();
+ curs_set(0);
+
+ hascolor = has_colors();
+
+ if(hascolor) {
+ start_color();
+ init_pair(1, COLOR_BLACK, COLOR_RED);
+ init_pair(2, COLOR_RED, COLOR_BLACK);
+ init_pair(3, COLOR_WHITE, COLOR_BLACK);
+ attrset(COLOR_PAIR(2));
+ }
+
+ clear();
+ refresh();
+
+ if(hascolor) {
+ attrset(COLOR_PAIR(3));
+
+ mvaddch(YBASE - 2, XBASE - 3, ACS_ULCORNER);
+ hline(ACS_HLINE, XLENGTH);
+ mvaddch(YBASE - 2, XBASE - 2 + XLENGTH, ACS_URCORNER);
+
+ mvaddch(YBASE + YDEPTH - 1, XBASE - 3, ACS_LLCORNER);
+ hline(ACS_HLINE, XLENGTH);
+ mvaddch(YBASE + YDEPTH - 1, XBASE - 2 + XLENGTH, ACS_LRCORNER);
+
+ move(YBASE - 1, XBASE - 3);
+ vline(ACS_VLINE, YDEPTH);
+
+ move(YBASE - 1, XBASE - 2 + XLENGTH);
+ vline(ACS_VLINE, YDEPTH);
+
+ attrset(COLOR_PAIR(2));
+ }
+ clock_gettime(CLOCK_REALTIME_FAST, &now);
+ prev_sec = now.tv_sec;
+ do {
+ mask = 0;
+ tm = localtime(&now.tv_sec);
+ set(tm->tm_sec%10, 0);
+ set(tm->tm_sec/10, 4);
+ set(tm->tm_min%10, 10);
+ set(tm->tm_min/10, 14);
+
+ if (t12) {
+ if (tm->tm_hour < 12) {
+ if (tm->tm_hour == 0)
+ tm->tm_hour = 12;
+ mvaddstr(YBASE + 5, XBASE + 52, "AM");
+ } else {
+ if (tm->tm_hour > 12)
+ tm->tm_hour -= 12;
+ mvaddstr(YBASE + 5, XBASE + 52, "PM");
+ }
+ }
+
+ set(tm->tm_hour%10, 20);
+ set(tm->tm_hour/10, 24);
+ set(10, 7);
+ set(10, 17);
+ for(k=0; k<6; k++) {
+ if(scrol) {
+ for(i=0; i<5; i++)
+ new[i] = (new[i]&~mask) | (new[i+1]&mask);
+ new[5] = (new[5]&~mask) | (next[k]&mask);
+ } else
+ new[k] = (new[k]&~mask) | (next[k]&mask);
+ next[k] = 0;
+ for(s=1; s>=0; s--) {
+ standt(s);
+ for(i=0; i<6; i++) {
+ if((a = (new[i]^old[i])&(s ? new : old)[i]) != 0) {
+ for(j=0,t=1<<26; t; t>>=1,j++) {
+ if(a&t) {
+ if(!(a&(t<<1))) {
+ movto(YBASE + i, XBASE + 2*j);
+ }
+ addstr(" ");
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ if(!s) {
+ old[i] = new[i];
+ }
+ }
+ if(!s) {
+ refresh();
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ movto(6, 0);
+ refresh();
+ clock_gettime(CLOCK_REALTIME_FAST, &now);
+ if (now.tv_sec == prev_sec) {
+ if (delay.tv_nsec > 0) {
+ delay.tv_sec = 0;
+ delay.tv_nsec = 1000000000 - now.tv_nsec;
+ } else {
+ delay.tv_sec = 1;
+ delay.tv_nsec = 0;
+ }
+ nanosleep(&delay, NULL);
+ clock_gettime(CLOCK_REALTIME_FAST, &now);
+ }
+ n -= now.tv_sec - prev_sec;
+ prev_sec = now.tv_sec;
+ if (sigtermed) {
+ standend();
+ clear();
+ refresh();
+ endwin();
+ errx(1, "terminated by signal %d", (int)sigtermed);
+ }
+ } while (n);
+ standend();
+ clear();
+ refresh();
+ endwin();
+ return(0);
+}
+
+static void
+set(int t, int n)
+{
+ int i, m;
+
+ m = 7<<n;
+ for(i=0; i<5; i++) {
+ next[i] |= ((disp[t]>>(4-i)*3)&07)<<n;
+ mask |= (next[i]^old[i])&m;
+ }
+ if(mask&m)
+ mask |= m;
+}
+
+static void
+standt(int on)
+{
+ if (on) {
+ if(hascolor) {
+ attron(COLOR_PAIR(1));
+ } else {
+ attron(A_STANDOUT);
+ }
+ } else {
+ if(hascolor) {
+ attron(COLOR_PAIR(2));
+ } else {
+ attroff(A_STANDOUT);
+ }
+ }
+}
+
+static void
+movto(int line, int col)
+{
+ move(line, col);
+}
+
+static void
+usage(void)
+{
+
+ (void)fprintf(stderr, "usage: grdc [-st] [n]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= morse
+MAN= morse.6
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+.\" Copyright (c) 2000 Alexey Zelkin. All rights reserved.
+.\" Copyright (c) 1988, 1991, 1993
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)bcd.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+.\" $FreeBSD$
+.\"
+.Dd June 7, 2005
+.Dt MORSE 6
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm morse
+.Nd reformat input as morse code
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Fl elps
+.Op Fl d Ar device
+.Op Fl w Ar speed
+.Op Fl c Ar speed
+.Op Fl f Ar frequency
+.Op Ar string ...
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+The
+.Nm
+command reads the given input and reformats it in the form of morse code.
+Acceptable input are command line arguments or the standard input.
+.Pp
+Available options:
+.Bl -tag -width indent
+.It Fl l
+The
+.Fl l
+option produces output suitable for
+.Xr led 4
+devices.
+.It Fl s
+The
+.Fl s
+option produces dots and dashes rather than words.
+.It Fl p
+Send morse the real way.
+This only works if your system has
+.Xr speaker 4
+support.
+.It Fl w Ar speed
+Set the sending speed in words per minute.
+If not specified, the default
+speed of 20 WPM is used.
+.It Fl c Ar speed
+Farnsworth support.
+Set the spacing between characters in words per minute.
+This is independent of the speed
+that the individual characters are sent.
+If not specified, defaults to the effective value of the
+.Fl w
+option.
+.It Fl f Ar frequency
+Set the sidetone frequency to something other than the default 600 Hz.
+.It Fl d Ar device
+Similar to
+.Fl p ,
+but use the RTS line of
+.Ar device
+(which must by a TTY device)
+in order to emit the morse code.
+.It Fl e
+Echo each character before it is sent, used together with either
+.Fl p
+or
+.Fl d .
+.El
+.Pp
+The
+.Fl w , c
+and
+.Fl f
+flags only work in conjunction with either the
+.Fl p
+or the
+.Fl d
+flag.
+.Pp
+Not all prosigns have corresponding characters.
+Use
+.Ql #
+for
+.Em AS ,
+.Ql &
+for
+.Em SK ,
+.Ql *
+for
+.Em VE
+and
+.Ql %
+for
+.Em BK .
+The more common prosigns are
+.Ql =
+for
+.Em BT ,
+.Ql \&(
+for
+.Em KN
+and
+.Ql +
+for
+.Em AR .
+.Pp
+Using the
+.Fl d
+flag,
+it is possible to key an external device, like a sidetone generator with
+a headset for training purposes, or even your ham radio transceiver.
+For
+the latter, simply connect an NPN transistor to the serial port
+.Ar device ,
+emitter connected to ground, base connected through a resistor
+(few kiloohms) to RTS, collector to the key line of your transceiver
+(assuming the transceiver has a positive key supply voltage and is keyed
+by grounding the key input line).
+A capacitor (some nanofarads) between
+base and ground is advisable to keep stray RF away,
+and to suppress the
+minor glitch that is generated during program startup.
+.Sh ENVIRONMENT
+Your
+.Ev LC_CTYPE
+locale codeset determines how
+characters with the high-order bit set
+are interpreted.
+.Pp
+.Bl -tag -width ".Li ISO8859-15" -compact
+.It Li ISO8859-1
+.It Li ISO8859-15
+Interpret characters with the high-order bit set as Western European characters.
+.Pp
+.It Li KOI8-R
+Interpret characters with the high-order bit set as Cyrillic characters.
+.Pp
+.It Li ISO8859-7
+Interpret characters with the high-order bit set as Greek characters.
+.El
+.Sh FILES
+.Bl -tag -width ".Pa /dev/speaker" -compact
+.It Pa /dev/speaker
+.Xr speaker 4
+device file
+.El
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+.Xr speaker 4
+.Sh HISTORY
+Sound support for
+.Nm
+added by
+.An Lyndon Nerenberg (VE6BBM) Aq Mt lyndon@orthanc.ca .
+.Pp
+Ability to key an external device added by
+.An J\(:org Wunsch
+(DL8DTL).
+.Pp
+Farnsworth support for
+.Nm
+added by
+.An Stephen Cravey (N5UUU).
+.Sh BUGS
+Only understands a few European characters
+(German and French),
+no Asian characters,
+and no continental landline code.
+.Pp
+Sends a bit slower than it should due to system overhead.
+Some people would call this a feature.
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1988, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+/*
+ * Taught to send *real* morse by Lyndon Nerenberg (VE6BBM)
+ * <lyndon@orthanc.ca>
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static const char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1988, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)morse.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif
+static const char rcsid[] =
+ "$FreeBSD$";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <sys/time.h>
+
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <fcntl.h>
+#include <langinfo.h>
+#include <locale.h>
+#include <signal.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <termios.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+/* Always use the speaker, let the open fail if -p is selected */
+#define SPEAKER "/dev/speaker"
+
+#ifdef SPEAKER
+#include <dev/speaker/speaker.h>
+#endif
+
+struct morsetab {
+ const char inchar;
+ const char *morse;
+};
+
+static const struct morsetab mtab[] = {
+
+ /* letters */
+
+ {'a', ".-"},
+ {'b', "-..."},
+ {'c', "-.-."},
+ {'d', "-.."},
+ {'e', "."},
+ {'f', "..-."},
+ {'g', "--."},
+ {'h', "...."},
+ {'i', ".."},
+ {'j', ".---"},
+ {'k', "-.-"},
+ {'l', ".-.."},
+ {'m', "--"},
+ {'n', "-."},
+ {'o', "---"},
+ {'p', ".--."},
+ {'q', "--.-"},
+ {'r', ".-."},
+ {'s', "..."},
+ {'t', "-"},
+ {'u', "..-"},
+ {'v', "...-"},
+ {'w', ".--"},
+ {'x', "-..-"},
+ {'y', "-.--"},
+ {'z', "--.."},
+
+ /* digits */
+
+ {'0', "-----"},
+ {'1', ".----"},
+ {'2', "..---"},
+ {'3', "...--"},
+ {'4', "....-"},
+ {'5', "....."},
+ {'6', "-...."},
+ {'7', "--..."},
+ {'8', "---.."},
+ {'9', "----."},
+
+ /* punctuation */
+
+ {',', "--..--"},
+ {'.', ".-.-.-"},
+ {'"', ".-..-."},
+ {'!', "..--."},
+ {'?', "..--.."},
+ {'/', "-..-."},
+ {'-', "-....-"},
+ {'=', "-...-"}, /* BT */
+ {':', "---..."},
+ {';', "-.-.-."},
+ {'(', "-.--."}, /* KN */
+ {')', "-.--.-"},
+ {'$', "...-..-"},
+ {'+', ".-.-."}, /* AR */
+ {'@', ".--.-."}, /* AC */
+
+ /* prosigns without already assigned values */
+
+ {'#', ".-..."}, /* AS */
+ {'&', "...-.-"}, /* SK */
+ {'*', "...-."}, /* VE */
+ {'%', "-...-.-"}, /* BK */
+
+ {'\0', ""}
+};
+
+/*
+ * Code-points for some Latin1 chars in ISO-8859-1 encoding.
+ * UTF-8 encoded chars in the comments.
+ */
+static const struct morsetab iso8859_1tab[] = {
+ {'\340', ".--.-"}, /* à */
+ {'\341', ".--.-"}, /* á */
+ {'\342', ".--.-"}, /* â */
+ {'\344', ".-.-"}, /* ä */
+ {'\347', "-.-.."}, /* ç */
+ {'\350', "..-.."}, /* è */
+ {'\351', "..-.."}, /* é */
+ {'\352', "-..-."}, /* ê */
+ {'\366', "---."}, /* ö */
+ {'\374', "..--"}, /* ü */
+
+ {'\0', ""}
+};
+
+/*
+ * Code-points for some Greek chars in ISO-8859-7 encoding.
+ * UTF-8 encoded chars in the comments.
+ */
+static const struct morsetab iso8859_7tab[] = {
+ /*
+ * This table does not implement:
+ * - the special sequences for the seven diphthongs,
+ * - the punctuation differences.
+ * Implementing these features would introduce too many
+ * special-cases in the program's main loop.
+ * The diphthong sequences are:
+ * alpha iota .-.-
+ * alpha upsilon ..--
+ * epsilon upsilon ---.
+ * eta upsilon ...-
+ * omicron iota ---..
+ * omicron upsilon ..-
+ * upsilon iota .---
+ * The different punctuation symbols are:
+ * ; ..-.-
+ * ! --..--
+ */
+ {'\341', ".-"}, /* α, alpha */
+ {'\334', ".-"}, /* ά, alpha with acute */
+ {'\342', "-..."}, /* β, beta */
+ {'\343', "--."}, /* γ, gamma */
+ {'\344', "-.."}, /* δ, delta */
+ {'\345', "."}, /* ε, epsilon */
+ {'\335', "."}, /* έ, epsilon with acute */
+ {'\346', "--.."}, /* ζ, zeta */
+ {'\347', "...."}, /* η, eta */
+ {'\336', "...."}, /* ή, eta with acute */
+ {'\350', "-.-."}, /* θ, theta */
+ {'\351', ".."}, /* ι, iota */
+ {'\337', ".."}, /* ί, iota with acute */
+ {'\372', ".."}, /* ϊ, iota with diaeresis */
+ {'\300', ".."}, /* ΐ, iota with acute and diaeresis */
+ {'\352', "-.-"}, /* κ, kappa */
+ {'\353', ".-.."}, /* λ, lambda */
+ {'\354', "--"}, /* μ, mu */
+ {'\355', "-."}, /* ν, nu */
+ {'\356', "-..-"}, /* ξ, xi */
+ {'\357', "---"}, /* ο, omicron */
+ {'\374', "---"}, /* ό, omicron with acute */
+ {'\360', ".--."}, /* π, pi */
+ {'\361', ".-."}, /* ρ, rho */
+ {'\363', "..."}, /* σ, sigma */
+ {'\362', "..."}, /* ς, final sigma */
+ {'\364', "-"}, /* τ, tau */
+ {'\365', "-.--"}, /* υ, upsilon */
+ {'\375', "-.--"}, /* ύ, upsilon with acute */
+ {'\373', "-.--"}, /* ϋ, upsilon and diaeresis */
+ {'\340', "-.--"}, /* ΰ, upsilon with acute and diaeresis */
+ {'\366', "..-."}, /* φ, phi */
+ {'\367', "----"}, /* χ, chi */
+ {'\370', "--.-"}, /* ψ, psi */
+ {'\371', ".--"}, /* ω, omega */
+ {'\376', ".--"}, /* ώ, omega with acute */
+
+ {'\0', ""}
+};
+
+/*
+ * Code-points for the Cyrillic alphabet in KOI8-R encoding.
+ * UTF-8 encoded chars in the comments.
+ */
+static const struct morsetab koi8rtab[] = {
+ {'\301', ".-"}, /* а, a */
+ {'\302', "-..."}, /* б, be */
+ {'\327', ".--"}, /* в, ve */
+ {'\307', "--."}, /* г, ge */
+ {'\304', "-.."}, /* д, de */
+ {'\305', "."}, /* е, ye */
+ {'\243', "."}, /* ё, yo, the same as ye */
+ {'\326', "...-"}, /* ж, she */
+ {'\332', "--.."}, /* з, ze */
+ {'\311', ".."}, /* и, i */
+ {'\312', ".---"}, /* й, i kratkoye */
+ {'\313', "-.-"}, /* к, ka */
+ {'\314', ".-.."}, /* л, el */
+ {'\315', "--"}, /* м, em */
+ {'\316', "-."}, /* н, en */
+ {'\317', "---"}, /* о, o */
+ {'\320', ".--."}, /* п, pe */
+ {'\322', ".-."}, /* р, er */
+ {'\323', "..."}, /* с, es */
+ {'\324', "-"}, /* т, te */
+ {'\325', "..-"}, /* у, u */
+ {'\306', "..-."}, /* ф, ef */
+ {'\310', "...."}, /* х, kha */
+ {'\303', "-.-."}, /* ц, ce */
+ {'\336', "---."}, /* ч, che */
+ {'\333', "----"}, /* ш, sha */
+ {'\335', "--.-"}, /* щ, shcha */
+ {'\331', "-.--"}, /* ы, yi */
+ {'\330', "-..-"}, /* ь, myakhkij znak */
+ {'\334', "..-.."}, /* э, ae */
+ {'\300', "..--"}, /* ю, yu */
+ {'\321', ".-.-"}, /* я, ya */
+
+ {'\0', ""}
+};
+
+static void show(const char *), play(const char *), morse(char);
+static void ttyout(const char *);
+static void sighandler(int);
+
+#define GETOPTOPTS "c:d:ef:lsw:"
+#define USAGE \
+"usage: morse [-els] [-d device] [-w speed] [-c speed] [-f frequency] [string ...]\n"
+
+static int pflag, lflag, sflag, eflag;
+static int wpm = 20; /* effective words per minute */
+static int cpm; /* effective words per minute between
+ * characters */
+#define FREQUENCY 600
+static int freq = FREQUENCY;
+static char *device; /* for tty-controlled generator */
+
+#define DASH_LEN 3
+#define CHAR_SPACE 3
+#define WORD_SPACE (7 - CHAR_SPACE - 1)
+static float dot_clock;
+static float cdot_clock;
+static int spkr, line;
+static struct termios otty, ntty;
+static int olflags;
+
+#ifdef SPEAKER
+static tone_t sound;
+#undef GETOPTOPTS
+#define GETOPTOPTS "c:d:ef:lpsw:"
+#undef USAGE
+#define USAGE \
+"usage: morse [-elps] [-d device] [-w speed] [-c speed] [-f frequency] [string ...]\n"
+#endif
+
+static const struct morsetab *hightab;
+
+int
+main(int argc, char **argv)
+{
+ int ch, lflags;
+ char *p, *codeset;
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, GETOPTOPTS)) != -1)
+ switch ((char) ch) {
+ case 'c':
+ cpm = atoi(optarg);
+ break;
+ case 'd':
+ device = optarg;
+ break;
+ case 'e':
+ eflag = 1;
+ setvbuf(stdout, 0, _IONBF, 0);
+ break;
+ case 'f':
+ freq = atoi(optarg);
+ break;
+ case 'l':
+ lflag = 1;
+ break;
+#ifdef SPEAKER
+ case 'p':
+ pflag = 1;
+ break;
+#endif
+ case 's':
+ sflag = 1;
+ break;
+ case 'w':
+ wpm = atoi(optarg);
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ fputs(USAGE, stderr);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if (sflag && lflag) {
+ fputs("morse: only one of -l and -s allowed\n", stderr);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if ((pflag || device) && (sflag || lflag)) {
+ fputs("morse: only one of -p, -d and -l, -s allowed\n", stderr);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if (cpm == 0)
+ cpm = wpm;
+ if ((pflag || device) && ((wpm < 1) || (wpm > 60) || (cpm < 1) || (cpm > 60))) {
+ fputs("morse: insane speed\n", stderr);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if ((pflag || device) && (freq == 0))
+ freq = FREQUENCY;
+
+#ifdef SPEAKER
+ if (pflag) {
+ if ((spkr = open(SPEAKER, O_WRONLY, 0)) == -1) {
+ perror(SPEAKER);
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ } else
+#endif
+ if (device) {
+ if ((line = open(device, O_WRONLY | O_NONBLOCK)) == -1) {
+ perror("open tty line");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ if (tcgetattr(line, &otty) == -1) {
+ perror("tcgetattr() failed");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ ntty = otty;
+ ntty.c_cflag |= CLOCAL;
+ tcsetattr(line, TCSANOW, &ntty);
+ lflags = fcntl(line, F_GETFL);
+ lflags &= ~O_NONBLOCK;
+ fcntl(line, F_SETFL, &lflags);
+ ioctl(line, TIOCMGET, &lflags);
+ lflags &= ~TIOCM_RTS;
+ olflags = lflags;
+ ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &lflags);
+ (void)signal(SIGHUP, sighandler);
+ (void)signal(SIGINT, sighandler);
+ (void)signal(SIGQUIT, sighandler);
+ (void)signal(SIGTERM, sighandler);
+ }
+ if (pflag || device) {
+ dot_clock = wpm / 2.4; /* dots/sec */
+ dot_clock = 1 / dot_clock; /* duration of a dot */
+ dot_clock = dot_clock / 2; /* dot_clock runs at twice */
+ /* the dot rate */
+ dot_clock = dot_clock * 100; /* scale for ioctl */
+
+ cdot_clock = cpm / 2.4; /* dots/sec */
+ cdot_clock = 1 / cdot_clock; /* duration of a dot */
+ cdot_clock = cdot_clock / 2; /* dot_clock runs at twice */
+ /* the dot rate */
+ cdot_clock = cdot_clock * 100; /* scale for ioctl */
+ }
+
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ if (setlocale(LC_CTYPE, "") != NULL &&
+ *(codeset = nl_langinfo(CODESET)) != '\0') {
+ if (strcmp(codeset, "KOI8-R") == 0)
+ hightab = koi8rtab;
+ else if (strcmp(codeset, "ISO8859-1") == 0 ||
+ strcmp(codeset, "ISO8859-15") == 0)
+ hightab = iso8859_1tab;
+ else if (strcmp(codeset, "ISO8859-7") == 0)
+ hightab = iso8859_7tab;
+ }
+
+ if (lflag)
+ printf("m");
+ if (*argv) {
+ do {
+ for (p = *argv; *p; ++p) {
+ if (eflag)
+ putchar(*p);
+ morse(*p);
+ }
+ if (eflag)
+ putchar(' ');
+ morse(' ');
+ } while (*++argv);
+ } else {
+ while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF) {
+ if (eflag)
+ putchar(ch);
+ morse(ch);
+ }
+ }
+ if (device)
+ tcsetattr(line, TCSANOW, &otty);
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+static void
+morse(char c)
+{
+ const struct morsetab *m;
+
+ if (isalpha((unsigned char)c))
+ c = tolower((unsigned char)c);
+ if ((c == '\r') || (c == '\n'))
+ c = ' ';
+ if (c == ' ') {
+ if (pflag)
+ play(" ");
+ else if (device)
+ ttyout(" ");
+ else if (lflag)
+ printf("\n");
+ else
+ show("");
+ return;
+ }
+ for (m = ((unsigned char)c < 0x80? mtab: hightab);
+ m != NULL && m->inchar != '\0';
+ m++) {
+ if (m->inchar == c) {
+ if (pflag) {
+ play(m->morse);
+ } else if (device) {
+ ttyout(m->morse);
+ } else
+ show(m->morse);
+ }
+ }
+}
+
+static void
+show(const char *s)
+{
+ if (lflag) {
+ printf("%s ", s);
+ } else if (sflag) {
+ printf(" %s\n", s);
+ } else {
+ for (; *s; ++s)
+ printf(" %s", *s == '.' ? *(s + 1) == '\0' ? "dit" :
+ "di" : "dah");
+ printf("\n");
+ }
+}
+
+static void
+play(const char *s)
+{
+#ifdef SPEAKER
+ const char *c;
+
+ for (c = s; *c != '\0'; c++) {
+ switch (*c) {
+ case '.':
+ sound.frequency = freq;
+ sound.duration = dot_clock;
+ break;
+ case '-':
+ sound.frequency = freq;
+ sound.duration = dot_clock * DASH_LEN;
+ break;
+ case ' ':
+ sound.frequency = 0;
+ sound.duration = cdot_clock * WORD_SPACE;
+ break;
+ default:
+ sound.duration = 0;
+ }
+ if (sound.duration) {
+ if (ioctl(spkr, SPKRTONE, &sound) == -1) {
+ perror("ioctl play");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ }
+ sound.frequency = 0;
+ sound.duration = dot_clock;
+ if (ioctl(spkr, SPKRTONE, &sound) == -1) {
+ perror("ioctl rest");
+ exit(1);
+ }
+ }
+ sound.frequency = 0;
+ sound.duration = cdot_clock * CHAR_SPACE;
+ ioctl(spkr, SPKRTONE, &sound);
+#endif
+}
+
+static void
+ttyout(const char *s)
+{
+ const char *c;
+ int duration, on, lflags;
+
+ for (c = s; *c != '\0'; c++) {
+ switch (*c) {
+ case '.':
+ on = 1;
+ duration = dot_clock;
+ break;
+ case '-':
+ on = 1;
+ duration = dot_clock * DASH_LEN;
+ break;
+ case ' ':
+ on = 0;
+ duration = cdot_clock * WORD_SPACE;
+ break;
+ default:
+ on = 0;
+ duration = 0;
+ }
+ if (on) {
+ ioctl(line, TIOCMGET, &lflags);
+ lflags |= TIOCM_RTS;
+ ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &lflags);
+ }
+ duration *= 10000;
+ if (duration)
+ usleep(duration);
+ ioctl(line, TIOCMGET, &lflags);
+ lflags &= ~TIOCM_RTS;
+ ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &lflags);
+ duration = dot_clock * 10000;
+ usleep(duration);
+ }
+ duration = cdot_clock * CHAR_SPACE * 10000;
+ usleep(duration);
+}
+
+static void
+sighandler(int signo)
+{
+
+ ioctl(line, TIOCMSET, &olflags);
+ tcsetattr(line, TCSANOW, &otty);
+
+ signal(signo, SIG_DFL);
+ (void)kill(getpid(), signo);
+}
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= number
+MAN= number.6
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993, 1994
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)number.6 8.2 (Berkeley) 3/31/94
+.\" $FreeBSD$
+.\"
+.Dd March 31, 1994
+.Dt NUMBER 6
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm number
+.Nd convert Arabic numerals to English
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Fl l
+.Op Ar \&# ...
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+The
+.Nm
+utility prints the English equivalent of the number to the standard
+output, with each 10^3 magnitude displayed on a separate line.
+If no argument is specified,
+.Nm
+reads lines from the standard input.
+.Pp
+The options are as follows:
+.Bl -tag -width Ds
+.It Fl l
+Display the number on a single line.
+.El
+.Sh BUGS
+Although
+.Nm
+understand fractions, it does not understand exponents.
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1988, 1993, 1994
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static const char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1988, 1993, 1994\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)number.c 8.3 (Berkeley) 5/4/95";
+#endif
+static const char rcsid[] =
+ "$FreeBSD$";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#include <sys/types.h>
+
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <err.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#define MAXNUM 65 /* Biggest number we handle. */
+
+static const char *name1[] = {
+ "", "one", "two", "three",
+ "four", "five", "six", "seven",
+ "eight", "nine", "ten", "eleven",
+ "twelve", "thirteen", "fourteen", "fifteen",
+ "sixteen", "seventeen", "eighteen", "nineteen",
+},
+ *name2[] = {
+ "", "ten", "twenty", "thirty",
+ "forty", "fifty", "sixty", "seventy",
+ "eighty", "ninety",
+},
+ *name3[] = {
+ "hundred", "thousand", "million", "billion",
+ "trillion", "quadrillion", "quintillion", "sextillion",
+ "septillion", "octillion", "nonillion", "decillion",
+ "undecillion", "duodecillion", "tredecillion", "quattuordecillion",
+ "quindecillion", "sexdecillion",
+ "septendecillion", "octodecillion",
+ "novemdecillion", "vigintillion",
+};
+
+static void convert(char *);
+static int number(char *, int);
+static void pfract(int);
+static int unit(int, char *);
+static void usage(void);
+
+static int lflag;
+
+int
+main(int argc, char *argv[])
+{
+ int ch, first;
+ char line[256];
+
+ lflag = 0;
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "l")) != -1)
+ switch (ch) {
+ case 'l':
+ lflag = 1;
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ usage();
+ }
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ if (*argv == NULL)
+ for (first = 1;
+ fgets(line, sizeof(line), stdin) != NULL; first = 0) {
+ if (strchr(line, '\n') == NULL)
+ errx(1, "line too long.");
+ if (!first)
+ (void)printf("...\n");
+ convert(line);
+ }
+ else
+ for (first = 1; *argv != NULL; first = 0, ++argv) {
+ if (!first)
+ (void)printf("...\n");
+ convert(*argv);
+ }
+ exit(0);
+}
+
+static void
+convert(char *line)
+{
+ int flen, len, rval;
+ char *p, *fraction;
+
+ flen = 0;
+ fraction = NULL;
+ for (p = line; *p != '\0' && *p != '\n'; ++p) {
+ if (isblank(*p)) {
+ if (p == line) {
+ ++line;
+ continue;
+ }
+ goto badnum;
+ }
+ if (isdigit(*p))
+ continue;
+ switch (*p) {
+ case '.':
+ if (fraction != NULL)
+ goto badnum;
+ fraction = p + 1;
+ *p = '\0';
+ break;
+ case '-':
+ if (p == line)
+ break;
+ /* FALLTHROUGH */
+ default:
+badnum: errx(1, "illegal number: %s", line);
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ *p = '\0';
+
+ if ((len = strlen(line)) > MAXNUM ||
+ (fraction != NULL && ((flen = strlen(fraction)) > MAXNUM)))
+ errx(1, "number too large, max %d digits.", MAXNUM);
+
+ if (*line == '-') {
+ (void)printf("minus%s", lflag ? " " : "\n");
+ ++line;
+ --len;
+ }
+
+ rval = len > 0 ? unit(len, line) : 0;
+ if (fraction != NULL && flen != 0)
+ for (p = fraction; *p != '\0'; ++p)
+ if (*p != '0') {
+ if (rval)
+ (void)printf("%sand%s",
+ lflag ? " " : "",
+ lflag ? " " : "\n");
+ if (unit(flen, fraction)) {
+ if (lflag)
+ (void)printf(" ");
+ pfract(flen);
+ rval = 1;
+ }
+ break;
+ }
+ if (!rval)
+ (void)printf("zero%s", lflag ? "" : ".\n");
+ if (lflag)
+ (void)printf("\n");
+}
+
+static int
+unit(int len, char *p)
+{
+ int off, rval;
+
+ rval = 0;
+ if (len > 3) {
+ if (len % 3) {
+ off = len % 3;
+ len -= off;
+ if (number(p, off)) {
+ rval = 1;
+ (void)printf(" %s%s",
+ name3[len / 3], lflag ? " " : ".\n");
+ }
+ p += off;
+ }
+ for (; len > 3; p += 3) {
+ len -= 3;
+ if (number(p, 3)) {
+ rval = 1;
+ (void)printf(" %s%s",
+ name3[len / 3], lflag ? " " : ".\n");
+ }
+ }
+ }
+ if (number(p, len)) {
+ if (!lflag)
+ (void)printf(".\n");
+ rval = 1;
+ }
+ return (rval);
+}
+
+static int
+number(char *p, int len)
+{
+ int val, rval;
+
+ rval = 0;
+ switch (len) {
+ case 3:
+ if (*p != '0') {
+ rval = 1;
+ (void)printf("%s hundred", name1[*p - '0']);
+ }
+ ++p;
+ /* FALLTHROUGH */
+ case 2:
+ val = (p[1] - '0') + (p[0] - '0') * 10;
+ if (val) {
+ if (rval)
+ (void)printf(" ");
+ if (val < 20)
+ (void)printf("%s", name1[val]);
+ else {
+ (void)printf("%s", name2[val / 10]);
+ if (val % 10)
+ (void)printf("-%s", name1[val % 10]);
+ }
+ rval = 1;
+ }
+ break;
+ case 1:
+ if (*p != '0') {
+ rval = 1;
+ (void)printf("%s", name1[*p - '0']);
+ }
+ }
+ return (rval);
+}
+
+static void
+pfract(int len)
+{
+ static char const * const pref[] = { "", "ten-", "hundred-" };
+
+ switch(len) {
+ case 1:
+ (void)printf("tenths.\n");
+ break;
+ case 2:
+ (void)printf("hundredths.\n");
+ break;
+ default:
+ (void)printf("%s%sths.\n", pref[len % 3], name3[len / 3]);
+ break;
+ }
+}
+
+static void
+usage(void)
+{
+ (void)fprintf(stderr, "usage: number [-l] [# ...]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= pom
+MAN= pom.6
+DPADD= ${LIBM}
+LDADD= -lm
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+ lib/msun \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)pom.6 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+.\" $FreeBSD$
+.\"
+.Dd July 14, 2010
+.Dt POM 6
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm pom
+.Nd display the phase of the moon
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Fl p
+.Op Fl d Ar yyyy.mm.dd
+.Op Fl t Ar hh:mm:ss
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+The
+.Nm
+utility displays the current phase of the moon.
+Useful for selecting software completion target dates and predicting
+managerial behavior.
+.Pp
+Use the
+.Fl p
+option to print just the phase as a percentage.
+.Pp
+Use the arguments
+.Fl d
+and
+.Fl t
+to specify a specific date and time for which the phase of the moon
+has to be calculated.
+If
+.Fl d
+but not
+.Fl t
+has been specified, it will calculate the phase of the moon on that
+day at midnight.
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+`Practical Astronomy with Your Calculator' by Duffett-Smith.
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software posted to USENET.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#if 0
+#ifndef lint
+static const char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)pom.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif /* not lint */
+#endif
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
+
+/*
+ * Phase of the Moon. Calculates the current phase of the moon.
+ * Based on routines from `Practical Astronomy with Your Calculator',
+ * by Duffett-Smith. Comments give the section from the book that
+ * particular piece of code was adapted from.
+ *
+ * -- Keith E. Brandt VIII 1984
+ *
+ */
+
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <math.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <sysexits.h>
+#include <time.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#ifndef PI
+#define PI 3.14159265358979323846
+#endif
+#define EPOCH 85
+#define EPSILONg 279.611371 /* solar ecliptic long at EPOCH */
+#define RHOg 282.680403 /* solar ecliptic long of perigee at EPOCH */
+#define ECCEN 0.01671542 /* solar orbit eccentricity */
+#define lzero 18.251907 /* lunar mean long at EPOCH */
+#define Pzero 192.917585 /* lunar mean long of perigee at EPOCH */
+#define Nzero 55.204723 /* lunar mean long of node at EPOCH */
+#define isleap(y) ((((y) % 4) == 0 && ((y) % 100) != 0) || ((y) % 400) == 0)
+
+static void adj360(double *);
+static double dtor(double);
+static double potm(double);
+static void usage(char *progname);
+
+int
+main(int argc, char **argv)
+{
+ time_t tt;
+ struct tm GMT, tmd;
+ double days, today, tomorrow;
+ int ch, cnt, pflag = 0;
+ char *odate = NULL, *otime = NULL;
+ char *progname = argv[0];
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "d:pt:")) != -1)
+ switch (ch) {
+ case 'd':
+ odate = optarg;
+ break;
+ case 'p':
+ pflag = 1;
+ break;
+ case 't':
+ otime = optarg;
+ break;
+ default:
+ usage(progname);
+ }
+
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ if (argc)
+ usage(progname);
+
+ /* Adjust based on users preferences */
+ time(&tt);
+ if (otime != NULL || odate != NULL) {
+ /* Save today in case -d isn't specified */
+ localtime_r(&tt, &tmd);
+
+ if (odate != NULL) {
+ tmd.tm_year = strtol(odate, NULL, 10) - 1900;
+ tmd.tm_mon = strtol(odate + 5, NULL, 10) - 1;
+ tmd.tm_mday = strtol(odate + 8, NULL, 10);
+ /* Use midnight as the middle of the night */
+ tmd.tm_hour = 0;
+ tmd.tm_min = 0;
+ tmd.tm_sec = 0;
+ }
+ if (otime != NULL) {
+ tmd.tm_hour = strtol(otime, NULL, 10);
+ tmd.tm_min = strtol(otime + 3, NULL, 10);
+ tmd.tm_sec = strtol(otime + 6, NULL, 10);
+ }
+ tt = mktime(&tmd);
+ }
+
+ gmtime_r(&tt, &GMT);
+ days = (GMT.tm_yday + 1) + ((GMT.tm_hour +
+ (GMT.tm_min / 60.0) + (GMT.tm_sec / 3600.0)) / 24.0);
+ for (cnt = EPOCH; cnt < GMT.tm_year; ++cnt)
+ days += isleap(1900 + cnt) ? 366 : 365;
+ today = potm(days) + .5;
+ if (pflag) {
+ (void)printf("%1.0f\n", today);
+ return (0);
+ }
+ (void)printf("The Moon is ");
+ if ((int)today == 100)
+ (void)printf("Full\n");
+ else if (!(int)today)
+ (void)printf("New\n");
+ else {
+ tomorrow = potm(days + 1);
+ if ((int)today == 50)
+ (void)printf("%s\n", tomorrow > today ?
+ "at the First Quarter" : "at the Last Quarter");
+ else {
+ (void)printf("%s ", tomorrow > today ?
+ "Waxing" : "Waning");
+ if (today > 50)
+ (void)printf("Gibbous (%1.0f%% of Full)\n",
+ today);
+ else if (today < 50)
+ (void)printf("Crescent (%1.0f%% of Full)\n",
+ today);
+ }
+ }
+
+ return 0;
+}
+
+/*
+ * potm --
+ * return phase of the moon
+ */
+static double
+potm(double days)
+{
+ double N, Msol, Ec, LambdaSol, l, Mm, Ev, Ac, A3, Mmprime;
+ double A4, lprime, V, ldprime, D, Nm;
+
+ N = 360 * days / 365.2422; /* sec 42 #3 */
+ adj360(&N);
+ Msol = N + EPSILONg - RHOg; /* sec 42 #4 */
+ adj360(&Msol);
+ Ec = 360 / PI * ECCEN * sin(dtor(Msol)); /* sec 42 #5 */
+ LambdaSol = N + Ec + EPSILONg; /* sec 42 #6 */
+ adj360(&LambdaSol);
+ l = 13.1763966 * days + lzero; /* sec 61 #4 */
+ adj360(&l);
+ Mm = l - (0.1114041 * days) - Pzero; /* sec 61 #5 */
+ adj360(&Mm);
+ Nm = Nzero - (0.0529539 * days); /* sec 61 #6 */
+ adj360(&Nm);
+ Ev = 1.2739 * sin(dtor(2*(l - LambdaSol) - Mm)); /* sec 61 #7 */
+ Ac = 0.1858 * sin(dtor(Msol)); /* sec 61 #8 */
+ A3 = 0.37 * sin(dtor(Msol));
+ Mmprime = Mm + Ev - Ac - A3; /* sec 61 #9 */
+ Ec = 6.2886 * sin(dtor(Mmprime)); /* sec 61 #10 */
+ A4 = 0.214 * sin(dtor(2 * Mmprime)); /* sec 61 #11 */
+ lprime = l + Ev + Ec - Ac + A4; /* sec 61 #12 */
+ V = 0.6583 * sin(dtor(2 * (lprime - LambdaSol))); /* sec 61 #13 */
+ ldprime = lprime + V; /* sec 61 #14 */
+ D = ldprime - LambdaSol; /* sec 63 #2 */
+ return(50 * (1 - cos(dtor(D)))); /* sec 63 #3 */
+}
+
+/*
+ * dtor --
+ * convert degrees to radians
+ */
+static double
+dtor(double deg)
+{
+
+ return(deg * PI / 180);
+}
+
+/*
+ * adj360 --
+ * adjust value so 0 <= deg <= 360
+ */
+static void
+adj360(double *deg)
+{
+
+ for (;;)
+ if (*deg < 0)
+ *deg += 360;
+ else if (*deg > 360)
+ *deg -= 360;
+ else
+ break;
+}
+
+static void
+usage(char *progname)
+{
+
+ fprintf(stderr, "Usage: %s [-p] [-d yyyy.mm.dd] [-t hh:mm:ss]\n",
+ progname);
+ exit(EX_USAGE);
+}
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= primes
+SRCS= pattern.c pr_tbl.c primes.c spsp.c
+MAN=
+DPADD= ${LIBM}
+LDADD= -lm
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+ lib/msun \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Landon Curt Noll.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)pattern.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif
+static const char rcsid[] =
+ "$FreeBSD$";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+/*
+ * pattern - the Eratosthenes sieve on odd numbers for 3,5,7,11 and 13
+ *
+ * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com
+ *
+ * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
+ *
+ * To avoid excessive sieves for small factors, we use the table below to
+ * setup our sieve blocks. Each element represents an odd number starting
+ * with 1. All non-zero elements are factors of 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13.
+ */
+
+#include <stddef.h>
+
+#include "primes.h"
+
+const char pattern[] = {
+1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
+1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
+0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,
+0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,
+0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
+1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,
+0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,
+0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,
+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,
+1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,
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+1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,
+1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,
+0,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,1,0,0,1,1,0,0,1,0,1,1,0,0,0,0,0,0,0,1
+};
+const size_t pattern_size = (sizeof(pattern)/sizeof(pattern[0]));
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Landon Curt Noll.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)pr_tbl.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
+#endif
+static const char rcsid[] =
+ "$FreeBSD$";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+/*
+ * prime - prime table
+ *
+ * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
+ *
+ * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
+ *
+ * We are able to sieve 2^32-1 because this table has primes up to 65537
+ * and 65537^2 > 2^32-1.
+ */
+
+#include <stddef.h>
+
+#include "primes.h"
+
+const ubig prime[] = {
+2,3,5,7,11,13,17,19,23,29,31,37,41,43,47,53,59,61,67,71,73,79,83,89,97,101,103,
+107,109,113,127,131,137,139,149,151,157,163,167,173,179,181,191,193,197,199,
+211,223,227,229,233,239,241,251,257,263,269,271,277,281,283,293,307,311,313,
+317,331,337,347,349,353,359,367,373,379,383,389,397,401,409,419,421,431,433,
+439,443,449,457,461,463,467,479,487,491,499,503,509,521,523,541,547,557,563,
+569,571,577,587,593,599,601,607,613,617,619,631,641,643,647,653,659,661,673,
+677,683,691,701,709,719,727,733,739,743,751,757,761,769,773,787,797,809,811,
+821,823,827,829,839,853,857,859,863,877,881,883,887,907,911,919,929,937,941,
+947,953,967,971,977,983,991,997,1009,1013,1019,1021,1031,1033,1039,1049,1051,
+1061,1063,1069,1087,1091,1093,1097,1103,1109,1117,1123,1129,1151,1153,1163,
+1171,1181,1187,1193,1201,1213,1217,1223,1229,1231,1237,1249,1259,1277,1279,
+1283,1289,1291,1297,1301,1303,1307,1319,1321,1327,1361,1367,1373,1381,1399,
+1409,1423,1427,1429,1433,1439,1447,1451,1453,1459,1471,1481,1483,1487,1489,
+1493,1499,1511,1523,1531,1543,1549,1553,1559,1567,1571,1579,1583,1597,1601,
+1607,1609,1613,1619,1621,1627,1637,1657,1663,1667,1669,1693,1697,1699,1709,
+1721,1723,1733,1741,1747,1753,1759,1777,1783,1787,1789,1801,1811,1823,1831,
+1847,1861,1867,1871,1873,1877,1879,1889,1901,1907,1913,1931,1933,1949,1951,
+1973,1979,1987,1993,1997,1999,2003,2011,2017,2027,2029,2039,2053,2063,2069,
+2081,2083,2087,2089,2099,2111,2113,2129,2131,2137,2141,2143,2153,2161,2179,
+2203,2207,2213,2221,2237,2239,2243,2251,2267,2269,2273,2281,2287,2293,2297,
+2309,2311,2333,2339,2341,2347,2351,2357,2371,2377,2381,2383,2389,2393,2399,
+2411,2417,2423,2437,2441,2447,2459,2467,2473,2477,2503,2521,2531,2539,2543,
+2549,2551,2557,2579,2591,2593,2609,2617,2621,2633,2647,2657,2659,2663,2671,
+2677,2683,2687,2689,2693,2699,2707,2711,2713,2719,2729,2731,2741,2749,2753,
+2767,2777,2789,2791,2797,2801,2803,2819,2833,2837,2843,2851,2857,2861,2879,
+2887,2897,2903,2909,2917,2927,2939,2953,2957,2963,2969,2971,2999,3001,3011,
+3019,3023,3037,3041,3049,3061,3067,3079,3083,3089,3109,3119,3121,3137,3163,
+3167,3169,3181,3187,3191,3203,3209,3217,3221,3229,3251,3253,3257,3259,3271,
+3299,3301,3307,3313,3319,3323,3329,3331,3343,3347,3359,3361,3371,3373,3389,
+3391,3407,3413,3433,3449,3457,3461,3463,3467,3469,3491,3499,3511,3517,3527,
+3529,3533,3539,3541,3547,3557,3559,3571,3581,3583,3593,3607,3613,3617,3623,
+3631,3637,3643,3659,3671,3673,3677,3691,3697,3701,3709,3719,3727,3733,3739,
+3761,3767,3769,3779,3793,3797,3803,3821,3823,3833,3847,3851,3853,3863,3877,
+3881,3889,3907,3911,3917,3919,3923,3929,3931,3943,3947,3967,3989,4001,4003,
+4007,4013,4019,4021,4027,4049,4051,4057,4073,4079,4091,4093,4099,4111,4127,
+4129,4133,4139,4153,4157,4159,4177,4201,4211,4217,4219,4229,4231,4241,4243,
+4253,4259,4261,4271,4273,4283,4289,4297,4327,4337,4339,4349,4357,4363,4373,
+4391,4397,4409,4421,4423,4441,4447,4451,4457,4463,4481,4483,4493,4507,4513,
+4517,4519,4523,4547,4549,4561,4567,4583,4591,4597,4603,4621,4637,4639,4643,
+4649,4651,4657,4663,4673,4679,4691,4703,4721,4723,4729,4733,4751,4759,4783,
+4787,4789,4793,4799,4801,4813,4817,4831,4861,4871,4877,4889,4903,4909,4919,
+4931,4933,4937,4943,4951,4957,4967,4969,4973,4987,4993,4999,5003,5009,5011,
+5021,5023,5039,5051,5059,5077,5081,5087,5099,5101,5107,5113,5119,5147,5153,
+5167,5171,5179,5189,5197,5209,5227,5231,5233,5237,5261,5273,5279,5281,5297,
+5303,5309,5323,5333,5347,5351,5381,5387,5393,5399,5407,5413,5417,5419,5431,
+5437,5441,5443,5449,5471,5477,5479,5483,5501,5503,5507,5519,5521,5527,5531,
+5557,5563,5569,5573,5581,5591,5623,5639,5641,5647,5651,5653,5657,5659,5669,
+5683,5689,5693,5701,5711,5717,5737,5741,5743,5749,5779,5783,5791,5801,5807,
+5813,5821,5827,5839,5843,5849,5851,5857,5861,5867,5869,5879,5881,5897,5903,
+5923,5927,5939,5953,5981,5987,6007,6011,6029,6037,6043,6047,6053,6067,6073,
+6079,6089,6091,6101,6113,6121,6131,6133,6143,6151,6163,6173,6197,6199,6203,
+6211,6217,6221,6229,6247,6257,6263,6269,6271,6277,6287,6299,6301,6311,6317,
+6323,6329,6337,6343,6353,6359,6361,6367,6373,6379,6389,6397,6421,6427,6449,
+6451,6469,6473,6481,6491,6521,6529,6547,6551,6553,6563,6569,6571,6577,6581,
+6599,6607,6619,6637,6653,6659,6661,6673,6679,6689,6691,6701,6703,6709,6719,
+6733,6737,6761,6763,6779,6781,6791,6793,6803,6823,6827,6829,6833,6841,6857,
+6863,6869,6871,6883,6899,6907,6911,6917,6947,6949,6959,6961,6967,6971,6977,
+6983,6991,6997,7001,7013,7019,7027,7039,7043,7057,7069,7079,7103,7109,7121,
+7127,7129,7151,7159,7177,7187,7193,7207,7211,7213,7219,7229,7237,7243,7247,
+7253,7283,7297,7307,7309,7321,7331,7333,7349,7351,7369,7393,7411,7417,7433,
+7451,7457,7459,7477,7481,7487,7489,7499,7507,7517,7523,7529,7537,7541,7547,
+7549,7559,7561,7573,7577,7583,7589,7591,7603,7607,7621,7639,7643,7649,7669,
+7673,7681,7687,7691,7699,7703,7717,7723,7727,7741,7753,7757,7759,7789,7793,
+7817,7823,7829,7841,7853,7867,7873,7877,7879,7883,7901,7907,7919,7927,7933,
+7937,7949,7951,7963,7993,8009,8011,8017,8039,8053,8059,8069,8081,8087,8089,
+8093,8101,8111,8117,8123,8147,8161,8167,8171,8179,8191,8209,8219,8221,8231,
+8233,8237,8243,8263,8269,8273,8287,8291,8293,8297,8311,8317,8329,8353,8363,
+8369,8377,8387,8389,8419,8423,8429,8431,8443,8447,8461,8467,8501,8513,8521,
+8527,8537,8539,8543,8563,8573,8581,8597,8599,8609,8623,8627,8629,8641,8647,
+8663,8669,8677,8681,8689,8693,8699,8707,8713,8719,8731,8737,8741,8747,8753,
+8761,8779,8783,8803,8807,8819,8821,8831,8837,8839,8849,8861,8863,8867,8887,
+8893,8923,8929,8933,8941,8951,8963,8969,8971,8999,9001,9007,9011,9013,9029,
+9041,9043,9049,9059,9067,9091,9103,9109,9127,9133,9137,9151,9157,9161,9173,
+9181,9187,9199,9203,9209,9221,9227,9239,9241,9257,9277,9281,9283,9293,9311,
+9319,9323,9337,9341,9343,9349,9371,9377,9391,9397,9403,9413,9419,9421,9431,
+9433,9437,9439,9461,9463,9467,9473,9479,9491,9497,9511,9521,9533,9539,9547,
+9551,9587,9601,9613,9619,9623,9629,9631,9643,9649,9661,9677,9679,9689,9697,
+9719,9721,9733,9739,9743,9749,9767,9769,9781,9787,9791,9803,9811,9817,9829,
+9833,9839,9851,9857,9859,9871,9883,9887,9901,9907,9923,9929,9931,9941,9949,
+9967,9973,10007,10009,10037,10039,10061,10067,10069,10079,10091,10093,10099,
+10103,10111,10133,10139,10141,10151,10159,10163,10169,10177,10181,10193,10211,
+10223,10243,10247,10253,10259,10267,10271,10273,10289,10301,10303,10313,10321,
+10331,10333,10337,10343,10357,10369,10391,10399,10427,10429,10433,10453,10457,
+10459,10463,10477,10487,10499,10501,10513,10529,10531,10559,10567,10589,10597,
+10601,10607,10613,10627,10631,10639,10651,10657,10663,10667,10687,10691,10709,
+10711,10723,10729,10733,10739,10753,10771,10781,10789,10799,10831,10837,10847,
+10853,10859,10861,10867,10883,10889,10891,10903,10909,10937,10939,10949,10957,
+10973,10979,10987,10993,11003,11027,11047,11057,11059,11069,11071,11083,11087,
+11093,11113,11117,11119,11131,11149,11159,11161,11171,11173,11177,11197,11213,
+11239,11243,11251,11257,11261,11273,11279,11287,11299,11311,11317,11321,11329,
+11351,11353,11369,11383,11393,11399,11411,11423,11437,11443,11447,11467,11471,
+11483,11489,11491,11497,11503,11519,11527,11549,11551,11579,11587,11593,11597,
+11617,11621,11633,11657,11677,11681,11689,11699,11701,11717,11719,11731,11743,
+11777,11779,11783,11789,11801,11807,11813,11821,11827,11831,11833,11839,11863,
+11867,11887,11897,11903,11909,11923,11927,11933,11939,11941,11953,11959,11969,
+11971,11981,11987,12007,12011,12037,12041,12043,12049,12071,12073,12097,12101,
+12107,12109,12113,12119,12143,12149,12157,12161,12163,12197,12203,12211,12227,
+12239,12241,12251,12253,12263,12269,12277,12281,12289,12301,12323,12329,12343,
+12347,12373,12377,12379,12391,12401,12409,12413,12421,12433,12437,12451,12457,
+12473,12479,12487,12491,12497,12503,12511,12517,12527,12539,12541,12547,12553,
+12569,12577,12583,12589,12601,12611,12613,12619,12637,12641,12647,12653,12659,
+12671,12689,12697,12703,12713,12721,12739,12743,12757,12763,12781,12791,12799,
+12809,12821,12823,12829,12841,12853,12889,12893,12899,12907,12911,12917,12919,
+12923,12941,12953,12959,12967,12973,12979,12983,13001,13003,13007,13009,13033,
+13037,13043,13049,13063,13093,13099,13103,13109,13121,13127,13147,13151,13159,
+13163,13171,13177,13183,13187,13217,13219,13229,13241,13249,13259,13267,13291,
+13297,13309,13313,13327,13331,13337,13339,13367,13381,13397,13399,13411,13417,
+13421,13441,13451,13457,13463,13469,13477,13487,13499,13513,13523,13537,13553,
+13567,13577,13591,13597,13613,13619,13627,13633,13649,13669,13679,13681,13687,
+13691,13693,13697,13709,13711,13721,13723,13729,13751,13757,13759,13763,13781,
+13789,13799,13807,13829,13831,13841,13859,13873,13877,13879,13883,13901,13903,
+13907,13913,13921,13931,13933,13963,13967,13997,13999,14009,14011,14029,14033,
+14051,14057,14071,14081,14083,14087,14107,14143,14149,14153,14159,14173,14177,
+14197,14207,14221,14243,14249,14251,14281,14293,14303,14321,14323,14327,14341,
+14347,14369,14387,14389,14401,14407,14411,14419,14423,14431,14437,14447,14449,
+14461,14479,14489,14503,14519,14533,14537,14543,14549,14551,14557,14561,14563,
+14591,14593,14621,14627,14629,14633,14639,14653,14657,14669,14683,14699,14713,
+14717,14723,14731,14737,14741,14747,14753,14759,14767,14771,14779,14783,14797,
+14813,14821,14827,14831,14843,14851,14867,14869,14879,14887,14891,14897,14923,
+14929,14939,14947,14951,14957,14969,14983,15013,15017,15031,15053,15061,15073,
+15077,15083,15091,15101,15107,15121,15131,15137,15139,15149,15161,15173,15187,
+15193,15199,15217,15227,15233,15241,15259,15263,15269,15271,15277,15287,15289,
+15299,15307,15313,15319,15329,15331,15349,15359,15361,15373,15377,15383,15391,
+15401,15413,15427,15439,15443,15451,15461,15467,15473,15493,15497,15511,15527,
+15541,15551,15559,15569,15581,15583,15601,15607,15619,15629,15641,15643,15647,
+15649,15661,15667,15671,15679,15683,15727,15731,15733,15737,15739,15749,15761,
+15767,15773,15787,15791,15797,15803,15809,15817,15823,15859,15877,15881,15887,
+15889,15901,15907,15913,15919,15923,15937,15959,15971,15973,15991,16001,16007,
+16033,16057,16061,16063,16067,16069,16073,16087,16091,16097,16103,16111,16127,
+16139,16141,16183,16187,16189,16193,16217,16223,16229,16231,16249,16253,16267,
+16273,16301,16319,16333,16339,16349,16361,16363,16369,16381,16411,16417,16421,
+16427,16433,16447,16451,16453,16477,16481,16487,16493,16519,16529,16547,16553,
+16561,16567,16573,16603,16607,16619,16631,16633,16649,16651,16657,16661,16673,
+16691,16693,16699,16703,16729,16741,16747,16759,16763,16787,16811,16823,16829,
+16831,16843,16871,16879,16883,16889,16901,16903,16921,16927,16931,16937,16943,
+16963,16979,16981,16987,16993,17011,17021,17027,17029,17033,17041,17047,17053,
+17077,17093,17099,17107,17117,17123,17137,17159,17167,17183,17189,17191,17203,
+17207,17209,17231,17239,17257,17291,17293,17299,17317,17321,17327,17333,17341,
+17351,17359,17377,17383,17387,17389,17393,17401,17417,17419,17431,17443,17449,
+17467,17471,17477,17483,17489,17491,17497,17509,17519,17539,17551,17569,17573,
+17579,17581,17597,17599,17609,17623,17627,17657,17659,17669,17681,17683,17707,
+17713,17729,17737,17747,17749,17761,17783,17789,17791,17807,17827,17837,17839,
+17851,17863,17881,17891,17903,17909,17911,17921,17923,17929,17939,17957,17959,
+17971,17977,17981,17987,17989,18013,18041,18043,18047,18049,18059,18061,18077,
+18089,18097,18119,18121,18127,18131,18133,18143,18149,18169,18181,18191,18199,
+18211,18217,18223,18229,18233,18251,18253,18257,18269,18287,18289,18301,18307,
+18311,18313,18329,18341,18353,18367,18371,18379,18397,18401,18413,18427,18433,
+18439,18443,18451,18457,18461,18481,18493,18503,18517,18521,18523,18539,18541,
+18553,18583,18587,18593,18617,18637,18661,18671,18679,18691,18701,18713,18719,
+18731,18743,18749,18757,18773,18787,18793,18797,18803,18839,18859,18869,18899,
+18911,18913,18917,18919,18947,18959,18973,18979,19001,19009,19013,19031,19037,
+19051,19069,19073,19079,19081,19087,19121,19139,19141,19157,19163,19181,19183,
+19207,19211,19213,19219,19231,19237,19249,19259,19267,19273,19289,19301,19309,
+19319,19333,19373,19379,19381,19387,19391,19403,19417,19421,19423,19427,19429,
+19433,19441,19447,19457,19463,19469,19471,19477,19483,19489,19501,19507,19531,
+19541,19543,19553,19559,19571,19577,19583,19597,19603,19609,19661,19681,19687,
+19697,19699,19709,19717,19727,19739,19751,19753,19759,19763,19777,19793,19801,
+19813,19819,19841,19843,19853,19861,19867,19889,19891,19913,19919,19927,19937,
+19949,19961,19963,19973,19979,19991,19993,19997,20011,20021,20023,20029,20047,
+20051,20063,20071,20089,20101,20107,20113,20117,20123,20129,20143,20147,20149,
+20161,20173,20177,20183,20201,20219,20231,20233,20249,20261,20269,20287,20297,
+20323,20327,20333,20341,20347,20353,20357,20359,20369,20389,20393,20399,20407,
+20411,20431,20441,20443,20477,20479,20483,20507,20509,20521,20533,20543,20549,
+20551,20563,20593,20599,20611,20627,20639,20641,20663,20681,20693,20707,20717,
+20719,20731,20743,20747,20749,20753,20759,20771,20773,20789,20807,20809,20849,
+20857,20873,20879,20887,20897,20899,20903,20921,20929,20939,20947,20959,20963,
+20981,20983,21001,21011,21013,21017,21019,21023,21031,21059,21061,21067,21089,
+21101,21107,21121,21139,21143,21149,21157,21163,21169,21179,21187,21191,21193,
+21211,21221,21227,21247,21269,21277,21283,21313,21317,21319,21323,21341,21347,
+21377,21379,21383,21391,21397,21401,21407,21419,21433,21467,21481,21487,21491,
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+49939,49943,49957,49991,49993,49999,50021,50023,50033,50047,50051,50053,50069,
+50077,50087,50093,50101,50111,50119,50123,50129,50131,50147,50153,50159,50177,
+50207,50221,50227,50231,50261,50263,50273,50287,50291,50311,50321,50329,50333,
+50341,50359,50363,50377,50383,50387,50411,50417,50423,50441,50459,50461,50497,
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+50647,50651,50671,50683,50707,50723,50741,50753,50767,50773,50777,50789,50821,
+50833,50839,50849,50857,50867,50873,50891,50893,50909,50923,50929,50951,50957,
+50969,50971,50989,50993,51001,51031,51043,51047,51059,51061,51071,51109,51131,
+51133,51137,51151,51157,51169,51193,51197,51199,51203,51217,51229,51239,51241,
+51257,51263,51283,51287,51307,51329,51341,51343,51347,51349,51361,51383,51407,
+51413,51419,51421,51427,51431,51437,51439,51449,51461,51473,51479,51481,51487,
+51503,51511,51517,51521,51539,51551,51563,51577,51581,51593,51599,51607,51613,
+51631,51637,51647,51659,51673,51679,51683,51691,51713,51719,51721,51749,51767,
+51769,51787,51797,51803,51817,51827,51829,51839,51853,51859,51869,51871,51893,
+51899,51907,51913,51929,51941,51949,51971,51973,51977,51991,52009,52021,52027,
+52051,52057,52067,52069,52081,52103,52121,52127,52147,52153,52163,52177,52181,
+52183,52189,52201,52223,52237,52249,52253,52259,52267,52289,52291,52301,52313,
+52321,52361,52363,52369,52379,52387,52391,52433,52453,52457,52489,52501,52511,
+52517,52529,52541,52543,52553,52561,52567,52571,52579,52583,52609,52627,52631,
+52639,52667,52673,52691,52697,52709,52711,52721,52727,52733,52747,52757,52769,
+52783,52807,52813,52817,52837,52859,52861,52879,52883,52889,52901,52903,52919,
+52937,52951,52957,52963,52967,52973,52981,52999,53003,53017,53047,53051,53069,
+53077,53087,53089,53093,53101,53113,53117,53129,53147,53149,53161,53171,53173,
+53189,53197,53201,53231,53233,53239,53267,53269,53279,53281,53299,53309,53323,
+53327,53353,53359,53377,53381,53401,53407,53411,53419,53437,53441,53453,53479,
+53503,53507,53527,53549,53551,53569,53591,53593,53597,53609,53611,53617,53623,
+53629,53633,53639,53653,53657,53681,53693,53699,53717,53719,53731,53759,53773,
+53777,53783,53791,53813,53819,53831,53849,53857,53861,53881,53887,53891,53897,
+53899,53917,53923,53927,53939,53951,53959,53987,53993,54001,54011,54013,54037,
+54049,54059,54083,54091,54101,54121,54133,54139,54151,54163,54167,54181,54193,
+54217,54251,54269,54277,54287,54293,54311,54319,54323,54331,54347,54361,54367,
+54371,54377,54401,54403,54409,54413,54419,54421,54437,54443,54449,54469,54493,
+54497,54499,54503,54517,54521,54539,54541,54547,54559,54563,54577,54581,54583,
+54601,54617,54623,54629,54631,54647,54667,54673,54679,54709,54713,54721,54727,
+54751,54767,54773,54779,54787,54799,54829,54833,54851,54869,54877,54881,54907,
+54917,54919,54941,54949,54959,54973,54979,54983,55001,55009,55021,55049,55051,
+55057,55061,55073,55079,55103,55109,55117,55127,55147,55163,55171,55201,55207,
+55213,55217,55219,55229,55243,55249,55259,55291,55313,55331,55333,55337,55339,
+55343,55351,55373,55381,55399,55411,55439,55441,55457,55469,55487,55501,55511,
+55529,55541,55547,55579,55589,55603,55609,55619,55621,55631,55633,55639,55661,
+55663,55667,55673,55681,55691,55697,55711,55717,55721,55733,55763,55787,55793,
+55799,55807,55813,55817,55819,55823,55829,55837,55843,55849,55871,55889,55897,
+55901,55903,55921,55927,55931,55933,55949,55967,55987,55997,56003,56009,56039,
+56041,56053,56081,56087,56093,56099,56101,56113,56123,56131,56149,56167,56171,
+56179,56197,56207,56209,56237,56239,56249,56263,56267,56269,56299,56311,56333,
+56359,56369,56377,56383,56393,56401,56417,56431,56437,56443,56453,56467,56473,
+56477,56479,56489,56501,56503,56509,56519,56527,56531,56533,56543,56569,56591,
+56597,56599,56611,56629,56633,56659,56663,56671,56681,56687,56701,56711,56713,
+56731,56737,56747,56767,56773,56779,56783,56807,56809,56813,56821,56827,56843,
+56857,56873,56891,56893,56897,56909,56911,56921,56923,56929,56941,56951,56957,
+56963,56983,56989,56993,56999,57037,57041,57047,57059,57073,57077,57089,57097,
+57107,57119,57131,57139,57143,57149,57163,57173,57179,57191,57193,57203,57221,
+57223,57241,57251,57259,57269,57271,57283,57287,57301,57329,57331,57347,57349,
+57367,57373,57383,57389,57397,57413,57427,57457,57467,57487,57493,57503,57527,
+57529,57557,57559,57571,57587,57593,57601,57637,57641,57649,57653,57667,57679,
+57689,57697,57709,57713,57719,57727,57731,57737,57751,57773,57781,57787,57791,
+57793,57803,57809,57829,57839,57847,57853,57859,57881,57899,57901,57917,57923,
+57943,57947,57973,57977,57991,58013,58027,58031,58043,58049,58057,58061,58067,
+58073,58099,58109,58111,58129,58147,58151,58153,58169,58171,58189,58193,58199,
+58207,58211,58217,58229,58231,58237,58243,58271,58309,58313,58321,58337,58363,
+58367,58369,58379,58391,58393,58403,58411,58417,58427,58439,58441,58451,58453,
+58477,58481,58511,58537,58543,58549,58567,58573,58579,58601,58603,58613,58631,
+58657,58661,58679,58687,58693,58699,58711,58727,58733,58741,58757,58763,58771,
+58787,58789,58831,58889,58897,58901,58907,58909,58913,58921,58937,58943,58963,
+58967,58979,58991,58997,59009,59011,59021,59023,59029,59051,59053,59063,59069,
+59077,59083,59093,59107,59113,59119,59123,59141,59149,59159,59167,59183,59197,
+59207,59209,59219,59221,59233,59239,59243,59263,59273,59281,59333,59341,59351,
+59357,59359,59369,59377,59387,59393,59399,59407,59417,59419,59441,59443,59447,
+59453,59467,59471,59473,59497,59509,59513,59539,59557,59561,59567,59581,59611,
+59617,59621,59627,59629,59651,59659,59663,59669,59671,59693,59699,59707,59723,
+59729,59743,59747,59753,59771,59779,59791,59797,59809,59833,59863,59879,59887,
+59921,59929,59951,59957,59971,59981,59999,60013,60017,60029,60037,60041,60077,
+60083,60089,60091,60101,60103,60107,60127,60133,60139,60149,60161,60167,60169,
+60209,60217,60223,60251,60257,60259,60271,60289,60293,60317,60331,60337,60343,
+60353,60373,60383,60397,60413,60427,60443,60449,60457,60493,60497,60509,60521,
+60527,60539,60589,60601,60607,60611,60617,60623,60631,60637,60647,60649,60659,
+60661,60679,60689,60703,60719,60727,60733,60737,60757,60761,60763,60773,60779,
+60793,60811,60821,60859,60869,60887,60889,60899,60901,60913,60917,60919,60923,
+60937,60943,60953,60961,61001,61007,61027,61031,61043,61051,61057,61091,61099,
+61121,61129,61141,61151,61153,61169,61211,61223,61231,61253,61261,61283,61291,
+61297,61331,61333,61339,61343,61357,61363,61379,61381,61403,61409,61417,61441,
+61463,61469,61471,61483,61487,61493,61507,61511,61519,61543,61547,61553,61559,
+61561,61583,61603,61609,61613,61627,61631,61637,61643,61651,61657,61667,61673,
+61681,61687,61703,61717,61723,61729,61751,61757,61781,61813,61819,61837,61843,
+61861,61871,61879,61909,61927,61933,61949,61961,61967,61979,61981,61987,61991,
+62003,62011,62017,62039,62047,62053,62057,62071,62081,62099,62119,62129,62131,
+62137,62141,62143,62171,62189,62191,62201,62207,62213,62219,62233,62273,62297,
+62299,62303,62311,62323,62327,62347,62351,62383,62401,62417,62423,62459,62467,
+62473,62477,62483,62497,62501,62507,62533,62539,62549,62563,62581,62591,62597,
+62603,62617,62627,62633,62639,62653,62659,62683,62687,62701,62723,62731,62743,
+62753,62761,62773,62791,62801,62819,62827,62851,62861,62869,62873,62897,62903,
+62921,62927,62929,62939,62969,62971,62981,62983,62987,62989,63029,63031,63059,
+63067,63073,63079,63097,63103,63113,63127,63131,63149,63179,63197,63199,63211,
+63241,63247,63277,63281,63299,63311,63313,63317,63331,63337,63347,63353,63361,
+63367,63377,63389,63391,63397,63409,63419,63421,63439,63443,63463,63467,63473,
+63487,63493,63499,63521,63527,63533,63541,63559,63577,63587,63589,63599,63601,
+63607,63611,63617,63629,63647,63649,63659,63667,63671,63689,63691,63697,63703,
+63709,63719,63727,63737,63743,63761,63773,63781,63793,63799,63803,63809,63823,
+63839,63841,63853,63857,63863,63901,63907,63913,63929,63949,63977,63997,64007,
+64013,64019,64033,64037,64063,64067,64081,64091,64109,64123,64151,64153,64157,
+64171,64187,64189,64217,64223,64231,64237,64271,64279,64283,64301,64303,64319,
+64327,64333,64373,64381,64399,64403,64433,64439,64451,64453,64483,64489,64499,
+64513,64553,64567,64577,64579,64591,64601,64609,64613,64621,64627,64633,64661,
+64663,64667,64679,64693,64709,64717,64747,64763,64781,64783,64793,64811,64817,
+64849,64853,64871,64877,64879,64891,64901,64919,64921,64927,64937,64951,64969,
+64997,65003,65011,65027,65029,65033,65053,65063,65071,65089,65099,65101,65111,
+65119,65123,65129,65141,65147,65167,65171,65173,65179,65183,65203,65213,65239,
+65257,65267,65269,65287,65293,65309,65323,65327,65353,65357,65371,65381,65393,
+65407,65413,65419,65423,65437,65447,65449,65479,65497,65519,65521,65537
+};
+
+/* pr_limit - largest prime in the prime table */
+const ubig *const pr_limit = &prime[(sizeof(prime)/sizeof(prime[0]))-1];
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Landon Curt Noll.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static const char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+#if 0
+static char sccsid[] = "@(#)primes.c 8.5 (Berkeley) 5/10/95";
+#endif
+static const char rcsid[] =
+ "$FreeBSD$";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+/*
+ * primes - generate a table of primes between two values
+ *
+ * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
+ *
+ * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
+ *
+ * usage:
+ * primes [-h] [start [stop]]
+ *
+ * Print primes >= start and < stop. If stop is omitted,
+ * the value 4294967295 (2^32-1) is assumed. If start is
+ * omitted, start is read from standard input.
+ *
+ * validation check: there are 664579 primes between 0 and 10^7
+ */
+
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <err.h>
+#include <errno.h>
+#include <inttypes.h>
+#include <limits.h>
+#include <math.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#include "primes.h"
+
+/*
+ * Eratosthenes sieve table
+ *
+ * We only sieve the odd numbers. The base of our sieve windows are always
+ * odd. If the base of table is 1, table[i] represents 2*i-1. After the
+ * sieve, table[i] == 1 if and only if 2*i-1 is prime.
+ *
+ * We make TABSIZE large to reduce the overhead of inner loop setup.
+ */
+static char table[TABSIZE]; /* Eratosthenes sieve of odd numbers */
+
+static int hflag;
+
+static void primes(ubig, ubig);
+static ubig read_num_buf(void);
+static void usage(void);
+
+int
+main(int argc, char *argv[])
+{
+ ubig start; /* where to start generating */
+ ubig stop; /* don't generate at or above this value */
+ int ch;
+ char *p;
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "h")) != -1)
+ switch (ch) {
+ case 'h':
+ hflag++;
+ break;
+ case '?':
+ default:
+ usage();
+ }
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ start = 0;
+ stop = SPSPMAX;
+
+ /*
+ * Convert low and high args. Strtoumax(3) sets errno to
+ * ERANGE if the number is too large, but, if there's
+ * a leading minus sign it returns the negation of the
+ * result of the conversion, which we'd rather disallow.
+ */
+ switch (argc) {
+ case 2:
+ /* Start and stop supplied on the command line. */
+ if (argv[0][0] == '-' || argv[1][0] == '-')
+ errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
+
+ errno = 0;
+ start = strtoumax(argv[0], &p, 0);
+ if (errno)
+ err(1, "%s", argv[0]);
+ if (*p != '\0')
+ errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[0]);
+
+ errno = 0;
+ stop = strtoumax(argv[1], &p, 0);
+ if (errno)
+ err(1, "%s", argv[1]);
+ if (*p != '\0')
+ errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[1]);
+ if (stop > SPSPMAX)
+ errx(1, "%s: stop value too large.", argv[1]);
+ break;
+ case 1:
+ /* Start on the command line. */
+ if (argv[0][0] == '-')
+ errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
+
+ errno = 0;
+ start = strtoumax(argv[0], &p, 0);
+ if (errno)
+ err(1, "%s", argv[0]);
+ if (*p != '\0')
+ errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", argv[0]);
+ break;
+ case 0:
+ start = read_num_buf();
+ break;
+ default:
+ usage();
+ }
+
+ if (start > stop)
+ errx(1, "start value must be less than stop value.");
+ primes(start, stop);
+ return (0);
+}
+
+/*
+ * read_num_buf --
+ * This routine returns a number n, where 0 <= n && n <= BIG.
+ */
+static ubig
+read_num_buf(void)
+{
+ ubig val;
+ char *p, buf[LINE_MAX]; /* > max number of digits. */
+
+ for (;;) {
+ if (fgets(buf, sizeof(buf), stdin) == NULL) {
+ if (ferror(stdin))
+ err(1, "stdin");
+ exit(0);
+ }
+ for (p = buf; isblank(*p); ++p);
+ if (*p == '\n' || *p == '\0')
+ continue;
+ if (*p == '-')
+ errx(1, "negative numbers aren't permitted.");
+ errno = 0;
+ val = strtoumax(buf, &p, 0);
+ if (errno)
+ err(1, "%s", buf);
+ if (*p != '\n')
+ errx(1, "%s: illegal numeric format.", buf);
+ return (val);
+ }
+}
+
+/*
+ * primes - sieve and print primes from start up to and but not including stop
+ */
+static void
+primes(ubig start, ubig stop)
+{
+ char *q; /* sieve spot */
+ ubig factor; /* index and factor */
+ char *tab_lim; /* the limit to sieve on the table */
+ const ubig *p; /* prime table pointer */
+ ubig fact_lim; /* highest prime for current block */
+ ubig mod; /* temp storage for mod */
+
+ /*
+ * A number of systems can not convert double values into unsigned
+ * longs when the values are larger than the largest signed value.
+ * We don't have this problem, so we can go all the way to BIG.
+ */
+ if (start < 3) {
+ start = (ubig)2;
+ }
+ if (stop < 3) {
+ stop = (ubig)2;
+ }
+ if (stop <= start) {
+ return;
+ }
+
+ /*
+ * be sure that the values are odd, or 2
+ */
+ if (start != 2 && (start&0x1) == 0) {
+ ++start;
+ }
+ if (stop != 2 && (stop&0x1) == 0) {
+ ++stop;
+ }
+
+ /*
+ * quick list of primes <= pr_limit
+ */
+ if (start <= *pr_limit) {
+ /* skip primes up to the start value */
+ for (p = &prime[0], factor = prime[0];
+ factor < stop && p <= pr_limit; factor = *(++p)) {
+ if (factor >= start) {
+ printf(hflag ? "%" PRIx64 "\n" : "%" PRIu64 "\n", factor);
+ }
+ }
+ /* return early if we are done */
+ if (p <= pr_limit) {
+ return;
+ }
+ start = *pr_limit+2;
+ }
+
+ /*
+ * we shall sieve a bytemap window, note primes and move the window
+ * upward until we pass the stop point
+ */
+ while (start < stop) {
+ /*
+ * factor out 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13
+ */
+ /* initial pattern copy */
+ factor = (start%(2*3*5*7*11*13))/2; /* starting copy spot */
+ memcpy(table, &pattern[factor], pattern_size-factor);
+ /* main block pattern copies */
+ for (fact_lim=pattern_size-factor;
+ fact_lim+pattern_size<=TABSIZE; fact_lim+=pattern_size) {
+ memcpy(&table[fact_lim], pattern, pattern_size);
+ }
+ /* final block pattern copy */
+ memcpy(&table[fact_lim], pattern, TABSIZE-fact_lim);
+
+ /*
+ * sieve for primes 17 and higher
+ */
+ /* note highest useful factor and sieve spot */
+ if (stop-start > TABSIZE+TABSIZE) {
+ tab_lim = &table[TABSIZE]; /* sieve it all */
+ fact_lim = sqrt(start+1.0+TABSIZE+TABSIZE);
+ } else {
+ tab_lim = &table[(stop-start)/2]; /* partial sieve */
+ fact_lim = sqrt(stop+1.0);
+ }
+ /* sieve for factors >= 17 */
+ factor = 17; /* 17 is first prime to use */
+ p = &prime[7]; /* 19 is next prime, pi(19)=7 */
+ do {
+ /* determine the factor's initial sieve point */
+ mod = start%factor;
+ if (mod & 0x1) {
+ q = &table[(factor-mod)/2];
+ } else {
+ q = &table[mod ? factor-(mod/2) : 0];
+ }
+ /* sive for our current factor */
+ for ( ; q < tab_lim; q += factor) {
+ *q = '\0'; /* sieve out a spot */
+ }
+ factor = *p++;
+ } while (factor <= fact_lim);
+
+ /*
+ * print generated primes
+ */
+ for (q = table; q < tab_lim; ++q, start+=2) {
+ if (*q) {
+ if (start > SIEVEMAX) {
+ if (!isprime(start))
+ continue;
+ }
+ printf(hflag ? "%" PRIx64 "\n" : "%" PRIu64 "\n", start);
+ }
+ }
+ }
+}
+
+static void
+usage(void)
+{
+ fprintf(stderr, "usage: primes [-h] [start [stop]]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Landon Curt Noll.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * @(#)primes.h 8.2 (Berkeley) 3/1/94
+ * $FreeBSD$
+ */
+
+/*
+ * primes - generate a table of primes between two values
+ *
+ * By: Landon Curt Noll chongo@toad.com, ...!{sun,tolsoft}!hoptoad!chongo
+ *
+ * chongo <for a good prime call: 391581 * 2^216193 - 1> /\oo/\
+ */
+
+#include <stdint.h>
+
+/* ubig is the type that holds a large unsigned value */
+typedef uint64_t ubig; /* must be >=32 bit unsigned value */
+#define BIG ULONG_MAX /* largest value will sieve */
+
+/* bytes in sieve table (must be > 3*5*7*11) */
+#define TABSIZE 256*1024
+
+/*
+ * prime[i] is the (i-1)th prime.
+ *
+ * We are able to sieve 2^32-1 because this byte table yields all primes
+ * up to 65537 and 65537^2 > 2^32-1.
+ */
+extern const ubig prime[];
+extern const ubig *const pr_limit; /* largest prime in the prime array */
+
+/* Maximum size sieving alone can handle. */
+#define SIEVEMAX 4295098368ULL
+
+/*
+ * To avoid excessive sieves for small factors, we use the table below to
+ * setup our sieve blocks. Each element represents an odd number starting
+ * with 1. All non-zero elements are factors of 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13.
+ */
+extern const char pattern[];
+extern const size_t pattern_size; /* length of pattern array */
+
+/* Test for primality using strong pseudoprime tests. */
+int isprime(ubig);
+
+/* Maximum value which the SPSP code can handle. */
+#define SPSPMAX 3825123056546413050ULL
--- /dev/null
+/*-
+ * Copyright (c) 2014 Colin Percival
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE AUTHOR AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE AUTHOR OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
+
+#include <assert.h>
+#include <stddef.h>
+#include <stdint.h>
+
+#include "primes.h"
+
+/* Return a * b % n, where 0 <= a, b < 2^63, 0 < n < 2^63. */
+static uint64_t
+mulmod(uint64_t a, uint64_t b, uint64_t n)
+{
+ uint64_t x = 0;
+
+ while (b != 0) {
+ if (b & 1)
+ x = (x + a) % n;
+ a = (a + a) % n;
+ b >>= 1;
+ }
+
+ return (x);
+}
+
+/* Return a^r % n, where 0 <= a < 2^63, 0 < n < 2^63. */
+static uint64_t
+powmod(uint64_t a, uint64_t r, uint64_t n)
+{
+ uint64_t x = 1;
+
+ while (r != 0) {
+ if (r & 1)
+ x = mulmod(a, x, n);
+ a = mulmod(a, a, n);
+ r >>= 1;
+ }
+
+ return (x);
+}
+
+/* Return non-zero if n is a strong pseudoprime to base p. */
+static int
+spsp(uint64_t n, uint64_t p)
+{
+ uint64_t x;
+ uint64_t r = n - 1;
+ int k = 0;
+
+ /* Compute n - 1 = 2^k * r. */
+ while ((r & 1) == 0) {
+ k++;
+ r >>= 1;
+ }
+
+ /* Compute x = p^r mod n. If x = 1, n is a p-spsp. */
+ x = powmod(p, r, n);
+ if (x == 1)
+ return (1);
+
+ /* Compute x^(2^i) for 0 <= i < n. If any are -1, n is a p-spsp. */
+ while (k > 0) {
+ if (x == n - 1)
+ return (1);
+ x = powmod(x, 2, n);
+ k--;
+ }
+
+ /* Not a p-spsp. */
+ return (0);
+}
+
+/* Test for primality using strong pseudoprime tests. */
+int
+isprime(ubig _n)
+{
+ uint64_t n = _n;
+
+ /*
+ * Values from:
+ * C. Pomerance, J.L. Selfridge, and S.S. Wagstaff, Jr.,
+ * The pseudoprimes to 25 * 10^9, Math. Comp. 35(151):1003-1026, 1980.
+ */
+
+ /* No SPSPs to base 2 less than 2047. */
+ if (!spsp(n, 2))
+ return (0);
+ if (n < 2047ULL)
+ return (1);
+
+ /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3 less than 1373653. */
+ if (!spsp(n, 3))
+ return (0);
+ if (n < 1373653ULL)
+ return (1);
+
+ /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5 less than 25326001. */
+ if (!spsp(n, 5))
+ return (0);
+ if (n < 25326001ULL)
+ return (1);
+
+ /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7 less than 3215031751. */
+ if (!spsp(n, 7))
+ return (0);
+ if (n < 3215031751ULL)
+ return (1);
+
+ /*
+ * Values from:
+ * G. Jaeschke, On strong pseudoprimes to several bases,
+ * Math. Comp. 61(204):915-926, 1993.
+ */
+
+ /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11 less than 2152302898747. */
+ if (!spsp(n, 11))
+ return (0);
+ if (n < 2152302898747ULL)
+ return (1);
+
+ /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11,13 less than 3474749660383. */
+ if (!spsp(n, 13))
+ return (0);
+ if (n < 3474749660383ULL)
+ return (1);
+
+ /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11,13,17 less than 341550071728321. */
+ if (!spsp(n, 17))
+ return (0);
+ if (n < 341550071728321ULL)
+ return (1);
+
+ /* No SPSPs to bases 2,3,5,7,11,13,17,19 less than 341550071728321. */
+ if (!spsp(n, 19))
+ return (0);
+ if (n < 341550071728321ULL)
+ return (1);
+
+ /*
+ * Value from:
+ * Y. Jiang and Y. Deng, Strong pseudoprimes to the first eight prime
+ * bases, Math. Comp. 83(290):2915-2924, 2014.
+ */
+
+ /* No SPSPs to bases 2..23 less than 3825123056546413051. */
+ if (!spsp(n, 23))
+ return (0);
+ if (n < 3825123056546413051)
+ return (1);
+
+ /* We can't handle values larger than this. */
+ assert(n <= SPSPMAX);
+
+ /* UNREACHABLE */
+ return (0);
+}
--- /dev/null
+# @(#)Makefile 8.1 (Berkeley) 3/31/94
+# $FreeBSD$
+
+PROG= random
+MAN= random.6
+SRCS= random.c randomize_fd.c
+
+.include <bsd.prog.mk>
--- /dev/null
+# $FreeBSD$
+# Autogenerated - do NOT edit!
+
+DIRDEPS = \
+ gnu/lib/csu \
+ gnu/lib/libgcc \
+ include \
+ include/xlocale \
+ lib/${CSU_DIR} \
+ lib/libc \
+ lib/libcompiler_rt \
+
+
+.include <dirdeps.mk>
+
+.if ${DEP_RELDIR} == ${_DEP_RELDIR}
+# local dependencies - needed for -jN in clean tree
+.endif
--- /dev/null
+.\" Copyright (c) 1994
+.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+.\"
+.\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+.\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+.\" are met:
+.\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+.\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+.\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+.\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+.\" 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+.\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+.\" without specific prior written permission.
+.\"
+.\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+.\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+.\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+.\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+.\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+.\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+.\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+.\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+.\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+.\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+.\" SUCH DAMAGE.
+.\"
+.\" @(#)random.6 8.2 (Berkeley) 3/31/94
+.\" $FreeBSD$
+.\"
+.Dd February 8, 2003
+.Dt RANDOM 6
+.Os
+.Sh NAME
+.Nm random
+.Nd random lines from a file or random numbers
+.Sh SYNOPSIS
+.Nm
+.Op Fl elrUuw
+.Op Fl f Ar filename
+.Op Ar denominator
+.Sh DESCRIPTION
+.Nm Random
+has two distinct modes of operations.
+The default is to read in lines
+from the standard input and randomly write them out
+to the standard output with a probability of
+1 /
+.Ar denominator .
+The default
+.Ar denominator
+for this mode of operation is 2, giving each line a 50/50 chance of
+being displayed.
+.Pp
+The second mode of operation is to read in a file from
+.Ar filename
+and randomize the contents of the file and send it back out to
+standard output.
+The contents can be randomized based off of newlines or based off of
+space characters as determined by
+.Xr isspace 3 .
+The default
+.Ar denominator
+for this mode of operation is 1, which gives each line a chance to be
+displayed, but in a
+.Xr random 3
+order.
+.Pp
+The options are as follows:
+.Bl -tag -width Ds
+.It Fl e
+If the
+.Fl e
+option is specified,
+.Nm
+does not read or write anything, and simply exits with a random
+exit value of 0 to
+.Ar denominator
+\&- 1, inclusive.
+.It Fl f Ar filename
+The
+.Fl f
+option is used to specify the
+.Ar filename
+to read from.
+Standard input is used if
+.Ar filename
+is set to
+.Sq Fl .
+.It Fl l
+Randomize the input via newlines (the default).
+.It Fl r
+The
+.Fl r
+option guarantees that the output is unbuffered.
+.It Fl U
+Tells
+.Xr random 6
+that it is okay for it to reuse any given line or word when creating a
+randomized output.
+.It Fl u
+Tells
+.Xr random 6
+not to select the same line or word from a file more than once (the
+default).
+This does not guarantee uniqueness if there are two of the
+same tokens from the input, but it does prevent selecting the same
+token more than once.
+.It Fl w
+Randomize words separated by
+.Xr isspace 3
+instead of newlines.
+.El
+.Sh SEE ALSO
+.Xr random 3 ,
+.Xr fortune 6
+.Sh HISTORY
+The
+functionality to randomizing lines and words was added in 2003 by
+.An Sean Chittenden Aq Mt seanc@FreeBSD.org .
+.Sh BUGS
+No index is used when printing out tokens from the list which
+makes it rather slow for large files (10MB+).
+For smaller
+files, however, it should still be quite fast and efficient.
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (c) 1994
+ * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
+ * Guy Harris at Network Appliance Corp.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ * 3. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors
+ * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software
+ * without specific prior written permission.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#if 0
+#ifndef lint
+static const char copyright[] =
+"@(#) Copyright (c) 1994\n\
+ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
+#endif /* not lint */
+
+#ifndef lint
+static const char sccsid[] = "@(#)random.c 8.5 (Berkeley) 4/5/94";
+#endif /* not lint */
+#endif
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
+
+#include <sys/types.h>
+
+#include <err.h>
+#include <errno.h>
+#include <fcntl.h>
+#include <limits.h>
+#include <locale.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <time.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#include "randomize_fd.h"
+
+static void usage(void);
+
+int
+main(int argc, char *argv[])
+{
+ double denom;
+ int ch, fd, random_exit, randomize_lines, random_type, ret,
+ selected, unique_output, unbuffer_output;
+ char *ep;
+ const char *filename;
+
+ denom = 0;
+ filename = "/dev/fd/0";
+ random_type = RANDOM_TYPE_UNSET;
+ random_exit = randomize_lines = unbuffer_output = 0;
+ unique_output = 1;
+
+ (void)setlocale(LC_CTYPE, "");
+
+ while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "ef:hlruUw")) != -1)
+ switch (ch) {
+ case 'e':
+ random_exit = 1;
+ break;
+ case 'f':
+ randomize_lines = 1;
+ if (strcmp(optarg, "-") != 0)
+ filename = optarg;
+ break;
+ case 'l':
+ randomize_lines = 1;
+ random_type = RANDOM_TYPE_LINES;
+ break;
+ case 'r':
+ unbuffer_output = 1;
+ break;
+ case 'u':
+ randomize_lines = 1;
+ unique_output = 1;
+ break;
+ case 'U':
+ randomize_lines = 1;
+ unique_output = 0;
+ break;
+ case 'w':
+ randomize_lines = 1;
+ random_type = RANDOM_TYPE_WORDS;
+ break;
+ default:
+ case '?':
+ usage();
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+ }
+
+ argc -= optind;
+ argv += optind;
+
+ switch (argc) {
+ case 0:
+ denom = (randomize_lines ? 1 : 2);
+ break;
+ case 1:
+ errno = 0;
+ denom = strtod(*argv, &ep);
+ if (errno == ERANGE)
+ err(1, "%s", *argv);
+ if (denom <= 0 || *ep != '\0')
+ errx(1, "denominator is not valid.");
+ if (random_exit && denom > 256)
+ errx(1, "denominator must be <= 256 for random exit.");
+ break;
+ default:
+ usage();
+ /* NOTREACHED */
+ }
+
+ srandomdev();
+
+ /*
+ * Act as a filter, randomly choosing lines of the standard input
+ * to write to the standard output.
+ */
+ if (unbuffer_output)
+ setbuf(stdout, NULL);
+
+ /*
+ * Act as a filter, randomizing lines read in from a given file
+ * descriptor and write the output to standard output.
+ */
+ if (randomize_lines) {
+ if ((fd = open(filename, O_RDONLY, 0)) < 0)
+ err(1, "%s", filename);
+ ret = randomize_fd(fd, random_type, unique_output, denom);
+ if (!random_exit)
+ return(ret);
+ }
+
+ /* Compute a random exit status between 0 and denom - 1. */
+ if (random_exit)
+ return (int)(denom * random() / RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1);
+
+ /*
+ * Select whether to print the first line. (Prime the pump.)
+ * We find a random number between 0 and denom - 1 and, if it's
+ * 0 (which has a 1 / denom chance of being true), we select the
+ * line.
+ */
+ selected = (int)(denom * random() / RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) == 0;
+ while ((ch = getchar()) != EOF) {
+ if (selected)
+ (void)putchar(ch);
+ if (ch == '\n') {
+ /* End of that line. See if we got an error. */
+ if (ferror(stdout))
+ err(2, "stdout");
+
+ /* Now see if the next line is to be printed. */
+ selected = (int)(denom * random() /
+ RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) == 0;
+ }
+ }
+ if (ferror(stdin))
+ err(2, "stdin");
+ exit (0);
+}
+
+static void
+usage(void)
+{
+
+ fprintf(stderr, "usage: random [-elrUuw] [-f filename] [denominator]\n");
+ exit(1);
+}
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (C) 2003 Sean Chittenden <seanc@FreeBSD.org>
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE PROJECT AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE PROJECT OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ */
+
+#include <sys/cdefs.h>
+__FBSDID("$FreeBSD$");
+
+#include <sys/types.h>
+#include <sys/param.h>
+
+#include <ctype.h>
+#include <err.h>
+#include <errno.h>
+#include <stdlib.h>
+#include <stdio.h>
+#include <string.h>
+#include <unistd.h>
+
+#include "randomize_fd.h"
+
+static struct rand_node *rand_root;
+static struct rand_node *rand_tail;
+
+static struct rand_node *
+rand_node_allocate(void)
+{
+ struct rand_node *n;
+
+ n = (struct rand_node *)malloc(sizeof(struct rand_node));
+ if (n == NULL)
+ err(1, "malloc");
+
+ n->len = 0;
+ n->cp = NULL;
+ n->next = NULL;
+ return(n);
+}
+
+static void
+rand_node_free(struct rand_node *n)
+{
+ if (n != NULL) {
+ if (n->cp != NULL)
+ free(n->cp);
+
+ free(n);
+ }
+}
+
+static void
+rand_node_free_rec(struct rand_node *n)
+{
+ if (n != NULL) {
+ if (n->next != NULL)
+ rand_node_free_rec(n->next);
+
+ rand_node_free(n);
+ }
+}
+
+static void
+rand_node_append(struct rand_node *n)
+{
+ if (rand_root == NULL)
+ rand_root = rand_tail = n;
+ else {
+ rand_tail->next = n;
+ rand_tail = n;
+ }
+}
+
+int
+randomize_fd(int fd, int type, int unique, double denom)
+{
+ u_char *buf;
+ u_int slen;
+ u_long i, j, numnode, selected;
+ struct rand_node *n, *prev;
+ int bufleft, eof, fndstr, ret;
+ size_t bufc, buflen;
+ ssize_t len;
+
+ rand_root = rand_tail = NULL;
+ bufc = i = 0;
+ bufleft = eof = fndstr = numnode = 0;
+
+ if (type == RANDOM_TYPE_UNSET)
+ type = RANDOM_TYPE_LINES;
+
+ buflen = sizeof(u_char) * MAXBSIZE;
+ buf = (u_char *)malloc(buflen);
+ if (buf == NULL)
+ err(1, "malloc");
+
+ while (!eof) {
+ /* Check to see if we have bits in the buffer */
+ if (bufleft == 0) {
+ len = read(fd, buf, buflen);
+ if (len == -1)
+ err(1, "read");
+ else if (len == 0) {
+ eof++;
+ break;
+ } else if ((size_t)len < buflen)
+ buflen = (size_t)len;
+
+ bufleft = (int)len;
+ }
+
+ /* Look for a newline */
+ for (i = bufc; i <= buflen && bufleft >= 0; i++, bufleft--) {
+ if (i == buflen) {
+ if (fndstr) {
+ if (!eof) {
+ memmove(buf, &buf[bufc], i - bufc);
+ i -= bufc;
+ bufc = 0;
+ len = read(fd, &buf[i], buflen - i);
+ if (len == -1)
+ err(1, "read");
+ else if (len == 0) {
+ eof++;
+ break;
+ } else if (len < (ssize_t)(buflen - i))
+ buflen = i + (size_t)len;
+
+ bufleft = (int)len;
+ fndstr = 0;
+ }
+ } else {
+ buflen *= 2;
+ buf = (u_char *)realloc(buf, buflen);
+ if (buf == NULL)
+ err(1, "realloc");
+
+ if (!eof) {
+ len = read(fd, &buf[i], buflen - i);
+ if (len == -1)
+ err(1, "read");
+ else if (len == 0) {
+ eof++;
+ break;
+ } else if (len < (ssize_t)(buflen - i))
+ buflen = i + (size_t)len;
+
+ bufleft = (int)len;
+ }
+
+ }
+ }
+
+ if ((type == RANDOM_TYPE_LINES && buf[i] == '\n') ||
+ (type == RANDOM_TYPE_WORDS && isspace(buf[i])) ||
+ (eof && i == buflen - 1)) {
+ make_token:
+ if (numnode == RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) {
+ errno = EFBIG;
+ err(1, "too many delimiters");
+ }
+ numnode++;
+ n = rand_node_allocate();
+ if (-1 != (int)i) {
+ slen = i - (u_long)bufc;
+ n->len = slen + 2;
+ n->cp = (u_char *)malloc(slen + 2);
+ if (n->cp == NULL)
+ err(1, "malloc");
+
+ memmove(n->cp, &buf[bufc], slen);
+ n->cp[slen] = buf[i];
+ n->cp[slen + 1] = '\0';
+ bufc = i + 1;
+ }
+ rand_node_append(n);
+ fndstr = 1;
+ }
+ }
+ }
+
+ (void)close(fd);
+
+ /* Necessary evil to compensate for files that don't end with a newline */
+ if (bufc != i) {
+ i--;
+ goto make_token;
+ }
+
+ free(buf);
+
+ for (i = numnode; i > 0; i--) {
+ selected = random() % numnode;
+
+ for (j = 0, prev = n = rand_root; n != NULL; j++, prev = n, n = n->next) {
+ if (j == selected) {
+ if (n->cp == NULL)
+ break;
+
+ if ((int)(denom * random() /
+ RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1) == 0) {
+ ret = printf("%.*s",
+ (int)n->len - 1, n->cp);
+ if (ret < 0)
+ err(1, "printf");
+ }
+ if (unique) {
+ if (n == rand_root)
+ rand_root = n->next;
+ if (n == rand_tail)
+ rand_tail = prev;
+
+ prev->next = n->next;
+ rand_node_free(n);
+ numnode--;
+ }
+ break;
+ }
+ }
+ }
+
+ fflush(stdout);
+
+ if (!unique)
+ rand_node_free_rec(rand_root);
+
+ return(0);
+}
--- /dev/null
+/*
+ * Copyright (C) 2003 Sean Chittenden <seanc@FreeBSD.org>
+ * All rights reserved.
+ *
+ * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without
+ * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions
+ * are met:
+ * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer.
+ * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright
+ * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the
+ * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution.
+ *
+ * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE PROJECT AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND
+ * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE
+ * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE
+ * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE PROJECT OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE
+ * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL
+ * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS
+ * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION)
+ * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT
+ * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY
+ * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF
+ * SUCH DAMAGE.
+ *
+ * $FreeBSD$
+ */
+
+#ifndef __RANDOMIZE_FD__
+#define __RANDOMIZE_FD__
+
+/*
+ * The random() function is defined to return values between 0 and
+ * 2^31 - 1 inclusive in random(3).
+ */
+#define RANDOM_MAX_PLUS1 0x80000000UL
+
+#define RANDOM_TYPE_UNSET 0
+#define RANDOM_TYPE_LINES 1
+#define RANDOM_TYPE_WORDS 2
+
+/* The multiple instance single integer key */
+struct rand_node {
+ u_char *cp;
+ u_int len;
+ struct rand_node *next;
+};
+
+int randomize_fd(int fd, int type, int unique, double denom);
+
+#endif
projects / people / julieng / freebsd.git / commitdiff